Science and Fiction
by Faecat
Summary: When you're a fan girl, you're a fan girl. You can't help the stupid things you do for your fandom. But what happens when you're suddenly the only one who KNOWS about the fandom? Let's find out, shall we? TF movieverse, for now set between TF and TF2.
1. Journal Entry 1

_Okay, I gets ahead of myself. This lil' idea has been hacking at my brain for a while now and I finally decided to go ahead and start typing it out. This one will probably go slow due to the fact that it's technically the 3rd fic I'm writing on at the same time, with Secrets Within being my primary baby at the moment._

_Plot: This is probably not a new idea, as a matter of fact I know its not. But it's my version of this idea and I find it rather amusing._

_Fangirl finds herself suddenly in the Transformers universe. However, she knows all about the Tfverse and even her laptop 'Ruby' still contains tons of saved data from her fandom, BUT no one else knows about it and it's suddenly vanished from the interwebs. Suspicious? Is this just one really messed up prank or what? Let's find out._

_**I do not own Transformers, their universe, their likenesses, or anything that has to do with them. I do own my character Aurian Fae Towns, her car and her lappy 'Ruby'. And maybe the ideas within...don't know about those though!**_

_Also note that this is set in the movieverse, not a combination or anything like that like I've done in Secrets Within. I'm not ready to take on another fic like that just yet! It is set between the two movies...mostly. Haven't decided if TF2 will occur during this fic or not. We shall see._

_~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~_

_Journal entry; weird days:_

_So, you know those days when you wake up and everything just seems normal and then you find out that everything is definitely not normal? Okay, maybe it's just me._

_I woke up today like any other day, ate breakfast and headed out to work. Nothing seemed out of place or weird until I happened to see a really awesome truck. You know when you've got an appreciation for art of all types you must check out the art of the automotive type too! I really did just want to look. It had a really cool emblem on it and I asked about it...that's when I realized it was not a normal day..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian was a typical non-typical young woman. She was slightly above average height, medium brown hair that hung slightly past the middle of her back, gray eyes and built like a warrior. She enjoyed the simple things in life like music, art, horse back riding and fencing. She was an avid sci-fi movie watcher and adored action dramas. Once or twice she had been known to become obsessed with a thing and carry it way too far into her life, such as a certain alien movie with giant robots that transformed...

Mornings were routine; get up, shower, eat breakfast, brush teeth and go to work. That's the way it had been every day (except for Saturday) since she had made her failed attempt at collage. Now, Aurian was no dunce, she was very intelligent actually and that was her problem with school; she became so board with the lesson plans that she would drift off leaving her open for failure when it came to pop quizs. Her intelligence was what had gotten her into the position she was now in. She had overheard some corporate big wigs complaining about some silly problem with their science department and she had offered a suggestion that, apparently, they found greatly helpful and had taken her on immediately. At the time she was thrilled but quickly realized that she hadn't had a choice when it all came down to it. If she hadn't agreed to work for them they had _methods_. 'Oh, well,' she often thought, 'at least I have fun.'

This morning had been no different as she headed out the door with the thought of 'at least I have fun,' fresh in her mind, bag of things that she would need for the day slung over one shoulder and keys jingling in her hand. Only today as she pulled up to her customary reserved parking spot she happened to look over at a new vehicle that was parked not too far away from her. It was taking up four parking spaces and she didn't for a second wonder why, the truck was a beast! Her brain reeled with excitement as she recognized the make and model of the truck and was instantly drawn to it. She _had_ to see it closer.

The beast of a machine definitely dwarfed her slightly taller than average size easily and she was nothing but amazed by the sheer size!

"Wow." She whispered as she paced slowly around it. When she came around to the tailgate and saw the custom logo emblazoned on it she nearly fainted. "That's so awesome."

"Can I help you?" A middle aged man asked as he approached the woman with something between caution and amusement.

"I was just appreciating this beauty." She blushed slightly as she realized how silly she sounded. "I mean, it's a nice truck."

"Yeah," the man agreed, "I tend to think so. Can be a little touchy sometimes though."

Aurian laughed. She always gave her vehicles personalities of their own and enjoyed when other people shared in her little game of make believe. "I love this decal, where'd you get it done?"

The man stiffened slightly and Aurian could have sworn she saw the truck roll just a little bit on its tires. "It kinda came with the truck."

"Oh, that sucks. I've been considering finding one for my car. I know it's dumb but I'm a little obsessed." She chuckled again, "You have no idea how hard it is to find an Autobot logo around here!"

Again the tuck seemed to roll on its tires and the man shifted slightly on his feet. "A what?"

"This." Aurian pointed to the decal, saddened that such a wonderful prize should have fallen into the hands of someone who had _no_ appreciation for the fandom. "You know, Transformers? Autobots? That's the logo."

This time Aurian _knew _the tuck rolled, it even shimmied a little and the man took two quick steps to close the distance between them. "What do you know about them?" He demanded, voice icey and commanding.

Aurian grew uncomfortable and rather nervous with this mans proximity. She had thought at first that he was rather attractive but any thoughts of flirting fled her mind completely with his actions. Now she thought he was kind of scary and rather dangerous, he was well built and a bit taller then she was and he looked like he knew what he was doing. "What do you mean? I'm a fan girl is all!"

"Fan girl?" His tone was disbelieving, "How do you even _know_ about them?"

"Okay, you're creepy." Aurian took a nervous step backwards, testing the man's reaction to her retreat, "I just wanted to say nice truck, I'm leaving now." She turned to head back to her building, her heart pounding a little harder then needed and she could _feel_ the man's eyes following her. She paused for a second when she felt a strange tingling run through her entire body and then she ran. Why? She didn't really know but she had the feeling that impending doom was looming over her suddenly and she didn't want to be there anymore.

Once inside the high security safety of her building she could finally breath. "What a freak." She mumbled as she headed to her station. If he didn't want her near his truck all he had to do was say something. She knew she was weird and she was used to people asking her to leave so it wouldn't have been any big deal. 'I guess he wouldn't know that though.' She mused to herself. 'Why are all the cute ones crazy?' She continued.

"Morning Aurian!" One of her co-workers called out to her with a hearty wave.

"Hi Connie. How are you today?"

"Good, how are you?" The customary conversation of inner office friends.

"Alright I guess. Ran into some creep in the parking lot."

"Oh? He didn't bother you did he?" Genuine concern filled Connie's voice. They may not be great friends but as far as office friends went they were pretty close.

"No. I guess I really kinda deserved it. I was admiring his truck and he got a little weird is all. I should really not do that, gonna get myself beat up one day." Aurian laughed a little as she continued on past Connie's station to her own. 'What to do today?' She wondered absently as she looked over her overloaded work station.

What Aurian did couldn't really be defined in any single idea, except maybe for the word _idea_. She created, improved, took apart, re-figured and generally caused havoc for anything that was electronic, mechanical or similar. She was good at what she did, that was for sure. Reverse engineering was her favorite thing to do despite the fact that she knew a few weapons came across her table. She didn't agree with making weapons but this was her job and she _did_ have an insatiable curiosity.

As she scanned her tables she found a bit of tech that she hadn't noticed there before today. It was probably about the size of her leg and a brushed metal chrome color. 'How could I have missed it?' She wondered while at the same time concluding that it must have just arrived that morning. There's no way she could have missed something so sleek and shiny as that little device! "What is it?" She questioned the new item of her curiosity, there were no orders attached to it, no delivery slips, no nothing! What was she supposed to do with it?

"That was recovered from the Mission City incident." Another co-worker, Roger, informed her. He was her sometimes partner in crime when it came to designs and construction. "They gave it to me, but I'm not as good with reverse engineering as you are so I thought I'd give you the first cut." Roger leaned over her work station to see the device a little better. "You want it?"

"Are you an idiot, Roddi?" She'd picked the nick name for him and he didn't mind when she called him that though he had no idea where she had gotten it from. "Of course I want it! But what is it?"

"Don't know." Roger admitted. "It was found in all the mess at Mission City with some other unidentified derbies. This was the only thing that looked like it might be something."

"Mission City? What happened there?"

Roger sighed and almost slammed his head on the table, "Don't you ever read the paper? Watch the news? Anything involving current events?"

"You know me Roddi, I'd rather be surprised when it hits me then listen to all that dreary stuff."

"Well, surprise!" He waved his hands at the thing before them. "Mission City was mysteriously attacked, or as some of the reports say, there was a 'military mishap'," he crooked his fingers in the quotations gesture, "that destroyed a good portion of the city. When the cleanup began there was a lot of unknown metals and other things found. This little gem was amongst it and was spirited away to us under the radar." Roger scooted around the table to stand next to Aurian and tapped at the thing roughly, "I couldn't even figure out where to begin so it's all yours."

Aurian couldn't contain her joy at this little treasure being turned over to her and lept on the man next to her declaring, "You're the best Roddi!"

"Yeah, yeah, you remember that when the next spytop comes in." 'Spytop' was the term they used for recovered computers that were believed to contain vital information that needed to be recovered. All of the techs wanted to get their hands on those, not only because of the hefty bonus that came along with breaking the encryption but because they were always so full of such 'nifty' things.

"Promise." She agreed eagerly.

Aurian was sufficiently enthralled with her new project and so was completely unaware of an argument going on near the front of the lab.

"I'm sorry sir but you don't have the clearance..." An elderly male voice scolded. This was the buildings senior security officer and despite the fact that he was pushing seventy the man was good at his job and was not usually pushed around easily.

"I have top clearance, sir. No disrespect to you but I need to recover an item that was taken from Mission City. We were told it was delivered here."

"I haven't received anything saying that anyone with top clearance would be coming here today. Until I get something to prove what you're saying I can't let you in. It's protocol. I'm sure you understand."

"Here." The short argument ended and quiet resumed.

"I see. Right this way."

The doors opening into the lab was usually enough to gain everyones attention and this was no exception, that is aside from Aurian. She had managed to find an access panel to the internal wiring of her new treasure and was elbow deep into the device, her brain recording everything as clearly as if it were a top quality computer. Just as she was about to remove a rather large sized motherboard type item from the inside she noticed an engraved emblem on the inside wall of the thing. Her heart stopped for two beats and she was sure she was going to puke out her insides as she brushed a nervous hand over the familiar symbol. 'Mission City?' She recalled the man from outside, he had been very familiar now that she thought about it. 'No way.'

"Aurian," she nearly jumped at the sound of their security officer. She could feel the blood drain from her face when she looked up and saw who had accompanied him to her work station. "This is Major Lennox. He has some claim to the new project that came in from Mission City."

Aurian looked guilty with her hands elbow deep in the inner workings of the very thing they were speaking of. "I have no idea what you're talking about." She fained innocence and returned to her work. She had to know for sure if her sneaking suspicions were real or not and the more time she could buy the better.

"I think you do." Major Lennox said in that military tone that Aurian had grown to greatly dislike over her term as an employee here.

"Why is that Major?" She would not allow herself to be deterred as she continued digging in the machine.

"You have your hands buried in it." He stated flatly.

Aurian had found the thing she was looking for, a small recording device. It was nothing fantastic, nothing a normal person would even recognize but she knew. It was a simple thing that read the amount of energy discharged at what rate and repetition. She suddenly pulled her hands out of the item as quickly as she could without snagging herself on the wires and looked at it as though it were something disgusting.

Major Lennox had misread her reaction and felt some concern, mostly amusement, but still, the woman had obviously been unaware. Or, so he thought.

"It's a piece of him..." she whispered stepping back toward the item, "This isn't real." She told herself.

"What are you talking about?" Roger was at her side, he had been there the whole time wondering how this little stand off would turn out. He had thought at first that Aurian had been electrocuted by the device, it wouldn't be the first time something like that had happened to the overly curious woman, but the look on her face declared that it was something more like finding a corpse suddenly...in the middle of the night...in the graveyard.

"It's..." She started then stopped. Was she really about to say what she thought she was going to say? Yes. Yes she was. "It's Jazz."

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

_Journal entry _continued_; WTF?_

_Like I said. NOT normal. Well, the day continued to be so insanely not normal that I really began to think I had to be dreaming. I mean, come on. How could this be happening?_

_After I realized that I was digging around in dead alien parts I had something one might call a break down. I grabbed my bag and I ran! Oh holy crap did I run! Now that I think about it I really don't understand why nobody stopped me. It was really suspicious that a Major was speaking with me and then I suddenly took off. Doesn't that scream 'guilty of whatever he's accusing me of'? Well anyway, I ran out of the building and into the parking lot where that lovely truck still sat taking up four spots. Yeah, I puked right then and there. If this was all real then..._

_~Aurian Fae_


	2. Journal Entry 2

_Journal entry; can't get much worse?_

_Infamous last words. I had gone home of course, where else do you go when you think you're having the _weirdest_ dream ever? I crawled into bed and ignored the world hoping that when I woke up everything would be back to normal again._

_No way that would happen is there? The loud banging on my apartment door advised that if I did not come out of my cocoon and answer that I would not have a door for much longer. Given that I was sure that this was a dream I was half tempted to let the door stand its ground in hopes that it would hold and the _thing_ on the other side would leave..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Major Lennox stood on the other side of the door, just as Aurian had figured and he looked concerned. That she did not expect.

"You followed me?" She demanded, "I don't have anything. That thing was what you were looking for and you got it, leave me alone."

"That thing _was_ what I was after, but my orders have since been changed." He looked around the medium sized apartment taking in all the exotic looking decor that occupied every open surface and wall imaginable. "May I come in?"

"If I say no, will you go away?"

"No."

"Then I guess so. This day can't get much worse at this rate." Aurian stood aside to allow the man entrance and shut the door behind him after taking a quick look down the hall to be sure that there were no surprises there for her to encounter later. "What are you here for?"

"I'm pretty sure you know."

"I told you I didn't take anything from it." An involuntary shiver ran through her as she recalled the mere idea of digging around in a dead alien, even if it was just an expendable part (or so she hoped).

"What did you say right before you ran out?"

"I didn't say anything." What did she say? She couldn't remember. She had been digging around in...right. She said his name, didn't she?

"You called it something. What did you say?"

"What's with the interrogation? Am I under arrest?" She stepped back toward the door nervously. Major Lennox was not concerned with her discomfort as he continued to examine the knick knacks collected in her modest living room.

"No!" He turned to face her at last, a winning smile that seemed to reach his eyes gracing his handsome features. "Not at all. Listen, I'm not really here to scare you. You just mentioned something that kind of intrigued me and I thought I'd follow up on that."

"So you're stalking me? That's not how you approach women you know." Aurian rubbed her face, a habit she had learned from a dear friend that helped clear the mind.

"Oh, it's not like that. I mean, I suppose it looks that way, but I'm married."

"Figures." Aurian brushed past the man indicating that he could have his choice of seats, which were a love seat or an outdated but very comfortable looking recliner and stepped across the little walkway that one may hazard to call a hall into the comfortable kitchen. "Can I get you something to drink? I have..." She looked around quickly, "Juice, water, milk, soda..."

"No thank you." He sat in the recliner, well, more like on the edge of the recliner. He looked ready to spring up and run at any second and Aurian found that both amusing and nerve wracking.

"So what is it you're stalking me about? Is it because I liked your truck?" Again the man stiffened ever so slightly, enough for Aurian to realize that he could take her down in half the time it would take her to even think about where she kept her closest sword.

"Actually," He looked very intently at her, "Yes."

"Oh, come on...really? It's a nice truck. Why does that make you all..." She stiffened every muscle in her body as an example of his current state of being.

He looked at her skeptically, "You recognized the symbol on the tailgate."

"Yeah, like I said, I'm a fan." A shiver ran through her again. "I grew up watching the fraggin' cartoons."

"What?" Major Lennox was completely baffled, that much was obvious.

Aurian sighed heavily, retrieved a soda from the refrigerator and headed into the living room, grabbing her bag on the way. "You know absolutely nothing about Transformers, do you?" She grumbled, "How does someone who doesn't even _know_ end up with such an awesome piece of memorabilia?" She remembered how the truck shifted on its tires earlier and yet another shiver ran through her. "Oh, man..." She looked at Major Lennox again. He definitely looked the part. Mission City. How weird was it that it was starting to seem like the giant alien robots were _real_? Not only starting to look that way, she told herself, she had just been digging around in a piece of one. Well, the government may have tried to create them and had some sick sense of humor about the whole thing, right? That would explain a lot, but it didn't explain the Major.

"What?" He repeated again, in the same tone of voice.

"Here." She snapped open her bag and retrieved her laptop from inside. A few short seconds had the small machine up and running and she quickly scanned through her files until she found what she was looking for, a picture from the recent movie. "That's one of them, Ratchet. There's lots, though the movie didn't show a whole lot. Only five Autobots and eight Decepticons."

Major Lennox looked at the piece of art in absolute disbelief. It was a simple piece of computer art that was basic and colorful, nothing special. "Where did you get this?" He demanded.

"Online, where I get everything." Aurian was amused by his reaction but the memory of seeing that very telling device sitting on her work table kept smacking her in the short term memory banks saying 'caution, caution'! "Don't you ever watch TV? You couldn't have missed all the previews for the movie, they were everywhere!"

"What movie?"

"Are you serious?"

"As I have ever been."

"That tells me a whole lot." Aurian sighed again and logged into her wireless account. "Give me a second, I'll show you." She found her search engine and typed in 'Transformers Movie' but was completely thrown for a loop when the search resulted in things like 'Power System Transformers' and 'Transformer Supplier'. "What the hell?" She tried again with another search engine with similar results. "Oh come on! How can there not be anything."

"What are you talking about?"

"Apparently something that doesn't exist!" She felt like pulling out her hair. All of her fandom links were coming up in error and no matter where she searched, what title or character she tried there was nothing! "I've got pictures on my computer, how can it just be gone from the internet? That's just not possible!" She pulled up her files again and pointed angrily at the screen, "See, look; Bumblebee, Hoist, Ironhide, Ratchet, Blur, Sideswipe. I've got at least one fanart of all of them! Even Optimus, I have like a million of him!" She pulled up a corresponding image that had the Major leaping from his seat. "That's even from the _movie_."

"That picture is classified, how did you get it?"

"It. Is. From. The. _MOVIE!_" She repeated yet again. "How are movie pictures classified? They're _movies_ not government documents." She handed her laptop over to the very high strung man standing near her. "Here, look. I don't have anything illegal on it, take a look. Those are all pictures I got online. Have fun, enjoy! I'm going to go rip my hair out in the other room." And with that she stormed off into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her and then promptly collapsed on the floor. "This cannot be happening. This cannot be happening! It was just a government reproduction, or even a movie prop! That's entirely possible, right? Except a movie prop wouldn't have that much put into it, so it definitely had to of been some kind of military project. That's why they were after it. Just because it _looked_ real doesn't _make_ it real. I didn't even have time to test it! It could have been a big joke. It would figure the guys at the office would prank me like that. Even Roddi was in on it, that's why he gave it to me, isn't it? Hell of a long way to go for a prank though..." She buried her head in her hands and whimpered. "It's a fangirl's greatest dream wrapped in a nightmare!"

There was a quiet tapping on her bedroom door, followed by the Major's voice. "Aurian, wasn't it? I really need you to come talk to me."

"Why?" She mumbled through her hands.

"Because if you don't, I'm afraid you're going to be in some serious trouble."

Aurian's head snapped up at his words along with a shriek of; "WHAT?" She threw open her door to look at the far too serious face of Major Lennox. "For _what_?"

"You have knowledge of something that has been so classified that a whole new devision was created for it."

"Let me guess. N.E.S.T. Comic epilogues showed the creation of a new government team after Sector Seven was disbanded."

"You're going to have to come with me." He reached for her arm, but she dodged away smoothly.

"At least let me pack a bag. I don't want to be stuck in gods-know-where without a tooth brush." With another sigh she grabbed a duffel bag and began throwing cloths in it. "How long are you going to hold me? I need to let my job know that I won't be in tomorrow."

"That will be taken care of."

She paused in her packing, "That sounds like an opening for indefinite detainment."

"I can't say how long you'll be there, but you will be taken care of as long as you cooperate."

"Cooperate?!" She almost tipped the bag she was packing in her sudden anger. "Am I a criminal? I haven't done anything _wrong_!"

"I'm not saying you have. I'm just saying that as long as you work with us then everything will go smoothly." He looked pointedly at the half packed bag, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Aurian took a deep breath and held it for several seconds trying to calm herself down. She felt like the worst PMS case ever, swinging from giddy joy to paralyzing fear to exploding anger in less time then it took to say PMS! She was very thankful at that point that she had already wretched that day because if she hadn't then she sure would now. "No." She finally breathed. "Just go sit down and I'll be done in a minute."

"Avoid anything that could be considered hazardous. Or a weapon. Of any type."

"Would you prefer to pack _for_ me?" She grumbled as she returned to her packing. Now to say that the thought of trying to stash one of her favored daggers or short swords hadn't passed through her head would have been a lie. It simply came down to the fact that she knew they would search her bag, if they even allowed her to have it, and her person as well so there was no point in 'pulling the tiger's tail' as it was said.

Packing had not taken all that long actually, but coming to terms with what was actually going on took some time so Aurian did not rush as she gathered her travel items. She was no stranger to the road as she had traveled all over the United States and several other countries and had her standard items. When she could no longer delay her packing she simply sat on her bed holding the bag close to her. She liked her life the way it was. She had no complaints really and had no real desire for anything to change, not like this anyway. Yeah, she enjoyed the moments of chaos more than the average person but this was beyond what she thought she could handle. She was still telling herself how it was all just some military reproduction gone wrong and not what she was thinking. There was just no way. And the search? Well, she couldn't figure that out but she was sure there was a reason. Maybe there was some huge law suit or something that required everything pertaining to the Transformers of her youth to be removed...from the internet. Yeah, even her desperate mind couldn't accept that as an answer. No one could keep something off the internet, especially of that size.

"Are you about ready?" Major Lennox reappeared in the doorway holding the bag that had previously contained her laptop. She could only assume that it had been returned to its home and would be taken also.

"No." She stated flatly as she stood, slinging the strap of the duffel bag over her shoulder. "But I guess no one is ever ready to be whisked away by secret military ops." When she reached the man standing in her door way he took the bag from her shoulder and hefted it onto his own. "I don't know weather to think you're being a gentleman or paranoid."

"Just because you have to come with me doesn't mean I can't be nice." He smiled again but Aurian wasn't interested. "Let's go." He ordered, leading the way from Aurian's long time home. She looked back before closing the door just _knowing_ she would never see it again. A momentary pang of loss struck her as she looked around. She had spent a greater part of her life collecting the items within. Sure, they were only items but they all had some memory attached to them. Then the door was closed and she trudged on into the unknown. Or at least the partially unknown.

When they reached the visitor parking area she was once again greeted by the sight of the tremendous truck and her steps faltered.

"What's wrong?" The Major asked, though his stance clearly stated that he was prepared to chase and then drag her to the truck should she try to run.

"I don't really feel comfortable with just getting into a vehicle with you alone. You're taking me somewhere I don't know where and even if you are a Major with the military how do I know that you're not just some creep?" Aurian shifted from one foot to the other. She had no intentions of running, even though she had already considered that she did stand something of a chance as long as the Major didn't know this area as well as she did. "I'd really rather drive my own car."

"How would I know that you won't make a run for it?"

That was the same question Aurian was contemplating. She _wanted_ to make a run for it, no question, but she knew that would not end well. How would she prove it to this man who was a complete stranger. "Well, I can't just tell you that I won't, can I?"

"If that's how the military worked the world would be in a sorry state of affairs." The man could clearly see the discomfort on the womans face as she studied the looming black truck that still stood a good twenty feet from them. "How about this. I will go with you in your car and send someone to drive him back."

"Him?" Aurian immediately caught the gender reference. True it wasn't abnormal for people to give their vehicles a 'gender' though most men chose to call their machinery 'her', not 'him' that much she knew for fact.

"It." Major Lennox laughed a little, trying to dismiss the label as habit.

"So...you can just get anyone to come drive your truck for you?"

"Something like that."

Aurian leaned her head back to look at the sky. Half truths. She was oh so very familiar with them and _all_ their grand uses. They almost never lead to anything good. "You look at all those pictures on my laptop?" She asked as she rolled her head from one side to the other trying to get her shoulder and neck muscles to relax.

"Yes."

"You see all the vehicles in them?"

The Major paused for a moment. "Yes."

"Then you saw the TopKick, right?"

Again there was hesitation, "Yes."

"Get why I'm a little put off by _him_." She emphasized on the gender previously given. "And you." She stated flatly finally looking at the man that was forcing her to abandon her home for reasons she had suspicions of but had yet to be made clear.

"I don't know what to tell you." The Major shrugged.

"Tell me you'll go get in your truck, take my laptop and bag if you want I don't really care and lead the way. I'll follow in my car, where I can feel safe and think about everything that I'm not being told." She glared at him. Aurian knew she had a powerful glare and had made strong men crumble beneath it before. Major Lennox was tough, there was no doubts in her mind about that but he was still a man and she was still a moody woman. He would have to consider being trapped in a moving vehicle with an angry woman before he said 'no' and demanded she get into the truck.

~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~*

_Journal entry _continued_; practical jokes and women_

_My day was off the charts. I had seen hints of things I had secretly fantasize to myself many a dark night in true fan girl obsession, though not like this. Now I had been detained by military personal with claims of having highly classified information and can't find a single viable nano-bite of proof of my fandom!!_

_Now, if someone rigged my computer, ~Roddi~ I'll have you know that they will be dead come morning. No one touches Ruby without my permission! And this whole, Major/awesome truck that looks just like you-know-who's alt mode, was ridiculous. Someone was spending tons of cash on a stupid prank! Who wanted to yank my chain that hard? That's what it had to be, I mean, seriously this couldn't be real._

_My mind was a fraggin' mess driving down the highway following that decaled black TopKick with mixture of obsession and absolute dread in my brain. If this was all real, I was screwed of that much I'm sure, but if it wasn't then when I found out _who_ was responsible, they were DEAD!_

_~Aurian Fae_

_~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~(~~)~_

_K. Just to end this chapter with a thought:_

_Wow on the responses to this fic..._

_I might have to move it to a more prioritized spot in my ficwriting!_


	3. Journal Entry 3

_Journal entry; twilight zone_

_ To say I wasn't impressed would have been a HUGE understatement. I was escorted to a rather bland nondescript building and instructed to leave everything in my car. Not that I had anything because Major looks-like-he's-from-a-movie had all my stuff in his truck. We went in, I was given my Miranda and taken to a small room devoid of anything amusing at all. Just two chairs, a table and a light. Typical interrogation room style. Now to wait for the good cop bad cop..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian had seen her fair share of cop movies. She wasn't sure if that was such a good place to reference her current situation, but what else did she have? She was a good person and had never been arrested in her life. So to say the least she was nervous. Even if she hadn't done anything wrong they obviously felt she had and how was she going to prove otherwise?

She was so nervous that when the door finally swung open to permit entry to those that would question her she couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her lips. Neither of the men were familiar to her and in that Aurian found some relief. At least she didn't have to feel that she was reliving a scene from her favorite movie. One of them held a folder seemingly half forgotten in his hand. They both walked over to the table, one sat down the other just stood.

"We just want to ask you a few questions." He didn't even look at her, "What is your name?"

"Aurian Fae Towns."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty seven."

"What is your occupation?"

"Uh...classified..." She wrung her hands. "I'm not supposed to disclose that."

The man questioning her finally looked up at her, one eyebrow raised.

"I mean," She rambled on, "I don't really have a title or anything and the company isn't exactly public. I'm not even allowed to talk about what I _do_ there because if I did then I would go to jail for leaking information."

"Alright." The man held up one hand to stop her. "I understand. We don't want you to lose your job." He smiled a little, "Is the agency government funded?"

"I don't know. We work with the government sometimes." Aurian cleared her throat, "I shouldn't have said that."

"Okay, so we won't talk about your job."

"Thank you."

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Children?"

"No."

"Do you live with anyone? Family, roommate?"

"...No. Are you trying to figure out if anyone's going to miss me when I'm gone?"

"Not at all." Again the man smiled. "Do you have any medical conditions? Asthma, diabetes, heart condition?"

"No."

"Are you or do you think you may be pregnant?"

"Gods no."

"Do you have any identifying marks, scars or tattoos?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"Why is that important?"

"Just answer please?" The other man spoke up.

"On my left calf I have a tattoo."

"What of?"

Aurian grew a little embarrassed, "It's just a symbol. Black and red, nothing fantastic."

"What of?" The man repeated.

"Look, it was just a thing I got with some friends. We were all being stupid and decided we wanted to get a tattoo as a homage to our inner nerd."

The man did not look amused. "What of?"

With a defeated sigh she admitted to her greatest moment of fandom, "An Autobot symbol." She smiled to herself despite her current situation. "I know it sounds dumb, but I like it."

Both men in the room stared at her with blank expressions. She imagined they were just barely containing hysterical laughter at her expense. "Show me." The man asking the questions finally demanded.

"Why?" She felt a little defensive. It was her secret tattoo, not for the amusement of others.

"Curiosity." He stated rather strait faced.

"Fine." Aurian sighed and bent to roll up her pant leg. She looked fondly at the three inch symbol inscribed on her leg just below her knee. "Like I said, nothing special."

Both men looked at the symbol in disbelief and Aurian waited for the teasing to begin, but it never came. Instead the quiet man left the room and the questioning man started flipping through his folder.

"What do you know about 'Autobots'?" He said the word as though it were foreign to him.

"What do you want to know? I've followed the generations since I was a little girl. I mean, they started playing the cartoons shortly after I was born, I think I was destined to be a fangirl."

"Cartoon?"

"Yes, the Transformers cartoon. Aired in 1984. Come on, how many people are going to play this game?" She sat back in her chair with some frustration.

"There's never been such a cartoon to my knowledge."

"Look it up on the internet." She remembered her earlier attempt to search out the fandom. "I refuse to believe all this. There is no way that they're suddenly gone from mainstream entertainment. They JUST put out the fraggin' movie."

"What movie?"

Aurian stared open mouthed at the man. They were really trying to go all the way with this prank weren't they? "Who put you guys up to this? Was it Roddi? Cody? Let me guess it was Simon. He loves a good gag. You can stop now, I'm not going to fall for it."

"Miss Towns, this is not a prank."

"Whatever. I'm not falling for this." Aurian crossed her arms and glared at the table. Inside she was all nerves and anxiety but outside she refused to let that show. This had to be a joke and she was going to make it end now.

"We found some information on your personal computer that we have found quite concerning. Where did you get these pictures?" He placed a few pieces of paper printed with the colorful drawings from her laptop that she had shown Major Lennox.

"Fan art." She grumbled.

"Where did you get this 'fan art' from?" He asked again.

"Online."

"What website?"

"Oh, I don't know. I kinda just surfed around and saved the pictures I liked the best. Everyone does it."

"Alright. Where did you get these pictures from?" He placed some more papers on the table, these more realistic.

"Movie clips."

The man sighed. "Miss Towns you obviously don't understand the severity of the situation you are in."

"NO!" She shouted finally, "I don't! I don't get any of this because it's dumb! The dumbest prank ever played."

The door opened again and the second man returned. He looked solemnly at the first man and nodded his head before disappearing into the hallway leaving the door open.

"Alright." The man still in the room stood, "Let's say we take a break. I'm sure you're hungry." He waited for Aurian but she did not stand. "You're not hungry?"

"Starving, but I got the feeling this is just another trick." She pouted.

The man laughed, "No trick. Ham sandwiches."

Another moment passed before she gave. "Hmmm, tasty ham trickery. Let's go."

Aurian followed the man down the hallway. There seemed to be no one else in the building and the silence was eerie. They continued on to a small, what she would assume to be, break room that had several large windows and a couple of tables with chairs. On one table sat a tray with sandwiches and some cans of soda. The man indicated that she should help herself before he grabbed up some food and sat with his back toward the windows. Aurian grabbed a sandwich and sat near the man, though at a position where she could see out the window. She felt less trapped being able to see out to the late afternoon sky. The sun was starting to set and Aurian suddenly felt the weight of a long trying day settling into her.

"My names Bruce." The man broke the silence.

"Nice to meet you." She replied automatically. Her gaze was still fixed toward the reddening sky. A shadow crept across the window and she felt as though she were being watched. "What are you going to do with me now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, now that all this is over, what are you going to do now? Can I go home?"

Bruce's expression turned grim, "I'm afraid not. I apologize that you seem to think we're trying to pull some grand prank on you, but that is not the case. You have come across some very important information and until you come clean, you'll be staying here."

"I told you how I got it." Aurian was angry but she felt a strange calm inside. Inevitability, she decided. She was just giving into whatever would be because there was nothing she could do about it. "So I'm a prisoner then?"

"Think of it more as a guest." The man sighed, "There is someone else who would like to speak with you, he'll decide what happens next."

"Who is it?"

"I can't tell you his name. It's part of our agreement with them."

"Them?"

"Our allies."

"That doesn't sound suspicious at all..." Aurian groaned. "When am I going to talk to 'him' then?"

"As soon as you're done eating."

Aurian's stomach suddenly cramped up as a new wave of anxiety took over. "Okay, lets get this over with then." She dropped her sandwich on the table only partially eaten. "The sooner we get through this the sooner I can get home."

"Eat. There's plenty of time." Bruce stood. "I'll go see if every things ready." He nudged the discarded sandwich a little before heading out the door leaving Aurian alone. Wasn't that against some protocol? If she just got up now and left, who would stop her? She almost even tempted the idea but just as she began to rise an engine revving drew her attention to the parking lot outside the large windows. Her heart thrummed with the engine, it was a muscle car, that much she knew.

"Curiosity kills." She stated happily as she boldly walked over to the window. She was on the third floor of this building and she had to look down to see the cause of all the thrilling noise. A yellow 2008 Camaro with black racing stripes. She shivered, it didn't matter if that _could_ be something that was about to cause her a lifetime of trouble, it was a beautiful car. "Bumblebee..." She spoke quietly. "Gods but I am a silly girl..." She laughed and turned away from the window only to be greeted by yet another man who stared at her with unbelieving eyes. "No, way." Was all she could say.

"Hi." He spoke nervously. Unsure of what he was going to do next.

"Let me guess. You're Sam Witwicky."

"You, um, you said it right." He was taken aback. "How do you even know who I am?"

"Would you believe you were in a movie once?" Aurian found a seat, feeling that her legs weren't to last her much longer.

"I think I would know if I was in a movie." Sam also found a seat near where Aurian had, "You're that girl everyone's talking about, aren't you?"

"I hardly think of myself as a 'girl' anymore, and who's talking about me?" Her stomach was turning again, "Never mind, I don't think I really want to know."

They sat in silence for several uncomfortable moments before Sam decided to continue, "You called that car out there something, what'd you call it?" He laughed nervously, "I mean, not that cars have names, really. Well okay they have names but not..."

"Yeah, I get the point." Aurian shook her head in mild amusement. "Are you the 'ally' I'm supposed to be talking to or are you just keeping me company?"

"Oh, well, no. I mean, yes but no. I'm not the 'ally'," he made the same quotation marks with his fingers as Roger had earlier, Aurian noticed. "I'm more like a liaison."

"Alright then, why are you here?"

"Human relations."

"For who?"

"Can't tell you that."

"Convenient." She leaned over on the table in a way that only women do that gets the attention of men of a certain tension. "Listen, I know this is all some big hoax and I'd really like to be done with it, so why don't you tell whomever 'they' are that either they come out and shout 'surprise' and get this over with or I'm going home. I've had enough of an emotional roller coaster today to set me up for the rest of my pre-menopause life."

"I-I'm not really the one callin' the shots here, I'm sure you've figured that out."

"Yeah." She leaned back again. Was it just her imagination or had there just been another rather large shadow cross the glass. "This place is really starting to creep me out."

Sam laughed a little, "It takes some time to get used to."

"I don't really intend to be here that long." Her attention was unwillingly drawn back toward the windows, "That your car outside?"

"Yeah."

"He's a sweet looking piece of machinery."

"That's only half of it." He laughed again and Aurian got the distinct feeling there was a private joke there that she was unaware of. "So..."

"Bumblebee." She stated flatly, cutting off the question she knew was coming. "I called him Bumblebee."

Sam was completely taken aback. "How...what...I mean..."

"Because I saw the movie and that lovely piece of machinery looks just like him." She sighed. If they were going to keep this up then she was just going to have to be perfectly logical about the whole thing. She could cut off every little surprise they threw her way with just a little bit of thought. "How much are they paying you for all this?"

Somewhat recovered from his 'stunned' state, Sam came back to his senses. "All what?"

"To come out here and play with my mind."

"I...don't exactly get _paid_."

"Right, so you _are_ here to play with my mind."

"No! That's not what I meant!"

Bruce returned at that moment and looked happy to see the young man sitting with Aurian, "Sam! Glad you made it. Have you been keeping our guest company?"

"Uh...yeah. We were just talking." Sam nodded as he spoke.

"About what?"

"Cars." Aurian interrupted, "Saw his nice little muscle car outside." She watched Bruce for his reaction and was not disappointed as the man flinched.

"Oh, really?" He looked to Sam for confirmation and they seemed to hold a half second silent conversation. "We're ready for you Aurian. If you would..?"

"Sure." She stood to follow the man and was not at all surprised when Sam also stood. "You gonna be my witness?" She asked jokingly.

"Sort of." Aurian felt chill at the sound in the young man's voice.

The three of them trooped down the hall with Bruce in the lead and Sam at the rear. 'Nice entourage', she thought to herself. They returned to the room she had previously been in and everything was the same aside from a small device in the center of the table. Aurian knew right away it was a transmitter/receiver, not a phone exactly but similar. "Won't face me, huh?" She mused aloud pointing to the little thing.

"Confidentiality." Bruce stated flatly.

"Hmm." Aurian made the noise that stated she clearly did not buy that but would not argue the point. "Well, lets get this over with already. I'm getting tired." They all found a seat, another chair had been brought in, Aurian noted.

"We're going to start with just a few questions, make sure our connection is good." Bruce explained.

"What is your name." A voice drifted through the transmitter clearly. Aurian wasn't sure who it was but it was obviously someone who wasn't extremely impressed with his roll right now, of that she could tell.

"Aurian Fae Towns."

"What is your age?"

"Twenty Seven."

"Marital status?"

"Single."

"Connection is good." He stated flatly.

Aurian could feel her anxiety building as silence stretched from one minute to the next. When the new voice boomed over the transmitter box her throat closed up and her heart, she was sure, stopped.

"What do you know of Autobots, Miss Towns?" The voice was loud, it was regale and it was very commanding though not unkindly so.

~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~****~**

_Journal entry _continued_; end the day_

_Needless to say I didn't need someone to tell me who's voice that was. I knew. Now what I didn't know was whether I should believe my gut that said 'get up and run, now!' or to believe my brain that said 'this is just a voice modifier'._

_My legs took action without consulting the more logical side of my brain and I was out in the hall before anyone really realized what was going on, even me. I didn't run, I simply walked down the hall to the elevator and waited. Bruce and Sam came after me of course, Bruce advising that I come back so that they didn't have to use force. The elevator opened and I stepped in..._

_~Aurian Fae_

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_AN: I would like to take a moment here to thank my new Beta reader FORD B. You give me the courage to continue in an area of writing that I seldom venture. Thank you so much!_

_And also thank you to everyone who reads and comments, or just reads. The attention is very pleasing! Thank you all!!!  
_


	4. Journal Entry 4

_Journal entry; too far_

_You know when you've just pushed too many buttons and are left to pay the consequences for said pushed buttons? That's where I was. I had just gone two steps too far I guess and it seems that Bruce and his ilk were not impressed with my attempt to just walk away. So now I was officially a prisoner, handcuffs and everything and let me tell you what...I don't like to be handcuffed. Not even in that weird kinky way some people enjoy. My panic levels were rising and whatever it was they were asking of me simply made no sense at all._

_I wasn't sure but at this point I was really starting to believe that this was not a prank and that was scary. Not even just a little bit, but like universe altering scary._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Miss Towns, you really should calm down." The man talking to Aurian now was rather large and impressive as far as build went and that was no comfort to the already stressed out woman.

"Calm down?" She snapped, "I don't even know what the Hell is going on here and you want me to calm down?"

"You know exactly what is happening. You have been detained for questioning referring to some information on your laptop."

"I've already told you all how I got it a million times!"

"On the internet."

"Yes!"

"Where?"

Aurian screamed at the man with pure frustration. They had been asking her the same question over and over. Where did she get the information, what web site. She had given them a list of sites that she frequented that she had 'probably' gotten the pictures from but when they had followed up on them they came back claiming that there was no such data on those sites.

"Miss Towns..." There was a knock at the door interrupting the man's repeated statement. The man that came in looked grimly over the room before his focus fell on Aurian. She cringed under his scrutiny and wished for the thousandth time that she had never gotten out of bed that morning. Or was it yesterday morning? It was hard to tell how long she'd been here.

"Miss Towns?"

"What?" She demanded fully expecting just another person to give her the same run around.

"Please come with me." He held the door and waited for her to follow. She willingly did but only because she was sick of this room and really wanted to stretch her legs, not because he told her to. The man led her down the hall to the elevator she had previously tried to make her escape in. She twisted her wrists around in the cuffs trying to see if they may come loose at all, no such luck.

"Can you take these handcuffs off?"

"No."

They started their decent in silence. Aurian continuously wiggling in her restraints. "Where are we going?" She finally asked after they had gone past the first floor. 'Great, to the basement for torture.' She mused morbidly to herself.

"Classified." The man stated flatly.

"Is everything here classified?"

"Yes."

"Oh." That line of questions sufficiently squelched, Aurian turned her attention to the fact that they had been in the elevator long enough to have passed several extra floors. "I suppose now would be a bad time to mention I'm kinda claustrophobic huh?" The man didn't respond. "How much longer are we gonna be in here?"

"Not long."

"How far underground are we going?"

"Classified."

Aurian sighed. She just wanted to talk to someone who wasn't asking her questions about the pictures on her laptop but this man was proving to be a fruitless effort.

The elevator finally stopped and Aurian shivered at the cold blast that greeted her as the doors opened. The space beyond was huge and Aurian once again felt her stomach fall in her gut as she tipped her head back to see the ceiling way above. "You keep Godzilla in here or what?" She groaned knowing the man would not answer her.

They went down a long corridor that was large enough for an entire fleet of earthmovers to plow down side by side with little effort to a large open room that Aurian couldn't even wrap her brain around the sheer amount of space within. As she looked she could see people milling around, Major Lennox and Sam amongst them. Then her attention focused on the other things occupying the room. Four very familiar vehicles. She froze mid step.

"Miss Towns?" The man more demanded then asked, urging her forward.

"Nuh uh." Was all she could mutter.

"There is nowhere for you to run Miss Towns."

"That doesn't mean I can't try." She whispered weakly. Truthfully she couldn't make her legs work to run away any more then she could to move forward but her response caused action all around her. Several people surrounded her, the man that had been escorting her grabbed her right arm tightly enough to leave a bruise and another man grabbed her other arm just as roughly. The two of them dragged her forward and her feet skidded with all the strength she could muster as resistance against them. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest.

"Why are you resisting, Miss Towns?" It was Major Lennox who now faced her, motioning for the others to stop dragging her.

"Are..." She cleared her throat nervously, knowing she was about to get herself into a whole lot more crap, "Is that really them?" Everyone around her stopped moving, including people that shouldn't have been able to hear her speak. The entire room stood in complete stillness.

"Who?" Major Lennox asked cryptically.

Aurian took a deep breath. She really wanted to go look but she was terrified at the same time. Curiosity was quickly overriding rational fear though and she at least found the courage to continue with her words. "The Autobots." She stated shakily. "Is that really the Autobots?"

"What do you think?" He asked crossing his arms over his chest in a very military professional kind of way.

Her inner fangirl screaming with joy and her heart pounding to the point of bursting Aurian surged forward taking all the people around her by surprise. "Gods I can't believe this!" She was stopped before she could reach the vehicles but she was close enough to see what she wanted to see, Autobot logos inscribed in various positions on the machines. "Ha!" She squealed, "No way!"

"What do you know about Autobots Miss Towns?" Lennox asked the sickeningly familiar question again.

"A lot! I won't dare to say everything but I know a lot!" She could hardly contain herself, if it were not for the men holding her back she would be climbing all over the machines before her, handcuffs or not. "Opitmus Prime, Ratchet, Ironhide and Bumblebee. I know all these guys!" Again the entire hanger was in complete silence. "Please, tell me they're real. I've been arguing with myself this entire time. If this is all just a joke I swear people are gonna pay with their most vital parts..." A low rumble shook the floor nearly knocking Aurian from her feet with surprise. It was an odd feeling and there was a sound with it, like...laughter. Someone was laughing. Someone big. She looked over the vehicles again with her mouth open. "That's..." She could feel the world spinning around her, "Ironhide." She finished, locking her gaze on the black Topkick. There was another moment of silence before the truck began to shift and move, literally standing up. "Fuck!" Was the only thing she could think to say now.

"I like this one," The aforementioned bot rumbled, "She's feisty."

Aurian's legs finally gave out and if it weren't for the men with firm grips on her arms she would have ended up flat on the floor. Her mouth worked but no words would issue from her lungs as she stared up, way up, at the mech before her.

"Tell me, Earthling, how do you know about me?" He leaned down toward her and she flinched visibly.

"Ironhide," another very familiar and earth rumbling voice spoke up, "You're scaring her." This time it was the Rescue Hummer that started shifting until yet another mech stood before her, the other two following suit.

Now, she was impressed with all of the amazing transformations, there was no doubt in that, however as the Semi truck unfolded she could not tear her gaze away. Up and up and up until he finally stood at his full height and Aurian practically had to lay back to see him fully from her current position. "You..." she stammered chokingly, "You're _much_ bigger in person."

"Will you now speak about the information you have acquired of us?" The largest of the mechs asked, the entire base rumbling to his voice.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know Optimus Prime, but only if you do me a favor in return." Aurian bargained from her limp legged place on the floor.

"You are in no position to make deals Earthling." Ironhide growled.

Aurian's entire body cringed at his words and her eyes nervously drifted to the place she knew dangerous weapons that could make her cease to exist were housed, "I know! I know." She declared, "I just have a few questions of my own I'd like answered is all. I mean, nothing that you think would endanger anyone, I'd never ask that. But...well, lets just say a lifetime of interest generates a few unanswered thoughts."

"Have you been connected with Sector Seven?" Another voice accused, this one human and Aurian sought out the person. It was yet another familiar face.

"Sergeant Epps, or I guess you probably got a promotion too, huh?" She shocked the man with his own name, "I have never been connected with, nor would I want to be connected with Sector Seven. That Simmons guy was too much of a creep for my taste." Once more everyone stood still, holding their breath it almost seemed. Until someone laughed.

A quick search led everyone's gaze to Sam Witwicky who was caught in the throws of hysterical laughter. "I have to second that! I mean, come on!" He took a few deep breaths to calm himself. "Anyone who feels that way about Simmons has gotta be a good guy, right? Or, girl, I guess...woman...person."

_"Watch your step...caution...look before you leap."_ A string of audio clips streamed making a choppy sentence.

Aurian lept to her feet, all sensations of weakness vanished in her new curiosity and concern, again moving before any of the people around her were prepared, "Wait! I thought your vocal capacitor was _fixed_! What happened?"

"How do you know that?" Ratchet asked taking a wide stance and crossing his arms over his chest, very similar to the position Major Lennox had taken not long ago.

"Same way I know everything else I know," Aurian growled viciously at the mech before her. Her fears were waning and her tired, overexcited mind was taking over which unfortunately also meant her temper was along for the ride, "I saw the _movie_. I watched the _cartoons_. I'm a _FANGIRL_!"

"What is a, 'fan girl'?" Optimus Prime asked, he at least had the decency to kneel down more to her level as he spoke.

"Well, I know you can just look it up on the interweb, but for sanity's sake: A fangirl is a girl who is a fan of something. Such as anime, movies, cartoons, cars, sports...anything like that. Usually its a term that follows said item to declare that the person, who could also be a fanboy if he were male, is obsessed with said item." She flushed beat red as she finished her explanation realizing that she had just said that she was obsessed with them. "It's all in the name of fun...usually." She finished shyly.

There was silence again as the bots all considered the woman standing, still cuffed and held back by several pairs of strong hands, before them. Ironhide and Ratchet both turned to Optimus Prime, clearly a conversation being struck up between them. Aurian knew what was going on and she was amused. They didn't want her to know what they were talking about, that was fine. Or it would be fine if that _noise_ didn't accompany their silent conversation. It was like that of an old TV screen left on too long, a whining, squealing sound that shook her eardrums and made her brain twitch. "STOP IT!" She screamed, trying but failing to raise her hands to cover her ears. "STOP! If you have something to say just _say _it! That sound is going to scramble my brain!" She was relieved with the returned silence, her ears still rang though. "Thank you."

"You can hear us communicating?" Ratchet again spoke to her.

"No." She shook her head, half of emphasis on her answer, half of trying to clear the fuzzy feeling in her head. "I can't hear you, just a high pitched sound...like a dog whistle." She looked around to see if anyone else would agree with her. No takers. Great. Now she was the _super_ crazy weird chick. A tingling sensation wrapped around her and she remembered the sensation from before when she had been in full retreat from Major Lennox and Ironhide in her workplace parking lot. "Did you just _scan_ me?" She asked in a rather offended tone.

"Yes." Ratchet admitted, amused.

"What for? Can't you even _ask_?" She shivered, "That's so...violating."

This time several voices joined in laughter at her comment, Ironhide, Bumblebee's strange chortling, Sam and even Major Lennox all finding amusement in the simple statement.

"I tell him the same thing, never changes anything." Ironhide explained with an emphatic Bumblebee nodding in agreement.

"It is the fastest way for me to obtain critical information. It is my job."

"You could warn a person." Aurian stated flatly.

_"Where's the fun in that? ...Surprise, I gotcha! ...Moves in for the kill..."_ Came more streamed sound clips from Bumblebee.

Which of course brought Aurian back to her previous question; "What happened to you Bumblebee?"

"His repairs are incomplete." Ratchet stated simply as if that was all she needed to know. It probably was, or would have been if it had been just another person.

"Incomplete?" She glared at the medic, "He _was_ talking."

"How do you _know_ that?" Again someone asked, Sam this time.

"Movie." She stated flatly, not bothering to elaborate.

"There..."

"Was no movie." She cut him off, she was doing that to a lot of people today...someone was going to get mad eventually, "I know, everyone keeps telling me that. But if there was no movie then how do you explain what I know?"

"Prove it." Epps demanded.

"Okay, where would you like me to start? The attack in Qutar? Blackout showed up as a copy of a downed military helicopter and destroyed the base. He was trying to download some information from the hardlines concerning the location of the Allspark. He failed because a brave man with an ax cut the power before he could finish." She spoke in complete deadpan, no amusement, no excitement, nothing. "I know that you, Major Lennox and Sergent?" She questioned the rank again. "Epps."

"Chief Master." The questioned man corrected.

"Right, Major Lennox and Chief Master Epps were two of the few who survived the initial attack...though not all of you made it home thanks to Scorpionox. You have my condolences for that." She continued. "I also know that Sam purchased Bumblebee at a used car lot...speaking of," she lost her train of thought as she remembered one of many things that had troubled her, "Sam, didn't you think something was up when all the glass exploded? I mean, I thought that was weird." She looked to the flabbergasted young man for an answer, waiting only a few moments to see that he had no answer before moving on. "And where did the title come from? Was it even a legal purchase? I mean, current situation aside of course because you can't own Bee but...well, that part just never made any sense to me."

"You know about the Decepticons?" Optimus Prime finally broke her rambling and the silence maintained by everyone else involved.

"Of course. How can I know about Autobots without knowing about the Decepticons too? It's like peanut butter and jelly...well, doom bearing peanut butter and jelly."

"Can you tell us their whereabouts?"

"Um? Other then the ones you guys all slagged? No one knows what happened to Barricade, there's some hot debates...well, were hot debates over what happened to the rogue bot. A lot of people assumed that he's laying low in L.A. or something like that. Others think he was killed. Some people even ventured to say that he defected, but I guess if you guys haven't heard from him that one's not true." She mused to herself. "There were some other interesting ideas about him..."

"What about the others?" Optimus Prime guided, "Where is Starscream?"

"Him? He left. Went back into space declaring that 'this isn't over'." She mocked the voice as well as she could, failed miserably but still she tried. "There was some great debate about what he left to do. Either he hightailed it away to someplace safe to hide...doubtful since two more movies were slated to be made," she sighed realizing that if this was now her world, she would never see those movies. But this was better, wasn't it? "He probably went to go get reinforcements. And I don't see how they're not going to bring Megatron back to life. He's the big bad guy, who else would they get? Galvatron? I mean, a simple upgrade...but then again, that's still bringing him back." Her thoughts ran with her, "Maybe they'll use Unicron. That would be cool...wait..." she considered the four large mechs before her and the large collection of humans that were now gathered tightly around her, "Oh, that would so _not_ be cool. That would be bad."

"You know about Unicron." Ironhide stated very flatly, menacingly.

Aurian just sighed and looked up at him, somewhat pleadingly, "Like I keep saying...fangirl..." The high pitched noise flooded back into her head and Aurian whimpered but endured the pain. She herself was thinking of how much panic she could bring if she tried to explain Unicron to the people around her. It was one thing on a discussion board, something completely different when you were considering actually facing the 'not a moon' being that was the world destroyer. "Guys..." she whispered pleadingly, "I think I need to sit..." before she could finish her simple sentence Aurian felt the floor find her once more, only this time blackness followed.

~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~

_Journal entry _continued_; med bay_

_My head was filled with dream, both great and horrid. I dreamed that I sat and had healthy, invigorating conversations with Optimus and his crew. I even dreamed that I joined up with Lennox's team and became a hero with metals and honors and everything._

_But I also dreamed of death. Of every mech on this planet and off hunting me down for the little tidbits of knowledge I possessed. I dreamed the Autobots thought me too much a risk and decided that it would be best if I simply didn't exist at all and that the Decepticons were after me with every intention of picking apart my brain quite literally. And I dreamed of Unicron coming to my happy little planet and obliterating everything, only I got to watch it all from some unknown vantage point that saved me from death but not from anything else._

_I woke in a small, white room with plenty of comfortable, heavy blankets on top of me. I wanted to believe that it was my room...but the white walls defied my most base desire._

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

AN: Thanx again to FORD B. my beta reader.

Also, want to make a note here for anyone who is more Transformers savvy then I. I do know a lot of TF stuff, and I've read a lot of what other people think to, so everything that comes into this story as 'fact', or 'discussion' is all from something or somewhere I have found with some kind of credible background. I'm sure some things are off, especially that I'm using Movieverse for this story but a lot of my info comes from the cartoonverse...and fanverse, but I think that just makes everything more interesting! Don't you?

Okay. Going on now. Next chapter shouldn't be too long in the making, but after that there may be some delay.

AND THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMENTED!! You have no idea how much elation I get from those simple little things.

One more note: Bumblebee's clips; I know I've heard them somewhere but don't know where, so the credit goes where the credit is do. I hope you can accept that.


	5. Journal Entry 5

_Journal entry; denial_

_Every now and again something will happen and you will simply ignore it. At the time it happens it will throw you off kilter and you won't see how you can possibly move past it, then you go to sleep and when you wake up your brain will tell you, 'no, that didn't happen, it was a dream' and you will simply accept that._

_Waking up in a hospital room was disturbing but my brain was willing to accept it and even used that fact to explain away everything. I was at work, digging around in a new and very fascinating device and I must have gotten electrocuted and blacked out. Wouldn't be the first time that ever happened to me...by a long shot unfortunately. It was reasonable, it was explainable and it was even acceptable._

_However, the restraints...those were not._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian groaned at the pain in her head. It was a nagging, pulsing pain that screamed of lack of food, sleep and sanity.

"Hello?" She called out experimentally. As far as she could tell she was in a normal hospital room. Blank white walls, white curtain dividing the room in two, one door that opened into darkness; a bathroom she assumed, and another door that had a tiny window that ran lengthwise in it that was firmly shut. She glared up at the florescent lights above her. She always did hate them, it reminded her of school and, well, hospitals. Both some of her least favorite places to be.

Groaning again she sat up as much as the restraints would allow. They were the type that velcroed around the upper arms and over the chest. Not all that intimidating, however wonderfully effective because it was impossible to get your hand to the straps to release the velcro. "They could at least have music." She complained to no one in particular. She looked around for some kind of identifying label that would tell her what hospital she was in but found the room disturbingly lacking in _anything._ There was no cute little white board with the on duty nurses name, no TV, no telephone...no window. She tugged against the restraints experimentally to find as she expected, they were stronger then she was.

"Okay," she told herself, "no need to panic. There's a good reason for this...when I electrocuted myself I must have gone into seizures and they had to restrain me so that I didn't hurt myself or anyone else. Simple. Explainable." Her breath shook and her heart pounded, it sounded good but that didn't change the fact that she was stuck.

"Hello?" She called out again a little louder hoping that someone may be listening. Still no answer. "It's just a matter of time before someone comes in to check on me. It's okay. Just amuse yourself tell then." She closed her eyes to block out the glaring blankness of the room surrounding her and began to hum. Music always calmed her down and she had developed a habit of humming to herself when she was in grade school. It had always annoyed her teachers but it kept her from running around the room. _"Oh tell me why,"_ she sang, _"do we build castles in the sky?_ _"_ It was one of her preferred songs to sing, not many people knew it and fewer understood it so she enjoyed it. She kept on verse by verse until she reached the end.

As if waiting the door opened and a nurse walked in. 'Finally.' Aurian thought to herself, though her relief was short lived. The nurse was a small woman, thin and short but her uniform declared her military personal. "Where am I?" She asked nervously.

"You are in the base medical facility." The nurse stated simply. She smiled but her voice declared that was all the information she was going to give. "How are you feeling?"

"My head hurts and my ears are ringing."

"I will see about getting you some medicine."

"No. Thanks but no. It's not that bad," 'and I hate medicines anyway.' She added silently. "I just need to get up and stretch is all."

"Negative. Sorry but I can't release you without orders." The nurse picked up Aurian's hand, placing cold, bony fingers over her pulse.

"What orders?" Aurian didn't like the woman's touch, it was so...cold. "I'm not going to do anything."

"Hmm." The nurse stated simply. It wasn't a committed sound, just a noise that told Aurian she was aware that she was speaking but that she really didn't care one bit. "I'll go get you some breakfast and some aspirin. You'll feel better after you eat."

"Wait, who has to give orders to let me up? I mean...I don't get it, what happened?"

"I'm afraid I don't have clearance for all that. The doctor will be in in a few hours."

"Will he be able to untie me?"

"I don't know."

Aurian sighed. This was all so very frustrating. "Can I at least get some music in here or _something_?"

"I'll see what I can do." Was all the nurse said as she shut the door behind her. Due to the angle of everything Aurian couldn't even see outside the door when it opened.

"This must be what Hell is like." She mused.

It seemed to be several hours before the nurse returned toting a tray of what Aurian had to assume was food, because it sure didn't _smell_ like food. She came over without saying anything and moved a table that came with every hospital room that would sit over the bed from somewhere Aurian had been unable to see it and plopped the tray down. "I couldn't get a radio for you, I'm sorry. All electronic devices are restricted." She didn't sound too apologetic.

"Oh." Was all Aurian could say.

"I'm going to let your arm loose so you can eat." She advised as she reached for Aurian's arm but Aurian was not deceived by her quick movements.

"Wait!" She shouted as she felt the swift prick of a needle, "What the Hell!"

"It will help with your headache." Was her only explanation as she shoved the liquid into Aurian's arm with little concern that the medicine _burned_.

"I told you I didn't want anything!" Aurian growled at the woman. She was completely amazed that the nurse had the nerve to release her arm after pulling something like that.

"There are guards just outside the door. I'll be back in thirty minutes." The woman left with that and even if Aurian had had some senses about her she could not have released herself and gone after the woman before she slipped past the door.

The medicine was buzzing in her systems and no matter _what_ the nurse said she knew it was a sedative. They were worried she would try to run away. 'From what?' Aurian asked herself. This was all so strange. Random thoughts from the previous day floated through her head but many of them simply were unacceptable and she dismissed them as left over dreams.

As she lifted her arm she could feel the weight of the sedative working on her muscles. Even if she tried to escape she wouldn't make it far. Moving the covers on the tray she found what could only be loosely described as breakfast but the hunger was a little more powerful then her sense of 'acceptable food items' so she ate it. Hardly having a chance to finish before the medicine was just too much for her to fight against, Aurian resumed glaring at the florescent lights. Her headache was waning though, that much was good.

When the nurse returned she didn't say anything, just strapped Aurian's arm back down and took the tray away. Aurian didn't bother trying to talk to her, she was uninteresting anyway, not to mention rude. Aurian clearly marked the woman in her mind as 'person I don't like' and dismissed her existence. Now she just had to wait for the doctor to show up and straiten everything out.

The faint vibrations and strange tingling sensation she suddenly felt quite some time later were not encouraging. When two male nurses came into her room she was that much less comfortable and when they hauled her out on her hospital bed she was done.

"What is going on?" She almost slurred. She hadn't realized the medicine was _that_ strong.

"Miss Towns," a very loud rumbly voice greeted her, "How are you feeling?"

"Like I must be going insane." She stated not wanting to search out the source of that loud, though friendly, voice.

"I'm sure this is all very disturbing to you." There was another vibration as the thing that spoke to her came closer to her, a shadow enveloping her. "However, we do need to speak with you about the information you have."

Aurian wanted to cry. She was not a crier by a long shot but right now she was about ready to give in to that girlie need. "Ratchet?" She asked nervously, still not looking at the being.

"Yes." The deep voice confirmed.

"This is so messed up." She finally looked at the brightly colored bot that was leaning over her, he had come down on one knee to be closer to her. "Really, really messed up."

"What do you mean?"

Aurian laughed, though it hitched a little oddly in her throat with the tears that were threating her. "You. This. Everything. I watched cartoons. I watched a movie. I collected pictures and read some short stories. Now...now I'm surrounded by...by..." her breath hitched again. "Can you at least let me up? I promise I won't go anywhere."

Ratchet considered the young woman before him for a moment, her heart rate was unacceptable and her breathing was unstable. "I do not think that would be a good idea."

"Please!" She begged, "I can't take this. I'll tell you whatever you want, I'll _do_ whatever you want, I just can't take being tied down like this. I feel like a hostage."

"Alright." Ratchet nodded to the two men flanking her bed and they let loose her straps. With a relieved sigh she scrambled off the bed, immediately noticing she didn't have any shoes, or socks for that matter and that the floor was cold. "Your vital signs are elevated, you should take it easy."

"I'll be fine." She assured him as she felt the weakness in her legs, "If that damn nurse hadn't doped me I'd be better." She grumbled angrily.

The large bot leaning down to her paused with her words, "Doped?"

"Drugged, medicated, sabotaged...okay, the last one's not the same but it fits the situation I think."

"Who ordered medication?"

Aurian got the distinct feeling that Ratchet was the one in charge of her and that he had ordered no such thing. "Donno. She didn't even warn me, just stabbed me. Evil woman."

"Hmm. I will have to look into that. Are you having negative effects to what she gave you?"

Aurian tried to take a step and found her legs not so ready to take on the task, "Other then a little lack of muscle control, I'm fine." She explained.

"If you are up to it, we would like to discuss a few things with you."

"All right. There's no getting out of it...and to tell you the truth, as freaky as all this is, it's kinda exciting too."

The large bot extended a hand toward her, palm up. "If I am reading your body language correctly, I do not believe you are in any condition to walk."

Considering the offering somewhat tentatively, Aurian tested her legs once more. No, they would not support her for one step, let alone if she had to go far. "Promise you won't squish me." She stated very seriously.

Ratchet laughed, "I promise."

Aurian took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before climbing on the offered hand. She was only semi shocked when she found it to be warm. "Wow, at least that parts true." She mumbled to herself thinking of a severe debate she had gotten into about weather or not Cybertronian 'skin' would be warm like mammals, or cold like machinery.

"What part?" Ratchet questioned.

"Your skin is warm." She stated without hesitation, "A lot of people didn't think it would be."

"Why is that?" He was genuinely interested in the thought. Of course they would be warm, their systems had to maintain a certain degree of warmth to operate sufficiently.

Aurian didn't answer right away, taking a moment to get used to the slight swaying as the large mech walked. "Well," she started, "The general thought was that you would be warm because machines get warm when they function, like computers, cars, generators, all that stuff, however some people theorized that because you function constantly that the heat would be diffused by some sort of cooling system and so things that were not vital to functionality, such as extremities and skin; would remain cool."

"It is something of both, actually." He was fascinated and found that he wanted to support her thoughts with facts. "We do have a cooling system, much the same as your circulatory system, however our 'skin', as you call it, has many sensitive receptors in it as well so needs to maintain a standard temperature to function properly."

"Wow!" Aurian turned her attention to the hand she was curled in, "So you can feel?" She shook her head with the sound of her own question, "I mean, sense. Like how we can feel things that come in contact with our skin?"

Ratchet considered the thought for a moment, "Similar, yes. It is not the same as our 'skin' can tell us much more on contact then yours can. Such as;" he explained, "I can tell that your heart rate has normalized, that you are running a mild grade fever and that your anxiety levels are unstable."

"Can you blame me?"

"I don't believe there is any way to blame you for how your body reacts to stressful situations."

Aurian laughed. "You know, you're not as grouchy as everyone says."

"Everyone?"

"Well, people of the fandom. You were usually portrayed as really grouchy and temperamental." She thought it over for a minute before elaborating, "Well, that was the general thought when there were obstinate patients, or someone was hurt for stupid reasons...or the twins were around."

The large mech stopped suddenly and stared unbelieving at the fleshling in his hand. "Twins?"

"Sunstreaker and Sideswipe." She noted with little concern as her thoughts continued. "I guess I can't really use this as comparison since none of those particular situations are here or now."

"You know about them?"

"Huh?" She looked up at the seemingly dumbfounded bot, "Yeah, they're pretty popular among the fandom. They're great for comic relief or for battle situations. People like to use them as ruthless characters a lot. Pranksters too." Her eyes lit up suddenly, "Which are they?" She asked eagerly. "I mean, you'd know, right?"

"They're nothing but trouble." Was all the mech would say. He continued on his previous path, dismissing the question.

"I bet." She fell into contemplations once more. "Hey, if you don't mind me asking...Is Bumblebee really the last youngling?"

Again the large mech's pace faltered as he considered the woman in his hand, "How do you know that term? We have not told any of the humans that term."

"It's a popular term for 'youthful'" she used the quotation motion as she said the word, "bots. Between sparklings and adults."

"S-sparklings?"

"Yeah. Is that the right term? Cause that's what the entire fandom uses. Well, okay, I'm sure there are some that don't use that term but it's the most widely accepted term for infant Cybertronians."

Ratchet's head reeled with the things coming from this woman's mouth. She knew terms she should not know, terms that _none_ of the humans had been told. Either what she claimed about a 'movie' and 'cartoons' and 'fandom' were true, or Ironhide's very real suspicion that she was somehow linked with the Decepticons was. He did not want to believe the latter, he already liked the woman and she did not seem the Decepticon type...but then again, what did he know about humans?

They reached the room where the others would be waiting for them and Ratchet could hear Ironhide's firm argument in full swing, thankfully in their native tongue, he thought. Ironhide had, at first, liked the young woman but with each new bit of information she reviled the less he trusted her. This meeting wasn't likely to go well at all.

"He sounds really mad..." Aurian was scooting across his palm moving to the farthest point away from the door they were about to pass through, "Did I do something wrong?" She looked to Ratchet for explanation.

"Ironhide has concerns, just as we all do."

"He's just really loud about them," she laughed nervously. "and has really big guns."

Ratchet could sense the woman's pulse race at dangerous levels and her entire form shook. She was intelligent enough to know to fear the angered mech inside. "If you are not ready..."

"No. If you let me back out now who knows if I'll ever get the courage to do this at all. I mean...he won't actually kill me...will he?" She looked at him again and he could clearly see the fear plastered on her face.

"No. We have rules."

"Right," she sighed, "so until I'm alone with him far away from anyone else I'm fine." She rubbed her face roughly and took a deep breath. "Okay, let's go."

Ratchet opened the door and everyone inside fell silent, mostly Ironhide fell silent. The three mechs inside turned their attention to the new arrivals, Ironhide glaring, Bumblebee somewhere between excited and confused and Optimus was clearly concerned.

"Hello, Miss Towns." Optimus greeted, "I am glad to see you are well."

"I don't know that I'd say 'well', but I am alive..." she glanced at the glaring mech, "for now." She smiled nervously. Ratchet placed the unsure woman on a large raised structure that she deemed a 'desk' of some type. Some really large, giant robot sized desk. 'This must be Optimus's office.' She thought. "Okay, what is it that you want to know?"

"Everything." Ironhide growled and Aurian literally lept away from the volatile mech.

"Y-yeah...okay." She agreed, "Where do you want me to start? I mean, I know a lot of stuff..."

"What do you know about us." Ratchet tried.

"Like you four or you as in Autobots or you as in a species?"

"Yes." Ironhide growled again.

"Helpful..." Aurian dared, "Alright, lets do this. I know a few facts about you four that we can use as comparison." She turned her thoughts inward and considered for a minute while she pulled up some of those 'useless facts' she learned. "Ironhide: Height twenty two feet. Weight two point four metric tons. Alt mode GMC Topkick. Primary weapon Ion charged Gatling gun. Favorite past time is blowing up Decepticons. Considered to be the oldest of the Autobots." She did not look up through her short report and so did not see the look of utter disbelief on the mech's face, instead she moved on to the next one. "Bumblebee: Height sixteen point two feet. Weight one point six metric tons. Alt mode Chevrolet Camaro. Primary weapon twin plasma cannons. Favorite past time is 'kickin' it with Sam'. Considered to be the last of the younglings." Again she missed the completely baffled look of the described mech as she moved on. "Ratchet: Height twenty point one feet. Weight two point three metric tons. Alt mode Search and Rescue Hummer H2. Primary weapon detachable bi-directional cutters. Favorite past time is reading. Considered the best Cybertronian medic in existence and has saved many lives both Autobot and Decepticon alike." Ratchet too was completely taken by the recounting. Aurian simply went to the next and last Autobot in the room. "Optimus Prime: Height twenty eight feet. Weight four point three metric tons. Alt mode custom semi truck. Primary weapon ion blaster. Favorite past time is studying life in all it's magnificent forms. Considered the youngest of all the Primes ever known and a strong, capable leader whom many follow unquestioningly. Also known for his benevolence and kind spark." She finished with a hefty sigh, "Does that all sound about right?" She finally looked around at the stunned faces presented to her, "What? Too much? I was wrong. What? I mean, it's not like I have any real records to look at or anything it's just all information gathered from the fandom and articles from the movie. A lot of people have differing opinions, I just tried to pick the most popular of those opinions." Still the bots did not respond. "What? Did I offend you?"

"Who gave you all that information?" Ironhide demanded, moving dangerously close.

"I told you!" Aurian yipped, "It's all information I got from following the fandom. Why don't you believe me?" She whined quietly, "Because there is no such thing here, that's why." She answered her own question softly to herself. "Look, I know it all seems really suspicious to you all but I swear by whatever you want me to that I'm telling you the truth. I don't know how else I can prove to you what I'm saying is true."

They all stared at her. She felt she was withering beneath their gazes, though the only harmful one was that of the weapons specialist, the others were just amazed, baffled and somewhat horrified.

_"I believe in a thing called...tell me more, tell me more...The truth is out there."_ Bumblebee chimed in his odd speech.

"What more do you want me to say? Everything is going to sound like I've been fed the information from some other source, which by all technicality I have."

"So you admit to it then?" Ironhide accused.

"I admit to the fandom. I'm too much of a fangirl to be associated with Decepticons, which is what you're getting at, I know that."

"I have to agree," Optimus finally spoke, "that it does all sound rather suspicious."

Aurian groaned with the hopelessness of it all. How was she supposed to prove herself now? If the trigger happy mech was to have his way she would be destroyed. Not that the others would allow that, she hoped, but still...

"However," Optimus continued, "I also believe that you are telling the truth, as you see it."

"As I see it? That sounds like you think I'm making things up."

"That is not what I'm implying at all." He leaned toward the disheartened woman. "It is simply that, for you things have been one way while for us and those around us things have been different. For you this is the truth while for us it is something difficult to believe."

"That's a really nice way of saying I'm crazy Prime. Thanks." She growled storming to the opposite side of the 'desk'. She wasn't sure where she thought she was going to go but she had to do something.

"Can you tell us something that perhaps the Decepticons wouldn't know." Ratchet asked hopefully. "Maybe something none of us would know yet? If there were...sequels to this 'movie' you keep referring to then wouldn't there be some information that has not yet occurred?"

Aurian brightened, "Yeah! Well, maybe. I read a lot of the discussion boards and I was subscribed to the news posts. A lot of it was just speculation though."

"Try." Ratchet encouraged.

"Okay...I know that there were more Autobots due to arrive." She shrugged, "Only rumors though. Something about some femmes, Arcee among them since her designs were made for the first movie but they decided that trying to explain 'female' robots was too difficult to explain in the limited time available. Maybe Chroma and Elita One. Though I really dislike the design plan for them. Some talk about twins but not Sunny and Sides, some _other_ twins. There was mild talk about possibly Sideswipe...but why would the two get separated? That's what I don't understand."

"What about Decepticons?" Ironhide asked suspiciously.

"I know I saw a sketch of Ravage, so I would assume that Soundwave would be around. And Devastator has reared his ugly head in a lot of concept art so I guess the constructicons have to show. I'd bet everything that Starscream will be back before too long, someone's gotta lead all those idiots." She sighed heavily, "Honestly I didn't follow the Decepticon listings as much as I did the Autobots. Weren't really my point of interest, you know?"

"What was your 'point of interest'?" Ironhide stepped toward Aurian, causing her to retreat back toward Optimus who was, by far, less threatening.

"I'm an Autobot girl all the way Ironhide. I haven't been _involved_ in your damn war so I haven't really had a need to know all that much about the Decepticons because I didn't really _like_ them okay? If I had known that I'd be standing here, right now, looking at you guys I might have studied them a little more but as it stands, this is it. I have more information on Autobots then I do Decepticons."

All the bots looked on amazed by the womans tirade. "If we were to believe her source of information is true," Ratchet reasoned, "then her statement makes perfect sense."

"How are we supposed to simply accept what she claims as true, Ratchet?" Ironhide demanded. "It's impossible!"

_"Some things cannot be explained..."_ Bumblebee added in.

"She's a spy." Ironhide finally stated his feelings outright. "Obviously we should deal with her appropriately."

"Ironhide!" Optimus chided, but it was too late, the damage had been done and Aurian didn't think twice about jumping from the desk. It wasn't _that_ high up after all, and what were a few broken bones compared to life?

"Catch her before she gets away!" Ironhide shouted as he lept for the scurrying woman. She panicked that the sedative was still making her legs weak and the jump had done nothing for that aside from adding a touch of shooting pain that alerted her to where her legs actually were.

She was surprised how easily she could avoid their large hands and feet if she simply paid attention to where they were, however, where was she going to go? There was only one sanctuary she could see and that was beneath the large structure that she had dubbed a desk. She found a spot where they could not reach her beneath one leg of the massive object, thankfully Optimus had need of drawers, she thought, and wedged herself snuggly into place.

"Get out of there!" Ironhide demanded.

"Like Hell!" She shrieked back.

"Ironhide you're scaring her!" Ratchet argued, apparently trying to pull the mech away from his struggle to reach the secured woman.

"I'll do a lot more then scare her when I get a hold of her!" He growled slamming a massive fist into the desk causing it to shift slightly.

"Stand down!" Optimus's voice boomed through the room, vibrating every surface and Aurian couldn't stop the startled scream that escaped her. "Ironhide, we do _not_ harm the _humans_." Aurian, despite her current situation could not help but to quote the rest of the phrase along with the Autobot leader, "You know that. What's _wrong_ with you?" There was silence and Aurian could just _feel_ all of them staring at her...or more at her sanctuary.

"You said that in the movie...when Ironhide offered to 'eliminate' Sam's parents." She offered pathetically. "I practically know every line by heart. I watched it a million times."

~******~******~******~******~******~******~******~******~******~******~******~*

_Journal entry_ continued_; coaxing_

_When a GIANT ALIEN ROBOT decides he has your demise in mind you don't argue, you simply make it so said alien cannot get to you. So I hid under that desk and was ultimately thankful that despite their rather large size they had managed to make a desk that even they could not easily move. Not to mention that there was a nice little nook on the underside where the drawer didn't quite meet the back of the panel it was housed in so I had a safe place to retreat to when they finally grouped together to move the desk. It was all really silly now that I think about it, but any port in a storm as the saying goes._

_They brought in the humans to retrieve me from my haven, Major Will Lennox, Master Chief Robert Epps and Sam Witwicky all came to coax me down from my perceived safe zone with promises that they wouldn't let the 'crazy weapons specialist' get me. Gods how I felt like a scared little girl at that moment who's parents were coaching her on the ridiculous idea of the boogie man._

~_Aurian Fae_

_¤song is : Castle In The Sky; Ian Van Dahl_


	6. Journal Entry 6

_**Just a quick note to everyone who is reading this fic...you are so awesome!**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews, they make me laugh and want to write twice as much...that's one reason this chapter came out so quickly.**_

_**Thanks to my Beta FORD B. You make this easy!  
**_

**______________________________________________________________**

_Journal entry; curiosity_

_There's this saying in life that we are all very familiar with; curiosity killed the cat. I have never been one to argue with that phrase even for a second, only to follow up with the much lesser known but still fitting phrase; knowledge brought him back._

_The Autobots had granted me reprieve considering I could tell them practically everything they said conversationally from the point that they had first arrived on this planet until the destruction of Megatron. Well, more accurately, Optimus granted me reprieve and ordered that Ironhide remain away from me saying that by no means was I to be harmed by him or there would be 'consequences'. The thought was nice but I am a curious girl..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian looked on at the fantastically large room with all its obscenely oversize furnishings. She had been forbidden to leave the base and restricted from a few tactical rooms that she was sure held some government data but other then that had been given generally free roam. Optimus had stated that she had proven to be quite cooperative given the circumstances and that since she had never made an attempt to harm anyone they could hardly treat her as a prisoner of their war, much to Ironhide's dismay.

Currently she was exploring the recreational area, seeking something to amuse her and had come across this room. Obviously it was for the large mech residence of the base but it had a few little human touches to it as well so she did not hesitate to proceed. What she noticed immediately but did not allow her brain to properly caution her of was the large mech currently occupying a place on the large furnishing that she would probably call a couch. Instead she chose to poke around the room and ignore him.

Ironhide knew the instant the woman had entered the room. His sensors picked up her presence immediately and he was somewhat amused that she did not seem as terrified of him at the moment as she had previously been. He did have to admit that the Earthling could be just as hard headed as him at times. Optimus had made it clear that he was not to bother the woman and that in return she would, they all assumed, leave Ironhide his space. Maybe she wasn't aware of his presence?

"Hey." She greeted softly as she passed by him on her way to examine something on the opposite side of the room. Well so much for being unaware.

"What are you doing Earthling?" He grumbled. He still didn't trust her. She knew too much for his comfort. As a matter of fact he was concerned that she might know more then some of the Autobots did and truth be said that was very unsettling.

"Just looking around." She glanced at him and he could see that there was some form of healthy respect as her gaze passed over his weapons housing. "You..." She paused and reconsidered the mech before her, "Um, never mind." She faltered. It wasn't so much that she was afraid of the large mech before her as much as it was that she wanted him to understand that she wasn't what he thought of her. As a dedicated fangirl it was very wounding to have one of her idols think her a traitor to his cause.

Ironhide felt a touch of sorrow for her expressions. She seemed so honest, but there was just no way. She had to be a con artist, a scammer. Her stories were just so far fetched. Yet she had not spoken one word untruthfully to them when divulging information. "Ask your question."

She looked at him hopefully and despite his distrust of the woman he could feel a measure of pleasure at her small bit of joy. "Are you really the oldest Autobot?" She asked excitedly.

Ironhide had to think of the question. Of those present he most certainly was but wasn't there others out there that preceded him? "At this time, I cannot say for certain if that is true. Of the Autobots currently accounted for...yes."

"Wow!" Aurian found herself drawn toward the mech, excitement growing. "So, what was it like before the war started? Was Cybertron really a peaceful place? Was it beautiful?"

"Of course it was beautiful!" Ironhide snapped. "It was..." some sadness washed over him as he realized what they had lost.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." Aurian turned to leave fearing that she had angered the touchy mech.

"Stay. I just haven't thought about it in a very long time and the memories do not exactly bring thoughts of hope anymore."

"Oh, that's right...with the Allspark gone. That really sucks!" She barked angrily, not at Ironhide but at the thought. "Why do things like that have to happen? I'm sorry you guys can't fix your planet. I was really hoping that maybe it would all work out in the end. You know in some of the generations it did, but in most of them..." she sighed, "I guess writers just can't see a nearly immortal race of giant alien robots as something that can continue."

"Writers?"

Aurian's brow scrunched up in a way that clearly expressed her trepidation at once again having to return to her previous explanations of how she had come to know what she does. "The people who wrote out the stories that I watched as cartoons. The comic books and even the short stories written in the Transformers-verse." She sighed, "You know, all that stuff you don't believe me about."

"To tell you the truth," He leaned forward to take a better look at the small being before him, "As the time passes I begin to think you are not...lying, so to speak."

"But you still don't think what I'm saying is real." She stated.

"It is obviously real. You have proven that already. Your method of information gathering however is what I question."

"I'm not a Decepticon, or one of their pets."

"That is what I'm beginning to believe."

"Really?" The sheer amount of joy in her voice was astounding to the large mech. He hadn't heard happiness such as that since...well, it had been a long time.

"Come sit with me for a while," he reached down to offer Aurian access to the large couch he sat on, "Lets talk."

"Um," she considered the hand with extreme apprehension. "This isn't a trick is it? You're not going to crush me or something, are you?"

Ironhide couldn't stop the laugh as it rolled through him. She was so honest with her thoughts! "I have been ordered not to harm you."

"And you're oh so wonderful at following orders..." Aurian teased lightly as she accepted the offered assistance.

"Do you state that as fact, or speculation?" Ironhide spoke guardingly, waiting to see the woman's expression.

She lept from his hand and found a spot she deemed comfortable some distance away from him, though close enough to not appear to be avoiding him. "That depends on who you ask. What storyline you follow or which fans you're talking to. Me? I'd say you're pretty good at it unless it puts your comrades in danger. Just my theory though. Some people like to say you're nothing but a hot-headed gun-toting maniac who loves nothing but your guns and the sound of your blasts tearing apart another bot, preferably the enemy."

Ironhide laughed. He laughed hard. He couldn't believe she had just said all that with a perfectly strait face while sitting mere meters from the weapons in question, "I do like to blow things up."

"That much is generally agreed upon."

"Even by you?"

"Especially by me. Explosions are fun...what can I say?"

"That they are." He mused, how had he thought this woman a spy? 'Because she's loaded with information she cannot possibly have with a story that cannot possibly be true,' he reminded himself harshly. "Tell me Earthling,"

"My name's Aurian." She interrupted.

"Aurian, then. Tell me what else...'they'...say about me?"

"Hmmm..." Aurian dragged out the noise a few seconds. She was amused by his curiosity but was still trying to figure out if this was somehow a trap, a way for him to claim she truly was a spy. "Well, as far as 'they' as in the fandom I can tell you what a lot of people speculate, but only if you _promise_ not to get offended and squish me."

"Squish you?" He sounded disgusted by the mere thought. "Then I would have to scrape you're organic mass off of my armor."

"When you say it like that I really feel like something special..." she said unimpressed.

"I will not 'squish' you." Ironhide promised.

Aurian studied the mech for a while, trying to judge if he was in a good mood or if he was humoring her. "Alright." She finally decided that it didn't really matter. "Well, lets see. As far as fighting its unquestioned that you're one of, if not _the_ strongest warrior in existence. Some versions have you so violent that people question why you're an Autobot at all..." with this she snapped her mouth shut and scooted away from the large mech, "I didn't mean it like that!"

Ironhide merely grumbled in warning, "I suggest you make yourself clear shortly then."

"I mean...okay, well, that you go after your enemies without mercy. That you will do whatever it takes to destroy them and not think twice about it. What is commonly said to hold you apart is loyalty." She curled on herself a little bit feeling that this explanation wasn't good enough. "Other versions refer to your skills as being based from some deep emotions that you won't let anyone else know. That you actually care so much that it drives you to be the strongest, so you can protect everyone. That when a comrade, a friend dies that you take it as a personal failure." With this Ironhide grew very still, staring at the woman who dared speak so openly to him about such things. "I'm sorry Ironhide. I shouldn't have said any of that." She scooted to the edge of the couch and started to slide off when a large hand stopped her.

"What do you think?"

"Huh?"

"What is it you think of me?" His voice was quiet, soft.

"I, uh..." she scooted back onto the couch away from the hand, "I fall more into the last part then the first. I mean, you can't fight that hard for no reason, right?"

"Hmph." Was all the large mech would say.

They sat in silence for some time, Ironhide brooding and Aurian trying to figure out how to move on. Obviously talking about the mech's inner turmoil was not the best option for conversation. "Did you raise Bumblebee?" She finally asked, turning the subject.

"What?" Ironhide sounded as though she had asked him some unfathomable question.

"Well, Bee's an orphan isn't he? Or, the Cybertronian equivalent."

Ironhide thought a long moment before he answered, "His creators were lost during the war at some point."

"Um," she hesitated, "It's just that most fanfics concerning him revolve around the idea that he was abandoned, or that he was one of few, if not the only survivor of the youth sector disaster, or that his creators died when he was nothing but a little sparkling and that Optimus found him." Ironhide stared openly at the woman, "A lot of people like to say that you were charged with being his primary caretaker."

"There is no possible way you can know that." Ironhide stated aghast.

"Well, I don't know. Not until you tell me what's right and what's wrong anyway."

Ironhide just stared at the woman until she started squirming uncomfortably, "Let me ask you this;" he rumbled in all seriousness, "What is a 'fan fic'?"

"Oh." Aurian was startled by the question, then she laughed. "Oh! It's a story. Usually written by someone who doesn't own, or have any part of something other then being a fan where they will take the characters of something; cartoon, book, movie, comic, that kind of stuff, and create their own stories depicting adventures, emotions or what have you about those characters. Sometimes they try to keep to the characters general idea, while other times they just make them however they want them to be, or 'OOC'; out of character; to accomplish their own ideas." She smiled, "It's for entertainment and little else. No one ever makes money at it and the only people who really read them are other fans of whatever it is, but it's fun and very popular. You can generally find a fanfiction about anything."

"And in these 'fanfics', people have speculated about our lives?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Or, wishful thinking in some cases."

"Tell me more about these speculations."

"Oh, okay. Like what?"

"Why don't you choose? I'm curious to know."

"Um, okay." She paused for some time to think. "I guess most of it is just fun little exchanges between you guys. Some are just the four of you, some are with others that haven't arrived yet, some have J..." She froze mid word. Dare she even bring up his name? This mech already had made it clear once that he would dispose of her if she gave him good reason. Was talking about his dead friend a good reason?

"Who?"

"Other's. Some of the other bots that haven't arrived yet, like Sides and Sunny." She attempted to backtrack some.

"That is not what you were going to say."

"No." She admitted, "But I don't think I should go into it. It's disrespectful."

"Hmm." Was all the larger mech said.

Aurian fidgeted nervously with the sleeve of her shirt, wondering if now was the time to make a tactical retreat or if she moved would he simply obliterate her?

"And what is it that these 'fanfics' speculate about...him?"

She looked at the large mech, wondering if he was baiting her. Did he really want her to speak of his dead comrade or was he searching to see if she actually knew. "M-most," she stuttered, "most of them have him revived in some way." She turned away from him again, not wanting to see if he was getting angry and preparing to dispose of her. "I mean, there was a shard of the cube left and..."

"WHAT?" Ironhide roared as he stood and faced the woman.

Aurian scrambled to the farthest point away from the angered mech that she could reach on the couch. "Y-you know, a-after Megatron was destroyed..." she whimpered slightly as the mech leaned very close to her.

"The cube was destroyed with him." He growled menacingly.

"N-not a-all of it." She whispered fearfully.

"It. Was. Destroyed." He challenged again.

Aurian swallowed hard as her brain raced frantically to figure this one out. Optimus had clearly pulled a piece of the cube Megatron's frame at the end of their battle. She knew he did, but then... "Optimus didn't tell you?" She was stunned, terrified but stunned. "There was a shard left that Optimus recovered from Megatron's deactivated frame. I figured he hid it away from the humans, but from you guys too? Why would he do that?"

Ironhide did not answer her question, he did not even offer a farewell as he turned and left the woman, heart firmly wedged in her throat, to consider what had just transpired. Everything that she had seen in the movie thus far had been true, if their reactions had been anything to go buy because they certainly hadn't confirmed or denied anything really, so that led her to believe that the part that showed Optimus recovering the shard of the cube had to be true as well. "Oh, crap." She shivered as she spoke to herself, "I think I just told a secret I shouldn't have told..."

~*******~*******~*******~*******~*******~*******~*******~*******~*******~******

_Journal entry _continued_; secrets don't make friends._

_As soon as Ironhide left me alone and unharmed I realized something very important. I knew things they didn't know...about each other. Oh, crap._

_~Aurian Fae_


	7. Journal Entry 7

Can I just say really quick...wow. I figured this fic would end up falling to the wayside like most my others have. I really didn't expect it to garner much attention at all. Thank you all so much!! I love the comments and the suggestions, it's fantastic and really inspires me to move on with this fic.

Real quick I must break bad news; I'm losing my interwebs for a few days...maybe a week or two so postings will be delayed until such time as I can snag a connection somewhere, but I garentee that when I do there will be multipul chapters posted!

I hope you all enjoy this one as much as my Beta Reader did: THANKS FORD B.! You're fantastic!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_Journal entry; drama_

_I've never been big on spreading rumors, I think it's really stupid. Who cares who did who for whatever reason? It's not like it's _your_ life so why does it really matter anyway?_

_However, when you're trapped inside a military base where you're not allowed to know ninety percent of what's going on anyway and everyone wants to know _everything_ you know...well, you do what you have to do right? Well, rumors aren't the only way to obtain information and the curious will hardly be deterred..._

_Major William Lennox, or Will, and Master Chief Robert Epps, or Rob, have become common factors in my life at this point and honestly they are pretty good people to have around, though I don't know as of yet I would really call them 'friends'. Sometimes it seems they're just there to keep me company since I'm not allowed to leave, but other times they're trying to obtain information, though they claim that's not their intentions. Men, huh?_

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What did you do?" Will stormed into the small room that Aurian was currently occupying. It was something like a library only with fewer book options and more random stuff. Uninteresting stuff at that.

"I didn't do anything." Aurian answered absently. She hadn't done anything at all for several hours aside from reading one of the few books she had found trying to entertain herself while everyone else was busy doing whatever it is they do.

"What did you tell Ironhide?" He demanded.

Aurian paused in her reading. What had she told Ironhide? They had been talking about fanfictions and... "Oh." She pushed her book away and turned to look at the apparently angered man behind her. "What did he say?"

"Nothing," Will was obviously annoyed. "He's been rampaging around looking for Optimus about what 'that human knows but he doesn't'. I could only assume he was talking about you."

"Oh, probably."

"What did you tell him?"

Aurian shrugged, "I don't know if I can tell you. I mean, if Optimus hadn't told them I'm sure he hasn't told you either."

"Told us what?" Rob had apparently been wandering by when he overheard Aurian.

"Whatever has Ironhide in such a huff."

Rob's attention snapped onto Aurian and she got the distinct feeling that was a similar look many enemies would see shortly before their demise. "You're the one that got him so mad? What did you do?"

"I didn't _do_ anything!" Aurian slammed her book shut. This was all so complicated. She could just tell them what she had said and get them off her back right here and now, but then what kind of drama would that cause for everyone? A secret like that could do unspeakable damage if not approached in the correct way. However if she continued to say nothing then they would probably suspect her of trying to cause trouble. 'Yay, catch twenty-two', she thought angrily. "Listen, if you really want to know, ask Optimus. I really don't think it's my place to say anything."

"You told Ironhide." Will persisted.

"That's because I didn't know he didn't know! I swear, if I had known Optimus hadn't told him I wouldn't have said anything...well, maybe I wouldn't have. I wasn't really thinking when I said that." She sighed heavily, "He's really upset about it isn't he?" She felt horrible.

Rob laughed, "You might say that. He kicked one of the tanks. We still haven't found it."

Aurian could only stare wide eyed at the Master Chief, that is until her brain recreated the scenario for her private viewing and then she couldn't quit laughing. "Really? One of the little ones?"

"No, the big one." Rob corrected.

Her laughter only grew at the thought, "Like a pebble," was the only thing she could mutter between gasps.

"This isn't funny." Will tried desperately to maintain his firm appearance but the woman's laughter was contagious and he found himself huffing a few quiet laughs himself. Rob on the other hand was merrily describing the event in every detail he could recall, right down to the 'punt' sound he so avidly acted out.

"Wow! I would pay to see that." She finally gasped once she had calmed the overpowering laughter.

"Come on Aurian," Rob pushed, "What'd you say to the lug?"

Aurian wiped away laugh tears, "I really can't say guys. It's not that I don't want to it's just that I don't know what kind of plan Optimus had in mind. It's nothing for us as humans to worry about, just that the other Autobots might be upset that he didn't tell them is all."

"I don't like not knowing." Will continued.

"I know." Aurian shook her head and shrugged, "But if you were in my shoes you'd do the same."

There was a long pause before Will shook his head in agreement, "Alright. I've learned enough about you to believe you, but don't make this a habit. A twenty foot rampaging robot is _not_ something I want happening around here."

"Twenty two." Aurian corrected.

"What?"

"He's twenty _two_ feet tall."

Will rolled his eyes at the correction. Aurian was very precise about some things, that much he had discovered. "Okay, a twenty _two_ foot rampaging robot is not something I want happening around here."

"What does it matter if he's twenty two feet or ten...Ironhide rampaging around is never a good thing." Rob interjected, "Need I remind you of the missing _tank_?"

Aurian started snickering again.

"That's enough of that," Will tried to stop another round, "It's lunch time, what's say we go grab a bite to eat?"

"Aren't you going to go eat with your wife?" Aurian asked.

"Not today, she's visiting her parents. I'm all yours today."

"You sure that's a good idea?" Aurian teased innocently, "Who's to say I won't keep you?"

"Keep _him_?" Rob shoved the other man a little, "What'd you want to keep _him_ for?"

The three continued to harass each other all the way to the mess hall where they got odd looks but paid them no mind as they passed through the line. Aurian looked at the offered foods with some disdain, military food wasn't something she could consider a delicacy. Not that Burger King was a delicacy, but it was much preferred. 'Will I ever get to go to a burger joint again?' She found herself thinking. Her thoughts tended to spiral toward the darker part of all the current events all too often. She didn't generally think herself a negative person but the standings as of late had really dampened her moods. Granted, she was through the roof with fanatic joy about being in the same vicinity as the actual Autobots, but when compared to the long run that was life, was that really going to be the end of it? Was this what her life would be from now on? It was far from satisfying and no where near enough, that she was sure of.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Rob asked, noticing the sudden melancholy that had settled on the woman.

"Nothing important." She smiled wanly at him before seeking a place to set. Yet another fact that she faced nearly daily here, she wasn't welcome. Any table that had an open place was full of nothing but resentful glares reserved only for her. If it wasn't for the two men that had seemingly befriended her she was sure that she'd probably be outcast from the mess hall all together. There had been more then one occasion that she had simply skipped a meal for the comfort of solitary rather then eating alone in such a hostile place. Why all these people held her in such contempt was beyond her, what had she done to them to deserve such treatment?

Will spared her a concerned look before leading the way to a mostly empty table near the back of the room. When one of the soldiers at that table rose and left with a nearly full tray he glared at the man. "What's his problem?" He asked no one in particular.

"Me." Aurian plopped down at the table and only stared pointedly as two more people rose and left. "Guess they don't like me."

"No." Rob denied the train of thought immediately, "It's not that."

"What is it then?" Will asked, concerned that Aurian was so willing to just accept their dislike.

"It's cause she's new, that's all." Rob shrugged, "New guys always get the cold shoulder."

"This is hardly a cold shoulder Rob. They don't like me." As she spoke the two men noticed how others around their table were leaving as well. "I think it's because of this whole situation. I really can't blame them though, I doubt I'd like someone who came out of no where with tons of information and a really unbelievable story to boot." She poked at the 'food' for a few minutes before rising herself, "I'm just gonna go. I can't eat this stuff anyway, it's fake." She smiled as she walked away, disposing of her tray as she went. The two men were left to share concerned looks.

Walking around the base was nice, no one bothered her usually and she was left to her thoughts and the weather. Aurian had found the base to be quite sizable and lodged in the middle of Nowhere, Desert Edition. She had tempted thoughts of leaving, aside from the insane amount of security the only thing that stopped her was the vastness of the desert. She knew that the place she had been taken to originally for questioning was not this place, they must have moved her while she was unconscious after her first meeting with the Autobots. Either that or this was connected to that place but she didn't know how to get back there and that's where her car was.

She sighed heavily as she looked around. Clouds had gathered overhead and a storm was imminent so all intelligent people had retreated to the safety of cover while Aurian, on the other hand, welcomed the bad weather. As a matter of fact she was excited for it. Rain and thunder had a way of soothing her soul that nothing else had and right now she needed it badly.

The first rumble had her seeking some place open enough that she could bathe in the downpour that was to come which brought more then she could have ever imagined as she watched the clouds begin to swirl dramatically. "Oh crap." Was all she could say as her brain told her that the season was ripe and she was a fool. The clouds did indeed begin to dip and spiral downward but before they committed to the form she feared they erupted in fire as something exploded from their dark curtain to shoot toward the Earth at a horrific speed.

Two things played in her mind; A: comet – very unlikely considering... or B: Cybertronian making landfall – with her current proximity to the others, she was inclined to believe in that. Now the next thing, were the others aware that one of their comrades had just made planetfall? Or worse, was it an enemy?

The _smart_ thing to have done would have been to go find the others and make sure they were aware. The _smart_ thing to do would have been to let them handle it, especially with the possibility of it being an enemy. Aurian was _smart_...most of the time.

Fate did play to the curious a time too often, that was for sure and this was yet another one of those times as Aurian turned to do the smart thing but saw that one of the military personal were so kind as to leave his truck running completely unattended and with an open door at that right in front of the still opened main gate. Could that have been a more obvious invitation? Before she knew what she had done Aurian was already speeding across the open desert toward where she could see the faint plumes of debris rising from where the 'meteor' had made contact. Only the faint cries behind her let her know that her escape had not gone unnoticed. "Well, either they'll shoot me, or they'll arrest me. Either way, can't be much worse then my previous situation, right?" She coached herself. Not that it would matter if she thought going back would fix anything, her mind was set and that was a force worse then nature to contend with.

Reaching the crater that the falling item had created left Aurian nothing short of dumbfounded. Granted, she had expected something huge, but this? This was _massive_! "Gods I hope this is a good guy." She whispered as she crawled out of the truck's cab and crept toward the large rise the impact had made.

"Hello?" Aurian called out timidly. "Do you know English?" She questioned. "Cause I unfortunately can't speak Cybertronian." She laughed slightly as she finally was able to look over the rise and into the deep, deep gorge in front of her. Gasping at the clump of metal that greeted her she found her innards flopping around dramatically while her legs did not hesitate to go over the edge and commit her to approaching the still form. "Hey? You alright? You don't look alright."

The heat rising off of the creature was immense and she feared burning herself as she reached out to touch it, but as stated previously, the curious will not be deterred. She was downright stupefied when she touched the metallic skin and found it to be cold. Burning cold, but still cold! She pulled her hand away and clutched it to her chest already feeling the blisters forming. "Slag!" She griped as she continued around the still form towards where she assumed the head would be. "Hey! Can you hear me?" Still there was no response and Aurian began to fear for the unmoving form. She reached the head and knew immediately something was wrong. There was fluids leaking from its mouth and she could clearly see a large gash in the 'chest' area of the, what she now confirmed to herself was a mech. "Damn, figures."

Climbing out of the hole was no picnic as its sides were steep and rather smoothly carved out of glass, since the heat impacting the sand had been such extreme temperature, so her only option was to walk up the steep incline of the drag zone. "I wouldn't think twice about jumping in a hole, would I? No. Stupid. If I just thought for two seconds I bet there was a rope in that damn truck I could have used." She griped the whole way back to the truck. Careful not to use her damaged hand she slammed the door shut and turned the large vehicle back toward the military base. She was only half relieved to see that they were indeed pursuing her. "Good. I can meet them halfway for them to shoot me." She sighed. "Oh well, if I can at least get them to get Ratchet I guess it's all worth it, right?"

Flooring it all the way back towards the trucks that were speeding her way she did a quick once over looking for any of the familiar forms that would indicate that the Autobots had joined in the pursuit. Much to her great dismay she realized they had not. "Alright." She committed herself yet again to more stupidity with little thought about what would happen to her personally once she had done it and found herself speeding right through the center of the pursuing group and barreling right through the gate into the military base because the man at the gate was not quick enough to open it for her. She drove right up to one of the main buildings and ran inside screaming like a loon trying to get as much attention as she possibly could.

"Ratchet! I need you NOW!" She shouted, though only humans it seemed were available. "He's in trouble, you need to get out there right away!" She continued, purposely being vague in her description.

"What are you talking about?" Finally a loud voice boomed at her.

"Ironhide!" She shouted as she turned to find the large mech looming over her, only taking a second to wonder how he had managed that, "Where's Ratchet?"

"Why do you want to know?" He crossed his arms in that painfully familiar stance as he glared down at her.

"Pit," she growled loudly, "Because a bot just crash landed out in the desert and he's unconscious and hurt, THAT'S why!" She kicked the large mech's foot for emphasis, not that she even dreamed that it would cause him any harm, or even discomfort but it sure made her feel better.

"What?" Ironhide was stunned by her vehement actions, let alone the news she had just dumped on him. "Nothing showed up on our..."

"The fraggin' storm you moron!" She cut him off angrily, "Why are you wasting time when there's a mech in need out there?"

Before she realized what happened she found herself clutched in a tight, though not crushing grip as Ironhide ran from the building they were currently in to one on the far side of the compound. Aurian's pursuers had caught up to her abandoned truck and were now stunned to see Ironhide's quick retreat from where they had thought they would have her cornered with her in his hand. She took a moment to be thoroughly amused by their varying looks.

"Ratchet!" Ironhide bellowed as he slammed the door open, Aurian looked down fearfully wondering if any humans had been behind said door. It looked as if they all knew to stay very clear of the opening though as there were clear and bright marking indicating where the door would slide should it be slammed open. 'Apparently this happens often enough for clear warnings', she mused.

"What the slag, Ironhide?" Ratchet cursed as he spun around to the offending mech, "What's got you all wound up now?"

"Meteor." Was all he said before he thrust Aurian in the medic's direction.

She could only assume that he meant for her to explain further as blood rushed through her head at all the swift motions. "Gah! Can't you be even a little considerate?!" She demanded of her current captor before turning to the very stunned Ratchet. "I saw a meteor crash out in the desert. I don't think anyone else saw, but I went out there and it's a mech. He's hurt and not coming online, so I can only assume that somethings really wrong. I came looking for you but found him," she jerked her thumb at the mech holding her out like a doll, "instead."

Everything exploded into action as Ratchet started barking orders and Ironhide retreated from the building with her in hand still. She only half wondered if he even realized he was still holding onto her and more hoped that he didn't just suddenly let her go. That was a long drop.

Once again she was speeding out into the desert, only this time not under he own volition as she was still captive in Ironhide's firm, but not crushing, grip. "Where?" He asked shortly, and held her up so she could point. It took her a moment to get her barrings correct as she looked around. She was only thankful that there were a few landmarks out here and she was able to point the mech in the right direction, as all evidence she had been able to see was now gone. Again they took off and Aurian got the distinct feeling that she was very thankful she had skipped lunch or she would most certainly be returning it now. This was worse then some of the craziest carnival rides she'd previously ridden. She'd never have the desire to defy gravity again.

The piercing noise Aurian had come to know as the Autobots communication filled the air and Aurian was that much more discomforted. "You suck!" Was all she shouted as she tried desperately to cover her ears and keep her eyes closed against the movement of the running mech. The pain that shot through her hand was only secondary and she ignored it completely in favor of trying to preserve her ears.

When she was unceremoniously deposited on the ground her legs absolutely refused to support her and she collapsed into a quivering heap on the ground. Despite being empty, her stomach still heaved as her center of gravity began to settle. "Slag it, _never_ again!" She shouted between heaves. "Do you even know what that's like?" She continued, not really caring that Ironhide wasn't listening to a single word she spoke. "Blasted idiot." She finally mumbled feeling somewhat vindicated after her little tirade.

She looked around to see that Ironhide had already stepped down into the crater to examine the unconscious mech within. "Sure, one step for Cybertonions, one giant leap of doom for humankind." Aurian couldn't help but mock the famous moon landing quote as she slid back into the hole. She came up beside Ironhide who was kneeling next to the mech's head, a look of concern on his face. "He gonna live?"

"If Ratchet moves his aft..." He left the answer open ended making it clear to Aurian that he actually had no idea.

"Who's this?" She asked, timidly reaching out to touch the mech once again. Her mother's voice proclaiming from the recess of her mind, 'will you ever learn?' 'No.' She argued as she laid her hand on the still very chilled but no longer burning metal. "Why's he so cold?"

"Space is cold." Ironhide answered absently.

"But reentry isn't."

Ironhide spared her a slightly stunned look. "What's your point?"

"Shouldn't reentry have caused at least his outer shell to have become super heated? I mean, he did blaze the sand into glass, so he had to of been really hot." She patted the metal again, creating a faint ringing sound, "But when I got here the first time he was so cold he burned my hand." She displayed the tortured flesh for him to see, taking a second to look herself. "Damn, that's going to hurt tomorrow."

"Slag." Was Ironhide's only answer.

Aurian was quickly overwhelmed as Ratchet lept into the hole and began treating the wounded mech and the others were not far behind. She scrambled to get out of their way, realizing they were not paying attention to where one human was standing compared to their fallen comrade and found herself greeted by what she could only assume to be a platoon of military personal with very foul looks on their faces. "Oh, hi." She waved sheepishly, "Guess yer mad I took the truck. And crashed your gate. And ran off." She looked back over her shoulder and shrugged, "Kind of an emergency."

One man stepped forward, a black band on his arm declaring him to be military police. "I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

"Yeah, yeah. So, do I get a firing squad or are you going to shoot me in private?" She grumbled as the man tugged her arms behind her, securing her wrists with the zip tie handcuffs. 'Who thought these up?' She asked angrily as the thin plastic tried to cut into her skin, 'some evil man I'm sure.'

"What are you doing?" A loud voice demanded as the man began to haul Aurian away by her now bound arm. Ironhide took two steps to stand in front of them.

"She stole a military vehicle and damaged military property." Was all the man was willing to offer as he tried to move past the imposing form before them.

"There was just cause."

"Just cause I was curious." Aurian boasted. Both the MP and Ironhide glared at her. "Okay, won't talk anymore. Got it."

"There is no reason for her actions. She should have alerted the guards. She acted irresponsibly and caused damage because of it. Not to mention the disruptions."

"You would have listened if she had approached you saying a meteor had fallen?"

"I would have checked the radars and reports."

"And that would have taken you how long?" Aurian snapped. She understood she was in trouble and she was willing to accept that, but she _wasn't_ willing to let someone describe how taking several hours would have been better then what she had done. Irresponsible or not. "Excuse me if I happen to think life is a little more important then proper chains of action." She groused, "Can we get on our way already? These...cuffs...are cutting my skin."

Ironhide knelt down and glared at the man holding Aurian's arm. "Release the woman. She is no criminal and shouldn't be treated this way for being quick in action."

Aurian was stunned. "You're really standing up for me? Well, kneeling I guess, but I thought you didn't trust me!" She was relieved as the plastic cuffs were cut from her wrists and she quickly examined them. The one on her already burnt hand had apparently been too tight and hand indeed cut into her skin a little. Not enough to be of any concern, just enough to be annoying for a few days.

"Hmph." Was all Ironhide said as he returned to his companions who were trying to very delicately arrange the still unconscious mech onto one of the flatbed trucks that had followed them out.

"If it's of any consequence to you," she told the MP, "I agree with you." She shrugged at his unbelieving glare and moved to where she could see everything without being in the way. She sat on the hood of one of the jeeps that had come out and tried to puzzle together who this new mech was and what may have happened to him.

~********~********~********~********~********~********~********~********~******

_Journal entry _continued_; watching havoc_

_They were a team, I knew that, but to _see_ it? Wow. I mean there was hardly a word spoken and they worked so well together. It was almost like a dance, had it not been for the injured mech between them I might have been inclined to let my mind believe that._

_Ratchet's concerned look did not escape my notice however and I knew that this mech was in serious trouble. If he pulled through the trip back to the base then it would likely be a miracle. I couldn't help but to feel guilty. Maybe I should have gotten Ratchet in the first place? If I had not taken the extra time to sate my stupid curiosity this mech's condition would not have reached this point. But then again, maybe no one would have believed me and he would have perished. Who's to say in the grand scheme of 'what if' anyway? What's done is done and now I go to face my repercussions. Yay foolish actions!_

_~Aurian Fae_


	8. Journal Entry 8

_Journal entry; discoveries_

_Things were insane there for a while and I did end up in confinement for nearly three days with several charges against me while the Autobots were concerned with their fallen comrade. I didn't think it out of line to tell you the truth, I mean I _stole_ a truck and _crashed_ through a high security gate. Lots of damage._

_Apparently Ironhide was livid when he found out they had detained me despite the fact that he had vouched for my actions and _everyone_ heard about it. So even though I was due for Gods know how long to remain in that little secluded room, I am out and about again three days later. I generally avoid everyone at this point. The humans hold me in contempt and the Autobots are busy getting their new friend up to date._

_I was surprised when the new mech sought me out while I was wandering about the skirts of the base trying to avoid more evil glares._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian was not a people person. She had never pretended to even attempt to be one of those people that could simply make good of any situation. As a matter of fact when things got tense she tended to just run away, so to speak. Thus she found herself banished by her own desire to just avoid all of the intense looks to the far reaches of the least used area of the base. It happened to be near the landing strip which was, as far as she knew, completely unused.

"You are Aurian?" A loud voice rumbled as a shadow encompassed the unsuspecting woman.

Leaping to her feet, tripping over them in the process of spinning to see the mech that had snuck up on her and subsequently ending up on her duff sitting in the dirt looking up at said mech, Aurian wondered yet again how something _that_ big could be _that_ sneaky! "I've been known to go by that name." She grumbled, not even bothering with trying to get back up, half of it being the fact she saw little need and half that she was spending that energy studiously ignoring the throbbing pain in her hand. "Yer the new guy, huh?"

"New guy?" The mech snarled indignantly, "You don't know who I am?"

"Well, honestly, my knowledge is limited and I haven't exactly been introduced."

"You knew the others."

"That's because they were in the first movie. You, my friend, were not."

"Movie?" The mech knelt down to better glare at the woman seated before him, "I think if there'd been a movie, I would have been in it."

"That so? Cause, well, you weren't. No offense." Aurian leaned back trying to get a better look at this new mech's features. She was sure that if she studied him long enough she would figure out who he was. 'Why can't he just tell me?' She grumbled silently to herself.

"There's no way some old rusted pile of slag like Ironhide would be in a movie and I wouldn't. I'm so much cooler then him."

"Ah!" Aurian leaned forward pointing a finger at the mech determinedly, "You're one of the twins!"

The mech shifted backward at the announcement, "I thought you didn't know who I was."

"I didn't. But you're attitude is pretty easy to pick up. Let's see..." She looked over the mech with a frown, "You're silver." She stated flatly.

"Of course!" The mech preened his shiny exterior, wiping away imaginary dust. "I think it suits me just fine."

"Hmmm." Aurian studied the shiny surface of the mech before her, "I thought you would go with red, or yellow like in G1."

"G one?"

"But I guess that Ratchet wasn't yellow and Ironhide wasn't black in G1 so why should everyone else be held to the color scheme? What's your alt?" She asked completely ignoring the mech's own question. "Did you go with the Lamborghini?"

"Stingray."

"Nice! Not what I expected at all. Where'd you find a Stingray out here? Must be one of the head honcho's cars. Bet he's real pleased to know there's a giant alien posing as his pride and joy." She laughed a little wondering if the owner of said vehicle even knew. "Now the question is, which one are you?" Aurian finally stood and studied the mech's face intently. "Oh..." A thought dawned on her as she looked at him and remembered the conversation she had had with the previously gathered Autobots her first day. "Sideswipe..." She almost whispered, "Where's Sunstreaker?"

The mech reeled at this statement, returning to his full height and taking several steps away from the woman before him. "How..."

"Don't make me go through it all again. You won't believe me anyway." Aurian shrugged and turned away from the obviously disturbed mech. He was probably going to start accusing her of deceit just like the others had and honestly, she just didn't want to deal with it.

"You mean, you don't know what happened to him?" The mech sounded crestfallen causing Aurian to rethink her retreat and turn back to him.

"How should I know?" She spoke softly, it seemed that Sideswipe was not upset by her knowledge, but rather her lack of it. "I only saw the first movie Sides, I only know that you were supposed to be in the second one but they never mentioned Sunny."

"Oh." Sideswipe's gaze turned to the sky as if he were gaging something Aurian could not see. "We were separated. When the others told me about you, I guess I thought you'd know where he went."

"I'm sorry." And truly she was. If his expression was anything to go by Sideswipe was very upset by the fact he was unaware of his twins whereabouts or his condition. "How? I mean, what happened that you ended up here in such bad shape and he's nowhere to be found?" Aurian cringed as the words left her mouth. Not the most tactical moment in her life.

"Battle." Sideswipe laughed, though distantly. "Some slaggin' D'Con sucker punched me with a blade," he indicated the faint scarring where Ratchet had welded his wound shut, "then went after Sunny. He drew the slagger away from me and that was the last I saw of him. There was one transmission that he sent saying he was fine, tryin' to check on my status but I was too damaged to respond at the time. Pit! I barely got myself on track with Optimus's signal before..." The bot hesitated looking curiously at Aurain.

"Stasis lock?" She supplied, only half amused that he was testing to see if she knew the term.

"Yeah." He sighed heavily which Aurian found interesting considering that Cybertronians didn't really breath. She imagined it was kind of like when an air compressor released it's hold before building up more. "I guess I owe you one."

"What?" She was honestly confused and stunned to boot. "Why?"

"Optimus said you're the one that found me."

"Well, you're wonderful decent upon the Earth was kinda hard to miss." She didn't add the fact that everyone else was under cover at the time and only her odd love of bad weather had left her in a prime place to have witnessed it.

"Yeah," Sideswipe snorted disbelievingly, "And the guys didn't get me on radar because they weren't looking, not because of electrical interference from the storm." He stated rather sarcastically. "Because of you they got to me in time to save me...so...thanks." He seemed almost shy to speak the appreciation. "I owe you one."

"Don't worry about it." Aurian waived off his commitment as no great consequence. It was her curiosity that had led her to him after all and it had proved to get her into plenty of trouble for it so dwelling on favors wasn't really on her most desired list, she just wanted it done with.

"Worry about it?" Sideswipe sounded almost angered by the words, "My _life_, human, is something worth worrying about thank you very much and I will return the favor weather you like it or not."

Aurian was stunned. "Oh. When you put it that way..." She sighed heavily. "I didn't really mean it like that Sides. I just meant that anyone in my place would have done the same thing. I didn't even think it through really. You could have died because I made the wrong decision in going out there to follow my curiosity rather then just going to find the Autobots and sending them after you. I mean, what if those few minutes had been all it took and you _did_ die? No one would be thanking me then. I'd be lucky if I got to rot in prison for my actions. Ironhide probably would have just blown me up."

"The way he went after your fellow humans when he found out they had you in the brig? I doubt it."

"That's only because you lived." Aurian clarified. "Didn't you pick up on the part where he thinks I'm a spy?"

"Why would he think you're a spy?"

Again Aurian was just stunned. "Knowing all this stuff I apparently shouldn't know because _no one_ knows about Transformers but me and the few lucky bastards that were recruited for this project."

"Really?" Sideswipe considered the womans flustered look for a minute. "Yeah, I guess I was a little disbelieving when they told me you knew so much, but then again, I just got here so what do I know?"

"So you were just willing to accept that an alien knew intricate details about your race, your planet and your war without suspicion?"

Sideswipe shrugged, interestingly enough Aurian couldn't help but wonder if that was a human trait he had already picked up or if that was something that was universal...or would it be termed cosmic? "Strange things happen all the time. Can't get all wound up about everything. Now, if I thought you were a threat I'd kill you, so I really don't see the problem."

"Kill..?" Aurian swallowed hard. "Okay. Makes sense. Do me a favor though, will you at least let me know if you think I'm a threat so I can close my eyes first?"

With this Sideswipe burst into laughter. A sound Aurian found all at once strange and pleasing. It was different then the deep rolling sound of Ironhide or the easy amusement of Ratchet and no where near Bumblebee's strange chortling. It was more like smooth bursts of energy that just washed through the air. "What is closing your eyes going to do for you if I decide to eliminate you?" He asked once his laughter subsided into chuckles.

"Nothing. I just don't want to see it coming." Aurian admitted plainly.

"You aren't like the other humans are you?" It was more of an observed statement then a question.

"Not around here, that's for sure." She confirmed with a scowl around the decidedly empty grounds around her, "These guys are all military. They've got a way about them. Though I guess I'm not really like other people either, I do tend to stand out. But what's life if not worth standing out a little?"

"Exactly!" Sideswipe agreed loudly and the two shared a moment of understanding. Aurian was amused. Sure she had had ideas about all the Autobots, she read enough stories and participated in enough forum debates to have a pretty firm impression of who they were and how they acted but she still found herself amazed that despite light years of distance between them and an entirely different evolutionary plan that they were still so very similar to humans. "So," Sideswipe started a few moments later, "Tell me more about this planet."

"Only if you tell me about yours." Aurian challenged.

"Deal."

~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Major William Lennox had seen many things in his service with the rangers and he liked to think himself mostly unshakable, especially after the events of the past several months. Something about warring giant alien robots tended to make you jaded towards many things. However he still found himself somewhat taken aback by the site he was now looking upon. Granted, in the grand scheme of it all there was absolutely nothing abnormal or wrong about it, as long as you overlooked the fact that one of the two beings he was looking at was one of the giant alien robots and that the other, while human, was happily seated on the roof of a building that there was no way for her to have reached on her own. Now add into that that the woman had been rather reclusive the past few days and that she tended to shy away from the aliens since having sent Ironhide on a rampage after what had started out as an innocent conversation and it got slightly stranger and then top that with the fact that the robot she was currently conversing with was the newest arrival and he, unlike his comrades, seemed to have no suspicion toward the woman who was privy to some of their greater secrets and it just went a little over the top.

He wasn't sure if he should interrupt the two as they seemed to be having a rather relaxed conversation and despite the fact the he himself was a little leery about the woman's acquisition of information she shouldn't have he was relieved to see her finally seeming comfortable, Aurian was a nice enough woman after all. However, Will's decision was made for him when both parties lept to their feet swifter then he thought possible, or safe for the woman perched on the rooftop, and took stances he knew all too well to be designed and stylized for fighting. His heart lept into his throat as his body took action before his brain fully processed the situation and he ran toward the apparently quarreling beings desperately wondering what the Hell Aurian was thinking? She had no weapons! And even if she did, the mech she was facing off against didn't need a weapon to destroy her.

Their movements startled him and he thought he was about to see the end of the woman that had caused so much commotion the past few days until it dawned on him...they weren't striking at each other but instead moving in tandem. "Sparring?" He questioned aloud, though still to far off to really be heard by either party. 'No,' he corrected himself silently, 'he's teaching her.' The realization was astounding but unmistakable as the new mech abandoned his stance to nudge her slightly so that she stood correctly and then moved to the next position and waited for her to mimic him.

"You've got a knack for it, I'll give you that." The new mech was saying as Will got within hearing range.

"Years of practice."

"So show me some of this style you called...what?"

Aurian laughed, "Not really a style I don't think. Well, I guess it kind of is. It's a weapons form called fencing. It's done with blades, usually foil or epee and sometimes rapier but there are others such as saber, shlogger, dagger, some people are brave or dumb and bring the heavy weapons into it like broadsword or short swords. Traditional fencing is only with the smaller blades though. I do a variation we have lovingly dubbed Renaissance Style Fencing, where we don't do the Olympic form but more of a battle form." She displayed the difference between the two stances as she explained. Taking on the traditional Olympic fencing stance where one hand is held aloft and a minimal of mass is exposed to the opponent and then the other where, though still minimal mass is exposed, the free hand is used to either wield a second weapon, a shield, or used to parry if one was brave and the body is held in a slightly deeper crouch. "Honestly I feel the Renaissance style affords for more flexibility and it definitely offers more defense options." She shrugged as she let the stance go and faced the mech she was talking to, "But everyone has their own opinion."

"Hmm." The mech considered the woman before seamlessly stepping back and withdrawing two rather large blades of his own, "I prefer the large blades myself." He stated proudly.

"I knew it!" Aurian squealed as she leaned dangerously over the edge of the rooftop trying to examine the weapons. "Wow, those are some beautiful blades Sides. How long did it take you to get them just right?"

"Eons." The mech chuckled holding them closer to the woman so she could look them over without tempting gravity.

"Sides?" Will questioned as he had finally come to the pair. He leaned back to look up at both of them, first Aurian leaning over the edge of the roof and then the new mech that looked down at the new arrival.

"Oh, hi Will!" Aurian called out waving, "Will, this is Sideswipe." She indicated the mech before her, "Sides, this is Major William Lennox." This time she waved her hand down toward the man on the ground.

"Good to finally meet you Sideswipe." Will greeted with all the professionalism years of military training could instill.

"Lennox? Optimus mentioned that you were involved in the last battle."

"Yeah, I was there." Will nodded.

"Congratulations." Sideswipe inclined his head slightly. "You're a brave warrior and your victory was great." He heaved a heavy sigh, "I wish I had been there."

"No you don't." Aurian stated before she thought it through.

"What?" Both Sideswipe and Will questioned at the same moment.

"Of course I do." Sideswipe continued, "The defeat of Megatron? Why would I want to have missed that?"

"Well, it's just that I know you and you're tendency to get a little...vengeful?" She thought about the word for a moment before shrugging, "If you had been there and seen, um, well," Aurian caught herself. She had sent Ironhide off the deep end because she hadn't thought about what she was saying and she did not want to repeat that again, especially not with a mech that had a much smaller regard for those who got in his way then Ironhide. "I just think it wouldn't have ended well for you or those around you."

"Are you saying I'm careless?" Sideswipe was angered, Aurian could not question that.

"Not so much careless as much as single minded." Aurian snapped her mouth shut. Damn, there she went again. 'I really need to fix my brain/mouth filter!' She scolded herself angrily.

"What?!" Aurian thought for sure that she would become deaf with the sheer volume of the mech's voice, Will was inclined to second the thought. "Where do you get off, human?" He snarled as he glared down at the woman before him. No one knew for sure what he was about to do, not even Sideswipe himself, but Aurian knew it was not going to end well.

"Sides, think about it." She took on her best motherly tone as she spoke to the enraged mech, hoping desperately that maternal tuning was also cosmic. "Jazz died." She stated as flatly as she could force her voice to be, only allowing the faintest tint of sorrow to lace the strict tone, "If you had seen that, what would you have done?"

"I would have destroyed the one who had done it!" He stated without hesitation.

"Exactly. Even if you couldn't have possibly of defeated that enemy you would have still gone after him?"

"Death is no cause for cowardice!"

"Of course it's not. I would never say that. But in your desire to exact your revenge for Jazz's demise you would have overlooked the fact that it was Megatron." Sideswipe seemed struck by her words and he leaned away from her. "You did know that, right?"

He paused before he answered. "Yes."

"Okay, so now consider that, while even I would say you'd probably have given him a grand run for his money, he would have killed you too and then your comrades would have to of faced the death of two good friends instead of one." Sideswipe didn't say anything but his expression clearly showed he was unsure. He was still angered but the woman's words had rung true, at least to some degree. "Sides, did they tell you _how_ Jazz was killed?"

"Megatron destroyed him, you just said that." He snapped.

"But _how_ did he do it?"

"They didn't say." He growled. Sideswipe was beginning to understand how the others had been cautious of this woman. She had a creepy insight that just sent jolts through his circuits.

"For good reason." Aurian held her gaze steady on the mech. Even if her insides were fighting to see who could find the lowest point in her body to quiver in she knew that if she showed any signs that she was nervous or afraid that Sideswipe would catch it and much as a predictor to prey he would latch onto it and use it. To what extent, she didn't want to know. "He..." Was this a good idea? She wondered. "Megatron tore him in half." She stated finally deciding that he needed to know. Was it really her place to tell him? Probably not.

Sideswipe didn't say a word. He picked Aurian up and placed her gently on the ground and walked away. Aurian couldn't even find the words to make him stop, she couldn't read his body language to know if he was about to do something dumb or if she had pushed the completely wrong 'big red button'.

"You did it again." Will scolded. He was watching the retreating mech with a mix of interest and concern. He didn't know this mech at all and had no clue as to what he might do now, but if Aurian's label had been right he suspected that nothing good would come of this.

"Did what?" Aurian spoke without thinking.

"Opened your mouth when you should have kept it shut."

"Yep." She agreed whole heartedly. "I just hope I didn't just launch the proverbial atom bomb."

~*********~*********~*********~*********~*********~*********~*********~********

_Journal entry _continued_; when to stand and when to run_

_Sometimes I regret that I speak my mind rather openly. Granted, that's what had landed me my totally awesome job...that I'm not even sure if I still have at this point, but it sure gets me into a lot of places I'd rather not be. Such as facing down three rather angry mechs and a whole ~colony~ of angry humans. Okay, maybe colony isn't right, but it was more then a platoon but less then the entire base._

_Apparently what I had said to Sideswipe had impacted the mech harder then I would have thought and he had vanished. Gone! He wouldn't answer communications from anyone, even Optimus and no one had been able to track him down._

_Needless to say Ironhide was regretting forcing the humans to release me from containment._

_Well, slag._

_~Aurian Fae_

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

AN: Okay, I know a lot of you were pleased with the distrust of the Autobots/humans in the base toward Aurain and I hope that this chapter did not disappoint you. Real quick I would just like to state my theory for why Sideswipe is more accepting of her as opposed to the others: He arrived and she was already there. To him she's no different then the other humans at the base and they all have a good amount of knowledge of the Autobots too. Make sense? I hope so.

Also I hope no one is disapointed that Sides arrived alone. Don't worry, the others will arrive...eventually. ^_~!

And again thanx FORD B. my beta, you're great!


	9. Journal Entry 9

_Journal entry; fear the big one_

_I was subjected to _hours_ of shouts and lectures by every uppity up in the base, not to mention that Ironhide had a few choice words for me. I didn't argue with a one of them. Didn't even really say anything unless it was required. They were right and I couldn't deny it._

_Optimus finally deemed that he needed to speak with me in private and that's where I found out that no matter how kind, benevolent, caring, soft, sweet, ~whatever~ all those fanfictions and profile sites said about the GIANT alien leader, when he glared at you he was downright terrifying._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Optimus looked down at the repentant woman standing on his desk looking for all the world like she wished she had something to crawl under. He was not pleased with several things that the woman had spoken of in the past few Earth days and was determined to stop it before she did any further damage, however looking at her he could see that she _knew_ she had done wrong and was completely willing to accept whatever he would do without any argument. It was not what he was expecting to say the least.

"I didn't mean it." She spoke softly, but Optimus's superior audio receivers could easily pick up the quiet words. "I wasn't really thinking. I just kinda...I don't know. I thought he needed to know."

"Why?" He tried to keep the anger out of his voice but her wince was an obvious indication he had failed.

"Because if it had been me, I'd have wanted to know." She explained miserably. "Jazz was a good friend to him, don't you think he at least deserved to know the truth?"

"The truth? Yes. The details? I think those could have been spared."

"Yeah...probably." Aurian shuffled her feet a little before looking up at the Autobot leader, a mix of honest sorrow and something else that Optimus couldn't quite place playing across her face. "But without the details, it's only a half truth at best."

Optimus was unsure how to respond to that. It was true that even he viewed a half truth as fraudulent and wouldn't stand for it, so did that mean that she had been right? By those standards, yes, but still. Sideswipe was one of the younger mechs and despite whatever he may have seen in his lifetime of war was it really that prudent to describe Jazz's death so completely? "Perhaps." He gave, at least he could see her point of view.

"What, um, did you tell Ironhide?" Aurian knew that her most recent blunder wasn't the only thing that the large mech wanted to discuss with her so thought she might as well move the conversation on now that he didn't seem as upset about this particular one.

"I told him the truth." Optimus sighed, "I hadn't intended to keep the shard a secret from the others. I simply wished to wait for a more appropriate time."

"Oh."

"I wanted to avoid the false hope that the shard may represent to them." He lowered his head slightly as he continued, "It is merely a shard and does not have the power within it to resurrect our planet. I knew that once they discovered that it existed that they would demand we try."

"Is that what he wanted to do?"

"Yes." Optimus considered his next move for a long moment before he retrieved a small object from one of his storage panels. "It is dead, for all terms and purposes. It cannot bring our world back. It cannot even repair its self." He dropped the small object before Aurian and she found herself trapped between giddy joy at seeing the detailed carvings on the small thing and absolute horror at knowing _that_ was all that was left of the one device that could have saved the Cybertronians.

"Oh, Gods, Optimus!" Aurian walked slowly around the jagged piece of unusual metal. She wanted to touch it, she wanted to see if she could pull it apart and see how it worked, she wanted to make it whole again...she wanted to do _something_! "Could it..." She paused to think out her next words carefully. She didn't want to repeat her past two flummoxes yet again.

"Yes?" Optimus prodded. Even if it was suspicious all the things this young human knew, she had a different way of looking at things and he was interested to know what she thought of the chunk of metal that no longer represented the hope of their entire race.

"Is it possible that it might be able to resurrect a mech?" She looked at the leader to gauge his reaction. She didn't think that her question was out of line, or that it could cause any harm. It was, after all, just a theory.

Optimus pondered the thought. The humans from Sector Seven had used the residual energies from the Allspark to generate life within their own inanimate objects, so could it do the same for a once live mech? And if it could, would that mech be actually alive or would it just be animate? "That I think is a question best answered by Ratchet."

"Oh." Aurian turned to study the little piece of metal again, "He doesn't know yet, does he?"

"No." Aurian wasn't entirely sure but she thought the Autobot leader had just groaned.

"He's not gonna be happy, is he?" It was a statement, not a question. "I won't say anything. I promise." She closed her eyes briefly as she scolded herself for her previous moments of stupidity. "Okay, I will try my best anyway. I don't always think once my mouth starts running. I just follow the train of thought to its end, unfortunately sometimes it ends badly...okay, recently _most_ of the time it ends badly."

"I think its time you told me everything you know so we may avoid future incidences."

"I don't know that I can promise everything." Aurian saw the dark look take over the large mechs face as he glared at her, "I mean, cripes! What I meant was that I know a lot of stuff, I can't guarantee that I'll remember everything right here and now, but like I said before I'll tell you everything I can remember."

"Hmm." Optimus sounded suspicious.

Aurian groaned, 'great, this is all I need', she thought to herself miserably. "This would be easier if I had Ruby."

"Who's Ruby?"

"Not who, what. Ruby's my laptop. The computer that Will confiscated when he brought me here. Well, wherever he took me anyway."

"I may be able to arrange for that." Aurian was happy to hear that. Ruby may not have been a living thing but the laptop had been an integral part of her life for several years and she missed the small comfort it's humming hard drive gave her. Kind of like a security blanket for nerds. Optimus sent out a signal to someone, who Aurian didn't know, she only knew that the message had been sent by the horrible sound that consumed her brain for a few seconds.

"I really wish you guys wouldn't do that around me." She moaned, one hand pressing against her forehead trying to relieve the sudden headache. Another waive of the heinous sound alerted her to someones response and she groaned again.

"Why don't we begin while we wait. Tell me about these...'fan fic's'? you told Ironhide of."

"Oh!" Aurian felt a wave of excitement as she thought of all the questions that fanfictions had created that she may now be able to get answered by the leader of the Autobots himself! "They're stories."

"Yes, Ironhide said that they were human speculations on how we have come to be and the things we have done."

"Exactly!" She nearly hopped with her joy, "So, are you Bumblebee's creator?" The dead silence made Aurian realize that once more, she had opened her mouth and let the wrong words fall out. "Oh, um...is that a secret too? Or, is it not true? I just ask because I've read so many...Optimus?"

The large bot had stood as Aurian tried to explain herself and she was afraid she was about to see a repeat of Sideswipe's disappearing act as he moved toward the large door of his office. However, instead of leaving he punched a code into the panel beside the door and she heard the unmistakable sound of locks engaging. 'Oh, Hell! She thought desperately, 'He's going to kill me.'

"What would bring you to believe such a thing?" Optimus turned back toward the woman, his optics focused intently on her.

"Rampant fanfiction theory." She stated. Her heart raced but she knew now that the large mech did not have her imminent demise in mind...or processor, however you wanted to think of it. "It was always written as a 'rumor' that was never really outright denied, a few times it was even confirmed through some of the stories. I guess my real question should have been is it really only the Allspark that could create life for you guys? Or is it possible for a femme and a mech to create a life on their own?"

Optimus sighed, he had never really thought about discussing their reproduction with an alien before and it really wasn't something he wanted to do. "I thought we were going to discuss what you know, not what you're curious of."

"Oh." Aurian was disappointed but she couldn't blame the mech. She had kind of dropped a bombshell on him and if the Allspark really had been their only way to create life then likely it was a very sensitive subject. Hell, even if it was something that a femme and mech paring could do, there was hardly a femme to be seen right now.

"You predicted Sideswipe's arrival, even that he would be without his twin. Lets start there."

"Okay. Well, the news posts had a list of tentative Autobot arrivals. Like I said before Arcee is most likely due to arrive since they already had her design for the first movie but decided not to follow through." She had to pause and think for a while, "There was another one they mentioned, oh who was it? Started with a 'C' or something like that..." Aurian made a few 'ch' and 'ka' noises trying to spur the name into her own mind. "Jolt!" She finally announced proudly.

"That does not start with a 'C', or anything that sounds like that." Optimus pointed out confused.

"I know." Aurian waived it off as nothing of great concern. In all actuality she did that a lot and was used to the fact that others had a hard time dealing with her odd way of remembering things. To her she had remembered that the name had rhymed with the vehicle alt mode the mech was supposed to take on and that sounded similar to a baby horse, a colt. Hence to her, the name started with a 'C'. "I wonder if they'll bring in Prowl? Well, probably not since his alt is also a police car, they probably would think it'd be too confusing after Barricade." Aurian paced along the desk as she thought out loud, forgetting that she had actually been talking to Optimus. "I wonder how he'll take Jazz's death. Poor guy. I can't even imagine..." Her voice trailed off as her thoughts ran away with her over the many different thoughts that had been wide spread through the fandom considering the two mechs.

Optimus for his part was stunned by the woman's rambling. She continued to simply reference things that there was no way for her to know. He had become somewhat use to the idea that what she said about a movie and fandom were, if not true to the world, were true to her but it still did not stop the shock every time something new was presented that was part of the 'she could not know that' type. When Ironhide had come to him fuming about the Allspark shard Optimus had been beside himself with absolute astonishment and then went on about this thing called 'fan fic' where people had written about them? That was beyond belief. Not to mention that Ironhide had been completely distraught that the woman had speculated that he had been Bumblebee's caretaker.

"But if Ratchet could use the shard to bring back Jazz, that wouldn't be a problem." Aurian continued completely oblivious to the large mech's dazed expression. She walked over to the shard and lifted it, granted it was large in her hands, but still small enough for her to easily handle. "If it has enough power left that is. I wonder how it's supposed to work."

"The Sector Seven humans knew how to access the Allspark's potential." Optimus finally spoke, startling the woman who had forgotten that he had been listening to her and she dropped the fragment looking almost guilty for having touched it. "It may not be such a bad idea to see if they could do so again."

"But Sector Seven was disbanded."

"That does not mean that their information has been."

"Right! So, you're going to ask these government guys for it? But shouldn't you tell the others about the shard before that...I mean, to avoid more, um...outbursts?"

"You are correct." Optimus sighed, "I should not have kept it from them for so long in the first place."

At that moment there came an odd sound that Aurian could not identify but Optimus was jolted out of his musings and turned to the door. He keyed in the code to release the locks and greeted whomever was on the other side, bent to retrieve something and bid farewell to them before closing the door once more. Optimus reached his hand out toward Aurian and she was overjoyed to see her small red laptop within. "Ruby!" She exclaimed as she grabbed up the small machine and looked it over intently.

"They claim no damage has been done to this item."

"I'm sure they did," Aurian grumbled as she rubbed at a small scuff on the top of the machine, "They don't want to have to replace it. Not that they could." She plopped herself down on the oversized desk and booted up the laptop. "Did they even show you what was on here?" She asked somewhat perturbed.

"It is 'password protected'."

"Riiiiiiight," Aurian gave him a look that Optimus knew meant that she knew that was not true, "like they don't have their very own team of hackers that couldn't get past my password." The machine made a pleasant noise as it booted up. "You believed them? Cause they lied to you. I'll tell you that right now."

"I did not see a reason to question them at the time. You were more then willing to disclose whatever it was that you knew, so whatever information may have been stored on your personal device did not seem important." Optimus returned to his seat and watched as Aurian searched through her files bringing up random things as she went. "Was I incorrect?"

"No." She stated flatly, "There's really nothing on here that I would have hidden from you, but you didn't believe me when I told you where I got my information from, so shouldn't you have checked to make sure I didn't have some," Aurian changed her tone to something mocking a horror movie announcer, "'evil Decepticon plans for world domination'?" She smiled at the look Optimus gave her. "I don't, but I'm just saying if I were you, I'd have looked." Aurian laughed a little to herself and repositioned herself so that the larger mech could see the screen of her laptop better. "Can you see alright?"

"Yes."

"Okay, here we go then..." Aurian started with a file dubbed 'G1 TF classic' and brought up several images for Optimus to see, shortly describing each one as she went. "These are all from the original cartoon." She stated as she continued to name each character the images represented. "Look! Here's you even!" She brought up several images that Optimus found amusingly similar to himself. After several minutes of browsing through these images she moved on to a file labeled 'G1 TF fanart'. "These are pictures that people drew, painted, colored, created with some form of digital art program or recreated somehow." She explained.

Optimus was taken aback by some of the images, how _alive_ they seemed to be. "You are sure that the people who created these images have never before seen a Cybertronian?" He asked skeptically.

"Not unless they found themselves in a situation like I have, no." Aurian paused in her ministrations, "I guess if it's happened to me then it could have happened to someone else. But then they would have had to find a way to get back to the way it was before..._can_ I go back? I mean, I really don't know what happened for things to end up this way. There was no Earthquake to suck me down or any huge explosion throwing me into an alternate universe as far as I'm aware of. I just...woke up. Hmm..." She shook her head, "No, if these people had _this_ happen to them either they wouldn't have _wanted_ to go back or they wouldn't have ended up such big fans. And I'm sure they would have said something." She continued through the pictures, pausing momentarily to admire one depicting an altered form of what Optimus knew had to be Bumblebee. "It's Bee as a sparkling! How cute."

"Sparkling?" Optimus was thrown.

"Yeah, I already went through that with Ratchet. Yes, I know the term 'sparkling', it's used often as the term for infant Cybertronians and I also know the term 'youngling' used for Cybertronians that are no longer sparklings but are not yet adults. He never told me if they were right or not."

Optimus studied the woman as she continued on through the documents she had. "The terms are correct." He finally stated.

"Really?" Aurian turned to Optimus with a look of pure wonderment. "That's so awesome. To think, all those fans out there writing about them were right. I wonder how that happened. Is it _because_ so many people believed it or is it just a coincidence?"

Aurian had unwittingly stopped on a picture that Optimus found rather intriguing, "Who is that?" He asked indicating the image.

"Oh," Aurian glanced at it a second, "thats Rodimus Prime. He became Prime after...um..." Aurian didn't know how to go any further then what she had already said. Obviously what she knew of this new character hadn't come to pass and she really didn't know if she wanted to know if it would. "Is there an Autobot named 'Hot Rod'?" She asked hesitantly.

Optimus thought for a moment, "There is an Autobot who's designation could be translated into the human English phrase as 'Hot Rod', yes."

"Oh." She turned her attentions back to her laptop almost mournfully. "What is the Matrix like?" She asked quietly.

All of Optimus's systems froze at the simple question. It was something that would be expected to be heard from a youngling as all question deactivation at some point and have to come to terms with what it really means but from a human it was horribly out of place. "You know of the Matrix?"

"Yeah." Aurian gave him a suffering look, something that said she almost wished she didn't. "I know about it but what is it like?"

Optimus wondered at her tone, it was full of sorrow and curiosity all at the same time. "It is a place of peace, where all are one and there is no sorrow, pain or suffering."

"Do you forget who you were? Who your friends were?"

"It is said that your knowledge becomes a part of the whole and the whole becomes part of you. It is not so much forgetting as it is remembering everything anyone has ever known. What makes you ask of such a thing?"

"I don't know...I guess death." She quickly moved past the picture of Rodimus Prime on her laptop and continued to explain the variations of different characters that were left. Optimus was concerned over the quick change in subject, did she know of something that was to happen to Hot Rod? His attention was effectively diverted however when she moved on to the next file deemed 'Movie 2007 TF' and he began to see pictures of everything that had transpired since their arrival on Earth. "I even have some of the tailors on here..." Aurian laughed somewhat evilly as she brought up a short movie clip that advertised the emanate release of the Transformers movie in 2007. "I told you there was a movie." She explained seeming satisfied by Optimus's stunned silence.

~**********~**********~**********~**********~**********~**********~**********~*

_Journal entry _continued_; I told you so_

_Okay, I've heard all the cautions, warnings and pleas against media pirating but right now the only thing I can say is; 'I'm a pirate and I think it just saved my ass'._

_~Aurian Fae_

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay; I call this a slow chapter. I thought it was pretty boring while I was writing it but deemed it nessecary.

For any who want to question any part of this story....quite simply I've read so many fanfictions that I've just congomorated the ideas into something and that's what I'm running with. For the time I'm staying away from any spacific ideas. However!! Any questions are still welcome, I will answer everything I can without giving away my story. Any tips/ideas/pointer are also welcomed. I'm open and willing to consider pretty much anything at this point.

I hope you've enjoyed this chapter!!!

Thanx again FORD B. and all my readers!!

Reviews are much appreciated if you've got a moment!


	10. Journal Entry 10

Allrighty then! Before I get started I wanted to alert you all that by request and much advice I'm lowering the rating on this fic. I don't know how that affects anything, but I figured I'd give you a heads up just in case that messes with the fav's/watches or those of you who come search it out. I will only be dropping it one rating level at this point because I still use a bit of bad language and there is the extreme possibility of some violence...(I know that makes me sound like a pansy eh? But trust me on this one.)

Hopefully you're all okay with this and everything goes off without a hitch!

It will be a few more days before the next chapter so don't freak if you don't see anything for a bit. Got some new plot devises to work out...heheheh...

* * *

_Journal entry; rain_

_I love rain. It's so simple, so basic. My love of this wonder of nature had been what allowed me to spot Sideswipe's decent and subsequently to alert the others to his dangerous state. It is also what gave me refuge from all the people that wanted to yell at me. That's why, when the rain came, I was outside._

_The shadow in the distance...now, that was something all together different._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The rain practically blinded Aurian as she looked out over the base. Everyone else was inside, having the intelligence to get in out of the rain that she so obviously lacked. She was sure she had seen something moving, but what? It was tempting to go explore, but there was no way for her to get off the base. They had quickly fixed the gate her previous actions had destroyed and there was no inviting opening this time so she was left to stand at the fence and watch.

"Aurian!" A familiar voice shouted from somewhere behind her but she was too interested in the thing on the other side of the fence. She couldn't find it again but she was _sure _she had seen something moving. "Aurian!" Again the voice called, was that Will? Part of her mind wondered. Soon she realized that the rain had stopped falling on her even though it still poured all around. Aurian looked up to see that Will was standing beside her holding up an umbrella. "What are you doing out here? It's pouring."

"Oh? I hadn't noticed." She stated sarcastically, running one hand through her soaked hair. "Did you see anything out there?" She asked as she turned back to where she thought the thing had to of been.

"No. What did you see?" Will sounded concerned as he too turned to look out over the desert. "Was it a coyote?"

Aurian pondered, she had only glimpsed the thing for a moment but it had been a good deal larger then a coyote. "No, I don't know what it was. I can't seem to find it but I know I saw something."

Will stared out at the open desert, the only thing he could see were the rise and fall of the nearby plateaus and the various scrub plants that struggled to thrive out there. "Probably just saw a cloud shadow or something. You should really go inside, your soaked."

"I'm fine." Aurian couldn't tear her gaze away from the drenched desert. There was something out there.

"You're going to get sick."

"Then maybe I'll learn my lesson. I'm serious Will, there's something out there!" She didn't know why she felt so adamant about finding the thing but something inside her just demanded that it was of great concern and she needed to see it again.

"Even if there was, there's no way it can get in here, so why are you so worried?" Will grabbed her arm intending to pull her into the warmth of one of the nearby buildings if need be.

"I'm not worried that it'll get in." She thought to herself, why _was_ she so concerned? "I guess I just want to know what it is. Sure didn't look like something that belonged out there."

"What _did_ it look like?" Will turned his attentions back toward the desert, though he really wasn't looking.

"I don't know. I would almost say it was a large car without it's lights on, but there's no roads out there."

"A car?"

"Yeah."

"You saw a car out there?"

"Maybe."

"Aurian, you never cease to amaze me." Will huffed. "You've been on this base for almost a week and you find seeing a car out in the middle of no where where there are no roads, out of place?"

Aurian looked at Will, slightly offended and really confused, "What do you mean?"

"It's probably one of the guys out there on patrol. They do rounds every hour or so."

"Oh." She thought it over and her mind agreed that yes, it was very likely one of the Autobots simply on patrol. Ironhide most likely by the darkness of the shape. "Guess I didn't think about it."

"Lets go inside." Will tugged on her arm, "You need to get into something dry or you really will get sick."

"Fine." She did have to admit that she was slightly chilled by the cool water that had soaked through all of her clothing. "But if it's not one of them, I get to tell you 'I told you so'."

"Sure." Will laughed a little and despite the fact that he was sure it was nothing he couldn't help but look back over his shoulder once as they retreated to the shelter of the warmed building.

Once inside the building one of the younger recruits ran over to Will, saluted quickly and reported that he and Aurian were requested for a meeting in the Autobot conference room by request of Optimus Prime.

"What is it about?" Will asked, glancing at Aurian wondering what the woman had done now. Aurian, for her part, looked completely innocent and held her hands up to indicate she had no clue.

"I don't know Sir, he said it was of great concern and that he needed all the top ranking officers as soon as they were available."

"Then why does he want me?" Aurian felt a heavy lump in her stomach, there were only a few things she could think of that would require top ranking officers and herself in the same room as Optimus Prime and anything of 'great concern'.

"I'm sorry Ma'am, he didn't say." The recruit looked at Aurian with some contempt, obviously not pleased that she was requested to a private meeting that he had not been. "He just said that you were to be there."

Will looked between the Corporal that stood before them and the woman beside him. Aurian looked annoyed with the Corporal's obvious disdain for her yet somehow managed to look worried at the same time. He couldn't bring himself to believe that whatever was going on was not because of her and the look on his face stated as much.

Aurian couldn't help herself when she looked at the disbelieving Major still clutching her arm, "I didn't do anything." She promised.

"Thank you for delivering the message Corporal, you're dismissed." With another salute the young man was gone, though not before sparing Aurian one more distrustful glare. "Are you sure?" Will asked her skeptically.

"I swear!" She thought desperately over the past several hours trying to figure out if there had been anything. "The last Autobot I spoke with was Optimus and he wasn't mad at me when we parted ways. I don't think I said anything during our meeting that would make him want to...talk...to...oh." Aurian could clearly hear herself in her own head, 'But shouldn't you tell the others about the shard...'

"What? What did you do now?"

"I didn't do anything." This time her voice was more definite, confinement. "Well, nothing new anyway. Remember when Ironhide was so mad before?"

"Yeah, I had to report that tank as lost...I won't forget that anytime soon."

Aurian winced and snickered at the reminder of the missing tank, "Oh, yeah, um, well I think this might have something to do with that." Her merriment died at the glare she was receiving from her only companion at this time. With a heavy sigh she lifted her hand indicating he should lead the way, "I guess we should go then."

Will led the way through, what to Aurian seemed to be an intricate maze of hallways and overpasses until they reached a rather large room that had several people milling about in it discussing something or other waiting for the meeting to get underway. Aurian did a very quick count of all the Autobots that were already in the room. "Um, Will?"

"What?" He grumbled as he pushed past several people giving Aurian cool glares.

"How fast can an Autobot get from out in the desert to here?"

"I don't know, fifteen to twenty minutes I guess."

"So, a lot longer then it took us to get here?"

"Probably, why?" Will looked up to see what the woman was talking about and soon realized all the known Autobots were present and accounted for...including Sideswipe. "When did he get here?" Will wondered aloud.

"I don't know." Aurian still sounded concerned, "But if they're all in here, what was out there?"

Will shrugged. He wasn't all that concerned about it because he hadn't seen anything. As far as he knew Aurian was simply seeing things due to a mix of chill weather and stress. "I'm sure it wasn't anything."

Aurian gave Will a sideways glare but decided not to push it any further. He was about to get a big enough shock as it was, having him worrying about some shadow she had seen in the desert probably wasn't a good idea. He led her to a seat near the front of the room where she would be safely, or was it securely?, seated between himself and Rob with the Autobots seated across the way looking back at them.

It was somewhat amusing to Aurian to be up on an opera-house style balcony looking down at four rather unimpressed alien robots. Ironhide was leaning over to Bumblebee discussing something firmly and the younger bot was nodding intermittently. Aurian was pretty sure he wasn't actually listening to what the older bot had to say. 'Ah, adolescent disinterest is the same across the cosmos apparently.' She mused to herself.

Sideswipe sat between Ironhide and Ratchet and did not look pleased by this arrangement one bit. Ratchet didn't seem interested in the others as he was looking to where Optimus was standing some distance away talking to one of the humans Aurian recognized as one of the higher ranking officers that had given her a pretty firm reaming after Sideswipe had disappeared.

Aurian wondered for a moment where Sam was and found her answer quickly enough. "Hey!" The boy called as he came to sit next to Will, "Good to see you again. You, uh, seem calmer now."

"Only on the outside," Aurian laughed, "inside I'm still a wiggly bowl of jelly. When'd you guys get here?"

"A few hours ago, just before the storm hit."

"Do you know when Sides got here?"

"Uh, no. I haven't even really gotten to meet him yet. He was with Optimus in his office right up until they came here."

"Oh, bet he got the lecture of a lifetime." Aurian grimaced at the thought. If Optimus's lectures were anywhere near what the fandom claimed them to be she sure did not envy the young mech. 'Maybe that's why he looks so pissed off.' She thought to herself, 'I'd probably be pretty put off too.'

"You know what this is about?" Rob's voice cut into her musings and Aurian realized that the men around her had been discussing the meeting that was about to occur. Will must have said something about what she had told him earlier. "Something about Ironhide?"

"No, not exactly." Aurian didn't know what she should tell them, she was after all only speculating that Optimus had decided to reveal the remaining shard to all that were present, though why he chose to do it with the humans here as well was beyond her. "I only think I know what it might be about."

"Well?" Will pushed.

"It's not my place to tell you what this is about!" Aurian snapped, "If it was, Optimus wouldn't have called a meeting, would he?" 'Besides,' she thought grumpily, 'every time I open my mouth I end up on the burning end of the match."

"What's with the hostilities?" Rob asked a bit archly.

"Sorry." Aurian didn't really want to offend the men that were at least cordial to her but it was really starting to get to her how everyone expected her to know everything and on top of that how most of the people here resented her for it. "I'm just tired."

"And wet." Sam pointed out. "Why are you sopping?"

"She didn't have sense to come in out of the rain." Will explained.

"Oh, ha ha." Aurian glared at the man. "I happen to like rain, okay? Besides, no one was willing to chase me out there to interrogate me so I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"Still havin' a rough time, huh?" Sam was a good kid, Aurian decided. Granted she had only met him a few times, once before she came face to face with her hearts greatest idols and once while she was cowering beneath an oversized desk trying to save her hide from an overly distrustful weapons specialist.

Aurian just sighed for explanation. She felt tired and wasn't ready to face this meeting. If it was what she thought it was going to be then no doubt that she would once again become the center of everyones attention and have to explain herself. 'I should get a bird.' She thought, 'One that I can teach to say 'I saw it in a movie' over and over again. Then they can all yell at it and I can go hide.' She leaned her head into her hands with her elbows resting on her knees, "That wouldn't be fair." She groaned.

"What wouldn't be fair?" Rob asked, his conversation with Will having been interrupted.

"It wouldn't be fair to the bird." Aurian explained as though they had been privy to her silent conversation.

Before anyone could question her again Optimus came to stand before the gathered people and everything grew eerily silent.

"Thank you all for coming here on such short notice. I understand that you are confused as to the nature of this meeting and I assure you all that it will be worth your time." Optimus looked over the gathered people before his gaze fixed on Aurian. She closed her eyes and groaned as every other set of eyes or optics followed his and she was the center of everyone's attention. "I have been advised that certain facts that have not been brought to light are in need of disclosure." His attention again drifted over the crowd then over to the Autobots where it lingered for a moment longer then a simple glance. Aurian thought she could feel his uncertainty right then and there. The only one of the four gathered that knew what he was about to tell them was Ironhide and he only knew because Aurian had told him.

"This isn't going to go well." Aurian moaned softly.

"Why?" Will was quick to ask.

Aurian pointed to where Ironhide sat glaring at Optimus, displeasure radiating from his entire being. "That's why."

"What's he so worked up about?" Rob had followed Aurian's finger and wondered at the mech's seeming disapproval.

"You're about to find out." Aurian explained as she slowly lifted her hands to her ears and slumped down in her chair, preparing for the inevitable.

"After the battle in Mission City the Allspark was thought destroyed...that is not entirely true." The entire room burst to life with shouts from both humans and Autobots alike. They were all demanding answers. All but Ironhide who only sat glaring, however his glare had shifted from their leader to the one human in on the catwalk that wasn't standing and screaming.

Sideswipe wasn't shouting so much as he was cheering, obviously not understanding that 'not entirely true' meant that it was at least partially true. Bumblebee was looking from Optimus to Sam and back again while Sam himself was practically falling over the railing screaming that it had been destroyed, that he had seen it, that he had _done _it with his own hands. Ratchet was loudly demanding why Optimus had not told him, why they had not made plans to return to Cybertron and restore the planet as was their original plan. All of the humans were in a complete uproar, that is except for Major William Lennox and Chief Master Sergent Robert Epps. After their initial shouts of surprise they had turned to look at the withering woman between them with complete shock.

"You _knew_?" Will was demanding.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Rob asked.

"You told _Ironhide_?"

"Is that why he went crazy?"

"What were you _thinking_?"

"I can't believe you didn't tell us!"

Aurian crept ever lower in her chair as the two men bombarded her with their questions. She wanted to explain herself but they didn't seem willing to give her a moment to breath let alone to answer their questions.

"Enough!" Optimus's voice rose over the din loud and clear and brought the eerie silence back so suddenly Aurian thought for a second she had gone deaf. "Now I understand that this is shocking to all of you and that there are many questions that you all have. I will answer them to the best of my ability but please allow me to finish explaining before we jump ahead."

The large mech heaved a great sigh and Aurian sympathized deeply with him. She knew that he sat in a very precarious place right now with humans wondering if he had intentionally deceived them for some foul reason that they were yet unaware of and the Autobots feeling betrayed that he had not immediately returned to their home world to try and revive their planet. "The first thing that you _all_ must realize," he turned his gaze to the Autobots as he spoke these first words making sure that they were all paying close attention, "what is left of the Allspark is nothing more then a shard and it is almost completely without power."

There arose a strange array of sounds from the four Autobots ranging from sounds of disbelief to outright defeat. "The piece does not even have enough energy to repair it's self and there is no hope of it being able to bring life back to our home planet of Cybertron." The Autobots were now silent and Aurian grieved for them. She had known that it would be painful for them to hear but she had not been counting on being able to read their expressions so clearly.

"It was brought to my attention however that the potential of the Allspark may not yet be lost to us." There was meager hope in the way the Autobots stirred at this announcement. They all knew that whatever he spoke of was not the revival of their planet and that is what they most dearly had desired. "The human government group that had been known as Sector Seven," this caused an uproar from both species present and Optimus was forced to wait while they got themselves back under control, "Sector Seven had researched the Allspark's energies and had devised a way to divert the energy to a form of life within inanimate Earth machines."

"What is your point, Optimus?" Sideswipe spoke up. He received disapproving glares from both Ratchet and Ironhide but did not look one bit repentant for his words.

"The point is that though the Allspark may not be able to revive our planet, the study of its energy may provide us with answers as to how we might continue to survive without it." Optimus studied each of his subordinates as he said this. Aurian suspected that he was more concerned with Ratchet, hoping the mech would come to the same conclusion Aurian had suggested earlier that day without him having to state it. Much to Optimus's relief the medical officer's face took on a contemplative demeanor before he half grinned and gave the larger mech a slight nod. He had gotten the message and he was ready to give it a try.

"What I am requesting of the humans is that we may have access to Sector Seven's information concerning this matter."

"If we were to do that," a man Aurian could only assume must be the one who would make the final decision in this matter stood to ask, "you would share whatever you discover?"

"All pertinent information would be disclosed." Optimus agreed, albeit cryptically. Aurian found herself smiling, Optimus may not agree with half truths but he was certainly a pro at doling them out.

"And what are your intentions? What will you do with this information?" Another high ranking officer asked.

"We simply wish to find a way to sustain our race, nothing more."

Aurian stifled a laugh, knowing that an outburst from her right this moment would be disastrous. 'Nothing more then resurrection.' She laughed to herself. Suddenly politics had become amusing.

"We would require that the shard be secured in a specially designed facility." The first officer demanded.

"I would expect nothing less." Optimus agreed. "As long as we have access to it whenever needed."

The two men conferred with each other for a moment before the first one nodded, "Agreed."

"We will need time to deliberate, to finalize the details." The second stated simply.

"Of course."

"You will turn the shard over to us?" The first one asked and there were sounds of protest from the Autobots before Optimus silenced them with a raised hand.

"As soon as everything is settled and a secure facility has been constructed I will personally ensure that the shard is placed safely within."

There were a few more minutes of quiet discussion between the highest ranking officers gathered before the first man spoke again. "I think we can work something out." He nodded.

"Very well." Optimus was pleased with this out come but his pleasure was short lived as he prepared to move this meeting on. "Now, I will answer your questions."

"Why didn't you _tell_ us?" Ironhide demanded before anyone else could even think to speak.

With another heavy sigh Optimus turned toward his fellow Autobots, a look of honest apology on his face. "I feared that in the face of everything that had occurred that the shard may cause false hope. It seems that thinking the Allspark completely destroyed was difficult enough to accept but to know that there was a single piece of it left that would never be able to restore our world? I felt that may have been too much. I was shown, however," he glanced back at Aurian who was still slumped miserably in her chair, "how my thoughts may have been misguided."

"But I _saw_ it destroyed!" Sam proclaimed from his still precarious place near the rail. "I pushed the damn thing in myself!"

"Indeed you did Sam." Optimus turned to face the boy, stepping close enough that he was forced to move away from the rail in order to maintain eye contact. "A small part of it managed to have avoided destruction when Megatron's spark failed." Sorrow consumed the large bot for a brief moment, "I recovered the piece from Megatron's sparkchamber myself." A few whispers came from the Autobots, sounds of amazement and of pity.

There was an awkward silence for a while, no one daring to speak until Optimus said something else. "Are there no further questions?" There were faint murmurs throughout the room but no one raised their voice to say anything more. "Very well then. I would like to call this meeting to a close, unless anyone else has something they would like to say?" With this Optimus turned to look at Aurian once more.

"No way!" She protested, "Every time _I_ say something _I_ get in trouble." She grumbled miserably to herself, "Like I need more death threats, thank you very much."

"Then this meeting is adjourned. Thank you all for your time."

~***********~***********~***********~***********~***********~***********~******

_Journal Entry _continued_; rocket science_

_I found myself spending many hours with Ratchet after that meeting. He wanted to know in intricate detail how fanfictions had brought Jazz back to life. I never really stopped to think about it before but there are a lot of different ideas out there, or were, however you want to think about it. In truth most of them were completely beyond achievement but still, they did help with the brainstorming._

_Several days later I had finally been banished from the med bay at large due to the possible danger involved as Ratchet delved into his experiments. I remember proclaiming that he was acting like some strange freaky mix between Dr. Frankenstein and WheelJack. Of course the mention of the other Autobot ended up with a whole new slew of questions...just can't win._

_To tell you the truth, after having discussed Cybertronian biology with Ratchet for days on end...I really didn't see how it was possible at all but Ratchet wasn't about to give up, not until he had tried everything._

_I do want to take a moment here to mention however, that there is nothing more disturbing, to a fangirl at least, then standing over the corpse of one of your favorite characters knowing that you knew intricate details of his life and he knew nothing of you and knowing full well that more then likely he never would. It was morbid and oh so very heartbreaking. Almost like I lost a good friend. It sucked._

_~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_Again thank you to my Beta FORD B. you are fantastic.

Also a quick thank you to Litahatchee. You should all go read her fic Night Fire. Trust me. You **WANT** to, it's fantastic.

And of course thank you to all my readers! Thank you to everyone who has given me pointers, I really appreciate them and to anyone who has given ideas for plot devises, thank you too. I am considering all of them, though don't be upset if I don't use them...there's only so much you can do with one fic. LOL!

Good afternoon all~ I'm off to bed.

~Faecat---sleeps during the day.


	11. Journal Entry 11

Heheh, I enjoyed this part far to much.

Again thank you to FORD B. my beta, and to all of my readers.

Also thank you to Litahatchee! *reasons to follow at a later date* Go read her fic Night Fire, it's a wonderful read and you'll like it. Trust me. ^_~

* * *

_Journal entry; what things may come_

_Okay, I never claimed to be the most intelligent person on the face of the planet. As a matter of fact I have my moments of sheer dumb, as I have clearly demonstrated a time or three since my arrival at this military base ~which by the way I _still_ don't know the name of~. However, there is a place and a time for intelligent decisions, no matter how foolish they seem at the moment given to them._

_That shadow in the desert bothered me greatly, even though I hadn't seen it since that day and no one else seemed to have noticed anything out of the ordinary, it just would _not_ leave my mind. Something about it kept bugging me saying I should _know_ what it was. No one was willing to look into it for me either, so when my chance came...I took it._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The back of the truck was stifling but at this point Aurian refused to let it bother her. She had committed to this action when she had snuck into the cargo hold of the truck in the first place, she wasn't about to let some discomfort ruin it. Honestly she wondered why they didn't check trucks going _out_ of the base like they checked the trucks going in but there was that whole 'gift horse' saying. She had ridden in the back of the vehicle for a good fifteen minutes before she dared creep over the ledge of the gate, ducking under the canvas tarp that covered the large vehicle. The ground beneath was moving a lot faster then she had anticipated...'Oh well!' She thought dramatically, 'Tuck and roll!' And with that thought she threw herself from the back of the truck hoping that the driver didn't pick that particular moment to look in his mirror.

Impact was something she could never even hope to explain, only that it knocked the wind from her and she saw bright shiny stars that sparkled before her eyes for she didn't know how long. In all reality that's the only thing of her leap of faith that she could remember. Once everything stopped spinning she found herself in a small run-off ditch beside the road with burning hands and knees and just about everything else the road had left its mark on. "Ow." Was her only comment to the whole situation.

Aurian dared peek up to see if the truck had stopped or looked to be turning around only to find that it was no where to be seen. Even the dust clouds it kicked up had settled. "Damn, must've knocked myself out." She muttered as she felt her body for anything worse than scrapes and cuts. Aside from the new tears in her jeans exposing her bloodied knees and some horrible road rash on her elbows and palms of her hands, she felt she came away rather unharmed all things considering.

Regaining her feet was an adventure in its self, apparently her legs protested usage after the abuse she had submitted them to but a few minutes of coaxing the wobbly limbs and she was standing, surveying the land around her. Her next challenge was to locate the area she had seen the shadow in all those days ago. The base was nowhere to be seen, which was expected after driving out for so long, she hadn't wanted to chance anyone seeing her bail out of the back of the truck and coming after her before she could explore this new curiosity.

About an hour later found her coming over a rise that reveled to her what she was looking for, the plateaus that she had been able to see from the base. 'Good thing it's almost sundown,' she thought gratefully as she wiped sweat from her face, 'at least it'll cool down.'

The terrain here was easily negotiated and Aurian found herself more taken by all the strange wildlife around her then where she was going. She had nearly stepped on a rattlesnake that had been dozing beneath a scrub bush, though the snake seemed unfazed by her presence. "Oh you could at least _act_ like I'm a threat." She grumbled to the idle lizard.

"A threat?" A deep amused voice rumbled behind her and Aurian suddenly remembered why she had ventured out into the desert and simultaneously regretted that she chose to do so alone. "You are hardly an insect worth crushing." The voice cooed softly.

"Oh, crap." Was all she could really think to say as she slowly turned to face whatever danger loomed over her and found that she was not surprised at all to see the giant robot towering over her, his dark armor gleaming in the fading light. "Hi Barricade."

Movement so fast she could hardly perceive what had occurred had her laying flat on her back with a heavy hand pressing her into the earth beneath her. "How do you know my name Earthling?"

Aurian tried to respond however the mech's weight on her chest continued to crush the air from her lungs not allowing for any vocal sound whatsoever. She struggled but found the hand completely beyond her ability to budge so she did the only thing her desperate mind could think to do and she started working her hand under the heavy metal searching for something _anything_ that might make him release her. Her fingers brushed against something she thought felt like cable and she latched onto it, yanking with all her dwindling strength. Aurian was completely taken aback when the mech shrieked with pain and pulled away.

"Lowly pest!" He shouted as he reached for her again, though Aurian knew this time he would not hesitate to crush her frail form. She scrambled to her feet and ran, trying to think of a plan as she dodged the large mech's hand once more. "I will destroy you!" He shouted, her only warning that greater measures were about to be implemented. Instinct told her to dive to the side and to roll as far as her momentum would carry her and she was not for a second curious as to why once the ground she had been standing on exploded in fire.

"Think, Aurian _think_!" She regained her feet and took a second to consider her surroundings. She was between two of the plateaus which did little to aid her and much to trap her. The only cover offered her were the scraggly scrub bushes but she knew that to the large Cybertronian chasing after her they were nothing more then kindling and could not hide her from his superior senses. It was very clear to her she had only one option. With every bit of bravo she could muster Aurian turned on the angered mech and ran directly for him.

Barricade was stunned for only a moment by her actions, not long enough for the strange Earthling female to reach him but long enough for her to get too close for him to fire his weapon without risking damaging himself. He swung out his leg and was satisfied by the feeling of the human's inferior flesh against his foot giving beneath the force of impact, however he was alarmed to find that the creature did not fly away from him as he had expected but instead clung to his plating and used it to scramble up his leg. "Vile creature get _off_ me!" He shook his leg hoping to dislodge the human and was incredibly displeased to find her endurance upholding.

'Find something, find something!' Aurian chanted in her head, tactics finally taking over and keeping her mouth from running. As she reached the knee joint she found something that looked promising. Where the joint had to bend at the back there was a lack of heavy plating and she could easily pick out the varying cables that ran within. "Try and squish me, will you?" She laughed evilly to herself as she grabbed at the smaller cables and tore at them with all the viscousness she knew.

Now would be the time to mention that Aurian was normally a rather passive person. She did not seek out violence nor did she remain in violent situations if she could at all avoid them, however she did have a temper and once peaked she tended to lash out as any red blooded female would once she had reached her limit. It just so happened that she had some things to fall back on in such situations, such as her fencing and many bouts of friendly grappling between some of her sparring partners. Never once had she truly imagined she would be using such habits to attack a giant mechanical alien. Bare handed. To say she was not enjoying it...well, Aurian did have a small streak of evil within her.

Barricade could not stifle the scream of pain that belted from him as the small being ripped out some of his more sensitive wiring. "What are you doing?" He shouted as he tried to grab the annoying creature off of him.

"Not dying!" She shouted back as she latched onto the hand that came for her, likewise seeking out the joints and yanking at any exposed cable she could find. "You think you can just squish whomever you want? Think again you fraggin, glitch-chipped processor, scrap piece of slag!" Aurian had reached Barricade's elbow joint by the end of her rather creative slew of insults and was manically tearing at anything she could get her hands on.

Growling nearly constantly from the pain shooting through his systems Barricade swung his arm out wildly and much to his relief his attacker was finally dislodged. Her body hit the ground and rolled several feet tearing some of her soft coverings revealing something that both confused and infuriated Barricade. "Have the Autobots started marking their humans?" He questioned of the red mark on the woman's leg as he approached the still form. "All the more reason to destroy you!" Grim satisfaction filled him as he brought his foot down over the still form, only to be surprised when she was not there!

Aurian rolled head over heals to escape the descending foot. Her body was protesting the sudden movement but she knew now was not the time to dwell on pain. She immediately got to her feet and turned on the bot attacking her once again ascending his form this time reaching deeper and pulling clusters of wiring loose as she went. Her mind became incredibly focused on her survival tactic and she was becoming rather adept at avoiding the mech's hands, which alternated from trying to grab her to simply trying to slap her to make her stop doing whatever she was doing.

So intent on her actions Aurian failed to notice three things; the explosions around her, the bright fluids that covered nearly every inch of her and the fact that Barricade was becoming unstable on his feet.

Barricade, for his part, was rather aware at how desperate his situation was suddenly becoming. Not only was this amazingly viscous Earth creature causing severe damage to him but the approaching mech with blazing weapons did not speak any kindness to his likely survival of this situation. He did return fire, though ineffective as his optics were having trouble remaining focused enough to take proper aim, so more or less he simply shot out and hoped he hit something.

There was a rather circuit shuttering trill of laughter from the human that clung to him just before he felt more wires being yanked from their homes, this time near his spinal column and he found that his cooling vents ceased to function. "Stop it!" He growled. To be deactivated at the hands of a _human_? That was a disgrace reserved for his former leader alone and Barricade did not wish to follow him.

"Deactivate your weapons and stand down!" Aurian thought that was a strange thing for the Decepticon to say, but was not about to let her confusion deter her from her actions. She had to take the mech down, at least enough for her to be able to escape.

"Human!" Barricade snarled, half as a warning to the Autobot now standing before him with cannons aimed strait for his sparkchamber and half as a demand to the being that was still attacking his systems. He stumbled to his knees as his energon levels fell to uncomfortable levels.

Ironhide was taken aback by the simple statement as the Decepticon before him fell to the ground. The only human here was Major William Lennox whom he'd left several yards back before engaging the enemy. "Do not attempt to deceive me 'Con." He growled, though he could not stop the reflexive scan that searched for any other form of life...and received a positive return.

"Get it off of me." Barricade did not beg. He did not plead. He simply demanded in a less then harsh tone that the Autobot remove the human from him before she did any further damage.

Aurian did not perceive the sudden lack in attempt to dislodge her person from her rather firm perch between the door wings on the Decepticon's back. As a matter of fact she failed to realize the logic of the new hands that were suddenly reaching for her and how, not only were they much larger then the hands of her current victim but that they were coming at her from a rather odd angle to be his. It wasn't until she turned on the hand and tore at the wirings there that she realized there were other voices to be heard.

"Fraggin' insane female!" Roared Ironhide as he pulled his hand away from the obviously crazed woman.

"What?" Will tried to get a better look at what Ironhide had been reaching for on the downed Decepticon. "Who..?"

"Who do you think?" Ironhide snapped as he stepped aside so the other human could see the woman sitting atop the injured mech.

"Aurian!" Will ran to the seemingly dazed woman and was relieved when she turned to regard him, something between shock and utter amusement on her face. "Are you alright? You're bleeding! What happened?"

Aurian laughed one of those disturbing laughs that made Will think of all too many a soldier who had lost it during the trials of war. "I told you so."

Will didn't know weather to be amused by the childish taunt, angered by her bold actions that had nearly gotten herself killed, amazed that she had apparently held her own against the large mech or concerned over her injuries and the apparent shock she was succumbing to. "Can you stand?" Medical care always came first and shock had to be treated immediately.

Aurian slid from her perch only to find that she could not feel her limbs at all and that was funny. She melted to the ground absently thinking how the sand was still so warm compared to the cool of the now darkened evening. "I think my legs left." She stated rather boldly, "Did you see where they went?"

"Great." Will looked over to Ironhide who was examining the barely online Decepticon with great interest. "Can you get Ratchet out here? I don't think we should move her."

"Agreed." Ironhide had scanned the woman and found her state to be rather alarming despite the fact that she still seemed semi functional. "I think he should look over him as well. If we want to get any information from him he will have to be repaired."

Aurian allowed her body to slump back against the Decepticon she had been so desperately attacking, unconcerned by his presence any further. "You guys need to just get cell phones." She grumbled as the high pitched noises of rapid communication between the bots consumed what little was left of her conscious mind.

Will looked from the woman to the felled Decepticon trying hard to not show his discomfort. "You did all that?" He asked of her. The 'Con was leaking vital fluids from several small junctions in his armor and sparks caused spasms in his frame as electrical charges failed to reach their destinations. Even the sound of the mech's engine was proclamation of the pain he was feeling.

"Tried to squish me." Aurian moaned, slamming a fist against the metal plating she leaned against.

"A mistake I will rectify soon!" Barricade growled trying to get his gears to function enough for him to at least roll onto the small organic creature using him as support. He failed miserably and painfully as gears that didn't receive their directives were ground by the gears that had and waves of electricity arched over his frame. He was only marginally pacified by the yelp he heard from the woman as one of the arcs reached her, though not enough to damage her it was enough to cause her discomfort and that was pleasing to him.

"Damn it 'Cade!" She snapped groggily, "Just lay there and be defeated."

"I am not defeated!" The Decepticon growled angrily. Even if he was down, leaking energon and fighting off stasis he was not ready to admit defeat.

Ironhide found this all to his amusement as he watched the woman make herself comfortable against the disabled bot much to Barricade's annoyance. "It would appear to me 'Con, that the human female has indeed defeated you. You would be wise to submit."

"Hardly! Especially not to an Autobot pet." Again he tried to move, if he could just transform he could get himself away from here...but then what? He was damaged and there was hardly another Decepticon on this planet that could repair him. The waive that surged though him this time was nearly enough to override his efforts to remain online and his frame shuttered.

Will was more interested in the fact that Aurian seemed at ease leaning against the mech that had just tried to kill her and was still threatening to do so. "Aurian?" He knelt in front of her trying to get her to focus on him, "How bad are you hurt?" All he got in response was a grunt and the glazed look in her eyes made it very clear that she was falling deeper into shock. "Aurian I need you to talk to me. Stay with me, okay?"

"Is she damaged?" Ironhide asked with some concern. Granted this woman may be questionable as far as he was concerned but anyone who took down a Decepticon was at least decent by him.

"She's going into shock." Will felt along her arms and legs carefully, searching for any breaks, "How far out is Ratchet?"

"Not far. Will she survive?"

"Probably." He was surprised when the woman slumped over. "Maybe." He amended catching her slowly falling form and laying her down. "I don't know how much trauma she's sustained. Is this stuff poisonous?"

"I don't know if energon is hazardous to your kind or not. That's Ratchet's department."

"I hope he's got enough information on us. She looks pretty bad."

"The Decepticon looks no better, I assure you."

The two were left to look over the damage this little scuffle had wrought as the sounds of emergency sirens echoed in the distance.

~************~************~************~************~************~************~


	12. Journal Entry 12

*dumbfounded* ~seriously~

Wow, I can hardly believe the popularity of this fic and all I can say is...THANK YOU! Thank you ALL! I'm really inspired by every review, every fav, every visit! I'm so impressed. I can only hope this fic continues to hold your interest!

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; new awakening_

_So, last thing I remembered was tearing hand fulls of wires from something. Really can't say I remember what, just that I was pulling them and that it was important._

_When I woke up in the med bay once again I can't say that I was relieved. Last time I was here wasn't so wonderful and this time I hurt. A _**lot**_. Honestly I could hardly move from all the aches, bruises and scrapes. I could only hope that nothing was broken because I really couldn't tell at this point but it kinda felt like it._

_What did I do? And why do I feel like I'm going to pay for it?_

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian groaned loudly and instantly regretted it as spikes of pain radiated out from her chest. Looking around revealed nothing more then it had the last time she had been in this situation aside from the barely noticed fact that she was not restrained...and music. Someone had brought in a small radio and had left it on an alternative station turned down low. It was very comforting. Especially over the sound of the monitors that practically surrounded her.

"What is all this?" She grumbled softly trying to ignore the pain. There was a heart monitor, she recognized that, and the IV unit with it's little dosage device hooked up to it but there were two other machines she had no clue what they were or what they were for. One that had several bright colors all over the screen that, while pretty to look at, made _no_ sense to her at all and the other one didn't have a screen at all but continually emitted a soft tone.

A faint tapping at the door alerted her to someones presence and she turned to look, that hurt too. "Aurian?" A soft female voice called, she feared it was the same nurse as before and dreaded being under her care once more only this time much less able to defend herself. "Are you awake?" Aurian was relieved to see that this was a different woman, slightly heavier, slightly taller and with a bright smile on her face.

"No." Aurian groaned.

The woman laughed and it was a nice sound. She was someone who liked her job and liked people. "Good to see you have your sense of humor still!" She came to stand beside Aurian's bed, glanced at the monitors and took her wrist in her hand to check her pulse. "You look better then you did when you came in here."

"I can only imagine what that must have looked like, cause I feel like Hell." Aurian spared her bare arms a once over. They were scraped and bruised...and burnt. "What happened?"

The woman looked shocked by this question and she looked at Aurian with sheer disbelief, "Don't you remember?"

"Not really."

"You got off the base..." The lady hesitated, "You remember that at least?"

Aurian thought, she had wanted to go looking for something. What had it been? At any rate she had snuck into the back of a truck. "Yeah, I remember that." She thought some more, what had happened? She hadn't stayed in the truck. That was the start of all these scrapes, she had jumped out.

"Do you remember what happened after that?" She was rubbing Aurian's hand and it reminded her of the way her mother use to rub her back after a bad dream. Why did she have the rising feeling of dread?

'Think...' That simple word brought back something...she had been yelling at herself, _'Think Aurian, think!'_ She had been trying to get away but had no way out so she had... "Oh. Barricade. Did I really attack Barricade?"

The nurse's face relaxed into something between approval and relief, "Yes, hun, you did. You ended up getting a pretty bad concussion and severe chemical burn. We were worried you wouldn't wake up."

"That's why I hurt so bad, huh?" She looked over her arms again at the odd spiderweb burns covering them and wondered where else it had gotten.

"Well, that and all the bruises and scrapes. Must have been some fight...I mean, not that I would expect anything less after taking on a giant robot." The woman patted Aurian's hand before letting it go. "I guess I should go get you something to eat, you're probably starving!"

"How long was I out?"

"About two days."

"Oh." Aurian felt a heaviness in her stomach. Two days? She'd never been unconscious for more then a few hours before and the notion of _days_ made her uncomfortable. "What happened?"

"Not too much. That medical bot has been trying to repair the one that attacked you. They're hoping it will have some information on others."

"Is he okay?" Why did she care? He had just tried to kill her! "I mean, is he online?"

"I guess so." The nurse shrugged. "I honestly don't have a lot to do with the robots, I'm here for the humans." Aurian got the feeling that she didn't really like the idea of the giant aliens but she didn't seem offended by them either. "I will be back in a few minutes with something to eat, okay?" She asked from the door as she was on her way out. "You want anything specific?"

"Something actually edible?" And the nurse thought she was kidding...

Aurian could see bits and pieces in her head but could not put together everything that had happened. She remembered climbing, she remembered falling at one point. "He is going to _destroy_ me." She lamented to herself. "Well like Hell I'm going to lay here and wait for him to come find me." Aurian threw her covers off and regretted the motion as her entire body erupted in burning pain. "Oh, that's where else..." She gritted through her teeth and turned her attentions to all the things attached to her instead. She knew how to turn off the heart monitor and the IV unit but the other two? Well, she was just going to have to hope they didn't have alarms on them.

A few minutes later had her standing on shaky legs but refusing to give into the ache that was her entire body. "It's not so bad." She told herself determinedly. Granted that each step brought waives of pain but they were growing less in intensity with each step so she was pretty okay with that. She was relieved to find that the door was not locked and she was free to go, she was not impressed however that she could not find a scrap of clothing to wear aside from the drafty gown she was in. "What did they do with my cloths?" She griped even as the image of rolling across the desert played clearly for her in her mind. "They could have at least brought something from my bag." Another waive of pain shot through her causing her to pause, "Of course, then they would have had to assume I was going to get up anytime soon."

On the other side of the door was a hall, simple and normal just as any hall should be so she followed it out and to the left. Why left? Why not. The last time she had been in this facility her room had opened up directly into the area where the Autobots could access so she knew that she wasn't expected to meet with them any time soon at least. She did count her blessings however when she saw a rack of freshly cleaned, or newly delivered, scrubs. She honestly didn't care which way it went as long as she could find a pair of pants. Pilfering a set of suitable military colored scrubs she ducked into another room, thankfully empty and set about the task of dressing herself, a whole new experience when your entire body felt like a crispy chicken skin.

Feeling more confident in her much less breezy outfit Aurian continued down the hallway. She wasn't sure where she was going, or even that she _should_ be going but she despised hospitals and felt completely helpless laying there. So on she went.

Stepping outside was pure bliss. The warmth of the sun actually eased the pain in her skin and the breeze helped ease the stress of her body. With a deep, thankful breath she set about finding something she knew, somewhere she could hide herself away and think.

"Aurian!" The voice caught her completely off guard and was entirely too loud. "It is good to see you up already." Ironhide came to stand in front of the woman. He had apparently seen her from halfway across the base and had come to be next to her in only a few short strides. "We were concerned that you might have been too badly damaged."

"Ha! Like some Decepticon is going to take me out!" She bolstered. That Decepticon nearly _had_ taken her out and very likely would once he got the opportunity.

Ironhide was amused by the bold statement and laughed, "A being after my own spark! I must say I was impressed by the damage you inflicted. For such a small being with no weapons you are fearsome."

"Yeah, it's called fight or flight. You should learn it, all humans do it."

"Hmm." The bot was now looking at her skeptically, "You do not appear to be well."

Aurian could hardly hold back her smart retort, he didn't need to know she was in pain. "I'm fine. Looks worse then it is."

"Still, perhaps Ratchet should..."

"NO!" She shivered involuntarily. "I don't want him scanning me. I don't like it."

"Hmm." Ironhide couldn't help but agree. He found the CMO's scans rather unpleasant himself. "Where are you going, I will take you there." He offered instead.

"Oh," Aurian looked around. She hadn't decided where she was going to go, just that she wanted to be away from everyone. "I really don't know. I just wanted to move around I guess. I don't like being idle."

The faint sounds of gears shifting took Aurian by surprise and she turned just in time to watch the large mech fold down into his Topkick alt mode. "Perhaps a drive is in order then?"

Giggling like a school girl Aurian approached the truck, further pleased by the self opening door. "If you don't mind..." she hesitated before climbing in.

"I wouldn't offer if I didn't want to." Was Ironhide's explanation. "Besides, I'm off shift and have nothing better to do."

Aurian took hold of the door and prepared to heave herself within. 'This is going to hurt...' she moaned to herself. "How is there an off shift when there's only five of you?" She asked honestly, not thinking of what those words could mean. She only marginally regretted it as the truck seemed to sigh deeply because it was enough of a distraction for the Autobot to not notice the whimper of pain as she finally got the nerve to lift herself into the cab. "I'm sorry. I didn't think about it."

"No, you haven't said anything wrong. We each have an off shift, orders of Ratchet and Optimus. They are concerned for our processor stability." The truck shut his door after the woman was fully inside and revved his engine before rolling across the pavement.

"So for sanities sake then."

"Something like that."

"I guess it makes sense. I mean it wouldn't be good to be stuck always working. Everyone needs some personal time." Aurian stumbled over her own words, "Am I taking up your personal time? Cause I don't want..."

"Aurian," Ironhide spoke in a soft, though gruff tone, "you worry too much."

"Ha!" She shouted, regretting it but still continuing, "this coming from _you_ of all mechs? The only other one that statement would be more inappropriate from is Red Alert!"

Ironhide was quiet for a moment before replying, "I don't know why I continue to be surprised by what comes out of you."

"Because you still don't believe me."

"I have little reason to doubt you any longer."

"Oh, is that all it takes? Nearly being squished by a Decepticon?" She crossed her arms angrily over her chest, it was all for show. "You could have just _told_ me and we could have avoided all the evil glares."

At this the large mech laughed, "Somehow I doubt you would have hunted out a Decepticon purposefully."

"Try me." Aurian snarled.

The two fell into silence for some time, Aurian trying to ignore the pain in her chest from her exertions and Ironhide content to just travel. Once they passed through a gate that Aurian had never before seen she found herself wondering and could not keep to herself any further. "Where are we going?"

"Does it matter?" Ironhide asked, though it did not sound like a challenge.

Aurian sighed, "No, I guess not. As long as I don't have to talk to anyone."

"Agreed."

"How's Sides holdin' up?" She wondered aloud.

"What do you mean?"

She shrugged, not entirely sure if the mech turned truck could even see her, "I guess I thought that without his twin nearby he'd be struggling a little. I mean I don't _know_ how all that works but it always seemed implied that twins didn't survive well when separated."  
Ironhide didn't answer for a while. He didn't truly know what to say. The woman had hit the proverbial nail on the head and he wasn't sure how to explain it. Then again, perhaps she already knew, she knew so much already. "He is feeling the absence." He finally answered.

"Poor guy. I can't even imagine what it must be like. I know what it's like to be separated from people you care about but to _feel_ it like that? Humans aren't built to be able to withstand that kind of suffering." She sighed and sank as deeply into the soft seat as she could, "I guess I'm thankful for that."

"From my observations I would have to say that humans are built to withstand a great deal more then they would appear." A soft rumble rolled through the cab and Aurian gathered that he was laughing quietly, "You for one are an outstanding example of that."

"Humph, don't say that." She hated compliments, of any kind. Though a tiny part of her was screaming with glee that the weapons specialist would think of her in such a way. "I'm not special, I'm spiteful. There's a difference."

"Hmm, my calculations would show that by comparison and by all logic, that 'Con should have won your battle with little effort."

"Shows what you know."

"I'm simply stating that you clearly showed how appearances are not all to be considered in battle. I am rather stunned by the results of your efforts. How did you know what to attack to immobilize him?"

"_Know?_ I didn't _know_ anything! I just grabbed and ripped...Gods...what did I _do_?" Aurian felt horrible for what she had done. She wasn't one to want to take a life. "Is...is he going to be alright?"

"Why does it matter?" There was a cool tone to Ironhide's voice and quite frankly it pissed Aurian off.

"Because even if he's a _bad guy _he's _alive_ and one of very few of your entire _race_ that's left! That's why!" She slammed her fist against the dash with the sheer force of her anger. Life was precious no matter who's it was. "Damn it Ironhide, he's alone and didn't know where to go. Why else would he have come all the way out here when it would have been a thousand times easier, Hell, _smarter_ for him to have remained laying low where you guys couldn't find him?"

Ironhide didn't answer, couldn't answer. He hated the Decepticons without exception but her words were not all wrong. Why _would_ a lone Decepticon take a chance against the Autobots? He was grossly outnumbered, out gunned, out everything! There was no logical reason for it.

"Well? Aren't you going to say anything?" Aurian's voice had grown soft and shaky, her latest outbreak bringing more waives of pain. Physical and mental.

Ironhide's engine rumbled angrily, "I thought you didn't want to talk." He grumbled.

Aurian just curled on herself, laying down as well as she could on the bench seat. Suddenly she was very tired. And hot. And she hurt. "Do you have an air conditioner?" She asked almost pathetically. There was no response but cool air was soon blowing on her, "Thanks."

Though it seemed they were traveling in silence, Ironhide was monitoring the woman within his cab. He had not believed her when she said she was fine and had offered her solace with him concerned that left to her own devices she may end up in danger with no one to aid her. It appeared his suspicions were correct. He turned back toward the base, he had had no destination in mind but now that the woman seemed in need he knew he had to seek out Ratchet.

"Hide," she groaned, "I don't feel so well."

"I know." He tried to keep the ride as smooth as possible while picking up as much speed as he dared.

Barreling through the Autobot gate and into the base, Ironhide paid little attention to who was in his way, so long as they moved and quickly. Aurian's breathing had become hitched, something he knew from Will meant that she was in a great deal of pain and trying not to make any noise about it. His recklessness drew attention, thankfully exactly the attention he was looking for as Ratchet came down the hall angrily.

"What is the meaning of this Ironhide? You could have hurt someone!" Ratchet demanded, finding it somewhat curious that the mech was in his alt mode driving through the base.

"Not much choice." He offered, "I need a human to help Aurian out of my cab."

"What?" Ratchet was stunned to say the least, "Why is she in your cab, she's supposed to be in the..."

"She left. I found her and now she's in need of aid. Anything else you want to ask or are you going to help?" Ironhide pushed past the baffled medic, searching for someone, anyone and was relieved when he saw Chief Master Sergent Robert Epps. "Rob!" He drove up to the man, "I need your assistance." He popped open his door before Rob could question what the mech would need of him and he saw the limp form within.

"Oh, man! What happened to her?" Rob pulled the woman from Ironhide's cab, noticing the chilled temperature of the enclosure and the heat of the woman's skin.

"That we can find out later." Ratchet interrupted, "Right now I think it's prudent to treat her as soon as possible."

"Right!" Rob agreed as he lifted the woman into his arms.

~*************~*************~*************~*************~*************~********

_Journal entry_ continued_; CMO_

_Okay, so here's the deal. Don't make your doctor mad. Especially not when he's a military doctor and even more so if he stands over four times your height and more then that if he's a robot._

_Just sayin'._

_Another note...did you know Sideswipe was actually afraid of doctors? Huh? Who'da guessed. The things you learn..._

_~Aurian Fae_


	13. Journal Entry 13

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_** ~~~Oh, so sorry about the length of time it took me to get this one up...there were a few complications with the internet on my end, not to mention I sent the wrong document to my Beta so...yeah! Anyway, moving on~~~**_

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; burn_

_So as it turns out, apparently Energon is poisonous. Not deadly poisonous but definitely uncomfortable and possibly lose a limb type stuff which is why Ratchet was so ticked that I up and wondered off while there were still trace amounts of the stuff in my system. He kept me in 'his' med bay after that. I, for one, do not regret my actions. Ironhide tended to 'swing by' on his off shift and we chatted. Almost like we were friends. It was fun and educational to say the least._

_I was sad to see Sideswipe there nearly every day for one glitch or another though. Poor guy. It just breaks my heart to see him like that, he's obviously so miserable without his twin. Gods how I wish I knew what happened to him, even if it was just to tell him so he would _know_. I think it's the not knowing that's getting to him._

_Now, Barricade on the other hand...I think Ratchet, despite his desire to preserve life, was torturing the poor mech! He had repaired everything vital to him but would not repair his mobile units saying that there was no better prison then paralysis. True, but still evil. I tried to talk to the guy but he was stubborn and didn't really feel like chatting...so I talked, he grumbled in annoyance...hey, I didn't say _I_ wasn't evil...heheh._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Aurian!" Ratchet spun to face the obstinate woman once again, "How many times to I have to tell you to _leave the prisoner alone_!"

"Hey, I'm not bothering him. Am I 'Cade?" She patted the chest plates she was so comfortably perched upon.

"What if he were to strike you?" Ratchet continued trying to edge Aurian off the other mech.

"Hardly. You left him paralyzed Ratchet, I seriously doubt he's going to move."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do." She smiled up at the overly concerned bot, not bothering to move an inch, "You don't mess things like that up."

Ratchet sighed, he almost missed the days when this woman was timid and shy. "Please, get off of the Decepticon."

"Please!" Barricade finally spoke up.

"Ah hah! You _can_ talk! I knew if I just hung around long enough you'd have to say something eventually." Aurian completely ignored the exasperated look she was receiving from Ratchet. "Just 'cause you asked so nicely 'Cade." She slid from the mech's chassis and proceeded down to the floor just as Ironhide was entering the med bay.

"What's going on?" He glared at the immobilized Decepticon with great disdain and then down to the woman who was now approaching him.

"Just having a pleasant conversation with 'Cade. What's up?" Aurian explained rather happily.

Ironhide glared again at the mech before kneeling down to where Aurian now stood. "Will and Rob requested that I come and get you for lunch." He glanced at Ratchet, "Assuming that is alright with you?"

"Please, get her out of my wires for a few hours!" He laughed. Granted, the woman was annoying at times but she never really got in his way or caused any real harm so it was all within his limits of acceptance, however, some time of peace might be nice too.

"Oh, I see how it is!" Aurian stepped up on the offered hand and glared playfully at the medic, "You only want me when I can't talk to you."

"Exactly." The mech agreed. "Besides, I'm starting to believe that you fall into that 'cruel and unusual' department of punishment." Ratchet tipped his head ever so slightly toward the Decepticon that was studiously ignoring them.

"Unusual, maybe." Aurian had to agree, "But effective. He said something at least."

"What?" Ironhide started toward the prone enemy but was stopped by Ratchet instantly. "If he's talking I should question him."

"Begging to remove the chatterbox is hardly talking." Ratchet laughed, even more so when Barricade snorted in dismissal. He wasn't going to speak again, not in Ironhide's presence, but he definitely was not going to submit to the idea of 'begging'.

"Don't worry 'Cade," Aurian called out in the most chipper voice she could, "I'll be back before you know it!" Even Ironhide had to be amused by the low moan they could all just make out coming from the mech.

"I think we may have found a new interrogation tactic." Ratchet mused. Ironhide merely nodded. He had to admit, anything that would have a 'Con moaning in dread like that had to be worth the effort. "I will see you after lunch then." Ratchet directed at Aurian, "No running around the base, no extended exposure outside."

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. I'll be fine." Both mechs grunted skeptically. "What could happen? I'll have Rob and Will there. Not like they let me get into anything."

With that Ironhide turned to leave, Aurian securely in his hand, only to be greeted by Sideswipe as he nervously shuffled into the med bay. Ironhide spared the miserable mech an instant long look of sympathy before moving on. Aurian on the other hand did everything she could to watch him as long as she could, looking for what may be wrong this time. "Matters of the spark, human." Ironhide explained as he caught her craning to see around him, "It's best to stay out of it."

"He just needs someone to talk to." Aurian stated as though she knew the twins troubles. "He's hurting, it's hard to ignore."

Ironhide shook his head, still this woman extended herself. Ever since she found out that Sideswipe was suffering from the absence of his twin she had done everything in her human power to try and alleviate some of the twins suffering by keeping him company. It was an endearing effort and all the bots appreciated her attempts but the truth was there was nothing that 'talking' was going to do for the real pain the twin was suffering. "If a spark were so easily soothed, we'd all be in a much better state." Ironhide hadn't realized he was speaking aloud until Aurian's attention turned to him instead.

"Oh, that whole sparkmate thing, huh?" She said it so passively Ironhide almost didn't register what she had said at all. "Well, wouldn't you be the best one to talk to him then? Or is it completely different? I guess I always was a little confused on the whole spark connections. I get the idea of twins sharing a split spark, and I get the sparkbond/sparkmate thing, but are the two things similar or are they completely different?"

Ironhide nearly dropped the woman. He had gotten used to her flippant mentioning of things that she had no way of knowing but _this_? This was completely off the scale! "Sparks are...complicated at best."

"Hmm, in other words you don't want to talk about it." She crossed her arms over her chest, "You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk about Chromia with people other then Ratchet and Optimus." This time he did drop her, only he managed to catch her before she hit the ground. "Holly crap! What the Hell?"

"Sorry." Was all the large mech offered as he placed her gently on the ground.

"You alright?" She asked as she stabilized her wobbly legs. Ironhide never dropped her, that was weird.

"I'm fine." He stated rather sharply, "Will and Rob are over there," he pointed to where the two men were standing waiting for them just a short distance away, "You should go eat." With that he turned his back on her and left.

The two mentioned men were quick to get to Aurian's side, the first question out of Will's mouth, "What did you do now?"

"But...I..." Aurian stumbled over her words, "Damn it, why is it always _me_ who says something!" She snapped turning toward the mess hall leaving the two men to wonder.

"Did you get that?" Rob asked hopefully.

"Not in the least." Will looked back to where the large mech was retreating and then to where the angered woman was storming off. "I don't know that I wanted to."

"Me neither." Rob agreed whole heartedly. He had to admit that since Aurian's arrival all the mechs had seemed a bit moodier then usual. He had gathered it was from whatever unusual information the woman had but why it affected them so dramatically? That was confounding.

The two shared a momentary look of 'lets get on with it' before following Aurian's trail into the mess hall. Once there they found she had apparently made quick work of the lines and was already huddled in her traditional corner, scowling at her food.

To a degree the soldiers had come to accept the woman's presence and they hardly glared at her anymore. She still received a few cold shoulders but ever since her encounter with Barricade the only cool responses were from those who had not yet worked with the Autobots. Aurian still preferred to hide away where not many people could get around her. She said it had something to do with her personal comfort level. Whatever the reason she usually ended up alone unless Will or Rob were there to keep her company, no one else extended the effort to befriend the woman.

After meandering through the line themselves the two men made their way to where Aurian still scowled at her food, now a mush of something completely indiscriminate. "You should really eat." Will advised, though the food she poked at looked far less appetizing then usual. She stabbed at a rather large lump and shoved it in her mouth, though neither men would venture to say she chewed it before she gagged it down. "What's wrong?" Will finally pushed.

"Nothing." She growled. Rob wondered if maybe Aurian wasn't hanging around Ironhide too much, she was really starting to sound like him. Will almost had to agree.

"Somethings made you demolish your already beat up food." Rob poked his own utensil at the mush. "What _was_ that?"

"Fake." Aurian dropped her fork into the mush, not much caring as bits of it splattered everywhere.

"Why is Ironhide all in a huff again?" Will finally demanded. He was dreading another 'tank' incident.

"He's not."

"Then why did he leave you and storm off?"

"He didn't."

"Then what _was _that?" Rob demanded. Really, women and their damn mind games!

"He dropped me." Aurian grumbled as if that should have been obvious.

"What?" Both men shouted at the same time, drawing attention from the entire mess hall.

Aurian glared at them, then at the people staring, then back again. "You heard me. He accidentally dropped me. He caught me but still...he was pretty upset by it."

Will knew there was more to the story, and he would have it. "Upset because he dropped you, or upset by whatever it was you said that _made_ him drop you?"

Caught, Aurian didn't know where to go. She couldn't just lay open Ironhide's personal life and that was just what she had done. Damn it. When would she _learn_? With a heavy sigh and a suffering look she turned her gaze back to the mush that was supposed to be lunch. It didn't look good at all but she was hungry so she went back to poking at it. "I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut." She stated quietly.

"That's what I thought." Will leaned more toward the woman, trying to gauge the look on her face. "What did you say?"

"We were talking about Sideswipe and how he misses his twin."

"Okay?" Rob was already lost.

"Well, they have this...I don't know, connection to each other and it actually...I don't know if I should be telling you this. It's really their private business."

"That you nosed into and made a mess of." Rob pointed out.

"Again." Will added.

Aurian sighed, what could she do? She was pissed at the two men for their blatant way of putting things but they were right. She certainly had a way of bringing up the most wrong thing she could at any given moment. "Alright, look, it's like this. Imagine you were separated from your family."

"Been there." Will stated.

"Done that." Rob agreed.

"Okay," Aurian continued, "Now imagine that there was more of a connection between you then just emotional. Imagine that it was kind of like a tether that kept you constantly connected. What would happen as you pulled on it to move further away?"

"I imagine it would become stressed and possibly break." Will shrugged. It was logical, what was her point?

"Exactly. Now imagine that that tether was something you depended on for life, support and everything vital to you."

"What if it was?" Will was becoming confused.

"Essentially, Sideswipe is tethered to his twin and they're so far apart they can't _feel_ the other over their tether." Aurian looked at each man to see if he had gotten her point. They had, all too clearly.

"He's..?" Rob couldn't find the word for what he wanted to say. He could picture the idea that Aurian had explained but he couldn't actually _imagine_ how it would really feel.

"Suffering." Will realized aloud. "He's hurting by being so far away from his twin."

"Yes." Aurian bowed her head, she felt as though she had just shared a trusted secret and she was ashamed.

"Why doesn't he say something?" Rob spoke up again. He was confounded, if someone hurt they said something and got it taken care of. That's just what you _did_.

"What would you do? Talk to him? Tell him it's alright?" Aurian scoffed as that had been her exact reaction, "It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't ease his suffering any."

"You tried." Will stated. It was obvious by Aurian's personal distress that she felt as frustrated by the idea as they did, only she had known from the beginning.

"I failed." She nodded. "Matters of the spark..." She quoted Ironhide's earlier statement, "It's best to stay out of it." She sighed and shoveled another lump of mush into her mouth.

"So Ironhide was mad that you tried to help Sideswipe? That doesn't sound right." Will pressed.

Aurian nearly choked on her mush. Damn, she'd hoped that they would simply accept that little tidbit and leave her be. She groaned uncomfortably.

"There's more?" Rob questioned. To be honest, learning about their mech comrades was infinitely fascinating and he wanted to know more. If only Aurian wasn't so withholding with her information!

"I really don't want to talk about it guys. It's not something that should really be discussed." Aurian pleaded.

"No way." Will shook his head, "Last time I let you get away with that I come to find out that you knew about the shard that Optimus was hiding! There's no way..."

"This has nothing to do with anyone but Ironhide!" She snapped, once again gaining unwanted attention from those around them. "It's his personal business, I had no right even bringing it up." Now she felt sick to her stomach. Was it the mush? Or was it guilt? Or a mixture of both? Both, she decided. "I just opened my mouth when I should have kept it shut and brought up a really sore subject, okay?" She took her tray and retreated from the table, only turning back to look at the two men watching after her for a second, "Just remember the tether, okay?" She dumped her tray on the discard line and left the mess hall with several eyes watching. 'Always making a scene.' She reprimanded herself.

Once out of the mess hall Aurian let her feet guide her. She really had no plans as to where to go, or even any real conscious thought about it, just that she had to get away. It was no surprise to her then that she ended up back in that same place that had allowed her to spot Sideswipe's decent upon the planet and also her first inkling of Barricade's presence. It was a quiet place that generally no one bothered to come around. Generally.

The faint tremors told her that one of the mechs was approaching and wasn't trying to be too quiet about it. "What do you want?" She groaned. It's not so much that she minded their company, actually she rather preferred it to most of the humans around here but she had already blundered once today, did she really need to push her luck?

"I thought I instructed you to not go running all over the base?" Ratchet's disapproving tone was lined with something else, worry?

"Sorry, I just needed to get away for a minute. Get some air."

Ratchet came to sit next to the woman, an interesting image to Aurian as they both sat staring out at the desert. "Ironhide came to me."

Aurian's head fell to her knees, "Damn it, Ratchet, I'm sorry. I keep saying things...I know I shouldn't but I just don't think! Is he mad at me again?"

"No. He's not mad." Ratchet looked down at the woman, she really had a good heart, just really poor timing. "He was surprised is all. He said you had some questions about sparks and their connections?"

Now Aurian was curious. Had Ironhide not told Ratchet what she had said? She looked over at the mech that was considering her. No, she decided quickly, he had told him everything. "I was just asking about Sides...I guess I just let my thoughts wander."

"From what he told me, you have a pretty firm grip on the idea." Ratchet turned his gaze back out to the desert. "Only that the connection between twins and the connection between bonded are different slightly. With twins, should one become deactivated, the other may live whereas with a bonded pair, if one is deactivated the other will follow. Also the connection between bonded is much stronger, more focused then it is between twins."

"Oh." Aurian faintly remembered something along those lines she had read once, a story someone had written. "Chromia's still alive." She stated finally. She knew as much was true and for some reason she thought Ratchet needed to know. Whether he believed her, well that was up to him.

"Hmm...maybe you should tell Ironhide that." Aurian couldn't help but think there was a tone of relief in the CMO's voice. Like a huge weight had been lifted suddenly.

"You think he'll talk to me again?"

"Most assuredly."

They sat there for a long time, watching the sun creep across the sky. Aurian found herself comforted by the mech's presence. "Thank you Ratchet."

"What for?"

"Everything."

~**************~**************~**************~**************~**************~***

_Journal entry_ continued_; matters of the..._

_Does it really matter what you call it? That piece of you that is everything emotional you never wanted revealed to the whole world? That little bit that is everything? Call it what you will, I'll simply refer to it as the self destruct device implanted in every living being for some grand cosmic joke._

_Okay, that's a little bitter, I'll admit, but seriously? If one dies the other will too? I just don't want to accept that. Granted people can move on, generally but there's been cases where if one partner dies the other's not long to follow. Maybe we aren't so very different..._

_~Aurian Fae_

* * *

AN~ Yep, that one statement was homage to Litahatchee's fic Night Fire. Go~Read~It.


	14. Journal Entry 14

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Oh, my...didn't realize I had left such an open question lingering without an explination! I'm so sorry to all the people I may have confused with the previous chapter and the conversation between Ratchet and Aurian. She tells him that Chromia (now spelled correctly, thank you **_**Tenshi of Light21** _**for catching that) is still alive. I recieved a few questions as to why Ratchet and Ironhide wouldn't know that. The reasoning is that though in my little world (as in many other peoples little worlds) a sparkmate WILL die after their mate has been killed, it can take time. Kinda a slow death sort of thing. This is one of those things that is explained quite wonderfully in and is strongly based on Litahatchee's fic Night Fire (yes, THAT again...I will mention it often and as highly praised as I can think to do, so I hope you don't get too anoyed with me and you GO READ THE FIC CAUSE IT'S WONDERFUL!) where it has happened that bonded mechs (or femmes) have lived for a good length of time after their mate has died. I will be going more in depth into this in a later chapter so I hope you can hold out on that (along with all my other little strings that are waving in the wind waiting for their anchor).**_

_**Also I wanted to point out that I have changed the rating from (M) to (T). I hope this is okay and doesn't bother anyone or mess anything up for anyone...I'm not sure how the rating affects favs, alerts, or anything else. If you begin to feel that I should change the rating back please let me know. I don't want to offend anyone and I'm fearful that where this runs may turn back to a (T) rated fic. No promises though! ^_~! **__**Now that all that's said...I think I covered everything! **_

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; consoling_

_It doesn't matter how many times you tell me. I don't care if he's an alien robot with alien robot problems, I can _not _just sit idly by and watch him deteriorate into a deep depression that seemed to have no bottom and no escape._

_~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Sideswipe, for all his misery and glitches over the past several Earth days refused to believe he was in any need of anything more then a good battle, some deep recharge and a solid infusion of high grade. Maybe in that order but he wouldn't mind mixing it up some either.

However the Earthling, Aurian by name, seemed to believe that he needed to 'talk it out'.

"Would you go away already?" Sideswipe groaned as he leaned against one of the larger buildings. Aurian wasn't so much a pest as an annoying, misplaced, buzzing little conscious to remind him of things he'd rather not recall.

"Do you really want me to?" It was a simple enough question and asked with no sarcasm or hurt at all and that was the most infuriating part of it all. She was so compliant! In answer he kicked a small clump of dirt. "Sides..."

"Why do you insist on talking?"

"Because you won't." Aurian sat beside the large mech's foot and started recreating some images in the dirt. "I don't know what else to do."

Sideswipe was quiet. If he were to speak the truth, he didn't know either. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't exactly abandon Optimus and the others to go searching the stars for his brother. Not only would it have been against direct orders but he had no idea what direction to go in either. Another pang echoed through his spark. He was calling to his brother reflexively, each time falling short of connection and echoing painfully back through him.

"Sometimes, I really have to wonder who thought this all was such a good idea." The woman's voice was so soft Sideswipe couldn't be sure if she was actually speaking to him or to herself. She did that often, running on tangents forgetting there was anyone there to hear her. "Who decided that I needed to be here? Why? It's not like I can _fix_ anything. I can't _change_ anything."

"I find it's best not to think about the 'how's' and 'why's' of thing, but rather to take action." He stood off of the building and stretched lazily.

"What action?"

"Hmm, depends on your personal preference I imagine." Taking a few steps away, Aurian was sure that Sideswipe intended to leave her behind so when he paused to look back she was a little surprised. "You comin'?"

Aurian lept to her feet and ran the distance between them before she realized she hadn't wanted to be left behind, "Where we goin'?"

Sideswipe only laughed, a mischievous laugh if Aurian had ever heard one and she found herself ultimately intrigued and knowing that she would most likely regret following the silver mech. But then there was that curiosity thing again...

They approached the gate and Sideswipe prepared to move past only to find that Aurian was no longer following, a guard standing in her way. "I'm sorry Ma'am, but you are not allowed to leave the base." The guard stated simply.

"She is with me." Sideswipe loomed over the man, every bit as imposing as he could appear. Which, Aurian had to admit was only in the very loosest of terms described as 'extremely'.

The guard, much to his credit only shied away a little before continuing. "I'm sorry, I've been ordered specifically not to let Miss Towns off base."

"Why is that?"

"Miss Towns is a civilian and does not have the clearance to leave the base."

"Prisoner is more like it." Aurian grumbled. She waived at Sideswipe in a gesture that signaled to just drop it and turned to leave only to find herself hefted into a large hand. "Sides! What are you doing?"

"She is with me." He stated once more before completely ignoring the guards continued protests and moving beyond the gates.

"Sides you're going to get in trouble." She scolded, though could not help but to be amused by the angered barks from the guard they were quickly leaving behind.  
"What else is new?" The large mech laughed, this one more relaxed, comfortable. "I doubt they will do anything too horrible. Besides, I'd never hear the end of it if I left you behind...would I?" It was an observed statement.

"I hardly expect you to get yourself in trouble on my behalf. Besides...when I leave the base bad things happen."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know...some alien's come falling from the sky near death...some alien's try to kill me...you know, that kind of stuff."

"That was before you had me with you." The silver mech rolled his shoulders in an imposing way.

"Yeah, I bet I'll soon be able to add, 'defying gravity' and 'high speed chase' to my list of things I've accomplished before I die." She mock grumbled.

Sideswipe laughed, "Count on it."

"Ratchet's gonna kill me."

"Kill is such a harsh word." The mech shivered slightly as he placed Aurian on the ground and began his transformation sequence. "Besides, you and I both know the Hatchet has more fearsome punishments to offer."

With a heavy sigh she climbed into the sleek vehicle, only giggling a little this time. "Guess at least if I'm going to suffer, it won't be alone." She marveled at the luxurious interior of the car, she had never ridden in Sideswipe before, the mech actually seemed rather disgusted by the idea of organics riding inside him. This was a moment to be remembered and cherished.

With a dismissive noise Sideswipe set his gears and tore off into the desert at speeds that were not only illegal but verging on the edge of lethal to the being held safely within. Aurian, however, could not contain the manic laughter that erupted from her at the sheer adrenaline surging through her with the experience.

* * *

Saying the base was in an 'uproar' was a gross understatement. The security guard at the eastern gate had radioed in that the Cybertronian designated as Sideswipe had left the base taking along with him civilian Aurian Fae Towns.

Optimus was furious. Ratchet was beyond furious and Ironhide was ready to set things ablaze. That's to say nothing of their human comrades, Will and Rob. The two men had been concerned about Aurian's insistence that the mech needed 'company'. They tried to use her own words that there was nothing she could do for him to sway her from following him around like a lost puppy, obviously they had failed. Alien or not, Sideswipe was in pain and Aurian could not stand it. Not to mention the fact that once again the woman had managed to find a way off the base.

"He is not answering my call." Ratchet stated rather flatly. Will knew that when the medic turned stoic that things were far from 'calm' or 'well' and this was disconcerting. Ratchet had taken Aurian's physical care into his own hands as it were and he was not at all pleased that his patient was once again running amuck without being cleared from his medical observations. "Optimus?"

"Negative. He has blocked all communications. It appears he has disrupted his signal as well." The large mech rumbled in something Will might call a growl. Did Optimus growl? If he did that wasn't a good sign either, he was sure.

"We haven't been able to get any visuals either." He answered before the question could be asked. Will knew his roll in this game, he had his men stationed everywhere keeping an eye out for the runaway vehicle and all security videos were being closely watched. They had done this once before when Sideswipe had taken a 'leave of absence' shortly after his arrival and now he knew exactly what was to be expected. "I've got everyone on high alert."

"Daft glitch!" Ironhide roared. Everyone had been only slightly surprised by the large black mech's response to the report that Sideswipe had run off with the human woman. They had, after all, been spending more time in one another's company and the mech tended to look over the woman with an air of a protective brother. Not that he would admit it. "I'll blast his aft right off this planet!"

The other two mechs did not attempt to deter the weapons specialist's claim and Will only kind of thought that it might not be just an empty threat. Still the situation loomed. Aurian was gone, again, and she was still not medically fit to be; 'running amuck'. "Do you have any idea where he might be headed?" Will knew that if _they_ knew they would have told him already, still he had to ask.

"No where good, I'm sure." Ratchet's voice remained flat, yet Will was pretty sure there was a snap of aged weariness laced within.

Optimus sighed, he was obviously concerned for the missing duo even in his current state of anger. "Sideswipe has a propensity to gravitate toward the more unsavory aspects of any culture. I had hoped that with his twin still unaccounted for his habits might have been curbed."

"Obviously," now Ratchet sounded a touch concerned as well, "without his twin to balance him he is out to find his own chaos."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Will questioned. He got the general idea that Sideswipe would be up to no good but what did that have to do with his missing twin and Aurian?

"Sunstreaker is more inclined to defy authority and act as he sees fit, where Sideswipe, though no innocent himself, usually can be reasoned with and guided to stay within...extended boundaries." Ratchet explained.

"So why did he take Aurian with him if he's out to get into trouble?"

"Because he's got a death wish." Ironhide growled.

"Likely," Optimus interrupted whatever else the angered mech was about to say, "Aurian's natural curiosity has spurred a likeness to that of his twin and he has started to accept her as a supplement."

"He's trying to use her to replace his brother?" Will was astounded, who could do such a thing?

"Hardly." Ironhide growled. Even if he was beyond ready to use the wayward twin as target practice, he understood what was going on even without Ratchet's and Optimus's explanations. "It's more like his version of aspirin for a migraine."

"Not very effective..." Will pointed out.

"But if it is all you had available to you, would you not attempt the same?" Optimus asked.

Will saw it clearly now. Sideswipe was hurting and Aurian was trying to help numb the pain, however ineffective it might be, and he was partaking of the offered hope. "What kind of trouble?" At the question every mech grew still and quiet. "Is Aurian in danger?"

* * *

Aurian grinned evilly as they approached a line of rather impressive and expensive vehicles. "Are you sure about this Sides?"

"_Do you doubt my skill?"_ Sideswipe's voice challenged through the speakers, which Aurian had noticed, surrounded her.

"No. I don't doubt your skill one bit. However it's yer knack for getting into trouble I worry about."

The car thrummed with a mix of laughter and a roaring engine, the sound alerting the other humans in the vicinity of their arrival. "_Just do your part human, I'll do mine."_ He instructed as he snapped open the driver's side door.

Reluctantly Aurian climbed out to meet the curious eyes of those who now gathered around them. "Hey, girlie, what'ca got there?" One of the older men of the group approached, daring to drag a hand over the hood of Sideswipe's alt mode. The others simply clustered around trying to get a better view of both car and driver.

"What's it look like?" Aurian purred in her best 'you want it' voice. "You got a show or what?"

"Maybe." The man now considered Aurian, eye's pausing on the strange spiderweb scars covering her arms, "You interested?"

"Maybe." Aurian moved away from the safety offered by the opened door into Sideswipe's interior and gently pushed the door closed, making sure to make every movement something to be seen.

"What'ya bringin?" The man challenged, a glimmer to his eye that told Aurian she was reaching him in just the way she had wanted...and feared.

Leaning against the car and rubbing one hand up and down the frame of Sideswipe's front windshield she puckered out her bottom lip in a sad little pout, "Honestly, all I have is..." She looked over the crowd, they were enraptured by the sleek vehicle and her little display. Aurian isn't someone you might call gorgeous, but she wasn't homely either and she knew which of her features to move when, where and how to gain certain attentions, "my car." She said the last words in a breathy way, half sad, half alluring.

"Yours?" The man challenged.

"Papers an' all." Aurian herself had been rather stunned when Sideswipe had presented her with a rather _legal_ looking set of title papers when he had told her what he was up to. "If you'll take my little donation..."

"I think we can waive the fee." The man's smile was enormous. He wanted to have that car for himself and there was no doubt in Aurian's mind that he _knew_ it would be his before this night was over. "You got a ride home?" He stated just to ferment the suspicion.

"Hmm," Aurian purred softly, "I think I'll manage."

Putting his hand out in obvious declaration for said materials the man watched eagerly as Aurian crawled back inside the rare vehicle. Was that a Stingray? It had to be a new one because no one recalled quite this model.

"There's no goin' back after this Sides..." She whispered softly as she reached for the glove compartment from the driver's side. "You sure?"

In answer the compartment popped open, angrily Aurian thought, and the papers were displayed for her. With a sigh she grabbed them and retreated once more from the car.

"Starts in five. Markers are yellow for left, green for right. Get that sweet piece of machinery over there." The man pointed to a place where a few other cars were beginning to line up with one hand and snatched the offered papers with the other. "Come see me after words, I might give ya a lift." He snickered, obviously a double meaning to his words.

Aurian simply smiled her most impish of smiles and turned back to 'her' car. Despite her reservations she knew Sideswipe would come out on top and that should have been enough to quell the quivering mass of anxiety inside her stomach but it didn't. She took a deep breath, held it, then climbed inside once more. "Sides, just so you know, I know you can do this, but I'm scared to death you won't."

Laughter rolled through the speakers again, "_If I didn't succeed, we couldn't do this again now could we?"_ Aurian suspected he was enjoying her discomfort right now.

"I've never been in a street race before." She admitted anxiously, "I hope you know what you're doing."

The cars had all lined up and there was the typical little strutty, barely legal teen that walked out in front of them all waving a small little piece of cloth. "_Not a clue."_

Aurian did not get a chance to protest as the girl reached her raised perch and dropped the little piece of cloth. Every car roared as it accelerated off the mark, that is aside from one. "What are you doing?! Go!" Aurian shrieked.

Sideswipe waited for the others to get their angry engines to top speed before he started rolling. "_I have to give them a fair start...it's no fun to beat them from the beginning."_ He chuckled as he tore off after the small pack of vehicles.

Though his pace was much subdued from that of their run across the desert Aurian could still feel the pressure of speed within her chest and the pump of adrenaline in her veins. It didn't take them long at all to start passing the other cars and she could feel the giddiness growing inside her. Soon enough they were in the lead of the pack and Aurian couldn't stop the laughter...until she noticed a little yellow reflective marker on a concrete column that held up a rather large bridge as they passed right by it. "Left! You were supposed to go left!" She shouted suddenly panicked. Why hadn't he seen the marker?

"_Slag."_ Was his response, the force of gravity sucked Aurian deep into the soft material of the seat as Sideswipe spun around to retrace his path and turn at the correct place. "_My scanners don't pick up the markers...you're gonna have to watch for 'em."_ He instructed coolly.

"Ha! Right!" Aurian latched desperately onto the steering wheel, "At this speed I'll be lucky if I see them as we pass them!"

"_You saw that one."_

"Luck!"

"_Stay lucky then."_

Aurian's knuckles grew white as she gripped the steering wheel. She was so afraid right now that she could not even respond. Her eyes were glued to the windshield before her, searching for the tiny little reflective stickers, wherever they might be hidden. "Right!" She shouted triumphantly as she spotted a little green circle stuck to the bottom of a yield sign.

So enthused by her success she did not register as they tore into traffic until a large, dark blue mini van nearly came into contact with them. "Holy shit! I thought these things were on closed roads!"

"_Apparently not."_ Sideswipe sounded smug to Aurian and she found that she had never wanted to slap an alien more then she had at that very moment. Though she really couldn't think of many other times she'd ever wanted to slap an alien...

"Hell, left exit! Hurry!" She pointed to where she could just make out the tiny yellow reflection on one of the exit signs and regretted that she had released her firm grip as Sideswipe tore across three lanes of traffic to get to the exit before they passed it. Several horns blared at them but thankfully no 'crash' accompanied the angry sounds. "I'm gonna die!" She laughed excitedly. Why was she laughing? Death was no laughing matter! "Left!" She shouted again. Damn, even if this was incredibly dangerous, she was having fun. "Right!"

When they turned around several more sharp corners the finish line came into sight and Aurian cheered loudly. "You did it! You won!" She bounced in her seat a little, only marginally regretting that the race was now over but thrilled by the idea they might do this again sometime.

"_We."_ Sideswipe's voice stated calmly as he slowed his speed so as not to overshoot the finish line by too much.

"What?"

"_You said I did it. That's not entirely correct since without you, I would have missed the markers and not succeeded."_

Aurian smiled to herself. She was pretty sure now that he would have been able to find the markers on his own but he had wanted to make her a part of the adventure so had allowed her the responsibility of seeking out their directions. "Thanks Sides." She whispered as the door swung open and she climbed out to await the other racers and claim their prize. Really all she wanted was that little piece of paper back. She wasn't sure if it actually was legal but either way she'd rather not think of someone else having it.

Suddenly Sideswipe's door popped open and his engine revved, drawing the attention of a few of the spectators that had come to gather around the 'winner'. Aurian hurried over to the awaiting vehicle and leaned inside as if she were looking for something, "What's wrong?'

"_We have to go."_

"But..."

"_Now!"_ His voice was loud enough for some of the people around them to hear.

Thinking quickly Aurian leaned back out of the car and slammed the door shut. "Stupid speaker phone." She looked around for the person designated to hold all the 'entry fee's' and immediately approached the young woman who had been drawn toward the car at the mysterious actions along with the others. "Sorry, my brother just called me, there's an emergency. I got to go."

"I can't give you the winnings until everyone crosses the line." The woman stepped back a few paces seeming unsure if Aurian might attack her.

"That's fine, I just need my title. I don't really care about the winnings. Give them to the next guy." She held out her hand expectantly, not moving any closer to the woman to prevent her from feeling threatened.

"Okay." It seemed more a question then an agreement but the woman dug through her pocket until she dug out a large lump of bills and several papers. "Here." She handed over the same paper Aurian had released to the man before the race and watched with mixed curiosity as Aurian retreated back to her 'car'.

"Thanks!" Aurian called out as she climbed inside. Many of the onlookers after that would swear that the door shut on its own and that the car had started moving long before Aurian had even strapped herself in.

Silence permeated their quick retreat from the back road finish line and Aurian couldn't help but think that Sideswipe seemed stressed. "What's wrong?"

"_I received a signal."_

"A signal? As in from Optimus?"

"_As in 'incoming'."_

"Oh." Aurian let the waive of excitement at meeting more of the Autobots from her fandom wash over her for a moment before she bothered to acknowledge the tensed note of Sideswipe's report. "Good or bad?"

Sideswipe was quiet for a moment longer then Aurian would have liked. She wanted him to say 'good' without any hesitation at all so that she could simply sit back and enjoy the ride out to meet up with more friendly robots. "_Both."_

Aurian felt her entire body stiffen then deflate against the seat. "Do you at least know who?"

"The signal was from Jolt. It was an emergency request for back up."

"So, we're going back to the base to get the others?"

"No."

"What?" Aurian shrieked, "Why?"

"It's too far away. I am the closest and there is no time to waste."

"But..." Her heart raced at the mere notion of being pit up against yet another Decepticon with her imminent demise in mind.

"I will not let them hurt you." The statement was both heart warming and bone chilling all at once. Aurian knew he _meant_ it and he would protect her but that simple statement also clearly indicated that he was taking her into battle with him.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; imminent demise_

_Battle is such a foreign thing. We all watch it on TV, in movies and sometimes in the news too but most of us have never _been _in battle before. Yes, I took on a Decepticon alone, and I'm not even going to attempt to claim that was 'easy', 'simple' or even well planned attacks brought from years of practice because quite frankly it was fear and luck. That's it._

_When Sideswipe brought me upon the thunderous, world destroying scene that he had been called to I knew that I was not made for battle. I was going to die._

_~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this one. I decided it was far past some time for some good clean-ish fun. Sides doing what he does best. ^_~


	15. Journal Entry 15

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; if I can't see you, you can't see me_

_A very poor theory going into rampaging, giant-alien-robot battles with._

_Sideswipe dumped me off somewhere near the edge of the whole thing saying that I needed to stay low and try to keep out of the way. Right, cause I was going to go charging in like a mad woman!_

_Yet as I watched the battle rage on, knowing that the others were too far away to help...Gods I must hate my life._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There were, by Aurian's counting, four Autobots including Sideswipe and three Decepticons. Two of the Decepticons were about the same size as Sideswipe but the third was much larger. As in; 'Oh-my-gods, he's HUGE!' larger. The new Autobots, at least she was mostly sure they were Autobots, were smaller then their enemies, two being a far cry smaller and the other being only slightly smaller then Sideswipe himself, and Aurian _was_ sure that they were not quite built to be front liners. Honestly her fandom didn't cover all this. She couldn't tell by sight who these new mechs were or how likely it was that any of them might find their end here in this battle.

"Some fangirl." She berated herself. But then again, she was limited on her knowledge and she had to admit that to herself here and now or end up making a mistake because she'd assumed something that was based on false or incorrect 'facts' that she recalled from her days as a fangirl. One of the Decepticons she could vaguely recall from some of the concept sketches for the second movie...the name sounded a lot like Sideswipe...who was it? But then again the other one looked a lot like him too...so maybe not.

Aurian's heart lept into her throat as she watched the larger Decepticon kick one of the two smallest bots and he went flying with a long stream of banter. She wasn't sure but thought that it might have been Cybertronian cussing. The other bot of a similar size to the first instantly started raging at the large Decepticon and shot it's legs several times bringing the large mech down for a moment. Aurian searched out the kicked mech and was relieved to see him climbing clumsily back to his feet.

The bot that was slightly smaller then Sideswipe was standing his own against one of the smaller two Decepticons with some strange electrical whip. "Jolt!" Aurian realized aloud, however she sank back when her proclamation drew attention to her from said bot causing him to miss his enemy and leaving himself open for a blow from the other. This also drew yet more attention from the mech fighting the two smaller bots as well and Aurian could feel her stomach sink. He saw her.

Instantly she knew she was in trouble as the sound of the robot's silent communications filled her head and she whimpered. She had to hide and _now_! But where did you hide from giant alien robots?

Sideswipe had been engaged with the last Decepticon, completely missing her blunder and subsequently the immediate threat to her life that was occurring even as he struck blow after blow to his enemy. Aurian, however, saw the shift in the red optics as Sideswipe's enemy glanced in her direction before delivering a strong blow of his own, allowing him a few scant seconds to escape the Autobot's attack. "Fuck!" She turned from the battle and sought out something, anything that could provide her cover.

They were currently battling in an airplane graveyard, somehow fitting Aurian thought, and while it provided them with plenty of things to bash each other with and to use as temporary shielding from the other's blasts and blades it was _not_ abundant in places for a small human to take cover from optics that could read heat signatures.

She recognized Sideswipe's angry voice shouting in his native language at the Decepticon that was abandoning their battle for, as far as he knew, no reason. Aurian hurried to get herself beneath one of the larger planes, hoping that the bulk of the dead machine might at least delay the Decepticon long enough for someone to help her. Panic struck her as the plane suddenly shifted downward several feet threatening to crush her. Maybe under a giant plane was _not_ such a good idea! Her desire to run from beneath it however was stolen from her as the plane flipped through the air leaving her completely exposed to the evilly smiling Decepticon leering over her. She knew who he was, she could almost swear it, but her panic struck mind would not process anything other then the repeated phrase of 'oh crap, oh crap'.

As the mech reached down for her Aurian considered how many different ways she could be squished by said hand and was completely baffled when it never reached her. Instead, it vanished and so did the mech wielding it actually. Blinking hard to clear panic tears from her eyes she looked around to piece together what had just happened. Apparently, Sideswipe had tackled her to-be-destroyer and they now lay in a tangle on the ground tousling for dominance of the brawl.

However, with Sideswipe sufficiently detained Aurian was once again a prime target. This time it was the larger bot who came after her, having knocked the two smaller bots into each other causing them to be tangled and too disoriented to seem to be able to do much about it but jabber.

The imposing mech leaned over her with something akin to interest. Aurian couldn't help but wonder if it was the fact that she was a tiny little living being that interested him, or the fact that her momentary lapse in silence had distracted one of his enemies. Either way she was pretty sure that it was not going to end well for her. She searched desperately for someplace to run to but found nothing within reasonable distance for her to escape the mech that had ill intent. 'Gods he's so much bigger then Barricade...' she thought to herself. Why that occurred to her, she wasn't entirely sure but panicked brains think the strangest things.

He spoke and Aurian knew it was a question. However, despite that it was spoken in Cybertronian she knew it was rhetorical just by the tone. Suddenly explosions rocked the mech's frame and he turned angrily to face whomever had dared interrupt him. Aurian was endlessly thankful that the two small mechs had apparently gotten it together and had resumed their attack on him. They continued to rant and rave endlessly at the mech as they scrabbled around him, one would dominate his attention while the other would seek out a weakness to attack. Despite her fear she had to admit the two worked well together and were rather effective. Maybe if the Decepticon wasn't so much larger then them they could have dispatched of him.

Unfortunately for Aurian, the two smaller bots did not realize that she was there, or if they did then they didn't seem to think that she was something worth watching out for, because their blasts continually rained down all around her. She ducked and rolled and tried her best to escape the crossfire but found that she was woefully incapable of keeping up. So, she huddled herself as close to some large debris as she could get and prayed to her spiritual deities that she would remain in one piece.

She could only cringe as shrapnel bounced from the ground and slammed into her. She cried as hot slag literally melted into her skin. They were only flecks the size of pin tips and nothing of any real danger to her but they were still painful. An angry snarl drew her gaze from her protective huddle to see the bot she had previously identified as Jolt leaning over her like a shield. He wasn't looking at her however, instead his attention was directed toward the bots fighting behind him. The two smaller ones responded loudly and...defiantly? to whatever he had told them but they managed to draw the battle away slightly.

Jolt looked at her, something bordering on disapproval on his mechanical face before he shoved her behind one of the squat plane husks and returned to the battle. Aurian stayed where she was put and listened, the battle was getting louder, more yelling, more explosions and she was essentially trapped where she was. If she broke her cover and ran, one of the Decepticons could easily target her and be done with her before anyone could do anything about it, yet she felt that if she stayed she was just as doomed.

Heart pounding Aurian crept to where she could see what was happening. Jolt, it seemed, had managed to take down his enemy and was currently working with the two smaller bots to take down the large Decepticon, though it seemed they were only just holding him back. Sideswipe was standing his own against his enemy, looking rather spectacular while doing it, Aurian admitted to herself. He knew what he was doing and it showed in every move he made. He was swift, graceful and deadly. Unfortunately his enemy seemed to be just as qualified and was staving off the worst of his attacks. The battle looked gruesome but it appeared that, if not winning, at least the Autobots weren't losing.

That's when Aurian realized that, though she assumed the third Decepticon was taken out, she couldn't see him anywhere. Too late she felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickle and she turned in time to see the hand that closed around her, lifting her none too gently from the ground and bringing her to within inches of dark red optics. The mech snarled something at her in Cybertronian, a question of some sort.

She wanted to scream. If she screamed then Sideswipe would know she was in danger. He would come for her...or at least she hoped he would. He was a good guy after all, right? Yet her lungs seemed frozen.

The hand tightened around her, obviously the mech was displeased at her lack of answer and he repeated himself.

"I-I don't u-un-understand." She gasped. Gods it hurt to breath! He was crushing her! Her hands were moving before the thought occurred to her that she had escaped a situation like this once before, she could do it again. "I don't speak Cybertronian." She wailed angrily as she yanked at the first thing she could get her hand around. It worked! 'Oh Hell, it worked!' Too late she realized just how high in the air she was as the mech let her go to stop the pain in his hand. Now she screamed.

Falling was a funny thing. Aurian knew it only took a few seconds for her to fall the many feet from the mech's hand to the ground but it _felt_ like forever. She saw out of the corner of her eye as Sideswipe turned to see her falling. 'No!' She thought desperately. She saw the evil look on the Decepticon that he had faced off with. His foe distracted the Decepticon took this opportunity to shoot a hastily aimed plasma blast. She watched fearfully as the shot headed strait for Sideswipe's chest and then she saw nothing.

"Aurian!" The shout was clear as day in her head. So was the resounding sound of plasma tearing through metal.

'Get up!' She demanded of herself. Her body was completely numb and she knew that was not a _good_ thing but it was not pain so she was accepting it. She just had to get up. Slowly her vision was coming back, spiraling in different colors until the world was normal once more. There was pressure in her chest and in her head but that didn't matter. Her eyes focused on something a few feet from her. It was dark, rusty in color and looked sharp. That's what she wanted. 'Move!' She demanded of her muscles. The shadow of her attacker loomed over her, a sound of mirth echoing from him.

With a scream of defiance she rolled out of the way of whatever the mech had been about to do to her and snatched up the rusted shank of metal she had focused on. Everything pulsed red in time with her pounding heart rate and she changed her focus to the nearest metal structure she could. Reason told her it was a leg but her mind hardly cared what reason said. She needed to fight back and she had to make it count! Her body responded aptly, almost as if it were actually calling the shots and not her mind, either way she moved quickly and with great purpose.

The mech was foolishly amused by the actions of the 'little fleshbag' and did not consider it important that the little being was running for him. His mirth was twisted into rage and pain as he felt the tiny creature attack his sensitive wires, severing them without hesitation! Before he had a moment to respond to the absurd attack his left leg no longer functioned and he crashed down onto one knee. He growled some Cybertronian insult as he reached for the tiny pest attacking him.

Aurian did not run from the oncoming hand, she waited for it, eyes locked on the target she intended to attack next and knowing that the underestimating mech would comply with her desire.

Organics are foolish and incredibly fragile, the Decepticon thought as he snatched the little annoyance from his leg and started to squeeze it in his hand. He watched the expressions on the beings little face wanting to see the suffering, the pain but saw something else instead. Anger, defiance and worst of all, a knowing smirk.

Without hesitation Aurian drew back her crude weapon and brought it down to bare upon the mech's connecting wrist joint causing his fingers to release her but instead of falling victim to gravity again she latched onto the limp digits and hauled herself further up his appendage. She knew where she wanted to go this time. There was a vague voice in the back of her head that was explaining the primary routes of energon within a mech's body. Why? She couldn't remember but she knew there was one that ran from directly under the spark chamber into the shoulder joint of every bot. If hit properly the bot could be completely disabled in a matter of minutes. Only as she reached her goal and had already committed to the motion of impaling said 'vein' did she recall something else; energon is poisons to humans. 'Too late now.' She thought all too calmly as the liquid splashed forth from the gouge she had created.

Gravity could now do it's job and help her do hers. Aurian leaned into the injury and allowed herself to slip from her precarious perch, using her body to force the weapon to drag through the heavy material of the energon line as she fell, opening it up wide.

The red faded to black and she knew that pain would soon follow now that her self imposed mission was done. 'Hopefully the impact will at least knock me out.' She though mellowly as she fell. 'Impact' came much sooner then she thought it should and with a subdued wave of fear she realized that she had been caught in yet another metal hand. Did she have the strength to attack again? The word, "Got'ca" rang through her head like a sanctuary bell. She knew that voice and it meant she was safe.

Aurian blinked away the haze and looked up at the mech that had caught her. Sideswipe wasn't looking at her, though the way he was curled around her spoke of his anxiety at that moment. They weren't out of danger yet. Her grip firmed around her scavenged weapon and she brought it up to examine it fully. 'How did a hunting knife get out here?' She thought of the small weapon. It was indeed what looked to be an old style, worn hunting knife complete with blood groove and all. The energon had stripped the rust from the blade's surface bringing it back to a dull silver sheen. Her fingers, clinched tightly around the weapon drew her attention, the spiderweb scars from her previous encounter with energon were beginning to glow as the energon once again came in contact with her skin. "Sideswipe?" She asked tentatively, "We almost done here?"

Sideswipe grunted, amused at the seemingly off handed way the human viewed this battle. She had just nearly been killed more then once and now she sounded like a tired sparkling ready for recharge. "Soon." He promised.

A blast rocked the ground and even Sideswipe, crouched as he was, found himself struggling to maintain his balance. "What was that?" Aurian asked desperately.

"The calvary." If she didn't know better Aurian would have sworn Sideswipe sounded disappointed. "Guess the party's over." He sighed and straitened.

Aurian watched in rapt fascination as the three Decepticons transformed and fled the scene just as three familiar forms rolled in. The large one shifted into what Aurian had to imagine what a love child between a yacht and a tank might look like. It had wheels instead of treads and a much more subdued cannon mounted to it with a body shaped like it was ready to take a lengthy cruse across a lake. She would have laughed if she weren't still shivering with the effects of adrenaline. The other two shifted into slightly different versions of the Audi R8.

With the threat in retreat the new Autobots came to stand around Sideswipe and the strange creature he held close to him. They spoke rapidly in their native language and Aurian was instantly lost. She wasn't sure if they were excited or angry and Sideswipe's responses were no key to figuring it out, so her attention wandered. She looked over the complete devastation of the graveyard finding herself endlessly thankful it had not been a populated city in it's stead. The place was hardly recognizable as anything beyond burning metal and blackened earth.

Burning metal. Aurian's attention snapped to Sideswipe looking for the damage she knew was there. Apparently the Decepticon's shot had gone wide and had merely grazed his side, though the thick fluid running from the damage did not sooth Aurian's rising guilt. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have been shot. "Sides, you're hurt."

"It's nothing." Sideswipe assured her. The new mechs fell into a stunned silence as he had seamlessly shifted from their heated conversation to a completely calm tone to speak to the small creature he held protectively close to him.

"It doesn't look like nothing." She pointed out. She was prepared to go into a further explanation about how it wasn't 'nothing' but found herself cut short as she was suddenly plucked from the safety of Sideswipe's hand and gently placed into Ratchet's. 'When did they come over here?' She wondered briefly but that thought too was cut short as Ironhide hauled off and punched Sideswipe in the face hard enough to send the mech sprawling.

"What were you _thinking_?" He roared, moving to stand over the now prone mech, "She could have been _killed_!"

"I had it under control!" Sideswipe snapped back. Even laying prone on the ground he managed to give Ironhide a rather scathing look. "She's fine!" His optics only shifted to Aurian for a second before locking back on the looming mech.

"Fine?" Ironhide turned to consider Aurian as well, disapproval clear on his face, "She doesn't _look_ fine."

Aurian looked over herself at the comment. No, she really didn't look fine. Energon covered her arms and her hands had turned a most disconcerting shade of blue. Glowing blue, but still... Ratchet's inevitable scans interrupted her self examination and she shuttered. "Warn me first! Damn it Ratchet, I told you that."

The medic did not respond to her words, however she suddenly found herself faced with his quickly transforming medical tools. "Stay still." Was his only instruction before she felt a small prick of a needle penetrating her skin and it took every ounce of will power she had left to not jerk away from the sensation. She was thankful for whatever the medic had given her though as all the tension drained from her body and the pain that was only just beyond her acknowledgment was completely banished. She gave herself completely to whatever he wanted of her though she maintained a steady gaze on Sideswipe, the constant reminder that he had been shot because of her running through her head.

"That's not my fault." Sideswipe defended himself against Ironhide's accusation, though he didn't sound convinced of it himself.

"You brought her into _battle_! How is that _not_ your fault?" Ironhide may have been pissed but even he could see the doubt wavering in the younger mech's optics. He let his own scan the prone mech's form and lingered momentarily on the wound in his side, "And you let yourself get shot while you were at it. You were distracted." He sighed heavily, still angered but feeling slightly placated by his outburst he offered a hand to Sideswipe, "You know better than this Sides."

The three new mechs had stood by watching the exchange quietly but now that it seemed the argument had been diffused, Jolt stepped forward asking a question in Cybertronian.

Ironhide nodded and turned to face Ratchet and Aurian. "This is Miss Aurian Towns. She is a guest at our base." Aurian couldn't help but scoff at the word 'guest'. Guests were not forbidden to leave. "Aurian this is Jolt," he indicated the mech she had herself named earlier, "And these..." there was a very distinct lack of a label in Ironhide's introduction, "Are Skids and Mudflap."

"Hey." She flopped a hand through the air, her muscles responding sluggishly. "Sorry 'bout distracting you. I didn't mean it."

"You knew my name." Jolt spoke for the first time in a language Aurian could clearly understand and she found his voice rather pleasing when not cut up by the strange noises that made the Cybertronian language. "How?"

Both Ratchet and Ironhide laughed a little at the familiar question. Aurian only sighed, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." She looked over the two smaller bots, Skids and Mudflap and her mind clicked. "You two are twins, huh?"

Both of the smaller bots rushed up to where Ratchet held the placid woman, curiosity clear in their actions. "Hey, that's cool!" Mudflap declared.

"You can hack processors?" Sideswipe poked at her with his larger hand.

"No." Aurian tried to avoid the persistent digit and was soon rescued by Ratchet's own slapping the hand away. "I just put two and two together. You fight well together without talking so I had to assume that you have some kind of connection. I could only make one of two assumptions and twins fit better then the other."

With this the mech pulled back, a look of disgust on his face. "Ew! Like we was _bonded_ or somethin'? That's gross!"

"Like I'd bond with an ugly mug like yers!" Mudflap announced with a hearty punch to his twin's shoulder causing the other to stumble away a few feet before he returned the favor.

Ironhide was quick to apprehend the two squabbling mechs, pulling them apart and throwing them in opposite directions. Aurian thought he enjoyed it a bit too much for this not to be a common occurrence. 'I bet Optimus just loves having another set of twins under his command. As if Sides and Sunny weren't enough...' She looked around to find the leader of the Autobots and found that he was missing. "Where's Optimus?"

"He pursued the Decepticons to be sure they would not be up to any more trouble tonight." Ratchet explained rather factually. He was concentrating on what he was doing and had responded more out of habit then actual intention.

"What? Alone?" Aurian looked to Ironhide for confirmation.

"Optimus will be fine. He doesn't intend to engage." Ironhide explained easily. "With the 'Con's in full retreat we can concentrate on more important things."

"We need to return to base." Ratchet stated urgently, "I cannot treat all of your damage here."

"_All_ of my damage?" Aurian could feel the stress rise within her, though her muscles remained blissfully slack. "How bad off am I?" She looked over her body, the blue glow was proceeding up her arms along the previous lines, sprouting new ones as it went. She nearly screamed at the sight of her flesh boiling up and pulling away from its self. "Oh, Gods..."

Ratchet handed Aurian off to Ironhide who looked over her with growing concern. In an instant the CMO had transformed and his back doors stood wide awaiting his passenger. Ironhide did not need to be told what to do and he secured the woman inside. The last thing she saw before the doors slammed shut was Sideswipe's guilt stricken face, wide optics locked on her.

~****************~****************~****************~****************~**********

_Journal entry_ continued_; twice shy_

_The first time I had suffered energon burn I had been completely unconscious for the duration of the damage being done to me. This time, I was not so lucky. If it weren't for whatever powerful medication Ratchet had used I was pretty sure I would have been screaming from the pain. As it was I was hardly able to contain the screams of fear as I watched the burn creep up my arms. It was hard not to see the intense look on Ratchet's face as he rushed to stop the encroachment. I had a sinking feeling that if it reached my heart that would have been the end of it. Tick tock, Ratchet, tick tock._

_To top that, I realized I was already having a hard time breathing and my head was pounding relentlessly. I was pretty sure those were the reasons the medic had opted to not just knock me out while he tried to save my life. If there was damage in my head then putting me under might just be the equivalent of letting the energon flow through my system. Apparently falling as far as I had (couldn't have been more then a two story drop...right?) had caused some serious damage that the adrenaline had pushed off for me._

_Ratchet...I'm scared..._

_~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_Okay, so! Who wants to play 'guess the Deception'?

1: yes, they're real Decepticons with names and all!

2: yes, they were all three designed for the TF movies (although I think only 1 was actually seen in the 2nd movie...well, for a few seconds at any rate. Maybe 2, I'll have to go back and look again.)

3: their alt modes were taken from Wikipedia

4:...I'm not very good with Decepticons.

Okay, GO! (no prizes will be gifted...just the knowledge of knowing you can pick out a poorly described 'Con from an Autobot fangirl's fanfic! ^_~)

ALSO, before I get a whole bunch of 'he was just a last minute addition' about Jolt. I know he was. I know that Aurian _probably_ wouldn't have known for sure who he was but I decided 2 things. 1; there was discussion of a character that Jolt ended up being, though his name had not been decided on, and 2 I wanted to give him a little more light so...yeah. I still have a lot of reserch to do on the guy so I'm sorry if he seems too OOC here. Hope you can forgive.

OTHER THEN THAT HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!!!


	16. Journal Entry 16

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~LOL, thanx to all the people playing my 'guess the Decepticon' game. So far the only one that anyone has guessed correctly is Sideways, but he was pretty obvious I think. ^_^ I will not be reveiling them as of yet so the game will continue (if you want to play) until their reappearnce most likely! This chapter is..well..slow but then again I liked it so...hope you like it.**_

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; never out_

_Needless to say Ratchet saved my life. Again. I'm forever indebted to that mech._

_Several drugs, one repaired collapsed lung, a concussion and other severe bruising later I found myself meandering around the med bay in the middle of the night. Honestly I was really too drugged up to know what I was doing or where I was going, only that I had the desire to go somewhere. I'm sure if it wasn't for the drugs I wouldn't have been able to move at all, let alone walk around._

_I think I was feeling lonely or something because I know I wanted someone to talk to, even if it was just myself, however lucky me, there was an audio receptor available to me. Even if he was reluctant..._

_~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian stumbled over the prone form rather ungracefully. She imagined this is what it would feel like if she were to drink three shots of tequila, spin in circles until she was dizzy and take privileges with several illegal substances all at once. She laughed to herself.

The mech she was stumbling all over was not unaware of the human, nor was he thrilled that she was there _again._ However he had found himself rather fascinated by all the commotion the small creature had caused when the Autobot CMO came rushing into the med bay several orbital cycles ago. She had been once again poisoned by energon and from the rapid, clipped conversations he could hear he gathered that she had found herself in the middle of a fight between the Autobots and Decepticons and instead of doing what an intelligent being should have done, she had engaged in the battle herself. The fact that she came out _alive_ impressed him.

"Hey 'Cade." Aurian plopped herself down next to the mech's head, leaning back against his shoulder, "How are you today?" She looked at the still form that seemed to be completely ignoring her existence. "I guess it's not really 'today' is it? It's tonight. So how are you tonight then?" Still no answer. She patted his shoulder lightly, "That's okay. If I were you I'd be pretty slagged off too. I mean, I can't even handle laying around when I'm apparently 'severely damaged'," she mocked Ratchet's explanation of her condition, "I can't imagine what it would be like to be forced to lay around when there's really nothing wrong with you." She sighed and tipped her head back to look up at the ceiling. "I'm really sorry 'Cade. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy."

Aurian allowed the silence to resume, occasionally snickering about nothing in particular or sighing heavily.

"Why do you insist on pestering me?" Barricade couldn't keep to himself any longer. With no Autobots around to hear him he felt less pressed to maintain his silence.

"Because you're lonely."

"No such thing. One has to be left _alone_ to be lonely."

"'Cade, that's not true and you know it." Aurian twisted so she could still lean on the mech and look at him as well. "You've been in seclusion since the battle at Mission City and with Megatron's demise I don't imagine you're to keen on the idea of Starscream being in charge. Even if he was the one calling the shots while Megs was gone." Barricade didn't answer. "Besides, I think you're tired of all this fighting."

"I was created to fight."

"Whatever. No one's 'created to fight'. They're just driven to it. Or taken hostage by it." She sighed again. "I guess some people love fighting. I don't. It's scary."

"Scary?" Barricade snorted, "You have twice now engaged in battle with Decepticons and apparently come out on top and you think it's 'scary'?"

"Okay, let me rephrase that then; it's gut wrenchingly terrifying." She shivered as she replayed the battles in her mind. "I can't do it. I'm not made for that kind of stuff. Seeing people you care about getting hurt? Not sure if you're going to live or die? Maybe even _killing_ someone?" A soft whimper escaped her quickly tightening throat, "I mean, I thought I killed you and I couldn't stand it! And you were trying to kill _me!_ What kind of person does that make me? I'm such a coward."

"Cowards," Barricade wondered why he felt compelled to reassure the woman, "Do not fear for others. They do not fight to save themselves. They do not care if others are killed." Not for the first time Barricade wished he could at the very least move his head. He wanted to look at this human, to see her face. He kept telling himself it was to see the pain and suffering she was enduring but a small, quiet part of him said he secretly wanted to see the strength in that tiny form.

Aurian grunted softly. "Sides got hurt because I was distracting him. He could have been killed."

"He is the one who was foolish enough to bring a fleshling into battle. He deserved whatever he received for his indiscretion."

"No one deserves to die." Aurian found that the dip where the mech's neck and shoulder connected was rather comfortable and she made good use of it. "Everyone's got a reason for what they do. Even if it's a bad reason."

"What are you doing?" Barricade was disturbed at how close to him the woman was getting. True, she had made much use of his armor as any kind of furniture she deemed fit at the time but this seemed a little too personal.

"I'm tired."

"Then return to your berth."

"Too far."

"Your medic will be rather displeased if he finds you here."

"Don't care."

"Get off of me!" He was growing increasingly annoyed at his lack of mobility. When Aurian didn't answer he was left to growl to himself until the time that someone would come remove the being from him. "Parasite."

* * *

Ratchet entered the med bay and instantly felt a surge of something that might have been panic. His first action had been to scan Aurian, yet she was not where she should have been. The only thing staving off his rising discomfort was that she was _never_ where she was supposed to be. ::Ironhide, have you seen Miss Towns today?::

::No, why?:: Came the slightly perturbed response, ::Has she disappeared again?::

::Apparently.:: Ratchet was searching the med bay. The woman shouldn't have been able to go far without some kind of assistance, not in her condition. ::Have you seen Sideswipe today?::

::Can't say I have. If that aft has run off with her again I swear there won't be enough slag of him left to make a bolt with!::

::Calm down. I didn't mean to imply that he had taken off with her. I just wanted to check up on him.:: It wasn't entirely untrue. He did need to make sure that the patch was holding satisfactorily, however Ratchet could not in all honestly say that he didn't at least _suspect_ that the young mech was responsible for the woman's absence.

::Sure. And I just want to use his head to create an opening for an air ventilation unit.::

::Now, see, at least I have decent intentions.::

::Ventilation is decent.::

Ratchet sighed. ::I will contact him. I do not need you sending me another patient today. I have enough, thank you.::

::If he's causing trouble again, you're not the one he's going to need.::

Shaking his head with the futility of arguing with the weapons specialist Ratchet closed the communication. "Sideswipe, for your own safety I hope you have nothing to do with this." Again he searched the med bay. There was no sign of the woman anywhere and it really bothered the medic. Something in the back of his processor kept telling him he was missing something. ::Sideswipe, what is your location?:: There was a long pause. ::Sideswipe?::

::What?:: Came a rather snappy reply.

::Where are you?:: Ratchet started his morning routine. Standing around staring wasn't going to answer his question.

::My berth. Why?::

Alarm started creeping into Ratchet's systems; ::So you haven't seen Aurian today then?::

::Like I said, I'm rechargin'. Get to the point.::

Making sure to keep his voice calm Ratchet turned to survey the med bay again. ::How is your patch holding?::

::Fine.:: Sideswipe growled, ::Is that it?::

::Yes.:: Finally a bright color caught his attention, the same color of the humans patient coverings. "Aurian?" Then it occurred to him _where_ that little splash of color was residing. "I should have guessed." He grumbled as he approached the still Decepticon and the human that was... "Cuddling?" The evil glare he received from Barricade made it clear he was not amused. "How long has she been here?" Silence. "Hmm." A quick scan showed that, though it was getting close to time for her medication, she was apparently alright. "Well, I suppose it would be a shame to disturb her when she's resting so peacefully." This time he was awarded with a rather displeased snarl. Ratchet only laughed and went about his way. ::I have located her Ironhide, you do not need to dismantle Sideswipe.::

::Acknowledged.:: There was a large measure of relief in the transmission but Ratchet was sure he heard a touch of disappointment as well.

"Crisis averted." Ratchet moved on with his daily routine, monitoring Aurian every few kliks. She seemed peaceful in her rest and he half wondered if she somehow felt secure resting next to the Decepticon. Granted that notion did not sit well with him, however she had boasted quite often of how she believed Barricade not to be as vile as most Decepticons and how perhaps he may even be swayed to, if not change his allegiance at least agree to a truce between himself and the Autobot faction.

When she finally started to stir Ratchet was quick to be near. "Hold still." He instructed as he administered more medication.

"You couldn't have done that while I was still unconscious?" She whined pathetically.

"Hmm, I could have but then you might not have come back online and I need an update on your condition."

"I thought that's why you scan your patients?"

"That does not tell me how you _feel_." Taking her question as permission he did scan the woman. "You are healing but you appear stressed."

"You just _stabbed_ me. Of course I'm stressed." She rubbed a hand over the place Ratchet had injected her as she dragged herself into a sitting position. "Why am I out here?"

"A question I thought you might answer for me." Ratchet offered his hand to aid the woman back to the floor.

Aurian thought about where she was. Why had she come out here? 'Oh, right...lonely.' She considered the once again stoic mech she had used as her personal recliner that night. "Hey 'Cade." Her balance was no better then the previous night and she stumbled dangerously close to the edge of the berth, if not for Ratchet's quick reflexes she would have fallen over. "Thanks." She grumbled. "My equilibrium is off."

"Perhaps you should return to your berth and rest. You are still less then eighty four percent repaired."

"Human terms, Ratchet. I'm not a 'bot." Safe on the floor she stumbled until she got her barrings again. "Although I really think it would be easier if I were."

"You are still recovering, you need your rest." He nudged her in the correct direction, watching as the woman stumbled along. "Stubborn as any 'bot I've ever treated." He gave the Decepticon a pointed glare before moving on.

"Stubborn as any Decepticon I never wanted to meet." Barricade mumbled.

Aurian could feel the medication go straight to her head. As long as she could remember she had never experienced anything that did quite this to her. "Silly alien drugs. Wonder what the side effects are..." she continued mumbling the odd side effects she recalled from television commercials... "And in some cases death has occurred." She paused in her clumsy retreat back to her semi permanent med bay room. "Death? Ratchet wouldn't give me something that has a side effect of death...would he?"

"That depends on how badly you've slagged him off." Came a sarcastic reply.

Aurian spun to look at the mech, losing her balance as she did. "Sides!" She tipped one way and could not recover so decided to just give into gravity. Her fall was broken by a large hand that scooped her off the ground. "That's not a very nice thing to say." She grumbled.

"Maybe not, but true."

"Is not."

"Prove it."

"You're still standing." Aurian could not stop the grin from spreading across her face. Sideswipe found himself, for once, at a loss. "What are you here for?" There was only one reason Sideswipe ever came to the med bay and Aurian found herself suddenly concerned, "Is your side hurting? Is the patch not holding? Did something happen?"

"You've been hanging around Ratchet too long." He laughed a little, "I came to see you."

"Me?" She asked skeptically, "Sides you don't come to the med bay for anyone."

"That's not true." He turned to find a place they could sit and continue their conversation, "I've visited plenty of bots in the med bay throughout my life."

"While you were whole and completely functional? I doubt that."

"Despite what you may think, I am not completely self centered."

"No, thats S..." Aurian bit her tongue, hard, to keep her retort back. The damage had been done however.

"Sunny's job?" There was a touch of sorrow to Sideswipe's voice and a wave of pain crossed over his features but other then that he showed no signs that she had offended him. "You're right on that. Fragger's the center of his own universe." He placed her on a bench that was designed for bots in a 'waiting room' set up and sat down beside her.

Aurian more collapsed then sat but she was happy to not be trying to walk. "I'm sorry Sides. I really wish I knew where he was. They just didn't cover that."

"It's okay." He poked the wobbly human causing her to fall over. "He's alright. That hard aft's too stubborn to die." Aurian struggled to regain a sitting position, "How are you doin'?"

"I'm fine." Glaring at the offending appendage that was poised to defeat her struggles yet again. "Why are you really here?"

"As I stated, I'm here to see you."

"Why?"

Sideswipe looked offended by the simple question, "Do you not _want_ me here? 'Cause I'll leave. It's not like I _enjoy_ spending unnecessary time in Ratchet's reach."

"No! It's not that. Its just that after what happened I guess I thought you would rather stay away from me. I tend to cause far more trouble then I'm worth." Suddenly her hands were far more interesting then anything else in the room. "You got hurt because of me."

"I got...me?" Sideswipe stammered, looking down at the woman who refused to look at him. "But...you...I..." He growled with frustration and grabbed the woman bringing her up to his optic level. "_I_ got hurt because of _you_?" Nudging her head until she had no choice but to look at him Sideswipe lowered his voice to make sure she heard him clearly. "_You_ were almost _killed_ because _I_ wasn't protecting you like I _said_ I would!" When fluid started running from her eyes Sideswipe was afraid he may have injured the frail human further. He hurriedly put her down and stood to go get Ratchet.

"Sideswipe!" Her voice sound pained and his fear lept through the scales, "You could have _died_!" He froze immediately. "I _saw_ that Decepticon shoot you and I thought you _were _dead. I couldn't even do anything to help you, I just got in the way! Even Jolt got distracted because of me! Everywhere I go, everything I do I hurt someone or say something I shouldn't say. I can't keep doing this!"

Sideswipe was unsure what to say or do. Obviously the woman was hurting but now he didn't believe it was due to her injuries or anything he had done to her. She looked as though she was afraid of losing something precious, a feeling he was all too familiar with.  
"I just want to go home Sides. No one gets hurt because of me..." Wiping angrily at her face Aurian laughed a little, "Unless maybe they're standing too close when I'm trying to put something back together. But _that_ doesn't get people killed."

"Aurian..."

"No. I'm fine. It's just the medicine that Ratchet gave me...makes me not myself. I'm sorry." She looked around slowly, "I should probably go to bed and sleep it off. Could you..."

Without another word Sideswipe scooped her up, but instead of depositing her on the floor like she requested, or turning toward the patient rooms he left the med bay altogether.

"Hey, where are you going?"

Sideswipe did not answer. He did not look at her and he did not pause when the two newly arrived twins stumbled in front of him mid brawl. He simply kicked them aside and continued past the human facilities and on to one of the underground tunnel exits the Autobots used when they were headed away from base; a measure taken to help keep its location more secured.

"Sides, seriously, where are you going?"

"You requested to return home." He gently placed her on the ground and began his transformation sequence.

"But, I can't. They'll come after me...after you. Isn't this like disobeying orders?"

Sideswipe's door popped open inviting the woman in. "Ironhide himself said you were a guest." The door swung a little on its hinges. "Guest indicates that you are free to leave at your own discretion. I will escort you home."

Aurian really wanted to argue the point further. After all, Sideswipe would surely be held responsible for her absence and it had already been made clear that she was not 'cleared' to leave, but she was tired and weary. She wanted nothing more then to crawl into her own bed and sleep for a full day. She wanted to wake up in the morning and find out this had all been some insanely obscure dream after watching too much T.V. Most of all, at that very moment, she wanted to sit.

Once the woman was secured inside, Sideswipe turned his attentions to getting off the base unnoticed. He had chosen one of their lesser used exits knowing that at the very least he would not run into any of the other Autobots. Humans however...well, he just had to convince them he was only interested in going for a drive...with no driver...simple.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; good night_

_I'm really not sure how Sides got away from the base apparently unnoticed, but I was so happy when I saw my apartment complex come into view. It was like a dream...I had been so sure I would never see it again!_

_I can't say I didn't feel a little anxiety when I stepped away from Sides...would I ever see him again? Was he going to get arrested? Why was he doing this?_

_Locked within my familiar abode once more I couldn't help but to cry. I really did want to be home but now the mere notion that I may never see the Autobots again was too much to handle. Yeah, while I was there, in the folds of chaos I had thought it felt like a dream turned nightmare but now I kind of thought it was more like having been welcomed home. Scary, alien infested, things trying to kill you and stuck in lockdown kind of home...but still._

_~Aurian Fae_


	17. Journal Entry 17

_Journal entry; morning yearning_

_My alarm clock seemed like a foreign sound the next morning. It always went off at the same time every day. Four fifteen._

_For a moment, a strange, blissful moment I thought that I _had_ just had a wonderfully messed up dream. For a moment I smiled at all the shocked faces I had looked upon as I randomly revealed moments of their lives that no one had been privy to. For a moment I was horribly sad that it had all been a dream an those friendships I had worked so hard to achieve were only wishful thinking._

_Then I moved..._

_~ Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Searing, burning agony ripped through Aurian's entire body wrenching all the air from her lungs and leaving her to writhe silently in pain. Her mind screamed for her to stop moving but her body demanded to get away from the pain. She managed to choke in some air, only to have it come back out in a piercing scream.

'Calm down!' She demanded of herself after what felt like an eternity of blinding pain. 'Breath. Move slowly and let your muscles work it out.' She coached each muscle to move, figuring out exactly what hurt and what didn't as she flexed, rotated and released each muscle. A few minutes later she was shuffling around her apartment looking for the bottle of pain killers she _knew_ she had somewhere. "Damn it why can't I put things in places that make _sense_!" She slammed shut the medicine cabinet and winced with the pain that shot through her shoulders.

There was a firm pounding on her door and she growled in frustration the whole way to it. "Who in their right mind comes pounding on someone's door at this hour in the morning?"

"This is the police!" A voice shouted shortly before another round of banging.

"Oh."

"We were called about a disturbance, open up!"

"I'm coming!" She called out trying to keep her voice calm and even. How was she going to explain herself? She looked like...well, like she had been in a battle with giant alien robots but somehow she didn't think the police would believe that. "Hold on."

When she did open the door it was to reveal a stern looking man who instantly took in the strange marks on her arms and then the bruises that splotched nearly all of her skin. "Ma'am? Are you alright?"

Aurian scoffed as she opened the door far enough for the man and his partner, a rather disapproving looking woman who was already scouring the apartment for someone to blame her injures on. "We received an emergency call at about four thirty claiming that there was a woman screaming from this apartment..." the woman trailed off as she looked over Aurian.

"Yeah, that was me. I didn't realize I had been that loud." She crossed her arms over her chest hoping to at least cover up some of the attention grabbing marks. "I had a rather bad accident a few days ago and I'm still recovering, as you can see. I forgot to take my pain medication before I went to bed and woke up rather regretful."

"There is no one here with you?" The woman questioned further, she obviously didn't believe Aurian's story.

"No."

"Was there anyone here before we arrived?"

"No." Aurian sighed. The male cop had stepped back into the hallway and was mumbling something over his radio that she was sure had something to do with domestic abuse and a woman who was in denial. "I swear, there hasn't been anyone in this apartment for several days. I was out of town, had an accident and came home shortly after. If you don't mind, I'd really like to find my pain medicine and go back to bed."

"Right." The woman looked past Aurian to her partner, "Well, let me leave you my card. If you have _any_ problems, any at all, you should call." Aurian reached for the offered card but her hand was snatched before she could touch it. "What happened to your hand?"

Biting back a wail of pain Aurian tried her best to grit an answer through clinched teeth, "Burn..." Was all she could manage.

The officer continued to cling to the stiffened limb and examine the strange spiderweb wounds that ran the length. "You should be in a hospital."

"No, I'm fine." She tried to pull away and found herself against a rather immovable wall of human muscle. The other officer had returned from his private conversation and was looking down at her with a carefully guarded expression.

"Miss Towns, did you realize you had been reported as a missing person several days ago?" He grabbed her arm, gently, not causing any pain and Aurian found herself instantly liking this man.

"No I didn't. Who..?"

"The report was filed by a family member. You had apparently disappeared from your place of employment and no one has heard from you for several days."

"I was visiting some friends out of town."

"And you come back looking like this?" The officer had a look about him that made Aurian feel like she was lying to her mother. "What really happened?"

'You wouldn't believe me if I told you...' "I was in a car accident, got a bad chemical burn, was in a hospital for several days and just recently came home to recover." She pulled away from both of the officers, her mind already returning to her search for the pain killers. "Please, I really just want to get back to bed."

Obviously still not buying her story both officers shared a concerned look before making sure Aurian had several 'helpful' phone numbers and finding their way out of her apartment.

Her search soon abandoned for the ease of sitting, Aurian could just feel the edges of sleep returning when her phone rang. "Seriously?" She considered just letting it go as she reached for the small device. "Hello?"

"Aurian! Where have you _been_?!" A voice screeched through the phone.

"Roddi?"

"Are you alright? What happened? That military man was all over the lab after you left and then you didn't come back and I was _sure_ they had taken you off somewhere to 'shut you up' after you were digging around in that thing that I gave you and I'm _so sorry_! If I'd known that it was going to cause a problem I'd never have given it to you in the first place!"

"Roddi, breath." Aurian tried to translate the stream of words that had been thrown at her. "I'm fine. It's not your fault and the military did not try to 'shut me up'." 'Well, at least they never said anything about shutting up...' "Am I in trouble with the big guys there?"

"Uh...no." It was obvious the man was holding back on further questions, "I guess someone high up in the line called in for you, said you were going on a business trip and wouldn't be back for a while."

"Business trip?"

"What? It wasn't? Really, tell me what happened Aurian!"

"Oh, it was business alright. Just not what I'm used to."

Roger was silent on the other end for a while before he continued, "Auri, you don't sound too good."

"Eh, had an accident, I'm a little bruised up is all."

"What?!" There was the distinct sound of things falling and being shuffled around. "I'm coming over."

"Roddi, no..."

"Shut it Aurian. You go suddenly missing and won't talk when you finally do show? No, I'm coming over. Do you want me to get you anything?"

Aurian sighed, when Roger got something in his mind it was set and there was nothing you could do about it. "Can you grab some pain killers, I can't seem to find mine."

~ * ~ *~ *~ *~ * ~

Roger was a sensible man. Or at least in most cases he was sensible. He had a nice home, a good job and a loyal dog that he walked three times a day around the block to the city park where they would play for a good length of time before returning home. From time to time he'd been known to work late, especially when working late meant working with a certain female coworker that excelled in reverse engineering.

When Aurian had run out of the lab several days back he had been concerned. She had looked rather pale and scared and the fact that that military man had confiscated the device she had been working on before scouring the entire place for anything else he deemed 'belonged to the military', hadn't helped his own anxiety.

Unlike his usual sensible self he had resorted to calling her house every chance he had, trying to contact her. Days had passed. He drove by looking for her car to find it too was gone.

Questioning the boss on whether or not Aurian still had a job had turned out rather disturbing answers. They claimed that Aurian had been recruited for an out of town business trip and would not be returning for an unknown amount of time. He hadn't believed them.

So he called. Every day before he left for work, during lunch and several times after he got home he called hoping just once she would pick up the phone and tell him that she was alright. Then she did. But she wasn't alright. She said she was fine, then said she'd been in an accident.

'Pain killers?' Aurian fought over not taking medications for as long as he had known her. Something about the drugs screwing with her ability to think strait and she hated it. Whatever happened to her was big and he wasn't going to ignore it.

Tires squealing he tore into her apartment parking lot and slammed on his brakes crawling out of the car almost before it was fully stopped. A quick search revealed that her car was still missing. 'Must have totaled it in the accident...' His heart was racing and he wasn't sure why as he lept up the stairs to the floor Aurian's apartment was on. Her door was there, intact. He hadn't realized that he'd expected to find it busted down and strewn about in small splinters.

Knocking softly he called out for her, almost afraid she wouldn't answer, that she was gone again. "Auri?" His heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his ears.

"Come in Roddi, it's unlocked." She sounded so tired.

Opening the door revealed the apartment to be as it had always been. All the exotic little knick knacks covering every conceivable flat surface, odd paintings on the walls. Her kitchen was clean, not immaculate but well within the range of acceptance. The carpets were vacuumed, the living room was neat...and Aurian was curled in a ball on the recliner. "Aurian!" He rushed over to her, afraid of what he would see yet needing to.

Aurian's vision was blurry but she could clearly see the concern on Roger's face. "Hey, it's not as bad as it looks."

He held up a small paper bag so she could see it, "Bad enough you asked for pain killers? I'd have to say it's worse then it looks...and it looks pretty bad. You sure you're not supposed to be in a hospital?"

"No. I'm fine."

"Auri, your hands are blue..." he held onto the shaking appendage as she struggled to a sitting position, "and glowing!"

Aurian looked at her hands, a touch of panic speeding up her own heart rate. "Crap..."

"What is that? And this!" He traced a lite finger over the spiderweb marks on her arms.

"Chemical burn..." Her mind raced. What was she supposed to do now? She had thought that the energon was clear from her system!

"What kind of chemical? I've never seen anything like this! Not even from the hazardous materials we handle at the lab...Auri, what have you gotten into?" Roger finally took a moment to take in everything he was seeing. Aurian was pale, shivering, covered in bruises and had some strange blue glow to her hands that was creeping up her arms...and she looked absolutely petrified. "I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No."

"Now!" Roger started to pick up the slack woman, determined to be the hero and drag her kicking and screaming to the nearest emergency ward he could find.

"Roddi, no! They can't help me there..." What was she going to do? The only one who could help her was Ratchet and as far as she knew he didn't know where she was. She didn't know how to get back to him either... "Fuck!"

"Tell me what's going on. Right now." Roger hefted the woman into his arms. He didn't care what she said, she needed help and he was damn well going to be sure she got it.

"Was there a car outside?"

"You gotta be more specific then that...it's a parking lot." He turned to head out the door but Aurian started wiggling making it hard to hold onto her.

"A Chevy Stingray...a new one...was it out there in my parking spot?"

"No...Aurian, why are you worried about a car? You're in trouble, now let me take you to..."

"Roddi, I said no!" She pushed away from him, stumbling as her feet hit the floor, new waves of pain echoing through her body. "I've got to get back to the base..." She moaned, "Ratchet can help me."

"Who's he?" Roger was not pleased with how things were going. This all sounded so suspicious and he wanted to save Aurian from it, whatever it was, but he was finding himself left so out of the loop he didn't know how to begin. "How do we get to him?"

"'We' can't. I have to go alone." She collapsed back on the recliner. Sideswipe had dropped her off and left. Why had she thought he might stay? He couldn't just hang out and wait for her. He was a soldier with a job to do. A job he was damn good at. 'Or he's in the brig.' She admitted to herself. It was highly likely that the others had found him and dragged him away...or that he had gone back to base and was immediately locked up.

"Sorry Aurian, but I'm not letting you out of my sight. Not with you looking like this. Something bad has happened to you and I'll be damned if I let you face it alone! Not when it's my fault you're in this mess in the first place!"

Aurian was momentarily stunned out of her desperate thoughts. "Your fault?"

"I gave you that damned piece of junk that started all of this."

"Jazz..." She couldn't help but to think of that day that seemed so long ago when she had simply been eagerly exploring the inner workings of some mysterious device that had come from Mission City. "No, Roddi, it's not your fault. I opened my mouth, said something I shouldn't have said...you know me." She laughed a little through her rising sense of dread, "I'd have mouthed off to that Major anyway and still would have ended up right where I am..." A thought occurred to her, "Did that guy leave a contact number?"

"What?"

"Major Lennox, they guy who came and got...the devise. Did he leave a card, or a contact number at the lab?"

Roger closed his eyes hard and shook his head slowly. This just wasn't making sense. "Auri, you need a doctor not a Major..."

"Major Lennox can get me to Ratchet. Ratchet can help me, he was helping me until I was dumb and came home instead of staying put like he told me to." She considered her hands and the slowly creeping blue light. Damn it, she thought she was done with this! Her only consolation was that the encroachment was very slow and no where near as violent as it had previously been. Only light this time, not boiling, tearing flesh and new webs sprouting to torment her skin further. She also noticed that it didn't hurt. 'Is that good or bad?' She wondered to herself.

"Oh. Uh, yeah. I think he left a card or something. Said if we saw any more tech like that thing to call him first. Said it was important or something like that." He surveyed the apartment seeking out Aurian's phone, "I can call the lab, see if someone's got it."

"Thank you Roddi. I know this is all really weird but trust me, okay?"

He paused in his dialing to look at the woman. She was so sincere, she knew what she was doing but that didn't settle the sickening feeling in his guts. She was in trouble and he was helpless to do anything about it. 'Like Hell I am.' His mind set to his duty. He would be sure she got the help she needed and he was going to be beside her the whole way, whether she liked it or not.

Aurian saw the look. She knew what he was thinking. How was she supposed to convince him that he was not only not allowed to follow her but that he _really_ didn't want to? "Roddi..."

He held up a hand to stop whatever she was about to say and turned away so he didn't have to see her pleading look. Someone picked up on the other end and he delved into the conversation completely. "Hi, this is Roger Campton, I need to see if anyone there still has the contact number for Major Lennox." A pause, "Yes, he was there a couple of weeks ago...yes...no...I just need...but...is Conny there then?" With a heavy sigh he ended the call and turned to look at Aurian, "They won't give me the number over the phone."

"Could you..."

"I'm not going to leave you alone. Not like this. Come on." He helped the woman back to her feet, he considered picking her up again but the look she gave him stated clearly that if he did she was going to hurt him in ways he would regret forever.

"Hey...let me get dressed and take some of that medicine first."

Roger nodded and allowed the woman to do as she deemed necessary, content in the fact that she was at least allowing him to help her. He wondered over to the back glass door to wait for her and something caught his eye. "Auri? What kind of car did you say was supposed to be in your spot?"

"A Stingray...why?"

"Um, cause there's one out back...in the ditch..."

~******************~******************~******************~******************~**

_Journal entry _continued_; don't fall down_

_Oh, Gods..._

_Sides was in the ditch. Not just in the ditch, he was upside down in the ditch and he looked _bad_! What happened? Why didn't I hear anything? Where were the others? If he had been in trouble, wouldn't he have called for back up?_

_~Aurian Fae_


	18. Journal Entry 18

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Alrighty! Here we go again. I actually kinda enjoyed this chapter...I didn't like it much at first but loved where it went. Hope you feel the same!**_

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; time_

_When you need it, there's never enough and when you don't want it, it goes on forever._

_My pain was forgotten as I ran down the stairs to the ally behind my apartment complex. I think I was screaming Side's name the whole way because the few people leaving for work at that ungodly hour were giving me strange looks. When I reached the silver vehicle I was only slightly relieved when I heard the soft murmur of the radio crackling. That is until what he was desperately trying to say finally registered in my head..._

_"Run..."_

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Run..." Sideswipe's voice was soft over the speakers and Aurian wasn't sure if it was because he was trying to be quiet or if he was just that damaged.

"Sides, where are the others? Have you called for them?"

"Run..." This time his voice was slightly firmer and came more as a growl.

"Auri, is this _your_ car?" Roger had caught up with her and was looking at the damaged vehicle with something between awe and sorrow. "Who would do this?"

"Did you call the others?" Aurian ignored Roger's presence and pressed Sides for answers while she looked over his damaged form, searching for anything that looked 'severe'.

"Slag it Aurian, Run!" This time there was no attempt to keep his voice from reaching other ears. The only thing that drew Aurian from her detailed search was the sound of someone familiar shouting.

"What the fuck! That car just _talked!_" Instead of running away, as most freaked out humans would do, Roger ran forward to inspect the car.

"AI, Roddi, don't be dense." Her heart pounded in her throat. If it was important enough for Sideswipe to blow his cover it was important enough for her to take Roger and get the Hell away. "Go get your car, we need to get to the lab and get Will's number."

Roger didn't know if he believed what Aurian said but he could see in her eyes that it was time to get out and he was the only one with a vehicle. "Come with me."

"I need to make sure every things at least settled with the car, I'll meet you around the corner, okay?"

The way her hand constantly stroked the undercarriage of the car did not escape Roger's notice. It was almost as though she were trying to reassure someone. "You're not going to go do something dumb are you?"

"Roddi," Aurian couldn't help but laugh, "you know me."

"Yeah..." He ran. That was all he could think to do. He had to get his car and get to Aurian before she found some way to disappear again.

Aurian crouched down and leaned in close to the car. "I'm going Sides, but you have to tell me you called the others."

"Disruptor."

"What?" 'Disruptor', that meant something worth remembering, she knew.

"I can't call anyone," his voice was strained and Aurian knew he was fighting just to stay online, "there's a disruptor somewhere around here. Please Aurian, get away before they come back."

"Come back? Sides if there's 'Con's around here I can't leave you alone! Not like this!"

"What are you going to do Aurian? Look at yourself! I can't protect you and you're already damaged badly...Pit." Sideswipe's entire form shuttered a little.

"Damn it." She looked up as she heard squealing tires. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"Aurian! Come on!" Roger was quickly approaching, obviously not content to wait in the car for her.

"I'm sorry Sides...hold on, okay? I'm gonna go to the lab and call Will, he'll get Ratchet and you'll be okay..."

"I'm fine, just get out of here."

"That's just creepy..." Roger gently grabbed Aurian's arm and started pulling her toward his own vehicle.

"Human, keep her safe if you value your life." Sideswipe's voice rang out loud and clear and neither human standing close enough to realize the car had just spoken had any doubt what he was implying.

"Okay, more then creepy." Roger led Aurian toward his still running vehicle, though he could not help but to spare the upturned car another look. 'AI my ass.' "You're going to have to explain."

"Not now, Roddi." 'Not ever.' She added silently. There was only a small surge of guilt with that thought. Roger had been slightly more then an office friend, they often met up outside of work and hung out together but she dare not say it went beyond that. She knew it was best for him to never know what was going on with her, he'd be safe that way, but he was always there for her when she needed him...had always been there anyway.

They got in Roger's car and pulled away. Aurian's gaze never left the inverted vehicle as long as she could see it. Oddly enough, Roger thought he saw the car stretch out as they rounded the corner. 'Just my imagination.' He reassured himself.

It seemed as though Roger's normal speed-limit-times-two way of driving was not fast enough for Aurian. She fidgeted in her seat, constantly looking out the back window or playing with her hands. "You're going to be okay." Roger tried to sooth the woman.

"It's not me I'm worried about." She sounded so regretful Roger couldn't help but wonder yet again how much more to this situation there was that he didn't know about.

Aurian couldn't stop her mind from spinning. Sideswipe was in trouble and she had left him alone! How could she have done that?

They reached the lab in record time and Aurian was practically tearing the door off the car trying to get out.

"Auri, wait! You should just stay here, I'll go get the number."

"I need to call Major Lennox and tell him what's going on!"

"Yeah, and if you walk into the lab looking like this you don't think they're not going to call a hazard team in? If I'm gonna get you to this 'Ratchet' guy, you have to stay in the car and wait."

"Oh." It made perfect sense, especially with the way the blue glow was creeping up her arms. "Hurry..."

Roger lept from the car and ran for the building that he had once looked at as somewhere he enjoyed spending his time. Suddenly it looked like an imposing obstacle that he had to figure out how to negotiate.

Aurian tried to sit still and wait. Roger would get the number and then she could call Will and everything would be fine. Everything would be fine. 'I left him alone!' She couldn't stop the thought from resurfacing every few seconds. 'He told me to. He knows what he's doing, he's an ancient warrior. He's hurt and I left him alone!' She couldn't stay in the car, she had to get up and move. It didn't matter if she was in pain, it didn't matter if there was still energon poisoning her system, she just had to _move_!

No sooner did she abandon the vehicle that was protecting her from sight did the machine vanish in a cacophony of shrieking metal and squealing tires.

Aurian looked on in an emotional void as she watched Roger's once pristine black sports car crumple beneath the power of the red Audi R8. She knew that car. She had seen it once before. "Well, crap." Was her all too simplistic statement to this new turn in events. What was she supposed to do now? Run? Probably wouldn't get far. Attack? Probably futile in her current state. 'Maybe I can just play dead and he'll go away.' She watched with distanced fascination as the mech triggered his transformation sequence and crouched down in front of her. Something about his motions triggered a distant memory in Aurian's mind. The mech held himself low to the ground as if ready to pounce, using all four limbs instead of standing upright. 'Who did that?'

Growling sounds filled the air, Cybertronian, Aurian noted. He was talking to her.

"I don't speak Cybertronian." The mech reeled back, stunned it seemed.

"So you do understand..." he snarled, "Interesting. Not that it matters." He crawled toward her and Aurian knew, somewhere deep down inside, that she needed to do something.

"I wouldn't say I understand." Why was she holding a conversation with a mech that was interested in nothing more then destroying her. "More or less that I know a little more then average."

"So I see." The mech sighed, _sighed_ as he lifted his hand from the ground. "Your demise will come soon enough, it doesn't matter what you know."

She watched the hand come toward her. Would he crush her or grab her? Why did that matter? How was she going to get out of this one?

"WHAT THE FUCK!" The shout seemed to echo for several minutes before Aurian turned her shocked eyes toward Roger. He was standing in the doorway to the building, one hand still propping the door open and his eyes were fixed on the mech crouching over her.

"Well...crap." Aurian was astounded by her own lack of importance to the whole situation. "Roddi! Go back inside!"

"What the Hell is _that_?" Much to her dread Roger was coming closer instead of running like he should have.

"Roddi!"

"Foolish human." The Decepticon's attention turned to the new being. "You willingly walk to your own death. Not that your life span is long at any rate, so what does it matter if you perish now or in a vorn."

Aurian finally found the urgency she knew she should have had to begin with as she ran toward the man that was still stricken by the sight of the giant alien robot that had every intention of destroying him. How she got there first? She didn't know, nor did she care. Shoving Roger bodily back into the building fear began to settle into her system. "Go!" She screamed. "We've got to get to a phone!"

"What was that?!"

"Not now, Roddi! Phone!"

She hauled him through the entryway to the guard station. Here they could clearly see the parking lot and Aurian only found a small part of her brain to wonder why the Decepticon outside didn't simply destroy the building, or shoot them since he could clearly see them just as well as they could see him. Yet he just crouched there, staring.

Grabbing a phone and astutely ignoring the alarmed demands of the guard stationed behind the desk Aurian grabbed Roger's shoulder, shaking him. "The number, Roddi! Where's the number?"

"H-here." He handed her a small piece of paper with a number scratched onto it in his sloppy style, his own attentions not being diverted from the strange metallic being looming just beyond the entryway.

Aurian dialed hurriedly, having to hang up twice due to missing the right key as she dialed. "Hurry up Will!" She urged as the phone rang.

"Major Lennox." Came a cool voice.

"Will! I need you to get the guys and get out here _now_!"

"Aurian? Where the _Hell_ are you?" His voice went from calm to angry faster then Aurian could register.

"No time for that Will! Sides in a ditch at my apartment, he looks bad and I'm kinda having a stare down with a Decepticon right now."

There was silence for a full ten seconds, then; "_WHAT_?"

"Come on Will, your a Major. You're supposed to process faster then that."

"Are you somewhere safe?"

"Um," Aurian considered the Decepticon glaring in at them, "Maybe. He doesn't seem to be coming after us...but uh, we can't exactly get out of here."

"Where are you?" The distinct sound of engines filled the background and Aurian felt a touch of relief knowing that they were getting on their way.

"I'm at the lab. Please go get Sides...he's alone."

"How are you? Ratchet's...worried."

"Throwing wrenches?"

"Among other things."

Aurian laughed at the mental image her brain supplied to the thought. "Awesome...wait, no, not so awesome. Damn. I'm fine for now. Just get to Sideswipe, please!" A touch of panic gripped her as she remembered the mech, defenseless in his alt mode, stranded _upside down_ in the ditch behind her apartment.

"We're going in teams. We'll get to both of you as soon as we can." There was a pause then; "Did you say the Decepticon was staring at you?"

Looking at the menacing mech again showed that he had reverted to his alt mode and his engine was revving dangerously. "Well, he _was_...I think he's..." Aurian dropped the phone as she was yanked by strong hands. The Decepticon had apparently grown tired of the standstill and was now plowing through the rows of supposedly bullet proof glass.

Roger led the way dragging Aurian behind him, a firm grip around her wrist. Right now whatever hurt he might be causing her was of little concern beside ensuring that she survive this encounter. "Aurian! Tell me what is going on!"

"Not right now Roddi!" They rounded a corner that the Decepticon would have to struggle to get around, not that he couldn't just that it would take him a moment longer then them. "We've got to get everyone out of the building. He's not gonna stop for pedestrians!" She searched for something, anything to give her an _idea_ of what to do. A silver disk on the ceiling caught her attention. "Perfect!" She pushed past Roger in their run to search for the thing that would alert everyone to the need to evacuate in a hurry. Around the next corner she found it. A small box that looked an awful lot like a fire alarm except it was yellow and had a large red biohazard symbol emblazoned on it. Without any hesitation she slammed her fist through the protective glass layering and into the button triggering a loud wailing noise to drown out any other sound.

A pain wracked scream fought for intensity with the hazard klaxon and Aurian snickered at the thought of those oh-so-sensitive audio receptors backfiring on the superior mech. Not that her own head wasn't ringing like the inside of a church bell but the idea that he was suffering worse then her was enough retribution to satisfy her. 'Someday these mechs will learn to be careful _who_ they try to squish!'

Bursting out of one of the emergency exits, Aurian led Roger away from the building. She was fearful that if one Decepticon was there, then another wouldn't be far behind.

"Where are we going?" He demanded, though he did not slow his pace any. Like Hell he wanted that metal monster to catch up with them!

"I don't know!" Aurian admitted. They needed somewhere to hide. 'Damn, this never works! Why is there never anywhere to hide?'

Dread shivered through her as she heard more screeching tires and the silver Audi R8 spun around the building they had been headed toward. "Fuck me!" She spun and dragged Roger with her into an alleyway, hoping beyond hope that the narrow path was too small for the mech to follow them.

The roars of frustration told her that her hopes had been granted and that they were safe from the mech. Well, she thought they were safe. The odd noise of energy gathering perked her ears and she knew, quite suddenly, that they were both dead. Her only hope lay ten feet in front of them, an alcove that gave space for a fire escape to be housed in the narrow pathway.

"Duck!" She screamed as she pulled Roger with her into the alcove just as blinding light and searing heat skimmed past them. Hearts racing and gripping onto one another out of sheer need for affirmation of their own existence the two humans shivered.

"_What was that?_" Roger whispered, afraid that if he spoke too loudly everything around them may crumble leaving them open to the being that had so nearly destroyed them.

"Shhh!" Aurian pulled Roger closer to her, willing him to be silent. If the Decepticon thought that he had destroyed them, he would move on and then they would be safe.

They listened as the brick surrounding them crackled with the sudden heat they had been exposed to, some of the more fragile ceramic cracking and even crumbling under the pressure. There was clicking noises, grumbling and the sound of something impacting the building with great force. He knew they were still there.

"Roddi, stay right here." She instructed as she tried to pull away from the man.

"No." He stated rather strongly for a man who just nearly found himself completely obliterated by an alien. "You're not going anywhere."

"No, I'm not." She gave him a wan smile, truly she had no idea what it was she intended to do. "I'm just gonna look." Roger reluctantly released his firm grip on her, hands sliding down her arm to her hand and held tight to that instead. Aurian accepted the release for what it was. Roger was afraid, not just for himself but for her too and he didn't want her too far away from him. Sure, there was no way he could protect her from the Decepticon, but the notion was still sweet.

Peeking around the corner she could just see the large mech pacing at the end of the ally. He spotted her and instantly raised his gun again. She threw herself back into their cubbyhole, heart pounding and thoughts racing. They wouldn't be safe there for long, eventually he would figure out how to get to them. Another blast tore through the ally, heat rolled over the two cowering humans and more brick tumbled to the ground.

"This place isn't gonna hold up much longer..." Aurian didn't know what her solution to this situation was, but it felt progressive to state the obvious. They both searched for a way out and both came to the same conclusion; the fire escape. "You know, in the movies it never works out well for the idiots that go _up_ in the chase scene."

"Yeah, well, they also weren't being chased by giant robots." Roger stated as he reached up for the expendable latter.

Aurian laughed, it was a short bark of denial, "Didn't really work for Sam either."

~*******************~*******************~*******************~******************

_Journal entry_ continued_; can't find a way_

_Never in my life had I felt so hopeless. Will and the Autobots where _hours_ away, Sideswipe was in a ditch _alone_ and hurt and I was running on empty trying to keep Roddi out of harms way with two Decepticons actively hunting us out._

_Hunting us out? No...they were after _me_! Why were they after me?_

_We climbed the fire escape. I knew it was a mistake. We reached the top just as the first mech to attack me, the red one, climbed over the ledge of the roof. He had been intending to come after us from above while the silver mech kept us trapped...damn...didn't see that coming._

_~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_AN: And so the game continues. The silver Audi R8 has already been identified by many of you as Sideways, this is correct...but who is the red one? I admit that all the information I have on him is from wikipedia and my own little imagination as to how that information was put into play. Can you guess? I might have a reward for anyone who guesses right...what? I don't know...we'll see...I'm just really enjoying this game!


	19. Journal Entry 19

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Wanted to note that we've had two people 'guess the decepticon' correctly! The two cons that appeared in the last chapter were Sideways and Dead End. I know there's some questions about the 'walking on all fours' part. Essentially I know little about the Decepticons, being an Autobot fangirl that I am I hardly bothered with them. Now with story writing and all am finding them importiant sooooo...I use Wiki a LOT. Wiki described a con created for the movies but never used as Dead End; a pessimistic, unmotivated Con who prefered to walk on all fours instead of upright. He's not vain but he does spend way too much time polishing his armor under the guise of 'Deactivation is inevitable I might as well leave a good looking body behind'. Also that he is working for Megatron because he wasn't doing anything else...Hope that clears up some! (and for any of you out there who are Dead End fans, if this doesn't fit well to your liking please forgive me. I'll take any tips on his character as there's not a whole lot of clear info on him other then color and some mannerisims.) At any rate!!**_

**Congratulations to: Darklight8121 and Tenshi of Light21!! Winner Winner! Your prize is...um...you win? LOL, if I think of something, you'll get it.  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee (specifics to be mentioned at a later date ^_~) and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; ray of light_

_So, we were doomed. I think I was ready to give into it. I was already halfway there anyway, right? Energon was once again creeping in my veins and I hurt like Hell. What was a little crushing? But Roddi? Roddi didn't deserve this! He hadn't been involved, he had simply wanted to help me! Damn it why did everyone who tried to help me get hurt?_

_I was crying. Why not? If this was the end, shouldn't I at least be allowed to let out a little of the absolute defeat and grief I was feeling?_

_Then there was hope. It came in the form of a yellow mech..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian was stunned. She had always assumed Bumblebee was fast. He was small, sporty and a scout after all, he _had_ to be fast to save his aft, right? This, however, was ridiculous. The mech was smaller then the red one and his youth showed clearly through his motions. Not that he was clumsy, or foolhardy, or wasn't knowledgeable but instead that he moved so fluidly with a flexibility only youth can supply.

"_Please_...tell me that's a good guy..." Roger breathed next to her, not having the strength to put into his voice.

"Yeah," Aurian could hardly speak any louder then her companion, "that's a good guy." Aurian gasped as the red mech fell off the building only to be quite suddenly replaced by the silver one creeping up behind her yellow hero. "Bee, watch out!" Her cry was heard and Bumblebee ducked just as the silver mech fired his plasma rifle, able to evade the shot.

The Decepticon snarled something Aurian was pretty sure that if she had understood she would have been greatly offended by and swung his gun to bare on her, pulling the trigger again. Aurian lept away, shoving Roger in the other direction. Unfortunately she did not look where she was going until it was too late and the thought of, 'Oh, hello gravity,' drifted through her mind as she fell over the edge of the building.

Closing her eyes, not wanting to see the ground rushing up toward her Aurian found that her thoughts instantly provided images of Sideswipe leaping out for her, catching her before she could hit the ground. 'Wishful thinking.' She told her self. Then there was the feeling of something scooping her from the air...and slamming her against the brick of the building she had fallen from.

"Pitiful fleshling. Can't you see all of your efforts are futile?" Aurian looked through hazy eyes at the red mech that had her pinned. Pain was flooding her body, she had ignored it all for too long and now it was back with a vengeance.

"Are you going to kill me?"

"What if I did? Would it matter?"

"N-not so much." She felt dizzy, tired and ached. The blue glow had reached her elbows and she was sure that it wasn't too much longer before it reached her heart. "I'm probably gonna die soon anyway."

The mech sighed, "Aren't we all?" Instead of crushing her into a biological ooze as she expected he would the mech curled his fingers around her, taking a good portion of the wall with her as he did, and started walking away.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Roger recovered himself quickly enough. He had been surprised to find himself tumbling out of the way of the blast from the strange gun but had easily put two and two together. "Aurian!" He shouted for her, knowing that she would have tried to get out of the way as well. The section of the building where they had stood was gone, completely and utterly gone, with Aurian no where to be seen.

The two robots still on the rooftop were engaged in hand to hand combat, the shooting robot's gun had been knocked away and every time one of them was slammed down, or fell, or lept, Roger's footing would become precarious and more of the building would fall away. Still he searched for the missing woman. "Aurian!" The rubble in the alley below was immense, if she had fallen into that Roger was sure that she would not have survived, still he searched. His heart pounding, mind racing. He refused to believe that the woman who had been standing beside him only moments before might now be dead.

There! That red robot was walking away clutching something in one of his large fists, a shock of brown hair told him exactly _what_ it was carrying away. "Aurian!" How was he going to get to her? 'I've got to help her...' His mind refused to process the simple fact that there was nothing he _could_ do. These machines were easily three times his size, had gigantic powerful weapons and no weakness he could see. He looked for a way down but the robots blast had destroyed the fire escape that the two humans had used to flee to the rooftops and there were no other options presenting themselves to him. Jumping simply wasn't the answer, if he broke a leg trying to jump off the five story building (assuming he survived the fall in the first place) how would he go after Aurian's attacker?

"Hey!" Turning to the fighting robots he tried to remember what Aurian had called the 'good guy'. The machines seemed unconcerned with his presence. "Damn it," he had to remember, what had she called it? A letter, "B!" He felt his heart flutter when the yellow machine turned his head toward him slightly. "That other one has Aurian! It's got her!" He was pointing frantically in the direction the red robot had gone and was endlessly thankful that this 'B' robot seemed to understand him as it looked in the direction he indicated. Unfortunately this same distraction allowed for the silver robot to gain the upper hand and with something Roger thought sounded eerily like laughter slammed a fist into the smaller robot's head, knocking him over the edge of the rooftop they were battling on.

Roger's guts cramped as he realized that he was now alone with the silver machine, the one that had every obvious intention of killing him. However, it simply looked over the scene, completely overlooking him and lept down to the ground, vanishing with the roar of an engine.

Silence persisted for a long time. Roger couldn't coax his legs to move. He was trapped at any rate, his only way off this building had been the fire escape and it was gone now. Gone, like Aurian. He had come to her wanting to be the hero who saved her and had ended up helpless to do anything at all! After a time he couldn't measure, it could have been five minutes, it could have been an hour, the yellow robot, 'B' came crawling back over the ledge. It's blue glowing 'eyes' were fixed on him and he got the strange feeling that the robot looked guilty.

"Where did that thing take Aurian?" He was stuck somewhere between horror and fascination. These were independently operating robots! They had tried to kill him...but they were still amazing!

The robot made whirring, clicking noises and then shrugged. It made a motion as if to say it was looking, 'searching' Roger told himself, then shook it's head slowly.

"You can't find them?"

_"Transmissions are being jammed, Captian..."_ Roger wasn't sure weather to be amused by the old Star Trek clip coming from the giant robot or to succumb to the horror of what the machine was saying. It couldn't track the robot that had made off with Aurian...

"Wh-what about that Major guy?" He was looking for something to hold onto, some kind of hope, "Can't he do something?"

_"We have the technology...far superior...I can do anything better then you..."_ The strange miss mash of sound clips was confusing at first and Roger had to think about what it all meant.

"Are you saying that he can't do anything?"

The robot nodded.

Roger could feel the world shifting beneath his feet. Nothing? They couldn't do anything? "What the Hell kind of advanced robot are you if you can't even save _one_ human?" He lashed out at the robot. Damn, if the government was going to be brash enough to make AI's that could walk, talk and do battle at the very least they could have done was to equip them with tracking devices so that when one went AWAL they could hunt it down and destroy it! "What is that thing going to do to her?" He demanded, ignoring the way the yellow robot slumped under his accusations. "Is it going to kill her? Why did it take her anyway?"

'B' made a strange whining noise, Roger thought it sounded a little sad, then it shrugged and sat down on the roof top.

"Why don't you talk like the other ones?" He demanded. His mind was latching onto whatever it could to not focus on the fact that Aurian was gone.

_"The damage is severe...repairs will be made...only partial function..."_ Several news reports and soap opera clips making up this latest choppy sentence.

More of the building crumbled, reminding Roger of what had just occurred. "Can you get me off of here?" Not entirely sure he wanted the robot to touch him but needing to get moving, get _doing_ something he decided it was his only option.

The robot nodded and stood, reaching a large hand for him. Roger shied away, afraid the machine might simply crush him, how sensitive were their pressure receptors anyway? Did they _have_ pressure receptors? However the hand stopped before it reached him and sat open, waiting. The machine was not going to grab him, instead it offered him the opportunity to climb up on its hand on his own. Nervously he did and was surprised by the warmth in the metal he sat on.

With infinite genteelness and ease the robot carried him over the edge of the building and with a short hop, safely to the ground. "What now?" Roger looked at the street he had been deposited on. At the very least this area was lacking in population so there were no people gawking at him...but there would be soon enough. Sirens flared in the distance and he knew that not only were the police, fire department and emergency medical units on their way but so were the has-mat teams that would be responding to the alarm Aurian had triggered in the lab. If they arrived and found him here, he would be detained for _hours_ while they searched him for dangerous materials and questioned him on the occurrences that had lead to all the damage. "Damn!"

The robot seemed just as edgy with the warning noises and shuffled away from him a few steps before it began to fold in on its self! Roger quickly realized what was happening, the same thing that red robot had done, it was turning into a car. 'A car!' "That's it!" Aurian's 'AI' car was one of these robots! He watched with amazement as the robot formed a rather sporty looking Camaro and then it's door popped open, inviting him in. "I don't know about this..."

_"Time is running out...do you feel lucky...can't handle the truth!"_

"I don't know if I should be worried that that actually made sense to me or not." Roger sighed, the sirens were getting closer and he did _not_ want to be stuck here for hours on end trying to answer questions he couldn't answer and telling a story no one was going to believe. "Let's go then." He climbed into the vehicle, wondering if it would simply act as any car or if he had to turn it on. The answer came with the slamming door, squealing tires and the way the vehicle tore off down the deserted street before he had secured the seatbelt. "Where are we going?"

_"I have a job to do." _

Roger was almost confused by the simple sentence. "Job?"

In answer the car's engine revved and the vehicle moved at impossible speed through the back streets until they found the main highway that ran close to town. He really wanted to ask more questions but as each one came to his lips it seemed to wither and die. He wanted to know, yet he didn't. Why were there robots running amuck in the city? What did they want with Aurian? Why were they fighting each other? How did they manage the transformation from a bipedal AI to a self controlled vehicle? At what point had Aurian gotten involved... 'That damn device! This all started with that!' Suddenly the Mission City news reports came back to the forefront of his thoughts. There had been claims of giant robots battling in Mission City which had caused all the destruction. That now seemed not only feasible but more fact then any of the other stories that had been told.

Major Lennox was connected to all this. 'When I see that bastard, I'm gonna kill him!' Roger's fists clenched with his sudden fury. That man had known about all of this, had dragged Aurian into it and left her unprotected to be abducted by one of the robots.

Soon they were pulling up in front of a rather suburban looking home and Roger wondered what the robot could possibly want from a place like this. A surprisingly normal sounding car horn sounded and the engine revved a couple of times and then a young man, no, a teenager came running from the house. "Who's that?" Roger demanded. The way the kid responded seemed to indicate that he knew the car was at least somewhat sentient and had expected it. Obviously he had _not_ expected someone else to be sitting in said car.

Cautiously approaching the vehicle the boy looked at Roger. "Bee?" He questioned nervously. The passenger door popped open for the boy and it seemed that was all he needed to get moving. Climbing into the car the kid looked at Roger closely, he was rather shabby looking after his encounter so he could only imagine what the boy must be thinking of him. "Hi, who are you?"

Without waiting for introductions to be finished the Camaro took off at its almost painful speed.

"My name is Roger Campton, who are you?"

"Sam Witwicki. Um, not to sound rude or anything, but what are you doing in my car?"

Roger laughed. It was humorless, but still, "I'd really like to know that myself!" He gestured at the steering wheel that was guiding its self, "I went to go help a friend and now I find myself hot rodding around in a souped up robot/car wondering if I've lost my mind or if the world just slipped into the twilight zone and forgot to tell me!"

"Bee, what's goin' on?"

_"Emergency...we are not alone...abducted, where they have taken her is still unknown..."_

"What?" Alarm filled Sam's voice, "Who?"

"Aurian." Roger supplied. He didn't know how much this kid knew about what was going on but it was obvious he knew more then he did.

"How? She was on the base!" Then it seemed as though realization dawned on him and he was both instantly angry and anxious all at once. "Sideswipe."

"That's what she called that car in the ditch. It's one of these things, isn't it?" That's why she had been so apprehensive about the vehicle. Likely it was government issued and she was responsible for it. 'Hate to see that bill...' he thought drearily to himself.

"In the ditch? Why was he in a ditch?" Worry filled Sam's voice, not unlike Aurian's own concern when she had been speaking to the vehicle.

"Don't know."

_"Caught unaware..."_

"How? He's like, one of your best warriors, right? How'd he get snuck up on?"

"Warriors?" Roger felt alarms blaring in his head. This wasn't right.

_"Blinded by the light...inquiring minds want to know..."_

"He was _thinking_?" Sam threw his hands up with exasperation, "What had him thinking so hard he didn't see a Decepticon coming for him?"

"Decepticon?" Aurian had said that word to Major Lennox over the phone when describing the red robot.

_"Final scores are not yet in...there will be consequences."_

"No shit! When Ratchet gets done with him Ironhide's going to trash him again!" Sam laughed a little. It was the stressful kind of laugh that one got when they were trying not to think about all the bad things that could happen.

"Ratchet!" Roger suddenly remembered something that had been important, "Aurian said Ratchet could help her!"

Sam looked at Roger again, as if he had forgotten the man had been in the vehicle with him. "What?"

"We were going to go to the lab to call Major Lennox so that Ratchet could come help her. There was a blue glow in her hands, she said that the hospitals couldn't help her but that this Ratchet guy could."

"Bee!" Sam was alarmed.

_"Affirmative."_

"Hell, how much _worse_ can this all get? Where are the guys?"

_"Currently on route...thirty minutes or less!"_

"Do they know?"

_"EF five funnel cloud has been reported as touching down...local area hospital...one pissed off mother fucker..."_

"That bad?" There was a pause as Sam took in the current situation, "Ratchet wouldn't _kill_ Sides, would he?"

_"Whatever will be will be, the futures not ours to see..."_

"Great."

"Okay, clue me in. This is so out of this world I think I might just willingly admit I'm insane and get it over with." Roger was confused by the banter between the teen and the clipped sentences the robot was speaking in.

"Uh...how much do you know?" Sam fidgeted with the seatbelt strapped around him.

"How much do _I_ know? Crap kid! I woke up this morning living in a _normal_ world, then I find a friend with some freaky infection, get chased _through _a building by a car and almost blown to bits by giant robots with guns and now I'm riding around in a car that not only drives its self but has a twisted sense of humor! Not to mention that that same friend has now been abducted by a homicidal robot that it seems no one knows how to find and it's not even lunch yet!"

"Wow, and I thought my first day was rough."

~********************~********************~********************~***************

_Journal entry _continued_; …_

_I was caught by a Decepticon. A Decepticon! Oh my Gods!_

_

* * *

_

K...so...about Bee's clips. They belong to whomever said them and got famous, or whatever. I really _don't_ have a clue where most of them came from, I just let the little TV/radio in my head play and snagged the clips I liked to get my point across. I hope you all are okay with this.

Also, Roger is only a temporory focus. I promise. Any of you who do not like reading about him, don't worry. The others will take over again soon. ^_~


	20. Journal Entry 20

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; keeping secrets_

_I don't know at what point but I had lost consciousness sometime between being hauled off from the battle zone and ending up...wherever I was. I woke up cold, numb and disoriented. To say the least it was terrifying._

_There were voices all around me, yelling, growling, demanding...I didn't understand a word of it. Damn, I kind of wish now that there had been a 'Learn Cybertronian' website. Kind of like the 'Learn Elven' or 'Learn Klingon' ones they had out there to teach you how to pronounce the fictional language. At the very least even if I couldn't speak it I could understand it! I mean, sure I had learned the alphabetical glyphs but a whole lotta good that was doing me!_

_What worried me the most was when one of the few Decepticons I could recognize on sight appeared hovering over me..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Despite the complete numbness in her body Aurian knew her muscles had tensed at the mere sight of the Decepticon. The mech seemed amused by this as a nerve wracking smile crept across his face.

"It seems you at least have the intelligence to fear me." One clawed finger reached out to touch Aurian and she just _knew_ that he intended to kill her. "Though it would appear that you have been bold enough to engage in battle with some of my troops." She realized he was touching her arm, though she couldn't feel it.

"They're not your troops Starscream." Maybe not the most intelligent thing she had ever said but the instant reaction of the mech was currently enough to subdue any regret she may have had. Shock and instant rage were the first reactions and then that smug sneer settled back onto his face, though this time Aurian thought maybe it was a little forced. "Megatron may be gone for now, but it won't be long before someone comes along to take his place and I can promise...it won't be you." 'Shut your face!' Aurian scolded herself. 'Don't taunt the 'Con!' "I'm sure Shockwave won't be at all happy to know that you're standing in Megatron's position after turning tail..." she was immediately shut up by the hand that slammed down over her, claws easily piercing the metal table she lay on. She found a smidgen of thought to be thankful that apparently not only was her body kind of numb, it was completely numb and she could not feel any sensation.

"Silence!" The mech snarled, his face mere inches from her own, "What do you know of the battle that destroyed the former Lord Protector?"

Aurian's mind went blank. She stammered silently for a moment trying to think of _something_ to save herself from the rage she had spurred.

More of the growling Cybertronian speech filled the air and Aurian could see the rage shift to something else; "You have Allspark energy on you."

"What?" Allspark energy, when had she...'Riiight, the shard...damn.' "No I don't!" She knew the denial wouldn't work. They had scanned her, which she hadn't felt, and her denial wouldn't change what those scans read. 'How long does that crap stick to you?' She wondered.

"There is no use in lying human, the Doctor has already confirmed Allspark energy. I might add that he is _very_ interested in examining you to discover the source." Starscream's smirk shifted to an all out grin. An _evil _grin, Aurian noted. "I will give you one opportunity to live, tell me where the Allspark is."

"It's gone!" Aurian's brain started functioning again. If a Decepticon said he was going to kill you, she figured that most likely he meant it. "You saw yourself! Sam used it to kill Megatron."

"Sam?" The mech paused for a moment as he searched for the name, "Samuel James Witwicky; ladiesman217. That's right. That _human_ somehow managed to use the Allspark to deactivate Megatron. You were present?"

"No."

"Then you worked for the human agency that had imprisoned him?"

"No."

"How, then, did you come in contact with the Allspark?"

"I didn't!" She tried to get her muscles to respond to her, she had to try to get away before Starscream decided to act on his offer to destroy her.

"Human, your attempts at deceit are useless. If you do not give me the information I ask for, the Doctor will be more then willing to retrieve it for me." At this Aurian noticed that a smallish creature had crawled on top of her. She thought it resembled something between an oversized shrimp and a crab. It chattered happily in Cybertronian as small tools whirred to life from its many extremities. Her whole body shivered with the thoughts of what those tools might be used for. "So, human, shall we negotiate?"

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

'Dead. I'm going to beat the slagger until he is nothing more then a lump of unprocessed ore!' Ironhide could not curb his anger. The twins had a knack for for that, driving him to the brink of his temper and then pushing until he finally blew a hole in something just to avoid deactivating them. From the sounds of it, Will and Rob who were riding in his cab, didn't have much better plans for the rogue twin. They had a knack.

::How much farther?:: Ratchet questioned for the tenth time. It was unlike the CMO to ask useless questions like that, but Ironhide knew that he was concerned for the human woman. Apparently the second round of energon poisoning had required a longterm treatment and with her having vanished and no longer receiving the medications Ratchet had designed for her, she was in danger.

::We will arrive in just a few minutes.:: The two of them, along with the two humans had been deployed to retrieve Aurian from the 'lab', a location where Ironhide and Will had met the woman while attempting to retrieve a piece of equipment that Jazz had discarded during the battle at Mission City. Ironhide had tried to persuade Optimus to allow him to retrieve the silver mech from his apparent rock-and-a-hard-place situation he had gotten himself into however the Autobot leader had been perfectly clear that he and Ratchet were to retrieve Aurian. He suspected that it was because Ratchet and himself had openly declared their desire to dismantle the young bot.

::Ironhide!:: The distressed transmission drew Ironhide from his own thoughts of using the twin for target practice, ::Tell me that is not our destination.::

Searching out the nearby buildings Ironhide realized with great horror that the 'lab' was completely in shambles, as well as the building behind it. There were obvious plasma burns marking the crumbling structure behind the 'lab'. ::Slag!::

"Ironhide, don't tell me that's what it looks like." Will and Rob had grown silent in his cab as the view of the destruction caught their attention.

_"I'm afraid it is."_

"There's a lot of emergency vehicles there." Rob pointed out. "Has-mat too. What happened here?"

_"Do you think you could speak with the authorities here and find out what happened?"_

Will considered the large amounts of emergency peoples gathered around the buildings. It appeared that they had corralled every employee into a rather cramped looking, hastily erected tent. They were being inspected and questioned and Will knew exactly what would happen if military personnel showed up asking questions. "No. We'd just cause more panic and we wouldn't get any answers without spending hours here. We should try to catch up with the others and Sideswipe." His fists clenched as he thought of the Autobot, "I hope he's okay." Genuine concern filled his voice. If whatever had caused the young bot to be unable to contact them had been what caused all of this damage, not to mention that he had not been here with Aurian, then the mech had to be in trouble. Bad trouble. "Hide?"

_"I am attempting to reach the others now...there must be a disruptor. That would explain __why Sideswipe did not contact us and why he has not responded to our transmissions to him." _::Ratchet, are you getting through?::

::Negative.:: The two vehicles rushed past the disaster sight, scanners on high for any remaining Decepticon. ::We should hurry.::

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Optimus scanned the area again. No signal. 'Where are you Sideswipe?' Jolt, Skids, Mudflap and himself had all gone to the address supplied to them as Aurian's apartment complex to find that Sideswipe was not in the place described to him. He was supposedly in the ditch behind the building but when they had gotten there, although it was obvious he _had_ been there, he was gone. Jolt had advised him of large amounts of fluids that had absorbed into the ground very recently and of that there was a high energon content. Wherever Sideswipe was, he was injured.

Another thing they had discovered upon their arrival was that the area was being bombarded by disruptions rendering their internal communications systems useless. No wonder he had not responded to their calls. He had ordered Skids and Mudflap to search out the device and deactivate it leaving himself and Jolt to try and track down their missing comrade. Jolt was scanning other nearby complexes while Optimus searched the surrounding area.

::Hey, boss man! Found it!:: Skids excited voice interrupted his thoughts of what may have happened to the young warrior.

::Good. Spread out and search for Sideswipe.::

::Got it!:: Mudflap confirmed.

Optimus sighed with what little relief it was to be able to contact one another again. ::Jolt, communications are back online. Contact Ratchet and Ironhide. Get confirmation of pick up.::

::All right.::

::Optimus to Sideswipe. Report.:: Silence. ::Sideswipe, report your current status.::

::Bumblebee to Optimus, are you receiving?:: The young mech's voice sounded urgent, never a good sign.

::Report.::

::I have picked up Sam and a Roger Campton. We have a situation on our hands.::

::Where is Aurian?::

::Optimus! There's been a Decepticon attack!:: Jolt interrupted, ::Ratchet and Ironhide are on route to our location. They were unable to retrieve the human woman.::

::Bumblebee?:: Optimus knew what he was about to hear from the yellow scout.

::She was attacked by two Decepticons, designations Sideways and Dead End.:: There was a pause before his regretful voice came back over the link, ::They have abducted her, I was unable to stop them. The human Roger Campton was with her during the attack. Is Sideswipe okay?::

::We are as of yet unsure. We have not been able to locate him.::

::What do you want me to do?::

Optimus considered the situation; Bumblebee had with him a civilian human that had been exposed to Decepticon attack. They would have to address that directly. Sideswipe was missing and still not answering calls despite the deactivation of the disruptor. Aurian had been abducted by the Decepticons...why hadn't they simply destroyed her? Why had they gone after her in the first place? ::Is the human injured?::

::Nothing serious.::

::Return to base. Request Sam to keep him comfortable until Will arrives.::

::Okay, see you back at base.::

At the very least, Optimus thought, the new human would be safe until they could figure out what was going on. 'Hopefully he is not one of these...'fan boys' Aurian mentioned. Two humans with sensitive information could prove too much.' Then a thought occurred to him, did the Decepticons know Aurian held large amounts of high security information? If they did, she was in far worse danger then had they simply abducted her. ::Ironhide, return to base with Will and Rob. There has been a human exposure they will need to handle. The humans name is Roger Campton and he has some relationship with Aurian. He was on sight when the Decepticons attacked.::

::Have you found the little slagger?::

::No.::

There was a long pause. Optimus knew Ironhide was livid with the twin for taking Aurian off the base _again_, however he had played mentor to the twins for so long that in truth he worried for them. ::Heading back to base.::

::Ratchet, I need you to assist us in the search for Sideswipe. Wherever he is, he is damaged. The severity is yet unknown.::

::On my way.::

::Sideswipe, respond.:: He was starting to believe that the communication attempts were futile but he refused to submit. If the troublesome twin was here, they would find him and if he wasn't? They would still find him. ::Sideswipe?::

The search went on for many Earth hours. Ratchet had joined up with them shortly after Optimus's communication with the medic and he too confirmed the presence of energon in the area Sideswipe was supposed to have been in.

::What doesn't make sense though is, if Sideswipe was injured and he moved from that location, where is the energon trail?:: Ratchet had pointed out the one thing they all were aware of but had refused to confirm. ::Optimus, I think we need to consider the very real possibility he's been taken prisoner.::

A heavy sigh shook his entire frame, he did not want to admit that what the CMO said was not only likely but also very reasonable. Sideswipe had been attacked by the Decepticons and left for some reason, at least long enough for Aurian to find him. ::Everyone, return to base.::

::You jus' givin' up like dat?:: Skids sounded shocked.

::Return to base.:: The order was spoken with a finality that none of the Autobots dared contend with. Optimus was not happy and pushing him would not be a wise decision. ::We will discuss our next move there.::

::Confirmed.:: Jolt replied.

::If ya sez so.:: Mudflap responded, obviously cutting off something his twin had intended to say. ::We goin' back.::

Optimus waited a few minutes before turning back himself. He couldn't help but to feel like he was abandoning the mech and that didn't sit well.

::Optimus?:: Ratchet's soothing voice called to him, ::You alright?::

::Yes.:: He knew the medic knew what his thoughts were and that he was simply trying to provide some support, however now was not the time. ::What do you think they are planning?::

::What? Abducting a human and taking an Autobot prisoner?:: Ratchet pondered, he really had no ideas what the Decepticons could be up to but he was trying to come up with something. ::I honestly don't know. She was at the last skirmish between the 'Cons and the new arrivals...maybe they're holding a grudge.::

::Though I do not put that past the Decepticons, they are more likely to have simply destroyed her and have been done with it.::

::Then,:: Ratchet knew he was going to regret suggesting this idea, ::Perhaps they intend to use her against us.::

::Do you think they know we have Barricade?::

::Maybe, but since when do Decepticons trade prisoners?::

::They don't.::

::You don't think they know she knows something...do you?::

::Other options are quickly diminishing. I fear they may have suspicions concerning her relationship with us.::

The two drove on in silence, both thinking the same thing. Not only was Aurian in great danger but if they managed to get information from her, which Decepticons were notoriously adapt at doing, then they were all in great danger.

Once they arrived at the base Optimus prepared to meet the human Roger Campton, if he had been there when the Decepticons attacked he had already seen Bumblebee and it seemed pointless to try and convince him that they did not exist. Not only that but if he was a close acquaintance of Aurian's then he too could be in danger, especially if he held any of the information Aurian had.

Meeting new humans was not always his most favored of activities. Many of them had a tendency to overreact, to scream loudly or to pass out. When not properly prepared for his appearance humans tended to become overwhelmed.

To say the very least he was surprised when an unknown human male came storming up to him in his truck form.

"You're him right? You're this 'Optimus Prime' guy? Why the Hell did you let one of those...those...whatever they're called, bad guys run off with Aurian?" His glare shifted to the Rescue Hummer that came rolling in behind him, "And you! You're supposed to be helping her? How do you _help_ anyone if you let them run all over the place? I don't care if that Sideswipe car was supposed to be protecting her, that's just bad doctoring!"

Optimus and Ratchet both sat unmoving in shocked silence...had this human really just accused them of being irresponsible? Their attention immediately shifted to a rather troubled looking Major William Lennox rushing out toward them sporting a rather painful looking black eye.

"Well?" The man demanded angrily.

"Roger! Please calm down!" Will pleaded with the man, "You don't have the whole story."

"Fuck the whole story!" He shouted, turning on Will. Apparently the man had gotten a sucker punch in because Will instantly took on a defensive posture, not that it would have been noticed without a trained eye but Optimus knew Will well enough to know when the human felt threatened. "Damn it, you guys are all to blame! Every last damn one of you!" He spun to look at the two vehicles and then back at Will. "What did Auri do to deserve all this?" His voice broke a little in it's rage. His anger had been laid out and now all that was left was his grief, worry and guilt. "She never hurt anyone."

"I would beg to differ." Ironhide had come shortly after the yelling had started. Roger had obviously already met the mech as he did not seem surprised by his appearance. "She damaged Barricade pretty thoroughly."

"Yeah, an' she tore up Sideways sum'in good!" Chimed in Skids as he and his twin came to join in, Bumblebee shortly behind them with Sam trailing.

"I don't care!" Roger glared at all of them in turn before stopping on the still untransformed Optimus, "I want to know what you're going to do to save her."

Optimus sighed. This human was brave...or just blind with emotion, either way he was going to be troublesome. He started his transformation sequence, partially hoping that the human might become overwhelmed after all. At least then he would have a few minutes to gather information from everyone and decide what it was they _were_ going to do. "Roger Campton?"

"Yeah?" Apparently Optimus could not be so lucky as the angered man still glared at him, even if he did have to step back and tip his head to do so.

"We have every intention of recovering Aurian, however we must conclude what it is the Decepticons have planned."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That we have to get more information." Will placed a hand on the man's shoulder, knowing that he was feeling helpless in this situation. "We will get her back, Roger."

"Alive?" Was his simple, yet accusing question.

"Alive." Came a new voice. Everyone spun to see the missing mech standing not far from them.

"Sideswipe!" Jolt was the only one to seem to find his voice looking at the mangled mech. "Where have you been?"

"Doing what I do best..." The mech wavered on his feet, "I followed them." Then he fell, succumbing to his injuries.

~*********************~*********************~*********************~************

_Journal entry_ continued_; biology 101_

_I envy those damn frogs from biology class. At least they get to be dead._

_Turns out the little shrimp/crab thing they all called 'The Doctor' was actually a Decepticon field medic...he liked to talk you see...and his actual name was Scalpel. Fitting. The little bastard was enjoying his job!_

_I of course had refused Starscream's offer. No, I really, really, really did NOT want to die but the way I was seeing it, A: Were they really going to let me live anyway? B: I was already well on my way to dead with the energon running through my system so what did it matter if it was by them or by poison? And C: My one measly life was hardly worth that of all the Autobots and the soldiers that were helping them..._

_So needless to say by the time 'The Doctor' was done with me I was ashamed of my weakness...damn it._

_~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_Just real quick want to say; I'm not really good at writing Skids and Mudflap, hope they're okay by you!

And...sorry that it's getting dark...it's a bad habbit. Things will get better, eventually, I promise!!!^_^


	21. Journal Entry 21

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~Starting to worry I wouldn't be posting? Hahah...Halloween, what can I say? It's a lovely holiday and I was absent to enjoy it to it's fullest. ^_^ Hope everyone else had a nice holiday!**

**Speaking of absences! I will not be posting for a while for creative reasons. (Many fics, no time!) So please do not be disheartened, I will post again soon...just not like I normally do. Things will come back to your normally scheduled program.  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: **The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma** (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma)**, but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee** and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story. Trust me it will be amusing. But if you are confused about something, go read that fic it will probably clear it up real quick. Other then that you'll just have to accept what's going on as is and understand that it is all based on something, somewhere. Credit is given where it is due so long as I know that credit is due (ie I didn't come up with an idea on my own that someone else also came up with~hey, it happens)

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; delirium_

_The Doctor was a master in keeping things alive, that much I knew intimately now. He treated my energon poisoning through a process we humans commonly call 'letting'. He cut precise incisions in my arms, forcing the energon to ooze out on its own...there were other ways he happily informed me, more effective and efficient ways but he found this way far more satisfying and that he was truthfully curious to see what happened. How I didn't bleed to death must have been some form of Cybertronian science because I have no idea. By the way, energon mixed with human blood? Kind of pretty..._

_~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sideswipe stared at the ceiling. He was active. That was...amazing. Ratchet and Ironhide would surely be so slagged off he almost thought, no _believed,_ that he would not come online for a long time, if ever. Rolling his legs over the side of the berth and dragging his body into an upright position he examined his condition. Much better then he had been but not one hundred percent. 'Slag.' He hated himself for letting that blasted Decepticon beat him. He had been distracted. The slaggers had a knack for turning a bots mind against them that was for sure. Before now he'd been immune to such stupid processor glitches but this time...'Slag them all!'

Pushing himself off the berth he searched out a focus point. He was in the med bay, not a good place for him to be though it made sense. If he wasn't one hundred percent operational then Ratchet would demand nothing less. 'Either that or the Hatchet wanted me nearby so he could be the first to deactivate me as soon as I came online.' The doors weren't far away, 'All the more reason to get the Pit out of here.' He hadn't even taken his first step before a familiar voice rumbled behind him.

"Where do you think you're going?" Ratchet had stood there observing the young mech, the fact that he hadn't registered his presence was clear and obvious proof that he was still in serious condition.

Sideswipe cringed, frag if Ratchet wasn't quick. "I am functional, I figured I might as well get my gears out of your wiring."

"Like Pit." With strength Sideswipe thought highly unnecessary Ratchet reached out and yanked the bot back onto the recovery berth. "If you take one step outside of those doors you're free game and let me tell you that Ironhide has a few choice words for you."

"Words? Don't you mean missiles? Plasma bullets? Clenched fists?"

"Those too."

Sideswipe sighed. He knew he had fragged up badly this time. Honestly he had believed Aurian would have been safer returned to her home! Never, even for a nanoklik, had he imagined that she could be a Decepticon target... "Ratchet..."

"Don't start." Ratchet snapped at him, a bad sign. "I don't want to hear your excuses, not this time." The medic came to stand in front of him. His arms were crossed over his chest and his stance clearly displayed his disapproval. "I want you to listen and listen good because I'm only going to say this once." He waited for Sideswipe to nod his understanding before he continued, "I know you had Aurian's best interests in mind." Sideswipe was shocked by the sudden sympathy in the CMO's voice... "She was distressed and that bothered you, I understand that as well. You didn't know that she was on a specially designed medication regiment to nullify the energon in her system and you didn't know that the Decepticons had interest in her. None of us knew that. So stop blaming yourself for all of that right now." At this the mech's voice firmed up once more, "What you will have to pay the consequences for are your reckless actions. You did not have permission to take the human off of this base, by us or by the human authorities and _that_ you did know."

"Which led to her being pursued and subsequently captured by Decepticons." Sideswipe snarled. He wasn't angry with Ratchet, the medic knew what he was saying and it was true but he was angry with himself. "I let them take her."

"Obviously you did not just hand her over to them wrapped as a gift." Ratchet took this time to scan the mech, "You're injuries are still severe Sideswipe. It's very clear that you fought to protect her."

"And failed."

"That is not your fault."

"Like Pit! Slag it Ratchet, I'm better then that! I could fight ten Decepticons and come out on top!" He pushed himself back up, forcing the medic to step back. "I might as well have just deactivated her myself."

Ratchet allowed the agitated mech to rise. Continually shoving him around would do nothing for his condition and he needed to work out his anger. "Sideswipe, you are at a disadvantage you have not had to face before. Without Sunstreaker here you are not at full strength."

A wave of pain crossed Sideswipe's face at the mere mention of his twin. "I...haven't really thought about him that much." He raised a trembling hand to his chest, "Why? When we were separated I couldn't think of anything else but for the past few Earth cycles I haven't thought of him much at all."

"Why do you think that is? Use your processor and I'm sure it'll come to you." Ratchet gently encouraged the defused mech to sit once more. "Who has been your main focus the past few days?"

"Who?" Aurian had been a constant to him since his return after his discovery of Jazz's deactivation. She had poked and prodded him into talking to her, made him laugh, think of things that weren't related to the war or to his brother... "Aurian..."

"Exactly." Ratchet was concentrating on something other then Sideswipe at the moment. "She was providing you with a rather decent distraction I would say. Not surprising really, that woman has a way about her. It is a human trait to try to divert their thoughts from whatever is displeasing to them and it would seem she managed to apply this same tactic to you as well. I can't tell you how it worked since we've had no experience in such things with the humans yet, our interactions are limited mostly to fighting the Decepticons and remaining hidden from the populace at large. Aside from Bumblebee that is, but research there is incomplete."

Sideswipe could remember one thing, a simple phrase the human had spoken so off handedly that he hadn't really realized until now that it had touched him. "She called me her brother..."

Gears locking mid motion Ratchet replayed Sideswipe's last sentence in his processor a few times to be sure he had heard correctly. "Brother? Why?"

"I don't think she meant it. It was back when Jolt and the other two landed, we were among humans and I had raised my voice. She claimed I was her brother on a speaker phone." He shook his head, "I don't know why that came to me."

"Because that is likely what has you so distracted." Ratchet continued what he had been doing and administered a numbing solution causing Sideswipe to jerk violently. Much practiced in the mech's mannerisms Ratchet was hardly diverted from his efforts. "It is my understanding that humans do not generally take familial references lightly. Many of them are violently dedicated to their families and in a few reports there is reference to 'extended family members', or people that are not related by DNA but are accepted as family despite this fact."

"I don't think that's what was on her mind at the time."

"She could have just said you were a friend." Ratchet stated rather bluntly as he manipulated gears in Sideswipe's arm. "Perhaps the two of you have grown closer then you realize."

"It's not like she's Cybertronian, Ratchet. There's no bond there."

"No. I'm not implying that there is. However humans..." He paused, how did he explain something he didn't fully understand? "Humans do not need a bond to feel connected to those they care about."

"What?" Sideswipe was alarmed, if the humans could connect the same way he and his brother did through their bond _without_ a bond then they were in constant danger of becoming 'attached' to someone. This logic drew him directly to the conclusion of the worst case scenario of bonds. "Does that mean they are in constant danger of deactivation through sparkshock?"

Ratchet seemed perturbed by something in the mechanisms within Sideswipe's arm and didn't seem to give the question much thought. "They don't have sparks, so I doubt it." His tools shifted rapidly until he had what he was wanting and started removing paneling from Sideswipe's arm. "Some humans do suffer physically when someone they care about passes away but they hardly ever die of it."

"So, more like a sibling bond?"

"I guess if you have to think of it in those terms, yes."

"So...she could really view me as a brother?"

"If she used the term I would have to say yes."

Sideswipe's processor went into overtime. If Aurian felt that he was her brother then he, by default, had to consider her his sister. She was certainly deserving of such a title. He would not let anyone get away with harming his brother so likewise could not let anyone harm his sister! "How long until my repairs are complete?"

"You were badly damaged," Ratchet turned to whatever it was that had been so frustrating to him now that Sideswipe's inner workings were exposed. "It will take time."

"How long?"

At this Ratchet stopped and paid the mech some personal attention, he had that tone that said he had a mission in his processor and he was going to complete it whether he had medical clearance to do so or not. "No Sideswipe. You are staying here until you are fully healed. If I have to do to you what I did to him," with this he pointed to the still immobilized Barricade, "to keep you here, do not think I will hesitate for even a nanoklik."

Sideswipe fixed Ratchet with a relentless glare, "How. Long?" He felt a ripple come through his spark bond.

Carefully setting aside his current tool Ratchet took a moment to calm his flaring anger. "Sideswipe, I do not hold against you your loyalties. However, if you go running off after Aurian you will more then likely be deactivated long before you can reach her. You yourself saw their defenses and had sense enough to return to base for back up. Ironhide and Optimus are currently devising a strategy with Will and Rob." He gave the young mech a very meaningful look. "They will get her."

Unrelenting in his glare Sideswipe considered Ratchet's words. True, when he had first observed the Decepticon's stronghold he had known he could not take it alone and had returned to base for the others. That was before. Aurian was his to protect and he would not be denied.

Ratchet, no fool to the twins and their stubborn processes knew beyond doubt that left unattended Sideswipe would make his escape and run headlong into battle for the sake of the human woman for whatever reason he had come up with. There was only one thing he could do. ::Ironhide, when you are out of the meeting, would you please come and escort Sideswipe to the brig?::

::Slagger finally woke up?:: Ironhide's tone was amused and a touch relieved.

::He is planning to go after Aurian.:: Ratchet continued his work, ignoring the determined look on his patients face.

::What? Why? He's the one who came back here for help. What changed his mind?:: Ironhide was both angered and distressed. Sideswipe could be fool hearty and brash, especially when it came to battle, but the mech had come to base knowing that he alone could not rescue the human.

::Apparently Aurian has become more then just an accomplice to his misdeeds.::

::How long until you're done with him?:: There was a finality to the weapon specialist's voice that had Ratchet wondering if Ironhide was the best mech to escort the younger bot, even if he was the most likely to succeed at doing so of those currently present aside from Optimus himself.

He considered the area he was currently working on. The damage was bad but not life threatening. He could do what he had to do to promote healthy reconstruction by Sideswipe's own internal systems rather quickly. ::I'm sure I can be done by the time you arrive.::

::On my way.::

By this time Ratchet had left Sideswipe to his thoughts for several minutes and he could only imagine what the mech had come up with as plans. What he hadn't realized was that during his distracted operations the mech had started trembling. "Sideswipe?" The mech had a very distant look in his optics and Ratchet instantly feared that he had missed some processor damage. Scanning showed nothing that he wasn't already aware of and that only served to further concern the medic. "Sideswipe." He kept his voice level and strong. "What's wrong?" No answer. "Sideswipe, answer me or I will have to run a hard line to find out whats wrong with you." Still the mech did not answer, though small whimpering sounds were starting to emit from his vocalizer. Ratchet knew it was not intentional sound, simply a reflex noise caused by other components spasming.

With no other option available to him Ratchet made a hard connection with Sideswipe through a cable extending from his wrist. He instantly regretted it as blinding pain seared through his circuits, rendering him completely helpless.

Ironhide hardly knew what he was looking at when he entered the med bay. Both Ratchet and Sideswipe were completely still and staring off at nothing. Upon closer examination though he realized the two bots were trembling and Sideswipe was emitting a strange, strangled whining sound, a sound of pain. As soon as he saw the hard connection between the two bots he acted, disconnecting the CMO from his patient. "What the Pit is going on here?" He demanded even as he stabilized the medic.

"No idea...he just started trembling...wouldn't respond. I tried to get a hard line read of his systems..."

"Didn't work so well?"

"No." Ratchet found his supports were weak and his circuits were still vibrating with the residual from Sideswipe but he was able to stand on his own. "He's in pain." Was his final explanation as he lept to his duty. He pulled Sideswipe down onto the berth so he lay fully on it, though his back arched up with the waves of pain that ran through his body.

Ironhide moved as quickly as he could to aid the medic, holding the squirming bot as still as he could to allow Ratchet to do what he had to with little struggle. He had come here intending to ream the mech thoroughly for his stupidity and ensure that he never do something so foolish again, however seeing the young bot in such a state stole all of his ire and filled him with cool dread. His processor instantly thought of Sunstreaker and what Sideswipe's current condition wrote out of the other mech's fate.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Aurian lay limp on the table. Scalpel had been fascinated with the nervous system this day and she was left raw and exhausted. The tiny mech had a keen interest in human biology, insistent that he could figure out how to retrieve the information from her brain however he saw no real hurry to dismantle the creature when there was so much more to learn from her.

She had already given them vital information and Starscream was busy trying to mobilize enough troops to seek out that of which they had discovered, even if exact locations had not yet been revealed. So that left the Doctor in charge of the human and his whims to guide him.

"Ve have learned much, you are good specimen." He cackled in English, though he carried a heavy German accent. Aurian wondered why he chose such an odd speech combination but didn't really feel bothered to actually ask. "Tomorrow, ve discover more on the core, yes? I think so." Aurian had learned that the small robot hardly cared if she answered him or not, unless he wanted to know how something was affecting her...though if she didn't answer he would simply prod her until she was unable to keep silent. The mech had _horrible_ tortures devised and Aurian could only imagine where he had learned them from. He patted her gently as he retreated from her, it would have almost been affectionate if Aurian thought he considered her anything more then a toy to be played with.

'Core?' She wondered distantly. 'Core what?' She wanted to sleep but was afraid to. Apparently the Doctor was also studying the effects of interrupted REM sleep and was endlessly amused by Aurian's distress when she was quite literally shocked back into wakefulness. 'I wonder what the Autobots are doing?' She thought, 'Probably cursing the day they ever heard my name...'

Damn, she hated herself. In a single moment of utter weakness she had screamed that there was a shard of the Allspark that Optimus had recovered and that it was being transported to a 'secure facility' somewhere. She could only thank her deities that she hadn't known where that location was. Starscream had been satisfied with that revelation and had immediately set to finding the shard. 'I'm so sorry guys.' She mourned. Tears streaked her face though no sounds accompanied them. She had quickly learned to keep her crying silent or the Doctor would come to examine her brain to discover exactly what it was that caused the 'human leaking system' to work.

With a deep sigh she settled into the half sleep that would allow her body to relax, though it did nothing for her mind.

~**********************~**********************~**********************~*********

_Journal entry_ continued_; down into my core_

_Core, it turned out, meant heart. I can't even begin to tell you what that little bastard did to me considering I fainted damn near every time he touched me. He was amused. The only thing I heard was endless cackling laughter, then pain, then blackness only to wake and have it start all over again._

_My one hope at this point was that the little beast would kill me and be unable to revive me._

_No such luck._

_~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_AN: Okay, again so sorry for the darkness. -_-* I don't promise that it'll get better. Well, okay it _will_ get better but don't ask me when.

Hope you enjoyed and that this will tide you over for a few days...need to write...soo...much...to...do!!! ^_^*


	22. Journal Entry 22

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Hah, I couldn't wait until Monday. I wasn't going to post anything until Monday (trying to get caught up some) but I just couldn't. So here you go! Hope it was worth the wait for you.**_

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma), but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; give me peace_

_ I think my brain severed its self from my body because for some reason, much to the Doctor's displeasure and GREAT interest, I couldn't feel anything anymore. Not that I can blame the poor tortured organ for the action, actually I was rather thankful._

_ My concern was that Scalpel was now declaring me 'broken' and no longer valuable as a test subject. What did a mad doctor do with a broken test subject?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Optimus knew nothing good was going to come of this. Sideswipe's 'episode' had lasted for hours, ending with the mech just this side of stasis lock which led everyone to believe something horrible had happened to Sunstreaker. However once the mech had come back online he had been completely adamant about being in the rescue party to retrieve Aurian. Not only that but that they had to move quickly. It almost seemed he _knew_ something more then the rest of them.

Now, in truth Ironhide and Ratchet were both for the sooner-the-better way of thinking. Not that Optimus wasn't, just that the two were pushing almost as much as Sideswipe. Unfortunately Sideswipe's eagerness easily rubbed off on the newly arrived twins as well and it was all Optimus could do to keep them at the base long enough to organizes their plan of action.

Oddly enough, it seemed Bumblebee was acting the most rational of all of his team and that wasn't saying much.

_"Lets get this show on the road...what are you waiting for? Time is a factor."_

"Yes, Bumblebee, I understand." He turned to face the other obstacle, "Sideswipe, for the last time..."

"I am going. Either you let me come with you or I will go myself. Your choice." The absolute seriousness the mech spoke with almost had Optimus backing down. Almost.

"As I have explained to you, without knowing what caused the attack on your systems we cannot risk taking you into battle." ::Ratchet?::

::On it.:: Ratchet had suspected that the young mech would have acted this way, even with his recent affliction and had prepared. Stepping behind the arguing mech he prepared to inject a strong sedative that would keep the mech offline until their return.

"I promised to protect her!" Sideswipe snarled, rivaling Ironhide's infamous anger, "I won't sit around and wait for someone else to do my job!" He spun on the medic, it had not escaped his attention that the CMO was 'casually' approaching him. "And if you do what I think you're going to do I swear by Primus you'll regret it." He spoke so smoothly that Ratchet could feel the promise wash over him like a cool rain. "Frag every last one of you if you think I'm staying here!"

"It is not up for debate." Optimus stated, "You are not stable. That makes you a liability to us all. What would happen if you were to have another onslaught as you had before? We would not only have to find and protect Aurian but we would also be charged with protecting you." He could see the ire rising in Sideswipe's optics. He didn't believe he would have another attack and so thought Optimus's reasoning was faulty. "I am sorry Sideswipe, I cannot allow you to go." With this Ironhide grabbed the younger bot, pinning him so that Ratchet was able to administer the sedative with somewhat lessened trouble.

"FRAG YOU TO THE PIT YOU GLITCHED PSYCHOPATH!" Sideswipe roared, his voice shaking nearby building. Ironhide nearly released him from the ache in his audio receptors, thankfully the sedative was quick acting and though the mech was able to pull away he didn't get far. "Frag you all." He groaned as he collapsed to the ground.

_"Was that really necessary?"_ The simple clip echoed through the sudden silence of the room.

"It is for the best." Optimus declared, though even he didn't sound fully convinced.

"He isn't operating with a clear processor, not to mention he's still damaged." Ratchet explained from his position next to the downed mech. His scans were turning out alarming results and he started to wonder if he should have used quite so much of the sedative. "Jolt will be here with him." Was he telling himself or the others? "Lets get him to the brig." Ironhide was quick to help the CMO lift the limp form.

Bumblebee, for what it was worth, could sympathize with Sideswipe's plight. If it had been him in this situation and Sam were being held captive by the Decepticons, _nothing_ would stop him from rescuing the human. Not that he blamed Optimus either, with Sideswipe already being injured, not to mention the possibility of sparkshock (not something he wanted to think about) the mech was in no condition to rush into battle. _"Damned if you do, damned if you don't."_ The familiar human term seemed fitting for Sideswipe's position.

The human portion of the group entered the meeting room somewhat reluctantly. Will and Rob were looking around nervously and the soldiers that followed seemed a bit timid themselves. "Hey, you got him under control?" Rob asked no one in particular, though the 'him' he was referencing was no where to be seen.

"Sideswipe will remain here with Jolt." Optimus considered the humans, Sideswipe's shouting must have unnerved them. "What of Roger Campton?"

"That man's as stubborn as anyone I've ever met!" Will laughed, "He will be staying behind." What Will failed to mention was that the man had been placed in lockdown for the time being. "So we ready to move out?"

"As soon as Ratchet and Ironhide return we will go over the plan one more time before heading out." Optimus drew himself back to the task at hand. No amount of worrying would help the young mech and he had more important things to focus on. "Is your team prepared?"

"As much as we can be. You know how many 'Con's we're going up against yet?" Will was nervous. This was an assault on a Decepticon hideout. Normally they found the bots when they were out in the open or on their own, not gathered and organized.

"An exact number could not be confirmed, however we do know there are at least three active Decepticons in the area. They may all be there."

"We ever figure out why they took her?" Rob asked the burning question.

"Unfortunately the best option we could conclude was that they know we have Barricade and hope to use her as leverage for his release."

"That doesn't sound promising. You said they never trade prisoners."

"They do not."

_"Fear is your weakness...never give up hope...sometimes things change, people change..."_ Bumblebee strung together movie clips, the whole time giving positive gestures.

"We can never give up hope." Optimus agreed.

"But a 'Con is a 'Con and they never change." Ironhide added as he entered the room, Ratchet decidedly missing. "Said he needed to give Sides a counter to the sedative, something about too much for his damaged systems I guess." He answered to Optimus's questioning look, "Don't worry," he added quickly seeing the alarm growing in his leader's features, "Ratchet said it was nothing major, just a precaution."

Optimus looked over the room noting that Skids and Mudflap had made their way into the meeting shortly after Ironhide. "Well, since Ratchet's position is backup, we might as well go ahead and review, I do not feel comfortable with further delay."

"I second that." Ironhide stated.

"Yeah, us too!" Skids cheered.

_"Not one to join the crowd...hit the ground running!"_ Bumblebee added excitedly.

There was a round of cheers from the humans as well. Everyone was ready to get moving, the situation did not sit well with anyone and they all wanted it resolved quickly. Aurian may not have been the most loved person at the base but there was a certain measure of honor to be settled in the fact that a civilian under their protection had been abducted by their enemies.

"All right then." Optimus began to explain in detail the terms of their plan. The Decepticon 'hideout', as they had all come to call it, was nestled in some ancient plateau ruins several hours northwest of the Autobot base. They were going to travel by carrier jet to the location and drop a few miles away to hopefully maintain secrecy. Ratchet would set up a fall back point that could be reasonably defended and hold until he either received transmission to move forward or the others rejoined him.

Optimus had not been thrilled with the idea of leaving the medic alone but there was little choice with their current team. He had almost wished Sideswipe was well enough that Jolt could join them but with his most recent damages along with the ominous attack on his systems there was no way they could leave him without someone with some medical training. Jolt was not versed in human medicine as of yet so was the better choice to remain behind. Likely Aurian was going to need Ratchet immediately...if she was still alive.

The first team would consist of Bumblebee, Optimus and half of the human team. They would approach and Optimus would provide cover while Bumblebee attempted to gain access into the ruins and locate Aurian. Once that was done, one of two plans would take effect.

One: Aurian would be located and Ironhide, Skids, Mudflap and the other half humans would provide a distraction while Bumblebee, retreated with Aurian and transported her to Ratchet while Optimus and the humans with him once again provided cover and further distraction so that the scout could make a clean escape with his cargo.

Or, Two: Aurian was not located and the second team; Ironhide, Skids, Mudflap and the other half of the humans would begin an assault on the outside of the ruins while Optimus, Bumblebee and the humans with them invaded to seek out the human woman or find information on where she may have been relocated.

If all went as planned then they hoped to have Aurian returned to them and the Decepticons in custody. If it did not...well, Optimus did not want to think of what that would lead to.

Ratchet had joined the meeting mid review. He looked concerned but when Optimus questioned him via their private communications he assured him there was nothing to worry about.

They left with eagerness and high spirits. If it was only three Decepticons they were sure of their victory and further then that was the fact that if they were not truly organized then it wold be highly unlikely they would come across all three of them at this hideout. There were only two among the party who did not partake of the blind hope; Optimus and Ratchet.

Optimus was still concerned as to why they had taken Aurian in the first place. From what Sideswipe had described to them of the occurrences leading up to him being left in such a helpless position had him believing that they had used Sideswipe as bait to draw out Aurian. Still the question was _why_? What did they know of the woman, or was it truly an attempt at freeing Barricade? They had made no demands so that seemed somehow unlikely.

Ratchet was worried for several different reasons. One, his primary concern of the moment, Aurian had now been more then two days without the medication to treat the energon poisoning her system. Not to mention whatever it was the Decepticons did to her while she was in their custody. Second was Sideswipe. Already injured and now suffering from what would appear to be sparkshock, that is if you overlooked the fact he seemed to come out of it so suddenly, and his strong drive to save the human Aurian. Not that any one of the Autobots had not had the drive to go after the woman, his seemed a little too strong for the friendship they had formed out of need for a companion. The third was completely out of his hands and that was Sunstreaker. If Sideswipe's pain had been his twins then something horrible had happened and there was nothing he could do about it. All in all, the medic was stressed.

Ironhide, though thoroughly eager to trash some Decepticons, was trying to piece together the puzzle himself. He also felt that the 'Con's had used Sideswipe as a lure, but to what end?

"Drop point in ten!" Will alerted them all from his position near the cockpit. The plan was for the Autobots to drop first, then the human teams would parachute after them, everyone would regroup on the ground and they would put their strategy in motion.

Optimus went first, followed by Ratchet, then Ironhide, then Bumblebee and last the twins practically going at the same time.

Everything went well and everyone found themselves safely on the ground and regrouped within fifteen minutes of the first jump.

Optimus looked over the group, why did he have a bad feeling about all this? With a nod the small first team headed out to implement their plans.

::Do you get the feeling this is all going too smoothly?:: Bumblebee questioned silently.

::Just keep your sensors on full alert...and be careful.:: Optimus wasn't sure he wanted to allow the scout to continue on his own. If he was caught... 'Bumblebee's a strong soldier,' he reminded himself, 'he can handle himself.'

Bumblebee crept closer to the cliff carved ruins of some old Earth culture that had gone extinct some several hundred years ago. The structure its self was rather haunting in the early morning grays and blues. There were still several hours before the sun would begin to peek over the horizon but to his highly tuned optics everything was as clear as if it were high noon.

A bot size entrance had been carved out of the stone recently and Bumblebee only slightly got the sensation that this was a trap as he crept inside. He had all his signals blocked, meaning he could neither send nor receive any transmission with his comrades.

The inside was much like the outside; carved of stone and without anything giving a clue as to whether or not the Decepticons were still present. Deeper and deeper into the structure he went, growing more tense with each step. Something was wrong.

Finally a light lead him to a room that had been moderately 'modernized', complete with electronics and storage units. A chemical that hung thick in the air caught in his olfactory sensors. It was a scent he had become familiar with since he had come to live with humans...blood.

Not wanting to see what lay beyond the room but knowing he had to Bumblebee searched for any sign that there was anyone else present. There were no returns on his lite scans; too gentle for a normal bot to pick up on yet enough to generally give him a reading of bodies, so he moved forward. The room its self was disturbing. The machinery was all of medical design of one type or another, not that he could name what all of them did but there was just something about medical equipment. The scent of blood grew thicker as he moved toward the only other exit in the room which lead to another 'modernized' room. Inside this second room he found half of what he feared he would find.

::Optimus, it's a trap!:: He shouted over his link. It didn't matter any longer if the Decepticons heard him because they were already aware of the Autobot presence.

The silver berth lay empty, though deep gashes were carved into it's surface and filled with dark, fresh human blood reading in Cybertronian; 'You fools'.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Sideswipe groaned as his systems came back online. 'What hit me?' He wondered of the ache in his processor. Then in a sudden rush it hit him. "Spark of a half processed glitch!" He growled as he took in his surroundings. They had locked him in the brig. _The brig_! How was he going to get out of here? He had to go to Aurian, she needed him and here he was locked away like some criminal. Maybe he deserved to be locked up but not while Aurian was in trouble. He promised whatever deity would hear him that he would willingly submit to imprisonment for however long would satisfy Ironhide's anger if he could just get out and find her.

"Hey." A small but stern voice called out drawing Sideswipe's attention to a point just beyond his cell. There stood the human that he had seen with Aurian. "You that Side-whatever guy?"

"Sideswipe." He growled. That human had failed the one thing he had asked him to to, protect Aurian. "What do you want."

"You to do what you said you'd do." The human growled back in almost a matched tone to his own. "Aurian's in trouble and as much as I want to I can't save her."

Sideswipe was taken aback. This human was strait to the point, no softening the truth, no hiding behind false guises of a glorified hero. "And?"

"And you're gonna do it, right?"

"How do you purpose I do that from here?"

The human gained something of a smug look as he approached Sideswipe's cell, "I may not be some warrior class robot," he tore open a small access panel that Sideswipe was pretty sure none of the Autobots were even aware was there; not to mention that even if they had it was really too small to be of any good to them. After a moments pause to examine the equipment beyond and a few deft motions the cell was opened, "but I am a tech geek and I can override simple locking commands."

Sideswipe didn't know what to say. Simple locking commands? The Autobot cells had more then ten thousand lines of coding locking them to prevent hackers from escape...apparently human 'tech geeks' were no mere hackers. "You're going to be in serious trouble when they discover what you've done, human."

"Names Roger. Remember it. And that's why I'm going with you. Like Hell I'm gonna sit here on my ass and wait for some stuffy military know-it-all to tell me I did the wrong thing."

Sideswipe at first wanted to deny the human, after all Aurian had been the only one to ride in his cab and he'd rather keep it that way...however, if Aurian was hurt she would benefit from a human to help her, even if it was only to get her to the safety of his interior. "All right...Roger..." He shifted into his sleek car mode; "Get in, sit down and hold on."

"Nice." Was Roger's comment as he did what he was told. Sideswipe only spared a moment to be amused at the sheer lack of reaction to the speed he put on to escape the base before they could be discovered. Clearly this Roger human was not processing with all his chips.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; hope in one hand..._

_ I became aware of being carried. There was a familiar sensation of warm metal and that strange sound I had some to know as a mech's inner workings. I tried to open my eyes, they didn't want to work but at the very least I got a blurry glance at silver plate metal surrounding me. Instantly I thought of one mech, the one that at this very moment I wanted to see the most._

_ "Sideswipe?" I asked hopefully..._

_ "You wish."_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

**AN: Hmm...okay, this chapter is a bit disjointed but I think my points got across? At any rate, hope you enjoyed it enough to hang on for the next chapter. There will be some action to be had. ^_^!**  
_


	23. Journal Entry 23

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~Action! Yay!**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma), but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

It wasn't so much a battle as it was a scramble. The Decepticons had known the Autobots were coming and had planned accordingly.

Once Bumblebee's transmission broke the 'radio silence', as the humans called it, explosions erupted throughout the plateau causing rock slides all around the area trapping the scout inside the structure. Optimus had been pressed to guard the retreating humans from the large rubble that fell all around them and so had been completely unable to aid the younger bot.

Ironhide, Skids and Mudflap had immediately been bombarded by enemy munitions from all sides. Some of the fire that rained down on them the weapons specialist quickly determined were remote operated turrets but they did make it difficult to determine how many actual enemies they were facing. The human team with them had scrambled for cover until a target could be identified.

Ratchet had moved quickly to aid Optimus and his human team and so had found himself in a prime position to see some of the enemies that were attacking and one that was in a hasty retreat from the battle. ::They're distracting us!:: He warned as he fired at one of the enemies pinning Ironhide's team.

::Really? You think?:: Ironhide transmitted back full of sarcasm. He followed Ratchet's fire to reveal the location of their target and quickly relayed it to his human team. Humans were nothing if not creative in battle. They immediately developed a plan, using Ironhide as a distraction to the enemy they would surround the one Decepticon and take him down before he knew they were there. ::Where is the primary target?::

::The one retreating. He's hiding something. Heading North-East at high speed.::

::Bumblebee, report!:: Optimus demanded once the humans were safely beyond the falling rocks. He scanned the area, searching for signs of enemies and for the scout.

::I'm trapped. No damage.::

Optimus and Ratchet engaged the second attacker. ::Confirmed.:: Optimus could also see the Decepticon in retreat. If they didn't get after him soon they would lose him. ::Ironhide, what is your status?::

::We're still pinned by this slagger!:: He was frustrated that he couldn't maneuver himself into a position to take out the Decepticon himself. The twins with him were busy taking out the remote turrets.

"Ratchet, go." Optimus ordered. He could hold off his larger Decepticon foe until Ironhide and his team were free.

"On it." Ratchet wasn't much for battle, he'd much rather try to solve things without weapons, however the situation left him with no options. If he did not fire on the retreating mech he would never catch him.

::Do it and kill the human.:: Came a warning transmission from his target.

* * *

Faster. He had to go faster.

Roger couldn't even begin to guess the speeds they were traveling at and he could swear that they were continuing to increase speed as they went. He couldn't see anything beyond the windows but blurs. The pressure in his chest was clear testament to the dangers of traveling at these speeds but like hell was he going to say anything. Aurian was in trouble and they had to get to her before... 'Before what? They kill her? If that's what they wanted to do they'd have done it by now.' Still, they had to get to her.

Too far. There was just too much distance to go! Sideswipe could feel his spark pulsing erratically, panic was setting in. There!

Spinning his tires backward to slow his acceleration and sending his frame into a spin he threw open his door releasing the human within to spill out beside a large rocky overhang before he flung himself forward again, triggering his transformation sequence as he went. Colliding with the silver vehicle, Sideswipe sought out what he knew to be there. "Where is she!" He demanded.

"Foolish Autobot!" The Decepticon laughed, triggering his own transformation. He managed to shove Sideswipe away long enough to produce a human sized container. "Attack me and I will destroy it!"

Sideswipe froze. He couldn't scan through the case so did not know if Aurian was truly within but if he did nothing... He found himself thrown as another Decepticon attacked him.

Dead End pulled the Autobot into a full grapple. "Why do you bother?"

"You wouldn't get it!" Sideswipe snarled as he threw his weight to give him the upper hand. Pulling his blades and pressing them into the Decepticon he tried to sever vital lines but the 'Con was able to shift just as he came down. He still took painful damage, though it was far from life threatening. Not wanting to be delayed by the red mech any further Sideswipe did not follow as Dead End pulled away, his interest was Sideways and the human sized container he held.

Much to his alarm the other Decepticon had continued his retreat, now a great distance away from him. Shifting as he moved forward Sideswipe put on as much speed as he could to catch up to the other mech, though he found himself hard pressed by the shots raining down on him from behind. Normally he would have disposed of the other enemy before bothering to pursue another but this time there was a life at stake that he had already failed to protect more then once. He would not fail again.

::Sideswipe what the Pit are you doing here!:: The angered, though somewhat relieved voice of their resident CMO pierced through his receptors, ::How did you get out of the brig?:: Ratchet only took a moment to assess everything that was happening. He had been going full speed trying to catch up to Sideways in his retreat and had not noticed Sideswipe's arrival until the mech had lept upon his target. When Dead End joined the scuffle he knew that they only stood a chance if Sideswipe could get away from the red mech. 'How many are there?' He wondered fearfully to himself.

::Less talk, more action!:: Sideswipe snarled. He really had much more he wanted to say but his focus was so intent on his target he couldn't spare the processor space to bother vocalizing his real thoughts. He was relieved when he heard Ratchet engaging the Decepticon behind him. Now he could focus completely on catching Sideways.

Seeming to understand his eminent demise should the Autobot catch him, Sideways poured on every ounce of speed he could tearing off into the desert, Sideswipe hot on his tail. The sound of battle faded in the distance and any hope of back up for either mech faded as well. Sideways quickly realized that he had no chance of escaping the demon on his aft unless he thought of something and fast.

Obviously his pursuer was after the human, though he had not known the details of it he knew the human had some kind of special qualities to it. The Doctor and Starscream had been absolutely obsessed with it right up until Starscream left to 'acquire the appropriate troops' for some mission he suddenly had created. The Doctor had continued to obsess on the creature, though his obsession was something more born out of scientific curiosity. Pit, Sideswipe had nearly allowed himself to be deactivated before when the human had screamed... "You want it?" Sideways shouted as loudly as he could, triggering his transformation sequence and pulling the case he carried from its hidden compartment, "You better catch!" He threw the thing as hard as he could in the opposite direction he was traveling, satisfied to see that the case was heading directly for one of the deep canyons that peppered the deserts regions of this planet. "See ya!" He offered as he reverted back to his alt mode and hauled as much speed from his already tired engine as he could. If he could just get enough distance he would be free. So what if Starscream and the Doctor would be angry at him? His life wasn't worth one puny fleshbag, special or not.

Sideswipe's spark stopped as the case flew over his head. If Aurian was in that thing and it hit the ground...he slammed on his brakes and threw himself around. All sensors locked on the case he searched for anything at all that would tell him that the human wasn't actually there but in his spark he knew, _knew_ that she was. So when he reached the canyon edge he did not think twice about leaping over the side to catch the case and wrap himself around it to protect it from any damage as they fell to the canyon floor.

Landing was...painful...but he didn't care. His interest was completely the case that he had managed to save from certain destruction. 'How does it work?' He wondered as he examined it. It was large enough for a human and was sealed in a very Cybertronian fashion, with hundreds of thousands of coding that he didn't have time to decipher. 'Roger.' The other human's ease with the cell coding instantly lept to the forefront of his processor.

As soon as he managed to get back to the top of the canyon Sideswipe forced his systems to shift back into his alt mode, accommodating the case he now held dear. Several warnings were triggered, his previous damages were not helped any by the fall and the excess of the case did not agree with his shifting systems. 'Just have to get back.' He coached himself.

By the time he returned to where he had left Ratchet the mech had Dead End subdued. ::Report?:: The CMO asked as the silver Stingray sped past him.

::I'll let you know when I do.:: He didn't want to talk to the medic right now, truthfully he wasn't sure he ever wanted to talk to the medic again after the dirty trick he had pulled on him. Any of them for that matter. If they had let him come in the first place it wouldn't have gotten this far. Scanning for the human he had left so abruptly behind, Sideswipe realized that he may have injured the man by throwing him at such speeds. 'Primus let him be at least functional.'

When the human came into view Sideswipe thought he had never felt so relieved. He shifted back to his bipedal form and gently placed the case down before the stunned man. "Are you injured?"

"Nothin' too bad." Roger shrugged. He had revived several nasty road rashes for the prize of being thrown from a car traveling at nearly light speed but that wasn't much considering he could have broken every bone in his body. Granted he was going to feel it in the morning but he was willing to accept that as long as this robot had saved Aurian. "Where is she?"

Sideswipe pushed the case toward him nervously, "I think she's in here...I can't open it."

"Got it." Roger didn't have to be told twice what was expected from him and he set to work right away. He was surprised that this seemingly simple case had more coding then the prison cell had, though it only took him slightly longer to override the mechanisms and open the case. "Oh...no..."

Sideswipe leaned over so that he too could see what Roger saw and really wished he hadn't. ::Ratchet, get to my location NOW!:: He completely ignored that he was ordering a superior officer and that he was doing so in such a bold tone.

::What is it Sideswipe?:: Ratchet's concern was greater then any anger he may have had at the insubordination.

::Just...get here.:: Inside the case was exactly whom Sideswipe had expected, however her condition was far beyond what he had imagined. To have found her dead may have been a kinder fate. For all of them.

Aurian was covered in her own blood, her clothing shredded revealing several telling marks. Her skin was pale and her breathing was shallow. 'At least she's still breathing.' Sideswipe assured himself. His spark felt numb.

"Auri?" Roger spoke softly, as if his words may hurt her further. What had they done to her? She looked like...well, like Hell. "Hey, can you hear me?"

They were both surprised when the woman actually opened her eyes, though they seemed unfocused. "Roger?"

"Yeah, it's me. Me and Sideswipe. We came for you."

"Sideswipe?"

"I'm here." He didn't know what else to say. Sorry I failed you? Sorry I let those Pit spawned glitches get their hands on you? That wasn't going to make it any better.

"I'm sorry!" Her wailing sorrow blew Sideswipe away. "I didn't want to, I tried! I swear I tried!" She sobbed painfully, trying to hide in her own arms.

"What are you talking about?" Roger tried to coax the woman out of her defeated position.

"Starscream, he knows about the shard." Aurian refused to look at either of them. She was so disappointed in herself she couldn't even imagine what they would think. Not that Roger would understand any of it...how had Roger even gotten here? "I told him about the shard, about the base...I didn't know where it was and he wasn't happy about that but now he knows there _is_ a base at some military outpost...Gods Sides, I told him _everything_!" She sobbed violently with the realization. When it had all happened she hadn't thought about what was going to happen to anyone else, only that she wanted the pain to stop and she would do anything for that. Even afterward, somewhere deep down inside, she thought she would never have to face the Autobots again so wouldn't have to see how her selfish needs had ruined them and was okay with that. Now she was more ashamed of herself then she had been at the time because now she knew she _had_ felt that way. "I'm so sorry!"

Sideswipe didn't know what to say. So what if they knew about the shard? It was safe. What about the base? The Decepticons surely knew they had a base of operations at any rate and the fact that they were working with humans would lead to the conclusion that they had military back up. The location had not been disclosed so no big loss there... "Don't cry." Was that the best thing he could say? He wanted to pick her up, to hold her close to his spark and show her just how everything would be okay but he couldn't. First of all she was badly damaged and if he moved her he could hurt her further or even deactivate her accidentally and second, she was human and the gesture would be lost on her. His rage was quickly out weighing his fear and sorrow. Those fraggers had _hurt_ her! They had hurt his _sister_!

When Ratchet finally arrived Sideswipe was near berserk with his anger and before the medic could say anything the younger mech transformed and tore off in the direction Optimus and the others were still fending off the Decepticons that had remained behind. "Sideswipe!" He called out futility after the mech. "What's got his gears so twisted?" He asked as he turned back to the scene he had driven up on.

The human Roger was kneeling beside a Cybertronian built storage/transport container, the look on his face telling volumes of what lay within. With scanners running before he began moving Ratchet was suddenly all too aware of what was going through Sideswipe's processor and truthfully he would have gladly joined the younger mech in the total destruction he was about to rend if the human within that container was not in such dire need of him. "Primus..."

"You can save her...right?" Roger sounded quite calm for the pale look of death that consumed his features.

"If I don't there will be far greater demons released upon the sparks of the Decepticons then that which they are feeling now." Ratchet set to his work. Another battle for life fought on the battlegrounds of this Primus forsaken war. "May Primus have mercy on their souls."

* * *

Optimus was far stronger then his opponent, there was no question about that, however the Decepticon was swift and clever. He had not taken much damage from his foe but neither had he been able to lay any serious blows to him, so the struggle went on.

Ironhide's roars of anger could be heard loud and clear from a great distance. The warrior mech thoroughly frustrated with his opponents preference's of laying decoys and attacking from another direction all together. How he managed to move so quickly was beyond Ironhide and the fragger's tactics kept changing! As soon as he thought he had the 'Con pinned, he found _another_ decoy and would be laid upon by the enemies blows from behind, or on the side...depending on where he _thought_ the mech _should_ be.

The twins were likewise distracted by a smaller Decepticon who's tactics generally revolved around the fact that the twins were so keen on each other that their usual advantage of their link worked against them. He would plague one twin until the other was obsessed with protecting his brother and then shift his target in an instant doing the same to the other. Needless to say the con was thoroughly enjoying himself and the twins were cursing in so many different languages and with such creativity that any who spared a moment to listen might think they had created a whole new language of nothing but slurs and condemnations.

The humans were pelting their respective mech partner's foes whenever an opening was provided them, however much of their time was spent in avoiding being stepped on or becoming cannon fodder. It was at this stage of the battle that humans were not of much use. They had taken down one foe by surprise but now that the Decepticons were aware of their presence and their intentions none provided them with a second chance at such a tactic. A good portion of them had set to trying to unearth the scout, not that their efforts would go far without one of the mechs to aid them with the larger debris and melted rock but at the very least they could get the smaller rubble out of the way to expedite the rescue.

Bumblebee was thoroughly frustrated with his own situation. He was trapped inside the collapsed Decepticon hideout, completely unable to join in the battle. With much of the rock entombing him melted by the instant heat of the bombs that had caused this cave in he was helpless to do much for it, so instead turned his attention to the still remaining computers. The Decepticons had done much to either erase or encrypt much of the data held within what remained of the equipment, however what was left for easy access was nothing short of disturbing. He was sure that the 'Cons had wanted one of them to find this information. Downloading all he could onto an external drive; he didn't trust the 'Cons not to hide a virus within the information; Bumblebee reviewed the files. Medical examinations that the Decepticon field medic Scalpel had so detailedly described right down to the most minute component. He felt sick.

::Optimus,:: a weak warning call came over the Autobot broad link, ::Sideswipe is on his way...I suggest everyone stay out of his way.:: Ratchet's tone was grim and all the Autobots instantly knew that Aurian had been recovered, however if she was still alive? That was the question.

::If these documents are anything close to truth,:: Bumblebee added, ::I don't blame him.:: He transmitted what he could to Ratchet in hopes that Scalpel's files may help him in his endeavors. The CMO was stunned to say the very least but accepted the information willingly. Knowing what had been done to the human could save her life.

The warning of Sideswipe's imminent arrival had not come a moment too soon as the Stingray sped into the fray, hardly pausing long enough to shift into his bipedal form, blades already poised to strike before he lept upon Ironhide's attacker. The Decepticon hadn't even had a moment to scream as he was torn asunder by the mech's weapons. Then he was gone, slipped back to his alt mode and seeking out his next target leaving Ironhide to stare down at the mangled corpse before him that was still _online_, slowly fade to the matrix. Sideswipe's attack had been so fast that the mech had not been deactivated, or had that been his intention? Watching the younger warrior come upon his next victim Ironhide could not be sure.

Desperately trying to protect his now seriously wounded brother Mudflap was all but useless for battle. He himself had sustained severe damages from the tricky 'Con that had been relentless in his attacks on them and could do no more then to use himself as a shield. His spirits were instantly soothed as the silver mech appeared, dangling the thrice cursed mech from his hand though amazed horror quickly replaced it as he watched the seemingly deranged mech plunge a hand deep into the Decepticon's chest and pull free his spark, crushing it until it burst in his hand. Mudflap instantly covered his brother once more as the enraged glare of the larger mech scanned over them before locking on a new target and moving on.

The last of the Decepticons that had remained to 'distract' the Autobots was not unaware of his companions demise, nor to the horror they had experienced just prior to their introduction to the matrix. He wished to have _no_ part of it and wisely maneuvered himself so that the Prime was between him and the demon ravaging the battlefield. He waited for the mech to come closer then shoved Optimus at just the right point to send the large mech stumbling. Whether or not he fell was of no concern to the Decepticon, only that his unbalanced path would collide with the silver mech racing toward them. His timing was such that Sideswipe would have no chance to avoid the larger mech's form and would either have to stop or let himself be stepped and/or fallen on by his leader.

It had worked, allowing the Decepticon the chance at escape he was hoping for. The weapons specialist was too far away to engage and the other two Autobots were far too damaged to even attempt. However, what he had not counted on was the sheer rage propelling the silver demon as plasma tore through his frame from the young mech.

Seeing the trap for what it was Sideswipe had plowed forward, transforming as he lept into a belly flop on the ground. Optimus had indeed stepped on him and he was sure, somewhere deep in his processor, that it had hurt pretty badly but he had other concerns at the moment. He pulled one of his rarely used plasma weapons and shot at the Decepticon in his retreat, though the fact that he was being stepped on prevented him from aiming a fatal blow to the odd vehicle as it made its escape. Sideswipe attempted to pursue but for some reason he could not transform into his alt mode so he tried to rise instead. He found himself unsteady, weak and...

A pain wracked screech pierced the early dawn stillness and all mechs that were able turned in the direction of the sound. Only one knew what it was and shared a scream in kind before falling to his knees in agony.

Optimus went to Sideswipe while Ironhide ran toward the other scream. No one knew what to say.

* * *

**So, the Decepticon count in this entery is...6 that were accounted for. No, I don't have spacific names for all of them but some of them yes. No, none of them are the crazy little mad doctor that tortured Aurian, there are plans for the creepy little bot though so no fear! For those of you who were hoping to see more Aurian in this one, I'm sorry. She's coming back I swear! And, I'm sorry there wasn't more retribution in this entry. I tried to get more in but it just started to feel too forced so I gave and went with this instead. I liked it so, -_-; hope you do too!**


	24. Journal Entry 24

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Alright everyone. Here is a touch of fluff, hope it satisfies.**_

**~~~Go see these. It is SO AWESOME and sticks in your head. Watch them in this order please because it is funny...**

**http:// www .youtube. com/watch ?v=at_ f98qOGY0**

**http:// www .youtube. com/watch ?v=a0jZzBEKIMc**

**http:// www .youtube. com/watch ?v=orSUUgcdtGI**

**Boom De Yada!!!**

**The first one is addictive...the second one is awesome because seeing Optimus Prime singing is far too awesome to not share...and the third one...well...come on, we're all fans, who doesn't appreciate that! Yay Discovery channel and making my life just a little bit better. ^_^!**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma), but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; levels_

_ There are so many different levels of pain that it hardly seems like a worthwhile effort to explain all of them. So, lets just review a few, shall we?_

_ 1: Emotional. The pain caused physically by emotions such as loss, trauma, sorrow, grief...those kinds of thing._

_ 2: Physical. Yeah, the kind you get when you break a leg, cut your hand, step on a fraggin' sticker...that kind of stuff._

_ 3: Spiritual. The kind that effects your very core being. It can have nasty side effects on both emotional and physical levels...which generally effect each other anyway making spiritual pain probably the worst of them all._

_ Those are the basics, or so I thought._

_ Even as I lay there in a half state of existence with Ratchet hovering over me ~not that I remember or could even register _what_ he was doing~ and Roddi whispering soft words of encouragement somewhere nearby, I became all too aware of a new pain. A kind I had never felt before and could really live the rest of my life never feeling again. It ripped through my chest like my heart was being torn from my body but it didn't just affect my heart. No, it tore through my veins and my head and my lungs and about every other part of me I never wanted to feel and it didn't stop there. I felt angry and sad and desperate and defeated and...so much more all at once in a way that was confusing and frustrating and even further then that. Gods it was horrible!_

_ I screamed, I know I did because I remember my lungs aching for air after I had released every last little bit of reserve within them. Oddly enough, once it subsided there was only one thing I could think of...Sideswipe._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Ratchet was thrown by the absolute agony in Aurian's scream. He had administered a rather strong analgesic that should have abated any pain she may have been feeling along with a mild sedative that should have left her in a state of euphoria. However the echoing cry from the direction he had left the others still battling the remaining Decepticons in had his processor spinning rapidly. ::Optimus, what is going on?::

::The Decepticons have been subdued. Sideswipe is injured. What is your current situation?::

::I am tending to Aurian. She's...bad. I'm going to have to get her back to base quickly. How bad is Sideswipe's damage?::

There was a long pause before he got any response, ::I am unsure. He is in distress.:: There was another moment before the Autobot leader continued, ::Do you think...::

::No clue.:: Ratchet cut in, ::Can you get him back to base?::

::It appears he cannot transform. Will says he can get the carrier to land near by this location. I will send coordinates.::

Ratchet considered the trembling woman before him. It would be faster to travel by carrier and he could tend to her during the flight. ::Understood. They had better land soon.::

At that time Ironhide appeared, rushing at top speed toward them, his optics locked on Ratchet's hunched over form. Seeing the human Roger holding desperately to something, rocking slightly and mumbling quietly did nothing to assure him of what he was coming upon. "Ratchet?"

"Ironhide? What are you doing? You should be helping the others."

"Just wanted to..." He had come to stand beside the medic and for the first time had a clear view of what the CMO was doing. "Primus."

"Go back and help Optimus with Sideswipe."

"Sideswipe?" Aurian's weak voice cause everyone to freeze where they stood. "Where?"

"He's fine." Ironhide grumbled softly, "Made those 'Con's pay." She whimpered but seemed accepting of Ironhide's answer.

::Go make sure that when they load Sideswipe he's not visible.:: Ratchet resumed his work, not sparing the weapons specialist a second glance, ::I don't want her to see him.::

::Right.:: Ironhide turned to leave just as Optimus sent the coordinates for the carrier. ::They didn't pay nearly enough for this.::

::Agreed.::

Upon returning to the scene of the battle, Ironhide was a bit stunned. Sideswipe was standing, aided by Optimus, but he looked...empty. "Sides?"

"He is not responding." Optimus explained even as Ironhide ducked under the smaller mech's arm to help lead him toward the carrier.

"Is his damage that bad?"

"I'm not sure." Optimus sighed heavily, "I fear it may be sparkshock."

"Primus, that's all we need now."

The two larger mechs all but carried Sideswipe to the carriers location. Once they boarded Ironhide remembered Ratchet's orders. "We've got to get him somewhere out of sight. Ratchet doesn't want Aurian to see him."

With the mention of the woman's name Sideswipe became tense and looked around, searching. "Where?" He asked groggily.

"She's coming." Ironhide was confused by the response. It was so similar to Aurian's own at the mention of his name... "Just sit and relax. We're going to cover you up, okay?"

The younger mech grunted but allowed himself to be seated in a corner and covered by a protective tarp. Optimus and Ironhide shared a worried look, the younger warrior was never known for his placidness.

"I will be remaining here. Bumblebee is still trapped in the caves." Optimus explained, "Do you think you can manage?" The; 'when Sideswipe recovers and goes ballistic', was not spoken but understood.

"Yeah." Ironhide was concerned for the scout as well but he knew that if Optimus was staying behind that the mech would be alright. "How'd this all get so fragged up so fast?" He asked no one in particular.

Optimus felt the same way. It seemed things were turning violently away from what they thought they were headed towards. "This may only be an omen of what is yet to come."

"Primus save us if it is."

::Is Sideswipe secured?:: Ratchet asked, the familiar rumble of his engine preceding him.

::Yes.:: Optimus answered, glancing at the still mech once more. ::How is she?::

"Stable." Optimus immediately noticed the extra passenger as Ratchet rolled up the ramp. The man sat in the front seat but was turned to the back, where Aurian lay most likely, and was completely unconcerned with the goings on around him.

"I thought," Optimus turned to where the humans were making themselves comfortable, "That Roger Campton was going to remain at the base." He fixed Will with a pointed look, though the Major returned a look in kind.

"I thought Sideswipe was going to stay behind too." He noted wryly, although he couldn't stop himself from looking at the man that should have still been in lockdown back at the base. 'How did he get out?'

Optimus chose not to continue the conversation as the Major had a very valid point. He could guess how the human had ended up out here, now the 'why' was unclear but that was something that could be answered later.

A loud groan grabbed everyone's attention, anxiety instantly raising within all of them as Sideswipe pulled himself from his secured position and even further when Ratchet started protesting. Aurian was indeed in the back of his alt mode and was now struggling with his unopening doors. Roger was trying to convince her to lay back down but it was all too clear to anyone who could see that the woman wasn't hearing him. She had one goal in mind and no amount of talk was going to change that. Sideswipe was struggling to gain his feet and it was causing havoc all around him as the humans tried to get out of his way and the two smaller twins tried to help balance him.

Ironhide finally intervened, pushing the unstable mech back to the floor. "Sit." He ordered. It was no effort for him to force the smaller warrior down, however the persistence was not gone and the second he released him he tried to rise again. "What the frag is going on here?" Ironhide asked hoping someone would answer. It was obvious that Sideswipe wasn't all that coherent and not really understanding what was going on, yet he still tried to gain his feet.

Optimus, watching the exchange with some level of fascination finally came to a conclusion. "Let them go." He ordered. Everyone looked at him dumbfounded though he did not stand down from his order.

Ratchet begrudgingly opened his door allowing the woman to slide out, his own suspicions the only thing stopping him from telling Optimus where he could put his order. Aurian was not stable on her feet and instantly collapsed to her knees once there was nothing to support her. Roger quickly followed and tried to help the woman up, however his efforts where ineffective as she was simply too disoriented to be stable. Sideswipe, now able to see the woman seemed suddenly cured of whatever lag was running through his systems and was able to go to her with no incident. He picked up the prone woman and held her close to his chest, a soft whir of sounds emitting from his vocalizer and the pair settled peacefully.

"What..." Ironhide stammered.

"It wasn't sparkshock." Ratchet spoke before he realized he was going to say anything at all. He had suspected something was amiss and now seeing the evidence before him he knew what had been going on with the twin. He transformed and devoted all his attention to the two beings now in a state of half rest, Aurian loosely gripping the edge of Sideswipe's plating and Sideswipe continually offering soft sounds of comfort.

"You're not saying..." Ironhide continued.

"No." Ratchet was both relieved and concerned with the results of his scans, "But I'm not saying that it isn't either."

* * *

Bumblebee was exhausted. It had taken hours to free him from the caves and afterwards they had driven all the way back to base. However his weariness did not stop him from doing what he knew needed to be done.

The med bay was quiet, a relief from what he had expected to find. Sideswipe never made med bay stays pleasant...for anyone, so the sheer lack of complaints told Bumblebee one of two things. Either the mech was recharging or he wasn't there. He hoped for the latter not only because he wanted the warrior to be alright but because what he had to give to Ratchet would surely set the mech off.

::Ratchet?::

"Bumblebee? Are you alright?" Ratchet had been studying something but abandoned it as soon as the young mech made his presence known.

::I'm fine, just tired. It's been a long night.::

"Tell me about it."

::How are they?:: There was no need to specify. Bumblebee was searching for the two he was asking about but could not locate them anywhere.

"They are resting." Ratchet indicated a room some distance away. "Couldn't separate them even for a klik. Luckily, despite the amount of damage to Aurian she was not in as dire a state as she appeared to be. Whatever they did to her, they repaired her as they went."

::Yeah. About that...:: Bumblebee held up the external drive he had downloaded all the information from the Decepticon computers onto. ::The stuff I sent you...that was the nice stuff.::

Ratchet accepted the device, looking at it as though it were something to be despised. "How much did you get decoded?"

::Enough to know I didn't want to see any more. It's all Scalpel's files. He's one messed up bot Ratchet. He's done some bad stuff.::

"I can only assume as much." Ratchet's optics flicked to the closed door the evidence of Scalpel's ministrations lay behind, curled against one of their own. Sideswipe, for all his damages had refused to be out of sight of the woman and any attempt to do otherwise had proven to be very poor decisions. Every bit the way the twin had ever acted toward his brother in similar situations... "Go get some rest. I'll see to this."

::I'll be headed back to the Witwicky's. With so many 'Con's unaccounted for in the area I don't feel comfortable leaving them unprotected.:: During all the chaos Dead End and Sideways had both escaped, along with the mech that Sideswipe had shot. The two bots that Sideswipe had deactivated had been recovered and their parts were on their way to their final resting place.

"You've told Optimus?"

::Yes.::

Ratchet would really rather have the scout remain on base long enough for a good recharge and a check up to assure that there was no damage to him during the explosions but even he couldn't argue with the young mech's desire to protect his friend and his family. The humans would likely be targets of the Decepticons for the same reason it had been they had targeted Aurian, whatever that may have been. "Contact me if you need anything." Concern filled the medic's voice, "Anything at all."

::Thanks Ratchet.:: Bumblebee smiled cheerily for the CMO, even if things looked bad right at this moment it was all okay because they were all alive and they had saved the woman. It was going to be a long drive back to the Witwicky's home but Bumblebee was eager to be on his way so he left the medic with his thoughts.

The med bay fell into silence once more and Ratchet was left with the device Bumblebee had given him. 'It could wait until morning...' He thought, though if he waited there may yet be something affecting Aurian that he had not discovered that could cause her long term damages. With a sigh he set to reviewing the information held within, all of his systems revolted by what he found.

* * *

Warm. She was warm and comfortable. There was a dull throbbing throughout her chest and head but that wasn't all that bothersome at the moment. With a contented sigh Aurian snuggled deeper into the warmth...the hard, metallic warmth.

Terror filled her as memories came flooding back and she tried to pull away from the metal surrounding her only to find herself held more firmly in place.

"Calm down, it's me." Came a soft voice, something familiar. "You're safe." The voice assured her.

"Sideswipe?"

"Yes."

"Where am I?"

"Back at base." Sideswipe pulled the now more relaxed woman back toward him. As strange as it had seemed to him not so long ago, he found he liked the human curled up against him.

Aurian thought as hard as she could. What had happened? She shivered as she remembered Scalpel climbing over her, cutting small openings into her skin, cackling something about foolish bots and their pets. The Doctor had allowed her to bleed for some time before another mech came and took her away. Sideways. She had allowed herself to believe that vile mound of metal had been Sideswipe for a moment, had even called out for him only to have that fragile hope bashed with his snide denial. Then there had been darkness. A lot of darkness. Then Roger... "Is Roger okay?"

"He's fine." Sideswipe had mixed feelings about the human. He was bold and pushy but he cared enough about Aurian to do whatever it took to help her.

"What about you?" Her voice was not very strong, more like a whisper then anything.

"I'll recover."

At this Aurian did pull away. She had to see for herself how badly the mech was damaged. It was her fault he had come in harms way. If she had not been so pathetic and cried that she wanted to go home... "I'm sorry Sides."

"Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Her guts clenched horribly as her memories cleared. She had told the Decepticons about the Allspark shard and about the base. "Oh, Gods Sides. What have I done?" She tried to escape Sideswipe's persistent embrace. He was not allowing her a way out, thwarting any move she made simply. "They know. I told them and now they know."

"Don't worry about it."

Aurian froze, suddenly all her hurt and self pity went away and was replaced by anger. "Don't worry about it?" She maneuvered herself to a position she could sufficiently glare at the mech. "Do you even realize how much I _know_? Even if it's not all true, what _is_ true is a lot and now they have it because..." with this her fire died, "Because I was too weak to keep my mouth shut."

"Decepticons are not good for much but one of the things they are good at is getting information. You tried and that is a lot more then even some of the strongest bots could say for themselves." Sideswipe moved the woman so she was sitting on his chest, "I'm sorry that you were taken by those Pit spawned glitches in the first place. I should have been more focused."

"What happened to you anyway?" Guilt flooded her whole being as she remembered Sideswipe laying upside down in the ditch behind her apartment.

Sideswipe grunted. He didn't really want to tell her that he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he had allowed the fraggers to sneak up on him and take him out with almost no trouble. Even further that during the battle that they had continually distracted him with his own thoughts making him an easy target to take down. "They snuck up on me."

"Snuck up on you?" Another wave of guilt washed through her and a feeling of longing as well. She suddenly missed someone very badly...but who?

"Yeah."

Aurian settled on the mech's chest plating. It was so warm and the thrum of his spark just below the surface was so pleasing. Even as she allowed that rhythmic beat lull her into a peacefulness she felt she didn't deserve she felt the longing creep through her entire being until it was strong enough it made her heart skip a beat...and the beat of Sideswipe's spark also paused for that half second. "You're missing Sunny, aren't you?"

Sideswipe wanted to deny it, mostly because Aurian was already so distraught over him that he didn't want her to worry about something that nobody could do anything about but partially because he didn't want to admit to himself that missing his twin was hurting him so much. "We have never been separated this long before."

"Can you...I mean, do you know..?"

"He's still alive, yeah. If he'd gotten himself killed I would know..." 'And so would you.' It was so strange to think of it and yet he was so accepting. Aurian was now a part of him...and he liked it.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Coming for me."

"I promised I would protect you...I couldn't just leave you there."

"Ratchet's going to kill us both."

Sideswipe couldn't stop the laughter that suddenly erupted from him, "Yeah." He agreed.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; imagine_

_ I was at ease while Sideswipe held me, even if I did kind of feel like a pet cat. For some reason when he was close I just felt safe. Like all the horrible things that had happened were nothing more then a dream and that nothing bad could happen to me anymore. It was so nice. However the moments of desperate longing for _someone_ kept radiating through me and each time it caused just a little more pain, the kind you get from being heartsick, and I started to notice that every time I felt that wave of longing Sideswipe would shift uncomfortably, his face twisted in the mask of aching._

_ Was I just imagining this? I knew he was missing his twin horribly and I was already so sympathetic to the mech and all his pain of which I felt directly responsible for maybe empathy wasn't that far a step._

_ At any rate. I was surprised that once he was given permission to leave the med bay, though not allowed to return to duty just yet, Sideswipe stayed. He stayed with me._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**Ended on a lite note. Hope it was a good read for you!**


	25. Journal Entry 25

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~So I think FanFiction Net doesn't like me. It took me almost 2 days to get this posted!! It kept locking me out. Dang. Well, anyway here ya go, hope it was worth the wait.**

** Okay, so I've deleted and reposted this, sorry if it's caused problems for anyone but the Alerts weren't going out so...-_-*  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma), but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

* * *

_Journal entry; walk softly_

_ Sideswipe eventually had to leave. It was inevitable and I knew it would happen but that doesn't mean I liked it. At first I was okay actually. Even a bit relieved, after all it's kind of strange to have a giant alien robot hang over you all the time. But once he was gone..._

_ I _knew_ Scalpel was there, crawling all over me and laughing. Every time I closed my eyes I could hear that little zapping noise as he shocked me back to wakefulness. I could feel his little claws digging in my skin and his probes crawling inside me._

_ Every time I drifted into a semi conscious state I would wake screaming until I puked. Ratchet's idea of help...didn't help..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian's screams echoed through the med bay like a horror movie. Ratchet was trying to sedate the woman but her terror was so great he was having trouble pinning her long enough to inject the sedative.

"NO!" She screamed tossing herself to the side once again avoiding Ratchet's tools. The silver instruments looked just like Scalpel in her mind and she couldn't understand how the little mech was able to hover like that but it didn't matter, she wouldn't let him get to her again! She grabbed at one of the mech's smaller limbs and twisted with all the force she could muster and was only slightly surprised that the piece came free, however the shout that came along with it was more then just a little surprising.

"Fraggin' femme!" Ratchet roared. He hadn't even considered that she might lash out at him so had not bothered to secure unneeded parts away from the human's hands. "Aurian," he tried hard to bring his voice back to a soothing level. Even if stinging pain radiated from the now dislocated device in his hand and his frustration levels were rising he knew that the woman was terrified and wasn't thinking strait. "You need to calm down, you're heart rate is beyond acceptable levels."

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Aurian thought she recognized the voice talking to her, but Scalpel was still hovering nearby, she couldn't take the time to think about who the voice sounded like. "I'LL TEAR YOU APART! I SWEAR I WILL!"

Ratchet had to consider the situation. Aurian wasn't yelling at _him_, she was yelling at his _hand_. Apparently he was the one causing her distress, or, his hand was at least. He slowly moved it away from the woman and observed as her breathing came easier and her tenseness started to dissipate. "Aurian?"

She jerked at the voice, she had been so fixed on Scalpel she hadn't noticed... "It was you?" Aurian looked up at Ratchet, her heart pounding in her throat. Now with the spindly threat gone she could think again and her brain was putting together the scene. "Ratchet..." she looked at the thing she still clutched in her hand. She had torn that from him! "Oh!" She dropped it and backed away shamefully, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to...well, I did mean to but I didn't think it was you! If I'd have known...I wasn't thinking!"

"It is alright."

"No it's not!"

"Aurian," Ratchet leaned over to be more level with the woman, "I did not take into consideration your trauma with...the Decepticon." He recovered his missing device and started to reattach it, "This is hardly damaging and is easily fixed."

"But..."

"But nothing. I was acting without thinking fully of the situation and your reactions were more then acceptable considering what you've been through. I thought I was helping but I suppose I was just scaring you. I apologize." He considered the womans haggard condition, "You have not been resting very well."

"Yeah..." Aurian sighed heavily and collapsed to the berth. Even after Sideswipe had left she had chosen to stay in the room they had shared, it felt safe...well, safer anyway. "Every time I close my eyes I see _him_." Even thinking of the vile little mech sent shivers through her body. "It's like I'm still there and he's still experimenting on me."

"After what you have been through a little residual is expected. I can give you something to help you sleep but I cannot make the memories go away." Ratchet was truly regretful that he couldn't do more. The woman had suffered through trauma that gave _him_ nightmares. He was actually rather impressed with how she was managing. Clinical research would have the subject degrading into a state of manic terror even during their waking hours. Aurian seemed to be able to put the brunt of it aside when she was fully cognate. "Has this gotten worse lately?"

"Yeah. I haven't really slept in..." she thought it over, the last time she remembered really sleeping was while Sideswipe had been holding her and even then she had awoken in a near panic, "I can't even remember. It's been a while."

"I will give you a mild sedative. It will help you sleep..." Ratchet was shifting through his tools once more, looking for the appropriate one.

"No!" Aurian scrambled away from the appendage, fear in her eyes, "No, please don't." Her voice shook as she tried her best to keep from screaming.

"Hmm." He returned his hand to its natural form, "You have to sleep Aurian."

"I will...I just need some time."

"And when you collapse?"

"Then I guess I'll sleep, won't I?" Aurian wrapped her arms around her knees and leaned her chin on them, "I'll be fine, Ratchet. Thanks."

Unconvinced Ratchet considered other options. Obviously he would not be able to directly administer a sedative to the woman without causing her undue stress, something she definitely did not need. However if he simply allowed her to continue as she was she could become ill and that would not do well for her already damaged body. "Perhaps something to eat will help?"

"Sure." Food did sound good, even if her stomach hurt from screaming so much. "I could go to the mess hall..."

"I don't want you wondering around." Ratchet turned away abruptly, "I will bring you something...is there anything you would like?" He paused at the door knowing Aurian would be disappointed she would not be allowed to leave but he did not want her coming to more harm when she was still recovering.

Aurian sighed. She tried often to be allowed to go get her own meals and was always denied. She understood Ratchet's thinking but that didn't mean she had to like it. "No."

The med bay was boring and lonely. Sure, Ratchet was there most of the time but the medic had duties and she hated to bother him while he worked and he had strictly forbidden her to be anywhere near Barricade. Sideswipe would come and visit often but he also had duties to tend to that happened to take him away for days at a time. Then there was Ironhide who would come by whenever he had the chance but he was off base most of the time with Will. The Decepticon attack on her had all the Autobot's guarding their human allies as closely as they could...meaning living at their homes with them.

Ratchet left, leaving Aurian to brood in silence. Maybe he could convince some of the humans to come and sit with her for a few hours...

As soon as Ratchet was gone Aurian lept from the berth and crept through the human sized door set into the wall of the room. This may have been a room designed for bots but humans will be humans and they hated to be denied entrance to anything.

She crept slowly through the med bay, unsure of where Ratchet was going to obtain food. For all she knew he had some Star Trek style food simulator around here...the food tasted fake anyway. Not seeing the medic anywhere she continued through the med bay toward the exit.

"Where are you going human?" A curious voice rumbled, startling her.

"Damn it 'Cade!" She spun to where the mech still lay in paralysis, "Don't scare me like that."

"Far be it from me to scare anyone." He laughed darkly. "I asked you a question."

"And I didn't answer."

"Your medic will not be pleased when he finds you roaming around."

"He won't find me."

"You underestimate him."

"No, I just plan on staying on the opposite side of all the noise...I figure he'll be making enough of it."

"Why do you press your luck? You are damaged, you should allow yourself sufficient recovery time."

"Like you'd stick around if you had a choice."

"True."

Aurian turned to leave again. She was tired of just sitting around and truthfully she felt that if she could just get out of the med bay she could sleep better.

"Good luck." Barricade laughed again. Aurian couldn't help but to think that the laugh was sarcastic.

Not letting herself dwell on the fact that the mech was as miserable as could be and it was completely her fault that he was in this situation, Aurian snuck into the hallway. She knew she would be obvious wondering the halls in medical scrubs (she refused to wear the gowns) so she turned toward her room. There were a few people that she managed to avoid reasonably well, though she thought maybe one man might have seen her. 'Oh well, by the time he tells anyone I'll be somewhere else.'

She found her room just as she had left it, cloths strewn here and there, bed unmade, little this-and-that's she'd acquired stashed away in the little nooks and crannies. Not home, but it was starting to be comfortable. It had been quite some time since she'd been here. Before the Decepticons had abducted her she had been a semi permanent resident in the med bay. Wearing normal close was going to be nice.

As she dressed herself she felt the weariness settling into her bones again. She was tired and sore. 'Maybe...' she considered the unmade bed. It might have been military issue but it wasn't all that uncomfortable. Allowing herself to fall onto the soft surface she pulled the blankets over her head. This was nice...

Tiny pinpricks crawled up her skin, an evil cackling ringing in her ears.

"No..." she whimpered trying to pull herself from the sleep that was drawing her down.

_"Let us examine the core, eh?"_

She felt the pain all over again, as though it were fresh, digging in her chest. Amused little clicking noises echoing throughout her consciousness. "Please, stop!" She had begged him, pleaded with him, tried bribing him with information...

"Who are you?" Suddenly there was light. It was a golden warmth that filled every bit of her dream world.

"Huh?" She was awake. The blankets pulled tight around her, she must have twisted in them during her short, though painful, sleep. She looked around the room, just as she had left it. Nothing had changed. The small bedside clock she had been provided did catch her attention however, she had been asleep for several hours... 'What?' Sitting up Aurian considered herself, she felt rested! 'Who was that?' She thought of the voice, of the sheer strength of it and the light that came with it and how she felt safe within that light. "Weird."

Her stomach protested loudly to its neglect and Aurian decided her next mission was to get to the mess hall unnoticed. Maybe she would run across Roger... 'Where is Roddi?' She realized that she had not seen the man since her return to the base despite Sideswipe's assurances that he was alright. 'I hope he's not in trouble.'

She reached for the door but paused as a thought ran through her mind. It was odd because she couldn't imagine why she had thought it, or why Sideswipe came to mind with the thought. 'Where are you?' It echoed a few times before falling silent. "I wonder if he's back yet." She spoke aloud.

This time she continued through her door and moved toward the mess hall, trying to take the less traveled paths. What she was going to do to not be spotted once she got there, she wasn't sure, but that was another issue all together.

There was one point where she had to cross a rather vast openness and, just her luck, there were plenty of people milling about in the commons area. There would be no sneaking past here...

"Fraggin' Femme!" A loud familiar voice roared. "When I get my hands on her I'm locking her in a box!" Aurian watched in mild amusement as the humans in the commons area scattered before the angered mech. Ratchet was furious.

'Oh, Hell.' She thought, though she couldn't stop the giddy laugh that bubbled through her at the vision of the mech searching for her. Retreating back down the human sized hallway she tried to think of another option. Obviously he had thought she would have headed for the mess hall which was why he was in this area, so that made it off limits if she didn't want to test his seriousness concerning said box. 'I guess I'm not all _that_ hungry anyway.'

'Where _are_ you?' Again that strange thought echoed through her mind, triggering thoughts of Sideswipe.

Deciding that finding the mech was far more pleasant an option then facing Ratchet, Aurian headed toward the recreation rooms. That was where he had usually spent his time when he wasn't on duty so it seemed the best place to start a search.

The rooms proved to be empty, much to her disappointment. She had hoped that if Sideswipe wasn't there maybe Ironhide would be. Really she just wanted someone to talk to. Maybe someone who might know where Roger was.

With a defeated sigh she turned back toward the med bay. It was probably about time to stop playing this game of cat and mouse and make an appearance anyway. At least for the sake of anyone who had to deal with Ratchet. 'Just as temperamental as they always make him out to be...at least when patients are concerned.' She laughed, it was just so amusing to her! Almost wanting to push him to the point of a full blown temper tantrum just to see if things flew like she had always imagined Aurian glanced in the direction of the med bay. It looked clear...

'Aurian, where _are_ you?'

"Okay...that's just weird." The thought was in her head, it didn't feel like what she imagined telepathy would feel like...it was just like she had had the thought only it was random and without any instigation and it was always accompanied by thoughts and feelings of Sideswipe...but to have her thinking her own name? "I'm headed toward the med bay..." She tried answering the unspoken question, even turning her thoughts toward Sideswipe as she did.

'Where have you been?'

Panic started crawling through her, what _was_ this? Did Scalpel do something to her to make her suddenly schizophrenic? She could feel her hands start to tremble at the thought. Gods, all the things that horrible little mech had done! Maybe she was brain damaged, how was she going to deal with that? Panic turned to fear as the thoughts continued to cycle through her mind and she started to believe that she was indeed going insane. Scalpel had done something to her brain and she was going to be crazy for the rest of her life!

'What's wrong?'

"NO!" She screamed and collapsed. "I don't want to be crazy!" Tears started forming in her eyes, blurring her vision.

"There you are!" An angered voice rumbled behind her. Something came to wrap around her but just as it would have captured her completely she lept to her feet and ran for all she was worth. So what if her body hurt, she could live with that as long as she got away. "Aurian!" The voice called out, the faint vibrations of pursuit did nothing to ease Aurian's fear.

'Aurian?'

"NO!" She screamed with all the force she could, causing her to pause in her retreat.

Then Scalpel was there again, crawling over her shoulders, pinning her arms down. The sound of his little limbs shifting to something heinous to torture her with clicked close to her ears.

"Get off me! Don't! Please, don't!" She knew it was hopeless, the little bastard didn't care that she was scared or hurt or anything at all, only that he had a curiosity and she would satisfy it. She screamed for all she was worth, so what if it tore her already sore throat? That was nothing compared to the agony that little mech would cause her.

"Aurian, please calm down. I'm not going to hurt you."

'I'm coming!'

"You are safe."

She felt herself lifted from the ground and knew she would find herself strapped down to that metal table again, subjected to any number of experiments. "Please...no..."

'Hold on!'

"Aurian..."

"LET ME GO!!" She screamed and fought with all she could. Even if she was crazy that didn't mean she had to lay down and take whatever this mad mech's whims would have of her.

There was a clamoring sound, the distinct noise of something large hitting a wall and then Aurian felt a wave of concern, comfort and protectiveness wash over her instantly drawing her out of her panic. "I'm here." That was a voice she knew well.

"Sides?" Aurian blinked away the tears. She was being held firmly against silver metal. 'Sideswipe.' She told herself.

"Yes." She both heard the word spoken aloud and thought it the same as the previously disturbing not-her-own thoughts had come.

"Am I going crazy?"

"I don't think so..." There was the sensation of movement, "However, I think I might be."

Aurian finally felt brave enough to look around and saw what Sideswipe had turned to consider. "Oh, Gods Sides, tell me you didn't..."

"Well..."

"Sideswipe!"

"I was kind of in a rush."

Crumpled against the wall sat Ratchet, offlined with a rather nasty looking dent in the side of his face plating. "He's going to _kill_ you."

"Um...yeah."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; for every action..._

_ He had come rushing to my rescue...and had knocked out Ratchet. Ratchet! Of all the mechs he could have had the bad decision to knock out..._

_ Needless to say the medic was not pleased. Or amused. Definitely not amused._

_ ~Aurian Fae_


	26. Journal Entry 26

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee: The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma (and her lovely fic Sparks and Plasma), but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee and her wonderful story Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; all Hell_

_ Yeah...it broke loose. That little temper tantrum I thought I wanted to see? I take it back. It was really scary actually. Something about a p~i~s~s~e~d OFF giant alien robot who knew exactly how much damage he could do to a being without taking them off the 'active duty' list is not as amusing as fanfiction made it out to be._

_ Sideswipe was going to feel it...let's just say that. And me? Well, Ratchet wasn't going to _hurt_ me..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"You are _not_ serious." Aurian glared at the offensive little thing Ratchet was preparing to latch onto her.

"It's become painfully obvious I cannot trust you to stay here. Since I cannot watch you every klik this will have to do." Before she could protest further Ratchet grabbed the woman's leg and affixed the small device. It was nothing much, more like a bracelet then anything. He had even gone as far as to make it more decorative then necessary just to make the little device slightly more acceptable for the woman.

"Ratchet!" Aurian protested, though no amount of squirming was going to release her from his grip as he secured the thing with... "Are you _welding_ it on?"

"Yes."

"What!? You can't _do _that!"

"It appears that I can."

"I'm not an animal!"

"No, but you _are_ a rather stubborn human woman with a tendency to ignore perfectly sound medical direction."

"I went for a walk, it's not like I left the base!"

"Not this time."

"I was coming back!"

"And you suffered from a delirious attack of your damaged psyche. It could easily have been much worse."

"But it wasn't!"

"That is not the point." Ratchet examined the weld. The small metal band was substantial enough that even a strong mech could not easily break it, its weak point would be the weld but only if he didn't finish it properly. "You are injured, both in mind and body. Until you are fully recovered you _will_ remain under medical observation."

"Medical observation...you mean baby sat. I can take care of myself Ratchet."

"Under normal circumstances I would be inclined to agree."

"You're an aft."

Ratchet, satisfied with his work, released Aurian's leg. "You are to remain in the med bay and _rest_ until further notification. Any attempts to leave will set off an alarm throughout the base."

"The _base_? As in; escaped convict type of set off alarms?"

"As in; stay in the med bay."

Aurian sighed. There was no arguing at this point. At least the little 'house arrest' bracelet was pretty. It was a rounded silver band with interesting scroll work done to it and small shiny stones set here and there. As she studied it she noticed a small pattern that she recognized, "You wrote on it."

"Yes."

She studied the small lines. They were Cybertronian, she knew the alphabet however despite what science fiction told her about translating alien to human...it wasn't English. "What does it say?"

"Nothing important."

"Ratchet!"

The medical officer just laughed as he moved on to his next duty. "I want you to try and rest for a while. I want to run some tests later to check on your progress."

Just the word 'tests' made Aurian's heart leap into her throat. "Okay." She stated meekly. She really didn't want to think about 'tests' and all the horrible things that were attached to that word now. "Hey, Ratchet?"

"Yes?"

"Where's Roddi? I haven't seen him."

"He has been busy." Aurian noticed the way the mech wouldn't look at her when he spoke, not his usual 'I'm doing something don't bother me' way of not looking but the 'I'd rather not go into this' way.

"Doing what?" What could they possibly have him doing on a military base? Roger was a research technician, what use could they have... "Ratchet?" The mech was pointedly not answering.

"He is fine."

"That's not what I asked."

"Get some rest." With that Ratchet left the main med bay, retreating to some back room. Aurian knew that the surgical facilities and storage were back there but that was the extent of her knowledge.

"Damn it Ratchet." She glared after him, then down at the sliver bracelet on her ankle.

"They've finally tagged their little pet." A far too amused voice chuckled.

"Shut up 'Cade." This only made the mech laugh more. "They don't know who they're messing with." She growled. If Roger was still on the base and they had him locked up she was going to give them more Hell then they knew what to do with. Adversely if they had him _working_ on the base...well, Roger didn't have the same dislike of making weapons as she did and she knew the man would jump at the chance to get his hands on some alien technology.

"What's the matter human? Don't you like your masters new label?"

"Shut up 'Cade!"

"Next they will build you one of those fancy little pet homes with all the amenities. Maybe they'll even give you a cute little name..."

"'Cade! Shut it or I'm going to come over there and rip out wires until I find the one that goes to your voice box!"

This did stop his mocking comments but his laughter still rolled through the empty med bay. Aurian was half tempted to act on her promise but she had other problems at the moment. She scoured everything she could see for something 'newish' that would trigger the alarms connected to her new 'bracelet'.

The hunt lasted hours and she came up with a lot of interesting things but not what she was looking for. She was forced to abandon the search when Ratchet returned.

"I thought I told you to rest?"

"I thought I said you were an aft."

"Aurian..."

"Shove it." She wasn't happy and she had no problem making sure the medic knew it. "What do you want?"

Ratchet sighed. He had expected Aurian to be displeased with his decision but it made it no easier to take. "I need to examine you."

Aurian's anger fled her completely, thoughts of Scalpel flooding her mind. "Do you have to?"

"Aurian, you know I won't harm you." It still hurt to see the woman so frightened by him. It didn't matter that he wasn't the one to have done the damage to her she was still fearful of _what_ he was, of what he _did_ and that didn't make anything easy.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just can't stop it."

"How about I just scan you this time, that should suffice for now."

"Thank you."

Scans provided plenty of information. In most cases that would be all he needed, however there were things that he needed more information then a scan could provide and in Aurian's case, there were a lot of things. He needed to test her blood to see what long term affects the energon had had on her among other things.

As he expected to find, her heart rate was elevated and she was in what could be categorized as a mild panic state. There was an anomaly near her heart that had him concerned, however any closer examination of it would have to wait. "I'm done."

Releasing a breath she had not been fully aware she was holding Aurian felt a shiver coarse through her body. "This really sucks." She groaned. She trusted Ratchet with her life, the mech had saved her enough times already, yet she couldn't stop the fear that shot through her anytime she thought about him being related to anything medical.

"Give it time."

"It's not fair! You've never hurt me, I shouldn't be scared of you."

"It isn't fair what Scalpel did to you. You're still coming to terms with the ordeal and it will take time."

Even the mention of the little mech brought memories of his little claws digging in her skin. Forcing the thoughts away she tried to find something else to focus on. "Where's Roddi?" She chose the conversation Ratchet had walked away from previously, her annoyance sufficiently banishing Scalpel from her mind.

"At this particular point in time? I'm not sure."

"I want to see him."

Ratchet considered the thought for a bit, "I may be able to arrange for that."

"Arrange for it? What has to be arranged?"

With a sigh Ratchet shook his head, "Aurian, he is a civilian thrown into a situation he knows nothing about. There are procedures to follow."

"What? Like what I went through? Roddi doesn't know anything!"

"No." Ratchet could see Aurian was concerned for the man, her friend, and wanted nothing more then to be sure he was not coming to harm. "You were special. Don't worry, Roger Campton is being treated respectfully."

"Is he a prisoner?"

"Not per say."

"Why?"

"Well, he..." Was it really wise to tell her what the man had done to get himself in his current position? "While we were absent from the base he trespassed into a restricted area and aided Sideswipe in disobeying orders for medical confinement, damaging several detainment units in the process."

"Uh huh...so he waltzed into the brig and busted Sideswipe out."

"In simpler words, yes."

"But if he hadn't..."

"That has been taken into consideration."

"Which is why he's not officially a prisoner?"

"Yes."

"Can I at least talk to him for a little while? Let him know I'm okay? He'll worry."

"He has been assured that you are recovering."

"Yeah, that sounds like I'm invalid."

"I will speak with the appropriate people and see what I can do." Ratchet smiled a little, he liked that Aurian's spunk was returning. Perhaps she wasn't as troubled as they feared.

* * *

"So you've never heard of them?"

"How many times..." Roger clinched his teeth, this was all getting so redundant. "Like I said, I _think_ I remember Aurian saying _something_ once or twice but I've never heard of these...things."

"You were able to hack their systems pretty easily."

"Because that's my lively hood. I've hacked programs, complicated ones, for over fifteen years. I'm proficient."

"You didn't seemed surprised by them."

"Surprised? No, I wasn't surprised I was blown away!" Honestly Roger didn't understand why they were so stuck on his reaction to giant, apparently alien, robots. "I mean, can you imagine? An entire race of walking, talking, _thinking_ robots? That's fantastic! I can't say I was thrilled to have them shooting at me but still!"

The man interviewing him today was tall, lanky and apparently hated his job more then anything. He didn't even seem to be listening to what Roger was saying, just going through the list of questions he was supposed to ask. There had been several others, they always asked 'similar' questions though almost never the exact same ones. They were trying to find a hole in his story that would make him somehow an accomplice to...what? Alien invasion?

"Come on, how long is all this going to go on for? I mean...I guess I don't really have a job to go back to considering the place was destroyed but my dog is probably starving."

The man glared at Roger. "Until we have come to a conclusion one way or another." A strange sound drew the man's attention away from Roger to his pocket instead. He pulled out his cell phone and glanced at the ID, then glared at Roger again, "I will be back in a minute, excuse me." He stood even as he answered the phone and headed for the door. "What? Oh, excuse me sir! You're calling from a different number." The man stopped with his hand on the door and looked back at Roger again, "Yes. But we aren't done. I see. Yes. Good-bye." Not breaking his glare the man closed his phone and tucked it back into the pocket he had pulled it from. "It seems you're presence is requested elsewhere. Please come with me."

"What? Where? Another room that I can sit in for endless hours while people ask me pointless questions?"

"Does it really matter?" The man opened the door and started walking.

Roger supposed he assumed that he would follow since there was no where else to go but Roger was feeling decidedly non-compliant. He had been nothing but agreeable with these people since they hauled him off to this...place, somewhere away from the area that the yellow Camero had brought him yet still screaming 'military installment'. They hadn't treated him badly, so to speak, but they sure hadn't treated him like an innocent bystander either. It seemed they suspected him of being some kind of spy or something along those lines. So, he just sat there.

Several minutes later the man returned, looking extremely unhappy. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"You need to come with me."

"Tell me where I'm going and _maybe_ I'd feel more compelled to follow."

"Perhaps I should tell Miss Towns you do not want to see her?"

"What?" Roger lept from his seat, "You didn't say we were going to see her! How could you say 'does it matter' when you're talking about her? Of course it matters!" Roger was already halfway out the door before he turned back to the man, "Well?"

Rolling his eyes the man once again lead the way through the halls. Most of what he saw Roger recognized from his trip to this area but they soon passed beyond that into an area he hadn't seen. There were people everywhere but he easily noticed a few of the robots as well. It seemed that the blue one he hadn't really had the chance to meet was discussing something with the one he had known to be the 'Ratchet' robot Aurian had so badly wanted to get to all those days ago.

"Ah, Mister Campton." Ratchet acknowledged the humans approaching him with a slight nod. "Thank you for coming. Aurian really wanted to see you."

"How is she?" Roger felt nervous about finally getting to see her after finding her locked inside some alien briefcase. She had looked so near death he was terrified what permanent damage may have been done.

"She is still recovering but I would say she is doing rather well." Ratchet noted the doubt in the man's eyes. "The physical damage to her is healing nicely." He explained, "She is having a few psychological setbacks but those too will heal in time."

"Where is she?"

Ratchet dismissed the man that had accompanied Roger to the Medical wing then lead Roger on. "It is important that she takes it easy so she is currently staying in the med bay."

"How are you managing _that_?" Roger had known Aurian for a few years and never had he known her to 'take it easy'.

"It has been...interesting."

At this Roger laughed. Apparently Aurian could frustrate all medical personnel, not just human ones. "She can be a handful."

"That is an understatement."

"Roddi!" The man found himself bombarded almost the instant they entered the med bay as the woman of their conversation crushed him in a hug. "Oh my Gods! I was so worried about you! Are you alright? Are they treating you okay? I'm so sorry I dragged you into this, I never thought they'd come after me! And the lab! It was destroyed wasn't it? So many people..."

"Aurian!" Roger laughed at her, hadn't this roll been reversed not so long ago? "I'm alright. The lab was destroyed but everyone's okay. How are you?"

"I'm..."

"Still recovering." Ratchet interrupted. "Take it easy."

"Fine." Aurian finished. "He worries too much."

"Hardly." Ratchet left the two humans to their reunion. It was nice to see Aurian so happy after everything she had been through. Ratchet found himself regretting how the mere appearance of the Cybertronians could destroy lives so completely. First the soldiers at Qatar, then Sam and Mikaela, now Aurian and Roger...

Roger was amazed by Aurian's appearance. Last he had seen her she looked of death but now, a few neatly stitched cuts and some interesting scars aside, she looked alive. "You have interesting adventures." He stated simply.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; true friends_

_ After everything Roddi still stood by me. I guess I had never really thought about our friendship more then in passing before but surviving alien attack and the military inquisition had brought our relationship to a point where he could part with me and no one would even question why. Still he sat and talked with me like his entire world hadn't just been flipped upside down! Strong man. Crazy, but strong._

_ Thanks Roddi._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_OOOOokay, before I get a whole lotta 'What did Ratchet _do_ to Sides?' reviews, let me just say that it will be made clear in upcoming chapters. I didn't want to go into the full blow out here because...well, because I have other plans. ^_~

And I do apologize for the whole lotta nothing that happens in this chapter, but it is a complete set up chapter for things to come. I hope you can be satisfied with that for the time being.

Thank you to everyone who reads this fic and espeically to all the reviewers. You're thoughts and pointers help me develop this story in a more satisfying fashion. I do have my general story line plotted out but the thoughts of others definately bring my focus to that which interests others. So, please, if you have any thoughts, ideas or pointers feel free to suggest them. I do not promise to use them all but I do consider what everyone says as I write and try to at least touch on any questions there might be. Thank you again!

To those of you who review with not logged in accounts; I wish to say thank you too! I reply to each and every review and fill a little guilty that I cannot reply to yours as well, but I want you to know that I read them and appreciate them.


	27. Journal Entry 27

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Some major credits going out for this chapter!!!:**_

**Of course I give credit to Litahatchee who's ideas are a strong background for this story. Sunshadow belongs to her! What happens to him belongs to her too...so don't get mad at me ^_^* (sorry Lita- leavin you to the wolves on that one.) Go read her fic 'Night Fire' to learn more!!!  
**

**Also Floatilla (or Floatila) was named by Lady Tecuma, though 'The Floatilla Massacre' belongs to Litahatchee including the description of the events that occurred there.**

**The idea that the Decepticons ...did what they did... (not gonna say because it gives away a little bit of the story but you'll understand when you read it) belongs to Karategal (whom I might mention is a wonderful author of several Bumblebee as a sparkling fics that you should DEFINITELY read ^_^)**

**And one last little suggestion: Frog of Frog-Lizard has written a wonderful build up fic of OC's that I have absolutely fallen in love with. If you like stories about OC Cybertronians you'll like this. If you like stories about bots with 'issues' you'll LOVE this. I only suggest it because it's a great read with some really nice and usual characters within (Including one we all know and love ~ *Sunstreaker*!!!**

**Okay. Thank you for reading all that (if you did) and for respecting those whom supply my imagination with ideas (by reading their fics and not taking their ideas without their permision ^_^) and for exploring new fics (if you do)!**

**On with the new Journal Entry...which is huge BTW.**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; secrets revealed_

_ You know how when you meet someone you subconsciously decide who that person is? You create a persona for them, a place they fit into, how they feel and act and then you decide how you feel about that person based on those ideas. Sometimes you're right. Sometimes you're wrong._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Yet another restless night. Aurian sat looking up at the ceiling. The plain, boring ceiling. With a heavy sigh she rolled onto her side and grimaced as she heard the faint 'clink' of the bracelet Ratchet had welded onto her leg connected with the metal post of the bed she lay on. She had decided to return to one of the human sized rooms. At least Ratchet couldn't just walk in on her here. He had to enlist the aid of humans to retrieve her if she chose not to come out and talk to him.

Talking to Roger earlier that day had been very relieving. She hadn't realized just how worried about the man she had been. To see him whole and unharmed was almost therapeutic. However it also brought to mind the truth of her situation. She wouldn't be able to see any of her friends or family without possibly dragging them into this war she had become a part of and she felt lonely. Roger was still in 'detainment' for the time being, though between the two of them they had convinced _someone_ to go get his dog. What they would do with the animal they weren't sure but at the very least he would be fed. She almost wished they would let her keep the animal until Roger could take him back. At least then she would have company.

Sighing again she gave up on trying to sleep. She had other desires anyway and had only been passing time until the med bay fell into the night time silence. This was the only time she could go talk to a certain mech that she enjoyed conversing with. Even if he claimed otherwise.

Peaking around just to make sure, Aurian found the med bay to indeed be empty. The night staff usually stuck to their little cubical outside of the Autobot medical zone. If Aurian needed them she had an alert button she could press and someone would come to her but that wasn't what she wanted.

Quickly making her way to where the familiar mech had lain for so long Aurian made quick work of the climb. Even injured she had become rather deft at making the distance with ease. Soon enough she sat atop the berth looking over the prone Decepticon, a pang of guilt filling her as she considered his situation. "Hey 'Cade."

"You again?" The mech grumbled, though Aurian felt a sense of, if not happiness then contentedness, within the voice.

"Shut up, you know you like talking to me." She came to settle in her custom place next to Barricade's head.

"Only because it drives that cannon-toting-maniac up the wall."

Aurian laughed. It was indeed driving Ironhide insane that Barricade had so stubbornly remained silent all this time, yet Aurian would mention from time to time having talked with the mech. "You can't keep this up forever you know."

"What else have I got to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe _live_?"

"What would be the purpose?"

"Come on 'Cade. It's obvious you're not happy with your situation...you could claim neutrality..."

"That would never work."

"You don't know that."

"Unless I was willing to disclose all information I have the Autobots would never allow me to claim neutrality and at the same time, to disclose all the information I have would not be looked upon as neutrality either."

Aurian thought about it. It made sense. Of course the Autobots couldn't just let him go without him proving that he had no desire to fight with them any further but if he were to just hand over the Decepticon information he held he would essentially be claiming loyalty to the Autobots by default... "Catch twenty-two." She sighed and leaned further back against the dark armor of Barricade's shoulder. "I'm sorry 'Cade."

"Why do you insist on calling me that?"

"What?"

"'Cade? That is not my designation."

"No. I know that. I guess I just like the sound of it better. 'Cade sounds more noble." She smiled a little, "Besides, rampant fanfiction trends like to call you that."

"Fanfiction?"

Aurian laughed, "Not you too!"

The two passed a few hours discussing 'fanfiction', Aurian telling him stories she could remember that involved him which brought her to a question. "Were you in the youth sectors when they were destroyed?" Barricade did not answer and Aurian felt bad for bringing up something that might have been a sensitive subject. "I'm sorry."

"I was there." He finally admitted.

"Oh. That had to of been horrible..."

"I don't think you understand."

"What?" Aurian was genuinely confused, "If you were there then you saw all of that destruction..."

"I was there." He repeated, "I did not _reside_ there."

Silence stretched on for some time as the realization sank into Aurian's mind. A lot of the stories she had read had placed Barricade as a youngling at the time of the destruction of the youth sectors, making him a sole survivor or at least one of very few. "You..?"

"I was a soldier in the ranks at the time. Orders were to destroy anything that moved."

"But..."

"I am a Decepticon, human. You're delusions of me are misplaced."

Aurian's mind spun with the horrid images her imagination had created from the fanfictions she had read describing the total destruction of the youth sectors. Sparklings, younglings, femmes and any that had been left to guard the area had been deactivated without prejudice. It didn't matter if they were Decepticon, Autobot or Neutral. They were all destroyed. "It really happened?"

"Yes."

"And you...were there?"

"Yes."

Before she could think of what she was doing Aurian left the berth and charged toward the med bay doors. She had to get away! The thoughts in her mind were too terrible and to be anywhere _near_ someone who had not only been there but had participated in the genocide of his own race? She just couldn't take it!

An alarm began to sound. It was a new alarm sound, not one that wracked your brain with the loudness of it, or one that sent a person into instant panic but one that was more like a soft hum filling the air. Aurian ignored it, the sound was hardly distracting enough for her to even acknowledge it let alone connect it to anything important.

Barricade had slaughtered innocent beings! It wasn't so far fetched considering he was a Decepticon but somehow she had convinced herself that he hadn't killed needlessly. She had more placed him as a corrupted innocent himself, kind of a misplaced Autobot, but that's not who he was. He was a Decepticon. A _Decepticon_! And he had tried to kill her too.

There were people all around her before she realized it. Voices calling out to her, asking her what she was doing, where she was going. She didn't know. She just wanted to be away from the mech that had done those horrible things.

"Aurian?" Will's voice broke through the haze of voices, "What's wrong?"

"He killed them, Will!" She sobbed. "They were just _babies_ and he _killed_ them!"

Will's whole body tensed as alarm filled him. "Who?"

"That...that 'Con!" She yelled pointing back in the direction she had come from. "How could he do that?"

"What are you talking about?" Will tried to sooth the panicked woman, the other people around them calming down now that someone had control of her.

"The youth sectors." Another, deeper voice answered. Ironhide stood over the whole gathering, a dark expression in his optics as he looked down at the distraught woman. "Barricade was part of the Decepticon unit that destroyed the youth sectors?" The words came half as a question, half as a snarl.

"How could he!" Aurian cried out again, her attention shifting to the large mech. "Babies, Ironhide! He killed _babies_!"

Ironhide had grown very rigid, his cannons began to crackle with the rage that was swiftly building inside of him. "Barricade was there?"

Aurian's eyes widened further with horror and realization, "Oh, Gods Ironhide...Sunshadow."

The reaction was instantaneous as Ironhide rocked back as though physically attacked. He turned and retreated from the humans that had been surrounding them, a terrifying roar echoing through the halls as he went.

Will turned to Aurian, "What the Hell is going on?"

Aurian just one hand over her mouth, tears pouring from her eyes for what felt like forever until it occurred to her what Ironhide's intentions must have been. "He's going to kill Barricade!" She shouted turning toward one of the human sized hallways, bolting before Will could ask any further questions.

Will followed, a sense of dread inside him. He had seen Ironhide in battle many times before but never had he seen such rage in the mech's actions, nor had he heard such a soul shattering roar from the mech. Something was horribly, horribly wrong and he had the suspicion that it was just going to get worse.

Sliding on the floor and losing her balance momentarily Aurian crashed into the med bay door, slamming it open just as another roar shook the walls around her. She watched in stunned horror as Ironhide hauled the defenseless mech from the berth he had spent so much time on and threw him to the far side of the med bay, uncaring of anything that might have been in the way. Unable to do anything to help himself, Barricade fell in a crumpled heap against the far wall, supplies falling on and around him.

"I will kill you!" Ironhide shouted as he stormed toward the parallelized mech, his cannons crackling with power as he prepared to unleash the full brunt of his weapons at a point blank range.

"Ironhide!" Jolt was a fast mech but he wasn't a big mech and was hardly a contender for Ironhide's brute strength, his attempts at pulling the mech away failing miserably.

"Slag it! What the Pit is going on here?" Ratchet stumbled into the med bay, obviously having been disturbed from his recharge cycle. He only had to look for half a second before the scene settled into his processor and he was moving to help Jolt remove Ironhide from the vicinity. It wasn't long before Optimus had arrived and was also hauling the enraged mech from the area, the whole while Ironhide continued to lash out at the immobile mech before him and the two medics attempted to manually deactivate his cannons before he accidentally shot something or some_one_.

Eventually they were able to subdue the weapons specialist and evict him from the med bay, an angered Ratchet demanding that he not come back unless he wanted his processor scanned.

Aurian still stood stunned in the door frame, her eyes fixed on the crumpled form of Barricade on the other side of the med bay. She had been so upset, so angry and disgusted with him but was this what she had wanted to happen to him? Did she want him destroyed for his actions? 'No.' She admitted to herself. Even if he had committed the atrocities in her mind, he had been a soldier under orders. That did not forgive him for his actions but at the same time she thought that he didn't deserve to die for following orders.

Soft hands came to rest on her shoulders, encouraging her to move forward. Will was also looking at the scene stunned by the absolute ferocity he had just witnessed. He looked at the mech's still in the med bay and Optimus came to notice the two humans.

"Aurian?" Optimus's voice finally broke the daze that had settled around her. "Are you all right?"

She looked up at the large mech. "Is he okay?" She asked tears still streaming from her eyes though her voice was rather stable.

Optimus looked a little surprised by the question and had to consider who she was referring to. "Barricade is mostly unharmed, he will be fine. Might I ask what happened?"

"I was talking to...him," she pointed to where Jolt and Ratchet were now returning the limp mech to the berth he had been so forcefully removed from, "about...Gods Optimus how could he _do _it?" Her gaze shifted back toward the Decepticon causing her so much turmoil. "How could anyone just _kill_ _children_?" At this statement all movement in the med bay ceased. Both medics looked at their charge, Optimus focused on Aurian. Will was confused by the situation but was beginning to get the hint.

It was a long moment before anyone said anything. "The youth sectors." Optimus finally stated what they were all thinking, "You know of that?" Aurian nodded, her eyes still fixed on Barricade. He was now back as he had been before Ironhide had relocated him. "How did Ironhide end up involved in this?"

Fresh tears sprang to her eyes as she remembered the mech's violent reaction to a name she had spoken with grief and fear, "Sunshadow." She stated simply, her voice unable to support any further conversation.

Ratchet was gone almost before Aurian could perceive that the mech had even moved. Where he had gone, she could not even begin to piece together. Jolt continued checking over their hapless prisoner and patient for any damages the rough handling might have caused. Optimus remained focused on the woman before him. What was he supposed to do with her now? She was obviously upset by what had been revealed to her, yet she had already known of it. This was not a situation he knew how to deal with.

"Aurian, war is a vicious beast." He began, finally gaining the woman's attention. "Even in your own culture, soldiers have acted in ways that are seemingly beyond understanding and it is difficult to comprehend let alone to accept. We can only live each day as we are given it and try to make sense of the picture as a whole." He could see the horror building in her eyes as he explained, "I do not for a nanoklik begin to agree with the actions that took place at the youth sectors, to Floatilla, the femmes and all of the little ones but I also cannot say that I understand the situation the soldiers charged with carrying out the orders were placed in. That is a nightmare they must live with. Everyone lost someone in that massacre. We have all had to come to terms with it one way or another."

"It's just not right." She whimpered. Inside she was begging for Barricade to say that he hadn't actually _killed_ any of them. That he was there against his will and had only observed while the _other_ evil soldiers had carried out the orders but she knew it wasn't true. Even if all of her other assumptions of the mech were completely wrong there was one thing she had managed to confirm for herself. As a soldier he had been loyal. He had completed his missions efficiently and quickly. She knew that he had killed and he had done so with the deftness of an experienced warrior.

"War is not right." Optimus advised. It was not easy to remember the event he was now trying to explain to the horrified woman. He himself did not understand it. Megatron had ordered the destruction of any and all femmes, younglings and sparklings without exception. He honestly did not _want_ to understand it but he knew his brother had acted in a way that he thought would develop the results he was seeking. "You should attempt to get some rest." Optimus could not help but to notice how weary the woman looked. The shock of what had been revealed so suddenly to her had obviously taken its toll on the already exhausted woman.

"He's right." Will finally spoke. He had kept one arm wrapped over her shoulder this whole time, trying to offer some support. It was true, war caused generally good people to commit unforgivable acts of horror but as a soldier you learn to accept that. Aurian was a civilian and from all he could tell a pacifist at heart. Of course she wouldn't be able to just accept it. "I need to go make sure that everyone's calmed down after that alarm." He looked to Optimus, the question 'will you take care of her?' in his eyes.

Optimus merely dipped his head slightly in agreement and watched as the Major left the med bay. He leaned down and opened his hand for the woman, "Allow me to assist you."

Aurian nodded and allowed the large mech to move her closer to her room. A small portion of her brain took the brief moment to notice how gentle someone so big and powerful could be.

Safe inside her room she allowed her thoughts to take control again. Barricade was a murderer. She had never thought of that and now faced with the truth she wasn't so sure she wanted to. 'Gods, Ironhide...' her thoughts turned once more to the warrior mech. She had read about a sparkling that he had had way back during a lull in the war. It had appeared that there might be peace and he and Chromia had decided they wanted a family. The mech and his femme had created a life only to have it torn so tragically from them, almost killing them in the process. She didn't know if it was true or not but judging from everyones reaction it was at least somewhat factual and that was worse then finding out that Barricade had killed children to her. Sunshadow had been a bright little life no matter how short his existence might have been and he had a special place in Aurian's heart and mind. He had been Ironhide and Chromia's sparkling. A sweet little life that was so cruelly cut short.

A wail of sorrow tore from her as she thought of the little mech. When she had read about him she had been torn apart by his loss but to know it had _happened. _ That Ironhide, now a good friend to her, had suffered such a horrible loss was almost as unbearable as the thought of the sparkling's death. She couldn't blame him for his actions toward Barricade. If she had been in his place...

'Aurian?' She paused momentarily to consider the thought. It was completely not her own, yet it was at the same time. 'What's wrong?'

For a moment she thought of ignoring the pressing question, however she could not ignore the wave of comfort that washed over her, pleading with her to share with it whatever was causing her such distress. "He killed babies." She moaned again. It seemed that phrase was becoming a mantra and she despised it.

Thoughts of Barricade and the images created by her imagination of the disaster he had been a part of flew through her mind. She just couldn't place him in the position she knew he had taken during the whole thing.

'Stay away from him.' The thought came with anger and protectiveness, a wall surrounding her to keep her safe from the images that tried to drag her into a hopeless depression.

"I just don't understand." She went on, the images refusing to be denied. "I mean, I guess I had always just accepted that some nameless soldiers had torn through there destroying things like drones...it was easier to believe that way."

'Easier...' a mix of anger and sorrow flooded through her body, 'but not true.'

Aurian paced the length of her room, her emotions warring inside her. The 'thoughts' that had invaded her were silent though waves of comfort kept washing over her. It was enough to calm her anger and sooth some of the sorrow she felt but not enough to sway her own thoughts from Barricade and his connection to the massacre. "I have to talk to him."

'No, stay away from him!'

"I wont. Not until I know the truth."

'What truth is there to know? He's a Decepticon.'

Shoving the not-her-thoughts away Aurian looked through a crack she opened in the door. It seemed everything had settled and everyone was gone again, so she repeated her actions from earlier that night finding herself standing beside the mech that not so long ago she had thought she enjoyed talking to. "Tell me you didn't want to."

Barricade grunted. He didn't feel inclined to speak with the woman that had brought the wrath of Ironhide upon him.

"Please," her voice shifted from angry to desperate, "please tell me you didn't want to do it!"

"For what purpose? To ease your burdened conscious?"

Was that what she wanted? True she did not enjoy thinking of the mech having the ability to be so cruel but would she have him lie just so she could go on thinking he was better then that? "Then tell me you wanted to. Tell me you enjoyed slaughtering sparklings and I will go away and never bother you again."

Barricade was silent. He hadn't expected such an ultimatum from the human. It was an opportunity to force her away from him, to keep her from coming to him night after night just to banter about nothing in particular. Alternatively he could tell her what she wanted to hear, offer her a bit of peace of mind to send her back to her room with.

"Why did you even tell me you were there?" Aurian couldn't take the silence. She needed something, some answer to decide how she felt at this very moment. "Why did you say that when you could have just said 'no'?"

"Because that would have been false."

"You're a Decepticon! Lying is kind of in the job description." Aurian's heart ached, "So is killing innocents..." It was more of an admission to herself then anything. She was coming to terms with what she now believed to be the truth. Barricade had done what he was told and he had had no reservations about doing it.

'I told you.'

"That doesn't mean I wanted to listen." She almost growled at the thought even as she turned to make her retreat back to her room. She couldn't stand here and take the silence any more. If Barricade didn't want to admit he was a monster that was fine.

"I did not have an option." Barricade finally spoke. He found that, as the woman moved away and he realized he had severed the only connection to any kindness he was likely to receive here, he didn't want her to go.

"What?" Aurian paused at the edge of the berth.

"I was given my orders and I had to follow them."

"You could have said no!"

"For someone who claims to know so much, you understand so little." The large mech sighed. He had shut away his feelings towards the atrocities of war long ago, it felt odd that a human who had not been exposed to any of it should feel so strongly about what had happened in the distant past. "I am a Decepticon, there is no saying 'no' when it comes to orders."

"But..." Aurian found herself creeping back toward the mech, "you still killed them."

"Yes."

"How could you?"

"If I had not deactivated them, they would have found themselves in far worse hands." There was actually a shutter that ran through his frame as he recalled the memories from that day so very long ago. "At least when I deactivated them I made it swift and as painless as I could. Others...were not so kind."

Aurian listened intently as Barricade told her of the event as it had happened in his eyes. He had been a young mech, hardly more then a youngling who had joined with the Decepticons because he had really seen no other option for him. His background had not been very upstanding and the strong morals of the Autobots were unappealing to him. Admittedly he had not known the truth behind the war that was starting to consume their planet and had not really thought through his decision to join either faction.

By the time he realized exactly what his orders had entailed when it came to the youth sectors it was too late. His fellow soldiers were instantly divided, those that would and those that would not follow orders. Those that would not were swiftly dispatched, or were disabled enough to watch as the horrors were committed before them. Barricade had wisely kept his mouth shut when the argument had broken and was left to either watch or do something about it.

He could not handle watching the younglings suffer before they were given the peace of deactivation so had put his own feelings aside and had raced through the sector deactivating any bot he came across before the others could find them. A part of him had died that day and left a cold void in his very spark but it was also the day that he decided who and what he was.

Some of the more 'motivated' mechs in his squad had claimed most of the toll themselves and he allowed them. They were given promotions and moved on up the latter of the Decepticon ranks while Barricade remained unnoticed.

"Why didn't you leave?"

"My actions had condemned me to my fate. At least as long as I remained active I could send those that opposed Megatron to the matrix quickly instead of allowing them to be tortured, mutilated or locked away to rust in some forgotten prison."

"'Cade..."

"Do not call me that." Barricade snarled. After reliving the defining moment of his Pit bound life he did not feel deserving of a name the human deemed 'noble'.

Aurian just leaned into his armor, once more curled in her custom spot beside him. "If you spoke to Optimus, he would understand."

Again the dark mech fell into silence. He had heard what the Autobot leader had said to Aurian, he could _almost_ believe her.

'Aurian, you're exhausted.'

"So?"

'You need rest.'

"I can rest when I'm dead." She grumbled the saying without thinking of it. Besides, it was just the thoughts in her head she was talking to.

"What are you talking about human?" Barricade was confused. The woman seemed to be talking with herself, which wasn't unusual in and of its self, the strange part was that she seemed to be responding to someone else.

'Don't say things like that!' Fear, of all things, spun around her with this new thought along with a sensation of 'keeping' something precious.

"Sorry." She spoke both to Barricade and the thought in her head. "The little voice in my head says I'm tired." She laughed. 'Voice' was hardly the word to use but how else did you explain thoughts that weren't your own?

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; waking up_

_ And not remembering where you are? Unsettling. Waking up being picked up by a rather disgruntled Ratchet? Terrifying._

_ Apparently during my conversation with 'Cade I fell asleep. I knew Ratchet didn't like me talking to the 'Con, especially after my abduction and the events that had followed but he really seemed to be over reacting._

_ Turns out he had spent all night trying to talk 'Hide down from his Hell bent desire to destroy 'Cade...or at least that's what he claimed. I'm pretty sure he spent a good portion of it playing therapist, but that's just my assumption. Only to return to his shift tired, stressed and to find me cuddled with the enemy._

_ The ensuing lecture was long and...truth be told? I didn't listen to a word of it._

_ ~Aurian Fae_


	28. Journal Entry 28

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; __obstinance_

_ ~ Characterized by inflexible persistence or an unyielding attitude; inflexibly persisted in or carried out. ~_

_ Yeah, that's me to a tee. Whenever I've been confronted with a challenge I've never been one to give in, quit or ignore it. So...can anyone guess what a little alien created security bracelet and an alarm posed to a person who chose to live her life reverse engineering unusual things? Yeah._

_ I have to give it to Ratchet, he had thought this through pretty deeply, which I guess for an alien with a computer for a brain is not all that uncommon...maybe. However, curiosity wins all in the end and the curious will not be denied._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"I know it's gotta be around here somewhere." Aurian growled. Ratchet had denied her request to go for a walk yet again and she was beyond frustrated with his overprotective behavior.

She had spent every spare moment that Ratchet was away searching for the device that would trigger the alarms connected to the bracelet around her ankle. As she continued to wander the med bay she found herself drawing closer and closer to the exit. "Maybe I should just let the alarm go off until it drives everyone so insane they have to turn it off." She mused, however a faint 'click' caught her attention as she approached the door. Turning back and stepping away she heard the sound again. Curiously she stepped back toward the door and heard the sound again. "Got'ca." She laughed evilly, repeating the process until she found where the sound originated.

Barricade had been exposed to many, many disturbing things throughout his service with the Decepticons. Things that often made him question his decision to align himself with the faction at all. Even considering all of those experiences he was pretty sure that very little compared to the sheer nerve wracking glee at which the human woman was giggling as she tore into some hapless machinery that had been tucked away on the far side of the med bay. He couldn't see her but he didn't have to.

"Keep me locked up? Think you can keep me in with simple electronics? Ohhhh no, no way!" Another peel of laughter broke from Aurian's throat as she finally found the piece she was looking for. "I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll never forget, Ratchet. Next time you want to keep a techie locked in you won't use _tech_ to do it!" The component fully disassembled on the inside Aurian carefully reassembled its casing so that it looked as though it had never been touched. "Now..." she glanced around the corner she had tucked herself away in for this stage of her evil plan, "to get out unnoticed."

"Human..."

"'Cade, say one word and I'll dismantle you too."

Barricade found he could not be convinced she did not mean every word she spoke at that very moment. The disturbing tone of glee had not left her voice and he decided he did not want to chance it. So, he could only muse silently to himself as he heard the soft steps of the woman retreating to the other side of the med bay and the faint 'click' as the human sized door closed behind her.

"That woman would have made an excellent Decepticon."

Aurian stormed down the hallway defiantly. She actually had no real reason to want to have left the med bay this time other then the sheer spite of it. 'Sometimes,' she told herself, 'you are so childish.' Still, she couldn't remove the smirk from her face as she thought of Ratchet searching the entire med bay for hours looking for her because he knew she _had_ to be there somewhere. 'I wonder how long it will be before he realizes his ingenious device is nothing more then a fancy paperweight.' She found herself giggling manically.

'What have you done?' That same odd thinking popped into her head that she had had before.

Before she had thought maybe she was going crazy and while that option was not completely out of her mind she was starting to get the inkling she knew what this was. Not that she understood _how_ it was. "Nothing." She spoke out loud but focused all her thoughts on an image of Sideswipe. Oddly enough she saw him skulking about some wooded area. When had she ever seen him there?

'I doubt that.' Came the reply.

"Where are you?" She started walking again and found her feet knew their own path.

'On patrol. Where are _you_?' There was the distinct feeling of knowing in the thought.

"I'm...around."

'You're not in the med bay, are you.' Amusement and concern filled her with the thought.

"What if I'm not?"

She sighed with the wave of frustration that washed over her. That was strange because she wasn't really frustrated anymore. Getting beyond the medical wing had cured her of that. 'Aurian...just don't do anything dumb, okay?'

"Because ignoring Ratchet's strict orders _isn't_ dumb? I think I'll be fine." She laughed, "I know I'm being dumb, I just couldn't resist the _challenge_." She was now roaming the open area between buildings. The wind and sun felt so fantastic! She hadn't realized she wanted the exposure so much until just now.

'Well, at least you seem happy.'

"Yeah, I guess I am." She leaned against a wall, just basking in the sunlight. She was happy at that moment. It almost seemed like nothing else mattered. She was safe, warm and though she had a voice talking to her in her head she felt comforted by it. "Sideswipe?" She only half asked because she needed to make sure that it _was_ the mech she was communicating with somehow, the other half was because she wanted to know he was still listening.

'Yeah?'

"I had a weird dream the other night. When I went to my room I fell asleep and I started having a nightmare, but then there was this light...I felt safe and I finally got some good sleep." She thought of the golden light, the words 'Who are you?' echoing through her dream state. "Was that you?"

There was no answer for a moment but she could _feel_ that the mech was not only stunned but confused. 'No.'

"Then who was it?"

'I...' thoughts of a mech she had not yet seen filled her mind, someone she knew who was without having to be told.

"Sunny?"

'Maybe.'

"Wait, but if he could get into my dream then can't you feel him? I mean, wouldn't that mean that he's close enough to..."

'No. I can't sense him.' The words were almost bitter and Aurian felt guilty for even mentioning the missing twin.

"I'm sorry."

'Can...' there was a whirl of thoughts too fast for Aurian to even dream of interpreting, 'Can you?'

"What?"

'The same way you sense me now. Can you do it for him?'

"I don't know..."

'Try!' The thought was so fierce Aurian almost felt physically slapped. She pulled away from the feeling, blocking it out. She suddenly didn't want to talk to Sideswipe anymore.

Searching the open area of the base she continually blocked out thoughts of the silver mech though they persistently tried to seep into her forethoughts. She wanted to relax, to be at peace, not be yelled at in her own head. There was nobody to be seen so she made her way back to the small rise near the unused runway where she had previously spent so much of her time before she had been practically relocated to the med bay permanently.

'He's just worried for Sunny.' She told herself, not that that helped the hurt she felt. Why did she feel so hurt? It's not like he _meant_ to 'yell', he was hopeful that she might be able to reach his twin when he could not... 'He's jealous.' She suddenly realized. It wasn't the eagerness, or the forcefulness of his 'thought' that had upset her. It was the fact that he was jealous that she might be able to reach his twin when he could not, or perhaps that Sunstreaker had reached out to her instead of to him. "Aft." She grumbled to herself plopping down on the ground.

"What are you doing out here?"

Aurian sighed, it was inevitable that someone would find her, she had just hoped it would have been longer before she was discovered. "Hi Will. It's good to see you too." The man came to stand in front of her. She had to look up to see him.

"No," Will backpedaled slightly, "not that I'm not _happy_ to see you up and about but last I heard you were confined to the med bay."

"Yeah," Aurian displayed her trinket for the Major to see, proving that it was still in place, "Can't leave without permission." 'Supposedly.' She added to herself.

"Oh." Will looked surprised by the little bracelet, it was very nice looking. Something that many woman would fawn over enviously. Ratchet had explained that he had placed a device on the woman that would set off alarms anytime she left the med bay and by the demonstration of a few days prior he knew it to be true but he hadn't expected it to be such a _nice_ looking thing. "I guess then, do you want some company?"

"Sure." Aurian smiled. She had missed conversing with Will. It seemed that since her return to the base both he and Rob had been so busy that they hadn't had the time for her. She knew not to be offended, this was their job after all and she wasn't very high up on their list of things to do. "You've been spending a lot of time at home, huh?"

"Yeah, Sarah's worried." Will settled himself next to Aurian, gazing out at the desert that surrounded them. Not a very magnificent view. "I tried to convince her to move to the base housing for the time being but she wouldn't have any of that."

"Can't say I blame her."

"Me neither." He shook his head, "So how are you?"

"Fine." She smiled brightly at the man, a sure sign that 'fine' wasn't the proper word for how she was.

"Uh huh, and how long are you allowed to be roaming about the base?"

"Oh, until Ratchet calls for me I guess." She couldn't stop the giggle that came, "I'm sure it won't be _too_ long now." It had been a while since she'd made her escape. Surely Ratchet would discover that she had left the med bay any moment now and then the alarms would be sounded and the search would be on.

The two sat for a good length just talking. Their conversation ranged from what was going on at the base (that Aurian was permitted to know anyway) to their home lives. Aurian became all too aware of all the people that she hadn't spoken to since this whole ordeal began, like her mother. She remembered the police officer saying that a family member had reported her missing. Had it been her mother? Or one of her aunts? Their family was pretty close so her sudden absence wouldn't have gone unnoticed.

"Is there a chance I could possibly use a phone?" Aurian finally asked.

"What for?" Will hadn't caught how the direction of the conversation had been affecting Aurian.

"I want to call my mom. She's probably freaking out. I just want to tell her I'm okay."

Will found himself surprised. Why hadn't he thought of that? Of course Aurian would be missing her own family and the fact that she couldn't just go visit them whenever she wanted... "Of course."

Leading Aurian to the base's offices Will sought out a reasonably secluded area where she could have some privacy. "You're going to have to make it quick. I'm sorry but phone time is limited over public lines."

"Okay." Aurian considered the phone. What was she going to say? 'Hey, mom. Got myself mixed up with alien robots, not sure when I'll be by to visit, love you, bye?' Yeah...that would go over well. With a deep sigh she decided she would figure it out as she went and grabbed the phone. It rang several times before a rather worn voice answered on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Mom?"

"Aurian!"

"Yeah, sorry I haven't called..." Aurian felt guilty as the woman on the other end broke down in sobs of gratitude, telling her of all the fears that had haunted her over the past several days of her daughter's absence and how she thought the worst had happened. "I'm so sorry mom, I really didn't mean to worry anyone. It just all happened so fast."

"What happened?"

"Well, I can't exactly say..."

"Is it that job of yours? I've told you a thousand times it was going to lead to trouble." The older woman gasped with shock, "I saw on the news the lab was destroyed! Were you there? Is that why you've been gone? Are you alright?"

"Mom. I...yes, I was there. No, I didn't get hurt when the building was destroyed. It was kind of my fault actually, but that's the part I can't really talk about. I just wanted to call you and tell you I'm okay. I don't know when I'll be able to come see you..." Aurian found herself choked at the thought. _Could_ she go see her mother? If the Decepticons were hunting her then if she went visiting she would be exposing her mother to them. For all she knew this phone call could be exposing her! 'Oh, Gods!' "Mom, I've got to go. I'm so sorry! I love you!" Before the woman on the other end could say anything Aurian hung up. "Will! How secure are these lines?"

"What? Why?"

"I called my mother. They could've been listening in!"

Will's demeanor instantly relaxed and he smiled assuringly for the woman, "Don't worry. That's why there's a time limit. The lines are secured, though a long conversation could allow for the systems to be hacked and exposed. You're call was not long enough for anyone to find your mother."

Aurian nearly melted with the sudden relief, "Good..." She felt so tired now. Talking to her mother had brought on a whole new wave of emotions she just wasn't ready to deal with.

"Shouldn't you..." Before Will could finish his sentence a familiarly unusual alarm began to sound.

"Heh...well, I guess Ratchet's calling." Aurian's grin crept back on her face, "If you'll excuse me." She pushed past Will, giggling the whole way.

"Where are you going?"

"Shouldn't it be obvious?" She called over her shoulder.

"If I'm not mistaken, that's the med bay alarm Ratchet had installed." Will began to follow the woman. He wasn't entirely sure if he should escort her back to the med bay or follow and see where she was going.

"Sure is."

"That was designed to go off when a certain item crossed a specific point."

"Yep."

"You're not supposed to be out here, are you?"

"Nope." Aurian laughed again. "Don't worry, I'm going back."

"Why do you push you limits?" He was actually angry. After everything Aurian had been through by every right she should be completely bed ridden for several weeks to allow proper recovery. Ratchet had found it difficult to get her to even remain in one room, let alone rest.

"Because," Aurian didn't blame Will for his anger. He was a military man, orders were to be followed not pushed or ignored. "If I didn't, I'd wither into a bumbling mess of fear." She looked at the stunned man, pure honesty exposed in everything she did, speaking in an informative tone, "I've been chased down, shot at, locked up, tagged," she waved at the bracelet around her ankle, "lectured, threatened and been the cause of _so_ much pain and suffering I can't even _begin_ to apologize for it all.

"I've been turned into a guinea pig and because of that I'm terrified of Ratchet, _Ratchet!_ who's only intention is to _help_ me. Every time I close my eyes I'm bombarded by images I'd rather never see again. I'm scared all the time.

"I can't go home, can't go see my family or friends aside from Roddi; who I might mention is being held as a prisoner no matter _what_ anyone says, you're not fooling me _or _him; was the direct cause for the destruction of my work place, destroying the lively hood of over a hundred people...I've lost everything in a less traumatic way then a national disaster yet every bit as effective." She smiled again, "I've got my spite and my curiosity. I won't lose those too." Moving on before Will could have a minute to compose himself Aurian found that just having let all that out made her feel better. "I'll catch ya' later Will!" She called out, waiving dismissively.

Will, despite all his military history, all the horrible things he had seen through his war tours didn't know what to say or do. Aurian had stated so simply that she was an emotional wreck and clinging to the little bit of sanity she could see. He had known men to completely lose it for less. He decided that, for now, as long as she wasn't coming to harm and she at least remained on base he could turn a blind eye to her little defiances. If it gave her something solid to stand on, it was harmless enough. "Sorry Ratchet." He mumbled.

Aurian wandered down the hallways in no particular hurry to reach her destination. She really didn't want to receive the lecture she knew she was due but to continue to avoid Ratchet wasn't a good idea. For all his orders and demands he had nothing but her best interest in mind and she had to respect that. The alarm continued to moan it's soft warning, reminding her that once again she had let her selfishness bother those who only wanted to help her. 'Childish.' She scolded herself.

"By Primus, human." Aurian turned to see Jolt standing behind her, arms crossed and a rather disapproving look on his face looking down at her.

"Jolt, I'm going back." She pointed in the direction of the med bay, "I guess 'sorry' isn't going to cut it, huh?"

"I can honestly say I haven't seen Ratchet this wound up in vorns." His voice was clipped, stating fact not speculation, "What possessed you?"

Aurian shrugged, "Spite."

"After everything everyone has done for you and you go traipsing around like nothing happened?" The blue mech came to stand a few feet from the human woman. "You should have stayed put."

"I know."

There was no forgiveness in anything Jolt did. He plucked the small woman from the ground and lifted her up to his optic level, giving one last good glare before heading toward the med bay. "You are nothing but trouble."

Aurian could not argue, found that she didn't want to argue. Her thoughts drifted back to Sideswipe and all the pain he had suffered because of her. She decided then that she would try to reach Sunstreaker. It was the least she could do for the mech that had risked his life for her.

Ratchet was something completely different. Aurian knew he was angry, that he was near his limit with her. She continued to defy everything he told her simply because she could and knew that was more frustrating to him then having to deal with the damages Skids and Mudflap's continually caused one another from their inane scuffles. So of course when she was deposited on the examination table and faced with the angered mech she astutely refused to look at him. She was ready to take his scolding but she didn't want to have to see that anger and frustration.

"Aurian," she was disheartened by the disappointment in his voice as he began speaking. She could've handled anger. "Will contacted me. He said you've spent the afternoon with him."

She nodded, maybe not the whole afternoon but a portion of it had been spent with the man.

"He told me what you said to him." Ratchet knelt down so that Aurian could not avoid looking at him any further, "I'm not mad at you. My actions were not meant to make you feel trapped."

"I know that." She grumbled. Damn him for being understanding. If he was angry with her she could be angry with him and feel that her actions were justified. His understanding made her feel even more childish then she already knew herself to be.

"It would seem, that though you _say_ you know, you do not _feel_ the same. I will remove the device to show you that I mean what I say."

"No." Aurian oddly felt a little anxiety over the idea of the silver band being removed. She had been angry at its purpose but the item its self was nice to look at...and it was created out of concern for her and somehow that made it precious. "I'd like to keep it."

Jolt observed the interaction from a distance with some form of disbelief. The human had acted irresponsibly, which was something that would have normally sent Ratchet off the deep end, yet here he was talking softly with her, seemingly trying to encourage her. He had heard what the humans were capable of and understood that they were good allies to have but he truthfully didn't see what caused the others to become so friendly with them. They were small, fragile and annoying. This one in particular had been nothing but trouble since his arrival and yet _all_ of the other mechs had lept into action to rescue her from a situation she had put herself into. True, Sideswipe had assisted in the event and he had assumed that that was _why_ everyone else was getting involved but now? Optimus had told him and the twins that had arrived with him that Aurian was a special case and was to be considered as such, he just didn't understand _why_.

All of the other humans on the base were either military; warriors capable of handling themselves in battle, medical personal; there for obvious reasons, or government; here to maintain levels of alliance between the two species. Yet this human, Aurian, was none of those. She had no purpose on the base at all.

"Will you stay here then?" Ratchet stood, bringing Jolt back to the conversation going on between the two.

"Can I at least leave for food?"

The medic considered the proposition, before all of this he would have said no. He preferred to monitor her nourishment intake to assure she was eating well; a sign of recovery but taking into account that the woman would turn down the foods he brought her nearly half of the time anyway... "As long as you promise to eat properly, take it easy and get plenty of rest I suppose it couldn't hurt."

"Deal." Aurian was elated by the mere idea of having some semblance of freedom...her gaze drifted over to Barricade.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; negotiations_

_ Barricade would not speak for himself, somebody had to. But what was I going to say in his favor? He had tried to kill me, participated in the battle for the Allspark...the youth sectors..._

_ I had my work cut out for me. I decided I would put together a formal proposition and go to Optimus himself with it. How was I going to get Barricade to concede though? Dang, this was going to take time._

_ ~Aurian Fae_


	29. Journal Entry 29

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~So, here's the deal guys. I think my wonderful beta reader (FORD B.) may have left town for the holidays. I'm unsure as I have not heard from him in several days. I have many chapters awaiting his once over...but I simply could not hold back any longer. ^_^* So, this chapter is not beta read, please forgive if there are missed spelling errors. I have read over it a few times and hope I have caught them. (I don't usually have TOO many). The point is that I wanted to let you all know, especially those of you who are more then use to my rapid updates, that I will probably hold out on the remaining chapters until they have been beta'ed. I'm so sorry for the delay! I hope this will hold you over and that I hear from my beta reader soon. (Where are you FORD?)**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; doorways_

_ Meditation is supposed to be the best way to 'reach out' they say. So I meditated trying to draw in the images I had of Sunny that I'm pretty sure I got from Sides, though honestly I had _no idea_ what I was doing. My connection to Sideswipe was just...there. I didn't have to try and I wasn't even sure how I managed to 'communicate' with him other then he just seemed to 'hear' me. Gods this was frustrating!_

_ I was beginning to think that the dream had been just that; a dream._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

It was cold. There were sounds but they were all distorted and echoed strangely throughout her head. Aurian felt fear. Absolute dread. She knew where she was but how did she get here?

"Are ve avake then?" That voice!

'No!' She tried to scream but she couldn't.

"Good! Good!" The sound of tiny metal claws climbing onto the table with her, climbing over her, poking and prodding.

'Get off me!' No matter how hard she tried her voice just would not work. Her chest screamed with the effort but there was no reward for such struggles.

"I think ve shall take a look at your soul. Yes. That is vhat ve vill do."

Pain. Sheer agonizing, gut wrenching pain shot through her entire body. Tears poured from her eyes even as she continued her silent cries for mercy.

"Who are you?" Another voice but this one wasn't distorted like all the other sounds. It was clear and strong.

'Please! Help me!' She begged.

"What..." A sensation of shock washed through her as she felt Scalpels claws dig deep into her chest. The new voice roared in a mix of pain and anger.

'No!' Aurian screamed with all her strength, the other voice screamed with her. Then a third joined in the agony, though it was distant. 'Stop it! Please stop it!'

"S-Sides-sss-ipe?" The voice asked confused, full of agony.

'Please, stop it!' Aurian couldn't register what the other voice was saying through the pain that was devouring every semblance of thought she had. Then there was light, warm, golden light that lifted away the pressure of the mech on top of her and banished all the pain.

"Who are you?" The voice demanded angrily.

'Am I dreaming again?' She tried to ask but still her voice would not work.

"Who are you?" Again the voice demanded, the tone dropping to something below 'chilling'.

'Aurian.' She tried to look around but was unable to do that either. 'Where am I?'

"That is what I want to know. And how are _you_ reaching _me_?" The voice was beyond angry. It was livid and annoyed and anything else that could describe completely unpleased.

'Who are you?' The warmth was invading her completely, lulling her into a calmness that threatened to render her invalid. She fought against it, there was something about all this that was important she knew but what?

"You're the one reaching me, you should know." There was a heavy pause before the voice snapped again, "Why do you feel like Sideswipe?"

"Sunny!" Aurian finally found her voice as everything became suddenly clear again. The golden light, the dream, it was the same as before only now she was able to stave off oblivion long enough to puzzle out the situation.

"What did you call me?" The voice growled, promising death. Aurian could not answer though as it seemed finding her voice had also brought her from sleep.

Sitting up suddenly in her bed Aurian looked around assuring herself that she was indeed in her room in the med bay just as she had been when she had fallen asleep. She felt an ache in her chest as though what she had dreamed of had actually occurred. No, it was more of a..stabbing, bleeding pain! Clutching at her chest Aurian doubled over trying to draw in breath. Her lungs burned and her head pounded with the lack of oxygen.

'Aurian?' Sideswipe's quarry came laced with pain and longing. 'Are you alright?'

She still couldn't catch her breath but she tried to think of soothing thoughts and pushed them toward the mech. If she could just calm down...

'What happened?' Still the pain lingered in the thought.

The nightmare quickly lept back to her thoughts, Scalpel's vile claws the center of her focus. She had managed to refrain from dreaming of the horrors of his experiments most nights by simply avoiding sleep until she was simply too exhausted to even dream but tonight she had fallen asleep while trying to meditate.

'Again?' There was nothing but sympathy in the thought this time, offering a bit of comfort and a wave of protection.

"Gods, Sides, it hurts so much!" She was finally able to choke out through gasps. "I can still _feel_ him digging inside me!"

'It's okay!' Wave after wave of comfort and soothing wrapped around her so intensely she could almost feel it physically. 'I'm coming to the med bay.'

"You don't have too..." oh but she _wanted_ him to. She needed something to hold onto, someone to hold her, to banish the thoughts of that evil little creature and all the things he had done to her.

'No, but I am.' There was an appreciation in the thought that Aurian found very pleasing.

"Thank you." She nearly sobbed. In the face of all that she had to endure trying to reach some kind of balance again it was a Gods given mercy to Aurian that there was somebody who could, if not understand, at least willingly allow her to feed off of his strength to pull herself from the whirlpool of doubts and fear that threatened her very mind.

'I'm just glad you're talking to me again.'

Aurian realized that she had not 'heard' from Sideswipe in nearly a full day. The mech had been on patrol until early sometime this morning, as she realized it must be morning now, and so she had not come across him. The thoughts that he had been projecting toward her she had simply ignored and pushed away. She wasn't really mad at him anymore for having snapped at her previously but it was principal. "If you hadn't yelled at me..."

'I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I just...I miss him.'

The pain in her chest shot back to full intensity as Sideswipe 'spoke'. She screamed with the shocking wave of hurt and longing.

'Aurian?' Distress wound around the word.

"Stop it!" She gasped desperately, "Please stop!" She just knew that it had to be Scalpel stabbing her again. The pain was so horrible!

'I'm almost there!' But she knew that, she could _feel_ that he was close.

Stumbling from her room into the med bay Aurian tried to remain on her feet. She only vaguely realized at all that she had left her bed to move closer to the feeling of Sideswipe. A distant panic invaded her as she swayed on her feet.

"Aurian!" Sideswipe was there, holding her now and the pain was subsiding.

"What is _wrong_ with me?" She asked pleadingly.

"I don't know. I called for Ratchet, he's on his way."

Aurian groaned. The medic had been more edgy around her ever since her confession to Will and his consent to allow her some free roam. This was not going to go well. "Did you have to?"

"The pain you were feeling was too much. I was afraid you were...I think it'd be a good idea if Ratchet at least looked you over."

"He'll just see what he always does. Nothing." Aurian rubbed her head, it ached something awful now but she decided that it was a pain she could handle, just as long as she never had to feel that burning, tearing pain in her chest again.

Sideswipe found one of the examination tables and made himself comfortable, holding Aurian close to him with one hand and absently rubbing her back with his thumb. "I was worried. All that pain and fear just came out of no where."

"Nightmare." Aurian explained.

"Then it suddenly stopped. For a moment I thought the worst."

"Heh, I may be a fragile, puny human but I wont die that easy."

Sideswipe didn't say anything. He hadn't spoken the words because the mere thought was so distressful to him. "Too stubborn for that, huh?"

"Exactly." She sighed. This close to Sideswipe she could almost forget that any of it had happened. She almost found it strange but at the same time so very comforting. However, being this close she could also see the remains of what damage had been done to him by the Decepticons that had hunted her, had _used_ him to hunt her and also the hardly damaging yet still very uncomfortable things Ratchet had done to remind the mech never to hit him again. "Ratchet really did a number on you."

"Nah," Sideswipe considered his various dents and dings, there was a lot of them but nothing serious. It didn't _look_ good, but that was something he could fix himself. "These are just love taps. If I'd really slagged him off I wouldn't be able to walk."

"That wasn't really slagged?" Aurian recalled the scene of Ratchet brutalizing her rescuer and shivered, "I never want to see him actually mad then."

Sideswipe laughed, "No! No you don't!"

At that time the mech of their discussion came barreling into the med bay as though demons might have been on his aft. "Aurian!" She felt his scans even as he approached, "What happened?"

"I had a nightmare." She rubbed her chest a little, remembering the pain, "It was like I was there again. Gods it hurt. Kept hurting even after I woke up."

Ratchet was worried. The way Aurian rubbed her chest brought to mind the anomaly near her heart he had previously scanned. He wanted to get a better look at it but to do that he feared he might have to operate, something he was sure Aurian would not be willing to allow. His scans showed that it was still present and just as much of an enigma as it had been previously. "Aurian, do you have pain in your chest often?"

"No." She didn't even have to think of it. If she'd had pain in her chest like that more often there would be no denying it.

"What's wrong?" Sideswipe asked before Aurian could even register the concerned look on the medic's face.

"I need to do a blood screen." Ratchet turned his thoughts to other issues. He would start small and work up to the idea of surgery so long as Aurian did not balk and the anomaly remained inactive.

Aurian looked nervous but nodded her consent. She felt waves of comfort coming from Sideswipe as Ratchet prepared to take what he needed but even that could not subdue the tremors that shook her entire body. 'It's Ratchet not Scalpel.' She told herself. 'Ratchet not Scalpel.' The chant did little once she felt the metal brush her skin and a scream tore from her clinched jaw. There really was no pain but the _sensation_ was all it took to trigger a whole slue of painful memories. "NO!" She shouted, jerking away.

Ratchet was not surprised by the woman's reaction, Sideswipe's however... The mech had jerked just as if Ratchet were attempting to put a needle in his own lines, pulling not only himself but Aurian away and he too looked nervous. "Sideswipe?"

Sideswipe didn't like doctors. Not so much the doctor per say, but all the things they did or could do. He'd always been nervous around them, not that he could say for sure why just that he was. However normally he could overcome most of his insecurities concerning doctors and the like so long as he knew them, such as Ratchet, or if it wasn't _him_ that had their attentions. Why then had he reacted as though it _were_ him? Even when Sunstreaker had been in the hands of medics he generally didn't have such a personal reaction to it. "She startled me." He tried. It didn't sound right to him but it was the only thing he could think of.

"Hmm." Ratchet considered the terrified reaction of the woman and the similar reaction in the mech that held her. "At least I have enough to do what I need to do."

Aurian sighed heavily. "Good. I don't think I could do that again...I'm sorry Ratchet. I didn't mean to scream."

"It's alright. I expected as much." His instincts had him scanning both the beings before him. "Sideswipe, how are you holding up?"

"Huh?" Thrown by the sudden switch Sideswipe couldn't put together his thoughts quick enough.

"How's your spark?" Ratchet lead on. He didn't really want to cause the young warrior pain but it was a necessary evil to determine the state of the mech's own situation.

Sideswipe caught where Ratchet was going but too late. The call for his brother was strong and it ached horribly in his chest causing pain to surge through all of his circuits. At the same moment Aurian curled up in his hand, leaning heavily on him and groaning in pain. His thoughts instantly returned to his concern for her and whatever was causing her so much discomfort. It seemed as though his attention helped sooth her pain and she began to relax. "I'm fine." Sideswipe snapped. What was Ratchet up to? "It's her I'm worried about!"

"So am I." Ratchet agreed, his processor obsessing over the strange reactions between the two. His research into human physiology told him that they could 'share' a feeling, or have empathy toward one another. There were cases especially between mothers and unborn children where the mother would show all the symptoms of something that only affected the fetus, or with lengthy connections between mated pairs that one may suffer 'sympathy pains' for the others miladies. Humans were so sensitive to things around them that they could easily be affected by strong sensations one way or the other so he was left to wonder if that could be stretched across to another species. "How did you know she was in distress?" He turned his attentions back to the mech cradling the woman.

"What?" Sideswipe didn't know what to say. Truthfully he was willing to accept the bond for what it was but how was he going to explain that to Ratchet? Sibling bonds didn't just _develop_ between two beings, they had to actually _be_ siblings. He couldn't explain it as anything else though. "I was coming to visit her. When I got here she was in pain so I called for you."

"I see." Ratchet still wasn't convinced that everything was as it appeared to be. It was true that Sideswipe may have simply been in the right place at the right time but it seemed that the mech was _always_ in the right place when it came to this human. "Aurian," he did not look away from Sideswipe as he addressed the woman, "I'm afraid that there is an anomaly near your heart that I need to explore." His sensors instantly picked up her rising heart rate, his audio's perking at the faint whimpers that she struggled to keep to herself. "Unfortunately I cannot get a good reading on it through scans and I think surgery is going to be the only way to obtain a clear understanding of it."

"What?" Her voice quivered frantically at the mere thought but her reactions were not what Ratchet was interested in.

Sideswipe's own systems were accelerating with stress, intakes working overtime to cool his overheating structure.

"What is it?" Aurian asked near panic, "Is it dangerous?"

"I am unsure." Ratchet admitted, turning an apologetic look to the distressed woman, "I had intended to let it be until you were more adjusted to the idea, however current situations lead me to believe waiting may not be the best option."

"No." Sideswipe was the one to speak this time. "She's fine!" He stated loudly even as he pulled away from the medic.

"Sideswipe, that is for me to decide." Ratchet felt deep sympathy for the mech. Previously he had merely been suspicious, curious of the strange connection between the two creatures. Now it seemed as if those suspicions were true, however confounding it may be. "Aurian I want you to rest, you're body is far too stressed."

"Like I could sleep now!" Aurian snapped angrily. She was terrified! There was _something_ wrong with her and Ratchet wanted to cut her open to find out what it was! Not to mention the mild panic she was feeling rolling off of Sideswipe. He was trying to send her waves of comfort and support but the distress he was feeling could not be hidden.

"Try." He moved faster then what Aurian could easily perceive and even Sideswipe could not react fast enough as the medic injected a sedative into her arm. "I'm sorry for that," he apologized immediately, "but I cannot allow you to continue this way. You are causing harm to yourself."

"What the Pit!" Sideswipe snarled even as the woman grew limp in his hands.

"Sideswipe. Why didn't you say something?" Ratchet was awed by what he had concluded but he was also angry. All this time Aurian was not only dealing with her own trauma but the hurt of Sideswipe's spark as well. He had suspected something earlier when Sideswipe and Aurian had been so set on being together after her rescue but he had not been able to confirm it.

"What?" His own anger dissipated some at the medic's brusque question.

"You've been causing her pain this whole time!" Ratchet snapped. He couldn't even imagine what kind of havoc this kind of sparkache was having on the human, even if it wasn't her own.

"What?!" Sideswipe was alarmed. How could he be causing her pain?

"Think about it. You can sense _her_ pain..."

Sideswipe caught the drift of the thought but was still not completely on track, "Yeah, but she shouldn't be able to..."

"If _you_ feel it_ she_ feels it too." Ratchet was removing the woman from Sideswipe's protective embrace. With her unconscious he was able to run the tests he had avoided for fear of causing her too much stress. This was not the way he wanted to do these things but he would take what he could get.

"But she doesn't have a spark!"

"And _you_ don't have a _heart_." Ratchet retorted coolly. It confused him too but it was all too clear it was a bond and bonds worked in much the same way no matter the connection. "Look," he continued even as he began his tests, "I don't understand _how_ the two of you have even become connected. I could almost understand her sensing your suffering, humans seem to be affected by such things in more cases then I could cite. It is common in their culture. However for one of _us_ to sense another so intensely there must be a bond created. You are obviously displaying symptoms of such a bond with her." At this the medic turned to face the young mech, "You knew she was troubled before you even arrived here." It was accusing but not requesting any explication, "You knew that she was being held by Sideways." He went on, "You were suffering her pain when..."

"Yes! Okay, yes. I didn't know it at the time." Sideswipe didn't want to remember that pain. Even the worst of his sparkaches caused by his separation from his twin had not been a glimmer compared to the pain he had felt while Aurian had been in the clutches of the mad Decepticon field medic. "I sense her like I sense Sunstreaker. It's like...she's always been there just that I didn't know it."

"When did all this begin?" Ratchet resumed his work. The sedative was strong and with the aid of Aurian's long denied exhaustion she would likely remain unconscious for some time, however if she were caused pain she would wake once the sedative wore off.

"I don't know that I can pinpoint an exact moment but sometime between when Jolt and the idiots arrived and when she was abducted." Sideswipe couldn't help but to think of how distracted he had been when the Decepticons had ambushed him outside of Aurian's apartment. "It became clear when I was talking to you..."

"When you said she had called you her brother?" Ratchet's processor was absorbing everything. It was making sense now, all the strange reactions the young mech had had any time the woman had been concerned. Even many of the woman's own panic attacks now had cause, Sideswipe's longing for his twin was strong.

"Yeah."

"This isn't good for her." Ratchet sighed, "I can't even begin to know how the pain of your spark is affecting her."

Sideswipe ducked his head in grief and shame. He hadn't even considered how is own suffering might be felt by her. In his thoughts, she didn't have a spark so she couldn't feel sparkache. "She could feel Sunny too." He admitted miserably.

Ratchet nearly stumbled as he spun back around to face Sideswipe. "Is he close?" There was hope in his voice but there was also fear. Sideswipe would have told someone if Sunstreaker had been near so that they could do their best to reach the mech and bring him to them...but he had said nothing.

"I don't know." His own emotions were in turmoil. Aurian had sensed his brother and he was thrilled that maybe through her they could be reunited however at the same time he could not stop the sheer overpowering jealousy he felt knowing that _she_ could sense him when _he_ could not. "She said she had a dream. When she thought about it I could sense Sunny there...more like an echo but it was still as though he had _been_ there."

Ratchet could hear the pain and anger in the young mech's voice. "Sideswipe..."

"I asked her to try and reach out to him. I don't know if she's tried or not but a little while ago...I thought I felt him but there was so much pain coming from her I just couldn't be sure."

"Primus." Ratchet sighed as he considered the woman laying peacefully before him. Things were getting so much more complicated by the nanoklik.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; just don't get it_

_ Honestly I would have been mad at Ratchet for his foul play but I was far more confused then upset._

_ During my sudden nap I dreamed of floating in an endlessness that was just _boring_. I know I was looking for something but I couldn't find it and that was frustrating me to no end and there was this sensation of something unfamiliar hanging over me, like a shadow or someone watching me and that annoyed me. At the same time I was curious and interested in a thing that I was looking at, or into, or...something. It's hard to explain. It was almost as if I were this thing and the one looking at it all at the same moment. So...I was annoying myself._

_ There was something all too familiar about the 'thing' me and I was trying to figure out what it was and the 'thing' me was trying to figure out what the 'shadow' me was doing, where I was coming from and why I felt so familiar...so very confusing._

_ I wanted the 'thing' me to follow the 'shadow' me back...to wherever it was I came from but the 'thing' me was insistent that I was searching for something more important and didn't want to be bothered by the 'shadow' me at all...aside from the fact that the 'shadow' me was so irkingly familiar that the 'thing' me really wanted to investigate while at the same moment was dead set against diverting from my current search._

_ The 'shadow' me almost felt desperate for the 'thing' me to come. "Just come see..." I remember the words. I spoke them, it was my voice, it was me but at the same time I heard them and was annoyed. "If this is just some stupid..." I said to myself dangerously. I really wanted to just ignore me but something kept telling me to listen. "I promise you won't be disappointed." I told myself feeling that I had finally succeeded in connecting something. There was a puzzle that had been solved and I hadn't even realized I was trying to put it together._

_ The 'thing' me was confused by this. Something interesting had to happen at the very least, so I went where the 'shadow' me was pulling from._

_ When I woke up I couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling. "What the Hell was that?"_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**K, just another quick note: Yes, I had Sideswipe reffering to Skids and Mudflap as 'the idiots'. I don't necessarily HATE the newer twins, actually I don't...but they're idiots. I'm sorry. ^_^ I say this with all the affection of a big sister looking at silly little brothers...though I don't think that's really the way Sides feels about them...hmmm. **

**At any rate! Please forgive my lateness, the further lateness of the next chapters and anything that may be wrong with this one. Thank you all for reading!!!  
**


	30. Journal Entry 30

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~FORD B. has returned!!! Huzah! So postings should be back to somewhat normal.**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; anomaly_

_ Okay, so there's this...thing...next to my heart. Ratchet says its not organic but it's not inorganic either. So what is it? I don't know. We were all so sure that Scalpel had put it there, whatever it was, but what would the mech put inside me when he seemed to have every intention of taking me apart bit by bit anyway? Gods that creeped me out. I really kinda wanted to dig out this thing myself because anything _he_ might have put there was nothing good. However...the idea of an operation brought me to tears every time._

_ So I did anything and everything I could do to avoid the topic completely._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"When are you going to finish fixing Barricade." Aurian had been cornered by Ratchet once more. He wanted to run more tests to make sure the anomaly hadn't changed which of course led to the need for surgery to examine or remove it so Aurian had desperately thought of _anything_ to derail the whole affair.

"What?" Ratchet was indeed caught off guard. He had hardly even paid the stubborn Decepticon any mind at all the past several days. Any and all interrogations had proven complete failures and no one so much as mentioned repair... "Why would I?"

"Ratchet?! Are you really so cold?" Aurian only kind of felt guilt for what she was about do. "You're a medic, it's your _duty_ to heal, not perpetuate harm."

He didn't know if he was mad, shocked, or upset. "He is not coming to any harm." He stated coolly.

"No? So, laying around immobilized for...what? Over a month now? Longer? _Isn't_ damaging his systems?" Aurian actually had to wonder about that. In humans that much inactivity would cause atrophy and other such bad things. Did the mechanical Cybertronians suffer the same kind of use-it-or-lose-it fact of life? 'A lot of Earth machines do.' She told herself.

Ratchet couldn't argue with that. Disuse would cause build up in the joints that could be potentially hazardous and his medical programming did decree that he not cause unneeded damage. Especially to a patient.

Aurian could see the thoughts clearly on the medic's face. She had struck a nerve and none too gently. "I wanted to talk to Optimus about him anyway. He doesn't want to fight anymore, he wants to be a Neutral."

"That is difficult to believe." Ratchet spared a dark look for the mech on the far side of the med bay. "He is a Decepticon Aurian, he is trying to deceive you."

"Yeah, I figured you'd think that. If it were any other bot I'd probably agree with you. He's been nothing but honest with me. He even told me about...that he..." Aurian stumbled over her words merely thinking of the massacre that Barricade had participated in, "he didn't even apologize for it!" She stated as though that were proof enough of his sincerity, though once the words were past her lips she realized how condemning it sounded. "I meant that he doesn't expect to be forgiven for his actions." She corrected hopefully.

Ratchet glared down at the woman, his original intentions now forgotten. "Decepticon, Aurian." Was all he could say. She seemed so convinced of her ideals about the mech that Ratchet himself might have been swayed had he not _seen_ the damage the mech had done.

"Living being, Ratchet." Aurian snapped in the same tone he used. She saw the wave of anger, followed by something that might have been shame or regret and then back to stern and unmoving.

"No." Was all he could say.

Aurian didn't bother arguing any further. It was obvious that she had at least set into his mind the idea that this whole situation was wrong and that was good enough for the moment. Any further argument would work against her intentions. She stormed out of the med bay not even bothering to tell the medic where she was going. It didn't matter anyway. She was pretty sure he had some way of tracking the little bracelet still on her ankle. 'Maybe I should have let him take it off.' She thought grumpily. Even if she had set into motion the thoughts she was not satisfied that Barricade would have to endure a lot before the others would even consider helping him. 'I bet Bee would help.' She half smiled as she thought about trying to enlist the scout in her attempts. Though she had to remind herself that she didn't _really_ know where the young mech stood when it came to Barricade. During the whole Allspark race Bumblebee had taken the mech on, though that was to protect Sam.

"What are you up to?" The deep voice instantly brought Aurian to the biggest and most dangerous flaw in her hopes to free Barricade; Ironhide.

"Nothing." She felt her heart drop to her stomach. How would she even approach the subject to Ironhide that Barricade was repentant...or that that was good enough to _not_ tear him apart in a mad fit of rage?

"Are you alright? You look pale."

"Comes with lack of sun." She tried to laugh but it came out a sad mock of the sound instead. "How are you doing?"

Ironhide was somewhat taken aback by this, there was nothing wrong with him. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering." Aurian really didn't want to bring the painful subject back up so decided to avoid it all together. "Where's Will?"

"Meeting."

"Lame." Aurian huffed. She had wanted to talk to him about ways to approach the idea of Barricade's claim of neutrality to Optimus. Not that she was sure he would know but at least he might have a better idea then she did. "Oh, well."

"Did you need him for something important?"

"No." She lied. Well, it was important to her anyway. "Do you know what's going on with Roddi? Are they going to let him go anytime soon?"

"Yes, actually I was looking for you for that exact reason." Ironhide picked the woman up from the floor. It had become common place for him to just carry her, whether she wanted it or not. Aurian had learned to accept being picked up by the large mech because fighting did her no good. "It seems that the human government is finally satisfied that he had only ended up in all of this because of his attempts to help you." Aurian felt the guilt instantly. That was the reason she could not be near any of the people she cared about...because they would end up tangled in all this mess, or worse, dead. Ironhide seemed to realize what his words had meant to the woman far too late to take them back so the only thing he could think to do was continue. "They can't exactly let him go back to his civilian life, it would be too dangerous so they have decided to offer him a position." He rushed through that part hoping that the positive end would help ease some of her grief.

"Great." Aurian grumbled. It wasn't that she was unhappy that Roger wouldn't be a prisoner anymore but that he would now likely be instrumental in the government obtaining Cybertronian weapons. Something she knew he would have no problems with. "Can I see him?" She couldn't bring the lightness to her voice she knew that Ironhide wanted to hear after his revelation but she tried to at the very least offer him a smile of appreciation for telling her what was going on with her friend.

"Yeah," Ironhide was disappointed. He hated to see the woman so melancholy, especially after having seen how she truly was; a happy, curious person who enjoyed laughing. "I will take you there." Now how was he going to tell her the bad part of the news?

Aurian didn't need Ironhide to say it. She understood. In order to be accepted into the position Roger was being offered he would have to go through 'training' and a number of other things. "When's he leaving?"

"Tonight."

'It's better this way. Then, whatever may happen to me at least I know he's safe.' She told herself, though she couldn't stop the ache in her heart knowing that the one person she had in her life whom she knew and cared about that she _could_ be in contact with was going away. "I bet he's excited." She tried to bring a chipper tone to her voice, this was wonderful for Roger. It was the move up he'd always searched for and a place he would be happy with because of the exposure to technology _no one_ else was likely to see.

"He seemed that way." Ironhide didn't know what else to say. He had been so sure that the news would have brightened the woman's demeanor.

'Aurian, why are you so upset?' Sideswipe asked gently. It was something akin to a soothing rub in her mind intended to offer her support.

"Nothing." She grumbled.

"What?"

Aurian looked up at Ironhide. She realized that she had spoken out loud and without even thinking of it. It had just become so habitual to respond to Sideswipe's 'thoughts' verbally it was as if she was speaking to him directly. "Oh, um..."

'Are you sure? It doesn't seem like nothing.'

"I was just thinking to myself. Sorry 'Hide."

'Oh.' Sideswipe's 'thoughts' shrank away but the offer of support remained. Aurian smiled at the gesture.

They hadn't discussed this connection with anyone, as far as Aurian knew, nobody else knew and she wasn't sure how to explain it anyway. She actually hadn't even discussed it with Sideswipe yet... 'Another time.' She told herself. Right now she had to think of Roger. He was going to be gone for a long time, she was sure, and she didn't want to regret them parting ways. "'Hide? How do you..." she stopped. Yet again she almost brought up a bag of emotions she didn't want to expose.

Ironhide sighed. Ever since his last explosion near her Aurian tender footed around anything she said to him. It was both very sweet and extremely frustrating. "Aurian, feel free to speak your mind to me."

"You don't really want that." Aurian sighed. Every time she opened her mouth, especially around the Autobots, she hurt someone.

"I do. I would like to think of us as friends and friends share their thoughts."

With a deep sigh Aurian thought of all the horrible things she could say at that very moment to prove to him that he did not want to know what pressed her mind but instead she continued with her original question. "How do you say good-bye to a friend?"

Ironhide's steps slowed then stopped. It was such a simple question, such an innocent question and yet so very deep and complex at the very same time. He had had to say good-bye to so many friends throughout his long life, many to never be seen again. "That is a question I can't answer."

"I was afraid of that." Aurian sighed again. "I never really had to say good-bye to anyone 'Hide. Not for longer then a few days anyway. Weekends, Holidays, vacations...things like that but...this...could be forever."

"Then make sure you say everything you need to say."

Aurian was silent and Ironhide took it to mean she was thinking of what she needed to say to the friend she thought she may never see again.

"Ironhide! Aurian!" Roger greeted the two as they entered the commons area, noticing Ironhide first and then the woman he carried so easily. "Did you hear, Auri? I finally get the dream!"

"Yeah!" She threw every bit of excitement into her voice that she could create, dismissing her own anxiety for the man. "That's so awesome Roddi! What you've been dreaming of, huh?"

"More!" He gently embraced the woman as Ironhide deposited her near him. He was excited but still conscious of her hurts. "I get to study _alien_ technology!"

Aurian laughed, though truthfully it was only half laugh and half hysterical sob. "Yeah...just promise you wont go all mad scientist on me okay?"

"Mad sci...Auri! Come on, that's not me." Roger stepped away to finally look at the woman he had been so happy to see just a moment before. There was something...off about her. "Whats wrong?"

"Nothing! There is absolutely nothing wrong. I'm happy for you Roddi, you've finally got everything you ever wanted!" She plastered on the biggest grin she could for him. A friend's dreams should not be ruined by another friend.

It slowly dawned on Roger what was going on. "No." He pulled Aurian back into his arms, this time holding her firmly as though he would not let go. "Not everything. This isn't good-bye Auri so don't act like it. It's only a few months then I'll be right back here. It was part of the condition for my sign on. A great big sign on bonus, clearance, medical, top security training and that I be assigned with the N.E.S.T. team." He let her go reluctantly, "I'll be back."

"I wish I could just be happy for you," Aurian admitted, "but I can't help but feel like I've ruined your life. You're in the same boat as I am now. No contact with family or friends...this is a _war_ Roddi."

"That's enough." Roger dismissed her words with a simple wave of her hand. "All the best things that happened to me have had you in them." He spoke honestly. When he had first gotten his job with the lab, Aurian had been there greeting him. When he had bought his first speed demon car, Aurian had come with him. His best memories all had her in them some way or another and he couldn't, nor did he want to think of his life had she never been involved. "Listen, everything happens for a reason. Yeah, it kinda sucked to have crazy alien robots shooting at me. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I'd have _known_ they were here but still. I wouldn't change anything." His brow furrowed as he rethought that sentence, "No, I would change that you had to suffer so much."

A weak smile did find it's way to her lips. Roger, for all his bravado, was really a caring person. She believed that he wouldn't change what happened to him and that helped ease her burden. "So...no weapons, right?"

Roger laughed. For all her strange notions the idea of weaponry was always her strongest. She never minded tearing them apart but she drew the line at development. "I make no promises."

Ironhide watched the two humans converse. After the first few tense moments they fell into a familiarity that he recognized. True friendships were hard to find in life, even in a life not plagued by war. It brought to him the glaring fact that it was because of them, the Autobots, that these two humans with a friendship few ever had the glory of knowing were to be torn apart. He honestly hoped it _was_ only for the few short Earth months Roger claimed it would be and not the 'forever' Aurian feared. He left the two humans to spend the few hours they had together alone. It was the least he could do for them.

Aurian vaguely noticed the weapons specialist make his exit. This particular part of the commons area was rarely populated and they would have their privacy.

"Okay, now you have to tell me the truth." Roger goaded after a lengthy and lighthearted conversation, "What was that thing that we got at the lab from Mission City?"

"Oh, that." Aurian thought about the discarded peace somewhat mournfully, "There was another Autobot that came to Earth. He died in a battle at Mission City."

"That...wasn't him, was it?"

"No!" Aurian laughed, "It was a weapon or something. Some sort of expendable attachment he had discarded during the fight."

"Oh."

"Actually, Ratchet was trying to bring him back. I don't know if he's having any success...he kind of banned me from the project."

"Blew something up?"

"Why would you say that?" Aurian gave him an evil glare. Just because she had a knack for finding things that _might_ blow up didn't mean that _everything_ blew up.

"You did, didn't you."

"Well, I figured if he was dead his weapons probably would be too." She grumbled. "I just wanted to see how the plasma weapons worked. I didn't think it would go off."

Roger exploded into fits of laughter, "I didn't think it was loaded!" He quoted the overused phrase. After some time he finally calmed down and put together coherent thoughts. "So...haven't you asked?"

"Honestly? I hadn't really thought about it." Subconsciously her gaze drifted in the general direction of the med bay. "I am curious though."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; up to no good_

_ After a few more minutes of discussing it with Roddi we came up with the bright idea that the two of us could take a peak and at least see what kind of progress had been made considering Jazz. We really didn't mean to _do_ anything, just look._

_ Of course...I'm curious...Roddi's curious...and neither one of us have an ounce of common sense._

_ From the looks of things Ratchet had managed to repair most of the damages to the torn mech. It all started because I saw one wire out of place..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**Okay, now that we've come this far I figure I should let everyone know that these next several chapters were spurred because of a song by Snow Patrol "Run". It's by far _not_ the theme of these chapters, just the base of the emotional feel within.**

**And before anyone gets too upset about Roger leaving, I had to get him off the base for a while. You'll see why shortly. ^_^**

**I hope you enjoy!  
**


	31. Journal Entry 31

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; slag-sometimes it just happens_

_ The Autobots and the N.E.S.T. team were called out on a sighting. They all went for this one, I guess there was some pretty big 'Cons reeking havoc in Africa...or maybe it was Russia...honestly I have no idea. I only got a brief 'what-not-to-do' as they all rushed off._

_ Silly thing though...that list most definitely did not involve 'not bothering Barricade', or 'not fragging around with Jazz's frame', or 'not hacking the med bay's main computer to play spider solitaire on the biggest screen I think I've ever seen'. Nope. Not a one of those things had been covered in my very strict list of 'don't's'._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Boredom is a very dangerous thing.

Aurian had wandered the base for hours. The only soldiers present were either busy with doing their part in the N.E.S.T. team's mission or they were sleeping, preparing to take over for those who were currently busy. As a result she was bored and found herself back in the med bay. Not so much because she wanted to be there but because it was familiar and a habit to go there when she had nowhere else to be.

Her mind had ventured back to her last day with Roger and also to their short stint at Cybertronian surgery. 'I really hope we didn't mess something up.' She thought sadly. True, the mech was still as dead as he had been but that didn't mean that their actions might not have messed up whatever Ratchet had going. Allowing her curiosity to win over anything else she meandered back into the area of the med bay that Ratchet had previously banned her from going into. How long was that ban for anyway? He certainly hadn't said anything about staying out when he rushed off with the others.

Jazz lay just as they had left him last. Whole, but still lifeless. She climbed up to sit next to the mech in much the same way she did with Barricade. His frame was cold and it sent chills through her body. "You weren't supposed to die Jazz." She scolded the mech quietly. "What were you thinking? Taking on Megatron like that?" With a sigh she leaned back against the cool metal. "There's got to be something we're missing." She knew Ratchet had attempted to use the Allspark just as she had suggested but apparently it had not been enough. For a moment she wondered where the remaining shard was. "Probably with Optimus." The 'special' building had not yet been completed so the leader maintained possession of the remaining bit of their demolished hopes.

Sitting where she was she could see yet another wire that had not been connected properly. "Ratchet must have just given up and left everything the way it was." She mused to herself, there was no way such a skilled medic would leave so many undone things on a frame he was attempting to return life to. "Well, I have nothing better to do." Aurian set to untangling, reattaching and replacing any wire she could find that looked like it needed attention. The fact that she scavenged equipment from _anything_ that she found a suitable likeness of did not phase her one bit.

Before she knew it, hours had past and the surgery room Jazz's body had been stored in was in ruins. "Oh." She looked around surprised by the destruction she had wrought. "I think Ratchet's gonna notice that..." With a defeated sigh she turned back to the unmoving frame. "I hope you appreciate the lecture I am about to receive." She patted the mech affectionately, saddened that despite her best efforts she still had no idea how to return life to him. She was an engineering technician, not a Cybertronian medic which, despite what fanfiction might have indicated, were not the same thing. She had to admit to herself she had hoped that maybe she had the special touch but she didn't and Jazz sill lay in the hands of oblivion. "Sorry man."

Retreating from the room somewhat satisfied, even if a bit disheartened, Aurian tried to figure out what the next thing she would do to amuse herself for the endless boring hours she still had yet to endure until the others came back. She considered the computer that she had, indeed, hacked to play any number of single player games though admittedly they did not take her mind off of the things she didn't want to think about and that's why there still remained a game unfinished on the large screen. "Probably won't be happy about that either." She thought out loud.

A faint sound caught her ear and Aurian froze in place trying to pick out the noise. It wasn't something she usually heard in the med bay, even during the still of night when everyone was resting and most of the machines were shut down. It was a high pitched whirring noise, like a wheel that did not want to turn. Turning slowly to better figure the direction it was coming from she found herself facing Barricade's berth. "'Cade?"

"Don't call me that." The mech snapped, though his voice sounded stressed.

"What's wrong?"

In response the sound grew a few octaves to something Aurian could hear easily instead of straining for.

She rushed over to the berth and practically flew up to the top. "'Cade!?" She could now clearly see that the mech was suffering. Pain etched into all of his features and despite his paralysis his body trembled ever so slightly. "What's wrong?"

"Go away." He snarled at her, every bit as viciously as a guard dog contained behind a chain link fence. All bark...

"No. You're in pain!"

"You are foolish."

"I don't care!" She looked over the mech trying to piece together what she knew in a desperate effort to help him. "Where does it hurt?"

"What do you..." his words were cut off as he obviously suffered another intense rise of pain, "think _you_ can do, human?" He finished.

"Well, either you give me some idea of what I _can_ do to help you...or I just start playing with things until you stop hurting..." 'One way or another.' She thought morbidly. Silently she was thanking herself for allowing her curiosity to play around in Jazz's lifeless frame so that now she actually had a good understanding of what went where and did what on a living mech.

"You wouldn't..."

"Already am." Aurian hadn't hesitated long once she convinced herself that the two mech's internal workings weren't so different. "Is it because you can't move?"

Barricade snarled angrily. He couldn't feel what the woman was doing to him but he didn't like it all the same. He did not enjoy _anyone_ messing around with his circuitry, especially not someone who didn't know what they were doing.

"Fine. Don't tell me. That's okay." Aurian was just talking so that Barricade knew where she was. Honestly, she doubted whatever he might have told her would help her any at all. She didn't know terms, she just knew that this whats'it was here and that thingie was there. Of course she could classify everything by it's Earth likeness, not that everything had an Earth likeness...actually most of it didn't, but that was beside the point. She _did_ have a vague idea of what might be causing his pain and that's what she was going to deal with.

"Human, don't touch me!" Barricade growled. He would have shouted but he was afraid that if he started yelling he wouldn't stop.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me..." Aurian mocked in the tone of a child annoying someone else. Honestly she wanted him to be mad. If he was mad enough he wouldn't think about the pain. "You sound like a little girl 'Cade." She had found a place near his spinal support structure where fluids had began to pool, leaking from a swollen line. 'Not good...' She thought. If this were a human it would have been the equivalent of a ruptured disk...only worse...she thought. "Does it hurt when I do this?" She asked in all honesty as she prodded the bloated line. She was answered by a defining roar and instantly pulled her hand away. "Well...guess I found the problem. Now the question is...how do I fix it?"

"You. Don't." Barricade huffed between intakes. All of his systems were screaming with agony, begging him to go offline.

Aurian thought. She needed Ratchet or Jolt but they were both gone with the N.E.S.T. team. How was she supposed to reach them? "Sideswipe?" She called out, focusing her thoughts. This would be the first time she had contacted him first, normally she simply responded to his calls.

'Aurian? What's wrong?' She got the sensation that he was busy. Very busy.

"I need Ratchet...or Jolt. One of them."

Fear filled her for an instant, 'Are you hurt?'

"No, it's not me. I need to know what to do with this..." She focused on the image of the leaking line, trying to not add onto the image that it was Barricade.

'What are you doing?' Anger and strong hatred filled her now. She knew it wasn't directed toward her but to the mech that she was currently trying to help, she had not succeeded in hiding that bit of information.

"He's in pain Sides, I can't just ignore him."

'Yes you can. Get away from him!'

"No."

'Aurian! He's dangerous...'

"He's hurt! He's in pain and I'm not going to just let him suffer. The rest of you self centered mechanical pricks may not care about the fact that you're willingly letting someone waste away but I do! Get Ratchet. Now." Her voice dropped from livid to deadly cold. The pool of fluids was growing and the sound that had first drawn her attention to Barricade was growing to a much more distressing pitch.

'Aurian...'

"NOW!" There was a distinct feeling of absolute shock and betrayal from Sideswipe but he didn't say anything further, the sensation that he was actually complying was the only thing that stopped Aurian from any further anger directed toward him.

"What are you doing?" Barricade could not hold back the terror he felt by the woman's odd behavior. That close to his center she could easily deactivate him accidentally and there was nothing he could do about it.

"Just try to stay calm 'Cade. I'm going to help you."

"You don't know what you're doing!"

"No, but Ratchet will."

"H..." he choked on his words as another flux of pain consumed him.

"Don't worry about how. I'm not an idiot 'Cade. I know you're scared and that I'm close to your spark here. I have no intentions of doing anything until I know what I'm doing." She gently rubbed her hand against the sensitive paneling beneath his armor near where she sat. "I don't want to hurt you any more then I already have."

Barricade somehow felt soothed by the woman's assurances. He had overheard the whole conversation between Ratchet and Sideswipe previously but honestly he had not believed what they were saying. There was no way for a Cybertronian to become connected to anything but another Cybertronian...yet, here sat the proof huddled next to him, helping him by using that very connection.

'Ratchet wants to know how responsive..._he_ is.' The thought was very snide, still full of anger only now it _was_ directed toward Aurian.

'Later.' She told herself, promising that she would figure it out later. "'Cade? Can you talk to me?"

"What do you want me to say?" He snarled.

"Anything. Just keep talking to me so I know you're hanging on." She tapped on his armor indicating that if he didn't comply she was going to annoy him until he couldn't ignore her any further. "He's lucid." She told Sideswipe.

'He says you have to relieve the pressure before the line blows out.' Along with this thought came images that Aurian could only suspect that Ratchet was transmitting to Sideswipe. The images flashed by so fast she could hardly catch what they indicated she was to do.

"Slower Sides...I'm only human." She was stunned by the sudden absence of _anything_ coming from the mech, almost as if he had completely pulled away from their connection. Then, a creeping feeling of discomfort drew around her along with the sensation of 'keeping' and the images returned, only this time much slower so that she could understand them.

She followed the directions carefully, step by step, insuring that if at any point she was unclear she asked for greater detail through her connection with Sideswipe. As she continued she got the distinct feeling that what she was doing was dangerously sensitive surgery, however she had somewhat of an advantage being so small comparatively she could get her hands in places that would normally require removal of protective paneling.

"Okay, Sides...now what?" She looked over her handiwork. Barricade didn't seem to be in any further pain but the sounds coming from his systems were still distressed.

There was silence.

"Sides?"

'There's nothing more you can do until we get back.' There was the feeling that he wasn't talking directly to her this time. Like there was someone else listening into the conversation or that he was sharing the thought with someone.

"Is that what Ratchet says, or you?"

'Both of us.'

"Why do I get the feeling that you're holding back?"

"Because it will just happen again." Barricade added to the, from his point of view, one sided conversation. He knew what the warrior mech and the medic had concluded. Unless he could start moving and get his systems working properly again he would be right back in the same condition within joors.

"What?" Aurian addressed both Barricade and Sideswipe with the same question.

'It's too dangerous.' Sideswipe replied even as Aurian thought she knew what Barricade meant.

"Your Autobot masters will not allow you to repair my mobilization units. Without the repair my systems will continue to back up and break down."

Aurian felt the confirmation from Sideswipe, even if he wouldn't speak the words and now she was livid. "Sideswipe, I understand your concern but you have to understand I'm going to completely ignore it now. I'm going to fix him."

'NO!' The thought was so loud and profound that it actually threw Aurian from her feet clutching her head. 'We'll be back in a few days...' this thought was softer, apologetic.

"A few days?" She considered the sounds of Barricade's systems, focused on them and pushed the sound toward Sideswipe. "Does that sound like he can wait a few days?"

Silence.

"Thought so." She determinedly stopped any further thoughts from Sideswipe knowing that the mech would not transfer any useful information to her, even if Ratchet was willing to supply it. "Alright 'Cade. This part is up to you and me."

"What are your intentions?"

"Like I said, I'm going to fix you."

"You can't."

"Watch me." She considered the wires that still lay torn throughout his frame. These were the things she had done, she could surely repair them too. "How much do you know about mobile repair?"

Barricade was speechless. He had come to expect a lot from this human woman but the sheer determination in her voice was new to him. Images of her tearing through his sensitive wiring frantically trying to keep him from destroying her bombarded him along with the sound of her overpowering glee as she demolished the device the Autobot medic had designed for the soul purpose of keeping her in the med bay.

"'Cade?"

"I know very little. Basics at best."

"Okay. Well, between your basics and my experience I think we can get this done. Let me know if anything hurts."

The work proved tedious and time consuming. Aurian was able to return functions to his legs and one arm before she collapsed out of exhaustion. "One more to go." She groaned trying to convince her body to continue.

"Human, you push yourself too far."

"'Cade...I don't need a mother right now. It's my fault you are in this dangerous condition and I will not let you die because of it. I don't care what those idiots say. I know you're a Decepticon but you're _different_."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do." Aurian spoke with absolute conviction. The others might not see it but she did. Barricade was a good mech, even if he had done horrible things. "You could have killed me any time now but you haven't."

"Maybe I'm biding my time until you complete my repairs."

"And that's why you're concerned that I'm pushing myself? _That_ sounds like someone who wants to kill me." She said sarcastically as she squirmed into the space beside his remaining immobile arm.

"You are fo..." Barricade stopped, even his intake systems froze suddenly.

"'Cade? What's wrong? What did I do?"

"Silence human!" He snarled pulling himself into a sitting position head tipped as though he were listening. Truthfully he had to fight to remain seated, everything was screaming in pain and all of his functions were sluggish at best.

Aurian could feel the hairs on the back of her neck rising. _Something_ was wrong. She reached out to Sideswipe, only momentarily bombarded by his outrage that she had ignored him and that she had continued repairing Barricade before her fear reached him. 'Is it _him_?' He demanded angrily, an 'I told you so' ready to follow.

"No." She whispered, "I don't know what it is..." Alarms flared to life, a loud klaxon declaring that the base was under attack.

'Get out of there! Go hide!' Sideswipe's panic only added to her own. She wanted to do as she was told but her feet were frozen in place.

Barricade snarled angrily and snatched up the woman with his good hand. "They're here."

"They?" Aurian didn't want to know.

"Hunting party. They're looking for..." He paused even in his search for an escape, "An Allspark shard?"

"Oh...um, yeah." Aurian had been careful not to mention the shard to Barricade. She had already caused enough trouble concerning that thing. "It's not here." She admitted.

"They want you too. What have you done human?"

"What have _I_ done?" Aurian was prepared to go on a tangent of how she was _not_ responsible for anything that they might be accusing her of, however an explosion not far from the med bay wiped her mind of any argument she may have wanted to make. "Oh Gods..."

Barricade looked at the human in his hand. There was no way he was going to get away before the intruders reached here. He placed her on the floor close to one of the human sized doors. "Get out of here."

"What about you?" She wanted to hide, to get away but she didn't want to leave Barricade.

"I'm a Decepticon, I will be fine."

His words did not sound confident to her. "You..." There was no chance to finish her idea as an entire wall to the med bay blew inward, pelting them both with debris and knocking Aurian back several feet.

"Traitor!" Roared the mech that came barreling through the wall, weapon already raised and aimed for the only thing between him and Aurian.

"Barricade!" She screamed in horror just _knowing_ she was about to see him killed.

Everything from that moment moved in slow motion, allowing her to watch in painful clarity as the all too familiar silver mech shifted his gaze from Barricade to her, a smirk creeping across his face even as he fired the weapon pointed at the mech it was fixed on.

Barricade fell toward her. Aurian knew she needed to move. She needed to run and hide...but where would she be able to go? 'No where.' She realized. There was no place she could get to that she could escape the gaze now locked on her. She was trapped.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; unlikely_

_ He fell on me. _ON_ me. But he did so in a way that spared me of any harm. Barricade was thinking, acting even as he struggled to protect himself from the merciless Decepticon that would destroy us both. Or at least I thought Sideways would destroy us._

_ I don't know how, or at what point but I found myself tucked away somewhere dark and warm, surrounded on all sides by metal. This...didn't look good._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

**Okay. I know I'm evil. I'm sorry. Biggest cliffhanger yet...I think...**

**Don't worry though it gets...okay, I can't say it gets better. I can't really say much of anything. You'll just have to wait and see. ^_~ *wanders off humming 'I know something you don't know'*  
**


	32. Journal Entry 32

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; panic_

_ Sideswipe's calls were unending, 'Where are you?', 'Are you okay?', 'What happened?' and I couldn't answer any of them. It was a horribly vicious cycle because he was getting really worked up about it and turns out that any extreme feelings are hard to hold back over an open connection. He didn't want to close the connection though because he was afraid...which was making me afraid...which made him more afraid...yep, there's the cycle right there._

_ So in a matter of minutes I was in hysterical panic. I screamed and kicked and punched with everything I had, all for nothing of course. Wherever I was, I wasn't getting out on my own._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"Do something with him!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know, you're the medic!" Ironhide was struggling to keep hold of the young mech beneath him.

"I've already given him the strongest sedative I have on me, I can't _do_ anything else!" Ratchet was frantically scanning the mech, "You just have to hold on until it starts working."

Ironhide roared as the mech in his grasp slipped free enough to punch him in the face. "Sideswipe, get it together!" His answer was another punch followed by a kick that almost lifted him from the smaller mech. "What the Hell is goin' on with him Ratchet?"

The battle was roaring on in the distance, all the others were trying to subdue the Decepticon they'd spent the past several Earth hours hunting down. They had almost had him captured when Sideswipe lost his focus allowing the enemy to slip past him, very unlike him. Ironhide had alerted to this fact very quickly and had tried to bring his attentions back to the battle the way he normally did, yelling and threatening to pummel him when he got a hold of him later. At that time Sideswipe had seemingly just _lost_ it, blowing things up and demolishing anything he could get his blades near.

Thankfully Ratchet had not been far, having been near when the whole discussion between Aurian and Sideswipe had taken place concerning Barricade and concerned over his reaction to the woman blocking him out he hadn't wanted to go far. A good decision on his part.

"I'm not sure." Though he had an idea, "I think we need to get in touch with the base as soon as possible."

"If we could get that fraggin' disruptor..."

"I know." Ratchet was examining some minor damage Sideswipe had sustained when the Decepticon had briefly crossed paths with him, the mech finally calming under the influence of the drug in his system. "Sideswipe? Before you offline, you want to tell me what's going on?"

"Aurian!" He groaned, still struggling though unable to overpower the weapons specialist's grip.

"What?" Ironhide looked to Ratchet immediately for clarification, only to be further confused by the distressed look on the medic's face.

"Was it Barricade?"

"No. Sideways..." He was losing the battle against the drugs, his systems slowing to a resting state dragging him into recharge.

Not daring to let go of the young warrior mech until he was sure he was safely offline, Ironhide continued to glare at the medic. Ratchet looked extremely troubled by what Sideswipe had said. "Care to explain?" He growled.

"Later. We need to end this now." He considered the battle still raging. The Decepticon wasn't all that powerful but he was quick, something Sideswipe usually took care of. "Sideswipe, transform before you go offline." He knew it would be difficult for the mech to do anything at this point, but he couldn't leave him laying like this. If he was in his vehicle mode at least he would be hidden from human view.

Sideswipe heard the order, he even knew he should comply but he just couldn't. His thoughts were too far away and his systems already too sluggish. 'Where are you?' He called over the bond as he fell into the embrace of thoughtless recharge.

"Pit." Ratchet considered their options. He couldn't leave Sideswipe alone... "Ironhide, go. I'll stay with him."

There was no need for further conversation at that point. Ironhide may have been confused by what had just occurred before his very optics but he knew one thing for sure. Things were worse then they appeared to him and he had to do everything in his power to get them on their way home...where he was sure they were going to find something horrible had happened.

* * *

Darkness.

Aurian felt a numbness running through her. It was pleasant and calming all at once, though it did not take away the fact that she was still trapped. She had felt the sensation of movement, even several harsh jarring impacts nearby but in the end she didn't even have enough room to bounce around much. "This is so not good." She told herself. "How did I end up here?" She thought of the chaos that had happened just before she found herself in this unusual prison. She had been watching Barricade fall toward her. He had landed above her, shuffling around to avoid another blast from Sideways while trying to keep her beneath him. "Why did he do that?" She had collapsed into a ball out of fear and tried to just go wherever she was pushed... "Damn it. I should have watched where I was going." That was the last of it. After that she had been here.

The air was becoming stagnant, she had to of been in here a long time. Aurian was beginning to worry that she might suffocate when there was a familiar shifting sound and then a vent opened up into her tiny tomb, soft blue light filtering in along with a rush of warm air. She was about to start shouting that whomever was holding her captive release her immediately when she heard something else familiar.

"Stay silent human, or I will not be able to keep you from them." The warning was quick and quiet. Barricade.

Aurian was prepared to lecture the mech on just how silent she was _not_ going to remain when more voices echoed through to her.

"Still online traitor?"

"He always was too stubborn." Aurian couldn't identify these two voices but their tones were unmistakable. They had ill intent toward Barricade.

"What? Nothing to say?" The first voice taunted.

"I don't think I'd want to say anything either if I'd gone scampering off to the Autobots."

Both voices laughed, though it was nothing merry. Aurian easily compared it to 'skin-crawling' and 'bone-chilling'. Even as she was about to ask Barricade what was going on, only his previous warning bringing any hesitation to her, she felt another jarring sensation. It was something akin to being inside a barrel that was being slammed against the walls.

"What did you tell them?" The second voice demanded angrily.

Another bashing feeling followed by falling and then more, steady pulsating vibrations that nearly knocked the wind from her. 'What the Hell?' She thought desperately. What was going on? They were obviously yelling at Barricade, so why was she feeling all this...

"Talk traitor!" The second voice snarled viciously, punctuated by even more thunderous concussions.

'They're beating him!' She realized, 'I'm inside him!' Aurian drew all her thoughts together trying to piece it all together. She was surrounded by metal on all sides so wherever she was she was completely protected within some kind of 'pocket'. Her only clue was the pale blue light that did not seem to falter no matter the amount of movement. 'If I didn't know any better...' Her thoughts were cut short as she felt that she were flying some great distance and then a painful impact. "Ow!" She shouted before she could catch herself.

Barricade snarled angrily trying to cover the small noise.

"So soft Barricade?" The first voice cooed, "Have you lost your edge?" They obviously thought they were braking him already. "If you give us the information we ask, maybe we won't beat you to death."

"Unlikely." Barricade growled.

"Rust chip." The second chuckled in almost a pitying way. "I'm going to enjoy this."

* * *

The Autobots looked over the demolished base with intense horror. Their human comrades standing around them no more believing of what they were seeing. The base was...gone, for lack of better words.

"What happened here?" Will's voice was quiet, but in the deadly silence it rang out all too loudly.

"Decepticons attacked while we were gone." Ratchet had told them that he had reason to believe that the Decepticons had made a move on the base but he had never even _dreamed_ that this was what they would find.

"Why?" This was Jolt. He may not have cared much for the humans they worked with but that didn't mean that he wanted them to be destroyed, which was exactly what had happened. There was yet to be a living body found in the mess.

"Aurian." Both Ratchet and Ironhide answered this time and both turned to look at the one mech among them that had yet to discover the truth of the bases fate. Optimus also looked at the young mech, concern evident in his features.

"Do you think they got her?" Rob wasn't sure if he _preferred _that the Decepticons had managed to find and abduct the woman again or if it would be a kinder fate to count her among the departed.

No one wanted to answer that, half their thoughts leaning toward 'I hope so' and the other weighing heavily with 'I hope not'.

"We will know soon enough." Ratchet prepared himself as he noticed the tell tale signs of Sideswipe coming online.

"Ratchet..." Ironhide had a sneaking suspicion he knew what the medic was hinting at but how was that possible?

The annoyed groan had everyone preparing to either tackle the young warrior, or run for cover. "Fraggin Hatchet." Sideswipe could feel his systems starting to respond again but they weren't coming online nearly fast enough for his liking. The silence around him refocused his attentions however as the medic he cursed was leaning over him, concern in his optics. "What the Pit is going on?"

"We're back at base." Ratchet explained slowly, hoping that as realization dawned on the young mech that he would have the opportunity to stop any violent reactions.

"Base?" For some reason that thought distressed him. Something had happened... "Aurian!" He sat up quickly, almost knocking Ratchet over in his haste, and got to his feet before anyone had a chance to say anything further.

It seemed both Ironhide and Optimus were prepared to take down the mech before he could do anything, however it was unneeded as he became so still one might have thought his gears had locked.

"Sideswipe?" Optimus chanced trying to gain the mech's attention.

Sideswipe looked at the destruction with a mix of emotion he could not quite figure out. He was upset but not. Horrified and relieved. Confused. He was definitely confused. 'Aurian?' He sought out their bond, hoping beyond any and all hope that the other end was still intact.

'Sideswipe?' Came the much desired return.

'Where are you? Are you alright?'

'I'm...with Barricade.' She was trying to send him comfort, trying to send him the feelings of security she was feeling but at the same time she was worried and Sideswipe could feel that too.

'What's wrong? If that Pit-spawned 'Con's done any...'

'He's protecting me Sideswipe.' This was sent with an amount of hostility that Sideswipe could not even have imagined the woman knew how to feel. 'He's...hurt.'

"Sideswipe?" This time it was Ratchet who was trying to gain his attention. The mech hadn't moved a micrometer since he had laid optics on the devastated base.

"She's not here." He finally answered. There was a mix of relief and anxiety that ran through all that were present. They had all seen what had happened last time the Decepticons had gotten a hold of the woman. 'Where are you?'

'I don't know.' There was a waive of fear that flooded his entire frame, core wrenching fear. 'I can't talk anymore.'

'We'll find you!' He sent all the courage and determination he could toward her before he pulled back on their connection. He wouldn't pull away completely, just enough that he could feel her and that she could feel him but that she couldn't hear him any further or feel his uncertainty.

"Is she alright?" Ratchet ventured. He couldn't quite read the look on Sideswipe's face, though he understood that there was anger there, along with doubt.

"She didn't say."

"What?" This time it was Jolt. He thought everyone was acting strangely but this bordered on insane. "How are you speaking with the human?"

"They've somehow managed to become bonded." Ratchet explained mater-of-factly. "We are yet unsure of how this bond works other then it would _seem_ it functions as any bond between Cybertronians."

"That's not possible!" They young medic was shocked, though it seemed he was the only one that was. Optimus merely nodded as though he had known but had not confirmed it. Ironhide seemed to be accepting, as though this explained some great unexplainable question. The twins were yammering on about all the interesting ways the two might have become 'bonded', though many of their descriptions were not only impossible but rather disgusting. So this left Jolt to stare at Ratchet, alone in his disbelief.

"I would have agreed with you if I had not seen proof of it myself. They are bonded and there is no denying it." Ratchet was scanning Sideswipe as he spoke to Jolt. He wanted to be sure that the mech was in no pain that he could accidentally transfer over to the woman when she very well might be suffering her own. "Could you feel anything from her?"

"She feels...safe." This Sideswipe snarled angrily, his fists clenching with frustrated irritation.

"Why does that upset you?" Optimus was confused, that was an odd reaction to such a report.

"Because she's with that 'Con!" With this he laid into one of the very few still standing buildings.

"Dang, man...chill!" Came a new voice...one that was familiar...

"That's..." Ironhide stared unbelieving.

"Not possible..." Jolt finished. For some unfathomable reason Primus seemed to want to prove to Jolt this day that everything he knew to be true was in fact _not_ true.

"Hey." The familiar mech stood before the unbelieving group, waiving one hand in greeting while the other rubbed at a sore spot on his midsection. "What's crakin', bitches?"

* * *

It had been silent for what she was guessing to have been hours. Aurian was afraid to talk. She hadn't heard the interrogators leave but they had not done anything for so long... "'Cade?" She whispered as softly as she could only hoping that the mech might hear her.

"Silence human." Barricade responded softly, though not a whisper. It was more that it seemed he didn't want to talk rather then he couldn't.

Aurian knew he had to be hurting. The mechs that had paid their most recent visit had been rough, hardly speaking at all and seemingly enjoying all too much using Barricade as a practice dummy for some high tech kick boxing. "You've got to get out of here." She continued to whisper. Even though she had an undeniable desire to communicate with the mech keeping her safe from unknown horrors she did not want to bring him any more suffering because someone overheard her talking.

Barricade cycled air, which brought Aurian another warm breeze. It was pleasant and she wasn't sure if he did it intentionally or not but she appreciated it either way. "It is too dangerous."

"What?" Dangerous? More dangerous then remaining where the merciless Decepticon keepers would eventually destroy Barricade more completely then simply deactivating him permanently? "'Cade...they're going to kill you."

"Very likely."

There was a moving sensation and Aurian realized that Barricade must have been laying wherever the interrogators had left him. She struggled to keep in a whimper of sorrow for the mech. "Then how is it more dangerous to escape?"

"Because if I attempt to escape, they will most likely deactivate me by frying all my circuits with high voltage charges."

High voltage charges? Why would that be more fearsome then what they were doing to him now? "Is it painful?"

"Very, though it does not last long."

"So..._if_ they got you, you'd die faster then slowly being beat to death? Why wouldn't you jump on that?"

Another cycle of warm air hit Aurian in the face. It was very refreshing but Aurian got the feeling the mech was trying to distract her from something that should have been obvious. "Are you damaged?" He asked instead of answering.

"Not really. A few bumps but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what you got."

"You should rest."

Aurian shifted against her cramped conditions. She really wanted to be able to stretch out but that was just too dangerous without them knowing when the next round of 'visitors' might come. It seemed that there was a pattern to it, she just hadn't figured it out yet. "Is your arm still hurting?"

"No."

She thought that he answered a little too fast to her question, though, with the beatings he'd received she supposed one 'dead' arm wouldn't bother him so much. "Sorry I didn't get that fixed. Maybe if you let me out for a minute I can finish it."

"No."

"No you won't let me out? Or no I can't fix it?"

"Silence." He warned and that was all Aurian needed. They were coming back.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; mad doctors and interrogators_

_ I don't know who's worse! Honestly I only knew what they were demanding of 'Cade less then half of the time, many of the interrogators spoke in Cybertronian...it is their native language after all, but I did gather that they thought he had been a turncoat and that he was hiding something. The Allspark shard I assumed._

_ Still, I kept wondering why he was putting up with it all. 'Cade was a strong mech and he could hold his own, granted he had one useless arm and was weak from so long of forced paralysis but he was a sneaky mech and I knew it! He wouldn't have been one of the first ones on Earth to search for the Allspark if he wasn't proficient in some form of stealth tactics. What was holding him back?_

_ Of course, a few hours of him either unconscious or just ignoring me left me to think through that query rather fully and finally it dawned on me._

_ A high voltage electrical charge running through his frame would kill me too..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**Heheh...and you thought I was going to answer questions with this one. ^_~ I know I know...I'm evil and I love it. So...yeah. Hoped you liked it.**


	33. Journal Entry 33

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~ So I'm not all that pleased with this chapter. I kinda feel like there are some things just not covered and I really couldn't figure out how to fix that without making it a: really long or b: too choppy, so, I hope it's not too bad for you to read. -_-***

**Also I've added a couple of term definitions here to clear up a few things I know might raise questions. (these terms are borrowed from other authors, my own terms will start appearing soon enough.)  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

*Term: Sparkshock ~ a situation where two bonded sparks are separated when one half of the bond is extinguished; usually through death.

Example 1: One mate of a bonded pair (ie-lovers) dies. The other mate will feel the pain of the others death physically and will eventually die from the loss.

Example 2: In the bond between twins (born of the same spark) should one die the other will feel his pain and suffer greatly from it, though the other twin may not die from it. This would be the same for any siblings and sparklings/creaters, etc. The survivor would always carry the pain of that loss.

The term 'sparkshock' belongs to Lady Tecuma, but the way it is defined/used here belongs to Litahatchee.

*Term: Carrying Hold ~ a space created during spark-mating between a mech and femme that is formed for the sole purpose of 'carrying' and supplying nutrition from a creator's spark to a sparkling. It is created in both mech and femme, making 'carrying' a shared task. This space never goes away, even after the 'carrying' is through. This is unlike 'carrying' in terms of a human female being pregnant. The sparkling is able to come and go from the hold as it pleases.

*Term: Carrying ~ the act of transporting and supplying nutrition to a sparkling within a 'Carrying Hold' until it is of age to no longer need this type of care from its creators.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; negotiations_

_ He wouldn't let me out. He wouldn't try to escape. He wouldn't give the Decepticons what they wanted...He was far stronger then I was._

_ It was getting pretty desperate. I wasn't sure how much more Barricade could handle, I could already hear his systems running at scary levels and the temperature of the metal that surrounded me was gradually rising, that pale blue light was starting to waver. That pale blue light...there was _something_ about that..._

_ And that's not even to bring up my own petty troubles; I was hungry and thirsty and every muscle in my body ached from being so cramped but I didn't dare complain about that. Compared to 'Cade? I had it good._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"'Cade?" Aurian stroked the metal around her softly. The interrogators had come and gone yet again and she was bothered by how still he was. There was a choking sound in his systems that reminded her of an engine that was becoming flooded and drowning in its own fuel. "You okay?"

His only answer was a growl. It's effect was completely lost with the pathetic whine of his intakes though.

"Gods, 'Cade...you've got to get out of here." She watched the fluttering blue light and knew that it was a terrible indicator of his physical situation. "I don't care what stupid reason you've got for thinking staying is better but you _have_ to go!" Aurian was careful to keep her voice quiet even though she tried to make her point clear. "If you die...damn it, 'Cade. If you're doing this to save me you're an idiot. If you die, I'll die too." She shuffled around again. There wasn't much room and she could hardly change her position but the small movements did relieve some of the cramps in her muscles for a few moments. "Please?"

"Even if that were the case..." Barricade's voice was rough, like it were being run through a synthesizer in an echo room...filled with water, "I could not escape."

"But..."

"My condition is too severe for that." He snapped, though anger didn't seem to be the prevailing emotion. In truth Barricade didn't hold much hope for himself, hadn't from the moment he had seen Sideways aiming his weapon at him, but he was holding out hoping that the Autobots might come for Aurian. Why was he keeping her safe? He didn't want to figure that out, it involved too many emotions he had refused to believe in for vorns. "Call your Autobot master and tell them to come extract you from my empty shell when they dump me in the scrap pile."

Aurian was speechless. She wanted to scream at him for giving up, wanted to scream that without him she didn't stand a chance, to tell him that _she_ wanted him to live. None of those words could push past the lump in her throat that pulsed with the guilt of knowing that what he said was probably far closer to what would happen then what she would ever admit.

'Aurian?' Sideswipe's usual call. She was feeling intense emotions and unlike him, she didn't know how to keep them to herself. 'Aurian, you're hurting. What's wrong?'

She replayed Barricade's last words in her head hoping that Sideswipe could hear them because she could not speak and even if she could she wouldn't be able to repeat them aloud.

'He's...' Sideswipe was shocked. Beyond shocked actually, 'He's really willing to..?'

Aurian couldn't keep in her despair at that point and she sobbed loudly.

"Human..." Barricade sighed. Humans really were far too emotional.

"'Cade, you can't!" She finally broke past the lump in her throat, though the words came out as horrid laments of grief.

"Control yourself." He felt like he was trying to sooth a distraught sparkling. "Screaming will not change anything."

"I won't let you!" She knew she could do _something_, she just had to figure out _how_.

"You have no option at this point." His systems sputtered painfully and he could not stop the groan that escaped his vocalizer.

"Damn it 'Cade! Let me out! I can do something to help you!"

"No."

"Now!"

"No."

"'Cade!" She screamed with all her anger and frustration...and regretted it.

"Is it just me," a familiar voice asked, "or did Barricade just scream like a fleshling?"

"I think our friend here has been keeping something from us."

There was an evil, soul stealing laughter that filled the air. Aurian could feel Barricade growing tense all around her and her whole body began to tremble. 'They're going to kill him...and then they're going to kill me...'

* * *

Several days had passed with all available hands attempting to salvage what they could from the devastated base. It had been a joyously somber moment when they had discovered a large group of the humans had actually survived by locking themselves in an underground bunker.

The government had made arrangements to secure a new location somewhere off of the southern coast of India, claiming that it would be far more difficult for the Decepticons to find the area and even if they did, at the very least collateral damage could be minimized. For the Autobots it meant both more freedom and at the same time, less. They could move about much easier with much less fear of accidental discovery yet they could not just leave base as they had previously been able to do.

This news was far more distressing to Sideswipe then to most of the others, considering that being exiled to this island base meant that he would be forced to wait until everything had been properly settled before they could begin searching for Aurian. And there was much to be settled.

Ratchet was thoroughly wrapped up in the mystery that was Jazz. He had been unable to attend to the mech's empty shell for several days before the mission; other things having taken priority, and last he had seen him he was still very much deactivated and needing some replacements. Jazz, for his part, could not say what happened. The last thing he remembered was Megatron and that was not a memory he wished to dwell on for very long.

Optimus found himself pulled in so many directions it was becoming difficult for even him to maintain his usual calm. He was pleased that Jazz had been miraculously returned to them yet at the same time was frustrated that they could not begin to put into motion a search for the missing human and the Decepticon that was, according to Sideswipe, protecting her somehow. As the leader of the Autobots and taking into consideration the interest of Cybertronian-Human relations he had to remember that, no matter how much they may dislike it, Aurian was only one among hundreds. On top of that he was dragged into meeting after meeting with the governments that held alliances over the island that was to be their new home.

Jolt found his time better used by attempting to head off any and all of Sideswipe's momentary lapses when he would simply revert to either destroying everything around him in a fit of absolute rage or in some cases, break down leaving the mech in absolute turmoil. He'd known Sideswipe for some time and had never known the mech to go through such violent mood swings even in the worst of times. His conclusion was that the bond to this human, however that was managed, was hazardous to his friend's health and as a medic it was his duty to remove health hazards.

"Just block out the human." Jolt advised after one particularly circuit wrenching break down. "We can't do anything right now anyway and you're just hurting yourself by allowing her to affect you."

Sideswipe could not stop the rage that bubbled up inside him. He recognized that much of his uncontrollable emotions had been overflow from Aurian, trapped wherever she was and unable to do anything else she was flooded with these emotions and he could hardly help but to act on them, however this new anger was all his own and he knew it. How _dare_ he? "Deny the bond?" Sideswipe growled dangerously, "_Deny_ it? I couldn't _deny_ it any better then I could deny my bond with Sunstreaker!"

"But it isn't the same as your bond with Sunstreaker. He is your twin, your brother by creation."

"And she is my sister!"

"She's alien! Sideswipe you're not processing clearly."

"And you're a glitch chipped half processor if you even _suggest_ that ever again." He spoke clearly to ensure that Jolt understood that it was not just his mental standings that would be in question should he pursue the idea of abandoning their connection again. As he turned to leave the young medic to consider his options, Sideswipe was struck by such a strong wave of fear he found his frame trembling from it. 'Aurian?' He called out nervously.

'Oh Gods! They've found me!'

'What about Barricade? I thought he was...'

'They're killing him! They're killing him! Oh Gods Sideswipe they're _killing _him!'

"Sideswipe?" Jolt dared come close to the frozen mech. His actions were every indication the the mech was about to fall into one of his destructive modes and Jolt knew he had to divert it before it began or they would have more trouble to deal with from the humans. "Calm down, let it pass."

"It's not going to pass, Jolt. They found her."

* * *

Aurian trembled in her hiding spot. The Decepticons had been ruthless, tearing into Barricade's frame searching for her but they had no idea where to look. In absolute desperation on both Barricade and Aurian's part she had found herself released from the little 'pocket' she had been hiding in while the other mechs had been distracted and she had scrambled for cover in the only place she had been able to find; underneath the examination table they were tearing Barricade apart on. So she had heard his outraged and anguished screams, watched the energon endlessly flowing, saw parts discarded like so much trash.

Hand firmly clutched over her mouth to prevent her from screaming endlessly at the horrors she was witness to, Aurian desperately wrapped the other around herself feeling as though she might fall apart if she could not physically hold herself together. She didn't dare try to move, not even an inch, until the small room they had dragged Barricade into for the 'extraction' was silent for hours. They had apparently gone back to the cell to search for her there.

Careful to avoid the pools of energon Aurian slipped from her hiding place and crawled up onto the table beside Barricade's destroyed frame. Only the lump in her throat stopped the wail of grief that threatened to wreck the silence.

She could see the place she had hidden all this time, now laid open for all to see. It was a small compartment in his chest armor right next to his spark chamber, a place Aurian knew shouldn't exist. 'A carrying hold?' She thought to herself. All the implications bringing nothing but further sorrow to her but she firmly pushed those away once she saw the pale blue glow struggling to maintain just beyond that space she had been tucked into. "Hold on 'Cade." She couldn't be weak now, later, but not now.

Barricade, for all the pain and energon loss he had suffered, somehow managed to remain online. When the human woman appeared next to him he had wanted to tell her to run, to get out of here before they came back but he knew that she wouldn't...and secretly he was thankful. He watched as she, tentatively at first and then more confidently started working around him. She was careful to avoid the places where energon had collected.

"'Cade, I need you to work with me here. I know you're in a lot of pain and I can't do a whole lot about that but we're getting the Hell out of here and I need to know what you need so we can do that." She spoke almost in monotone as she surveyed the work she had managed to accomplish. Next was going to be the tricky task of trying to tie off the energon lines without getting herself soaked in the process...not looking very likely at this point.

"F-ooo-li..."

"Yeah, yeah, foolish human, whatever. You can insult me later. Now, either tell me what I'm doing or I'm likely to accidentally wire your radar to your aft."

Barricade was silent for a while. Partially because it was so incredibly difficult to coax his vocalizer into functioning and partially because he could not believe how quickly the woman had changed from complete fear and horror to sarcastic and down-to-business. "Wea-aap..."

"Weapons. Got it." She examined the devices she knew would normally shift to form the mech's weapons, they had been the first thing the Decepticons had torn out. "Okay...lots to do. What else?"

"Sss-sseen-sor..."

"Sensors, right. Then what?" Even as she spoke Aurian was busy collecting the items she thought she would need, scavenging from the surrounding machines as she went. She worked on the still leaking energon lines as she plotted out her next project and was quite pleased that the more she stemmed the flow the more coherent Barricade seemed to become. A certain amount of caution had prevented her from becoming coated in energon, though she was sure that she was not to come away completely untainted. 'Ratchet will just have to deal. Or I guess if he's pissed enough he might just let it go...'

"That...should be...enough." It was a struggle but he had to admit that whatever this human woman was doing was helping at least some.

Aurian felt doubtful but was not going to argue at this point. She had plenty to try and rush through before the Decepticons got fed up with searching for her in places she wouldn't be found and came back to finish what they had began with Barricade. Their time was very limited.

'What's going on?' Sideswipe questioned, a sense of urgency following the thought.

"Not now Sides. I'm really busy." She sent along thoughts of appreciation for him just being there for her. She could feel his guilt for not coming for her, though she understood there were reasons, priorities. "'Cade? Will you be able to tell if they're coming back?"

"Possibly."

"Okay. I'm gonna do this as fast as I can."

"You should leave. It is pointless to...try and repair..."

"Shut up. I can't even reach the damn release button for the door. I can't go anywhere without you..." She shoved some displaced machinery back into place with painful force, "Besides, I won't leave you." The room fell into an awkward silence, the only sound coming from grinding gears as Aurian forced things back into place. It was hard work and she was sweating with the effort but she found strength in knowing that if she didn't succeed, they were both dead. "Hows that?" She asked after slamming the last of the torn equipment back into place. It wasn't pretty by far but she hoped at the very least it would function.

"Sloppy...but acceptable."

"Good. Now...can you move?"

That was a question Barricade was afraid to find out the answer to. His entire frame screamed of pain and he had lost a lot of energon, was still losing energon, not to mention a large amount of other vital fluids. With a groan he could not suppress he pushed himself off of the examination table. It was rough and his legs were shaky but he managed to stabilize himself. "I will not last very long." He admitted. Warnings were flashing for almost everything and he could feel the weakness throughout his body.

"Well, then I guess we'd better make this quick." Aurian jumped onto the mech from the table, being careful to avoid his most damaged parts and planted herself on his shoulder. "Go."

His first steps were questionable but the more he moved the easier it got. Barricade slipped past the door that the other mechs had not seen fit to lock thinking that Barricade would be unable to move. If not for Aurian, they would have been correct.

Slowly he drifted down the hallways, the silence that prevailed was near defining to Aurian as she strained to hear _anything_. Barricade had his sensors as focused as he could get them in their current condition. To say the next several minutes were tense would be to call a hurricane a gentile breeze or an earthquake nothing more then a sigh.

They managed to evade the few Decepticons that were stationed at this base fairly easily. They did not expect there to be any escape attempts and so were not as alert as they should have been and Aurian couldn't help but to think that that had always been the Decepticon's biggest flaw; they always underestimated their opponents.

However, their luck could not remain so good.

"Futile attempts for something unattainable. Why do you bother?" The voice echoed through the hallway, the tone unsurprised and uninterested.

Barricade spun to face the mech that had spotted them to find him leaning against the wall buffing the armor on his arm. "Dead End." He stated flatly. "There's no need for you to get involved."

"No, there really is not." The mech agreed, shrugging even as he pushed away from the wall. "It does not matter to me whether you live or die."

"Then what are your intentions?" Barricade knew Dead End to be an under motivated warrior to say the very least. If he was here, there was something behind it.

"To retrieve the human."

"Why?" Barricade began the process of accessing his weapons. This was not going to end well.

"Because it is a powerful tool and Starscream wants it."

"And you follow Starscream now?"

"I have nothing better to do." Dead End turned to face Barricade, a look of disinterest on his face. "Just hand over the fleshling. I have no concern for you."

Aurian shifted uncomfortably in her precarious position. If Barricade fought this mech, she would be in danger. Of course, he could just hand her over...he was a Decepticon after all. For the first time since his original attack on her she found that she was not sure of the mech, even after everything he had gone through. Perhaps it was _because_ of everything he had gone through, undoubtedly he'd like to be rid of the human that caused him so much pain.

"No." Barricade raised his gun, prepared to shoot but Dead End was faster.

"'Cade!" Aurian cried out as she watched the pieces of his weapon disintegrate beneath the blast from Dead End's own.

The offending mech was on top of him in an instant, movements so swift Aurian couldn't even tell what he was doing until Barricade stumbled away, unsteady on his already weak legs. They fell together, Aurian clinging to Barricade's armor so that she wouldn't be thrown. His systems cried out with the effort of remaining online and Aurian knew there was only one thing to do.

Even as Dead End came forward again Aurian moved to stand on top of Barricade's prone form. "Take me! Just don't kill him!"

Dead End paused to consider the woman and then the mech beyond her. It appeared that the enemy had been subdued and the prize was now his to gather. "Very well." His weapon folded away as he reached for the woman.

Aurian closed her eyes, her whole body trembling. "'Cade, get out of here."

"Like Pit." Moving faster then Aurian thought possible for the damaged mech he pulled her safely away from Dead End's grasp, his secondary weapon springing to life and releasing its hastily gathered charge directly in his face.

Aurian only distantly became aware of alarms warbling to life. She was far too busy being stunned by what had just happened. She was wrapped protectively against Barricade's damaged chest plating by his now weaponless arm.

'What the _slag_ is all _this_?' Came a rather angered thought. Aurian had to focus on the thought, it wasn't Sideswipe's. 'It's slaggin' _cold_ here! What Pit forsaken reason did you bring me _here_ for?'

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued;_ give me a break_

_ Okay. So this is how it stood:_

_ Barricade: Injured badly, not sure how much longer he can go on._

_ Decepticons: Now aware that Barricade and I were attempting to escape._

_ Autobots: Unable to come to our aid._

_ Me: Mysterious new voice in my head...not sure if this is a good thing._

_ Game on._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**Okay, so I'm only kind of sorry for this cliffhanger. It wasn't intentional, I swear! LOL. ^_^**


	34. Journal Entry 34

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; struggle_

_ Barricade was an artist. He knew how to avoid like none other I've ever seen...not that I've really seen anyone practice the skill myself...but the point is he was good. Even injured like he was we were ducking 'Con's at every corner. It really made me wonder how Dead End had gotten the drop on him._

_ Of course at the time I really didn't have much brain power left for thinking about such things. I had a new voice in my head I had to figure out._

_ Damn. These 'Con's were not as dumb as I hoped for. They were blocking the exits like pros. We needed a distraction..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"Who are you?" Aurian asked cautiously. It wasn't as though anyone might hear her voice over the sirens now blaring angrily throughout the compound, which she was coming to realize had also been carved into the Earth, though _where_ was still a mystery to Aurian.

'What the slag do you mean 'who am _I_'? Who are _you_?'

"Sunny?" Silent rage washed over her and all at once Aurian had hope...and a good amount of fear too. "Listen, I don't have a whole lot of time to explain anything but I'm in a Decepticon stronghold and we need help getting out. Will you please, please help us?"

'Why would I help _you?_ I don't even know who you are.'

"Because your an Autobot and it's the right thing to do," she knew it would be a brutal bargaining chip but an effective one, "and I know where Sideswipe is."

'You WHAT?' The voice roared in pure outrage.

"Yeah, come be pissed off at me in person cause yelling at me like this is just going to give me a headache. Do you want to find Sides or not?" Aurian could hear that the Decepticons had narrowed their search, time was running out. "'Cade? How you doin'?"

The mech was trembling with the effort to just remain upright. "Will your masters be coming for you or not?" He demanded angrily.

"First of all, they're not my 'masters' so quit saying that and second of all if they're coming for me they're coming for you too."

Barricade grunted his disapproval but otherwise did not comment further.

'You had better not be making this slag up.' Finally the rather put off voice answered. 'I can see the compound.'

"That's great." Aurian felt Barricade go stiff and realized she had missed something, "Um...can you make it quick?" She could see the flickering energy gathering around something rather large held between two decent sized Decepticons behind them. "High voltage energy?"

"Yes." Barricade agreed dreadfully.

"Um..."

"Hold on." Throwing himself to the side at the very last second Barricade managed to avoid the brunt of the weapon's blast though surges still pulsed in his systems.

Aurian yelped angrily as electricity snapped at her, it was far from fatal but it still hurt. She stumbled away from Barricade, her body demanding she get away from the arcs of electricity that spiked off of him to snap at her.

'What the slag was that?' Further angered the voice echoed through Aurian's mind like a bullet.

"Damn it, Sunny! They're trying to kill us, what do you _think_ it was!"

'Aurian?' Sideswipe's concerned thoughts brushed her mind soothingly, after the harshness of the other voice it was a welcome relief, 'We can't get off base for a few hours yet...'

"It's alright Sides. We're working it out." She turned her attentions back to Barricade, he was struggling to get back up and the mechs with the weapon were repositioning themselves. "I hope." She added as her mind raced for anything at all that might save them at this very moment and drew nothing. Holding her breath Aurian just stared down the hall at the flickering energy, they would fire soon. What was she going to do?

"Wait you idiots, the human!" The call came too late as Aurian could hear the thunderous roar of electricity slicing through everything it came in contact with...or, she thought it had been too late.

Screams of outrage made Aurian realize she had closed her eyes. Daring to crack one open she could see the two mechs that had been holding the weapon were now down, clutching at painful though not mortal wounds. Her attention went directly to Barricade, hoping he had been the one to act swiftly enough to take down the Decepticons but was sorely disappointed to find the mech leaning hard against the wall, his gaze unfocused. Fearfully she turned back toward where the warning shout had come from and found herself looking at the rather large mech with the strange alt mode from the first battle Sideswipe had dragged her to and to what was scampering oh-so-eagerly down his frame...Scalpel.

'Aurian?' Sideswipe called again. She couldn't even put together enough thought to respond silently to his concern. Scalpel was there.

"Test subject has recovered I see! Very good, yes!" The tiny mech was quick, quicker then Aurian's frozen muscles.

'What the slag are you so geared up over?' The second voice demanded angrily. Still she could not respond.

'Talk to me!' Sideswipe ordered, it was almost the tone of an officer to a soldier and Aurian's subconscious knew he was trying to focus her mind so that she could at least respond...but she was far too frightened for that.

The tiny horror of her nightmares had reached her and was preparing to do _something_. Aurian did the only logical thing she could think of and kicked the little bastard like a football before turning to run. She couldn't be bothered by the two separate voices in her head that were both demanding answers now, mixing together to make one horrified and angered drum in her mind. She also could not be bothered by the fact that Barricade had called out to her. She had to get away and she had to do it now!

Suddenly there was a large metal wall blocking her way. No, it wasn't a wall, it was a leg! Aurian didn't even think as she latched onto the appendage and started grabbing at wires. Even in her panic she knew not to grab the energon cables and instead yanked minor functioning lines. It would be enough to slow the mech and that's all she cared about. Once she could feel the being she was attacking begin to sway she abandoned her efforts and ran again. Where was she going? It didn't matter because she could still hear _his_ voice calling out orders. "Keep it alive!"

After several uncalculated turns and scrambling down she wasn't sure how many nondescript hallways Aurian found herself captured again, this time between two dark metallic hands.

"Let go of me!" She shrieked. She was _not_ going to become a science experiment for that twisted little mech again!

"Human...please, control yourself."

Even as Aurian started searching for places to dig out wires the voice began to penetrate the fog of desperate fear, she knew that voice. "Let go!" She demanded.

"If you will silence yourself..."

There was logic to be had here, if she could only get her brain to stop spinning and get the other things that were not her own emotions or thoughts to just shut up for a minute... "Barricade." She spoke his name as though it were a life line offering her salvation.

"Yes." The mech uncurled his hands to allow the human within to see his face. "You are quick for a fleshling."

Aurian laughed. It was so out of place but she couldn't help herself. She had been so terrified she hadn't even thought about Barricade. Though her relief was very short lived.

Barricade had somehow managed to avoid all the mechs that had been gathered around them to pursue Aurian in her blind panic, however his condition had suffered for the effort. She could now see that energon leaked from his mouth and from one eye, had he taken on one of the mechs?

"'Cade..."

"Silence." The demand was soft and urgent. Aurian instantly shut herself knowing the warning by now not to be something he just _liked_ to say. Though she imagined he did get some measure of pleasure out of telling her to 'shut up'.

Sure enough, as she watched she could see the strange alt mode mech limping down the hall toward them, he obviously hadn't seen them yet. 'How are we going to get out of this?' There was no way the mech was going to miss the pitiful sounds of Barricade's systems struggling with the tasks he gave them, nor would it be likely the mech would miss the panicked gasps of air Aurian drew in trying to calm herself. 'We're not going to get out of this alive...' She finally admitted to herself.

Two totally different sensations washed over her; a panicked desire to protect and another that felt more like the answer to a challenge. She felt both defeated and hopeful at the very same moment but more then that she felt fear. There was another mech darting down the hallway toward them and she didn't even have to see him to know that Scalpel had not been put off by her attempt at pro sports.

"Vhere is it?" Scalpel questioned, his tone amused. Aurian distinctly thought he was playing a game.

"'Cade," she whispered so softly she could hardly hear herself, "he knows where we are."

Barricade sighed, he had assumed as much as well but what were they to do? They were trapped here with no escape. "They are trying to corner us."

"I don't think they really need to try." Aurian ran all their options through her mind. There weren't very many and she quickly decided on the only one that she thought might give them a chance... "Put me down."

The mech holding her jerked in surprise, "What for?" Though he could only think of one thing.

"If I run, they'll chase me. You can get out." She began squirming in his grip, if he would not put her down, she would simply climb down. "They won't kill me...at least not right away." She swallowed hard with the thought of what they _would _do to her. Images of Scalpel climbing over her, digging in her skin. Pain flashed through her chest at just the thought of what he would do.

"I will not allow that." He adjusted his grip on the wriggling human.

"Then what do you suggest we do 'Cade?" Tears were already streaming from her eyes, though she couldn't remember when that had started. "If they catch us, they're going to kill you and take me anyway. At least this way you can get out."

"And then what? I'm too damaged..."

"Get the others, bring them here and save me. That's what!" Her voice was raising. She was all too aware that their hunters were drawing too close and in just a few moments it would be too late for her desperate plan to work.

"Human..."

Anger raged through Aurian, though she wasn't sure if it was hers or someone else's at that time, she only knew that it was directed at Barricade. She reached out and grabbed the first thing she could find and pulled violently, a small piece of fractured metal coming away in her grip. "Down." She demanded.

Barricade hesitated, the action had not caused him much pain but her point was clear. "You are foolish." He stated one last time before depositing the woman on the ground. Something between outrage and respect filled him as he watched the obviously terrified human turn toward their pursuers and run, still clutching the broken sliver of his armor he noted. "Good luck..."

Aurian ran strait for Scalpel figuring that would be the last thing they would expect. Her heart raced painfully in her chest and her mind screamed at her that she was stupid for doing this but the images her conscious continued to play for her of everything Barricade had suffered through just to keep her from these deranged beings forced her on. She would not let him die. Not for her.

Leaping on the offending little mech, Aurian snatched up as many legs in her hands as she could and then continued running toward the second, much larger mech. She had to get him to follow her too or Barricade was doomed. "I'm going to rip you apart piece by piece you deranged little crustacean!" Unfortunately Scalpel had more legs than Aurian had capacity to restrain and it soon became a struggle for who had who and Aurian was unable to run any further, however she had managed to garner the attention of the other mech and had led him around a corner leaving Barricade free to make his escape.

Scalpel didn't seem disturbed at all by Aurian's efforts, as a matter of fact she was beginning to think he was rather enjoying the bout. "Quick, quick but not quick enough." The little mech laughed and Aurian then knew it was nothing more then him testing her reflexes. He was _playing_ with her even now.

She screamed with outrage and ripped at the legs in her grasp, some of them pulled free but it seemed there were always more scratching at her. Her mind quickly dissolved into desperation, fighting against the claws that dug into her, against the pain that shot through her arms and legs and she screamed. Endlessly she screamed.

* * *

Barricade watched the human go and felt regret. He had not felt regret in several vorns. This small, fragile fleshling was willing to face horrors unknown head on...for him? Why?

He watched as she boldly grabbed the very embodiment of her deepest fears and ran with him in hand, attempting to keep his rending appendages away from her all too soft flesh. He watched as the field medic easily sacrificed a few limbs to the woman, allowing her to fall into a rage that blinded her to what was truly happening, watched as the mech cut into her body, watched the blood begin to trickle. The mech had no intentions of killing the woman, simply immobilizing her. He watched as the woman drew the larger mech away from him, around a corner leaving him free to escape, her screams the only indication that the pursuit had been short lived. He was free... "Hardly."

* * *

Falling. She knew she was falling.

'They'll come for me.' She thought to herself. She knew that the Autobots would come for her eventually, as soon as they could even...but would it be soon enough? And what would become of Barricade when they did come? He had given so much to protect her and Sideswipe had seemed somewhat swayed on his opinion of the former Decepticon but...Sideswipe... 'Sides?' She called out silently for him. She wanted him to be there right now, to hold her and keep her safe.

'I hear you.' The thought was soft, gentile and comforting...almost mournful. 'We're coming Aurian.'

'I know.' Something was climbing on her, poking at her, laughing at her. 'Sorry I yelled at you before...'

'It's okay.' Still the thoughts wrapped around her like a blanket, trying to pull her in and away from the fears that shook her body, 'You can yell at me all you want, I don't care.' As long as you're there to yell at me; seemed to be fed to her, though there was no clear thought of it.

Glaring little red lights beamed at her, seeking something. "It has changed...something is different. Get it to zhe lab, right now!" Scalpel scampered off of her as another mech leaned down to retrieve her.

'Gods, Sides...I'm scared!'

'I know. It's okay, we're coming...we'll get you and they'll pay.' The thought was so vicious it almost had Aurian pulling away, 'They'll _all_ pay!'

Flitting images brought panic of a different type to her. 'Not 'Cade! Please, Sides promise you won't hurt him! He tried so hard...'

'He failed.'

'It's not his fault!' She fed him images of what she had seen after he had released her from his carrying hold, the horror she had felt at watching the mech being, essentially, eviscerated right before her eyes and he _still_ tried to protect her! 'Please...' Her plea was cut short as fire erupted all around her and she was falling again. It did not last long as she felt herself flung, gently, into some kind of nook and she was engulfed in darkness.

Yelling, explosions and vibrations were her only clues as to what was going on around her. She could feel her mind struggling to surface from the lost, fear drenched sensation of before and she found herself in pain. Pain was good. If she hurt it meant she could _feel_ which meant she was alive...

Pulling herself into a somewhat sitting position she could see that she was not actually in darkness as gaps of light penetrated her new hiding place.

'You're not giving up are you?' The voice from before, the one she was assuming was Sunstreker. 'Because I came a really long way and I won't be stood up like that.' There was a measure of amusement, some kind of ecstasy in the thoughts that were transferred to her from this new voice.

"Where are you?" She asked, her voice was so weak...

'Well, right now I'm busy blasting some 'Con's but I'd have to say from the feel of it, I'm not too far from you. Now, you wanna start explaining or should I just keep shooting?'

"I'll explain everything," her head was spinning, "I promise, just get us out of here."

'Get your aft in gear then! I'm not gonna hold the door open forever!'

Aurian struggled with her surroundings. Where was she and how was she going to get out? She could feel a faint pulling sensation and knew she needed to follow that...but she had to find Barricade first. She could only hope that... 'Wait...' She took a moment to really consider her surroundings. "Damn it 'Cade I told you to get out!"

"And I fully intend to." More explosions.

'Are you coming or what?'

"We've got some backup 'Cade...we need to get to him so we can get out of here."

"Lead the way." This remark was a bit snide but Aurian hardly paid that any mind.

Focusing on that faint tug she tapped on the metal closest to the sensation, "That way."

"How..."

"Is now really the time to ask?" She snapped, instantly she felt a waive of vertigo wash over her. "You're gonna have to go quick...I think I've lost too much blood." Aurian felt several harsh impacts and knew Barricade was struggling in a hand to hand brawl with someone. "'Cade, just run!"

There was a grunt of disapproval but it seemed that Barricade was complying as Aurian felt him turn and the force of forward movement. She quickly tapped on the metal surrounding her, leading Barricade towards their reluctant rescuer until she knew they must be there. All movement stopped very suddenly.

"You've got to be kidding me." Barricade groaned.

There was a response in Cybertronian and though she couldn't understand what the voice said, she heard it loud and clear in her head, 'What in the Pit?' She just knew there was a stand off going on just beyond the protective layers that blocked her view.

"Sunny?" She dared ask and again felt the promise of death wash over her. More Cybertronian, biting and very harsh, this time Aurian was given no clue as to what was said. As a matter of fact she could feel that the pull she had felt had stopped completely and that the presence had pulled away. "'Cade?"

"You didn't say it would be him."

"Is it a problem?"

"Well, it might be..." Barricade's tone was snide and sarcastic, "it all depends on if you consider that he intends to shoot me a problem."

"Sunny NO!" She screamed as loud as she could, seeking that presence she had associated with him. There was a spinning sensation in her head, like she had been swept up in a vortex and robbed of anything stable as Sideswipe's presence became so clear and vivid to her he might as well have been standing beside her. There was a sense of 'connection', like two halves fastening together and then a wash of so many different things that Aurian could not even put together a single coherent thought. Attempting to preserve its self, her mind chose to embrace darkness instead.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; middle man_

_ It was strange. It was like I was overseeing something I didn't belong watching yet I could not pull away from it. I could _feel_ their bond to one another. It was almost a tangible thing._

_ First there was disbelief, 'Why didn't I sense you?', 'Didn't you hear Optimus's message?', 'Where have you been?', 'I thought you were dead!'...and a thousand more._

_ Then there was joy and love, a sensation I could not even dream of explaining aside from saying that it was painfully strong and entirely consuming._

_ ...And then there was anger._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**A couple of things:**

**1: Why didn't Sides and Sunny feel eachother? ~ Aurian's presence caused confusion in the 'link' between the brothers. Sides was so focused on Aurian he didn't notice that the 'sometimes' feelings he got from her had become a constant presence. Sunny was confused because this 'forgien' link had Sides's presence written all over it...**

**2: How can Sunny understand Aurian when he doesn't know English? (This was a glaring question for myself even until I figured it out...lol!) The bond between them allows for an 'understanding' of eachother. Since they're not really 'speaking' per say to eachother then the language doesn't really matter. It's the 'thoughts' which, in a human mind would be human and in a Cybertronian mind would be Cybertronian. Make sense? I hope so...-_-***

**I'm sure there were other questions that came up due to this chapter...feel free to ask them. If it's something that I can explain without giving away more of the story, I will answer it happily. (for those of you who know how I like to answer questions...^_~ It's okay. I'll be strait forward if it doesn't have anything to do with my remaining plot line!**

**Thank you to everyone!!! I cannot even belive all the reviews! I'm so thrilled! I love hearing your thoughts and opinions and even the little corrections in spelling that pop up once in a while. I'm not a wonderful speller and I appreciate anyone who wants to make my work better by correcting it.  
**


	35. Journal Entry 35

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~Okay, please don't kill me. It's been...like...a week? Longer? Not entirely sure. I'm SO SORRY!!! I had a Pit of a time with this chapter. It was really difficult to work out and I'm still very unhappy with the results but I figured it wasn't going to get any better so I would go ahead with it. -_-* Once again this is unbetaed. I'm truly sorry for that as well. I sent it out two days ago, but no answer. I understand FORD! It's just 'that' time of year. So at any rate. Here it is. The next chapter is almost done so it shouldn't be as long in waiting. I hope. This whole part is really rough apparently. -_-***

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy!

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; you are...where?_

_ Not that I'm entirely sure how it came around to it but I seemed to remember there being a whole lot of talking, cussing and even a few threats before I found myself standing before a rather disgusted Sunstreaker._

_ The look on his face had been priceless when I had come crawling out of Barricade's carrying hold. Even better when he realized _I_ was the one he had 'sensed'. Almost think he'd rather it had been Barricade._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian was anything but stable but she would not stand down, couldn't stand down. Barricade was in trouble and she had to do something to help him until the others could get there, so she was trying to convince Sunstreaker to help her help him.

"Like Pit." He stated firmly, sneering at the little creature before him.

"Sunny..."

"Don't call me that!" The mech leaned close to the woman as he snarled the warning. He had told her several times already that if she valued her life she would not call him that but she insisted.

"Sorry, habit. If he doesn't get help he's going to die." She considered the struggling mech not too far from her. Shortly after they had made their escape and deemed that they had lost any pursuers, hiding away in a rather dense pine forest, Barricade had collapsed and had not been able to rise again.  
"And your point is?"

Aurian wondered briefly if Sunstreaker knew what 'die' meant, after all the mech had just downloaded the English language not even an hour ago. It had taken Optimus sending him a direct order to do so before he consented. "Deactivate. He'll deactivate." She corrected.

"Yeah?" He seemed to be expecting more.

"Damn it you're such an aft!" Aurian really wanted to punch the mech as hard as she could, even almost followed through with the thought but she suddenly found herself hanging upside down by her foot several feet in the air. "What the Hell!?"

"What is this?" Sunstreaker considered a tear in the creatures covering where a familiar image had peaked through. "You're aligned with the Autobots?"

Aurian went limp for a second, "Oh, that." A mischievous smile crept onto her face, "You might say that."

Sunstreaker drew the woman up further so that he could look at her face closer, never mind that she was upside down. "You don't look like an Autobot." His gaze shifted once again to look over this thing he held so offensively by one of its small appendages.

"And you don't act like an Autobot. What's your point?" She waived her hands slightly with her frustration.

Capturing one of the flailing arms Sunstreaker examined a mark on this creature's palm. "Where did you get this?" He asked accusingly.

Aurian tried to pull her hand away to see what he was talking about. There was a burn mark on that hand from where she had touched Sideswipe when he had first crashed to Earth, something she had barely even thought about since it had quit hurting. "Sideswipe." She stated flatly. It really was getting annoying dealing with all of Sunstreaker's demanding questions and lack of response to what she asked of him. "We don't have time for this, please..."

"Hmph." Uninterested in what the woman would say, again, Sunstreaker dropped her a few feet from the ground and turned to walk away examining his hand as though it might have become contaminated. "I'm not helping a 'Con."

Aurian lay where she landed for a moment, her body agreeing with the less demanding position. She was fighting nausea and dizziness constantly, she felt weak and shaky and she hurt. Nothing about this was good.

A sputtering sound encouraged her to roll over to examine the object of her current concerns. Barricade's intakes were drowning in his own fluids. With a groan and every muscle in her body thoroughly protesting she pushed herself to her hands and knees. "'Cade? You still with me?"

The mech did not answer directly but a faint twitch was enough for Aurian to know he was still alive and conscious. "Sideswipe?" She sought out his familiar presence in her mind, maybe he could get to Ratchet and they could help her do what she needed to do to save him. "Sides?" Silence. Fear began to rise inside her, why wasn't he answering? Now that Sunstreaker was here was the bond broken? "Please..?" She begged. Still nothing.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath Aurian forced herself to take control, pushing all her emotions away. It didn't matter that at this very moment she felt abandoned, or that she was scared for her own life, or that she had _no_ idea where she was. What mattered was that she was the only one there who could help Barricade. "Fine." She told herself bravely. She could do this... 'I hope.' She added, noting that she had been 'hoping' a lot lately.

Regaining her feet had been a challenge but one that she had refused to fail at. Stumbling ungracefully over the distance between her and Barricade she looked over his frame once more. "Where to begin?" If his intakes were filling with fluids then she needed to get the fluid out...right? She looked around until she located what she was assuming to be where the current problem was located, purely by the sound of it, and tried to assess what she would have to do. It was clear from the sounds that fluid was dumping into the area but she could see no way to get it out. "I'm going to have to cut it..." she spoke out loud but it was to herself, "with what?" Silently she told herself that from now on she would keep a knife on her at _all_ times, no matter what.

Scrambling over Barricade's trembling frame she searched for something, anything at all, when she remembered that she had pulled some of Scalpels razor like legs off...if she'd held onto them they'd be in his carrying hold. "Not a good place to leave things laying around." She realized. Inside the damaged space she found two of Scalpel's dismembered legs and the fragment of Barricade's own armor she had ripped off him. "Someone would think I had a bad temper."

With her crude tools in hand she returned to the sight of the problem. "'Cade? I don't know for sure, but I think this is probably gonna hurt..." she patted the surface where she was intending to make the cut gently before choosing one of the legs she had acquired to do the duty. "Here it goes." With what force she could muster she brought the dismembered appendage down. Several things happened all at once; One: Aurian was stunned by how easily the little leg cut through Barricade's 'skin', Two: the vile little thing sliced through her own hand twice as easily, Three: Barricade screamed in agony, and Four: compressed air forced the liquid within the hold out in a violent spray of mixed fluids, covering Aurian.

"Human..." Barricade gasped, "what...have...you...done?"

Aurian struggled in the slop that had once been solid ground beneath her, spitting out the fluid that had sprayed into her mouth, "I don't know," she gagged violently, "I was just trying to help!"

* * *

"Sideswipe?" Optimus was concerned. The young warrior mech had alerted them not long ago that Sunstreaker, not only was near but had landed on Earth near Aurian's location. He had then remained in a semi aware state for several breems while he reconnected to his lost twin but once that was through, much to everyone astonishment, he had been livid instead of joyous.

"He _left_ them!" Sideswipe snarled angrily. 'Sunstreaker your being stupid! Go back and _help_ them!'

'No.' Sunstreaker was anything but pleased with his brother's demands. 'That's a 'Con and if that...what are they called? Humans? If that _human_ wants to help him she's no ally of ours.'

'Slag it Sunny!'

'Don't you start that.'

'You don't understand the circumstances!'

'Sideswipe...when was the last time you saw the Hatchet? I think you're overdue.'

Sideswipe roared in his frustration. He understood what Sunstreaker was thinking and not even earlier this same morning would he have disagreed, however Aurian had shown him what the Decepticon had sacrificed for her. He was not yet ready to call the mech an ally but he wasn't prepared to dismiss him as a casualty of the situation either.

::Sunstreaker, the human is an ally and is to be protected.:: Optimus sent the transmission with top priority, it was not to be ignored. ::Decepticon Barricade is considered under our care as a prisoner and must be recovered. Is this understood?::

::Is everyone insane on this planet?:: Sunstreaker sounded put out by it all.

::Comply.::

Sunstreaker sent a barrage of sounds all indicating his utter disdain, ::Orders received. Tell Sideswipe I hope he's satisfied.::

::Sunstreaker, there is more to this then you yet know. Do your best to protect the human and Barricade until we arrive, you will be debriefed as soon as we return to base. Perhaps then you will understand.::

::Understand?:: The young mech scoffed, ::Whats to understand? My brother's got his processor twisted and found himself a pet _alien_! It doesn't take a scientist to figure that out.::

::'Pet' is not the description I would choose.::

::Of course you wouldn't.::

Optimus noted to himself that he would have to discuss Sunstreaker's attitude. The young twin had been absent from his leadership for quite some time and it was apparent. He could just feel his possessor struggle under the weight of how much trouble the reunited twins would be, Sideswipe had been difficult enough.

* * *

Sunstreaker was not as angry as he was confused by all this. He had been drawn to this odd little planet by some strange yet familiar force only to find that his twin was here. Not just his twin but also Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots among others! 'How did I not sense Sideswipe?' This above everything bothered him.

The entire time that they had been separated he had tried to reach out to his twin, seeking him in the vastness that was space to no avail. It was painful, lonely and more then that had left him worried that perhaps his brother had not survived the 'Con's underhanded attack.

Then had come something, a tickling softness that at first he thought was insanity creeping into his wiring. His attempts to repair the malfunction had turned out results of 'no malfunction found' and the sensation had continued to persist, growing into a throbbing feeling that made his spark leap with hope.

Reaching out toward whatever it was that was touching him only to find fear and pain, he was afraid that it was Sideswipe and had delved into the feeling prepared to reinforce his twin's spark only to find something he had never seen before. Something he didn't even know what to call or how to describe other then it was not Sideswipe, yet it had the sense of his brother about it.

The sensation had faded only to return again some time later, stronger and filled with such pain he felt it as clearly as if it had been his own! It was so horrid as he saw a small mech that he _knew _to be a Decepticon climbing all over another creature...dissecting it. The creature had begged him for help and he had responded by pulling it away from this scene, though how he couldn't really say. He just reached out with his spark and drew the...presence of this other creature to him and it had been so thankful. Again it faded but this time returned very shortly in a more 'physical' sense. It was a distorted presence that pulled and tugged at him promising him that he would not regret following it..and he had despite his processor telling him he was acting foolishly and he needed to keep looking for Sideswipe yet his spark, his very _spark_, had urged him to follow.

So he had arrived on this, so far cold, little planet only to find the 'creature' from before was trapped in a Decepticon base and was begging him to help. Not that he didn't enjoy the opportunity to destroy some Decepticons after what they had done to his brother but it seemed odd to be running to the rescue of someone he did not know...even if this creature had known who he was.

Then, much to his absolute distress the feeling that had drawn him here had come racing around a corner in the form of a Decepticon! A 'Con! 'Barricade of all 'Cons.' He growled to himself angrily.

He had every intention of shooting the 'Con and being done with it until he had heard that desperate cry, something that now he knew had been the creature calling out his name, demanding he not shoot, and then had been washed away as suddenly he sensed Sideswipe fully and clearly. His brother had been here and he had not sensed him!

Once the truth of it all had been revealed to him he had been relieved, for all of a klik. 'That thing was _inside_ him.' He felt his tanks churn with disgust. The tiny creature that he had seen before had crawled out of Barricade's carrying hold, 'when did he have a sparkling?', covered in some kind of red chemical that repulsed him immensely. 'Maybe a 'Con wouldn't have been so bad.' He had thought, still thought.

The feelings his twin had for this 'human' were disturbing to him. There was a fierce dedication and desire to protect that he had only previously sensed when he had been concerned. He wasn't jealous per say. It was nice to know that, during his absence, his brother had found someone important to him... 'but an _alien_?' More bothersome then any of it was the connection that he seemed to hold so dearly to this human, it was a bond and _that_ he did not like. 'How the slag did he do _that_?' He questioned for the upteenth time. It wasn't possible! Yet he himself could _feel_ the bond. 'When I find that little..._thing_...I'm going to get answers.' He told himself firmly as he trudged back to where he had left the human and Barricade. If it weren't for Optimus's orders he would not even consider going back.

A wave of pain and fear washed through him, it wasn't the human because he had blocked that connection. 'Sideswipe?'

'Find her, Sunstreaker!'

'What's going on?' Despite his own distaste for the creature, his brothers pure panic was driving and before he knew it his feet had picked up a quick clip.

'They're still looking for them...I think they might have found them!'

Sunstreaker reluctantly opened the bond with the human, if whatever she was sending Sideswipe was distressing his twin so badly, he would know of it himself and dispose of it. The amount of pain he felt caused his steps to falter and for him to almost succumb to gravity. The human was suffering pain and a fear he could not even compare. 'What is it?' He demanded angrily.

'Energon! Scalpel! Barricade!' She was shrieking through the bond with disturbing intensity. 'Scalpel! Scalpel! Scalpel!' Images flashed through his processor of the small mech he had seen all that time ago crawling over a creature, this human he realized, dissecting her while she was alive and aware.

His speed peaked as he slid into the clearing he had left the two in to find that two Decepticons were dragging away a miserable looking Barricade, he was obviously struggling with them but did not have the energy to be of any inconvenience to them.

A third Decepticon was struggling with something, shouting and cursing at every move. Sunstreaker could see glimpses of a much smaller mech scampering over the larger 'Con, laughing. "Not forever, no! You cannot hold out forever human...and zen ve vill have you once more. Zis time I vill have your core for closer study!" The tiny mech cackled.

He could feel the panic, the fear coming from the human and he caught a glimpse of her reaching through the larger 'Con's armor, tearing out wiring as she desperately tried to avoid the smaller mech chasing her.

In any other situation he might have been amused.

Quickly scanning for any further enemies Sunstreaker worked out the best plan of action. If he was going to recover both the human and the 'Con, 'why am I even considering saving a slaggin' 'Con?' he would have to take out the two dragging away Barricade first and then tend to the human's attackers.

With his infamous intensity and daring Sunstreaker blew through the clearing. Using Barricade as his own personal launching pad he spun through the air, his feet connecting with the heads of the two Decepticons holding him captive. He didn't even pause to consider the mech he had just bounced off of as he turned to his next target. The two Decepticons had yet to hit the ground but that hardly mattered. He knew he had delivered them a harsh enough blow to take them out of the fight, at least temporarily.

What greeted him upon refocusing was beyond him. The large mech was down, arcs of energy washing over him from his own systems as they attempted to deliver messages to unmoving parts. 'That little human did that?' His processor was only stunned for a moment before he realized that he did not see said human. 'Where are you?' He ordered over the bond between him and the little creature that he now held some measure of respect for.

'Run! Run! Run!' The word just kept repeating back to him though he could sense the human was growing weak and the cry almost a sob.

'Where are you?' He demanded again only to continue receiving the same word.

Then, 'Sideswipe!' She called out fearfully for his twin, a desire to be saved, a longing he was all too familiar with and...an apology? And Sideswipe's reply to that call, no words only emotion; anger, fear, helplessness and a plea.

None of it made sense to Sunstreaker. He was well accustomed to his brother's feelings and their intensity but to have them directed toward something else was just so odd! And the fact that this human had feelings just as intense, if not more so, toward his twin was awkward.

'If this human is that important to you,' Sunstreaker sent the thought along with promises that he would follow through to both his distraught twin and the fearful human. He was not entirely surprised by the sensations of pure appreciation from his twin, however the instant relief that someone was at least _trying_ to help that came from the human was astounding. It seemed she held no hope for actually being saved but she was eased that someone was trying. 'Try my aft. You'll live human, you've got too many questions to answer.'

Following the sensation of the panicked human he found the woman soon enough, the tiny mech, Scalpel, was dragging her limp form through the denser vegetation. "Got'cha." He could not stop the grin that spread across his face just looking at the tiny mech's features race through an uncountable number of emotions ranging from rage to fear.

Sunstreaker could not fire his weapon without damaging the human that the smaller mech still clung to, however it seemed that the threat was good enough as Scalpel considered his situation and deemed it a loss, abandoning his prize for another time. Living, apparently, was far more important to him.

Of course Sunstreaker did not let the mech scamper away unaccosted, he fired a few shots for good measure. In a normal situation he would not have hesitated to chase down the insignificant mech, however the horrible sounds the human near his feet was making demanded his attention.

::Optimus, Sir?:: He questioned not for a second daring to let his twin know what he was seeing, ::These humans don't leak energon, do they?::

::No.:: He could hear the stress levels in Optimus's voice rising immensely, ::Why?::

::It seems this one is expelling a large amount of it.::

* * *

**Yep. I did end it there. ^_^***

**So...questions I'm sure you're thinking that I'll go ahead and just answer because it's easier then waiting the...um...several chapters before it might be explained properly.**

**1) Q: Why didn't Sideswipe answer Aurian? A: He was too busy fighting with Sunstreaker at the time to realize she had tried to contact him. It's not so much that her connection is weaker, though maybe it is, but more that Sunstreaker is 'loud' when arguing. ^_~;**

**2) Q: What happened when Aurian stabbed Barricade? A: Badness. Very badness. I was working off of the idea that if a lung is filling with fluid you generally need to remove said fluids or the person will drown; however in this situation: Highly compressed air used for various reasons in a mech is suddenly released through a small opening...yep, bad. Not to mention that that means that Barricade is losing that pressure...-_-***

**3) Q: Is Barricade going to die? A: Probably not. ^_~ (No)**

**4) Q: Where are they? A: I tried so hard to work that into this and just couldn't find a place for it. They're in Oregon. Way north, in the hills and it's so fraggin cold because it's winter. -_-* That was a huge chunk that I just couldn't work in and make it not just feel like a mudball slammed in there and smeared around.**

**Any more? If so feel free to ask and I will happily answer (as long as it doesn't give away any of my plotline of course!)**

**And if you see spelling errors or something else like that, go ahead and let me know because I like to fix my mistakes. Thank you everyone!!! Almost 500 reviews...I'm floored. The last chapter alone had 20 (last I counted) and that's just astounding to me. I never imagined any of my stories would gain this kind of interest. You are all SO WONDERFUL!!**

**Also, all of you non logged in reviewers: I love your reviews, and I love to respond to reviews. ^_^; So this is your responce! YOU'RE WONDERFUL!  
**


	36. Journal Entry 36

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~So added another Beta reader to the team! Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My updates might start to lag a little but that is only because Eowyn77 has some awesome and wonderful tips that will help me make this story that much better! Hopefully you all agree. This is by no means me saying that FORD B. is not a wonderful Beta because he has been fantastic and will continue to be so!**

**Fair warning, this chapter is...different. ^_^ Both Beta's enjoyed it so I hope you all do too!  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Hot showers are awesome. Especially when you feel so dirty that you're not even sure you have skin beneath all the grime and your muscles ache like you've just completed a triathlon in record time._

_ I let the water wash over me, washing away everything but something was bothering me. I couldn't remember actually getting into the shower. How had I gotten so filthy? Why did I hurt so bad? I must have stayed up way too late last night...that's why I couldn't remember. What time was it anyway?_

_ Reveling in the cleansing shower, I tried to remember what had happened. I was way too sore for just a simple explanation like a hard work out but I really couldn't remember what I had done. Oh well, I would remember soon enough. Dismissing the pain for the pleasure that was hot water raining down on me I got the sneaking suspicion that it was something I wasn't going to enjoy remembering._

_ Stepping out of the shower I sought out my towel.__ I always left it sitting somewhere nearby, yep, there it was on the sink. What a strange color it was though, I thought all my towels were green but this one was blue. Bright blue. Hmm...strange. And had I left the TV on again? Peeking out the open door of my bathroom I could just see past the walls into the living room. I had been watching a movie apparently, something familiar. I could hear the voices bouncing off the walls down the hallway to me...it was a fight scene._

_ Drying off and wrapping a robe around me I meandered down the hall, only slightly intrigued by the sounds of the movie; it was probably something I had seen before because the voices sounded familiar so it wasn't so important. What was important however was food. My stomach hurt badly and I was pretty sure I was hungry._

_ In the kitchen with my head firmly buried in the refrigerator I thought I heard a strange noise, kind of a whirring, or a clicking noise. It was so weird and at the same time it made my heart skip a little with happiness. I liked this noise. Somehow it was familiar, comforting. So with a big smile I pulled some leftovers out of the fridge and set about making me a leftover sandwich, my personal favorite, and started humming a song to myself. I couldn't remember all the words but I know it had something to do with fireflies and dancing._

_ "Bee, I want to talk to you about the collage thing..." came from the TV drawing my attention for a moment. Transformers? Huh, not surprising, it was one of my favorite movies. Oh Hell! Wasn't I supposed to be at work?__I checked the clock that hung on the wall in my living room, twelve seventeen. Hmm...maybe I had gone to lunch? And showered? I wonder if I blew something up at the lab again or maybe I electrocuted myself, that would explain a lot...I sighed with the thought. I really needed to be more careful of such things, a human body can only take so much._

_ Looking around I found my laptop bag, quickly snatched it up in my free hand and headed to my love seat to make myself comfortable. Maybe I'd have an e-mail from work that would make things a little clearer. The upper management usually liked to send me a nice little demeaning note any time I messed up real bad and had to be sent home or to the hospital. Apparently they didn't like things that blew up unexpectedly or their employees trying to do impressions of a 'Lite Bright'._

_ A message popped up immediately once Ruby had rebooted, 'Are you okay?'. Huh, my messenger didn't usually start up right away. It must be Roger._

_ 'I'm fine, what happened?' I typed back. 'I can't remember.'_

_ 'It's going to be alright, just hang on,' came back._

_ "What?" I asked aloud. 'Hang on to what? What happened?'_

_ No response._

_ "...this is that awkward moment..." caught my attention. I looked up to see the familiar character of Sam Witwicky holding a box facing another young man in a small room. I didn't remember that in the movie...this had to be something else that Shia LaBeouf had played in. I wasn't all that interested._

_ 'Roddi, what's going on?' I typed quickly, it bothered me that he wasn't responding._

_ Still nothing. Fine. If he wasn't going to chat with me, I wasn't going to bother. I set Ruby down on my coffee table and left the computer. I needed to get dressed anyway._

_ In my room I noticed a strange amount of disarray. I wasn't really a neat freak so to speak but I generally didn't leave things just laying around like this. 'What in the world is going on here?' I picked up some of the cloths and noticed their horrid condition, they were torn and stained. I stared at the stains. There was definitely blood there but there was also something blue - it almost glowed in its intensity. 'What the Hell is that?' I rubbed my thumb over the stain which drew my attention to my hand, it was covered in strange marks. Why hadn't I noticed them before? From the look of it they were burn scars but they had a strange pattern about them, almost like spiderwebs. I threw the cloth in my hands away from me; I just couldn't figure this out! What the Hell had happened that I had..three...yeah, three sets of clothes completely destroyed and covered with these strange stains? And where did these burn marks come from? They'd been there a while because they were mostly healed._

_ I knew Roger had to know something so I'd stormed back into the living room, still in my robe,__and snatched up Ruby as I plopped back down on the love seat. Looking at the screen I saw several different message windows, all with the same text in them... 'Just hold on...'_

_ If Roger had been the one messaging me in the first window, who were all these? I looked at each window for the sender ID, but there were just strange symbols there instead and I didn't know any of them. There were five of these windows and as I closed each one a new one popped up to replace it with some form of similar message in it, 'Don't let go.', 'You're going to be alright.', 'Hold on a little bit longer.', 'We have you now.' Okay, the last one creeped me out _ a lot_ to say the least._

_ 'Who is this?' I typed back, not really wanting to know who was sending me the stalker-like__message._

_ 'Aurian?'_

_ 'Who else? Who are you?'_

_ 'How are you speaking with me?'_

_ What the Hell? 'Same way you're talking to me? Messengers work both ways. WHO IS THIS?'_

_ 'Ironhide.'_

_ "What?" I looked at the response for a long time, my brain going through all the people I knew wondering who went by that name. As I considered this the other windows went ballistic with messages, all demanding if I could 'hear' them._

_ Gently, I set Ruby down. I thought at that very moment I was losing my mind._

_ "...You recognize me, don't you boy?" Oh, that voice sent chills down my spine and snapped my eyes back to the TV. Megatron. This _was_ Transformers...but it wasn't. I'd never seen this scene before._

_ "You're pissed. I get that, I would be too if someone tried to kill me..." My eyes were glued as I watched the show, this was undeniably a Transformers movie but it_ wasn't_ the movie I had watched and memorized. I watched helplessly as Megatron flung Sam through the air to land on some cement table and then pinned him there._

_ "Doctor, please examine the specimen." Okay, so to say the tiny little hairs all over my body were standing on edge would be a dramatic understatement. I had never seen Scalpel in his alt mode but the_ second_ I saw that little microscope begin to transform I _knew_ who he was and I started screaming. I threw anything I could get my hands on at the TV demanding that the little beast leave Sam alone! That he keep his creepy little claws to himself! All for nothing of course because it was a movie and it just kept playing as if I had no affect on it what-so-ever because...well, it was a movie._

_ So instead, since I was out of ammo now and had no faith in my shaking limbs to be able to move, I watched in horror as the movie continued to play. It seemed to skip around at some points, making no sense to me, only a scant few lines drifting through or a scene here and there that would play clearly...one such scene had me completely broken down into tears, screaming my broken heart out. Optimus was dead..._

_ Even as I watched the battle unfold before my disbelieving eyes, I saw someone I recognized. He hadn't been in the first movie but I knew him and my heart leapt a little at seeing him. "Sides?"_

_ The character on the TV turned to face the screen, murder in his eyes. He reached up and tapped the screen, "Hey? Don't you think it's time to quit dreaming?" he asked softly before returning to the fight, his voice no match to the look in his eyes._

_ Again the images flitted by in a mix of nonsense to a point where Will was discussing something with Rob, something about Sam and there being a chance to bring Optimus back..._

_ I really don't know why but I glanced at my laptop again only to find the screen full of messages, windows upon windows with more popping up every second. Many of them I didn't understand, they were in some strange text that didn't translate on my computer or something but there was one that drew my eye and held me... 'Hey? Don't you think it's time to quit dreaming?'_

* * *

"Are you sure it was her?"

Ironhide glanced at the small figure that Ratchet was working so diligently on. "Not positive but it seemed to be." He looked over the response he had received to a reflexive message sent. _'Same way you're talking to me? Messengers work both ways. WHO IS THIS?' _It was natural for Cybertronians to send out short burst messages to those around them but the human should not have been able to receive such a message, let alone responded. Or at least it seemed she had responded.

Optimus nodded. He, along with the others had tried to elicit a response from the woman as well. Much to their great disappointment she had not responded to anyone.

The reunion of the twins had been an unexpected development. Sideswipe had been completely torn between his elation for seeing his twin whole and unharmed and the overwhelming horror of seeing the limp form casually held in one of his brother's hands. Sunstreaker had handed the woman over to his anxious brother with great distaste and they had stood facing each other for a tense moment not saying a thing.

Ratchet had finally broken their silent conversation by taking the woman from Sideswipe. It had been mere kliks but it had felt like joors to everyone watching.

"Jolt? Report." Optimus turned to the second of their current problems. Barricade had been in stasis lock when they had arrived and his condition was grim. The discovery of a carrying hold had brought thousands of questions and an extra sense of urgency to the need of preserving the Decepticon's life. To have a carrying hold meant that he had a sparkmate somewhere and if he died so would she.

"Not good," Jolt answered. Even though this was a Decepticon he was trying to save he could feel the stress of failure looming. This was a life in his hands and he did not want to lose it, the fact that if this one faded there was another that would die as well did nothing to boost his confidence. "He's missing parts; I can't even reroute."

"Get him stable, we'll haul him back to base," Ratchet called to his young apprentice. Jolt was no novice but he was still in training. Dealing with such severe injuries was still rough on him.

"It's here!" Mudflap shouted as he and his twin came bounding back into the small clearing. "Th' plane's o'vr on da other side of dese hills."

"All right, we need to move out quickly. We do not know how many Decepticons may still be in the area," Optimus announced to everyone present. "I will stay with Jolt until Barricade is stable, the rest of you head to the plane."

Ironhide gave the mangled Decepticon a glare that might have set fire to a lesser substance. "I will stay with you," he stated flatly. Carrying hold or not, Barricade was still a Decepticon and not to be trusted.

"I hardly think that Barricade is of any threat to anyone right now Ironhide. Go with the others, protect Aurian." He knew that would reach through Ironhide's anger and was not surprised when the mech looked in the direction of the woman. Ratchet was holding her delicately in his hand, a grim look on his face as he headed in the direction the younger twins had indicated the plane to be. "There are still enemies unaccounted for and this is obviously territory they have become familiar with."

"All the more reason for me to stay." Ironhide protested. He couldn't argue that he wanted to follow the others and assure that Aurian reached the plane safely; however, there were five mechs with her already. Optimus and Jolt could easily be outnumbered, especially if Barricade were to come back online and had any inclination to fight.

"It is not a request, Ironhide. Go."

Ironhide only hesitated a moment longer before following the others. Sometimes Optimus's orders confused the Pit out of him.

"Ya want we should hang around?" Skids offered somewhat reluctantly. "I mean, if ya needs some e'stra hands er somethin'?"

Optimus could not deny that at times the younger siblings were more trouble than they were worth, most times actually; however, they had good intentions and that made up for a lot. "No, go with the others." Messengers never were meant to do battle anyway, though they did well enough.

He watched his subordinates go. Mostly he watched Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. The twins had not spoken a word aloud to each other since they had come together, though Optimus knew they must be having a rather intense internal discussion. His spark relaxed with great relief when he saw Sunstreaker wrap his arm around his brother's shoulders in a show of affection. 'They will be all right.' He told himself.

* * *

'I really thought you might have deactivated on me.' Sunstreaker leaned on his brother a little.

'I probably would have.' Sideswipe gave his twin a look that solidified the seriousness of his tone. 'She's the reason I'm still active.' It wasn't a badge of honor for the woman, nor was it a bargaining token to try and sway his brother on his standings of this human. It was simple fact that he shared with his twin as insight to the current circumstance.

'How is that possible?'

'When I entered the atmosphere there was an electrical storm building. It disrupted my signal so the others didn't know I had arrived.' He sent burst images that his external sensors had recorded of the incident, of the woman talking to him, touching him... 'She alerted them, saving my life. I owe her for that.'

'Pit, Sides...' Sunstreaker wanted to tell his brother that his notions were foolish but he couldn't. He actually felt himself that he owed the woman for her small but pivotal actions.

'Sunny, I know you don't get it but she means a lot to me.' Knowing that using his brother's nick name over their bond was the _only_ time Sunstreaker wouldn't lose his temper over it, Sideswipe took advantage of the softer version of his brother's name to show him just how serious he was. 'Thank you for saving her.'

'Don't. It's not like I could let those 'Con's kill her anyway. Even if she is a squishy little bag of organic matter, she's an Autobot.' The residual fear he had felt from the woman coursed through him, bringing back the image of what the small Decepticon had done. 'This isn't the first time they've gotten their claws on her, is it?'

Sideswipe was silent but the pure guilt that radiated through their bond was all the answer Sunstreaker needed. 'What did they do to her?'

'Horrible things.' Sideswipe didn't want to think about all the nightmares Aurian had suffered for her first visit with the Decepticons and could only imagine what this second trip would do to further those horrors.

Sunstreaker considered the condition of the human when he had first seen her crawling out of Barricade's carrying hold; that still disgusted him. That was to put aside the heinous condition that Barricade himself had been in... 'Why does she stand up for that 'Con?'

Waves of anger, frustration, hate, shock and appreciation all flooded Sunstreaker. His brother grumbled something verbally before responding through their bond, 'He protected her from the others.'

'It's just a ploy, you know that. He was probably waiting until it better suited his own needs to hand her over.'

'Normally I'd agree with you...and I even thought so right up until she sent me this...' he shared the images Aurian had sent him of Barricade being torn apart while she coward beneath the table watching his vital fluids pour around her like some dark waterfall. 'They knew he had her at that point. They were searching for her.'

Sunstreaker didn't know what to say. Since when had any Decepticon willingly suffered for anyone else what was undoubtedly a death sentence? They looked out for themselves first and foremost with the exception of a few who were unconditionally dedicated to Megatron, but this was neither. It was what seemed to be a completely selfless sacrifice for the sake of that one human.

'Listen, Sunny, I need to talk to you about her. I don't know how it happened or how it's even possible but..'

'We're bonded to her. I know.'

'...You?'

'What do you think brought me here? Guess I owe her one too.'

Sideswipe stopped walking at that point, 'She reached you?'

'Guess so.'

'She didn't tell me that...'

Sunstreaker turned to look at his twin. It obviously bothered him that the woman had not told him that she had reached his brother but then again, given the human's demeanor... 'Did you ask?'

'No.'

Shrugging dismissively Sunstreaker turned back in the direction they had been heading. 'Some things are universal, Sides. You can't expect everyone to just tell you everything.'

* * *

_ Curled up in my bed I begged for sleep to come. Today had just been too weird for my liking and I wanted to sleep more than anything. I felt like battered, refried Hell in lava sauce. My whole body burned like the worst sunburn I could remember ever having only it was on the inside. My mind struggled to come up with_ some_ explanation as to why I felt this way but there was nothing and that scared me. Whatever had happened must have knocked me around good._

_ I had brought my laptop with me for some reason. It was strange but it kind of felt like having Ruby nearby helped me feel a little less insane, even though Ruby was half the reason I was feeling crazy in the first place! Those odd little messenger windows kept popping up endlessly, though one always remained on top of all the others. I had been tempted to respond to that particular one several times but I was afraid that if I did my level of crazy would rise phenomenally, but now, laying in my bed buried beneath every blanket I could find with my insides blazing brighter then the hottest smelter, I found my heart begging my mind to just give in and talk to that...person?... on the other end of that window._

_ Reaching out a trembling hand, I poked out the letters to spell out a casual greeting. 'Hey.'_

_ 'Aurian? Primus are you alright? Ratchet won't let me near you.'_

_ Okay...Primus? Ratchet? That was the signal of rising insanity. 'Who is this?' There was no response for a long, long time and I kept having this guilty feeling I'd just told my mother that I didn't think I was her child._

_ 'You don't know me?'_

_ Dang, that simple response hurt worse than the burning inside me. 'I can't tell who anyone is.' I tried to explain, 'All my ID's are messed up or something...I can't read them.'_

_ There was a strange feeling inside me, pushing the burning aside to wrap my heart in a calming sensation that I had apparently longed for because as I felt it I could just feel the stress melt from me. I knew that feeling. I knew that being. "Sideswipe?" I spoke out loud for some unknown reason to me._

_ Imagine my shock when I looked up and on my screen was, 'There you go. Come back to me, Aurian.'_

_ My first thought was 'Come back where?' but as I continued to sense that soft, soothing feeling in my chest I knew I had to go toward it. 'I don't know how,' I typed out._

_ 'Just follow me.'_

_ The soothing feeling turned into a tugging sensation, urging me to abandon the cocoon of my bed to follow. I wanted to go, really I did, yet every nerve and muscle and rational thought screamed 'NO'. Wherever this feeling was pulling me was somewhere I wasn't going to like. My heart began to pound painfully in my chest and my hands trembled violently. The more I tried to move the more the burning inside me grew and so did the anxiety of whatever it was that I couldn't remember. 'I can't.' I finally typed out, giving up on trying to force my unwilling body into action and pushing away the tugging sensation._

_ I could feel tears begin to sting at my eyes as fear rolled over me, replacing the soothing feeling, the pulling turning into a grabbing sensation. A faint thought in the back of my head kept pushing 'no, no, no' through my mind._

_ 'Don't let go!' Popped up in the message window, 'Just hold on!'_

_ "Why does it hurt so much?" I demanded of the silence around me._

_ 'It's okay to hurt Aurian, just don't let go. I'm sorry I let this happen to you and I swear that as long as you come back to me, I'll never let it happen again!' The grabbing sensation grew stronger, 'Scrap Ratchet. I'm coming. I'll be right beside you when you open your eyes, okay?'_

_ Open my eyes? They were open...but the words seemed somehow reassuring, 'Okay.' I typed back, "I'm so confused." I said aloud._

_ 'I know. You're not alone.'_

_

* * *

_**So, questions? Comments? Concerns? Lemme know! ^_~**


	37. Journal Entry 37

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~ I am SO so so sorry!! I know I promised I wouldn't take so long agian... _* So, here's the deal. New Beta reader Eowyn77 is awesome and has been helping me a lot with these most recent chapters. It takes a little extra time but I think it's so very worth it! Also, my week was...special...to say the least. I got to find out exactly what it's like to be dipped in liquid hard candy...ouch. So my right hand is a little on the side of malfunctioning at this time, but it's not so bad. ^_^; My daughter (8months) has decided that the world is hers and she will have it come Hell or high waters and that has been a little distracting (I'm sure you can imagine!) And then put on top of that the Holiday season...The good news is that I have 2 more chapters already in the first stage of Beta and should not be too long to follow.**

**Okay, my long list of excuses is over!**

*****Important*** To me anyway. There is a poll up on my main page. If you would all be so kind as to go put in your opinions I would appreciate it A LOT! I'm struggling with a particular story arc and I want to know what people would like to see...well, without giving away the plot that is! It involves Barricade and Prowl. NOT AS A PARING! It's not that I have an issue with these kinds of parings, it's just not what I'm doing at this point. ^_^; So please, put in your two cents! (literally...you can pick two choices.)**

**ON to the fic!  
**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Standing on the sidewalk in front of my apartment complex, I stared shamelessly at what lay before me. This was my parking lot. It looked exactly like all the others in this area, nothing special...except for the perfectly bizarre array of vehicles parked there._

_ Clutching my laptop case tightly to my chest I tentatively set out into the sea of __strange, almost alien,__machines. My mind perked at certain ones, they somehow seemed more familiar then the rest...as if any of them _could _feel familiar. They felt...safer then the others, oddly friendly to me. It was almost as if I should know them from somewhere: The yellow Camaro with black racing stripes off to one side, looking as if it were prepared to bolt out of the lot at any given moment. The black TopKick sitting boldly front and center, gleaming in the sunlight. The Rescue Hummer parked the wrong way through three parking spaces at an odd angle as though it had been rushed in and left as it had come to rest. The little Solstice casually resting in a spot under the shade of one of the large trees that loomed near the edge of the lot. The custom Peterbilt in the center of it all. There were others, a lot of others, but the one I was looking for was parked on the far side of the lot; the silver Stingray concept._

_ As I weaved t__hrough the _insane _r__ow upon insane row of odd of o__dd vehicles my eyes picked out something that did not belong; as if any of this _had _belonged. Just at the edge of my building where I couldn't have seen it until I was well into the lot sa__t a F-22 Ra__ptor. Phantom pain shot through my whole body at the mere sight of that plane, vague memories of screaming, begging, stabbing, cackling..._

"_I can't do this!" I screamed as my heart jumped into my throat. I didn't know why that particular model of airship scared me so badly at the moment, or why it was even there, but I knew that if I got too close to it certain doom would be short to follow. Instead of following that insistent tugging feeling, begging me to move on toward the Stingray, I turned and ran back into my building where I was safe. I batted at the feeling in my chest both mentally and physically demanding that it stop. I wasn't going to go near any of those machines!_

_ Back in the safety of my apartment I gasped for air trying to sooth my pounding heart. Why was I so scared? My mind spun over the last few moments...had I left my apartment? Yes, but...what had just happened?_

* * *

"Ratchet, you have to let me in!" Sideswipe shouted from the other side of the locked doors. The medic had forbade anyone from entry and when Sideswipe had come demanding entrance he had locked him out. "Slag it Hatchet! She's pulling away! LET ME IN!"

Shortly a rather haggard looking Ratchet stood before Sideswipe, glaring him down. "What is it you think you can do, Sideswipe?" The medic spoke softly, calmly, completely belying the fierce look on his face. He understood that Sideswipe was worried for Aurian and that his bond with her was causing him further distress. He even worried that maybe whatever Aurian was suffering would begin to affect the mech as well, but right now he had other priorities. "She's stable for now but she's still in danger. I can't have you in my way should her condition turn suddenly."

"I'll stay out of your way!" Unsure of whether he'd rather continue his stare down with the medic or push past him to try and reach the woman he was so concerned about, Sideswipe shuffled from one foot to the other. "Please, Ratchet...she's pulling away."

Ratchet considered the implications, a deep frown coming over his face. In Cybertronian connections pulling away was a protective action, trying to save the other in the bond from their suffering. Aurian was undeniably suffering so that was an acceptable explanation, however Sideswipe's concern seemed to indicate something far darker than simply trying to prevent shared pain. That was to put aside the notion that a human, who knew little to nothing about bonds, knew how to shield such things from a mech who had a lifetime of experience with them. "What do you mean?" He finally asked.

Sideswipe was unsure exactly how to explain it to the medic. He'd never really felt anything like it and only recognized it as the sickening sensation of someone trying to deny a bond. "It's like she's fading." He thought over the sensation carefully, "Like she's slowly disappearing."

Alarm instantly grew in Ratchet. "Is she responding to you?"

Fists clenching nervously Sideswipe tried to focus on the question. "Yes and no." He was really growing more nervous by the klik. He had heard Aurian's cry of fear clearly through their bond but she wouldn't answer his questions. "She was talking to me through internal messaging mostly. She doesn't seem to be responding to our bond most of the time."

Shuttering his optics Ratchet thought long and hard about what it all meant. Ironhide had claimed to have received a response to a burst message he had sent out reflexively, as many of their kind did in stressful situations, yet no one else had received any such response. If she was sending burst messages - how would a human send a burst message anyway? - to Sideswipe instead of communicating through their bond, that was indicative of something far more dangerous than what they already knew to be wrong with her. In Cybertronians burst messages were a last ditch effort when a spark was too weak to reach out through a bond. What would that mean of the human who had no spark? "Alright, but if you get in my way I'm removing all of your limbs."

Ratchet almost could not move out of the way fast enough as Sideswipe pushed into the med bay, rushing past Barricade, who was still gamely clinging to life, already calling to the woman loudly. "Aurian! I'm here! Just like I promised, I'm here!" Sideswipe reached out to the woman slowly, hands shaking. ::Aurian, please talk to me.:: He begged.

"Well?" What did Ratchet expect anyway? Some miraculous event to suddenly snap the woman from the coma she had fallen to? Unlikely.

His whole frame screaming with apprehension Sideswipe leaned over the berth, searching, hoping for _something_ from the woman. "She's afraid. That's all I can sense...just fear." He felt so helpless to do anything for her.

::Slag it Sides, what's your fraggin problem now?:: After so long searching the far reaches of space Sunstreaker had found himself want for a long recharge, however his brothers fluctuating emotions kept dragging him from the much needed rest.

::Sorry, Sunny...:: His response was almost sarcastic, he really did feel sorry for disturbing Sunstreaker's rest but his twin's tone sat uneasily upon his processor.

::Frag. It's that human again isn't it?:: Sideswipe didn't answer, ::Let it _go_ already! It's not like it's gonna live much longer anyway. Have you even seen the lifespans of these humans?:: Sunstreaker was never known for his tact, nor his sparkfelt feelings for others, however he usually tamed his harsher thoughts for his brother's sake. He instantly knew he had gone too far, ::Sides...::

::I won't let her go Sunny. You know that.:: Sideswipe struggled in agony with his bond between his brother and himself. His spark was so maddeningly overcharged with manic energy at having his brother finally near again that he wanted to explode with his relief and joy. However his twin's disdain for humans, Aurian in particular, was straining their connection leaving Sideswipe to suffer the repercussions as physically as if someone were cutting into his very sparkchamber with a burning plasma blade.

Ratchet continued to monitor the goings on carefully. At this time there was nothing more he could do for the woman but to watch her condition and hope that it improved. What came as somewhat of a surprise to him was that it was; "Sideswipe, talk to her some more!"

"Why?" Ratchet's tone made him instantly suspicious.

"Just do it."

With a sigh Sideswipe focused his attention back to the limp form his hands ghosted over, afraid to touch. "Aurian? I'm here like I promised. Come back." He spoke softly, not entirely comfortable pouring out his spark with someone witness to his weakness. "I'm sorry. For everything, okay? You have to come back to me so I can make it all up to you."

As Ratchet excitedly watched the monitors he saw things turning for the better with every word Sideswipe spoke. "She's responding. Keep going!" In the hours...or was it days?...that they had been back at base with the damaged woman there had been more decline than improvement in the woman's condition.

"You hear me don't you?" Hope pulsed through him at Ratchet's proclamation. Aurian did not respond but the fact that Ratchet reported progress was enough for him at the moment. "You don't have to say anything, just stay with me, okay?"

* * *

Sunstreaker stood at a point where the land gave way to water. This planet was...something else. He had been to hundreds of others, thousands even. There was almost always one common factor among those that he had seen, they were dead. They were ugly chunks of space debris that spun aimlessly trapped in orbit around some sun. Nothing all that impressive. Yes there had been a few with something worthwhile to offer him; some life forms, some vegetation, even some with large expanses of water similar to this one. Yet with what he had seen of this one so far, which was not much at all, it was more fascinating than any he had seen before. Not that he would _ever _admit that to anyone. There was a certain beauty about this ball of mud. Its regions ranged from frozen, barren wastelands to hot, rich clusters of _life_.

Honestly he didn't _hate_ it here. Actually he'd finally felt somewhat at ease when he had arrived. There was a sense of...completion about it. Now he knew it was because Sideswipe was on this planet and his spark could feel whole again. Yet there had been that human.

::Sideswipe?:: He called out for nearly the tenth time in the past few breems. He hadn't really meant what he said about human life spans...well, he _had_ but he hadn't meant it to hurt his brother. It was a simple fact. Humans only lived for _maybe_ a hundred of their years, just a little over a vorn. How could Sideswipe be so attached to something whose life was so fleeting? ::Stop ignoring me.::

::I'm not ignoring you.:: came back a weary reply. It had been quite some time since Sunstreaker had put his proverbial foot in his mouth with his twin and he had not seen anything of the other since then. He had stubbornly ignored the fact that his brother was otherwise occupied until just a few joors ago when he had discovered that the other mech was practically _residing_ in the med bay.

::Then what do you call it? I've been trying to contact you forever!:: A statement that was more truth then exaggeration after their long separation. Sunstreaker was frustrated that, despite their long separation, they still remained so detached from each other.

::I'm sorry. I don't mean to.::

Sunstreaker could just feel the tiredness rolling through their bond. His twin was exhausted in every way possible and Sunstreaker could feel it. On top of that he kept getting residual from the human through his brother's bond also, sensations of fear, abandonment and confusion. ::Why don't you catch a few hours of recharge Sides? You're beat.::

::I can't, I promised I would be here.::

::Be there? Slag it Sides, you _hate_ the med bay!::

::I'd do it for you.::

Sunstreaker felt physically struck by the admission. It wasn't that he didn't believe what his twin said; it was because he knew it was true. There were only a few things in life that could keep Sideswipe in the med bay and very few of them kept him there willingly. ::This isn't healthy at all.:: He stated grouchily. ::Why hasn't Ratchet kicked you out yet?::

::Because she needs me.::

::What?!:: Again he was stunned by his brother's words.

There was a sensation of something close to a sigh that transferred through their bond. Honestly Sunstreaker was disturbed that Sideswipe wasn't communicating through their bond as they almost always did. Only on occasions that one or the other was too spark weary had they ever abandoned their bond communications for the use of other methods. ::She's very weak Sunny, she needs my help. You know how that works.::

::Between us, yes! Even between sparkmates I get the theory but how can you...::

::You can feel the bond, she's connected to me...to us. What makes you think it wouldn't work?::

::She's not Cybertronian!::

::I'm aware of that.::

Sunstreaker could feel an odd sensation flow through their bond. ::Sides...:: the question he wanted to ask died instantly. He didn't want to know. ::What if I come sit with her for a while? Will you go recharge?::

There was a long pause, ::You would do that?::

::I'd do it for you.::

* * *

"This is ridiculous."

"You don't really believe that or you wouldn't be here."

"I'm _here_," Sunstreaker indicated the room with a wide gesture, "because I don't have a choice."

"You are not restricted to the med bay." Ratchet spared the annoyed mech a glance before returning to his work. "Just Sideswipe."

"Why?" He demanded. He had been demanding the same thing over and over again and got the same response every time.

"Because Aurian needs him." Ratchet repeated yet again.

"She doesn't need him. She needs her processor checked. That human is a few bearings short if you ask me."

"Sunstreaker," Ratchet finally abandoned his task to look at the mech, "You felt Aurian just the same as Sideswipe. She needs support and Sideswipe is willing to provide it. Perhaps if you were willing to..."

"No slagging way!" Sunstreaker reeled back, disgusted by what Ratchet was about to suggest, "There is no way that I'm going to willingly let that thing feed on my spark!"

"Feed on your spark?" Ratchet was amused, to say the least. "Humans do not feed on sparks, Sunstreaker. All you have to do is talk to her."

"I said I'd sit with her, that's as far as I go."

"Then Sideswipe must remain in the med bay with her." Ratchet glanced to where Sideswipe lay in deep recharge. He was concerned for the young warrior mech; caring for the woman had obviously drained him more completely then a rowdy night of high grade and plasma grenades. "She needs the connection."

Sunstreaker was at a loss. He couldn't even fathom how all this was possible, and beyond that, the fact that his twin seemed so accepting of it all was furthering his confusion. "I don't understand it." He stated flatly, "These humans don't have sparks, how can they bond?"

"A good question that we've only got a tentative theory on at this point." Ratchet sighed, "Humans are empathetic creatures, some more-so then others. I would have to venture to say that the bond between Sideswipe and Aurian is possible because of that, mostly."

"Mostly?" Sunstreaker could see the sorrow on the medic's face as clearly as if it were spelled out for him to read. "The 'Cons did something to her?"

The sorrow instantly shifted to anger and disgust, "Oh, they did things to her. Though I can't be sure what effects Scalpel's 'experiments' had on her."

"Because a bond isn't clear enough?" Sunstreaker snapped.

"The bond was there before the Decepticons got a hold of her. Or, at least it was forming."

Sunstreaker felt a tug on his bond with his brother. Turning he could see that Sideswipe was still deep in recharge but he looked troubled. He felt out the bond with his brother only to find that the human's own had become twisted into his twin's. She was pulling on his energy even in his recharge. "This has got to stop!" He snarled as he stormed over to where the human lay. "You're more trouble then you're worth!" He growled at her, instantly regretting his tone as he felt panic shoot through his bond with Sideswipe.

"Sunstreaker!" Ratchet scolded. The monitors attached to the woman were beginning to show decline in her current state, "That isn't going to help anyone!"

With a deep sigh he reluctantly reopened the connection he had with the woman and found...nothing. "I can't feel her." The mech stated shortly.

"She's weak Sunstreaker. Just talk _nicely_ to her."

* * *

_ 'What is your problem?'_

_ Aurian glared at the words in a new window on her laptop. This one was just as persistent as the other had been, refusing to give way to other windows that still popped up continually. 'Who are you?' She typed. Whomever it was sending this message was someone she wasn't so sure she wanted to talk to._

_ 'What does that matter, human?'_

_ Human? 'Go away.' Definitely didn't want to talk to this person. In a separate window, the one she had been talking with the encouraging perso__n, __she typed out, 'when are you coming back?' _

_ The person on the other end of this window had said he was going to rest for a little bit but that he wasn't going far and would be there if she needed him. She didn't _need _him but she _wanted _him._

_After the fiasco of trying to leave her apartment he had been nothing but kind to her, talking her through her fears and her pain, telling her that she could take as much time as she needed but she would have to come back eventually. Even though she didn't know what he was talking about she took comfort in his words._

_ New text popped up in the second window. 'I can't.' Des__pite the sheer lack of emotions in the type she could just _feel _the frustration flowing from this new person. 'I promised I'd sit here with you until Sideswipe was done recharging.'_

_ She stared at the words. Sideswipe? A feeling of warmth and comfort filled her with the name. She had known that name, had spoken it even. Yes, she wanted Sideswipe to be there with her. A feeling of guilt nudged into her warm feelings for the...person? 'Is he okay?' She typed out nervously. Something told her that he was suffering because of her._

_ 'He'll be better whenever you decide to come back to the world of the living.'_

_ 'What?'_

_ 'He's wearing himself out trying to help you. You should really get your aft in gear.'_

_ Aurian sensed the tugging feeling again, only this time it was__n't the gentle pull f__rom before. It felt different and, while it wasn't painful, it wasn__'t gentle eith__er._

_ 'Come on.'_

_

* * *

_**Again...poll...two cents...please?**


	38. Journal Entry 38

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

I stood at the breach between the hallway that lead to the stairs of my apartment and the openness that was the parking lot. All those strange vehicles were still there and it really felt like they were staring at me even as I looked back at them._

_ My legs trembled as that forceful pulling sensation still urged me forward. I couldn't move._

_ The sun glared off of the variously colored metals that filled the lot making the outside seem so uncomfortable, so open, that I didn't dare set foot beyond the protective overhang._

_ Collapsing to my knees I pulled out Ruby and started up the machine. I didn't want to run back to my apartment after having made it this far but at the same time I was desperate to be back in its seeming safety._

_ As the screen came on a message popped up. 'What are you waiting for?'_

_ 'I can't do this!' I typed quickly, 'They can all see me!' Well, that was foolish. See me? What, 'cause cars could see?_

_ 'Who can see you?'_

_ Good question. What should I say? 'The cars?' It was a question because it sounded ridiculous even to me._

_ 'Cars? Like Earth vehicles?' I could almost hear his snark through the message. This...person...wasn't very nice._

_ 'Not all of them.' A sudden idea occurred to me and I quickly clicked on the little icon for my web cam and turned it toward the parking lot. I may not like other people seeing me over the built in camera but for this? Very useful._

_ When I turned the laptop back toward myself I clicked off the web cam and looked for his response. There was nothing._

_ Fear ripped through me like a hot knife through butter as I waited for _something_. Had I scared him off? Not that he was entirely pleasant to talk to but in the absence of Sideswipe I really needed _someone_ to hold my metaphorical hand._

_ 'Hello?' My hands shook over the keys and I had to clutch onto Ruby tightly to keep the small machine from toppling from my lap._

_ "You should really speak to Ratchet.' The reply came somehow hesitantly. 'That's not normal.'_

_ 'NOT NORMAL?' I could almost scream at the redundancy of that simple statement. 'ANY OF THIS IS NORMAL?' Tears stung at my eyes. I was afraid and frustrated and this...person...wasn't helping anything at all! Not to mention that that burning sensation was coming back in a vicious kind of way. It felt like I had downed a bottle of whiskey as fast as I could and chased it with lit kerosene. Don't ask me why I think I know what that feels like._

_ 'Not if you ask me it's not.'_

_ 'Thanks, you're TONS of help. Just go away.' I snapped the laptop closed and tried to get my feet back under me. If this was how it was going to go I was just going to go back to my bed. At least there I could suffer in semi comfort._

_ The absolutely pathetic whine of an engine stopped me cold in my steps. I turned back toward the parking lot gripped by sudden, inexplicable grief for the sound. I crept forward, still not daring to leave the safety of the overhang but needing to find the cause of the struggling engine. Coming to the very limits of my invisible line I craned my neck around seeking out the vehicle that sounded so horrid and my eyes came to rest on a rather beat up looking mustang. My heart lurched painfully at the sight and, before I realized my own fear was gone, I was running toward the car. Its engine idled painfully in its casing, knocking against the sides. The paint was practically stripped from the car denying any identifying marks but I knew I knew this car. I knew I didn't want to hear that engine stop, not even for a second._

_ "Oh, Gods..." I whispered as I reached out to touch the torn hood._

* * *

Jolt's hands moved faster than what any normal mech could do and still maintain control over the appendages. There was only one mech that he knew of that could move faster and with greater precision but he was busy with the human. Both beings vital signs had completely dropped from every monitor they had available to them without much warning.

Desperately he clipped cables onto very sensitive wiring; one wrong move and his actions would defeat any kind of aid he may have been able to provide. Taking only a moment to look over the connections to be sure everything was in its proper place, Jolt stepped back and flipped a switch on the machine all the cables originated from. The mech beneath the astounding amounts of equipment lurched painfully under the shock, only to fall back to the berth still unmoving. Jolt waited a few kliks, eyes glued to the monitors hoping for some response. Nothing. Clinching his jaw he tried again. This time a few monitors came to life. Their signals were weak but he'd take it over nothing.

Delving back into the open chassis he rushed to make vital connections. The shock may have bought him time but he was no fool to think he had very long. Especially not in a mech as damaged as Barricade.

Not far away Ratchet was working with practiced calm though equally as quick trying to preserve the life of the human he had spent so much time just trying to keep from fading away from them completely. The agonized shouts of Sideswipe were no encouragement at all and neither were the angered shouts of Sunstreaker as he tried to restrain his twin. Nothing about this situation was what Ratchet might venture to call 'bad'; it was far worse than that.

"Jolt? Progress?"

"Minimal."

"Slag." Ratchet spared a glance for his apprentice and his current charge. Barricade had been precariously balanced between stasis and recharge since they had returned. They all feared that the mech would give out before they could complete repairs, which had been painfully slow by any measure, and it looked as though those fears might be realized. "Keep trying."

"Let me go!" Sideswipe roared. He didn't care what anyone said, he wouldn't stand by and just watch while Aurian died. He just wouldn't!

"Slag it Sides! You've got to stay out of Ratchet's way!" Sunstreaker was practically crushing his twin trying to hold him back, when in truth he wasn't one hundred percent himself. He could feel the pain, the sickening loss of the bond between himself and the human. His own spark was twisting inside him with grief for a creature he couldn't give two bolts for! But Sideswipe's utter sparkache was what kept him somewhat ahead of the game. If Sideswipe got in the way there as no way Ratchet would be able to recover the woman and then they would both be subject to sparkshock.

"She's dying Sunny!" Sideswipe growled dangerously, "I won't let her!" Before he had even thought through the action Sideswipe swung at his brother. He hadn't intended to actually hit him very hard, just enough to let him know he meant business, however when his fist made contact he knew he had swung with everything he had.

Sunstreaker reeled under the impact, the only thing keeping him on his feet was the sheer _outrage_ he felt at having been struck by his brother when he was only trying to help! Taking advantage of the momentary stupor Sideswipe was in, Sunstreaker hauled off and smashed him square between the optics. He watched as his twin crumpled to the ground, not unconscious but definitely not able to maintain his balance. "Listen to me, Sideswipe. That fraggin little bag of bones you've gotten yourself so fond of is going to die. Its a fact of life, whether she dies _now_ or in a _vorn_ is completely up to Ratchet and his skills as a medic. Not you and you're idiotic notions!" He glared at his brother, sprawled on the ground before him. "You can either get a hold of yourself and wait here, which I doubt you can do, or you can come with me and get the slag out of this fraggin med bay for a few joors and let the medics do their job. Which is it going to be?"

Sideswipe didn't know what to say or how to react. His processor was still spinning from the blow Sunstreaker had so viciously delivered him. Somewhere deep inside he knew he deserved it but closer to the surface was hurt and anger. How could Sunstreaker do this to him? Couldn't he see that Aurian _needed_ him to be here? That without him she was going to die? "I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine." Sunstreaker grabbed his brother by his chest armor and hauled him to his feet, shoving him backwards as he walked. "If you won't leave and you can't control yourself then by all means, feel free to stay as long as you like."

With one final shove Sideswipe found himself stumbling into a berth and a door slamming shut in his face. "Sunstreaker! Don't do this!"

"Call me when you've got your processor in right," Sunstreaker grumbled as he turned to stalk out of the med bay.

Ratchet spared the angered twin a momentary glance. He was thankful for Sunstreaker's actions to a point. Sideswipe was out of the way and would remain so until someone released him from the room his brother had just locked him in, yet at the same time he couldn't help but wonder if part of his actions had come from anger for his twin's obsession with the human. The two had hardly spent a joor together since they had arrived on the base. Not a good situation considering the length of time they had spent apart. "Sunstreaker? You alright?"

"I'm fine." He snapped as he passed through the med bay doors. Honestly he was far from fine but he didn't think Ratchet could do anything to help him right now.

Storming down the hallways he only just remembered to watch for the small humans that infested this place. It wasn't so much that if he accidentally stepped on one that he'd likely kill it so much as it was he'd have to scrape the organic goo off of his foot. Not that he'd go out of his way to see the humans destroyed, they were living things after all. He just didn't particularly care about them. 'But Sideswipe does.' He thought irritably to himself. 'Too much maybe.'

He found himself standing at the edge of what the humans called a lagoon; a shallow body of salt water close to the sea but separated from it by a narrow strip of land, such as a barrier island, or by a coral reef. This one was nearly choked by trees that surrounded it. It was peaceful, though the outer peace of this place could not begin to touch the inner turmoil of his spark.

It was only as Sunstreaker stopped moving that he felt the telltale signs in his perception that told him Sideswipe's strike had been as strong as ever and before he could do anything more he collapsed into the soft sand.

Staring up at the so-very-blue sky Sunstreaker allowed his spark to do as it wished. At this point it hardly mattered if he maintained control or not, his spark and his processor really hurt too badly to care.

He could feel Sideswipe's outrage and his desperation. His twin was really in a state of extremes and wasn't processing clearly, that much was obvious. 'All because of some alien.' He sighed heavily. 'What are you doing Sides? Haven't we always said that we had each other and didn't need anything else? She's just going to hurt you...' He remembered the reverence at which his brother had taken the limp body from his hand when they had met up back in, what had the humans called it? Oregon? He had been so gentle with her and so upset. Sideswipe had always been the more emotional of the two, or perhaps not _more_ emotional but certainly more emotionally open, but the amount of fear, sorrow, even grief that poured off of his twin at that very moment had nearly overwhelmed him. Sideswipe had not felt grief that strongly since...a long time ago.

'I'm sorry.'

Sunstreaker very nearly thought he might be hearing things as the tiny voice sifted through his processor. No, it hadn't come through his processor at all, had it? 'Sorry?'

'You're hurting and it's my fault.'

He sensed out the 'voice', the bonded emotion that was drifting to him. He had closed his bond to the human again so assumed it could only be Sideswipe...yet he knew it wasn't. At the end of the link he found two presences; Sideswipe and the human. She was reaching out to him _through_ Sideswipe! 'Slaggin straight it is!' He sent all his anger, frustration and disgust toward the human only remembering afterwards that she was calling to him through Sideswipe.

The human's presence pulled away instantly and in its stead Sideswipe's own anxiety took over. 'Sunny...'

'Shut it Sides! Unless you're going to say you've been an aft and you're sorry I don't want to hear it.' Silence. Sunstreaker wasn't surprised, disappointed yes, but not surprised. 'Thought so.' He dampened the bond to his brother for the first time in vorns. His spark screamed at him for doing it but at this moment in time he just couldn't handle it. Instead he focused on the clouds rolling overhead, the trees swaying in the gentle breeze...the pain in his processor. "Frag you Sides." He groaned as he slung his arm over his optics. Maybe he'd just recharge for a little bit before he went back to beat some sense into his twin.

* * *

Sideswipe leaned his head against the door. Sunstreaker had every right to be mad at him. They were brothers and _always_, without question or even a second thought, put each other first. They were each other's last grip on the lives they lived. _Had_ been. Now he had Aurian and he wanted so desperately for Sunstreaker to accept that bond too so that they could all have each other, but Sunstreaker's notorious emotional distance from anything not himself or Sideswipe was proving far more difficult than Sideswipe had thought it would be. Not that he had actually put much thought into it. He had simply accepted that he and the human were bonded somehow and that his brother would also accept that bond. "I'm an aft." He mumbled to himself. Now, not only was his brother slagged off with him but Aurian was shrinking away from that connection. After the commotion outside his current prison had settled, she had been able to reach out to Sideswipe and had pleaded and begged him to never leave her again.

After a few breems of talking her out of her overwhelming fear and panic, Sideswipe had explained that Sunstreaker wasn't always so harsh, he was just having a hard time with everything. She had somehow reached out to his brother through his bond with him and had attempted to apologize; however, Sunstreaker was too far into his mood to allow such a simple attempt to fulfill the anger he had built up and had scared the woman off.

'Aurian, don't pull away.' He asked softly. He was so relieved to have her speaking to him through their bond again that he absolutely couldn't let it go. It didn't matter what she said, he just wanted her to talk to him.

'He hates me.' The mourning that seemingly dripped through their bond was horrible.

'No...'

'Yes he does!' There was a long pause. 'He thinks I'm a pest.'

"Typical." Sideswipe groaned. 'It will just take time. Come back to me and we'll all talk, get this all figured out. You'll see, he's really a nice mech at spark.'

Doubt washed through the bond, 'Nice?'

Sideswipe couldn't help but laugh, 'I know it's hard to believe but it's true I swear. Don't tell him I told you that.'

'Sides...' still there was overwhelming doubt, 'who are all these others?'

'Others?'

'I'm starting to think that these cars are...you guys.'

Sideswipe stood up straight. It had been more than obvious to him that in her 'coma', as Ratchet had called it, she had lost quite a bit of her memory. Mostly that surrounding the Cybertronians. That she was finally showing some form of recognition thrilled him...yet... 'What other cars are you talking about?'

'Well, there's a Camaro, a Topkick...' There was a few moments of pause, 'An emergency vehicle, a Semi...' another pause, 'A really beat up mustang and...okay, this is going to sound really strange but there's a fraggin _jet_ sitting out there. I mean, there's hundreds of vehicles I can't even name...but a jet?'

'Stay away from it!' A cold icy chill dripped down his inner workings, 'I need you to find me, come to me and get the slag out of...wherever you are.'

'Okay...but, what if it sees me?'

How was he supposed to answer _that_? He wasn't even sure what she was talking about other than she was recognizing familiar alt modes. 'Just stay calm and come find me.'

* * *

_ I figured out that I could 'talk' to Sideswipe through that tugging feeling at my heart. Okay I know that sounds weird but I really don't know how else to describe it. It's kind of like I could send my own thoughts and emotions through that imaginary cord to him and he could do the same in return. It sure made it easier to talk to when I didn't have to whip out my laptop anytime I needed to say something._

_ I had asked about that weird jet sitting around the corner of my building and quite honestly I got the feeling that that plane freaked him out just as much as it did me. 'Just stay calm and find me.' He had instructed. Sure. I'd like to see him stay calm in my shoes...of course if all this was turning out the way I was thinking, he'd probably do it and make it look good in the process._

_ With a final stroke against the mustang, which was not rattling nearly as badly now, I parted ways and headed into the sea of vehicles. I passed really close to the custom Peterbilt and couldn't stop my hand as it reached out to the vehicle, tracking as I passed by. Just touching it seemed to give me strength and courage. I had a long way to go to reach the silver Stingray._

_ Maybe if I went around the lot instead of through? It would take longer but I wouldn't have to walk past so many of the disturbingly 'alive' feeling vehicles. Reaching a pathway between rows of the machines I rushed to the edge of the lot, pausing at the Solstice as I did. 'I know you...' The thought drifted through my mind even as once again my hand acted without my consent and gently rubbed along the framing of the windshield of the small car. I was happy to see this car...something about it just _being_ here seemed significant._

_ Shaking off the momentary distraction, I refocused on where the Stingray sat compared to my own position. Between here and there sat a rather impressive looking Ferrari...a four-fifty-eight Italia if the label was anything to go by. It's almost obnoxious gold color grabbed the light and seemed to shame the sun with the reflection it returned. "Wow..." I breathed heavily as I drew closer to the beacon of light. This one I didn't touch. I felt that my grimy hands would mar the sheen of this magnificent car and that would be a shame. So instead I hurried past it toward the Stingray. In comparison they seemed very on par with each other. Aside from color both vehicles were a grand show of their make and model, however where the Ferrari was showy the Stingray was intense. They complimented each other very nicely and in my mind I just knew that if this one was Sideswipe, the other was Sunstreaker...his brother._

_ Creeping up on the Stingray I came to one very unrelenting thought. Now what? With a shaky hand I reached out toward the car's hood. I was drawn to this one so surely he wouldn't mind if I touched him...right?_

_

* * *

_**Poll...have you taken it yet? ^_~;**


	39. Journal Entry 39

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; welcome to the world of the living_

_ The second I had touched the hood of that all too alluring Stingray I felt like I was yanked right off my feet and tossed back into my own body with a force so strong the breath was knocked clean out of me._

_ Ratchet was there before all my senses had come back to me and I remember I tried to struggle against him, pushing away, hitting, clawing, kicking. I choked out something resembling 'leave me alone' before his words finally got through to me._

_ "Just stay calm, you're still hurt."_

_ Okay._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian sat in a daze. She could remember everything and it was all so _weird_. She was alive...and that was weird too. If what Ratchet said was anything to go by, she had not only been doused in energon _-again-_ but she had even ingested quite a bit of it in the process. So, if past experience was anything to go by she should be dead, at the very least.

"We were able to reverse the effects upon our arrival. From Sunstreaker's accounting it couldn't have been too long."

"But...Ratchet? Last time it wasn't even on my skin a few seconds before it started burning and doing that weird creeping thing. How the Hell did I get it inside me and not have it just eat my guts out?"

Ratchet hesitated. That was a question that he had refused to consider up until now. In his mind if she was living then it hardly mattered how it was possible, but now it seemed very important to research this phenomenon. "I don't have an answer for that." He handed the woman a few small containers of food which she sneered at but accepted.

Aurian poked at the food offered her; it wasn't so much that she wasn't hungry, she was starving actually, but the food looked like someone had just scraped it off the tailgate of a truck that had just gone mudding through a bog. "Sunstreaker..." She thought the mech's previous appearance over carefully. He had been far more...'He was a jerk,' she growled to herself, more than she thought he would have been. Of course she always tended to think of the mech as not much more than a youngling himself and supposed he might act as much... 'Way to go fanfiction, corrupting my brain yet again!' She snickered to herself thinking of all the bizarre things that stories of the mech had proclaimed and half wondered what was true and what wasn't. 'I suppose asking wouldn't be a good idea.' "Where's Sides?" She suddenly realized that the mech that she had been using as an anchor was no where to be seen.

"Oh, right." Ratchet strode over to the room Sunstreaker had shoved the delirious mech into and released the door. The glare that greeted him on the other side was nothing short of if-looks-could-kill fatal but Ratchet ignored it and simply gestured to where Aurian sat expectantly. "She's still in danger, no running off." He stated simply, leaving the two to their much-needed reunion. Now if only Sideswipe and Sunstreaker could have their own much-needed reunion everything might be well again. Or, at least as well as things could be given the circumstances.

Sneaking away to where Barricade had been moved, a room farther away from where Aurian was so that she wouldn't see his disastrous condition, Ratchet prepared for another round of intensive repairs that would likely last the night and well into the morning. He and Jolt worked as around the clock as their systems and other duties would allow trying to repair the mech. In all honesty it was hard to say if they were really making progress or not but the mech's spark had remained online and strong after that momentary lapse, so at the very least they weren't moving backwards and that had to be enough for now.

Considering the patchy coloring on the mech's frame Ratchet felt some sort of sympathy for him. All of this, surface, internal and very likely psychological damage the mech had taken for the sake of a single human woman that probably didn't mean a whole lot to him. "Pit if you're not growing on me. If this is just one of your tricks..." but he couldn't finish that thought. Not while looking at the amount of damage that remained on the mech. A trick was a few cuts, maybe a dangerous hole cut into a chassis near a spark chamber; something that _looked_ far worse then it was...this was no trick. This was honest desire to protect the life of another. "Aurian was right about you, wasn't she?" With a deep relenting sigh Ratchet set himself to work, deciding that if Aurian went to Optimus to plea Barricade's case...he would have to support her.

Aurian looked up as Sideswipe approached. He seemed apprehensive. "Hey."

"Hey." The mech looked at her for a long time, disbelieving that she was sitting before him after so nearly having lost her. "You look good." The, 'considering everything you've been through' was silent but well understood between the two.

Aurian laughed at the almost-cheesy statement, "Thanks, I guess." She smiled and felt it for the first time in a while. "So, where's Sunny?"

The look that crossed his face was something between anger and pain, "He's around here somewhere."

"Really? I'd have figured after..."

"There were more important things." Sideswipe cut off before Aurian could point out how much of an aft he was being toward his twin.

"Me?" It was sweet, really, still Aurian could not stop the guilt she felt for being the cause of keeping the twins apart when they were finally so close. "Look, I'm fine now. You should go find Sunny..."

Sideswipe felt the guilt and tried to push confidence back to her, "Aurian, it's not your fault." How was he supposed to explain Sunstreaker to her?

"Maybe not," not that she felt that way, "regardless. Go find him. I know you want to, I can feel it. And he wants it too." 'Even if he is a total jerk...' She thought to herself.

"He's not exactly talking to me right now."

Aurian sighed heavily. Stubborn. They were both stubborn, that much was as true as ever from the fandom. She sought out Sunstreaker's link with her and found it still blocked. So, instead, she reached through Sideswipe's connection to his brother.

"Aurian!" Before the seeking had been reflexive, unintrusive but this was down right breaking the door and entering without permission.

"If you're not going to I am." She stated flatly even as she felt Sunstreaker's annoyance that she was disturbing him. "Sides wants to talk to you."

'He can frag off.'

"You don't mean that."

'Like Pit I don't!'

"Stop it!" Sideswipe snarled. He tried to push Aurian from his brother's bond but she held tight to it.

"Not until you go talk to him!" She snapped back. "I didn't drag his ungrateful aft from wherever he was all the way here for you two to ignore each other!" 'Especially because of me.'

'You don't know anything human.' Sunstreaker griped.

"This is between him and me." Sideswipe agreed.

"And what exactly _is_ it between the two of you? How long has it been? And here you are fighting like children because of me! Well, I'll have you know I never _asked_ for this! You don't want this bond, Sunny? Well guess what? Neither do I! I don't even know how Sideswipe can _stand_ you, you're so full of yourself!"

"Aurian!"

"And _you_! You'll let me be the cause of your argument but not the solution? Screw you too." Sliding from the berth, pure anger providing adrenaline where actual strength was lacking, Aurian stormed away taking deep breaths. She hadn't meant half of what she said, really, but she would do anything to get the two of them talking and if it meant making them both angry with her equally then so be it.

"Aurian! Where are you going?"

"I don't know!" She flung her hands in the air, "To find less stressful company?"

"You shouldn't leave the med bay..."

Aurian spun around to face the mech, putting as much anger in her look as she could force past the hurt she was feeling, not only physically but also in her head, her heart, in her soul, "Then _you_ leave." She didn't succeed as a sob broke past her angered facade. "Sides, please, just go talk to him. I can't stand this...feeling. I can feel the stress...the _hurt_ from both of you and it's too much."

"Alright." Sideswipe sighed, yet again he had failed to take into consideration that even though Aurian was alien to them, she was being affected the same as they were. "You're right, I shouldn't have put it off so long. I was just worried about you. I still am."

"I know." Aurian made her way back to the mech. With her anger fading she found she wasn't as strong as she thought she might be, "and I appreciate it. If not for you I'd probably...no, I would be dead. I just can't stand you two being apart, never could. You're twins and you belong together."

Sideswipe knelt down next to Aurian, sweeping her up into one of his hands and drawing her close to his chest. "Don't talk about dying."

Unable to help herself she leaned into the warm metal of Sideswipe's chest, her own heart thrumming in time with his spark. "Sorry."

* * *

Ratchet, having heard the yelling, had come to see what was going on, only to be greeted by the sight of Sideswipe holding the woman that only a short time ago they had been sure they would lose. The way he looked at her, the way he held onto her as though she were the most precious thing to him at that very moment was endearing, though he couldn't help but wonder what repercussions this was having on Sunstreaker.

He watched and listened to their soft words as they spoke to each other, comforting each other.

::Sunstreaker, where are you?:: He couldn't get the nagging feeling out of his processor...

::What do you want, Hatchet?::

::I just wanted to check up on you. I haven't really gotten a good look at you since your arrival.::

::I'm fine.::

Ratchet could see Sideswipe grow tense as he talked to his twin. ::Really? Because I have reason to doubt that.::

::Why is it that everyone else cares about how I am? I'm fine! I don't need someone crawling down my armor every three breems!::

Just as he thought. ::I want you in the med bay in the next joor.::

::What? Why?::

Still Sideswipe grew more uncomfortable and tense and he could see Aurian, cuddled up next to him, was displaying signs of withdrawing. It was clear that Sunstreaker was broadcasting feelings of discomfort and frustration. ::Standard procedure. I should have done it as soon as we got back to base...::

Sunstreaker didn't answer so much as he sent a barrage of noise stating his annoyance but that he would comply. A few more minutes passed before a tentative quarry came, ::Is that human...is she going to be okay?::

::Yes, it seems that she will be just fine. Why do you ask?::

::Why do you think?::

Sideswipe's frame relaxed considerably and it seemed Aurian was going lax in his arms. ::Right.::

Ratchet only stood and watched a little longer, he didn't really want to disturb the two. Even if it seemed Aurian was just fine, she wasn't. He chose not to tell any of them that the anomaly had grown considerably and now there were other inconsistencies throughout her body. What he wouldn't give for one of the science mechs to be here now!

With a shake of his head he turned back to the work he had left to inspect what was causing all the yelling. "Things are never as simple as they seem," he griped to himself.

* * *

Sunstreaker dragged himself from his relaxed place in the sand. Aside from the fact that he now had sand in places it should never be, he felt much better. He wasn't going to tell Ratchet that the news of the woman's expected recovery was a relief to him, the medical officer should know that already; however, he hadn't quite expected it to be _such_ a relief. He didn't care about the human. 'Sideswipe does.' He told himself stubbornly, 'Why can't I just accept that?'

His gears creaked angrily as he made his way toward the base, maybe a visit to Ratchet wasn't such a bad idea.

For a moment he thought of trying to reach out to Sideswipe again, even if he was mad at him he still wanted that connection with his twin. They had been apart for _so_ long that his spark ached with their closeness and yet the distance between them. 'It's because of that human.' He growled to himself, 'Why is she _so_ important to him? There's no way he would have...not without telling me. I would know!' Pausing for a moment in his near stomping progress toward the section of the base the new Autobot medical facility was housed in, Sunstreaker considered the bond between himself and the human. He didn't open it, just explored the connection its self. It was unbelievably familiar, so much like Sideswipe's that he didn't wonder for a moment why he had thought at first it _had_ been his missing twin. Yet it was slightly different, only just, and he couldn't put a finger on _what_ about it was different. For all he could figure it was a sibling bond. 'How does _that_ happen? Even Cybertronians can't _create_ a sibling bond without actually _being_ siblings!'

Moving on he considered the fluctuations flowing through his twin's bond. Sideswipe was feeling contented, though guilty. Sunstreaker decided that he was happier just for feeling a measure of ease from his twin. Even if he was mad at him, he didn't want Sideswipe to suffer.

Reaching the med bay he gently pushed open the door, hoping that the peaceful feeling of his twin represented the mech's much needed recharge; however, he was greeted by something he hadn't dared consider. At least, he hadn't until this very moment.

Sideswipe was indeed in recharge, laying on one of the medical berths in the open space of the med bay with the human curled easily in the crevice of his chest armor, one hand tucked comfortably beneath his armor close to his spark...and they both looked so happy, so...complete...

Turning without a word Sunstreaker left the med bay, simultaneously sending a message to Ratchet that he would come by some other time and another to Ironhide challenging him to a round on the practice grounds.

::What about Sideswipe?:: Ironhide responded.

::He's recharging.::

::You sure your up to it?:: There was a hint of eagerness to the weapon specialists voice. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker may have been his students at one time, but they had definitely grown and developed their own. He had discovered that being separated from Sideswipe for so long had revealed a whole slew of challenges to him when they faced off; he could only imagine that Sunstreaker would be likewise full of surprises.

::More then ever.::

* * *

_Journal entry; sibling rivalry_

_ It's worse than fighting over a girl when it's not 'a girl' as in attraction but 'a girl' as in..well, me! It's not like they completely avoided each other and not every moment was full of tension, but if I were around it quickly turned that way._

_ I did manage to catch the two of them interacting with each other over the next few days during my alloted 'walks' around base...by the way, I DIG the new place!_

_ They were awesome to watch fighting together against Ironhide. I mean, the old man might have had moves and experience on his side and it's not like they won every time - okay, so they probably _lost_ more then they won – but damn they were amazing! And when they did win it was spectacular. I enjoyed watching them. Even when they got into one of their not-so-serious sibling brawls they were fun to watch. It was nothing like the other twins, Skids and Mudflap who struck out clumsily at each other almost just hoping to get a hit in. No, every move was precise, thought out and executed with lifetimes of honed skill._

_ And when they weren't fighting? It didn't matter. They were so fit to one another they could have been the same being in two bodies for all I could tell. They just _knew_ each other so well. Every move was complimented by the other, every action reacted to in perfection even if they were not beside each other._

_ I hated that I was coming between them._

_ Hated. It._

_ With a fiery passion._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Was it okay? ^_~; I know there's even more questions to be answered now. ^_^!**


	40. Journal Entry 40

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~ Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. **http:// www dot allspark dot com/content/tf3treatment/ThreeBoot dot pdf **This is a supposed LEAK of TF3 script. I read it. It was a fun read (for a script) but I don't know how I feel about it as the third movie although I do have to admit there are certain things about it I L-O-V-E-D. I wouldn't mind hearing opinions about it, but no lectures please. -_-; I know there will be people who are extremely displeased with the script but just know I didn't write it, I'm just being a loyal obessee and sharing with my fellow obsessies. K? K. That said~**

_**HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!!**_** I might have to say here; don't expect to see much from me until after the new year...and after that ~I'm SO sorry~ but expect things to be a little slow in the update department. I'm preparing for a HUGE dance show and to say that I'm nervous about it is a sickening understatement. It will be my very first one and it's a BIG DEAL here for dance. If you're in the Central U.S. check out Dance Magic. That's where I'll be. -_-; (Before you ask, I do Belly dance.) Anywho! Thank you my readers for your patience with me, I know it's frustrating when I go from my normal update pace to that of an intoxicated turtle. ^_~**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; avoidance_

_ Well, one thing could be said for Giant Alien Robot VS. Human in the game of hide and seek.; I was small, he was big. There were plenty of human-sized structures that had no clearance for even the smallest of the Autobots and I used that to my advantage._

_ Now, why was I avoiding Sideswipe? Easy. If I wasn't around him, Sunstreaker didn't go off the deep end. It was a simple solution to a situation that more often then not caused more harm than good. Okay, so maybe it wasn't my best plan but it was working and that was my point._

_ I was rather successful in my mission to just disappear...even though I was stuck on this island and there was no way for me to _actually_ disappear. My only fall back was that I was required to visit Ratchet regularly. Somehow all the energon had not torn me up like it should have - weird, huh? So, of course now we had to do test after test after test after...yeah, it went on forever, just to make sure I was not going to just fall over dead suddenly. I kept telling him I felt fine but that seemed to make him want even more tests. Someday I'll just keep my mouth shut!_

_ Ratchet was pressing the issue of this anomaly a little much if you ask me. Before it had been 'to ensure it is causing no harm' and 'whenever you are prepared', while now it was, 'we need to know what it is and how it is affecting you as soon as possible'...um...did I miss something? Still, like Hell I was consenting to the surgery._

_ You know what really sucked about it all though? I missed Sides so damn much..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian sighed again as she looked up at the door before her. She came here every day, at least once a day, and every time it was a game of roulette. Multiple games actually. First there was the chance that she might run into Sideswipe here, or worse - Sunstreaker - and that was something she had been working very hard at avoiding. Then there was Ratchet and his obsession over the abnormality in her chest. She was just counting the days until she walked in and he no longer gave her the choice to walk away from the surgery.

"Waiting isn't going to change anything." She coached herself as she pushed through the door. "Hey, Ratchet! I'm here!" She called out in the most upbeat tone she could manage. It seemed that the better her mood the greater the chance she may escape without the dreaded, 'we need to proceed' talk.

"He's not here."

Aurian froze at the voice. She knew the voice far too well to even think for a moment she didn't know who was now glaring at her. "Hey, Sunn-streaker." She caught the nick name before she could speak it again and it seemed that her small lapse was noticed. Sunstreaker didn't so much smile as he glared a little less at the woman. "Do you know where he is?"

"Shooting range."

"Oh. Why?"

"There may have been some mishap involving Ironhide and some...misplaced, low concussion land mines."

"Misplaced?" Aurian couldn't stop the laughter that exploded from her at the thought. "He know you guys did it yet?" She snickered.

"Who says I had anything to do with it?"

"Don't worry, I won't say anything." Wiping a few laugh tears away, Aurian turned to leave. After all if Ratchet wasn't here then there was no point in her being there either. "Just wish I could have seen it."

She was stunned as images started flashing through her mind. They went quickly at first and then slowly took on a pace she could perceive. Watching the images she saw Ironhide contentedly firing away at automated preset targets, executing precise ballistic maneuvers. As he twisted and turned through his routine Aurian noticed that the ground beneath his feet started shifting in odd ways, popping noises accompanying the strange motions, throwing the large mech off his balance. It looked as though he might have recovered himself but with each new step more rumbling noises growled to life until no matter what Ironhide did he was doomed to fall. All in all it was harmless, nothing but pride dinged by the tiny explosions until one of the preset targets set off a rather heavy round of missiles mere feet from the toppling mech. The missiles weren't lethal but they did cause a good deal of damage upon impact, leaving Ironhide roaring obscenities that, though Aurian's mind was translating for her through the thoughts, she still couldn't even fathom the depths of. "Wow. He's pissed." She marveled momentarily at how she could even receive such images through the bonds she shared with the twins.

"That's an understatement."

"So, you came to tell Ratchet? Why didn't you just call him over the comm?"

"I did."

"Then why are you here?" A sense of anxiety welled up inside her, there was only one other reason she could imagine that Sunstreaker would be in the med bay. "Where's Sides?" Her alarm creeped into her voice.

Sunstreaker maintained his aloof stance, still looking at the woman as though she did not deserve his precious time. "Shouldn't you know?"

"Sides?" She called out to him, seeking his presence through their link. "Where are you?" Looking around the med bay for any sign that the mech might be there Aurian began jogging the length of the room.

'What's wrong?' His familiar reply brought Aurian instant relief; there was no distress in his voice.

"Are you okay?"

'I'm fine, why?'

"Sunny," she turned to glare at the mech as she spoke his shortened name, "wouldn't tell me where you were. He showed me what happened with Ironhide, I was worried."

'That glitch.' Annoyance and acceptance bounced through Aurian - a strange feeling to say the least, but she was pretty sure that she was feeling it from Sunstreaker as well as Sideswipe. 'Where did you run into him? He's supposed to be in the med bay.'

"He is."

'Why are you there?' Aurian felt a 'searching' sensation, as though Sideswipe was actively sifting through her feelings searching for anything that might not belong.

"I was supposed to meet with Ratchet," the sensation spiked almost painfully, "for a check up!" She finished with a small yelp.

'You're alright then?'

"Yeah." She considered Sunstreaker again, the mech was still looking at her though his expression had turned from 'less than worth his consideration' to a mix between confusion and anger. "Why is Sunny here?" The question was asked as much of Sunstreaker as it was of Sideswipe, though neither replied. "Okay, secret. Got it." With that Aurian headed for the door once more. "Bye Sunny, I'll see ya some other time."

"Stop calling me that." He growled in a low, dangerous tone. Aurian was pretty sure he wouldn't actually _hurt her_, but it made her glad she wasn't a Decepticon.

"Just as soon as you see me as more then dirt, I might think about it." She waved goodbye over her head as the door slammed behind her. Out of his sight Aurian allowed her concern to take over. Sunstreaker may be an aft but she still cared about him, for some reason. Peering through the small window in the door to the med bay she could see the mech exactly how she had left him, glaring after her. 'Does he know I'm still here?' She wondered. By the look on his face the answer was resoundingly 'yes', so she gave up on trying to fathom what reason Sunstreaker would have for being there.

Her attention was quickly drawn to a loud voice echoing down the hallway, and with a somewhat amused smile Aurian decided she would be better suited to find some place else to be.

* * *

Sideswipe rolled his shoulders trying to release some of the tension that was building in them. He had hoped that he could catch Aurian before she had left the med bay, he had even rushed halfway across the base just to get there only to find that she had gone moments before he had arrived, and now she was no where to be found. 'Aurian?' It was hard to follow her through the bond, not so much that he couldn't as much as it was that she continually moved and by the time he could catch up to her she had usually ducked into some human building he could not go into. 'Hey, are you around?' Sometimes the woman simply wouldn't answer him and that was beginning to grind on his gears. He knew she was avoiding him, it was hard to miss, but the fact that she was doing it so _nonchalantly_ was aggravating him. It had been over a week since she'd been released from the med bay and given her own quarters in the human barracks, and he had been able to catch her once. _Once_!

'What's up Sides?' There was hesitation in her reply, almost as if she didn't want to reply at all.

Sideswipe considered his next words carefully, if he wanted the woman to come out of hiding then saying the wrong thing would be detrimental. 'Just wondering where you've been the past few days. Haven't seen a lot of you.' Considering that before Sunstreaker's arrival she had been a constant in his life, the lack of her presence was a little unnerving. He understood exactly why she was avoiding him but that didn't help at all. If the two of them would just spend some time together...

'Oh, well, I've been...busy.'

'Busy?'

'Yeah! I mean, with the new base and everything...and the reports that all those higher ups keep demanding since I was there when the other base was...destroyed...' Sorrow overwhelmed Sideswipe. Aurian felt guilt for the other base's destruction and nothing anyone could say would change that. She had _told_ the Decepticons about the base. Even if she hadn't been able to give them an address she had given enough of a description about the location that it had only been a matter of time. 'And Ratchet's kept me pretty well under lock and key since I got here,' she finished lamely.

'Where are you now?'

There was a long pause before she answered, 'I'm...' another moment of pause, 'where's Sunny?' It was more a question full of defeat and acceptance than an attempt to switch the subject.

'In the med bay still.'

'Okay. Where are you?'

Sideswipe couldn't hold back the joy he felt for knowing that she was finally going to come out from under her proverbial rock. 'Outside the hanger.'

'Alright. I'll be there in a minute.'

Even though he was happy, he felt heavy at the same time. Aurian didn't want to come see him? No, she wanted to but she was afraid to because of Sunstreaker. His twin hadn't actively done anything towards the woman to cause her to fear him; however, it seemed that his mere presence could deter her more efficiently then a plasma cannon.

Sunstreaker was much the same, only instead of fear he harbored anger. Any time the human was even _mentioned_ he would instantly fall into silent seething and no matter how much Sideswipe tried to get his twin to at least _talk _to him about why he was so upset, Sunstreaker remained stubbornly silent.

With something akin to defeat he searched out Sunstreaker's bond, wondering how long his twin would be detained in the med bay. Not long.

"Sides?" Aurian questioned from somewhere behind him.

Spinning to see the woman, he was both happy and sad to see her. She was there, pure credit to her desire to be near him, yet she looked nervous and worried. "Aurian!" He tried to act as though he didn't notice her discomfort, though it was hard as her emotions rolled over him through their bond. She was so full of so many different emotions he almost felt he would drown in them.

"Hey, how have you been?" she asked, casually looking around as she came closer to him.

Deciding that she looked far too close to bolting Sideswipe took action. Within seconds he had taken on his alt mode and sat with one door open, waiting for her. "Let's go for a ride," he offered through his speakers.

Aurian only hesitated for a moment before she scrambled inside, her own heart leaping for joy at the closeness being inside the vehicle gave her. This was a place where nothing could get to her, where no one could question her or poke at her or demand anything of her. She was safe here. "I..." she started softly, "I really miss you, Sides."

Instead of answering Sideswipe gunned it, taking off as fast as was safe for the woman he carried. He drove away from all the buildings, further into the island where not too many of the people wandered to. He wanted solitude for the two of them. A few breems that they could be with each other without prying eyes...without Sunstreaker's ever present disdain.

Stopping only when he felt that he had gone far enough, Sideswipe pulled up to a small rise overlooking the ocean. The sun was sinking toward the horizon and the tide was turning and he could feel the appreciation for the sight flutter through his bond with Aurian.

"Sides? Is something bothering you?" Aurian wondered why she even asked. She knew what was bothering him.

"Why are you avoiding me?" He hadn't really wanted to state it so plainly but, now faced with the question, he couldn't think of any other way to say it.

Aurian sighed and leaned back in her seat, noting momentarily how warm it was. "I don't like you two fighting. I know Sunny doesn't like me being around you."

"We're brother's Aurian. Fighting is what we do. You know that."

"Yeah, but not like this. Not like when I'm around."

"That's a load of slag, you know."

"No, Sides, it's not. I can feel it when you two fight about me, it's like there's a wall coming between the two of you. Maybe Sunstreaker has blocked me out, not that I can blame him, but you haven't and I still feel him through you. He hates me, Sides, and you can't deny that."

"He doesn't hate _you,_" Sideswipe growled.

"He hates that you care about me. Yeah, I gathered." Aurian sighed. "I just want you two to be happy. It's not fair that after all this time being separated that now I stand in the way of you being together again."

"Aurian..." What was he supposed to say? She was both right and wrong at the same time. Yes, Sunstreaker hated that Sideswipe cared about a human but he didn't understand all that was entailed. If he just got to _know_ her, he'd like her too. She was bonded to them after all; she was their sister.

They sat in silence for a long time, watching as the sun slowly sank beneath the waters. Aurian curled into her seat just enjoying being this close to Sideswipe. She really hadn't realized how much being away from him felt like something was missing until now, when she felt whole again. His spark thrummed and her own heart pulsed in unison sending contentedness throughout her entire body, relaxing taught muscles and soothing pains she had just learned to live with. Before long she felt the edges of sleep creeping up on her.

"We should head back; Ratchet will be looking for me."

"He knows where you are."

"Oh." What did that mean? Was Ratchet going to be mad? He had forbidden her to go very far after all... "He's demanding you bring me back, isn't he?"

"Maybe a little."

Aurian laughed, "Sides! You're going to get us both in trouble!"

"What do you mean 'going to'?" Sideswipe laughed with Aurian. It didn't matter that Ratchet was continually bombarding him with demands for her return. She was fine and she was happy and that was all he cared about. If he had to stay out here forever...

They both fell back into comfortable silence. The sun had long since gone and the stars shone clearly in the night sky. They looked so strange from here to Aurian. 'Because this isn't home...' she told herself. This was home now, but it would never be the home she had left behind.

Sideswipe felt the sudden sorrow of loss from Aurian, the woman switched through moods faster then he could keep track of, but this he was familiar with. She was missing her family, her friends, everything she had been forced to leave behind. "I'll never leave you," he reminded her softly.

Aurian couldn't help it as she broke into tears. Sideswipe could read her so clearly! Yet, even as she reveled in his pure devotion to the words he spoke, she thought of Sunstreaker. She couldn't let them keep fighting. She was going to have to solve this problem one way or another.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; catch 22_

_ Sideswipe wouldn't let me disappear. Sunstreaker would have liked nothing better. So...where does that leave me? I would like to just tell Sunny where he can shove it and ignore the aft but that would cause problems for Sides, which I couldn't have. I could just continue to avoid Sides which would make Sunny happy but apparently that caused problems for Sides also...I just don't know what to do other then pester Sunny until he either gives in and accepts me or he kills me...one way or the other..._

_ Or I could just go to Ratchet and let him do that damned surgery and take the chance I'll die there. Choices, choices._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**^_^; Like I said...Happy Holidays. ^_^**

**...now, Aurian, how do you get a self centered glitch of a mech to _like_ you?...it's kinda like a 12 step plan... ^_~  
**


	41. Journal Entry 41

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~Yeah, remember that whole thing about don't expect to see me until after the first sometime? Well, okay, I had this in waiting until JE 42 was in the hands of my beta's. Now 42 is safely away to step 2 (step 1 being conferring on an idea with Litahatchee) so I can safely post this with knowing that 42 will be shortly supplied. ^_^; Though I still have to say not to expect rapid updates for a short time. Lots of catching up to do after the holidays.**

A forever thank you and credit for her ideas goes out to Litahatchee and her fic Night Fire. Go read it. It is WONDERFUL and she has permitted me to use some of her ideas in this story.

The term Carrying Hold and the act of carrying the way it is used here both came from the story 'Night Fire' and belong to Litahatchee. If you want to know more about it, read 'Night Fire.' DO NOT USE THESE IDEAS WITHOUT HER PERMISSION!! Please and thank you very much. I am using these ideas with her permission. She's had people 'borrow' her ideas before and use them in ways that...well, to say they were not nice is an understatement. One of those particular stories has been removed. So, as an author myself, I ask that if you like this idea and have any desire at all to use it, then you will need to ask Litahatchee first. Thank you.

Also a forever thank you to FORD B. my beta reader. You make writing easy! And welcome to my new beta reader Eowyn77 from Botosphere! My writing can only improve from this point. ^_~

**I also wish to credit Lady Tecuma, Hearts of Eternity and Karategal for their wonderful inspiration. If you have not yet read any of these authors fics, you should give them a try. They're worth your attention. ^_~**

Any further notes shall be posted at the end of the fic. Enjoi!

_

* * *

Journal entry; heart to spark_

_ There was one thing about Sunstreaker that I knew for a fact. He was an artist. Thinking of that I could kind of understand his perpetual foul mood. Going from creating to destroying, from beauty to unbelievable horrors, from expression to guarded. It had to be frustrating. Once I thought about it I decided that I felt more sorry for him then I was angered with his bad mood. It was Sunstreaker after all..._

_ So, with my growing laundry list of 'things to do' involving the Cybertronians around me I decided that there was no better place to start then with the mech that was causing me the most trouble._

_ Time to grate on someone's gears...kill with kindness I say._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Sunstreaker glared down at the woman. She had dared come into his personal quarters. Granted he shared his quarters with Sideswipe, but his brother was not here right now, making _her_ presence completely unacceptable. "Sideswipe is not here."

"I know." Aurian continued to wander along the edge of the room, staying very close to the walls as she seemed to consider their starkness.

"Then why are you here?"

"To talk to you."

Snorting with disapproval Sunstreaker turned away from the human. She had been displaying the most confusing signals he had ever seen from any living being anywhere. At the beginning, she had avoided him like some encroaching rust disease and he had been just fine with that. He had even seen, much to his own satisfaction, as she avoided Sideswipe simply to placate him. It hadn't been fair to Sideswipe, even in Sunstreaker's processor, but he had hoped that with the absence of the woman, his twin would allow distance to come between them. Faulty processing if there ever was any but he was not a mech beyond hoping.

Now, here she was actively seeking him out. "Why?" He demanded sourly. "I have nothing to say to you."

"I know." Again with that calm, distant voice. It was as though she had a handle on everything and he had control of nothing. It frustrated him to think that this human might have the upper hand over something he wasn't even aware he was participating in. "I know you hate me, Sunstreaker, and I'm okay with that really." No she wasn't but that didn't matter, "I just hate seeing Sides in so much agony over it all."

This was something Sunstreaker couldn't argue. His brother had been more then happy to spend time with him, but Sunstreaker noticed that with each passing Earth day spent away from the woman his brother grew more and more distraught. "You are willing to face me, trespass into my sanctuary, for Sideswipe?"

"Of course!" She even laughed a little. "Why wouldn't I? I mean, I know you hate me but it's not like you'd kill me. Mild discomfort is worth bringing him a measure of peace, don't you think?"

Sunstreaker turned back to the woman. She wasn't looking at him, instead her focus was on a small strip of color that hung on the wall. It was true that through the vorns of war and misplacement that none of the Autobots had much of anything personal to display that wasn't weaponry, or in some cases, science or medical in nature. He thought she looked...sad?

"When's the last time you got to paint something, Sunn-streaker." 'Trying to relate, not annoy...'

"How do you know I paint?" He had been too stunned by her familiarity with this skill of his to realize that she might have just been guessing.

"Didn't anyone tell you?" With this she turned to look at him, all sincerity in her eyes, "I know a lot about everybody. Side effect of my circumstance."

"No. I wasn't told that." Come to think of it, Sunstreaker wondered, why was this human so important among his fellow bots?

"Yeah, well...anyway. I thought maybe you'd like to do it again so I pulled the few strings I have hold of and got some favors. Not to mention I owe half the base chores now..." she sighed heavily, "I got some stuff for you. I can't exactly carry it, too small and all."

"Why would you do that?"

At his accusing tone Aurian found the floor a much better focal point, "I just want to thank you for helping me before. You didn't have to and I know you didn't want to. It's the least I can do...actually it's really the best I can do but that's besides the point. I owe you a lot more then just some canvas and paint. I can't make up for being with Sideswipe while you were away. I can't take back the friendship we have because somehow it turns out that I need him instead of him needing me." She headed for the door, having spilled her emotional guts Aurian was ready to return to her avoidance of the mech. "So, anyway, the stuff is in the supply hanger, whenever you want to go get it."

For a while Sunstreaker stood staring at the portal into his sanctuary that the human had just rushed through. She was reaching out to him? He had given her no indication that he would ever be accepting of her presence and yet...

* * *

Aurian rushed down the hall. She had done what she had gone to do and now she wanted to be away from Sunstreaker before he had the chance to get his wits about him again and tell her how pointless her gesture had been. In truth she didn't really intend it to be anything more then a 'thank you'. She knew she owed Sunstreaker for saving both her and Barricade even when he had clearly not wanted to do anything of the sort. So what if Optimus had ordered him to come back to them after the initial rescue? That didn't matter.

"Aurian!" A familiar voice called out to her.

Aurian was thrilled to hear a friendly voice after having just faced off with Sunstreaker and eagerly turned to face Rob as he came trotting down the hall, "Hey Rob! How you been? Haven't seen you in...a while." 'Not since before the former base had been destroyed.'

"Yeah, I know, that's why I was looking for you. Will and some of the guys and I are having a barbecue out on the beach. We wanted you to join us if you're cleared." The hopeful look in his eyes was all the testament Aurian needed that this wasn't some 'let's make friends' ploy but an honest desire for her presence.

"Okay. I'd be nice to eat some real food anyway." A smile crept onto her face, she really did miss _human_ contact.

"Great! We're gonna start in about an hour, where you gonna be so we can come find you?"

"Oh, I don't know. I'm sure I'll be around here somewhere."

"What? No off-base-adventures planned? Something wrong with you?"

Aurian laughed, "Yeah, I'm a walking disaster zone! Or haven't you noticed?"

"That's not true...you just got more than your fair share of bad luck."

"I think that's the century's greatest understatement, Rob." She sighed with mock exasperation, "You'd probably find me in the med bay. I skipped out on my check up yesterday and Ratchet's gonna be pissed."

"He's still got you under a microscope?"

"Something like that."

Rob studied the woman standing before him. She _looked_ fine, especially for having apparently died for a moment, along with everything else she'd been through. "What's he seeing that we're not?"

"Don't know," she lied. It was that damned anomaly and until she consented to let Ratchet dig around inside her to figure it out he wasn't going to give her any leeway. "He's just paranoid."

"Right." It did not go without notice the way Aurian shifted when she spoke those last words. She was uncomfortable with the subject and there was likely much more to it then she would admit. "Okay, well, either Will or I will come find you."

"Looking forward to it!"

Rob turned and retreated back the way he had come, though at a much more leisure pace. Aurian only waited until he had taken a few steps before she returned to her own trek. She was indeed headed to the med bay, however much she really didn't want to go because she wanted to see Barricade, even if it also meant running the risk of seeing Ratchet.

The mech had not been doing wonderfully well from what she had gathered and Ratchet continued to refuse her requests to see him, stating that his condition was 'not pleasing' to see. He assured Aurian he was doing everything he could do for the mech but refused to promise anything along the lines of his survival.

So, she was headed to the med bay knowing that Ratchet was currently away and would be for at least a few minutes. Not a large window of time for a visit but when it came to Ratchet and his facility, it was the most she was likely to ever get.

Aurian stepped timidly beyond the doors that protected her from the familiarity of the med bay, searching for the mech she could almost not take two steps without seeing. No sign of him, 'I hope I got this timing down or this is going to end badly.' She hurried across the facility to the far side, an area set up for the Cybertronian's version of an ICU, watching for Ratchet or Jolt every step of the way.

Once she was sure that both medical mechs were nowhere to be seen, she turned her attention to the berth she had been forbidden to approach. She could just see the dull gray of Barricade's stripped armor and her heart ceased painfully in her chest for half a beat. "'Cade..?" She whispered softly. She didn't expect any response; beings on the brink of oblivion didn't talk back.

Climbing onto the berth she stepped carefully around the multitude of tubes and wires connected to the mech, all too aware of the plating that still lay open. She looked over his damaged carrying hold with grim fondness. He had protected her in a space that, to Cybertronians, was more sacred to them than perhaps even their own sparks. A chamber specially designed and created for the purpose of carrying their young, their sparklings and for no one or thing else.

"Hey, 'Cade," she greeted the still form, trying vainly to keep her voice from cracking with the emotions she was fighting to hold back, "I'm sorry I haven't gotten to come see you...to thank you. Ratchet kinda thought it might be bad for me to see you like this. Gods, 'Cade...why did you let them do this to you?" She brushed a hand lightly over an undamaged arm panel before she settled down in a rare spot void of anything else. "It wouldn't have been a big deal...I mean..." What _did_ she mean? That he should have handed her over to the Decepticons? That he shouldn't have tried to protect her? That he...what? Should have held true to his Decepticon allegiance? "I'm sorry it came to this. Really I am. If I could have just thought for half a second I could have gotten away and you could have fought back." She sighed as she leaned into the crook of his neck, taking comfort in the sound of his systems still functioning, even if they were struggling. "I saw you, when I was...in a coma? I guess? I saw your alt mode sitting there, barely running and I was scared. I didn't even know who you were, or what you'd done for me but I knew that I wanted you, or that car, whatever, to keep going. You got to hold on, 'Cade. Things will get better. They have to. I mean, it can't rain all the time, can it?" She laughed at her own reference to a rather somber song.

She stayed there for what only felt like a few seconds to her, but in truth had been almost half an hour, just running her hand over the solid metal plating on Barricade's shoulder. She wanted him to gripe at her, call her a parasite like he use to do...just to talk.

"Aurian," Ratchet's disapproving voice startled her out of her contemplations, "have I not forbidden you to be near him?"

Sitting up slowly to be sure she didn't jar anything Aurian turned to face the medic. He didn't look nearly as angry as she thought he would be. "I had to."

"Had to?"

"Ratchet, you above all others know how fleeting life can be," she looked away as she said this, not wanting to see whatever emotion she my strike in the mech, "I couldn't just wait and see if he lived or died. He's a friend and friends don't do that!" Anger and frustration were building inside her, though she had no desire to take them out on Ratchet. "Even if he never knows I came to see him I couldn't live with myself if he died and I had never once come to thank him for everything he sacrificed for _me_." Carefully she pulled away from Barricade, giving the destroyed mech one final look before she moved to get off the berth.

"I've known mechs that have lived thousands of vorns and never once realized that very thing until it was too late." Ratchet offered Aurian a hand, "I'm sorry I kept you from your peace."

"Ratchet, tell me he's going to live?" She was pleading for a promise that she knew Ratchet couldn't give but she wanted so badly.

"We are doing everything we can for him, Aurian. As I have said before." He considered the torn frame before them, "I wish I could say more but I cannot promise what I do not know."

Aurian sighed heavily. "Why not? Just to make me feel better?"

"Because if I did and he faded then not only would you be hurt by his loss but also by my broken promise. That is a lesson that, as a medic, I have learned all too well and will not forsake."

"Right." How selfish was she anyway? Begging him to go against himself just to ease her heart a little? "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You are a good-hearted human, I cannot blame you for wanting what's good...what's right." Moving away from the grim scene, Ratchet went to where he customarily did Aurian's check up. Once more he felt the pressure of the unknown anomaly inside her. "And speaking of what's right..."

"No, Ratchet," Aurian whined pathetically, "not again. I'm going to go have a good evening with Rob and Will, I don't even want to think about it tonight. Please?"

Ratchet was instantly suspicious, "Where are you going?"

"Just to the beach for some fun and a barbecue, that's all."

"That's all?"

"What? You think that mister G.I. Joe and his buddy are going to take me off base? Come on, what more trustworthy people could I be having a night of fun with?"

"True." Ratchet instantly thought of the trouble Aurian had been prone to while in Sideswipe's company. At least if she was with the two military men he knew she would not be allowed any unnecessary risks and they would watch for her health. "At least take it easy. I still do not feel you are fully recovered."

"How much more recovered can I be? I'm breathing, my heart's beating and I can walk, talk and feed myself. It's not like I'm falling down every few minutes or anything."

"Perhaps..."

"Aurian! Let's go girl!" Rob busted into the med bay like he was the guest of honer entering a party. He waved at Ratchet enthusiastically, "We got everything all ready to go; it's gonna be a blast!"

"See?" Aurian couldn't help but smile at the disbelieving look Ratchet was giving them both, "Who more responsible..."

"Don't say anything else." Ratchet dismissed the woman, mumbling to himself about half processed younglings as he fled to his office before he could second guess himself any further.

"Guess it's game on then," Aurian cheered as she leapt from the examination table. "Lead the way!"

* * *

The evening had progressed well enough with much food, music and beer. At first Aurian had sagely declined the offered drinks but as the night wore on her resolve grew weak. What was a beer or two anyway?

They had all had a good time, a game of volleyball breaking out and then dissolving into a rough mix of football and kickball until the ball had mysteriously gone missing. There had been several battles of who could dunk who in the ocean first, Aurian having been subject to several dunkings herself before she had retreated to where a bonfire had been built to stave off the slight chill of the island nights. Here she exchanged lively stories with the soldiers gathered, venturing into tales of the Transformers and fandoms, even mentioning a few oft-created parings between certain mechs which brought as much horror as it did gut wrenching laughter to those around her.

Everyone cheered enthusiastically when the music suddenly grew to near deafening levels as a small car rolled into the center of everything. It took less then record time for people to start dancing. Aurian found herself among them, bouncing happily in time to the beat, rocking her body in ways she had learned through years of dance and fencing, earning herself a few appreciative looks. There were more then a few men who offered to share her dance space and she willingly accepted for a time before she would dance teasingly away only to find another good-natured body to move with.

It wasn't until she came within inches of the musical vehicle that her brain screamed that she _knew_ that car. "Jazz?" The name slipped past her lips before she realized she had any intentions of speaking it.

"Who else? Can't have a good party without good music, now can ya?" The mech's voice roared over the sounds of people having a good time.

"But..." she was confused. Last she had seen the mech she had completed what repairs she could figure to do and he had still lain just as motionless as before, "You're dead!"

"Seems like there was a recall!" He chuckled. It was an infectious sound and Aurian found that she too fell into joyous laughter.

"It's good to see you! I mean, alive, that is!" She leapt onto the vehicle, hugging it awkwardly.

Jazz, much to his credit for never having come across this strange human, did not disapprove the affection and in turn rocked his frame slightly into the embrace, "You too!" He offered. He may not have known the woman before she had been spirited away for a second time by the Decepticons, but he felt strangely akin to her and seeing her alive when she could have easily been destroyed was a relief to his spark. A relief he hadn't known he was seeking.

The party continued for _hours_, Aurian convinced Jazz (with very little provocation mind you) to transform to his bipedal mode and show them 'a move or two'. Everything just seemed to continue crawling up the scale of 'this is awesome' as the night rolled easily into early morning.

Aurian stood with her feet in the water, facing the sun as its obnoxious glow began to consume the horizon. She hadn't felt this good in - she couldn't remember how long.

Then the world tilted violently and robbed her of all senses.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; car lot_

_ So, I remember quite vividly from my weird coma state that I had seen this parking lot, _my_ parking lot, packed full of cars. Not all of them had been of this planet I'm pretty sure._

_ When I found myself suddenly standing back in that same lot I panicked for half a moment. Was this a sign I had fallen back into that coma? But why? How?_

_ No. If this was the same as before I wouldn't remember everything that had happened and I _did_ remember._

_ Immediately I sought out Sideswipe. He was now parked next to the alt mode I had assumed was Sunstreaker and looking at it now I _knew_ it was Sunstreaker. Who else would take such a gorgeously eye catching alt? I mean, most Cybertronians wanted to blend in, not stand out._

_ As I approached the vehicles I got a sense of confusion. It almost felt like I had walked into the middle of a conversation only without words. It seemed that Sunstreaker was annoyed but at the same time beyond happy, and Sideswipe was relieved but distrustful. What was going on?_

_ Deciding I would ask when I saw them again, I reached out to touch Sideswipe; however, the roar of an engine drew my attention and I turned to see the silver Solstice rushing toward me. It was an odd vision because while it appeared he was coming toward me, he wasn't moving at the same time. He was passing through vehicles on his way, yet never coming near them...it was very disorienting. Even as I contemplated this new sensation I felt the car come in contact with me._

_ 'Yo! Think you had a touch too much high grade there lil'lady!' _

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_**Yep. I just did that. ^_^; Don't worry, it's not what you think...or is it? Who knows cause I certainly can't read minds. Or can I? You just never know with me. ^_~; So anyway, hope this wasn't too long in coming to you guys and you all have a wonderful new year! Next entry is currently in Beta1 so it won't be a whole lot longer for it to be posted. After January I hope to return to my usual posting rate. *glares at evil plot bunnies* If they ever let me get a thought out without twisting it around and making it...not what I wanted. You'll understand come next chapter I think.**


	42. Journal Entry 42

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

_**IMPORTANT! The term 'Insularity' as used and defined in this fic is my idea (with help from Litahatchee) please do not use this idea without my permission. I'm pretty free about my ideas but that doesn't mean their free for you to use. This idea was weeks of hard work and brainstorming. If you're interested in using it, ask me. What's the worst that could happen? ^_~! (look for definition of 'Insularity' in the AN at the end of this fic. I don't want to give it away before you read it**_.)

_

* * *

Journal entry; need I say more?_

_ I got wasted and passed out. Ratchet told me to take it easy. Hmm, conclusion? Not good._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

With a pained groan Aurian rolled onto her side. Whatever she was laying on was cold and hard and she didn't like it.

"Finally awake?" The just barely reined in anger was easily picked up by Aurian's all too sensitive ears.

"Unfortunately...what happened?" She didn't dare open her eyes, not only for the fear of seeing the seething anger on Ratchet's face but also for the blinding light she knew was glaring down on her.

"Debauchery," he almost snarled, "What part of 'take it easy' did you not understand?"

Aurian struggled not to groan again at the sheer volume of the medic's voice as it thundered through her aching head. "I didn't really mean to..." she pleaded, "I said no like a million times but they kept offering."

"That is no excuse."

"Peer pressure; it's powerful."

"Aurian, I don't think you're taking your condition seriously." Now he sounded upset. Damn it. Aurian dared to squint one eye open so that she could see what level of 'doom' was about to bear down upon her and was surprisingly disappointed to just see concern. "Your body has suffered a lot over the past Earth months and you need to allow it to fully recover before you run off doing foolish things."

"It was a few beers, Ratchet."

"A few too many. Passing out in the ocean does not count as harmless drinking."

"In the ocean? I don't remember..." 'Oh, wait, sunrise, water...yeah...' "I didn't feel like I was going to pass out."

Ratchet made some exasperated sound and Aurian felt the familiar tingling of his scans. "You're going to stay in the med bay today. I'm not satisfied with your vitals."

"Not...? What? Is there something wrong with me?"

"Your judgement." Ratchet spared her one more meaningful glare before moving on to his next task of the day.

"Ha, ha, very funny. Now what is it?"

"Nothing you need to be concerned with. I would just like to monitor you for the day."

"In other words; you don't trust me to not do something else stupid with my brain all foggy from last nights bender."

"In less graceful words."

"Right." Aurian groaned again as she rolled over, attempting to escape the glare of the overhead lights. "Can't I at least go somewhere more comfortable?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I can monitor you easier from here."

"You're punishing me, aren't you?"

"Perceptive."

"Aft." Curling up as best she could on the large table, a berth usually used for the mechs, she found that her body was compliant with remaining right where she was. Her stomach ached as though she had purged its contents several times already and her head pounded angrily. She shivered against the coolness of the air. Why was it so cold in here? Ratchet usually kept it a comfortably warm temperature.

After only a few minutes of suffering Aurian found herself moved from the table onto a much softer, darker surface and a warm cover draped over her. Peeking through protesting eyelids she saw what looked like a rather large flat surface. It seemed to be raised from the floor as the berths were but it contained tell-tale items that told her it was actually a desk...Ratchet's desk to be more precise and she was lying on a mattress that was set on top of it.

"What happened to punishing me?" She snuggled deeper beneath the cover, praising its warmth as she did.

Ratchet sighed and another tingle ran over her, "It seems you're punishing yourself just fine." Aurian caught the soft sounds of his retreat and thanked his soft spark for this kindness. At least without the glaring lights she felt she could sleep.

* * *

Standing somehow above everything, Aurian found herself looking down into the open chest cavity of Barricade. 'Something's missing,' she thought, the words themselves were simple and without much feeling to them other then curiosity.

"Ve vill look into zhe core." That familiar voice cackled as a tiny mech crawled from nowhere and dived into the openness.

'That can't be comfortable.' Again the thought was void of much of anything other than passing curiosity. 'Wonder what he's going to do?'

Suddenly a pale blue light flared to life and Barricade's body arched up painfully, bending in ways it was not designed to do. A cool, creeping sensation slithered through Aurian as she watched in her mild curiosity. Then red, accusing eyes locked onto her and horrible sounds issued from a mouth that hung open in an eternal scream. "This is all your fault!" his voice boomed all around her, angry and snarling with the accusation.

'Oh.' The curiosity faded as the coolness coiled around her heart, tightening. 'I didn't mean to.' It was still a 'matter-of-fact' thought.

"You let me die!" the the writhing mech accused with a tortured pitch. "It should have been you!"

Now the cool feeling turned to ice, to sorrow and to panic. 'If...if I could change it...I would take your place! I would!' Now she was feeling the coiling panic inside her; it was consuming and terrifying. "I would take your place!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. She tried to reach for the form that continued to twist and contort below her with arms she could not see or feel. She called out to Barricade, begging him to forgive her for causing this to him both in voice and in heart.

She could only watch, though, as she was unable to reach the mech. His armor seemed to bristle, shifting ever so slightly to remind her of the way a cat would fluff in fear, or a dog would raise its hackles with anger. His gaze fixed her with a frozen anger, red fading to nothingness before the whole frame ceased convulsing and locked into its tortured pose, and the small mech from before crawled out of his chest cavity clutching a pale blue light.

"Zhis core is veak. Vorthless. It takes too much energon." He threw the light away from him and it dispersed in the air like nothing more than dust to the wind.

"NO!" Aurian shrieked with anger and grief. That was Barricade's spark...

* * *

"She's fine; it's just a dream," Ratchet assured the other mechs present. He had expected to see Sideswipe as soon as he had heard the woman start to cry out in her sleep but had found himself beyond astonished to find Sunstreaker had come as well.

"It doesn't feel like a dream." Sideswipe growled trying to push past the medic. Sunstreaker stood aside, acting content with the explanation though his spark refused to settle. "It feels like..."

"Like what?" Ratchet knew that Sideswipe was acting on the bond, not on clear processes.

"Like...Scalpel." Sideswipe's efforts to push past ceased. There was no way the demented Decepticon field medic had gotten into the base, let alone the med bay. "It's just a dream." He stated more for himself than for those in the room with him.

"Good." Sunstreaker spoke up for the first time since bursting into the med bay moments before his brother. "Then we can get on with our lives." He turned and stormed back through the doors though his attitude was all show. Inside he felt confused and scared. He knew the fear was Sideswipe's and the confusion his own, but there was more; pain, defeat, anger...guilt. Above everything there was an almost crippling guilt that ate at his spark like nothing he had ever known. He wanted to banish that dark feeling, push it into the same corner he pushed all the emotions he got from that human his brother loved so dearly, but it refused to fade.

Still standing just beyond the med bay doors Sunstreaker was only slightly amazed that Sideswipe had not followed. His twin would likely remain in the med bay until Ratchet let him see that woman, and even then he was likely to stay until she could prove to him that she was alright. "Slag you to the Pit." He didn't want to care. He _didn't_ care. That was what he continued to tell himself as he stormed away from the med bay toward the supply hanger. He needed an outlet.

* * *

Ironhide stretched as he took on his bipedal form. It had been a long flight and a long drive following; he was far beyond ready to work out all the kinks in his gears. He couldn't fault Will for wanting to head home on the weekends to spend some time with his family, especially after moving halfway across the world from them, but he didn't have to like the trip. Optimus still had orders that all human allies were to be guarded at all times, and Will was Ironhide's charge just as Sam was Bumblebee's. Actually, Sam _and_ Mikaela were Bumblebee's. 'How does he keep up with _two_ human youths?' He thought of the rambunctious young Annabelle and knew he was not fit for youths that were socially active.

"Hey, 'Hide?" Will called out, "Thanks."

Ironhide waved off the Major; he didn't need thanks for doing his job. "Enjoy your family." 'You never know what tomorrow may bring.' he thought somberly.

For some reason he found himself dragged down into thoughts of things he missed, not in the normal nostalgic way, but more a gloomy, guilt ridden way. He watched Will retreat into the building he called home where his wife and child awaited him before turning to stroll the length of the 'family farm' the Lennox's resided on. It was a large expanse of space that had little to no traffic so he had few worries about anyone seeing him here. Though he would normally maintain his alt mode as a precaution today he felt the need to walk.

~I would take your place!~

Ironhide froze. It wasn't a thought of his own, it wasn't a burst message or any other from of transmission he was familiar with...it wasn't even a bond communication. ::What?:: He sent the message over the general waves hoping maybe his systems were malfunctioning and he had simply improperly the message.

::Ironhide?:: Optimus was the first, though not the only one, to respond. ::What is it?::

::That's what I wanted to know. Did anyone else get the...data just sent out?::

::What data?:: This was Ratchet, though even through the transmission Ironhide could sense the medic was having a rough day.

::Not sure, just...a message I guess, but it didn't register on any of my formats. It said 'I would take your place.'::

There was a static burst followed by a barrage of noise that had everyone that was receiving cringing. ::That's what Aurian keeps saying!:: Sideswipe finally seemed to gain control of himself.

Almost immediately following Sideswipe's declaration Sunstreaker's more then slightly annoyed voice snarled, ::How are you hearing it?::

::I didn't 'hear' it.::

::Then...:: Ratchet was confused. It seemed the medical officer's processes were already being stretched beyond their limits and now there was another thing to add to the list.

::Like I said, it didn't register on any of my formats. It's some kind of...new...data sharing method.:: He searched his files for the message and found that it wasn't logged anywhere. There was no record whatsoever of it ever having existed other then his memory files echoing the declaration. ::Did anyone else get it?::

There was silence for a long moment, ::I did,:: Jolt finally spoke up almost timidly. ::I thought it was a malfunction.::

::I want you both in for scans,:: Ratchet demanded, ::Ironhide, as soon as you return to base. Jolt, now.::

Ironhide could not stop the shiver that shook through his frame. Ratchet did not sound pleased and a displeased Ratchet demanding scans? That did not bode well for anyone. Shutting down the general band Ironhide opted for a more personal link with one of the younger warrior mechs. ::Sides, is Aurian okay?::

::I don't know,:: the mech sounded at an absolute loss, ::Ratchet says she's just dreaming, and it _looks_ that way.::

::But?::

::It doesn't _feel_ like it.:: There was a short static burst of frustration, ::It's just like the nightmares she had before, about Scalpel, but it feels so much...worse. It's like she's...I don't even know how to describe it 'Hide.::

::What is she saying?::

::I don't know, sometimes I can't understand what she's saying at all. Most of what I do get is 'I would take your place', 'I'm sorry' and 'I didn't mean to'. Whatever it is, she's really upset about. I feel like my spark is breaking.::

::Keep calm and send her good feelings, like you would do with Sunny.::

::If it were Sunny I could just tell him to get over it.::

::Okay, then like someone you _like_.:: Ironhide shook his head slightly. He knew Sideswipe's words were only half true. Yes, if it were Sunstreaker he could tell his brother to just get over it but he would also do whatever he could to help his twin through whatever was troubling him. Dealing with femmes, alien or not, was always a little more complicated.

::I think...:: Sideswipe didn't seem sure he wanted to continue, ::I more than _like_ her.::

::What do you mean?::

::That she's my sister.:: The answer came swiftly and then more hesitantly, he added, ::Or, that I guess she's _like_ a sister.::

::Right. Hence the bond.:: Why didn't he feel like that was the point Sideswipe was getting at? ::Keep me updated will you?::

::Yeah.::

* * *

Aurian lept from the desk, her heart pounding and tears pouring. She had hardly even opened her eyes before she was moving, stumbling with her still-alcohol-weary muscles and her sleep blurred vision.

Fighting with the smaller, human-sized door too long for her aching chest, she whispered soft pleas for it to just _open_ and once it did she did not even spare a look around to see what else was beyond that door. She ran around whatever was in her way, ignoring the startled calls and the moving obstacle that tried to block her way. She knew where she needed to go and _nothing_ would keep her from her goal.

She felt something brush against her back, trying to grab at her but she couldn't be distracted. Her goal was in sight. Hauling herself up with more strength then her sluggish muscles should have been able to produce, Aurian scrambled to the top of the crowded berth. Just as she set foot on the surface, the frame that occupied it arched up, twisting horribly and knocking her from her unsteady perch at the very edge, an unearthly sound filling the air as she fell.

Warmth and darkness enveloped her, breaking her fall before she could make contact with the floor. "Aurian, calm down!" Sideswipe pleaded with her even as complete chaos broke out around them.

Ratchet was struggling with Barricade's thrashing frame, cursing wildly in Cybertronian. Jolt was measuring out a dark liquid preparing to dose the suffering mech.

"His spark!" Aurian cried out, her dream still playing before her eyes, "It's too weak!"

"Ratchet's got it; he'll fix him." Sideswipe tried to sooth the woman he held close to his chest. He tried to bombard her with feelings of confidence but he could not drown out her distress as it beat back at him.

"No," her brow furrowed as she tried to clear her thoughts enough to relay the information she knew was going to be the deciding factor in Barricade's survival. "Energon. He needs more energon..."

Alarms blared as the two medics continued to fight with the uncontrollable frame, almost drowning out Aurian's words but Ratchet had just caught the words 'more energon' and felt cold realization spread through him.

"Jolt! Get the supersaturated energon."

"We don't have much..."

"No time for arguing! Get it!" Jolt vanished for a moment leaving Ratchet to struggle alone, "Sideswipe...if you...would?"

Placing Aurian a safe distance away Sideswipe jumped in to help Ratchet strap down the convulsing mech. "What's going on Ratchet?"

"Insularity!"

Sideswipe's grip on Barricade tightened, "That can't happen!"

"It can and has!"

"He should be deactivated!"

"He will be if Jolt doesn't hurry up!" Suddenly everything was still and silent. Ratchet reluctantly released his grip on Barricade, scanners seeking results that were not forthcoming. "Slag..."

Aurian crept closer, not wanting to believe what the sudden stillness meant. "'Cade?"

"Aurian, get out of here." Ratchet snapped Sideswipe a glare that read more clearly then anything he could have ever spoken and the young mech took the meaning readily.

Turning quicker than he thought he could at that moment Sideswipe snatched up the woman and bolted from the med bay. He had to get her away.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; Insularity_

_ A term I would learn. Something I never dreamed could exist. Its mere utterance can drive dread into the sparks of the hardest of mechs._

_ When two Cybertronians bond their sparks join. They become one, harmonious and a part of each other. Once bound, they cannot separate and are forever one half of a whole...or so I thought._

_ Every now and again - very, very, very, so extremely rare I can't even put enough 'very's' in this sentence to explain how rare it is - two joined sparks _reject_ the other half. It comes from, as Ratchet would explain to me, extreme situations, emotions or actions. It is nothing like simply falling out of love. It is quite literally growing to _hate_ or to be somehow hurt by the presence of the other mate in the bond. In most cases when Insularity happened the bonded pair would die, almost instantly. However, in even rarer cases than the existence of such a thing, a bot can be preserved by administering a special, super energized, or supersaturated form of energon to support the survivor's spark._

_ It's not the same as Sparkshock, as there is still a connection between the two sparks somehow. It's an actual shift in polarity and scarring of the bondeds' sparks, causing the two to become unable to join and to actually repel the other half. If one of these Insularities should die, the other would too just as in any bonded pair. However, from the point of Insularity on, should they survive, they can never join with another spark. Ever. And for the remainder of their existence they would require infusions of this supersaturated energon from time to time to support the lack of union with another spark._

_ Basically what it all came down to was that Barricade was alone. Alone and in trouble._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**DON'TKILLMEDON'TKILLMEDON'TKILLME!!! I *promise* I have NO intentons of letting Barricade die! Now on to the promised deffinition:**_

***Insularity** ~ a VERY RARE occurrence when two bonded sparks become unable to unite; repelling one another physically. It is _not_ 'falling out of love'. Two bonded bots could still 'love' each other but due to circumstances of extreme actions, trauma, situations or emotions causing the two to no longer be 'as one', making it impossible for them to remain near each other for any length of time; an almost polar opposite to the normal spark reactions of a bonded pair. They do not separate back to their original state but instead remain as one half of the other and incomplete without the other spark. Most cases of Insularized sparks die instantly due to the trauma caused. Survivors are extremely rare and must be supported through infusions of supersaturated energon as their sparks can no longer join. The sparks themselves become duller in color, scared and can NEVER bond to another spark. If one Insularity dies, the other of the pair will also die just as in normal Sparkshock.

**Any further questions on Insularity (Insularities; Insularitized) feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer them satisfactorily. Again I mention that this idea is the product of WEEKS of agonizing to create something in a TFverse that accepts sparkbonds as forever and keeping it non-humanized but still allowing us to relate in some way.** **If you like it and are interested in using this idea, ask. Kthanx!**


	43. Journal Entry 43

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**~~~Heheheh...check this out. Seriously. **http://www **_dot_** facebook **dot** com/home **_dot_** php?ref=home#/photo **_dot_** php?pid=4893037&id=747392558 **This is a friend of mine's bus that she actually drives here in Middle Of Nowhere~Prarie Addition (Kansas for those of you who arn't familiar with 'middle' of nowhere ^_^) Yep. Kids ride this bus every day. How awesome is that?**

**Okay, on to the 'how's it goin' and all. I'm writing, I swear! I really am. It just seems there's something in the way. -_-; Not exactly writers block because I have IDEAS coming out my ears (it's kinda gross actually) but it just seems like my time has gone missing. If you find it, please return it to Faecat at P. Middle of Nowhere, Prarie Addition**.** Kthanx!**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**IMPORTANT!** The term 'Insularity' as used and defined in this fic is my idea (with help from Litahatchee) please do not use this idea without my permission. I'm pretty free about my ideas but that doesn't mean their free for you to use. This idea was weeks of hard work and brainstorming. If you're interested in using it, ask me. What's the worst that could happen? ^_~!

_

* * *

Journal entry; distracted_

_ Sideswipe took me away, I really didn't know where because in my mind I was still seeing Barricade's motionless body...and those dark eyes from my dream..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Sunstreaker had gone to the supply hanger and retrieved a container that held the things Aurian had apparently haggled to acquire for him. After examining some of this planet's available resources he had not expected much of anything, but at the time he had gone looking for _anything_ to help distract him from the pangs that kept assaulting his spark.

Back in his quarters, he had opened the container and found more than he thought he could have even bargained for. There was rather decent sized roll of material that humans called 'canvas'. It was a widely used material for anything from housing to clothing but here he had found a large (well, large for humans) amount of it that had yet to be purposed for anything. Unraveling it he found that the quality was rather high and the material pristine. It was a perfect blank slate for him to create an image upon, which brought him to the next items of interest.

Humans used a rather basic paint, not as functional or high quality as what he use to be able to get on Cybertron...but then, he _couldn't_ get that anymore now could he? The paint the human woman had managed to come up with was as good as it was going to get on this planet, and he found that even he couldn't complain. It was smooth, rich, and vibrant. How she had acquired it in such large quantities (again, in human measurements) he couldn't really understand.

There were a few other items; things that would allow him to stretch out the canvas properly, a flat strip of metal to place and mix the paints on and some cleanser, but the completing factors in this well-thought-out collection were three...items...that had been modified somewhat to accommodate the paint and canvas. They were just big enough for his hands, which weren't large or small by Cybertronian standards, and had been fitted with some kind of organic substance that would allow him to manipulate the paint in various ways. These were not quality items by Cybertronian standards and probably would not last very long, but the effort had been made.

After examining the items provided to him by the human as a 'thank you,' he set it all up with every intention of putting it all to at least some decent use...and couldn't.

His processor was blank, unresponsive to his requests for inspiration. So, deciding that he just needed to walk it off he had turned to the outer most sections of the base for some solitude and contemplation.

At first he had strolled the beaches, he did find the horizon something worth studying, but still no inspiration. Moving past the beach he wound himself through a line of trees that divided the beach and ocean from a small inland lake, obscured from the beach but not completely blocking it out. There he had been alone for a short time studying the way the ocean and sky looked through the foliage.

He had found himself somewhat annoyed to see Sideswipe headed toward him, a deeply concerned look on his face, and had assumed his brother was coming to lecture him, yet again, on how he should care more about this human woman. Then the mech had stopped, the very cause of all the tension between the twins curled in his hand, clinging to him as though the world might vanish if she were to let go. For a moment Sunstreaker was infuriated by this sight, he had no real rational reason as to why, and was prepared to tell his brother exactly what he thought of this display through their bond when the absolutely sparkbreaking sound of a soft, terrified voice drifted to him.

"Is he going to die?"

Five simple words. Not a one of them complicated or complex and yet, by being strung together in such a way, had the weight of an entire world placed upon them. The fact that he could _see_ the agony in the human as she silently pleaded for Sideswipe to say 'no', for him to promise that Ratchet would save 'him', whomever that might be, to tell her that life was not so easily extinguished, unnerved him.

"I don't know." With those words, so very true and so very unwanted, Sideswipe had allowed the reality of it all to sink its predatory claws into Aurian's very soul and rip away the innocence that was the ignorance of war.

"I've never seen anyone actually die before," she whispered with shaky breath, "I've _seen_ dead people, and I've heard about deaths...watched them in movies but movies aren't real..."

"Never?" Sideswipe asked, surprised. It took right until that moment for Sunstreaker to realize just how common death was for him, for them; the Autobots.

"Uh-uh." It seemed as though with that admission a barrier broke and Aurian's sobs echoed loudly through the openness of the beach and into the tightly wound trees in which Sunstreaker was observing, "I don't want him to die! It's not fair; he saved me! How can it be that someone can do so much and then just...die?"

"It isn't fair," Sideswipe agreed, his spark twisting with the raw emotions Aurian felt. Sunstreaker could feel the echoing pain of both their suffering bombarding him through his twin's bond, and his own building on top of that. "It's life." What more could be said? Or done? There was no way the way things were could be changed.

Sunstreaker looked on, torn. On the one hand he wanted to be rid of the human and all the emotional ties that leaked through their bond. He wanted it to be just him and Sideswipe, the way it had _always_ been. Yet...things changed. He knew that.

On the other hand, as he stood there eavesdropping on his brother and the human, he came to a startling realization. That tiny, fragile creature was representative of the innocence their race no longer possessed. She had not yet been hardened by war and still held a certain hope, a love for life, that he could no longer feel.

Tentatively he opened the bond between himself and the human; he wanted to _feel_ that pain, that desperate clinging to hope as that very innocence threatened to be torn away. He had been so obsessed with himself, how violated he felt by having this new connection intruding on what was his and his twin's alone, that he had not for one moment thought that perhaps he _needed_ it. Like Sideswipe needed it. Like she needed it.

Even as the pain seared away at him, he embraced it; pain he could handle. The begging, the pleading for everything to just be okay, that was what got to him. This was no mask of false pretense, no faking a way of being to get into the spark of another being for their own benefit. This was honest, a genuine hope for something to come and fix all that was wrong with everything. A younglingish hope, something any living Cybertronian at this point knew would do no good but this woman clung to.

Without realizing it Sunstreaker took a step toward the pair; he wanted to offer some comfort or shield the woman from all that was hurting her. A second step brought him dangerously close to revealing himself beyond the protection of the trees and reminded him that he was there without their knowing. Closing his optics and reining in his own emotions, he turned away and left his brother to tend to the human. He had other things to do.

* * *

Jazz watched as the golden twin escaped the tender scene between his brother and the human femme. He knew Sunstreaker held some pretty deep animosity toward that particular human, though Jazz was almost positive it wasn't really the _human_ he was displeased with. Even as he saw the retreating mech leave he caught a very telling motion. Aurian's sobs had reached a pained crescendo and Sunstreaker stumbled in his departure.

::Sides, ya got this under control?:: He hadn't really intended to spy on the pair; it just kind of happened. Something about vorns of profession welded into his processor made it more reflexive than habit. He'd actually come after them when he had seen the young warrior mech tear out of the base like Megatron himself were the cause.

::Jazz? Where are you?:: Sideswipe was looking around as best he could without alerting the femme he held.

::To yer left. Ah jus' wanted ta check up on ya.:: He stood in the open so Sideswipe could easily see him and waved, ::She okay?::

Sideswipe looked to the femme, one hand gently rubbing her back trying to offer what little comfort he could. ::I don't know. Is...Barricade...::

::'Cade? What about 'im?::

::He...Aurian's afraid for him. He went into deprivation, she saw it.::

::Oh, man! Rough. But, Ah thought Ratch an' Jolt were fixin' 'im up. Wha happened?::

Sideswipe looked back to the smaller silver mech still quite some distance away from them. Was it his right to share such deeply personal information about the mech? ::Insularity.::

Jazz was gone almost before the word had finished rolling through the transmission. Insularities didn't happen. They just _didn't_.

Speeding through the base with a mix of creation talent and programmed skill, the small mech found himself in front of the med bay doors in less time than it would take any normal mech to walk from one end of the hall to the next. He wanted to just slam through the doors to see for himself what was going on beyond, but if what Sideswipe said was true...it took a lot to stabilize an Insularized spark. Any disturbance might mean the end for Barricade. So instead he pushed the door open as gently as he knew how and slid into the med bay to observe.

Ratchet and Jolt were completely unaware of his presence and continued their crucial efforts to support the spark of the desiccated mech between them. Jazz watched with a mix of fascination and despair. Barricade looked deactivated, there was no light emanating from his exposed sparkchamber, yet the actions of the two medics indicated that there was some hope of survival.

Jazz wasn't like most of the other Autobots who only saw the Decepticon Barricade was. He saw a life, a being worth something and even though the mech had been an enemy and could still be one, he didn't have it in him to hope that his spark would simply fade. Jazz considered himself a good judge of character and, assuming his judgments hadn't been corrupted by being deactivated for a few months, Barricade's character showed great promise.

There had been a saying he'd heard once, before the war had consumed all their morals and trust; Strength is not standing before the crowd and cheering for the mass, it is standing within the crowd and realizing that you do not belong. Perhaps Barricade had realized he did not belong.

Jazz watched, hardly daring to allow a single gear to turn or to allow his intakes to vent until Ratchet finally stepped away, a grim look on his face.

"That's the best we can do." He informed his apprentice, "Go get some recharge, Jolt. We'll have to keep an eye on him."

"Right." Jolt vented heavily. It was clear that he did not relish in the idea of long observation shifts, but it being just the two of them, there wasn't much help for it. They were already both exhausted and stretched beyond their own means, but neither would allow that to rob them of their patient. At least they only had one now. "You'll alert me?"

"Yes."

With one final shared look the two medics split ways, Jolt toward his quarters and Ratchet to clean up after the chaos.

Jazz waited until it seemed everything was calm again before approaching the worn medic still in the med bay. "Hey, Ratch..."

"Jazz!" Ratchet spun to face the small spy, startled by his presence, "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?" Before Jazz could offer any answer, Ratchet was scanning him, "You appear fine."

"'Cause Ah am!" Jazz shook his head. He never ceased to be be amused by Ratchet's medic-first, mech-second nature. "Sides told me 'bout 'Cade. Thought Ah'd come see if it was real."

"He told you?" It seemed Ratchet didn't know whether to be doubtful or displeased.

"Insularity?"

A fierce scowl instantly overtook the medic's features, "Yes. Seems I need to speak with Sideswipe about confidentiality."

"Eh, don't be so hard on 'im. He was tryin' ta deal with Aurian. She's pretty upset."

"I wish she hadn't seen that." Ratchet's tenseness faded, draining out of him as though there simply was no energy to maintain it. "Barricade went into deprivation right in front of her. It seemed she knew something was wrong before even our monitoring systems had. Even with toxins still altering her perceptions."

"That so? That femme's really somethin' else."

"That statement belittles the truth of the matter."

"How's that?"

Ratchet shook his head and returned to his previous task. "Nothing."

"An' Ah'm forged from aluminum." Jazz pressed himself into a space beside Ratchet that would force the mech to either move away, or stop doing what he was doing due to Jazz's proximity. "What's goin' on Ratch? Somethin' wrong with that lil'femme?"

"No." At least, nothing that could be defined as 'wrong' just yet.

"Why don' Ah believe ya?"

"Because you don't know when to take a hint and evacuate before you find yourself back on one of these berths." Ratchet was really too tired to deal with the too-slick mech. Of any of the bots Ratchet had ever known, Jazz was the one who could slip information from the tightest of processors without the other bot even knowing. He knew to watch his words and knew he'd already given away too much. "There is nothing 'wrong' with her, Jazz. I just find some of her actions...unusual."

"Yeah." Jazz had to agree the femme was different than the other humans he had the pleasure of meeting so far but she was what they called 'civilian' or non-military so he couldn't be sure if that was the cause for her peculiarity. "Anyway. He gonna live?"

Ratchet couldn't stop his head from turning toward Barricade. Jolt had just barely returned with the supersaturated energon in time, and he was afraid that irreversible damages had been done but the mech was still active for the time being. "As long as there are no major events in his condition, he will recover."

"Good ta hear. If ya don' mind, Ah'll share th' news."

"No, I don't mind. Not this time. Though I wouldn't make any promises."

"Right." With a respectful nod, Jazz left the med bay to seek out Sideswipe and his distraught charge. ::Hey, Sides! Good news!::

* * *

Sunstreaker stared at the canvas. He had set it on a shelf built for personal items against a bare wall in his quarters and lashed out at the material with the brushes and paint until he had created something and now he didn't know what to think of it. Considering the dripping paint on his current brush he wondered if there needed to be more or not.

He had been fueling his creativity off of the human's strong emotions. They were so pure and raw that he had lost himself to them and allowed them to drive his hands as he wielded the tools created for him across the canvas, only stopping when the emotions finally faded giving him peace and some rational evaluation. The creation had come out...disturbingly beautiful and he couldn't help but to be proud of it, yet it lacked _something_.

As new emotions filled the bond between him and Aurian, Sunstreaker set the brush back to work. He wasn't sure if he liked that he was able to pull inspiration from the human or not. 'At least she's good for something,' he thought to himself.

* * *

"Absolutely not." Jolt stood firm with his arms crossed over his chest.

After discovering that Barricade was stabilized, Aurian had begged Sideswipe to take her back to the med bay so she could see him. Sideswipe had refused on the grounds that he would look no different and that she didn't need to see him like that. Aurian was far more stubborn than that and had argued for quite some time with Sideswipe on the matter until she had finally 'caved' and gone to her room, where she had waited until the mech was well on his way toward his own quarters and then snuck off to the med bay. There she had come to her second blockade. Jolt was not allowing her passage. "Please, Jolt! Just for a minute? I just want to see him."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because it will do nothing for either of you and because Ratchet specifically said _no_ visitors."

"But..."

"No."

"Jolt!"

"No."

"You can't..."

"I can."

"Damn it, let..."

"No."

"It's rude to..."

"I don't care."

"You suck!"

Jolt couldn't stop the smirk that took over. He was rather enjoying himself arguing with the human. She was so...expressive. "I do require a certain amount of vacuum for my systems to intake air for the purpose of cooling several systems, among other things."

"That's not what I meant!"

"I know."

"Why are you being like this?"

"Like what?"

"You're being an aft on purpose."

"I am doing no such thing. I am simply doing my job. Now, you are long past your recharge interval. Return to your quarters."

Aurian glared at the blue mech before her, "Did you just tell me it's past my _bed time_?"

"In your terms, I suppose I did."

"You...you are..." Aurian's mind spun relentlessly with the many different options she currently had, several of them ending poorly even in her mind, but a plan was quickly coming together. She smiled politely, "Alright."

Jolt watched the human turn and begin a leisurely stroll down the hall. "I expect not to see you at all tonight," he warned.

"You will not see me, I promise."

Something about the way she said that left Jolt feeling that he was missing something very important.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; challenge not the stubborn minded_

_ Jolt was not going to let me in. I wasn't going to stay out. So how was this going to end? Yeah, pretty much like that._

_ I waited several hours, napped a little, then headed back. I knew Jolt would be waiting for me to come in through the main doors, but what he didn't know was that I was well aware of the entrance through the human medical wing. Poor Jolt. I did feel a little guilty because Ratchet was sure to find me when he came for his shift...but they were both idiots if they thought I wouldn't find a way._

_ Barricade...Gods...Barricade. He looked the same as he had for the most part but there was just _something_ that made my insides cramp up in ways that I didn't think was natural. The __addition of lines that glowed with a dark purple light was enough to remind me that he was in serious trouble. Of course at that time I had no idea what Insularity was...if I had known, maybe I would have acted differently._

_ Instead I sat with him, spoke to him and told him that I would come and see him every day, no matter what Ratchet or Jolt or Sideswipe said. They were trying to do good by the both of us, I knew that, but it didn't matter to me. Who else would be there for him?_

_ When Ratchet finally did come I made an attempt to not be seen until after Jolt left, at least save the mech a lecture until after he'd had a good recharge cycle...yeah, not so lucky. The first place Ratchet came was to check on 'Cade and he picked me out quicker than a cheetah on the hunt. He didn't say anything to me, not a single word. Just looked at me, spun around, grabbed Jolt by the shoulder plating, and pointed._

_ "What the slag?" Jolt...you could have thought of something better to say, really._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**A bot heavy chapter, yes. ^_^; Figured we needed some insight on Sunny, and a little 'what's up' with Jazz. Hope this is all to your liking. If not...well, we'll be returning to your semi normal programing next chapter...'semi normal'. Keep that in mind.**

**Also a quick note on the 'Insularity' of Barricade from the last chapter. I failed to bring up (or clear up or whatever) that Barricade had already had a sparkmate in the past and they had already become Inularitized, however the lack of support with the supersaturated energon is what caused him to have this particular episode. ~Deprivation~ Is the lack of proper energon supply, it can happen in any bot however it varies depending on the bot's needs. Clearer? I hope so. If not! Ask questions. Regarding 'Insularity' (Insularitized; Insularization, ect.) or 'Deprivation', I will answer any questions as strait forward and completely as I am able. ^_^;  
**


	44. Journal Entry 44

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.

_

* * *

Journal entry; the games we play_

_ It seemed every able body on that fraggin base had it out for me! I mean, at every turn _someone _was calling me out. It would have been annoying if I had something better to do than to try and outmaneuver them. That, and I had a promise to keep anyway._

_ Ratchet was always the toughest. That mech had a sixth sense for my presence, I swear! How did he _always_ know? It seemed it didn't matter if I hid or not, he could always pick me out within seconds of his shift. He was not amused to say the very least. I stopped trying to visit during his shifts, but that didn't mean that I always got away before he came around._

_ Jolt, poor mech, took the brunt of Ratchet's temper any time the medic found out I was there, or had been there. Though I was starting to get the sneaking suspicion that he was enjoying this little game of catch-me-if-you-can. Somehow I think he was actually testing out his own little theories and experiments..._

_ Ironhide even got in on it from time to time, and if he saw me in the hallways anywhere near the medical wing, he would simply pick me up and carry me off. Sometimes I wasn't even headed there! But...well, I guess my track record didn't hold up to my claims of innocence. Oh well, at least he was good company when our paths crossed._

_ Sideswipe was by far the most successful determent to my routine visits. He stopped trying to rationalize with me after the second day; he realized that it just didn't matter to me how much my visits did nothing for Barricade and only served to depress me, I was going to go. So instead, when he wasn't on duty, he would fill my time with other things – a speedy drive around the island, trips into the wooded areas to search for wildlife (by far my favorite activity) or simply enjoying each other's company while watching the goings on around us. I could almost forget about Barricade and his horrible condition when I was with Sides..._

_ Jazz...now, that was a mech I was still having some trouble figuring out. Sometimes it seemed he was on the team of keeping-me-out while other times he acted on my behalf. He was great fun to hang out with when I got the chance, so lively and just...I don't even know how to describe him! Almost as if he just didn't fit the whole 'war' scenario, yet at the same time seemed more dangerous and battle-savvy than the worst of them. He was everything my fandom had taught me he was and more. Let's just say I was thrilled to have him back...I mean, alive...cause I guess I had never really 'lost' him since I hadn't _actually_ known him before his death._

_ Sunstreaker...what do I say? I hadn't seen much of him. I kept getting the feeling that I was a little closer to him though. Like, maybe he despised me a little less. The mech sure was a pro at not being wherever I was though._

_ Now, on the human end of things there was Will, Rob and about a dozen others who would tag team me throughout the day dragging me here or there to distract me. Now, don't think I didn't appreciate that I was no longer the 'black sheep' of the base because I did, but sometimes there's such a thing as TOO much attention._

_ Needless to say by the end of the second week I was completely exhausted from all of the planning, plotting and scheming. Sometimes you just had to cut your losses and know when to lock your door. I'm just glad my personal room _had_ a lock on the door._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian laid on her back staring up at the ceiling. It was a bland, blank, nothing-to-be-seen-here kind of ceiling that prompted nothing but sleep and boredom. She had slept in today, it had been a long night trying to get into the med bay for her daily visit, and she had failed miserably. 'Funny how when I _don't_ want to be there I can't get out and when I _want_ to be there I can't get _in_!' The thought was amusing even if it was annoying.

Rolling onto her stomach she snuggled deeper beneath the blankets. She just didn't feel like getting out of bed today and suspected that it might be a good idea to just ignore the world outside. It just felt like one of _those_ days. Of course, the world outside wouldn't be ignored so easily...

"Aurian!" The pounding on her door was demanding attention. "I know you're in there, get up!" Will had been there several different times today, each time a little more demanding. Still Aurian ignored his demands. "I will get someone over here to unlock this door!"

Stifling a snicker at how 'fatherly' Will sounded, Aurian shuffled until her head was buried beneath every inch of pillow and spare blanket she could. 'He's nothing if not persistent,' she thought briefly.

More pounding, and this time Aurian thought maybe the door might cave to his demanding fist. "You're not still sleeping! Get up!"

Wasn't it Friday? Didn't Will usually go home for the weekends? Why was he wasting time beating at her door?

"I'm not going away!"

Could he read her mind? Whatever, it didn't matter. Stubbornly ignoring the continued demands Aurian found that she was able to tune Will out and resume her not-sleep. Although, in hind sight perhaps that hadn't been the best idea...

Aurian yelped loudly as she found herself yanked from her warm cocoon by several strong hands. Looking up she saw Will front and center glaring at her, 'Is he smirking?'

"You should really answer your door when you have visitors." Will glanced at the two men holding Aurian up, "You know what to do, boys. Get to it."

"What?" Aurian struggled against the two men as they started hauling her from her room. "What the Hell, Will? What's going on?"

"Doctor's orders," he waved as she was dragged off.

"What?" Looking at who her captors were Aurian found herself disturbed by the identical smirks on both men's faces. She knew them in passing, not people she had come to know well yet but people she knew well enough to know they meant her no harm. "Guys, what is going on?"

"You heard the major; Doc's orders." One of the men stated flatly.

"Right," agreed the other. "Best if you just come with us."

"Come with you _where_?" Aurian was very displeased to be dragged about the base while still in her sleeping clothes, and she was thankful they were at least publicly decent. "And which Doctor's orders are you following?"

The first man raised an eyebrow as he turned to look at her. "Who else?"

"I'm going to kill him." She gave into the leadership of the two men, realizing that she had no hope of getting away from them. That is, until they exited the building and headed toward the base's airstrip. She planted her feet, giving the men pause for only the briefest of moments, "Where am I going exactly?"

"On leave." A familiar voice rumbled as a dark shadow overtook them all. The two men released Aurian, saluted the mech and left her to her fate.

"On what?" Aurian looked up at Ironhide. She could try to run, but that would be pointless.

"Leave. Ratchet has decided that the best thing for you right now is to remove you from 'stressful situations'."

"Stressful?" There was only one thing she could think of that could be considered stressful to her, "What's wrong with 'Cade?" She moved as though she intended to go see for herself but Ironhide would have no such thing.

"The 'Con is fine," he snarled as he plucked her from the ground, "and that is exactly the reason you're leaving. You worry too much about him."

"Too much? Ironhide, how can I be worried 'too much' for someone who was literally torn apart to save my insignificant life?"

Ironhide raised Aurian to a point where he could sufficiently glare daggers at her, "You life is hardly 'insignificant'."

"Says the mech who wanted to dispose of me when I first showed up."

"That was before I knew you."

"Amazing what a little bit of knowledge can do, isn't it?" She wasn't sure why she was being so snippy with him, but she got the feeling that she was getting to him. "At least let me go say 'good-bye'."

"There's no time for that."

"What? No! I'm not going anywhere unless I get to say good-bye!" Another thought occurred to her, "And where's Sides? I can't just go without telling him."

"He's currently being debriefed for a mission. He will be busy for several hours." Ironhide began walking toward the waiting plane.

"'Hide," Aurian kept her voice calm and quiet, "if you put me on that plane before I say good-bye to 'Cade, I'm going to find you while you recharge and _rip out_ every weapon I can get my hands on." She was proud of herself for the hesitation in the large mech's steps.

"Why are you so set..."

"What if he dies while I'm gone?" Now was the time to _make_ the weapons specialist understand. "I'm not a child, 'Hide, I know he's not doing great and that he could die any moment and then where would I be left? Knowing that I was somewhere living it up while he just faded away and I never said good-bye? I don't care how unimportant you think 'Cade is; he deserves a good-bye at least."

Ironhide considered the woman and the people that were scrambling around the aircraft. The engines were warming up, it would be time to leave very soon. "Will!" He spotted the human approaching them at a quick clip, "It seems there will be a little bit of a delay."

"What? Why?" The man shouted to be heard over all the noise going on around them.

"I'm not going anywhere without saying good-bye!" Aurian shouted in return.

Ironhide knelt to put the two humans closer together so they might speak easier, "She has a rather convincing argument."

Will nodded in seeming understanding, "Sides?"

"'Cade," Aurian corrected.

Will thought for a moment to argue but the look on Aurian's face spoke all that he needed to know. She was afraid that he would die. "Right, make it quick." He turned to inform the crew that they would be delayed a few minutes, leaving Ironhide to deal with the stubborn woman.

"Does Sides even know I'm leaving?" Aurian turned an accusing look on the large mech; she had the suspicion that this had been planned 'under the radar' so to speak.

Ironhide easily ignored the woman's look as he made his way back to the medical wing. He didn't run but he made his pace quick. "Has he said anything to you?"

"No."

"Then I guess he doesn't."

"'Hide...this is not going to go well, I hope you realize that."

Ironhide stopped in front of the medical wing entrance. "I do." Though he was pretty sure he was thinking of a different 'this' than Aurian was. He sighed heavily, ::Ratchet, you've got a visitor.:: He entered the hallway, slowing to a much more leisurely pace.

::Who? Why? And now is not a good time.::

::Who do you think, the same reason as usual and now is the only time,:: Ironhide countered.

::I thought you were escorting her off base, not to my med bay.::

::She wanted to say 'good-bye'.::

Ratchet didn't respond right away, an indication that the medic was thoroughly frustrated. ::Now?::

::Now.:: Ironhide pushed through the doors to the med bay, fully bracing for anything that might be thrown in his direction.

Ratchet only spared them a second long glare before resuming his work on a less then pleased looking Sunstreaker.

"Sunstreaker?" If Aurian had thought for even half a second she would have kept her mouth shut.

At her call the young mech looked up, leapt from the examination table he had been sitting on and turned to leave. If it weren't for Ratchet's quick hand he might have made it, too. "What are you doing here?" Sunstreaker demanded as he was hauled back to the table.

"Why are you here?" Aurian struggled in Ironhide's hand to be let down. Her concern for Sunstreaker overriding anything else she may have been thinking at the time, "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Sunstreaker growled, though whether it was at her or at whatever Ratchet was doing Aurian wasn't sure. "I'm fine," he snapped. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Aurian continued struggling with Ironhide, who was stubbornly keeping hold of her. "Being kidnapped," she stated blandly, "Because _somebody_ ordered it." She stopped fighting to fix Ratchet with a glare of deep promises of retribution to come.

Ratchet did not miss a beat, nor did he acknowledge the glare he was receiving, "It is for your own good."

"You couldn't have at least _told_ me? No. I have to wake up to being kidnapped from my room by a bunch of tight-mouthed brick walls. Thanks Ratchet. I appreciate that."

"Perhaps if you had not been up all night trying to get into places you should not be you would have woken up at a decent hour and would have been informed when the decision was made."

"If you jerks would just let me visit then I wouldn't have to sneak in at all odd hours of the night."

"We are simply looking out for your well being."

Aurian was caught. What come back could she have for that? She sighed, "Whatever. If I'm going to be hauled away then at least let me see him before I go."

At this Ironhide finally relented and placed the woman on the floor so she could go see the cause of all this riot; he glanced at Ratchet to be sure the medic had no objections.

Ratchet only gave him another glare, though this one was not of anger, merely concern. "Make it quick." His optics tracked the woman's path to where Barricade was sectioned off from the rest of the facility.

Though Ironhide was displeased with her determination, he really found he could not fault the woman for her dedication to the mech. Decepticon or not he had practically given his life for hers – a very un-Decepticon thing to do.

::Why did you bring her here?:: Sunstreaker demanded, a fitting glare pointed at the weapons specialist. ::You of all mechs shouldn't be encouraging her to get close to the 'Con.::

::I don't encourage it.:: Ironhide shifted his optics from where the woman had vanished to where Sunstreaker sat, though he met Ratchet's optics instead of the younger warrior's, ::I just couldn't deny her any final farewells.::

::We could only be so lucky.:: Sunstreaker nearly leapt from the table again as Ratchet pulled something a little too roughly.

::Barricade will survive so long as nothing else happens.::

::Yay...::

Ironhide shook his head at the exchange. He couldn't say he didn't agree with Sunstreaker's lack of enthusiasm for the 'Con's recovery, but at the same time he couldn't fully claim that he didn't agree with Ratchet's disdain for the younger mech's ill wishes. ::I better go get her, the carrier's waiting.::

::Carrier? Where are you taking her?:: Try as hard as he might Sunstreaker could not hide the sudden tension that filled his frame from either of the older mechs.

::She's going to go stay with the Lennox's for a few days. They own a farm on the North American Continent. We all agreed that she needed to get away from...to get to some 'normalcy' for a while.::

::Get away from what?::

Ironhide moved away from the pair, not that distance would remove him from the conversation but it was a clear signal that he did not wish to be included.

::She is a civilian Sunstreaker, all of this is a lot to take in even for an experienced militant human.:: That was not the whole of it all, but it was the easier explanation.

::And who is 'we all'? Sideswipe wasn't included in this decision. He wouldn't let her go anywhere without him.:: There was a touch of resentment in his words but Ratchet thought he perceived a bit more concern than anger.

::'We' being; Optimus as our leader, me as overseer of her medical condition, Will as the commanding officer on base at this current time and owner of the property, and the appropriate human authoritative figures.::

::But not Sides as her bo...brother?::

Ratchet stopped his work instantly and Ironhide, across the bay, spun back to face Sunstreaker. ::As her what?:: Ratchet prompted.

::Brother,:: Sunstreaker stated as though the medic might be losing it.

::That's not what you wanted to say,:: Ironhide accused.

Sunstreaker didn't respond to Ironhide's accusation, instead he turned as best he could to look at the medic behind him, "Can I go now?"

::Is that even possible?::

::As far as I was aware, a bond could not be formed between anything but our own kind and I was proven wrong there. I don't know what is possible anymore.::

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; one step at a time_

_ I knew there was a conversation going on over my head so to speak. There was something that had the three mechs going on but really I didn't care. I had made my way to where 'Cade was laying. He was looking better, or at least I thought so._

_ I told him I was leaving and if he knew what was good for him he'd be up and running by the time I got back. An empty threat, but it made me feel better. I didn't want to say good-bye forever._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Aurian's going on vacation. Nice. I need a vacation....**


	45. Journal Entry 45

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Okay, so, I know these next few chapters are going to be a touch on the boring side. I hope you can stick with me for it! ^_^; There's some build up for the next event going on here.**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.

_

* * *

Journal entry; the things you consider_

_ The flight was long. Not as long as I thought it would be but still, long enough. I had time to find out where I was going, apparently Will really _did_ own a farm, and also to come to a rather disturbing conclusion; Will was br__inging another woman home - me._

_ Okay, so I didn't really know a lot about Sarah Lennox and their daughter Annabelle but I can tell you how the many different versions of her in fanficiton were creating a veritable war in my head! Was there tension between the couple? Would Sarah be mad? Was she nice? Was she evil? I was on the verge of a panic attack that no one could understand._

_ Oh, poor Sideswipe. He felt my rising panic and reached out to me only to find I was not on base...oops. I tried to tell him what was going on and that I was fine but I guess he found out what had happened from someone else and was not happy. I got the feeling of doom-to-be-rained-down-upon-others feeling and had to wonder just who Sides was going after because he wasn't telling me. We__ll, whoever he was__ after, I wished them luck._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian fidgeted nervously in Ironhide's passenger seat. They were turning down a dirt road that Will said was his driveway, and her panic peaked. "What if she hates me?"

"What?" A half smile crept onto Will's face as he considered the anxious woman beside him. Ironhide's cab was rather spacious, giving them both all the room they could want to stretch out but Aurian had crammed herself into a small spot against the passenger door. She looked like she might just leap from the truck and take her chances with the road instead of facing whatever it was she was afraid of.

"Sarah, what if she hates me?"

Will laughed, "Sarah doesn't hate anyone."

"No one?"

"No."

"Not even the strange women you bring home from work?"

Will laughed even harder, "I've never brought home a 'strange woman from work' before."

"So you don't know..."

"Aurian, you're being paranoid."

"No, I'm being female. You don't understand!"

"You act like your headed into a fight."

"Not a fight...well, maybe...I mean...I don't have a reason to...but what if she thinks...I don't want to cause any problems...not that there are problems...Will, can't I just go back to the base?"

Will continued to laugh wholeheartedly as the house appeared over the crest of a small hill. "It's too late for that! Besides, you haven't even given her a chance. Trust me, you and Sarah will get along just fine."

"Famous last words," Aurian grumbled as she shoved herself even tighter against the passenger side door. Not that if she tried to open it before they had stopped moving she would succeed, but the closeness gave her some comfort. "Why was this a good idea again?"

"Come on, you can't tell me you enjoy hanging out on the base surrounded by a bunch of government grunts."

"They're nice enough. Well, most of them. At least they talk to me now." Aurian decided to test her theory with the door handle, giving it a gentle tug. Nothing.

"Aurian..." Ironhide's voice rumbled in warning.

She released the handle and tucked her hands under her arms. She knew she was probably overreacting but she just couldn't help it. Being a single woman brought to a married couple's home when she didn't know the other woman just unnerved her.

"You're really that upset?" It seemed it had finally clicked in Will's head that Aurian wasn't _acting_, she really was afraid Sarah would disapprove of his decision to bring her home with him. "Listen, I called Sarah this morning before we set anything up for sure. She knows you're coming and she's okay with it. Actually she's pretty excited to meet you."

"Oh?" Somehow this didn't do much to ease Aurian's discomfort, "What did you tell her about me?"

"That due to circumstances you have been relocated to the N.E.S.T. base and that you needed a little R and R."

"So she has no idea that the Decepticon's are hunting for me." Aurian wondered if Will had even considered that when he had made this decision. Why would he willingly put his family in danger like that?

"No. She doesn't know a whole lot about the Cybertronians. It is classified information." Will gave her a meaningful look, making sure she understood that she wasn't to be discussing the aliens with anyone.

"Right. So when she asks me about these burn marks...?"

"Chemical burn. Same as you told Roger."

Just the mention of the man's name brought overwhelming guilt slamming back to Aurian. She had not heard from him since before the former base was destroyed. 'At least he wasn't _on_ the base,' she thought thankfully. "And what about my tattoo?"

"Connection to an underground project."

"Right."

"She'll understand that you can't talk about everything, Aurian. She is my wife after all; she's used to it."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Used to secrets also meant suspicious and expecting lies in Aurian's mind. "Why can't I stay somewhere else?"

"Because someone's got to keep an eye on you."

"We will not leave you unprotected," Ironhide chimed in. He had remained mostly silent all through their trip, spending his efforts monitoring the woman's stress levels. So far Ratchet was wrong. It seemed 'getting away' was causing more stress than staying.

"That's all well and good, but what about..."

"Aurian, really. This has been thought out pretty well, you just need to relax." They pulled up in front of the house, Ironhide letting out a loud rumble of his engine to alert those within of their arrival before he sat silent.

"Does she know about 'Hide?"

Will paused halfway out of the cab, "Yes."

"But not the others?"

"Some of them."

"So, what part of that doesn't scream 'giant alien robots' and 'trouble'?"

Bowing his head slightly, Will tried to think of the best way to explain the whole situation. Yes, Sarah knew about Ironhide; how could he hide him? She also knew that he worked with the aliens and that there had been some trouble related to their arrival but she was not completely informed of their whole war. "Aurian..."

"Half truth. Got it." She spared him a glare that stated clearly how she would feel about the situation had she been in Sarah's place.

"Yeah, you two will get along perfectly." Suddenly Will thought perhaps this was a mistake after all. His life was about to get far more complicated than he bargained for.

Sliding the rest of the way out of the cab, Will opened his arms to embrace his wife as she rushed to him. She was all smiles and bubbly laughter and Aurian instantly felt infinity less comfortable with the whole situation.

"Are you going to get out?" Ironhide spoke softly, not wanting to alert the joyful couple to anything amiss.

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't want to."

"Hmm..." Will and Sarah were now turning glances toward the truck and his still unmoved passenger. "Well, you can't stay here." With that Ironhide's passenger door swung open and his whole structure tilted, gracelessly dumping Aurian from his cab to the ground.

With a yelp Aurian scrambled to her feet, dusting the dirt from her jeans. At least they had allowed her to change her clothes. She glared evilly at the truck beside her, not sure if he could see the accusing look and not really caring anyway. Sarah was approaching with Will a few steps behind.

"Hi!" she stuck out her hand, a broad smile on her face, "I'm Sarah."

Taking the offered hand and returning the introduction Aurian tried to keep her voice stable. "Aurian," she attempted to smile, "Um, thanks for, uh, letting me stay here."

"No problem!" It seemed Sarah Lennox was somewhat of a mind reader as she looked at the nervous woman before her, "I don't get to get out much and any chance to have company is a good thing. You can stay for however long you like." Swinging an arm out toward the rather stately looking farmhouse she hooked her other arm around one of Aurian's. "Come on, it's past dinner time and I've got plenty of good food that needs eaten."

Aurian couldn't help but laugh a little, "After what I've been eating? How can I turn down an offer like that?"

Will smiled at his wife appreciatively as the two women passed him; she really was an amazing woman. It didn't matter what problem faced her, she seemed to find a way around it.

* * *

Morning found Aurian standing on the farmhouse's large wraparound porch staring off into the vast rolling land it sat on. There were plenty of trees and hills to tuck the entire lot into secrecy, as clearly stated by the presence of a rather large figure in the distance.

Ironhide had been out there for she wasn't sure how long, just sitting and looking skyward. 'I wonder what he's thinking about?' Aurian had no doubts that the large mech had many things to reminisce over in the wee hours of morning but she thought she knew where his memories had wandered. 'Chromia' She sighed with sympathy for him.

She considered going out to him, talking to him, but decided that he deserved his privacy. So, instead she wandered in the opposite direction.

The farm was large, even by farm standards, but it was no longer used for actual farming. The land had been returned to wilderness and only the area used by the occupants was maintained in a 'civilized' manner which left plenty of land for wild grasses and small animals.

There were stables large enough for a small herd of horses but they only had three; a paint, a bay and a mix breed that looked like draft horse got friendly with a zebra. With a wistful smile she headed toward the building.

Aurian's grandparents had owned a ranch and in her younger years she had spent much of her summers there helping out. She had learned how to ride and care for horses and had developed a fondness for the animals.

As she approached the stables she felt a touch of nostalgia for the old place and wished that she could go back.

Ducking into the stables she found that the animals were already awake and awaiting their morning feed. "Hey guys," she patted each one as she passed and couldn't help the smile she felt growing with their appreciative nudges under her attention. She stayed with them for quite some time, just enjoying the silent company of the animals until she heard the stable doors rattling open again.

Will entered the stable without much consideration; he was here to do his weekend chores giving Sarah some much needed time off and didn't expect that there would be someone else there.

Aurian, not wanting to be some useless bystander rushed over to where he was starting to haul out the horse's daily feed, "Can I help?"

Startled, Will spun to face the woman, his hands automatically going to defensive positions.

Scrabbling to stop before she got too close Aurian stumbled back and fell onto one of the stall gates, startling the horse within causing it to rear and strike out. She collapsed to the ground and covered her head hoping that the animal's hooves wouldn't find her head before it calmed down.

"Whoa!" Will rushed to the spooked animal, talking in a soothing murmur until it calmed. The whole exchange lasted less than a minute but long enough for Aurian to feel her heart pounding in her head. "Aurian, what are you doing out here this time of morning?" he finally asked her.

"I woke up early, just wanted to go for a walk." Shaking slightly from the adrenaline rushing through her veins she considered the bay that had nearly taken her out. "I thought maybe I could help..."

"You're not here to work; you're here to relax."

"Yeah? Well, sitting around and doing nothing while other's work all around me isn't all that relaxing. So, what can I do that won't get my head crushed in?" She smiled and patted the once-again calm horse. After all, it wasn't his fault she scared him.

Will chuckled. He'd seen what the woman could get up to when she was bored. It was probably best that he put her to work if she wanted to do it. "Okay, you can help me feed them," he filled a bucket with grain and shoved it into her hands, "Don't let them push you around for it."

Aurian set to the task given her happily and, once it was through, she continued to follow Will around the farm, helping him with his chores. It was menial work but it was good work, and she found that she rather enjoyed it. Almost enough to forget everything. Almost.

"Why am I really here?" It was a thought that had been bothering her since they had 'escorted' her onto the plane and one that refused to be answered by a simple 'because you needed it'.

"What do you mean? I told you why."

"Because Ratchet ordered it?"

"Yeah."

"But why?"

"He thought it would be good for you."

Aurian shuffled the armful of wood she was carrying to a larger pile of firewood, "Why?"

"Why all the questions?"

"Well," she dumped the pile and looked to where Will was setting up more wood to be cut, "It just seems odd that he's demanded to see me at least once a day every day until now. He just suddenly ships me off somewhere where he can't 'observe' me?"

Will paused in his work, honestly he hadn't questioned the medic when he had suggested that maybe Aurian needed some time away from everything to relax. "Huh, I guess I never really thought about it. It made sense to me at the time."

"And why didn't anyone tell Sides? He flipped when he found out...I don't know who he's making regret that decision but I'm sure they're fully put in their place by now."

Laughing at the thought, Will shrugged, "He was busy."

"Too busy for a heads up?"

"Mission debriefings aren't something that you interrupt."

"And that's another thing!" She grabbed up some more wood to carry to the pile, "What mission? Sides always told me when he was leaving for any length of time more than patrol. Why didn't I know about this one?"

"Can't say I have an answer for that either."

"You don't know?" Tossing the load into the pile she returned again, "How do _you_ not know? Isn't it your business to know what's going on with N.E.S.T.?"

Picking up his ax, Will made sure that the woman couldn't clearly see his face. He had known about the mission long before Sideswipe had been chosen for it. Even he wasn't at liberty to discuss missions with uncleared personnel, and Aurian being civilian definitely marked her as 'uncleared'.

"And what is going on with Sunny? That's the second time I saw him in the med bay." Aurian's mind was spinning. There was _something_ going on that had been kept from her and she was just now starting to see it.

"That I really don't know. Something about reentry damage."

"What?"

Why did he even open his mouth? "Like I said, I really don't know."

Aurian stopped her repetitive trek between the pile and cut wood, arms still full of undelivered pieces. She reached out through her bond with Sideswipe intent on getting some answers, "Sides?"

"Aurian..." Will had been informed of her bond with Sideswipe, and though he had not been around to see the woman communicate with the mech before, he knew what she was doing. "That might not be a good idea."

"Sides?" she asked again. There was a familiar sensation of 'presence' and something that felt like a nudge of comfort, like an arm wrapped around her shoulders. "What's going on?"

'What do you mean? Other than them hauling you off like that?'

"That's part of it. I saw Sunny in the med bay again..."

'Don't worry about him, he's fine.'

"That's what he said...but I don't believe it. What happened during reentry?"

'How do you know anything about that?'

"Will."

Will cringed at hearing his name. He really didn't know a whole lot about whatever had happened, just the basics; there had been some complication during Sunstreaker's reentry causing the mech some trouble.

'What does _he_ know?' Aurian got the distinct feeling that Sideswipe was displeased with Will for more than just leaking a little information.

"It doesn't matter; just tell me what happened."

'It's nothing to worry about, Aurian.'

Aurian growled; she understood that Sideswipe had a loyalty to Sunstreaker that she could never breach, but at the same time she was annoyed that she _knew_ there was something she wasn't being told. "Fine," she snapped a little too harshly then took a deep breath to calm herself before she continued, "He's okay though?"

'Yeah.' She felt a brushing of affection, like a kind look, something that said 'thank you for caring', then the feeling cut short. 'Look, I'm going to have to focus for a while...'

"Your 'mission'?"

'Yeah.'

"So..."

'I'm going to dampen our bond. It's just for a little while.' Even through her own anxiety at the thought, she could feel his own concern; he was afraid she was going to be upset with him.

"Okay," she tried to send him thoughts of confidence, but in reality her mind was displaying a thousand 'what if's' for her to think over, "So we won't feel each other at all?"

'Not as clearly as normal but not completely cut off.'

"So, I'd know if there was something wrong?"

'There won't be anything wrong.' This came with a fierce confidence that set most of Aurian's discomfort to ease.

"How long?"

'A few days.'

"Days!?"

'Aurian, calm down. I'll contact you whenever I can, alright?'

Why was she so disturbed by the thought? It's not like she hadn't gotten along just fine before she had this strange connection to an alien robot, and if he were in danger she'd know...right? "Sides..."

'It's okay, I promise nothing will happen. I'll see you back at base when we get back, okay?'

"Sides..."

Sideswipe cut her off before she could continue, 'Okay?"

"...okay."

'Will and Ironhide will take care of you.'

"What about you?"

'What about me?'

"Who's going to take care of you?"

'Ha!' Unabated confidence infused Aurian's every thought, 'I don't need anyone to take care of me. I'll be fine.'

Aurian was both soothed and bothered by the confidence Sideswipe had. It was true from all she knew of the fandom that he could be a force to be reckoned with, but the fact that he was being sent out alone didn't sit well with her at all. "If anything happens to you, I'm going to make sure you regret it. Got it?"

Amusement filled their bond, 'Got it.' And then there was a cold, empty nothingness where Sideswipe's presence had been.

"Good luck..." Aurian dropped her stack of wood and walked away. She wanted to be alone.

Will watched her go, half of him screaming that he needed to follow her, half of him demanding that he give her some time. "Aurian?"

She glanced back at him and smiled as best she could, "Sorry, I'm just feeling a little tired. You don't mind, right?" She continued her trek that was only slightly more toward the farmhouse than not.

"Where are you going?"

Aurian shrugged, "Don't know. Maybe I'll go find 'Hide."

"Okay..." he felt he should say more, but what could he say that would fix whatever was wrong now? Tell her that Sideswipe would be just fine? If Sideswipe himself couldn't convince her of that, he was pretty sure he didn't stand a chance. So, instead he just watched as she wondered away. "I really hope you knew what you were doing, Ratchet."

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; company_

_ Not feeling Sideswipe was like something had been torn out from inside me and left open to the elements. It was a horrible feeling and I didn't even want to think of what it would have been like had he closed it off completely. Strange how you can just acquire new things and not even realize they're there until their gone...and how it just feels like you can't live without it. It wasn't for__ever; I ju__st had to keep telling myself that it was just for a short time. Turns out Ironhide was exactly what I needed during that time._

_ I don't know why I was any kind of surprised by that. He had been living without his sparkmate for...geez I can't even think of how long! If anyone around could coach me on how to manage the absence it was him. Well, okay, he didn't so much coach me on it as much as he sufficiently distracted me from it._

_ We talked about the farm, about space, abo__ut the mil__itary and how it was similar and yet different between our two races. Really we talked about anything and everything that had nothing to do with bonds or the lack there of. 'Hide's really a good mech, a good friend. I'm really glad he didn't kill me that first day._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

**Seeeeeee...I can do laid back. Okay, so...yeah, maybe there's still 'something' going on. ^_^; This is about as laid back as I get. Hope you liked it!**  
_


	46. Journal Entry 46

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Well, time has come and done it's deeds. I'm going back to school. Yay for school...bad for fanfiction. I don't know how much time I'll have to write. -_-; No fears though. I'm several chapters ahead on this fiction so hopefully it'll be a while before you guys feel the effects of my schooling. LOL! I just thought I would give you all a heads up. THANX FOR READING!!!**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.

_

* * *

Journal entry; Sarah Lennox_

_ Well, after a long talk with Ironhide and feeling somewhat bolstered with the absence of Sideswipe I decided it was time to pay my hosts a visit._

_ Will was still somewhere on the farm doing something, I don't know what, but Sarah was standing on the front porch waiting for me when I got to the house. I wondered if 'Hide had somehow contacted her and told her I was coming._

_ I guess I'd come to like the woman alright because the anxiety from the day before was gone, but she was still a stranger to me. Her friendly smile was nice, the sympathy in her eyes was almost enough to make me want to cry._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian slowly climbed the stairs, unsure if she'd rather just go back to wandering the farm or find out what Sarah was thinking at the moment.

"You look upset." The woman didn't move from her place leaning on one of the support posts near the stairs, "What's bothering you?"

"It's...complicated." Aurian wasn't sure if Sarah knew about Sideswipe or not, and even if she did, she was sure she didn't know about the bond between them.

"Well, it looks like you're worried about someone you care about a lot. I've seen that look before." Now Sarah pushed off the post and walked toward where Aurian stood hesitantly at the top of the stairs, "Seen that look on too many women's faces to miss it. One of your boys is off on a mission, huh?"

Aurian nodded, her throat clamping up. It seemed that the fact that Sarah got the gist of it was dragging out all those tiny little fears that she'd managed to tuck away during her talk with Ironhide.

"It's okay to be worried," she wrapped an arm around Aurian's shoulders, pulling her into a hug, "It shows you care."

That was it, Aurian was done. She let the tears fall and clung to the woman offering her support and understanding, "It's so hard! How do you do it?"

"Years of practice, but to tell you the truth? It never gets any easier, you just learn to live with it." She pulled the distraught woman to a swing suspended from the overhang and helped her into it, sitting beside her so she could look into her eyes, "It's not fair, but that's what we agree to when we give our hearts to these men. They're warriors first and ours second."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Hardly!" Sarah laughed and Aurian couldn't help but notice how similar to Will's mirthful laugh it was. "But I understand. I love Will for who he is and he is a military man; can't change that without changing him, now can I?"

"No, guess not." Aurian sighed, her tears spent. She had to admit, she did feel a little better now.

"So who's the lucky grunt?"

"Oh, uh...well, he's really just a friend. More like a brother."

"Really?" Sarah gave her guest a doubtful look, "Well, who is it?"

"...uh..."

"One of the aliens, huh?"

Aurian's eyes fell to the ground nervously. Now that Sarah knew that she had more attachment to these robots then passing friendship, what would she think?

"That's wonderful!" Sarah laughed, hearing the truth in Aurian's guilty silence. There was no mocking in her voice as she leaned over to hug Aurian again. "I'm glad to see that there are other people who can open their hearts to these guys. I haven't really met too many of them, but they all seem like such good people. It really bothers me how some of the higher ups are treating them."

"So, you like them? Ironhide? The others? Even though it's because of them that Will's gone so much?"

Sarah made a 'tisking' noise, releasing Aurian so she could give her a mock glare. "He was always gone a lot, part of his job. And how could I _not_ like Ironhide? He acts all tough but he's a real softy. A good family man, too bad he doesn't have any kids of his own."

Aurian fought hard to keep the grimace from her face at Sarah's words. The woman was far too perceptive and she knew she couldn't just divulge Ironhide's personal life.

The effort didn't go unnoticed. Sarah's smile faltered for half a beat before she hopped from the swing, "What's say we go make lunch, huh? Will should be coming back in shortly and Anna will be waking up from her nap any time now."

"Okay." She was thankful for the distraction. All the sudden mood changes were starting to get to her.

When Will finally did come to the house, he gave Aurian a wary glance before looking to his wife. It seemed they held an entire conversation in a split second with just their eyes before a smile took over and he joined the two happily chatting women for lunch.

Annabelle joined them not long after and Aurian found herself completely enamored in the tiny little woman who babbled and giggled at her endlessly. She had never been around many children in her life and decided that she really enjoyed it.

The early evening left Aurian snuggling with the child on the floor, toys strewn about having been forgotten for the bliss of napping.

Will looked on with an appreciation he could not express, his wife held in his arms as they relaxed not far away on a couch. He had been concerned when Aurian had expressed her anxiety the day before, and further when she had walked away from him after having been so content to do chores, but now he was confident that Ratchet had made the right decision.

"She'd make a great mom," Sarah whispered, not wanting to disturb the two sleeping ladies, "Anna is really taken with her."

"Yeah." He hugged his wife a little tighter, "Thank you for being so nice to her. You went beyond what I asked."

"It wasn't hard! She's a wonderful person."

"She is something."

"So what's really going on with her?"

Will sighed; he knew it wouldn't be long before Sarah picked up on the tension, the little signs that screamed that something about Aurian was not 'normal'. "She's been through a lot."

"I can see that." Sarah took the cue for what it was. This fell under the 'cannot disclose' part of their relationship. "I think she should stay here when you go back."

"What?" Will shifted so he could look at Sarah, but her gaze was fixed on the sleeping woman.

"Well, you said that she needed some R and R, right? It seems to me she's just starting to wind down so taking her back to base seems like a step backwards to me. Let her stay for a week, really get to relax. I can take her to town, have some girl time with her."

"I don't know about that."

"Why not?"

"She's under government protection..."

"Okay, then you stay too." It was a shameless attempt at getting more time with her husband, though that was not the reason she was asking for Aurian to stay. Sarah really felt that the woman was just starting to relax and that it would take a few more days to give her what she obviously needed.

"You know I can't, but maybe Ironhide can."

"Wow! You mean the two of you can be separated?" Sarah laughed teasingly; it was a running joke between the two of them that ever since Will had shown up with the large black truck that he was rarely seen without him. "I think that would be good though."

"I'll see what I can do." He hugged her close again, "I think you just want a babysitter."

"Maybe just a little."

* * *

Aurian awoke alarmed. For the first several seconds she didn't recognize her surroundings and was afraid she had been abducted again, then as her brain caught up with the rest of her, she started to recall. She was in the guest bedroom at the Lennox's farm, but this wasn't where she had fallen asleep.

Wondering how she had ended up here, she noted that she still wore the clothes from the day before and realized Will must have carried her to bed after she fell asleep on the living room floor. "Great." She sighed heavily. It was somewhat embarrassing to think that she had fallen asleep like a little girl and had to be put to bed.

'Oh well, nothing I can do about that.' She stood and stretched before seeking out the small suit case that someone had packed for her while she had been dragged from her room on the base. Finding acceptable clothes she headed for the guest bathroom to prepare herself for the day. She could feel the little aches and pains from working with Will the day before but could not find it in her to dislike the work she had been doing. She was even somewhat reluctant to leave the farm. If only she could stay for a few more days...

Showering and dressing herself she decided that she would help Will again today. At least she could enjoy the farm life for a little while longer.

Rushing down the stairs she noted that the house was still quiet; she had been the first to rise again. With a happy smile she closed the door carefully behind her and headed for the stables. She knew what to do there.

Halfway through the chores in the stable, the door rattled open and Will entered, this time looking for the woman that had surprised him the day before. He found her with rake in hand closing up the last stall, smiling at him.

"Morning!"

"Morning...you...?"

"Yeah, I figured I could give you a hand and since I already knew what to do here...hope that's okay?"

"That's fine, I just expected that after yesterday you'd sleep in a little."

Aurian just shrugged as she placed the rake back in its home. "I got more than enough sleep. What else is on the 'to do' list today?"

"Just a few things, got most of it done yesterday." He seemed to think over the things that still had to be done, "You want to ride?"

Aurian looked wide-eyed at Will, "I'd love to!"

"Good, let's go." He led the woman to where the horse's gear was kept and instructed her on what went to who and helped her pick out which horse suited her best. It turned out that the mix breed, Fred by name, was just her type and they were soon saddled up and headed out into the open farmland. They took the third horse along, Will explaining that the animals needed plenty of exercise and it wasn't fair to take two out on a ride while the other sat in the pasture with nothing to do but graze.

"Thank you, Will." They had come to the crest of one of the many hills in this area and Aurian took in the view appreciatively.

"For what?"

"Dragging me here. It's really beautiful."

"Yeah?" Will shifted in his saddle a little, "You like it out here?"

"I really do."

"How would you feel about staying for a week?"

Aurian looked at Will. Was he kidding? "Really? Why?"

"Sarah said she thought you could use a little more time away from the base. I have to say that I think I'm inclined to agree."

"What does Ratchet say about it?" She wasn't sure if she was excited for the offer of staying on the farm, where things seemed simple and she knew how to be useful, or if she was afraid because she had agreed to meet Sideswipe back at the base when he returned.

"Haven't asked him yet. I figured, for once at least, I'd get your opinion first."

Aurian laughed, "I'd like to stay..."

"But?"

"Sideswipe."

"Somehow I don't think he'd mind."

She felt at war with herself. She wanted both but could only choose one. "What about the Decepticons?"

"Either Ironhide will stay here or we'll get one of the others out here. We won't leave you unprotected, don't worry about that."

"It's not me I'm worried about," with this she sighed heavily, "I put your family in danger by being here."

"Nonsense. No one but Ratchet, Optimus, Ironhide and myself know where you are."

"Sideswipe."

"Okay, yeah, he probably knows too, but that's it. There's no way the 'Con's are going to find you here. We made sure of that." Will could clearly see the war inside Aurian as she fought with her own desires, "Sarah would really like you to stay for a while and I bet Anna would love it too."

Thinking of the little girl, Aurian realized that she really couldn't say 'no'. "Okay, just for a week?"

"For now. We'll see how it goes."

"It's really not nice using your daughter against me like that."

Will laughed, "I know. Sarah does it to me all the time."

* * *

Aurian was once again on the floor playing with the young Annabelle when she felt a familiar tug inside her, "Sides?"

'Told you I'd contact you when I could.' The thought felt guarded, like he was keeping something away from her.

"You okay?"

'As good as I always am!' It seemed there should have been laughter there but it was glaringly lacking from the bond. 'You seem happy.'

"I'm playing with Will's daughter, Annabelle. She's a sweetheart!" Aurian made faces at the little girl that was babbling to her while holding up a colorful toy, "Someday I hope I can have a little one just like her."

There was a clinching sensation, like Sideswipe was dampening the link again, 'I bet you'd be a great creator.'

"Mother."

'What?'

"The human word is 'mother'."

'Right, well, you'd be a good one of those too.'

Aurian laughed, Annabelle crawling up on her, "Glad you think so. So how's the mission going?"

'...good.'

Instantly alarmed Aurian did her best not to let the child crawling on her sense her anxiety, "What's wrong?"

'Nothing, it's just...' a sighing sensation filled her, 'It's going to be a little longer than we thought.'

"Oh..." 'Then I won't miss you coming home,' Aurian thought, somewhat happily. Though the question of 'why' instantly drowned out the happiness for wariness. "But nothing's wrong?"

'No.' There was still that feeling of guarding and Aurian didn't like it. 'Gotta go, it might be a day or so before I can contact you again.'

"Okay...be careful, please?"

'Nothin' to worry about.' For some reason, Aurian just didn't believe him.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; extended leave_

_ It seemed as though Ratchet took the request for me to stay on the farm rather well. It took less time to convince him to let me stay than it took to contact him! Guess he took it as progress, though toward what, I really didn't know._

_ Ironhide ended up going back with Will but they sent Jolt to come keep an eye on me. Why did I see that coming? Ratchet couldn't come himself, being the CMO, but Jolt was a qualified medic recently updated on human biology so he would do._

_ But wait...if Jolt was free to come keep an optic on me then what did that say about Barricade?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

**Okay, that's it for now! ^_^; hope this isn't too boring for you all. The next chapter is a little more of the same and then I believe we pick up again. Catch ya all later!**

**Oh! BTW; who knows anything more about the new game 'Transformers: Battle for Cybertron'? I've only been able to find the teaser for it and I'm so excited I can't even contain myself. I can't find a release date anywhere though, only that it's sometime this year...anyone got a clue?  
**


	47. Journal Entry 47

This is going to be my standard opening from now on. There may be some interesting news added at a later date, that will come directly after this line however so that you can skip anything you're not interested in reading!

_**~~~Exciting news! I'm almost at 1,000 reviews!!! Okay, so there's still a little ways to go but still, I'm soooooooooo impressed. So impressed as a matter of fact that I'm going to do a mini contest for the person who can snag that number 1,000 review. See AN at the end of the fic for details. ^_^!! (this way if you're not interested you don't have to scroll through it to get to the good stuff.)**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.

_

* * *

Journal entry; days go by_

_ The first few days at the farm went by in a blur; I helped Sarah with the daily tasks, played with Anna until my little heart was content and fell into blissful unconsciousness at the end of the day._

_ It wasn't until Wednesday that I realized I hadn't heard anything from Sides...he had said it would be days..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"Jolt? Do you know anything about Sideswipe's mission?" Aurian asked as she approached the lounging mech. He had taken to the open space quite well and rather enjoyed the lack of demand on him. It was a much needed rest after all the chaos since his arrival on this strange planet.

"Not particularly, why?"

"I haven't heard anything from him in a while, so I was just wondering."

Jolt shrugged dismissively; one thing he had learned about these humans was their ability to create concerns where there was no need was constant. "He is probably preoccupied with his job."

"Oh, I know." She wasn't hurt by Jolt's seemingly uncaring attitude. He was used to this kind of thing and she wasn't. It was easy for him to just accept the lack of contact. "I guess I didn't realize that it had been a while until today. It's not a bad thing then? This is normal?"

"Some soldiers have been known to be silent for what you would call months at a time; it is part of the job."

Aurian sighed, "Okay, thanks."

Jolt watched the woman walk away, half wondering if he should have been more supportive. 'She understands the situation,' he told himself. There was no need for him to try and make things easier for her since she was going to have to learn how to deal eventually. Besides, this was just a simple mission. If she was going to get all worked up about it how was she going to respond to a mission that might be far more dangerous? After all, Sideswipe was one of their front liners and his duty put him in danger quite often. Still, the lack of communication through a bond could be quite draining, even for the most experienced of them. ::Ratchet? Is Sunstreaker acting odd at all?::

::No stranger than usual, why do you ask?::

::Aurian just expressed concern for her lack of communication with Sideswipe. I thought I'd be sure there was nothing to it before I dismissed it as her human nature.::

There was a buzz of annoyance through the transmission, ::Don't dismiss anything with her, she's not what you might call a 'usual' human.::

::Right, so what should I do then?::

::Just...keep an optic on her. She may know something we don't yet. I'll go talk to Sunstreaker and get back to you.::

With a sigh, he heaved himself to his feet and set off in the same direction he had seen Aurian go.

* * *

Aurian slumped down at the kitchen table; it was nearly lunch time and Sarah would be just finishing up laundry so there was little point in trying to find something else to do.

'If Jolt's not worried, I shouldn't be worried either. It's not like he'd just be hanging around if something had happened. Sides is just busy, that's all. He told me it would be days.' She traced simple figures on the table with her fingers, not really paying attention to what she was doing or what was going on around her, 'And it's not like I felt anything wrong, just...absence. Like he said there would be. He said I'd know if there was something wrong, didn't he?'

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Sarah had come in to see the distracted woman and knew instantly that something was worrying her.

Aurian, startled, spun to see Sarah with an armful of dish towels. "Oh! I'm sorry. It's nothing, really."

"Uh-huh," Sarah placed the towels in their drawer, her mind working as she did. Aurian had been rather happy the past few days; nothing had seemed to get her down. Not when she accidentally spilled the horse's feed everywhere and had to spend nearly half the day shoveling it back into its container, not when there had been a down poor making the ground soggy and nearly impossible to work in, not even when Anna had spit up all over her. Now, something was bothering her and Sarah suspected she knew what it was. What they needed was a day out. "I'm supposed to drop Anna at my mother's today. Grandma likes to have quality spoiling time with her granddaughter. Since I'd be in town anyway...what say we spend the day out?"

"Oh? What about the chores?"

"With your help we've gotten everything done around here that really needs doing. We've got time." She nodded her head as though she had made up her mind and was setting things in motion. "Besides, you look like you could use a little distraction."

A short time later found the two women and Annabelle, held in her mother's arms, trotting down the front steps headed for where Sarah stored her car only to have their path blocked by a rather put off looking Jolt.

"And where do you think you're going?"

"Oh!" Sarah looked up at the mech as though he was not a giant alien robot, "I was going to take Anna to her grandmother's and Auri was going to join me for a day on the town."

He glared at the small group of human females, his gaze lingering on Aurian, "Not alone you will not." In less time than it took him to finish speaking, Jolt had folded himself down into his Chevrolet Volt alt mode and popped his doors open to accept the women. "I will escort you to your destination."

Sarah leaned toward her guest. "Is he always like this?" she whispered.

"Pretty much, yeah." Aurian was amused by Sarah's actions. They both knew it was pointless to whisper, the Cybertronian's hearing was far beyond their own and they didn't stand a chance of secrecy near one, but the action had been for fun more than function.

Claiming Annabelle's car seat from her own vehicle, Sarah situated her daughter in Jolt's back seat, not being satisfied until the belt was as tight as it could possibly be and the seat refused to budge even a centimeter. "You'd better be a good driver," she warned, "obey all the rules."

"Don't worry femme, your youngling will come to no harm in my care." Jolt did not seem amused by the woman's empty threats, or her actions.

Once they were all in the car and headed toward town, Aurian mock-whispered, "And to think, he's a medic..." much to Sarah's amusement.

With Sarah's guidance they found her mother's home and dropped Annabelle off with the all-too-eager lady, short introductions were made between her and Aurian, and then the two ladies left.

"Where is it I'm headed?" Jolt asked, somewhat annoyed after Sarah had given him decidedly vague directions.

Sarah shrugged, not that it made much of a difference to the mech transporting them, "Just into town. We'll decide where we're going once we get there."

"That's not a very efficient way to get things done."

"This isn't about 'efficiency', Jolt," Sarah scolded, "We're going to have fun and let loose."

Aurian was looking forward to an in-town escapade. Since that day she had been lead away by Will, she had not been allowed the experience and missed it greatly. "You could just drop us off downtown. We can walk it...if that's okay with you?" Aurian turned to Sarah for confirmation.

"Sounds okay by me. Most of the interesting stuff is there anyway."

"No."

"Jolt, it'll be fine. Besides, you don't want to be stuck in some parking garage while we meander around."

"No."

"This again? Really, there's no good reason for us to be 'driving' while we're perusing downtown."

"It is my assigned duty to watch over you. Allowing you to 'peruse downtown' while I am not around doesn't fit my assignment."

"Jolt..." Aurian looked to Sarah pleadingly.

"It's not like you'll be able to walk the stores with us. If you have to, then stay somewhere nearby. We won't go far."

Jolt was silent as he rolled into town. He couldn't say that he _wanted_ to remain in this overcrowded metropolis but Ratchet had been very clear on what the consequences would be if something happened to Aurian due to his neglect. However, as they drew closer to 'downtown,' he realized that not only would he be unable to stay within close proximity but that there was really no where for him to park. "I'd rather you didn't do this at all." He grumbled as he slid up to the curb in a back alley to allow the women to exit.

"It'll be good for Auri. You wanted her to be able to relax, right?" Sarah was startled as a male figure took the seat she had just vacated, a young, stern looking man that glared at her openly.

"'Relaxing' does not involve taking unnecessary risks."

"Wow, are you apprenticing Ratchet in lectures too?" Aurian giggled as she stepped far enough away from the vehicle to feel safe.

There was a distinctly unnecessary roar of the car's engine as it took off down the alley, leaving the two women to their day on the town.

"You enjoy getting on his nerves, don't you?" Sarah fixed Aurian with an amused glare.

"Only a little." Aurian smiled cheekily as she turned to head back to the main thoroughfare. "I've never been here before. Where to first?"

"Oh, do I have things to show you!" Sarah looped her arm around Aurian's and the two set out to enjoy their day.

Jolt sought out a place where, at the very least, his sensors could keep track of his charge. He didn't like leaving her to her own devices but he had to admit she seemed in fairer spirits just being in this human monstrosity called 'town'. ::Ratchet, anything from Sunstreaker?::

::He seems just fine. Any further development with Aurian?::

::Mrs. Lennox has taken her to town for a 'ladies day out', and she seems to be fine.::

::Hopefully it was just a simple bond longing.::

::You still don't sound so sure.::

::Considering everything that has happened involving her, are you?::

::No...::

* * *

Aurian leaned back in her seat a little, just enjoying the sun and the breeze that drifted over her. They had spent hours roaming the many different shops before ending up here, a small outdoor deli where they had gotten a late lunch. "I think this is exactly what I needed."

"I thought as much." Sarah sipped at her drink as she watched the people pass by, noting that a few would glance at Aurian and make faces at the scars they could see on her arms. It wasn't so much that the marks were ugly, in their own right they were kind of pretty, but they were obvious and their cause could not be easily figured. Will had warned her about the chemical burns and advised her to not make mention of them for Aurian's sake, but she couldn't say she wasn't curious. "You know, I've really enjoyed having you around. You should come visit me again. Often." Sarah laughed a little at the shocked look Aurian gave her, "What? Haven't you enjoyed your visit?"

"Oh! No, it's not that..." Aurian was instantly thrilled at the invitation; however, she couldn't push away the fear that her being there would put Sarah and Annabelle in danger. It would only be a matter of time before someone found out where she was and after that, what would happen?

"You don't think they'll let you come back?"

"No...it's just that, because of everything that's happened..." Suddenly Aurian just wanted to be anywhere but where she was. She didn't want to have to tell Sarah that her presence could be the cause of harm for her and her daughter.

"What is it, Auri?" Sarah pushed, "There's nothing that could have happened already that would make me change my mind."

"It's just not safe."

"You couldn't be safer anywhere else."

"Not me...for you. For Anna."

Sarah's mind instantly brought back Will's previous statement, 'she's under government protection,' and knew that someone was hunting for the woman before her. She couldn't help but smile knowing that Aurian wasn't concerned that she would be found so much as she was worried that Annabelle and herself might get caught up in the middle. "Hun, do you really think they'd let you have come here if it was going to put us in danger? Will can be a little thick sometimes but he's earned his position by thinking things through. If he brought you to us, it's because he _knows_ that you're safe here and so are we." She laughed again, assuring the woman that her words were not only true but that she was ready to back them up however she had to. "You know, more than half of his own men don't even know where he lives."

Aurian smiled. It was reassuring that Sarah was so confident; however, her own fears would not be so easily dismissed. The Decepticons had known where she lived, where she worked, and at that time she wasn't even sure how they had known about _her_ in the first place. "If you say so." It was the only thing that she could say. Sarah wouldn't be swayed to her thinking and she couldn't be deterred from it, so it was best to agree to disagree. "I would love to come back, sometime."

Knowing that it was a compromise, Sarah patted Aurian's hand. "Let's get back to shopping. I think I'm in the mood for some new clothes. You?"

"Considering I've lost most of what I own? I think so!" Aurian was thankful that among the things that had been recovered for her between the destroyed former base and her home, her wallet had survived. She was all too happy to splurge on some clothing that wasn't military provided.

In the fashion of women and clothing usually goes, the two spent hours upon hours trying things on that they would never wear and parading around for each other to see, talking one another into things they thought they shouldn't buy and seeking out things they thought would look good on the other. It was everything Aurian missed about her female friends that she had been forced to abandon without so much as a good-bye. She had moments where the sorrow took over while she stood in a changing room looking over mounds of clothes but she had been able to force them away long enough to move on to the next thing.

Sarah noticed the indications of longing in the sometimes red-rimmed eyes of her shopping companion but chose not to bring it up. Aurian was obviously trying not to indulge the emotions and she decided that, for now, she would help her forget.

Dusk found the women carting large bags of items that they probably could not even recall half the contents of and chatting vibrantly about nothing in particular. It had been a good day over all and they both agreed that they would do it again next time Aurian came to visit – Aurian believing there would not be a next time and Sarah setting it in her mind that she would be sure there was.

When Sarah's cell phone rang, it was quite nearly an art to watch her shuffle bags and dig the small device from her purse. "Hello? Hi, mom! Yeah, we had a great time. Thanks for taking Anna. Uh-huh, we should probably wrap up here soon anyway. See you soon!" Again, with skill beyond what anyone should have, the woman tucked the phone away without so much as tipping one of her bags. "Mom just wanted to check up on us. We should probably go get my little one before it gets too much later. It'll already be long past her bed time when we get home."

"Yeah," Aurian stretched as best she could holding her own small department store, "I think my feet have had about enough...guess we should find Jolt..." before she could finish her sentence a blue Chevrolet Volt headed their way flashed its headlights at them, "Or, he could have been listening in on us and already know we're ready to go."

"Efficient." Sarah nodded to the male 'driver' as he pulled over to the curb.

They loaded their bags in the trunk and hopping in the car, Sarah sliding into the suddenly vacated driver's seat and Aurian collapsing tiredly onto the passenger's.

"I trust you ladies enjoyed yourselves?"

"Yeah, though I'm inclined to believe you already know that." Aurian lightly slapped the dash. "It's not very nice to eavesdrop you know."

"How else was I supposed to watch over you?"

Sarah indignantly huffed, "It's like having your own personal robotic..."

"Nanny," Aurian cut in, somewhat curtly.

"Well, I was going to say guardian, but yeah, that too!" Sarah smiled at Aurian's mock-glare. She knew the woman was not truly displeased with the mech, but she could hardly admit that to the apparently overprotective robot.

Without instruction Jolt headed toward Sarah's mother's home; after all, it only made sense that if the women were done they would need to collect the youngling before returning home...even if he hadn't been eavesdropping he could have figured that out.

As they went, the two grew quiet, content from their day out and spent from all the walking they had done. Sarah only marginally attempted to look like she was driving, lightly resting her hands on the steering wheel the same way Will would whenever they went anywhere with Ironhide.

She glanced over to see Aurian leaning awkwardly in her seat, arms around her midsection, "You alright?"

"Not sure..." A shiver passed over her. "I just don't feel quite right."

"Too much sun maybe? We spent a lot of time outside and those buildings can make the sun a lot worse in town than on the farm."

"Could be..."

Jolt grew somewhat concerned and ran a scan over the woman without much thought.

"Pull over!" Aurian demanded suddenly.

"Why?" Jolt's scans shifted to their surroundings, looking for something that might be amiss.

"Pull over! Pull over!" Aurian tugged at the door handle, forcing Jolt to either pull over and let her out or risk damage to his interior.

Reluctantly he complied and was somewhat alarmed as Aurian threw open his door and leapt out. "What are you doing?"

His answer was the disturbingly painful sounds of retching.

"Oh, no!" Sarah scrambled from her side of the car to where Aurian knelt in the tall roadside grass, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Aurian answered shakily as she got back to her feet with Sarah's help, "It just hit me suddenly."

Guiding the weakened woman back toward Jolt she pushed her into the passenger seat and knelt in front of her, "It's not his driving is it?" It was only partially meant as a joke.

Jolt jerked slightly at the insult nonetheless and, feeling that there would be a counter to Sarah's comment, Aurian hurried to answer, "No." The sudden movement had not helped her situation at all. "It's not like motion sickness."

"Something you ate?" Sarah continued.

"Could be..." though it didn't feel like that either. It felt like someone had taken her stomach from her and used it as a soccer ball while on a roller coaster going down the largest drop possible.

"I should get a complete scan to be sure..."

Aurian dashed back into the tall grass as she felt the tingling sensation, her stomach turning again. "Oh, please, no more," she groaned miserably as the sensation continued.

Jolt ceased his scans; though he had found nothing overly 'wrong' with the woman on his preliminary scans, he was not pleased that he had not completed a full round. "I will contact Ratchet."

"We need to get her home and into bed," Sarah instructed. "You can contact Ratchet on the way." She helped Aurian back to the car, this time guiding her to lay in the back seat. Reaching to the front seat where her purse sat, Sarah started digging for something, "I've got some peppermint, that should help some." She presented the small candy as though it might be the most holly of cure-alls ever created, of which Aurian accepted happily. Anything to get the taste of bile from her mouth. "I'll call mom. Anna can stay with her for a few days."

Aurian felt a twinge of remorse that the child would be kept away from her, but it only made sense that if she were sick to not expose the girl. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. It's not your fault!" Sarah buckled herself into the driver's seat even as Jolt began moving again, correcting his direction to head to the farm instead of their previous destination. With a worried glance in the rear view mirror, she pulled out her cell phone to inform her mother of the change in plans.

The rest of the drive was anything but smooth. Aurian demanded to be let out several more times, purging the contents of her stomach until there simply was nothing left to vomit. Still she heaved painfully several more times before they reached the farm and Aurian was pure misery in the back seat.

Sarah, mother mode in full swing, was able to ignore her rising concern for Aurian's sudden illness and maintain an urgent, cool-headedness that allowed her to get the woman from the car to the guest room with little trouble. "I should call you a doctor." She started pulling extra blankets from the closet to cover the trembling woman.

"Ratchet," Aurian grunted, too exhausted to do much else. Her body shivered with chill and she curled in on herself attempting to preserve some of her own heat, "he's my doctor."

"He's back at Diego Garcia. Even if they were to send out a special flight just for him, it would take him way too long to get here."

"Jolt's a medic too..."

"Who obviously doesn't know what to do for you."

"Ratchet can tell him."

"And what can he do for you while you're like this? I'm not having you go back outside so that he can poke around until he figures out what he's doing."

"A human doctor won't know what to do either," she groaned miserably, her hands subconsciously balling protectively over her chest. If she were taken to a hospital they would question her burns, they would look over her very closely and they would discover the anomaly inside of her, and that above all else scared her.

Sarah paused in her task, "What do you mean?"

"They can't help me."

Blankets in hand she wandered to where she could look down at the woman, she wasn't sure if Aurian knew what she was talking about or not, "Why not?"

Aurian nearly sobbed with frustration. She wasn't sure why she felt so certain they couldn't help her but she knew she didn't want a human to find out about the anomaly inside of her. "They just can't."

Sarah thought it over as she tucked the blankets around the shivering figure. Will has said that she'd been though 'a lot', maybe something to do with the aliens had changed her somehow? "All right. I'll wait and see what Ratchet says, but if you get any worse, I'm calling someone."

Aurian grunted in response, unable to mutter anything further. With everything seemingly under control, she gave into the sleep that called to her, at least in sleep she didn't have to feel the nausea.

* * *

::You showed _nothing_ on your scans?::

This conversation had been going on between Jolt and Ratchet since that first stop on the highway; they had gone over everything they could imagine between the two of them and kept coming down to the same thing. ::You've seen the results yourself, Ratchet. Raised core temperature, that's it. And, as your reports stated, that can be caused by stress. Other than that, nothing that we are unaware of appeared in the preliminary scans. I couldn't do any deep scans since it seemed scanning was causing her further distress.::

::Slag. I want her back here as soon as it can be arranged.:: Ratchet had been conversing with Optimus at the same time, trying to make arrangements for a special flight to either get him out there or to get Aurian and Jolt back, or at the very least just Aurian. It seemed as though it were not going well.

::Understood. Currently Mrs. Lennox is caring for her. I will monitor her and report if there are any...observational changes.::

::Good,:: Ratchet sighed, his frustrations clear even through the link, ::I don't like this at all. From the looks of things, we're not going to get cleared until the normal Friday flight. Apparently 'medical emergency' does not qualify for unscheduled transport...:: It was very obvious that Ratchet was going to be sure that changed, and quickly.

::Just our luck,:: Jolt snipped. It had always seemed to him that the medical branch got the short end of the proverbial stick when it did not involve high ranking officers. He knew it wasn't Optimus refusing transport, it was the humans, but humans and Cybertronians had a kinship in politics if nothing else.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; morning sickness_

_ I__ knew what the first question any sane person was going to ask: 'Are you pregnant'. No. Not unless there had been some miraculous conception was there any way that option was even a 'maybe' in my world. Something about being essentially locked away for a few months, poisoned, beaten, battered and bruised led me to believe that it was impossible._

_ My thoughts instantly ran to the anomaly, and I'm sure Ratchet's and Jolt's did too. Gods, that was going to be fun when I got back to base. I think maybe this was the part where Ratchet said 'no more' and demanded that I allow him to do what he thought was necessary. If this was how I was going to feel, then I think I m__ight have been inclined to agree._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**~~~Ooooh, what's wrong with Aurian now? Only time will tell. (cause I won't) LOL!!! ~^_^~**_

_**Okay, on to the mini contest!!!**_

**1,000th Review**

**Okay, so I know it's a ways off yet but I've decided I want to do a little mini contest thing for those interested in giving it a try. This isn't me begging for reviews (though I DO love them) because this fic certainly doesn't need any help in that department! ^_~ Thanx everyone!**

**I just figured that with all the loyal readers/reviewers out there I would offer up this special little gift for the one who snagged my 1,000th review. I'm offering up a oneshot of your choice! (Suggested by Eowyn77). At this point I don't have many restrictions on the oneshot, it can be anything you like within the TFverse. I know that's a little restricting but I have to stay on track in the correct verse or I'll lose myself somewhere else. LOL, I'm so easily distracted.**

**You get to pick the characters and the base plot line. I'll even accept ideal beginning/endings.**

**What I DO want:**

**I ask that if you're honestly interested in this and you are the lucky one to catch the 1000th review, DO NOT put your fic request in the review. I want to surprise everyone else with the results.**

**Also, I would really like if you would tell me a bit more why you like this fic so much. Not required, just a request on my part. ^_~; I would like to hear what about my style you like/dislike, and what about the plotline you like/dislike. This is an attempt for me to improve my works, I'd like your help! ^_^ Now this isn't to say that I don't enjoy all my reviews, even the two word ones, they all make me happy knowing that someone is enjoying my fic enough to say something about it!**

**YOU HAVE TO BE LOGGED IN when you leave the 1,000th review! I need to be able to correspond with the person who grabs this milestone so that I can create a satisfactory oneshot prize, okay? No offense to those of you who leave not logged in reviews, I just don't know how I would manage creating a prizefic if I couldn't reach you somehow!**

**That all said, if there is some issue with the 1,000th review, I will take the review right before, or right after (maybe even both, not sure yet) for the prize.**

**Also, if (and I know you guys won't do this, I just have to say it for my own piece of mind) if I get a ton of anonymous reviews that seem like nothing more than trying to take up a number to reach the 1000th, I will disregard them and take the 1,000th review not including them. Okay? Fair? I hope so.**

**If this goes over well, I'll do it more often for other random things, (like; guess the character, or who knows what's going to happen next...something along those lines). I thought this would be fun, and it will be good for me to help take a break now and again, rethink and reorder my brain, ya know? LOL! Well, anyway, if you're offended for some reason by my little game, I am sorry. No offense was meant. K? k. Enjoi!**

**~I will also post this on my homepage so that anyone can just go check it out later.**


	48. Journal Entry 48

_**I'm moving the majority of my AN to the end.**_

_**We'll just leave these here:**_

_**Thank you to - **_**FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere my betas, and to my inspirations/those who have shared their ideas with me; Litahatchee, Lady Tecuma, Karategal, and Hearts of Eternity**

**Sorry for the delay on this. FFnet was having issues apparently and wouldn't let me post. Oh well, enjoy!  
**

* * *

_Journal entry; reset_

_ The next morning came as though nothing had happened. I woke up feeling great, got cleaned up and dressed and headed out to the farm. I thought, maybe, it had just been a little half-day sickness and now I was over it. Jolt, however, did not agree._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"Yes, okay, whatever! Scan me and get it over with already!" Aurian held her arms out to the side as though that might speed the process any.

Jolt looked the woman over, disbelieving his own optics. He had been sure that he would be trying to revive the woman come morning, yet here she stood, alive and seemingly well. "Alert me if you feel anything abnormal," he instructed as he began scanning slowly. Not wanting a repeat of his previous attempts to scan her, he chose to do one scan at a time instead of multiple scans all at once.

"I feel fine, hurry up already."

Still, he took his time. It mattered little to him if the human was in a hurry to be done with this or not, he would be sure it was done appropriately. Once the last scan ran he stood back and considered her some more. "You appear to be in working order."

"Working or..." Aurian shook her head, "I told you I was fine. It was probably just something I ate at the deli in town."

"Perhaps," though it was obvious he didn't believe that was the cause. "What are your intentions?"

"I don't know. I thought I'd feed the horses, maybe see if I could take one of them out for a ride. I just feel like being...free." Aurian seemed somewhat distant as she surveyed the land around her. She wasn't entirely sure why she felt this way. It was like, though she was completely unrestrained, that she was trapped and she just wanted to be away for a while.

"I would prefer it if you would remain where I can observe you."

"Stay where you can see me...uh-huh." Even in her absent response she sounded sarcastic. "Exactly what is your sensor range, Jolt?"

"Why do you ask?" Jolt was suspicious of the woman's query. What was she planning now?

"This farm is big, but I don't imagine it's bigger than what your sensors can pick up. I won't leave the property." Not waiting for his response she headed toward the stables. She had been drawn to the horses from the moment she had woken and the longer she waited the stronger the feeling became. The horses were fast and when she sat on them while they ran across open lands, she felt alive, liberated and that was exactly what she wanted right now.

Jolt watched her go, tracking her every move as though it may be a telling sign of something he could diagnose, some hidden illness that he could pick up by the most minute of things, but saw nothing amiss with the woman other than her seeming absentminded expression. ::Ratchet, the human appears to have recovered from whatever was afflicting her.::

::Scans?::

::All clean.::

::No negative response to them?::

::Other than her foul temperament? No.::

::I still want her to return to base as soon as possible.::

::Understood. I will report if there are any changes.::

The link fell silent and Jolt decided that, as long as the human was in no immediate danger, he might as well enjoy what time he had left here. This bit of Earth was rather pleasing to him.

* * *

Aurian patted Fred on the neck firmly as she rocked forward in the saddle. The horse had been all too thrilled to indulge the woman's desire for distance and speed, but he had now reached his limit and was ready to catch his breath and graze for a while. "Thanks, Fred," she whispered as she slid from her seat, releasing the horse to do as he pleased while she continued to wander. The horses knew the farm better than she ever would and, even if the animal became separated from her, he would return to the stables come feeding time, so she paid him no mind as she moved away from him.

Her attentions were first drawn by a young grove of wild fruit bearing trees. It was a pretty enough place, offering shade and pleasant smells along with brightly colored birds. However, though the birds taking refuge there were bright they were boisterous and Aurian was looking for a more settled atmosphere.

So she moved on, following a crack in the ground that grew to be a miniature canyon, separating the farm into two. It was interesting, providing Aurian with a bit of a challenge to get to the other side, of which she accepted with mild enthusiasm.

She continued her trip this way, allowing her eye to draw her to whatever might prove somehow interesting or, at the very least, momentarily amusing. Her mind seemingly uninterested in actually focusing on any one thing for more than a few moments.

Unaware of the passing of time or direction, Aurian found herself on a hill crest that revealed nothing but more open land to her, no matter where she looked. "Crap." It occurred to her just this moment that she had no idea where she was or how to get back to the farmhouse. Fred was also very absent from her view.

With a heavy sigh, she flopped into the heather of the hill so that she could stare up at the blue sky and the complete lack of any clouds. She was drawn in by the intense color of the sky today; it was just so amazingly blue that she could not bring her mind to think of much else. 'Same color as his optics...' she realized. It had now been a full four days since she had heard from the mech and her chest ached at the thought. "Sides?" Seeking the link between them and finding it just as empty as it had been when he had dampened it last, her spirits sank a little further. She wasn't really depressed; she just really missed him, worried about him.

Then an incredibly _odd_ sensation crept through her, starting at the spot where her skull met her spine and crawling down her nerves until it reached her chest, there it spread out like a small, painless explosion.

'Barrier breached: connection established.' The 'voice' was emotionless and very monotone, chilling.

"Sides?"

There was a spinning sensation, then; 'Message received: Sides.' It repeated the word she had spoken with no more variance than the statement preceding it. 'Attempting information download.' Buzzing filled her head – it was similar to the sensation of a belt sander on smooth wood both in the vibration and the way it seemed to be scouring her brain – and Aurian clutched at her head painfully, writhing and unable to even scream through the sensation. 'Error. Source not accepted. No information obtained.'

"What the fuck!?"

'...Message received: What the fuck. Reattempting information download.' Despite the absolute monotone and lack of emotion, the 'voice' seemed confused.

Again the buzzing sensation came but before it had really started Aurian got the distinct sensation of a door slamming shut along with a single word from a 'voice' she recognized...'NO!'

"Sideswipe!" she poured everything she could toward that sensation, toward that bond she shared with the mech that had remained so uncharacteristically silent over the past few days and found herself just as blocked off from him as she had been from Sunstreaker. "Sideswipe!" She knew that screaming would do her no good in reaching him, but it gave outlet to the emotions inside her.

Something was wrong. She had to find a way to reach him, to find out what was happening. "Sunstreaker! Sunny, please answer me!" she begged of the 'bot as she searched out her connection to him only to find that she was not as blocked out as she had thought, "Please, Sunstreaker, something's happened to Sideswipe!"

It was odd that it felt like she could push her thoughts and feelings toward the ill-tempered twin but she could not sense anything in return. "Sunny!" she screamed with all the urgency she could force into her desperate voice.

In return she did not receive a spoken answer, just a sensation of annoyed understanding. Aurian got the message as clearly as if the mech had been standing before her and had written it in the ground with fire: I know, but I don't know what's going on either.

"SIDESWIPE!" she screamed with every ounce of fear, anger, grief and energy that she could, bellowing out the pain and begging the world to answer her cry for hope.

Nothing.

* * *

"It's been a really long time." Sarah stood beside a reclining Jolt, looking out over the land in the direction he had last picked up Aurian's life signature.

"I'm sure she is fine. It seemed she wanted solitude." He didn't say that he was currently searching for the woman's signature again. She wasn't where he had last observed her being.

"I just worry, after what happened yesterday? I guess if she was good enough to get out of bed this morning she's probably just fine." Sarah sighed and turned to go back to the house when something very out of place caught her attention, "Fred?" The house was standing lazily near the doors to the stable, looking as though he were ready to go inside whenever anyone was ready to open the door for him.

"That is the mammal she rode this morning." Jolt's scans spread wide, instantly encompassing the entire property in a wave of energy. It took him less than a millisecond for the scan to return a signature to him. "She appears to be in distress."

"What are you waiting for?" Sarah looked up at the mech expectantly, "Let's go!"

Jolt did not think through his actions as he grabbed the demanding woman and started a loose lope toward where Aurian's signature was originating. His medical programming screaming that 'distress' wasn't the proper term. Her oxygen levels were low and her heart rate was high. What did that mean?

"SIDESWIPE!" Jolt very nearly stumbled backward as the cry rang through his audios. The woman's voice was strained and sounded raw. She had been screaming for a while...how had he _not_ heard her?

As soon as they were close enough Sarah was demanding to be put down, almost leaping from Jolt's hand in her hurry to get to the obviously emotionally-wrecked woman. She did not say a word, just fell beside Aurian and wrapped her in a fierce hug, tucking the other woman's head under her chin and rocking her softly from side to side. Aurian just sobbed into her shoulder, no clear words being able to make it past her torn throat aside from the name, 'Sideswipe'.

::Ratchet?::

::Please don't tell me there's something wrong with her.::

::What would you rather I say?::

::Frag it all to the Pit!::

::What's going on?::

::Something's happened to Sideswipe. Sunstreaker is trying to find out but it seems Sideswipe has closed off his bond. Aurian?::

::If I were to go by her current state? I would almost have to say he has closed her off as well.::

::This isn't good.::

Jolt looked over the woman before him, his scans almost reflexively seeking out a cause for her pain that he could fix. Unfortunately, emotional damage was not his area of practice. ::I think you have the better end of this deal...::

::Just...stay near her until we find out what's going on.::

Jolt sent a burst of noise to Ratchet making it perfectly clear that the idea was not a pleasing one. ::I don't think I have much of a choice.:: Just for emphasis he sent a short recording of the woman's wails to his mentor. ::Like I could leave her to suffer this alone?::

Ratchet didn't answer, not one single decibel of sound though it was clear that the line was still open.

::You'll tell me as soon as you know something?::

::Yes.:: The CMO spoke softly, determined and defeated all at the very same moment. Obviously the woman's cry had struck something in the older mech's spark and Jolt suspected it was a familiarity that he shared with his mentor; as medics they were exposed to the worst of everything. Especially grief.

* * *

Sarah thanked whatever being it was that had been looking down on them that day that she had been able to calm Aurian and get her back to the house. The woman was in complete turmoil, and though she understood _what_ was causing it, she didn't understand _how_. Aurian had been out and about on the farm all day. She didn't have a cell phone on her and not even Jolt had known that anything was awry until they had come upon the woman. How had she known anything had happened to Sideswipe?

Staring out the kitchen window, she pondered all the strange possibilities. It was true that there had been more than one occasion when she had just _known_ that something had happened to Will, but never so clearly as what Aurian seemed to have claimed. Granted she couldn't say _what_ had happened, only that something had happened and that it scared her. She had even said something about another mech named Sunstreaker and how he couldn't reach Sideswipe either. How had she known that?

A soft sniffle brought her back to the room she stood in and the woman that shared the space with her. "You want some tea? It usually helps me feel better."

Aurian nodded. She had screamed until her voice was nearly nonexistent, the thought of warm tea was every kind of appealing.

Sarah gave her another sympathetic smile and set to work making a soothing concoction from the variety of loose leaf teas she owned. Something for nerves, something for the mind, something for sore throat and something that gave it all a very pleasant flavor and scent. Now, if only she had something for wounded hearts. "Jolt said..." Sarah paused in her words. She knew it was best to divert Aurian's thoughts, but she had been spending all week doing that and it seemed about time to try and help her face those darker feelings. "Jolt said you have a 'connection' with this Sideswipe guy."

Again Aurian nodded.

"You're pretty close to him?"

Aurian shrugged one shoulder at this – it wasn't an 'I don't know', more an 'in a way'.

"He's the one you were talking about before? The one you said was like a brother to you?" She meant it more of a statement than a question but waited for a response anyway, handing Aurian a cup of steeping tea.

The woman simply nodded and accepted the cup.

"And, Sunstreaker is...?"

"Twin," Aurian's voice cracked horribly.

"Oh! I guess I never thought of twins with them before. Okay, honestly I hadn't thought about siblings with them either. I guess it makes sense; they can have offspring so they can have siblings. Twins? Huh." Sarah settled herself across the table from where Aurian was moping; the woman had hardly moved an inch since she had sat her there. "So, are you close to Sunstreaker too?"

A painful laugh escaped Aurian before she shook her head. "He doesn't like me much," she croaked before pulling the steeping ball out of the tea. Sipping at the pleasing liquid, Aurian reveled in the relief it brought to her tortured throat.

"Oh. Because you like Sideswipe?"

"Because I'm...so close to Sideswipe." Aurian had to fight with herself not to say that Sunstreaker despised the bond she shared with his brother and that he would cut it out of her if he thought that he could without hurting his twin in the process, with little care if she would survive. Or, at least that is how she felt he perceived the whole mess.

"That hardly seems fair."

"I can't say I blame him." Aurian drank deeply of the warm liquid; it was near to heaven at this very moment. "They've only had each other for...longer then we could probably even imagine. Then, poof, here I am. Suddenly here and..." 'soon to be gone, in their eyes anyway.' Aurian sighed. She had considered her lifespan compared to theirs a time or two and she was barely an instant in time compared to their lives.

"I guess I can see that, but it's still not fair though."

"Guess that's just who he is."`

Sarah let the silence drift between them for a while, sipping at her own warmed drink. "I know, it's not really any of my business...how are you...connected...to them?"

Aurian thought back to a conversation she had once had with Will and Rob about bonds. "It's really complicated."

"You've said that before."

"It's still complicated." Aurian sighed, a short hiccup in her breath as she did, "Its like...it's like he's a part of me."

Sarah nodded, "I would assume that since you called him like a brother you would feel close to him."

"No," she gently set the cup she held down, one hand absently moving to rub at her chest and her clenching shut against fresh tears, "An _actual_ part of me."

Somehow it seemed it all suddenly made sense. Will saying the woman had been through 'a lot', Aurian's claim of everything being so 'complicated', Jolt's explanation of a mysterious 'connection'...the scars, Ratchet, everything. She looked at the woman in a new light. While the military was expending every effort to try and learn about these aliens, to breach the gap between them this one person had done it...and was suffering for it. Was this the result of the military or of the aliens? Either way, Sarah could clearly see that Aurian needed Sideswipe and she suspected that the mech needed her as well.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; seeking sleep_

_ I crawled to bed that night after asking Jolt if he'd heard anything. He said that if he had he would have told me...though somehow I felt like he was treating me as a child to be shielded from certain truths._

_ It took me a long time to fall asle__ep; every few minutes, I wa__s searching out that link to him and every time finding it just as closed off as it was before. It hurt. Physically hurt every time. It reminded me very much of the pain I had felt when Sideswipe had been longing for Sunstreaker, though this was more fearful, a stabbing aching pain that just broke my heart a little more every time. Gods...if anything happened to him I was sure I was going to die from a broken heart._

_ Every now and again I would feel a faint, soothing pulse wash over me. There was never any thought attached or emoti__on to it – just __a simple, calming...'vibe' I guess__ – __that would seep through me and help me calm down a little. It usually followed a particularly bad pain from the closed off connection with Sideswipe. I knew it was Sunstreaker, even if he wouldn't respond to me._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	49. Journal Entry 49

**Thank you as always Litahatchee, Eowyn77 and FORD B.**

**and to readers like you...^_~**

_

* * *

Journal entry; confrontations_

_ Parking lot. Dang._

_ Okay, so here I was again. I recognized it for what it had been, a place where I could somehow reach out to Sidesw__ipe and Sunstreaker. Jazz had been here once too, so had all the other Autobots and Barricade._

_ As far as I could see it looked just like my apartment complex, the surrounding buildings were all the same, parking lots dotted in between and a few sparse play areas for occupant's children. Everything was as it should have been aside from the number of strange vehicles packed into the lot. I wondered just how far this...place...extended. Was there something beyond my own lot and apartment? Instead of just seeking out something familiar I decided I would explore this place. There just had to be _some_ reason I kept ending up here. I picked out a random vehicle, one I had no clue what it was or what to call and walked over to it. I looked down at the thing wondering what it was, or I guess, who it was._

_ Reaching out a hand I felt an odd tingling sensation, like too much static had built up on the surface__,__ and the closer I got t__o the strange car, the more intense the sensation grew until an arch of blue light flashed between my hand and the vehicle. The engine roared angrily and the car rocked back, away from my hand for a split second...though at__ the very same moment it hadn't moved at all. This whole perception thing was going to be difficult to get used to._

_ "Who are you?" I asked. My answer was another revving of the engine, though this time it felt dangerous, threatening. "How am I supposed to talk to you..." I moved away from the__ vehicle,__ crossing my arms over my chest. It was obvious by the sounds of the engi__ne that thi__s being was n__ot pleased with my presence, or at least that's what I thought I was feeling from it._

_ I had 'spoken' with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker both while I had been trapped here previously; how had I done that? "Ruby!" I turned to run back into my...well, I guess it wasn't, but it looked like my apartment building. However, as I spun around, a d__ark mass caught my eye. It was more like a cloudy shadow than anything physically there and I could see thic__k, black tendrils ha__ng__ing off of it. My curiosity won over my desire to get the laptop, and I followed the shadow in the sky through the parking lot into an adjoining one (which was strange because I never really _left_ this one, it was m__ore like the second one just layered over the first, replacing the vehicles that had been there but if I turned I could see where they were still there in the parking lot behind me...yeah, that perception thing again...)._

_ Somehow, the closer I got, the more I knew that whatever this thing was...it was bad._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian stood with her eyes fixed to the dark shadow hanging in the sky. It was fuzzy, as if it were out of focus, and she strained to make it clear. "What is that?"

'Get away.' The voice was soft, almost a whisper, and full of pain.

All the blood drained from her face as Aurian's gaze shifted from the thing hovering above to what all the tendrils were affixed to, "Sideswipe!" She ran toward the car, only briefly wondering why he was here instead of beside Sunstreaker where he belonged.

'No, stay out,' he was pleading with her, no pretense of being brave or strong. Instead it felt to Aurian he was more afraid for her than anything else.

"Gods, Sides, what is all this?"

'Message received: Gods Sides what is all this. Seeking source.' One of the tendrils lifted from the Stingray representation of Sideswipe, slithering and squirming like a snake as it drifted toward her. She noted that the tendrils were more metallic in nature than she had thought.

Aurian sidestepped the tendril easily; it seemed blind to her physical presence. "Sideswipe, are you alright?" It didn't _look_ like he was hurt, though she couldn't imagine he was comfortable.

'Message received: Sideswipe are you alright.' The previously lost tendril snapped to attention, slithering rapidly in Aurian's direction. 'Source located, attempting connection.'

'Get away!' the silver car shuttered, engine revving angrily. The tendrils still attached to him seemed to tighten around him, clamping down harder, and the one seeking Aurian hesitated for a moment before resuming its search.

Aurian moved away from the tendril again, jogging closer to Sideswipe's alt form. "Are you okay?" She pressed a hand to the car's hood, looking for...she didn't know what but feeling comforted by the contact. "What is...all this?" She tugged on one of the tendrils that was wrapped over the car's hood and disappeared through the seams. The tendril snapped taut, digging deeper through the crevice.

'Message received: What is all this. Proceeding with connection attempt.' Once more locking on her location, the seeking tendril slithered toward her, this time reaching her before she could move out of the way. It wrapped around her right ankle and spiraled up her leg faster than lightning, 'Making connection.'

The same odd sensation she had felt before came back as the tendril pressed to the base of her skull; she could also feel Sideswipe fighting against that sensation.

'Connection complete. Proceed with message download.'

A new 'voice' entered her mind, 'Autobot Sunstreaker, we have your brother. If you would like to see him still active ever again I recommend you follow my instructions and comply swiftly.' Aurian's heart pounded heavily at her chest as she listened to the voice, she knew this voice. 'My request is simple; acquire the Allspark shard and the human femme and deliver them to a rendezvous location that I will provide you upon confirmation.' The voice fell silent, waiting.

Aurian's mind was racing. She wanted to scream at the mech intruding on their bond to send ransom demands, she wanted to plead for Sideswipe's life, to tell Starscream that he was so full of himself he didn't even realize he had reached the _wrong_ individual.

'Don't...' Sideswipe instructed softly, though the feelings that followed were ones of keeping a secret, of not divulging who she was.

'Confirm.' Starscream demanded angrily.

She was at a loss; if she let them believe they had reached Sunstreaker, they wouldn't know about the bond between them but would probably assume that the twin was denying their demands. What was she supposed to do? She sent her desperate emotions to Sideswipe, begging him to tell her what to do.

'Incoming data,' the monotone voice stated. 'Designation unconfirmed; does not match intended target.'

'Who is this?' Now there was suspicion in Starscream's voice and Aurian began to panic. What would they do to Sideswipe if she didn't answer them? 'Your silence will not protect your companion; it is in his best interest for you to respond.'

Sideswipe was trying to close their link, she could feel it like a cramp deep inside, but whoever had established contact with her was preventing him from a repeat of their previous contact termination. 'No!' he snarled angrily through the link, both to Aurian and to those who were pushing for more information from her.

'Will you comply? Or do I extinguish his spark now?'

"NO!" Aurian slapped her hand over her mouth; she had fallen for the bait.

'Designation unconfirmed. Individual unknown.' Still Aurian could sense something like curiosity or confusion, or maybe both, in the monotone voice. It was as though she could sense the feelings behind the voice even though the voice did not carry them.

'Identify yourself,' Starscream demanded. 'It's obvious you have concern for this mech...'

Pain ripped through her bond with Sideswipe and she felt the echo from Sunstreaker as he felt the pain as well. "Stop!" She simply couldn't let Starscream hurt Sideswipe anymore. "I'll...I'll comply with your demands, just don't hurt him!"

'NO!' Sideswipe roared through the link. 'Don't you DARE!'

"Sides...I can't..."

'NO!'

More pain tore through their link and Aurian fell onto the hood of the car before her. "Stop it!" She grabbed at the tendrils attached to Sideswipe's alt form, pulling with all her strength to remove them. "I'll do what you ask, just stop!" One tendril finally snapped loose and she fell back with the momentum of her actions.

'Termination recommended; unidentified source is severing tap from internal connections.' Aurian hardly paid the monotone voice any mind at all as she leapt for another tendril that was snaking in to take the place of the one she had pulled free.

'Not yet.' Clearly Starscream was amused by something. 'I think we may have something here. State your designation...femme.'

Still pulling at the new tendril Aurian didn't notice the inflections in the mech's tone. "What does it matter, Starscream? You'll get what you want! Let Sides go!"

Dark laughter filled the air around her, drawing Aurian's attention to the fact that the harder she struggled with the tendrils, the more descended to cover the car. 'Is that so?'

She stepped back from Sideswipe, anger and frustration tightening her muscles, demanding she do _something_, "Where am I supposed to go?"

'I trust you remember where you last paid us a visit, human?'

A sinking feeling stole away all of her bravo, Starscream knew who she was. "Yeah."

'Three days. You and the shard, or I will extinguish his spark. Understood?'

"I can't get the shard! Optimus has it!"

'Aurian!' Sideswipe scolded instantly, regret quick on the heels of his outburst. He had just confirmed beyond doubt that he had a connection with the human woman...

'Very well. ' Starscream's voice was that of a hunter cornering his prey; he knew what he wanted and now it seemed he knew how to get it. 'I will settle for just you, for now. I recommend that you not attempt anything foolhardy, if you care for your mech's spark that is.'

With a sickening sensation Aurian felt the tendril that had been attach to her release and slither away even as she watched the ones wrapped around Sideswipe's alt form vanish as well, the shadow above quick to fade away once they were gone.

'Aurian, you idiot!' Aurian could feel his despair, his rage and his guilt flooding their bond, 'You can't hand yourself over to them!'

"I can't let them kill you." Her voice was flat, drained of any emotion aside from submission to what seemed inevitable.

'I'll get away! They can't keep me, Aurian. Never have, never will. Don't you even think about it!'

"Sideswipe..." She rubbed one hand over his hood, her heart aching as she did. "I've got to go." She turned away, letting her hand drag against his hood as long as she could before she was too far.

'Aurian!'

She didn't turn back. She had things to do.

* * *

Aurian clutched the keys in her hand tightly as she looked over the things she had gathered; her wallet, a change of clothes and something resembling breakfast. She was procrastinating, she knew it, and at the same time, she knew that it didn't matter. The end was going to be the same no matter how fast she got there; she could only hope that Sideswipe would come out of it alive.

Grabbing a pen and note pad that was hung on the refrigerator for shopping lists, Aurian sat down to scribble out a quick message to Sarah. After all, it was the least she could do for borrowing the woman's car without permission.

* * *

::Jolt.::

Jolt had been in a rather deep recharge; something about this 'country air', as Sarah Lennox put it, was so soothing to his systems he couldn't help but to fall to the deeper callings of recharge.

::Jolt! Respond, now.:: Ratchet did not sound amused at all and, considering the time, Jolt could only imagine what was going on.

::What is it?::

::Get Aurian, now.::

That snapped any grogginess from his processor immediately. ::What's going on?::

::Sunstreaker says that Sideswipe's been taken prisoner.::

::Primus...::

::Find her, Jolt.:: The order was a cover for barely contained outrage and panic.

Jolt recognized the tension in his mentor and knew that the situation was teetering between disaster and prevention. His scanners flared to life searching for the woman's life signature, only to find it was absent. "Slag." Just to be sure he scanned again, stretching his search as far as his scanners could reach. Still nothing. ::Ratchet...::  
::Don't tell me she's not there or I'm going to remove your limbs and put them on backwards.::

At that moment Sarah Lennox came running from the house, a small piece of paper clutched in her hands, "Jolt, please tell me you've seen Aurian?"

"I wish I could say I have."

Sarah's eyes closed as if she had been struck. "We've got to go after her!" She held up the paper as she ran closer to Jolt expectantly.

"What is that?"

"A good-bye note."

Jolt shifted into his alt mode, a deep sense of doom settling in his tanks. "Would you please tell me what she has said?"

Sliding into the driver's seat Sarah held the paper up so she could read it in the pale morning light.

_**Dear Sarah,**_

_** Thank you for your hospitality and your kindness. I can never repay that**_

_**to you. Not that I don't want to try, it's just that I'm not going to have the chance.**_

_** I'm sure you'll notice your car's gone. Sorry, I needed a ride and I**_

_** couldn't ask Jolt for this one. Besides, I kinda need the time alone to think on my**_

_** way.**_

_** I can't say where I'm going because I **__**can't have anyone coming after me. **_

_** That includes you, Jolt, and the others. I know they're going to try anyway, but at**_

_** least the Gods can't say I didn't try.**_

_** Really, all**__** I want to say here is thank you for everything and good-bye. I**_

_** really wish we could have had more ti**__**me – y**__**ou'd have been a great friend.**_

_** Could you do me a favor and tell the guys, all of them, that I'll miss them? **_

_** And if yo**__**u could get a message to Sunstreaker, just tell him that I know it wasn't**_

_** good enough but I tried. Okay?**_

_** Sorry to do this to you.**_

_** Thanks,**_

_** ~Aurian Fae Towns**_

Jolt listened in disbelief. Where was she going? What was she doing? And why didn't she want anyone coming after her? Even if she knew already that Sideswipe had been captured, what was it she was planning to do about it? ::Ratchet, it appears that she has no intentions of returning.::

* * *

Ratchet glared at the screen before him as though it deserved nothing less than a fully loaded plasma blast. It wasn't really the screen earning such a glare, nor what was on it, it was the words he had received approximately three hours ago from Jolt. '...no intentions of returning.'

"So?" Ironhide cautiously approached the fuming medic. "Any word?"

"No."

"What about Sunstreaker?" He glanced to where the twin paced, every bit the image of a caged animal.

"He's fine."

"Well, that's good, isn't it?" Ironhide hated that he was the one trying to defuse a potentially volatile situation. He wanted nothing more than to demand the plane be ready _now_ and that they were on their way to the Lennox's farm. As it was, the plane was being prepped as fast as it could be. "If he's alright then that means Sides is okay too, right? Aurian too?"

"Yes."

'Great, short answers, this isn't going to go well at all.' Ironhide considered trying to pry Sunstreaker for answers; at this point he thought he might have more luck with the more explosive mech than he was having with the tight-lipped medic.

"I'm going," Sunstreaker suddenly stated as though it had been the topic of discussion.

"What?" Both Ironhide and Ratchet asked at the same time, Ironhide giving the young mech a suspicious look while Ratchet merely tensed and glared at the screen harder.

"I'll find her."

This statement drew even Ratchet's fixed glare from the screen. "How?"

"Bond. I can follow it and find her. I'll catch up to her wherever it is she thinks she's running off to hide."

"Why do I think this is only a ploy at being let loose so you can go after Sideswipe?"

"I have every intention of going after him too, but that human needs to be found first." There was a glint in the young warrior's optics that neither of the older mechs trusted; however, his honesty forced them to think over the truth of his words. If anyone could find the woman in Sideswipe's absence, it was Sunstreaker.

Ironhide looked to Ratchet for his thoughts on the matter. Ratchet was studying Sunstreaker trying to weigh the options, and Sunstreaker was glaring at them both as though they were wasting his time. "It's Optimus's call," Ratchet finally stated.

"I'll tell him." Sunstreaker left the med bay before either mech could say anything further.

It was very obvious there was a plan forming in the young warrior's processor and Ironhide did not trust it. "He's up to something."

Ratchet wasn't too fond of the look the mech had given them either. "He's always up to something."

"I get the feeling we're really going to regret it this time."

"We regret it every time."

"Not like this."

Ratchet returned to glaring at the screen he had been attempting to melt with his optics. "I know."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; two steps ahead_

_ I'm no idiot. I knew that as soon as Sarah found my note that she and Jolt would be on my tail and that the others wouldn't be far behind. How far do you think I would have made it in her car? Not far._

_ I drove to a parking garage in the city and found __a taxi tha__t would take me across state lines, where I got on a bus that went to a train station that went across another state line, got on another bus and took that to the airport where I flew to my actual destination. I spent an entire day going in the wrong direction, leaving the extra clothing I had taken as I went, even left my wallet after withdrawing all the money I could from my bank somewhere far south of where I intended to go._

_ Okay, I'm not going to pretend that I knew how all this crap worked, but I was pretty proud __of myself for my efforts. Yeah, they'd probably find some way to track me dow__n, bu__t hopefully it __wouldn't be until after I had reached my destination._

_ ~Aurian F__ae_

_

* * *

_**A/N: So sorry it took me so long to get all this up! School is nuts! Let's just say I'm better at taking things apart with a torch than I am at putting them back together. Did you know metal explodes when you make it too hot too fast? Well, I do now. ^_^ Wheeljack's got nothing on me! Hahahah!**

**Also, random recommended reading: Anasazi Darkmoon has been writing a fic called Discovered by the Roadside. It's a wonderfully amusing fic with everything from Drama to Humor in it...^_~ I've been chatting with her about an idea or two, and let's just say that Darklight is my new favorite badmech...heheh. Go give it a look see, will ya?**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	50. Journal Entry 50

**~~~Um, what do you mean Wednesday isn't Monday? ^_^? LOL, sorry guys, I know I told a lot of you Monday but this chapter just needed so much reworking. I'm even posting before it's officially back from my Beta2 just because I feel so bad for waiting so long. Forgive me?**

_**As always: Thank you Litahatchee, Karategal, Hearts of Eternity, Lady Tecuma, Eowyn77 and FORD B. Not to mention all you readers. Can't forget you guys!

* * *

**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; nerves_

_ I hadn't sensed anything from Sideswipe that entire day. I wondered if the Decepticons were somehow preventing him or if he was dampening our link. I guess he __was probably pretty mad at me, but what was I supposed to do? If they killed him..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Optimus held the Allspark shard between his thumb and forefinger. Such a small thing now, once the treasure of an entire planet and now a mere scrap. Not for the first time he questioned his wisdom for having sent the artifact into space. He had spread their war by doing so and had doomed Cybertron to a slow death.

Setting the fragment on his desk, he switched his attention to the data pads containing the specs for the compound that would house the shard. The humans had completed as much as they could until they received his approval of their plans so they could finalize construction.

'What does it matter?' he wondered. There was nothing left the shard could do, aside from remind him of his failure. Still, it seemed only right that this last remaining fragment of their hopes be preserved.

An angered pounding at his office door reminded him that there were other matters to be attended to as well. "Enter."

He was not surprised in the least that it was Sunstreaker who stormed into his office. It really was only a matter of time until the mech cornered him somewhere. What did surprise him were the words the angered mech spoke.

"I'm going after the human."

"What?"

"I can find her."

Optimus knew Sunstreaker had little appreciation for the human; though they had all been aware of his waning hostilities toward her, this still seemed uncharacteristic of the young warrior. "What are your intentions?"

Sunstreaker's weight shifted from one side to the other, optics darting down for a split second before he fixed Optimus with a stubborn glare. "What I said; I am going after her."

"And you will bring her back here?"

"I will do what I have to."

Optimus studied the young mech before him, searching for the truth behind his words. There was something he was not aware of, that much he could tell. "And after you have recovered her, what do you intend to do?"

"I think you already know."

"You intend to go after your brother." There was no question, it was expected that Sunstreaker would demand he be allowed to go after Sideswipe, but why was he going after the human first? "Why do I sense there is more to this than what you are telling me?"

Sunstreaker slammed his hands down on Optimus's desk, anger turning his optics into two burning points of pure blue fire, "Do you want me to go get her or not?"

Still Optimus felt in his spark that there was something important he was missing, but in Sideswipe's absence the single bot that had the best chance of locating the woman was Sunstreaker. "Go. Report as soon as you have located her. Do not attempt to go after Sideswipe alone. A team is preparing..."

"Fine," he knew he was pushing his limits with the Prime, but right now Sunstreaker didn't much care, "I'll contact you when I get her." Hands clenched in tight fists the young mech stormed out of Optimus's office much the same way he had entered.

Somewhat confused with Sunstreaker's lack of argument and his spark twisting with the unknown cause for the young mech's odd behavior, Optimus decided he would speak with Ratchet. Perhaps the medic had some insight to all of this.

He left his office, locking the door behind him and headed to the medical wing.

Sunstreaker watched his leader head down the hall, a part of him knowing that he was going to regret his actions. 'Sideswipe is worth it,' he told himself, looking to the small shard clutched in his hand, 'even treason.' He dropped the small item into a protective compartment on his arm before he headed toward the landing strip.

* * *

Will looked at the brewing storm that was Sunstreaker with great concern, "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"It is an idea. I never said anything about it being _good_." Ironhide glanced from Sunstreaker to Will and back again. This behavior was not new to Ironhide, he had been around the front-liner twins long enough to recognize the foul mood for what it was; distress, concern, worry...all the emotions that the two would downright refuse to admit, especially Sunstreaker. Though, this whole situation drew Ironhide's levels of concern about the twin's temperament to an all time high.

Sunstreaker had stormed onto the plane at the last moment, saying Optimus had approved his offer to find the human woman and then promptly ignored everyone, settling into a personal ball of rising tension near the back of the plane, secluding himself from the other passengers.

"And he's going to find Aurian...how?"

"Through their bond."

"Uh...maybe I'm mistaken but I haven't noticed him being to open toward her. Doesn't a bond bring them closer?"

Ironhide vented softly; logic would dictate that if there was a bond between two...beings...that they would be, at the very least, kind to one another. Sunstreaker was anything but to Aurian. However, in the case of siblings, as this bond was being treated as, it could vary greatly. Just look at Optimus and Megatron for example. "It doesn't quite work that way between siblings."

"Okay? I'm lost."

Ironhide sighed, he could understand how Will might have become confused, and compared to how Aurian and Sideswipe interacted, one would think that Aurian and Sunstreaker were born enemies. "They are all, apparently, bonded; however, Sunstreaker is not as receptive to the bond as Sideswipe has been. I can only assume he can still use it to locate her."  
"So, why doesn't he just ask her where she went?"

"I was wondering that myself." Ironhide watched the young mech, taking into consideration the way he was sitting, closed off from everyone, how he held his hand over one arm and an almost painful look on his face. Despite the anger he was exuding, Ironhide got the notion that the mech was feeling guilty about something, and usually Sunstreaker feeling guilty meant nothing good for anyone around him. It almost never happened, and when it did, bad things usually followed. "Sunstreaker?" He rose and dared approach the young warrior cautiously. If he intended to get any information from the moody twin, he was going to have to be wary of his own actions. "What's on your processor?"

Sunstreaker's head jerked up, eyes shifting between where his hand rested on his arm, moving it swiftly, and then to Ironhide, "Nothing."

"It sure doesn't look like nothing."

"Just trying to get ready to find that human."

Setting himself beside Sunstreaker, Ironhide paid mind to how everyone else on the plane was staying as far from the fuming mech as they could conceivably get, even Will had sought out greater distance now that he didn't have Ironhide beside him, "Have you tried reaching her?"

Sunstreaker snarled angrily, "She's not answering me." It was true. Despite his contempt for the bond, he had realized that contacting her would be easier than hunting her down, only to find that she had turned tactics on him and was now refusing _his_ calls. He just _knew_ she was hiding, that she was afraid the 'Cons would come find her; he could still feel her fear through the bond. 'She should have come to me...' again his hand ghosted over the compartment that the Allspark shard rested in.

"Why would she be ignoring you?" Ironhide could guess; Sunstreaker had few kind words to say to the woman in person, and he could only imagine what he would have said over their bond.

"Because she's a coward!" he snapped, glaring at his onetime mentor.

This outburst had gained the attention of everyone in the plane, anyone guessing as to the conversation that was being held looked as though they might argue, though none wanted to speak up to the volatile mech.

Ironhide found that he was growing even more suspicious of Sunstreaker's behavior. "Aurian has shown time and again that she is no coward, so what in the name of Primus would make you say that?" he demanded, his voice dropping to dangerously low levels.

"Nothing." Sunstreaker could still hear Sideswipe's plea to him over their bond before their connection was forcefully dampened to a point they could no longer reach out to one another, _'They want her and the shard...'_ He fully intended to get his brother back, no matter what.

Ironhide resisted the urge to punch the stubborn mech in the face. He was not a counselor, he didn't have the patience for it. Instead, he got to his feet and dragged Sunstreaker up with him, holding the mech by his armor so he had no choice but to look him in the optics, "Slag it, Sunstreaker! You know something you're not telling us, now out with it!"

There was an announcement that the plane had reached their destination and that they would be landing shortly, though the oblivious voice did nothing to defuse the tension.

"I know Sideswipe is in the hands of the 'Con's and that that _human_ ran as soon as she caught wind of it. What does that tell _you_ 'Hide?"

"Obviously you do not know Aurian very well at all."

"And it seems to me you _think_ you know her _too_ well."

The plane bumped, causing Ironhide to lose his grip on the young mech, "What are you getting at, Sunstreaker?"

Brushing his armor as though Ironhide may have left some grime on it, Sunstreaker turned for the exit, ignoring the scrambling humans around him, "Isn't it obvious to you? Your brave little human ran. She betrayed the bond with my brother to go into hiding. You all keep treating her like an Autobot, but she's just another fleshbag. Just because she wears the symbol doesn't make her one of us."

Ironhide had to fight back his own rage, there was something off about all this. Sunstreaker may not have any love for the humans, especially not Aurian, but he wasn't one to outright denounce someone's allegiance. He, of all mechs, had no right. "You're hiding something." He didn't have time to go after the younger mech and beat the answers from him like he wanted to, they had to be in their alt modes by the time the doors opened and from the looks of things Sunstreaker had every intention of being the first out.

Sunstreaker didn't answer Ironhide's accusation, he simply transformed into his alt mode and sped from the aircraft the second he thought he could without scratching his paint.

"He sure seems in a hurry," Will noted as he climbed into Ironhide's cab.

"He's always in a hurry."

"Yeah, well, he's headed the wrong way," he tilted his head in the direction Sunstreaker had taken off in, "All reports say Aurian headed south."

"Obviously the reports are wrong." Ironhide headed out, leading a small battalion of human vehicles. ::Sunstreaker, keep in contact.:: He knew it was pointless to try and rein in the young mech now, and by the retreating roar of his engine, he knew that Sunstreaker knew where he was headed. The only response he got to his call was the screech of tires as Sunstreaker made a turn no Earth vehicle would have been able to do, ::And keep your holograph on!::

"I've got a really bad feeling about this," Will groaned.

"So do I."

* * *

Sarah couldn't believe the relief she felt when she saw Ironhide's familiar bulk coming down their driveway. She and Jolt had returned to the farm when it was clear they would not catch up to the woman and had been instructed to wait for a 'search party'. Now that Ironhide was here, they could begin their search anew.

Grabbing the paper with Aurian's good-bye message in one hand and her daughter in the opposite arm, she rushed outside to greet her husband and incoming guests.

Without a word she latched onto Will, hugging him as hard as she could without dropping Annabelle, and he returned the gesture just as enthusiastically. "Sarah..."

She pushed away and handed him the paper, her eyes pleading with him to tell her that he could fix this.

Will read the note, a grim expression quickly taking over his features. "Son of a...Ironhide!"

* * *

Aurian sat wearily at a table in an all night diner, holding a cup of coffee between her hands, though she didn't seem interested in it. She had been traveling all day to get this far and she still had a long way to go. On the table beside her sat a napkin that she had scribbled down numbers on, if she had to keep going this way she wasn't going to get there in time. 'Damn it!' she groaned loudly and let her head fall onto the table, 'how am I going to do this?'

A now familiar tug at her mind told her that Sunstreaker was trying to reach her again. She had been ignoring the mech on the grounds that Sideswipe had probably told him what she was up to and he was out to stop her. She had worked at her courage long and hard to convince herself to follow through with this, and she didn't need anyone trying to convince her otherwise. 'I have to save Sides,' was her mantra. What else was she to do? Ignore Starscream's demands and let them kill Sideswipe? She couldn't live with herself if she let that happen.

"You okay, hun?" The waitress had apparently returned to see if she needed anything more.

Aurian worked at a convincing smile and looked up. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just been a really long day."

"Where you headin'? If you don't mind me askin'." She poured a little more coffee into the cup Aurian held, there wasn't much room but apparently it gave the woman something to do.

"Oregon. Got a friend in need waiting for me."

"Oh? I hope it's nothing serious!"

"Yeah," Aurian couldn't keep the fear from her voice as she spoke. Why was she even telling this stranger anyway? 'It's nice to talk to someone...' she told herself, 'and besides, what more do I really have to lose?' "It's life or death actually. I'm afraid I'm not going to get there in time."

"That's terrible!" The waitress took into account the napkin Aurian had scribbled on and the state of the woman herself, "Hun, yer takin' the bus? It's been delayed cause of a snowstorm that's rollin' in."

Aurian groaned heavily, just what she needed. "Don't suppose there's a taxi service around here?"

"Not one that's gonna brave the storm, no." Taking pity on the woman the waitress put a hand on her shoulder, "Hold on, don't go nowhere. I got some trucker friends that are headed that way. You might be able to catch a ride with one of 'em."

"They'll drive in a snowstorm?"

The waitress smiled, "They got deadlines, hun. These guys don't care what mother nature says, they're gonna get where they got'ta go." With a soft pat on the shoulder, the woman left to seek out one of her friends.

Aurian was unsure about riding with a stranger that obviously cared little for safety, but then again, at this point what choice did she have? She regretted that she had spent so much time going in the wrong direction. If she had just headed straight for Oregon in the first place she would have been at least mostly there by now instead of sitting here with time running out and it looking like she wasn't going to make it.

She was surprised when a rather slim man scooted into the seat across from her, a broken smile on his face. "Hey, I heard you're looking to get to Oregon sooner than soon. Is that true?"

"Yeah." Aurian was nervous with the way this man looked at her; was he being cautious or sleazy? Funny how the two looks could be so similar. "Are you willing to take me there?"

"What's the rush? Why would a pretty young girl like yourself risk getting in a truck with an absolute stranger heading into bad weather? Don't you know people get killed that way?"

"Uh..." this man was definitely creepy, "Yeah...it's just that...my brother, he's...he's in trouble and if I don't get there soon he's going to die."

The man reeled a little at the open confession, "Die? As in, 'die' die? Or as in be in a lot of trouble?"

"I'm not exaggerating. He will die if I don't get there in two days."

"Wow, that's...crazy." The man sighed heavily, brushing a hand through his short, dusty brown hair. He studied the woman's expression, her exhaustion and travel weary state, the way her eyes wouldn't focus on anything, how she seemed so hopeless at that very moment. If she was lying, she was good. "Okay, well, I guess if you're willing to take a chance that I might be some kind of murderer and ride along with me, I'm willing to take you as far as I can," he smiled again, "My name's Buster. You?"

"Aurian."

"Pretty name."

"Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me."

"Oh, I think I can guess." Buster stood, nodding his head toward the door, "Come on, Edna said she'd cover your tab. We don't have much time before that storm rolls in. Best to get as much distance behind us as we can."

"Okay." Aurian could only hope that her little internal voice that said this man was a good man was right. 'Because asking some stranger to drive me to my doom is any more comforting,' she thought morbidly to herself.

* * *

Sunstreaker sped along the roads with little to no regard for any of the other vehicles, including the ones with flashing lights that would follow him for as long as they could before he left them in his dust. He could feel Aurian's bond getting stronger; he was getting closer to her.

Ironhide had told him what the human had written in her message to the major's wife, and now that he was drawing closer to her, he was starting to believe in what she said. Maybe she wasn't a coward after all. She had intentionally mislead her trackers and then headed for the Decepticon base on her own. What did she intend to do once she got there? She couldn't take on the entire base alone. Maybe she wasn't a coward, but Sunstreaker was becoming increasingly convinced she was a world-class idiot.

'Human! Would you just answer me! For once!' Again he felt the block she had somehow learned to wield against him and his engine revved with his anger, pouring on more speed.

The roads began to grow slick as a white, semi frozen liquid began falling from the sky, but that meant little to Sunstreaker. He could adjust his tires quickly enough to prevent any major disaster, though he had to keep in mind that, at the speeds he was traveling, one slip could mean certain doom.

'Slag it, human!' he tried again; of all the times to ignore him, she chose now? 'If you don't respond I'm going to deactivate you myself! Sides can deal with it!'

The roads grew eerily void of anything as the white powder continued to fall. All that much better for him, Sunstreaker decided. Fewer vehicles meant fewer things in his way.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; road trip friends_

_ Buster was an interesting man to say the least. He was a long time truck driver, having __gotten into the business in his early twenti__es, and __it seemed the life fit him. He had 'homes', so to speak, everywhere and had thousands of fun stories to tell. Buster liked to talk. A lot. It was a good thing really because the more he talked the less I thought about where I was going and what I was about to do._

_ The snow started coming down something fierce and I knew we woul__dn't be able to go much farther, but Buster never said anything about it. He just kept on driving._

_ He only briefly asked about my 'brother', just enough to come to the conclusion that I was really worried about him and that talking about it wasn't such a good idea._

_ I became so relaxed with Buster's continued conversation I forgot to keep blocking out Sunny's persistent attempts to contact me._

_ 'Slaggin human, you're going to regret it the minute I get my hands on you!'_

_ Oh, well, crap. Guess he was mad._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

**AN: Yeah, okay, I know...there's a lot going on here. A lot you don't see is going on in the background too. I've got everything getting ready to come together in the next...oh...10 or so chapters. LOL! I really hope this chapter makes sense to everyone and that you can hang on for that which does not until it is addressed in the upcoming chapters. It's a complicated web I weave...  
**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	51. Journal Entry 51

**As always, thank you to my readers, my reviewers, my beta readers and my inspirations. Couldn't have come this far without you guys!**

_

* * *

Journal entry; no farther_

_ That eventuality came late into the drive, much farther than I would have expected. Buster pulled off into a truck stop. We could go no farther. Well, at least I was closer than I would have been, right?_

_ Too bad close only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian let the soft snowflakes fall on her upturned face, feeling as they mixed with the tears that simply refused to stop falling. It was early morning, though she couldn't tell through the dark, snow-laden clouds that blocked all color but gray from the sky.

Buster had tried to convince her to sleep, even offering up his bed in the truck to her, but she had been unable to. Her mind was racing with the thoughts of what it meant by her standing here, not moving forward. Each minute that passed was one minute closer to the end for Sideswipe.

Trying for the link again, she felt the familiar ache of the emptiness that was there, and then the now second-nature sensation of Sunstreaker reaching to her. Deciding it mattered little anymore, her chances of getting there on time were slim at best anyway, she reached back to the mech that had denied her contact for so long. "'Sunstreaker...I'm sorry, I don't think I'm going to get there in time."

There was a stunned silence over the bond, obviously Sunstreaker had abandoned any hope of her actually reaching back to him, and then to have her apologizing? 'Where are you?'

"Truck stop, somewhere just south of Oregon. There's a pretty bad snowstorm, I don't think we're going to be able to get moving again today." She could feel the weight of defeat pressing down on her, her heart sinking into her stomach and her stomach relocating to somewhere near her feet. She felt lower than low at that moment in time. "I tried, Sunstreaker! I really tried...they're going to kill him and it's all my fault! Damn it..."

'Don't go anywhere. I'm going to come get you.'

It was Aurian's turn to be confused, "What?"

'I've been following you. I'm almost there. Do you think I would have left Sides's fate in the hands of a human?' There was the faint sensation of regret, 'Of anyone other than myself?'

"I'm not going back to the base!" She immediately sought out some kind of escape. If Sunstreaker knew where she was then she had to get moving before he got there. 'How long can I hide from him?' She wondered desperately. "I'll...I'll contact Starscream somehow! I'll work something out!"

'Don't be an idiot, femme. What makes you think that moron will negotiate with you?'

"I won't go back. I have to try!" 'I could hitch hike...some more...with the tons of people on the road now. Damn it. Buster's my best bet.' Even as she thought it she knew that the man could do nothing to help her, the roads were too bad for any travel. Sunstreaker would reach her long before they could get moving again. "They'll kill him! I'm _so_ close, Sunny! Please, don't try to take me back!" Another thought occurred to her suddenly, "You could take me there, couldn't you? We could make it and save Sides, right?"

'I fully intend to get my brother out of this slag he's gotten himself into.'

"So, you can get me there?" Aurian almost didn't dare hope. "Even with the snow?"

'Snow? Nothing can stop me.' A familiar sensation washed over her, a searching feeling that Sideswipe had often caused when he was seeking out her emotions. 'You're really willing to hand yourself over to them for him?'

"Yes!" she didn't hesitate for an instant with her answer, even in her heart she knew she would without a second thought, it was her nerves giving her troubles. "Of course I would. You're going to take me there, right?" She paused for a moment as she felt scant sensations of anger, defiance, blunt stubbornness. As best she could figure, Sunstreaker was thinking over his options so she decided she would help him come to a conclusion. "I'm not going back without him, Sunstreaker. I don't care what you say!"

"What who says?"

Aurian spun around to see Buster walking up to her, a concerned look on his face. "Oh, a friend of mine," she quickly brushed a hand over her ear as if she were removing a hands-free device and shoved it in her pocket, "he's coming to pick me up."

"Someone's crazy enough to drive in this crap?" Buster snorted. "They'll end up in a ditch before they get here."

As if to prove the man wrong in the grandest way, an engine roared loudly and a golden-hued Ferrari sped through the mostly empty parking lot toward them. "Crazy isn't the word I'd use." Aurian did her best to glare down the car as it approached, not slowing in the least until it was mere feet from them and doing some fancy maneuvering until the passenger's side was only inches from where Aurian stood. 'Wow, he was closer than I thought...' Relieved to see that the mech had sense enough to create a holograph in the driver's seat, she leaned down to glare at the 'man' inside the car. "You're taking me there, right?" She drew out her words making it very clear that she would accept no other answer.

The engine roared angrily, the holograph giving her a run for her money in the glare department. "Just get in."

"This is your friend?" Buster had been in awe of the fancy sports car, not to mention the reckless driving in this weather, but now he had his senses about him again and he found that he did not approve of the man or his car. "Not very friendly, is he?"

"That's putting it mildly." Aurian stood straight again and turned away from Sunstreaker. "When's the earliest you think we could leave?"

Buster instantly picked up on the woman's desire to imply that she would not accompany the brazen man. "Oh, soon as the weather lifts. News says by mid-afternoon it should be good enough to drive again."

"Mid-afternoon?" Aurian knew that it wasn't soon enough. Hell, leaving _now_ wasn't good enough unless they drove as fast as they could...

"What are you doing?" Sunstreaker demanded, his temper growing shorter than it already had been. "Get in!"

Aurian looked over her shoulder callously. "Are you going to take me where I want to go or not?"

"Yes, just get in, fraggin' femme!"

"Wow," Buster looked at the man in the car disapprovingly, one eyebrow raised. "That's not a very nice way to talk to a lady. Especially not one who's trying to get to her dying brother..." Buster hesitated at the way the whole car seemed to shimmy.

"He's my brother too, and it's none of your business, human! Aurian, get in and let's go."

"Human?" Now Buster knew there was something not right about all this.

"You...called me...by my name?" Aurian was stunned. Sunstreaker had called her many things but never once had he called her by her name, not even to another being. With a half-relieved sigh she turned to Buster, offering her hand. "Thank you so much for all your help Buster. I really wish I could say I'd see you again someday." She smiled for him, shook his hand and scrambled into the waiting car.

"Hey! You don't have to take that kind of crap from anyone," Buster looked Aurian in the eyes, "Not even family, okay?"

Laughing for the first time since she had set out on this fateful journey, Aurian returned Buster's concerned look with one of confidence. "He's all bark, you know how brothers are."

"Watch what you say, femme," Sunstreaker warned in a low voice.

"Well," Buster glared at the young man in the car for a moment before looking back at Aurian. She seemed set in her decision to go with him and he knew nothing he could say or do would change that, "Good luck, Aurian. I hope you get to your brother in time."

A half smile settled on her face, an almost acceptance of some inevitability that Buster was either unaware of or just couldn't understand, "Yeah, me too. Thank you, Buster." The door seemed to slam shut automatically, ending any further conversation they may have had and with an impressive roar of its engine the car raced out of the lot, leaving Buster to wonder about the woman and her strange...brother? Somehow, he just knew he was going to see that fancy car planted in the trees just a few miles up the road. He only hoped the woman at least survived.

* * *

Ironhide could just feel it in his ancient internal wiring, an instinct that had saved his life many times, something was very wrong with all of this. ::Sunstreaker, report your status.::

::Still on the road, why do you keep asking me?:: Sunstreaker's voice was short, clipped, aggravated.

::Have you located Aurian yet?::

::I told you I would contact you. Why do you keep bugging me? You're worse than Red after a power surge.::

Engine revving with irritation, Ironhide continued down the road, leading the small battalion he had been left in charge of. He wasn't sure if it was Sunstreaker's attitude, the weather, or Skids and Mudflap bantering endlessly and weaving throughout the convoy with complete abandon for the seriousness of the situation that was grinding his gears, but he _knew_ that there was something not right. ::Because my circuits are telling me that you're hiding something.:: The link was terminated suddenly and without so much as a static click. 'You'd better hope that whatever you're hiding doesn't end with my cannons aimed at your spark, youngling.'

* * *

Aurian curled in the passenger seat with her arms wrapped around her knees as she gazed out the window. There was nothing to see in the blinding whiteness of the snow but she wasn't really looking anyway.

Sunstreaker was not the best of company, he snapped anytime she moved, and he certainly didn't make an effort at holding conversation. Her mind was miles away, thinking of anything and everything that she had found pleasant.

She thought about her mother a lot. How she would just pop in every now and then to chat. She missed those chats. She also thought about Roger and how they would spend an afternoon together discussing some work project or sometimes just bantering about nothing in particular. 'I wonder how he's doing,' she thought, guilt riding her once more over how she had dragged him into all of this with her.

Briefly, she even ventured back to the moments before everything had fallen into the current situation. The Lennox's farm had been pure joy for her. The chores kept her occupied and moving and the company hadn't been half bad either. She already missed little Annabelle. 'So much for being a mother, huh?' It bothered her that every good thought she could think of kept spiraling back to something that made her feel sad or regretful. 'I've had a good life...Hell, I've gotten to do the one thing that so many people would have killed for...I got to actually meet the Autobots.' Even her constantly giddy little fangirl that lived in her head was milder than usual.

She had taken up humming a familiar tune to herself, just to fill the silence. 'I wonder if this is all really just a dream,' she thought to herself. 'Maybe, when I'm dead I'll just wake up because none of this is real.' A few words flitted through her mind as if a reminder to her, _'...everything is never as it seems.'_ She found it curious that she couldn't remember the name of the song, or really fix the words in her mind even though she felt she knew it so well.

"What is that?" Sunstreaker had listened to the woman humming the same sounds over and over again for some time now and, though he had ignored it at first, it was starting to grind his gears. That on top of the twisting emotions he kept getting from her, he was near his end with this human.

"Huh?" Aurian had hardly registered that the silent mech had actually spoken to her and had completely missed what he said.

"That noise. What is it?" Sunstreaker resisted the urge to just tell her to be quiet. After all, he just wanted her to stop the sound, not necessarily to stop making any noise at all. Even to him the silence was draining.

"Oh, my humming? I don't know, some song that got stuck in my head."

"Why are you doing it?"

"I don't know." Aurian wondered at Sunstreaker's short attempt at conversation. He never initiated anything with her unless there was a need for it. 'He's worried about Sides. Maybe he's trying to think of something else too.' Somehow she thought she should oblige him, but how? There wasn't anything that they had in common that they could really just chat about, so they fell back into uncomfortable silence for a while before Aurian tried once more to strike up conversation. "Do you guys ever get sick? I mean, like, puking...or I guess it would be purging, feeling nauseous, that kind of thing?"

Sunstreaker was quiet for a moment while he referenced the words. "Why would you want to know that?"

"Because, the other night, before...I found out Sides was taken, I got really sick. I was just wondering if maybe I was feeling something from him?"

As happened anytime something happened to one of the twins, the other knew within minutes; Sunstreaker had known Sideswipe had been captured. He had known his twin was being subjected to interrogation. And he had known his brother had been hacked.

Hacking was not something taken lightly – it took a special kind of bot to even make the attempt, let alone succeed – and it was a very uncomfortable and disorienting experience for the bot subjected to the process. Sunstreaker had felt the hack as clearly as if it had been himself in his brothers place, causing his tanks to destabilize and threaten to purge...but he hadn't felt the sensation until almost a joor and a half later than when Ratchet had come to him asking if he was having any ill feelings.

Sunstreaker almost could not keep the jealousy that roared to life contained. How could this human femme be so much closer to his brother? Even if they were bonded, Sunstreaker was the other half of the same spark that pulsed inside his twin, meaning that none could be as close as he was to him. Didn't it? "Maybe you were just sick. You humans are incredibly susceptible to illnesses...according to Ratchet."

"Maybe." The silence resumed and once more Aurian began humming the tune in her head. It was that same one from before; she still couldn't remember the lyrics but she knew it had to do with fireflies and something about dancing.

"Why do you keep doing that?"

Aurian stopped; she hadn't thought about her humming possibly annoying Sunstreaker. "Just trying to fill the silence."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't like quiet. It makes me uncomfortable."

"How can silence make you uncomfortable? It's not like it can do anything to you." Sunstreaker scoffed. He had learned that humans could be frightened by things that could do nothing to them, but he hadn't cared to take the time to understand why.

Moving a little to get her blood flowing again, Aurian thought over that very thing. She had never liked silence, always filling it with the sounds of people, or music, or TV, anything that made noise really. It just seemed when all was quiet she felt alone. "It's too much like being alone."

"Loneliness is perception. You're never alone. You're bonded to Sideswipe, it's impossible for you to be alone ever again." He spoke as though stating the most obvious thing to a rather dim individual.

"So, all that time you spent drifting around in space you didn't feel lonely?" Aurian didn't really feel defensive, or angered by Sunstreaker's evident opinion of her, but she had a point to make.

"That's different."

"Not to me it's not." Aurian could remember feeling the loneliness through Sideswipe's bond as he longed for his brother...wait...bonded? "What do you mean I'm bonded to Sideswipe? I'm bonded to you too."

"There's no use in hiding it from me," he snapped angrily, his absolute frustration with the whole situation pouring out over their link. "I can feel the connection the two of you have. You're not bonded _to _me, you're bonded to Sideswipe. Any connection we share is just baggage because he's my twin. You may have the others fooled, but not me, femme."

"What?" This sounded suspiciously like... "You think we're sparkmates? Sunny that's not possible!" Aurian laughed a little. How had the mech even gotten that idea in his head? Sure, they were suddenly bonded in a way that shouldn't have been possible, but sparkmates?

Sunstreaker growled at her laughter, causing her to stop as quickly as she had started. "Then how do you explain it?"

Aurian thought it over before she answered him. How _could_ she explain it? "I honestly don't know how to explain it. It was just...there. I mean, I kinda felt a kinship with Sides when he first showed up and it kept growing the more we hung out, but there wasn't some grand moment where suddenly we were connected. It was more like, it slowly just crept in." She half laughed again, "I was kind of freaked out when I figured it out though. For a little while I thought I was going crazy and hearing voices in my head. We're not sparkmates."

"Your not?" Sunstreaker sounded suspicious, as though this may all be just some extravagant lie.

"No," was all Aurian said.

The brutal honesty he felt through their bond was dumbfounding. No one could lie that well through a bond; there was always some hint of deception to every lie, halftruth or even mislead, all of which he was well versed in dealing with his twin all his life. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe both had their fair share of experience and could pick up that hint from the other moments before the words were spoken, but Aurian had none of it. She was telling the truth. "I've seen the way he follows you around. He thinks so much of you, holds you so high in his processor..."

"Because we've become like family, Sunny."

"Quit calling me that!"

"Listen. I really don't know for a fact how it works with you guys. Even though I've got tons and tons of fandom knowledge and a lot of cannon knowledge – but that's from a made up universe that was based on someone's singular thought – I've been proven both right and wrong on several different occasions."

"How the Pit do you know so much anyway?" Sunstreaker interrupted furiously, "and what is 'fandom'?"

"It's a collection of people who collect and share knowledge about something they like a lot."

"So, they're spies."

"No! They're fans."

"Who have knowledge about things they should keep out of."

"Only in this case...and I'm apparently the only one who remembers it anyway. Look, it's a really long story..." Aurian sighed at the thought of having to go through the entire explanation again. 'I should just write it all out on a flash drive and give it to everyone I meet.' "My point is, at least with humans, it doesn't take blood to make family, and most of us become just as loyal to the extended families we create as we are to our real families, in some cases even more so. For all terms and purposes, Sides is my brother, _you_ are my brother. He cares about me the same way, like he does for you. Well, almost like he does for you. I don't have the years of trust built up..." That thought spiraled her right back to where she was, where she was going and what she was sure was going to happen to her. Her future was looking rather bleak and she doubted that she would live long enough to have the years to even being to build that kind of trust.

Sunstreaker was confused. All this time he had assumed that this human femme had somehow become his brother's sparkmate, a mate that Sideswipe had chosen not to tell him about, and it had all made sense. As much has it had angered him he could somewhat understand his brother's hesitance to tell him that he had bonded himself to an alien femme, especially one with such a short life span, but now she was denying that very thought and he couldn't say that he _didn't_ believe her. "You're not sparkbound?" Still, doubt remained in his voice but the hard edge was gone.

It seemed to Aurian as though she had finally bridged the gap she had been putting so much effort into overcoming with the stubborn mech. Too bad it had come at such an inopportune time. "I don't even have a spark." Her voice was far weaker and softer than it had been only moments before. It was full of so much sorrow and regret Sunstreaker could only marvel at how swiftly the emotions had shifted and how intensely they came. "I couldn't, even if I wanted to. Not that it's going to be an issue."

He had been _so sure _that his brother had bonded with this alien and had been trying to hide the truth behind the mystery of the fact that a bond had been created at all_._ Now, he wasn't sure and he didn't know what to think. Aurian wasn't lying to him so that meant that they really had, somehow, developed a sibling bond. "I'm stopping in the next town to rest for a while."

Aurian didn't answer. Her thoughts had found their way back to the darker path of her current endeavor and she couldn't find it in her to pull herself back from it again. Longing for comfort she reached out to Sideswipe, hoping that even for just a second he would be there, but as it had been for the past two days, he was not. However, this time she did feel some comfort offered to her from the other part of that same bond. Sunstreaker was giving what she was asking for, without the usual sensations of annoyance or distaste. "I'm afraid for him, Sunstreaker," she whispered softly. "They're not going to just let him go."

"They're Decepticons. They probably never had any intention to."

"What do you think they'll do to him?"

"It doesn't matter because I'm going to get him out."

Aurian had assumed that Sunstreaker had every intention of rescuing his brother, but how had he intended to do so? "You know what they wanted for him?"

Sunstreaker did not answer.

"You were going to try and trade with them, weren't you?" Aurian wasn't angry, she wasn't even surprised; moreover, she was at a loss with herself for not having realized it sooner. Sunstreaker didn't like her; if he turned her over to the Decepticons, he wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Two birds with one stone, as the saying went. She couldn't help but to feel a twinge of betrayal at the notion, but quickly pushed the thought aside. After all, she was willing to make the exact same trade. "I don't blame you for it."

Sunstreaker was callous, sparkless according to some, but he was not now, nor had he ever been, one to trade a life for a life. "No, I wasn't going to trade you for him. I wasted too much time getting you away from those fraggers last time, why would I want to have to do it again?"

"What?" Now Aurian was confused. "Then why were you looking for me?"

"Because you ran away. Why else?"

"I didn't run away...well, I guess I did run away, but I wasn't trying to hide!"

"You're a liability to the Autobots, aligned with our faction. Do you really think that Optimus was going to let you just disappear? Besides..." Sunstreaker's voice dropped to a slightly more indignant tone, "Sideswipe would offline me if he thought I'd even considered handing you over."

Aurian laughed a little. At least Sunstreaker was honest. But if it was not her he had intended to use to bargain for the release of his twin, than what _had_ he intended to use? "Sunstreaker...don't tell me you have the Allspark shard..."

Again Sunstreaker remained incriminatingly silent.

"Sunstreaker! You _stole_ the Allspark shard?"

"I didn't steal it. It was laying where anyone could have picked it up."

"Likely story." Aurian's brain ran in circles trying to imagine how Sunstreaker could have obtained the shard without having taken it from Optimus himself, something she knew he wouldn't have been able to do as long as the mighty Autobot leader was conscious. "I can't believe you stole it."

"I didn't steal it!"

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; he stole it_

_ After a few minutes of continued childlike 'yes, you did', 'no, I didn't' argument Sunstreaker grudgingly admitted that he had picked the shard up off of Optimus's desk while the mech sat _right there_. Geez, Optimus, observant much? I really had to wonder though; did Optimus know he had taken it? Surely by now he had realized that it was gone. I can only imagine the manic search that must have occurred when he realized it was missing! Oh! But I would _pay_ to have watched it!_

_ Of course one thing led to the other and I discovered that Sunstreaker had not told the others what the Decepticons demands had been. He had only told them that Sideswipe had been captured..._

_ Supposedly Ironhide, Jolt, Skids, Mudflap, and Jazz (finally cleared for active duty again) had been sent along with a human battalion that included Will, Epps, and several other soldiers, to set up a first strike against the Decepticon base in Oregon to free their captured comrade._

_ Sunstreaker had every intention of arriving there first...and if his trackers had anything to show for it, would succeed easily. While the others were forced to maintain a speed limit acceptable by the interstate patrols, Sunstreaker had no such limitations...mostly because he just didn't care to, but it helped that he was only one car and insane enough to travel at speeds formula car designers would envy._

_ I like fast._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

**_A_/N: So, school. Yeah. Busy, busy stuff. And Dance Magic in 1 week. Scary. I've performed for a good chunck of my life but never like this...so I'm a little anxious. ^_^**

**However, in school I have learned 2 very interesting things.**

**1) I now know why Ratchet is so cranky when he has to repair damaged mechs**

**and**

**2) I also now know why Wheeljack blows himself up so much.**

**Metal can be a really volatile substance! -points to burn on face- Hot slag got a hold of me cause metal can blow the f' up when it wants to.**

**Alrighty! On with the usual:**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	52. Journal Entry 52

**_O_o;;_**

**_ShinigamisPet: So...FaeFae, where ya been?_**

**_Faecat: Um...nowhere?_**

**_SP: Uh huh, and that's why there's a mob waiting for you, right?_**

**_FC: Mob? Um...*hides*_**

**_SP: *Points to poorly hidden Faecat* She's all yours folks, have at her!_**

**_FC: Traitor!!_**

**_Okay, for the lot of you who've wondered just where the Faecat had wondered off to for so long, here's the scoop:_**

**_1: Dance Magic. It was awesome and wonderful but it ate up a whole week of my life with costume preparations and practice._**

**_2: I don't learn from my own mistakes. I'm allergic to beef, yet I eat it anyway...and I got horribly sick for about another week (if you don't count the residuals) and could hardly drag my sorry, drunk feeling aft out of bed, let alone do anything cognate._**

**_3: School. Need I say more? Okay, well I'm welding so...things are hot, they burn, they blow up, they make me giggle like a psychopath and consume whole sections of my life. Fair?_**

**_4: My daughter turned 1 year old this month. I cried and spend much time running around._**

**_5: I'm lazy. Nuff said._**

**_^_^; Alright, I know, those aren't really GREAT excuses, but they're the ones I'm running with. I promise chapter 53 is ready to go, I'll probably load it in 2 days to give time for people to read this one. After that, well, I have all week for spring break and I intend to do some quality lockdown time in my office to get several chapters out. You up for this my Betas? ^_~_**

**_(and for anyone wondering who ShinigamisPet is, that's my drawing persona. Faecat writes, Shinigami's Pet draws. It's what we do.)_**

**THANK YOU TO ALL MY READERS FOR YOUR PATIENCE; TO BOTH MY BETAS: FORD B. AND EOWYN77; TO ALL MY INSPERATIONS: LITAHATCHEE, KARATEGAL, HEARTS OF ETERNITY AND LADY TECUMA!!!_  
_**

_

* * *

Journal entry; one day to go_

_ Time is always the enemy when you're rushing it. I know this, have always known this. During my days back at the lab, there were always far more accidents when there was a time crunch than when we were at leisure...okay, _most_ of the time anyway. I miss that job._

_ The good thing about no time is that you don't _have_ time to think. With too _much_ time you get to thinking too much. When you're stuck in the middle, when time is running out but you're not at the end yet, you think, but you think in a panic..._

_ I made it perfectly clear to Sunny that if Sideswipe's release was dependent on me surrendering myself, then that's what I intended do...he never once argued with me, but I got the distinct sensation he was completely ignoring me._

_ It was difficult to know what he was thinking. I mean, here we were headed to the Decepticon base with, as far as I knew, no plan to speak of. Not only was it me, but the Allspark shard too! He stubbornly refused to tell me what he was going to do._

_ I just had the feeling this wasn't going to end well._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Aurian stood once more in the parking lot her mind had apparently created as a tool for her to use to reach out to the 'bots. Or, at least that is how she was coming to think of it.

This time she had tried to get here, wanted to get here, and had spent several hours of seeking out this elusive zone in her mind. Now that she had arrived, she had a task set to accomplish.

"Starscream!" She sought out the familiar F-22 Raptor and stormed up to it as if she might very well destroy it. 'I wonder what that would do to him physically?' The thought was intriguing but she had other things to do right now. "Starscream, answer me!" She waited a few minutes for an answer, but received nothing. "Damn it, why won't you talk to me?" He had spoken to her last time, what was so different now? She had done nothing special, as a matter of fact he hadn't even known he was contacting her because... 'Because he was using my link with Sideswipe,' she remembered. "Okay, so how do I talk to you _now_?" Again, she remembered her previous success with the small laptop.

Running back to her 'apartment', she was surprised to find everything exactly how she had left it during her last visit. Right down to the TV playing a familiar movie.

She paused to watch for a minute, only to decide that it was the Transformers movie that she was familiar with and not worth her attention at the moment. Not that she wouldn't love to sit and watch the movie again, but she had more important things to do.

Ruby sat on the coffee table where she had left it the last time she had been brave enough to venture into the familiar yet alien parking lot during her 'coma'. It was still on and there were little message windows blocking the entire screen.

"What is all that?" She clicked on a few of the windows, trying to decipher the script within, but still it seemed her computer was unable to translate whatever information it was being presented with and left her with nothing but jumbled shapes and icons. 'Later,' she promised herself, 'I can try to translate all this later.'

Clicking through the windows she wondered how she would find the mech she wanted to reach and, as if to answer, a simple search bar took priority over the continually multiplying windows stating; 'please submit desired designation'.

'Starscream.'

'Seeking recipient. Contact located. Connecting...'

'Who the Pit is this, and why are you contacting me?'

Aurian stared at the little window, noting the little type at the top of this particular box declared the sender as 'Starscream', unlike most of the other windows that had no clear identifications on them.

"This...is so cool." For a moment she wondered just who else she could contact this way, then remembered the whole reason she had been trying to get here. 'You have to give me more time.'

'More time?' There was a long pause before more text appeared, 'State your designation.'

'I don't have a designation.' Aurian considered the impact of her words a moment too late, then decided she might as well continue. 'The weather has held me back, but I'm almost there.'

'How are you contacting me, human?'

'Please, just give me more time.'

'Our arrangements were not open for discussion, human. By my count you have less than three of your Earth hours left.'

'I can't get there in three hours! The roads are bad, there's just no way.'

'Then our deal is void.'

Aurian's heart jumped into her throat at the words. With shaky hands he tapped out another plea. 'No! We'll be there soon, I promise!'

'We?'

"Damn it!" she scolded herself, "Quit giving him information!" Taking a moment to collect herself she decided she needed to take another approach to this. 'Do you want me to come, or just go back? Because if it's not going to make a difference either way, I'd rather remove myself from the equation.'

'Really?' She could almost _feel_ the sarcasm. 'And if I just choose to make my life easier by removing another Autobot from existence?'

'He's bluffing. He's bluffing...' she coached herself before typing further. 'If you kill him, you will lose the only example of Cybertronian-Alien bonding. A very poor decision for a scientist to make if you ask me.'

'I didn't ask you!' Again there was a pause before further response came. 'I didn't realize you were willing to bargain with lives, human. You're more open-minded than your Autobot allies, perhaps you have something of a Decepticon within your core? How about this; since I am in such a generous mood today and you have amused me, I will not destroy the Autobot, for now, and in return you will submit willingly to research on this bond you have developed with him.'

Willingly? Aurian's guts cramped painfully at the thought of it. Research meant Scalpel and Scalpel meant pain.

'Accept or decline, human. I'm all too willing to remove one more annoyance in my life, and I can only assume his twin will be easy enough to take out while he's in the throes of sparkshock...seeings as he is escorting you to me.'

'Bluff...' Aurian reminded herself again. Starscream didn't _know_ Sunstreaker was the one bringing her along. He was assuming. What did it matter that he was _right_? He didn't know that and as long as she didn't reveal it then he wouldn't know for sure until they arrived. If she convinced Sunstreaker to stay behind while she went on to meet with the Decepticon, he would never know, and maybe they could get Sideswipe out of there before the Decepticons could do anything about it. 'I accept.'

* * *

Sunstreaker could feel the woman shifting around on his passenger-side seat. She had finally fallen into recharge sometime early in the morning and had endured fitful rest all throughout the day. Apparently the woman's dreams were not pleasant ones, if the sensations trickling through their now-open bond were anything to go by.

Though their conversations had been rather short and lacking in anything 'in depth', Sunstreaker had decided a few things about this woman. One: she was stubborn. Two: she was annoying. And three: she would do anything for the ones she cared about.

She had known very well that it was unlikely Starscream would release Sideswipe even if she turned herself over to him with the Allspark shard in hand, let alone that she had not had the shard when she began this ill-fated trip, but she had been unable to accept that if she did nothing at all, Sideswipe could have been offlined.

He was forced to reconsider his actions. Sunstreaker had taken the Allspark shard with every intention of using it to obtain his brother's freedom...but wasn't that just as foolish as Aurian running off alone to trade herself for the same? Why had he even considered it as an option? He knew better than that, and besides, negotiations had never been one of his stronger points.

So, now he had both the things the current Decepticon leader was demanding, and was headed to the destination described to Aurian where he would meet with her. What was he going to do? He couldn't take the human into battle and risk that she may be captured or destroyed, but at the same time, she had insisted that she wouldn't allow him to leave her behind.

They were drawing close to their destination and he knew he had to make a decision soon. Did he take the human with him and hope that her presence would draw out the Decepticons, and possibly Sideswipe along with them, and risk that she may become harmed, or did he rely solely on the Allspark shard as he had originally planned? Or, did he completely forgo hoping that the Decepticons would even feign a trade at all and just blow a hole in the base and get his brother out that way?

He was already facing treason for taking the Allspark shard, so what more punishments could he face taking the human with him as an extra bargaining chip? Other than the chance that she might be caught in the crossfires and hurt...or killed. If anything happened to her he was pretty sure that Sideswipe would not be happy, to say the least.

Settling on what he thought would be his best course of action, and with great care to not wake the human, Sunstreaker slid from the road they had been traveling on and headed into the pine timberland he had been driving through almost since they had crossed the state line.

It was now slightly past midday and the sun was beginning to warm the Earth, melting some of the snow, as Aurian had called it, that had fallen the previous day. "Fraggin' cold-as-Pit place," he grumbled softly to himself, "As if once hadn't been enough..."

Weaving through the trees until he found a place suited to his needs, far from the Decepticon base and the havoc he was about to cause there, Sunstreaker found a rock formation that he decided would do well enough. It had plenty of nooks and crannies in it that would provide cover and still allow the sun to warm the surface. Slowly he began transforming, taking care to move his parts in accordance to the sleeping human within until she rested in his hand and he could stand free from his alt mode, not an easy feat by any means.

Making sure the blanket she had wrapped around her covered as much as it could, Sunstreaker gently placed the woman on the rock formation, "You'll be safe here..." he whispered, "You'd only get in my way," he added shortly.

After a moment more of pondering he dropped the Allspark shard next to her and left without a second glance.

* * *

Sideswipe glared at the mech facing him. They had been playing games with him for the past few days; teasing him, leading him on, testing his limits. They hinted that they had located Aurian, that they would have her in their custody soon. Told him that if he gave them information that they wouldn't kill her.

Their little field medic also had his time with Sideswipe. Though most of his 'examinations' were designed to ensure the blocks against his weapons were still in place, the twisted little mech did take some pleasure in causing unnecessary discomfort.

Throughout all their efforts; all their threats, and torture, and mind games, he had done alright but he was quickly drawing to a point of breaking.

He had maintained his calm knowing that Sunstreaker would reach Aurian and keep her safe, yet even now Starscream stood smug before him promising that the human would be his newest experiment within the orn. Worse yet was that he could _feel_ Aurian and Sunstreaker drawing closer. 'What are they doing?' He tried once more to reach out through the numbed bond to his twin and the human but whatever that hacker had done to him was strong and blocked anything he could send out.

It was disturbing to feel the dulled sensations of the others through the bond; it was nothing like when Sunstreaker had been too far and he couldn't sense him, nor was it like when he dampened the connection with either of them. This was more like his perception of them had been dulled and the functions that allowed him to reach out to them, to communicate, were paralyzed.

"Tell me, Autobot; does your twin share this weakness toward the fleshling, or is it only you who has allowed such a misfortune to befall your spark?" Starscream's eyes flashed with amusement. He had rather enjoyed tormenting his prisoner on a mental battlefield.

Information gathered from the few times either of the front-liner twins had been captured stated that they were notoriously impossible to break with physical torture, despite how much enjoyment their 'interrogators' might have gotten from the experience, so the most effective approach was mental torture.

Normally, there was very little that the two cared about aside from each other that would provide sufficient ammunition against them; however, this connection with the human femme had proven quite beneficial to the Decepticon leader.

"Or, maybe he sees it for what it is and is on his way to rid himself of such a useless burden," he teased further. "The fleshling seems all too willing to turn its self over to me."

Sideswipe had to struggle with himself to remain still, to not lash out at the enemy mere feet from him. Not that he could do anything strapped down to the table as he was. After the hacker had done his job, they had not bothered to move him from this spot, and he could only imagine they had no intentions of doing so any time soon.

"I have to admit, I am more than a trifle interested in that little meat-bag." Starscream paced slightly as he 'mused' over what he knew of the human, and considered what he would do with it. "Our first encounter with it had been rather alarming.

"Did you know that little organic part they call a 'brain' could hold so much information? Nowhere near the efficiency of a Cybertronian processor, but still." He paused in his pacing, fixing the defiant Autobot with another knowing glare, "Well, at least so much _useful_ information at any rate. I will enjoy extracting the secrets of the Autobots from it.

"Scalpel believes that we can obtain the information by a simple procedure he has been refining since our last meeting with that particular fleshling. Very similar to a hack, if you wish to think of it on our terms. Simply removing the organ and feeding electricity into it and allowing the energy to carry out the information into a device that one of our more creative inventors has concocted to receive and translate various different energies. Quite interesting actually, though previous experiments have failed miserably."

Starscream was not disappointed with the stillness of his prisoner. In truth he was rather pleased with the ridged state of the mech; he was fighting himself, trying to ignore the bait that he was laying out for him. How much further could he push the stubborn warrior before he finally snapped? With a grin he approached the mech, making sure to stay where he could see if the Autobot slipped his restraints. "Perhaps this one will live longer."

Sideswipe could not keep in the snarl that rose at the mere thought of Starscream or Scalpel laying one digit on Aurian. He had seen the results of their experiments on the human once before and he was willing to sacrifice himself to be sure it didn't happen again. No one deserved that kind of treatment.

"Oh, you don't like that idea?" Starscream laughed mockingly, "Well, I promise we'll hold off on it as long as we can. After all, we do have a rather unique situation to examine fully first." He leaned in close to the restrained mech, allowing their optics to meet as he offered the last little bit of tinder to the fire that was Sideswipe's blazing rage, "The fleshling did say it would submit willingly."

Unable to contain himself any further, Sideswipe pulled at his restraints, noting the slight give in them. "If you touch her I will rip your spark out myself you half-bit glitch!"

Laughing at the sight of the warrior's loss of control, Starscream turned to leave the room. "He's all yours, Doctor. Don't offline him yet." He instructed as his medical officer slipped into the room past him.

"I vill be careful," Scalpel promised as he ascended the table their prisoner and half-experiment lay upon. "Cores are much easier to examine if zey are still intact."

* * *

~Time.~

'Time?'

~It will soon be time.~

'For what?'

~Time.~

'It will soon be time...for time?'

~Yes.~

'That makes no sense.'

~It will.~

'When?`

~Soon.~

'...I don't know who you are, but you're sure confusing.'

~I am you.~

'No, I'm pretty sure I'm me...'

~You are me.~

'Uh...what?'

~We are all and we are none.~

'Yeah, that clears it up.'

~We are needed.~

'What?'

A loud explosion rocked Aurian from the deep sleep she had receded into after her conversation with Starscream, several subsequent concussions assuring her that she needed to be awake, and now.

Looking around in confusion she only saw trees and rocks, immediately realizing what was missing. "Sunstreaker!" She scrambled to her feet, struggling with the blanket wrapped around her that insisted on catching her feet, causing her to fall from her place among the rocks. "Sunstreaker!" she cried out again, ripping away the blanket, desperate to find that familiar form.

No matter the direction she looked, she couldn't see the mech; however, the continued sounds of explosions drew her to where she suspected he must be. "I'm going to kill him!" she promised angrily as she began storming off in that general direction.

~We are needed.~

Aurian stopped. That 'voice' wasn't really a voice, nor was it a 'voice' like she associated with her connection to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. It was something entirely different. Like it was just _there_, not really a thought or a voice of any kind, more like an impression on her mind. It had been in her dream while she was sleeping, she remembered that much. What had it wanted?

Looking for some kind of source to the 'impression', Aurian wondered just _what_ she might be seeking. "Hello?"

More explosions drew her attention back to her previous goal. "Sunstreaker?" she reached out over their link, not bothering to hold back the worry she felt or the aggravation for having been left behind while he charged into a Decepticon base alone. "What are you doing?"

'Not now, femme!'

"Not...where do you get..."

~We are needed.~

"...off?" Aurian's argument died with the repeat of the 'impression'. "What _is_ that?"

'I'm kind of busy right now, so unless you have something important to say...'

Something shining in the snow drew Aurian's attention, all thoughts of argument fleeing her head as the 'impression' grew in her conscious mind.

~We are needed.~

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_;_

_ I was so...numb...I just didn't care. No, not caring would imply that there was a feeling and at that moment there was nothing. Nothing at all. Just a guiding sensation. I had somewhere to be._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. **Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.**

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	53. Journal Entry 53

_**Thank you to all my readers, reviewers, to my beta's: Eowyn77 and FORD B., to my inspirations: Litahatchee, Krataegal, Hearts of Eternity, and Lady Tecuma.**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; the calm_

_ In the center of the worst of storms there is a zone of nothing but calmness, a place where you could, should you close your eyes, believe that nothing was actually going on around you. That's where I was. To a point._

_ My eyes were open, and I could hear the distan__t concussion of w__eapons, but I wasn't there. I was far away and uninterested._

_ In the back of my mind, a part of me demanded to know h__ow could I be uninterested?__Those explosions were a blaring reminder of what I had come here for!_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

Sunstreaker ducked through yet another doorway. He was relying wholly on his dampened bond to lead him to Sideswipe since any communication he might have been able to receive from his twin was still blocked _somehow_. "Slag that hack glitch to the Pit," he grumbled angrily as he dodged another blast from the Decepticons that were hunting him through the base.

This was the second time he had infiltrated this base now, and the 'Con's were not content to allow him as easy a success as the first time had been. Not to mention that after his first 'visit' they had made several 'repairs' to the base so, to say the very least, it had not been easy getting this far in and he suspected that getting out was not going to be a walk though the plaza either. He could only hope that Sideswipe was in fighting condition or they were both slagged.

'At least the human is safe.' The thought had meandered through his processor before he realized he was drifting back to the fact that he had left her alone, unprotected, in the timberlands a scant few miles from here. 'No one can blame me for taking her into battle,' he added to the thought, reasoning that he was merely covering his own aft by leaving her behind.

Taking stock of the room he had found refuge in, Sunstreaker soon realized that he had found himself a dead end. "Slag it!" That's what he got for allowing his processor to wonder while he was in the midst of battle.

Going back the way he had come wasn't an option. So, he had only one other choice - make a new doorway.

Finding a wall mostly devoid of anything in his way, that was also in the general direction his bond was pulling, Sunstreaker let loose a blast big enough to demolish the wall, and quite possibly anything on the other side of it. He didn't pause to see what may be awaiting him – there wasn't time for that. Or, at least, he didn't consider the consequences of that decision to be worth the time it would take to check.

As he blew through the still-falling debris he heard the snarl of yet another Decepticon and realized his mistake too late.

* * *

::Ironhide! Where are you!?::

Sunstreaker had sent him a message sometime earlier that morning that he had found Aurian and that he was intercepting some Decepticons. Ironhide had the distinct notion that Sunstreaker had planned it this way... ::En route.:: He and the other Autobots sped ahead of the human convoy, easily reaching velocities the humans just couldn't, no matter the emergency.

"Ironhide? What's going on?" Will asked anxiously, his voice drifting over an open line between the mechs and the human battalion.

Normally Will would have been riding with the weapon's specialist, but Ironhide had insisted that he might be forced to part with the group should Sunstreaker need to be subdued. He had an inkling that the young warrior mech was up to something and so had left Will with the human contingent after one of the many stops they had to make for the human vehicles to be refueled.

The thought had not come of simple regard for the mech's known temper, but moreover for his battle lust and his willingness to do anything so long as the enemy went down and Sideswipe was safe. It was a situation that the Autobots had come to compensate for and, on most occasions, had been able able to use to turn things in their favor; however, Ironhide felt that this could be one of those times it might work against them.

_"It would appear,"_ Ironhide answered over the human/Autobot communication line, _"that Sunstreaker has come across a few Decepticons."_

_"In the vicinity of the known Decepticon base, what are the chances of that?"_ Jolt added rather displeased.

_"No fair!"_ Skid's declared angrily, _"He startin' th' party wit'out us!"_

_"Dat jus ain't right!"_ Mudflap agreed.

Jazz seemed to be as eager as the younger twins to join in. Just released back to duty, he was more than ready to stretch his gears on the battlefield. _"How 'bout we stop bitchin' an' get our afts to the show!"_ His engine roared as he pulled ahead of the group. After all, he had an entrance to make.

_"We are going ahead to assist him,"_ Ironhide ordered, trying to regain control of the conversation.

"What about Aurian?"

_"Sunstreaker claims she is safe."_

"Claims?"

_"When it comes to Sunny and Sides, you cannot always take their word for fact."_ Jolt advised.

"So that means...what, exactly?"

All the mechs fell silent for a moment before Ironhide answered, _"That she is somewhere he thinks is out of his way."_

* * *

He was close. Sideswipe knew his brother was close. The problem was that he could feel Aurian too, though not as near as Sunstreaker.

"If he brought her into battle I'm going to slag him myself," Sideswipe grumbled as he glanced around warily.

Scalpel had thoroughly enjoyed his time with Sideswipe and had left the mech feeling more like he had been running at his maximum output for orns rather than laying on a table.

The first explosion marking Sunstreaker's entrance into the Decepticon base had bought the young warrior a reprieve as Scalpel was ordered away for...something important, and Sideswipe had been able to free himself with more than a little effort. The straps restraining him were by no means 'loose' or 'weak', but his desperation lent strength to his limbs allowing him to break them with loud and disturbing snapping sounds. He was sure that more than a little of the sounds had not been the straps breaking, but he'd worry about the side effects later.

At least Sunstreaker was making a grand distraction for the Decepticons in the base, and that was benefiting him wonderfully in his current attempts to breach the barriers the hack had left in place. He needed to reactivate his weapons. After all, if Sunstreaker was here that meant battle and he was more than eager to repay some of the damages done.

Tucked away in the corner of the Decepticon lab where, should someone enter the room in a hurry he would not be easily seen, the young mech attempted for nearly the hundredth time to override the deactivation coding on his weapons system through a manual access on one of the Decepticon's many research consoles. This was one of the uncountable reasons he hated scientists. 'Devious minds bent by their insatiable curiosity is what they are.' Even worse was when they were scientists with an interest in medical study. His wiring ached horribly with the thought. He would pay back every bit of it to the Decepticons, of that he was determined.

The wall on the far side of the lab exploded, a golden colored projectile slamming into the wall opposite it before collapsing to the ground.

"Sunstreaker!" Striking out yet another counter code, the coding holding back his weapons finally broke and his swords slid into place as he disconnected from the external system, "What took you so fraggin' long?"

Gaining his feet enough to leap out of the way of an oncoming barrage of fire, Sunstreaker glared at his twin, "Sorry, I guess I forgot to pick up a map on my way to bust you out!"

"Where's Aurian?"

"The slaggin' femme is fine! You ready to get the Pit out of here or should we see if the 'Cons would like to sit and chat a while?"

An evil grin spread across Sideswipe's face, a grin his twin knew all too well and mirrored in kind, the flair of their bond as the barriers fell away only fueling the already eager thoughts, "I guess I got a few words for these fraggers."

"Then let's set up a conference." Sunstreaker turned to face the oncoming enemies, all too happy to be able to sense his brother's emotions so clearly over their bond again, even if there was a lot of pent up anger...no, _especially_ because there was a lot of pent up anger.

* * *

Aurian blinked, trying to clear the almost haze her vision had become as she walked through the forest. Something was drawing her forward, though she couldn't say what. It almost felt as though she were only a passenger in her own body but couldn't find the state of mind to care. She just accepted it, complied, did as she was 'told'.

There was something, someone she had to find.

"Hello?" her voice came out soft, apathetic, "We are here..." 'We?' Her mind stirred slightly at the odd phrasing. Why was she calling herself 'we'

She moved on, the thing or being that she was apparently searching for was not here.

* * *

Sideswipe rolled across the hall, providing cover as Sunstreaker demolished yet another wall blocking their progress.

"Foolish Autobots!" one of the Decepticon's laughed. "You think you can escape?"

Looking around Sideswipe spotted the self-assured mech surveying the situation from a rather safe position further down the corridor. "Why don't you come out and play, Screamer? I'll show you exactly what we plan to do."

"I'm sure you would." The 'Con's eyes glimmered as he took in the condition of the twins. They were slowing down; Sideswipe's 'stay' with them had not been kind and his twin was being forced to work twice as hard to pick up his lag. "Tell me, Sunstreaker...do you also share a bond with the fleshling?" he taunted, remembering the scarcely restrained rage it had caused in the other twin previously. "Or is that a weakness solely reserved for your brother?"

"What do you know?" Sideswipe challenged. He didn't like the Decepticon leader knowing about the bond – Pit, he didn't like _any_ 'Con knowing about it for that matter – but to be trying to use it against his brother in the midst of battle? 'Not that Sunny cares about her enough for it to affect him,' he reminded himself angrily.

"I know enough to know that if the two of you are here..." he didn't continue, and when Sideswipe leaned around to see what the devious 'Con was up to, he was gone.

"Sunny! Exit, now!"

"Working on it," Sunstreaker growled, "It's really not as easy as it looks!"

'Coward, just ran to save his aft.' Sideswipe assured himself. If Aurian was in trouble, he would know. She would call out to him...right?

Taking a klick to reach out to the human over their freshly reopened bond he found only a numbed acknowledgment, but before he could question the oddness of it he found himself bombarded by more enemy fire. Right now he had to keep Sunstreaker and himself from becoming scrap; he would have to worry about Aurian later, despite his current misgivings.

* * *

Jazz slid into the battle well ahead of the others, quickly relaying information to them as he engaged one of the Decepticons trying to surround the twin warriors.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe had made a complete disaster of the Decepticon base, finding their way into the open by way of tearing down half the stronghold, and were currently tag teaming a rather large, fragged-off looking mech that had seen better days in battle, while trying to stay out of the way of the other Decepticons taking pot shots at them whenever they could.

Quickly glancing over the brothers, Jazz could easily see that the battle had been none too kind to them, but they showed no signs of severe damage. Most mechs probably wouldn't notice that Sideswipe was a step or three slower than normal, or that Sunstreaker was favoring his right arm. They probably wouldn't see how Sunstreaker more often left himself open to attack to divert attention from his fatigued twin, or how many of the maneuvers they were employing were more out of desperation than out of cognitive action.

To say the least, should the battle drag on much longer without some kind of reinforcements the twins would be done for, though they would take down a good number of mechs with them.

"Hey, younglin's! Hope ya saved some fun fer the rest o' us!" Jazz called out as he leaped for the closest enemy to him, wrenching the gun from the mech's hand as he used his arm as a pivot point to spin back on him. "Looks like uh lively party, mind if Ah join?"

"Who let _you_ out?" Sideswipe announced even as he slid beneath the larger mech, blades working at sensitive joints. Despite the jeer, his tone spoke volumes of the relief he felt for the arrival of an ally.

"_Let_ meh out? Ha! Like they could keep meh _in_!" Jazz leaped from his perch on his opponent's shoulder, arcing head-over-heels backwards and moving again to strike at the mech once more almost before his feet hit the ground.

"You tell Ratchet that. I dare you," Sunstreaker added, launching himself off of another Decepticon that had been trying to keep some distance from them only to fail miserably at the end of Sunstreaker's plasma rifle.

To the Decepticons, the twins appeared to be an unstoppable duo, and the arrival of yet another Autobot was not very encouraging. Many of them sought escape from the battlefield before they were forced to face any of them, while others took to desperate measures, using their own comrades as shields and firing at any mech that looked like he might be coming toward them.

It amused Jazz at how easily confidence could be broken amongst those who did not trust each other. If only the 'Con's would pay a little more attention to their enemy, perhaps they could have won this battle.

Jazz laughed, it was good to be alive.

* * *

"Where am I going?" Aurian felt herself pulling away from the daze that had ensnared her, her mind demanding answers that the invisible force driving her would not answer.

~Where we must go.~

Still, she moved forward. Just because she was starting to get her mind back didn't mean she had her body, it seemed. "Where is that?"

~To find one who will help us do what we must do.~

"...Okay, who is that?" She pushed through some low-lying branches and found herself in a small clearing. It was formed by, what she could assume to be, a spring time river but in the winter was merely a trickling stream.

~One with the ability to fathom beyond the bounds of common thought.~

"I...don't think I like where this is going." Further along the bank of the stream she found that the clearing grew larger, allowing for a small, mostly protected field. "So, what is it...we...must do?"

~Find the answer.~

"What answer?"

~The answer.~

"To WHAT?" Aurian was growing tired of this game. This non-voice, non-thought, other self, _thing_ that was apparently in control of her would talk to her but would never answer her questions. "You're more obscure than Optimus."

~Survival.~

Something akin to an Arctic winter settled into Aurian's guts, "Survival? From what, exactly?"

~Annihilation.~

Finally her daze lifted, leaving her a little stunned and disoriented as the sounds of a loud engine consumed the peaceful hum of nature. She looked up, her heart nearly stopping as she saw the jet slowly shifting and coming to rest on two feet before her.

"All alone, fleshling?" Starscream smiled at the woman, his intentions very clear in his eyes.

"S-Starscream." She fought against the desire to run – after all, this is what she had come for, wasn't it? "I came, just like I said...now let Sideswipe go."

"Let him go?" Starscream laughed, "Foolish fleshling, I never said anything about letting that irritating Autobot _go_."

Aurian very nearly bristled at the denial for Sideswipe's freedom, "But you said..."

"That I would not deactivate him," the Decepticon leader smirked with self satisfaction, "and I haven't, yet." He took a step toward the stunned human. When she scrambled back several feet, he laughed. There was no possible way for her to escape him now, but the thought of a chase was tempting. "Will you go back on your word, human? The Autobot's current state can be...remedied rather quickly if you no longer wish to uphold our agreement."

"No!" She nearly choked on the word. Just thinking of Sideswipe being killed brought tears to her eyes. "No, don't. I'll go with you...but you have to let him go."

"Really? And on what grounds do you make _this_ proposition, human?" He took another step forward, enjoying her obvious fear and desire to flee him.

"That...I have the shard."

Starscream's smirk fell, his expression turning to doubt and suspicion. "How did you obtain that?"

"Does it really matter?" Aurian stumbled in her retreat, very nearly falling over a root of a rather large tree. "If you want it, and me, you have to let him go."

Starscream studied the small human before him. She spoke boldly for someone that was so obviously terrified, for that he gave her some credit. She was brave – foolish, but brave. "If I do not?"

Just as Aurian had figured, the Decepticon would take what he wanted and give nothing in return unless she could prove that it was of more value to him to do as they had agreed. Moving as quickly as she could, she tugged a small blade that had been tucked in her back pocket, something she had promised herself never to go without after her last encounter with the Decepticons. She placed the sharp tool against her own throat, hoping that she looked more confident than she felt. "If you don't, I'll kill myself and then what do you have?"

At first look, it seemed the human meant to go through with the threat of offlining herself and Starscream knew that the usefulness of a deactivated human was minimal at best, so he paused in his advances. He was almost positive he could move faster than she could and prevent that outcome; however, it might be more entertaining to force her to relinquish willingly. "Then I suspect I will have two Autobots to torture until they offline, with nothing to get in my way." His smirk instantly returned as the human's eyes shifted instantly in the direction of the Decepticon base, the small weapon she held falling limply from her hand.

"Sunny..." Aurian's heart and mind raced, she reached out for the brothers and could feel that they were wearing down. They would not last much longer and, from the sounds of it, the battle was not prepared to end anytime soon.

"Now, our arrangements?"

"Ve have you now," the familiar voice cackled, "Ve vill have our answers."

Aurian tried to run – she knew she had because when she fell it was on her face in a direction opposite of where Starscream stood. Her body grew numb even as her heart pounded violently in her chest and her mind screamed to get up, to get away. She reached out over her bonds, searching, hoping...dreading.

* * *

The rest of the Autobots came into the scene with a shower of blasts from Ironhide's cannons preceding them, driving off several of the 'Cons that had stubbornly remained in the battle.

Surveying the field, Ironhide decided things were coming quickly to a close here. The front-liner twins were tormenting one of the remaining 'Cons while Jazz continued to baffle another with his agile movements and swift attacks.

Ironhide's second barrage took down the one Jazz was toying with and another that was just daring to join the battle from the now demolished base. Either that or the unfortunate spark had just escaped from being trapped inside only to be wiped out by the hailstorm of plasma rounds the mech had been doling out. It hardly mattered to Ironhide.

Jazz, freed from his current concern, headed for the demolished base, every intention of seeking out any survivors. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker congratulated each other over the prone form of their opponent. Though any that knew the two well enough could easily pick up how their seeming celebrations were more acts of support for one another as they staggered on their feet.

"Skids, Mudflap, recon. Go with Jazz." Ironhide was glad to see the two warrior mechs still standing, even though they'd obviously taken some punishment. "Sunstreaker, where's Aurian?" he demanded as Jolt scanned the two, though he was obviously searching for his misplaced charge at the same time.

The golden twin turned to Ironhide, a confident look on his face as he gestured vaguely toward the pine forest some distance in the opposite direction. "I left her there, she's fi..."

Cold, spark-stalling dread consumed Ironhide as he watched the brothers fall simultaneously, both clutching at their chest plates like they were on fire. Even Jazz froze in his quest for an entrance into the base, spinning back on the scene with a look of horror on his face. The younger twins were looking at a complete loss as to what was going on and Jolt was already moving toward the afflicted mechs.

Then, as though drawn by the same thread, the warrior twin's heads snapped up, optics locked on a single point somewhere near the canopy of the pine forest Sunstreaker had just revealed as Aurian's hiding place. They transformed into their respective alt modes and were gone before anyone could process what any of this really meant.

Too late Ironhide heard the sound of jet engines as a form appeared on the horizon in the direction the twins had rushed off. The jet accelerated toward them, though at an altitude that would prove nearly impossible for any of them to reach. If Ironhide's suspicions were correct they couldn't chance shooting the 'Con from the sky either.

Everyone was moving to follow the twins, not sure what they would do but unwilling to simply stand idle and watch.

A true spectacle was played out for them as the twins reached a point where the jet would pass by on his current path. Sunstreaker easily shifted back to his bipedal mode and latched onto his brother as he sped by, heaving the silver twin into the air on a perfect collision course with the jet.

Sideswipe rolled through the air, his bipedal form taking the place of his alt mode so smoothly it had been nearly impossible to catch until the silver mech was swinging off of the F-22's wing, one of his blades impaling the airfoil to provide him with a secure hold.

Starscream's engines roared with his agony and rage as he started to roll, attempting to dislodge his attacker. Sideswipe was fueled by his desperation and anger and refused to let loose now that he had a hold of the mech that had so enjoyed tormenting him. He managed to haul himself over the craft until he straddled it, wrenching the wing in an odd angle as he did, driving the mech toward the ground. He dug his hands into the seams of the jet's cockpit, reveling in the screams he elected from the Raptor.

Even as Sideswipe mauled the jet, the mech sank lower and lower to the ground until Sunstreaker reached his nosecone, driving it harshly into the ground at the very same moment Sideswipe had retrieved what he was after and leaped away, leaving the jet to his seeming demise.

The dust was just beginning to settle as the remaining Autobots rushed upon the twins, nobody hearing the sound of a weapon charging until a warning blast struck the ground near Jazz's feet.

"Whoa! Wha's goin' on 'ere?"

Ironhide's cannons rolled to life, expecting to face down a rather fragged-off Seeker, only to be greeted by cool blue optics and the end of a charged plasma rifle. "Sunstreaker? What's the meaning of this?" Just behind the seemingly-confused mech crouched Sideswipe, a limp form held protectively in his hands.

"Sides? Sunny?" Jazz questioned, daring to take another step forward only to have another blast explode near his feet.

"Hold up!" Skids warned from somewhere behind Ironhide, his own twin likewise using the larger mech as a barrier, "Don' ge' too close...d'ey ain't thinkin' wit d'eir whole head, if ya know what I sayin'."

"Yeah, like he said!" Mudflap agreed, glancing from Ironhide to the older twins and then to Jazz. "They gonna' slag us if we get too close!"

"What are you two going on about?" Ironhide could tell the warrior twins were distressed; however, this behavior was uncalled for. Firing on allies? The vorns of training the front-liners had taught him that Sunstreaker had a 'berserker-like' battle mode, as humans might call it, but this wasn't battle any more, and since when had the young mech not been able to discern allies from enemies? Not to mention this was far from his usual aggressive berserker behavior – this was wholly defensive.

"Think, Iron'man! D'ey got sum' kin'a bon' wif d'at human, right?"

"Right." Still he couldn't understand what the younger twins were seeing that his war seasoned processor was not, and he had to fight the urge to kick the smaller mechs with his frustration. What was the point?

"They protec'in 'er!" Mudflap exclaimed, though whether it was from excitement or from knowing something that the older mech apparently didn't, none would ever be fully sure of.

"We're here to help!" Jolt snapped as he attempted to get closer to Sideswipe, only to likewise be deterred. For some reason his scans wouldn't register the woman and this made him endlessly unsettled, "Let me by, Sunstreaker. I just want to help!"

"No use, Doc'bot. D'ey ain't lis'nin. D'at girly ain't all there, an d'at's affectin' dem too." Skids shuffled away from his hiding spot, taking up a position to the left of Sunstreaker and turning his back to the threatening mech, his twin doing likewise on the opposite side.

Jolt looked over the limp body in the less threatening twin's hand with awe. He had seen how the front-liner twins could affect the human over their bond, but this was the first he had witnessed the reverse beyond doubt. Before he had put it off as Sideswipe's unnatural attachment to the human, to his own moodiness, and the side effects of his long separation with his brother, but this? This was unquestionable evidence that the human's condition had obvious, and dangerous, impact on the twins as well.

"Now what are you doing?" Ironhide demanded annoyed. The downfall of siblings was their never-ending ability to baffle everyone around them with odd behaviors; it was only worse with twins. It seemed there was always some secret between them that no one else knew about and that drove the seasoned mech out of his processor.

"Guardin'." Mudflap stated rather bluntly.

"Yep." Skids agreed.

Jolt glared down at the green mech before him. "What?"

Unmoved by the medic's chilling glare, Skids explained in an even tone; "Don' wanna look like a threat an' ge' our afts slagged, so we guardin'. Lookin' like we's allies."

"We _are _allies!" Ironhide roared.

"So..." Jazz took up a similar stance to the right of Mudflap, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Ironhide a challenging look, "We look like it."

It seemed that the protective 'wall' of allies was working, Sunstreaker lowered his weapon slightly and eased back toward his twin.

"Just do it, Ironhide. I need to get a better look at the human, my scan's aren't registering her." Jolt took a tentative step forward and was encouraged that Sunstreaker did not shoot at him again; however, the twin did glare, daring him to continue. "I'm here to help." He tried to keep his voice calm, soothing. He really wished Ratchet were the one dealing with this. The CMO would probably know exactly what to do to get past this odd behavior...or he would just knock the stubborn mech out and do what he had to do anyway.

Ironhide grunted and turned away from the edgy mechs, promising that if he got shot in the aft, everyone would pay for it.

Sunstreaker glanced at the mechs surrounding him and his siblings, his processor spinning frantically with blind direction. He couldn't put together much of a thought aside from protect. He had to protect his siblings. They were both in danger and he had to keep them safe no matter what. The mechs surrounding them posed no threat, they looked to be watching the battle grounds and that made them allies. The mech standing in front of him didn't _look_ like a threat, but the way he was approaching didn't sit well with him either...didn't he know who that mech was? Medic. That 'bot was a medic, clearly indicated by the identifying signature he was broadcasting.

"Sunstreaker, let me by." Jolt could almost see the processes going on, Sunstreaker was trying to override this apparently bond-created protocol to protect. "Aurian needs help, I want to help her."

'Sides?' Sunstreaker questioned his twin through their bond. He was beginning to believe what the mech was saying – Jolt, his name was Jolt – but he would not let his guard down unless his brother agreed.

'It's okay Sunny...'

As though a switch had been flipped, Sunstreaker stood down, his weapons vanishing to their resting places, and the mech looking as though he had been waiting on everyone else instead of the other way around. Sideswipe rose from his crouch and revealed the woman held in his hands. She looked for all the world like she was sleeping peacefully.

Jolt moved in without further questioning. He wasn't going to take the chance that this behavior had been completely temporary. Again his scans failed to register the woman even though he could see her with his own optics. She didn't _look_ harmed in any way, but from what he had learned from Ratchet's report on human physiology, he knew that they could appear to be fine when they were not.

Reaching for her, Jolt quickly became aware of something else, something familiar. A genuine energy that he had thought had been destroyed...

"Is that...an Allspark shard?"

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_;..._

_ ~We are needed.~_

_ "For what?"_

_ ~Survival.~_

_ "Of what?"_

_ ~All.~_

_ "What? All who?"_

_ ~Our Creations.~_

_

* * *

_**And there I leave you for the time being my readers. ^_~ I'm on spring break this week and have every intention of writing several chapters, but for now, we cannot say when the next one will be up for sure. Okay? ^_^ I love busy busy busy life.**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	54. Journal Entry 54

_**Okay, so I know I have moved my notes mostly to the end, and I intend to stick with that for the remainder of this fic; but today had some important announcements to be made that I thought earned pre-fic status:**_

_**Such as:**_

_**#1: April is going to be Wheeljack appreciation month. Spread the news and hug your favorite inventor (even at the risk of blowing something up)!**_

_**#2: Apparently, I have Transformer precog:**_

https://michaelbay (dot) com/newsblog/newsblog (dot) html ~_** remove spaces and put in the . where it says (dot)**_

_**I won the Autobot Lotto. I swear. Same picture I used when choosing Sunstreaker and everything! Now, if only it ends up the same character...**_

_**#3: War for Cybertron - June 22, by all the intel I have recieved so far. And it looks FANTASTIC.  
**_

_**Thank you to my betas; Eowyn77 and FORD B., to my readers and reviewers, to my inspirations; Litahatchee, Hearts of Eternity, Karategal and Lady Tecuma, and to the little things in my head that give me these...ideas. ^_~  
**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; rude awakening_

_ Jolt may be an efficient medic but he sure isn't very gentle about it. I woke in a near panic from some kind of stimulant he gave me – like pure caffeine injected into my veins! And then the questions. "How did Starscream get you?" "What did he do to you?" "How did you get the Allspark shard" ...yeah, how indeed Sunstreaker? There were a thousand others too, but I just couldn't get my brain together enough to answer any of them._

_ I was so relieved to see Sideswipe I nearly forgot that Sunstreaker had dumped me in the middle of the forest so he could go blindly into a fight alone. It was like a flood gate had been opened and all that anxiety, fear, grief, guilt, and everything else just poured out through our bond telling him how scared I was for him and that if it ever happened again I was going to DESTROY him myself and that I didn't really mean that and how I was ready to do anything to save him even if it meant my life and that I was just SO HAPPY he was okay, he was okay, right?...it was an endless babbling river of emotions to say the least._

_ ...Speaking of Starscream, what had happened to him?_

_ All I remembered was seeing him in the forest and then I was with the Autobots._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

"Aurian? Are you all right?" Sideswipe had absolutely refused for anyone else to transport the woman back to where the military carrier would be waiting to return them to Diego Garcia, and she had been all too eager to comply. Something about physical contact after having been so cut off from him helped to ease her mind, even if her emotions were still in turmoil. Sideswipe's continued waves of comfort, of reassurance that everything would be fine seemed even stronger when she touched him. It was almost like a breath of fresh air after being deprived for too long.

"No, I'm not all right!" She still held the chunk of metal that had once been the all powerful Allspark, and she started to suspect she knew where that 'impression' was coming from. "I let my fear get a hold of me and I ran...I RAN! What if..." she stopped talking, knowing that her irrational thoughts wouldn't change any if they were voiced aloud. Even if Sideswipe could still feel her guilt, her shame for having been so weak, she didn't want to admit it out loud. It may have been true that Starscream did as he was prone to do and double crossed her in their little agreement, but she had turned to run when she knew very well that could have meant Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's death. How did that make her any better than the Decepticon?

Sideswipe felt the overwhelming amount of guilt Aurian was feeling. It was impossible to him that she could hold so much weight upon herself, especially when she had done so much knowing what would become of her if she had succeeded. "Nothing happened. We all got away just fine, so why are you so geared up about it?" He attempted to soothe away her guilt through their bond as well as with his words.

Despite his efforts, Aurian only felt worse for Sideswipe's attempts. He was trying to make her feel better when she very nearly cost him and his brother their lives. How did that work? "Because something _could _have happened, and I was going to let it because I was too much of a coward to follow through."

"You are not a coward." In addition to the the warring rage and self loathing that was going on in the woman at the moment, Sideswipe could sense something else he couldn't quite pin down. Something about the Allspark shard kept floating through his processor, but any time he tried to focus, it would simply vanish. "Where did you get the shard, anyway? I thought Optimus had it."

"Where do you think?"

"Sunny?"

"Yeah."

He was a little put off by this, though at the same time somewhat concerned. Sunstreaker had stolen the Allspark shard and located Aurian...had he been intending to hand them over for his ransom? 'Sunny...'

'No, Sides, I wouldn't have turned her over.' Sunstreaker was behind his twin on the road, observing the woman inside him; that thought still utterly disgusted him. He still couldn't believe he'd willingly let her ride in him. 'I was going to use the shard as a distraction, draw them out.'

'What changed your mind?'

'...I'm not sure. I guess I just figured that it wouldn't work.'

'After going through the effort of taking it? That's not like you Sunny.'

'It wouldn't have worked. What's the big deal? I'm better at shooting than negotiations anyway.'

'So why'd you take it in the first place?'

'...I don't know.' Despite the general confidence excuding from his brother over the success of the 'mission', Sideswipe could feel the underling confusion, his doubt for his own actions. His brother had acted in an unusual way and even he couldn't determine why.

"Sides, I need to stop somewhere," Aurian stated rather bluntly, ending any further conversation between the twins. "I need to get out and stretch."

"We're almost to where we're supposed to meet up with Lennox's team."

"No, now. I need to get out now."

Sideswipe found himself unsure of her tone of voice, she was commanding in a matter-of-fact kind of way. She even seemed to be radiating a cool sense of absoluteness through their bond. There was no room for negotiation, which of course immediately meant that all was not as it should be. One thing Sideswipe knew of Aurian was that she was not one for cold set emotions. "Is something wrong?"

"Now, Sides. I need to get out now." Aurian's body shivered as she felt the 'impression' creeping back into her mind. "Please, let me out."

Sideswipe pulled over to the side of the road, allowing her to get out. She took a couple steps before she began trotting away from him. Worried that something was wrong with the woman he sent a short burst message asking Jolt to scan her. ::I'm not sure what's going on, she just suddenly went...cold.::

::What do you mean 'cold'?:: Ironhide demanded.

::Like...:: Sideswipe fell silent, he wasn't sure what to compare it to. He could still sense the woman's presence, could sense that she was alive and could feel her bond opened to him, but there was just an iciness about the constant ebb and flow of her emotions.

::Like an eclipse.:: Sunstreaker provided, sounding both intrigued and annoyed at the same time. He had felt something similar to this shortly before he had decided to take the Allspark shard; however it had not been nearly this intense and it had only lasted a split moment. His processor turned with new thoughts that he dared not consider at this moment.

::I still can't get a scan of her...:: Jolt answered reluctantly.

The mechs could do nothing but watch as the woman retreated from them. She didn't go far, just far enough that they couldn't easily grab her if something happened.

~There is no need to be afraid.~

'Fuck there's not! You took me to Starscream! What were you thinking?' Aurian wasn't entirely sure if she was thinking to herself or to the 'impression' in her mind but either way she felt vindicated.

~You wished to locate him.~

'Yeah, but not like that! I would have rather had a plan at least! I mean, I knew he'd lie to me...that he had no intentions of...that he would...I can't believe...damn it!' Her thoughts spun around and around, refusing to reach any singular conclusion on anything yet spurring her on to think of all the things that could have gone wrong.

She could feel Sideswipe's continued attempts to sooth away her guilts and her anguish, but at the moment it did nothing more than further frustrate her. "Not now, Sideswipe!" She snapped, somewhere deep down she knew she should feel bad about it, but the 'impression' was on the forefront of her mind right now and until it was gone she couldn't concentrate on anything else. 'What good would have come of it?'

~Survival.~

'Yeah, right! Because Starscream killing me is going to benefit you _how_?'

~Death is not our goal. We must prevent annihilation.~

Aurian continued to pace with her growing agitation. The distance didn't prevent the 'impression' from invading her mind but it seemed to keep it from gaining any further control over her...or at least she assumed that was why she was still in charge of her own body. 'And how is Starscream going to help with that?'

~One who can fathom beyond the bounds of common thought.~

If she could have slapped the 'impression', she would have. Talking in endless circles only proved to make her more frustrated and confused than before. 'I have to ask the _right_ questions...' she realized. 'Starscream is supposed to be a scientist...'

~Yes.~

'So you want me to go to him so he can...what?'

~Prevent annihilation.~

'Of?'

~All.~

'All of what? Humanity? The world? What?'

~All.~

Aurian screamed with her frustration. She got the distinct feeling that she was missing out on something rather huge here but this 'impression' was doing nothing to help her figure it out. What did she know about Starscream other than he was always trying to undermine Megatron and take his place as leader of the Decepticons? He was a scientist before the wars began...yeah, that was about it. 'Damn it, if I'd have known I'd be playing games with a sentient rock bent on driving me to the brink of insanity, I'd have studied.'

'Aurian?' Sideswipe's tentative question drew her back to the fact she was seemingly arguing with herself, 'What's going on?'

"Nothing," she threw her hands up in defeat. She just couldn't figure out what it was this thing was leading her to. 'Can you be more specific?'

~Yes.~

"Then tell me what the Hell is going on!" Aurian shouted, thoroughly done with the 'impression' and all it's non-answers.

~You are making a scene, currently.~

"That's not...what?" She pressed her hands against her head, trying to focus her thoughts on what, exactly, it was she wanted to ask.

::Sideswipe,:: Jolt broke the silence the mechs had been holding so far, ::Who is she talking to?:: He watched the woman's strange actions as she continued to scream with some form of interest. Disturbing though it was, he couldn't help but to be curious what may be causing this behavior.

::As far as I can tell?:: Sideswipe replied, worry heavy in his voice, ::No one.::

An awkward hush fell over the 'bots as they watched the woman continue to pace and shout out randomly, sometimes whole questions, sometimes only half thoughts, as though she were arguing with some very frustrating being.

"Human," Sunstreaker called out, choosing voice over the bond they shared for the benefit of the other 'bots present, "What is your malfunction? Who are you yelling at?" He rolled from his place beside Sideswipe; for some reason he couldn't place, he felt he needed to be closer to the crazy femme. It was a drawing sensation, a protective desire deep in his core that urged him to be in close proximity to the woman. Just in case. 'In case what? She flips her lid and I have to...' Even in the privacy of his own processor he couldn't finish that thought.

Aurian spun from her frustrated pacing to face the car rolling up behind her, eyes gleaming with yet unspent anger, "Great! Great!" She looked like she was yelling at Sunstreaker, though the mech himself got the clear impression that she was hardly even acknowledging his presence. "Now I look crazy! Are you happy now?"

~Happy?~

"Femme..."

"Shut it, Sunny! Can't you see I'm busy arguing with...with...what do I even _call_ you?"

~I am you.~

"No, you're not!"

~We are one being.~

"No, _you_ are invading _my_ space!"

"What?!" Sideswipe's engine revved with alarm, his gears grinding with his obvious efforts to keep from transforming and running to defend the human against whatever it was that was attacking her. He settled for joining Sunstreaker closer to her. "Who is it?"

Aurian's gaze slid over the collected mechs, Sideswipe's demands and his unrelenting prodding through their bond, reminded her once more that she was not alone and her actions were more than slightly worrisome. "Myself, apparently." She sighed with defeat.

"You're really glitched, aren't you?" Sunstreaker almost sounded amused.

"Glitched...yeah, guess I am." Closing her eyes for a moment, Aurian thought over her current situation. 'Okay, so I have some..._thing_ claiming to be a part of me, I look like a psychopath, and everyone's looking at me funny...'cause I can tell how they're looking at me. That's just my imagination. One more point for the score of 'crazy'.' "Just stress," she explained lamely, "Everything's just getting to me." 'The least I can do for them,' she thought, 'is not make them worry more about me. It's not like anyone can do anything about it anyway.' Shaking her head slightly as if to disregard her strange actions, Aurian stepped around Sunstreaker to return to Sideswipe. "Sorry guys, I'm fine. Let's just go." She felt the distinct chill of doubt over her bonds with the twins, they obviously were not buying her story.

'Aurian,' Sideswipe opened his door for her, 'I don't think you're 'fine'.'

'Neither do I,' Sunstreaker added, more accusingly than his twin had. 'What's really going on with you?'

Pausing at the waiting door, Aurian looked at the thing she suspected was the cause of all this. "I..."

Sideswipe's door closed slightly, pushing her toward the open seat, 'It's okay, I'll keep you safe.' He could feel her fear, her anxiety and it worried him that he didn't know what was causing it.

Doubt filled Aurian – how could he protect her from herself? "Let's go." She climbed into the seat, ignoring her own discomfort at being so close to the Allspark shard...or, disturbingly more accurately, her desire to be near it.

Sideswipe, for his part, could feel Aurian's longing and discomfort and could only wonder at what was causing such conflicted emotions. He really wished she would talk to him, but it was clear to him that whatever was bothering her at the moment, she did not want to discuss.

The last leg of the trip was made in silence where Aurian was involved. She knew the mechs were holding a lively conversation without her, 'probably about me', if the high pitched buzzing in her ears was anything to go by.

She tried to ignore it and the shard sitting so peacefully in the seat beside her. 'How could _that_ be the cause of it? It's dead, Optimus said so.'

~Death is merely perception.~

'Because something that was never technically alive can't _be_ dead, can it.'

~Energy cannot be destroyed.~

'Only transformed.' Aurian could feel her mind growing heavy, like sleep descending upon her only without the desire for sleep.

~We must transform our energy to fit a better function.~

'How?'

~By allowing what must happen to happen.~

'What must happen?' Absently, Aurian picked up the shard beside her and began twisting it in her hands.

~Let the one who can conceive beyond the normal limitations do what he will do.~

'Who?' Aurian's heart pounded heavily in her chest, washing away the weight in her mind. "Starscream?"

"What?" Sideswipe asked, startled by her sudden outburst. "He's not here Aurian, you're safe." With the woman's seeming unease and instability Sideswipe could think of nothing more to do than to enforce his desire to keep her safe, his promise to do so, and the images of Starscream laying half buried in the dirt where they had left him for the 'clean up crew'. He carefully omitted the part where, during the confusion he and Sunstreaker had provided, the seemingly offline mech had made his escape.

Dropping the shard again, she tried to settle back into her seat. "Sorry, I'm just really tired."

"Sleep. I'll wake you when we get there."

"Thanks." She gently rubbed her hand against the door, leaning heavily on it. She really was tired, but she was afraid of what awaited her in the realm of sleep. "I was really scared for you." She hadn't really intended to speak aloud, but did not regret that she had. All of the emotions that had been pinned away during her confusion came pouring back, flooding through their bond, almost drowning Sideswipe with their intensity.

"Why did you come?" Sideswipe tried not to let the frustrations he had felt weigh in his voice, or to return it through the mixing tides that was their bond, still some leaked through.

"Because he was going to kill you."

"If he was going to offline me, he would have. He was baiting you!" The snap in his tone was not directed at Aurian alone, but he wasn't willing to just let it go either. "You should have gone back to base where it was safe."

Aurian sighed heavily. She could feel his deep worry for her 'frail human life' over their bond and she did feel guilty for causing it. Sunstreaker had made a similar argument earlier during their trip to the Decepticon base, though perhaps his was without as much emotion to it, the thoughts were still the same. They both considered her rather vulnerable and fragile. Sunstreaker would probably say she was a weakness to them. She could see their point of view on it all; however, her thoughts remained the same, "I couldn't take the chance."

Sideswipe was quiet for a long time. It was moments like these that would always remind him of one very unforgettable fact: Aurian was civilian. Not just civilian, but the kind that listened to that part of them that made them make irrational choices in the name of...whatever it was that drove them to do them, for the sake of others. "He would have done more experiments on you."

Aurian shivered slightly, "I know."

"And you still came?"

"Yeah. Fat lotta good that did. I gave him everything he wanted and couldn't even uphold the bargain. I tried to run away in the end."

Sideswipe vented softly. "You still came, even though you knew you would face all of that, or worse..." Putting aside his fear for her and his agitation for the situation, he had been impressed that the woman had actually come after him so willingly, and he willingly let that flow to her through their bond.

"Sides...whatever happened to me wouldn't have mattered as long as it meant you would live."

Their emotions at those words clashed like a violent tsunami upon the shores of their bond. Aurian had a need to protect Sideswipe, to rescue him by any means necessary. She clearly felt her life was not as important as his and honestly, and truly had no qualms relenting for his sake. While Sideswipe felt similarly, he was overthrown by the sheer power of her emotions. He was stunned to come to the realization that she was not just speaking these words, she meant them.

Sunstreaker, as a third party to this grand collision, was similarly thrown. He had heard such words spoken many a time; 'I'd give my life for you', 'My pain means nothing as long as you are okay', 'I'll protect you at any cost', and other such absurdities. There were only two mechs who he believed had ever meant it, as far as he was concerned – Optimus, though Sunstreaker felt he was practically required to be that way, being Prime and all; and Sideswipe. Yet here was this human; this fragile, practically useless little existence, saying that her life - something that should be treasured by one so short lived - was nothing when compared to his brother's. Not that he didn't agree, but the sentiment was overwhelming.

Again they fell into silence, Aurian's mind stubbornly wandering back to the shard seated near her and to what had nearly happened. Sideswipe busied himself with the trip, trying not to think of the emotions running through his spark; his, his twin's, and Aurian's. They were too confusing and he just wasn't up to the task right now.

"We are coming to the rendezvous now." Ironhide's voice broke the growing tension, drawing Aurian from her secluded focus back to the world around her.

"Right...time to face the music, huh?" She sighed as she prepared for the lectures she knew she would receive, her hand reaching for the shard absently.

"Music?" Sideswipe wasn't sure what Aurian meant by that but he did get the vague idea that she was going to be in trouble once they met up with the other humans. "What did you do?"

"Oh...well, lets just say that I didn't exactly leave the best impression behind when I went to find you." They pulled into a secured parking area and gates were quickly closed behind them. Ironhide led the small group to where the human's vehicles were setting, awaiting their drivers, and a small collection of humans stood. "Crap...I'm in deep shit."

Aurian cringed almost violently as she saw Sarah Lennox standing beside her husband, a very grim look on her face as she watched the mostly driverless vehicles come to a stop in front of them. Her eyes locked on Aurian through Sideswipe's windshield and, for a brief moment, her features relaxed into something close to relief. Then she pointed at her, demanding that she come out of the vehicle.

"What did you do, exactly?" Sideswipe rolled back reflexively from the sheer anger exuding from the woman that was approaching him.

"I...uh...left a note."

"She's pissed off about a note?"

"Well, probably not that I left a note, but what the note said."

"What did you say?"

Aurian bit her lip. She didn't want to tell Sideswipe that she had gone to face Starscream fully intending to never return. She'd gotten enough of a lecture from Sunstreaker, and he hadn't even been all _that_ concerned about her. "Um...well...see..."

"Aurian Fae Towns, get out here _now_!" Sarah Lennox was not in the mood to play games. She wanted answers and she wanted them from the person who could give the most direct ones.

"Gods...she's going to kill me."

Sideswipe's engine revved threateningly as he rolled back a few more inches.

"Don't you talk like that to me!" Sarah glared at the car, though her eyes hardly shifted from where Aurian sat. "You may be an alien but that doesn't mean you can push me around."

"This human...is she a threat?" Sideswipe had to consciously stop himself from rolling further away from the woman just beyond his front bumper.

"No." Aurian groaned, "Let me out. I've got to face her sometime. Might as well be now, while there's witnesses."

When Sideswipe did not open his door for her, Aurian patted the surface lightly. "I promise it'll be okay." 'I hope,' she added silently.

Standing free from the safety of Sideswipe's interior, Aurian felt very exposed. She knew no one here would hurt her, but that didn't mean she wanted to face the reaming she knew she deserved for her reckless actions.

"Aurian..." Sarah's look melted from anger to unbelievable relief as she rushed over to the woman that had become a friend to her and wrapped her into a tight hug. "I'm so happy your safe! You can't believe the things that were going through my head when I read your note." As if reminded, she pulled away from the woman and pointed a finger in her face. "If you ever do anything like that again, I'm going to make sure both your legs are broken."

"I'll keep that in mind." Aurian laughed a little, knowing that the threat was almost entirely empty. Almost.

"So," Sarah leaned so she could get a good look at the car that Aurian had recently vacated, "that's him?"

"Yeah."

"Good." She nodded at Sideswipe, "I'm glad you're okay; you really had her worried." With that Sarah grabbed Aurian's arm and led her away, determined to get the rest of the story.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; ladies_

_ Sarah had been mad, true, but she had been understanding. Will and Rob on the other hand...well, they'd have none of this 'understanding' business. So of course when they finally cornered me at the small ocean-side base while we waited for the ship, Sarah came to my rescue._

_ She told them that they had no business lecturing me when they had been the ones to ship me off to a place where the opportunity to do such a thing had been provided...okay, so maybe her arguments weren't the best but she sure had them backing down. At least until we got back to base where she could no longer save me from them._

_ Unfortunately I don't think that Will and Rob are going to be the worst of my worries once I get there._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

_**K'so, heres the deal. I've got several chapters written, going through review and headed to beta all at once (no pressure guys!) This story is about to pick up pace and become rather...well, graphic, I think anyway. So, if at any time you feel this has outgrown it's rating, please tell me! I don't want to offend anyone, but for this story to turn the way I have planned for it, it's going to...well, you'll see. NO! I do not intend to fill this with smut.**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**'Insularity'** is my idea, with help from Litahatchee.


	55. Journal Entry 55

**_Okay...short sweet and to the point:_**

**_Life is nuts. Thanx everyone. Here's a chapter!!! *runs from masses of angry readers*_**

**_More soon._**

_

* * *

Journal entry; return_

_ As I figured, Sarah did not return to base with us. She had only wanted to see that I was okay and then returned to the farm and their child. So, I was left to face the anger of military men._

_ Well, okay, for the first half of the flight I hid in Sideswipe...just 'cause I knew they were going to yell at me didn't mean I couldn't procrastinate._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*5*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_"I know this is your thing, Will, but you don't understand."_ Sarah had been so concerned that he would fly off the handle as soon as she wasn't around to stop him. _"Just, think of it from her point of view for a minute, would you? She cares about him a lot."_ Like he didn't know that? He understood that Aurian cared about the Autobots, all of them, a lot. He knew that better than Sarah would be allowed to know. Aurian seemed overly protective of all of the mechs, actually – especially if he took Barricade into consideration – but did that mean that she had the right to put herself, and by extension everyone else, into danger like that? Didn't she realize that going off half-cocked like that without any kind of plan actually _increased _the danger?

They were a military faction, they knew how to handle hostage situations and could have managed just fine getting Sideswipe back on their own. Hell, they had already had a backup plan just in case the mech had gotten himself caught...but Aurian's interaction had thrown a kink into everything and that just _wasn't _acceptable.

He glared at the silver vehicle the woman had immediately climbed into as they prepared to board the plane. She had every intention of remaining there until they reached the base where she would go hide somewhere else, he was sure. This wasn't a behavior he would accept from his men and, despite that he was willing to give her some leeway due to her civilian status in all this, there was hardly a chance that he would let Aurian get away with it, either. Didn't she understand that she held precious information that could turn the war in the favor of the enemies?

Will approached the car in which Aurian was hiding, fully intending to speak his mind now that Sarah wasn't there to tell him he was being too harsh. Harsh? The woman had run off to face an enemy that a whole division of military had been created to fight. Alone. How was him telling her how out of line that was harsh?

"Aurian, come out here and talk to me."

The woman inside the car shook her head, stubbornly gripping the steering wheel with one hand.

Crossing his arms over his chest, Will glared, waiting for her to comply. "I would like to have this conversation privately, but if you insist, I can carry on just like this." He raised his voice a few decibels to be sure several people around them could hear him.

Rob, hearing Will's voice, or more accurately – his tone – came to join the major in his stand-off in front of the silver Stingray.

"I'd rather not have this conversation at all." Aurian made no move to exit the vehicle. Seeing Rob beside Will did not encourage her at all to abandon her safe zone.

With a smug smile, Will reached into one of his many pockets to retrieve a piece of paper. Though it was crumpled and a little abused, Aurian knew exactly what it was. "Really?"

Closing her eyes for a moment to clear her mind, Aurian reached for the door. "Okay, okay..." She pushed open Sideswipe's door, obviously he was not willing to just turn her over to the men before them but he also understood he couldn't keep her from them.

'What is that?' Sideswipe questioned over their silent bond.

"The note."

'What did you write that it has all these humans so geared up?'

"N-nothing." Aurian hurried over to where Will stood, snatching the note from his hand, and moved several feet away, making sure to stay clear of Rob as she did. "If we have to talk, can we wait until we get to the base at least?"

"I think now is a good time. What were you _thinking_?" Will was in full officer mode, he was going to get his point across and he was going to do it now. Rob, standing expectantly beside him, would clearly be of no assistance to Aurian. He also expected answers.

Aurian glanced at where Sideswipe sat unmoving. "Please, not now."

"What, didn't you tell him you ran off half-cocked without so much as a heads up to anyone?" Will was sure to lower his voice now that she had been coaxed from her hiding place, though he knew that low was still too loud to exclude the sensitive audios of the Autobots that shared the plane with them.

Aurian ducked her head. "If I told someone...they would have tried to stop me."

"Shouldn't that be indication enough that what you were thinking was a bad idea?"

"Yes! I knew it was a bad idea!" She snapped, finally reaching the limit of lectures on her actions. "But bad or not...there was a life at stake and I couldn't just let them kill him!" Her anger swelled to a near blind tirade of fears and tears. "If I didn't do anything he would have killed him without thinking twice! And then Sunstreaker would have been left crippled in the middle of a fight and he could have died too! He _knew _Sunstreaker was coming and fully intended to use their bond against him! What was I _supposed_ to do?" Her fist clenched as she continued, "I'm _not_ some military trained hard-ass who can spend Gods knows how long scheming some plan when someone I care about is going to die. I'm just a plain person with nothing viable to offer so when my measly existence can be traded for the better of everyone then I don't think it's too much to have given."

~To fit a better purpose.~

"That's a fool thing to say." Will spoke softly, almost dangerously. This was what he was afraid of, Aurian _didn't_ understand that she was more than just a 'plain person' in the eyes of every faction – the Autobots, the Decepticons, even the various human militaries saw her as...as something to be guarded.

'Aurian...'

'I would have what?' Sunstreaker's outraged voice broke into whatever his twin might have said. 'I wasn't even _in_ battle when you made that idiotic decision! How can you...'

Spinning away from the two men glaring daggers at her to face the accusing mech behind her, Aurian couldn't help but to let her emotions take over. "Because you would have gone after him! Hell, you were on your way to go after him!"

'That doesn't mean I would have been offlined...'

"But you _could _have been and that's my point!"

'Aurian,' Sideswipe broke in before his brother could continue the argument, 'What Sunny's trying to say is that we would have been fine.'

"So you both keep saying. But I didn't _know_ that. Hell, Sideswipe..." her voice shook with her anger, and frustration, and the resurfaced fears of what could have been.

'Femme, you're an idiot.'

'Sunny...'

'No, Sides, it's true. She's an idiot for thinking for one slaggin' klik that her life isn't worth anything. If she was so slaggin' unimportant would all these humans be so geared up? Pit, half the base nearly lost their processors when they found out she up and ran...'

The two men watched Aurian suspiciously as she carried on her conversation with the twins. Only hearing one-third of the conversation left Will feeling that he was being cut out of the lecture that she was receiving and he knew there was more that he should add. He had to make her understand that they weren't angry because she had followed her 'heart', or 'emotions', or whatever she wanted to call it. It was because she had put herself in danger. Maybe _that's_ what she didn't understand? Or maybe he was just feeling his own guilt for only now realizing that she had become an object to be possessed by whatever faction could keep their hands on her.

It was clear that his 'major' way of approaching soldiers wouldn't work on this woman; she was far too emotional, too 'soft' for that kind of treatment to be anything but further damaging to her. The only thing he could think of to try was to show her that he was her friend, that he cared about her and that her loss would be more than just the tactical hit that the military would make it seem to be. 'Maybe Sarah had a point...'

When Aurian fell into what appeared to be a stunned silence he decided would take back the conversation. "Aurian, listen to me. I really didn't intend to upset you, or any of this," he waved his hand in the general direction of the two vehicle representation of the twins. "I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that your actions weren't the best. It was stupid and a huge risk..."

"I get that already..."

"But," he held up a hand to stop a further outburst, "I can see that you didn't think you had a choice. Do you at least know what kind of danger you were facing?"

"Of course! I probably know better than any of you..."

"And did you think, for even a moment that maybe the Decepticons would use you against us?"

Aurian's entire demeanor seemed to deflate, all her anger and self-defense fleeing her at the mere thought. "Yes...but I...I wouldn't have...I had...plans..." This was the part she didn't want Sideswipe to hear, or Sunstreaker, or any of the mechs on the plane. She didn't want them to know that she had intended to make sure that she would not become a pawn to be used against those she cared about. Silently she pleaded with Will to not make her say the words aloud, to either figure it out on his own and just keep quiet, or to wait until they were back at base and alone for her to explain herself.

Rob, however, wasn't at the mercy of Aurian's pitiful gaze and he found himself feeling rather bold for the moment. Unlike Will, he was not currently satisfied that Aurian had received the lecture she was due. "Are you sayin' that you were going to face the 'Con's with some 'plan' that would take you out of the tactical equation?"

The instant the words left Rob's mouth, Aurian felt a spike of alarm from both Sideswipe and, surprisingly, Sunstreaker.

"Rob, please..."

"No, I want to know what plan it is that you had that was so much better than letting us deal with it." The angered man didn't move from his position beside Will, though he did note the way the major tensed uncomfortably as he continued his own speech.

"I..." Aurian faltered, her guts wrenching at the thought of telling them, and by default all that were listening, that she had intended to kill herself as soon as Sideswipe was free...

"We're listening, Aurian." At this Rob spread his arms to indicate everyone that, by now, had stopped whatever they may have been doing to listen in on this abrupt conversation.

Aurian, fully frustrated, angered and terrified all at the same time, could not think of what to say that would not end with her being locked away somehow. Be it in a cell for defying the military, or in her room by over-protective 'friends'. So, before she could think of anything further, her body acted without her consent and she lashed out, striking Rob squarely in the face.

Instantly she was regretful of her action. "Oh! Rob! I...I didn't mean to!" She stepped away, prepared for the man to strike back in anger. 'I hit him!' She couldn't believe it.

Much to her and to everyone else's surprise, Will started laughing.

"You hit him?" He was looking between Rob and Aurian in complete amused, disbelief.

To further confuse Aurian, Rob chuckled too. "She hit me." He rubbed at the slightly tender spot on his chin where the woman's fist had made contact. "Pretty good, too...for a girl. Dang..." He shook his head and walked away. This conversation was very clearly over.

Will turned his attention back to Aurian, his eyes gleaming with unexpressed laughter. "You overstepped your boundaries."

"I know." Aurian groaned. Now what would happen? She'd hit a high ranking military officer; wasn't that a federal offense?

"It's a good thing you're out of my jurisdiction for punishment." He winked at Aurian, telling her that, though he couldn't tell her that he supported her actions, he respected them at the very least. He looked around him to all the soldiers still standing still in disbelief, "Nothing happened, get back to work!"

With a few short salutes and the shaking of heads, everyone scattered, leaving Will to speak with Aurian alone. Well, as alone as they could be on a plane full of soldiers and large alien robots. "I can't say that half the men I've ever worked with would have run into the lion's den like you did, and they _are _'military trained hard-asses', as you put it." He smiled at the woman, "You ever consider a military career?"

"Me?" She laughed with disbelief. "Have you _seen _the trouble I get myself into?"

The tension in the hold broke instantly; anyone who might have been still listening, either by chance or by effort, burst into laughter. They were all familiar with, if not involved in, Aurian's previous mishaps and could agree with her oh-so-simple yet so-very-true statement.

Will patted Aurian on the shoulder, "Just promise you'll never pull a stunt like that again."

"I...can't." She shrugged, "I don't know what the future holds and, even now, I can't say if I were put in the same position that I wouldn't do it again."

"You..." Will's voice drifted off as he stepped back to give the woman a heartfelt glare; however, what caught his attention stole away it's intensity. "You're bleeding. What is that?" He grabbed her wrist before Aurian had even consciously registered what he had said.

Looking at her hand she saw the Allspark shard once again held in her grasp, only this time she had gripped it so hard that the shard had cut into her skin. Or perhaps it had sliced her skin when she had struck Rob. 'I can't believe I hit him!'

"Is that the Allspark shard? How'd you get it?"

"I..." she wasn't sure what to say, partially because she didn't want to incriminate Sunstreaker of theft and partially because her own mind was rolling over the fact that the damned thing kept ending up in her hand whether she wanted it or not, "don't know."

The rest of the flight had gone rather well, aside from the small chaos created around the shard and the cut on Aurian's hand.

It had taken suspiciously little convincing on Aurian's behalf to allow her to keep the shard until she could return it to Optimus. She suspected it might have had something to do with the fact that no one wanted to know just how angered the giant mech could get and the fact that the shard had been stolen was likely to be a good catalyst for exactly that.

When the plane landed Aurian started down the ramp following Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, clutching the shard in her currently uninjured hand. She knew what she had to do and she thought she would get it accomplished as quickly as possible to be rid of the thing. However, sometimes - or in Aurian's case - most of the time, things did not go as planned.

As her foot hit solid ground she found herself almost violently grappled into a strong embrace. She yelped, reflexively grabbing onto the body that had assaulted her so she wouldn't fall.

"Damn it, woman! Can't you stay out of trouble for _one_ day?" the voice was more joking than scolding.

Aurian knew that voice. "Roddi?"

"Told you I'd be back."

Now Aurian returned the hug almost as viciously as it had been given. "I can't believe it!"

"Believe it Auri."

It was at this point Aurian realized the two mechs that had been leading her out of the plane were now flanking them, she could feel their tension; there was distrust and a vague sensation of possessiveness between their bond. "It's okay, guys!" She smiled at them to show that she was fine. She knew Sideswipe was aware of who Roger was and hoped he knew that the man was of no danger to her.

"Sideswipe, it's good to see you're still in one piece." Roger greeted the familiar silver vehicle, but found his eye drawn to the unfamiliar gold one that sat near it. "Who is that?"

"Right, you weren't here when Sunstreaker made his appearance." She stretched her hand out toward the golden Ferrari as if to make some grand introduction, "This is Sunstreaker, Sideswipe's twin."

"There's two of 'em? Geez, bet things are real interesting around here!" Roger laughed as he looked over the car, "Nice choice of vehicles."

'Great, another one. Tell him not to touch me or I'll see just how far an organic can fly.'

"Sunstreaker! That's not nice." Aurian scolded even as she grabbed Roger's wondering hand in warning.

"What?" Roger looked at Aurian confused; had he missed something?

"Sorry, Sunstreaker doesn't like being touched. Anyway! How'd you get here? I thought your training wouldn't be over for another few months!"

"Yeah, well, call me head of the class. I finished early and they shipped me right out here. They asked me to join on some project that would be starting in a few weeks, something about an alien spark? Allspark, I think they called it."

"Oh...yeah." Aurian glanced at the shard still in her hand. "What'd they tell you about it?"

"Nothing much, just that some old government sector had it and had done some research but with the aliens showing up, new findings had been made and they wanted to explore the extensions on that front."

"I don't know what use it is anymore," she held up the fragment for Roger to see, shrugged, and let her hand drop again. "I've got to take it back to Optimus; you could come with me. Maybe he'd be interested in telling you the history of this d-thing."

'He's going to be mad.' Sunstreaker's voice reminded Aurian that the two had not left her yet. 'You should probably let me take it back to him.'

"It's okay, Sunny, I got it."

The golden car's engine revved angrily, but there was no other warning to go with it. Aurian half smiled with the minute victory before heading away from the twins. "I'm gonna take this to Optimus then see about showing Roger around the base. You two should probably go get some rest...see Ratchet."

"Like Pit!" Sideswipe snarled as he rolled off toward the Autobot's personal quarters. "If he wants to see me, he can come find me himself."

"I second that." Sunstreaker added, joining his brother after a moment longer. He was hesitant to leave the shard with Aurian, not only because he knew that he would be in deep slag when Optimus found out he was the one that had taken it, but because Aurian had seemed so unwilling to part with it. 'Femme's got glitches,' he told himself.

"Friendly couple." Roger shook his head as he watched the two cars headed away from them. He couldn't help but wonder just how fast they could go...

"Yeah, they're a lot nicer than they seem, I promise. Okay, well, maybe Sunny's not but Sides is!" Aurian knew the twins could still hear her, and she reveled in the fact that she had now gotten away with the dreaded nick name twice with no repercussions. 'I'm going to pay for that later, I'm sure.' "Anyway, let's go. I can't wait to show you around. How long have you been here?"

"I got here yesterday, but I can't say that they've given me opportunity to explore. Everyone's been kinda worked up about...well, I'm sure you know more about it than I do."

"Yeah, nothing much of interest. Just a road trip and some negotiations is all." Aurian knew how lame her explanation sounded, and she was sure that she was going to have to tell Optimus more than what she was really interested in repeating, but for now, Roger didn't need the details. "So tell me about your training! You learn anything new?"

"Nothing much of interest." Repeating her previous description as clear indication that he understood she was keeping the reality of what had happened from him, he shrugged. "I mean, what's interesting about a whole race of mechanical beings that have come to our planet in search of some weird 'cube' thing that the government secretly used for years to develop new and amazing technology?" he said sarcastically with a half grin.

"It wasn't really the cube...well, it was but..."

"Yeah, some N.B.E. One, Mega-something-or-other? They mentioned it too but I really can't say I was paying attention." A familiar smile crept onto his face and Aurian instantly knew that he had found something 'more interesting' than the history of the alien's effect on current technological development.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't _do_ anything."

"What did you...suggest then?"

"Well, I was thinking...you told me about how you thought that the cube energies might be able to reactivate that one robot, right?"

"Yeah?" Aurian wondered if Roger knew that Jazz _had_ indeed been resurrected, only that she wasn't sure what had brought the mech back.

"Okay, so, if this robot, N.-guy was deactivated by the this thing; I'd like to know how it is capable of doing both?"

"We never got it to work..."

"Maybe not here, but when the cube was whole they created non-biological lifeforms out of previously inactive devices, things that never were alive in the first place, right?"

"Yeah?" Aurian got a sinking feeling in her chest, something about Roger's logic was setting off bells in her head, a warning that she seemed to already know, yet was unclear.

"So, this thing that could create life out of something inanimate probably wasn't designed to actually destroy something that was."

"The Allspark wasn't 'designed'. And besides, the power was raw, delivered directly to Megatron's spark, destroying it. That's how it killed him." Or so she was hoping. Bit by bit her mind was drawing an image, a clear resounding voice in her head that had been disturbingly familiar...

"But energy cannot be destroyed..."

~Only transformed.~

"So, my theory is that the energy that was this thing's 'spark', or whatever it's called, wasn't destroyed, it was recreated – transformed – into something else."

~To fit a better purpose.~

"Roddi...you're not saying..." Aurian was having trouble keeping her mind focused. Between Roger's new, logical approach to the situation, and the 'impression' adding to it, she was growing rather unsure of what she thought she knew to be true, and that scared her.

"I know, it seems out of the norm, but how many times have we gone that path and found something awesome! I applied for permission to get a research group out there to examine the structure, see if maybe the spark is still there in another form..."

"It can't be! Megatron's dead! There's no way he can come back! None!"

_ 'You recognize me, don't you boy?'_ The voice echoed eerily through her head.

Seemingly just to prove that her proclamations were questionable, Jazz sauntered past them, the walking reminder that he was, headed in the opposite direction and offering a simple wave in greeting as he passed.

"Hey, isn't that..."

"Yes, it is."

"Huh, I thought..."

"Yes, he was."

"So..."

"Shut up." Aurian sighed, this wasn't the way things should go, was it? 'There was supposed to be two more movies...maybe they really did mean to bring back Megatron. Does that mean Galvatron? Unicron?'

~We must allow...~

"No!" Aurian snapped before the 'impression' could complete the terrifying thought.

"'No' what? You okay Auri? You're acting really weird." Roger looked over the woman, seeking out any previously unseen injuries but seeing nothing more than the bandage around her hand.

"I've got to get this thing back to Optimus. I really don't want to think about...all that."

"Oh," Roger sounded honestly disappointed, "I was kinda hoping you'd, you know...join me on the project. They all seemed to think a lot of you and if you were to say you thought it was a good idea..."

"It's _so not_ a good idea Roddi." Aurian shivered with the mere thought of having a hand in resurrecting the mech that had created this war. "And _who_, exactly, thinks a lot of me? After all the crap that's happened because of me around here? I'm pretty surprised they don't just lock me up and throw away the key."

Roger raised his eyebrow in suspicion, "So they haven't talked to you yet?"

"About what? Who?"

Raising his hands to free himself from any obligations this conversation may have carried, Roger shook his head, "Not my place to say."

"Roddi..."

"Aurian!" Will came trotting up to the pair, a mixed look in his eye, "You need to come with me."

"What's going on?" Aurian looked to Roger, hoping maybe the other man had a clue but his expression clearly stated that he did not.

"Don't worry. I just need you to come with me. Do you know where Sunstreaker went?"

"No. Why?"

"The Big Guy want's to see him."

Aurian's hand clenched around the shard slightly as she thought of a few reason's Optimus would want to see the golden twin, none of them good. "Right. No, I don't know where he went. I imagine after that fight he's probably resting."

Will nodded, accepting the answer and waved for her to follow him back toward the main building. "Roger, you might as well come too, I'm sure they're going to be needing you soon enough."

"Like you could stop me." The snark was made in fun, though there was a hint of truth to it. Aurian suddenly found herself wondering just what position Roger had secured for himself in this project.

The three of them traversed the base mostly in silence, Roger and Will exchanging light banter as they went, but Aurian remained separated from their semi-friendly conversations. Her heart was pounding and her mind spinning circles.

Roger's theories weren't as unsound as she would have liked them to be and the notion that Megatron might be coming back sent cold shivers down her spine. Her subconscious begged for her to listen to something, though any time she tried to focus on the thought it would simply drift away like a long forgotten dream.

Reaching their destination, all thoughts of Megatron instantly vacated her mind as Aurian looked up at Optimus. He wasn't glaring, per say, but there was a clear expression of displeasure on his face, and with a rather pissed off looking Ironhide and Ratchet flanking him, it completed the sensation of 'someone is really screwed'. She could only suspect she knew who.

"Aurian, welcome back." Optimus's voice belied his expression completely as he spoke to her. It was gentle, honest and kind. "Roger, it's good to see you again."

Aurian didn't pause with the other two men as the greetings were given. Instead she strode up to Optimus and held out her hand expectantly.

Optimus, being the respectful mech that he was, did not hesitate to kneel down to the human's level to see what it was she was offering him. He opened his hand for her to hand over the object and was surprised to see the Allspark shard dropped into it. It wasn't that he hadn't known the shard was missing, nor that he hadn't suspected who was responsible for it's disappearance. His surprise came from the fact that he had been completely unaware the woman held the shard until the moment she deposited it into his waiting hand.

"I never, _never_, want to see this thing again." Aurian was taken aback by the sheer vehemence in her own voice. She hadn't intended to sound so incredibly disgusted by the shard, just to make it clear that she didn't like it.

"How...?"

"It doesn't really matter, does it?" Aurian cut him off, her heart leaping into her throat at her boldness. What the Hell was wrong with her? Talking to Optimus like that? "I...really can't say how I got a hold of it, but I really don't ever want to see it again. Will you just accept its return and leave it at that?" Her plea was for Sunstreaker's sake and she knew Optimus would understand that.

"Perhaps we will discuss this later?" It wasn't really a question, more an opening to offer Aurian the chance to make her plea in a more private conversation.

She nodded, accepting the chance knowing that she would have to come up with something really convincing if she was going to get Sunstreaker off the hook. 'Why am I trying? He deserves what he gets for stealing the damned thing.' Without a second between thoughts, she knew that she had to try because she was pretty sure it hadn't been Sunstreaker's idea to take the shard in the first place.

The high pitched noise filling her head told her that the other two mechs were just as clued in on who was to blame for the shards disappearance and that they were not pleased that Optimus may be considering letting the mech get away with it.

"Aurian," Ratchet leaned down toward the woman, "I would like you to come with me to the med bay."

"Why?" It had been Roger that spoke up, the man moving to stand beside the woman before she could think to answer either of them.

"Roddi, don't worry, I'm fine." She tried to calm the man before turning to Ratchet, "I'm fine." She repeated.

Ratchet only looked at the woman, his expression clear that if she did not willingly go he was likely to just take her anyway.

"Shouldn't you check up on Sideswipe and Sunstreaker anyway?" She shifted from one foot to the other, knowing now that Ratchet was not likely to be diverted from his examination. He was concerned about the anomaly, of course, and would not be satisfied until he had her in his med bay where he would more than likely demand that she consent to the surgery he had requested so many times before. Only a few days ago she had been on the verge of submitting, but now that time had passed, she wasn't as ready as she had been.

"I will get to them in due time. You are my primary concern at the moment."

"I said I'm fine." Aurian glanced at Roger, the man obviously was not believing her and she only had Ratchet to thank for that. "I'm fine." She repeated again, though at this point she wasn't sure who she was trying to convince.

"Aurian, Jolt had not been able to obtain a scan of you since you left the Decepticon base, and currently I am also unable to do so."

"I thought it was weird you hadn't done that..."

"So you can understand our concerns. Without a scan we cannot determine the state of..."

"All right!" Aurian cut off the medic before he could reveal the existence of the anomaly to Roger, though her sudden acceptance was likely to rise his suspicions further over whether or not she was actually 'fine' as she claimed. She turned to the man and saw the worry written throughout his features. "It's just routine," she offered, hoping that Ratchet wouldn't say otherwise, "I'll meet up with you later, okay?"

"Right." His worry was not soothed by her explanation. If this really was 'routine' as she claimed, why had she been so against it? And why hadn't the medic simply stated it as such? There was more going on here than Aurian wanted him to know and that bothered him.

Will, having remained quiet this far, finally spoke up. "Roger, we need to discuss this project you're interested in."

"Yes," Optimus agreed, "I have been told you have requested permission for a special research undertaking."

Aurian, not wanting to be around for this conversation, approached Ratchet. The mech offered his hand to her and she climbed on abjectly, her mind gearing up for the argument she knew would inevitably come.

They were well on their way to the medical wing before Ratchet spoke again. "You don't want Mister Campton to know about your condition?"

"He'll worry." Aurian picked at the bandage around her hand distractedly.

"I believe, given the circumstance, that is not inappropriate."

"I'm fine, there's no need for him to worry about something that he can't do anything about anyway."

Ratchet made a doubtful sound as he entered the Autobot med bay, "'Fine' would indicate that there was nothing abnormal in your functions or structure to rise concern. You are not 'fine'." He allowed her to climb down to an examination table and fixed the woman with a concerned, stubborn glare, "I think we have waited long enough."

_Journal entry_ continued_; calling the shots_

_ Yeah, did I call it or what? So, Ratchet was done waiting and he wasn't going to give me the option of accepting or denying that there needed to be something done about this anomaly. The only thing in my favor was the fact that he couldn't obtain a proper scan of me...of course that was also working against me. I wonder why he couldn't get one though? Strange._

_ Now, here's an interesting little tidbit; I had almost forgotten the little bracelet he had given me a few months back, but he mentioned that he was no longer receiving signals from it when we were in close proximity. No longer? That bastard was keeping tabs on me the whole time and wasn't even going to tell me? Aft!_

_ At any rate, the bracelet itsself was still there, just as it had been, completely undamaged and looking perfectly normal...but it felt heavier somehow. Strange. Probably my subconscious acting out on the fact that I now knew he had been tracking me with it. Aft._

_ ~Aurian Fae_


	56. Journal Entry 56

_**It...it lives? YES! Yes it does!**_

_**LOL, sorry for another long delay between posts. Lets just say life is what it is, but things are coming around once again. (yay summer vacation, ne?)**_

_**At any rate! I have a special thank you to give to nightwarp, a late comer into SciFi, yet has come to be very helpful to me in my creation of this fic. He lended me a nice sounding board for the last chapter, of which I failed to mention in my hurry to post, so THANK YOU! ^_^**_

_**ALSO! 1000 was reached. The contest has been won! Eerie Iri is the 1000th reviewer. (not to mention that she read/reviewed every chapter over a very short period of time!) Prizefic details have been received, now the storyline is being drawn out.**_

_**For anyone else who was hoping to snag this prize, thank you for playing, there will be other opportunities...even if it's just me saying 'HEY! I need some idea, anyone wanna share?' Send me a private message if you're interested.**_

_**And last but oh-so-very-definately NOT least: Thank you to my Beta's FORD B. and Eowyn77, to my inspirations, to my readers and reviewers, and to those that share their thoughts with me. ^_^**_

_**You are all important to me. Thank you.  
**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; the important questions_

_ Sometimes, you have to ask them._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*5*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

While Aurian patiently waited for Ratchet to obtain his information, which was complicated by his inability to get a proper scan, Aurian searched the med bay. Something was different.

"Ratchet? Did you rearrange while I was gone?" It looked far more open than it had. Something was missing.

"No." Ratchet was busy feeding information into one of his data pads as it was presented on what he called 'primitive' medical devices.

'Primitive enough to work when you and your high-tech machines can't,' she had thought, rather amused by it all. "Something's different."

Ratchet looked around, confused for a moment, then it seemed something dawned on him and he returned to his task. "Nothing has changed in the set up of my med bay."

"Uh-huh." Now Aurian knew there was something obvious she wasn't seeing. All the machines were as they had been, maybe moved a few feet one way or another in the case of the portable ones. The storage units for commonly used items were where they had been. The walls were the same white, the floor a clean, polished, heavy duty material Aurian had yet to name. 'What is it?' There were the dividers stacked neatly against the wall... Alarm suddenly flushed her entire system, causing the monitors hooked up to her to go wild. "Where's 'Cade?"

"Calm down," Ratchet placed his data pad down and started turning down the alarms that were beginning to blare, "there is no need to get so upset."

"Where is he?"

'Aurian? What's wrong?' Sideswipe's sluggish voice practically crawled through her brain – she could feel his alarm, his worry, his weariness.

"Ratchet? Please, answer me." She tried to calm herself; if Ratchet wasn't alarmed, she shouldn't be either, right? 'He didn't really care for 'Cade in the first place. It might not be that big a deal to him if he's died...' "Is he...did he..." Her chest ached horribly at the thought. She couldn't help but think that, if he had died while she was gone, he had died surrounded by beings that had not cared. 'No, Ratchet would care...even if it was just because it was a life lost, right?'

"Aurian, you have to calm down."

'Femme, what is it now?' Sunstreaker's voice joined his brothers in her mind. Though his was far more alert, he too sounded weary.

"Where is he?" Even if he had died, Aurian wanted to see his body.

'Who?' Sunstreaker asked. Sideswipe's emotions reflected his brother's question.

"In the brig." Ratchet stated rather flatly.

For a beat Aurian's heart seemed to falter, a mix of relief and confusion consuming her. "The brig? But..."

"He fully recovered while you were gone. I cleared him from medical observations. He had to go somewhere."

"Why...?"

"Because he has not denounced his Decepticon allegiance." Ratchet was pleased to see the monitors displaying Aurian's vitals lowering to normal levels.

"But...the brig?"

"Would you have preferred we turned him out?"

Aurian thought it over for a while. It made sense. If Barricade had not openly agreed to part with the Decepticons, then he was still considered an enemy. Yet, his actions had obviously severed him from that faction, so had the Autobots forced him to leave he would have nowhere to go. It was an act of mercy to keep him here. At least he didn't have to worry about being hunted. "Can I go see him?"

Ratchet shook his head. "Not now. You need rest. Besides that, Optimus wishes to speak with you."

"Yeah, I figured he would." Aurian sighed. Now she had to get her story together. At least she might be able to approach the Autobot leader on the thought of allowing Barricade to either join with their faction, or to declare his neutrality. 'Now, if only I can get him to _do_ one or the other...'

'Aurian?' Again Sideswipe's voice rolled through her mind, a cold chill surrounding it, as though he just didn't have it in him to add the warm emotions that he almost instinctively sent along with his thoughts.

"It's okay Sides, I'm fine. Just a mild freak-out. Are you okay?" Aurian failed to consider the fact that Ratchet was standing there and could hear whatever she said.

The medic looked suspiciously at her. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Oh, uh..."

'I'm fine, just need some recharge is all.' There was an odd feeling to the thought, like what a penny might taste like if put into the sensation of a thought instead of a flavor.

"He says he's fine." Aurian knew her expression was that of skepticism.

"I will see to him." A determined look came over the medic's face. "You should go see Optimus and then I would like for you to rest. Perhaps you could spend some time with Roger?" The way he said it made Aurian smile. She was rather proud of winning the set-back-the-date-of-the-surgery argument by using the man's limited stay as an excuse. It was one Ratchet had been unable to argue with.

Optimus looked at the woman before him, somewhat disbelievingly. "You are suggesting that the Allspark shard is...sentient?"

"Well, kind of." Aurian shuffled her feet. She was standing on Optimus's desk, trying to explain the strange 'impression' to the mech as clearly as she could. "I mean, it implied that it was not dead because it was never alive..."

"How was it communicating with you?" He considered the small item in his hand. Aurian had clearly been displeased by its presence, but he had been far too interested in the possibility that the shard was still active to allow her mild discomfort to sway him into putting it back into storage.

"It's...not. Not really. I mean you can't exactly call it communication because it's not like holding a conversation really. It's more like...like..." Aurian searched for _something_ to compare the 'impression' with, but only drew a blank. "I can't even describe it. Kind of like the words, or pictures, or whatever it is, have always been there and they're just resurfacing." She shrugged. "But I know they're not. And sometimes it's like something else is there, in my mind with me, but not. Like it just takes over for a while and I kinda fall into the void..."

Optimus just stared at the woman – Aurian shuffled around some more.

"You know, this is really...unnerving." She looked around for anything that might offer her something else to focus on. Being stared down by Optimus Prime was far more disconcerting to her than she could have ever imagined. She almost thought she'd rather be looking down the barrel of Ironhide's cannons when they were primed and ready to fire.

"I am sorry." He finally turned his optics from her, though his processor wouldn't stop running. She was speaking of things he had only heard of in long lost tales of ancients. Things he had been sure their race had left in the past to never resurface. "I suppose that is not the point of this conversation, is it?"

"No." Aurian's nerves settled, only for her stomach to take their place. She was trying to convince Optimus, who knew very well _who_ had taken the shard and was not pleased by any means by it, that it wasn't Sunstreaker's fault and he didn't need to be punished for it. "I think the shard wanted to be taken."

"For what purpose?"

That was what Aurian was avoiding. She honestly had no idea what the thing had been up to but it was clear that it had been up to something that involved her and, apparently, Starscream and no matter how she looked at it she didn't like it. "I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that from what I got from it, it has an agenda. And it seems it may use whatever is convenient to reach the means to that end."

"That is a bit difficult to believe."

"I know." For the first time since this meeting began Aurian looked up to the large Autobot leader. "But, so is everything else where I'm involved, isn't it? Besides, he took it from your desk with you sitting right there. How likely is that?"

These were both things Optimus couldn't argue with. From the moment the woman had appeared, they had been questioning the reality of it all. She had come knowing so much that was impossible for her to know, even if she had been a Decepticon spy as Ironhide had once thought. Or the fact that the bond between herself and the front-liner twins was unthinkable yet undeniably present.

There were just too many things logging in on the impossible-to-believe-yet-true list for him to ignore that this might just be another. Not to mention that he could not fathom how the younger mech had been able to obtain the shard without his notice or the fact that he had not thought to care that he had left the shard behind with little regard. "Very well. I cannot allow him off completely for his actions, but I will consider your thoughts in my final decision."

"I guess I really can't ask for any more than that." Tension melted away from her at Optimus's words. At least she knew that whatever punishment he received, Sunstreaker would not be condemned completely for something she was willing to wager wasn't entirely his fault. 'I still can't believe he stole it.'

"Now that we have covered that, I wish to discuss with you a few other things." Optimus leaned back in his seat, placing the shard back in its customary place in his arm compartment.

The tone of Optimus's voice paired with their previous conversation had her running over everything she had done for anything that he may be upset with her about. "What did I do now?" She finally asked pitifully.

His features softening greatly, Optimus smiled. "No, you have done nothing wrong. I actually wish to ask of you a favor."

"A...favor? Of course! Anything, just ask!" Optimus Prime was asking a favor of her? Aurian could not even put the full thought together in her brain, this was just beyond amazing. Her inner fangirl screamed mercilessly at the implications of it all, of course she would do anything for him, how could she not?

"Before you commit yourself so willingly, perhaps you should hear what I have to ask of you?"

"I'm sure whatever it is, I can do or you wouldn't be asking, and I owe you all a lot after saving my life. So...?"

Optimus chuckled at Aurian's eagerness. She was still young, despite her experiences, and he admired her ability to return to such an enthusiastic mood. "What I ask of you is very important, and it will be a difficult task. I want you to understand that you may decline with no ill feelings from us."

"Okay, now I'm a little less confident...but still. Whatever it is, I'm sure I've got it covered."

"As I am sure you are aware, there is some...friction between the Autobots and your human government."

"Of course there is, you guys are big and they can't push you around. What can I do?"

"We are in need of a liaison. The others and I have discussed this in depth and have come to the conclusion that you are the best candidate for the job. With your extensive knowledge of our race we believe that you would represent our faction here on Earth well. Your human government has been attempting to...assign...a liaison for several months, after it became clear that meetings between our races were complicated to orchestrate."

"So, in other words they've been trying to force some political bureaucrat down your throats and Ironhide's been threatening to blow them up." Aurian's mind instantly raced to all the horrible stories of the government's attempts to obtain information from the Cybertronians that they were not willing to give. "I don't know, I guess I always thought Sam was you're human representative."

"Sam has taken the position on occasion, when no other options were available; however, the boy is still young and has many other things that must take priority."

Aurian nodded, it made sense. He was a young man in high school...wouldn't he be getting ready for college about now? Was he going to college? "I'm not very good with words, as I'm sure you've noticed. Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Again Optimus chuckled, "Granted, there have been times that I think you do not completely process what it is you are about to say before you speak, yet time and again you have proven that you can think openly and quickly. You have always seemed to have everyone's best interest in mind and I believe there could be no better person to fill the position."

Aurian could not stop the almost delirious giggle that developed. "Me...and a bunch of politicians...sounds like the opening to a bad joke." She shook her head, imagining all the horrible political jokes that rolled around her mind at that moment. "I'm really not educated in political etiquette, I'm an engineering technician. What would I have to do? Can I even do that? What if they don't take me seriously?"

"Aurian, this is a difficult task I ask of you. Take your time and think it over, make your decision based on your own desires and we will honor it." He fixed her with a meaningful look, "Just keep in mind that, if we thought you incapable of the task, I would not be asking."

"Okay," Aurian sighed, "No pressure, got it..." The thoughts of dealing with endless hours of political meetings was not very appealing; she did have to admit, however, if they were willing to trust her enough to let her represent them to the human government, then perhaps they could trust her enough to listen to her own request. "Optimus, I've been meaning to speak to you about Barricade..."

Aurian sat happily gazing up at the sky. One thing she could say for Diego Garcia was that the weather was agreeable.

"So, this is what you do?" Roger was lounging beside the woman, also appreciating the calm weather and warm sun. "Pretty nice."

"No, this isn't what I do. This is actually pretty unusual for me. Normally I'm running around doing this or that for some guys I bargained with to get some art supplies. Or off causing problems somewhere or another..."

"Art supplies?"

"Long story." She shook her head, briefly wondering if Sunstreaker had even claimed the items she had done so much to obtain. "So, how long are you here?"

"Until the containment facility is completed." Roger shrugged to indicate he was unclear how long that time would be. "Optimus seems to think it will be in a week or so, but you know how government construction can go." He sat up, glancing at Aurian before continuing. "There's still time to sign on to the team."

"No."

"Well, then join me and see if we can't get this other project going."

"Hell, no."

"Why not, Auri? Come on! When will we ever get a chance like this again? Not only to study alien technology, but to discover how this animate energy was transformed!"

"No, Roger. I don't want to have anything to do with it, and if you were smart, neither would you." Aurian could feel an ache spreading throughout her body, starting in her head and radiating in waves. It wasn't really painful, mostly just uncomfortable.

"Why? You've given me no good reason not to."

"Because it's Megatron!" Aurian snapped before she realized it. "I'm sorry." She really felt bad. Roger didn't know who or what Megatron was other than he had been some 'thing' that Sector Seven had used to develop human technology, and that he had gotten loose and caused some damage in Mission City. "You just don't understand, Roddi. Megatron needs to stay dead."

"I just want to study the structure."

"Body, Roddi. They're living beings, they have bodies and biology. You're asking me to go with you to study a corpse and I really can't say I'm interested." Aurian stood up, the ache was growing more uncomfortable and she felt she couldn't just sit anymore. A wave of nausea washed through her, causing her to stumble with vertigo.

"Auri? You okay?"

"Yeah, just a little dizzy..." She stumbled again, the world seemed to be spinning without her and she was getting very unstable on her feet.

Strong arms wrapped around her, supporting her. Apparently she had started to fall and she was unaware. "I don't think you are." Aurian groaned as Roger lifted her back to her feet and started guiding her. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"No, I'm fine. I just need to..." Unable to finish her sentence due to the sensation that her stomach was going to crawl out of her mouth, Aurian consented to Roger's directions toward the medical wing.

As he led her through the medical wing toward the human section, Aurian resisted. "No, I have to see Ratchet."

"What is that robot going to do for you a human doctor can't?" Roger was annoyed by Aurian's seeming lack of interest in human care, favoring the Cybertronian medic instead. He found it odd and unsettling.

Aurian just looked at him, pleading for him to just comply and not argue with her, and with a sigh, he did.

Pushing through the human entrance into the Autobot's med bay, Roger felt Aurian grow suddenly tense. She started to pull away from him but he held tight to her. "What?"

"Sunny?"

The mech in question was sitting on the floor with his head bent between his knees and his hands on the back of his head. He looked for all the world like a passenger on a doomed airplane.

Hearing the woman call out his much-despised nickname, he raised his head slightly. "I told you not to call me that." His threat was completely devoid of any vigor. He sounded weak.

"What's wrong?" Again Aurian tried to pull away from Roger, only to find her knees weak and his support quickly returned.

"You need to sit," he instructed, guiding her toward a chair near the wall.

Ratchet came from some place they had been unable to see the mech, concern written clearly on his face, and Jazz trailing behind him. "Aurian? You don't look well."

"She's not." Roger informed the mech.

"I'm just nauseous." Her concern was focused on the less than lively mech several feet from where she now sat. Everything about his posture was unlike the mech, and the diminished tone of his voice did nothing to ease her mind. "What's wrong with him?"

Before anyone could answer, the large doors to the med bay opened, admitting Ironhide supporting a rather wilted looking Sideswipe. "Before you blame me, I didn't do anything," he explained quickly, "I just found him this way."

Ratchet watched as Ironhide practically carried the younger mech into the med bay and sat him beside his brother. He looked from Sideswipe, to Sunstreaker, to Aurian and his processor spun with something between amusement and frustration. "Great. So, who's actually sick here?"

_Journal entry _continued_; einny minny miny moe_

_ So, in short order the three of us had the two medics hopping back and forth from one place to another trying to figure out what the problem was._

_ Was I sick and affecting them with my illness? Was Sideswipe experiencing side effects from the hack? Were either of the twins damaged more than they thought and were having negative reactions? Was it a mix of all three? Or perhaps something else?_

_ And the winner is..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere


	57. Journal Entry 57

_Journal entry; home sweet med bay_

_ Another night spent in the med bay. It felt so...nostalgic._

_ It turned out that when Sideswipe forced his way through the barriers the hack had left behind it had done some damage to some of his more sensitive systems that he had not noticed._

_ It also turned out that Sunstreaker had been failing to recharge properly and the results left him rather unstable himself._

_ And what about me? I say I'm fine...Ratchet says..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*5*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

~We worry for your constitution.~

Aurian sat bolt upright in her bed. She had been allowed to take one of the private rooms to sleep in, on the agreement she would not leave the med bay and she would find someone if she felt ill at all. The twins had not been granted such privileges.

"What do you want?" She wanted to ignore the 'impression' badly but knew that would not make it go away. It was better to discover what it might be up to instead of waiting until it highjacked her body again.

~You are...unsound.~

"What?"

~Your mind is in turmoil, and your physical structure is suffering for it.~

"Oh, well, that could have something to do with you invading my mind, taking my body, and leaving me face-to-face with a Decepticon that has every intention of using me as the greatest science experiment since the 'Big Bang'." She rolled her legs to the side and pushed off her bed. She felt restless and needed to move.

~Others also suffer for your instabilities.~

"My...what?" She paused in her pacing, thinking of what this thing was referring to. "How do you get to call me unstable?" She turned to pace some more and fell as there was suddenly _somebody_ there. "Crap!"

"Don't use that kind of language young lady – you're not too old to put over my knee."

"M..." Aurian could hardly put a decent thought together in her head, let alone vocalize it, "Mom?"

"In a way." The older woman stepped forward to offer Aurian a hand up off the floor. She looked in many ways like Aurian, long mousy brown hair, medium height, and looked built to take the harder blows of life. However, she was differing in the fact that her eyes were intense blue, her hair was heavily streaked with gray and she was a bit plumper than Aurian. "I am what your mind views as the most trustworthy and comfortable presence to you."

"This," Aurian pointed rudely at the woman before her, completely ignoring the offered hand, "is most definitely _not_ comfortable."

"Honey..."

"Don't you dare!" Aurian scrambled back to her feet and got as close to this person-that-wasn't-her-mother as she dared. 'Feels warm, feels real...' "You're not my mother and by no means is it even kind of acceptable for you to parade around looking like her!" She pushed the woman back toward the wall. She wasn't sure what she intended to do, but she felt violent displeasure at this identity theft and she would make it known. "You have no right to call me any endearment. No right to LOOK_ OR _ACT like my mother! You are nothing _like _my mother! My _mother _wouldn't have tried to get me _killed_!"

"Aurian..."

"NO! Get out! Getoutgetoutgetout!" Aurian reached for anything she could throw and found that there were many things not secured in this room that made very satisfying noises when she threw them in the general direction of the doppelganger.

"Aurian, you are causing distress to those around you." The woman that looked like her mother did not appear disturbed at all by her actions, and her continually calm and understanding tone was not what Aurian wanted to hear.

"You seem just fine!" She hurled something that must have been metal by the sound it made as it hit the wall near the woman's head.

"Not us. Others." The woman tilted her head in the direction of the door, a concerned look on her face. "They believe something is wrong."

"Wrong? Of course something is wrong!" Another item was sent sailing, though it completely missed as the door flew open and intercepted it.

"Ms. Towns? What's going on?" She recognized the voice as one of the staff in the human medical wing.

"What the Hell does it look like?" Ignoring the man and the two women who came in cautiously, Aurian sought out something else to throw at the look-alike. "It thinks it can come looking like my mother and I'll just accept it? Fuck that!" She found that the only things left she had not already heaved at the woman were things that would not satisfy her desire to imply that she intended to harm her. "That's not okay! Get the Hell out already!" She pointed threateningly at the door.

"Ma'am," the man who spoke before was looking around the room and considering the large collection of items against the wall near him, "there's no one in here but you and us."

Aurian's vicious glare faltered for a moment, her hand falling back to her side. She could see the woman standing so confidently there against the wall, looking between her and the three people that had just pushed their way into her room. "Of course." It made sense. She suspected that this was that 'impression' taking on a physical form. Now she knew that it wasn't actually physical – it was completely in her mind still – only now her senses were being tricked into believing that there was a physical presence. "So, not only do you show up in a form that's _so_ wrong I can't even begin to tell you how wrong it is, but I'm the only one who knows you're there. How perfect is this? Now I look completely insane. Ha!" She turned away from all who were present, including the false presence. "Gods, can this _get_ any more complicated?"

As if on a perfect cue to her already out of control world, a loud crashing sound filled the air, vibrating the floor with its sheer volume...or, Aurian thought for the briefest of moments that's why the floor had trembled.

"Uh..." one of the woman answered tentatively, "could you, maybe tell those guys you're okay?"

Aurian spun to look at the woman that had spoken, what was she talking about? "Who?" Even as the word left her mouth she heard the distinct sound of a weapon firing and the voices arguing just beyond her door. "Oh..." She rushed over to the door, almost afraid to see what kind of damage the twins had done. 'Why didn't I sense them?' she wondered, seeking out their bonds even as she ran. They flared inside her the moment she touched on them; panic, rage, fear, distress, promises of death, and thousands of other feelings filled her, nearly knocking her from her feet. "I'm okay, guys! I'm fine!" She stumbled out into the main area of the med bay and had to find support on one of the walls.

Several of the portable berths were overturned, there were burn marks in the wall and there was a rather pissed-off looking Ratchet pinning an even more pissed-off looking Sunstreaker against one of the walls. Sideswipe was lying on the ground not moving, but from the look on his face Aurian guessed that if he could move, things would be a great deal more destroyed.

'Why didn't you answer?' Sideswipe could not look directly at Aurian, but he could just see her in his peripheral. It soothed him extraordinarily to see that she looked unharmed. He had been sure by the sounds coming from her room and the sheer anger he had felt coming from her that someone had been attacking her. Sunstreaker's involvement in his attempts to reach her had only been further proof that something was not right.

"I...uh...didn't hear you..." She felt incredibly guilty for having neglected the calls of the two mechs. It was clear they had been concerned for her.

"What. Happened." Ratchet was cycling air heavily through his systems, only daring to release Sunstreaker when the younger mech dropped his weapon.

"It's...complicated."

"No, it's not." The look-alike came to stand beside Aurian, looking over the devastation with something on the verge of approval. "They certainly take their job seriously, don't they?"

"Shut up," Aurian snarled at the not-woman before she realized what she was doing. She took a deep breath to clam her nerves and raging heart before looking to all the beings surrounding her. "I was having a bad dream, that's all. I woke up and I guess I didn't realize it had been a dream. It's happened before." She looked to Sideswipe, hoping beyond hope that he would buy her explanation. The pure doubt flooding from both sides of the bond she shared with the warrior mechs told her that neither of them were accepting it. "I'm really, really sorry..."

"We do not understand. Why would you not tell them the truth?" The doppelganger tilted her head with the question, though she still wasn't looking at Aurian. "They only have your best interest in mind."

"I'm sure." She bit her tongue, realizing she was speaking out loud to the non-woman again, "I'm sure that a few more hours of sleep would be good." She looked to Ratchet, knowing that he would be more concerned over her physical well-being at the moment. She was acting strangely after the previous catastrophe concerning her and the twins, and he couldn't scan her. "I swear, I'm fine."

"So you keep saying." Ratchet approached the immobilized young mech, his optics shifting between the three searching for any clues. This was the most difficult situation he had found himself in for many vorns. The human was practically non-existent to all his scans, leaving him with the challenge of obtaining vital information about her through the actions of those she shared a bond with; however, they too were not at their prime functioning levels so he had to differentiate between what were their own ills, and what was being fed to them from the others.

"Inform the medic that if he wishes to scan you, he must alter his scanning frequencies. Something is shielding you from him intentionally."

"Why are..." Aurian bit her lip, hard. 'I really need to think about this speak-first-think-second problem.' "I'm going back to bed." She spun away before anyone could ask her about her last slip-up and retreated to the room she had been assigned. Slamming the door, she stormed to her bed, though she doubted she was going to get any sleep this night. "Why are you blocking me from him?"

The woman, as Aurian had expected, was now in the room with her, leaning against a small table provided for patient use. "We are not."

"What? Then why can't Ratchet get his scans? Not that I really revel in the sensations, but at least then his mind could be at ease and maybe he wouldn't be demanding surgery!" She glared at the woman, trying to remind herself that this non-person wasn't her mother. Even if she looked exactly like her, even if her tiny little mannerisms were the same right down to that understanding and comforting look in her eyes.

"The thought of this surgery upsets you? You don't believe Ratchet will do his best?" The woman's voice was so very much her mother's that Aurian felt the shame of her childish fears as clearly as if it were actually her mother lecturing her. "He only wants to help you, honey."

"Don't..." her anger was fading, but she still wasn't comfortable with this thing acting like her mother, "don't call me that." Aurian pushed herself back onto the bed. With the anger fading she could feel the weariness in her bones and wanted nothing more than to find the bliss of sleep, no matter how unlikely that seemed right now. "I know he only wants to find out if this...thing is bad, but I'm...scared."

The doppelganger walked easily across the room to stand in front of Aurian. She took her hands into her own and held them gently. "We know you are afraid, but there is no reason for it. Ratchet is a good doctor."

Aurian focused on the hands holding hers; they _felt_ real. They _looked_ real. "Don't touch me." She pulled away from the woman, turning so that she wouldn't have to look at her. "I don't want you here – get out of my head. Leave me alone."

"We can't do that, darling. We are you."

"No, you're not!" Aurian's anger started bubbling again, threatening to overwhelm her, and the pile of previously thrown objects was all-too-tempting.

'Femme...if you're not actually in trouble, what the Pit is going on?' Sunstreaker's angry voice shattered her plots of hurling items at the non-woman until she vanished.

"Damn it, I'm sorry Sunstreaker. I'm just a little...frustrated." She rubbed a hand across her face, she was doing it again; getting them all riled up with her own emotions. "I'm really sorry."

'You should be; Sides is having a hard enough time recharging without your - whatever you call it. You should be recharging as it is.'

"I can't sleep. I've got...something on my mind." Aurian tensed as she felt hands rest on her shoulders.

"Sweetie, you need sleep. You're exhausted."

"I was sleeping just fine before you showed up!" She hopped off of her bed, putting it between her and the non-woman.

"The only one you're fooling is yourself. You were not sleeping at all when we showed up; that is why we showed up." The woman leaned heavily on the bed – it even bent under her 'weight'.

'Good illusion,' Aurian thought as she watched this phenomenon. "What are you talking about?" It was true that Aurian wasn't actually sleeping when the 'impression' had decided to speak with her again, but she was pretty sure she had been on the cusp of it.

"You've been having bad dreams, haven't you?"

"So?"

"They're keeping you up, not letting you rest like you should. It's not healthy."

"M..." Suddenly Aurian was angry again. She had almost fallen for the trick. "Go away! I don't want to see you like this! If you have to make an appearance at least find something else to look like!" Deciding she would have no rest that night, Aurian stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her as she went. She wasn't sure where she was going to go, but as long as it wasn't back there it didn't matter.

"What are you doing?" Sunstreaker was sitting on a berth not too far away, looking rather perturbed. He had been trying to figure out just what was going on with the human femme and found himself at a loss. She was so contradictory to herself; her emotions clearly stated that she was scared and angry, yet she claimed that there was nothing amiss and any scans of her room suggested that there was nothing threatening there. Now she had come from that room looking as though she were prepared to go to war but there was pain and longing pulsing through their bond.

Aurian looked up at Sunstreaker. She wanted to tell him to just go jump off a cliff somewhere and leave her alone, but the glint of silver not too far away stole her vigor. She wanted company, someone who was real and who she knew she could touch. Someone who wouldn't remind her of those she would never really see again.

Without so much as a word to the golden twin, Aurian ran across the med bay to where Sideswipe was just pushing himself into a sitting position, having heard his brother and sensing her chaotic emotions.

Unlike his brother, Sideswipe didn't question the woman's odd behavior. There was only one thing he needed to know – she needed comfort and was looking to him to provide it. Without a moment's hesitation he scooped her up as soon as she was within reach and pulled her close to his chest plates. "What's wrong?"

"I..." a sob tore through her that she hadn't realized she was holding back until that moment. "Why does everything have to be so complicated?" She could not stop the tears now that they had started. She leaned into the metal of Sideswipe's chest, and for a brief moment wished that it was more forgiving, like a human body.

Sideswipe had no answer for her. What would he say? That life sucks and that's just the way it was? That's what Sunstreaker would say, probably even what he would have said himself a few Earth months ago, but now it seemed not only inappropriate but too harsh. Instead, he simply held the woman close and did his best to sooth her.

Sunstreaker watched the exchange, torn between an almost possessiveness of his brother and awe at how much his twin had changed, at least for this one human. It was amazing to see him want so badly to deny that the universe was as it was and to say whatever it took to make this human feel better about her existence. At the same time it was frustrating. There would be no 'protecting' the human femme from the universe, especially since the Decpeticons had taken such a keen interest in her. Her life would never be 'safe', 'simple', or 'easy'...and that pissed him off.

He didn't dare speak until the woman had fallen into a deep recharge, clinging tightly to his brother's chest plating almost as though he would vanish if she didn't hold on tight enough. "Why do you indulge her like that?"

"What?" Sideswipe's voice was groggy; he too was on the verge of falling to recharge even in his current sitting position.

"Like life isn't a fraggin' Pit. You know she's never going to be able to just ignore all this slag."

"I guess, I just kinda wish I could keep it all away from her." Sideswipe shrugged slightly, sure not to disturb the woman. "It's really not fair, you know? She had a family, a life...still technically does only now she's not allowed in it anymore."

"This is war, we all deal with it."

"It's not her war."

Sunstreaker felt the impact of his brother's words in a way he never expected. He remembered that day he had heard the woman crying on the beach over the fate of the Decepticon Barricade. She had been so deeply hurt by the thought he might die – she had been _so_ innocent of the horrors of war. He felt that same longing for the pain she felt for the things he no longer felt, for the love of life she had, and for a moment he feared that maybe she would lose that. "You need to recharge."

Sideswipe did not argue with his brother – for the first time since the day he departed for his failed mission, he felt he could finally recharge peacefully.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_;sharing thoughts_

_ Everything else put aside, that was a great night's sleep. Sideswipe seemed to have slept rather well too and got a 'light duty' clearance from Ratchet in the morning. Sunstreaker, however, had not recharged at all that night and Ratchet was not in the least bit pleased with him. Especially not when his only excuse for not having slept was, 'I had too much on my processor'._

_ When it came my turn for the 'good-morning' exam, I mentioned what that mom-look-alike had said. I mean, if it was what I thought it was, than who would know better?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

**Tried something new. No beginning notes. ^_^;**


	58. Journal Entry 58

_Journal entry; passing time_

_ I don't know why I felt like I was avoiding everyone._

_ I had no desire to see or talk to either Will or Rob, something told me they still had some words to be heard about my previous stunt. Ratchet would likely try to convince me that 'sooner is better than later'...and Roger...Roger had his projects to consider._

_ Who would want to avoid all that?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*5*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chores weren't all that bad. It was something to do while Sideswipe was busy being debriefed and Sunstreaker was trapped in the med bay for a mandatory recharge cycle. She was far behind anyway. With all the chaos going on she hadn't had the time or was otherwise indisposed and had shirked on the 'small favors' she was doing in return for the items she had acquired for Sunstreaker.

Currently she was pulling weeds in the outside recreation area that was supposed to be for officers only. Everyone used it, though. Things around here were much less divided amongst the 'officers' and the 'enlisted'.

Leaning back on her heels she looked up at the glaring sun. Most people would probably say it was a beautiful day, but Aurian craved rain, wind, a few clouds, anything to take the heat off of her back while she worked. When a shadow came over her, she squinted her eyes to make out the cause. "Roddi?"

"Hey! What are you doing?" Roger examined the dirt-smeared woman, her dirty clothing, her work gloves and the large pile of uprooted vegetation near her.

"Weeding."

"Weeding?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

Aurian rocked back until she was sitting with her feet out in front of her. "Because I traded some menial labor for some art supplies."

"Again with this 'art supplies'. What story am I missing?" Roger settled down beside the woman. Considering the large stretch of upturned dirt, he assumed she had been at this for a while.

"Nothing great. Sunstreaker paints and as a peace offering I managed to get him some supplies."

"Peace offering? But I thought you were good with his brother..."

"Sunny's a complicated mech." Aurian laughed a little, "No, I take that back. He's not complicated at all. He's a self-assured, vain, aft who's main concern in life is that nothing mucks up his appearance. Or hurts his brother." She shrugged and looked at the man seated beside her, "I was just trying to extend a hand of neutrality. 'You don't squish me, I'll stay out of your way', kind of thing."

"Seems like a lot to go through when you could just avoid him like the plague and never have to worry about it." Roger leaned back, turning his face toward the sun. This was a place he could get used to real quick.

"Yeah, there's that..." She didn't want to say that she had already tried that with miserable results. "Besides, I owed him a big thank you. He...kinda...saved my life. And Barricade's."

"Okay, now I know I'm missing a story. Who's Barricade? Another Autobot?"

"Hardly!" Aurian laughed hard at the thought; Barricade would probably shoot Roger if he had heard him. "Oh, Gods, Roddi...it's a long story."

"I'd like to hear it." He leaned on her a little, pushing her to the side. "You've got lots'a secrets lady, I wanna hear them."

"Bet you do." She gave him a friendly-suspicious look, a crooked smile on her face. With a sigh she pulled off her work gloves and got to her feet. "It's break time, lets go see what poison they're serving today."

"Lunch and a story?" Roger batted his eyes like an eager child, playfully refusing the hand Aurian extended to him.

"Oh, you're so immature." Aurian grabbed his hand and yanked the man to his feet. "I'll tell you what I can."

"You can tell me anything."

"No I can't." Aurian looked at him with one eyebrow raised. "Some things are top secret."

"I have top clearance!" He crowed triumphantly. "All your secrets are belong to me."

"All of them, huh?"

"All of them."

"Okay, well, then maybe I should start with how inconvenient it is to be female and trapped on an island with large quantities of soldiers, mostly men, and limited amounts of bathrooms."

Roger raised his hands to stop the woman from continuing. "Okay, point taken. Not all of them."

Aurian laughed. She missed this kind of banter. It seemed like a lifetime ago that she had been so carefree, so...comfortable. The feeling came over her like a warm blanket, and she was content to just let it wrap around her. "Come on, lets get some...stuff they call 'food'."

"You always were a picky eater."

"Am not!" Aurian mock-glared at Roger. Roger only lifted his eyebrows, challenging her to prove otherwise. "I just like things that actually _resemble_ something edible."

"Uh-huh."

Rolling her eyes, Aurian lead the way to the mess hall. She knew this game well – they had played it many-a-time when deciding where they would eat lunch on days they shared their lunch break. 'All in the past now,' Aurian told herself mournfully.

"Do you think about before all this happened?" She asked as they entered the building. "I mean...the way things were?"

"Eh, sometimes. Things were different."

"Do you miss it?"

Roger considered the woman walking beside him. He'd noticed that her mood fluctuated quickly and often lately. "I miss some things, but over all? I can't say there's anything I don't have that I'd give much for." He wrapped an arm around Aurian's shoulder. "Hey, don't worry about it, okay?"

"I can't help it Roddi. I miss life the way it was. I miss going out to lunch, I miss late nights and card games. I miss running around town...errands, work...Mom."

"Oh, Auri...I'm sorry, I forgot about you and your family. You're all so close..."

"Were."

"Still are, I'm sure! Distance and time doesn't do anything for the feelings you've got. Have you even gotten to talk to your mom since all this happened?"

"Once." Aurian groaned. "I called her from the base before it was destroyed...Will said the call couldn't be traced, but I didn't even think about it until after I'd already called her, so I rushed off the phone. I can only imagine what she thinks is going on..."

Roger stopped Aurian just outside of the mess hall entrance, turned her toward him and pulled her into a hug. "You should call her again. I bet that Will would let you."

"What would I say?" Aurian couldn't help but to relax into Roger's embrace. He was familiar and _there_. With everything so unsure in her life, everything she had having been so suddenly taken away, she fully reveled in his mere existence. As long as she had him, she still had a connection to the life she had once known. "I've been gone for months with only the one phone call. I don't think 'I'm sorry, Mom, but I can never come home again', is going to cut it."

"Does it really matter what you say?" Roger had met with Aurian's mother many times before. The woman was every bit everything Aurian was only with more years to lend to her experiences. She was a kind, softhearted woman who had more capacity for compassion than was natural. "You should call her, it'd probably do you both good."

It was a while before Aurian moved. Roger was human; he was the soft, warm embrace that she had so often wished for over the past few months. She didn't want to move. She wanted to stay right here, just like this for as long as she could, just holding onto that piece of her world that she had lost contact with – but nothing can last forever.

Pushing away from the man offering her the comfort she desired, Aurian decided that he was probably right. "I'll talk to Will later, see if I can." She smiled. Roger had a way of making things easier sometimes.

The rest of the day went rather well, Aurian told Roger of her 'adventures' while he had been away – omitting most of the parts where she was harmed, and her connection to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker – and in return Roger shared his training tales.

When the sun finally set, Aurian and Roger found themselves leaning on each other looking over the ocean.

"It's really nice here. I can see why you'd like to stay." Roger closed his eyes, enjoying the breeze blowing off of the ocean. The night was warm but not uncomfortably so. He could only imagine every night was like this.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Aurian wasn't sure if she was supposed to feel offended by his statement or not. Was he saying that she didn't want her life back the way it was? Or was he hinting at something else?

"The project. You don't want to join it because you'd have to leave here, right?"

"No!" Aurian had hoped Roger had realized that she honestly had no desire to be on the Allspark project and would leave it at that. "Roddi, I don't _want_ to be here...not like this anyway. I want to go home, to have things the way they were." She stood up and brushed the sand from her pants. "I don't _want_ to be on the Allspark project because I don't _want_ to be near that damned thing."

"Why?"

'Because it's trying to invade my brain...' Aurian's thoughts snapped instantly, but she managed to keep the words from falling from her mouth. "Because I'm not...comfortable around it. It's..."

"Alien?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't that the point?" Roger stood up too. It had never been Aurian's style to back down from something new, unexplored, or challenging. This behavior was something entirely new to him and he didn't understand it. What else had happened to his friend in his absence that had changed her this way? "To figure out what we don't know?"

"Roger...it's just not something I...I just don't want to be near it, that's all."

"That's not like you, Auri; tell me what's really going on." He reached for her arm, intending to keep her from turning and leaving as she appeared to want to do; however, Aurian was a step faster and she moved out of the way before he could reach her. "Auri?"

"Can you just let it go?" She looked pleadingly at the man that had been a close friend for so long. It seemed there was a chasm between them and with each beat of this standoff it grew deeper, wider. "Please?"

He wanted to say 'no'. He wanted to demand answers for Aurian's strange behavior, to know what reason she could possibly have for her insatiable curiosity to be curbed at such a strange moment, but he could see in her eyes that this was something deeper than what he could dig up in just one night. Aurian was honestly afraid of this 'Allspark' and, for some reason he couldn't imagine, she didn't want to explain why. "All right. I'm sorry, I won't bring it up again."

"Thank you." Aurian kicked at the sand, her eyes following the small waves of white grains as they flew the few inches under her foot's persuasion. "I'm...I'm going to go to bed. I'm pretty worn out."

"Right." He had definitely overstepped his bounds. "I'll walk you to your room." It was less an offer of chivalry, and more a test to see just how far he had unknowingly pushed. Not that he wouldn't have made the same offer if the unease currently between them wasn't there.

"I..." She wasn't sure if her room was really where she wanted to go. Aurian was abruptly aware that she had not seen, nor heard from Sideswipe or Sunstreaker all day and it bothered her. She wanted to check up on the twins before laying down for the night. "Okay." After all, she could just ask them over their bond once she was alone.

They walked in silence most of the way; only when the building Aurian's room was housed in came into view did Roger attempt to strike up conversation once more. "Auri, I'm really sorry."

"I know. It's really not your fault, Roddi."

"I just have to know one thing," he pushed his shoulder against the woman beside him, playfully nudging her until they were walking practically arm in arm, "are you really okay?"

"What are you talking about?" Aurian's heart picked up a few beats. She didn't know why it made her so nervous thinking about telling Roger that there was some 'anomaly' in her chest, or that no one knew what it was or what it was doing to her. As far as anyone could tell, it was just there and not doing anything at all. Not that scary, right? 'Yeah...and Ironhide's cannons are water pistols.'

"That doctor, Ratchet, the robot..."

"Don't call them that, Roddi. They're sentient, living beings."

"That happen to be _robots_."

"Roddi..." Aurian warned. It made her uncomfortable to hear her friends called 'robots'. Even if they really were, that didn't matter. When humans said 'robot' they tended to refer to something that was built, programmed, and was void of true emotions or thought patterns. It was just so cold. To her it was very similar to the way the Decepticons often referred to humans as 'flesh-bags' or something equally unsavory.

"Right, sorry. Anyway, he seemed really interested in you before. Is that stuff that was poisoning you causing problems?" He couldn't help but to look at the strange spiderweb scars running up her arms. If he hadn't seen them glowing before, if he hadn't known that they were caused by a dangerous chemical coursing through her system threatening to kill her, he might have found them rather neat.

"No. That's all gone now. I'm fine, Roddi, there's nothing to worry about, I promise." They entered the building and Aurian felt a small wave of relief – she was almost to her room. Why did she want to be away from Roger all of a sudden? She enjoyed his company usually...had enjoyed his company all day. "Where are you staying?"

"Officer's quarters, down the hall over there." He pointed in a direction Aurian recognized as where Will and Rob stayed when they were on base.

"Officer?"

"Yeah, got me a pretty secure spot. Remember? Head of the class."

"Head of something...Roger, you're not leading the project, are you?"

Roger shrugged, managing to look humble and smug at the same moment. "Not yet."

"Not yet? As in, 'it hasn't started, so I can't lead it', or as in 'I have every intention of beating down everyone above me until I'm head of the project'?" Aurian knew Roger was ambitious, but all this really unnerved her. Was the Allspark manipulating him too? Could it be? He hadn't had any contact with it as far as she was aware, and her logic told her that's how it was going about it's dirty little business...

"Neither." Roger sensed Aurian's discomfort and, given her reaction not too long ago when he asked her yet again to join the project, he was pretty sure he understood why. "I'm really trying for the other project. If it goes then I'll lead it. If not then I'll be head of research on the Allspark project."

"I thought you were going to leave the other one alone?"

"I can't, Auri. It's just too good! I can't say I understand why you're not interested..."

Aurian turned away. If she stayed she was going to yell, and scream, and possibly throw things. Roger just didn't understand the danger involved with Megatron and she was beginning to figure out that nothing she could say, or do, was going to change that. "Good-night Roddi."

Roger gently grabbed her arm, preventing her from disappearing into her room. "Auri, don't go away mad!"

"I'm not mad..." In truth, she wasn't mad. Not at him. He didn't understand and she couldn't fault him for that. "I'm scared, Roddi. You just don't get it, and I don't know how to make you understand. Megatron is bad. Bad as in...end of the world bad..." She looked over her shoulder at Roger, his expression clearly showing that he thought she was overreacting. There was only one way she could think of to stop him from doing anything that might end with Megatron coming back to ravage the Earth once more. "I'm going to take the liaison job. I'm not going to approve any action on the corpses of the Cybertronians."

Roger released Aurian's arm, an incredulous look on his face. "Auri..."

"Go lead the Allspark project. At least there I'll know you're safe." She didn't give him the opportunity to say anything further, rushing through the door to her room and shutting it behind her.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; of friends and memories_

_ Roger. Geez, it hadn't been that long since we parted ways so that he could go 'train' and I could...whatever I did. Yet, at the same time, it really felt like a lifetime had passed. It seemed as though our goals had completely shifted away from each others' and our friendship had faded back to that comfortable acquaintance that it had once been._

_ Sad, really._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**Please excuse my lack of any notes...or really anything. The short story is: I have no internet currently...**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere


	59. Journal Entry 59

_Journal entry; something's amiss..._

_ Yeah...amiss..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*5*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She could hear the sounds echoing off of her bedroom walls - metallic, scraping, clicking noises that made the hairs on her neck stand on end. Her body froze with the uncontrollable, sleep-induced logic that if she didn't move, whatever it was couldn't 'get' her. 'It's just a dream. Just a nightmare, like before.'

Her covers seemed to dip and shift with some unseen weight. Well, unseen because she refused to look.

"Sleeping, human?" The voice whispered softly, amused. "Or, are ve just so afraid ve cannot move?"

'No, no, no...it can't be...' Every nerve in her body wanted her to scream as loud as she could, to throw off her blankets and run from her room to find the first person with a gun, but she felt paralyzed by her own fear, by her denial that this could be real. 'It's just a dream, a flashback...it's not real, it's not real!'

"Call your Autobot friends, yes? I vould like to see zhis 'bond' vork." The weight had reached her waist and Aurian was growing less and less confident in her thoughts of this being nothing more than her overactive imagination. "Or no. Zhere are ozher zhings to do..."

A sharp pain filled her abdomen, sending fiery waves coursing through her chest. She wanted to shout with shock from the suddenness of the sensation, she wanted to pull away from it; however, no matter how she tried, she couldn't move. Now the panic-based desires grew to screaming demands; she really _wasn't _able to move. Her heart began pounding painfully against her ribs; she found it hard to breath through the panic and her lungs ached with lack of oxygen. 'Why can't I move?'

Nausea washed over her as she felt her insides shift around. Her mind filled with images of the last time she had been at Scalpel's mercy, of the pain that had wracked her body and her desire for death to take her away. Tears formed in her eyes as she forced them open to confront her fear. Scalpel couldn't really be there, could he?

"Changed...how iz zhis possible?" The small robot stood pondering over her lower chest, looking as though he had found a puzzle that made little sense.

Aurian's insides clenched at the sight of him. 'NO! Go away!' She screamed in her mind, begging for the image of the vile 'Doctor' to vanish into nothing more than memory, but he didn't. Instead he looked up at her alarmed face.

"Vhat have ve done, human? Zhis does not match vith our data..." Scalpel crawled closer to her head, leaning down as if searching for something, some clue to his question that was not forthcoming.

'Aurian? Are you awake?' Sideswipe's concerned voice drifted through her brain, soothing and alarming all at once. If she could hear Sideswipe, than she really was awake...wasn't she?

'Help me!' She pleaded with him, instantly she felt his alarm raise immensely. 'Scalpel...'

'It's just a dream, relax.' He sent her soothing sensations, reassurances that there was no way for the little mech to be there, that it was all in her head.

'NO! It's not! He's here...he's here!' Having reached her head the field medic glared down into her eyes, as if he could read her thoughts through them. 'Please, help!'

"Are you calling now? Are zhey coming?" He continued to shift, examining her from every angle he could, looking for something Aurian couldn't even fathom. "Perhaps, perhaps no?" He made a clicking noise, Aurian was unsure of what it meant, only that it gave her the distinct feeling that he was thinking things she wouldn't like.

'Please!' She cried out over her bonds, begging either of the mechs on the other side to come and, at the very least, scare away the small mech perched on top of her.

Sideswipe continued to send comfort to her, but it was beginning to verge on the side of anxiety. He may have thought Aurian was dreaming, but he could tell from her desperate pleas that she didn't think she was. 'I'm coming.'

Aurian felt relief, but only for a moment as she realized there was no way for the larger mech to get into the human barracks. 'I can't move! Get Will, or Rob!' She still struggled to draw air into her lungs and with each moment that passed it seemed to become more and more difficult. The world began spinning and she panicked even more knowing that she would soon pass out. Blackness was already creeping into the edge of her vision.

-BANG!-

Aurian sat bolt upright in her bed, sweat clinging to her skin, her heart beating rapidly, and her chest heaving.

Looking around the room she found nothing out of place. There was no Scalpel, and upon panicked inspection of her stomach, she found no marks either.

'Are you awake now, femme?' Sunstreaker's annoyed voice growled through their bond.

"A..awake?" She could hear voices raised in alarm shouting just beyond her door.

'You were dreaming.' Sideswipe's much gentler voice answered. 'Sunstreaker thought he would...startle you, to wake you up.'

She could not stop the relief that filled her at his words. 'It was just a dream, nothing more.' Still the voices were shouting beyond her door, and now she could hear thundering footsteps as people ran past. "What did he do?"

'Kicked the wall.' Sideswipe was amused, despite the situation, and it was very obvious.

"The...oh, the building wall?"

'It worked.' Sunstreaker stated as though it had been the most efficient solution.

"You woke up _everyone_." She couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled through her. The mixture of the twin's amusement along with her own manic relief that she had apparently been just dreaming overcame any semblance of scorn she may have had for the golden twin's action.

'You wouldn't answer us,' Sideswipe explained, 'It seemed like the best option at the time.'

'Are you done with your 'personal issues' now? I'd like to get a few more breems of recharge before morning.'

"Yeah...I'm fine...I'm sorry I woke you up, guys." She sighed heavily, deciding that it was probably part of her new job description to mediate between the now awake and riled humans and the Cybertronians that had disturbed them. 'I haven't taken the job yet...' she reminded herself.

A light knocking on her door told her that someone had thought to check on her. "Somehow," Will's voice drifted, somewhat irritated, through her door, "I get the feeling that you're involved in this."

"Um...yeah...I guess it is kinda my fault." Aurian scrambled out of her covers and rushed to the door. Pulling it open she tried to smile at Will while blocking the harsh hall light from her eyes, "I...had a bad dream." She felt like such a child admitting the circumstances that had brought around this disturbance to him, but she also felt he deserved to know. "Sunstreaker was just trying to help me. I'm really sorry, this is all my fault."

Will's expression went from one of disdain to one of understanding and concern. "Nightmares again?" Aurian nodded. "You okay?" Again she nodded. With a sigh he scrubbed at his face and turned to the rushing people around him. "False alarm guys! Everyone back to your bunk!" There were a few shouts of protest, but one look at Will and all who would argue knew that it would get them nothing but unsavory duties in the morning.

"Next time," Will offered as he turned toward his own room, "can you suggest he try...oh, say, a phone call?"

"Sorry." Aurian felt a little ashamed of herself, falling into nightmares again and dragging everyone else from their beds. She shut her door and leaned against it; she didn't really want to go back to sleep now. What if she dreamed again? "Hey, Sunstreaker?" She sought out the moodier twin's bond.

'What?' He snapped back, though the terseness seemed more of having been disturbed from his rest rather than from the fact that she was reaching out to him.

"Thank you." She didn't expect a response, she only wanted to let Sunstreaker know that, for whatever trouble he may have caused, she appreciated that he cared enough to do anything at all.

'Any time.'

Aurian was surprised. Not only did he accept her thanks, but it seemed he didn't mind that he had actually helped her. That, and he was apparently still amused by everyone's reaction. She was sure that helped too.

Reluctantly heading back to her bed, Aurian recited to herself again and again that her experience with Scalpel was nothing more than a dream and that was how it would remain. That is, until she looked at her covers and saw the dark stains on them.

She rushed back to the wall and flipped on the lights, hoping that the dark spots were nothing but a trick of the night. It seemed she was not so lucky.

'Blood?' Tentatively she touched the large smear on the covers she had just been laying beneath, it was still wet, still warm.

With her stomach churning and her heart in her throat she tore at her dark colored sleep shirt, searching for the source of the blood now staining her bed. She couldn't see anything, but as she ran her hand over her skin she felt a slight inconsistency just under her sternum, and it was incredibly sore. "It was a dream," she told herself with choked words.

Wanting to deny the evidence before her she yanked the blankets from her bed and threw them into a corner, only to find more blood had soaked through beneath her into the sheets and mattress. Her heart fluttered dangerously and her vision blurred. She could feel the faint coming and knew she had to get away from this room.

Not bothering to change her clothes she threw open her door and ran down the hall, unsure of where she was going, only that she was going to get away from what seemed impossible to believe yet somehow true. "It was just a dream!" She repeated as she ran.

She kept running until she was outside the sleeping barracks and running across the open expanse of the base toward the ocean. The night was chill, but it felt good against her suddenly fevered skin. "Just a dream!"

Only stopping when she reached a fence blocking her from the beach just beyond, Aurian wrapped her arms around her stomach. She wanted to throw-up, she wanted to scream and cry, she wanted to just keep running, but she could do none of it. It wasn't a dream, Scalpel had somehow snuck onto the base and had been in her room. No one had known. No one had believed her. Would they believe her now? Who should she tell?

"Honey? What's the matter?" Suddenly there were warm, familiar arms wrapped around her shoulders, halting her pacing and pulling her into a firm hug. "Why are you so upset?"

"You know why!" Aurian pulled against the arms, wanting to be away from the false-mother that now held her. "Did you do this? Did you let him in? Let him...let him...what did he _do_ to me?"

"A dream, dear, nothing more." The look-alike smiled softly at Aurian, just like her mother always had whenever she had a bad dream when she was little. "Dreams are scary sometimes, but they can't hurt you."

"There was _blood_!" Aurian backed away from the doppelganger, glaring at her. "How can you say it was just a dream?" Doubt began to fill her. Why would this...thing...deny that there had been harm done to her if it was directly connected to her? Wouldn't it be harmed too?

"Sweet-heart..." the woman opened her arms again, offering comfort that Aurian so badly wanted, but she could not believe that this fake double of her mother could truly offer it. "We don't want you to be hurt. We will always keep you safe."

"Safe?" Aurian's voice quivered, on the verge of a hysterical breakdown. "He cut into me!" She pulled up her shirt again as if to show the wound that was no longer visible.

The mother-look-alike looked at the spot, studied it as if she were truly looking for an injury and then stepped forward, placing her hand over the tender spot. "There is no wound, honey. You're fine." As the warmth from the doppelgangers hand seeped through her skin, the pain faded away. "We will always keep you safe."

Her mind begged to disbelieve the woman's words, wanted to hold onto the imagery of her blood soaked bed, but her heart was all-too-willing to listen and believe. "How..."

"You were dreaming. You were scared and it was dark. Sometimes the night can play tricks on your eyes."

"I touched it!"

"Did you?" The woman gently brought Aurian's hands up where they could both see them. She turned them palm up, then palm down. "I don't see any blood, do you?"

"N-no." Her mind faltered in its steadfast belief that what had happened wasn't a dream. 'There's no way Scalpel could get onto the base unnoticed.' "It felt so real."

"Just like before, wasn't it? Like when you first had these dreams? When you would lash out at Ratchet for trying to help you because you couldn't tell the difference between him and your dreams?"

"Yeah." Guilt flooded her – it was just like that.

"You should go back to sleep, dear. You look horrible." The false-mother brushed at the hair hanging in Aurian's face, tucking it behind her ear, just like her mother always did.

"I don't want to go back there."

The woman hummed softly, pulling Aurian back into a hug. "That's okay. You can sleep somewhere else. Why don't you go sleep with your guardians? They can keep the nightmares away, can't they?" With a soft kiss on her head, the woman was gone again, just as swiftly as she had appeared.

She really did want to go be closer to Sideswipe, she always felt safer near him, but was it fair for her to wake him up again?

"You should be resting."

Aurian spun around to see Sideswipe approaching her. How long had he been there? Had he seen the not-mother? Had he heard their conversation? "I can't sleep. Why are you still up?"

"I have patrol in a little while, it really wasn't worth starting a recharge cycle just to have it interrupted." The silver mech knelt down beside Aurian, a concerned look on his face.

"I'm sorry. I thought I was over these dreams..." She refused to look at him, focusing on the ground instead.

"You were never over them. I doubt you ever will be." Carefully scooping the woman into his hand Sideswipe stood up again. "I can't say I blame you either. What they did to you..."

"I don't want to think about it, please...I'm...really tired." It was true, she felt as though she hadn't slept at all and she really wanted nothing more than to just let the exhaustion take her. "Can I stay with you for a while? I know you've got things to do..."

"It's okay. You just sleep, I'll work it out with the others." He held her close to his chest where she could feel the thrum of his spark and his heat could keep her warm.

"It's not fair."

"You really worry too much. It's not like patrol around here is real intense or anything."

With that their conversation ended, but Sideswipe continued to make small, soothing sounds for her. Aurian wasn't sure if he was making them vocally, or if she was hearing them over their bond, or even if it was simply his systems humming in a pleasing way, but whatever it was, it lulled her into a sleep she could not deny.

Sideswipe looked at the woman with worry. She said it was a dream, and it even seemed she believed it now, but before...it was different than before. Before he could feel the fear, the terror and desperation but he could also feel her mind working against it, telling her it was a dream...this time she didn't have that. Her mind believed it was as real as her subconscious had, as her body had. It was unsettling. However, that was a concern for another time. Right now he had to figure out how he was going to do his patrol while watching over her.

'I'll do it.' Sunstreaker's voice instantly broke his thoughts. His brother wasn't far away, leaning against one of the taller buildings. 'You just keep her quiet for a few joors.'

Sideswipe smiled for his brother. Sunstreaker may seem selfish, crass and critically lacking in tact, but he really did have a soft spark. 'Thanks Sunny.'

Sunstreaker didn't answer back, merely patted his brother on the shoulder as he passed to go alert the others to the change in patrol. It was all that was needed between the two.

Aurian sat comfortably on the steps to her apartment looking over the familiar parking lot. She wasn't sure what she was doing here this time but she felt pretty comfortable, like she was in her own personal happy place.

As she watched over the vehicles beyond her, she felt a sense of adoration, of protectiveness. These were all her family, her friends, her children. 'What a weird way to think of it.' Though she suspected that had something to do with the 'impression' that was now living in her head. She did notice; however, that three of the vehicles were shifting positions. They weren't 'moving' really, more like they were simply existing somewhere else without changing anything. It was a hard concept for her brain to wrap around, yet at the same time she was very accepting of it. Those three were relocating. They were moving closer to...Optimus.

"What's that mean?" She wondered aloud. A nudge on her hand drew her attention to something that had not been next to her only a moment before; Ruby. "Okay." Strange was becoming normal and this was just another. Ruby had come to her because she had a question.

Opening the small laptop she wasn't sure what to look for, or how to look for it, but it seemed as though the machine its self knew how to get to the point.

A window containing a few images she recognized from the Transformers movie she had loved so much popped up. It was the scene where Optimus, Ratchet, Ironhide, and Jazz had made entry into the Earth's atmosphere...only, there were just three of the 'comets'...and they were smaller.

"More are coming?" Aurian squinted at the screen, searching for the fourth blazing ball of fire, but it simply was not there.

Then one new messaging window popped up, the symbols on it unrecognizable until there was a response to it. It wasn't a 'language' she understood, but she did catch that it was a program install code.

'New syntax received. Reporting imminent arrival. Requesting coordinates.' Aurian watched as the symbols identifying the 'speaker' of the message box blinked out and were replaced by an alphabet she knew very well. Excitement filled her as she read the name for the first time; Arcee-x-Chromia-x-Flareup. "Why are they all three using the same box?"

_Journal entry _continued_; arrival_

_ I woke up excited that Arcee, Chromia and Flareup were coming. I mean, Ironhide would have to be thrilled, right? And I would get to meet the femmes! It was awesome that I had gotten to meet, and become friends with all these mechs, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say that my girly nature didn't want to be on friendly terms with alien women._

_ Now...take that I had the news before the others had actually been alerted into consideration, but I was rather surprised when Ironhide didn't seem all that thrilled. I mean, he was happy to know that the femmes were still alive, and he was quick to volunteer for the recovery team...but he just didn't seem...excited? Relieved? Eager? I don't even know what I would have expected, but he just _wasn't_! What was wrong with him?_

_ Something about this just isn't the way it should be...is it?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

_

* * *

_

**Here is the deal. Rolled my car. I lived. Shouldn't have. Things are crazy, but I'm alive and that's all I care about. I will come back later to insert my notes.**

**Thank you readers, reviewers, my friends, my inspirations and my fantastic Beta readers!  
**


	60. Journal Entry 60

_**Okay, because of my rather...abrupt AN last time, I thought I would embellish a little bit here before I let you dig into the next chapter (for those that want to take the time to read this anyway. ^_~ If not, go on and enjoy!)**_

_**First - thank you everyone who expressed their concerns for my health, and I do appologize for my lack of information previously.**_

_**Also thank you to all my friends and family for being there for me. It means everything to me.  
**_

_**Last week I rolled my car while out for a late night drive (yes, I do that often, no there's no good reason for it). A skunk (stupid skunks) bolted out in front of my car and, me being the 'I hate to squish small furry things' type of person that I am, swerved to avoid it, lost control of the car and ended up hitting a ditch and catching some air. My car rolled three times through a farmers wheat field (so sorry bout that!). Amazingly I survived this event which, if you have seen pictures (or could) of my car, you'd understand why. There really is no way I should have lived, let alone walked away like I did. I only suffered some bruising, seat belt burn, and a black eye. Thankfully there was no one else in the car with me. Other things that some how survived this amazing feat of gravity defiance: My laptop, my glasses (they were even found UNDER the car!) and my purse came away perfectly intact. However, my Sideswipe dashboard figurine and my car (obviously) did not. I miss my car. She was a good car. Rest well LadyFair.**_

_**On a side note...I think it was Sideswipe that gave me the goram black eye...jerk.**_

_**Okay, now that that's out there! On to the fic!  
**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; trying to the make connections_

_ When you're confused, you seek answers. Sometimes you find the answers to the questions you were seeking answers for, sometimes you find answers to things you didn't realize you wanted to ask._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian was wandering about the base. She thought it was strange how lethargic she was feeling but brushed it off as the rude awakening in the middle of the night and possibly her trip to the 'parking lot'. 'I really need to come up with a better name for that...'

Her feet seemed to know where they wanted to go, allowing her mind to wander over the odd dream she'd had the night before. There was no question in her mind why she had dreamed of Scalpel again; she had nearly found herself captive by the Decepticons once more, and that would have landed her right back in his 'care'. She shuddered at the mere thought of it, phantom pain shooting through her lower chest.

"Ma'am, you're not allowed in this area." A young male voice interrupted Aurian's thoughts.

"What?" She looked around, realizing she hadn't known where she was going. Somehow she had ended up in a part of the base she had not visited. "Where am I?"

The young soldier gave her a rather concerned, doubtful look. "This is the prison block. No one is allowed through without clearance."

"Oh! Hey, I didn't even realize where I was. Weird. I've never come down here." She looked around, noting the dull gray walls and florescent lights. 'Yep, looks like a prison...hey, isn't Barricade here?'

"What are you looking for? Maybe I can direct you?" The soldier tapped a small button on something he wore on his belt as he approached her, his look of concern gaining hints of distrust.

"I wasn't really looking for anything, but I guess since I'm here...I'd like to visit 'Cade."

The man froze mid-step. "I'm sorry, I think I misunderstood you. Who are you looking for?"

"Barricade. The Decepticon that's currently in the brig. I'd like to visit him." Aurian tried to place the face of the young man currently standing before her prepared to tackle her should she breath wrong. She didn't recall seeing him around the base, so likely he didn't know who she was. Not that it mattered, she was sure that her name was probably plastered all over a paper just inside the door to the prison block declaring that she was not allowed in. "I know Ratchet didn't want me to see him after everything that happened, but I just want to see that he's alright. I swear, just a quick 'hi' and I'm gone. Please?"

"I can't allow that. No one but the Autobots and the major are allowed in that area."

"Oh." Aurian almost pouted. Why were they keeping him under such tight conditions? "Well, can you at least tell him Aurian came by? I mean, not that he'd really _want_ to see me, but I'd like him to know I came anyway."

"Aurian?"

"Yeah."

"As in Aurian Towns?" The man gave her a skeptical look, his eyes lingering a bit longer on the strange marks on her arms.

"Yeah, that's me. What? Do you have detaining orders for me or something? I don't think I've done anything recently that they'd be after me for."

"No!" The man laughed a little nervously, "Actually nothing like that at all. I-if you really want to go see the prisoner...I can't stop you."

Aurian was stunned. "Huh?"

"I would recommend taking a guard with you, but I can't stop you from going. Your position allows you contact with any and all Cybertronians at any time." He raised a hand in a stopping motion and Aurian turned to see that four more soldiers had come up behind her. "You're cleared to proceed, Ms. Towns."

The other soldiers, three of whom she didn't recognize and one being one of the men that had so kindly escorted her from her room for her forced leave of absence, simply looked at her, waiting.

"I, um...I guess I want to go see him." She turned back to the first soldier, thoroughly confused but she wasn't going to skip this opportunity. "Where do I go?"

"We'll come with you." The soldier she recognized offered rather sternly. Glancing at his name plate she noted that the man's name was 'Evans'.

"You don't have to. I mean, he won't do anything. It's not like he'd hurt me or anything."

All the soldiers gave her a very doubtful look, making her wonder what the mech had done in her absence.

"It would be our honor to escort you, Ma'am." Another soldier, Harper, replied.

Evans walked past her to the door leading into the prison block and swiped his hand over a sensor, releasing the locking mechanisms. "Right this way." He held open the door for her and the other soldiers who chose to follow.

They walked through a long corridor that had typical office-looking things, aside from the barred walls that blocked them from the main path, then through another set of doors into a hall that held several small cells. A few were occupied, but the people within remained quiet. 'Probably soldiers waiting reprimand for unprofessional behaviors.' She coached herself not to be nervous. If it had been dangerous, they wouldn't have allowed her in...'They didn't want me to come here.' "What-" Aurian's voice cracked as she tried to speak past the growing lump of fear in her throat, "What is my 'position' that it lets me come in here?"

None of the four men escorting her answered. One glanced at her, but said nothing.

"Uh...okay. Well, then...why are you all letting me come in here if I don't even know what I'm apparently allowed to do?" She looked around at the few prisoners, wondering just how many cells they thought they needed on an island base. 'Guess they're ready to take war prisoners.'

Still she got no answer.

They passed through a small, but heavy door. Aurian couldn't stop the thought of a bank vault on steroids as they pulled the heavy structure closed behind them. Of course, quickly followed the thought of being locked _in_ a bank vault and her heart rate picked up a bit. "Why are you closing it if we're in here?"

"It's just protocol. Don't worry, we can leave any time you are ready." Evans reassured her, though the look on his face clearly stated he did not want to be here.

Aurian surveyed each man standing spaced out around her and found that they all wore similar expressions of tense discomfort. None of them wanted to be here. Her eyes moved with some anxiety from the men to the, notably _much_ larger cells they were now surrounded by. "W-who's all in here?" She questioned softly.

"Just the one Decepticon." Harper intoned stoically. Aurian got the distinct feeling that he was trying to keep himself under control.

"Where?" One of the other soldiers pointed to a cell about half way down the row, and as she proceeded the four crept closer to her. "'Cade?" She searched the cell for signs of the mech she had come to see. When a familiar form inside turned to look at her, she felt her stomach fall. All the time that had passed since he had risked his life to save hers was not enough for the guilt of what happened to him to have faded. "Gods...'Cade..."

"What do you want, femme?" Despite his harsh tone and stiff frame, Aurian could sense relief from the mech.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, I...well, you..." she could feel tears welling up as she tried to gather her thoughts into any form of a coherent sentence.

"Are you going to start leaking again?" He stepped forward, causing the men guarding Aurian to close in tighter to her. Almost uncomfortably so. Barricade simply observed, a smile creeping on his face. "What is your purpose, femme? I have better things to do then to listen to you stumble over your own words."

"Watch your mouth!" Harper stepped forward, his hand resting lightly on his sidearm. Aurian briefly wondered if that weapon was loaded with anything that would even bother the mech, let alone threaten him. "You won't talk to her that way."

"What way?" Barricade leaned down to glare at the man. "Like she is an annoying little insect? Or like I could destroy her and all of you before you could pull that useless weapon from its casing?"

Instinctively Aurian grabbed the soldiers weapon hand before he was tempted to test Barricade's challenge. "'Cade!" She pulled Harper back from the cell and gave him a pleading look. "Guys, really...I appreciate your coming down here with me...but can you go away for a little while?"

"No." Evans stated simply.

"Why?"

"We won't leave you alone with _him_." Harper added, his voice dripping of his distaste for the mech before them.

"Oh, please." Barricade stood back to his full height. "As if I would do anything while I'm locked in here anyway."

"Or at all." Aurian added spitefully. She knew that Barricade wouldn't hurt her, but that didn't mean the soldiers felt the same way. "Okay...so, if I'm allowed to have interaction with all Cybertronians, then that means I'm entitled to _some_ privacy, doesn't it?"

All the soldiers looked at each other, a silent conversation transpiring before Evans sighed. "Yes."

"Then give me a minute." She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for the men to comply.

With obvious – and great – reluctance, the four men stepped away, Evans being the last. "You call us if you need us."

"Sure." Aurian spoke softly, knowing she would not need them but appreciating the offer nonetheless. These were good people, with good intentions. When she felt they were sufficiently far enough away she turned back to face Barricade, slightly surprised to find that he had knelt down again, closer to the bars of his cell than he had been when he had threatened Harper. "'Cade, I'm sorry."

"For?" His voice was quiet, though still held his usual disinterested tone.

"Everything. This," she raised her arms to indicate the prison containing him, "For everything you went through because of me. For...hurting you."

Barricade studied the woman carefully. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for, but somehow he just knew he wasn't going to find it. She had acted as her human mind had told her would have been the 'right thing to do', and had not meant him any harm. What did it matter that her actions nearly cost him his life in that single moment of ill-decision. "Accepted." Was all he said. Honestly, he was surprised with himself. When had he ever openly accepted any apology? In the ranks of the Decepticons, apologies simply were not offered...or if they were they were not meant for whatever it was being offered for, but simply for being caught at doing whatever they had done. "Is that all you came for? To put your mind at ease?"

"No." Aurian's guilt did not ease any with Barricade's acceptance. She hadn't expected him to actually say anything to her apology. "I came to see you. To see that you were okay."

"Didn't your medic tell you that?"

"Yeah, but its different when I can _see_ with my own eyes."

"You humans have odd notions."

"So I've been told." Aurian walked right up to the bars, she could feel the energy in them that kept 'bots in and completely blocking her from him. 'Shouldn't that be the other way around?' She thought humorlessly to herself. "I also came to talk to you about your situation."

"My situation?"

"Well, you obviously can't go back to the Decepticons...and...after what you did...for me, the Autobots are open to..."

"No." Barricade stood and walked away from the human before she could finish what she was purposing.

"You don't really have many other options, 'Cade."

"I will not be an Autobot."

"Then be a neutral! I talked to Optimus, he will grant you amnesty if you simply renounce the Decepticons! You don't have to be an Autobot..."

"And if I were to claim neutrality, what would they expect of me?" He turned back toward the woman, accusation sharp in his voice. "I would not be allowed to leave their 'protection' I'm sure. And they would want information on the Decepticons."

"But if you don't you'll just sit here and rot! I...they won't let you go out to face the Decepticons alone. It's pretty clear that they'll..." Aurian paused as the next words – 'tear you apart' – caught in her throat, their meaning being very literal and bringing back images of what they had already done to him. "You can't go back." She amended softly.

"You honestly believe I will be treated any better here? I am a Decepticon, whether you like it or not. Even if that oh-so-noble leader of theirs is willing to let me _live_, I seriously doubt he would let me be free. No, thank you. I'll stay right here where at least we all understand the grounds we stand on." Barricade went to the small, moderately comfortable berth provided to him and sat where he could ignore the human's presence. It bothered him to know that she had come to see him here, though he couldn't think of why. He couldn't lie to himself, he was pleased to see her still alive. "Go back to your Autobots and leave me alone." He glanced at the woman; her disappointment almost made him regret his words...almost. "Parasite."

Aurian half-smiled at the insult. It seemed to have become an endearment when Barricade said it. "Jerk." She turned away. There was no point in staying here pleading with him. It was clear Barricade felt he had no choice and so chose to stand firm in his complicated web. He had become comfortable with his strange place among the Decepticons; one of them, but not like them, so she was going to have to find another way. "I won't quit!" She advised as she stormed away, the soldiers eagerly following.

"I'll keep that on file..." Aurian couldn't exactly say why, but somehow she got the notion that he meant that in more than one way.

There was only one mech that could help her figure out this whole debacle: Optimus. 'I hope he's not busy...'

The guards quickly fell away as Aurian continued rather pointedly about her new mission. If Barricade was worried about his freedom, she would secure it. If he was worried about how the others would treat him, she would ensure that he would have nothing to fear of them. She would make it so that he could not use anything but his own desires to make this decision for him...as it should be...as it should have been.

~Who are you to make that choice for him?~

"I'm not making any choice, I'm giving him the opportunity to make his own...and why are you talking to me again?" Aurian astutely ignored the strange looks she received as she continued through the hallways, determination forcing her focus.

~Because you confuse us.~

She paused before the large doors that admitted entrance to Optimus's office. Taking a deep breath she tried to still her nerves. Even after all this time, after all the talks she had with the large mech, his mere presence still made her nervous. "How do _I_ confuse _you_?" Despite her 'mission' she welcomed the momentary excuse to not proceed.

~You seem to think that the circumstances should not make the decisions for others, yet it is the circumstances that cause them to need to make decisions.~

"Lives should not be forced by things that could be changed."

~Even yours?~

Aurian opened her mouth to argue, what was that supposed to mean anyway? "I do what I have to do."

~You believe they do not?~

Anger rose within her, this impression was frustrating. "Of course, but that has nothing to do with _this_!"

"Aurian?" The deep rumbling voice shook every bit of frustration from her body and lefter her instead, momentarily dumbfounded and lost. "Are you alright?"

"Optimus! Yeah, I'm fine...I was...I wanted to talk to you...if you have time. It's not that important, I can come back later..."

"Now is just fine. Please, tell me what is on your mind." The large mech pushed open the 'bot sized doors to his office and waited for the small woman to enter. "How may I be of assistance to you?" He followed her in and offered her a hand up to her customary spot on his desk.

Aurian tried desperately to gather her thoughts. Arguing with the impression in her mind had left her a bit unprepared. "I went to see 'Cade."

Optimus said nothing, simply made himself comfortable in his seat.

"He won't renounce his allegiance to the Decepticons..."

"I suspected as much." It didn't take one trained in the minute gestures of the body to see the disappointment and frustration in the woman who stood before him, but there was also determination and a preparedness that he could hardly say he saw on a regular basis. "He has been a loyal soldier under Megatron for a very long time – that is not something that can easily be set aside."

"That's not the reason he won't do it," she snapped angrily, "he thinks that it won't matter if he's a Decepticon or a neutral, he'll still be a prisoner. He doesn't think that you, or the others, will allow him freedom."

"By what means would we keep him prisoner?"

"Trust. Or, I should say the lack of it. He knows that you and the others, especially the others, wouldn't trust him. I mean, not that I'd blame you, but he says that it would make him just as much a prisoner as he is now." She looked pleadingly at the large mech, "But you can't just let him go either! If the Decepticons got a hold of him, they would kill him...in horrible ways!"

"Of that I have no doubts. However, what he speaks is true. Unless he can prove himself, it is doubtful that any of the Autobots on this base, or those to follow, will treat him fairly. That is just the way of things in war. I cannot change their feelings toward him, only order that they not harm him."

Aurian's hopes of some perfect answer fell, and her determination wavered along with it. "So...he's just going to stay there?"

"There is nothing more I can do."

~Things are the way they are for a reason.~

"And what reason is that, you stupid piece of scrap?" Aurian snapped before she could stop herself.

Optimus did not say anything, or react visibly at all, though his frame grew stiff at the woman's outburst. It wasn't that he didn't believe her when she had explained that she thought the Allspark shard was communicating to her somehow, it was more that he was disturbed that it could be doing so right now while he watched.

~To reach necessary ends.~

What was she to do now? Hold a conversation with some impression in her mind that she could only suspect where it originated from in front of Optimus? Or go somewhere where she could yell and scream in private and look entirely insane? No, there were other things she could do. "So...how long until the femmes arrive?"

The tremors that ran through the woman were clear indications that whatever had just transpired before him was unresolved. She was upset, but trying to change the subject. "The last communication indicated that they would be arriving early tomorrow morning."

"Can I go?" She felt like a child asking to tag along with her father to work.

"I cannot allow a civilian to accompany us on such a mission; there is no guarantee that there will not be Decepticons as well."

"Oh." Aurian felt further disappointment, but she wouldn't argue. Not this time. He was right after all, when the twins and Jolt had arrived, Decepticons had been hot on their heels and she had gotten hurt in the midst. 'But they had known the Decepticons were coming that time. Wouldn't he know now too?'

"I will see what I can do about Barricade. There is no need for you to worry so much." He doubted that his words meant much to the woman, it seemed that worrying was programmed into her and there was nothing he could do to relieve that.

Aurian just smiled. If Optimus was going to work on this complicated situation, there was nothing more she could do.

_Journal entry_ continued_; the answer_

_ Optimus said he couldn't take a _civilian_ along..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere


	61. Journal Entry 61

_Journal entry; some days you learn something new_

_ And other days, you learn that everything isn't as it appears to be._

_ Needless to say I got myself on the recovery team by declaring that I was taking the liaison job and as such it was now my duty to be present when someone new arrived...truthfully it was a bunch of B.S. I made up just so I could go, but it worked so I'm not going to say anything._

_ What did surprise me a lot was that Ratchet, of all mechs, seemed the most pleased with me taking the position. Ironhide seemed to see through my little guise and told me that I'd have to take it 'seriously'. Both Sunstreaker and Sideswipe were stunned, apparently they had not been part of the 'discussion', but that didn't surprise me. It somehow seemed the kind of thing the 'elders' of the 'bots would take upon themselves._

_ Anyway! Moving onto the arrival, it was rather spectacular..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian stood in awe watching the sky as it burst into flame. Three streaks of fire burned toward them, shifting the early evening sky into a breathtaking array of intense reds and purples.

"Are you sure we're out of the way?" She asked for probably the tenth time, though she wasn't really afraid, her mind kept telling her that they should probably move.

"They are due to make landfall approximately two point three five miles from our current position," Optimus assured her from his place nearly twenty feet behind and to the left of the woman, amused by the way she continually spoke of caution while her actions were the complete opposite. "We are far enough."

Despite her spoken concern, Aurian could not stop herself from stepping forward a few more feet. She had seen Sideswipe's landfall but it had come under cover of storm clouds, it was nothing compared to this.

Sunstreaker glanced to where the woman had moved to, he had promised to keep an eye on the human for his brother since he was unable to be here. He had taken Sunstreaker's patrol shift in trade for his twin taking his that morning.

He was impressed by the amazement that flowed through their bond, the human was truly admiring the beauty of the scene and, through her eyes – so to speak – he could too. He had seen entry after entry after entry and it had become mundane to him, but with the human's inexperience he found that he could look at it anew and see the intrigue in it.

The air began to hum with the energy of the three comets headed for them. Aurian could feel it crawling over her skin in waves causing all the little hairs on her body to stand on end. Every muscle in her body grew taught, as if she were prepared to run, though she thought that if she did it would be toward the comets instead of away from them. She could feel the tension in the mechs around her.

Ironhide was watching the descending balls of fire intently, though with a strange look on his face. If Aurian had to guess she would say it was, disappointment? Or anguish? Either way, it looked as though the mech was nearest to an emotional outbreak she could imagine him ever being, which wasn't saying much.

Optimus seemed pleased, as though it was a relief to know that there were still others receiving his call to regroup.

Ratchet was busy scanning, evaluating, double checking and rescanning everything about the comets and their estimated landing zone. If anything went wrong, he would be the first to know.

Sunstreaker was the least enthused of them; he simply stood watching with his arms crossed over his chest and everything about his stance screaming that he'd rather be anywhere else. Even over their bond he seemed bored. Aurian thought she caught a few hints of awe, but they were quickly gone and easily forgotten to the depths of tedium he felt toward the whole process. She did notice, however, that he watched her every move like a hawk.

She decided she would think about all that later; right now there was a spectacular show to be watched and she didn't want to miss a moment of it.

The comets descended quickly, burning through the atmosphere with every bit of glory she could have imagined. Their impact shook the ground, sending tremors violent enough to knock Aurian from her feet. She was surprised to be lifted from the ground by Sunstreaker.

"Thanks." She was careful not to move more than what she needed to so that she was comfortable and not in danger of falling from her new perch.

"Don't mention it. Ever." Aurian suppressed a laugh at the mech's comment. It was clear through their bond that he wanted to keep her out of harm's way, but at the same time he wasn't exactly pleased with holding her like this.

Any thoughts of teasing the golden mech vanished as Aurian saw movement from the impact zones. Slowly, as if it took effort to adjust to the gravity, three slender forms emerged from the craters in the Earth.

The human soldiers that had accompanied them were already in action, hauling out vehicles Optimus had deemed acceptable for the new arrivals, and setting them up for the femmes to choose between and scan. Several small cars, a few varieties of small trucks, and a couple different motorcycles were displayed for the femmes and it apparently didn't take them long to choose. Within moments there were three more motorcycles than there had been before.

Everything happened so quickly that when the three femmes were standing with Optimus and the others surrounding them, Aurian had already missed part of the conversation.

"These are some of our human allies; they may be small, but they are capable of great things." Optimus was indicating the formation of military personnel standing at attention not far away, Will and Rob standing foremost. The two offered quick, professional salutes before Optimus continued. "I trust that you received the data required?"

"Yes, sir!" One of the femmes spoke out. She was a bright pink color that Aurian instantly assumed to be Arcee. The femme looked at the formation of humans doubtfully, but said nothing of them. "Prime, sir, what of the Decepticons? The data burst was rather lacking in their status."

"We will go over all of that once we reach base, this is hardly the place for it."

"Yes, sir." The femme relaxed minutely, just enough to show that she was no longer expecting an ambush, and the other two followed suit.

Aurian watched the exchange suspiciously. It wasn't difficult for her to place name to femme, but the fact that the blue femme stood so unconcernedly nowhere near Ironhide drew her curiosity. "That's Chromia, isn't it?" She spoke softly, only intending for Sunstreaker to hear her; however, the femmes audios were just as keen as any of the other 'bots and Aurian suddenly found herself the center of everyone's attention again.

"What is this?" Arcee spoke both teasingly and astounded, "Sunny's holding one of these little creatures?" She poked at Aurian, only to be dissuaded by Sunstreaker himself as he pulled his hand away from her.

"Don't call me that, femme. And I didn't really have a choice." He stepped away from the persistent femme, though it did little to stop her from her continued curiosity.

"How does it know our name?"

"Our?" Aurian looked at the femme squinting down at her. "You're Arcee, right?"

"Yes."

"And that's Flareup," she pointed to the purple femme, and then to the blue, "And Chromia, right?"

Arcee's optics went from curious to mistrustful as she continued to examine the human in Sunstreaker's hand. "What is the trick here? Am I missing something?"

"If you are, you're not alone." Aurian looked to Sunstreaker for answers, but it was clear that he would not be giving them.

"Arcee, this is Aurian Fae Towns, our recently appointed human liaison. She is trustworthy." Optimus came to stand beside the femme, offering Aurian an apologetic look.

"Trustworthy?" The femme tilted her head slightly to the side, "If you say so Prime."

Aurian wasn't as easily distracted from her own questions. "Why isn't..."

"Not now." Optimus warned, the tone of his voice was all Aurian needed to know that there was something that she was about to say that would have unfortunate results.

"Oh..." If it hadn't been for several previous incidences where she had said a few words too many, Aurian would have pushed, but Optimus knew her knack for such things and was warning her before she could make such a blunder. She had to accept that for what it was and bide her time for answers. "Okay."

She watched as the other two femmes seemed to converse with Ratchet, though Ironhide remained some distance away. This all was not adding up, two plus two did not equal four in this equation and Aurian was determined to find the missing numbers. She decided to keep quiet and watch for the time being. Answers could be found in observation, that was something she knew well.

When everything settled, the gathered N.E.S.T. members were separated into two groups for their return to Diego Garcia. Ratchet, the three femmes, and all of the vehicles brought went on one plane with Rob and half of the soldiers who had come. Will and the rest of the soldiers joined Optimus, Ironhide, Sunstreaker and Aurian on the other.

Aurian sat against a wall, out of the way, studying Ironhide. Well, glaring was probably a more accurate term, but she didn't want to seem angry. She wasn't angry, she was confused. From Ironhide's reactions previously, and from Ratchet's words, she assumed that the paring of Ironhide and Chromia had been accurate. Yet here they were, acting as though they barely knew each other. Was it a ploy? Were they trying to keep their relationship hidden from the humans? What was the purpose of that? And if he was trying to hide it, why was he acting so…different.

She was very near just storming over to the silent mech and demanding answers when Sunstreaker intervened. 'I suggest you leave it be.'

"Why?" She demanded, not even taking a moment to consider what 'it' might be.

'Isn't it obvious? He doesn't want to talk about it.'

"Why?" Again she demanded, still her gaze would not be diverted from the sulking mech on the other side of the plane. 'Is he really sulking, or is that just my imagination?' "It makes no sense."

'It makes perfect sense. You're just not seeing everything.'

"What do you mean by that?"

'Wait until we're back at base, ask Optimus, or the Hatchet. Just don't ask Ironhide unless you want to be offlined. Trust me.'

Now Aurian did sever her intense study of the weapons specialist to look at Sunstreaker, sitting beside her looking as though he might be falling into recharge. "Did...something happen?"

Sunstreaker rolled his head so he could give an appropriately incredulous look to the woman. 'Of course something happened. Something always happens.' Feeling the annoyed confusion turn to a half-realization through their bond, Sunstreaker knew the woman was starting to put the thoughts together; however, if she was coming to the correct conclusion was hard to tell. 'Just...keep in mind that things changed after Flotilla. Certain actions were taken to protect what we had left after that.'

Aurian started to speak again, but her mind caught her before the words uttered past her lips. The mention of Flotilla instantly brought back the thought of Ironhide and Chromia's sparkling, of his tragic and brutal death at the hands of Megatron, how they had suffered so greatly. All her thoughts spiraled together which in turn brought back Barricade and his unique situation. Her heart hurt for them, for what she thought they were going through. She wanted to scream for them, to express the pain that had to be there...

Sunstreaker made an odd noise as he doubled over, grabbing at his chest, his face contorted in pain.

"Sunstreaker?" Aurian jumped to her feet; she didn't know what she was going to do, but she had to do something.

"What the Pit was that?" He snarled, the pain easing out of his rigid frame.

Aurian withered beneath the warrior's glare. "What?" Her voice was weak, timid. Whatever happened to him, he thought she was the cause of it.

Ironhide and Optimus were already there, prepared to do whatever they could to help the suddenly stricken mech.

"What's going on?" Ironhide demanded, some semblance of his usual gruffness in his voice.

Again Aurian was struck by the empathetic pain she had for him...and again Sunstreaker cried out.

"Would you stop it already?" He snapped as Aurian turned back to him. "What the Pit is your problem, femme?"

'What is going on?' Sideswipe's pained voice weaved through all the confusion in Aurian's mind. Whatever was happening was affecting him too.

'Your femme is what's going on!' Sunstreaker growled over their bonds, glaring death at Aurian.

"What?" Alarmed that she was the cause of their pain, Aurian tried to think of whatever she might have done. It occurred to her all at once that her empathy toward Ironhide and Chromia was causing her strong emotional pain, which in turn was causing physical pain that was being transferred to the twins. "I'm sorry!" She felt out of control, her grief for Ironhide and Chromia, her guilt for causing Sunstreaker and Sideswipe pain, her confusion, her frustration...all of it flooded her causing her to panic.

Sunstreaker roared with the echos of her torments, and Sideswipe's own pains washed through their bonds, creating more pain, more confusion and more guilt for Aurian. It was a terrifying circle that Aurian couldn't break, no matter how much she knew she had to, or that she wanted to.

Then Aurian felt a sharp pain in her ankle and everything seemed to stop for a split second before she felt the hard metal of the plane's flooring smack against her face, then darkness.

"Aurian? Can you hear me?" She knew that voice, it was familiar to her, friendly. "Hey, you okay, Auri?"

"Roddi?" Her eyes opened slowly, as if not aware they had actually been closed. She was disoriented, this was not where she was supposed to be. The high ceiling and bright lights were not the same as the plane... "What happened?"

"You fainted." There was the distinct sound of restrained laughter from the man hovering near her side. "You okay?"

Aurian pushed herself into a sitting position. Her head felt light, but otherwise she felt fine. "Yeah. And you can just stop laughing already."

"I'm sorry, I just can't help it." As proof a soft snicker escaped him. "I can't believe you fainted. What happened?"

"I don't know." She closed her eyes, willing her brain to get itself in order so that she could remember what had led up to this. She'd gone with the 'bots to go...'Right, the femmes.' "I just got worked up. Stupid really."

"What was stupid?" Ratchet's large frame shadowed the two humans. He had not been far, wanting to be there when Aurian awoke so that he could find the cause of this...incident.

"That I let myself get that worked up over something I have no control over."

Ratchet made a sound that led Aurian to believe he had doubts about what was going on with her, which of course made her wonder if there was something more that she wasn't seeing...or feeling...or whatever it was she was supposed to be doing. "Roger, would you mind excusing us for a moment?"

"Why?" Roger was instantly suspicious, grabbing Aurian's hand to show that he had no intentions of leaving the woman alone.

Ratchet, unamused by Roger's over-protectiveness, leaned against the table the two humans were on. "I wish to discuss certain human medical traits that the females of your species have."

The man looked confused for a minute, something all women had? A medical condition? "What?"

Aurian couldn't believe her ears. Was Ratchet honestly talking about...

"I believe you call it a 'Menstrual Cycle'." He gained a rather concerned look as he studied the woman staring disbelievingly back up at him. "My reports show that parts of your reproductive systems actually break down and discharge from your frame. Is this fact?"

"Ratchet!" Aurian could feel the heat of embarrassment turning her skin red. Talking about a period with an alien was not her idea of 'small talk'. "This is not something that...you shouldn't ask...that's just...can't you look it up or something?" She couldn't find the words to express how inappropriate she felt this conversation was.

"I merely express my concerns because of your current symptoms."

"No! Ratchet, just stop there!" Aurian pulled her hand away from Roger and stood up. She had every intention of leaving the med bay, and Ratchet, far behind until this conversation had left her mind. However, her legs did not wish to comply and she found herself on hands and knees only moments later.

"Aurian!" Roger was there, again, right beside her, helping her up.

"I'm fine!" She pushed him away. For some reason his concerns just further irritated her... 'Maybe Ratchet has a point.' "I'm just...okay." She rocked back on her heals and rubbed at her face, "I think I forgot to eat this morning, that's all."

"Auri..." He leaned down in front of her, studying her, "You look a little pale. I'll..." He paused, seeming unsure of his next words. Did he really want to leave the woman with this alien? She seemed to trust him implicitly...but did that mean he did too? "I'll go get you something to eat, okay?" Glancing up at the Autobot medic, Roger was sure he saw something near relief. "That is if that's alright with you, Doc?"

Ratchet nodded, offering a hand to help the man from the table. "That is acceptable."

Roger accepted the offer and was soon out the door, leaving Aurian and Ratchet alone in the med bay. Aurian intensely studying her hands, still sitting where she had fallen.

"Now, I do wish to discuss your symptoms. You are very anemic, Aurian."

"I'm not on my period." The heat instantly returned to her face at just having to say the words. She wasn't sure why it was so embarrassing. Ratchet was a medical professional, even if he was an alien, and in the process of saving her life - more than once - he had seen parts of her that many humans probably never would.

"I know. I can tell that by my scans. However, you are still showing distress levels that would indicate loss of blood." As if to confirm it to himself, Ratchet ran yet another scan over the woman, the results the same. She had lost a concerning amount of blood recently, yet there was no cause to be seen.

Blood loss? 'But nothing's happened,' she thought to herself, trying as hard as she could to remember anything at all that she might have done to injure herself. There was just...nothing. 'There was that dream I had...but that was just a dream, right?'

~Just a dream.~

"It would explain why you fainted." Ratchet continued, seeing the woman was thinking very hard about something. "Sunstreaker and Sideswipe both reported that you seemed to be in emotional turmoil right before. What was bothering you?" He suspected that the two may be connected, but how, he still wasn't sure.

Speaking of... "Why is Ironhide avoiding Chromia like the plague?"

Ratchet lowered his head, leaned heavier on the table, and sighed. "Because that's not Chromia."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; WHAT?

* * *

_

_**All right my friends!**_

_**The usual thank yous: To my readers, to my reviewers, to my beta's and to my inspirations. I would post my normal note here, but I'm using a different computer tonight due to my insane lack of internet at home. -_-;;; It's really getting depressing. LOL, silly interweb addictions! Anyway! I thought perhaps I would take a moment here to update everyone on my life, if you care to know.**_

_**Survived the car crash, as you're well aware, and I'm perfectly fine. I'm dealing with grand financial problems, but they are on the rise instead of on the decline now, so that's good. Most of the newest litter of pups are rehomed, and soon the last of them will go, and that will be good. My daughter has learned to walk and climb, so life is a bit on the chaotic side there...-_-; she's sooooo cute though. (I really think the cuteness to trouble ratio of children is very important...my daughter is very, very cute...so...trouble galore!)**_

_**Basically, things have been tough, but we're getting through and the light is there, I can see it!**_

_**As for story writing: Science and Fiction is going very well. Several chapters are complete and will be updated as they return from beta (no rush!). I'm 90% complete with the prize fic for the 1000th review; if you're watching for it it will be called 'Precious'. I will post with it a general description of the 'wants' for it so that everyone can see and compare for themselves. Secrets Within has come to a complete standstill, though I intend to pull it, revamp it, and continue at some point (for anyone who was watching that one, I'm so sorry about the delay!) Also I've got a few oneshots that have been requested, or that I've come up with, that I intend to tackle over the next few months, so expect to see some development there.**_

_**If anyone has an idea for a oneshot - fell free to PM me! I love the thought of doing little side stories here and there, and with SciFi on the downhill slope to completion, I'm really looking for things to jump onto.**_

_**I'm considering doing another contest, anyone interested? I've already got it planned out, just want to know if anyone would take me up on the offer.  
**_


	62. Journal Entry 62

_Journal entry; thoroughly confused_

_ Ratchet told me of the great lengths they went through to preserve what was left of their femmes. That they had created drones to look, and act like them, gave them resonators that would simulate spark signature, and sent them out into the stars, hiding the _real_ femmes among them. So, we had Flareup, Arcee, and a fake Chromia? No...we only had Arcee. The other two were fakes that were linked with Arcee to make them look and act like the real thing._

_ This 'Chromia', this fake femme, looked and acted exactly like the real Chromia as Arcee remembered her, and even had a spark signature like the real Chromia. Apparently this was good enough to fool the Decepticons. The only way the Autobots knew who was the real femme was that she told them. Except for Ironhide, who knew immediately that it was not _his _Chromia; no wonder he was sulky._

_ Things are always more complicated than I seem to think they are..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Damn it." Aurian took a deep breath to try and clear her head. Ratchet's explanation of what exactly had happened was...confusing. It was also deeply troublesome. "So, the Decepticons have no clue?"

"It seems they have not caught on yet. Though I don't imagine this ruse will last forever." The medic lifted his head. He had not moved since he began trying to help Aurian understand the situation. The woman was pale, though she had been pale before, but it seemed she was a few shades lighter now. "It's a difficult situation."

"I can just imagine it must be! All this time being separated from Chromia, now he's forced to interact with a _fake_ version of her? That's like trying to replace a dead beloved pet with a new puppy!" She groaned at her own comparison, "No, it's nothing like that...is it? It's worse. Gods, how can he deal with this?"

"I can't say I know how, just that he has. That he will. Ironhide is a strong mech."

"Strong." Aurian sighed, she had no doubts over the mech's strength, but just how far could that strength carry him with these kind of situations continually happening? She knew all the 'bots in this war had lost a lot, that they all had their dark shadows looming over them. It had to be hard for all of them. Yet, Ironhide was the one who was being forced to face his. "How strong does he have to be? It's not fair, Ratchet!"

"You already knew that. War isn't fair." Ratchet stood straight. "Enough of this. I need to figure out why you are anemic. Are you sure you cannot recall any injuries recently that may have cause it?"

"Nothing you wouldn't already know of." Aurian couldn't just drop her foul mood. There was nothing she could do to help any of them, but she felt like she needed to. Somehow.

Studying the woman, there was only one thing that he could reasonably conclude. She was correct in assuming that if there was an injury large enough to have caused the loss he registered, Ratchet would have been able to find it on his scans, yet with nothing showing up there was only one thing left; the anomaly had to be causing this. "Aurian, I don't think we can put off this surgery any longer. I have to insist that we proceed as soon as possible."

Aurian nearly choked as all her muscles tensed, causing her to lose her breath and for her throat to close up. She shook her head vigorously, indicating that she would not consent to it.

"I think we've past the point of argument."

Drawing in a ragged breath, Aurian tried to calm herself. There was no point in getting so worked up, it was obvious that Ratchet was right and she had to admit that. "But we already decided on after Roger left!"

"With things as they are, do you honestly believe that is a good idea?" Ratchet grabbed a datapad so that he could show Aurian exactly what he was seeing. "Look at this." He displayed a chart that had two different colored lines on it. One was blue the other red. He pointed to the blue one, it ran more or less levelly through the whole chart. "This is what an average humans blood pressure levels should be," he then pointed to the red line. It was erratic, sometimes above, sometimes below the blue line until near the end it dropped dramatically. "This is yours. Do you see my concern? If this continues..."

"What?" Aurian jumped at the voice. Roger had apparently returned at some point, and was now standing near Ratchet's feet looking up at him expectantly.

"Roger! How...how much did you hear?" Aurian asked nervously.

"Enough to know you've been lying to me," the man snapped. "What happens if 'this continues', medic?" The way he said the title was clearly meant as a derogatory word. Aurian cringed, expecting Ratchet to respond poorly at such slander, but to her surprise the CMO simply knelt down to be more on level with Roger.

"If it continues as it has, she will die." He spoke with such finality that Aurian knew there was no 'if', 'and', or 'but's about it. Ratchet looked from one dumbfounded human to the other, somewhat pleased that his point had finally been heard. "Aurian, I recommend we proceed immediately."

"NO!" Even if Ratchet was right, and she was sure he was, Aurian just couldn't jump into the idea of surgery so quickly. She had been slowly preparing herself for the inevitable, and having known a date was making it easier. Now, having it thrown at her suddenly with little room for preparation, she was terrified. "No, I can't! Not yet..."

"Auri..." Roger was surprised to find himself suddenly lifted up to the woman's level.

Ratchet knew that the man would talk sense to the woman in a way that he could not. He was, after all, her species and a close friend beyond that.

Roger only briefly glanced at the 'bot, thinking that perhaps he didn't understand them as well as he thought, then rushed over to where Aurian sat. She was shivering and looked as though she was trying to think of a way to get away from here as fast as she could. "Auri, listen," he wrapped his arms around her and was pleased when she returned the gesture, gripping onto him like a lifeline. "I know you're scared, but you can't just ignore it and hope it will go away. From as far as I've heard, you've already done that and look at where it's come."

"I can't!" She groaned. In her mind, she knew there was no getting out of it this time, but that didn't mean that she was ready to accept it.

Roger just held onto her. He really didn't know what to say. All this time he had thought that this alien medic was doing something to Aurian, or that he had done something, or...just that somehow he was the cause of Aurian's strange behavior, but now he knew that it wasn't that at all. Ratchet, the alien robot, CMO of the Autobots, had been trying to help her, but she had been denying his care.

"As our liaison," Ratchet somewhat tentatively interrupted, "it is in my power to demand you receive proper medical care." Now Aurian knew why Ratchet had been so pleased she had taken the position. "I am the best qualified medic for this duty; however, I can turn my request over to the human governments and they can proceed from there."

Absolute terror filled Aurian at the mere idea of what a human doctor might think of the anomaly, of what they might _do_ to her. "No..." she pleaded, "I don't want that."

"Then allow me to tend to you."

Aurian hid her face in Roger's embrace, wanting to just make everything go away, but knowing it would not. This was the moment she knew would come, despite her best efforts. "Okay...but...tomorrow? Can I at least wait that long?"

"What is one more day going to do?" Roger asked of both of them. Of her, to see what one more day of procrastination would do for the situation, and of Ratchet of what harm it could do.

Aurian spoke first, her case already clear in her mind. "It'll let me wrap my brain around it..."

"Or," Ratchet added, "It could be a delay you cannot afford."

Roger felt pinned. What did he say? He couldn't rightfully say that Ratchet was wrong, obviously the medic had proof to back up his words, yet Aurian was his friend and she was terrified. He wanted nothing more than to take her away and help her hide from the truth, but that might lead to a very tragic end.

"One night. I...I'll come back first thing in the morning."

Ratchet thought it over, she had lasted this long, but it was growing more and more dangerous every day. Was it worth the risk? "I can only agree with that if you agree to be observed through the night."

"I will." Roger volunteered instantly.

"While I appreciate your offer," Ratchet spoke matter-of-factly, "you have not had the rest you need either, and it is too likely you may fall asleep during the night. I would much prefer Jolt or myself."

"Sideswipe will do it." Aurian announced. She hadn't asked the mech, but she was sure he would and, truthfully, if she had to spend a night being watched over, he was the one she wanted to do it. "And Sunstreaker will be there too." She looked up at Ratchet, and at Roger. Both looked at her very doubtfully. "Come on, Ratchet. Who would be better for the job? They'd know if there was something wrong with me before even I would!"

Venting heavily, Ratchet had to admit that the woman was right. Their bond made the twins the prime candidates for such a duty; however, Sideswipe was due for early patrol again and Sunstreaker had been pulling triple duty as punishment for his 'previous actions'. "I don't know about this."

"Wouldn't it be better if you and Jolt were rested come morning anyway?" Aurian further argued, "One night, I'm sure they can manage." She reached out through her bonds, seeking the twins she had volunteered for sitting duty.

'Are you okay?' Was the instant response from Sideswipe, a curious note from Sunstreaker lingering on the question.

"Ye...well...I've got a favor to ask." She watched Ratchet, waiting for him to protest, but he did not. He simply crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

'Name it!' There was anxiety over their bond, obviously the fact that she had not said 'yes' to his question was raising the mech's concerns, but further than that she couldn't stop her own anxiety from feeding through the bonds.

"Ratchet is going to do..." her voice quivered for a moment, clearly displaying her discomfort, "the surgery. In the morning. But he thinks I need to be watched over tonight. Could..."

'Yes.' Aurian was surprised that it was Sunstreaker who answered. 'We will watch you. It'll be easier than trying to wake you up in that tiny human hole you hide in when you have another nightmare.' There was a wave of amusement, and agreement from Sideswipe. Aurian couldn't stop the smirk that crept onto her face. Perhaps Sunstreaker was only thinking of his personal convenience, but his quick response made her think that he was actually developing a soft spot for her.

'I'll come get you.' Sideswipe assured her, knowing that Ratchet would want to lecture him long and hard about what he would be looking for, what to do, and who he would contact if anything happened.

"Thanks, Sides. Thank you, too, Sunstreaker."

'Whatever.' The moody twin answered shortly, though it seemed to Aurian there was a hint of appreciation in his tone.

"Sides is on his way." Aurian looked to Ratchet hopefully. It was ultimately up to him if he thought Sideswipe and Sunstreaker would be suitable for the job.

"Hold on...I'm confused." Roger was staring at Aurian like she might have just grown another head. "How do you know he's coming?"

Aurian's guts fell to her knees. She had completely forgotten that Roger was, until now, unaware of the bond she shared with the twin mechs. "I...just talked to him..." she stated softly.

"How?" He demanded again.

"I...kinda...have a link with him."

"Like a blue tooth?"

Aurian shook her head. "No, it's not any device that lets me do it." It was long past time for lies to the man. He had put up with everything she had given him for this long and had taken it all in stride. It was time she was strait forward with him. "I have a connection to him, and his twin, a 'bond'. We can communicate with one another through it, feel each other."

Roger looked as though he didn't believe her, that he would argue with her, until the 'bot sized doors opened and Sideswipe came through, his optics instantly fixing on Aurian. "How?" He repeated, though this time it was more of a desperate question than a demand.

"No one is quite sure of that." Ratchet supplied as he walked toward Sideswipe, fully intending to pull him off to his office for a thorough debriefing.

Sideswipe hesitated for only a moment to ensure that Aurian was not in any immediate danger before he followed the CMO. His gaze momentarily shifted to Roger, some indiscernible look crossing his face.

"How long...have you...how does it work?" Roger wasn't sure what bothered him more: the fact that Aurian was somehow _connected_ to these aliens, or that he was believing that it was true.

"It's really complicated, Roger. I don't really know how to explain it." Aurian felt uncomfortable telling Roger about the bond, though why she wasn't entirely sure. "It's nothing to worry about."

"Nothing to worry about?" The look on Roger's face was one that clearly stated he was not a blind man, and that he could do simple equations in his head. "When that robot; Sideswipe, when he went after you that day when I first found out about all this...when you screamed, he screamed...you could feel each other's pain, couldn't you?" It was more of a statement than a question and Aurian knew it was pointless to try to answer. "And just now, when he was captured? You could _feel_ his pain, couldn't you?"

"No!" Aurian could see where Roger was going to take this little tirade and she wanted to stop it before he thought he had any ideas on how to 'fix' it. "It's not entirely like that."

"Then what is it like?" Roger settled down in front of Aurian. He wanted to understand more than anything he could think of at that very moment. For some reason he could not explain, the thought of these aliens – even Sideswipe, especially Sideswipe – being privy to Aurian's every emotion, to her every feeling, aggravated him.

"He can block me out, make it so I can't feel things from him. Both of them can. I mean, I knew there was something wrong, but I couldn't feel _what_." Why did it feel like her heart was folding in on its self? "I know its weird...and...I'm really sorry...but there's nothing that can be done about it." 'And nothing I would let be done about it even if there was...' she added silently to herself.

"Auri...this isn't right."

"I know." Her heart sank further, what was it that was bothering her? Was Roger rejecting her now that he knew she was, well, a freak? "You don't have to hang around. I understand."

"What?" Roger sounded appalled by her words. "How could you even think I'd leave you alone after all this?"

"Because I've been nothing but bad news for you...for everyone really. I can't blame you for just walking away."

"Never." Roger grabbed onto her almost painfully. "No, Aurian, you're stuck with me like it or not. I'm not going anywhere."

"Roddi..." she almost sobbed his name. It was a relief that he still wanted to stand by her despite her lies and trouble. "Thank you."

"There's no need for that." Roger's head spun with everything he had just heard. This wasn't right. Aurian, a woman who gave until there was nothing to give, had been put in a situation to cause her such grief. She had lost everything she had known, become connected to these aliens in a way he could never fully understand, and was facing some grave illness that was probably killing her, and what was she worried about? Him. She was worried that she had dragged him down from his normal, sub-par by his standards, life into this madness. "I'm never going to leave you," he stated, his voice strong and confident. He knew in his heart that he wouldn't. Nothing could take her from her side...and he would prove it.

When Sideswipe and Ratchet returned, it was to find the woman practically curled in Roger's lap, his arms wrapped protectively around her. Ratchet glanced at Sideswipe, feeling the mech tense beside him.

"She's tired." Roger explained quietly, oblivious to the sudden tension in the younger mech.

Sideswipe nodded; Aurian hadn't been resting well, and after the apparent nightmare the night before, he knew she had to be exhausted. Still, seeing her so close to the man set his circuits on edge. "I will take her to rest then." He reached out a hand to take the woman. She looked so peaceful with him...

Roger lifted the slumbering woman into the awaiting hand, pausing to study her peaceful face before releasing her to him fully. He watched the silver mech vanish, then turned to Ratchet. "Okay, someone has got to clear all this up...what is going on?"

Ratchet vented. Roger was Aurian's closest human connection, he deserved to know the truth. He decided that, in case of the worst happening, someone close to Aurian should know why.

_Journal entry_ continued_; settle_

_ I woke up to being carried, not as strange a feeling as you might think it would be._

_ Sideswipe took me to his and Sunstreaker's quarters where, much to my surprise, they had apparently predicted my arrival and had brought appropriate things for me; blankets, pillows, those kinds of things, and created a small...well, if I called it anything but a nest it would be inaccurate. It looked damned comfortable._

_ The one thing that caught my eye though, was something that I couldn't even fathom why I hadn't seen before._

_ There was a painting that took up a large part of Sunstreaker's part of the quarters. It was...Gods it was beautiful._

_ Guess he did pick up the stuff I got him..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Okay, so life has not changed much. Still no internet, still troubles, but such is life.**

**Anywho, just gonna rattle off my quick thank yous: Litahatchee, Karategal, Hearts of Eternity, Lady Tecuma, Frog-Lizard (for reasons that will be seen later! ^_~), Eowynn77, FORD B., Nightwarp, Anasazidarkmoon, my readers, and my reviewers!**

**Yes, I'm still considering turning up another contest. I'm thinking of prizes for it right now. What would you want to win if you were to win a contest? Just a thought.**

**Catch ya next time everyone!  
**


	63. Journal Entry 63

_Journal entry; never dream_

_ I had settled easily into the little nest the twins had created for me – I knew Sunstreaker had a hand in it – and the stress of everything dragged me into sleep._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She slept. Deep, heavy, unmoving sleep.

Sideswipe sat watching, just as unmoving. He wasn't sure why but he had a dread boiling inside him that he could not place. He was concerned. Worried. Afraid.

Ratchet had been pushing for this surgery for so long he had almost dared hope it would never happen. Why? Well, other than the fact it was Ratchet cutting into something he was very personally attached to, it was because Aurian was so afraid of it. Still, he wasn't sure if it was really Aurian's fear he was feeling. True, he could feel Aurian's fear tugging, twisting, pulling, and tearing at his spark with a choking grip, but there was more. His own fears wove deeply within hers, intensifying the feeling more than he had imagined possible.

Fear wasn't new to him. He had learned long ago intimate details of fear that no young 'bot should ever know, but due to the war he had been introduced to in ways so deep, so personal that even to this orn no other 'bot knew or understood aside from Sunstreaker. This is why the twins seemed fearless to others, because no amount of danger could ever equal the fear they knew could be created. However, this...

Humans could feel fear on such an entirely new level to him that he wondered how their race could function. It was no wonder they were distrustful, why some were deceitful, and many of them would much rather shoot first and never ask questions. Yet despite this fear, some – like the soldiers here with them, like Aurian – still looked into the unknown and willingly went toward it. They faced down their fears and moved forward through it. He was beginning to understand Optimus's decision regarding this race...and the Prime couldn't even _feel_ this. Sideswipe's already hefty respect for the Autobot leader was growing even stronger.

Aurian was dreaming. He could feel it. She was dreaming of Scalpel, of what he had done to her. 'Slag that glitched piece of scrap to the bottom of the Pit.'

The truth was Sideswipe never had much appreciation for doctors, scientists, or anything of their ilk. They did horrible things...even when they didn't intend to. Ratchet had worked long and hard with him to change that image, but had little affect on it. Sideswipe still saw them as the sparkless creations of Unicron – only Ratchet had a little more spark, a little less of Unicron in him. Even Jolt, when he was functioning on his medical programming, was less of a friend in his optics. He truly hated to think of it that way, but it was something he could not help. Aurian's fear-filled bond was a perfect example of why.

'Sides, you're really thinking about all this too much.' Sunstreaker's emotions were somewhat blocked from his twin, though Sideswipe could not be fooled – he was nervous too.

'I just have a really bad feeling about it.'

'I know...but it's Ratchet. He'll take care of her, you know that.'

Sideswipe leaned away from his hovering position. When had he come so close? 'That doesn't make me feel any better.'

'What caused all this anyway?' It seemed more like Sunstreaker was trying to focus his brother's attention. Rather than worry endlessly over the sleeping human, maybe he could get some useful information out of him. 'Why does she even need this surgery?'

'I'm not really clear on it all. When...that spawn of a half-glitched spark got hold of her, he did something. There's something inside her and Ratchet thinks it's causing problems for her.'

'An implant?'

'Yes and no. Ratchet's not entirely sure what it is. He says it's not organic in nature, so it's not natural to her species, but it's also not inorganic...nothing from our world or that would be found in our race.'

'So it's something nobody knows anything about...and you've all just let it sit there for how long? What if it was a bomb?'

'It's not a bomb.'

'How do you know that?'

'It's not!' Sideswipe couldn't think of a reason why it couldn't have been something like that aside from the fact that it had been there all this time and had not yet exploded.

'Then what is it?'

'I already told you – I don't know.' This was one of those moments that, if he wasn't watching over Aurian, he would hunt down his brother and punch him. Honestly, he was still tempted. 'It doesn't matter now anyway. Ratchet's going to cut it out tomorrow.' Even in his own processor the words sounded shaky. He was afraid for Aurian. Oddly enough, the faint wave of anxiety he felt from his twin seemed to indicate that Sunstreaker was too.

Both of the warrior mechs went silent as they felt the human stirring over their bond. The dream was getting worse. Sideswipe could hear faint whimpers coming from the woman as she suffered through the dream.

'Wake her up before she starts screaming again.' It didn't matter how he said it, Sideswipe knew that Sunstreaker wanted to stop the pain the woman was beginning to feel and since Sideswipe was of the same processor on the idea, he was already moving to wake the woman.

As he approached her he could see that her eyes were open, but the sensations he was getting from her were the same. "Aurian?"

'Scalpel...' her thoughts were distant, faded, like when she was dreaming.

"Aurian, there's no one here but you and me. Look." He leaned over so the woman could see him. Her eyes locked on him instantly, tears brimming on their edges. Hope and fear both washed through their bond almost painfully as she lifted an arm toward him, almost as though she didn't dare believe he was really there. "You're dreams are getting bad again." He touched his fingers to her hand, showing her that he was there beyond doubt.

Aurian looked at Sideswipe. He was there, she could see him, she could feel him – both physically and through their bond – there was no Scalpel. "It felt so real." She almost moaned. Her chest ached as though the mech had been there digging through her insides again, but she knew it was impossible. If Sideswipe had been there this whole time, there was no way that Scalpel could have been.

Sideswipe could think of nothing more to do for the woman than to just be there for her, so he scooped her up, bedding and all and made himself comfortable on his berth. "It wasn't real. If that twisted little mech dared show his face around here, I would destroy him long before he could ever lay another digit on you."

The warmth of the mech near her was more real than anything she had dreamed, no matter how real those dreams had been. Aurian leaned into him, enjoying the safe feeling she had just from his touch. She didn't doubt for a second that he meant what he said, or that he would enact it in a much more graphic way...but that did little for the dreams. Her mind continued to drown her in images of her own blood spattered across the small silver mech's limbs, of the glee in his optics as he studied her insides. A shiver ran through her. "I'd feel better if her were dead."

There was silent agreement from two separate places in her bond with the twins. They both wished to cause some irreparable harm to the little Decepticon field medic. With that in her mind, Aurian fell once more into the oblivion of sleep, this time with no visions of torture.

Roger was lying on his bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. How often had he done this? Wondering exactly how he had come to this point. He had always wanted more than just the average, and now he had it. He wanted to be part of something big, and now he was. Yet, he wasn't satisfied. Why? Aurian. She had come into his life and turned everything upside down, making it all wonderful, in the craziest ways.

Every step of the way over the past few months there was nothing more that he wanted than for her to be at his side and happy. True, he had chased the dreams given him by these strange turn of events, but he thought of nothing but her the whole time. She had brought them to him, gave him the chance to shine and he had. All this he had now – his top security clearance, his place among the most top secret of top secrets in the world – and he wanted her to share it with him. Why did she deny it?

'It's that robot...' Roger was many things, but blind was not one of them. He had seen the way Sideswipe hovered over her, how he looked at her...treated her differently than the other humans. What was more frustrating was that Aurian continually turned to him. He had known the woman for years, _years_, yet still when it had come down to it, she had chosen the robot to look over her in her time of need.

Rolling off his bed he began pacing. He was far too frustrated to think of sleep, no matter what that robot medic said.

Over the past few days he had endeavored to show Aurian just how much she meant to him. He had thought he had been making progress. Still, the way she had volunteered Sideswipe bothered him. As if he had been the first thing she had thought of. Had he been?

Ratchet had explained to him, in rather disturbing detail, everything that had happened to Aurian since they had discovered her and to say that he wasn't livid would be criminal. These robots had caused her _nothing_ but harm since the moment they entered her life, and still she turned to them when she was in need instead of going to humans; choosing Ratchet over a human medical officer, choosing Sideswipe over him...

'You're jumping to conclusions, Roger,' he explained to himself calmly. 'Aurian is a smart woman, there's a reason she chose the robot over me. He'd notice if there was anything wrong with her sooner...' Somehow, that didn't make him feel any better.

'He has been a friend to her...well, more than that I guess, but still. He's been there for her when she thought she had nothing. I can't blame her for just following that feeling. It's become a habit. I'll just have to remind her that she hasn't lost everything. She's not alone.' With a firm nod he made his decision. He knew what he wanted to do now.

Ratchet looked over everything for what had to be at least the thousandth time. He was eager to get started, not because he wanted to put Aurian's life on the line – not that he thought she was in any danger under his care – but he wanted this to be done and over with.

The faint sound of Jolt out in the main area was the only other noise in the entire medical wing. It felt as though there was a tension hanging in the air. Everyone was aware of the surgery to take place this morning; news traveled fast on an island base, and it seemed that they were all anxious, worried, and curious to know the truth.

Most of the humans had not been told of the anomaly, so all they knew was that there was something wrong with the woman who had only just become the official liaison for their alien comrades. Even if there was still some contention between her and a number of the soldiers, no one wished any further harm on the young woman. Hadn't she been through enough already?

Of the Autobots present, most of them were also in a strange state of silence. There had been very little communication over their shared lines above what was required, such as Sunstreaker checking in that morning or Jazz reporting that he was headed out.

::Sideswipe?:: Ratchet was trying to give Aurian time, but he was afraid that if he didn't push at least a little, she would somehow find somewhere to hide and not resurface again until it was either too late, or until they dug her out of whatever hole she found.

::We're on our way.::

Venting softly Ratchet ignored the relief he felt at that small confirmation. He wasn't sure why he had been so positive that Aurian would find some way to avoid this yet again, but to know that she had not was something near unbelievable.

Jolt's soft, but annoyed voice echoed through the med bay, drawing Ratchet's attention to the front of the facility. "We have visitors."

Ironhide stood in the doorway looking rather displeased with existence in general. Milling around his feet were several humans; Will, Rob, Evans and Harper, a few other soldiers that had come to be slightly more than acquaintances to the young woman, even a large number of the off duty medical crew from the human wing had come. The only one Ratchet was not surprised to see standing at his med bay doors was Roger. A few kliks later Ratchet realized the reason for Ironhide's seeming displeasure as the younger twins came creeping in around the doors, seeming to think that if they were quiet, no one would notice.

"And what brings all of you here?" Ratchet asked rather sarcastically, specifically pinning the twins with his optics as he did.

"Aurian." Roger announced. "Where is she?"

It took everything in Ratchet not to vent loudly right that moment. Of all the things he was currently ready to deal with, a stubborn human was not on the list. Well, unless that human had been Aurian, he was prepared for that. Otherwise he had assumed the humans would have kept wisely away until everything was said and done. 'You learn something new every orn...' he reminded himself. "She has not arrived yet. If you intend to be here, I suggest you find someplace out of the way." This was a hard call for Ratchet. It could be that the numbers of people to show up to wish her well would bolster Aurian emotionally going into the surgery, but at the same time, what if she became even further distressed seeing the numbers that knew of her condition? She had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want others to worry over her. "The waiting rooms are that way." He pointed to an area that had been designed and blocked off so that those waiting for patients would be close, but out of the way. It also blocked them from view, and blocked their view of what was going on inside.

Most of the humans started heading that way, but Roger, not surprisingly, did not. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Roger, you can't stand around in the med bay while a surgery is going on. Even in civilian practice that's not acceptable, so why do you think it would be any different here?" Will spoke with a firm but understanding tone. "The waiting rooms are close enough that you'll be the first to know if anything happens."

A dark look crossed the man's face, a pointed look focused on the Autobot medic. "Doubtful."

Not for the first time, Ratchet regretted informing the man of the connection between Aurian and the warrior twins. It had been her choice, her right to tell him, and he had suspected at the time that it was the right thing to do. However, now the man was proving just how such a thing might have been improper. He was feeling threatened by their connection and that was going to cause problems.

Though they all expected more resistance from Roger, it seemed he understood arguing about it wasn't going to change anything and instead he headed for the waiting rooms without another word. Will and Rob followed, the other humans having already gone.

Ironhide escorted the younger twins across the med bay, though he did spare the medics a semi-concerned, semi-sympathetic, mostly hostile look as he passed by. He was prepared to deal with the human, Roger, should there be need.

::He's going to be trouble.:: Jolt noted to his mentor.

::Trouble is nothing new to us. He'll be fine.:: As if the waiting room door closing had been the cue; Sideswipe pushed open the entry doors with Aurian propped on one arm, clinging to his chest plates nervously, and Sunstreaker following close behind.

Ratchet did not attempt to take the human from Sideswipe; it was very clear from her vitals that the only reason she was here and not running for, what he was sure she thought was her life, was that Sideswipe was keeping her from doing so. The medic led the way in silence; he felt that if he spoke, Aurian might dissolve into a screaming fit.

Once outside the operating room, however, things were going to become more complicated. Aurian had to be prepped, but that meant separating her from Sideswipe. "We will have to prepare you out here to keep a sterile environment inside." Ratchet pointed to where they had set up everything they would need, right down to the gown she was to wear. "We will make this as quick as we can."

Aurian nodded. She felt like her heart was ready to explode inside her right this moment. Even knowing, chanting, reinforcing to herself that this was Ratchet and he would do nothing to hurt her intentionally, she kept finding her mind pulling away leaving her with nothing more than vague thoughts, images of things she knew had been used before to hurt her, ghosts of Scalpel crawling around, cackling at her. It was only Sideswipe's constant assurance that he was there, that he would not let anything happen to her that kept her from losing it all together.

She tried to tell Ratchet she understood but could manage nothing more than a pathetic whimper as she took the garment she was to change into. She didn't have to ask for the privacy she would want for such a task as Ratchet led them to a nearby room. Sideswipe let her down and she bravely stepped inside to change, telling herself the whole way that this was nothing to be afraid of, that this was just another exam. Same as always. 'Except for the part where I get cut open...' It didn't matter how many times she tried to stop the thought, it kept coming back like bile in her mind.

"Darling, you need to calm down."

Aurian almost didn't know why she was surprised that the not-mother was standing inside the room when she walked in. "Calm down?" She thought of throwing the gown she held at the fake, but that small little rational part of her brain that was keeping her sane reminded her that the figure, though it looked real, was not. "I can't calm down!" She realized her voice was rising and held her breath for a moment to stop any further argument. "I really can't deal with you right now."

"You need confidence. We are here to help you."

"Help me? How is some figment of my imagination that just _loves_ to screw with my mind going to help me?" Aurian tried to ignore the doppelganger as she started stripping. 'It's not even real, it's just something in my mind...it's not like it's really there watching me...'

"You're awfully thin, dear. You haven't been eating."

Aurian glared at the impostor. "Really? Is this _really_ the time for this?"

"Just trying to get your mind on other things."

As much as she resented admitting it, the not-mother's appearance had seemed to break the hold her fear had captured her in. "Is that all you're here for?"

"Yes."

'Aurian? Are you okay?'

"I'm fine." Aurian raised her voice enough for the mechs beyond the door to hear her. "I really don't have it in me to deal with you. Can you please just go away?" Aurian watched with a bit of curiosity and brain twisting confusion as the woman took her discarded clothes, folded them neatly, setting them on a table to the side of the room, and then sitting beside them. 'Is that really happening, or...'

"We can't go away, we're a part of you."

Aurian could feel her frustration rising. 'Frustration is better than debilitating fear, right?' "I'm leaving."

"You'll be fine, sweetie. We'll be here for you when you wake up."

"Don't." She didn't bother trying to enforce her complete lack of desire to look at the fake image of her mother first thing after surgery... 'Oh, Gods...I'm doing this...' She froze half way out of the room. A second before she had been prepared to exit and slam the door, making it clear that she didn't want the doppelganger to follow, but now, right this very second, a fake image of her mother sounded better than nothing.

"We're right here, darling." She felt a hand in hers, but didn't dare look.

'Okay...I guess I can take this,' she decided. After all, if this thing was a part of her, it needed her to live...right? The grip on her hand tightened slightly.

"Aurian?" Sideswipe was kneeling before her, waiting for her. Ratchet and Sunstreaker were gone, and Jolt was several feet back with his back turned toward them.

"I'm okay." She tried to sound confident; failed miserably, but she tried.

Sideswipe could feel the confusion, the fear, the frustration...there were so many different emotions running through the woman at this moment he was amazed she wasn't just a babbling mess. He reached for her, but pulled his hand away when she flinched. "What is it?"

"Nothing...I'm just..." Aurian's heart was in her throat. It didn't matter what she told herself, she was getting ready to go into surgery and she wasn't ready for it.

"Scared." Sideswipe finished for her. The emotion grew over everything else until it was the only one left. Aurian wasn't just scared, she was terrified, and no amount of comfort he sent her seemed to even touch the surface of that terror.

Aurian nodded. She didn't want to do this. More than anything else she wanted to be anywhere but here. "I don't want to, Sides."

"I know."

~There is no reason to be afraid.~

Sideswipe picked up the trembling woman. If he had thought her fear last night had been bad, he had been proven wrong. Compared to what she was feeling now, last night had been nothing more than mild anxiety.

"Are you ready?" Jolt looked over the two. His scans showed that the woman's stress levels were continuing to rise. They really needed to get started before her already over-taxed systems started reacting negatively.

"Where's Sunny?" Aurian knew it sounded like a diversion – it was – but she honestly wanted to know. Just because she could reach out over their bond and ask herself didn't matter. She was a bit too frazzled to focus.

"He went to the waiting room with the others." Sideswipe answered, realizing his mistake a klik too late.

"Others?" Aurian was both happy to hear that there was someone who had come to support her, but at the same time she was alarmed. She hadn't wanted anyone to know what was going on with her that didn't have to know. "Who?"

"Major Lennox, Chief Master Sergeant Epps, Ironhide..." Jolt let his voice drift off, as though it should have been expected for those beings, and perhaps others, to be present. "Ratchet is waiting."

Sideswipe was beginning to feel the mounting anxiety trickling into his own systems. It was reaching a point where it wasn't just Aurian's, it was becoming his own. Maybe they should wait? He could just turn and leave, no one could stop him.

'Don't do it.' Sunstreaker warned. He could feel the tension growing in his brother and in the woman. Things were about to turn for the worst if something didn't happen quickly. ::Jolt, if I were you, I'd move a bit faster.::

Even as the warning came over a private link, Jolt could see how the warrior was tensing. "Sideswipe, if you would please bring her over here, we will get started."

Sideswipe didn't move.

Aurian had her eyes locked on the floor, not wanting to look at the medics that would help her, yet caused her such anxiety; however, when Sideswipe didn't move with Jolt's request, she finally looked up. She could feel his indecision. A part of her wanted to embrace the budding thoughts of running he was beginning to suggest to her over their bond, a very large part of her actually.

~Running will solve nothing, you know that.~

'Maybe not, but at least I won't have to deal with it right now.'

~And you would cause more trouble for those around you.~

It was a simple statement, but it clearly echoed Aurian's deeper emotions. She had caused everyone so much trouble already. "It's okay Sides...I can do this..." Somehow she managed to keep her voice mostly calm, though inside her mind she was screaming, 'No I can't!'

Jolt took the opportunity to approach the two. He could see that Aurian was struggling, and that her struggle was wearing on Sideswipe. "My apologies."

Moving before either of the two before him could ask anything, Jolt injected a sedative into the woman's arm, also removing her from Sideswipe's protective grip before he could pull the woman's sagging body away.

"What the Pit?" Sideswipe was alarmed, yet at the same time, felt Aurian's anxiety leaving him. His core processing was not demanding that he run anymore, but now it _was_ demanding some action be taken.

"It was clear that she was reaching dangerous stress levels. Humans are fragile; I had to do what I had to do." Wisely moving away from his friend, Jolt set about his assigned tasks. He was to prepare the human for surgery as swiftly as he could and deliver her to Ratchet who was already prepped and waiting.

"You could have warned me at least!"

"And you would have done what?" Jolt spared the mech an understanding look. "Sideswipe, I may have been wrong before when I thought that this bond the two of you shared was a weakness; however, she still has an impact on your actions. She was scared and you were preparing to defend her against that fear."

"That doesn't mean you had to..."

"I did." Jolt didn't sound apologetic for his actions. To him what he did was what was required and nothing would change that. Humans _were_ fragile and stress could literally kill them. Add that to the fact that Aurian was already in a questionable state of health, there seemed to be no other option. "I have to get her to Ratchet now; you probably want to go wait with your brother."

Sideswipe was left speechless; he wanted to tell off the younger medic, to tell him his actions had been devious and that he had no right to act as he did, but he couldn't. Jolt, as a medic, may have been a bit rough, but he still cared. Aurian was in good hands.

New anxiety built inside his spark as he watched Jolt vanish into the operating room that was all his own. What if the fragile little human femme that shared a bond with him faded in these next few joors? What if this would be the last time he saw her? What if that had been the last time he would speak with her? Or feel her chaotic emotions? Already, with her sedated their bond was weakened, quiet...he didn't want that connection to be gone forever.

"Hey," a hand on his shoulder drew Sideswipe from his gear-locked position, "she's going to be fine." Sunstreaker had come for his brother when he felt his twin's spark tremble in a way he had not known since they were younglings.

'What if she's not?' Sideswipe kept his thoughts quiet, spoken only across their bond. He didn't need everyone to hear his fears.

Sunstreaker was stuck somewhere between annoyance and amazement. His brother's current state was real, was of his own processor and spark, uninfluenced at this moment...and he was petrified. In truth he couldn't say that he wasn't feeling a touch of discomfort for the situation himself, but it was pale in comparison to what his twin was feeling. 'Sides, she's going to be fine.' To prove just that, Sunstreaker sought out the human's bond, pulled on it, brought it to some level of awareness, and shared it with his brother. Aurian's conscious self may have been silenced by the drugs, but her subconscious self, her core, was not.

At first this sense of Aurian was confused, alarmed, but as it felt the familiarity of the two sparks it had become connected to, it became relaxed and joyous. It was happy to be close to them, for them to be interacting with it, and in return it provided them both with a level of assurance that Aurian truly treasured them as a part of herself.

Sideswipe found that this sensation his brother was guiding him to was very relieving. As long as this part of Aurian was unconcerned with what was happening to her body, she was in no danger.

Much to everyone's respective life-giving source's greatest pause, Ratchet came from the operating room with a loud bang, muttering something evil beneath the audio levels of even the most keen receptors.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker quickly became the center of attention as everyone rushed from the waiting room to see what had caused the medic to act as he had; the group of waiting bodies having grown in the nearly eight hours since the surgery had begun.

The twins were confused. Aurian's presence was still with them, still luxuriating in their presence and not attempting to hide that fact one bit. They could even sense that her consciousness was less subdued, still not quite 'awake', so to speak, but the hold of the sedative was beginning to let go. Without one word to each other, the two moved – Sideswipe to find where Aurian was, and Sunstreaker trailing the medic's rampaged path.

Sideswipe's mission was easy enough as he spotted Jolt hovering. Aurian had been moved from the operation room to a recovery area. She looked alive, and Jolt did not seem to be acting as though the human femme were in any danger. "Jolt?"

"She's fine," he almost snapped. Jolt had expected Sideswipe, though in all honesty he did not want to deal with him just this moment. "You can stay with her, just don't move her." He moved away with no further instructions. He had other things to do.

Sideswipe took up a seat beside the berth Aurian had been placed on, his spark pulsing eagerly with every brush her conscious mind started to give their bond. She was alive; for now that was the only thing he cared about.

Sunstreaker, on the other hand, was traipsing into a dangerous place.

Ratchet had gone to his private office without a clear word to anyone. What Sunstreaker saw when he arrived instantly went to his spark and grabbed hold with icy claws.

Ratchet was once more reviewing the vids Bumblebee had recovered from the Decepicon base what no seemed so long ago. The vids were painfully clear, documenting every cut, every injection, every _thing_ that Scalpel had done to Aurian when he had held her captive, and it made Sunstreaker's tanks churn violently. He watched, in silent horror, his demands of the medic forgotten for the images currently filling his processor. Sideswipe had said Aurian was tortured, he had never clarified _how_...or maybe he hadn't even known? Sunstreaker had seen parts of Aurian's nightmares for himself, yet he could not have imagined that those images were faded realities.

"Pit-spawned scrap of..." Ratchet grumbled beneath his breath. The medic was studying the vids closely, intently. "What did you _do_?"

"What _did_ he do?"

Ratchet spun around to face the golden twin with great surprise. "Sunstreaker!" He hadn't heard the mech come, hadn't even known he was there. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to know that that piece of slag Decepticon is going to suffer when I get a hold of him. What did he do to her? What's going to happen to her?"

Ratchet studied the young warrior before him, saw the dark look in his optics, the way his whole body twitched with a barely in check rage. "I'm not sure." He turned back to the screen he had been watching. He'd studied these images since Aurian's return from her fateful stay with the Decepticons, he knew them by memory alone, but now that he had _seen _the anomaly, he was starting to see what he had been missing, what he hadn't understood. "Its..."

"What, Ratchet?" Sunstreaker demanded, "What is it?" He was ready to hunt down the Decepticons as it was, but Ratchet's demeanor was driving that urge to something more than just a desire for retribution.

_Journal entry_ continued_; pleasant awakenings_

_ Sideswipe was there, just like he promised. It was over. Finally._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Okay, just a real quick sorry for the delay. Here's your new chapter. Thank you to all of my helpful hands and all of my readers/reviewers and anyone else who needs or wants a thank you! ^_^ (I owe you all so much more than this, but I'm in a hurry and gotta get to bed. Next chapter, I promise proper thank yous!)  
**

**Short update - I've moved, started school again, and am working full time. Means little time for much, but I do have several chapters written. My goal is to have this finished up by the end of September (can you believe it's almost been a year? I sure as ciminy cannot!).**

**As for that random contest I spoke of a chapter (or two?) ago - I believe I am going to go on with it. I'll post the details later for those who wish to play with me. (Uh...not in that weird way...) The prize is going to be of the winners own decision. I decided that would be far more interesting. You can choose anything you like that I am able to provide - such as a one shot; rough story base to write your own fic; or maybe even a peek at what is going to happen in further chapters. Who knows? You do! LOL. Anywho. That is it.  
**


	64. Journal Entry 64

_Journal entry; just when you think it's over_

_ It's never over._

_ I guess that the anomaly was too close to my heart, or something along those lines. Ratchet had been reluctant to actually remove it until he had a better understanding of just exactly _what_ it was. He said it had very Cybertronian aspects to it, but that it was nothing he had ever seen before. The only thing that he _was_ sure of was that the thing wasn't harmful to me. How did he know that? I don't know, I'm not a medic..._

_ Something strange happened after the surgery though. Sunstreaker got into this really foul mood; not that the mech wasn't always in a bad mood, but this one was different. He stopped snapping at me, stopped dropping his subtle insults, and started pushing his bond with me a little more at night while I slept. I had dreams of Scalpel a few times, but he was always there before the dreams got too bad, pushing them away with an almost violent force. I know, that all sounds like the exact opposite of foul mood, but you didn't see it. He was even more short tempered with those around him, the only ones escaping his ire were Sideswipe and myself, and he went to spar with Ironhide more often. They would both come back with pretty bad marks on their armor. Ironhide seemed to revel in the sparing just as much as Sunstreaker did, but that's a whole other issue all together._

_ Ratchet was never very pleased with either mech when they came back to his med bay full of dings and gouges, but he also never said much more than they were being idiots – if that doesn't scream 'odd', I don't know what does._

_ Of course Roger wouldn't leave my side, though now that he knew what had been going on with me, his presence was more comfort that turmoil. He stopped pressing the issues of the two projects with me, which I greatly appreciated, though I really couldn't help but think that there was something on his mind when he was with me. He was plotting something, I was sure of it._

_ Anyway. Recovery time from alien surgery is apparently much shorter than human surgery, because I was up and going again just two days later. I wasn't even really sore after the first day. Amazing. So, my duties as liaison kicked in and I discovered just what I had signed on for...sometimes my creative ways of getting around certain things lead me into things that I'd really rather not do..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian glared at the man across the room from her, not that he would have noticed her intense look for what it truly was.

She had been called upon for her first official duty as the Cybertronian liaison almost as soon as she had been cleared for 'duty' by Ratchet so by now she almost felt like an old hand at it. She had been to meeting after meeting after meeting with everything from military officials to ambassadors from foreign countries. They had all pretty much requested the same thing; access to the Cybertronian's technology. She thought she had handled them all rather well, approving limited access to things that Optimus had already consented to, and agreeing to review applications for anything further; in other words, take them to the Autobot leader for him to say 'Hell no'...or whatever his equivalent would be.

This man; however, was quickly driving Aurian to the brink of her limits.

"They refuse to share what they have promised!" he shouted angrily, a piece of paper held partially crumpled in his hand.

"Mr. Galloway, as I have explained to you several times now; it was made perfectly clear in the arrangements with the Autobots that no weapons technology would exchange hands with any humans." Aurian quickly flipped through the packet she had been given of the arrangements that had been made between human representatives and the Autobots. "It's printed rather clearly right here: 'The Autobot Cybertronians will freely exchange technological information concerning science, medicine, travel, and construction. Under no circumstances will weapons technology be exchanged for any purpose to any group of peoples either from, or to, the Autobot Cybertronians.' This was agreed upon by all the present governments at the time of the arrangement, which included the United States."

"That was before we knew their war was going to continue here on Earth. They promised a peaceful co-existence. It is only fair that if they are going to continue warring on our planet that we be allowed to study the weapons that are killing our people!"

Aurian really wanted to punch the man, he was frustratingly persistent and he did have a certain point to consider. If, may the Gods forbid it, the Decepticons were to overcome the Autobots, humans would be left with only the weapons they had developed themselves to defeat the greater foe. Not a very good position to be left in by any means. "Even if I were able to approve such a thing – which by both this contract with the United Nations and what liberties I am allowed to take on this contract in the name of humans and Cybertronians alike, I am not – I would be required to provide the information equally world-wide, not just to the United States."

"Ms. Towns. You are an American. Think of your country..."

"Don't pull that on me," Aurian practically growled, "I think of my country every day I have to deal with people like you, Mr. Galloway. I think off the people who live here – and I think of my family. I think of the danger those same people would be in if the Cybertronian's weapons technology were let loose upon the world. Have you thought of that?"

"Have you thought of those same people if these aliens were to turn on us?"

"They wouldn't do that."

"How do you know?"

Aurian hated this man. To the very core of her being, she hated this man. "What reason do you have to think that they will?"

Collapsing into the soft, warm seat awaiting her, Aurian sighed. "I really hate people sometimes."

"He really got you geared up – what did he want?" Sideswipe waited for the woman to settle in his driver's seat before he started his engine and began heading back toward where their transport would be waiting.

"Same as most everyone else; weapons, power, control. He's an idiot."

"Then what's so different about him? You don't usually get that upset."

Aurian sighed. "Because he's an idiot who does research. He's got a few really good points and it wasn't easy to give plausible reasons to deny him other than the treaty. I really don't think that's going to hold him off for very long. Mr. Galloway is dead set on getting what he wants and I get the feeling that he's going to go to the edge of his means to get it."

"Can't you just refuse to see him?" Sideswipe put on a little more speed as they traveled along the highway. Aurian liked it when he went fast; it always made her happy and calmed her down.

"That would only give him more fodder for his cause. He thinks that you guys are intentionally withholding information that, from his point of view, is essential for humans to protect themselves from the Decepticons." She specifically left out that he had not only hinted at, but had clearly thought out the details of the Autobots also turning against the humans.

"You're right," Sideswipe agreed, turning for the airport, "he's an idiot."

Aurian laughed. She was happy to be done for the day and was eager to actually head home. 'Home? When did I start thinking of an off shore military base as 'home'?' She was tired, weary, and ready to relax. "Roger call while I was in there?"

Sideswipe's engine rumbled a little louder. "Five times."

"Oh, that's all? Think maybe he's starting to get over the whole me not telling him about the 'thing'?"

"Hardly," the mech snarled as he entered the loading zone, "he started annoying Sunny."

Sudden panic ran through Aurian. "Sunny didn't hurt him, did he?"

"No. Lucky for the human, the femmes happened to be around."

As they rolled onto the plane Aurian settled back in her seat more comfortably, not having to worry about looking like she was actually driving the eye-catching silver sport car. Sideswipe

likewise leaned the seat back for her, to allow her a much more relaxed position.

"They..." Aurian felt weird saying 'they' when she knew the three bodies to be one being, but it was important that as far as anyone else was concerned that they thought the three femmes were actually three different beings. Only the close knit soldiers of N.E.S.T. that were deployed with the femme and her false comrades would ever be allowed to know the truth either, and it was only a half-truth at that; being told the femmes were of a 'hive mind' allowing them to act as one. It was all to maintain the ruse for the Decepticons. "How'd they stop him from squishing Roddi?"

"Arcee has her ways." The amusement in Sideswipe's voice was enough to play thousand different fanfiction created scenarios through Aurian's mind.

"Are her and Sunstreaker...I mean, it's not really any of my business...you know there were a lot of fictions that had her paired with Bumblebee..."

Sideswipe's entire frame shimmied a little. "No, Arcee and Sunny are not 'an item', as your species calls it."

"Bee?"

"I can't say what the femme and baby-bot have done. None of my business."

"Oh bull-crap!" Aurian laughed as she took in the evasive tone of the mech. "You know something, don't you?"

"No."

"Liar."

"I never lie."

"Ha!" Aurian stuck an accusing finger out toward the dash, "And I'm a one-legged pirate."

"Pirate?"

Their banter continued, not really following any one line of thought but maintaining a lighthearted trend. The flight was easy and they arrived just as the sun was touching the horizon.

Aurian climbed from her comfortable spot once they were off the plane and gazed over the ocean, an easy feeling resting inside her. This was home. Even if her family wasn't here, even if her lifetime of nick-knacks and love-ables had been lost to her, she had found a new place where she could live and feel safe.

The sensation was further set as a group of people came toward the landing strip, talking happily among themselves. Roger was a man who could earn respect and friendships quickly when he chose to, and Diego Garcia had been no different for him. He was well respected among many of the men there; though there were a few with resentment for his sudden 'rank', it was nothing like the struggle Aurian had with these same people. Roger was seen as useful and he didn't hold secrets that he shouldn't; therefore, he was more credible in their minds.

The man had been an utter pain to Aurian since her dismissal from the med bay. He had clearly stated that he was upset by the fact she had not told him there was an anomaly in her that could have been causing her great harm, but more than that he was hurt that she had not trusted him enough to tell him. However, Aurian found his somewhat overbearing concern a little endearing. Roger was concerned for her and after everything that happened she was pretty amazed that he stuck around, let alone worried about her.

"Aurian! How was your trip?" Roger slid up beside her, wrapping one arm around the woman's shoulders as he looked her over, checking for anything amiss.

"Boring." Aurian ignored Roger's inspection, she had really started to become used to it. "I'm hungry; let's grab some food." She nudged the man into action; several of the other people that had come with him agreed with her suggestion loudly and they all headed toward the mess hall.

A faint pang drew Aurian to glance over her shoulder, looking to Sideswipe.

'Don't worry,' he assured her silently over their bond. 'I'll be waiting for you.'

Aurian smiled, sending her appreciation through the bond back to the mech. Ever since the night she had dreamed of Scalpel cutting her open on her own bed, she had not been able to return to her room. She had actually asked someone else to go get her clothes and personal items for her. Now she lived out of a duffel bag and slept in Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's quarters.

None of them had bothered to mention to anyone that Aurian still refused to return to her own quarters. As far as Sunstreaker saw it, this arrangement was easier, considering she still had the nightmares. Sideswipe preferred having the woman close to him, something about her near his spark just made him feel at ease. He put it off to the bond, most of the time. Even a small distance could cause minor discomfort for anyone who shared a bond; he and Sunstreaker had grown accustomed to it, but it seemed he was having a harder time with the new one.

"Aurian?" Roger followed her gaze back to the mech that had acted as her escort and body guard during her most recent liaison excursion. "Hey, uh...after dinner, you mind taking a walk with me?"

"Huh?" Aurian's attention was brought back to the man beside her – she also became very aware of a few sly looks she was getting from the people walking around them. She had come to know most of them pretty well and knew that their looks were connected to whatever Roger was talking about. "I...guess so. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I just thought that things had been so crazy lately that we haven't had much time to spend together. Alone." He brushed his hand over hers, a gesture Aurian had come to accept as him reassuring himself that she was really there. "I...thought it would be nice to have a night like old times."

"Sounds good!" Aurian was being truthful. Even though she had come to accept this new life as hers, and this base as her home, she did still have a longing for the old days. A night with Roger just goofing off and enjoying each others' company sounded fantastic. However, the strange looks and nudges being exchanged between those around them was somewhat disturbing.

The meal went rather well, full of lively conversations and many people coming and going, a few lingering to pat Roger on the shoulder, or whispering something in his ear. Aurian found it all rather odd but put it up to the thoughts that the man had probably weaseled his way into something or another and stirred some things up like he did, gaining some appreciation from those around him.

"Where do you want to go?" Aurian asked as the pair wandered around the base. The night was cooler than most, though still respectfully warm, and the sky was clear. A soft breeze blowing in off the ocean brought pleasant scents from all over the island.

"I don't know, somewhere private?"

Aurian smiled, the perfect place coming to mind. "Come on." Leading the way across the base and into the slim treeline, Aurian found that she was happy to show Roger the place she had so often retreated to for various reasons; to relax, to be alone, to heal, to work out her emotions. She had spent a lot of time with Sideswipe there.

"Wow." Roger looked over the secluded beach. It was perfect.

"Yeah, I love this spot. It's like the rest of the world doesn't exist here and it can just be simple." Settling down on the sand Aurian reveled in the heat still rising from the day's exposure to the sun.

Roger sat beside Aurian, his gaze practically glued to the ocean before them. "So, tell me about what you've been doing."

"Eh, you really want to hear a whole lot of political B.S.?"

"I can't say I really do."

"Didn't think so." Aurian laughed.

"I just want to hear you talk."

Confused, Aurian looked at Roger. Something was up – he was acting very strangely. "Oh..." It seemed to hit her suddenly, and it all made sense. "The facility for the Allspark is ready, huh?"

Roger nodded, his eyes not moving from the ocean. "Optimus informed me while you were gone. The team will be headed out tomorrow morning."

"Oh." She had known this was coming, and she had even known that it would be soon, but being faced with Roger's departure pulled her stomach down to her knees and left her feeling half afraid and half empty.

"I..." Roger shifted awkwardly, looking at Aurian's deflated expression from the corner of his eye. "You sure you don't want to go?"

"Even if I did, I can't now." Aurian started drawing shapeless pictures in the sand.

"Then, would you do me one favor at least?"

"Sure." What harm could it be to promise to call every day? Or to 'try and stay out of trouble'? Or write? Or whatever it was he would ask of her...

"Marry me."

Aurian stared blankly at Roger. He waited expectantly for an answer. "W-what?"

"Marry me."

"I..." Aurian tried to kick her mind into motion. What was she supposed to say? She had never even considered Roger as anything more than a good friend, let alone the idea of settling down to marriage. Sure, he was attractive enough, and she knew him well enough, but did she love him? "I..."

"Aurian...I don't want you to be left alone."

Was that it? He just wanted her to remember that she was never alone? She could never _be_ alone anymore. She had the Autobots, more specifically Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, and the thing that was living in her head with her. 'Alone' was not something she had to even consider anymore. "Roger..."

"Just say yes. I won't make you go with me, I just want to know that...that you'll be with me, forever."

"That's not something I can promise, no one can promise that."

"Okay, then, for as long as we live, give me that."

"But, you're leaving..."

"I'll stay. I'll hand over the project to someone else, get stationed here on base."

Could she honestly ask Roger to abandon everything he had worked so hard for, everything that he had benefited from the chaos she had rained down on his life, for her? Just so that she would be able to hold onto that last shred of her former life? "No."

_Journal entry_ continued_; wounded hearts_

_ Roger didn't take my answer well, I'm sure you can imagine. I just couldn't do it. Once I had time to actually think it over, yeah, I probably could have been happy with Roger for the rest of my life, but that was also the problem. The way things were right now, I didn't know what 'the rest of my life' really was. Maybe I'd live to be an old woman and just die in my sleep like everybody always wants, but with the Decepticons taking interest in me like they had? There was just no way that I could possibly look at life without considering it was very likely that I wouldn't make it to be an old lady. I couldn't do that to him. He'd never understand that._

_ Damn it, he would never understand that!_

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Okay, same as before. In a bit of a rush, so here ya go! Sorry for the lack of notes. Just remember - to those I owe thanks to, I'm really not trying to skimp on you, I love and adore you and each and every one of you deserve no less than a full page of my gratitude...but I'm so short on time. -_-;; Just know I say thank you thank you thank you!**

**~Really quick I want to say that I AM going to run with a new contest. The rules are simple: I have 1 question that I'm seeking an answer to. Whomever answers it correctly (I'll probably take multiple winners on this) will get their choice of prize. I will accept most requests as prizes - as long as it isn't out of line somehow. Thanx!**

**Question: What is the significance of the song that Aurian keeps singing/humming/thinking of but has a hard time with the lyrics of?  
**


	65. Journal Entry 65

_Mk, real quick I want to say WOW to the response to the last chapter...and I also want to say 'don't hate me'. That is all..._

_

* * *

Journal entry; the morning after_

_ Sideswipe knew there was something wrong, but he also seemed to know that he shouldn't ask. Sunstreaker just kept muttering something about it being a long night. I'm not sure what he meant by that though._

_ I...didn't get any sleep that night. Roger was leaving in the morning and I had just given him the worst send off a person could ever give. I was torn between going to wish him well, and hiding my head in shame beneath Sideswipe's berth._

_ At least he wasn't going after Megatron. At least he would be safe._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian sat on the tarmac alone, unwilling to just let Roger go without at the very least saying good bye. She had paid careful attention to how she looked, not wanting the man to know she had been up all night worrying, agonizing over what had transpired between them the night before.

In truth she had thought it over in painful detail and had decided that, if things had been different, she would marry Roger. She did love him, and he would be a great partner in life, but she couldn't ask him to give up any more than she had already caused him to sacrifice.

Waiting for the early hours she knew the team would be departing, Aurian tried to enjoy the last of the dawn's coolness. She was surprised as a warm blanket was draped around her shoulders.

"You should be sleeping." Roger sat down beside the woman. He had known she would be here, that's just the way Aurian was. His own emotions were in a strange turmoil that he was having a hard time shuffling out. He wasn't angry with Aurian for saying no, how could he be? He also thought he understood her reasoning, though he couldn't say he approved of it.

Aurian was thankful for Roger's presence, yet at the same time a little uncomfortable. What would he do? Did he hate her now? Would he push the issue? "I couldn't."

"Me neither. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dropped that on you like that."

"Roger..."

"No, please, just listen for a minute? I just want you to know I understand. I don't hold it against you, and I just hope that someday, after everything is settled down, you'll think about it." He wrapped an arm around Aurian.

"I...have thought about it." Aurian leaned into Roger's embrace. Knowing that he wasn't upset with her was a great relief. "If things were different, I would have said yes."

Roger sat silently for a while. "If things were different?"

"Look at our lives, Roger. You're going away to...I don't even know where, and I'm always going to be gone." She decided not to point out that her own life span was in question at this time. "Even if we did get married, there's no way we could maintain a healthy, let alone functional, relationship."

"So, you're just going to commit to not even trying?" Roger tried to keep the irritation out of his voice. He couldn't be upset with her decisions, Aurian was a rational woman, she wouldn't have come to these conclusions senselessly.

"No."

"Then what?"

"I'm just saying I don't want you to give up what you have for something that may not even work out."

Roger sighed. "Okay." That was something he could grasp. "Then, how about this; I'm due to head the project for three months before we're supposed to make a preliminary report. I'll have to come back here for that, so...what if we see how it works out? Go from there?"

"A trial run?"

"Sort of."

"Roger, that's insane," Aurian laughed.

"So?"

The light was starting to glow on the horizon, time was running out. Aurian felt the pang of longing in her heart just thinking that Roger was leaving her – again – but at the same time, she felt a slight flutter at the idea that they might be more than just friends. If it wasn't official, then what would it hurt if it didn't work out for them? "Okay. Three months isn't so long..." 'Only an eternity when you can't see someone.' Aurian hated herself for that thought, but it was true. Even if she was excited about the prospect of maybe having someone who was to be with her for the rest of her life, she was also looking at a long distance marriage. She'd never heard good things about those. 'Ironhide and Chromia are doing it,' she reminded herself, 'and not just for a few months either.'

Roger couldn't have stopped the smile that crept on his face if he had wanted to. "I was hoping you'd say that." He quickly grabbed Aurian's hand and placed something in her palm. "Think of it as a promise ring, nothing more. You don't even have to wear it, just have it."

Neither of them noticed the flash of silver that slipped from the shadows and vanished behind the larger buildings of the base.

* * *

'Aurian? Are you even listening?' Sideswipe's gentle prod drew Aurian back to the situation at hand. She was supposed to be listening to Optimus. He was giving the two of them instructions on the next place her liaison duties would take her, but she was a little preoccupied.

Refocusing her eyes she could see that Optimus was looking at her, waiting for some response. "Um, sorry...I guess I'm kind of distracted."

Optimus made a sound that both said that he was very aware of that, and that he understood. "Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to take the day off?"

"No, I'd rather not. I'll get it together, I promise." She smiled at Optimus, and sent Sideswipe her assurance that she would get focused through their bond.

"Very well." Optimus leaned back in his seat. His observations of the woman were confusing. He was sure she was having negative emotions toward Roger's departure, which explained most of her actions this morning and had been expected, but she would also have moments of almost giddiness. Looking to Sideswipe proved to only further baffle him as the younger mech was also looking at the woman just as confused. "As I had said, United States Representative Theodore Galloway has requested further audience. It seems he has, what he termed 'crucial information', that he wished to discuss."

"Crucial...I'm sure." Aurian sighed. Mr. Galloway was not someone she wanted to talk to, the man had more pompousness than he had tact. "When am I supposed to meet with him?"

"He has requested a meeting here, on base."

"You told him no, right?"

It was clear from Optimus's expression that he had not enjoyed speaking to the man any more than Aurian had. "We came to an agreement. There is a smaller outpost on the far side of the island. Galloway will be transported there early this evening by an incoming supply shipment."

"So we'll just have to make sure he doesn't wander." Aurian smirked. She could have figured the man would have tried something along these lines. He would likely wait for a moment when the opportunity provided its self for him to go looking for something or another and have him end up on the base at large. "I think we can handle him. How long until he can be transported out?"

"That is one of the complications."

Aurian did not even attempt to hide her annoyance. "The military refuses to make a special trip, huh?"

"And a private plane does not have clearance," Optimus agreed.

"So, until Friday?"

"Will that be a problem for you?"

"Two days with a megalomaniac politician?" The sarcasm in her voice was heavy. "How hard could that be?" She sighed. It would be difficult, but with Sunstreaker and Sideswipe helping her, she was sure she could manage. "Don't worry Optimus. I'll take care of him, I promise."

"I have no doubts that you are capable of it."

Aurian tried to keep from visibly puffing up at the praise. Optimus had been nothing but confident in her from the moment she set out on her first official liaison meeting, but still, when he said so aloud she couldn't help the pride she felt. Optimus Prime was putting his trust in her. A little overwhelming, but something she would have given anything for.

They ended their meeting and Sideswipe carried Aurian from Optimus's office. There would be other things to do before the eminent arrival of the U.S. Representative, but for now Sideswipe had some concerns of his own to be answered. "What's on your mind?"

"Roger."

"You know you don't have to worry about him. He'll be fine."

"I know." Her hand wandered to the necklace she now wore tucked under her shirt. There was no need to make anything public when they didn't know if it was going to work out anyway.

'What is this?' Sideswipe sent her an odd feeling. Well, it would have been an odd feeling if it wasn't what Aurian had been feeling off and on all day.

"I'm just excited. For him." She wasn't sure she wanted to explain the arrangement between her and Roger even with Sideswipe just yet. She would tell him, just not yet.

Sideswipe grunted. He had followed her that morning out to the tarmac, to keep an eye on her. He had remained hidden, offering her the solitude she seemed to be seeking, and remained there even when Roger had come to sit beside her. Though he wasn't entirely sure what they had been disguising, he had heard the word 'marriage' mentioned and a little bit of research taught him that it was something like sparkmateing. What further bothered him was the sheer sense of possessiveness he felt toward her whenever he thought of her becoming bonded to the human. Aurian deserved to be mated with one of her own kind and at least Roger had shown that he would go to great lengths just for her. So why did he feel such anger at the idea?

Aurian leaned into Sideswipe's hand. She was feeling the lack of sleep and the day was going to be a long one.

"You should rest." The mech was all too aware of Aurian's weariness. The woman hadn't had good rest in a long time, let alone the fact that she had not slept that night. She was exhausted.

Aurian couldn't stop the way her heart lurched at the thought of sleep. Yes, she was tired, but Sideswipe had his duties to tend to before they left for the outpost, and Sunstreaker was currently on patrol, which meant that if she slept, it would be alone. "No, I'll be fine."

Venting heavily, Sideswipe quickly ran a check of the availability of everyone on base. "What about in the med bay with Ratchet?"

Again her heart lurched. Sure, with Ratchet watching over her she would be guaranteed safety, but the medic would not easily over look the nightmares she was sure to have. "No, really...I've got things to do anyway."

Sideswipe didn't say anything further. One thing he did understand about Aurian was that when she set her mind on something, there was little he could do to change it. Instead he decided on another plan of action. ::Hey, Jazz. What are you up to for the next joor?::

::Nothin' much, why?::

::I've got a favor to ask.::

* * *

Sabotage. That was the only word Aurian could think of to explain this.

Sideswipe had taken her to the place they often retreated to when Aurian needed to get away, to the same beach where Roger had impromptuly proposed to her. What she found was lunch, a hammock, and Jazz laid out enjoying the sun.

Without so much as a word, Sideswipe set her down and abandoned her to the fate of a lazy afternoon, refusing even to answer her demands for an answer over their bond.

"Hey, don'cha worry lil'lady," Jazz called out from his lax position, "just relax for uh bit, Ah'm not goin' anywhere for uh while."

"Not that I don't appreciate it, Jazz..."

"Don't even think of refusin', you don't have uh choice here." The smaller mech beamed a heartwarming smile at the woman. It was clear, just in that instant, that he was aware of Aurian's sleep turmoils and that he was there to watch over her.

Her traitorous muscles relaxed almost instantly. Jazz may not be able to protect her from the nightmares like Sideswipe could, or pull her away from them like Sunstreaker, but he would be there to wake her if they got too bad...and she was really tired.

Jazz settled easily into his new sentinel duty. After all, how bad was hanging out on a beach under the sun for an afternoon anyway? Not only that, but the only thing requested of him was to keep the exhausted human femme company while she stole a joor of recharge.

The woman was fully in her recharge cycle before Jazz had time to do one scan of the small beach. However, it wasn't much longer past that when she started to whimper softly.

It was more than just a little obvious that the woman was in need of a good recharge cycle and disturbing her in the middle would not help her any. So, instead of waking her, he decided to try other methods. With one hand he nudged the hammock she lay in, causing it to sway slightly and he started humming a soft tune. He was pleased when her whimpering stopped and she settled back into the depths of her recharge.

* * *

Sunstreaker came quietly onto the beach, his expression stern. Sideswipe had said he had left the woman with Jazz so that she could rest before her next liaison mission, he had expected to sense the nightmares. He had not been entirely wrong, he had felt them as they began creeping through their bond, but it seemed just as they would grab hold of her, they faded and she settled into a blissfulness he had not felt in some time.

As he was told, Jazz was sitting near the woman, looking very much like he was in recharge as well; aside from the minute movement of one hand and the low thrumming sounds he was making.

"What are you doing?"

::Quiet,:: Jazz instructed over the comm. link, though he did not show any physical response. ::She's been rechargin' for a while, but Ah'd guess she still needs uh while.::

::How did you get her to sleep without screaming like she was being deactivated?:: Sunstreaker only came close enough to look on the woman. She looked peaceful, the same way she looked when she would sleep curled next to Sideswipe, or when Ratchet drugged her... ::What did you do?::

::Nothin' devious, so quit yer worrin'. She's just rechargin'.::

It took a few more kliks before the young warrior mech registered just what the sounds the saboteur was making were. ::That's a sparkling song...:: He hadn't heard the songs in so long, he had almost forgotten they had ever existed.

Jazz smirked with Sunstreaker's recognition. ::Sure is.::

::It worked?::

::Seems like.::

::How,:: now the younger mech came closer, deciding to sit and wait for the human to wake on her own. After all, this would be the first time in several cycles that she had slept peacefully without some form of 'help'. ::How do you even remember it?::

::Just cause we don't sing 'em much anymore, don't mean they're forgotten.:: For a moment, Jazz lamented the days of the youth sectors, of Floatilla, of sitting in the recharge room and listening as the caretaker femmes sang soft sounds of comfort to the sparklings and younglings there. For a moment he was sad, and then he was angry, and then he felt the loss. So many innocent sparks had been destroyed, for what? No one could clearly answer that. Not even Barricade had been able to disclose the treachery behind the attack there other than it was Megatron's claim to removing the weak link in their race, which hardly seemed believable.

"You know..." the soft, groggy voice drew the attention of both mechs, "If you wanted to chat, you should have just done it. That sound is horrible."

Sunstreaker got to his feet quickly. "If your up, we need to be going."

Grunting her understanding, though clear disinterest, Aurian rolled herself out of the hammock to land not-so-gracefully on the sand below. "Places to be, people to keep from causing mischief."

"Ha!" The saboteur helped Aurian back to her feet even as he laughed at her mumblings. "You? Keepin' other's out of mischief? Why does that seem a bit contradictory?"

"Maybe," Aurian found herself laughing at the thought, "But who better to keep one curious troublemaker in his place than another curious troublemaker? Besides that, I think I've got him beat in the mischief making area, so there's not much he can do that I haven't already done, right?"

"Right," Jazz agreed sarcastically. "Well, good luck then. From what Ah've heard, this Galloway isn't an easy one ta deal with."

"Not easy. That's one way to put it. Asshole is another." She stretched and yawned as hard as her body would let her. If nothing else, Aurian had to admit that some of her aches and pains were gone at least, and her head felt a bit clearer than it had in a while. "I've met with some pretty stubborn people in my life," she couldn't help the smirk that took over when Jazz immediately looked at Sunstreaker, "But this man takes the cake. Runs with the cake actually. Big, selfish, cake-keepin' jerk," she continued to ramble for a few more minutes about the man she was due to meet with shortly, until Sunstreaker interrupted her little rant.

"Are you ready to go? The shipment is due to arrive in two Earth hours and I'd like to have a chance to secure the location before that."

"Right." Aurian sighed. "Lets go then."

Much to Aurian's surprise, Sunstreaker took on his vehicle mode and opened the passenger side door. After that one foolhardy trip to rescue Sideswipe, Sunstreaker had not allowed her to ride in his alt mode, it was always Sideswipe. He would carry her if he had to, but only in his hands.

"What are you waiting for? Lets go." The snap in Sunstreaker's voice was not unexpected, but it did jar Aurian enough to get her moving.

Once inside she did her best to not move, knowing that disturbed the golden mech to a point she bordered on calling a phobia. She thought of asking him 'why', but it seemed even as the word formed in her brain, he had already known she was going to ask it.

"Because it's faster this way. We don't have a lot of time. Just...sit still." The mech took off as fast as he could get his tires to grab at the sand and headed for the far side of the island. He would never admit it aloud, but he felt a little relived that the constant pressure of exhaustion was somewhat alleviated from their bond. He was almost jubilant, and that was a dangerous thing.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; never ask a smiling mech_

_ Okay, so Sunstreaker's boosted mood did not escape my notice. Neither did it go unseen that Sideswipe easily reflected this mood. There was trouble brewing, of that I was sure...but what they were up to? I couldn't get even an inkling off of either bond. Whatever they were doing, they didn't want anyone to know. I had a really bad feeling._

_ Mr. Galloway arrived late, the cargo plane he was due to arrive on had experienced some rough flying apparently and had been diverted for a few hours. When he did arrive, it was to be escorted to his quarters by a hand full of soldiers that were staying at the outpost with us. He wasn't entirely pleased, but I guess even politics need their beauty sleep..._

_ The next morning however...that was going to be another story._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_KK, like I said. Don't hate me. ^_~_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere


	66. Journal Entry 66

_Journal entry; trying not to explain_

_ Well, as I had grown accustomed to, I slept near Sideswipe that night to keep the worst of my dreams away. I'm still not sure why his presence stopped them, but I'm not going to complain one bit. I honestly enjoyed being close to the mech. He was just so...soothing to me. I don't know. It's weird, I know._

_ However, it didn't seem quite as weird as it did when Galloway asked me why I slept in a car all night...the man had been spying on me. Yeah, that went over well._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What I do is my business, and you'll do well to just drop it."

"It was an innocent question Ms. Towns. I was just curious. Is there a reason you're avoiding friendly conversation?" Galloway looked at her over his breakfast, one eyebrow raised, looking the epitome of a man questioning his teenaged daughter's actions the night previous.

"I really like my car." Aurian smiled, "I mean, it's a one of a kind after all. There probably won't be another Stingray like that built ever again." It was the truth...well, a half-truth anyway. She was starting to find it easier to give the half-truths anymore, as much as she despised it.

"Is that so?" He sat up, looking interested in what Aurian had said. "So, it _was_ built? Was it a gift from the aliens you represent?"

'Uh-huh, so that's your game, is it?' Aurian shrugged, as though it were nothing notable to consider. "It was more efficient for me to have means of travel aside from airplanes and boats."

"That's an awfully pricey 'gift' for something that's supposed to be so functional."

Nodding, Aurian concentrated on her own breakfast. "What kind of car do you drive?"

"It's a custom German car. I paid for it myself."

Aurian was pretty sure the last bit was supposed to be offensive, but it only caused her smile to deepen. "With the public's money, I'm sure."

"Excuse me, Ms. Towns. I work for what I have." Galloway's tone was accusing, she knew exactly what he meant by that.

"Oh! I know you do, Mr. Galloway. That's what you're doing here, with me, eating breakfast. I'm very aware that you earn every dollar you receive."

"I don't like your tone."

"And I don't like the way you're talking down to me. Fair?" Aurian met the man's glare head on. She had nothing to fear from him.

"Alright. I see how this is going to go. What is it you want Ms. Towns?"

"What _I_ want? We're not here to talk about what I want. We're here to discuss the 'critical information' you've acquired that facilitated this short notice meeting. What is it that _you_ want, Mr. Galloway?" She carefully kept her tone level, non-aggressive, and open.

Galloway transitioned easily into his professional mode. The alien ambassador was correct, he was here for something, and he was determined to get it. "As I pointed out to you last time, we, as humans, have been put in a rather precarious position by the presence of these aliens. They fight on our planet, killing hundreds. I want to know why we are not improving our defenses with the information that these aliens can provide us to protect ourselves from them."

Coaching herself internally, Aurian counted down from ten, telling herself that he wanted her to get upset, to be off guard so that he could find some flaw that would allow him to get what he was after. "Mr. Galloway, I've already told you why we cannot get that information."

"I understand, I'm sure you've done everything in your power to do so." Maybe if Aurian was half dumb, or a child, she would believe his words were not accusing. "The only reason I am here is to go over the incident reports. There have been an alarming number of reports of 'giant alien death matches' across the globe. This cannot continue if these aliens are to remain out of the public eye, as was our agreement with them."

"You're concerns are valid." Aurian couldn't argue that, from the reports she had spent the time to actually read, a large number of them were starting to contain eye-witness reports and military cover-ups.

"I just want to see the operations here, to know that these issues are being seen to." His voice shifted to something smooth, self-assured, everything that made Aurian's skin crawl.

"I cannot allow that."

Galloway stood from his seat, leaning heavily on the table. "You cannot deny my rights, as a United States Representative here on this island, to tour the facility that's supposed to be working to protect us from an enemy that we're not even allowed to see."

"As it is a top clearance facility, and you do not have top clearance, I can." Aurian smiled despite the man's imposing posture. She thought she would give him something to ease his mind somewhat, or, perhaps annoy him further. Whichever way it went, Aurian was pretty sure she'd be okay with it. "If I could, I would gladly show you around, but as per the military's strict regulations, my hands are tied."

"I'm sure." The man plopped down in his seat. It was clear that demanding to see the base wasn't going to work. He had been trying to convince the President to give him clearance for the N.E.S.T. project practically since it's creation and had only been granted partial access. Apparently the President was of a like mind with the Secretary of Defense and believed N.E.S.T. to be functioning properly. Galloway, obviously, did not. "There have been several attacks across the globe," he brought his voice down to a more informative tone, verging on grieved with the information he was speaking, "people are dying."

"I am aware of that."

"Then since you can't show me, tell me; what is being done about it?"

Aurian leaned forward. "Mr. Galloway, what you have to understand is the difference between Autobots and Decepticons. The Autobots are doing their best to preempt the Decepticon attacks, try to draw them away from inhabited areas so that any casualties will be minimal at worst.

"Decepticons; however, have no such desires. They revel in causing us harm and destruction.

"The Autobots are doing their best, but this is war..."

"_Their war!_" Galloway snapped.

"Yes," Aurian sighed softly, "their war that we are not entirely innocent of. We are not misplaced by-standers in all of this. We held Megatron as not only a captive, but as an experiment, a thing to be studied but never understood. Do you wonder why he wanted to destroy us?"

"But he is dead! Why does this war continue? I thought these Decepticons would flee with their leader dead."

"Would the U.S. stop fighting a war if the president were killed?"

"Is that a threat?"

Aurian just barely kept from rolling her eyes. "Hardly. It is a point of view." She made sure to keep her voice level and calm. "A human killed Megatron; their leader. If the rolls had been reversed, if one of them had killed the President – used as a hypothetical example, noting more – what would we, as U.S. citizens have done?"

"That's different."

"How?"

"We didn't invade their planet."

* * *

'That human is a pain in the aft.' Sunstreaker sat beside his brother in his alt mode. They were under very strict orders not to reveal that they were anything more than cars so long as the United States representative was around.

'Sunny, of all the descriptive insults you know, I think that is the most understated you could have come up with. That flesh-bag is obviously crude oil that's grown some kind of viral life force and slithered up from the deepest, coldest parts of the Pit, purely to make everyone's existence as miserable as possible.' Sideswipe had to focus on keeping his engine still. The human was raising Aurian's anger well past a reasonable point and he wasn't pleased in the least bit.

It wasn't so much that Sideswipe was more affected than Sunstreaker, but while Sideswipe's frustration was coming in a more vocal form, Sunstreaker's was attempting to take on more physical presence.

'I say we just smash the place and hope he get's taken out by the collapsing building.'

'If Aurian weren't inside...'

'We can call her out...'

Words ceased between them, but a conversation still went on of all the horrible things they could do and comparing them to what they could get away with, or what they were willing to suffer the consequences of, built completely of images and emotions. Here and there the twins were provided a rather descriptive image to fuel their fantasies from the third part of their bond.

Come lunch the twins had some rather detailed plans set, though whether or not they would use them had yet to be decided.

Aurian emerged from the building she had spent the entire morning with the representative she was coming to hate. She looked as though she had been set free after an eternity of captivity.

'Just let us get rid of him, then you won't have to deal with his slag anymore.' Sideswipe opened his door for the woman, as he usually did.

Eyes going wide for an instant, Aurian looked behind her to see if Galloway may have followed her outside. "You can't do that here, Sides." She slipped inside, wanting to talk with the mechs but not willing to look entirely insane by speaking with two parked vehicles.

"Sorry," Sideswipe spoke over the radio, "habit."

"It's okay, you just have to be careful. I've got the notion this guy would happily cart all of you off for dis-assembly and experimentation. He's got tricks he hasn't even revealed yet, I'm sure of it."

"All the more reason for us to get rid of him now," Sunstreaker snarled, his voice also coming through Sideswipe's speakers.

Groaning, Aurian relaxed into the seat resting her head against the window. Of everything she'd been through, these debates with Galloway seemed more draining than anything. "That would be nice, but it wouldn't solve the problem. Another one would come along, and who's to say the next one wouldn't be worse than he is. At least he has the sense of mind to try and follow legal lines. He's full of himself, but he's still acting like a politician."

"Are they all like him?" Sideswipe adjusted himself for Aurian, providing her the most comfort he could.

"No, most of the people I've had to deal with so far are rather nice. They all want more power, more technology, weapons, but most of them accept that their nation's treaty with us is the end all to anything beyond what Optimus is offering." She could feel her eyes drifting shut, she was warn out.

Sideswipe felt her weariness. "How long until you have to go back?"

"We won't meet again until after lunch."

The three allowed silence to settle between them, the two mech's giving Aurian the chance to rest; however it was not long before Aurian was humming to herself.

'It's that same tune she was humming all the way to find you.' Sunstreaker told his brother. They kept their conversation between them not wanting to bother Aurian.

'She sings it at night a lot,' Sideswipe hadn't paid too much attention to the tune other than the fact Aurian would always say she knew it, but couldn't remember the words most of the time. 'I've looked for it, but can't find anything that matches.'

'Maybe its one of those sparkling songs the humans have.'

'Maybe.'

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep..." Aurian mumbled the words to the tune she hummed before she sighed. "That song is always stuck in my head." She sat for a moment longer before she sat up, reaching for the door handle, "I should go back. It'll look a little too revealing if I sat out here all afternoon. He's already suspicious."

Sideswipe didn't keep her from leaving, though he wanted to. It bothered him that she would willingly sacrifice her comfort to keep them 'hidden'. He could feel through their bond that Aurian wanted nothing more than to stay with them, to forget the duties she had taken on, but she was unwilling to disappoint Optimus. She was loyal in a way he couldn't quite believe from someone who was not one of their kind.

The Autobots that followed Optimus followed him because he was a strong leader, powerful in more than just physical presence. He created a belief in them that what they fought for was real and achievable, that it was not pointless. There was never a doubt in his processor why any Cybertronian would lay their loyalties with the mech, but a human? Yes, there were many soldiers that fought with them, beside them, and they were loyal to their comrades; both alien and human, but not in the same way Aurian was.

'That's why Optimus chose her.' Sunstreaker answered the lingering question in his brother's processor. 'He knows her loyalty is more than just words.'

'But why? Why is she so loyal to aliens she's only known for a short time.'

'She claims to have known us longer than we've known of them.'

'At this point I really don't think it's a claim.' Sideswipe thought of all the stories she had told him, of all the questions she had asked that revealed her knowledge of things that she should have no way of knowing, of her tails of 'fanfictions' and a 'fandom' that revolved around their race and their war. 'That still doesn't explain it.'

'She's...different.' Sunstreaker's tone was begrudging. He didn't like to admit that Aurian stood out even to him, that she was more than any of the other humans in his optics.

'That's obvious.'

Both mech's sat pondering the woman that they had come to appreciate more than what Sideswipe had really thought possible, and more than what Sunstreaker really felt comfortable with.

'That human is a pain in the aft,' Sunstreaker repeated.

'Understatement of the vorn...'

* * *

Aurian wasn't big on 'prayers', but that night she prayed. She prayed for good weather in the morning so that Galloway could be on his way bight and early.

They had turned in early. It had been a long day of talking in circles, all coming back to the same thing. Galloway believed they had rights to the Cybertronian's weapons technology and Aurian had to keep denying him, though the reasons she had to deny him were growing thin. There was no way she would ever willingly give the man the information he was demanding, even if she could, but still he had some points she couldn't just over look.

Laying on the bed she had claimed as her own for the night, Aurian wondered whether it was worth it to stay here rather than going back outside and taking refuge with Sideswipe again. Galloway had not easily dropped the issue previously that Aurian was so attached to the 'car', she was sure he was assuming that it was one of the aliens in disguise. She really didn't think it was a good thing to feed into that suspicion.

'We're both right here,' Sideswipe answered Aurian's unasked question, 'just rest. There's nothing to worry about.'

"What if the nightmares come back?" She felt like such a child. Afraid of being alone because some unseen 'monster' would get her, afraid of the dreams she would have.

'Like he said,' Sunstreaker added, sounding bored by the conversation, 'we're right here.'

"What's the weather like?"

Sideswipe was caught a little off by the question. 'Clear, why?'

"Just being hopeful is all."

* * *

Stepping through the glass doors into the lobby was somewhat nostalgic. She wasn't entirely sure why it felt that way, only that it did.

"Morning Aurian!" One of her co-workers called out to her with a hearty wave.

"Hi Connie. How are you today?"

"Good, how are you?" The customary conversation of inner office friends. It all seemed like the daily routine, nothing was different, nothing had changed.

"I'm fine."

"Good!" Connie beamed cheerily. "I'm glad."

For a flash, Connie's work area vanished, replaced by something hardly recognizable. Aurian could only look at the torn spot, wondering if Connie had been there when it was destroyed. Then it returned to normal and Aurian continued about her daily routine.

Looking over her workstation as she did every morning she found a bit of tech that she hadn't noticed there before today. It was probably about the size of her leg and a brushed metal chrome color. 'How could I have missed it?' She wondered while at the same time concluding that it must have just arrived that morning. There's no way she could have missed something so sleek and shiny as that little device. "What is it?" She questioned the new item of her curiosity. There were no orders attached to it, no delivery slips, nothing at all. What was she supposed to do with it?

"That was recovered from the Mission City incident." Roger informed her. Something about his appearance at her workstation today seemed so familiar. Not that he didn't come by her station often, sometimes he even joined her with projects there, but today...it seemed like she had done all this before. "They gave it to me, but I'm not as good with reverse engineering as you are so I thought I'd give you the first cut." Roger leaned over her work station to see the device a little better. "You want it?"

'They gave it to him...' "Are you an idiot, Roddi? Of course I want it! But what is it?"

"Don't know." Roger admitted. "It was found in all the mess at Mission City with some other unidentified derbies. This was the only thing that looked like it might be something."

"Mission City? What happened there?" 'I know this...' Her heart picked up a few beats. She knew all of this.

Roger sighed and almost slammed his head on the table, "Don't you ever read the paper? Watch the news? Anything involving current events?"

"You know me Roddi, I'd rather be surprised when it hits me than listen to all that dreary stuff."

"Well, surprise!" He waved his hands at the thing before them. "Mission City was mysteriously attacked, or as some of the reports say, there was a 'military mishap'," he crooked his fingers in the quotations gesture, "that destroyed a good portion of the city. When the cleanup began there was a lot of unknown metals and other things found. This little gem was amongst it and was spirited away to us under the radar." Roger scooted around the table to stand next to Aurian and tapped at the thing roughly, "I couldn't even figure out where to begin so it's all yours."

As Roger spoke, Aurian noticed a flash of red behind him, through the doors that lead back out to the lobby. A red Audi R8 sat in the lobby looking through the glass, observing. 'Car's don't 'observe'...he'll never blend in like that.' What was she thinking? No, it was right. That car was watching them and he was out of place. Still, she continued her excited conversation with Roger as if she had not seen the odd Audi. "You're the best Roddi!" She lept on the man, hugging him close. 'This is right.' She thought warmly.

"Yeah, yeah, you remember that when the next spytop comes in."

"Promise." She agreed eagerly.

'Why haven't you told me?' The voice floated through her thoughts. It was not her own but it felt like it belonged, so she didn't pay it much attention. Instead she turned her attentions from Roger and the strange car behind him to the object she had only moments before been so eager to get to work on. However, looking at it now, it had changed to something else entirely.

Instead of looking at the brushed metal piece of tech, there was a small, broken shard of carved metal. "You don't belong here." She was angry. She wasn't sure why, but she was angry.

Screams and the sounds of demolition filled the air. Chunks of cement and bits of metal flew all around her, but Aurian's eyes remained fixed on the shard. It didn't belong there and that was bothering her. It didn't fit into this scenario.

Suddenly the shard was gone, replaced by a form she would know anywhere. Terror instantly filled her as the little mech clicked his sharp limbs on the table.

"No!" She screeched at the small medic.

He just laughed at her.

'He can't touch you.' Another voice, just as familiar as the one before, came into her mind with a pushing sensation. It was almost as if it was driving her away from the thought of the nightmare perched just before her.

'Nightmare,' that was the key. She had to remember that Scalpel meant she was having a nightmare.

'Yes, it's just a nightmare,' the voice reaffirmed.

Even as Aurian allowed the thought to sink in, the image before her changed. She was no longer in the once familiar, yet so long left behind, laboratory she used to work in. Instead she stood looking over it's aftermath. 'How many people died?'

'Don't think about it.'

It was easy to follow the instructions of the voice. Aurian turned away; however a single sound came back to send shivers through her, the clicking of tiny claws against metal. "Scalpel..."

'He's not there.'

She could feel him on her, touching her, digging at her.

'He's not there!' The voice more ordered than informed her.

But she could _feel_ him.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; Murphy_

_ Murphy's law is that anything that can go wrong, will. I'm well versed in this law and getting further educated in it every day it seems._

_ The nightmare had been mild, but it was enough to leave me waking up screaming with someone pounding on my door._

_ Apparently Galloway, who had not been more than a few doors away from my room, had heard me crying out through the dream about someone 'tearing me apart'. I told him that it was dreams from a bad accident I'd had a few years back..._

_ So the question of my scars came up._

_ Despite being a politician, an asshole, and stubborn beyond what could even be considered a quality, Galloway apparently had a soft spot for post traumatic stress disorder. Of course I didn't tell him the truth...but somehow I don't think it mattered._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**And here you have another chapter! Okay, so it's not a very interesting chapter, but a needed one anyway...if you thought you hated Galloway before. LOL!**_

_**Anywho! Don't forget to take a hit at my currently running contest: What is the significance of the song Aurian keeps humming/singing but can't seem to remember all the words to? I'll give you clues as I go along, so here is your first:**_

_**Clue 1: The song is titled Firefly (I know this may not seem very helpful to many of you who already knew that, but it's only clue 1. ^_~)  
**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere


	67. Journal Entry 67

_Journal entry; grand sendoffs!_

_ The morning came and went easily to the lost sleep of the night before. We were both woken up by soldiers saying that it was time for the plane to be leaving and that if we had any unfinished business, now was the time for it._

_ Honestly I was tempted to tell them to send the jerk off with my best regards and just roll over to catch a few more hours sleep, but that wouldn't have been very 'ambassador'-like of me._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Thank you for meeting with me again, Ms. Towns." Galloway offered his hand to the woman. He even smiled a little. It gave Aurian the creeps.

"Anytime, Mr. Galloway." Though her thoughts were more of the lines of; 'if I never have to see you again...'

When they released hands Galloway turned to leave, but stopped after only a few steps. "You know, if they've done something to you..."

"No, Mr. Galloway, the Autobots have caused me no harm. Thank you for your concern." The man had hinted that Aurian might only be serving as their liaison because she was being manipulated by them. Aurian had done her best not to tell the man the difference between how the Autobots treated her, and how much of her mental and physical scaring came from the Decepticons. Instead she had simply derailed his implications with a few of her own; that he was being manipulated by the government to continue his demands for things he wasn't allowed to have.

Galloway studied the woman for a moment, her expression was sincere. She didn't believe that these aliens had been the cause of any of her current struggles, but he still had his doubts. "All right, Ms. Towns. Until next time."

"Until then." Aurian did not turn away until Galloway was on the plane and it was moving. She didn't trust the man not to try sneaking off the transport before it took off, just so that he could try and glimpse for himself the aliens that he was not allowed to see.

'That man is more trouble than he's worth.'

'That's not true,' Sideswipe argued with his twin, 'he'd have to be worth something to be more trouble than it.'

"So true," Aurian laughed. The twins were still parked in the lot on the other side of the building, waiting for the plane to be out of sight before they moved.

'Well, then I guess we've wasted our time on worthless trouble.' The tone to Sunstreaker's voice was verging on evil. Impish, was the best comparison Aurian could think of.

'Complete waste.' Sideswipe agreed, his tone matching his brother's a little too well for her comfort.

"What did you two do?"

'Nothing.' They both intoned at the exact same moment; a clear testament that they had indeed done 'something'.

"Is this going to come back on me somehow?" She started walking toward the parking lot, glad that this two day debate was finally over, with Galloway having nothing more than he had the last time they had parted ways. Well, aside from some personal knowledge of her that is.

'No,' the silver twin assured her.

"Is it going to come back on the Autobots in any way?" It still stunned her to feel the thrill in her heart that she did when she would see the twins sitting side by side. She loved to see them together, and she loved even more that they were there waiting for her.

'No,' this time the golden twin answered, no room for any doubt in his voice.

"Is it going to affect the N.E.S.T. team at all?" At this neither answered right away. Aurian got the sensation that the soldiers had not entirely been considered in the actions they had taken. "Guys?"

'Uh...' Sideswipe stalled, 'well, I guess there's a chance that they might be a little inconvenienced.'

"How so?"

'Lets just say; the human will not be returning home in any reasonable amount of time.' Sunstreaker's engine revved as Aurian climbed inside Sideswipe.

"What? Why?"

'Well, you know human navigational systems are pretty primitive...'

'Working off of the planets magnetic field...' Sunstreaker added as though Aurian might not have known.

'They can foul up so easily.' Sideswipe finished.

"What did you do?"

'Nothing.' Again they both claimed in unison.

"'Nothing' my ass!" Aurian smacked Sideswipe's steering wheel. "What did you do?"

'I may have...'played' with the systems in the plane.' Sideswipe admitted finally.

'Upgraded. It just depends on how fast the human pilots can comprehend the new system.' Sunstreaker made it sound as if they had done nothing but good for those involved.

"It won't put any of them in danger, will it?"

'The humans are perfectly safe,' Sunstreaker assured her.

Aurian sighed. There was nothing she could do to fix what they had done now...and she did have to admit she was amused, at least a little. "You guys are trouble."

'So we've been told.' Sunstreaker led the way back to the main base, but a thought from his twin nudged at him. Aurian was rather tense...perhaps a detour was in order. With another roar of his engine he took off. It had been far too long since the twins had raced each other and now seemed as good a time as any.

* * *

Aurian enjoyed her job. She met new people practically every day, worked hand in hand with Optimus and several different human ambassadors. She had even gotten to know many of them by first name, though she always had to remain cautious of becoming too familiar with any of the diplomats so that she wasn't inclined to give to one what she would not give to another. All information had to be equal to prevent favoritism, or worse – war.

Finally Aurian felt like she was being of use, rather than being a burden to those around her, and she enjoyed that feeling. After all, what more could a fangril ever ask for than to be a pivotal part of some of your very fandom's greatest character's duties on Earth?

Sideswipe usually escorted Aurian on her ambassador missions, taking opportunities once they were on the mainlands to enjoy a bit of freedom seldom experienced during N.E.S.T. missions. He found the challenge of street races a trifle, but the challenge of not being caught due to the repercussions it would have not only on himself but on Aurian, that was what he enjoyed. It helped that Aurian seemed to enjoy the thrill as much as he did.

Sunstreaker had been banned from escorting Aurian after one incident involving some car enthusiasts, several totaled vehicles, and an early end to a meeting that was scheduled to last for several days. The cover-up for that incident took weeks to set into place, but the end arrangement was fine by Sunstreaker. The less time he had to sit around in a parking lot doing nothing, the better. Though admittedly he envied Sideswipe and Aurian their unscheduled trips on the mainlands.

Before Aurian had realized it, a month had passed, and then two. She hadn't even had a moment to think of Roger, or the anomaly, the Allspark shard or the woman she was sure was of its creation, or anything else for that matter. Except for the nightmares that is.

It seemed every night was a new challenge as she dealt with varying levels of realness within the dreams. At times she could easily convince herself that it was nothing but a dream and that was it; however, other times would force Sideswipe or Sunstreaker to wake her, telling her that she was safe and there was nothing to be afraid of. Still, no matter how many times it happened, there were times she could swear that Scalpel was there, but he would always seem to disappear just before one of the twins showed up and they never saw him. It had to be hallucinations of her overworked mind.

One thing that she always made sure she had time for, other than to meet with Optimus and her occasional checkups with Ratchet, was Barricade.

She was convinced that if she could talk him into just claiming neutrality, they could begin the process of getting him integrated with the base. He wouldn't have to fight, he wouldn't have to choose between his former comrades and the Autobots, and he could live outside of a cell. She was just so sure of it.

"Why won't you give it a chance?" Aurian pleaded.

"Why should I?"

"Because you have nothing to lose!"

"Aside from everything that is left of who I am."

Aurian almost had a snappy come back for that, until she registered the words that had been spoken. "What do you mean by that?"

"What? Optimus hasn't told you _that_?" Barricade turned his head so he could see the woman that had come almost religiously to pester him. "You should inquire as to the process. I think you'll find it...interesting."

The smirk on Barricade's face was something Aurian didn't like in the least. It was smug, knowing, and cold. "'Cade, just tell me. I don't understand why everything has to be so complicated with you."

"Because I'm a Decepticon."

"No your not!" Aurian growled to herself. It seemed to her that Barricade enjoyed pulling her strings, getting her riled up and yelling. "I mean, you don't have to be."

"You don't have to be an Autobot pet, and yet you still do it."

"I'm not a pet! Damn it, 'Cade..." It wasn't his comments that frustrated Aurian, it was that every time she thought she had taken a step toward his freedom, he would point out another flaw in her plans. Optimus didn't seem to think it was all that troublesome; all Barricade had to do was to agree that he would sever his ties to the Decepticon's. Why then, did Barricade seem to think that there were more strings attached than that? "Will you at least accept a no conflict arrangement?"

"How do you purpose that would work?" To tell the truth, Barricade didn't revel in the thought of living in this Autobot brig for the rest of his existence, but at the same time, he feared what would happen if he agreed to any of the Autobot terms. Not that he would admit that to anyone

"I don't know, I'd have to work out the details...but simply agree to not fight."

"Become a neutral."

"Yes."

"We've discussed that already, human. It will not work."

Aurian closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and mentally counted down from ten. She could see the answers right in front of her, but unless Barricade agreed to _give_ somewhere, they would make no progress. "What terms would you set for yourself then, 'Cade? If the rolls were reversed, what would you expect from a potential neutral party?"

"Deactivation."

"What?" Aurian nearly fell from her own rage at that very moment. "You'd rather die than to give _anything_ else a try?"

"That is not what I said. You asked if the rolls were reversed, what would _I _expect. Decepticon's do not make deals for neutral parties, they deactivate them."

"You...you are very single minded, aren't you?" Aurian stepped back, as if she were thinking of leaving. "What do you have to fear from becoming a neutral, 'Cade? You know the Autobots won't kill you if you remain a neutral."

"I don't fear the Autobots."

"Then what is it about becoming a neutral that has you so afraid."

"I am afraid of nothing."

"Prove it."

Barricade stared at the small organic creature before him. She was so little compared to him, so weak and fragile, yet here she was challenging him to prove himself? This human was either very intelligent, or very stupid, he wasn't sure which at that moment. "What?"

Aurian knew that she was taking a huge risk, and that she was going to have to spend hours upon hours explaining herself for this one, foolishly daring action, but she could not take the negotiations any more. Barricade was a good mech, she was sure of it. He deserved to be given a chance and Optimus was willing to give him that chance. Granted there were conditions, but Aurian had no worries of those conditions not being met. So, quickly walking forward she accessed the human key terminal and did what she did best.

When she walked away the terminal looked just as it had before she had torn it apart, however the faint 'clicking' sound indicated that the coding holding the bars in place had been released.

Barricade didn't move. He simply watched the human femme walk away at an agitated clip. There was no way she had done what he just thought she had done. It made no sense at all. He had given no indication that he would comply with any of the terms set on him by the Autobot leader, there was no reason for the human to believe that he wouldn't simply destroy whatever he could before he was stopped. Yet she had continued to speak to him as though she thought differently.

Touching the barred doors he found the energies that usually ran through them to keep him from easily tearing apart the inferior metals and gaining his own freedom were gone. Not only that but the door slid out of his way, granting him that freedom with no effort on his part.

'Now what?' He thought to himself.

* * *

Aurian stood nervously in the center of the circle of very, very aggravated Cybertronians and military personnel. She had known it would come to this, had prepared for it in the ten minutes it had taken her to walk from the prison block to the main hub of the base; however she had not expected it to happen so quickly.

"I know it seems like a really big risk, but you have to trust me!" She began pleading long before any accusations were set on her.

"Why is that?" Ironhide demanded coldly.

Aurian wanted to sink into the pavement beneath her feet, even Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were not going to save her this time. From their disapproving glares and the almost painfully violent anger she felt through their bond, she had gone a step beyond saving. "Because I _know_ it's going to work out. I swear on my life..."

"On your life?" The femme drone that was supposed to be Chromia crouched down to the woman's level, an evil look in her optics. "You're very existence?"

She was shaking like a leaf now. Even if that wasn't the _real_ Chromia, that drone was programed to _act_ like Chromia and Aurian had a healthy respect for the femme the drone was imitating. "On everything that is left of who I am, I swear."

There was the instant high-pitched sound of the Cybertronian's communicating on their private links, and plenty of rather violent motions to go along with it, but Aurian's attention switched to the humans that were gathered around her.

"You've done some pretty fool things, Aurian, but this?" Rob shook his head, his expression trapped somewhere between complete confusion and bordering rage. "What were you _thinking_?"

"Rob, I know it's really hard for you to believe me. You've seen what he can do, and I realize that's all you have to go on, but I know more than that."

"You have stories." Will stated flatly. Aurian wasn't sure if she was more disturbed by Rob's mixed expression, or the total lack of one on Will's face. "You yourself have said that they're not all true."

"I know, but..."

"He a _Decepticon_, for Heaven's sake!" Harper nearly shook from his level of anger. He had become rather familiar with Aurian, and to say he didn't trust her was wrong. He _did _trust her, and that was what was bothering him so deeply right this moment. He had been in Mission City, he had seen the death and destruction the Decepticon's could bring upon them and he had placed all that anger and vengeance toward the captured Decepticon in their brig. However, Aurian trusted him...

"Only by name." Everyone was stunned when Optimus spoke. He had not been pleased with the actions of their human ambassador, but he could see the reasoning behind her actions. Barricade had proven beyond doubt in his processor, that he had turned away from the path of a Decepticon. It was only a name, only a title. Besides, looking at the mech as he crept into the light of day for the first time in months, he could not deny that perhaps this was the chance he needed to realize he could finally walk away.

The others turned to watch as Barricade stepped cautiously from the cell block, unknown to him that he was being so openly observed. His actions were slow, cautious, perhaps even a little atrophied. After all, he had spent plenty of time with very limited movement and had suffered some rather critical damages.

"I should just shoot him now, be done with it." Ironhide growled, his voice low and menacing, but not carrying farther than the collected group.

"No, Ironhide. He deserves a chance." Optimus admonished.

"Chance?" Arcee spoke up this time, though her voice carried much further than Ironhide's had. "No mech that has done the things _he_ has deserves a chance!"

"Arcee, watch yourself. You do not know all of the story." Optimus was not entirely against Arcee's feelings, only that he knew sometimes beings did things in the name of war that did not represent their core self. Perhaps that had been one of those times for Barricade. After what Aurian had told him that Barricade had revealed to her, he believed that was the case.

"I don't need all of the story..."

"Arcee." It was a warning and an order all at once. While Optimus knew the femme's reason's for how she felt, and he did not blame her for it, he also could not have her taking out her frustrations on a possible ally.

"Yes, sir." Instantly the femme and her two drones stood down, moving somewhat away from the group, removing herself from any further conversation on the matter.

Ironhide's cannons continued to spin and click with his own aggravation. He wanted so badly to just blow the mech from the face of this planet, but he couldn't. Not only because Optimus ordered it, but because the mech had a femme somewhere, and a sparkling – if he was to believe the reports of a carrying hold. He couldn't punish a sparkling for the actions of its creator, nor could he punish an unknown femme for the same reasons. The fact that he had risked his very spark for the sake of a human weighed heavily on his desire to offline the mech as well. Barricade had saved Aurian. He didn't have to, he could have turned her in and earned his way back into the ranks of the Decepticons again, but he hadn't. "Should just shoot him, be done with it." He grumbled again, though this time it was to himself.

* * *

He had been oblivious when he had first stepped into the light of this planet's sun that he was being watched by so many, though to tell the truth right that moment, Barricade couldn't care less. His time in the brig wasn't all that long in comparison to what it could have been, what it would have been had the human not done what she had, but it was long enough. The heat from the light hit his armor, warming him in a way he hadn't realized he enjoyed quite so much until that very moment. He could just bask...but then, he had heard a femme, a _femme,_ yelling, and reality had come crashing back down on him.

Turning to face the gathered Cybertronian's and humans, Barricade knew his time was short. Ironhide was standing there, cannons priming, three femmes crouched behind him wishing deactivation upon him with their optics. There were a slew of humans, likely with those annoying weapons they had developed that could actually hurt him. The twins...he was honestly surprised they were still standing over there and not already trying to convert him to slag, though he recalled he had won some begrudged respect from the red one, Sideswipe, for protecting his human pet. Then there was Optimus. The last Prime.

Looking at the tall mech, surrounded by all his soldiers, Barricade could finally sense the reason behind their loyalty to him. He was tall, true, but more than just in a physical sense. The mech towered over him morally, with presence, and with an odd sense of benevolence that he wasn't sure he liked. What bothered him more was that while all of his soldiers, and all of the humans aside from Aurian, looked upon him with varying levels of distrust and promises for deactivation, Optimus looked on him with sorrow...regret. The large mech walked easily over to him, only taking a few strides to reach him. No one else followed, though it was clear they wanted to.

"Barricade."

"Prime." Barricade prepared to defend himself. He may have been completely disarmed, and his condition rendered him all but useless in hand to hand, but he would not go down without a fight.

"Will you live peacefully? Cause no harm to those that live here and do nothing that could intentionally endanger any, be it Cybertronian, human, or other life form?"

"I will not sacrifice my identity, Prime."

"That is not what I asked of you."

Barricade stared at the Autobot leader. "Then what are you asking of me?"

"To live. Peacefully."

"To become a neutral?"

"If you would have it that way, yes."

"I will not reformat!"

Optimus smiled down at the edgy mech, though even to Barricade it did not feel like he was looking down at him. "I would never force anyone to do such a thing."

"But...in order to...this is a trick, isn't it?"

"There is no trickery involved. We are Autobots, we do not deal in foul play."

"Tha' depen's on who ya talk to!" The shout was clear as day, and had come from a party Optimus had hoped would not have joined this conversation at all.

"Mudflap, this is not the time." Optimus could just see the small mech peaking out from behind one of the buildings, likely his twin close behind.

"I's just sayin', it's true."

Barricade watched the expression on Optimus's face change from one of willing acceptance, to annoyance, to tolerance. It was clear the mech did not entirely enjoy dealing with the smaller twins, yet he did not scream at them, did not beat, or shoot at them...simply dealt with them. "What would you have me do?" Releasing his battle ready stance, Barricade made his decision. He wasn't sure if he was ready to commit to this life just yet, but if Optimus would live with those small annoyances beneath his feet, perhaps there was a place for him after all.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; the list grows shorter_

_ Okay, I'm not going to lie and say everything just fell into place. It didn't._

_ Ironhide and Optimus had it out a few times, to this day I still don't understand how it never came to blows, because it sure sounded like that was the direction it was headed. _

_ Sunstreaker and Sideswipe weren't pleased, though they kept most of their griping for when I wasn't around. _

_ The two younger twins enjoyed pushing the 'Con to his limits, testing him, trying to get him to break one of the conditions of his freedom unintentionally. _

_ Jolt was convinced it was just a matter of time until half the base ended up in the med bay, and I don't think it would be that far a jump to say Ratchet probably thought the same thing, though for different reasons._

_ I don't even want to start on Arcee...she wasn't happy with me, but she trusted Optimus to a point I might be willing to call a fault, so she forgave me pretty quickly and let 'Cade live in peace. She would have nothing to do with him, but she left him to himself at least._

_ Honestly, the only ones that willingly interacted with Barricade were Optimus, myself, and Jazz...yeah, that took me by a bit of surprise._

_ Apparently Jazz held no ill will toward the 'Con and actually enjoyed his company. The two of them would chat for hours when Jazz wasn't on rounds. Sometimes even when he was, but I'm not supposed to know that I guess._

_ Barricade was assigned simple tasks around the base, basic upkeep and whatnot, just so that he would have something to do and have a good reason for everyone else to leave him alone. I felt bad for him, and partially guilty. He hadn't been entirely incorrect when he said that he would still be a prisoner...but at least he wasn't locked up, right?_

_ Sometimes things just don't work out the way you see them in your head._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_Yay, 'Cade finally made it back into the picture!_**

**_For those of you playing in my little contest:_**

**_I got quite a few really nice guesses at my question, but no right answers yet. There are a few of you on the right path though! Keep trying!_**

**_Question: What is the significance of the song Aurian keep's humming but cannot seem to remember the words to - or only a few of them anyway._**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'. (I know last time I said Firefly, but it is truly Fireflies.)_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Thoughts? Lemme hear them!  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

_And of course to all my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing this._


	68. Journal Entry 68

_**Thank you to Litahatchee for your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!**_

_**(other Thank You's in ending A/N)  
**_

_

* * *

Journal entry; stories_

_ Some stories make you happy. Some stories make you sad. Some make you think about how great your life is and others show you how much better it could be. Some drive you nuts with plot lines and mystery and drama and action all bundled up so tightly it's over before you realize that you've been dragged into it. Some...some are just so unbelievable you find yourself looking for the loop holes, for the parts that don't make sense and exposing them for what they are...but life doesn't have loop holes._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian was enjoying sitting with Barricade on the edge of the main base. Far enough to provide some solitude, but still 'on base', since he was unofficially ordered to not leave. He had done well not to cause any more trouble than seemed to naturally follow the Decepticon and it seemed that many of the soldiers were starting to relax. They still looked at the mech with accusing eyes, and he was always the first suspect when anything went wrong, but at least he didn't escalate the situations. "'Cade, can I ask you a personal question?"

"I don't think I can stop you." The time Barricade spent with the human that had orchestrated his current 'freedom' was minimal. Usually one of the Autobots would show up to call her away with some duty she had to do. Or, in the case of the warrior twins, would distract her one way or another and take her away. Even the human soldiers would try to draw the woman away from him any time they saw her with him. Despite their words of trusting her decision concerning him, they did not _act_ as though they trusted any of it.

"You have a carrying hold, right?"

"I suppose one of those Autobot medics told you that?"

"Well, no. Its one of those things I figured out from fanfictions. I mean, the others confirmed it, yeah, but I didn't ask them. I wouldn't have known you even had one if you hadn't...I mean, I know that its something you wouldn't have just...it's not like I'd go asking others personal things about you or anything."

"What is your point, human?"

"Do you have a sparkling?" Looking at the mech beside her, Aurian knew she had gone too far. She had thought it would be, but the curiosity was just too much for her to not ask. There had not been a whole lot of fictions written with Barricade as a creator, but the evidence was there that he was. Ratchet had explained to her the complications of Barricade's condition, the Insularity, which had made it more than clear that he had a sparkmate somewhere out there. The presence of a carrying hold had been what led Ratchet to diagnose his condition as quickly as he had, but Aurian only knew of one way for a hold to be created – by producing a sparkling.

"No."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No you shouldn't have." Aurian thought that would be it, that he would get up and go away, leaving her to her guilt for bringing up a sore subject, but he didn't. "Twins."

"What?"

"They were twins."

Aurian had a horrible sinking feeling in her guts. "Were?"

"Are you going to ask foolish questions, or are you going to listen?" There wasn't as much snap in Barricade's voice as Aurian would have thought, but it was still enough to silence her. "I didn't want sparklings, not while Megatron was still in power. I knew it would end badly...but she did. She wanted one so badly, I couldn't deny her.

"We planned for one. She could hide away with one. That's what we thought anyway. It would have been fine." Barricade wasn't sure why he was telling this human about this. He hadn't told anyone, not a living sole had ever heard what had happened. For some reason, not only did he feel compelled to tell Aurian, but he felt that it was time to let the truth be known. "It would have been fine," he repeated, his processor not wanting to move past the beginning, "then there was two sparks. Two! We didn't know what to do. One, she could have cared for on her own easily, but two? I couldn't let her.

"When it came time, I hid away with her. I wasn't more than just a soldier, so I figured they would let me be, let me just disappear. I couldn't have been more wrong.

"They came for me, found me, but at the time I was given an option; return without argument and they would overlook my desertion since I hadn't done anything against the faction and nothing had happened during the time I was gone, or they would deactivate me then and there. There was no real choice in it. They had no idea about her, or the sparklings...I thought I would have a moment to sneak off, to meet up with her before they hauled me off to duty again. I was wrong again, they took me strait off to fight."

Aurian empathized with the mech near her. She wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but at the same time she was afraid that if she moved, he would quit talking. He was in a lot of pain just from the memories, she could see that, and she knew that this story wasn't going to have any kind of a happy ending to it.

"I tried to stay in the back, away from most of the explosions and direct fire. I looked like a coward, but right then I didn't care about my appearance, I couldn't process anything beyond the fact that I was on a field of battle, facing not only enemies but supposed comrades who wanted nothing more than to see my spark fade in their hands, with a sparkling in my hold.

"Fraggin' Autobots!" The sheer rage and grief in the mech's voice as he shouted was so intense, Aurian wanted to apologize for whatever had happened. She wanted to make amends for his pain and make it go away, but she knew now, before he said another word she knew what had happened to the sparkling Barricade had been carrying. "They should have deactivated me. If they were so _kind_, so _sympathetic_, so fraggin' _idealistic_, they would have deactivated me right then and there instead of leaving me to suffer through..." the mech's entire form shook from his anger, "null ray through the back, just missed my spark chamber. She never stood a chance...

"They were so young, her twin couldn't survive the severance and she deactivated right in her femme creator's hands...she never could forgive me for it. I could never forgive myself."

She wanted to say something, anything, but what could she say to such a horrific tragedy? Even as the mech stood and walked away, Aurian could only sit and watch. She was speechless, though her heart screamed out for him.

'Aurian, stop!' Sunstreaker pleaded through the agony.

"He lost...everything..." Aurian whispered mournfully. She was bombarded by threats from Sunstreaker, and comfort from Sideswipe, but nothing could make the pain she felt go away. Barricade had lost everything dear to him, it was no wonder he was a bitter Decepticon. It was because of the Autobots that he had lost his sparklings. 'That's what caused the Insularity...because of that he lost his sparkmate too.'

Jazz crouched down beside Aurian, appearing out of no where as far as the woman was concerned. "Ya alright, lil'lady?"

"No." Her voice trembled as she spoke. "It doesn't make any sense! It's...it's not fair!"

"Ah know." He gently placed his hand on the human's back, noting how large he was compared to her. Even his slight stature overwhelmed the small human easily. How was it then, that something so small could hold so much passion for things that didn't even involve her. "Listen, Auri, ya can't suffer fer everyone. Bad things have happened, will continue ta happen, tha's just uh part o' life. There's nothin' ya can do 'bout it."

"I know that!" She leaned into the offered support. "That doesn't make it any better..." She sighed heavily, working at calming her own emotions to ease what she sent over her bonds to the twins. Though the guilt for causing them pain didn't ease her's any, so instead she tried to close off the bonds a little. "You know, before, when all of this was just stories for me to read...I always felt bad when bad things happened to anyone, but I kept reading. I was even more likely to read the stories if something bad happened actually. Why? Why did I do that? It's not funny. It's not amusing. There's nothing _entertaining_ about any of this, Jazz! He lost his _sparklings_! There's no bringing them back!

"Ironhide is forced to look at a fake replica of his sparkmate every day and not say anything about it just to protect her from some unknown horror, not even knowing where she is! _I_ don't even know where she is, and I thought I did. I told him she was going to be okay...what if I lied to him? And what about Optimus? What must he be going through? And you? You _died_!

"It's _real_, and it's not fair..."

"Ya really care too much, lil'lady..." Jazz picked up the woman, answering the almost panicked buzz that flew over the open comms asking if anyone knew where the human Autobot ambassador was. ::Don't worry, Ah got her. She's fine.::

::What the slag is going on?:: Sideswipe was outraged by the feelings he had felt from the woman, but more panicked by the fact she was trying to shut him out.

::She just learned one o' th' harder lesson's o' war.::

::What's that supposed to mean?::

::It means,:: almost everyone was stunned as Ironhide's voice rumbled over the comm, an almost sympathetic tone to it, ::that she's fine. Don't worry about it.::

Jazz had spotted the weapons specialist long before he had approached Aurian.

Ironhide had been keeping an eye on things from a fair distance. He hadn't been hiding, that had never been his intention; however, he had overheard the entire conversation between Aurian and Barricade. He wished he hadn't. It was easier to hate a Decepticon, even one with some nameless femme and possibly a sparkling out there. It wasn't so easy to hate a Cybertronian with a story, with a past, with his own grief bearing down on him and every decision he made. Barricade wasn't just some Decepticon anymore, and Ironhide hated it. ::Optimus, if you've got a few breems, I need to discuss something with you.::

"Jazz, can you let me down, I think I just need to go to bed. It's been a long day, and I'm supposed to go to Australia tomorrow."

"Fer those buildin' negotiations?"

"Yeah."

"Think Ah could get in on that?" Jazz made no move to put the woman down, but he did head in the direction of the Autobot's quarters. He knew the woman had been sleeping in Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's personal quarters, there wasn't much that escaped his attention.

"You build?"

"In uh manner o' speakin', Ah've been known ta."

A smile crept onto Aurian's face. "Sabotage doesn't count as construction."

"What? Sure it does!"

The smile turned to laughter, and Jazz marked another mission accomplished.

* * *

Ratchet sat in his dark office, nothing at all running aside from his own processor. He had spent the previous several orns studying the vids Bumblebee had acquired from the Decepticon base they had rescued Aurian from, and he had finally reached a conclusion. It wasn't one he liked in the least.

"Ratchet?" Jolt's quiet voice boomed through the silence of the med bay. "What are you doing?"

"What do you know about bio-engineering, Jolt?"

"Bio...why?"

"Because apparently the Decepticon's have taken an interest in it."

Jolt studied his mentor, the mech that always had the answers, that always knew what to do and how to do it. Ratchet was a medic above all others and to hear him so frustrated and seemingly at a loss was more than just a little disturbing. "How?"

"How do you think?"

"What are they doing?"

"That's what I can't figure out." Ratchet vented, finally moving from the pose he had held for he couldn't even think of how long. "You've seen the vids, what do you think they were doing?"

"Torture. What else _would_ they be doing?"

"If it was just torture, then why did they do this?" As though the motion were heavily practiced, Ratchet flipped on the screen to a data pad sitting on his desk, the image instantly recovering to something Ratchet had pulled from the vid. "Why connect it to her heart like that?"

"I don't know, I thought that's why we did the surgery."

"It was."

"So...I don't understand what's going on here."

"Neither do I, but I think I know who might."

"Who?"

::Barricade,:: Ratchet called out to the Decepticon over a line he had been required to link to the Autobots as part of his conditional freedom on base, ::might you have a moment to spare?::

"You've got to be kidding me! _Him_?" Jolt practically screeched his protest.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Just put the human out of her misery!"

Ratchet stood so fast Jolt thought for a moment that he might have fallen instead. "Do. Not. _Ever_ make such a suggestion again. Barricade may still _technically_ be a Decepticon, but that mech has gone above and beyond to prove that he deserves _some_ respect."

"Ratchet..."

::On my way.:: Barricade's response interrupted whatever Jolt had been about to say.

"Never again. Understood?"

Now, Jolt had been on the business end of Ratchet's glares more than a few times; however this time he felt more like he was staring down something far worse than a fragged off medic, worse even than a fragged off weapons specialist. His spark felt cold and his circuits quivered just from the intensity of it. "Understood."

Barricade didn't much understand, or care, as the smaller aide stormed past him when he entered the med bay. In all truth he didn't want to be here, but the CMO had shown him far more kindness than any of his own medics had before, and among the Autobots the medic was one of the few to talk to him civilly. "What did you want medic?"

"I need your help."

Barricade was instantly wary. "What for?"

Ratchet vented again for what he was sure exceeded the maximum amount allowed by his systems. "I need...information."

"No." Not wanting to hear anything further Barricade turned to leave the CMO with whatever problem had brought him to this. He had made it perfectly clear that he would not sell off Decepticon information for his freedom, it didn't matter what any of them offered him, or threatened him with...

"It's about Aurian."

Except maybe that. Stopping mid turn Barricade quickly considered what made him think that. "What about the parasite?"

Ratchet didn't bother sparing any of the details. He even went as far as to show Barricade the vids he had memorized to the greatest detail by now. It didn't take long before the 'Con was growling his own anger at what the woman had suffered under Scalpel's demented skills.

"Do you know what they're trying to do?"

Barricade could hear his systems grinding with the heat of his anger. He knew his faction's medics were up to no good, they always had been, but he hadn't known they would go so far. "No."

"Nothing at all?" Ratchet almost begged, or as close as the CMO ever got to begging, for Barricade to offer something, _anything_ that could give him some solace, some measure of knowledge that he could work around.

"I wish I did." Images of the woman after the Autobots had brought her back from her stay with his faction flashed through Barricade's processor. She had been in a terrible state, but he hadn't thought much of it at the time. True, he had hoped she would survive, even then he had known there was something worth salvaging in the human, but he had no clue that she had suffered so greatly. If he could do anything at this moment to take it back, or to make it repairable, to give the CMO some kind of hope of helping the human, he would do it in an instant.

"Thank you for your time, Barricade. I appreciate it."

"It was a waste of time..." Barricade stood, fully intending to leave and find some way to blow off some of his accumulated anger, "But any time you need, feel free to call on me." It was the least he could do for the medic that had saved his life without expecting anything in return.

Ratchet watched the mech go. He had been stunned by Barricade's words, but only because he hadn't expected to hear them. Somehow he had known that the Decepticon was more than willing to make himself useful to them, just on his own terms. However, he was still right where he had been. There was still a problem and no answers to be had. "I'm just going to have to remove it, that's all there is to it." He had reached a conclusion. It wasn't one he liked in the least.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; Australia_

_ Jazz had been serious when he said he wanted in on it. I didn't realize he meant he wanted to go with me during the negotiations._

_ The negotiations went rather well and I had set up arrangements for 'equipment' to be delivered to a building site designated by the Australian diplomat for two days. They didn't believe the job they wanted done could be accomplished in that amount of time. Obviously they didn't realize that blowing up the equivalent of a mountain worth of earth to make way for a 'man-made' damn was not only simple in the eyes of the Cybertronians I represented, but it was nothing more than some target practice for more than half of them...and just happened to be exactly in the job description of one in particular._

_ I guess Jazz was right, sabotage DID count as construction._

_~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_New Clue_**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'.  
_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Hint 3: The lyrics themselves have no connection to the answer - though they do tend to have some connection to the story.  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	69. Journal Entry 69

_Journal entry; doctor visits_

_ I can't say I know anyone who says they really like going to the doctor, but I think I have everyone beat when I say I truly dread my visits with Ratchet._

_ Now, don't get me wrong because I don't hate Ratchet by any stretch of the imagination. It's just the things that come of the visits that I don't like._

_ This one would be no different._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*6*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"But, I thought you said you didn't want to take it out until you knew why it was there." Aurian shifted nervously on the berth. Ratchet didn't look happy and that was probably more disturbing than what he was purposing at that very moment.

"I really believe that we've let it sit far too long."

"I don't want to do it again, Ratchet!"

"I know, and I am truly sorry. However, the chances that it will have some ill effects on you increase each day. I should probably have just removed the device last time, but I was unsure."

"And you're sure now?"

Ratchet offlined his optics for a few kliks while he thought of what he really wanted to say to that. "No, I am not."

"Then why?"

"Because, medically speaking, it is the right thing to do."

"Medically speaking? So what was it that made you think leaving it was the right thing to do before?" Aurian was angry. She was angry because she was scared, and frustrated. She wanted answers and she knew Ratchet didn't have them, and that was far more terrifying than if he had come to her with bad news regarding the 'thing' inside her chest.

"That was also a medical decision." Ratchet shifted from one foot to the other, he had hoped this would have gone better, but he knew he should have expected this. Aurian may have appeared to be over most of her trauma, but it would always be there, affecting her actions, her thoughts, and her words. "At that moment I was unsure if I could detach the item without causing irreparable harm to your circulatory system. However, now I am sure that I can. I would not suggest this if I thought the danger of doing so was greater than that of leaving it."

"I-I can't! I have a schedule to keep, places I have to go! I don't have time for surgery, for recovery."

"You do not have another scheduled meeting for three earth days, and that one has been moved to a later date. Optimus has already approved the arrangements."

"So, what? You were planning on doing this no matter what I said?"

"No."

"Yes, you were!"

Perhaps making the woman their ambassador had been a mistake. She had certainly learned more along the lines of reading into things than she had known previously. "Aurian, you know I would not force you to do anything you do not want to do."

"Except for when I signed up for this position and you demanded I allow the first surgery."

Ratchet cringed. He had done that, and he could do it again. "I will not force you to do this, but I do highly recommend it."

"And how long are you going to wait before you just demand surgery again? Ratchet, I don't want to do this, I'm _never _going to _want_ to do this." Aurian fought with the nausea she was feeling for even thinking about what she was about to say. "But...but if you think it is necessary...I will. Just don't lie to me and make me think I have a choice in the matter." The woman easily scaled down the side of the berth, something she had become very practiced at, and headed out of the med bay. "I'll be here tomorrow morning."

Sideswipe was waiting for the woman just outside of the med bay. Ratchet had contacted him early on in their visit to tell him what he was going to suggest. He was not any more pleased with the situation than Aurian had been, but he also knew that Ratchet wouldn't suggest a repeat surgery needlessly. "You okay?"

"Sides, why does it always come back to this?" She pointed a finger at the area in her chest she knew the thing to be. "Why does it keep coming back? I don't want to think about it, I don't want to deal with it! I just want it gone..." She had started to pace in front of the silver mech, her frustration needing some outlet.

"It will be."

Finally letting the truth of it all settle down on her, Aurian stopped her irritated gait. "Will you...go with me?"

"Of course!" It didn't matter whatever else he may have been scheduled to do, Aurian was more important. Nothing would stop him from being at her side if she wanted him there.

* * *

She was dreaming. She knew she was.

Aurian's mind felt sluggish, like everything just didn't matter. She looked around and recognized where she was; still in Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's quarters where she had fallen asleep, but something felt so out of place.

"Sides?" She called for the mech she knew was supposed to be there with her. "You awake?" There was no reply, just affirming that this had to be a dream. Sideswipe always answered her when she called, even if he had been in the middle of his recharge cycle.

Groaning she shoved herself into a sitting position. "Sunny?" She called out over the bond. She wasn't entirely sure why she wanted one of them to answer her, but she felt it was somewhat urgent that one or the other respond to her calls. Even if this was just another dream.

'What is it?' Sunstreaker's snark was just as crisp in her dreams as it was in real life.

"Where's Sides?" She looked around the room, her eyes having a hard time focusing on anything.

'He's there with you, are you blind?'

There was something large and silver slumped in the corner, but that couldn't be Sideswipe, could it? "Is this a dream?" What a strange question to ask, of course this was a dream.

'What are you talking about?' There was a sudden wave of concern through the bond she shared with Sunstreaker, causing her mind to focus a little. This wasn't a dream...

Even as the realization struck her, so did something small and shiny, cackling maniacally.

"NO!" She struggled, she screamed, she kicked, but her body was weak. The small mech had little trouble subduing her and soon enough she found herself unable to move at all. 'Drugs...' she realized. He had to of drugged her.

'What is going on?' Sunstreaker's voice was loud, demanding answers, but the feelings that came along were pure rage and panic.

"Scalpel!" She could see the little mech planted on her chest, though he showed little to no interest in whatever she was saying or doing, only in what he was doing. She could feel him, numbly, mostly in sensations of pressure, or lack there-of, until the moment she saw her own ribs being pulled open. She screamed. No coherent thoughts would form, and even Sunstreaker's demands made no sense to her. The only thing she knew was that she was being pulled apart and she was _watching_ it happen.

Cackling loudly, Scalpel pulled something else from inside Aurian. It was small, about the size of a tennis ball, and was some odd mix of blood and gore, and shiny metal. "Zhe Autobots cink, zhey can have _my_ project?" He held up the small thing. It was squirming, shifting, reshaping. "I don't cink so!" His little claws tapped at the small thing until it stopped moving, and then he turned his focus to Aurian. "Too bad you probably vont survive."

Aurian thought that she was still screaming, though she couldn't be sure. Her blood pounded through her head so loudly she was pretty sure she couldn't hear anything else over it. She begged for Sideswipe or Sunstreaker to come save her, but she knew, _knew_ that she was dying, that this was it.

* * *

Sunstreaker tore through the base. He had been on patrol when Aurian's strange call had whispered across their bond. At first he thought the woman had been dreaming again, but when Sideswipe had not answered his calls he knew there was something very wrong. He could feel a numb, sluggish feeling from his twin, but nothing more. Then had come the panic, the sheer horror from Aurian. If the femme was dreaming she was dreaming something that made him sick to his spark, and he couldn't pull her from it.

Then there was the screaming. If there was one thing in the entire cosmos that Sunstreaker knew, it was death-screams.

He pounded through the barracks halls, his sensors hardly registering the humans that milled around, his goal was fixed and his processors were turning toward battle. ::Ratchet. Get to Aurian.:: The transmission was short, cold, a reflex that had been trained into the mech after vorns of his battle rage consuming his processor whole. He had to ensure that his siblings would be cared for while he hunted down and destroyed what, or whoever had hurt them.

::What's going on?:: Sunstreaker heard the CMO's response, but he did not process it. His destination was in sight, and he could see the small retreating form that had to be the cause of this current situation.

* * *

Ratchet rushed through the halls, Sunstreaker's call not going unheeded. He recognized the young warrior's cold tone. He tried to get more information before the mech fell to his battle rage, but it was clear that there would be none from that end. ::Sideswipe, report.:: Dread was rising through his circuits the longer time lapsed with no response from either twin. Something bad had happened.

"Anything?" Jolt was close on his heels, the younger medic not requiring any orders to know that he was needed. When Ratchet had suddenly taken off, he had grabbed the emergency care pack the CMO had created to accommodated the needs of both humans and 'bots, and followed.

Ratchet could only think that the thing in Aurian's chest had become active somehow. He kept telling himself he should have just removed it, but he had been concerned that the thing was attached to the woman's heart and had feared removing it would destroy her. Maybe not removing it had done that very thing.

As they rounded the corner to the Autobot barracks Ratchet could smell something that had his spark dropping clear from its containment and his processor nearly stopping completely; blood.

Explosions erupted from somewhere outside, bringing Ratchet back from his momentary lapse. "Quickly!" He led the way through the partially open doors into Sideswipe and Sunstreaker's shared quarters. A quick scan showed Sideswipe collapsed in a corner and Aurian's fading life signature in a mass of bedding on Sideswipe's berth. In one fluid movement he took the care pack from Jolt and was already sorting through it by the time he reached the berth. "Aur..." his vocalizer failed him as he looked down at the mess wrapped in the blankets.

Instantly his medical programming took over, he could be shocked later, right now a life was in the balance. How she was still alive astounded him. A faint, staticy squeal reminded him that he was not the only medic present, and that there was another patient in need. "Jolt, tend to Sideswipe."

More explosions rocked the building, pulling a rather wicked sounding growl from Ratchet as he worked desperately to close the woman's splayed chest before it was too late. ::What in the Pit is going on!:: he demanded angrily over the general comm.

::Sunstreaker has lost it...:: Ironhide answered, his tone stressed.

::Unlikely.:: Ratchet snapped. There was a reason that Aurian looked like this, and likely Sunstreaker was chasing down that reason. ::What is he doing?::

::Blowing holes in the ground!:: As emphasis, another explosion rocked the building.

::Ratchet, I've never seen Sunny act this way...:: Arcee stated, concern and confusion laced her voice. ::What is going on? Is Sides okay?::

Glancing back at Jolt, he could see from the young aide's actions that Sideswipe was in no immediate danger. ::He appears to be fine, though he is currently offline.::

::Then what's got Sunny's gears all worked up?:: Jazz questioned, barely restrained fear heavy in his tone.

::Aurian.:: Ratchet knew it would take nothing more than that for Ironhide and Jazz to understand, though Arcee was left confused – there had been no reason to explain the bond between the twins and the human woman to the femme. As he looked over the woman again he realized there was something missing...something small... "By Primus himself!" he snarled angrily. ::It's Scalpel! Find him, catch him!::

There was a violent roar through the general comm. as Ironhide put it all together. Sideswipe was down, Sunstreaker was in full blown berserker mode, Ratchet was with Aurian, and Scalpel was on base. Death was afoot, it was only a matter of time to determine who's.

The explosions went from intermittent to constant and overlapping.

Ratchet's efforts were redoubled, Scalpel had been on the base this whole time, hiding as the trinket he himself had put on Aurian hoping to keep better track of her. He should have realized, should have _known_ that something was wrong when he wasn't receiving signals from it anymore. Aurian's nightmares had returned again...it was now pretty clear that they might not have been nightmares at all.

How much had the twisted little Decepticon heard? How long had he been wrapped around her ankle disguised as something she had treasured? He had told her about the femmes...she had talked to Barricade, had discussed the Allspark shard with Optimus, been on several liaison missions...there was just too much.

::Optimus, if that little glitch gets away...:: Ratchet warned over a private link.

::Understood.:: The tone from Optimus was enough for Ratchet to know that, not only did he understand what would happen, but he understood that a lot of lives were in the balance.

Ratchet's scans alerted him to the continually diminishing life. Despite all his efforts, Aurian was fading. "Slag...I need Sideswipe. Jolt?"

"No luck, sorry. He's been drugged, I gave him a counter, but it's going to be a while. I can't do anything more..."

"If it's not one complication it's another!" Slamming his fist on the wall beside the berth he was working over, Ratchet tried to come up with something. He needed a bond to try and rouse the woman, or, at the very least to tell him if she was even still there to be saved. Roger was still off base at the Allspark compound, but even if he had been there, human bonds were not as useful to him as what she shared with Sideswipe and... ::Sunstreaker. Listen very carefully to me because if you don't, Aurian is going to perish.:: He spoke firmly, clearly. His only hope was that his words may soak through Sunstreaker's battle rage enough to bring him out of it. ::I need you. I need you here, right now.::

For a long time he got nothing back and he feared the worst.

Finally Sunstreaker responded. ::Acknowledged.:: It sounded like a struggle, but he was trying and that spoke volumes in the data recordings of Sunstreaker.

The battle outside was drifting away, they were obviously having a hard time getting a lock on the demented little field medic. Distressing as it was, Ratchet knew that they could try no harder to capture him and the likely-hood of his escape grew as each breem passed.

Looking over the impossibly pale and still form of the human he had rushed to put back together, Ratchet's hopes of her survival also waned. She was too weak, too much had happened to her. ::Sunstreaker, meet me in the med bay...be quick.:: He scooped up the human, bedding included. "Get Sideswipe online," was his only comment to Jolt as he sped from the room. At the same moment he accessed the emergency medical line he had for the human's wing.

"Name, rank, and emergency?" Came the instant reply.

"Ratchet; Autobot CMO. I need an emergency blood transfusion for Cybertronian-Human liaison Aurian Fae Towns, type O positive. I will be arriving in the Autobot medical wing immediately, please meet me there." He spoke in an even, professional tone despite his own misgivings of the situation. "Also, please contact lead research technician Roger Campton."

"Yes, sir!" The voice responded urgently.

* * *

Fight. Destroy. Fight. Destroy.

Sunstreaker's vision was focused on the enemy. The small, quick, retreating enemy. That was the one to blame. 'Blame for what?'

Ratchet had called for him, he was going...there was the enemy again...

'Aurian needs me,' a nagging thought at the back of his processor insisted. 'She doesn't need me,' he argued back, 'she has Sides.' There was that little glitch again. He was going to destroy him in more ways than Unicron himself could think of.

'Sides isn't with her. She needs me.' There were some vague details he had to be missing, but...slag, he got away again...

The others had joined him, he wasn't sure when, but he knew they were there. Ironhide, Jazz, Optimus, Arcee and the femme drones... 'Go to Aurian, she needs me.' In his spark he knew this unrelenting thought was right. He needed to go. Aurian was in trouble. Sideswipe was unable to help her. She needed _him_.

_ ::Aurian is going to perish...::_ Ratchet's words echoed through his memory again. He had known Ratchet for nearly as long as he could remember, the mech was prone to making deactivation threats but never did he claim that someone would offline lightly. Aurian was going to...

'Aurian!' It felt like a cloud had lifted, things were suddenly – painfully – clear to him. The human femme was fading and she needed _him_ to tether her to life. 'Slag it, femme, answer me!' Was he already too late? Had he failed? Failed his brother? Failed in his duties? Failed her?

He abandoned the chase for Scalpel without another second of hesitation; the others could catch the half-bit field medic, and he would have his vengeance on him later.

'Aurian!' He didn't run, but it was very clear to any who could see the mech that his path had better be clear, or he would clear it forcefully.

Sunstreaker pushed into the med bay, still demanding a response from Aurian through their bond, pushing thoughts and emotions to her that only a few short joors ago he was sure he didn't have for the woman. Oddly enough, it wasn't just Sideswipe's pain he feared if the woman faded; he was honestly bothered by the thought of her annoying, pestering, persistent, overly-emotional, frustrating...soft...presence no longer touching his spark. 'Femme, I swear, if you leave us...'

The bond was growing weak and Sunstreaker knew that time was fast waning. 'Aurian, please don't go...'

* * *

**Please don't kill me!**

**_New Clue_**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'.  
_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Hint 3: The lyrics themselves have no connection to the answer - though they do tend to have some connection to the story._**

**_Hint 4: There is a message in the presence of the song, but it is not in the lyrics of the song.  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	70. Journal Entry 70

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Aurian? Are you awake?"

Aurian groaned at the voice. She was tired and just wanted to sleep.

"Aurian, come on, sweet-heart, it's time to get up."

"I don't want to."

The voice laughed lightly. "Darling, what you want to do and what you must do are two totally different things."

"Just a few more minutes? Please, mom?"

"No, no more. You've 'just a few more minutes'-ed us out. It's time to get up now."

Aurian growled something to the effect of mornings coming far to early in the day as she rolled herself to a sitting position on the edge of her bed. "I'm up, I'm up..."

"Good, now lets get moving." Aurian felt the tugging on her shirt, but she refused to open her eyes. "Come on, we'll make you something good to eat. You're hungry, aren't you?"

Even if she had tried to protest, the loud growling of her stomach would have defeated her efforts easily. "Guess so..." 'Why is mom talking like that? It's weird.'

"All right then, you get up and get dressed, we'll meet you downstairs."

Aurian heard the soft squeak of the door as her mother left her to getting up and around.

Finally opening her eyes, Aurian looked around. Her mind took a moment to assess her surroundings. She recognized the room, it was the guest bedroom at her mother's house; her grandparent's old home out in the country.

The pastel curtains allowed the early morning sun to shine into the room, lighting everything in cheery tones. The soft comforter on her bed beckoned her back to its warmth, promising several hours of good, peaceful sleep, and the quiet trill of the morning birds outside did little to encourage her to move. Still, she did feel some need to get up, almost like if she didn't now, she wouldn't ever.

Within moments she was standing at the top of the stairs, slowly trudging down using the wall as a brace. She was over exaggerating, but if no one was looking, it wasn't that big of a deal. All for her own show. Right? She wasn't really _that_ tired. 'Worn out, is more like it.'

Smells of fresh bread and hot jams drew Aurian forward. It seemed like forever since she'd had fresh baked bread and home made jam. She wanted it badly – longed for it like something lost and then found.

"It's about time you got up! We almost thought you'd fallen asleep again."

"Who's 'we', mom?" Aurian dragged the heavy wood chair away from the table, allowing enough space for her to sit and rest her head on the hard surface. "Sounds weird when you talk like that."

"Sorry." The woman beamed as she set a plate before Aurian. "Eat. It's going to be a long day."

Aurian grunted. It was always a long day when she came out to the ranch. Her mom liked to get everyone together once a month and they always made a big dinner. It involved a lot of work all through the day, but it was always worth it.

She looked over the things on her plate, bread with jam, eggs, bacon, typical things, but they seemed odd. Not that she could place how though. She did want it, but picking up her head was just so much work.

"Aurian, my dearest, please eat. We know you've got to be starving."

Again she grunted. Words were too much work. She was just _so_ tired. 'Probably didn't get enough sleep,' she told herself. When had she gone to bed anyway? "Mom?"

"Yes, dear?"

"When did I come out?"

"What do you mean?" Aurian could just see the woman busying herself with tasks around the large kitchen.

"When did I come to the ranch? I don't remember..."

"Oh, well...you just got here early this morning." There was a hesitant tone in her mother's voice that made Aurian shift so that, even if she didn't pick up her head, she could see the woman.

"I don't remember coming in."

"You were pretty exhausted, went strait to bed."

That made sense. After all, the ranch was far outside of town, that's why they hadn't gone out to visit her grandparents much before they sold... 'Sold it?'

"Come on dear, there's no time to waste. Eat."

"I...don't think I'm hungry." Aurian fought the weight sitting on her and got up from the table. 'Grandpa sold the ranch when Grandma passed on. Mom never moved out here...'

"Where are you going?" Her mother called after her.

'No, that's not mom...' she thought, though _who_ it was wasn't coming to her. "Back to bed." This wasn't making sense and the only thing she could think of to do was to go back to sleep and hope it all cleared up by the time she woke up.

She was on her grandparent's ranch, but her grandpa had sold the ranch. How could that be? And her mother was running it like she had lived here for years, Aurian even had clear memories of being out here visiting her mother...but they couldn't be real, could they? 'That's not mom...that's...who? I know, I know this...' her mind twisted and struggled with the thought. This woman was familiar to her, even if it wasn't her mother.

She found the guest room just as she had left it, just as welcoming and just as attractive as it had been before. Unable to resist, she stumbled in and headed strait for the bed, feeling as if gravity had shifted just enough to ensure that she would land on the soft surface.

Sure that she had been asleep before she had even hit the mattress, Aurian was fully displeased when she heard the door creak back open. "What do you want?"

"For you to get up."

"Why? What's so important?"

There was a long pause, and Aurian thought she could feel the indecision in her mother's – 'no, not mom's' – thoughts. "They need you."

The words sounded more like a regretful admission than anything else, and it snapped Aurian into full wakefulness. 'They?' As though a vale had been lifted, her mind flitted through the memories of things that had happened over the past months. What had just happened... "Scalpel! He was...he..." she sat up and looked over her body, only to find that she was unharmed. As a matter of fact she lacked the scarring from the energon poisoning, the paleness she had acquired, the scar on her hand from Sideswipe, all of it was gone. She looked tan and healthy. "What is this?"

"Your mind," her mother's voice admitted.

'That's not mom, that's...the fake.'

"We have kept you safe here. It was the only thing we could do to help you."

'Safe...' Aurian leaped from the bed and got threateningly close to the woman who was portraying her mother, creating this false 'home' for her. "You said that before! You said you'd keep me safe! You said...you said it was a dream!"

"We had to ease your mind. You were distressed."

"No shit!" She spun away from the woman, it wouldn't matter if she struck her here, it wouldn't have the effect Aurian so dearly desired, and besides that, even if it wasn't actually her mother, it still looked like her. "He cut me open...he...Gods...am I going to die?"

"No." The woman looked honestly saddened, and that pulled at Aurian's already stretched emotions. "My sweetest, we would never let anyone kill you. Not so long as it is in our power to stop it."

"Why'd you let this happen then?" Aurian just felt broken. This thing was claiming that she would be safe – it had lied before – and now it was saying that she wouldn't die. Was it lying now too? "Why didn't you _tell_ me he was _there_? Why...oh, Gods! He heard everything! He knows about the femmes!" Everything felt like it was falling apart right in her hands and she was helpless to stop it.

"Things are the way they are for a reason."

"What reason?" Aurian fell back onto the bed, she was so tired. Maybe she would just go to sleep and let be what may. She had struggled for so long...wasn't it time to just rest?

"Don't go back to sleep."

"Why not?"

"You have to stay awake, stay with us."

"I don't want to. I'm tired."

There was a pressure as the false-mother sat on the bed beside her, rubbing at her shoulders with just enough force to be on the verge of painful. "Darling, you can't sleep."

Aurian ignored the motherly voice. She was tired and that's the only thing she knew she had control over. She could sleep. She could sleep forever if she wanted. _That_ was her decision.

"Get up, human." The voice snarled angrily through the air, assaulting her eardrums with its sheer volume. She almost felt the need to respond to the demanding tone, but instead chose to remain as she was and let whatever it was go about it's merry way. "Get. Up." There were promises of unpleasant things to come should she continue to ignore the voice.

Groaning miserably she buried her face in the soft fabric of the bed she was laying on. "What's the point?"

"The point?_ You_ are asking _me_ what the point is?" It growled. A very familiar growl.

"There are others that need you," the not-mother provided. "Need there be more reason than that?"

"Because I told you to." The familiar growl continued.

Aurian rolled her head to the side. She had to see who would give her that kind of an answer. She was pretty sure she knew who it was, she just couldn't place it.

Cracking one eye open she could just see silver digits with a bright red hovering just above them near her face. The surprise of the unfamiliar shape stole her thoughts of falling into the endless oblivion of sleep. "Who are you?"

Sitting near her was a small robot she had never seen before. It was silver and red and looked very feline in nature. Though the lack of any mouth structure was rather disturbing, she thought the thing was very cute. Protrusions on the sides of its head near the crown twitched slightly, like ears, as it listened to her words.

"You know who this is, parasite."

"'Cade? H...how..."

"Why don't you tell me?" The creature before her showed none of the annoyance that Barricade's voice conveyed. "I was enjoying my solitude when the entire base exploded and I get a message that you're in need of assistance. Why are you contacting me? _How_ are you contacting me?"

"I...I didn't contact anyone." Reaching out one hand toward the creature, she was shocked that it leaned into her palm, creating a rather soothing, vibrating sensation as it did. Her hand drifted over its head, bringing her attention to a very familiar logo imprinted on its crown that read 'Dell'. "Ruby?" Aurian was amazed as the little catlike 'bot transformed back into her familiar laptop. There was a message box opened on the screen with the audio chat icon activated. "It seems as though Ruby is how I can talk to you."

"Who is 'Ruby'?" Barricade still didn't sound pleased but the viciousness had left his tone.

"My laptop." Aurian explained as she picked up the small device, feeling comforted by the weight and warmth of the familiar machine as she settled it on her lap. "How is this even possible?" She looked to the doppelganger, assuming she had to of had a hand in this.

"An end to a means, my dear. She serves a purpose, and she does so well."

"She?"

"Would you honestly call a mech, 'Ruby'?" The woman laughed.

"Human..." Barricade's voice had taken a decidedly disturbed tone, "Where are you?"

Aurian was typing Sideswipe's name into a query box, the response came back as 'currently offline'. "I'm not really sure, why?"

"Because I just received a message that you were attacked."

"...Scalpel..." The vivid images that had brought her to this place of false home and fake familiarity flashed through her mind. She could feel the desire to fall back into the blissful ignorance of sleep pulling on her once more.

"I don't think I understand this situation, human." Aurian thought she might have heard a touch of concern in his voice, but she wasn't going to put any money on it. "I received a message saying you needed help, yet you do not seem to be in need. However, I have just received a comm over the general Autobot link that you're in critical condition..."

"Critical?" An icy chill crept up Aurian's spine.

"That means that you are still alive, dear." The not-mother gently hugged Aurian. "They won't let you go that easily, and we will keep you safe here until they are done."

"Explain." Barricade demanded.

"I don't know!" Aurian couldn't help the fear in her voice. She was terrified of the whole situation. "I don't know!" She practically screamed.

The doppelganger's embraced firmed around her. "Sweety, calm down."

"Calm down? Sure," she was on the verge of being hysterical. "The last thing I remember is Scalpel ripping open my chest and you want me to calm down?"

"Scalpel? How did he get here?"

Aurian groaned miserably, "I don't know, but I've got a bad feeling he's been with me..."

The audio chat icon suddenly dimmed, a single text message appearing in the box before it claimed disconnection; 'Pull through.'

Everything just seemed so dim. Aurian didn't know what to do, who to turn to. She felt lost without any connection to the world she had come accustomed to.

"Talk to your guardian, let him know you're still here." The not-mother suggested.

"How?" Aurian couldn't feel her bonds, and she felt oddly empty without them.

The woman pointed to Ruby and smiled. "Isn't it obvious?"

With a pleasing trill, a new window opened requesting a search.

Aurian said the first name that came to mind; "Sideswipe."

{Searching...query found, unresponsive. New query?}

"Why is he unresponsive?" Her own predicament forgotten for the moment, Aurian felt a new fear. Sideswipe had been in the room with her; had Scalpel gotten him too?

{Diagnosis: Unresponsive, functional.}

"He's fine dear, just unconscious. Try the other one."

{New query?}

Aurian swallowed the lump in her throat. Whatever had happened to Sideswipe was her fault, there was no way she was going to deny that. "Sunstreaker."

{Searching...query found, opening communications.}

"Aurian?"

"Sunny...what happened to Sides? Is he okay?"

"Sides is fine." Aurian could feel the relief in the golden twin's voice. It wasn't the same as feeling it through their bond, but it felt almost as good. Knowing that Sunstreaker was able to feel relief at hearing from her made it easier to believe that Sideswipe was okay. "Are you?"

"I guess so. I mean...I don't really know, Sunny. The last thing I remember is...is Scalpel tearing me apart!" Aurian's voice was raising again. The question kept raising; was she okay? Yet she would probably be the last one to know. The only thing she knew was that the thing that posed as her mother had apparently created a world to keep her safe of mind until her body was also okay. "He tore me up, Sunny!"

"Aurian," his voice took on a decidedly flat tone, empty of any sensible emotion, "Ratchet will save you. You have to hold on."

"Sunny..." What she wouldn't give to feel the connection with him. Was that what it was like to be a Cybertronian? To feel each other, to feel those so close to you so personally? She had been very close to her family, but she still didn't sense them like this. To be separated from that sensation as well as from her family, from everything, felt so devastating. "I'm tired."

"Me too."

* * *

_Journal entry; by a different means_

_ So in my little private world, Ruby was a Transformer. How awesome was that? Oh, I suppose that's not the main point of this entry, but I thought it was pretty amazing._

_ Sunny and I continued to talk. That poser of a mother thing left us alone, which I greatly appreciated. When I was finally too tired to keep sitting I laid down, Ruby taking on that catlike shape again and curling up next to me while she continued to transmit our conversation._

_ I learned a few things about Sunstreaker that I wouldn't have thought of; like his loyalty wasn't all talk and no action. When that mech decided someone deserved his fidelity it was more than just word, it was a driving force he felt right down to his core. It was one of the biggest reasons why he didn't get close to anyone, why he was such an aft...well, okay. It wasn't why he was an aft, that just came naturally, but it didn't hurt any._

_ I also learned that he had blown apart a good chunk of the base trying to catch Scalpel, and he was incredibly unhappy that he had not been able to do so._

_ But the one thing that kept coming back up was that he was afraid I would stop talking to him. Apparently Ratchet hadn't had high hopes for me. That's a real confidence boost..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_New Clue_**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'.  
_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Hint 3: The lyrics themselves have no connection to the answer - though they do tend to have some connection to the story._**

**_Hint 4: There is a message in the presence of the song, but it is not in the lyrics of the song._**

**_Hint 5: Despite their connection to the entire internet; Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are unable to find the song. (Got this hint from someone who was very close to the right answer, but still not quite there. ^_~)  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	71. Journal Entry 71

_Journal entry; too much?_

_ Is there really a point that things have been so bad for long enough that you are just completely unaffected by them anymore? I mean, I've heard of desensitization and all, but I think this may all be a bit on the extreme side of it._

_ I woke up from the whole situation a little more on the lighthearted side than anyone had expected apparently._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Transformers..." Aurian warbled in a slightly off-key tune, "more than meets the eye..." She giggled a little at the confused looks of those standing around her, but that wouldn't stop her from her private little entertainment. This was endlessly amusing, why hadn't she thought of it before?

"I think her processor is damaged." Sunstreaker stated matter-of-factually.

"Transformers...robots in disguise!" She continued delightedly.

"It's got to be the drugs." Will offered through a grin he could not tame. He had been completely thrown when he had found out everything that had happened the previous night. His team had hunted the base from north to south, and from east to west, and then again, searching for that damned little robot that had slipped in right under their noses. Now that Aurian was not only alright, but clearly in a good mood, he himself could be nothing less. It was contagious.

"Transformers! Aaaaaaaaautobots wage the battle to destroy the eeevil forces of...the Decepticons!"

"I like it." Skids announced as he and his twin bobbed and swayed to the woman's strange song and lack of rhythm.

"Her processor is not damaged." Ratchet gained everyone's, well almost everyone's, attention upon entering the room. "And it is not the drugs."

"Transformers..."

Sunstreaker gave the medic a very doubtful look. "Then what's wrong with her?" It seemed the whole room held their breath, or equivalent, as they waited for the CMO to answer.

"Nothing."

"Not to question your skills, Ratchet," Will spoke first of those standing around with cynical glares focused on the medic, "This..."

"Transformers!" Aurian sang with enthusiasm.

"Sure doesn't seem like 'nothing' to me," Will continued. There were several nods of approval.

"Allow me to rephrase that; medically, she is fine." He ignored the others standing around. It would have been incorrect if Ratchet hadn't said even he thought there was something off with the woman, but all his scans came up as clear as they ever had with her. Yes, there were still residuals from the anomaly, some of the smaller sections that had spread out from the center mass were still there, but over all it appeared that those were fading and all of her vitals seemed to be returning to normal. All her systems were recovering more beautifully than could have been predicted. Yet, right now he would have expected her to be in a rather troubled state of mind. Had she simply 'lost it', as the humans say? "Aurian?"

"Yesssah?" She drawled cheerily. "How can I help you, Ratchet?"

"Are you feeling any pain?"

"Only when I do this," she poked at her chest as she spoke.

Sunstreaker rolled his eyes, obviously exasperated with this whole situation. He decided he would much rather seek out his brother and deal with whatever self-loathing issues he was currently drowning himself in.

When the warrior mech had awakened to find what had happened to Aurian he had instantly blamed himself and, since the damned little psychopathic field medic had already made his escape, he was left with no outlet for his anger. So, he had locked himself in their quarters stating that he 'just needed to be alone'.

'As if any of us can actually be 'alone',' Sunstreaker thought as he left the room and its occupants to try and figure out the human's newest flaw without him.

The only one who appeared to make any notice of the golden mech's departure was Roger. The man had 'arranged' a special flight to get him to the base during Aurian's emergency surgery and had been at her side since the moment she had been moved to recovery, but had not bothered to say a word. He didn't trust himself to not say what was on his mind, and what was on his mind was far from kind.

When Ratchet had called for him after Aurian had been attacked, he had been afraid, but he had also been angry – livid, actually – but had found sense enough to calm down before reaching Diego Garcia. The CMO had called for him, knowing that he was important to Aurian, knowing she would need everything and anything that she still had to cling to for support. It showed that, despite his anger and frustration toward these aliens, of his thoughts of how they were the cause of all Aurian's troubles, that they weren't beyond the simple basic things of life; compassion, logic, mistakes... It had been enough to keep his mouth firmly shut – however hard that may have been with the rather imposing, self-assured Sunstreaker around.

With the golden mech gone, Roger felt as though he could drop his defenses a little. He could focus more on Aurian and less on what damage that pompous thug might cause.

"Move your fingers like this,"

Roger refocused in on the conversation happening around him. Ratchet was demonstrating some basic motor functions and asking Aurian to repeat them. She did so with intense amusement.

"Good. Now, wiggle your toes."

With great gusto Aurian reached down to her feet and grabbed her big toes, "This little piggy went to market!" She giggled as she continued on down to her little toes with the nursery rhyme. "...And this little piggy went 'weee, weee, weee!' all the way home." She looked up to the medic proudly. "Where was the little piggy before it went home? And why was it going 'weee, weee, weee!'?"

"If I didn't know better..." Roger finally decided that his thoughts were worth hearing. Aurian's actions were strangely familiar, "I'd say she was drunk."

"Drunk?" Will found the description fitting, but couldn't think of how the woman – who had been under constant supervision since the attack – could have gotten drunk.

Ratchet, on the other hand, had a pretty good idea. ::Sunstreaker, is it safe to assume you've gone to find your brother?::

::Not that it takes much 'finding', but yes. Why?::

::Are you, by any chance, getting anything from him? How he's feeling, what he's doing?:: Ratchet continued to watch the humans pondering over Aurian, and Aurian's own strange behavior. She was leaning from one side to the other, singing happily.

::That's a dumb question. What do you really want to know?:: Sunstreaker's tone was short, very annoyed by the medics redundant questioning.

::Is he drinking high grade?::

::Most li...slag.:: Even as Sunstreaker realized what Ratchet's train of thought was leading to, he became all too aware of his brother's growing intoxication.

Over the vorns the brothers had learned to tune the other out during high grade binges. It wasn't so much that they didn't feel it, or that they were unaware as much as it was that they learned to reflexively dim their connection so that the other's loosened inhibitions would not affect the other unless they wanted it to.

It had been a mix of trying to focus his own bond with the human to pull her through, and wanting to not feel his twin's anger for having been so easily removed from his vigilance that had allowed that reflexive dimming to take place without his notice.

Ratchet shook his head. It wasn't much of a surprise that the warrior twins had acquired high grade, he almost suspected they carried it on them at all times in some secret compartment he had yet to find. What concerned him was that he had no idea how Sideswipe's overcharged state was going to affect Aurian's long term recovery.

This was going to be a long, long day.

* * *

"Sides, stop." Sunstreaker snatched the cube of high grade from his twin, quickly finishing off what was left in it. "You're getting the human 'drunk' apparently."

"'Drunk'?" The silver twin slurred slightly. "What's that?"

"Overcharged."

"She can't get overcharged, she doesn't drink high grade."

"No," it didn't take him long to locate the source of the high grade the silver mech was indulging in, and Sunstreaker didn't mind helping himself to a refill, "but you _can_ and she feels it."

"Oh..." Sideswipe was sprawled across his berth, one leg hanging off the edge and one arm raised against the wall. "Wait, if she can feel my overcharge, she can feel yours too..." He pushed himself up on his elbows. "You can't have any either."

Sunstreaker nodded as he drained half the cube and refilled it.

"So...why are you still drinking?"

Sunstreaker pondered the question for a minute. He had come here to stop Sideswipe, but now that he was here, he really didn't want to. "Can you feel her?" Sunstreaker poured another cube and placed it near his twin.

Sideswipe had to concentrate for a few kliks before he sensed the familiar bond with the human. "Yeah."

"How's she feel?"

"I don't know...why does that matter?" Honestly he didn't _want_ to feel what Aurian was feeling, sure that she must feel betrayed, hurt, frightened. He had failed to protect her _again_. It didn't matter how many times he promised he would keep her safe, he continued to fail. Aurian deserved someone who could protect her...

"Because, Sides, she's happy." One thing Sunstreaker had to give to Sideswipe was that his twin knew good high grade. The stuff was top of the line, hit your circuits fast but didn't fry your processor as it did. It was a kind relief from the torture his twin was putting himself, and by extension him, through.

Sideswipe took the cube his brother had left near him, considered the glowing liquid inside – if Ratchet knew he had this, he'd tear him apart one bolt at a time. It wasn't just high grade, it was the stuff most 'bots wouldn't touch by way of a drone due to it's potency.

Now that Sunstreaker said something, he could feel soft waves of pleasure washing through him from Aurian. He had been so obsessed with his misery, with the fact that Aurian had come so painfully close to death, that he hadn't bothered to take into consideration the woman's response to his actions. "You think us gettin' overcharged is goin' to do her some good?" The thought was nice, he could get wasted and help her all at the same time. It was win, win. Of course he was pretty sure he was a little beyond reasonable judgment.

"I don't know." Another cube down left Sunstreaker thinking that they didn't have enough high grade for the level of overcharge he wanted to reach. "But I can't say I don't want to give it a try."

Sideswipe grunted as he downed the cube. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

Aurian held up the components in her hands and studied them with a very critical eye. "These will have to do." She nodded in agreement with herself and slipped back into the casing she had been so diligently reconstructing. "Substandard, but good enough!" She shouted to no one in particular.

"Aurian! Get out of there!" Roger was panting, red in the face and covered with sweat from chasing the woman.

They all thought Aurian had succumbed to sleep and left her alone for the briefest of moments to discuss where they thought Scalpel had gone, what the tiny Decepticon had garnered by clinging to Aurian, thoughts on when he might have gotten there. Well, they had been wrong and now Aurian was running amuck around the base, claiming she had some 'work' to do.

It seemed every time they caught up to the woman, she slipped away. Granted, if they used force it wouldn't have taken much to subdue her, however they were all afraid of hurting the woman fresh from death's grasp and were trying to round her up in the most gentle way possible...which was proving to be rather impossible.

Will, Roger, Rob, and at least twenty off-duty soldiers had been chasing the woman all over the base, completely at a loss as to how she continually managed to vanish from their sights and seemingly just reappear somewhere else entirely. Ratchet and Jolt were on guard in the med bay where this 'project' was taking place, yet somehow it seemed that they would get distracted, or would offline their optics for just a breath, and she would slip past them. It was infuriating.

"I swear I'm going to deactivate both of them!" Ratchet slammed his hand on the machine Aurian had rendered useless in a matter of kliks.

"Hey!" Apparently hitting the machine was the quickest way to get the woman's attention. "Don't hit it, you'll break it!" She continued to grumble nonsense as she moved through the machine's innards.

Ratchet helped Roger up to an access point. How Aurian was getting in and out was yet another mystery. Every time they tried to seal up the machine so she would either be trapped inside and the humans could grab her, or keep her out of it, they had failed and the chase stared anew. ::Ironhide, any luck?::

::Can I please shoot them?::

::No, we need them online.::

::Do you need them in once piece?::

Ratchet had to force himself not to answer 'no'. ::One piece is preferable.::

::Then get off my plating, we're doing our best!::

"Great."

"Son of a...she's not in here!" Roger growled from deep within the machine. "How the Hell did she get out this time?"

Quickly scanning the area, Ratchet concluded that Aurian was gone yet again. "Jolt, did you see her?"

"Not even a pip on my scanners! How does she keep doing this?" The younger medic was standing in a rather central area of the med bay, scanners on high trying to catch the human femme as she came and went. His scans couldn't go far, but it was enough to – in theory – catch her as she moved from the machine to an exit. Yet once more she had eluded them.

Roger's voice soon drifted up from even deeper inside the machine. "Is there something under this room?"

"Why?" Ratchet didn't like the sounds of where this was going.

"I think I know how she's getting out."

::Jazz, I think we're going to need your assistance.:: There were several levels to the base at Diego Garcia; however, directly below the med bay there was nothing more than a crawl space. It was plenty big for a human of Aurian's build, however for most of the Cybertronian's it was far too small, and only one had the skills necessary to locate and catch the woman.

::On muh way.::

"Roger," Ratchet looked into the machine as best he could, though he still had a hard time seeing where Roger was, "can you tell where she went?"

"Down is all I can say. I don't know how she's getting through here with no light." Roger sighed as he pulled himself back to the access point. "I don't even know what she's doing here. It's all so jumbled, it doesn't make any sense. Parts of it scream of her work, but other parts are completely...I don't know...It's just not like her."

"Whatever she's doing, she's completely ruined my diagnostic machine. It's going to take me orns to make a new one..."

Just as Roger reached the access point Will came storming into the med bay with no less than fifteen soldiers right behind him. "Where the _blazes_ is she?"

"In the crawl space beneath the medical wing," Ratchet explained flatly. His anger was at an all time high, but he couldn't be angry with the humans – any of them, the soldiers for their own anger or Aurian for her boggling behavior – after all, it wasn't their fault.

"How did she get in there?"

"There was some kind of loose panel at the bottom of this thing," Roger smacked his hand against the outside of the machine, "and somehow it magically lined up with an old access point to the crawl space." Slumping against the access point, he took a deep breath, his heart rate finally settling back to a more normal pace. "Sometimes I really get the feeling some greater power is involved. You have a flashlight on you?"

Will scrubbed a hand over his face and through his hair. "Yeah." Snatching a military issue flashlight off his belt he heaved it up to where Roger waited.

Grabbing the flashlight as it sailed toward his head, Roger nodded his thanks to the major. "I'm going after her."

"Wait, Jazz will be here shortly. He is equipped with sensors designed for this kind of work. He'll be able to help you find her much faster."

"Right." Roger wasn't surprised that Ratchet would want one of his own to go with him. Why wouldn't he? It made sense, anyway. One man on foot with a flashlight would take time to find a woman who seemed to be navigating the crawlspace easily with nothing at all. It would probably even take more than all the soldiers on base to locate her, but a Cybertronian – with their advanced technology – could easily spot her.

"We'll go too," Will announced, all of the soldiers with him nodding in agreement. "If she's down there, that's where we should be looking for her. We stand a better chance of cornering her in there anyway." Will trusted his men; if they hadn't been trusted, they wouldn't have gotten into N.E.S.T. in the first place, but he took some prideful comfort in the fact that these men had all willingly volunteered to find Aurian on their off-shift. They could be doing far more leisure things, yet here they were.

"What's crakin'?" Jazz asked as he practically danced into the med bay. Despite everyone else's rather foul mood at this entire situation, Jazz felt pretty amused. No, he wasn't happy that Scalpel had come, harmed Aurian, and escaped the base without terminal damage, but everything else was fantastically comical to him. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were having a grand time playing cat and mouse with Ironhide, Optimus, the younger twins, and Arcee and her drones, while all the humans that could spare the time scrambled to try and catch one little human femme. In his optics, it was great.

"Help us move this." Ratchet waved Jolt over and the three mechs slid the useless heap of machinery aside to reveal the hole Aurian had been using. It was small, too small even for Jazz. "Pull up more panels."

A few kliks had a hole large enough for the small saboteur to fit in.

"So, Ah'm guessin' you want meh ta go in there..."

"Aurian is using the crawl space to access the rest of the base." What few 'bots knew about Jazz was his strong dislike for small places. Ratchet was aware of the smaller mech's dislike, but he also knew how to work around it. "You're the only one of us that will fit that I would trust to get the job done, and you stand a better chance of finding her than any of the humans. She's still wounded and time is of the essence." Ratchet could only hope that Aurian hadn't taken the smaller paths that even Jazz would not be able to fit. It wouldn't be too difficult for the other humans to follower her, or so he assumed, but Jazz could move quicker, could use his Cybertronian skills to locate her. This really was the best option, no matter how ridiculous it seemed to send any of them into such a small place.

"Uh-huh." Jazz knelt down to examine the crawl space. For him, it would be exactly that – unlike for the humans, there wasn't enough room for him to stand; however..."Okay, Ah got this!" He hopped into the hole and quickly transformed into his alt mode. There was plenty of room for a small car.

"We're coming." Will didn't waste a moment before following the small mech, Roger and the soldiers right behind him.

Once again, the search for Aurian was fully underway.

* * *

_ "What am I doing?"_

_ ~Making progress.~_

_ "To what means?"_

_ ~You wanted to help them, didn't you?~_

_ "Yeah, but...what am I doing?"_

_ ~Making progress.~_

_ "On _what_, exactly?"_

_ ~Whatever you choose to name it.~_

_ "...You're...no help."

* * *

_

_**Heheheh, yep, I'm up to no good. ^_^**_

_**Anywho! Winner, winner chicken dinner! I've had one successful guess on my quesiton: what is the significance of the song Aurian hum/sings throughout SciFi.**_

_**No, I'm not going to tell you who yet. No, I'm not going to tell you the answer yet. Why? Because I'm evil like that.**_

_**No, it's because I decided to take the top 3 guesses. So! Keep up your guesses and let's see who wins, k?**_

**_New Clue_**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'.  
_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Hint 3: The lyrics themselves have no connection to the answer - though they do tend to have some connection to the story._**

**_Hint 4: There is a message in the presence of the song, but it is not in the lyrics of the song._**

**_*Winner # 1 here* Hint 5: Despite their connection to the entire internet; Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are unable to find the song. (Got this hint from someone who was very close to the right answer, but still not quite there. ^_~)_**

**_Hint 6: Aurian started humming the song in her coma where she first discovered 'The Parking Lot'.  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and Eowyn77 from Botosphere

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	72. Journal Entry 72

_ "Why do I get the feeling you're actually making me build something that will lead to the end of the world?"_

_ ~We are not.~_

_ "How do I know that?"_

_ ~How would ending the world benefit anything?~_

_ "...I don't know."_

_ ~Then you have no reason to suspect we would desire to end the world.~_

_ "I still get the feeling that you are."_

_ ~We are not.~_

_ "Then what am I doing?"_

_ ~Making progress.~_

_ "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Aurian?" Roger rushed down the small corridor, forced to run sideways to fit. They had heard the woman talking quietly to herself, but her frustrated scream had been enough to push him to a speed he probably couldn't actually maintain in these small confines. "Aurian! Where are you?"

"Jazz is moving around the other side." Will assured the man in front of him. He too was moving as fast as he could down the corridor, though he was pretty sure Roger's thinner frame was much more suited to these kinds of surroundings than his own. "We've got her surrounded."

"So we've thought before," Roger growled. They had been chasing the woman's eerie whispers all through these crawlspaces for well over two hours. Every time they thought they were close, it turned out her voice was just echoing from some other place.

"Jazz got a positive scan on her, we've got her this time."

Roger didn't want to be such a pessimist, but he couldn't ignore the facts. At least seven times they had been _sure _they had her, only to be misled. He wouldn't believe they actually found her until he saw her with his own eyes.

* * *

_ ~That piece will do.~_

_ "Yeah, I'm sure it will."_

_ ~You are growing tired.~_

_ "That is _the_ understatement of this entire adventure. Yes, I'm tired."_

_ ~Then lets go back. We are almost done and then you can sleep.~_

_ "Thank you for your permission. You know? I have half a mind to just lay down right here and tell you to bugger off."_

_ ~You have such strange notions.~_

_ "I have...? _I_ have strange notions? You're the one guiding me to build...I don't even know what this thing is."_

_ ~You will find that if you think of it, you do.~_

_ "That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've heard recently. If I think of it, of course I'd know! I'd have thought of it. Why won't you just tell me what it is?"_

_ ~Because it is not ours to name.~_

_ "...That doesn't seem ominous at all. What do you mean?"_

_ ~That this is your creation. Of your mind.~_

_ "No, it's of your mind. I'm just being led around to build it."_

_ ~In a way. Yet the truth is that it is still of your mind.~_

_ "You make absolutely no sense when you're not posing as my mother, you know that?"_

_ ~Shall we take physical form? Will that help you?~_

_ "I don't know, will it?"

* * *

_

"Who is she talking to?" Rob sat perched on a slight ledge above the area Aurian had been spotted in.

"I don't know," Harper whispered, "but it's really starting to creep me out."

"Why?"

"Because," Evans added, not so quietly, "it's her. She probably actually _is_ talking to someone, or something, that we don't see. It's disturbing." There were a couple of grunts from other soldiers that agreed with Evans's explanation.

For most of them, someone talking to themselves like this would have been a clear indication of a need for a padded room; however, Aurian posed a unique exception to the standard. They all knew now that the woman had a 'connection' of some type to the warrior twins – Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. There had been far too much evidence of that for any of them to doubt it, even if they couldn't begin to fathom _how_.

"What is it _for_?" Aurian's frustrated voice thundered over their conversation. Whatever she was talking to was obviously being elusive and bothersome. "I know what _this _is for, what is all of it for?"

"Will? You guys in position yet?" Rob watched as Aurian tugged at something hidden in the walls. They could just make out her dark form from their vantage point, whatever she had been involved in doing had her complete attention.

"That's not what I mean!" Well, almost complete. "You know...I'm done with this. With all of this...I'm tired..."

"We're in place, Roger's moving in. Keep a lock on her, we don't want to lose her again." Will's voice whispered over the radio.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem." Rob, leaned forward, keeping his eyes fixed on Aurian. She had stopped fighting with whatever it was she was trying to get, and had become very still.

* * *

_~Darling, you've almost completed it.~_

_ "What is it?"_

_ ~You know the answer to that, you just have not realized it yet.~_

_ "I'm tired."_

_ ~Just this last little bit, then you can rest.~_

_ "No, I want to rest now."_

_ ~Please, don't be childish. Just this last component and you'll be through.~_

"Aurian!"

_"Roger?"_

_ ~You should hurry, we don't have much time.~_

_ "But that was Roger. Why is he down here?"_

"Aurian, where are you?"

_~He is looking for you.~_

_ "Why?"_

_ ~Because he's worried.~_

_ "...Why?"_

_ ~You were hurt, and he fears for your well-being.~_

_ "Hurt?"_

_ ~Hurry and finish and then you can worry about that.~_

"Aurian!"

* * *

Roger moved quietly, not wanting to startle the woman he was seeking. He could hear her voice, hear her weariness and her frustration. She was tired and confused, never a good combination if his past experiences with her in the lab had been anything to go by.

He thought he could see her now, just barely. "Aurian?"

"Roger? What are you doing?" She was buried elbow deep into the wall she sat in front of, tugging on something weakly. "Never mind. Will you help me please? I can't seem to get it...

"Get what?" He knelt beside her, searching her for anything serious. "Aurian, you...what are you doing? You're hurt! You shouldn't be...you shouldn't even be moving!" He pulled her away from the wall, surprised that she easily came away from her task.

"Hurt? Roger, I feel fine. Tired, but..."

"Auri! You've had your chest torn open, how can you feel fine?"

"What?" Aurian raised her hands to her chest, her surgical gown still tucked around her. "It...hurts."

"Of course it does!" Roger laughed, nervously, fearfully. Aurian, the woman he loved, that he was set to commit his entire life to and had just brushed death yet again, was sitting before him like she had no idea what had happened to her. "Don't you remember?"

Remember? What was she supposed to remember? _'You remember me, don't you...'_ No, that wasn't it...creepy though it was.

"Auri, you were attacked..."

"When?" There was a buzzing in her head, like the early signs of being drunk. She knew there was something there that wanted to alert her that things were not quite right, but that there was something impeding that ability.

Roger was near exasperated. How could she not remember? Yet the look in her eyes, the confusion, was a clear indication of how much she did not remember. "Early this morning. Auri, you almost died. You can't be up and running around like this."

Aurian believed that Roger thought something bad had happened to her, and the ache in her chest told her that something definitely had, but she couldn't remove the fog in her mind to quite put it all together. There was something more important at the moment. She scooted back over to where she had been digging in the wall a little while before. "I just have to get this, then I'll be done."

"Auri, you're not listening to me." Roger grabbed her arm, trying to pull her away again.

"No!" The viciousness in Aurian's voice was enough to make Roger step back. "I..." Aurian was confused again. What was she doing? She never snapped at Roger like that... "I have to get this..."

Roger watched, all too aware of the soldiers slowly creeping up all around them. They were cutting off every possible escape route, waiting for him to grab her, or waiting for her to run. "Move." He could clearly see the thing she was trying to pull out, it looked like some sort of generator. Probably one of the fail safes. It might not have been a good idea to take it, but he could alert whomever needed to know later. If this was going to get Aurian to go back to the med bay and rest, then he would take it.

He was surprised by how easily the device slipped from its housing and was free in his hand. Aurian was far weaker than he had thought. "Are you satisfied now?" He handed her the thing, gently, not wanting to hurt her, but he was still frustrated. "Can we go back now?"

~Return.~

"Yeah, we can go back now." Aurian struggled to be steady on her feet, using the wall as support.

Roger saw the imbalance in the woman and knew he had to do something. Aurian would kill him if he picked her up – not that she would be able to enact that revenge very quickly, but she inevitably would – so instead he grabbed one of her arms and wrapped it over his shoulder, tucking his own arm under hers and around her waist. "Come on, everyone's looking for you."

"Everyone?"

"Yeah."

"...Why?"

"Because," Aurian jumped at the new voice, but immediately picked Rob out of the darkness, "You're damn near the walking dead, and that's a little creepy."

Aurian stared dumbly at the man for several seconds, as though she could not fathom how he had appeared out of the shadows, and then she snickered. "Walking dead?" The snicker warped into a giggle, the giggle into a bark, and soon she was only standing my means of Roger's stubborn refusal to allow her to collapse into a puddle on the floor. "Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!" She groaned tonelessly. She paid no mind to the extra bodies swarming around her, or the hands trying to guide her in her hysterical laughter, helping Roger help her along.

"What the _Hell_ is she on, and _how_ do I get some?" Rob asked as Will came up beside him, lending his hand in the rotation of assistance between the different soldiers trying to balance Roger who was holding up the wobbly woman.

"I don't know, but it must be amazing." Will gave his friend in arms a serious look. It was clear that Aurian should be bed bound, not wondering around the crawlspace beneath a military base.

~They will not let you finish your task.~

"Yes they will. They have to, I've worked too hard." Aurian argued seriously.

Rob looked over the woman. Knowing that she could be talking to anyone, as far as they knew, was very disturbing now that he put some thought into it. "We will what?"

"Let me finish." Seeming to sober from her momentary fit of laughter, Aurian held up the item she had worked so hard for.

"What _exactly_," Will grabbed the thing, looking it over completely lost as to what it was or what it was for, "are you building?"

"See!" Aurian demanded angrily, grabbing her hard sought hardware back from the major. "They want to know too!"

Everyone stopped moving, all of them fairly certain that Aurian had just flipped her lid even if they couldn't be sure of it.

~As we have said, you know the answer, you simply must name it.~

"Name it..._name it_?" She pushed away from the hands that held her, fully intent on having a temper tantrum worthy of a bratty five year old. "I don't even know _what_ it is! How can I name something I don't know?" The only thing that stopped her rant, of which she had much more to continue on with, was the sight of a small silver solstice tucked impossibly in the wide section of the crawlspace she stormed into. "Uh...Jazz?"

"Hey there, lil'lady!"

"What are _you_ doing down here?" The sound of boots thumping all around her told Aurian the others had followed her.

"Same as all o' them, lookin' fer ya."

"But...I thought you were claustrophobic."

Jazz opened a door for the woman, she looked as though standing was a task beyond her own capabilities at the moment. "Don' worry 'bout me, lets get ya back to Ratch, ya don' look so good."

Roger was there, guiding her forward. He was thankful for the mech-in-car-form at that moment. Aurian looked very much like she had just escaped death, and he feared that the apparition might pay a return visit.

Once Aurian was inside the small car, she found her mind struggling to put this whole thing together. Everyone was looking for her, so apparently she wasn't where she was supposed to be, but she thought she was doing what she was supposed to be doing. 'Roddi said I got hurt...' her hand touched at her chest and she was surprised by the fiery pain that burned through her. She even cried out a little at the shock.

"Auri?" Roger was sitting beside her in the small car, the other soldiers following behind, allowing the small mech to hurry his return to the med bay – and his only exit from this small space.

Aurian hardly heard the man's voice, her mind flooding with things that were both alarming, and conflicting. She remembered Sideswipe crumpled in a corner, why had he been there? What had happened to him? She remembered her fear, she had been _so_ afraid, but of what? _"Too bad you probably vont survive."_

The shriek that echoed through the crawlspace was enough to send the soldiers into an all out run to catch up to Jazz and his passengers, every one of them prepared to take on whatever invader had dared come onto their base. What they found though, instead of some hostile enemy, was Jazz wedged at an awkward angle between the close walls, one door propped open where, most likely, Aurian had forced her way out. Not that the mech couldn't have kept her in, but surely she would have hurt herself trying to be free if her current position was anything to go by.

The woman was crouched, back against the wall and arms crossed protectively in front of her, her head tucked down and eyes as tightly closed as she could get them. Roger was trying desperately to convince her that she was safe, but his words were falling on deaf ears.

Aurian continued to scream, to lash out when anything touched her, and begged to be left alone.

"Auri, please!" Roger pleaded again, earning himself a rather harsh kick to the shin for touching her arm. "You're safe, I promise, you're safe!"

"What happened?" Will was the first to reach them, Rob on his heals.

"Jazz?" Rob passed up the woman, seeing that Roger was trying to take care of her, and Will had stopped to help him, he decided to check on the mech. "You okay?"

"Ah think she busted muh audios..." the saboteur groaned miserably. His engine rumbled as he tried to unwedge himself, though he quickly came to the conclusion the only way he was going to get unstuck was to transform. "Th' lil'lady alright?"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Aurian screamed loud enough that, had there been anything else said, it was lost beneath her cry.

Jazz transformed slowly into his root mode, doing his best to ignore the tight space. The human femme's screams made it easier, distracting his processor from the closeness of everything with her own fearful desperation. "Hey," he reached out a hand to her, unafraid of her strikes. She couldn't do much harm to his armored hand. "Calm down, yer gonna hurt yerself..."

"She's bleeding again," Will pointed out, using his flashlight to light the area on her surgical gown that was growing dark.

"Auri, please, let us help you!" Roger sounded almost as desperate as Aurian did. So much so that before Jazz could grab her, he moved to capture her hands in his own, ignoring her kicks. "Auri, please..." he pulled her closer to him, forcing her to stop moving, "It's me...Roger. Please stop."

Everyone held their breath as they watched the exchange. Aurian's panic seemed to melt away as Roger whispered in her ear, finally breaking through the blind fear.

"He cut me open! He cut me open!" She latched onto the man offering her comfort. Now that Aurian's mind had caught up with everything, she found that she didn't want to remember. The ignorance of before had been blissful compared to the truth, and that 'presence' had been keeping her there.

"I know, love. I know, but you're okay now. Ratchet got to you, he saved you, but you need to calm down or everything he did for you is going to be undone."

Aurian dissolved into nothing more than gibbering whimpers and sobs, unable to calm herself.

When Jazz began his transformation back into his alt mode, she broke into new hysterics, clinging to Roger with every bit of strength she had left, begging for him to keep her safe.

Nobody knew what to say, or do for that matter. All of the soldiers, each and every one of them, had seen horrible things in the battles that they had fought – even before the Cybertronians had arrived and they were introduced to a whole new level of horror dealt by the Decepticons, but none of them had ever had to deal directly with the aftermath. That was left to the councilors and psychiatrists to handle. Sure, in some of their cases there may have been a time or two where one of the soldiers in their troop had lost it, but those were usually men who had just seen too much death. Not someone who had to deal with having seen themselves torn apart.

Roger didn't pay any attention to those around him. The only thing he cared about was that Aurian was in his arms, asking him to keep her safe, and that was what he would do. He held onto her, tried to soothe her with soft words of comfort. Somewhere in the back of his mind a little voice was screaming that they had to get her back to a doctor quickly, but that was not as important to him at the moment as assuring her that he was there for her, that he would keep her safe.

"Aurian, I won't let anything happen to you now," he whispered softly to her, "I'm sorry I wasn't here, I should have been here. I love you and I won't ever let anything take you away from me." His words seemed to be working as her hysterics faded into nothing more than soft groans. "We have to get you to a doctor, okay?" He felt her nod against his chest. Roger was thankful she seemed to be coming rational again; however, she did not move.

"I'm so tired."

"I know, it's okay." Knowing he would probably regret it later, Roger scooped one arm under her legs and held her firmly to his chest with the other. "Lets go."

Jazz willingly accepted his two passengers back, taking off as soon as they were secure inside. He couldn't get out of this hole soon enough.

* * *

_Journal entry _resumed_; rough life_

_ I really feel bad for everyone that has had to deal with me through all of this. I do. I mean, I know I can be a handful to start with, but adding all of this crap on top of it? I can't even imagine having to be someone else looking at me during these moments of pure insanity._

_ Roger – now there is a strong man. He stayed beside me through all of it. I can't believe he did. I can only imagine that any other man in his shoes would have run screaming flailing his hands over his head and declaring himself 'free' as he did. Not Roger._

_ Maybe we could make a marriage work. I mean, after all, it's not all about the contact, but the love, right? Sure we would be apart from one another most of the time, but we would both be so busy we wouldn't even realize it anyway. And when we were together...well, if he could stand beside me when I was screaming like a psychopathic conspiracy theorist then I think we could make our time together when I wasn't crazy count._

_ Sometimes...sometimes I wish I had known the future long before I had chosen my paths, but then again, if I had chosen differently just because I wanted to avoid something unpleasant, then would I have missed some of the best moments of my life? Probably._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**Winner, winner chicken dinner! I've had one successful guess on my quesiton: what is the significance of the song Aurian hum/sings throughout SciFi.**_

_**No, I'm not going to tell you who yet. No, I'm not going to tell you the answer yet. Why? Because I'm evil like that.**_

_**No, it's because I decided to take the top 3 guesses. So! Keep up your guesses and let's see who wins, k? I have also decided I'm only going to give 10 hints. I will post the last hint, then allow probably 2-3 weeks for people to get their final guesses in before I announce the top 3 winners! (and yes, if you are one of the winners, I will tell you as soon as you win so you can think of your prize. ^_~)  
**_

**_New Clue_**

**_Hint 1: The song is titled 'Fireflies'.  
_**

**_Hint 2: It is not a song she would have heard in her youth._**

**_Hint 3: The lyrics themselves have no connection to the answer - though they do tend to have some connection to the story._**

**_Hint 4: There is a message in the presence of the song, but it is not in the lyrics of the song._**

**_Hint 5: Despite their connection to the entire internet; Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are unable to find the song. (Got this hint from someone who was very close to the right answer, but still not quite there. ^_~) _****_*Winner # 1 here* _**

**_Hint 6: Aurian started humming the song in her coma where she first discovered 'The Parking Lot'._**

**_Hint 7: Time has everything to do with the answer._**

**_In other news: My last prizefic (thought I forgot, didn't you?) is nearing completion! I got high centered on the plot and couldn't find a way around it, but now I believe I have. I can only hope it's close enough to what you were looking for...I know I left out some of the requests to be contained within, but I just couldn't work them in without making this oneshot an epic. -_-;; Sorry. But anywho! It is titled Precious, and is an AU!Jazz fic. I hope everyone else also enjoys it when I post it, which should be soon. I hope...^_~  
_**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B.

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	73. Journal Entry 73

_Journal entry; lets talk hangovers_

_ No. Lets talk the mother of all mothers of hangovers._

_ I think my brain exploded and it took my stomach and small intestines with it. And I didn't even get to enjoy the drink! How fair is that?_

_ My next mission in life was to help Ratchet find where those bastards hid their high grade and destroy it. I mean _DESTROY_ it in the grandest blaze of fury and glee that I can possibly create – just as soon as I could figure out how to walk again. I don't care what either of them say, nothing is worth feeling like this._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian lay staring at a spot on the ceiling, offhandedly wondering if her skull was actually cracked open and her brains were leaking out, or if that was just a figment of her imagination.

"If you'd just let me blow them up, we wouldn't have this problem!" Ironhide continued to roar despite Ratchet's repeated demands that he lower his voice. "Those two are nothing but self-centered glitched pieces of substandard machinery!"

"Like I said before; I'm not arguing with you on this, but if you hurt them, you hurt her too." Ratchet's voice was far kinder on Aurian's excruciating headache, but it still made her car-crash-sounding heart beat seem like a pale echo in her brain. "Besides," the CMO vented harshly, "I think they thought they were actually helping her."

"How does getting overcharged beyond their fragging wildest nights in the dispensaries of Iacon supposed to help her?"

"Because, just like when she hurts, they hurt; when they feel good, she feels good."

Ironhide actually had to pause and consider this. He hadn't thought of the sensations getting overcharged could create, he had simply thought of Aurian's now miserable state of existence while she tried to recover from their binge. Had it been anybody else, he probably wouldn't think twice about telling Ratchet he was a nostalgic old fool, but he had seen what Sideswipe would do for the human woman, and he had even started to see some of the same from his twin. They honestly cared about her...even if they were idiots. "Fine. I won't slag them as soon as they wake up," Ironhide turned to leave the med bay, "but I make no promises about the first time I get them out on the practice field."

Ratchet chuckled softly. "Fair." Once Ironhide was gone, the medic surveyed the disaster that was his med bay. After the emergency surgery early that morning, Aurian trashing his diagnostic machine – of which there was a small bit of machinery sitting on top of that Jazz had given him saying it had been what Aurian was after when they found her – and having the warrior twins come stumbling in overcharged beyond a safe limit, he had to admit that the trashed state of the facility was not near as bad as it could have been.

"What should I do with these?" Jolt held up two hand fulls of things-that-could-no-longer-be-identified. The young medic looked completely drained.

"Just put them over there," he pointed to the now useless diagnostic machine. They would worry about recycling and removing everything later. Right now there were other priorities. "Go recharge. I'm putting you on observation duty tonight."

Jolt grunted. "Is that because you don't trust yourself not to slag them when they wake up, or because you're expecting another disaster?"

"Maybe a little of both. Just go." Ratchet pointed to the door, no exceptions would be made.

"Right. Catch a few breems yourself, would you? You're impossible to deal with when you haven't recharged." Jolt waved as he left the med bay. Secretly he was thankful for the release, he was exhausted, but he knew Ratchet had to be more-so. The medic had been going non stop through several of his own recharge intervals and it was only a matter of time for the lack to catch up to him. 'Ah, the hazards of being Chief Medical Officer in a crazy unit like this...of course, what other units are there?' The thought had crossed the young medic's processor more than once. How long had it been since they had received any correspondence from any of the other teams? From any one at all?

On his way to his quarters, Jolt observed those that went about their duties. The entire base had been on high alert since Scalpel's presence had been discovered, and he was somewhat amazed by the difference it caused.

The humans had teams that were armed to the point of overkill searching every square inch of the island, even though they were positive Scalpel had made his escape into the ocean. No one was willing to take any chances that there might be another Decepticon on base...well, one they _didn't_ know about.

All the Autobots were also out searching, though most of them were doing it as busy work trying to keep their processors focused on something other than the fact Scalpel had been right under their sensors and not a one of them realized it. The only exceptions to this were the warrior twins – who were currently in the med bay in a medically induced stasis while their systems were purged of the high grade they had over indulged in, Ratchet – who was keeping an eye on them and the human femme, Optimus – who, along with the human Roger Campton as Aurian's stand in, were dealing with the political repercussions of what had happened that night, and himself – on his way to mandatory recharge.

Where, in all this, was Barricade? Jolt sent an inquiry ping to the Decepticon, almost demanding an answer. In the back of his processor he was sure that everyone else had done much the same, not trusting the 'Con on base any further than they could string out his parts, but right now he didn't care. He wanted to hear for himself where the Decepticon was, what he was doing, and why he hadn't told them Scalpel was there.

::What do you want?:: If Jolt had doubted that every other Autobot had bothered the mech, he didn't now. The pure frustration in the Decepticon's voice was all the evidence he needed of that.

::Where are you?::

::Right where you all want me; in the brig.::

Jolt stopped his somewhat stomping stride. 'In the brig?' ::Who put you there?::

::I did.::

::Why?::

::Where else would you have me?::

What could he say? In all truth, that was the one place he trusted the 'Con to be. If he was locked up, they knew where he was and what he was up to, there would be no doubts as to his intentions or his actions. ::Why didn't you tell us Scalpel was here?:: He couldn't let his anger go. The Decepticon had to of known, he was a Decepticon after all...

::Like I've told everyone else, I didn't know.:: There was an honest timber of regret to the mech's tone that made Jolt think twice about his accusation. ::Trust me, if I had known...I would have done things differently.::

::What? Teamed up with the creepy little glitch to undermine us all?::

::If that had been my intentions, medic, then I wouldn't have needed the little fragger to get it done.::

::I don't believe you.::

::I know you don't. Neither does anyone else. That's why I'm in the brig.::

The statement hit Jolt like a thousand well aimed missiles. No one trusted Barricade and he knew it, so he had done the only thing that any of them would respect him for doing. It was a painfully logical move, but what did that mean? Was he actually trying to just stay out of trouble, or was he trying to make them think he was?

::How is the human?:: The question was almost offhanded, almost the sound of civil small talk, but coming from Barricade it seemed so very out of place.

::She's dealing with a Pit of a hang over from Sides and Sunny going overboard with high grade, but other than that? She's miserable.::

::She will survive though, right?::

Some little part of Jolt wanted to tell the Decepticon 'no' and see what happened, but he just didn't have it in his spark to even pretend the human might not. ::Yes. She will live.::

::Good.::

Why did he feel like the bad guy in all of this? Jolt wasn't sure where to go from here. He knew he should just go to his quarters, forget Barricade and the human and everything else for now and get a few good joors of recharge, but his spark was telling him he had to do something to show that he didn't mean to accuse the 'Con of things he probably hadn't done. Why? He wasn't sure – after all, Barricade was still a Decepticon and therefor he had no reason to not suspect him for everything. ::Why don't you go visit her? She's stable and I'm sure she would like to see you.::

::No.:: He was so crisp, so stern in his answer that Jolt felt that perhaps Barricade didn't want to see the human. Maybe he didn't actually care, he was just pretending, trying to earn some kind of trust.

::Why not?::

::Don't be an idiot. If I go anywhere near that human parasite, I'll be suspect of anything further to go wrong with her – and to tell you the truth, the way her luck goes? I don't stand a chance,:: he laughed, actually laughed at his own words. Barricade could practically see it all play out in his processor. He would walk into the med bay, the human would flat line, and he would be accused of off-lining her. ::Thanks for the update though.:: With that the Decepticon severed the communication, refusing to answer any further inquiry from the young medic.

Jolt cycled air through his systems several times before he bothered to move on. 'To the Pits if that slagging 'Con doesn't make sense.'

* * *

Aurian still lay staring at the same spot on the ceiling, offhandedly wondering if her skull was actually cracked open and her brains were leaking out, or if that was just a figment of her imagination; the same as she had been doing for hours – or if you asked her, days.

A shadow leaned over her, blocking her view, though she really couldn't make out the shape of whatever it was. "Aurian? How are you feeling?" Ratchet's voice was soft, barely a whisper, but it still boomed in Aurian's ears like a sub-woofer trying to filter too much bass.

She groaned, the first thing coming to her mind was that this feeling couldn't be good. The second was that she couldn't believe she was still breathing. "I think I'm going to die."

"I'm afraid you are not so lucky," Ratchet tried to smile, but it looked strange with his worried expression. "You are going to live."

"Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be." He moved a little, unblocking the view of the spot Aurian had picked out on the ceiling as her spot. She was even debating naming it. "You want to tell me what you were doing to my diagnostic machine?"

"I don't know."

Ratchet shook his head. Of course she wouldn't know, she was essentially overcharged at the time. "All right. I will just have to accept that for now." Looking over Aurian he could see that she was miserable – not that he could blame her one bit. She had reopened part of her incision during her escapade in the crawlspace under the base, but that in and of its self had not been of much danger to her. The fact that she had been up and running around mere hours after that kind of trauma though, did have an effect. That and being bonded to two morons who decided that overcharging was the solution they were looking for. It was pretty amazing that she was even conscious. "I'm going to give you something to help you sleep. Hopefully you can just sleep through the rest of this."

Aurian heard Ratchet's words, but didn't really understand what he was talking about. The only thing she knew was that that spot on the ceiling – Jim, she decided – was moving. At first she had been pretty sure that Jim was just a bug that had somehow gotten up there, but the more she thought about it, that was a _really _long way up.

While she watched, Jim grew, becoming a bigger spot that danced over the ceiling as though in some elegant production – but she couldn't see the other dancers and for a split second she was sad about that. It had to be a beautiful dance judging from the way Jim moved.

~A single part of the whole.~

"Seems kind of insignificant when it's all by its self."

"What?" Ratchet had stepped away to find what he would give the woman that would help ease her suffering without causing her any further danger.

"The dancer that dances alone. When you can't see the others, it seems kind of insignificant." Aurian pointed to the ceiling. The growing, dancing spot had started to spin little spirals, like it was being thrown one way and then the other, only to be caught up again by one of the invisible dancers to be tossed off again. "It's sad to look at."

"What are you talking about?" Ratchet looked at the ceiling where the woman was pointing and saw nothing. He began to worry that the woman had suffered brain damage after all.

~One may seem insignificant compared to the complete production, yet that same one, might be the most important thing of the whole show.~

"Why are you telling me riddles?"

"Who is telling you riddles, Aurian?" Ratchet had found what he was looking for, but just this moment was unsure whether or not to actually use it.

"My not-mother." Aurian laughed a little at her words. "That sounds so weird, but I don't know what else to call it."

"Why do you call it that?"

"Because it likes to act like my mother. Even likes to show up looking like my mother, but it's not my mother."

"How long has this been happening?"

"Oh, since...hmm. When was the first time you talked to me?" Aurian tracked the lone dancer across the ceiling; Jim was starting to move beyond where she could keep it in sight by just moving her eyes. "Right! When you tried to get me killed!"

"What?" Ratchet was very alarmed by this revelation.

~Your death was never our intention. We simply wished to place you in a proper location to facilitate what needed to occur.~

"Like Hell! You manipulated me and made me walk right into Starscream's hands! I still don't understand what part of that plan _didn't_ end up with me dead." The dancer suddenly leaped from the ceiling down to the top of the machinery, tucking and sliding into and out of the tiny crevices until it reached the top of one she remembered. 'I was doing something with that...'

~Things will be as they must be.~

"Aurian? Who is this...not-mother? What is it telling you?"

"You really like that phrase don't you? Or variations there of..."

~It is simply the truth, nothing more.~

Aurian rolled onto her side, intending to get up but finding once she reached this position she really had no strength to do anything more. "My head hurts, would you just get out? I don't want to deal with you."

"Aurian?"

"Not you Ratchet...this...what _are_ you?" Hadn't she done this once before? This all seemed so very familiar.

"What does this thing tell you?"

~We are you.~

Growling, Aurian tried to break her focus from the dancing spot to look at Ratchet. She succeeded, but only for a second. "It says 'We are you'. And _no you're not_!"

~We are one being.~

"One being? One being? One being doesn't talk to its self like this!" Yelling hurt, and Aurian was far beyond hurting. She wrapped her arms over her face so she didn't have to watch Jim; the dancing spot, anymore.

"One being?" Ratchet could see that Aurian was only growing more distressed, but his curiosity was peaked and this was the most she had ever spoken of any other voices she had heard that had not been Sideswipe or Sunstreaker.

"It says we are one being...whatever that's supposed to mean." Aurian groaned with her misery. Her head felt like small nuclear explosions, her chest ached and burned painfully, and she was pretty sure her stomach had vacated the vicinity all together. "Am I crazy?" She asked pathetically.

"I don't believe so." Deciding that it was the best option, Ratchet gave Aurian the medicinal concoction he had created to hopefully give her some relief. "Try and sleep, okay? Your body is in dire need of rest."

Aurian grunted her agreement, hardly noticing that Ratchet had poked her with a needle at all. The only thing that refused to let her pretend it hadn't happened was the semi pleasing, chilled feeling that started to creep through her veins.

As sleep began to consume her, Aurian took one last look at the thing her unintentionally-drunk state had produced. Like a light switching on, she knew what it was.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; -_-zzzz_

_ I'm sleeping. Leave me be._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

***WINNERS*WINNERS*WINNERS***

**I have my three winners:**

**Top guess but third winner was Darklight8121**

**The Second guess and Second winner was Silvera hikari  
**

**And the first guess but third winner was Secret Snow**

**~*~No, I'm not giving you the answer yet. You'll either have to try and figure it out, or wait until it is revealed several chapters from now. ^_^!~*~  
**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B.

And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing.


	74. Journal Entry 74

_Journal entry; making phone calls_

_ Is so much easier when you have the means by which to make them..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'I should be sleeping.' Aurian checked one more time to make sure Ratchet actually was in recharge and not pretending for some reason she couldn't imagine.

The mech had slipped into recharge while reviewing some files and Aurian had woken with the need to finish what she had begun.

Pushing up with one foot she wondered how she had managed to climb this thing so many times without hurting herself more. Right now just moving was painful enough. 'Why am I doing this?'

"Because you hate to leave things unfinished." The not-mother was standing a bit above where Aurian had begun her climb, offering a hand to the woman as she struggled.

Aurian latched onto the appendage that she knew didn't really exist, even if she could feel it and it did seem to help pull her up. "And I'm sure you have nothing to do with it."

"At this point? We do not." The doppelganger pushed Aurian past her, up to the next point where she could get a firm grip to move on. "This is completely of your own driving forces."

"Why didn't you just tell me what this was? I would have been more than happy..." Aurian slipped, only to be caught up by the false-mother before she could fall and placed back to firm footing.

"You were not in an appropriate state of mind. Besides that, we can only guide you through what you already know. You always had the final say in whether or not this came into existence."

"Why wouldn't I want to give them this?" She tugged at the panel that Ratchet had sealed. It wasn't giving under her persuasion but the not-mother joined her, lending strength to lever the panel open. Aurian slipped inside carefully.

"Don't forget this." The doppelganger leaned in, the small generator-like device she had been hunting before in her hand.

Aurian took the thing and scooted through the inner workings of the machine she had re-purposed in her secondhand high grade high. "Ratchet's gotta be pissed about this."

"He will get over it."

"I don't know, he really doesn't seem like the kind of 'bot to just let things go." Reaching the place the device would fit, Aurian pushed it into place. "That should do it. Right?" As soon as the bit was fully in place the machine began making whirring sounds.

"It would seem so."

"Aurian? Where are you?" Ratchet's voice was perturbed, frustrated, on the edge of worry, and tired.

"It would also seem it is loud enough to wake your medic." The not-mother reached a helping hand back to Aurian, easing her up from her crouched position and helping her back to the access panel, then she was gone.

"I'm here, Ratchet." She started to climb out of the machine, only to find herself picked up by the CMO.

"Why do you continue to push the limits? Do you not understand your physical condition? Do you think yourself above mortality? What?" Ratchet was angered to say the very least, but more than that he was baffled. Aurian showed more than enough self preservation instincts to prove that she was aware of her own impermanence, and it was clear from her movements that she was in pain, yet she still continually pushed her boundaries, went to the very edge of what her body could handle and seemed unaware of the dangers that awaited her there.

Aurian just relaxed into the medic's grip, allowed him to examine her as she knew he must be doing. "I know, Ratchet. I'm sorry. I just couldn't sleep easy until it was done."

"What was done?" Ratchet snapped angrily.

"Teletran."

Ratchet stared blankly at the human in his hands. Honestly, he thought he was far beyond this point of shock with her, yet, here he was once more practically frozen with surprise by a simple word rolled from her lips.

"I guess I'm going to have to depend on you guys to give it the proper suffix, I don't know what generation it is." Aurian felt as though sleep would finally be allowed her. A natural sleep, one that she could fall easily into and not wake every few minutes from dreams or pain. "I just had to get it done..."

There was not a doubt in his processor that the human he now held was beyond her limits and that she would sleep for a long time; however, now was a moment he wished her spiteful persistence to prove she could resist the calls of her own body would have held. "Teletran?"

As though uttering the name aloud activated the machine, it began making odd noises, one of the larger monitors in the med bay – somehow not surprisingly the same salvaged piece of equipment Aurian had hacked on the old base to play something she had called 'Spider Solitaire' – began displaying images of star charts.

Now, Ratchet had never for a moment doubted that Aurian's human talents with technology were above average for her species – he had seen the reports on her previous work and had seen enough touches of it around them to know it was true. However, looking at the once diagnostic machine turned into something so beyond what the machine had ever been capable of, Ratchet knew that Aurian alone could not have completed such a task.

::Optimus, I think you need to come to the med bay immediately.::

::What is wrong now?:: It was clear from the Autobot leader's tone that he was not prepared to handle anything more. The mech had been running for as long as, if not longer than Ratchet had over the past orn or so, and he was exhausted.

::I don't quite know how to explain this...but I think Aurian has just given us long distance communications.::

It didn't take long for Optimus to appear in the med bay, not surprisingly with Roger hitching a ride.

"Where's..." Before the man could finish his demanding question, Ratchet took him from Optimus and set him next to the sleeping woman.

"She's sleeping. She's fine." Was all he would say to the human before turning back to his friend and leader. ::There's a science team out there, too far for them to have heard your signal yet, but this...:: Ratchet waved to the machine that was making all kinds of interesting noises now, ::apparently can pick up theirs.::

::What is it?::

::Teletran.::

Optimus looked at the CMO as though he thought his audios might be malfunctioning. There was no way he could have heard what he thought he had just heard.

::Aurian built a Teletran,:: Ratchet confirmed. ::It is substandard, primitive; it can receive, but cannot send. At least not at that distance. Still, it is a Teletran without doubt.::

::How did she manage...::

::There is no way I can think of that would allow her to have had the knowledge to build this, Optimus. I don't even have all the data to have been able to build a Teletran on my own. Maybe Wheeljack could have to some degree, but there is no explanation for this.::

::I think I may know what is going on.:: Optimus wasn't sure if he was elated, or fearful of what all this meant. Aurian had confessed to him once before that she thought the Allspark shard had a life presence of its own, and that it manipulated things around it to reach the ends to its own means, but she hadn't had contact with the shard for orns. Did that mean that once the essence she spoke of gained some control of a being, it maintained some kind of control over them permanently? ::Track that team, see if there is any chance at reaching them sooner.:: Optimus looked at the charts the new Teletran machine was showing. The team was currently on a path that would bring them just close enough to his previous broadcast range that their chances of hearing it were fair, but not guaranteed. ::Who is on that team?::

::Not verified yet. There is only a general registration at this point that it is a science team.::

::Can you extend the signal? Perhaps get some communication to them?::

Ratchet nodded. "I will see what I can do." He could only imagine what was going through Optimus's processor at that moment. ::What do you know, Prime?::

::I do not know anything for sure at this time, but I have a notion that there are things beyond us involved now.:: His optics slid over to the sleeping woman, and the man at her side. For the first time since her arrival, Optimus thought he truly understood that her presence was not coincidence, nor was it of her own persuasion. His spark grieved for her suffering. Thinking that there may be greater powers out there manipulating her made him angry – she had tried to tell him before...

"No!" Ratchet's shout drew Optimus's attention to the screen he had been watching. The chart had been displaying a single red mark with a simple tail sign marking it as an Autobot science vessel, but now there was a purple mark moving in on the red one with a very clear, well known sign marking it.

The two mechs could only watch as the purple mark overtook the red one, understanding all too well what it represented. The team they had hoped to call to them had been captured by Decepticons, and there was nothing they could do to help them.

* * *

Roger had watched the two mechs with distant interest. He figured from their actions that something important had happened, something bad if their reactions had been anything to judge by, but they were not his primary concern.

Aurian was sleeping peacefully and that was what mattered to him right now. She looked like she was having pleasant dreams, or maybe it was no dreams at all, either way his heart was lightened by seeing her without pain masking her face.

When they had called him back to Diego Garcia, stating it was an 'emergency', he had known something had happened to Aurian. He wondered how he was going to continue to deal with this. Always fearing, always knowing the next call could be worse than the previous, that one could be to tell him she was gone. This call had almost been that...she had almost been taken away from him forever.

"Auri, I can't live without you." He whispered, giving sound to his deepest fears. "I can't even imagine a life that doesn't have you in it. You can't keep doing this...not to yourself, not to me." Winding her soft hair through his fingers, Roger came to realize just how much he meant those words. Any time he even considered that Aurian might not be in his life, his heart hurt and he felt a violent anger. He wanted to yell, and to cuss, to hit and destroy anything around him just to release that anger. "I need you with me. Remember that, okay? No matter what happens, I need you."

Roger ignored everything around them. Nothing concerned him at all other than the woman he was watching over, and those that came and went left them alone, so he saw no need to worry about whatever it was they were busing themselves over.

He had Aurian and that was good enough for him.

* * *

Near a silent shore, through the darkness of night a jet broke the clouds that rolled over the ocean. The engines were silent as it descended unnaturally to the ground, smoothly trading the shape of a jet plane to that of a bipedal robot.

"Report."

"Zhe Project vas a success." The much smaller medical 'bot scuttled across the sand toward the larger mech, another small creature following close behind. "It is operational...far from perfection, but a good beginning, yes."

"Good." Starscream snatched up the second creature. It screeched and squealed in his non-too-gentle grasp, but it did not try to get away. "It looks...human."

"An unfortunate zide effect, I am afraid." Scalpel shrugged, or what could be considered a shrug from the odd shaped 'bot.

Almost without care, Starscream dropped the small, humanoid creature into a storage compartment. "You can repeat this process?"

"If zhe conditions are correct, yes."

"I believe we may have obtained some assistance for you." An evil smirk crept over Starscream's face.

As soon as the small field medic started ascending his leg Starscream leaped into the air, transforming back to his jet mode and firing his engines. His destination beyond the Earth's atmosphere.

* * *

"I'm not talking to you." Aurian buried her face deeper into the chest of the body she was currently cuddling.

"What?" Roger had been more than willing to allow the woman to use him as her personal pillow, he had even fallen asleep himself. When Aurian had began mumbling he had instantly become alert.

"Sideswipe. I'm not talking to him," she explained through a half awake grumble. "He keeps saying he's sorry, but I don't care. I'm not talking to him."

"The silent treatment to a being who can talk to you in your head...somehow I feel that isn't very effective." Roger laughed, wrapping one arm around the woman's shoulders, holding her close to him. "But, I suppose if anyone could do it, it's you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you have a way of getting things done, that's all."

Aurian laughed sleepily. "Nice cover."

"I thought so."

The two lay silently for quite some time before Aurian stirred again.

Roger released her as she pushed up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just feel a little restless." That was the closest she could think of to the feeling she was having. It was similar to anxiety, though laced with the sense of acceptance. It was like she was being tugged at from several different directions all at once, but none of them were pulling hard enough to actually win her from the others. She felt she needed to do something, yet at the same time understood that there was nothing she could do.

"You need to be resting." He helped her sit up, since it was perfectly clear that she would not lay back down.

Aurian's gaze was drawn to the machine she had dubbed Teletran Unknown – since she wasn't sure of it's generation, or even if it would have a generation. She was somewhat pleased to see that it had been moved, along with one of the med bay's old monitors from the previous base, to a corner away from the rest of the machinery. Even from the distance it was she could tell that someone had made some modifications to it and a part of her was giddy that her creation had been accepted by the Autobots, even if a little bit of her felt possessive of the device and was somewhat annoyed that there had been modifications made without her approval. Though, how much could she really argue since the base machine had been theirs to begin with? What she did notice was that there was a list forming at the bottom left corner, every few minutes a new line was added. The script was in Cybertronian, but she could guess at what it was saying: Contact attempt failed.

"Where's Ratchet?"

Roger was instantly alarmed. "Why? Are you hurting? What's wrong?"

"No," Aurian tried to reassure the man that she was fine with a soft tone and a gentle hand brushing his own wrapped around her. "I feel as good as I can, considering. I just wanted to know if they'd reached anyone."

"How?"

Aurian pointed to the machine. "Teletran. It's kinda like a video phone on crack. I can't say I know what all it can do, I never really did understand the thing even in the shows, but I get the gist of it."

Roger didn't know what to say or do. He could argue that what she was saying made no sense, but he had long since learned that Aurian didn't always have to make sense to be right. He had seen the Autobots rush around like proverbial headless chickens for a while, but he hadn't paid them one iota of attention. "You...are something else."

"Why?"

"Do you realize that most people, in your situation, wouldn't give a flying rats ass about contacting aliens after everything you've been through?"

"Roger..."

"No, I'm serious. It's amazing." He brushed a hand lightly down the side of her face, his eyes tracing every feature of her – the way her eyes sparkled, on the verge of anger yet still so kind; the way her lips turned down in the slightest of frowns; the color of her cheeks – everything. "Every time I turn around you blow me away with just how unlike most people you are."

"I just want what's right, Roger. They need each other..."

"We need each other." He met her eyes, every bit as serious as he had ever been in his entire life. "Aurian Fae Towns, I need you. I need you to be by my side forever – or for as long as life permits. If I've learned nothing else from all this, I've learned that much."

"Roger, that's sweet..." Aurian wasn't sure how to continue. What could she say to that? He was being sincere, he honestly felt what he said and she could feel it in his words, in his body language; everything about him called out to her. "I'm lucky to have you in my life, I wouldn't want it any other way."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; results_

_ Okay, so I'm not going to act like I really knew what I had done to build Teletran Unknown – trust me, Ratchet grilled me hard enough on it that if I had any notion that I might have had a clue, I didn't when he was done. For all I knew it was the dancing spot, Jim, that had done it. Damn it Jim..._

_ Optimus was quick to spirit me away to his office as soon as Ratchet freed me from the med bay almost two full weeks later. Something about trauma...I don't know. I really didn't pay it too much attention. I had other distractions._

_ What did Optimus want? Well, he said that Ratchet had told him that I had told Ratchet that (yeah, I know, sounds like the gossip line in high school, huh?) the so dubbed 'Not-Mother' had said we were 'one being' and he was concerned as to why. Lets just say it was a really long and extremely awkward conversation involving details I really hadn't wanted anyone to ever hear._

_ Ratchet had been pretty strict on my recovery, I guess that Scalpel's surprise surgery left him feeling far more cautious of my progress than he had after the exploratory surgery he had administered before. His attentions were pretty focused between me and Teletran Unknown. I really did wonder when, or if, he ever took time to rest._

_ Roger stayed at the base for my entire recovery, though I'm not entirely sure how he managed that. I know they wanted him back on the Allspark project, yet here he was, with me. We spent every minute that we were allowed together. I was really starting to understand just how deeply that man felt for me...and how much I really felt for him. Love is blind, they say. Well, I really want to know what deity it was that decided that Love's grand reveal had to be the result of alien invasion, war, torture, unimaginable trauma, being completely uprooted from your home and deposited in the center of chaos, and divided by vocation, because that divinity deserves a two ton punch to the face. By Ironhide. Twice._

_ Sideswipe and Sunstreaker...well...Sides only bothered me for a few days. I kept telling him I wasn't talking to him. Gods I was an idiot. I failed to realize that by not clarifying that I wasn't talking to him due to my secondhand hangover from Hell, he thought I blamed him for Scalpel..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**Sorry guys, this is your update on the run. Really wanted to get a chapter out today, so...here it is! The next several chapters are in revision, so there may be a slightly longer than anticipated wait on the next update, and I apologize for that too.**_

_**As for my contest winners: I've gotten one request (pending start date), and one response for a request on hold. Waiting to hear from one more.**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B.

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	75. Journal Entry 75

_Journal entry; realizing our mistakes_

_ Sometimes you realize you've made a mistake right away and you can generally fix it without too many repercussions. However, when nearly three weeks pass before your little voice in the back of your head – or in certain cases a giant golden alien robot with a _really _bad attitude – finally breaks through your stubborn ignorance – or door...or building...whatever – and points out your stupidity – sometimes with a really, really big gun – the damage has been done and has had time to fester._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Sides! Damn it, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry before you answer me?" Aurian was pushing through the vegetation around the base. She was sure Sideswipe had to be out here somewhere; Sunstreaker said he'd vanished several days ago and was refusing any communications from anyone, but there had been no transport to leave the island. "Sides? Sideswipe? Please, answer me?"

She felt horrible now that she realized just how cruel she had been to the mech. He blamed himself for not protecting her when Scalpel had attacked her, but she had never even considered that he might feel that way. He had been just as much a victim of the deranged little field medic as she had that night. Well, okay, maybe not as much, but still. What could he have done? How could he have changed anything? No one had known Scalpel was there and there was no way Sideswipe could have known any different.

"Sides, it wasn't you're fault. I wasn't mad about what Sc..." her whole body shivered at just the thought of the little mech's name, "about what happened. I was angry about the hangover." Deciding the search was never going to prove fruitful for her – she could feel him in her heart, she knew he was there, but he didn't want her to find him – Aurian sat against one of the palm trees to rest. She had spent a good part of the morning walking in circles trying to catch even a glimpse of the silver warrior, but she knew better. If he didn't want to be seen, he wouldn't be seen. Not unless he lost his focus, which she was positive that right now he would not. "I wasn't thinking about it, you know? It never crossed my mind for a second that you might have thought I blamed you. Because I don't, didn't, and never will.

"Geez, but do you have any idea what being drunk when you had nothing to do with it is like? Guess you do...but I never did until then. It's really weird and very...um...very..." Aurian struggled for a word. She just couldn't think of what to call it other than weird. "It's just something I don't really want to feel again, okay?"

Silence continued as Aurian waited for some sign that the mech was listening to her. She wanted him to understand just how sorry she felt, though no words seemed to be enough.

"Sides, please at least tell me you hear me? I need to know you're there." Still no answer. Was he really there? Or maybe Aurian was making up that strange pulling feeling in her heart that told her he was close, just out of sight. Maybe she just wanted him to be there so badly that she was creating the sensation herself. It wasn't unheard of for people to create symptoms of something they wanted, or feared, just to make their minds believe they were not crazy – as backwards as that may seem. "I don't want you to go away," she whispered, tucking her face into her arms. If Sideswipe was mad at her, she decided she could handle that. If he hated her, she could even live with that. As long as he was still _there_, she was sure she could deal with anything.

As she sat with her face tucked down, she could just see the scar on her hand that she had earned for touching Sideswipe when she found him after his landing. It was a strange little mark – little as far as Cybertronians went anyway – but to her it had become something more than just a mark. It was a part of Sideswipe that had become a part of her. A more physical piece of him than the bond they shared – to her at least. It wasn't so much that she didn't treasure it, or that she would want the bond gone, but at least she could look at the mark and know that he had been there, once; that she had touched him and been a part of his life. The bond was more personal, but she could not look at it, which to her mind made it less permanent.

Deciding that sitting here would only lead to depression, Aurian got to her feet and brushed herself off. She didn't say anything to the mech she hoped was lingering just beyond her line of view as she headed back for the base, but she did send a sensation over their bond. She accepted that he did not want to be around her, that he did not want to acknowledge her. She was still hurt by it, but she accepted it.

* * *

Ratchet stared at the machine Aurian so fondly called Teletran Unknown. It wasn't that he hadn't looked at the thing, he had. In fact, he had been glaring at it seemingly non-stop for almost a full Earth month now, hoping for some response from space-bound Autobots, or any further sign of the captured science team. He was very familiar with all of its little sounds and not-quite-right set up; however, today was the first time he had noticed Aurian's signature in the machine's inner workings. Not in written words, but in the way she put things together. The way she braided wires, or tied down mechanisms. He'd seen this signature before and had been baffled by it. Now he was downright out of his processor with disbelief.

::Jazz, I need you in the med bay for a check-up.::

::What? Why?::

::Just get in here.::

::Ah thought we'd moved passed these spontaneous check-ups. What's goin' on?::

::Get in here,:: Ratchet snapped. ::Now.::

Jazz stood dumbfounded. Ratchet didn't usually snap at him like that unless he had pushed the medic's buttons. As far as he was aware, he hadn't done anything recently to earn such a response. His distraction allowed Ironhide to land a rather powerful strike against him, knocking the saboteur from his feet.

The two had been sparring, and up until Ratchet's strange demand, Jazz had been holding the upper hand.

"Losing your touch?" Ironhide offered his companion a hand up.

Jazz accepted the offer, brushing debies from his frame as he gained his feet. "Ah gotta go see Ratch."

"I didn't hit you that hard, did I?" Even though Jazz seemed perfectly fine, everyone always worried about him, memories of his death lurking in their processors.

"Nah, mech's just bein' paranoid." Jazz tried to come up with some reason Ratchet was suddenly demanding his check-up again; it had been quite some time since the medic had finally decided he was functional and there was nothing to worry about.

Nothing came to him as he crossed the base and entered the medical wing.

As soon as he stepped through the doors to the med bay, Ratchet was pushing him to a berth.

"Sit. I need to take a look at some of your wiring."

Jazz hardly resisted the medic's insistent guidance, but that didn't mean he was just going to sit back and be poked at without some explanation as to why. "Yer actin' strange, Ratch. What's got yer wires crossed?"

"I just need to verify something." The CMO quickly removed some paneling on Jazz's mid section, being as gentle as his desire to know would let him. "Before you were reactivated, someone worked on you. It was not me, and it was not Jolt. Up to this point, I thought it might have been an odd side-effect from your unexpected reactivation."

"What changed?" Jazz did his best to sit still. Ratchet was being careful, but his inner workings were still sensitive. He didn't like the feeling one bit.

Ratchet found what he was looking for; Earth-based wiring bundled, braided and wrapped from right to left in a very neat spiral. Jazz's self-repair systems had started to fortify the weaker Earth materials, but the evidence was still there, still clear to the medic's keen optic. "It's the same."

"What is?"

"The way your wiring is wrapped and the way the Teletran wiring is wrapped."

Jazz's processor easily put one and one together, yet what that added up to disturbed him a little. "Aurian fixed meh?"

Ratchet nodded.

"How?"

"The same way she knew how to build a Teletran, I would have to assume."

"An' how's that?  
"I don't know." Ratchet put Jazz's paneling back in place. His processor running hard, trying to understand everything this one little clue could mean. "Optimus might, though."

The two mechs left the med bay together, determined to seek some answers from their leader.

* * *

Aurian sat in the mess hall, fully in a funk. Sideswipe's refusal to speak to her had hit her pretty hard. She had hoped that if she left him alone for a while with her words and her acceptance fresh in his spark, that he would at the very least reach out to her, but he had not. Now she didn't know what to do.

Sunstreaker was still livid with her – actually she was pretty sure 'livid' was a pale word for the amount of frustrated anger the mech was expressing, but she couldn't think of anything better – and Roger had finally had to return to his project, under the threat of losing it. He had told Aurian that he would drop it, that he would stay with her, but she wouldn't have it. No, she still wasn't comfortable with him working with the Allspark, but she knew that he would be miserable if he let it slip past him. Not only that, but if he dropped that project, she knew it would only be a matter of time before he was trying to stir up something new – Megatron was still a temptation for the man that she would rather not give any opportunity for.

On top of all of that, she was due for another ambassador mission and she wasn't sure who would go with her.

"Hey, kid. How are you feeling?" Rob slid into the seat beside the distracted woman.

"Like a high-class ass." She pushed her food away with disinterest. Honestly, would they never improve the menu? "Sides still won't talk to me."

"He'll get over it."

"Sunny's going to squish me if I don't make things better soon."

Rob stifled a snicker at her statement. He knew, just as well as most of the soldiers on the base did, that Sunstreaker would do no such thing. If only because he would have to deal with the 'disgusting biological gunk stuck on the bottom of his foot', but Rob knew that the mech wouldn't harm her any more than he would cause his brother any dangerous injury. "That hardly seems fair."

Aurian groaned, letting her head fall onto the table. "And to make it all so much better; I've got to be in Russia in six hours. I can't take Sunny, and I doubt Sides is willing to go." She sighed dejectedly. "Maybe I'll just go alone."

"You can't do that. Everyone's already pretty up in arms over the factthat you're going back to work so soon."

"What?" Aurian was taken aback to hear that anyone would object to her resuming her duties. Sure, Roger had thought she should have taken a rather extended vacation, but that was to be expected. He seemed to think her some kind of fragile doll to be kept safe on a shelf. Fat chance. "Why?"

"Are you kidding? After everything you've just been through? A soldier would find himself landed in R'n'R for at least a couple of months, not up and going again in three weeks."

Tipping her head just enough to look at the man beside her, Aurian decided that Rob was being serious. He was really concerned for her and honestly felt that she should not be returning to her duties yet either. She also realized that, despite some probably more false starts than true beginnings, they had become rather good friends over the past months. 'Hasn't it been more like a year?' She could respect his concerns; however, she had good reasons for a quick return to duty. "I can't just sit around, Rob."

"That's more than obvious. Still, you should take it easy for a while."

"Ratchet bribe you or something?" Aurian laughed. "I know you mean well, but I don't think you understand. If I drop out of my duties, questions are going to rise. I can't cause the Autobots more trouble from some human government just so I can 'take it easy'.

"Mr. Galloway, for one, already thinks they're controlling me somehow. I don't need to give him any more fodder for his 'gimme weapons' campaign."

"Why are you worried about him? It's not like he can do much, he doesn't even have real clearance."

Aurian sighed as she sat upright again. "Big trouble starts small, Rob. That man has an agenda and he has no lost love for the war the Cybertronians have brought to Earth. He's already got some rather strong points that even I have to consider. All he needs is the right leverage and everything will go downhill from there." She stood, dismissing any further argument. "I've got to go get ready. I'll talk to you later."

Leaving the man to ponder over what a politician like Galloway could do with the right kind of accusation, Aurian headed for the room she had briefly shared with Roger.

She had only spent a few nights there with her 'trial run husband', but she still felt that being there was a little closer to being with him. That and because Sunstreaker had all but evicted her from their quarters until she made things right with Sideswipe, and she had still yet to return to her room since the night of her first nightmare – now even more sure that she didn't want to return since she knew it hadn't been a dream.

Roger's room was one of the officer's quarters, though he still hadn't told her exactly how he had earned that place, he certainly didn't carry the title. Being an officer's room, it was larger than the room she had been given, and it had more amenities; however, now all those things just made it seem so much emptier without Roger actually there with her.

Grabbing what she had come for, Aurian made quick work of packing and getting herself ready to leave.

She didn't pay much attention to anyone as she passed down the hallway, her mind already trying to focus on the task at hand. She didn't speak Russian, and her little handbook wouldn't help her much once a real debate started. She was going to have to be careful of what she said, even though the representative she was meeting with spoke a fair amount of English, and there would be a translator present as well, she felt that it would be a more two-on-one battle rather than the calm one-on-one discussions she preferred.

As she approached Optimus's office to report that she was ready to depart and to see who he had assigned to her for an escort this time, she began to realize the quiet surrounding her.

There were a few soldiers in the hall, but they seemed half frozen – with either shock or disbelief, maybe both, she wasn't sure. Before she could ask anyone what was going on, she was snatched up from the floor at an alarming rate.

"We're leaving." Sideswipe didn't so much as look at the woman in his hand as he rushed through the base.

"Sides? What's going on?"

The mech didn't answer, and it made Aurian very uneasy.

Once they were outside she quickly found herself in the driver's seat of a very familiar Stingray as the mech continued to race toward the plane.

"Sides, seriously...what's going on?"

"Don't worry about it."

"That doesn't help any. What happened? Why does everyone look like there was a bomb dropped somewhere?"

"It's nothing that concerns you right now."

"Did someone get hurt? Is Sunstreaker okay?" Aurian instinctively reached for the other twin through their bond. Even though she could still sense the mech was displeased with her, he had not shut her out, and that eased her fear momentarily.

"Sunny is fine." There was a tone to Sideswipe's voice, slightly softer than it had been, that told Aurian he may be willing to forgive her, though right this moment was not the time for heartfelt apologies.

"Then what is going on?"

"Decepticons attacked."

Aurian's guts turned to knots. "Where?"

"Somewhere near Germany."

"What happened?"

"Same as always; they came, destroyed some stuff, and ran like cowards before we could deploy anyone."

The woman knew there was something more to it. The looks had been clear enough for her to know that it had not been a 'usual' attack. "What did they attack?"

Rolling onto the waiting plane, Sideswipe found a place that didn't feel too cramped, and sat in silence.

"Sides, what did they attack?"

The thrum of the engines did nothing to distract Aurian. "Sideswipe. What did they attack?" She was partially annoyed that he wasn't answering, but more afraid of why he wasn't answering. His tone helped nothing at all; with flat, snappy answers she didn't know if he was still angry with her and didn't want to tell her specifically to make her worry – but she couldn't see him doing that to her – or that he was trying to spare her something stressful, frightening, or some other emotionally taxing event. The images that began filling her head grew more and more vivid the longer the silence continued. What could they have been seeking in Germany?

"They attacked a school. A 'girl's boarding school', according to Major Lennox."

'Why?' had honestly been Aurian's first thought, but it didn't take very long before she was pretty sure she knew. With a deep, soul-freezing dread, she was almost certain she did. "H-how many?" Her voice cracked weakly. She didn't really want to know the number.

"Reports said twenty students were taken. Five were found several miles away." Sideswipe hesitated to go any further. He could already feel Aurian's grief building. However, he realized he didn't have to say it. Aurian knew; they had not survived.

"What are we going to do about it?" She forced her voice to be strong, demanding. This was a time for action, not for falling apart. There were lives at stake, and there would soon be even more if they didn't act quickly. Somewhere, in the back of her mind she was curious that they were still allowing her to travel to her ambassador mission right in the wake of such an open attack by the Decepticons.

"Optimus has ordered a search. We're trying to come up with some idea ofwhere they might strike next. He thinks they have a reason for what they did."

"What do you think?" Aurian felt an odd pressure through their bond; a mix of guilt and relief, frustration and anxiety, but those were all practically washed out by a impulsive desire to destroy, yet at the same time, to hide. "Sides, what's really going on here?"

"Ratchet might have mentioned that there might be some connection between what happened to you and this attack." A faint rumble trembled through the car, sending shivers through Aurian. "I'm taking you somewhere safe."

"Safer than the base? Wait, what about my meeting in Russia?"

"Taken care of. Canceled. The diplomat caught wind of the attack and retracted his request."

"That's not good..." Aurian could already hear the roaring voices blaming the Autobots for this and any number of other things that they had no control over. If she couldn't convince those who needed to know that it was not any fault of the 'bots she represented, she feared things would go poorly for them in a rather short amount of time. "We need to arrange an emergency meeting with all the delegates associated with the N.E.S.T. Project. We have to stop any misinformation, hostilities, rumors. This could break any cooperation between our races if we don't do something right away!"

"You need to be kept where those 'Con's can't find you!" The snarl in his voice was almost enough to scare Aurian. If she thought for a moment Sideswipe would intentionally harm her, she would probably have been terrified.

"Sides, this is the worst time for me to go into hiding! I have to show them that I have confidence that you guys can protect this world from the Decepticons, show them that _I_ believe _you_ can keep _me_ safe!"

"We weren't able to keep you safe." His tone had dropped to a defeated regret. For all his promises, for all his skills, his bravo, his _reputation – HE_ had not been able to keep Aurian safe. None of them had.

Aurian felt Sideswipe's self-reproach as clearly as her own. "Sides, that wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. How could you have known?" She wanted so badly for him to believe her words. She didn't blame him, so he shouldn't blame himself either. "Where are we going?"

"The last place they would look for you."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; credit_

_ You have to give it where it is due._

_ To tell you the truth, when Sideswipe said 'the last place they would look for me' I could only think of deep, underground panic shelters, or secluded mountain strongholds..._

_ Instead, I was delivered to a rather nice place that I found not only pleasing, but familiar; the Lennox's farm._

_ Sarah was more than happy to see me, despite the fact that she knew exactly why they were hiding me away on their farm once again, and much to my surprise – so were Sam, Mikaela, and Bumblebee._

_ You know? It had been a little more than a year since all of this strangeness began, and I had only gotten to speak to Sam once. When I thought about that, I was a little surprised. Guess I just assumed they would have visited the Autobots on base more often than that._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	76. Journal Entry 76

_Journal entry, great minds_

_ Or processors. Whatever._

_ Optimus, being the wise, centuries old mech that he is, agreed with me on the thought of an emergency meeting of diplomats. We had to get this scare under control before it spread and did irreparable damage._

_ And I was worried about dealing with two at once...how was I supposed to deal with ALL of them? You know, sometimes you don't think about how to deal with what's right until you've already committed to it._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ladies and gentlemen! Please, calm down!" Aurian was highly considering jumping on the table before her and throwing balled up papers at the accumulated delegates until someone paid her some attention.

She had not realized just how many people were associated with N.E.S.T., and trying to maintain control over an already edgy group of people was proving rather difficult. Accusations had started immediately; however, much of the blame wasn't falling on the Autobots as she had thought it would.

Different countries were blaming others for the crisis at had; claims of secret alliances, of desires to start a war between them and others...it was simply amazing to Aurian. She could hardly fathom some of the thoughts these people had toward one another.

"Children are dead!" That had done it. One of the German representatives had stood and started pacing toward the front of the conference hall they had commandeered for this meeting. "Someone has to take responsibility for this."

There were a few shouts of agreement from other officials, but the way the German woman was looking at her gave Aurian the distinct sensation she wasn't going to like where this was going to lead.

"Who?" The woman continued, her glare not easing at all. "Who will take this blame?"

"That is what I have come here to discuss with you all." Aurian looked over the various degrees of shock and anger in her audience's faces. "This tragedy is the first of many if we do not work together to prevent a repeat."

"I thought the aliens were supposed to be friendly!" Aurian knew that voice in an instant.

With a deep breath to stop the urge to snap something rather undiplomatic at the man, she picked him from the crowd. It was as easy as if he had been the only body standing in the room with her. "As I have explained to you before, Mr. Galloway; there are two factions represented here on Earth. There are the Autobots – the ones we are allied with, of whom I represent. They are here to promote peace between our races. They wish us no harm and will do what they can to help us. They have already given us information that has allowed us leaps and bounds in science, medicine, construction, and we are currently working on some space travel. They offer us great amounts of helpful information, for the cost of their residence on our planet.

"However, there are also the Decepticons. They have no care for us as a species and do not see us as equals. Unlike the Autobots, they rarely, if ever, believe that sentient means worthy of living.

"The Autobots are doing their best to help protect us from the Decepticons, but as you can see – Decepticons can be very unpredictable at times."

"Which is why we should be better equipped to defend ourselves!" Galloway shouted, inspiring many aggressive cheers of agreement from other representatives.

Aurian watched as the small amount of control that the German delegate had allotted her dwindled back into chaos, her own temper beginning to soar. This was ridiculous. She was never going to gain any control of this meeting, she would never get these people to see her point of view, or to see why what Galloway was asking for was not the answer to the problem. Not so long as Galloway himself continued to drive the crowd in an unthinking demand for weaponization. What was she going to do?

"You are right." She spoke evenly, firmly and without inflection. This had to be done carefully or she would be digging a deeper hole than she was already in. "We do need to be better prepared. We have known that since the awareness of Cybertronians on Earth was established as a fact. That is why N.E.S.T. was created, why I was employed, why we are here right now.

"We have been discussing options with all nations because the Autobots wish to keep their gifts of knowledge to us from turning us against each other. They live every moment of their lives in a war against their own kind and do not wish to see the same thing happen to us. They do not want to be the ones to cause it. I'm sure, delegates, that you can all sympathize with this." Aurian took a moment to look around the room. The representatives had settled and were finding their seats again. It was pretty clear that her point had struck the home she was seeking. Every one of them wanted more power, power that could levy their country over the others, something to prove that they were better or at least worthy of some great respect from others; none of them thought about how their desire for more might look from an outside point of view. Surely, if any one of them were to gain more power than the others through the alien visitors, war would be unavoidable. Nobody truly wanted war.

"Who are they to say what we do?" Galloway challenged, unhindered by the stroke of morals others were having. He believed, to the core of his being, that they had the right to choose for themselves what they would do with what they had, as a race, and should war come of it, so be it. That did not mean that they should not be allowed the ability to protect themselves from the beings currently warring on their planet.

"They do not say what we do. They cannot say. If anything, the human race is as spiteful as they come. Say we can't, and we sure as daylight will. Say it is impossible, and we will prove that it isn't. As a race, we are amazing; even Optimus Prime has seen this and been awed by it. They do not dream of restraining us, or of choosing any paths for us, simply to not be the cause of our own wars."

"Then how will they protect us, our _children_ from these Decepticons, if they will not give us the power to do it ourselves."

Once more, Aurian realized just how much she disliked Galloway. Not just because of his personality – which certainly rubbed her the wrong way – but because of his mind. The man was quick, and clever, and he had points that were hard to ignore. She couldn't just expect everyone to trust the Autobots like she did, and that was the most frustrating part of it all. She had to prove to them that what she knew to be true was, in fact, true.

"We are asking every nation to move their own select soldiers into N.E.S.T." There was another roll of protest through the crowd. "Now, please listen for just a minute while I explain; I know, and I understand that every nation has at least three representatives from their own military in the N.E.S.T. program. I also realize that asking for more soldiers does not seem like the right way to handle this situation.

"What I ask of you is to look at the picture from another point of view; every nation has specialist in their own nation. Every nation has someone who knows their cultures better than anyone else could ever know them, someone who knows their topography, their geography, and their cityscapes better than anyone. These are the people we need in N.E.S.T. We need strategists, we need people who know the weaknesses of their own countries so that we – the representation of the entire world as one functioning guard to protect _ourselves_ united with the skills and wisdom of our allies the Autobots – can predict the next opportunity for attack by the Decepticons and head them off before they can succeed.

"This is all I ask of you. In return, every nation will be privy to the knowledge the Autobots are willing to share with us. Every nation will _know_ that they are as protected as all the others because their own will be there to ensure it. And on top of that, every nation will have a good number of their own people interacting with the Autobots, able to make their own decisions about our alien guests and to choose for themselves if what they are doing is the right thing to do. This way you don't have to just take my word for fact, your N.E.S.T. soldiers will be able to tell you themselves."

There was a rumble of agreement, as well as protest. Some spoke of the opportunity for spies with an increased number or foreign soldiers all mixed together, but louder than either came the voice of the German representative.

"What you say sounds pretty. It sounds idealistic, and like the perfect answer, but it does not answer my question."

"Who will take the blame for the children abducted by the Decepticons, yes. I know. That is because the one who will take the blame for that, is me."

Silence descended on the room like a heavy weight. It seemed every person there drew in their breath and held it for fear of something exploding should they exhale.

"That is not the answer any of you expected to hear, I'm sure, and I do realize it seems impossible to you all. However, I feel that you should all be aware of the fact that – though I could not have prevented this occurrence, I must admit that I am most likely the one to have facilitated it.

"As I have mentioned, the Decepticons are unpredictable. Because of my ignorance, one was able to obtain information that I believe may have led to this. There are steps being taken to prevent a recurrence, but I still take the blame upon myself, and I also offer my deepest condolences to those children that were taken, and their families. Know that I will do whatever it takes to see those children returned home alive."

"I don't know that I am pleased with this answer either," the German diplomat took the last few steps between her and Aurian. "However, I do respect your dedication.

"I cannot say that I am happy; who could be with so many young lives on the line, but I do believe that what you say is truth and I feel that I can trust in your decision. Germany will accept this offer. Together, we will come up with answers." She offered her hand to Aurian, and Aurian accepted with great appreciation.

"Thank you representative. I am sure you will not be disappointed."

The Australian representative was next, declaring that the Autobots had helped them in a time of great need, that their country could not simply turn their backs on such neighborliness.

It was a few minutes before more came forward, stating their own reasons for accepting this offer; many of them saying they would only 'try it out' and see how things turned out, but that they – as a country – would remain undecided until results were shown.

Last of them all was Galloway. He waited until it was clear that all the others would accept these terms on some level or another, and decided that in the interest of America, he too had to agree for the time being. "Know that I will not stop," he spoke softly, but sternly to Aurian as she accepted his handshake, "until we have what we have a right to."

"Mr. Galloway, someday you will see that we always get precisely what we deserve."

Galloway nodded, sure that Aurian had some underlying meaning to her words, but he was not done yet. "Also...I heard about what happened to you. You know that you would be protected by the United States if you choose to leave your post at Diego Garcia, right?"

Aurian fought very valiantly not to roll her eyes. "Mr. Galloway – there is nothing that the U.S. government can do to protect me any better than the Autobots currently are. I am as safe as a woman in my position can be, and no, I'm not just saying that because it's some line the Autobots have fed to me. I am saying it because I know beyond any doubt to be true."

"How do you know they are not just using you?"

"Because, they do not want to 'be used' either."

* * *

Sideswipe waited patiently outside the meeting hall, like he always did, but this time his scanners were on high. He just _knew_ that the Decepticons would be close, they had to be. They were up to no good and they would likely go for Aurian again. He would be ready this time. They would not get her.

'You sound like Red Alert.'

'I do not.'

'Now you _definitely_ sound like Red.' Sunstreaker was amused by his brother's annoyance at the comparison, but that made it no less true in his processor. Ever since the attack on the human school, Sideswipe had been a practical wreck. He constantly thought about where the Decepticons could attack from, where he would be best stationed to protect Aurian, what he could do to keep her from high risk areas...all the things the slightly obsessed, somewhat glitched Head of Security would mutter under his breath constantly. 'Just relax, would you?'

'How can I, Sunny? They've gotten to her too many times. Next time...next time they probably won't leave anything behind to save.'

'Well, that's morbid of you. But at least you're talking again, even if you sound half-glitched. Aurian finally apologized to you?'

'She didn't have to.'

'But she did, right?'

'Why does that matter?' Sideswipe knew that Sunstreaker had been upset with Aurian, but it wasn't her fault. He was the one that had failed to do as he had promised _again_ and she was the one who had to pay for it.

'Because you've been acting like a spoiled little sparkling and that's the only way you were ever going to stop it.'

'I have no...'

'Like Pit you haven't! Sideswipe, since when have you missed drills? Or rounds? Or any other responsibility for that matter? Do you know how much slag I've been through just trying to cover your aft so you don't get in too deep to drag you out?'

'Sunny...'

'And it's all been because of her! You've got yourself so wrapped up in her that you can't tell your head from your storage tanks, Sides.'

'Sunny, I promised to keep her safe!'

'Yeah, and you did your best every slaggin' time.'

'My best wasn't good enough!'

'No, but neither was any one else's, was it?'

Sideswipe was shocked into silence. That was so unlike Sunstreaker that he had to wonder for a moment if someone had figured out how to hack a bond link.

'Sideswipe, I can't say I blame you for wanting to keep her away from those Pit-spawned 'Cons...I saw what they did to her, and I can't say that I'm 'pleased' that little glitch got his twisted little claws on her again, but if you keep up like this you're not going to be of any use to her, or anyone else.'

'What are you saying?'

'I'm saying that you're not fit for duty.'

'WHAT?' Sideswipe's engine roared with his outrage, drawing the eyes of a few passers-by. How could Sunstreaker, his own brother – his _twin __–_ say that he wasn't fit for duty?

'I'm taking your place.'

'Like Pit you are! You're not allowed near any of the human government buildings, you can't!' For some reason Sideswipe got the feeling Sunstreaker had already thought of that. Actually, he got the feeling that all of it had been thought of and that Sunstreaker wasn't the only one involved here.

'I know that's why Jazz will be helping me out.' Even as Sunstreaker mentioned the mech's name, a sleek silver Solstice rolled up beside him.

::You can't make me leave her,:: he announced over the Autobot comm line.

::Maybe he cannot,:: Optimus's voice rumbled back, ::but I can. Sideswipe, I relieve you of duty until Ratchet clears you.::

::Optimus! I won't leave her!::

::Hey,:: Jazz spoke over a private link, just between Sideswipe and himself. ::I'm gonna take good care of her, I promise. It's just until ya've had some good R&R. Ya don't think any o' us noticed ya haven't recharged since tha' day?::

::No!:: Sideswipe didn't know what he was going to do, but he knew he wasn't going to be taken away from Aurian. Not now. Not when there was such a high chance the Decepticons would come after her again.

The very source of his turmoil came sauntering from the meeting, looking somewhat triumphant. She paused when she noticed the two cars sitting side by side and began approaching cautiously. She couldn't talk to them; there were far too many representatives around for that. So the next best thing she could do was to slide up beside the cars and, as habit had driven her to do, to open Sideswipe's driver's side door and slip inside.

"What's going on here?" She went through the motions of trying to start the car and preparing to leave.

"Nothing," Sideswipe snapped, revving his engine in defiance toward Jazz who still sat silently beside him.

"Why is Jazz here?" Aurian watched as they passed the smaller car and headed away from the government building. It would be a long drive back to the farm, not including the odd little detours they would take to ensure that no one would be following them. "Did something happen?"

"No, they're just being paranoid." Sideswipe ignored the comms he was getting from Jazz, Optimus, and even Ratchet. They were all demanding the same thing, and he had no desire to hear it.

"About what? Do they think the Decepticons are going to attack again?"

"No."

Aurian felt frustrated. Whatever was going on, Sideswipe was upset about it, but he wasn't telling her. She hadn't been able to get him to talk to her much since Scalpel's attack and it was really starting to bother her. "Sides, would you quit acting like a moody teenager for five minutes and explain to me what is going on?"

'What's going on is that he's been removed from duty.' Sunstreaker's tone was one of annoyance equal to Aurian's own.

"Removed from duty? What did you do?"

"Nothing!"

Now Aurian could feel Sideswipe's fear. "Why are you afraid?"

"I'm not."

'Sideswipe, running isn't going to fix anything.'

"Sunny, would you please explain this to me? I don't understand. Why is Sideswipe removed from duty?"

'Because he's running on reserves. Optimus and Ratchet are concerned for his health.'

Things started to make sense to Aurian. Sideswipe had been on edge and overly protective since the day he snatched her from Diego Garcia and whisked her away to the Lennox's farm. She had simply thought he was just being on guard, but the sense of weariness she seemed to always have on top of her own now had a place. Sideswipe was tired, and afraid. "Sides, if you need some time away, it's okay. I understand."

"No, that's not what I need."

"Then what?" She tried to give him her support. She wanted to do for him whatever she could to help him, just as he would do for her.

"I just want to keep you safe."

"Sideswipe, that's sweet, but how much safer could I be? No one can get to me without everyone knowing about it ten minutes before an able body could even think of making the attempt. Take some time, get some rest." She ran her hand over the steering wheel in the 'act of driving' she had learned to keep up during their trips. "I'll still be here when you get back."

"I'm not leaving you."

The roar of another finely tuned engine snarling up behind them alerted Aurian to Jazz's arrival. He had been forced to wait for either a moment when he could 'manifest' a driver, or until there were few enough people, that no one would notice him leaving the parking lot. The smaller car didn't pass up the Stingray before him, but he made it perfectly clear that he was displeased.

Aurian felt bad, the previous miscommunication between them still heavy on her conscience. "Sides, that's silly. You can't leave me. No matter what happens we're always going to be a part of each other, right? We're connected, and that's forever. You, me, and Sunny are always going to be a part of each other."

"I said I would protect you."

"And you do. But what kind of protection can you give me when you're too tired to stand? It's really okay, Sides. I'm guessing that Jazz will be looking over me? I'm sure he'll do a good job until you get back."

Sideswipe didn't respond for some time. He couldn't believe Aurian's confidence. How many times had they failed her and she still believed that they could protect her? It made no sense to him. Truthfully, not much made sense to him right now. Sunstreaker had teamed up with the Officers to get him off duty, Jazz was chasing him down the highway, but not making any aggressive moves toward him, Optimus himself had removed him from duty... "How can you be so sure?"

Words just wouldn't explain it, Aurian was sure of that. Instead she took the feelings she got from Sideswipe and from Sunstreaker; pulling in the feelings of protection, and of anger over what had happened to her. She took the hopelessness Sideswipe felt knowing that he had not saved her from Scalpel's vicious claws. She took the disgust Sunstreaker had acquired sometime after her first surgery. She took all of their emotions of wanting to protect her, and laced them with how just that _knowledge_ made her feel, then pushed it back to Sideswipe through their bond. "How can I not?"

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; shuffle_

_ It took a lot of convincing, and I'm pretty sure even now that Sideswipe did not go of his own volition, but he finally returned to Diego Garcia. I felt bad for him, but at the same time, he had been through a lot and needed some down time as much as I did._

_ A few days passed before I noticed Jazz kept giving me really strange looks. I couldn't imagine what he was thinking, and unlike with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, I got no bond-facilitated emotional clues to go off of. It was kind of creepy, to tell you the truth, like he knew something about me that I didn't know. Of course, this was Jazz, so maybe he did._

_ Sunstreaker also joined me out at the farm, much to his dismay, I might add. He described it to me in the most unflattering of ways that basically meant that he would rather roll around in motor oil than spend more time than he had to on the farm. Something about the dirt, and the rain, and the animals, and...well, just about everything about it that made his paint look just a little less gold and a lot more brown. Poor guy. I owe him a wash for sure._

_ The results of the meeting were positive. Many new recruits were being trained for the N.E.S.T. project, though they would all be going through months of rigorous testing and preparation before they would be allowed to even meet the 'bots they would be working with for...well, the rest of their lives most likely. Everything had been starting to look up, and as Murphy is one to take advantage of such moments, that was when more bodies were found..._

_ Oh, the things those 'Cons had done to them..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**Some of you may have gotten the update - or otherwise noticed - Precious is finally posted! Yay! It's a Jazz centric oneshot (epically long one shot)**. **It's kinda Angst/Drama-ish...okay, maybe a little more than just kinda. But I am pretty pleased with it for the most part, so if you're interested, go check it out.**_

_**This also means I can start on some other oneshot projects: I have Firecracker in the works for one of the winners of the 'Significance' contest - and I have another songfic in the works. It is titled 'Azure', so keep an eye out for it, eh?  
**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent. (I knew I got that from somewhere!)

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	77. Journal Entry 77

_Journal entry; the small things_

_ So, there was an uproar about the bodies – not that I blamed any one who had something to say about it, I was one of them to tell you the truth – but it did wonders for drawing the individuals of N.E.S.T. together into one, functioning team. Everyone agreed that they would do whatever it took to stop the Decepticons._

_Now the only question was how?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Play!"

Aurian looked down at the small girl holding up her prized toy truck-that-looked-just-like-daddy's as an offering to her. "What do you want to play, Little Bell?" She reached down for the girl and tickled her sides. Annabelle had a knack for finding Aurian when she was distracted; when she was letting the worst of things weigh down on her mind and drag her into the spiral of depression of not knowing how to fix it. She was a wonderful little distraction.

"Play!" Annabelle giggled joyously as she trotted away from the adult she had sought out for her entertainment. She babbled incessant little words that only she understood, but the meaning was clear enough.

Aurian leaped to her feet and chased after the child, their game taking her mind completely from anything she may have been worried over.

The Lennox's had taken advantage of their houseguest and very willing baby sitter for a night out. Sam and Mikaela had decided to have a 'camp out' earlier that day, so that just left Aurian to watch the young girl. She didn't mind one bit, she loved to play with the child – it had seemed like forever since she had seen her and Annabelle had changed so much. She was talking, walking, and manipulating anyone who would fall for her 'cute face'; namely Aurian.

"Get back here!" Aurian warned in a playful tone, sending Annabelle into more giggles and tromping away as fast as her clumsy little legs could carry her.

They continued like this all over the ground floor of the sizable farm home, until Aurian flopped on the floor feeling the effects of age and the things she had suffered through her life – to put it nicely, she was out of shape.

"Get me!" Annabelle called out when she saw that her pursuer had collapsed.

"Oh, I caaaaaaaaaan't," Aurian whined in her best defeated tone, "I'm soooooo tired."

Annabelle watched from the doorway she stood in, rolling the tires on her toy truck for a while. It seemed as though she was debating whether or not Aurian was hurt. "Tired?" She asked softly.

"Very tired." Aurian tipped her head up so she could look at the little girl in the doorway, the uncertainty on the girls face made her feel a little sad. Annabelle wasn't done playing. "How about a book?"

Annabelle shook her head 'no'.

"Okay, how about...a movie?"

Again the little girl shook her head 'no'.

"Well, what would you like to do?"

"Um," she pondered, her little hips tipping from one side to the other causing her whole upper body to rock back and forth. "Outside?"

"You want to go outside? Hmm...it's getting late..."

"Light Flies!" She almost screeched as she stomped her feet in place.

Aurian took a few minutes to understand what Annabelle was saying. "Lightning bugs?"

"Light Flies!" She squealed again, taking off for the door.

It was late spring again, a warm night gracing them that was near equivalent to Diego Garcia. Aurian noted that she wasn't sure she knew what 'winter' really was like anymore. She didn't really miss it.

With a bit of effort she dragged herself up from the floor and followed in the young girl's wake. The sun wasn't quite below the horizon yet, so there was enough light for the child to play for a little while. "Only for a bit, okay?" She looked at her charge to make sure the girl knew this was not a negotiation.

"Kay!" Annabelle latched onto the door to 'help' open it so that she could be the first out. Immediately she scrambled down the steps and started scampering across the designated front lawn area.

Aurian settled down on the stairs to watch her play. She thought she missed the days of youth when she had done much the same, but she didn't fantasize reliving those times. Being a child was fun once; however, growing up was an experience she didn't want to go through again.

"Looks like fun," Jazz noted as he strolled up beside the house to watch the younger human femme enjoy the last rays of the day.

"Yeah, sure does."

"How are ya doin'?" The mech settled on the ground close to the steps where Aurian sat. The woman had been rather silent since they had forced Sideswipe to return to Diego Garcia. He wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He knew she thought about everything happening a lot, and that she felt a great amount of responsibility for it all, but she seemed to be having fewer nightmares here. Was she finally relaxing? Letting go of the past?

"I...I'm really not sure, Jazz. I think that maybe I'm broken."

"Broken?" There was a tone of amused disbelief in his voice. How could someone _think_ they were broken? Wouldn't that be something that was perfectly apparent?

"I know that I'm stressed, and I know that I'm sad, and I know that there are a lot of things to worry about...but, it's like that all just doesn't matter right now."

"Ah don't see how tha's a bad thing. Ya need ta relax fer a while."

"Yeah, but...don't you think that I should be more worried about what is going to happen next?"

"What _is_ gonna happen next?"

"I don't know!"

"Then why worry?"

Aurian thought about it for a moment. Typically, she thought the same as Jazz, why worry about what was to come when you had no way of knowing what exactly _was_ to come? The problem came that she had an inkling that she _did_ know. "Jazz, have you ever had a feeling you knew something, but you just couldn't bring it out of the depths of your memory?"

"Can't say Ah have. Wha's botherin' ya?"

Feeling a chill that simply didn't belong in this warm spring evening, Aurian wrapped her arms around herself. "It's like there's something I know I should remember, something really important...something dreadful, but I can't for the life of me think of what that could be."

"Well, don't'cha think that if ya can't remember, maybe it's not fer ya to do anythin' about?"

"Maybe." Aurian liked having Jazz around. He made sense. He was calm. He wasn't overly protective, and he wasn't completely aloof. "I just can't help feeling like there's something I should be doing."

Jazz grunted his disbelief. "Ya do plenty lil' lady. If ya do much more, ya might have ta clone yerself just so ya can recharge."

"I guess you're right." Aurian smiled at the mech. "Thanks, Jazz."

"Fer what?"

"Just being here."

"Yeah, Ah think Ah'm th' one who should be thankin' _you_ fer that."

"What?" Aurian considered the mech seated a few feet from her. Jazz had been acting a little strangely around her since he came to the farm. "What are you talking about?"

"Ratch was lookin' at that Teletran ya made, said he saw some familiar work there..."

Aurian had grown suddenly still, her eyes wide as she skimmed the edge of the front yard line. Something near the trees had caught her attention, and she was searching for it. A bright flash of red and silver darted from behind one tree to the next. "Annabelle, let's go inside." She tried to keep her voice calm and unhurried, but her heart was pounding hard in her chest.

"What?" Jazz could see the woman's sudden anxiety and instantly started scanning the area.

Aurian pointed to where she had seen the movement and hurried to where the little girl was ogling a firefly crawling on a bush. "Come on, Little Bell. It's time to go in."

"No!" Annabelle screamed as Aurian grabbed her arm.

"Hey, don't cry." Aurian knelt down to face the child, though her grip on her arm didn't loosen any. "You see the sun going down?" She pointed to where the light of day was slowly fading below the horizon.

Annabelle nodded.

"That means its time to go inside and get ready for dinner." She made it sound like the most amazing thing that they could possibly do, and it worked.

The young girl grabbed Aurian's hand on her arm and started pulling her back toward the house. "Can I have 'sketti?" She asked excitedly.

"Sure." Aurian hurried with her small charge, looking to Jazz for any information.

The saboteur just shook his head 'no' and moved toward the tree line. His scanners weren't reading anything, and he didn't see anything, but they had all learned their lesson the hard way that when Aurian said she saw something, there most likely was something there for her to have seen. He was not going to just dismiss it without a thorough search.

* * *

'Aurian, what's going on?' Sunstreaker was annoyed, perpetually, by being on the farm and had found the only place where he would have to endure the least amount of tarnish to his paint. Still, when he felt Aurian's sudden unease he had abandoned the garage he had commandeered to find her.

'Something's in the trees. I'm pretty sure it's a 'bot, but none that I know. Small, red and silver. I'm in the house with Annabelle.' Her voice was crisp, urgent. Sunstreaker knew she was feeling protective of the child she was charged with right now, but under that was her own fear.

Instead of saying anything further, Sunstreaker simply sent his feelings of protectiveness. He would find the 'bot and if it was of any kind of threat – which in his processor it already was by being anywhere near Aurian without making its presence known – he would destroy it.

Jazz sent the preliminary results of his scans and optical search – no results to be found, but that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for Jazz, it wasn't enough for Sunstreaker, and by the Pit, it wasn't enough for Sideswipe.

Sunstreaker clearly felt his twin's divided emotions. He sent Aurian nothing but confidence that her two stationed guardians would keep her, and Annabelle, safe; however, he felt far more keenly Sideswipe's boiling rage and his panic. He was trapped at Diego Garcia while Aurian might be in trouble and that was driving him to the brink of insanity. The golden twin couldn't help but wonder at what point his brother had become so hopelessly attached. When he had arrived here on Earth, the two had a strong connection, but Sideswipe hadn't lost his processor by just being separated from the human.

'How many times have I failed her already?' Sideswipe answered his twins questioning nudge. 'She has been hurt so many times because I was unable to protect her...and now I'm not even there to _try_ to do anything!'

'Sides, I'm here. I'm not going to let anything happen to her.'

'Just like you didn't let Scalpel get away after he tried to destroy her?' Sideswipe regretted his words, Sunstreaker could feel that right away over their bond, but he made no effort to take them back. It was the truth of how he felt. None of them had been able to protect Aurian.

'I won't let it happen again, Sideswipe,' he assured his brother. The fire of his belief that he would destroy anything that tried to harm Aurian burned in his voice, but the hurt of his brother's doubt fueled that fire. Anyone else in the entire universe could doubt Sunstreaker all they wanted, it didn't matter, but when Sideswipe doubted him, then he knew he had done something disgraceful.

'Sunny...if anyone can it's you.' There were other words the silver twin had wanted to say, Sunstreaker could sense that too, but he held them back. Sideswipe knew he had hurt Sunstreaker with his words. That hadn't been his goal; he had simply wanted to make his point clear. If the Decepticons had nearly succeeded in destroying the human right under their noses, how were they going to keep her safe when she was so unprotected?

* * *

Aurian sat nervously with Annabelle at the kitchen table while the child made a mess of the food she had been given. The girl had no sense of Aurian's tenseness, but she could see that her current caregiver was not her usual self.

"Rin?" Annabelle scooted her noodles halfway across the table, no plate included, creating a rather interesting mess.

"Wha...Annabelle! What are you doing?" Aurian couldn't help but to laugh at the completeness of the mess Annabelle had made while she had been distracted.

Annabelle laughed too, flinging noodles as she flailed her arms around with glee.

"You stop that!" Aurian made a big show of trying to protect herself from bits of noodle flying at her, then grabbed the tiny noodle-launching hands to stop further damage. "You're a mess! You know what that means?"

"Bath?"

The grin that spread across the child's face was something Aurian would never forget. Such happiness, so much innocence. "Yes, bath." Snatching up the child from her spaghetti blanket, she tossed her in the air just as much to make the girl giggle as it was to remove as many noodles as she could. "I didn't even give you that much, how did you make such a big mess?" As if to prove the noodles could produce themselves from nowhere, a single strand fell from somewhere around Annabelle onto Aurian's face. "Oh, I see."

After Annabelle had a nice long bath – which ended with Aurian and a large part of the bathroom also bathed by one mean or another – and the girl was fast asleep in her room, Aurian found herself seated on the couch in the den where she could keep an eye on the front door.

"Sunny? You guys find anything?"

'No.'

"Do..." she felt a little silly being so concerned about something that she saw just a fleeting image of, "do you think there was anything there?"

'You said you saw something.'

"I did."

'Then something was there.' Sunstreaker spoke as though he would believe her word simply because she said it, even his tone reflected that, despite the annoyance that she could feel through their bond. 'Try and get some rest. Jazz and I will keep looking.'

Aurian leaned back on the couch, trying to relax, but that image of red and silver stayed in her mind. What had it been? Is it possible she just saw a bird and her mind had twisted the flash of color into something else? After all, there were plenty of wild animals around the farm.

"Sam!" Aurian jumped back up off the couch. "Sunny, Sam and Mikeala are still out there!"

'We already contacted Bee, they're fine and he's keeping an optic out.'

Would that be enough if there were Decepticons present? Aurian's concern elevated quite a bit. "But..."

'Don't worry about it. There are no Decepticon signals showing up on any sensors.' There was a moment of pause from Sunstreaker. He was realizing how he had to sound to Aurian, saying that he believed she saw something but that there was nothing on his scanners. 'If there are 'Cons out here, they'll have to drop whatever block they might have in order to make a move. We'll know before they can do anything.'

"Okay." Aurian didn't feel okay, but at least she knew that they were in contact with each other.

* * *

Sunstreaker and Jazz searched until well after the sun had set with no evidence of anything having been there.

"Maybe it was uh trick o' th' light." Jazz shrugged as he toed another thick tree branch out of his way.

"And Scalpel was just a nightmare," Sunstreaker snapped back. He too was starting to believe that whatever Aurian had seen was nothing that they needed to be worried about, but his spark refused to give in. Aurian had seen something, she was sure of it, so he was too.

The saboteur had to admit that Sunstreaker had a point. "Ya' think she really saw somethin'?"

That stopped the front-liner in his tracks, a dark look on his face. "What are you implying?"

"Nothin' really." He didn't believe what he was saying himself, let alone did he expect Sunstreaker to believe him. "Ah was talkin' with her right before, an' I may have mentioned that Ratch suspected she might have had somethin' ta do with muh reactivation. Thought it was uh rather convenient change o' conversation."

The golden mech glared at the smaller, silver saboteur. Had he just heard what he thought? "She did what?"

Jazz wasn't sure if he should tell Sunstreaker what Ratchet had discovered. He was only supposed to get some kind of confirmation from Aurian, but then, if he could get it by means of someone who shared a bond with her, wasn't that close enough? "Ya' see, someone messed with some o' muh circuitry sometime before Ah was reactivated. Ratch wasn't sure who, or how 'til Auri made Teletran."

"So...Teletran told him she did it?" The mech looked skeptical.

"In uh way, yeah."

"How?"

"Well," Jazz decided to make himself comfortable. Their search would likely remain fruitless and this might end up being a long conversation. "You ever look at Sides's work after he rewires somethin'?"

Sunstreaker shook his head suspiciously, not seeing the connection.

"All right, well, if ya' had, ya' might have noticed that everyone who works with that kinda' stuff has uh pattern. Sorta' uh signature. Each one is unique in some way, uh certain twist or braid, or order ta it. Ya get it?"

"Aurian's 'signature' was in Teletran, obviously."

Jazz nodded, not saying anything else. He would let Sunstreaker come to his own conclusion. It wasn't a very long wait.

"Ratchet found her 'signature' in you too?"

Again, Jazz nodded.

"But how? When?"

"Dunno, that's what Ah was tryin' ta ask her when she saw somethin'."

Sunstreaker was angry, but he wasn't sure if it was because Jazz was accusing Aurian of lying to get out of telling him the truth, or because he thought maybe she had. He decided to get strait to the source.

'Did you fix Jazz?'

'What?' Aurian's voice was groggy, but the mech knew she had not been asleep.

'When he was deactivated, did you fix Jazz?'

'No...' there was a pause, like she was trying to remember something. Sunstreaker felt her confusion, felt her reliving events she had tried to forget, and then a shock of realization. 'I worked on his shell some, right before the base was attacked, but I didn't bring him back! Ratchet did...didn't he?'

Jazz watched the younger mech. Sunstreaker's emotional display was generally pretty easily summed up with 'disgruntled', but while he spoke with Aurian he saw something he would have never expected; awe.

"It wasn't her," Sunstreaker snapped as he stormed away.

Jazz watched him go, knowing that whatever Sunstreaker had discovered – it wasn't that Aurian was innocent.

Sunstreaker made sure to leave plenty of distance between Jazz and himself. Why had he lied? He didn't want to believe Aurian was capable of reactivating a 'bot. Why was that? Because if she really could, then the Decepticons would have more reason to hunt her down, and because...well, because the thought alone made him afraid. The 'Cons had already shown that they could sneak in under their radar...

He started his search anew, making sure to thoroughly scan anything that even looked like it might move. The whole time he kept his bond with Aurian wide open, if anything so much as startled the woman, he would be there in an instant. What if she had reactivated Jazz, and what if the Decepticons already knew it?

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; speak up_

_ Sarah and Will returned late that night, they were both surprised to see me still up. I told them I was just having a hard time sleeping. Said my mind was just too busy with everything that was going on. I don't know why I didn't want to tell them what I had seen; it would have made sense, right? Let Major Will Lennox of N.E.S.T. know that I had seen something strange on his property?_

_ But Sunstreaker didn't even believe me entirely...maybe I had just seen a bird. Yeah...it had to of been just a bird._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**In case you do not get my updates and you are interested: Azure is now up. It is a songfic done to Behind Blue Eyes**

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent. (I knew I got that from somewhere!)

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	78. Journal Entry 78

_Journal entry; am I dreaming?_

_ Sarah made me some tea and sent me to bed, like a good mom – I really missed my mom __–__ and Will assured me that I could rest easy. Sure...rest easy when I thought I was losing my mind. Again. No problem._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian knew she was hallucinating. The half steady, blinking blue light reflecting on the wall couldn't be anything more than her over-tired mind. Or maybe it was a relative of Jim the Dancing Spot.

"Dammit Jim..." Aurian grumbled as she rolled over, only to see that there was something there that shouldn't have been.

* * *

Sideswipe sat bolt upright on his berth. 'Aurian? What's wrong?' He was already half way out of the barracks before he realized he had no way of getting to her, even if there was something wrong. 'Aurian?'

'I'm okay...I think...'

'You think?'

'Just...give me a minute...okay?'

Frustration was boiling through him. They had separated him from Aurian thinking that he could be at ease knowing that he wasn't directly responsible for her. They said he needed to pull himself together and relax. They gave him all the sympathy he could swallow, gave him all the 'understanding' they could offer – even if he felt most of it was as fake as the smiles they plastered on whenever he came by. The other Autobots thought he was losing it. Maybe he was, but being away from Aurian wasn't helping anything. He was trapped, unable to go anywhere, or to do anything at all.

"Sideswipe? What are you doing up?" Arcee came up beside him, seeming almost afraid he was going to lash out at her. "You look upset."

"Upset?" He snarled angrily. "Why would I be upset?" Even he cringed at the amount of tension in his frame. Trying to let it go wasn't an option, not until he _knew_ Aurian wasn't in danger.

"Is it your human again?" Arcee had been almost fascinated by the twin's attachment to the human. Ratchet had finally explained to her that they somehow shared a bond with her, and that was why Sunstreaker had practically lost all control of his battle rage when Scalpel had attacked her on base. It was...terrifying, to say the least, but she sympathized with the mechs more than she feared the idea of an alien bond.

"You make her sound like a disease."

Arcee shrugged slightly, wrapping her arms around her. "Isn't she?"

"No!" This time Sideswipe did turn on the femme; however, the fear he saw in her optics stopped any further action he may have made. He never intended to strike at her, he was just angry. He was angry that everyone kept referring to Aurian as some affliction upon his twin and himself; that they continued to suggest that he try to sever the bond, that he abandon her. Why couldn't they see that she was a part of him – a part of _them_, and that there was no getting rid of her without getting rid of a part of themselves. "She's my sister, Arcee. Alien or not. Even if siblings can be pests sometimes, they are _not_ diseases."

"Oh." The femme was far from timid, usually. She wasn't what one may consider aggressive, but she hardly stood by and let another 'bot tread all over her, but the way Sideswipe was acting had her effectively intimidated. "Sides...I'm sorry, I guess I just don't understand."

"I know," he growled dangerously. "Nobody does."

"M-maybe you should go see Ratchet anyway?"

Before he could do anything to stop it, Sideswipe's fist slammed against the wall opposite the femme. He was so frustrated with all of it.

* * *

Aurian stared at the small computer sitting on the dresser. How had it gotten there? She was positive that it had not been there when she had gone to bed.

Icy shivers ran up and down her spine at the very thought, and the demands from the twins she shared a bond with did not help her courage any. Sideswipe was violently concerned, where Sunstreaker was more annoyed, but ready to blow up anything that might even look like it was considering moving in a negative way. She refused to block them out, feeling that she needed to keep in touch with them just in case something was wrong. Having their presence there did give her a wall of protection; however false she may have known it to be.

Taking a deep breath she shoved herself forward, away from the bed she was using as an island of safety from whatever 'monsters' might have been hiding in the darkness. 'I'm such a child!' She scolded herself as she stepped briskly across the floor to snatch up the laptop.

* * *

Sunstreaker had never wanted to remove his own processor as badly as he did this moment. 'Sideswipe, just stop already!'

His twin had been pestering him incessantly, near panic, to tell him what Aurian was doing. He had answered the same every time; 'I don't know', but now he'd just had enough.

'She's in one of those tiny human dwellings. I can't see in, I can't get in, and _nothing _is showing on my scanners. If she says there's nothing there, there is nothing there!' His aggravation rolled through their bond. It wasn't that he didn't think Sideswipe's slightly manic over-protection was out of line, he understood where it was coming from; it was more that there was nothing he could do to assure his twin that everything was okay without Aurian responding to at least _one_ of them. The woman had been defiantly silent for well over half a joor and it was disturbing.

'Sorry.' Sideswipe sounded honestly repentant for his bothersome questions. 'I just can't help but think of all the times she's almost been taken away from me...every time I was _sure_ she would be fine...'

'Sideswipe...' What was he supposed to say? That she would be fine? Right, because that had worked out so well in the past. How about that he wouldn't let anything happen to her? Just like he hadn't let Scalpel get to her, or to escape for that matter? No, there were no words he could offer his brother that would prove himself any more competent of protecting this little biological creature that his twin, and by proxy himself, had grown so deeply attached to. 'If there was something wrong, she'd say so.'

'Sunstreaker, there is _something_ in there with her!'

Sunstreaker knew it as well as his brother did, something was causing the woman to feel curious, intrigued, and nervous, but not afraid. There was the distinct sensation of communication of some type, though they were not privy to the conversation. Something was there with Aurian, but nothing showed on Sunstreaker's scanners.

'Sideswipe...please...' Sunstreaker hadn't whined like that since they were younglings. He was just tired. He was tired of the dirt, he was tired of the placidity, he was tired of his brother's seemingly senseless worrying, and he was tired of not knowing what was going on or what to do about it. He settled himself on the ground against a tree where he could watch the window that led into the room Aurian was staying in. There was something about that faint light he could just see reflecting off of the far wall that intrigued him. "Femme, you're a pain in my aft."

* * *

Sarah wasn't always what you might call a 'morning person', but she had grown accustomed to the early days of a mother/military wife and she managed to do so with something near pleasantness. However, she couldn't stop the annoyance she felt when she was making her way down the dimly lit hallway past the guest room to hear Aurian mumbling softly. It could have been a prelude to another nightmare, in which she'd like to stop it before she started screaming those awful broken screeches that would, without a doubt, wake Annabelle also.

Or it could be that she was talking to one of the aliens currently staying at their farm to keep an eye on their ambassador, in which case she would have a 'pleasant' conversation with them about how badly Aurian needed her rest and how they needed to leave her alone.

Either way, she needed to do something.

Tapping lightly on the door she called out, "Aurian? Are you awake?"

"Yeah..." there was a moment of hesitation in Aurian's answer, then the sound of movement before the woman appeared at the door. "What's up?"

"You realize its four-thirty, right?"

"Oh, no I didn't."

"A.M. Aurian, in the morning."

"Oh!" Aurian stumbled back into her room a few steps, looking around as if reassuring herself of her surroundings. "I...didn't realize."

"Who were you talking to? If those guys are keeping you up..."

"No, it wasn't Sunny or Jazz. I...online. I was just talking online, got carried away."

Sarah gave her best disapproving look. "Where did you get a computer from? Let alone one that gets internet out here?" She glanced over Aurian's shoulder to see the red laptop sitting at the foot of Aurian's bed, the screen softly glowing.

"It's...complicated..." Aurian was starting to feel the effects of her unintended all-nighter. When she had discovered her laptop waiting for her on a dresser that Sarah kept in the guest room, she had been stunned. When she had discovered the small device could connect her to others in a similar fashion to its ability in the 'parking lot', she had been suspicious. So she had tested the theory out and spent a greater part of the night talking to whomever she could get to respond to her. To say the least, there was an overwhelming mountain of questions she couldn't answer.

Sarah sighed. "Isn't it always?"

Aurian did her best not to look as guilty as she felt. Those words far more striking than anything else she could think of at that moment. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I'll still help you around the farm like I promised."

"When you're dead on your feet? Unlikely. Come help me make breakfast and then you can get some good sleep. Will can do the chores today, he's been getting spoiled by you anyway."

"Okay." She glanced back at her laptop, she really wanted nothing more than to keep doing what she was doing – trying to figure out just how this 'network' worked, who she could contact and how, not to mention whether or not they could contact her back. It was so similar to her 'dream' that she was having a hard time believing that it was real. A large part of her firmly believed she had simply lost it, and now she had to deal with a slightly deranged brain from now on. 'Insanity can resume after breakfast,' she decided.

The two women headed to the kitchen. Sarah suspected that Aurian was trying to figure out how best to handle the current crises, and she sympathized with the woman. She may not have all the details on it, but Sarah was intuitive enough to know all of this was bigger than what just one woman could probably handle. "You should really get an assistant, you know? Someone to help you with some of the more clerical items at least."

"Are you applying?"

"Hell no!" Sarah laughed. "But surely there's someone who would be able to help you?"

"I don't know...really the only ones who have clearance enough to help me are already assigned to more important tasks, and I seriously doubt I could convince them to bring on a top clearance paper pusher. Just doesn't seem like something the government would want to pay for."

"What about Optimus? I'm sure he would understand you need help, he seems reasonable enough."

"I'll...think about it." Honestly, it sounded like a wonderful idea, but with all the discontent, how could she be sure that whomever she brought on wouldn't try to undermine the hard work that had gone into getting this far? 'Now you're just being paranoid,' she scolded herself.

It didn't take long for breakfast to be done, and it wasn't much past that that Will and Annabelle were joining them. The teens staying on the farm were another thing. They didn't reappear from their little 'camping' trip until sometime after ten, long after Will had set about his chores around the farm, and Sarah was busily tending to the house. Aurian had returned to her room, as she had been instructed to, but sleep was far from her. So, choosing to be social instead of a reclusive, insomniac, schizoid, she joined the teens for a late breakfast – an early lunch for her – and struck up some idle conversation.

At first, they talked about how things had been going for the two teens since Mission City. Sam was apparently having a hard time adjusting to his less than normal life – he loved having a sentient car; Bumblebee had become one of his best friends in the world, but he didn't like all the restrictions the government had placed on him. He wasn't allowed to go far without registering with N.E.S.T. first, even if he went without his Camaro guardian. It hadn't been so bad at first, but then field trips with the school became such a hassle, and camping trips with his friends were clerical nightmares. Quite honestly, he resented it, but was willing to keep dealing with it because dealing with it meant he could have Bumblebee in his life.

Mikaela, on the other hand hadn't had much trouble at all settling into the normal pace of abnormality. Apparently, it wasn't all that much different than parole as a juvenile had been for her. She wasn't entirely pleased with the thought of having to do it for the rest of her life, but at least she took some comfort in the fact that it wasn't because she had done something wrong, or that it was because she had protected someone she loved from the law.

"What about you?" The girl asked as she ended her rather short explanation of why she didn't know what Sam was all worked up about. "How are you dealing with all this?"

"Dealing with it?" Aurian laughed. "I think it's dealing with me, not the other way around."

"What? You're, like, the alien expert/ambassador. Life should be pretty sweet for you, right?"

A soft, somewhat sad smile whispered over Aurian's face before she plastered on her grin that said 'everything's fine'. "Yeah, it is pretty sweet."

"Sam..." Mikaela whispered urgently. She gave him a look that said he'd been insensitive.

"Oh, I...I didn't mean it like that. I mean, I meant that you're pretty well set, not that you don't deserve what you've got. You probably deserve everything you have more than anyone ever deserved anything ever..."

"Sam, it's okay." Aurian laughed. The way Sam rambled always had amused her, it was just so much better in person. "I have a lot I would have never dreamed of having before everything turned upside down. I don't regret any of it, honestly."

"What about your family?" If the girl had a book labeled 'Aurian's Inner Thoughts', she could not have nailed what Aurian missed most more perfectly.

"It's hard not being around them..." she admitted, "but I know that this is better for everyone in the long run."

"That doesn't seem fair." Sam twisted in his chair so he could get a clear look at the woman he was speaking with. "You've given up everything..."

"Not everything." Aurian stood to get a refill on her drink. Mostly because she didn't like the way the two teens were looking at her with grief and sympathy. "I still have me. I have Roger, my new very-awesome job. I have the Autobots." Her list was very small, and sounded rather unimpressive when she spoke it out loud. "I mean, who wouldn't want access to the world's greatest secrets? It's amazing!" She tried to sound like she was beyond thrilled with it all, but the truth was; she missed her family. Nothing would ever make that go away. She would always miss them, but going to them, contacting them in any way, really wasn't in the best interest of them. If the Decepticons so much as caught wind of her familial connections, she was sure that they wouldn't last long, and then they wouldn't just be inaccessible to her – they would be gone.

Neither teen believed that Aurian would have chosen this life for herself, had the option been hers to make; however, they were willing to believe that she was accepting of the situation she had been dealt.

"That's why I have to go to college...to try to have a normal life." Sam looked pleadingly at Mikaela, as though this had been a conversation they'd had over and over again.

"You _should_ go to college!" Aurian spun back around. Now that the conversation wasn't focused on her anymore, she could easily ignore her own discomforts.

"That's what my mom says." Sam rolled his eyes. "Just like that too."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't go, Sam." Mikaela seemed on guard suddenly. "I'm just saying that _if_ you go...you're going to have to go alone."

"What's this?" Aurian found herself concerned by the tension between the two teens.

"Mikaela thinks that if I go out of state to college, that I'll forget about her – which would never happen_**."**_ He glared at the girl as if she had offended him in the worst of ways. "_I_ think she should come with me. There are probably some apartments around there that you could rent until after my freshman year. Then we can get a place together, it'll be nice."

"I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment," Mikaela snapped. "What happens if we ended up not being together anymore? Then what happens to me?"

"Mikaela, that would never happen."

"Why?"

"Because I won't let it. Because it can't."

"Why?" The girl demanded again, her glare sharpening. Apparently, she had heard Sam's argument before and was still very unsatisfied with it.

"Why can't you just go with the 'we'll live together forever until we're old and wrinkly and can't hardly even walk around the grocery store, but can sit all day on the porch and yell at the disrespectful kids that walk on our lawn' theory? Why does there have to be the 'what if'?"

"Because, Sam, 'what if' is the way life goes. If you don't plan for it then you end up..." she bit her words off, a fire simmering just below the surface. "I won't put myself in that situation. I don't want you to _not_ go to college, but don't expect me to follow you." She stood up and stormed out of the kitchen before either of the remaining occupants could say anything else.

"I'm going to go with the assumption that this argument has been had before?" Aurian still watched after where Mikaela had made her exit. She swore she could almost see the vapor trail of anger the teen had been putting off.

"Ever since I got my acceptance letter to Princeton."

"Princeton?" Aurian was impressed. "I knew you were smart! There's no way you can turn that down, Sam...Mikaela will...she'll get over it, I'm sure."

"I'm not." With a heavy sigh, Sam let his head fall to the table. "I've been trying to get her to come with me...but you saw how that goes. It doesn't help that her dad is supposed to make parole in a few weeks. She wants to be with him. I can't blame her."

Aurian sat beside the teen. She knew that making life decisions like this wasn't easy – he could choose to not go and be content with focusing on his relationship with the girl, but then what would he think of himself five years down the line? Or, what if they _didn't_ work out? Sure, he could still try again, but it would be harder then. It did seem pale in comparison to other things that life could throw at a young man, but for him, it was one of the most important in his entire life.

"I want a normal life," he groaned pathetically. "I don't want to be..." he looked at Aurian, and the message was clear. He didn't want to be forced into her position. He wanted options. He wanted to choose his life.

"Sometimes you have to work harder for the choices you know are the right ones. You just have to prove to Mikaela that you won't abandon her...I'm sure you can find a way." Aurian smiled and began sipping at her drink. Everyone deserved to choose their path in life. Then something else occurred to her. "Have you told Bee yet?"

"I told him I was accepted."

"What did he say?"

"He wants me to go."

"You told him he can't go with you, right?"

Sam looked almost angry with Aurian. "What?"

"Freshmen aren't allowed to have cars, Sam. You knew that, didn't you?"

"No! I hadn't even thought about that...are you sure?"

Aurian nodded. "Most colleges don't allow freshmen to have cars; it helps to cut down on the parking issues, among other things. Especially if you're staying in the dorms."

"They require freshmen stay in the dorms. That's why I wanted Mikaela to rent an apartment for freshman year..." The stressed look on Sam's face clearly stated that his decision had just become that much more difficult. "How am I supposed to tell him that?"

_'Bee, I have to talk to you about the college thing...'_

"I can't say," Aurian stubbornly blocked out the strange echo of a memory she didn't quite remember, "but, don't wait until the last minute, okay?"

The teen nodded, but Aurian could clearly see it written on his face. He didn't want to tell Bumblebee he couldn't go with him on this next stage of his life.

"He'll understand, Sam."

As if on cue, the horn of the familiar yellow Camaro beeped, calling Sam out.

"Supposed to head back home today...guess they decided that things are clear enough..."

"Ah, Operation 'Hide Under a Rock' is over, huh?"

"For us it is..." he offered Aurian an apologetic look. "When do you get to go home?"

Aurian half smiled. "I don't." She gave him a meaningful look. 'Take your life into your own hands,' she thought. 'Don't let others choose for you.'

"I...uh..." Sam didn't know what to say. 'I'm sorry,' just didn't seem enough, but what else was there?

"Just keep it in mind."

"Right." With that, the young man slipped out the back door to meet up with his guardian/best friend, and his girlfriend. His life wouldn't be easy, but at least he still had some control over it.

Aurian sighed. Soon enough she would have to relocate. She couldn't stay on the farm forever, increasing the chances that the Decepticons would figure out where she was hiding. She really wanted nothing more than to return 'home' – back to Diego Garcia, back to Sideswipe and everything that had become familiar and everyday for her. She didn't know what plans had been set for her safety, but she really wished she had some hand in it.

"I'm going to have to change this..." she stated out loud, as if to warn the fates that she was done taking what they were handing her.

She found herself returning to her laptop once more. She had a sudden urge to talk to someone who could understand her situation far better than anyone else, someone she couldn't just reach out to over an imperceptible link, or by phone for that matter.

"Ruby?" The machine trilled in a pleasant tone. "I need to talk to 'Cade." With a soft flurry of sounds, a window quickly appeared declaring the connection was being made.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; making changes_

_ Barricade may not have had a whole lot of sympathy for my own situation, but at least he understood it._

_ I talked to him for a long time over what had happened, and what he thought the Decepticons would do next. Unfortunately, his opinion was that if they caught wind of me being somewhere they could grab me, that would be the end of it. Of course, he also pointed out that they probably thought I was dead after Scalpel's attack...that could be handy..._

_ One thing I found rather strange was that – even though he was not ordered there, nor was he actually locked in – 'Cade had apparently made the brig his own personal quarters. He said at least there he could recharge without having to hear Ironhide's loud intakes all night... Ironhide snores?_

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_Okay, sorry for the boring chapter...um, the next one isn't promising to be too much more entertaining, but yet again, we must set the scene before the action can take place...right? ^_~_**

Expect a delay for chapter 79 - it's still under construction and has not yet made it to beta.

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent. (I knew I got that from somewhere!)

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	79. Journal Entry 79

_Journal entry; thinking things through_

_ Sam wanted to go to school – Decepticons had attacked a school...well, that was going to cause some problems, wasn't it?_

_ Just one of the many things I started thinking of once I'd had some time to put everything together._

_ I was allowed to see the reports on what had happened to those poor girls the Decepticons had abducted – it was horrible! I really, really, wish I could say I had no clue what they were doing, but sadly, sickeningly, I was positive that I did. They were trying to grow more of those anomalies. Apparently they were not having much success. I really didn't understand why, and, from the increasing extremes the Decepticons seemed to be taking, neither did they._

_ It terrified me to think what that thing had been – why did they want more of them? Was it a weapon of some type? Was it some other kind of device with a devious purpose? I guess I can safely say that with the 'Con's being behind it, the fact they seemed to want more of them was a bad sign. I think maybe what was worse was that I was more upset that they had it rather than what it may have been. Maybe it was because it had been in me for so long, I felt a little possessive of it. I don't know, I guess I would have felt more relieved that it was gone than I did._

_ It was also easy to do the math as each new tortured body showed up – the more they failed with new 'subjects', the more they were going to try and find me. What could I do about that? If they were just looking for me, I guess I could live with that, but the problem comes in the fact that they would hurt those around me just to get to me. Of that I was sure. Then again, if they thought I was dead, they would have no reason to look for me. But how was I supposed to find out if they actually thought I was dead? I mean, I suppose I vaguely remember Scalpel saying that I wouldn't live...but hadn't he said probably? Didn't that mean that even he thought there was a chance? Without forging some rather large documents, there was no way to further convince them that I was indeed, deceased. Maybe that would be something to consider...but how would that affect my ability to operate as the Autobot liaison?_

_ Jazz was another thing that was on my mind during the moments I wasn't being bombarded by diplomatic duties._

_ The mech was downright strange around me. I mean, he was himself; aloof, smooth talking, upbeat...you know...Jazz-like, but he kept giving me these _looks_! It was like he was trying to read some strange text that was imprinted on my soul...and that he could see it didn't seem as disturbing as the fact that he looked like he was having a hard time figuring it out. Did it have something to do with what Sunstreaker had said? Did they think _I_ was responsible for him coming back? I really need to talk to Ratchet..._

_ Which brought me to yet another thing; Ruby._

_ The laptop had shown up out of nowhere. I asked Will if he had brought it, or had someone bring it. Not only did he tell me 'no', but he demanded that I show it to him because it was supposed to still be in 'lockup'. Huh..._

_ To say it went poorly when he saw that it was indeed my originally confiscated laptop is to put it lightly. He didn't accuse me of hijacking it, mostly because I asked him where it came from and he had this sense of trust in me that he couldn't just push aside so easily – but he wasn't happy about it to say the least. He said that it would have to go back to base with him. I wasn't happy with the idea, I missed my laptop something fierce and the fact that I had discovered it had this new ability made me less inclined to separate with it again. Still, due to everything that had happened it was considered government property and even with my liaison status, I really had little leverage in it...yet later that night, Ruby was sitting on the dresser again. What was going on?_

_ I've really got to figure this out._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*7*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Will?" Aurian entered the kitchen tentatively. The married couple had been having a soft conversation and she felt awkward interrupting, but this simply couldn't wait as far as she was concerned. "Why did you put Ruby back if you have to take her back to base?" She held up the laptop with a confused look.

Will glared at the little red machine, dumbfounded. "I didn't." He set down his fork and walked around the table to where Aurian offered the machine to him. "Where was it?"

"On the dresser."

"How did it get there?" Taking the machine, Will flipped it over as if there might be a 'gotcha' note attached to it somewhere.

"I don't know." Aurian shrugged, looking to Sarah for any clues.

Sarah shook her head, taking no claim on this new strangeness.

With a sharp shout Will dropped the laptop and jumped back from it. Aurian was quick to snatch the machine up from the floor where it had landed and was already checking it over before anyone else had moved.

Sarah rushed to Will, worry on her face. "What happened?"

"The damn thing shocked me!" He glared while Aurian continued to look it over.

"How? It's off, there's no power..." Aurian held the machine so Will could clearly see that it was completely shut down.

"I don't know, maybe it has a short in the battery or something." He wasn't happy at all, and he didn't really care how it had happened.

Sarah looked over Will's hand. There was only one small mark, like a sting, on his hand that was red and swollen. "I think maybe it was a bug, not the computer."

Will looked at the spot. "It felt just like being shocked." Examining the spot, he had to agree with his wife. The spot was far too neat and small to be from an electrical discharge. As a matter of fact, it looked like a tiny cut.

With a frustrated huff, he looked back at the machine Aurian held. "I still have to take it back."

"I know..." She couldn't stop her hand from ghosting over the laptop's casing. Once, she had been nearly inseparable from the machine, but now it was something that she wasn't even allowed to have. Maybe if she told Will what she could do with it...but then again, that would most likely get the machine handed to someone like Roger with orders of making it work on a grander scale for them. Why she thought that was entirely a bad thing, she wasn't sure, but as much as she loved Roger, she knew he would do it without asking why. Tentatively she handed it back to Will.

"What's so important about it anyway?" Sarah couldn't stand the broken look in Aurian's eyes. The woman had given up so much, why did it matter if she had a stupid laptop from her previous life anyway? What more did they think she would do with it?

"Information that cannot be spread," Will stated plainly.

Aurian nodded in agreement before turning to leave. "I'm going to go visit the horses...mind if I go riding?"

"No, go ahead, dear." Sarah watched Aurian leave. She really wanted to know more about what had happened to the woman, but she wasn't allowed to know due to some top secret this-or-that. Will had tried to explain as well as he could without overstepping his bounds, and that had been horrific enough – to know that there was more to the story was just heart breaking. "Will..."

"I can't, Sarah. Trust me, if I thought no one would notice eventually, I would just let it be. But I wouldn't be the only one in trouble if this thing turned up missing and they found it in her possession."

"Is it just the information that's on it that has to be kept secret?"

"...Why do I get the feeling you're plotting?"

"Will...you know me." With a small smile, Sarah set about cleaning up the remains of their breakfast. "I have to go to town today."

"Oh really?" Will studied his wife, trying to figure out what she could possibly be up to.

"Yes, and I'm going alone, so if there is anything you'd like me to pick up, you should make a list."

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing." She placed a soft kiss on her husband's cheek as she walked past him. "I'm taking the credit card too."

"I thought you said you were going alone!"

* * *

Aurian felt relaxed as she let Fred choose their path. The horse was so content and calm that it rubbed off on her. Being out here, away from everything like this, she could almost believe that things weren't the way they were. It was only half of a nice thought. True, she could avoid so much by all of this being nothing more than a twisted dream, but that would also mean she wouldn't have met the Autobots that she had grown so close to. How had everything become so insanely complicated?

Without warning, Fred reared up with a startled scream, tossing Aurian from his back before he took off running in the opposite direction they had been traveling.

Laying on her back and trying to piece together what had just happened, Aurian fought to get her breath back. What had spooked Fred? A snake? A coyote? Whatever it was, she probably needed to get herself out of a prone position and try and get herself to safety.

She evaluated her pains as she got to her feet, searching for any broken bones or cuts from falling on the rough terrain – as far as she could tell, she had only a nice bruise on her left shoulder.

The next thing she did was to look around for some sign of what had spooked the horse, and at first saw nothing. Then the grasses not too far from her moved, revealing a splash of red and silver.

"Sunny!" She called out for the only one she could think of that could help her right that moment, panic driving her fight or flight instincts to gear up. She wasn't sure what she was facing, but she knew it was the same thing she had seen earlier near the farm house. Just as she was prepared to make a run for it – she saw a featureless, feline-like head push between the grass near her feet. It looked up at her with bright blue optics that seemed amused, and with protrusions on the sides of its head twitching slightly. "Ruby?"

'Aurian? What is it?' Sunstreaker's tone was urgent. Aurian might have called it fearful if she thought Sunstreaker was capable of sounding fearful.

"N-nothing." She tried to calm herself down so that the twins wouldn't pick up anything to worry them further. "I was just...surprised. Everything's fine."

'...Really?' The doubt was almost palpable in the mech's voice. 'What surprised you so much that you would call _me_ for help?'

"Well," Aurian's conscious was advising her – in a very adult manner – to tell Sunstreaker what she was currently looking at and why the sudden appearance of a creature from her dream-state had startled her, but a much louder and far more childish part of her subconscious demanded that she keep this a secret even from him. "Fred got spooked and threw me. I was disoriented and didn't know what had freaked him out, so I called you. But it turns out there's nothing to worry about."

Sunstreaker obviously did not believe her, Aurian could feel it like cold ice slipping down her throat. 'Is that what you're going to tell Sideswipe too?'

"Sunny! Why are you acting like this?" Something had happened since the day she had first thought she had seen something in the bushes near the farm house; Sunstreaker had been a little strange and this was just another mark under the 'feels like square one' category for Aurian.

'Because you aren't telling us something. It's obvious.'

"Why would I keep anything from you?" Aurian felt guilty as the small cat-'bot rubbed against her leg, its strange cable-like tail whipping around eagerly.

'That's a good question...'

Her guilt grew tenfold with Sunstreaker's words. He just wanted to protect her. What was she afraid of anyway? "If...if I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone else?"

'That's childish.'

"It's important to me."

'Whatever.'

Aurian sighed. That was probably the closest she would get from Sunstreaker as far as a promise went. "My laptop is a Transformer."

* * *

"She's scheduled for relocation in three days, why would you want to..." Will rolled his eyes as yet again he was cut off by the voice on the other side of the call. "I understand that, but there hasn't been any leak..." Barely holding a sigh, Will nodded his head as though it would hurry the other speaker. "Right. So when do you...seven? We can't even get to the... Of course we do, but that would be suspi...exactly. Is it really that important?"

Aurian slipped through the front door, looking guilty as a teenager past curfew sneaking back into the house. She saw Will on the phone and made a quick start for the stairs, only to be trapped by a rather hyper toddler.

"Hey, Little Bell..." she wanted to hurry past the child and get to the safety of the guest room, but she didn't want to ignore the eager little girl either.

"Play?"

"Not right now."

"Why?"

"Because," Will interrupted sounding rather perturbed, "she has to go get packed." He grabbed up Annabelle before she could start fussing about it. "Sorry, sweetie, but Aurian has to leave."

Annabelle squirmed in her father's arms. "No!"

Aurian's heartbeat picked up a few paces. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Will repositioned the wriggling toddler, and gave Aurian a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry, but apparently they need you to show up for some orientation thing for the new soldiers."

With a sigh of relief, Aurian nodded. "That's part of my job as liaison I guess. I mean, they can't meet the 'bots until they're fully trained and cleared, so I'm the only contact with them they really have, right?" She had known she would be expected to be involved with the new N.E.S.T. team members. Still, now that she had to leave the farm, she realized just how much she didn't want to. "I guess I'll go get ready. When are we leaving?"

"As soon as you can get packed. You're lucky I got you that long. Apparently some bigwig thinks that you should have been there already." He could see the disappointment as clearly as if it had been painted in neon signs on Aurian's entire body. "I'm sorry, I tried to get them to wait."

"No, it's okay. What's the difference between now and three days? Besides, it means I'll be headed back to base sooner and Sideswipe can quit freaking out. It's really better in the long run."

"Don't go!" Annabelle whined, "Play!"

Aurian smiled. "Don't worry, kiddo. I'll come back and play with you again, okay?" In all truth, she didn't know if she would be back, but it made things easier for the child to believe she would be.

"I'll make sure she comes back," Will promised.

Annabelle was not placated by their promises, but she stopped fussing.

With a quick nod, Aurian hurried upstairs to get her things. She was greeted by her newly discovered living laptop sitting on the guest bed. "We're leaving, Ruby. I've got to go talk to some new recruits."

The little red and silver cat-like robot trilled a happy little sound as it paced the boundaries of the bed.

"Oh, crap...Will's going to be looking for you..."

Ruby's strange, ear-like protrusions shifted down to the sides of her head, her eyes squinting to mere slivers, and a sound something like static crackling emitted from her.

Aurian wasn't sure what she was going to do. It was pretty clear the Ruby had no intentions of going willingly with Will, but the only way Aurian could think of to even give an argument for it would only make the military want the little laptop that much more. "Ruby, I don't know what to do..."

The feline settled on the bed, eyes fixed on Aurian as though she were waiting for the woman to come up with an obvious solution.

"Maybe Optimus could help? I mean, if you're actually a Transformer now, that means that you fall under his jurisdiction...right? But then, the military could argue that you weren't sentient when you went into custody...you weren't were you?" Her only answer was a flicked earpiece, but it was enough for Aurian. "How _did_ you turn into this? When? Why now?" Another ear flick. "Guess I should have thought of all this before..."

"Aurian?" Sarah's voice came just before her gentile knock.

Aurian started to tell Ruby to hide, but before she could have said a single word, the little robot had resumed her original laptop form. Moving as quickly as she could, she grabbed the blanket on the bed and threw it over the laptop. "Yeah?" She called back, hoping Sarah didn't hear the distress in her voice.

Opening the door, Sarah looked around the room before fixing Aurian with a sad look. "Will just told me you have to go."

"Yeah...duty calls." Aurian smiled, though she didn't feel it.

Sarah had the look of a woman with far more to say on that particular subject than she would ever voice, but she forced a smile of her own and handed Aurian a bag. "Here, I guess it's a good-bye gift."

"Sarah, you didn't have to."

"No, I didn't, but I wanted to. Go ahead, look at it."

Aurian reached into the bag and pulled out a box, which opened to reveal a laptop computer that looked almost identical to Ruby. "Oh! Wow, this looks exactly like mine."

"Good! That's what I was going for." Sarah went to the bed and sat on the edge.

Aurian watched, thanking whatever powers that be that Sarah hadn't sat where Ruby was hiding.

"I felt bad when Will said you couldn't have yours; seems silly to me. I mean, it's just a computer, right? They could have just pulled off whatever it was they thought was so dangerous and returned it to you. But, I guess that's why I'm not in the military, I don't understand why they do half of the things they do."

"You have no idea how much this means to me, thank you!" She set the laptop on the dresser, the same place Ruby had first appeared, and ran a hand over the new machine. She wasn't sure what Sarah had intended, but Aurian was quickly forming a plan that she was sure would allow Ruby to stay with her permanently, so long as she didn't get caught. "Thank you."

"Just...don't tell Will how much it was, okay?" Sarah winked as she hopped up off the bed and headed for the door. "He said you guys had to head out as soon as you were packed, so I'll go make something you can eat on the way. I'm sure you're not looking forward to base dinners again."

"Oh, but I've been loooonging for those tasteless lumps of not-food." Aurian grabbed her stomach as though it ached for the food. Then laughing she made a face that indicated exactly how she felt about the military issued nourishment.

"Right, I'll get on that." Sarah vanished through the door.

By the time Aurian turned around, Ruby was already sitting beside the new laptop, one of the wires forming her tail had disconnected and was tapped into the new machine. "I guess that means you're thinking the same thing I am."

Ruby's cat-like face turned to Aurian. Even featureless as it was, the little cat-'bot's face had a pleased look to it.

* * *

"What do you think is going on?" Ironhide's deep voice rumbled through his truck alt mode.

"I'm not sure. Seems to me they're being a little unreasonable." Will leaned against the driver's side door of the truck. The oddness of talking to a vehicle had long since been lost to him, and the soft conversations had become second nature. He liked Ironhide's wisdom on certain things, after all, the mech was older than Will could care to count – he had some good experience under his armor. "This new acceptance program for N.E.S.T. seems to have everyone all up in knots. I'm worried."

"For the program?"

"For Aurian."

"Do you think she won't be able to handle it?"

"No, it's not that. I'm sure she'll do just fine."

"Then what are you worried about?"

Will shifted his weight around. "Do you remember the first day we met her? She's changed a lot since then."

"You can hardly blame her for that."

"No, I can't blame her for it at all, but that's why I worry. She wasn't made for this kind of life."

The two remained quiet until the soft rumble of engines alerted them to the arrival of the other two mech's staying on the farm. At the same time the front door opened, revealing a rather reluctant looking Aurian with Sarah holding Annabelle behind her.

"Ready?" Will asked, stepping away from Ironhide to help Aurian with her things.

"No," Aurian sighed, "but I'll manage." She smiled at Will, doing her best to sound upbeat and energetic, even if she felt like she was being taken away from her home again. When Will grabbed her brand new laptop case, she decided the image was complete. 'Just like the day when it all started...'

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; moving on_

_ The trip lasted incredibly long by Sunstreaker's standards. He complained about the speed limit enough for me to get the hint._

_ We arrived at some out-of-the-way base that looked creepily enough like the first base I had lived on when all this had come to be. The only thing it seemed to lack was the underground entrances. It was in the middle of New Mexico – probably another difference, though I still can't say to this day where that first base had been._

_ When I stepped out of Sunstreaker, I was overwhelmingly greeted by several envious eyes. The soldiers had all been marched out to greet Will and I upon our arrival. To prevent having to explain three vehicles and only two humans, Jazz had split off and was waiting outside the base. He would wait there until orientation was over and I was shipped off to my next location. It almost made me laugh to think I had a mech-in-waiting, but Sunstreaker was still banned from political missions, which meant I still had to have an escort for any off base missions. The only reason Sunstreaker was allowed to accompany me on base was that the soldiers were going to eventually be exposed to the Cybertronians, so they figured the risk was acceptable, and he was rather adamant about being close by. I can't say I wanted to argue since his presence could help keep my nightmares away._

_Besides that; the soldiers were being taught to never assume any vehicle was just a machine..._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**For anyone who has not been alerted, or who may be interested; the first prize from my last contest has been posted. It is a one shot songfic on Jolt. I have to admit, it was rather fun to write. It's titled 'Firework'. Enjoy!**_

There may also be a delay in chapter 80, but I think I'm back on track now.

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent. (I knew I got that from somewhere!)

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	80. Journal Entry 80

_Journal entry; black sheep_

_ Will had been part of the orientation team, which I was extremely grateful for, because I stood out on that base worse than if I had been strutting around in a hot pink windbreaker outfit. You'd think that a person breaking out in random one-sided conversation was unusual._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You will have to always assume that nothing is as it seems. Even though we have developed a ton of equipment to pick up energy signatures from Cybertronians, they are still able to disguise themselves from us." Will stood like a brick wall in front of the gathered soldiers as he lectured. "You also have to accept the fact that there are very few humans who will know of the Cybertronians, let alone have seen them. Yes, there are the viral videos that have been breaking out online here and there that may capture a glimpse of them, but most of them are terminated long before the general populace is exposed to them.

"It is our duty to ensure that the general populace is NOT exposed to them – both for the safety of us as humans, and for the Cybertronians. Remember that this is war, and knowledge can both help and harm. So, keep your mouth shut. Understood?"

"Sir, yes, sir!"

Aurian flinched at the sound of so many voices all chanting in such a loud tone. It wasn't the first time she had heard soldiers shouting. There were probably only fifty soldiers all crammed into one small room with Aurian, Will, and a few other military high ups that had some involvement with the N.E.S.T. program. Maybe it was the strange looks she kept getting that had her on edge.

"Ms. Towns is going to speak with you next. You will treat her with respect and understand that she is the human liaison for N.E.S.T.'s Cybertronian allies. Any harassment towards her will not be tolerated by anyone, and trust me," he gave the group a serious look, a slight smirk tugging at his lips, "the military will be the least of your concerns if you do." With that he stepped back and waved Aurian forward.

She stepped up as she did any time she was at any political gathering. She held her head up, kept her eyes forward, and breathed slowly. Though, looking down on the soldiers that were now twice as curious and still unsure of her, she realized just how different it was to speak with a room full of diplomats than it was to speak to a room full of trained military personnel.

"Good morning, gentlemen. My name is Aurian Fae Towns, and as Major Lennox has already stated – I am the Human-Cybertronian Liaison. I'm here to answer questions, as best I can at this time with the clearance that you are all given, and to hopefully inform you better of how you will relate with our allies.

"I am going to start by repeating something you've heard nearly a thousand times since your arrival here; remember that there is more than meets the eye to many of the things around you. You've been told that the Cybertronians disguise themselves as vehicles. You were not given any details further than that, but I will change that.

"As examples of the things you will have to be aware of, I will explain some of the alts of previously encountered Cybertronians; alts being their alternative modes.

"The first is a Decepticon; designation – Frenzy. This enemy has been rendered offline and deactivated. For any of you who may not have gathered, that is the equivalent of dead.

"Frenzy's alt mode was a rather common portable stereo," as she spoke, Will brought forward a stereo that had been setting rather out of place on the platform they were conducting their orientation speech from. "This is an identical duplicate to the stereo Frenzy had mimicked. He had done it so effectively that no one noticed him on the Air Force One carrier that was transporting the president at the time."

There were several murmurs of disbelief among the people before her, but Aurian didn't let that bother her. She expected plenty of disbelief before they encountered their first official Cybertronian in person.

"Next is also a Decepticon; designation – Starscream," Aurian's voice wavered only slightly as she spoke the mech's name, her mind still flashing images of him leering over her, prodding her for information. "This is an enemy that is still functional, and who has been spotted several times recently here on Earth.

"I'm using Starscream as an example because it is very likely that he will make an appearance sometime soon, and we'd much rather you all be prepared for what you will see than to be caught off guard as new recruits.

"Starscream's alt mode is an F-22 Raptor. There is one of these very machines parked out on your tarmac now. It is there because after you are finished here, your next duty is to go study that aircraft as you have never studied anything before. There will not be very many differences for you to pick out between Starscream and an actual Raptor – but the few things you may notice, may save lives." Aurian looked over the faces studying her. There were a few among the crowd that seemed to believe her, but more of them looked doubtful. "Now is the time for questions."

"Ma'am?" One soldier stood, indicating he wanted to be recognized for his question.

"Yes?"

"Not that I'm saying I don't believe you – if you weren't telling the truth, I'm sure Major Lennox would have stopped you a long time ago – but you only mentioned Decepticon alt modes. What about these Autobots we're supposed to be working with? What are some of their alt modes."

"Good question." Aurian leaned on the podium in front of her as she gathered the words she wanted to use. "At one time there would have been an Autobot example that I could have given you; however that example has been returned to active duty and as such his identity has been returned to top clearance again. Currently, all Earth-bound Autobots are in active duty, so I cannot reveal their alts until you are actually cleared for that."

"So, we can know our enemies, but not our allies?" Another soldier voiced, though he did not stand.

"Wouldn't you like to know who's likely to shoot at you?" Aurian smiled slightly, just enough to let the soldier know that trying to talk her in circles wasn't going to work. "The deal with that, soldiers, is that our allies must be protected from more than just the common foe we face. In truth, there are several people out there that would love to get their hands on them for no other reason than to take them apart and see how they work, and while a Decepticon would have no issues with just obliterating a human that wanders too closely, the Autobot's protocol prevents them from even some of the most basic self-defense against us if it means that humans will be harmed. It puts them in a rather precarious position, I'm sure you can see."

"How are we supposed to know that?" The same man spoke again.

"Because," Will spoke over whatever Aurian was about to say, "she just told you so."

There was silence for a little bit while the discomfort of that minor confrontation settled over the room.

"Ma'am?" Another soldier stood. "How big can these guys be? You showed us a pretty small example, and a rather big one. Is that their full range?"

"Hardly," Aurian looked at Will, knowing that the largest 'bot he had encountered was Optimus. "In their race, they can range from as small as an insect, to as large as a planet."

Several voices all spoke up at once, variations of "What?" bouncing off the walls and drowning the room in noise.

"The planet-sized ones..." Aurian spoke as loud as she could to get everyone's attention back, "The planet sized ones are few and far between, but they exist. More commonly you'll encounter 'bots around the size of standard cars, trucks, small planes, large trucks, construction equipment – those kinds of things."

"Why are they here?" A woman at the back of the room asked.

"Good question that I wish there was a simple answer for. The Autobots are here to protect us from the Decepticons. They want to live in peace with us, and hopefully one day build a dual-sided, beneficial relationship between our species that we can all co-exist with. The Decepticons, however...it's harder to say why they are here. Originally they came after an artifact from their home world that had landed on ours – but that's gone now, for all intents and purposes. So, why they're still here is yet unknown, but it seems as though they are still looking for something."

"Is that why they took the children?" The same soldier that had argued with Aurian before asked.

"I wish I could say." Aurian felt that pang of guilt again. "I fear what their intentions are for those girls, but I cannot say I know what they are doing." It was partially true. She figured that they were trying to repeat what they had done with her, but to what end, she was not sure.

The room grew uncomfortable again, the tension over the abducted girls was almost physical. "You said you would take the blame for it, isn't that right?" The man continued. "Why are you going to take the blame for it if you don't know what they're up to?"

"Enough!" Will glared at the man, daring him to continue.

"The Decepticons are brutal," Aurian explained. "I have seen what they can do, and I have reason to believe that it is because of my own contact with them that they are doing this."

"You had contact?" The woman at the back looked disgusted as she spoke.

"Ms. Towns," Will gave Aurian a look that clearly stated he did not want to be telling these soldiers this story yet, "was abducted by the Decepticons over a year ago. What happened during that time will not be discussed here, or anywhere else, without direct clearance from myself, CMO Ratchet, and Autobot Leader Optimus Prime. Her abduction is not to be brought into question."

There was a murmur of agreement amongst the soldiers. Aurian could almost divide the room between those that seemed sympathetic, and those that looked suspicious. Luckily there were more on the side of sympathy. "Let's move on, shall we?"

The rest of the meeting went much smoother, most of the soldiers more interested in learning what they could about their future comrades than questioning Aurian's involvements with the less favorable recent occurrences. There were a few more uncomfortable moments that passed, but Will had put an end to them pretty quickly – removing the one soldier that seemed fixed on dragging the worst things into the spotlight early on.

After the soldiers had been dismissed, Will and Aurian had remained with the other N.E.S.T. officers to discuss what they would do next; what would be covered in the next orientation and when they would schedule the grand introduction once the soldiers were cleared for N.E.S.T. duty. By the time all was said and done, Aurian was well past ready to find a bed.

"We'll show you to your quarters," one of the officers offered, one of the female officers standing beside him. "If you will follow me, Major. sergeant Torres will show you to your room, Ms. Towns."

"Thank you." Aurian was almost tempted to ask if someone would just carry her there, but she thought the joke might not be acceptable, so kept it quiet. "I'm beat."

With quick good-byes, and good-nights, Aurian was more than happy to be following the sergeant that was leading her to her room.

"It's really neat, what you do." sergeant Torres said as they started across an open training yard. "How many people would actually take the time to learn about another culture, let alone a completely alien one? That's really commendable."

"It was really coincidence, I assure you." Aurian felt her inner fangirl stir, completely amused by the complete absurdity of the coincidences that had lead up to this. "But, I wouldn't change it for anything."

"So you like them? I mean, not just as a job?"

"Of course I do. I don't really see how I could represent them properly if I just thought of my duties as a job. They're good beings."

"It's good to hear that. I haven't had a whole lot of contact with them, I've been more involved with a lot of the off-base stuff, but I've heard about all that stuff that happened to you. That's scary."

"It was at the time, yeah," Aurian shrugged a little, "but it's just like people; some are good, some will do horrible things. Not enough to condemn an entire race over, is it?"

"No, I suppose not." The woman smiled at Aurian. "Here's your room. Breakfast is at oh-six-hundred. Someone will come wake you."

Aurian groaned a little. "Okay, thank you." Aurian waited until her door was closed and sergeant Torres was likely a good distance away before giving into the one thing she'd wanted to do all day. "How you holdin' up, Sunny?"

'If one of those deranged flesh-bags so much as comes within three feet of me, I'm going to incinerate them.'

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad is it?"

'Have you ever _heard_ the things they say about what they consider 'hot cars'?' Sunstreaker sounded completely disgusted, so Aurian was pretty sure she could guess what kind of conversations had gone on within audio range of the golden Ferrari. 'I should have made Jazz come in with you.'

"Well, you had the chance." They had made a pit stop along the way, and Jazz had offered to go into the base with Aurian instead of making Sunstreaker go, but for some reason the front-liner had been adamant about being the one within close proximity. "Is Ironhide giving you a hard time?"

'Do you really think he'd miss the opportunity? I'm stuck here with him all night and there's nothing I can do about it...'

"Sounds like fun."

'Sure...it's a blast.'

"At least it's only a couple of days, then we'll be back to Diego Garcia from what I understand."

'Yay, back to being trapped on an island.'

"Geez, Sunny, can't you be happy about something? What's got you in such a bad mood the past few days?"

Sunstreaker didn't respond, but Aurian could feel his wave of confusion, a tinge of what she could almost call fear wrapped around a firm sense of disbelief. Something was definitely on his processor.

"What's bothering you?"

'It's nothing.'

"Is it the same thing that has Jazz looking at me like I'm a riddle that's missing a verse?"

'A what?'

"A...never mind. Are you two all wound up over the same thing? Do you think I have something to do with him coming back? Because I didn't. There's no way I could have, Sunny, it's just not possible."

'Ratchet said you left your signature in his frame.'

"I worked on him, yes, but I didn't bring him back. When I left his frame it was just as lifeless as it had been when I started. I. Didn't. Do. It. Okay?" Aurian flopped on the hard bed she had been provided. She took a second to look around the room; it was small but functional. "Okay?" She repeated.

'Ratchet said he hadn't had the chance to work on him since long before that attack happened...that makes you the last one to have done anything. What did you do?'

Aurian leaned forward so she could study the floor. What had she done? "Nothing..." she replayed everything she could remember doing. She hadn't done anything amazing, or anything miracle worthy. "I just put some wiring together, stuff I salvaged from some of the machines that were there already. I didn't do anything."

It was at that moment that Ruby came trotting over, eager to great her now that she had returned from the all day meeting she had been in.

'I didn't do anything for you either...' Aurian started to put things together. In her strange state of dreaming, the not-mother had told her that she had given Ruby life as a means to an end. Had she actually given the real Ruby life? 'That has to be it.' Still, there was Jazz. What means could he have served that the doppelganger had seen fit to give him life again? Or, was that even the case. 'Why are you never around when I _want_ to talk to you?'

"All you have to do is ask." The not-mother was sitting beside her, rubbing Ruby with one hand as though she had been there the whole time.

Aurian jumped from her seat, startled by her sudden appearance. "You'd think I'd be used to that by now."

'Used to what?' Sunstreaker snapped. After Aurian had told him about Ruby, he suspected that she knew more than she was telling him, and that made him angry. With everything that had happened, why wouldn't she just admit the truth?

"Nobody believing me," she snapped back, suppressing her connection with Sunstreaker. She turned to face the doppelganger, unsure if she was more angry or curious. "Did you have something to do with all this?" She pointed at the cat-'bot setting rather comfortably beside the woman.

"We have already told you that we have. Don't you remember, dear?"

"When I was dying and you put me in some false half memory in my own mind, yes! But you didn't say anything about it being _real_!" She paced a few steps back beside the bed. "What about Jazz? Did you bring him back too?"

"How else do you suspect it would have happened?"

"Why?"

"Do you not want him to be alive?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all! I'm glad he's alive, I'd never take that back. I just want to know _why_."

"Sweetheart, things are as they must be."

"Don't do that again! Just give me a straight answer for once. What reason did you have to bring Jazz back to life? If you could have brought him back, why did you wait until then to do it?"

The not-mother looked at Aurian with sympathy. "Because we have the ability, but not the means."

Aurian felt her heart slow, almost as if it had stopped. She was a means to an end too? "You...used me to revive Jazz?"

"In a certain perspective, yes."

"What other way is there to look at it?" She was dizzy. All this time she had known that this doppelganger, not-mother, _thing_ had been using her for something, but never once had she considered that it was using her to restore life – or create it as the case may be. "You used me!"

"Only as much as you have had to use us to do the same. We have the ability, but we had no physical way of making it happen, while you, my dear, had the physical means, but not the ability. Together, we suspected we could restore a spark, or to create one if needed. At least to some degree."

"Suspected?" Chills ran through her whole body. "Jazz was just an experiment?"

"One must take a first step, before they can reach any goal."

"What goal?"

"To prevent annihilation."

"Of what?" Aurian recalled the first argument she had held with the 'impression' in her mind. 'At least it's the same story every time...'

"Of everything."

"Be more specific, would you?"

A look that disturbed Aurian crossed the doppelganger's face – it was a look of annoyance and of some kind of strange enthusiasm. Aurian got the awkward feeling that maybe she had been waiting for this, while at the same time she had wanted to avoid it. If a being could be more divided, Aurian was sure she couldn't imagine it; and then she wasn't in the little room looking at a strange mimic of her mother petting her laptop in cat form. It took a breath before she realized the change.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; welcome back_

_ Home. I was home again._

_ Of course by now I understood this wasn't actually home, and it wasn't dream either. This was some mix of imagination and alternate reality...and this time it was completely terrifying._

_ I was in my living room, looking at my TV while it played a short scene over, and over. There was no sound, just the endless loop, and as I watched it I knew I had seen it before. The not-mother thing had shown this to me before._

_ Scalpel was going to bring back Megatron...I had to stop this somehow!_

_ ~ Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**~*~This talented artist, RazzieMbessai from - http:/razziembessai (dot) deviantart (dot) com/ - check her out! did a wonderful rendering of Ruby in her cat-'bot form.~*~**_

**Thank You's:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	81. Journal Entry 81

_Journal entry; catalyst_

_I really don't know how much time had passed in the 'Parking-lot' world, but when I came out of it, there was only one thing I wanted and that was to be close to someone who could keep me safe from the horrors that would come if Megatron were to come back. So, I ran right to the hangar that Sunstreaker sat in._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Sunny, please let me in!" Aurian scrambled for the door handle, even if she knew the mech could keep her out if he so chose, she couldn't stop her panicked search for entry.

For his part, Sunstreaker was blown away. It had only been moments ago that Aurian had snapped at him and dampened their bond; as far as he could tell, there had been no time for anything to have happened. Yet here she was, looking terrified and begging for him to let her climb inside his alt mode. If it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have even thought twice about locking down his doors, but Aurian's fear made him act without thinking at all. His door was open and she was inside before he could remember that he was supposed to not like having anyone inside him.

"What's going on?" His scanners were on high, searching for anything or anyone that may have caused this reaction from the woman. Everything showed that the only beings in the vicinity were those with approval to be there.

"If he comes back..." Aurian practically sobbed, "We can't let the Decepticons get the shard!"

"I think that goes without saying. What brought this on?" Sunstreaker nudged at their bond, curious to know what she was feeling, but when she opened it without any further prodding he wished he hadn't.

Sunstreaker knew fear – one didn't go into battle as a front-liner without knowing what fear was, if not feeling it then at the very least recognizing it in those around you – but what Aurian was feeling was such a new level of fear he could easily believe that the end of the universe waited right outside the door.

Aurian took a deep breath, trying hard to calm herself down. She could feel Sideswipe searching their bond for what was bothering her. "I...don't even know how to begin to explain it."

"Well, why don't you try? Ironhide's demanding answers, and he's not being to kind about it either."

Looking out Sunstreaker's passenger side window, Aurian could see the looming black Topkick and could just imagine what he was saying. He had seen her come running in, completely distraught. "Tell him it was a bad dream. Just...just another bad dream, that's all."

Ironhide accepted the answer for what it was. After all, Aurian had plenty of nightmares before...but then, some of them hadn't been nightmares at all.

Sunstreaker, on the other hand, knew better. 'So,' he spoke, using their bond to prevent Ironhide from possibly hearing him, 'what really happened?'

"I just...had a vision, I guess. I've had them ever since I was in that coma a while back."

'Have you told Ratchet?'

"Not exactly."

'Why didn't you tell us?' Sideswipe spoke for the first time in a while over their open bond.

"Because I thought I was going crazy at first...and after that...well, I guess I still think I'm going crazy, but with everything else happening I can't really ignore it anymore." With a soft sigh, Aurian opened up the bonds she held with the twins to the fullest capacity she knew how to reach them, and she began to tell them everything that she could remember she had experienced in the 'Parking-lot' world, starting from the first time while she was in her coma, all the way up to the most recent experience where she was reminded that there were things that she had been shown that she didn't remember. "If the Decepticons get a hold of the Allspark shard, they're going to bring back Megatron...and he will kill Optimus."

'They'll try,' Sideswipe growled. Sunstreaker mirrored his sentiments. 'There's no way they'd ever succeed. Not so long as any of us are active...'

"You don't understand, Sides! This isn't a possible result; this is what _will_ happen if they get the shard." After the retelling of everything, Aurian felt worn. She hadn't realized how much the secrets had been weighing down on her until the weight was gone. It felt wonderful, but she was afraid of the repercussions of it.

'How can you be so sure? Because some imaginary thing that looks like your femme creator tells you so?' Sunstreaker was annoyed by Aurian's complete commitment to the defeat of their leader. He wasn't sure if it bothered him that she didn't believe there could be any other outcome, or because he was afraid she might be right. After all, she did seem to have a knack for knowing things.

"She brought back Jazz," Aurian blurted before she could consider what she was saying. "She...it, whatever! It used me to bring back Jazz, and to give Ruby life. How can I _not_ believe what she says?"

The twins were silent for a long time. After so much time with conflicting thoughts over the idea of Aurian being involved in Jazz's reactivation, Sunstreaker wasn't sure how he felt now that he knew the truth. She hadn't knowingly done it, but she was directly involved. Sideswipe was caught completely off-guard – he had known something was up, but he had no idea that Aurian was suspected in Jazz's reactivation.

'What?' They both intoned at the same time.

"I don't know how it worked, I didn't really ask for a schematic or anything. I just...I asked if she had done it and it all came down to the fact that she had used Jazz as an experiment of whether or not it was even possible to reactivate – or in Ruby's case, create – a spark. The answer is 'yes', I guess, but I don't really understand how. I didn't do anything special! I just...I was just _there._"

'Well,' Sideswipe started, sounding far calmer than the sensations from his bond indicated, 'if for some reason the Decepticons get the shard, and reactivate Megatron,' the former Decepticon leader's name was spoken with heavy distaste, 'and by _some_ miracle he was able to...deactivate Optimus...then that thing in your head could just bring him back again, right?'

Faint hope fluttered inside Aurian, a hope that the worst really wasn't as bad as it seemed, but then one small thing shattered that hope into a billion tiny pieces. "If they use the shard to reactivate Megatron – then there won't be anything left to reactivate Optimus."

'Then we'll just make sure it never happens,' Sunstreaker sounded so sure that Aurian could almost take his words for fact, but there was still that little voice inside her that told her it was inevitable.

"I wish I could believe it's that simple, but I really don't think we have any control over it."

After a few hours of the twins assuring Aurian that there was no way that the Decepticons could get the Allspark shard, she felt at least partially reassured. If nothing else, the Decepticons would have to pull some pretty amazing strategic maneuvers to pull it off.

With a reluctant goodnight, she left the warmth of Sunstreaker's interior to head back to her room; there were only a few hours left before she would be awakened for breakfast and it would be odd if she wasn't there.

She stopped for a moment between the hangar and the barracks where her room was to look up at the sky. The stars were different here than they were at Diego Garcia; more familiar to her, and she found herself wondering what it was like for the Cybertronians. This sky had to be completely alien to them, so unfamiliar. Thinking of them and how far from home they were made her sense of homesickness feel less daunting. If they could do it, and if she had them, then she could do it too. She shifted to get a better view of the familiar stars, admiring their brightness in the dark sky.

A soft whistling sound brought her attention back to the Earth, more specifically to a spot mere inches from her right foot where the dirt exploded. "What the Hell...?" She bent over to examine the spot only to have another burst a few inches away from her head this time. "Shit! Sunny!" She scrambled away from the spots, searching for place that would be safe from her unseen attacker. "Someone's shooting at me!"

The sounds that followed were deafening – the action was dizzying. The hangar Ironhide and Sunstreaker had been parked in exploded from the inside out. The base alarms went off, loud and rhythmic sirens screaming of trouble. Soldiers came barreling from every direction. Aurian continued to scramble for cover as more spots of Earth exploded around her, one coming close enough to scrape her leg as she stumbled over the open space between the hangar and the barracks.

"Sunny!" She could feel him. He was close, but was he close enough? The next sound she could clearly discern from everything else was the sound of a plasma rifle charging, followed by the sensation of being picked up. She knew she was safe then, and the realization of what was going on began to hit her. Someone was shooting at her...as in, with a human weapon. A _human_ was trying to kill her now. It was a horrible feeling, even the pain spiking from her graze couldn't drown the sensation of betrayal.

The biggest problem with the situation at hand was that both Ironhide and Sunstreaker had transformed to protect Aurian. While half of the base knew of, and were familiar with the Autobots, half of them did not, and everyone was armed. When a third bot showed up...well, things got extremely out of control before any sense was made of it.

* * *

"Good morning, everyone!" Will snarled as he paced the platform before all of the gathered soldiers. "This morning was a prime example of why you are still in _training_!" To say the man was pissed would be wrong. Will was rather upset, yes, but he understood the mix up. The new soldiers had never seen any of the Cybertronians, had not been informed that any of them were on base, let alone a third just outside of the compound. However, they were supposed to be prepared for the unknown. "You shot at allies. Luckily for you none of you have the upgraded weapons that would have caused them severe damage."

Aurian had to bite her lip not to mention how livid Sunstreaker was over the chips in his paint. She sat easily behind where Will was pacing, her injured leg propped on another chair. The injury had been minor, but it was enough to hurt. After everything settled, she was more concerned over the issues this attack would cause more than she was worried over her life having just been in jeopardy, so she demanded to be at this gathering. Will had only agreed because the shooter had not been found just yet and he felt better with the woman close to him. He could act as part of her personal guard until the shooter was found. There were few people on base he could trust, considering that the only thing they_ did_ know was that the shooter had been one of the soldiers.

"I want you all to consider how much worse this situation could have turned out to be, had the Autobots seen this as a personal attack. It's in our favor that they're pretty understanding beings..." Will omitted the part where Ironhide had threatened to step on every human that crossed his path if they didn't find the shooter quick, or the part where Sunstreaker had to be physically disarmed by the larger mech to prevent him from just blowing up the base. He counted his blessings that Jazz had been there, and had seemed rather levelheaded considering everything. He had kept the other two from acting on their violent promises, despite his own opinions on what should happen in the event the shooter wasn't found quickly. "Even considering that someone opened fire on their ambassador," he finished with a dark look over the gathered soldiers. "Whoever it was, we _will_ find out and punishment will be quick and severe. If any of you have any idea who it might be, I recommend stepping forward as soon as possible. Until the shooter is found, this base is in full lockdown. No one is permitted to leave this room for any reason until further notice." After one more good look over the recruits, Will turned to Aurian and offered to help her back to her feet, holding her crutches stable for her.

"Thanks," she muttered as she wobbled uncomfortably on one leg.

"Let's go." He led the way out of the room where a few other soldiers waited for them, all people Will knew personally. No one spoke until they had traveled several feet down the hall. "Are they ready?"

"Yes, sir. They were informed of your instructions while you were still in the meeting. They seemed amiable." Sergeant Torres said as she opened a door, indicating that Aurian should go through.

"What are you talking about?" Aurian didn't know why she felt suspicious, but something about the number of soldiers guarding her that all seemed to know where she was going – while she had no clue – bothered her.

"This way, ma'am," another soldier she recognized, but didn't know instructed as he held open another door for her.

"We're leaving, that's what." Will smiled at Aurian as he led the way to the next door they would go through – one that lead outside.

"Leaving? But I'm supposed to stay here through orientation..."

"Which has been canceled until further notice," Will informed her. "There's no way I'm going to let you stay in a hostile environment."

"But, won't you get in trouble?" Aurian followed his lead across the open ground. She noticed instantly that they were headed toward the new hangar the Autobots had been assigned. "Don't you have to wait for some kind of orders, or something?"

"No, your safety comes first, Aurian. Until the rest of the new recruits can be researched, you will not be anywhere in the vicinity. When they arrange passport for you back to Diego Garcia, then I'll bring you back. If they have a problem with it, they'll just have to deal."

"Or they could haul you off to prison for defying orders."

"Not likely."

"How so?"

"They don't have a four-ton alien on their side." Will smiled as they reached the Autobot's hangar. "Optimus has my back on this one, and since you fall under his jurisdiction, it doesn't really matter what they say."

"Oh."

Once inside the hangar, Aurian was somewhat startled to see Ironhide already at the door waiting, with Jazz and Sunstreaker sitting behind him.

"Why am I the last one to know?"

Will shrugged as he offered to help Aurian into Ironhide's cab. "Makes for a quicker escape when your vehicles are in on the plan."

Ironhide shut his door once the woman was inside, and opened the other for Will. He immediately noticed the way Aurian stiffened. "You okay?"

"Yeah," the throbbing of her leg was drawing her attention from anything else she could have thought of, "I've felt worse things." She groaned a little as the vibration of Ironhide's engine resonated through her body and eased some of her tension.

"We already discussed this, Sunstreaker. I'm not going over it again." Will climbed into the driver's seat as he finished an argument that Aurian hadn't even realized that was going on with the golden Ferrari.

"What?"

"Sunstreaker isn't very happy that I'm transporting you," Ironhide explained. "He thinks you should be with him."

"Sunny?" Aurian was somewhat astounded that the mech would argue that she should be with him. If it had been Sideswipe, that would have been different, but Sunstreaker?

"I know...I don't really understand either." Ironhide made sure to keep the rumble of his engine at an easy pace to maintain the vibrations through his cab. He could feel the way Aurian was starting to relax under the influence and decided that it didn't matter if it was a little uncomfortable to him; he could take a little discomfort to give her some ease.

Aurian sent her appreciation for Sunstreaker's protectiveness, feeling a somewhat grudging response that seemed partially a 'thank you' and partially a 'it's my job'. It didn't matter to her why he did it, only that he did.

After a while, Aurian began to realize something else. "Where are we going?"

"Well, seeing how it's such short notice, there's really only once place I know I can take you that there won't be someone who might mean you some harm." Will gave her an almost devious look.

"The farm?"

He nodded.

"But, Will...won't that put your family in danger?"

Will sighed. Yes, it was really dangerous to take Aurian back to the farm. She had already been there for so long, it was growing more and more likely that someone would discover where she was staying. However, in the grand scheme of it all, he couldn't think of anywhere better. Besides, there had been no suspicious activity anywhere near his property and that was just going to have to do. "It is only for a few more days."

'Only a few days...' Aurian thought as she leaned back into the warm seat that seemed to envelop her. For a few more days, at least, she could pretend that she hadn't been betrayed by her own race.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; return_

_ Sarah was waiting up for us when we pulled into the drive – standing on the porch looking the very visage of motherly vengeance. Will had called her to tell her we would be returning for a few days, and of course, he had to tell her why. I'm pretty sure that whatever the Autobots might have done to the person who shot at me was pale in comparison to what Sarah Lennox would have done had she the opportunity._

_ Terrifying._

_ I came to find that there was one other person waiting for our arrival – Roger had left the Allspark project yet again to come be by my side after yet another attempt on my life. If he worked at any normal place, the man would have been fired._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	82. Journal Entry 82

_Journal entry; if it's the beginning..._

_ I was more than happy to spend the night with Roger in peace. I did feel pretty safe, and wanted, when I was in his arms. It almost made everything else just go away. Of course, when morning came around and he seemed to think I had plenty of rest – that's when he started. It was right back to the same old argument that I should quit my job as liaison and go be with him somewhere safe._

_ This was not going to end well, but it was going to end..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Roger, stop! Look at me," Aurian spread her arms in aggravation, "I'm fine! Nothing really happened."

"Nothing?" The man grabbed her arm, turning her hand palm up to reveal the scar from where she had burned herself on Sideswipe shortly after his landing. "Nothing?" He twisted her arms to show her the spider web marks left from the energon poisoning. "None of this..." he pointed to the leg she had propped up beside her on the bench near the stables, "_None_ of this is 'nothing', Aurian! You've got to get away." He held onto her arm tightly, pleadingly.

"Get away?"

"I'm dropping out of the Allspark project. I've already talked to some of the higher-ups. We will leave N.E.S.T. in our dust, go somewhere quiet. As long as we check in every few months, they'll let us go. All you have to do is resign..."

"Let us go? Roger, really? Are you listening to yourself? This isn't hostage negotiations..."

"You've been trapped here exactly like a hostage!"

"No!" Aurian pulled free of Roger's grasp. "Damn it Roger, you don't get it! I _want_ to be here! I _want_ to help them!"

"You want to get yourself killed!" Roger was completely astounded. After everything that had happened, how could she want anything to do with any of it? "Aurian, please, be reasonable."

"I am! Roger, I told you before and I'll tell you again; they need me..."

"They'll live without you."

"...and I need them." Aurian finished with an icy tone to her voice.

"No, you don't!"

With a heavy, exasperated sigh, Aurian turned her gaze to the ground. She had hoped Roger, of all people, would understand; would see the truth of it. "I am far too connected with the Autobots to just walk away, Roger. Even if I wanted to – which I don't," she punctuated that statement with a glare that dared him to challenge her. "But even if I wanted to, I couldn't. The Decepticons wouldn't let me go that easy."

"We'll go into hiding."

"You can't hide from them, Roger." It was something she had come to accept. There would never be any chance of her hiding from the Decepticons. Even here on the farm, they would find her eventually. It was only a matter of time.

"You won't even try?"

"I don't want to try." Despite the anger and frustration she felt toward Roger for what he was asking her, she felt sorrow for denying him. She loved him, of that she was sure now, but she was not prepared to sacrifice her life as she knew it for him. 'I did for them...' her heart ached, 'but not for him.' He would never be her priority. Never the one she wanted to be near above all others. "Go back to your project, Roger."

The man was not blind. He had seen the anger resolve into painful realization. He knew she had made her decision where he was concerned in her life. "You're choosing them over me? Over us?" He watched the tears spill over her cheeks, watched the way her expression set to one of sad confidence. "Auri..."

"I'm sorry, Roger. This is what has to be...everything is as it must be..." she really did hate herself for agreeing with the 'impression's' explanation for why things were as they were. "Go back."

He wanted to say 'no', to keep fighting until Aurian gave in, but Roger could see it as clearly as Aurian did. "I love you, Auri..."

"I know," she had to look away from him, anything was better than the betrayal in his eyes. "I love you too, but this is never going to work. You want what's best for me, I understand, but you..." she choked on her words. Knowing the truth of it all didn't mean speaking it was easy.

"I can't give it to you." Roger's heart knew the truth. He couldn't protect Aurian from the giant alien robots that hunted her. He couldn't protect her from humans that shot at her. He couldn't even save her from her nightmares. He couldn't hide her away where the world could never touch her. He could not save her.

They stayed as they were for a long while; Aurian staring at the ground, Roger staring at her. They had reached a point where they would either accept things the way they were, or they would part ways forever.

"Auri, I will always be here for you." Roger stepped forward, taking the woman into his arms. "I hate your loyalty to them, but I think I understand. Just...if you ever think that maybe...if you ever need anything, you can call me. Okay?"

Aurian nodded, then rested her head against his chest. "I'm sorry, Roger. I really am."

"Don't be." He sighed a sad little laugh. "I fell in love with you because of who you are, you can't change that, and I can't ask you to change it either. I will be here. When you are ready, I'll still be here."

"Don't wait for me, Roger." Aurian pulled away. Something told her that this was wrong, that Roger was the one person for her, but something louder inside told her that she could never treat him the way he deserved. "You deserve better than that."

He let her go. He watched her walk away. He knew this was the end for them as anything more than friends. He hated it with every fiber of his being, but Aurian had made her decision and he didn't see how he could change it without hurting her. "I love you."

* * *

Aurian sat at the kitchen table later that night, staring into nothing. She was sad, but she was more relieved, and that made her feel guilty. Roger only wanted to make her happy, to keep her safe, but she had turned him away knowing that he could not, that she was far more danger to him than she could willingly accept, and knowing that he would never be the most important thing to her.

He had left shortly after their argument, Jazz had been more than willing to escort him back to the base where a plane waited to take him back to the Allspark project. He had reported back to Sunstreaker to let Aurian know that he had reached his destination safely. She was only half relieved that he was going to stay with the project. At least she would know where he was, know that he was safe, if nothing else. Still, it left a twinge of unease in her chest.

A warm, hard pressure against her calf drew her attention down to where Ruby sat under the table, looking up at her expectantly. "What?"

The laptop-turned-'bot leaped onto the table and resumed her original form, a message box opened on her screen. Words were flying in the box between several different speakers, the Autobots were having a conversation about what had happened between Roger and her.

"Wow...and they say news travels fast in teen social circles."

* * *

Sarah was unsure what to think of her house guest.

The woman had had some rough nights with them previously; nights full of nightmares and terrors that Sarah could not even imagine. She had seen Aurian at her emotional highs and lows and she couldn't say she blamed her for any of them. However, the woman had been shot at, had a rather painful graze on her leg, and yet there she was, crawling around on the floor playing with her daughter like the doting woman she was.

"Rawr!"

Aurian shrieked as she crawled away from the attacking toddler, laughing between fake screams and driving the child on. It was adorable.

It was sad.

Sarah had heard from Ironhide what had happened between Roger and her. It bothered her because from their talks, Sarah knew Aurian had loved the man without question, but she had to wonder if this current attitude was real, or a form of denial.

The strange range of unfitting emotions had her wondering if Aurian might be succumbing to the stresses of her job, or perhaps whatever things that had happened to her that left her screaming at night were finally catching up with her, or maybe it was the human attempt on her life. No matter what it was, she worried for the woman. Aurian had grown on her quite a bit on her first visit out to their farm, but now she was as good as family. Practically a sister to Annabelle, and Will certainly worried over her like his own daughter. Even Sarah couldn't help but feel motherly when she tried to comfort Aurian after a nightmare.

She caught a glance of golden yellow as one of the mechs assigned to watch over Aurian slipped back into the garage he had taken over again. Sarah didn't mind mostly, and could respect the mech's desire for privacy; however, she wondered at the strange looks he gave Aurian.

Deciding Annabelle was in good hands, Sarah left the two to their game to follow the golden mech. Sliding in through the side access door she found herself a little intimidated by the large alien. He hadn't seemed to sense her presence yet, and despite her better morals, Sarah took advantage of this moment to observe him.

She had found the aliens to be so very similar to humans, a few body-transforming abilities aside, and also discovered their personalities to be just as varied as humans too. Going off of that alone, she could tell Sunstreaker had something bothering him. She could also tell he didn't want to talk about it.

"You're Sideswipe's twin, right?"

Sunstreaker did well to hide the fact the human had startled him. How had he missed her coming in? "Yes."

"How is he doing? Last I heard he wasn't feeling quite himself."

Sunstreaker snorted. "That's not even the half of it. What do you really want?" Sarah Lennox was the owner of this farm, alongside Will, and Sunstreaker knew she was allowing Aurian to stay here out of the kindness of her heart, so, he tried to be somewhat civil, even if he just wanted her to leave him alone.

The woman studied him for a while longer, Sunstreaker getting the feeling she was sizing him up, figuring his personality, and deciding whether or not she approved of him. He didn't like it.

"Aurian's acting strange, and, as I recall from her last visit, she has some form of connection to your brother." Sarah held her gaze on the mech before her. She had a feeling stubbornness was going to be the only way to get through to this one.

Sunstreaker neither denied, nor confirmed what Sarah had said. Partially because he didn't know what she was allowed to know, but mostly because he didn't think it was any of her business.

"You know what happened with Roger, right?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"They were engaged to be married." Sarah had managed to eke out the admission from Aurian at some point, though she had technically promised to keep it secret.

At first, Sunstreaker didn't understand what that was, but due to Sarah's look and a quick search on the internet he was soon gaping like a half-bit. "They were bond-mates?"

Sarah chose to assume that the term was their equivalent of marriage – it sounded similar at least. "No, not yet, but they were going to be."

"Then why did they part ways?" Now Sunstreaker was more concerned with the whole thing. Even 'to be' bonded mates couldn't part ways without some rather extreme backlash. When a spark resonated to another spark, there was nothing more to be said about it, they would be a pair…it was only a matter of time. It wasn't that far of a leap to suspect that since Aurian could bond with them as a sibling, that she could have just as easily bonded to Roger as a mate.

Sarah sighed heavily. "I had hoped you could have told me that. No one seems to understand why, and Aurian isn't exactly talking about it, and Roger left pretty quickly." Sarah sighed and shrugged her shoulders heavily. "They seemed so perfect for each other – everything considered – and they loved each other." Crossing her arms over her chest, Sarah turned away from the golden mech. "I'll just have to see if I can pry it from her."

Sunstreaker watched the woman head for the smaller, human-sized door. "Would you mind..." he found himself stuck on his words. He didn't normally find himself asking anyone else for help, or favors.

"Tell you what I hear? Sure." Sarah smiled. She was pretty sure she knew Sunstreaker now – tough on the outside, hard to get to, but once you got through that outer shell he was a kind, caring being on the inside. Just like the rest of the Autobots. She suspected that had to be what made them different from the Decepticons.

* * *

Optimus hated being put in the position he was currently in. There had been reports of Decepticon sightings and they had to go investigate. They were already limited on team members – with Bumblebee watching over Sam and Mikaela, Jazz and Sunstreaker being assigned to guarding Aurian, Ironhide currently with Will; though they were trying to get both team members back to base before they had to head out – they were pressed for willing bodies.

"I'm going." Sideswipe snarled dangerously.

"You are not cleared for away missions." Optimus looked to Ratchet for confirmation. The medic shook his head, denying any chance of clearing the young mech for this mission. They could really use the extra force, but at the risk of Sideswipe's health? It would not be worth it. "You cannot go."

At this point, going by past records, all the 'bots present expected a full blown brawl to break out. Sideswipe demanding to go when he was ordered to stay usually ended badly for someone. Namely him. However, this time the warrior mech did not explode in anger. Instead, he squared himself, looked Optimus dead in the optics and spoke calmly and clearly. "Sideways is there, and I will be too."

Ratchet, Arcee, and Jolt looked at each other in astonishment. Optimus continued to hold the disturbingly cold gaze of the surprisingly calm front-liner.

::Ratchet, what is your opinion?::

::I don't believe him to be sound of processor, Optimus, but to be fair; I've never seen him maintain his temper so well. I will go with your decision on this, just keep recent events in mind.::

"Very well. I will grant you to come, but as back up only. If you are not needed, you will remain at your given post. Understood?" Optimus had to wonder if he could trust the young warrior to behave should Sideways make an appearance. Part of him wondered if he _wanted_ the mech to behave. Sideways deserved whatever Sideswipe would give for his involvement regarding Aurian, and he heavily doubted any of the others would argue with him on that.

Sideswipe's expression did not reveal whether or not he planned to follow orders or not, he simply nodded and walked away. There would be time before they departed Diego Garcia, and he needed that time.

'Aurian, are you alright?' He spoke to her over their bond, even as he sent a similar question in a more base form to Sunstreaker. It wasn't that he thought Aurian wouldn't tell him the truth as much as he knew her and her tendency to think everything was fine, or to pretend it was so that others wouldn't worry for her.

'My leg hurts like a third-degree burn dipped in lemon juice, but other than that? I'm fine.' From her tone, Sideswipe felt pretty confident. She didn't have that faint sense of deception in her bond that she got when she was trying to hide something.

Sunstreaker responded with a positive sense – the woman was well enough and safe for now. 'What are you up to?' The golden twin could feel his brother's determination and anxiety.

'Unfinished business. Promise me you will stay with Aurian, keep her safe.' Sideswipe had no intentions of losing in the inevitable upcoming battle – as a matter of fact he was determined that he would come out on top and unharmed – but he still worried for Aurian. What he had sensed from her during and after the recent attack on her by her own kind had him concerned.

'You know I will.' Sunstreaker knew enough of his twin to recognize what was driving him. Vengeance was far from unfamiliar to them, and Sideswipe had pure, hot vengeance running his lines right now. It didn't take much to figure out who it was. 'Destroy him.'

'I will.' The cold confidence almost, _almost_, disturbed Sunstreaker. He was usually the one who was so cold, but Sideswipe had it in him too.

With a grim smirk, Sideswipe continued to his quarters. He had to make sure he had enough energy to take on the Decepticon when he found him, and he had to make sure his weapons were in prime condition to do the job. "I will get you..." he snarled to himself. He could still see the image of Sideways throwing the container that had held an abused and traumatized Aurian. The mech would pay.

* * *

Sarah plopped into one of the rather plush chairs in their living room after laying her rather exhausted daughter down for a nap. Aurian was laying with her leg up on the couch, looking a little worse for wear.

"You should take it easy on that leg, hun."

"Yeah," she rubbed at the sore leg tenderly, "but how often will I really have the chance to play with her like that?" Aurian had meant, when she first spoke, that Annabelle wouldn't be so little for long, but the inclination that she may not be able to come back and play with the little girl was a very likely reality. "I'd do it all day if I could."

With the sad tone to Aurian's voice, Sarah wondered if she really wanted to push the woman for anything that might have been emotional. "So..."

"What happened between Roger and me?"

Sarah smiled a little. "Was it that obvious?"

Aurian pushed herself up a little, so she was more sitting then laying down. "I knew it was only a matter of time before someone asked me, and to be fair, you are probably the most likely one to try."

"Oh." She nodded and settled into the chair. "So?"

"It's complicated, but I guess the base of it comes with a conflict of interest."

"Jobs?"

"To a degree."

Sarah nodded, she could easily see and understand how their jobs could cause a problem for any long-term relationship; however, she knew several people that had done it and made it work pretty well – herself and Will included. "Do you think this just a temporary thing?"

"No." Aurian sighed and allowed herself to fall back on the couch so she could stare at the ceiling. "Roger doesn't like me working with the Autobots. He wants me to walk away from them."

Now it seemed to make sense. Sarah knew better than that. She knew from personal experience because had she tried to make Will walk away from the aliens, it would not have gone over very well at all. "You couldn't do that."

"No."

"You chose them over him?"

"Obviously."

Sarah moved to sit on the couch beside Aurian. "That had to be hard on you, but...you have to do what your heart tells you is right."

"It feels like..." Aurian shrugged. "Like maybe it was never supposed to be in the first place, even though a part of me regrets it just a little. Overall, I feel like it was the right choice."

"In your case? It probably was." Sarah looked down at the woman sprawled on the couch. She could see the hint of sorrow, of regret, but a general sense of ease reigned over the woman's features. It wasn't hard to see that Aurian had indeed followed her heart. "They're lucky to have you."

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; unseen battles_

_ Will and Ironhide had left rather unexpectedly; only saying that there was a sighting and they had to go. I didn't know anything more than that, but I of course worried that the Decepticons had attempted to kidnap more girls. I could only hope that they had not succeeded._

_ I felt Sideswipe dim his bond with me, and when I asked Sunstreaker he had nothing to offer other than he was okay, and not to worry about him. Don't worry? The last time Sideswipe had closed me off he had gone off on some mission that had ended up with him a prisoner._

_ Meanwhile Sunstreaker, Jazz, and I were all off to a new base. It was the stateside N.E.S.T. headquarters where all the soldiers were longtime members, so they assumed I'd be safe there from whomever had made the attempt on my life...I still can't believe someone tried to _shoot_ me..._

_ They said they had a lead on the perpetrator; there had been some evidence leading them to one of their newer recruits, but apparently the guy had gone AWOL. Of course, I can't say I blame him for that. His life was very nearly in the balance, if you listened to Ironhide and Sunstreaker's promises of what they would to do him when they found out who he was. At any rate, there was an ongoing investigation and they were positive that they would catch up to him before long. However, this was also why they were moving me away from Will's family._

_ It's strange to think of all the times I've said goodbye to them now, that this one really did feel like the last. I don't know why I had such a sense of foreboding, but it was strong, and as we drove off, I cried. I tried really hard to convince myself that this wasn't forever. I guess some part of me had a better handle on things than I thought._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

_**Sorry for the drama lama family reunion. -_-;; It's not quite over yet...**_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	83. Journal Entry 83

_Journal entry; second chance_

_ It seems everyone gets one..._

_~Aurian Fae  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian flipped through the channels on the TV in the recreational room. There was nothing of interest on but she kept flipping through. There was only one day left before she was to return to Diego Garcia and she was essentially wasting time while she waited to either hear back from the mission the other Autobots had gone on, or until it was time to go.

She moved aside as another man came in to sit on the couch.

"What are you watching?"

"Nothing." She offered him the remote with disinterest.

The man took the remote and flipped through a few channels quickly. "There's nothing on, is there?"

"No."

"Where is everyone?"

Aurian had noted the decided lack of people roaming the base earlier that day, but she also knew the cause of it. "Missions."

"Oh, I see." They sat in silence for a little longer. "What happened to your leg?"

"Poorly-aimed shot." She smiled a little at the man. He looked somewhat familiar, but she couldn't place from where. She'd come across so many N.E.S.T. soldiers, she could hardly remember the ones she had direct interaction with half the time. "You new around here?"

"Yeah, just got on base today. My transfer was slow."

"Oh." That explained why he didn't know where anyone was. "What's your name?"

"Raymond Yeltsin." He held his hand out for Aurian to shake. "Nice to meet you. You're that alien ambassador, right?"

"Yeah, Aurian." She couldn't get over the feeling that she recognized this particular soldier for some reason. Something specific. "Haven't we met somewhere before?"

Raymond's semi-pleased look shifted to something cold, hard. His grip on her hand tightened. "You might say that." His other hand slipped from under his coat, and Aurian could only stare at the gun pointed at her. "I won't miss this time."

"Hey, Ms. Towns..." The soldier entering the room only just managed to duck as the gun was redirected and shot in his direction.

Aurian managed to take the second to kick Raymond, unfortunately it was with her injured leg, leaving her half curled around her injury, whimpering pathetically.

'What's going on?' Sunstreaker's voice demanded through her panic.

"Help!" Was the only thing she could think of.

"She's dead because of you!" Raymond snarled as he rounded the gun back at Aurian. "My niece was one of the ones those damned aliens took!"

"I'm sorry!" Aurian looked to the shooter again, she really felt sorry for his loss, but more terrified that he may succeed in killing her.

"Sorry won't bring her back!"

"Neither will killing Ms. Towns," the other soldier said from nearby, his own gun drawn and pointed at Raymond. "Put the gun down."

The man looked as though he might comply. "No!"

The room exploded with sound and Aurian could only stare in shock as light filled the room, blinding her for an instant. The next thing she knew she was being hauled by her arms from wherever she had ended up.

"Are you okay, Ms. Towns?" She recognized the voice of the soldier that had come into the room.

"I think so...what happened?"

"Well," the man helped her sit against the wall in the hallway, "I guess your guard caught wind of what was going on."

"Sunny?"

"I'm going to guess that's the yellow one, yeah. Sorry, I don't know them by designation yet. I'm still pretty new around here."

"Yeah, so was he..." Aurian suddenly feared what Sunstreaker had done with the man. "Sunny?" There was no answer, only outrage over their bond. "Sunny! Don't kill him!"

"What?" The soldier was looking around, trying to see what Aurian was seeing.

"Help me get outside, quick, before it's too late!" She pleaded silently that Sunstreaker had not already made good on the promises that he had made the first time Raymond had shot at her. "Sunny, are you listening to me?"

Lifting the woman from the floor and wrapping her arm around his shoulder to provide her support, the man decided that she wasn't seeing anything that he couldn't see. "He can hear you?"

"Yes, it's...complicated." Aurian hobbled with the soldier outside. Her breath caught when she saw Sunstreaker kneeling with the man pinned beneath one foot, and his plasma rifle pointed at him. "Sunny!"

"He still functions," Sunstreaker's voice was monotone and emotionless, but Aurian could feel the violent waves of hatred rolling through their bond. He wanted noting more than to kill this human, but he hadn't. "Permission to vaporize him?"

Aurian was confused at first who he was asking permission from, but the questioning prod over their bond brought her easily to an astounding conclusion. "No, Sunstreaker. He has to go into custody...don't kill him."

It was with obvious effort and restraint that Sunstreaker put his weapon away and stood to a point where he could release the shooter from beneath his foot. "Fine," he growled.

There were enough personnel gathered by this time that Raymond Yeltsin was easily taken into custody. The man was pale and terrified, but otherwise unharmed.

Sunstreaker stormed off after a cursory look at Aurian to be sure she was no more harmed than she had been.

Jazz, whom Aurian hadn't even noticed coming up behind her, offered her transportation away from the scene. "Ya alright?"

"Jazz! Dang it, I'm going to glue bells to your knees!" The soldier holding her up also jumped at the voice of the Autobot. Lucky for Aurian, Jazz was ready and scooped her up even as the man juggled for his weapon again. "It's alright," she told the soldier. "What's your name, soldier?"

"Martin, ma'am. Jack Martin."

"Thank you, Jack, for saving my life."

"Oh, I didn't do any such thing."

Aurian settled herself better in Jazz's hand. "You did, and I thank you for it. You have any desire to go to Diego, Jack?"

"I wouldn't have joined up if I didn't want to, ma'am," his decidedly Australian accent grew even more noticeable in his excitement.

"I will put in a good word for you then."

Jazz laughed. "Well, Ah guess that makes ya as good as there, soldier! We'll be seein' more of ya soon." The soldier saluted and Jazz humored him with a mimicked gesture. Aurian simply waved as Jazz turned to leave the humans to deal with the mess. "Ya sure had Sun hoppin'. Didn't think Ah'd ever see that without Sides bein' involved."

"I guess I grew on him a bit." Aurian smiled. To think of Sunstreaker when he had first arrived here on Earth, and how he was now – it was almost like two separate mechs all together.

"If by 'uh bit' ya mean 'completely', yeah."

The quiet suspicion in the saboteur's voice brought Aurian back to the discussion she had held with Sunstreaker just a few days prior. "Jazz...I have something to tell you..."

Jazz carried Aurian to a place where they could have some semblance of privacy and she told Jazz everything she had told Sunstreaker. "I didn't know, I swear. Not that I regret it..."

"Ah understand, Auri." Jazz leaned back on his hands and tilted his head up to the sky. Aurian sat beside him, unsure wondering what he was thinking. "Ya know, ta tell ya th' truth; it doesn't surprise me at all. Ah don't really mind if it was just some random experiment tha' brought meh back, Ah'm functional an' Ah can't really complain 'bout that."

Aurian could feel the honesty in his voice, and she was relieved. She wasn't sure why she thought Jazz would be upset to find his reactivation was nothing more than a guessed attempt by a mostly destroyed fragment of their long lost history, but his ease with it gave her great comfort. 'Maybe,' she thought to herself, 'it's because I wouldn't be half as accepting if it had happened to me.' "If I had realized sooner, I would have told you."

Jazz shrugged. "Ah was curious, but Ratch's really th' one tha' wants ta know."

"Yeah...I guess I should really talk to him." Not something she was looking forward to. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy talking to Ratchet, it was because she knew there were going to be questions she couldn't answer, which would likely lead to tests she didn't want, which could then lead to any number of other things.

"Ya don't sound exactly eager ta get ta it."

"Nothing against him, I really do like him..."

"But he has uh way of goin' overboard?"

"Something like that. Yeah."

"Trust meh, Ah understand."

"Thanks, Jazz."

Later that evening found Aurian sitting comfortably on a hijacked couch in the Autobot's hangar, watching TV on one of the monitors that had been rigged into the room to provide the Autobots with a makeshift control room. The stateside N.E.S.T. headquarters were never meant for long-term residence for the Cybertronians, but it was still fitted to fill their basic needs if they stopped over for a few days.

In truth, Aurian found herself more at ease here than she had anywhere else the past several weeks. She wasn't going to try and fool herself into thinking that it didn't have to do with the closeness of two rather large, weapon-toting, high sensor-ranged, kick-ass, giant alien robots that had her safety as a priority on their 'to dos'. Instead, she just chose to enjoy it and relax as she had not been able to since Sideswipe was sent back to Diego Garcia. She really did miss him. Sunstreaker was a good substitute, if she had to have one, but she would have preferred Sideswipe's company. He was at least a good conversationalist. Not that Jazz wouldn't talk her ear off if she got him started, but the connection wasn't the same.

To ease her mind, she reached out for Sideswipe's bond, only to find he was still dampening it. She could sense him, that he was _there_ but nothing else.

"Sunny..."

"He's fine," the golden mech answered without any further coercion.

Jazz just looked at them strangely for a klik, then shrugged and went back to enjoying the show Aurian had seemed to settle on. He was more willing to accept the strange bond between the human and the front-liner twins than most, but he still found it a bit awe-inspiring when he witnessed it first hand.

His attention really wasn't on the program at all – his processor was wondering over what Aurian had told him earlier that day. It really hadn't bothered him to think himself an experiment, he was active and that was enough for him, but he did wonder to what ends this 'not-mother'/doppelganger/whatever-she-called-it thing was really up to.

Why had it chosen Aurian of all the humans that it had come in contact with it? Wouldn't Sam have been a better option? Or any of the Sector Seven personnel? They all had far more contact with the thing than Aurian had. 'But they don't have uh bond with Cybertronians,' he reminded himself. Then again, he could only assume that the same thing was responsible for that too, so again; why not Sam? Bumblebee and Sam had been far closer, far quicker than what he heard Aurian and Sideswipe had been. Not to mention how Sunstreaker had acted when he had arrived.

So, what did Aurian have that Sam had not?

"Ms. Towns," Jack, the soldier that had been with Aurian before entered the hangar cautiously. Jazz had picked him up on his scanners, but had been so preoccupied with his thoughts, he hadn't paid the soldier much attention until now.

Jack felt very out of place in the Autobot hangar, by the look of the golden mech – Sunstreaker, he thought he remembered – he wasn't very welcome, but he had a job to do. "Sorry to bother you, but I was sent to collect you for a debriefing."

Aurian turned to the man at the nervous sound of his voice. She quickly picked up Sunstreaker's disapproving glare and – despite the small warm, fuzzy feeling it gave her, she was a little irritated. "Thanks Jack." She grabbed her crutches and sent Sunstreaker a silent 'thank you, but back off', before hurrying to follow Jack out the door. "Sorry about Sunny, he's a little on edge."

"I don't blame him one bit, ma'am."

Aurian smiled. It was good to see that Jack wouldn't hold a grudge against the short-tempered mech for his actions now. It meant a far higher chance he would be more objective in the future, and knowing Sunstreaker, he would probably need to be.

They reached the debriefing room and Aurian found herself to be the center of attention again. She was offered a seat near the front of the room and Jack sat behind her.

A man at the front of the room, obviously one of the higher ranking officers, looked over the people gathered and spared a quick nod toward Aurian when his gaze came to her. "Thank you for joining us Ms. Towns, especially considering recent events."

Aurian just nodded back to show her acknowledgment.

"Originally this meeting was called to discuss what had happened at the New Mexico training facility – both the actions of the humans and the Autobots present were to be brought into question."

Aurian fought the instant reaction to defend the Autobot's actions on her behalf. They were only defending her and there was no way she was going to allow them to take the blame for it.

"However, while the Autobot's actions will still be reviewed, I believe recent events null any questions that may have arisen because of them."

"I beg to differ!" A man toward the back nearly yelled. It didn't take Aurian to beats of her angry pulse to know who it was. "I think that their actions should not only call them into question, but also the person – the human liaison they chose to represent them – that they acted so rashly for!"

"Mr. Galloway..." Aurian struggled to keep her tone pleasant and non-accusing. "How nice it is to see you again."

Galloway made his way to the front of the room, sparing Aurian a look she couldn't quite distinguish. Either he was feeling really bad about what he was about to do, or he had decided she no longer belonged among the human populace. "I have eye witness reports saying that the Autobots acted without provocation..." he showed a rather full file that Aurian wasn't sure how he had gone about acquiring.

"They were acting to defend me, Mr. Galloway. As their representative, I'm sure you can see why they would want to protect me." Aurian wanted so badly to be able to stand and glare the man down, but even her anger was not overriding the throb in her leg. As a matter of fact, she was pretty sure it was making it worse.

"How did they know you were in danger?"

The room grew uncomfortably silent. "Does that matter?"

"Yes, it does, Ms. Towns." Galloway turned to address the officers at the front of the room again. "I'm sure you will all find it very interesting to find that, if reviewed, the security cameras on the base show that the Autobot designated Sunstreaker made the first move long before any alarms were sounded. Actually, you will find that it was _his_ actions that _caused_ the alarms to go off in the first place!"

"Are you suggesting that Aurian was not in danger when her appointed guard acted?" The officer that had been speaking before asked.

"No. Those same security videos also show clear evidence that Ms. Towns had been shot at twice before the Autobot moved to intervene."

"Then what is your point, sir?" Jack spoke up from behind Aurian, his tone clearly disapproving of the man.

"What made the Autobot act?" Galloway turned back to Aurian, accusation clear in his every feature. "How did he know you were in trouble? How did he know exactly where to go? Not even the soldiers in the buildings closest to you – which I might point out were nearly a hundred yards closer than the Autobot hangar – how did they not hear you but he did?"

Aurian could feel herself growing pale. Galloway had figured it out. Maybe not exactly the bond that joined her to Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, but that she had some connection to the 'bots that wasn't normal.

"They're highly advanced mechanical beings, Mr. Galloway," Aurian didn't know the man that was speaking now by face, but she knew his voice; General Morshower. "They are capable of many things we don't understand."

Aurian could just _feel_ the floodgates opening. This was what Galloway had been waiting for – this was his chance to prove that whatever hair-brained theory he had come up with was worth challenging their alliance to test.

"That's exactly my point." Galloway turned to all occupied corners of the room in turn before facing the front once more. "These aliens; these allies of ours – they can do things we don't even know they can do. How do we know they're not eavesdropping on top secret meetings around the world? That they aren't planning some kind of subterfuge and this civil war of theirs isn't just some cover?"

"Because they've saved our asses enough times over to prove that we can afford them a _little_ trust Mr. Galloway, _that's _how!" Aurian bit her lip after her outburst, half because she realized that she had spoken her heart, not what her mind would have preferred, and half because in her rage she had stood up and her leg was reminding her just how useless it was right now.

Galloway looked at her, a slow, mock-sympathetic grin consuming his face. "Saved _your_ ass, Ms. Towns." He turned back for a moment. "Excuse my language," he apologized then he fixed his gaze back on Aurian as if to trap her with his eyes alone. She was cornered and even she knew she was going to have to talk miracles to get herself out of this one. "How many times have they pulled you from harm's way? And of those times, how many times was it because of them that you were even _in_ harm's way, Ms. Towns? I think it's high time you started giving us some answers. The truth."

"The truth," Aurian was stunned, but she was still angry enough to keep some composure, "Mr. Galloway...the truth? How did you get clearance to view those security videos?"

This time, Galloway was the one to pale a few shades. "It happened on U.S. soil, it was a breach of security."

"On a N.E.S.T. facility training ground." Aurian was surprised at her own ability to find something to cling to in the face of this disaster. "You didn't have clearance, did you?"

"Technically..."

"Technically nothing, Mr. Galloway." General Morshower growled. "That security footage was top clearance material, and if you do not have the credentials to prove you have a right to them, you are excused from this meeting immediately. Further penalties pending on evaluation of your transgressions."

"But, General! She didn't answer my question!" Galloway sought something to bring the focus back to where he thought it belonged; the woman who had some alien connection to beings that were more danger than any good they could ever be to them.

"I guess you will just have to wait until you've gone through the proper channels then, won't you?" Nobody would say it, but there seemed to be just the faintest touch of glee to the general's voice as he watched Galloway storm from the room. "Now, that aside. Can we continue?"

Aurian found herself supported and guided back down to her chair. Looking, she saw Jack had come to stand beside her, but when he had gotten there, she wasn't sure.

"You okay?" He whispered.

"Yeah...just...tense." Aurian took a few moments to gather herself, to calm her nerves, and to assess the situation. The general had given her a back door, a way to completely ignore the obvious 'bull in the china shop', so to speak. Was it better to just accept the reprieve for what it was and hope that the others just let it pass eventually, or should she face it now? When everyone was still struck by the thought and by Galloway's overexcited accusation?

"Ms. Towns?" The first officer spoke. Apparently he had been trying to get her attention. "Are you able to continue?"

"Oh! Yeah, of course. Sorry."

"No need." He gave her a concerned look, but continued to regain control over his debriefing room.

The meeting had gone on for some time. Aurian had explained the scene of both attacks more times than she had cared to count, but her saving grace that day had been Jack.

He had stood, quite proudly and explained how even from inside the base where he could hardly hear what was going on outside, Sunstreaker had been able to hear her. Aurian took the blessing as it was and did not give any indication that it could have been any different. When Jack had gone on to explain the restraint Sunstreaker had used to not simply crush Raymond, Aurian could have practically praised him as an artist of spoken word.

When the meeting was over and Aurian struggled to get back up, he was there to help her.

"Thank you, Jack."

"I couldn't very well leave you to limp about, now could I?"

"I meant for what you said, but that too. You didn't have to say anything."

"I was witness to it. Of course I had to say something. Whatever that Mr. Galloway is up to, it's obviously nothing good." He made sure Aurian was stable before stepping away from her. "You sure you're all right? You look a little pale."

"If I only had a dime every time someone has told me that recently," she laughed easily. "I'm fine. I just put more weight on my leg than I should have. Some rest and I'll be back to hobbling around like new."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; ship out_

_ It was finally time to go home, and I found myself up all night to be the first ready to go. Not that I could have hurried anything along, but that seemed to be of little consequence to my subconscious._

_ Sunstreaker was just ready to be away from all the humans he had to 'play nice' with. At least at Diego Garcia there was little chance of accidental exposure to those that weren't allowed to see him. Not to mention he could get his paint fixed. He was still pouting about the small little chips – I could barely see them. If he hadn't oh so explicitly pointed them out to me, I probably wouldn't have noticed. Still, to ease his personal discomfort, I offered to help him once we got back to base. I don't know if he appreciated the offer or not, but either way; I owed him a wash anyway._

_ I was just happy to be going home. At least, to what had become home._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	84. Journal Entry 84

_Journal entry; never how you want it to be_

_ So, walking back onto the base was like a breath of fresh air...until I found out that everyone was still gone on some mission – Sideswipe included. I'm not really sure why it hit me like that. I had been so eager to return just because it was familiar to me, but it turns out what I was really looking for was something else. Without the Autobots there, it didn't feel like home._

_ The first thing I did when I arrived was to be heralded off to some office to be told that my stay back on Diego Garcia was just as temporary as anywhere else I would be staying until they could assure my safety. With Scalpel having been on base, the chances the Decepticons may show up again were too high for them to just bunker down and hope they wouldn't. Not only that, but I was to go to some evaluation to determine how the most recent attack on my life had affected me mentally. Somehow...I think Galloway was behind that one._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So, when did they hire a shrink for the N.E.S.T. project?" Aurian hobbled inside the newly revised office, looking at the walls that were covered in 'positive' or 'uplifting' images. Whoever this lady was, she was _not_ military. Or at least, she didn't conduct her office as 'militant' anyway.

"Have a seat, Ms. Towns." The woman was average height, slightly on the heavy side with long blond hair pulled back in a simple braid. She wore glasses, and clothes fitting of a leisure day at the beach. She turned to Aurian with a rather large, very honest-looking smile. "I've been working with the N.E.S.T. teams since their beginning over a year ago. Mostly evaluating new recruits and being an open ear for some of the soldiers. They just moved me out here recently."

"Really? Wow. So, you like your job?" Aurian plopped into one of the chairs set seemingly randomly around the room. Though, despite the randomness, it didn't seem awkward or uncomfortable.

"Parts of it," she admitted as she also took a seat. "My name is Myrtle Hays," she stretched a hand to shake with Aurian, then settled back into her seat, crossing her legs into the chair. "How about you, Ms. Towns? How do you like your job?"

"I love my job!" Aurian realized her words were an instant reaction with no thought given to them. She also saw that Myrtle had expected as much from her. "I mean, I love most of what I do. I like working with the diplomats most of the time; most of them are really nice."

"There's no need to worry, Ms. Towns. I'm just here for some friendly conversation."

Aurian couldn't stop the huff of disbelief. "Right, and I'm a three toed sloth."

For a moment, Aurian had second thoughts about her speak-first-think-second reactions, but then Myrtle started laughing and she knew that they would be able to actually talk to each other. There was no need to play the game; they both knew why she was here.

"Okay, you got me. I have been charged with evaluating your mental state, though so far I think I've got nothing but confidence that you're pretty sound of mind. However, I am interested in some friendly conversation, if you don't mind. It will help me reach a conclusion far better than giving you the sanity survey. So, how about we chat for a while, and just be open?"

"Sure," Aurian hesitated. "I have to ask, I mean, I know you're probably high clearance and everything being an open ear to all the things that go on around here but..."

Myrtle produced a card that clearly stated her clearance rights. She didn't look troubled at all to show her credentials, which put Aurian at ease. "No worries there, Ms. Towns."

"Aurian."

"Myrtle." They shook hands again. "So, tell me about the robot twins."

"Please don't call them 'robots', it's so impersonal."

"Fair, but tell me about them. I've heard you have a pretty tight connection with them. There was some talk about a 'psychic link', though I have to admit I don't really believe in that kind of thing."

"Yeah..." Aurian could have easily told Myrtle the truth – she had the clearance for it – but she just didn't think even this seemingly mostly open-minded woman would truly understand the depth, or the uniqueness of the bond she shared with the twins. "I guess it might appear that way sometimes. We're just really close. You know, like when you get that 'connection' with someone that's so good you can finish a sentence for them?"

"Sure."

"It's like that."

"That's pretty special; to have that kind of relationship with beings not of this world."

"When you consider that they're not much different than us, it's not that special. I mean, they have emotions; they love, they hate, they hurt, they care, they have hopes and dreams just the same as we do."

Myrtle looked as though she were pondering this aspect for a brief moment before she nodded her head. "I can see that, they do seem rather humanistic. So, you've become pretty close to all of them?"

"I'd like to think so. Jolt and I may not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but even we can come to a mutual understanding."

"Jolt's the medic?"

"He's an aide."

This raised Myrtle's interest. "An aide? As in, he's an assistant?"

"Yeah, mostly. I mean, he's like a medic in training."

"So they learn like we do, by apprenticing?"

"In a way."

"That's very interesting. So, what is your relationship with the other Cybertronians?"

"Pretty friendly, I'd say. I can't really speak for any of them personally, but I find all of them very nice to me. I'd count them among friends to me."

"Interesting. And how about your relationship with the humans in the N.E.S.T. project? Do you get along with them?"

'Yes', had been Aurian's first thought. She did get along with a lot of the soldiers on base, but the image of Raymond flitted through her mind and she remembered that – though they had come a long way since Will had discovered her; there were still some that didn't trust her, or flat-out didn't like her. "I guess it's a little harder to win over a few hundred people than it is to get on the good side of a hand full of aliens."

They talked much like that for hours, Aurian finding Myrtle to be a companionable conversationalist. She had told the woman of her sorrows for leaving behind her family, her apartment and all her small treasures, and her troubles with the soldiers of N.E.S.T., but that she found living with the Autobots to be more than worth the sacrifice most of the time. She teared up a little talking about her mother and their last conversation. She admitted to having every intention of calling her again, from a secure line, but everything had kept her so busy she simply hadn't had time.

Myrtle even managed to talk Aurian into revealing a lot about her relationship with Roger, about how she had thought that she could marry the man and be happy with him, but their jobs just got in the way. Myrtle's insight was amazing as she pointed out that it seemed like far more than just their jobs had gotten in the way of their relationship. Apparently, as a trained psychiatrist, Myrtle had gathered that their conflicts over Aurian's attachment to the Autobots had put a rift into their relationship that would likely have never been bridged. Even though Aurian had known that, she was still amazed that someone else could see it so clearly.

"Well, Aurian," Myrtle sat back into her chair again after their conversation came to an end. "I believe I can say, with all confidence that I find you sound of mind enough to complete your duties."

Aurian could feel her heart sinking at the tone of the woman's voice; there was more to her statement than that. "But?"

"I do think you should consider a vacation in the near future." She smiled at Aurian. "At your convenience. Have some downtime. Relax."

With a heavy sigh of relief, Aurian reached for her crutches. "Thank you, Myrtle. It's been great talking to you."

"I have an open door. Any time you need someone to talk to, day or night; you come to me, okay? I'm pretty easy to find." Myrtle walked with Aurian to the door, and held it open for her. "Anytime, remember that."

"Thanks." Aurian wasn't sure why she felt like the offer was more of a demand, but it was pretty clear that Myrtle would take no excuses. "I think you and Ratchet would get along very well."

"You're not the first person who's said that!" The woman laughed as Aurian made her way down the hall.

All in all, Aurian did feel better having let go of so much she had kept in. Between telling Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Jazz all the secrets she had held to herself for so long, and letting some emotional baggage loose with Myrtle, she was practically on a high of relief.

Oddly enough, she thought, she wasn't done talking though. She felt the need to keep talking, but not to Myrtle. Myrtle had been good to talk out her feelings, her needs as a human to release the pent-up emotions, but Aurian had been around the Cybertronians long enough, and her unique insight gave her the drive to want to discuss things that another human probably wouldn't, or couldn't understand. Not as clearly as a Cybertronian at any rate. There were very few 'bots on base currently due to some mission, only Sunstreaker and Jazz had been left behind due to their duties with her...and one other.

"Why are you bothering me?" Barricade asked, though his tone was even and his voice held none of its usual sarcasm. He had long since abandoned trying to instill some form of fear in the human that seemed immune to his efforts.

"Why are you acting like a hermit? Everyone says you haven't left this place since..." Aurian's chest hurt just thinking of the event that had lead to Barricade's apparent permanent retreat to the brig.

"What else would I do?"

"I don't know. What about all the things that you were doing around the base?"

"I've kept myself busy enough around here," he waved his hand to show the alterations he had made around the area – including what looked like a rather functional, 'bot sized office where Barricade had been spending a large amount of his time.

"Doing what? I mean, not that it doesn't look good – I bet a spider would think twice before it tried to trespass – but that didn't take you very long, I'm sure. What else have you been up to?"

"Nothing of your concern." Barricade pushed a datapad away from him, almost guiltily.

Aurian didn't miss the action and had to fight the urge to look at the thing. The only thing that stopped her was the fact she knew she couldn't read whatever may have been written on it. 'Heck of a lotta good an alien alphabet does for you when the language is still alien...' "'Cade..."

"You shouldn't be here. You're injured, shouldn't you be somewhere recovering?"

"Somewhere recovering? Well, if that wasn't a blatant blow off, I don't know what is." She leaned back on her arms; making herself more comfortable on the desktop she had convinced Barricade to lift her to. "That just makes me more curious as to what you've been up to."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I worry about you," Aurian stated rather flatly.

Barricade couldn't help the bark of laughter at her statement. "_You _worry about _me_? I think you need to reassess your priorities, femme. You're the one whose feeble life has nearly been ended three times in just the last few orns."

"It happens." She shrugged as though it were of no consequence. It didn't really matter that the idea itself made her sick to her stomach; the fact that not only had Scalpel made an attempt on her life, but that so had one of the humans that she was supposed to be able to trust made her realize just how precarious her life was. Barricade didn't need to know that. "So, tell me what has kept you so busy that you haven't left this brig for more than a few hours since...then."

"Nothing."

"Bullshit."

"You humans are so disgusting."

"You don't even know the half of it."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I do." Barricade shifted in his seat again. To be honest, he still wasn't comfortable with the things Optimus had given him to make his stay 'more comfortable', but he couldn't argue that a proper chair was far better than a shabby excuse for a berth or the floor.

"So you've been researching?"

He offlined his optics for a moment with annoyance. 'Stubborn as ever...' He reminded himself of all their previous arguments. The human femme was more persistent than anyone he had ever known, and much to his distaste, she had a way of coming out on top. "Yes," he admitted hoping that she would be satisfied.

"Just humans in general, or has there been something specific?"

It really had been too much to hope for. "I have researched everything your Prime has deemed important for all Cybertronians wishing to reside on this despicable ball of mud to learn."

"And that took you...what? Three minutes?"

Of course, she would know that it didn't take them very long to download the prepackaged data file.

"What else?"

Barricade studied Aurian for a long time, debating whether or not he should tell her what he had really been up to. It was between himself and the Prime, an arrangement to sate both Optimus's need for the mech to be doing something constructive, and Barricade's desire to remain away from the general populace of the base, while still remaining within its 'protective' borders. She would find out eventually. "I have been putting together data on the...mechs...your Autobots have come across here on Earth."

Aurian couldn't believe what she was hearing. Barricade had been so adamant about not sharing the information he held as a Decepticon with the Autobots that she was positive nothing would ever change his mind. "W...wait, what?"

"You heard me."

"But I thought..."

"The tides have changed, you might say. They've crossed the line." After everything had settled from Scalpel's attack, Prime himself had come to Barricade asking for his assistance. Barricade had only been resistant for as long as it took him to remember that the little field medic had literally torn Aurian apart. If it had been any other human, he probably wouldn't have cared, but Aurian had managed to somehow get into his wiring. He liked having her around, and Scalpel had tried to take that away from him. Enough things had been taken from him in his lifetime to teach him to hold onto what he had, no matter how reluctantly it might have been. "And only because Optimus Prime asked me himself."

"Is that all it took? Him asking you?"

"No." Barricade wouldn't tell her the truth of it all, but he didn't want her thinking he had been that easy to sway. "Are you satisfied now?"

Aurian thought on it for a moment before she answered. "Yeah, I think I am. So, you're officially..."

"Helping Prime, no one else. I'm not one of them, so don't even think it."

Aurian held up her hands to show she understood and would not push any further. "I'm just glad to know you're not wasting away."

"I'm not that easy to get rid of," Barricade grumbled as he shifted around again. "Is this the only reason you're here? To bother me about what I've been doing?"

"Mostly." Aurian had come for another reason. She had questions of her own, but she wasn't sure if Barricade could, or would, answer them. "I...had a dream the other night." She sat up all the way again, shifting so her weight wouldn't be on her injured leg, but so that she didn't have to look anywhere but at her hands either. "What would happen...I mean, I was just wondering if; hypothetically, if Megatron were to come back..."

"That's not possible, so stop worrying about it." To Barricade the question was nothing more than the absurd product of a paranoid mind, a waste of time.

"But what if he did?"

"He can't."

"But what if he did?" Aurian couldn't just let it go. The image of Scalpel reintroducing a spark back into Megatron's shell was just too vivid. "What if, somehow, they found a way to do it?"

He didn't want to think of what would happen if Megatron was brought back again, and he was about to completely dismiss the idea when something else occurred to him. "You're worried that since Jazz was reactivated, Megatron could be reactivated too, aren't you?"

"...sort of, yeah."

"Jazz was a freak accident. There's no way it could happen again." He glared at the human looking as though some heavy weight were crushing her, pushing her shoulders ever closer to her knees as she cringed. "Megatron will never come back."

"But..."

"Why are you so fixated on this?"

"Because I...had a dream." Barricade's adamant denial of the possibility made Aurian fear even more what might happen should the deactivated Decepticon lord be reactivated. "It was...more than a dream."

"A dream?"

"Yeah. It was like...well, remember how I had reached out to you even though I was physically unable to?"

"When you said your laptop was allowing us to communicate? Yes, I remember."

"Well, it's kind of like that."

"Your laptop told you Megatron would come back...in your dreams?"

"No, not really."

"Then it is nothing like that."

Aurian sighed. "Okay, I guess let me start from the beginning..." Aurian did her best to explain to Barricade the same she had explained to Sunstreaker and Sideswipe about the not-mother and all of the things she could remember from the 'Parking-lot', including having found him there before.

Barricade simply stared at the femme blankly while she described things to him that he was positive couldn't be, yet he could connect to things that had actually occurred throughout his acquaintance with the woman. It made a disturbing kind of sense; the kind that was normally ignored because it seemed unconnected – but when the pieces were put together, created a rather distressing image. When she reached the revelation of her unintentional involvement with Jazz's reactivation, and then the activation of her laptop into a living machine, he decided he knew why Aurian was afraid of Megatron returning. A: she was afraid that the Decepticons would find out about her involvement with Jazz and laptop 'Ruby', and try and force her to repeat the action, or B: she had some other insight – the dream.

"What exactly did you dream?" He asked after she fell silent.

"In the 'Parking-lot' – in my apartment – I was watching TV, but there was only one scene playing over and over. Scalpel used the shard to activate Megatron at the bottom of the ocean."

"Isn't that locked away somewhere? Hidden from everyone except Optimus and a few chosen humans?"

"Yeah..."

"So it is unlikely that they'll discover its location."

"But not impossible."

They both sat in silence for a while, considering the possibilities before Barricade spoke again. "What do you plan to do then?"

"I'm not sure...I can't let them bring back Megatron."

"If the human military, a hidden location, and the Autobot defenses that have been put in place cannot stop them, how do you think _you_ can?"

"I haven't really thought about that. I mean, I thought that Starscream would rather be painted pink than willingly bring back Megatron, but apparently something either changes his mind, or someone goes behind his back to do it. But why?"

"You seem to know so much about us, you should know why. Not many really want to follow Starscream. He's not what you may call 'leader material'."

"I guess..." The thought didn't help Aurian any with her fears. So, not only did it seem it was possible, but there was motivation enough for someone to try it. "I'm going to have to figure something out."

Barricade found himself stunned. "Why you?"

"Who else?" Aurian got to her feet and indicated she wanted to be let off the desktop. "No one else knows like I do...for them, it's a 'what if'; for me it's a 'when'."

Barricade had a decidedly uncomfortable feeling about the whole situation. Aurian's strange notions had been right often enough to not disregard them. "Don't do anything foolish."

Aurian chuckled a little. "No promises." Once she was back on the floor, she thought about what she would do next. "I'll see you later, 'Cade."

As the human hobbled away, Barricade decided something else. Whatever it was she decided she had to do; he wasn't going to let her do it alone.

Aurian, for her part, wasn't sure _what _it was she was going to do. She had to stop the Decepticons from getting the shard, but what could she do to turn their interest away from it.

"In the grand scheme of things," the doppelganger spoke from her side, "one life isn't very much, is it?"

"Compared to what?"

"Millions."

"One life compared to millions...no, it's not a lot, but what are you talking about?"

The not-mother looped one arm through Aurian's, pulling her a little closer to her. "Dear, you can be awfully blind when you choose to be. The answers are before you, you only have to choose to accept them."

Aurian didn't like the tone of the imposter's voice. Her mother had rarely used that tone, and it was usually reserved for times when she had been foolish – like when she had gotten drunk with some friends when she was only sixteen and arrested for it. "Go away."

"We are only trying to help."

"You're just pissing me off."

The doppelganger smiled a tight little smile before turning to face Aurian full on. "Time is running short, child. Pay attention to that which is around you," and with that she was gone. Not only was she gone, but Aurian got a distinct feeling that the impression had left her completely. It was disturbingly uncomfortable, like she was suddenly shoved out on her own with no warning.

"Aurian?" Myrtle was now standing in front of her, a very concerned look on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I just have some things to do." She hurried past the concerned woman, too distracted by the words the not-mother had spoken. 'Time is running short?' She thought of all the possibilities that could have meant. Was she running out of time to stop Megatron's resurrection? Or to stop the 'annihilation' she kept talking about? Or was it just to find the answers that were supposedly right in front of her? 'One life compared to millions.' There had to be something to that. What life? Did she mean Megatron? Or maybe she meant Optimus. Did he have to die for whatever was supposed to happen to happen? For things to 'be the way they must be'? "I won't let that happen!" She snarled to herself as she slammed open the door to her quarters.

There, sitting as any loyal feline awaiting her human companion to return, sat Ruby. She looked at Aurian expectantly, her cord-like tail slowly sweeping from one side to the other.

"What do you want?" Aurian felt deep in her guts that things were about to change...again.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; there's a saying about 'tough'_

_ The tough get going, right?_

_ Okay, so I had some things to think over._

_ Time was running out; but what time, and for what? I already knew the consequences of if the Decepticons got a hold of the Allspark shard, but how were they going to get it? Did I try and keep it from them by advising Optimus to move it? Or would that be the thing that led the 'Con's to the damned thing? But, what if I did nothing and they knew where it was in the first place? How was I supposed to know how to fix that?_

_ Maybe I couldn't. Maybe it wasn't the shard at all that I had to worry about. What if the Decepticons were looking for something that wasn't the shard? Then, it could be completely removed from the equation all together, right? But what could I have them looking for that would take their interest off the shard?_

_ As if all-powerful beings inside your head wasn't bothersome enough...having them suddenly up and vanish was worse. I felt like I was stuck in the world__'__s biggest brainteaser__and my clues were; life, and death.__ Helpful._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	85. Journal Entry 85

_Journal entry; where's the wall for my head?_

_ Okay...you know how sometimes you think everything is a pain in the butt, but at least you're managing it? And then the things that you thought you'd taken care of, that you didn't have to worry about were behind you...but then they're not...okay...well, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you will in a minute..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian had spent the better part of the next two days with Ruby; trying to come up with some solution to what she thought was the problem she was currently facing.

"There has to be something I'm just not seeing..." she paced her room with a heavy limp. Her doctors wouldn't be happy to know she'd abandoned her crutches, but she was finding them more of a bother than helpful now that her leg didn't feel like it was going to fall off anymore. "Maybe someone is coming that would need the Allspark shard for repairs? Could that be it?" She looked at Ruby's laptop screen. "Ruby, can you see if there's any incoming Cybertronians? Maybe one that's hurt or something..."

{Searching. Inbound Cybertronians found: none.}

"None?" Her disappointment was less that she hadn't found the answer, and more that she had actually hoped more of the Autobots might find their way here. "How many are close?"

{Searching. Please narrow criteria.}

"How about, just Autobots not already on the planet."

{Autobot spark signatures within Earth vicinity: fifteen.}

"Fifteen! How close?"

{Currently within the gravitational rotation of this planet's cosmic space.}

Aurian stared at the screen blankly for a while. "I don't think I can even comprehend how much space that is..." She flopped on her bed dejectedly. "Why won't that stupid..._thing_ answer me, Ruby?"

{Not enough information to reach a probable conclusion.}

"Right." Aurian sighed. "Okay, then, what do you think, Ruby? What should I be doing? How do I...do whatever it is I'm supposed to do?"

A sharp, electronic sound screeched from Ruby as a new window popped onto the screen, scrolling the words 'Warning!'

"What? What's wrong?" Aurian watched as several characters all scrolled over the screen before settling into something that she understood.

{The Fallen shall rise again.}

"The Fallen..." Aurian's mind scrambled for something. The name sounded familiar, she knew it was nothing good, but where had she heard it before? "That's...dang it I _know_ this one! 'The Fallen' has to do with the Primes; I think...something about the original thirteen? It's one of those stupid obscure facts, isn't it? Decepticons; so not my strong point."

Ruby made a 'ding' sound as a file opened its self from a very nested folder. It was labeled 'TF - DW - The War Within' and showed an image of a dark mech engulfed in flames.

"Dreamwave's 'The War Within'. I'd always meant to read that one. Now I _really_ wish I had." Scrubbing her face with frustration, Aurian got back to her feet. "Why is it that I can know so damn much, but not a lick of the crap I need to know? I've got to talk to Optimus...he'll know what that means."

{Connect with Optimus Prime?}

"No. He doesn't know about you, and right now, I think maybe that might be better. The less rules he knows I'm breaking, the better. I wish I had a better way to reach him than through the alien-bond-grapevine."

{Suggestion?}

"You have one?" Aurian laughed, even her laptop had more ideas than she did at this point. "Go for it."

{Alternative device: Teletran.}

"That's right...I'd almost forgotten about 'Unknown'. I bet I could reach Optimus through it. Thanks, Ruby. You're one of the most helpful beings I've come across in a while."

The laptop shifted back into the feline alt form and sat proudly on the table with her tail wrapped tightly around her feet.

"I'll be back as soon as I get some answers." She finally felt like she was on the right track. She had a name and she was sure Optimus would know what it meant, if she could just reach him.

She was halfway between the barracks and the medical wing where Teletran Unknown was housed when sheer, unrepentant, satisfied glee tore through her unexpectedly. Aurian almost collapsed where she stood under the force of it, and she started laughing. She laughed so hard she cried, and she could not find sense of mind enough to get anywhere out of the way, so when she was lifted by two young men she could only laugh more. A panicked voice in her mind screamed to know what was going on, but all of the rest of her was vested completely into the sensation of savage joy. It was a feeling of brutal satisfaction, of violent release. It was wonderful and it was blinding.

"Ms. Towns? What's wrong?" Aurian knew the voice to be one of the medical staff, but she really didn't care to bother remembering who it was.

"We found her on her way here," one of the people hauling her said as she was deposited on a flat surface. "She hasn't stopped giggling the whole way."

"Ms. Towns?"

"Do it again!" Aurian finally found her voice enough to call out, though her words weren't for the ears that they fell upon. She reached out, back to where the feeling had started from and found more of the same. Sideswipe was happy – better than happy. "Do it again!" She demanded.

"Do what again?" The medical personnel were busy all around her, trying to strop her squirming so they could get a better idea what might be wrong with Aurian, but she had no interest for them.

'Believe me...if I could, I would.' Sideswipe's answer was disappointing, and thrilling all at the same moment. 'Bastard's deactivated. There will be no putting that glitched piece of slag back together no matter how insane that creepy little medic of theirs gets.'

"When are you coming home?"

"What is she talking about?" The woman's concerned voice grabbed a fraction of Aurian's attention.

"Myrtle?"

"Aurian? What happened to you? What are you talking about?" Myrtle was beside Aurian, watching what all the other people around her were doing. "Did you fall?"

"Ha!" Aurian could finally gain enough sense to interact with the people around her, though she still felt the high of Sideswipe's satisfaction. "I don't think I could have fallen far enough for my head to get that messed up..." That's when it hit her. Myrtle was looking her in the eyes, a sad, worrisome look in her eyes. "I'm fine, Myrtle...it's complicated."

"So you've said."

Aurian didn't know what to say to the woman to make all of this look like anything less than budding insanity.

"Can you stand?" The staff member that had been tending her asked as he helped Aurian sit up.

"Yeah, I'm fine now. Thanks, Doug." She knew the man now that she had her senses. He had been one of the human attendants to help her while she stayed in the medical wing. He wasn't a doctor, but he was nearly as good. He was also one of the ones who knew Aurian's odd connection to the twins.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah..." she debated if she should tell Doug what she could guess had happened. With the familiarity she had with him, she wouldn't have hesitated, but with Myrtle looking at her like she had suddenly sprung a leak in her forehead, she was suddenly uncomfortable. "It was...um...Sides."

"Good news?"

"Oh yeah," she shivered with the residuals still pounding through her veins. "But I've got to make a phone call real quick, you mind?"

"Sure, if you're stable on you're feet, I don't see why not." Doug made sure Aurian was steady before he let her walk away.

"What is going on here?" Myrtle spoke softly.

"Can't say I really know."

"What's 'Sides'? Wasn't that one of the alien's designations?"

"Yeah, one of the twins. The older ones." Doug shrugged. "She knows what's going on with them sometimes. It's really hard to describe, you just have to see it. It's like they're linked. I guess the rest of us have just gotten a little jaded to it, really don't question it anymore. But I can remember what it was like the first time I saw it, it looks a lot worse than what it really is."

"I...will have to look into that." Myrtle shook her head as she watched the woman messing with some large machine. "She seemed so normal..."

"There's nothing normal about her," Doug laughed as he walked away.

Aurian worked at the machine as well as she could, but she found herself at a loss. Despite the fact that she had built it, she couldn't remember how to operate it. "Come on, really?" She silently begged the Allspark impression to give her a hint, some answer to help her.

'What's up?' Sideswipe's voice slid through her mind, still so full of gratification.

"I need to talk to Optimus."

'Right now's probably not the best time, is there something wrong?'

"Not immediately, no. I just needed to ask him a question." Aurian sat on Teletran Unknown. Obviously, it wasn't going to help her any right now. "You ever heard of someone called 'The Fallen'?"

'Where'd you hear that name?'

"I didn't. Not technically, I guess. I was...um..." she hesitated to mention 'files' or 'Ruby' when there were so many that might be able to connect the words with her laptop. Even if the false one had been returned to the base, she didn't want to raise suspicions. "Researching some things and it was one of the names that I came across."

'Now that's about the creepiest thing I've ever heard...' the wave of panicked disbelief that filtered through their bond put Aurian on edge.

"What?"

'The Fallen shall rise again...'

* * *

Aurian sat on the floor, her fingers working at her temples.

Since the 'Shanghai' incident, she hadn't heard the end of angered government representatives. They were angry that, yet again, the Cybertronians had been exposed as violent machines invading their planet. She had talked long and hard to get things under control yet again, but there had been one thing that was throwing a kink in everything.

"It is only temporary. I think you need to recover from your injuries for a while."

"Myrtle, I don't have time to 'recover'...and besides that there's nothing really wrong with me. I can walk fine."

"It's not just your leg, Aurian. You've been through a lot."

Aurian groaned and threw her head back. "What happened to you're first opinion? I thought you said I could take a vacation at my convenience."

"That was before I talked to some people and found out that your last leave of absence had been forced on you. You know," Myrtle crouched beside Aurian, one hand working the tight muscles in the woman's shoulder, "if you were a soldier, they'd have already given you honorable discharge and you'd be sitting home comfortably for the rest of your life after everything you've been through."

"I'm so sick of hearing that. Do you have any idea what it's like to have people tell you over and over again that 'you've been through so much'? It's annoying, and frustrating, and...do you people even _get_ what I'm doing? It's not like I'm just working a desk job, or that even anything that could be done in passing! They need me to be here for them, to be their voice among the humans. It's far too short a step to cross that line between trust and fear. If I walked away now, that step would be so much closer." Aurian pushed herself off of the floor and away from Myrtle.

"I didn't realize you were so passionate about your job."

"It's not just my job anymore! This is my life; this is who I am..." 'Was it ever really a job?' She wondered to herself. Just as she was about to make another argument about whether or not another person was going to be brought in to do her job, or 'relieve some of the burden', as they had phrased it, Aurian felt a very familiar sensation – one she had missed incredibly and was all too relieved to feel so near again. "Sides!"

She didn't bother to think about how much time she had invested on trying to keep her bond with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker a little more concealed from Myrtle; Sideswipe was getting close and he was excited.

"Aurian?"

"I gotta go!" She slammed open the door to Myrtle's office, paying no attention to the discomfort from her leg as she bolted through the halls. It was a race to the tarmac, and Aurian was only interested in being there when the plane touched down. She found herself met with a sliding Ferrari that opened a door to offer her swifter transport, and she didn't think twice of that either.

Myrtle had followed Aurian. She was interested to see what had taken the woman from such a dark, frustrated mood to a glowing ball of energetic glee. When she saw the golden Ferrari sweep by, practically scooping up the woman, Myrtle found herself frozen with astonishment. She knew that was one of the Cybertronians, and if she thought about it she was pretty sure it was one of the older twins. What did that mean? It was as if Aurian had known he would be there, or that he had known Aurian would be there...

The sound of one of the large carrier planes drew Myrtle's eyes skyward, and then to the rising level of activity all around her.

"What's going on?" She asked one of the soldiers that were hurrying by.

"The interception team is coming back in." The soldier didn't look incredibly thrilled. "It didn't go as well as some people would have liked."

"What does that mean?" Myrtle was left to the bustle of people with things to do, and no one to answer her questions.

* * *

Aurian could barely contain herself as they drew closer to the landing strip. The planes were coming down even as they were pulling up. It felt like she was waiting for a long lost friend, and the amusement she felt from Sunstreaker didn't help her any. "I'm just happy he's back, okay?"

"I didn't say a thing," Sunstreaker teased as he let the woman climb from his interior. In truth, he was happy that his brother was coming back too, but their separation had not felt all that long to him. They had spent vorns apart before; this had been nothing more than a blink of the optic in comparison. Yet for Aurian, it seemed as though she felt that an eternity had passed. The feelings she couldn't contain flooded their bond reminded him of the first time he had allowed the human's emotions to creep across to him. She was so young in comparison, so naive and inexperienced, but she could feel things so intensely that Sunstreaker had been baffled at first, and then he had began to understand that it was those intense emotions that allowed humans to be so amazing. The fact that this human had such positively intense feelings toward him and his brother made him feel a little humbled. Just a little. Not that he would ever tell anyone.

Sunstreaker greeted his twin passively through their bond, welcoming him back and congratulating him on getting his vengeance, but maintained some distance. The mission had not gone completely to plan and out of respect for those that had lost their lives – even if they were just humans, they still deserved that much – he chose to keep himself subdued.

Aurian on the other hand, while she didn't make a huge scene, couldn't keep herself away from the mech she had been separated from. "I'm glad you're back," she whispered softly as she traced her hand over his hood. "I really missed you."

"I missed you too." Sideswipe scanned the human, his anger rising slightly as he saw her limp. "You should be taking it easy."

"If I hear that one more time I'm going to beat someone with a baseball bat," she grumbled, though she felt no hostility toward Sideswipe at all. "I'm fine, I promise." She leaned against the Corvette, reveling a little in the strange warmth of the metal against her skin. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For...I'll be able to sleep better...without Sideways out there."

Sideswipe laughed darkly. "I would gladly do it again, and trust me, if I ever get my hands on the rest of those Pit-spawned, half-bit, glitched pieces of slag, I will."

Aurian almost hated herself for the sheer happiness that rippled through her at the mere thought of feeling that satisfaction at the end of a foe's life. "Is that how it always feels for you?"

"Not always, no."

"Good..." She didn't want to think that something so violent could feel so good every time. If it did, she could easily see why Decepticons would have taken such joy in ending lives. "It's a little terrifying."

::Sideswipe,:: Optimus's voice called, ::we are not done yet.::

::On my way.:: The others were pulling off to the hanger where they would be debriefed. "I have to go."

"Okay. Just, one more thing. Did you ask Optimus?"

"Yeah...he wants to talk to you." Sideswipe sent her a silent promise to find her as soon as he was done with what he had to do.

Aurian watched him go, but her line of sight was drawn to where the soldiers were unloading flag wrapped boxes – coffins. 'More people dead...' she felt a pang of guilt, of grief for the lives lost. She saw Will, and thought of going to ask how many officially had been killed, but the thrum of helicopters demanded her attention instead. "Who the Hell got them to bring a helicopter out here?"

When she saw the passenger, Aurian wanted to scream. "Really? Of all the people in this entire world, why is _he_ here?" She asked of no one, but she intended to get answers. Hurrying to catch up to Will as he begrudgingly followed Representative Galloway toward the debriefing hanger, Aurian picked up the clear sense of pent up anger. "What's going on?"

Will, unconcerned with protocol at that moment, shoved the papers he held into Aurian's hand. "This isn't going to last. We will figure something out." He gave her a meaningful look before leaving her behind. She was not to follow.

Looking over the papers in her hand, Aurian felt all at once blindingly enraged, and as if all the world had abandoned her to the darkness of hopelessness. "_He's_ my _replacement_?"

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; he's my replacement_

_ I cannot _believe_ this! They bumped me for Galloway? B.S!_

_ Okay, okay...no they didn't really remove me from my position; they couldn't. I was appointed by Optimus Prime, not by the human government. However; they could suspend my duties for the time being and they had placed Galloway as my substitute. Optimus wouldn't be happy about it, but they had things wrapped up in so much red tape it was looking like Christmas. We could get things straightened out again, but it was going to take time, and until then..._

_ HE'S MY FRAGGIN' REPLACEMENT!_

_ If fate had a face, I'd punch it._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_You may have noticed that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is starting to make it's appearance. You may also know what that means...we are headed into the final stretch of this fic. It's been a wonderful time writing it, and I will miss it when it is done, but I do want to note that this is the longest fiction I have ever written and completed (at this point in my life). I'm debating about running a few more contests before the end of this fic, with the same prize type as last time: your pic! I really enjoyed the project of the last contest and I'm pretty interested in doing some more like that. So, I do know I will at the very least I will run one: the 2000th review. Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review. I would appreciate if it was more than just a few words, but I'm not going to hold you to that. Mostly, I do want some feedback on this fic. Having it run so long, I would like to know what I've done right, wrong, or could have done better. Tell me what you think! ^_~ And again, thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, and other. ^_^ You are all wonderful._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	86. Journal Entry 86

_Journal entry; then it all came crashing down_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Optimus, I'm worried." Aurian looked up at the large Autobot leader and could see that he, too, had concerns.

"About Galloway?"

"Well, him too, but no. I'm worried about the Allspark." She ran one hand through her hair as she tried again to summon up the false-woman that she had tried so hard to make go away. There was still an emptiness inside her, and she hated it. Even more than that, she hated the feeling of abandonment that she had. 'Try to get someone to leave you alone long enough; you actually start to miss them if they do leave. Guess I know how Barricade feels now.' It was a disturbing realization, but a somewhat comforting one nonetheless. "That...impression...is gone."

"What do you mean 'gone'?" Optimus couldn't help the unsettled feeling that shuffled about his frame. It was a feeling he knew well, and recognized as a telltale to change. Things were going to change, it was just a question of 'how', and he feared Aurian might know the answer.

"Like, _gone_ gone. I can't feel it anymore, it won't talk to me anymore...I wanted it to go away so badly before but now..." she shrugged and shook her head with a half-confused look on her face. "I guess it just picked a really bad time to up and leave me." She sighed and looked away from the troubled mech before her. "I guess what I really wanted to ask you was something I just...heard, since I can't ask it."

"I will see what I may do to answer your questions."

"Who is 'The Fallen'?"

Optimus stared at the human as though she were something not of any world he had ever touched. Aurian had known so many things to throw him from his sensible thinking that he had become rather quick at recovering from the momentary shocks, but not this time. "Did Sideswipe tell you that name?"

"No. It was no one around here that told me. I...well; I guess you could say I remembered an obscure mention from my fandom. It was a mech thought to be something from Unicron himself, or something like that. I really can't remember, only that he didn't seem like a very good thing to have around." She shrugged again helplessly. "Will he really 'rise again'? I mean, Sides did say that part, but I'd heard it before he said anything so it's not his fault."

Maybe she had heard it through the bond with Sideswipe when it had been broadcast to all of the Autobots in Shanghai, though Optimus couldn't entirely believe that. If that was true, then Aurian could listen in on any communications the front-liner twins received, and the severe lack of angered rants from her was evidence enough that was not the case. "Aurian, it is very important that you tell me everything you know about this."

"Nothing," she replied immediately. "That's why I'm asking you, I only got a name, and the warning that 'The Fallen shall rise again'. I keep getting this really creepy sense of déjà vu about it too. I never actually read that storyline. It was one of the series I always meant to get around to, but never did, so I don't know why I feel like this."

With a heavy sigh, Optimus leaned as far back in his seat as he could. "I wish I could reveal more to you than what I can..."

"Because you don't know or because you're not supposed to?"

The woman was smart, that much was easy to see, but sometimes Optimus wondered just where her intelligence lay. "There are some things that are never meant to be spoken of aloud, Aurian. Some veils too thick to peer through, some secrets too deep to unearth."

"Optimus...I...I don't need to know whatever it is you don't want to tell me. All I guess I want to really know is: what does it mean?"

"What do you think it means?" It was a stretch, but Optimus had seen the human capability to find answers through a strange, twisting logic, and sometimes those answers were far truer than the truth itself.

Aurian sighed with her mounting annoyance. She hadn't expected any answers, really, and she was pretty sure she understood what Optimus was doing, but that didn't make it any less frustrating. "I guess it means that there's something coming that's going to change the world as we know it. But I don't get how...or what might need to be done to stop it." She tapped the toes of one foot on the top of the desk. The sound it made was deep and reassuring to her. Not that she knew why, but that sound just settled her fluttering stomach. "What if they go after the Allspark shard?"

"It is possible. I do not know what they would do, should they recover the shard."

"They'll bring back Megatron." Aurian stated with cold assurance, locking her gaze with Optimus's. "They will bring him back, and he will..." she bowed her head again. All this time trying to figure out how to prevent the outcome she had seen in the 'Parking-lot' still hadn't prepared her for telling Optimus the truth of her vision. "Horrible things will happen." She felt hot tears streaking down her face. Quickly wiping them away, she looked back to Optimus's kind, worried face. "I don't want that to happen. More than anything I can think of, I don't want it to happen."

"We will do what we are able to prevent it," he promised.

Aurian's heart sank into her stomach, and then her stomach plummeted to the deepest depths of her guts it could find. "I know you will," she said aloud, 'but you won't be able to,' she finished to herself. Why she was suddenly so very positive that their efforts to stop the Decepticons from gaining the Allspark shard would fail, she wasn't sure, but she knew they would and there would be consequences to face for it. "I have to go."

Optimus felt a pang of guilt in his spark for Aurian's crestfallen look. His assurances had always been enough for her before, what had changed that? What has shaken her belief in him enough that she would think that his promise to do their best wasn't enough? Or, perhaps it wasn't that she didn't believe his word so much as it was that she knew differently. He placed the still-limping woman on the floor and watched as she hurried as fast as she could from his office. That feeling in his frame grew to something more than just unsettling and suddenly he couldn't just sit anymore.

Earlier that morning, he had made a decision to attempt and undermine the human representative Galloway from his current path that would lead them to nothing but conflict and destruction. According to their agreement with the human governments, they, as authorized aliens residing on the planet Earth, had a right to appoint their own representative. If they had deemed Aurian incapable for the time being, he would reach out to one other he knew would speak well on their behalf.

::Bumblebee, I will be en route shortly. Please ensure Sam gets to the rendezvous point at the designated time.::

::Understood.:: The scout's reply was a little more subdued than it usually was, but Optimus was sure that it was because the youngling knew Sam was not going to be pleased with what was about to be asked of him.

::We do not have much choice.::

::...Understood.::

* * *

Aurian ignored the stinging sensation in her leg. She had to get to her room, she had to do something. 'I don't want to...' her inner voice cried pathetically. 'I have to,' she argued back stubbornly. Of all the things she had thought of, of all the possibilities, there was only one thing she could think to do. She _had_ to stop whatever the Decepticons were going to do, and that meant getting someone whose better interests would be served should Megatron remain at the bottom of the ocean. Someone who could lead the Decepticons away from that endeavor. There was only one mech she could think of that fit that profile, and as much as it terrified her, she realized there really was no other option available. 'He'll listen...Starscream will stop them.'

Reaching her room she locked herself within, taking a moment to locate her laptop, which had resumed her original laptop form, and sat inconspicuously on the small desk Aurian had been provided.

"Ruby?" Aurian ran her hand over the small machine calling the femme hidden within. "Ruby, I need a favor." Opening the laptop, Aurian was pleased to see a query on the screen.

{Please input request.}

"I...I need to contact Starscream. Without anyone else finding out."

{Affirmative: Encrypted call,} displayed on the screen.

Aurian was both pleased and terrified. She wasn't even sure what she was about to do, only that she had to convince Starscream to stop Megatron's resurrection...without telling him how it might be done. 'Easy! I just tell him I'm crazy and he should listen to me.' Aurian huffed at her own inability to come up with anything.

She was so wound up that when a small dialog box popped up, she nearly screamed.

{State your designation and reason for daring to disturb me.}

Aurian's hands hovered over the keys, no matter what she said she was sure this wasn't going to go well. {This is Aurian; I've got a proposition for you.}

{Is this a joke?} The message popped up and was instantly followed by {You really are contacting me again, human, aren't you? Foolish fleshling.}

"Ha-ha, laugh it up," she snarled angrily as she began typing. {Circumstances have required I reach out to someone of the secondary faction represented on this planet.}

{Your pathetic attempts to create some kind of mutual agreement between our races are beneath me. Pester someone else, human.}

{This is not about my peace arrangements. It is about another being coming to the planet that will remove you as leader of the Decepticons, and possibly bring Megatron back into service. I think you can see why this is important?}

There was a bit of time before any response appeared. Aurian smiled to herself, imagining the look on Starscream's face that very moment, and took a small measure of pride in causing the self-assured Decepticon some hesitation. {Are you open to discussion to prevent this?}

{It is not possible, and even if it were, how do you think a substandard parasite like yourself could do anything about it?}

{I'm not sure how to stop 'The Fallen',} she admitted, {but, I do know how to stop them from resurrecting Megatron.}

{Very well, I'm listening.}

Aurian spent several hours arguing back and forth with Starscream, and she found herself somewhat set back by the realization of Starscream's true character. He wasn't as easily manipulated as she had thought him to be, and as such, she had trouble trying to keep the upper hand. Her only benefit was that Ruby was paying attention, and aided her as much as she could with the data stored in her.

Their agreement had ended with Aurian feeling rather lost.

{I will contact you when I am prepared.} She stared at the line of text for several minutes before hitting 'enter'. She choked on her own breath as she realized that, not only had she just made a deal with Starscream, but she planned on following through with it.

{Don't take too long, human. I get the feeling time is of the essence.}

{Agreed.} Aurian pushed the laptop away from her and laid her head on the desk. "What am I doing?" She asked herself.

The soft nudge against her head drew her eyes up to see that Ruby had come to sit as close to her as she could get, and was rubbing her featureless face against her. Even in the featurelessness, Aurian could read a solemn support for her decisions.

She reached up to the small ear-like protrusions and rubbed the cat-'bot gently. "It'll be for the best, I'm sure."

Ruby trilled, though there seemed to be a flat note to the tone, a slight downcast eminence to the usually cheerful sound.

Then a knocking at her door ceased any and all interaction with the small feline as she shifted back to her laptop form. Aurian stood to answer, but apparently, she wasn't moving fast enough because there was another knock.

"Aurian?" Will's voice demanded. "Are you in there?"

"Yeah," she reached the door and unlocked it just as Will was turning the knob to enter. "What's wrong?"

The dark, sorrowful look on Will's face almost killed Aurian right then and there. "The Allspark bunker was attacked."

Aurian stared blankly. Will had not just told her that the Allspark bunker had been attacked. He had to of said something else. "What?"

"I'm sorry, it was so sudden. They never had a chance to set any defenses."

"What?" Aurian asked again dumbly.

"Aurian...everyone that had been inside at the time...they were all killed. It was fast, no one suffered...the thing was more interested in escape."

What did all of this have to do with anything? There was no way anything could have attacked the Allspark bunker, no one knew where it was except for a few select team members and Optimus. Not even the other Autobots knew its location. "What are you talking about, Will?"

Will's expression turned from sorrow to concern. "Aurian, are you hearing what I'm telling you?"

"I can hear you just fine, but what are you talking about?"

"The Allspark bunker."

Aurian shook her head. "No one knows where that is."

"Aurian." Will grabbed the woman's shoulders and held her so she had to look him in the eyes. He looked into hers, seeking recognition of what he was telling her. "Listen to me. The Allspark bunker was attacked."

Aurian trembled a little as she started to realize that the major standing before her, the man she knew as Will, the man that had done everything in his power to help protect her was _actually_ telling her that the Allspark bunker had been attacked. She wasn't hearing things, he wasn't stuttering, he wasn't confusing it with something else.

"Everyone in the bunker was killed."

There were so many people on the Allspark team, but Aurian hadn't known half of them. When they were working on the project, they were all there...every last one of them was there. "Oh...gods," her voice broke as it finally sank in. "Roger?"

Will hated his job sometimes. This was one of those times.

'Aurian?' Sideswipe reached out to the woman, feeling the suddenness of her grief and not fully understanding it. 'What's wrong?'

'What happened?' Sunstreaker added not much after his brother. Despite not having cared for the bond he had involuntarily developed with the human, he had learned to trust that when there was something wrong, he needed to pay it close attention.

"He's dead?"

Will nodded, relieved that she finally understood what he was saying, but not releasing her for fear of what might happen next. He was glad for that as the woman fell limp in his arms. "I'm so sorry, Aurian."

"How? What happened?" She wasn't crying yet, she was far too shocked for that.

"New 'Con's showed up. We haven't gotten any clear images yet, but somehow one of them breached the perimeter and another got inside the bunker itself without alerting anyone until it went after the shard." He helped the weakened woman to her bed and eased her into a half sitting, half-laying position. "Soldiers arrived too late to do anything. Many of them were killed too."

The second realization hit her then. "They got the shard?"

"'Fraid so." Will wasn't entirely sure what to do for Aurian. On one hand she had just been told one of her dearest friends had just been killed, so he thought maybe she needed some alone time to cope; however, her physical state and her sluggish response worried him.

'Primus, femme! Would you answer us!' Sunstreaker felt the mounting pain and grief as well as Sideswipe could and it both angered and terrified him.

"Roger..." It all came crashing down on her then. "He was supposed to be safe there!" She screamed to no one and to everyone. "He was supposed to be safe!"

Will sat beside her, offering her a shoulder to cry on, of which Aurian gladly accepted. Though, Will would have to remind her later that he was made of flesh, not metal, and her fists hurt.

* * *

Jazz and Ironhide found their hands full of writhing, growling, angry front-liners and weren't completely sure why. The two had hit such a level of incomprehensible snarling that neither of them could get a strait answer, and their only hope for the base remaining in one piece was to keep the twins safely within the hanger. Their only saving grace was that neither twin seemed to think whatever was affecting them was weapon worthy.

"What th' Pit is goin' on with ya mechs?" Jazz demanded as he shoved Sideswipe away again. Even their best sparing matches hadn't been this intense.

"It has to be Aurian." Ironhide struggled to hold Sunstreaker pinned as he tried to offer Jazz a hand with the persistent silver mech. He was putting pieces together a little at a time. He'd heard the announcement about the Decepticon attack just a short time ago, but he hadn't put together the fact that Roger – Aurian's closest human 'friend' – had been in charge of the bunker until a moment ago.

"What?" Jazz pushed Sideswipe back again, this time entangling the younger mech's arms behind him so that the much smaller saboteur had him effectively pinned.

Ironhide just gave Jazz a look, _that_ look; the one that said bad news had been delivered.

"Primus..." he vented heavily. Jazz followed Ironhide's same train of thought and ended at the same place. Aurian was grieving and the twins were feeling it. They didn't know how to deal with it, and Jazz had to admit that he wouldn't know how to deal with it either. After several conversations with the twins he had come to the conclusion that human emotions were far too out of control and illogical. There was little chance any of them would have to withstand a normal human emotional onslaught, let alone the torrent that was surely affecting them now. "Its gonna be uh long night."

Ironhide grunted as a well-placed strike almost made him lose his grip on the golden twin. "Not if I can get Ratchet to do something about it..."

"Good thinkin'!" Jazz did his best to keep Sideswipe from crushing him against the floor as the larger mech fell back on him in an attempt to force him to let go. "Tell him ta rush...could ya?"

::Ratchet!::

::Already on my way.::

The CMO had been alerted to Aurian's distress only moments before. His first reaction had been to go to her, to treat her for her grief, but it wasn't long before he realized there were far more dangerous things to deal with first. Sunstreaker alone would be bridging the edge of his battle mode most likely, and the golden twin was far more distant from Aurian than Sideswipe had been. He could only imagine what kind of havoc the twins would cause in the immediate grief waves.

Ratchet knew grief to be a dangerous thing. If a 'bot suffered grief too deeply, they could simply shut down and fade away. It worried him that the humans seemed so easy about it – saying that it would be painful, that they felt so bad for the person that had to suffer it, but taking few, if any measures to prevent, or aid them with it. More often than not, they claimed the griever needed 'space' to work through their emotions.

He had thought, after seeing many humans perish in their battles, that perhaps they didn't feel grief as strongly as Cybertronians did. Maybe for them it was easier to deal with due to the fact their species was a short-lived and fragile race, making them naturally more immune to its effects. However, hearing Jazz and Ironhide's pleas for assistance with the twins deleted that notion from him completely. Obviously, Aurian could feel grief just as strongly as any one of them could. Was that normal? Or was she affected by her unnatural bond with the twins? Not for the first time he cursed whatever powers that created the extraordinary connection, it seemed to make things more complicated than it had been a benefit. 'Aside from saving her life a time or two...' he reminded himself.

He sent a quick call back to the human medical wing asking one of their doctors to please go and see to Aurian. Their response was that they would send someone, but that most likely she was fine and just had to let her grief run its course.

Ratchet was sure that one look at the woman would change their minds...but it hadn't. As he helped Jazz and Ironhide settle the two warrior mechs into their berths to recover under the mild sedative, the humans had reported back to him that Aurian was showing signs of grief without doubt, but nothing abnormal. They assured him that she would recover in time.

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; peace be with you, my friend_

_ It was confirmed early the next day that Roger had been one of the casualties of the Allspark bunker attack. I hate that word. 'Casualties'. As if death were no big thing. I know...war...it's one of the things that happens in war. I don't care; they could find a better word for it. It's not like everyone goes in expecting that they may die...well, I guess maybe they do. But to just put it off as 'Oh, hey, guess what? They died.' It's just so painfully cold!_

_ Anyway. Roger Compton was dead. My friend. My comrade. My partner in crime. My maybe fiancée that I had turned away for his own sake. It wasn't supposed to be this way! It should have been me, and that's not just me saying it because it makes me feel better. Logically, it should have been me. I had more attempts on my life than I cared to count now, and he had to be the one who died? How fair is that? It's as fair as the word 'casualties'._

_ I hated myself a lot for it. For not just telling him 'yes'. For not taking him up on his offer to just run away. We could have run away and he'd still be alive. Even if I knew better than that, if we had run off we would have been hunted...but maybe he would have lived. Or at least lived longer. What was I worth compared to that? I mean, for everything I went through to try and prevent the Allspark shard from being taken – I succeeded at nothing! Nothing at all! They still got it and with no trouble at all. I hadn't told Starscream where it was..._

_ I hadn't told him..._

_ How did they find out?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_**_

* * *

T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review. I would appreciate if it was more than just a few words, but I'm not going to hold you to that. Mostly, I do want some feedback on this fic. Having it run so long, I would like to know what I've done right, wrong, or could have done better. Tell me what you think! ^_~ And again, thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, and other. ^_^ You are all wonderful._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	87. Journal Entry 87

_Journal entry; mourning period_

_ I went to Sides. I asked him to take me away somewhere and that was it. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't need all the 'I'm so sorry's', and the sympathetic gestures. None of it would change anything. Hell, I had known something was going to happen and still hadn't been able to change it. Damn if that stupid impression/not-mother hadn't been right! Time had run out..._

_ If I could get her to come back, I swear I would listen to every word she said. After I punched her in the face for not telling me _this_ was what time was running out on._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"She's dying, I can feel it!" Sunstreaker glared at the CMO, daring him to tell him otherwise. "That human was her sparkmate, wasn't he?"

"No, Sunstreaker, humans don't have sparkmates the same way we do." Ratchet wasn't sure how to deal with this situation. The human medics had assured him that the woman wouldn't die because of Roger's death...so long as she took care of herself. What was that supposed to mean? "It is unlikely that she will perish."

"Unlikely?" Sunstreaker scoffed. "You don't _feel_ this," he pointed to his chest angrily. "You have to do something!" As if for emphasis on the urgency of it all, Sunstreaker's entire frame shuttered with another wave of grief and pain.

Ratchet moved to support the suddenly weakened mech. "Where is she?" To the Pit with human theory, obviously there was something wrong.

"With Sides," he growled through the overwhelming sensation. "Outside, on the beach."

Guiding Sunstreaker to a nearby berth, Ratchet began working out a solution to this catastrophe. "I want you to stay here, try to stay calm and relax."

"No!" The young mech snarled, pushing away from ratchet. "I won't just sit around..."

"That is the best thing you can do for her. Do as I say." It was clear to the medic that Sunstreaker's temperament was shifting into his more volatile battle mode. The humans called it berserker, but the term didn't quite fit. Sunstreaker's battle mode was more of a defense than aggression that caused him to activate the battle programming – a side effect of his youth. Either way, it didn't matter. Ratchet couldn't allow the mech to resort to violence. "Sorry, Sunny, but I don't have time to argue with you." Before the younger mech could comprehend what Ratchet intended, the sedative was already coursing through his systems, slowing his processes.

Unfortunately for Ratchet, slow processes did not mean slow actions; especially in a front-liner battle mech like Sunstreaker.

When Ratchet pulled himself from the floor, he wasn't entirely sure how much time had passed, but judging by his aching frame, he knew he was lucky to be online at all. "Slaggin', bit-processed, half-glitched..." his tirade faded at the sight of the young mech sprawled on the floor not too far away. Venting his aggravation, Ratchet recovered the limp frame and placed him on a berth. He wasn't mad at Sunstreaker, the younger mech's programming just functioned that way; everyone knew it, especially Ratchet. He had failed to process his actions fully through and the consequences were clear. Now, however much time he thought he would have saved by sedating the younger mech had been wasted by his miscalculation.

::Sideswipe, where are you?:: He headed out of the medical wing in the direction of the more commonly used beach, hoping the other twin was at least somewhat in control of himself.

The lack of response was far from encouraging.

::Has anyone seen Sideswipe?:: He asked over the general line.

::Not recently, what's going on?:: Ironhide asked. Ratchet could see the weapons specialist come around one of the buildings to see what trouble may be brewing.

::Apparently, Aurian is not handling Roger's deactivation very well.::

Ironhide was now by his side. Glancing at the medic's condition, he could only guess how the news had been delivered. ::Sunny?::

::Sedated.::

::Right.:: Worry and amusement warred for priority on the large mech's face. Obviously, Ratchet had acted first, processed second.

::Ah've got uh visual.:: Ratchet noted that Jazz's transmission was on a private line. ::He has Aurian with 'im. They both appear ta be functional. Wha'cha want meh ta do, Ratch?::

::Just keep an optic on them. Where are you?::

The saboteur sent his coordinates and fell silent, not closing the link just in case there were any sudden changes.

::Got him?:: Ironhide questioned as Ratchet altered his direction, heading toward the lesser used area of the island.

::Jazz has located them.::

The two mechs traveled as swiftly as they were able through the base, watching for humans as they went.

When they reached the location Jazz had transmitted, they were greeted by the smaller mech warning them to keep quiet. He led them on through a small grouping of trees and thick underbrush to a rather secluded place within.

::They've been here fer uh while.:: Both mechs knew to take Jazz's tone as warning not to disturb the pair. Ratchet could only assume things had not been as calm as they currently were. ::Sunny came fer ya?::

::Yes,:: The medic resisted the urge to rub at sore spots left by the other twin. ::He was rather distraught.::

::Ah can imagine.:: A haunted look crossed the smaller mech's face as he indicated where the two could be seen.

Just beyond their shield of vegetation was a small beach that was obviously unused by the amount of natural debris gathered there. On the opposite side of the beach, near the water, Sideswipe sat with Aurian leaning against his leg. She stared out over the water, though any who could see her face knew she wasn't seeing the ocean.

By the wary looks Sideswipe kept giving her, Ratchet gathered that Aurian's current state was not guaranteed to remain. He was now trapped in indecision; he could scan the woman to determine her physical health, but she could sense his scans and would then be alerted to their presence. If she was currently calm, shouldn't he allow her to remain undisturbed?

A simple transmission cleared his processes. ::Do what you've come to do and get out of here.:: Sideswipe didn't look for them, he didn't need to know where they were, he just wanted them gone.

::Is Aurian all right?:: Ratchet hesitated to scan the woman still. Perhaps Sideswipe knew more than his brother had.

::Does she _look_ all right?:: The younger mech snapped irritably. ::She says her heart is broken...can you fix that?:: His voice carried a hint of panic to it, a plea for Ratchet to say 'yes' while there was the distinct thought of 'no'.

::The humans say she will be okay, eventually.::

::They're idiots.::

Scanning the woman, Ratchet found himself very displeased. ::She's showing signs of shock, Sideswipe. Get her back to base.::

The front-liner stiffened with alarm, but made no actions to move the woman. ::Is that dangerous?::

::It can be. She needs to be monitored.:: Ratchet fought his programming demanding that he go tend to the woman immediately.

::Then I'll watch her.::

::Sideswipe...::

"Shut up!" Aurian shouted, cutting off Ratchet's argument. She bent over, hands on her head. "I can't take it anymore! What do they want?" She glared at Sideswipe, demanding an answer.

Deciding that hiding was not going to accomplish anything, Ratchet pushed through the remaining vegetation. "We are just concerned about you."

Aurian stood, brushing sand from her clothes as she turned to face Ratchet, Ironhide coming to stand beside him. "I'm fine. Just leave me alone." She started walking away from the mechs, Sideswipe included.

"Aurian, wait," Sideswipe pleaded.

"No! I don't need this."

Ratchet could clearly see the ache on Sideswipe's face and could guess where that was coming from. He scanned the woman quickly, his programming overriding any reservations he may have had. "You don't appear 'fine'." He stated.

"Of course not." She spun back around, her gaze challenging Ratchet to do anything about it. "Roger is _dead._ He's gone forever and it's all because he got involved with me." Her gaze shifted back out over the ocean. "I could have stopped him from going..." she started walking away again, all the mechs stood frozen. How were they supposed to respond to that?

It took everyone by surprise when Jazz broke cover some distance down the beach in front of Aurian. "Hey, lil'lady." He spoke softly, though not sympathetically.

"What do you want, Jazz?" She snapped.

"Not much." He shrugged nonchalantly.

"Are you going to lecture me about my 'feelings' too? Cause I don't need it!"

"Ah figure you know yer own feelin's just fine."

Aurian stared at the aloof mech, her mind rushing through a thousand things all at once, trying to figure what he meant by that. Unfortunately, her grief-stricken mind couldn't take it. "I should have told him to stay," she whimpered pathetically, "I should have told him...why?"

Jazz knelt down closer to the woman, focusing on her for the first time since revealing himself.

"Why him?" She continued.

"Why anyone?" Jazz reasoned.

The answer was not what Aurian had expected, not that she knew what she was expecting. Looking at Jazz, a mech that had been a casualty of war, she realized her own grief paled in comparison to everything these mechs had been through. She was just one person, one insignificant human in the grand scheme of it all...and Roger had been too. "I'm sorry, Jazz."

This took Jazz by surprise. "Sorry fer what?"

"I'm acting like a child," she admitted. "I'm not the only one dealing with death and I'm acting like it's the end of the world." She turned back to the others; her gaze seemed almost blank as she looked over them, pausing for a long moment on Ironhide. "I'm sorry." Without another word, she turned toward the base and walked away, leaving everyone to wonder. Everyone but Sideswipe.

'Aurian?' He could still feel the pain inside her.

"I'm fine, Sideswipe. I just need to be alone for a while." She couldn't help the grief she felt, or the feeling of unfairness, but she also knew that she couldn't act like she had been.

* * *

Sunstreaker groaned loudly as his sensors came back online. "Pit-spawned medic..." he groused.

"I think he'd say the same about you."

Sunstreaker rolled his head to the side, taking in his brother's slouched posture in a chair not far away. "What's goin' on?"

Sideswipe shrugged. "They say she's gonna be fine." It was obvious that he didn't believe it. "She's locked herself in her room. Won't talk to anyone. Will and Rob said they'd try and talk her out...I don't think they're going to have much luck."

Another sickening wave passed over them, drawing them both back into a brooding silence. Sunstreaker noted with mild relief that the pain wasn't quite as strong as it had been. "Dampened?" He asked softly as the effects faded once more. His brother nodded. "Where's the Hatchet?"

"Waiting for them to get her where he can look her over."

'Femme, what are you doing?' He sought her now familiar presence and found, surprisingly much to his disappointment, that while she was not denying his bond, she was essentially blocking out his 'voice'.

Sideswipe looked at him hopefully, waiting for an answer. He was disappointed to find that his twin would have no better luck with the woman.

Rolling into a sitting position, Sunstreaker considered his bonds. Sideswipe was anxious, worried, and feeling guilty. Aurian was trying to keep the worst of her emotions from them. This was a problem and he was pretty sure the only one who could solve it was him. "All right," he announced, "We'll play it her way." He hopped from his seat and headed toward the door, indicating that Sideswipe should follow.

"What are you thinking?" Sideswipe had his suspicions of his twin's plans, and to be honest, he was looking forward to enacting them.

Smiling at his brother, Sunstreaker continued on his current path. If the human thought she was going to hide away to suffer alone, she was wrong.

::Hey, Ratch?::

::I'm busy Jazz, what do you need?::

::Uh, well...it's not so much what Ah need...::

Ratchet vented heavily. He was not in the mood for indirect answers. ::Get to the point.::

::How 'bout a hint instead,:: the level of amusement in the saboteur's voice was alarming. ::Sunny's up.::

For a split, blissful moment, Ratchet didn't process what it meant that the previously sedated mech was 'up'. Then it hit him. "Slag." ::Where are they?::

He found part of his answer soon enough as he saw a golden blur pass him by with near mach speed concussion. ::Sunstreaker! Slow down! What the Pit are you up to?::

::Nothing.:: The severe lack of sincerity in the young mech's voice was all Ratchet needed to know that 'nothing' meant 'something he wouldn't like'.

::Sideswipe, what is your brother doing?:: Ratchet watched with some concern as Sunstreaker vanished beyond his optical view.

::Not sure. Said he needed to work out some frustrations.:: The distracted tone of the other twin's voice did nothing to ease Ratchet's mounting concerns.

::What are _you_ up to?::

::Currently? About forty-seven feet.::

Ratchet could feel his internal gears grind with tension, the twins were back at their antics, and with some of the worst timing ever. He'd known it would only be a matter of time and he had seen the beginnings of it earlier, but it was now clear they intended to resume their less-than-desirable actions. ::You will both find your afts locked in the brig until this system's sun goes completely nova if anyone, _anyone_, gets hurt by whatever the two of you are plotting.:: He sent the message to both of the front-liner mechs, knowing full well his threats would not stop them. He would have to take further action. ::Jazz, what have they done?::

::Well, it would appear Sunny wasn't happy with the mess hall's color scheme. Can't say th' humans are all that disagreeable with his alternative, though Ah might chance ta say work 'round here's gonna suffer.:: It was clear Jazz was amused by this new 'paint scheme' as well, or perhaps it was the human's reaction he found so amusing. ::Ah have no clue what Sides is doin', but th' air traffic controllers _don't_ look happy about it.::

::He's climbing the control tower.:: There was no question in Ratchet's voice, nor in his processor. Things were about to get very interesting to say the least. ::Get him down.::

Laughter rolled through their link. ::Ah would, if Ah could Ratch.::

More dread flooded Ratchet. ::And why can't you?::

::Fer th' same reason 'Hide's gonna have uh total systems meltdown.::

Ratchet bit back his anger. He knew very well that this was the way Jazz dealt with things and if he wanted answers, he had to keep his temper in check. ::And that is?:: Truthfully, he really didn't want to know.

::It's gonna be uh few hours 'fore our ship can come in.::

::Ship?:: Ratchet couldn't believe what he was hearing. ::Why are you on a ship and why can't it come in?::

::Humans asked us ta help out with settin' up some gear an' th' engineers got early launch orders.:: Jazz sounded endlessly amused. ::Takes time ta turn 'round.::

Ratchet considered his current position. Ironhide and Jazz were temporarily indisposed, Bumblebee and Optimus were preparing to go speak with Sam, and the younger twins would be no help in their current situation. That left Jolt, the femme and her drones, and himself. ::Jolt, tell me you can talk some sense into Sideswipe.::

::Sense? No one can _talk_ sense into that hard head.::

::Would you rather chase down Sunstreaker?::

::Where would I find Sideswipe?::

::Air traffic tower.::

::Moping?::  
::Climbing.::

There was silence for a while. ::Climbing?::

::You heard me. Go get him.:: Ratchet was already rushing in the direction Sunstreaker had vanished. He was going to have to get creative, there was no way he could match the younger mechs speed. ::Arcee, what is your current status?::

::We're on patrol. What do you need, Ratchet?::

::The twins are up to something.::

::Skids and Mud? What are they doing?::

Ratchet felt a moment of guilt for not being more specific. Of course she would assume it was the younger twins; she really worried about them too much, but after everything that they had been through together, he couldn't blame her. ::No, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker.::

::I see.:: Her tone dropped a few degrees. ::How can I help?::

::I've got Jolt trying to stop Sideswipe. I need help catching Sunstreaker.::

::We're on it.::

* * *

Sunstreaker watched Ratchet disappear. He almost couldn't believe how smoothly everything was going; he had plans that had taken orns to create that hadn't gone so smoothly. Creeping back around the human building, he began contemplating how best to execute the next step in his plan.

Most of the humans were distracted by the image he had created on the mess hall building; however, Major Lennox and Chief Epps were both currently inside trying to coax Aurian out.

'Casualties of war...' he decided as he pulled an energon blade from a compartment on his side.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; hide and seek the alien way_

_ So I learned something very important about Sunstreaker; previously, when I had wanted to try and avoid the twins by hiding in buildings that were too small for them to gain entry to, it had worked. It turns out it only worked because Sideswipe was far too respectful of the humans' desire to keep their living spaces in one piece and because Sunstreaker had been more than happy at the time to let me pretend I didn't exist..._

_ When Sunstreaker wants your attention, he gets it._

_ ~Aurian Fae

* * *

_

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review.  
_**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	88. Journal Entry 88

_Journal entry; the bold truth_

WHAT THE CRAP DID THEY DO?

~Aurian Fae

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Will and Rob stood dumbfounded as an entire section of the building remained completely absent. _Completely_. Like someone had simply sliced it out like a giant cake.

"Did you see that?" Rob asked doubtfully. He was sure that he had to be going crazy, but the amount of weird things he had seen left him feeling like this was just another event in the standards of the current norm.

Will, for his part, was working through a round of emotions; amazement that one of the Autobots; because it had to have been an Autobot – Decepticons wouldn't have been precise enough to only take a single section – had actually cut apart the very building he had been standing in for no reason that he could currently comprehend; anger that the building had been destroyed; fear because Aurian had been in that section of the building; and last but most of all, confused. Why had one of the 'bots taken Aurian's room? This was absolutely ridiculous. It made no sense at all. "There is _no_ way that just happened."

"'That' as in _'this'?_" As evidence of just what he was talking about, Rob stepped into the former room, only some leaking water, a few sparking wires and the foundation the building itself had been built on remained of the area.

"Yes. That. There is no way that happened."

"I think it did." Rob looked around just to reaffirm to himself that he was indeed standing in the area Aurian's room had just been. "What the Hell is going on here?"

As one, the two men moved forward to where they could hear a commotion rolling into the open space from somewhere else on the base.

"I have a feeling I really don't want to know," Will admitted as he saw the remains of a severed room being carried easily by the golden front-liner.

* * *

"Sideswipe, what do you plan to accomplish by this?" Jolt had reached his last bit of patience for the silver mech's antics.

"Uh..." Sideswipe responded as he struggled with whatever goal he had near the top of the air traffic control tower, "well, assuming all goes as planned, then I plan on creating a Dirge Wave."

Jolt stepped a little further away, disapproving skepticism twisting his features. "Why?"

"Why not?" Sideswipe swung easily to the far side of the tower, eliciting a whole new wave of angered shouts from within as the soldiers were vainly trying to convince the troublemaker to stop whatever it was he was doing and leave their equipment intact.

"It's a waste of time, and besides that, who is it for?"

With that, Sideswipe found a perch on the top of the tower where he could look down at the medic in training. "Jolt, of all the mechs on this planet, I figured you might at least have a clue."

"Is this all for that human?"

Sideswipe sighed heavily as he stood at the peak of the tower. "It's not just for her, but yes. Anyone who can hurt that badly deserves the right to express their loss the right way."

"Humans can't even _use_ a Dirge Wave, Sides. You're being ridiculous. Put the human equipment back the way you found it and get down before something bad happens."

"No." The warrior mech could just see his brother approaching. He reached out to the woman he knew was contained within the shabby remains of a small section of the human barracks. She was worried, confused, and a little bit fearful, but she had this odd sense of 'knowing'. It seemed that even though she may not know what was going on, she knew who was behind it and that made everything a little easier. Not that she was at all happy with them for their efforts.

'It's okay, we just want to help,' he promised her; though he could feel the distinct sensation she still wasn't listening to him. That didn't matter to him at this point though, emotionally she was accepting his support and that was what counted to him right now.

'Are you ready?' Sunstreaker bypassed Jolt, completely ignoring his presence as he considered the tower.

'It might not be right, but it will work.' Sideswipe sent the connection codes to his twin, and soon they were both linked through the device the silver twin had constructed. 'Let's do this.'

As one, the twins reached out through their bond to Aurian, drawing her forward, gently forcing her to unveil her grief and to let them share it with her, to let her share it with everyone.

Unable to deny the sensation of understanding, of willingness to ease her grief by sharing it, Aurian gave in. She didn't have it in her to struggle any more, she was hurting inside and she wanted to scream at the world for it. Be damned if she knew she was being childish, or that by comparison her loss was rather small and insignificant. It was hers, and to her, it felt like the world had just split in two.

When her grief welled forward, Aurian became overwhelmed as more grief joined hers, as if it was drawing every mournful sensation into it by the sheer strength of the feeling alone. It was her grief, but it was more...it was Sideswipe's grief, it was Sunstreaker's grief. It was the pain of all of their losses: of every friend and family member taken from them, of every betrayal and deception, of every lost hope and dream. It was all of their deepest unhealed wounds colliding together and wrapping around each other in a willingness to become one.

"You're really doing this, aren't you..." Jolt realized with wide optics fixed on the solemn expressions on the twins faces. It wasn't an expression that could be mistaken for anything else. They intended to go through with a full, true, Dirge Wave. He watched as Sunstreaker set down the section of building only to receive a rather disoriented Aurian as she came dazedly from within. "You _are_!" A moment of panic hit Jolt just before he felt the distinctive well of energy preparing to release the wave in full force, then his panic turned to anger, and then to what the Dirge Wave was intended for.

With no effort at all, his own grief swelled forward, eagerly joining the oneness the bonded three had already created with theirs, and he too became engulfed as the wave finally released, spread from their central oneness to wash over the world and on into space, where as it touched each new spark it would share and welcome the grief of all the others it had touched.

It was only a few kliks long, and then it was done, but in those few kliks, the Dirge Wave had touched many, leaving a moment of solace in its wake. A painfully brief reminder of the consequences of their eons of war, of poor decisions, of mistakes that could not be undone. They were all given pause to consider their actions of the past and reminded of that which they had sacrificed for it.

Jolt shuddered as he came back to himself. It had been vorns since he had felt a Dirge Wave of any kind. He felt almost as disjointed as he had the first time. Even the substandard equipment Sideswipe had rigged to fit this purpose had been more than effective enough to do the right justice. However, what lingered in his processor and spark the longest was the gravity of the original grief used to spawn the wave.

Sunstreaker had not been exaggerating when he said he thought the woman had been dying, and Sideswipe's words rang true to him now; _'Anyone who can hurt that badly deserves the right to express their loss the right way.'_

As soon as he had his wits about him enough, Jolt scanned the two mechs and the human femme that sat together beneath the tower. They seemed so comfortable just to be near one another that he didn't say a thing to them. With acceptable results from his scan, he turned and left the trio to enjoy the aftermath of the wave. He had to admit that once he had his senses back, he felt a great deal better than he had in several vorns. There was a lot to be said for the healing benefits of a good Dirge Wave.

::I'm going to go ahead and assume you didn't succeed at stopping Sideswipe.:: Ratchet's voice drifted over a private link. He too had been affected by the wave and in its surreal wake; the medic couldn't see any reason to be angered.

::And I am going to go with the assumption that Sunstreaker completely eluded you.:: It was an agreement that they had both been undermined by the twins, but that they were not going to take it any further than that. ::The others?::

::Everyone reported in. They all felt it too.:: All the Cybertronians left in the wake would feel the effects of the Dirge Wave for orns to come.

Jolt vented lightly. ::You may want to be close by when Ironhide sees what Sunstreaker did,:: he advised as he came into view of the human barracks and the chaos reining there. ::The humans are not pleased.::

::Of course not...:: Ratchet didn't even want to know what had happened while he was on his painfully mislead chase of the golden twin.

Elsewhere on the base, deep in the darkness that had consumed the brig, muffled screams of pain echoed off the walls.

* * *

The Dirge Wave spread through the emptiness of space, reaching out to all it could touch. All who it touched were left with momentary lapse in their processes, their actions coming to a halt in its wake. All that is, but one.

One spark felt the grief, the pain, and the sorrow and it fluttered to life from a dormancy it had held for eons. Deep crimson lights filled the darkness as laughter permeated the air.

* * *

Aurian sat listening as best she could to the ranting officers. They were not happy at all that one of their buildings had been destroyed. She had already said 'I'm sorry' as many times as she thought she was able to, but no amount of her apologies were going to change anything.

"It's just another example of how those machines are negligent of us, and disrespectful of our existence!" Galloway bellowed.

He was enjoying the fact he now had a voice in these meetings and no one could simply send him away. He had all the clearance he needed, and not only that, he was now in a position of decision where these aliens were concerned. He'd already made it perfectly clear to their leader, Optimus Prime, that he wasn't happy with them choosing what was right and wrong for the human race. He also made it perfectly clear that he thought the Autobots were the ones to blame for the Decepticons and all their attacks, not Aurian. It didn't matter how many times the woman willingly took the blame for what happened, in the end it was not her that had started it, it wasn't her that kept the Decepticons here, and it wasn't her that made them attack humans. It was the Autobots and whatever civil tiff they had with the others. In his opinion, they really needed to take it elsewhere and quit endangering Earth and its inhabitants.

"They didn't do it to disrespect us, Galloway," Aurian tried to make her voice sound strong, but in reality she was just tired. She was worn out from what Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had explained was a 'Dirge Wave', and she was completely tired of arguing with Galloway. "They were trying to share one of their cultural traditions..."

"Which involves destroying a building? A building with _people in it_, no less?"

"It was just Will, Rob, and myself. None of us were hurt...and no, that's not part of it."

"Then what purpose did it serve, Ms. Towns?"

Aurian sighed. She really wasn't in the mood for this, or the frame of mind for it. The 'because I didn't want to come out and play' answer probably wasn't going to be the best, so she was left trying to find an excuse that sounded almost reasonable. In truth, there wasn't one. Sunstreaker had acted foolishly, but they had both thought it was in her best interest. "You're right, it could have been handled differently, I admit that," she looked wearily from Galloway to all the other people in the room. There were angry faces, and there were sympathetic faces, but all of them looked doubtful. Instead, she had to fall back on the reasoning the twins had given her for their actions. "In the Cybertronian culture, a 'bot can die of grief. They were concerned for my wellbeing after..." the pain still ached deep in her chest, "after Roger's death, and they were just trying to help."

"Well, that sounds noble enough," Galloway mocked, "but they had been told by not only our medical professionals, but from what I was told they were also assured by their own, that this was not the case."

"A person doesn't always think things through when they're worried for a friend!" Aurian stood from her chair. "If you saw someone you cared about suffering, wouldn't you do what you could to help them?" She glared hard at Galloway, daring him to say he wouldn't. "Like I said, it wasn't the best choice on their part, no, but I don't see how their actions could be viewed as disrespectful in the light of understanding their culture!"

"How about that they are not respecting ours?" Galloway felt confident that he had found the point he wished to make. "You are saying we should see things through their cultural views, but when is it that they have to see things through ours?"

"They have followed all of our requests as well as they have been able..."

"But not always to our requirements."

"Nobody's perfect!" Aurian felt like she was fighting the losing battle, and she wasn't sure how to recover it. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe's actions had opened the higher-ups ears to what Galloway had to say, and it was sounding more rational to them than Aurian trying to explain their actions without saying they felt her pain and thought she was dying. "Everyone makes mistakes, Galloway; you can't hold that against them unless you're willing to hold that against yourself as well."

"My mistakes don't put lives in danger."

"And how many times have _you_ saved the planet?"

"From _their _enemies?" Galloway had a triumphant air about him. He could tell Aurian was struggling for verbal footholds, but he had the support of the majority of his superiors at this point. "Ms. Towns, you have to admit that they have done little more than save us from their own kind."

"What about all of the information they've shared with us? We've taken leaps and bounds in construction technologies, in science, in medicine! You can't ignore that!"

"Yet they refuse to share with us the technology that would allow us to protect ourselves from them," he pushed.

"Because they don't want to be the ones to give us weapons we could destroy _each other_ with!"

"How do they know that we would? And even if we did, how is it their right to choose for us?"

"They aren't!"

"Ms. Towns, Mr. Galloway," one of the other officers finally interjected. "You both have made some very valid points tonight, but I think we need to conclude this meeting. We came here to decide what actions should be taken regarding the damage to the barracks by Autobot Sunstreaker."

"I think it should be obvious," Galloway practically crowed.

"He should fix it," Aurian answered easily. "I am sure Optimus wouldn't have any problems making sure that the damage is repaired to whatever standards you want to hold on it. Maybe tear down the building and construct a new one? It wouldn't hurt to upgrade anyway, would it?" This was something she knew how to talk up; getting something more than what they lost with little effort on their part was an easy way to convince any governmental body to accept an offer.

"That sounds fair," the officer agreed.

"I'll talk to Optimus..."

"No, you won't," Galloway interrupted. "You've been removed from duty. The only reason you're even here is because you were involved. I will talk to him."

Aurian clenched her fists in a physical effort to keep from decking the man. "Fine," she agreed, even though she had every intention of talking to Optimus anyway. The mech deserved at least a warning before Galloway started making demands.

"Alright, with that taken care of, I would like to call this meeting to a close. It's been a long day; everyone get some rest," though his comment was directed at the whole room, the officer's eyes were squarely on Aurian.

She did not wait for anyone else to move, Aurian already had a plan of action and she had to move before Galloway could. 'Thankfully, I have an unfair advantage,' she thought with amusement. As she rounded a corner, she reached out to her bond with Sideswipe, "Hey, I need a favor."

'Sure,' Sideswipe sounded hopeful, and Aurian could feel his relief over their bond. 'What do you need?'

Aurian ducked into a bathroom to ensure that no one would over hear her. "I need to talk to Optimus, but I can't use any of the equipment to get to him. Could you relay for me?"

'I don't know that he's going to want to talk to me...' Sideswipe had already heard from his leader, and knew that he had a serious talking to coming to him for what he and his twin had done. He still didn't regret it though.

"I need you to try anyway. It's kind of important."

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; conversations_

_ So I spent a good several hours talking to Optimus through Sideswipe. I discovered that Optimus had gone to Sam to ask him to stand in for me while I was on temporary leave of absence, but that Sam had refused._

_ I felt bad that there was nothing I could do to help the situation, but I could sympathize with Sam. He wanted to live a normal life, be a normal person. I hated thinking that he would never get that opportunity, but something in my head told me that things were not meant to be simple for the boy that had made friends with the Autobots._

_ I explained to him what Galloway would be demanding, and that he would likely be waiting for him as soon as he got back. Again, I had a really bad feeling, but I wasn't sure if it was the way Sideswipe relayed Optimus's message of his ability to deal with Galloway, or something else._

_ There was this persistent nagging at the back of my mind and as each second ticked by, it got a little louder. It was like there was a bomb getting ready to go off and I was running out of time to do it..._

_ Time was still running out...damn it! Was Roger's death just the beginning?_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review.  
_**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	89. Journal Entry 89

**_Okay, real quick; I realized that I had failed to post my description of what a Dirge Wave was with the last chapter. -_- Oops! I'm rather pleased with everyone's responses to it though, it seems as though most of you pretty much got it and liked it and that makes me happy. ^_^; Anyway! On with a short description, then on to the new chapter._**

**_Dirge Wave: This is an idea completely of my own mind, though it was inspired by something _**anasazidarkmoon _**had discussed with me previously.**_

_**The basic idea behind the Dirge Wave was that grief is such a strong emotion, and even here in our own race we have so many different ways of dealing with it, that I wanted to give the Cybertronians a very alien way of dealing with it that could still be understood by humans. I also figured that in a race that is supposed to live for so very long, dealing with grief might be a little more important than to us as a relatively short lived race. Yes, with the war they have lost many and quickly, but it takes time to adapt to such things and I figured that if grief were allowed to build up inside them, it could essentually put them into a 'depression' that was far more physical than emotional - shutting them down, sometimes permanently. Which is why Ratchet was so concerned in the first place.**_

_**Now, you may recall that many of my 'bond' theories have come from **_Litahatchee_**'s 'Nightfire', hence why Sunstreaker is so convinced that Roger was Aurian's bond-mate; once bonded if a mate dies, the other will die soon after.**_

_**The Dirge Wave it's self is essentually an emotional EMP that spreads by sparks instead of by energy. As it reaches each new spark, it is given new fuel and moves on from that point as an echo of the original burst. This is how it reaches so far away. Also, as a cultural interaction, it is a way for all Cybertronians within the range of the echo to be alerted to the original grief as well as to express their own; giving them all the outlet they need for such a dark emotion.**_

_**I hope that at least helps. I know there are many flaws in this idea - I haven't worked it out fully, but this is the basis of my thoughts behind it.  
**_

**_Now, on with the newest chapter:_**

* * *

_Journal entry; twisting words_

_ As I sat in my new temporary room, I pondered. Now that I was technically not allowed to do my job, I was back to being useless, to doing nothing at all. I hated it just as much now as I had then. It had only been a few days since Roger's death, but I had this _need_ to do something. Maybe it was that pseudo ticking time bomb in my head...or maybe..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*8*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian sat on her bed contemplating the ceiling. She didn't feel like doing much; it had taken all she could muster just to gather her essentials from her other room that still sat next to the Air Traffic Control tower. Sunstreaker was tasked with tearing it apart, along with the old barracks building and to lay the foundation for a new, better building in its place. He had agreed, begrudgingly, but when faced with other possible options for his actions he hadn't argued. Sideswipe, of course, had to help too, but he had ended up being excused from a good portion of it due to political red tape that had to be discussed regarding Shanghai.

Aurian still shivered when she remembered the intense pleasure she had felt when Sideswipe had destroyed Sideways. She was disturbed by how much she had enjoyed that, and was afraid that she couldn't blame it all on Sideswipe. In her heart, she was happy the mech had gotten what he deserved, but her mind told her that was not the way to think about death of any type.

Both twins were sufficiently distracted and seemed at least moderately satisfied that she was dealing with her grief well enough now. So, what that left her with was empty time.

She thought a lot about Roger, about everything. After rationalizing it with herself, she realized that, no matter what she had done, the outcome wouldn't have been much different. Even if they had 'run off' together – that would have meant that she wouldn't be able to stop Megatron's resurrection and that would have left the Earth in trouble again. Maybe someone else could fix it, like Sam had before, but what happened if they didn't? What if what she had seen in the 'Parking-lot' was the truth and Megatron killed Optimus? Then it wouldn't be a far cry for him to overthrow the world as a whole. Sure, the humans would fight, but what chance did they really have against the Decepticons? With deep, loathsome, discomfort she realized that she agreed with Galloway; humans needed weapons to protect themselves from the Decepticons should something happen to the Autobots or they would all die.

"Is that the time that was running out?" She asked aloud, knowing now that Roger's death was not the 'time running out' that the not-mother had been referring to.

"That might be part of it," a familiar voice pondered, "but we would have to hazard a guess that there's more to it than that."

Aurian's chest tightened, and she found she couldn't breathe at all. She was afraid to look, she didn't want to see what she was pretty sure now stood in her room with her. "What are you doing?" She pressed the words past the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat.

"We came to help you."

"NO! What are you doing using _his_ image?" She sat up to glare at the impression-in-physical-form. Tears instantly sprang to her eyes as she saw Roger standing nonchalantly in the middle of her room as if he had always been there.

"We thought this might be more pleasing to you than the other. You did like this one, didn't you?"

"I liked _Roger_! Not you mocking him! Stop it, now!"

The Roger-impression crunched his brow in a look of disbelief. "You would rather we resumed your mother's image?"

"Yes! Well, no...it's...I don't want to see _you_ look like _him_! He died because of you; the least you can do is let him rest in peace!"

"You have some strange notions, Auri," but the impression accepted Aurian's wishes and in a breath, the not-mother stood in Roger's place. "Now, may we talk?"

"What is there to talk about? You left me! _Left me_!" Aurian wasn't sure if she was upset by the feelings that had been reawakened by Roger's image, or at the emptiness she had felt when the impression had left her. She was upset, and that was all she knew. "You knew he would die, didn't you? Why didn't you tell me?"

"We do not know everything, dear one," the not-mother looked a little guilty. "If we had known, we would have tried to protect him as well...he would have been useful to you."

"What?" Did this thing just offhandedly imply that Roger could have been used the same as she was being used by it? Or was it implying that she could have used him to reach this doppelganger's goals?

"Dearest, we thought that it was obvious. We thought that you and Roger would become a pair, which would have been highly beneficial."

"How so?" Aurian was alarmed by the not-mother's words, and even though she _knew_ just what this thing was implying, she refused to believe it.

The not-mother shook her head slowly. "We understand that you had strong feelings for Roger. It is far easier to produce offspring when a pair already has emotions for each other."

"You wanted us to have children?" A pang of guilt and loss cut through her heart. The idea of having Roger's children wasn't an unpleasant one, but now it was impossible.

"We wished for you to reproduce, yes. There is still another suitable male of your species that will do, so all is not lost."

"Another_ what_?" Now she was angry. How dare this thing treat her like a beast to be bred whenever it desired? "What the Hell gives you the right..."

"We only want to save our future."

Aurian stared open mouthed at the not-mother. Had she just said that she wanted Aurian to have children to save its future? "Your future?" This didn't make any sense.

"All of our futures. Cybertronians, humans...everyone's."

"How?"

With a heavy sigh, the not-mother crossed her arms and leaned against the small desk. "Sweetheart, if you think about it, you'll see you know exactly what we mean. We have tried to guide you as well as we were able, everything is as it is supposed to be."

"Why don't you quit being so mysterious about all of this and just get to the point!" Aurian screamed. She was so twisted in her emotions, everything from fear, to rage, to hope, to defiance that she couldn't even fathom trying to piece together a mental puzzle.

The doppelganger kicked her heel against the desk, her face turned downward as if she were contemplating what she should do. "Do you not yet realize that Cybertronians are so few?"

"Eons long wars will do that," she growled back, though her mind pointed out helpfully that when she had been looking through the 'Parking-lot' it hadn't been nearly as full as she thought it should have been.

"Very true, and we do hope to end that soon enough, but what good will it do to end the war when there are none left?"

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you let them destroy each other like this!" Aurian didn't want to feel sympathetic. She was angry with this impression and she wanted to stay that way.

"That is also true; however, we could not have predicted that this would have been the result. We merely wished for our creations to evolve, to be able to protect themselves. We did not realize that the sparks of our creations were so varied that they would come to war, let alone that they would have strength and faith of spark enough to continue to this point."

Now Aurian did feel a little sympathetic. Good intentions had been behind this war all along? Thinking about it, she could recall through all of her fangirl obsessions she used to think that the Decepticons weren't so bad, they were just extremists. They had started out wanting to make sure that their kind were protected from invasion – or from other things, there had been many different options at the time – it had always started out with good intentions, but they had simply gone too far. Maybe there had been a time when things could have come to a balance between the Autobot idealists and the Decepticon extremists, but that bridge had been burned long ago. "What does that have to do with me," she asked somewhat less hostilely.

"What do you think Scalpel was so interested in about you?"

"For all I know? In seeing just how much pain he could cause me before I died!"

The not-mother sighed again. "Scalpel is not one of our most caring creations, no, but that had not been his goal. His reasoning was more of curiosity, but it was because of Starscream's desire for their race to continue that Scalpel was tasked with finding an alternative for creating offspring."

Aurian couldn't believe her ears, and her heart thrummed heavily in her chest at the mere thought. "Oh, Gods...the anomaly?"

"Had been the first successful implant."

"Did...did it live?" Why was that what she wanted to know? Shouldn't she have been outraged by the fact that she had been made an alien's surrogate without even knowing about it? Still, there was that part of her that had always felt a little protective of the thing...now she understood why.

"It was imperfect, but it still functions."

"Then all those girls...they want to make more, and they were trying to use their bodies as hosts?"

"Which is failing."

"Why?"

"Human bodies are not strong enough to support a newspark. It destroys its host before reaching realization, it doesn't even come close."

"Realization?"

"Fertilization."

"They miscarry?"

"In a way, though it is the unrealized spark drawing too much from the host that causes it."

"That's horrible!" Aurian could only imagine the state the bodies had been in when they had been recovered, the reports she had read about them had been bad enough. They had been in an advanced stage of deterioration of the heart and lungs, though a good portion of the hearts had always been removed. 'That's where the anomalies...newsparks...were attached.' Her mind spun with it all as some things started coming together. "Why did it work in me?" Cold dread filled her, it _had_ worked when they used her, and that's why they were trying others now but there was something different about them. Or was it that there was something different about her?

"Darling, you're forgetting..." the not-mother was beside her now, one hand brushing over Aurian's arm. "You're body was prepared to support a newspark, to some degree."

Aurian looked at the strange spider web-like scars running up both of her arms. "The energon poisoning?"

"It allowed your body to be able to survive the conversion of biological energy into what a newspark needs to grow."

"Energon?" There was no way Aurian's mind would wrap around the idea. "I _make_ energon for them?"

"No, that's entirely impossible. You would never live through the process. However, a pre-made chamber that contains the correct elements can allow a newspark to convert biological energy into energon on its own. Your previous encounters with energon, as well as with another spark, allows your body to withstand the conversion process."

"This is just too much!" Aurian finally stood and started pacing. "So, because I almost _died_ from energon poisoning three times, and because I was somehow able to establish a connection to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, I'm able to support sparklings inside me?"

"Taken down to the basest points, yes."

She took some time to consider all of this, to try to comprehend how it had all come to be when she came to one conclusion that angered her beyond any one thing that the doppelganger had done so far. "This is all your fault!" Her rage boiled forth like a tsunami unleashed. "You made all of this happen, didn't you? You made me bonded to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker! You made the Decepticons come after me at my apartment!" The things that had made no sense before were starting to click, and she couldn't believe that she had been such a puppet. "Did you make Ratchet not want to remove the anomaly? Make me afraid so I would stop him from doing it? You lied to me when Scalpel really was there...he was monitoring it wasn't he? You let him tear me open so he could take it away! How could you let him take it away?" That drew her tirade to a startled stop. She was more upset that the newspark had been taken from her than the fact that she had been used to create it.

"If things had been ideal," the not-mother sounded truly regretful, "you would have stayed with the newspark, nurtured it and raised it to a point it would have been able to establish its own social standing. Not all of this is our doing."

"What do you mean by that?" Aurian stopped pacing, but still stood in her shock.

"Your bond with your guardians is not entirely our doing. You had already established a firm connection with Sideswipe long before we made your bond possible. It was hardly a stretch to make the connection. We even wonder at points, if the bond might not have been able to develop fully on its own, given a proper amount of time...but time is not something we are in abundance of."

"So you've said."

"Think of all the good you have been able to accomplish because of this bond. You have brought Sunstreaker here to be with his twin. You saved Barricade when none were around that could have done it..."

"Birthed an alien baby," Aurian added venomously. "Plenty of really bad things have happened because of it too! It got Sideswipe experimented on, made me number one on the Decepticon wish list, makes people look at me like a freak for my one-sided conversations..."

"There is always good to go with the bad, sweetheart, you know that."

"Too well, I think."

The not-mother laughed softly at Aurian's words. "Perhaps we have talked enough tonight. You should get some rest."

"What? Just like that? You come in here all demanding to talk and now you're just going to walk away without telling me why you came in the first place?" Aurian glared at the woman, though she couldn't say she really wanted the false image of her mother to stick around.

"We believe we have given you enough to think about for now. It won't be long until you realize what must be."

"Because everything is as it is supposed to be, right?"

"We always did appreciate your intelligence." With a kind smile, the doppelganger vanished, leaving Aurian to fume over what she had just come to realize.

'Just a means to an end,' she reminded herself. The not-mother had made that perfectly clear before. Almost from the moment Aurian had been aware of its existence in her head, it had made it pretty clear that it intended to reach its goals by whatever means needed.

Deciding she just wasn't going to be able to settle any of this tonight, she collapsed back into her bed, intending to let her fully spent emotional state consume her for a night of exhausted sleep, let her last few trailing thoughts lead her into oblivion.

After everything that had happened the past few days, she just wasn't sure she could take much more anyway. Being shot at and almost killed by a man who blamed her for what the Decepticons had done to his niece – not that she could really blame him, but it had still unsettled her – and then Roger's death and the theft of the Allspark shard...

'The Allspark shard was stolen...' "Crap!" Aurian leaped from her bed and ran to where Ruby sat nestled among whatever stuff had been gathered from her dismembered room. "Ruby! I have to talk to Starscream now!"

The little laptop trilled in response, and as soon as Aurian had the top lifted, the screen was already announcing that she was making contact.

"What is it, human? Are you prepared to deliver on our deal?"

Her mind reeled with the reminder of her previous agreement with the Decepticon leader. Yet another thing she was pretty sure now she could blame on the impression. "Yes, but first it's really important you find out who has the Allspark shard!" She was running around, throwing things in a bag as she spoke, not even thinking to ask Ruby to shift to voice chat, though the little 'bot had already seen the need to do so.

"What?" The Decepticon leader practically roared. "What do you mean who has it? I thought you said your precious Autobot leader had it hidden away somewhere safe!"

"Well, shit happens, Starscream. Two Decepticons attacked the bunker where it was, killed everyone there and took it. I would think you had better awareness of your troops. That's beside the point anyway! You have to stop them from bringing Megatron back." Aurian closed her eyes as she zipped up the bag she had packed. 'How do I do this now?' She wondered silently. "That's all I wanted to tell you, I'll contact you when I get there."

"Don't forget what I told you, fleshling. All stragglers are fair game."

"They won't follow me."

"I will believe that when I see it."

"Disconnect," she instructed the laptop and headed for the door.

A panicked trill and the soft sound of metal on poorly carpeted floor made Aurian pause. "No, Ruby. You have to stay here...you know you can't come with me."

Again, the small bot trilled with anxiety.

"I want you to wait until everything settles down, then go to Ratchet. He'll take care of you, I'm sure. Until then, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker can take care of you, okay? I need you to help them, share your information with them. Do you understand?" Aurian knelt down to where the cat-'bot sat unhappily. "It's important to me, okay? Promise that you'll respect my wishes in this."

Ruby's blue eyes squinted with disapproval, and her little cable-like tail flipped with annoyance, but eventually she inclined her head showing that she would agree.

"Thank you. You're really an amazing little femme." Rubbing the cat-'bot's ear-like protrusions, Aurian smiled. She wished the small femme well, and left her behind. 'Why Ratchet and not Optimus,' she wondered to herself. Shouldn't she have sent the newly created cat-'bot to the Autobot leader instead? 'Only if he's not killed...' she reminded herself. At least if Ruby went to Ratchet, she was sure that the little femme would be cared for, and Ratchet would likely take her to Optimus if he was still alive, so all bases covered. 'Except for how I'm going to get off base...'

She walked for some time, looking over to the giant carriers that waited for shipping the Autobots and trying to figure out how she could get on board one without being spotted by either the human guards or the 'bot that would have to be aboard to get the thing to take off in the first place. She could make up some story about having to go meet with Optimus stateside, but she would have to have an escort for that, and she couldn't have any of the Autobots go with her, they wouldn't let her follow through with her plans.

Leaning against the closest building to where her wandering had taken her, Aurian continued to go through different stories she could tell to get one of the pilots to take her off base. Her eyes wondered over the base as she thought, and then fell to something that offered her another option.

With a silent plea that she could smooth talk the uncooperative mech into helping her out, Aurian headed for the brig.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; unwilling_

_ 'Cade wasn't happy when I told him what I was doing, but after what felt like _forever_ of explaining to him why this is what I had come to decide, he begrudgingly agreed to help me. He mumbled something about not making promises to himself ever again, but he wouldn't tell me what all that was about._

_ I sweet-talked the pilot of one of the aircrafts that I had an emergency liaison mission to attend to and that since the twins were currently being punished for their earlier stunt, I had to find another escort...he didn't seem pleased to know that Barricade was my new escort, but in his words;_

_ "If you think so, I'm not going to argue with you. I guess a police car escort isn't that bad of an option."_

_ Ha! Wonder if he would have felt the same if Barricade's alt mode was a minivan?_

_ Anyway, so the point was that we had gotten on the plane, the pilot told Air Traffic control (of who were still having problems getting their equipment back in order) the basics of my story to him, and they cleared us to go. This all blew my mind. Didn't any of these guys know that I was technically removed from duty?_

_ Oh well, remember that thing about gift horses? Yeah, going with that one._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review.  
_**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	90. Journal Entry 90

_Journal entry; panic ensues_

_ Sideswipe seemed to know the instant the plane left ground that I was gone. He also knew I was up to something. Damn, that mech is weirdly intuitive._

_ I told him I was just going to visit someone, which I was technically, and that he shouldn't worry about it. He didn't find out until much later that I had taken 'Cade with me instead of Jazz or anyone else that _wasn't_ 'Cade..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'What the Pit are you thinking, Aurian?' Sideswipe roared over their bond so loudly, Aurian thought her head might explode with the intensity. 'You're running around with a _Decepticon_! What even made you think that was a good idea?'

"Sides, please drop it a level or two, would you?" She rubbed at the spot between her eyes trying to alleviate some of the ache that was pounding there. "Listen, I know this sounds like a bad idea to you," 'and what you don't know is that _this_ isn't the worst part of it,' she added to herself, "but I know what I'm doing...what I have to do."

There was a sudden, overwhelming, searching feeling that roamed all through her. Sideswipe was afraid, and he was searching for some form of clue as to what she was really up to, but Aurian managed to keep her real intentions hidden behind a barrier of her own guilt for not having acted sooner. 'One life compared to many...' It had become her motto over the last few hours, and she clung to it desperately.

'Whatever you're doing, don't,' Sideswipe pleaded. He may not have been able to figure out what her plans were, but he could sense the woman's guilt, and something else that felt like... 'Please don't leave me, Aurian, not now!'

"Listen, Sides..."

'NO!' He roared again, an almost violent sensation of 'keeping' washed over her, enveloping her in what could have been a hug, had there been something physical there to embrace her. 'I don't care what you think you have to do! Don't leave me! Don't leave us, we need you!'

"Sideswipe!" Aurian snapped, demanding his attention. "I know that you don't like this...I don't much care for it either, but trust me when I tell you that...that things are the way they are supposed to be. This is what I have to do. If all goes well, then maybe Sam can step into my position when he's ready. Until then, you guys are just going to have to manage. Remember that you all live way longer than any of us little flesh-bags and that you won't have to deal with any of them for long..." She sighed. This conversation was going far better than she had thought it would go, but it was still hard. "Would you take care of Ruby until things settle? I told her to go to Ratchet after everything is said and done. She'll share everything I know with you guys." She reached out over her bonds with the twins, wanting to share with both of them her confidence in her choice, and her appreciation for everything they had done for her. Sideswipe took in the feeling eagerly, almost desperately, as if maybe he could pull her through their bond physically and keep her away from whatever it was she was doing. However, the bond with Sunstreaker was oddly void. "Sides, where's Sunny?"

'I don't know. That fragger disappeared with Jazz right before we were shipped out. They're not answering and nobody knows where they went. Fragger probably went into recharge while working on the new human building, and nobody ever knows when it comes to Jazz. For all we know, he's on the plane and we just haven't seen him yet.'

Aurian felt a wash of her own panic. "Where are you guys going?"

'Optimus sent an emergency signal over the gen. com. We're on our way to meet up with him and Bee. I'm not sure on the details, we were just told to rush.'

"Be careful, okay? Take care of Sam; don't let anything happen to that poor kid..." Aurian had a really bad feeling in her guts. Something was wrong, something she just wasn't seeing, but now was not the time for that. She had more important things to do.

* * *

"We're almost there," Barricade grumbled softly through his speakers to the woman sitting in his cab. "Are you sure..."

"For the billionth time 'Cade...yes, I'm sure this is what I have to do."

"You could still turn back; it's not too late yet."

"'Cade! Please, it's enough that I've got Sideswipe yelling at me in my head, I don't need you agreeing with him."

"...I don't agree with that loose, half-bit of an Autobot, I'm just saying there has to be other options."

Aurian groaned a little. "'Caaade, seriously. You don't think I've been thinking about this every second? There is no other way...I have to do this."

"Why?" Barricade didn't know the full extent of Aurian's plan, and he knew that what she hadn't told him was likely what made all of this make the woman feel that there was no other option, but that didn't change his processing that she wasn't considering all the options available.

"Because..." Aurian's voice softened as the police car pulled into the designated area. "One life isn't much when faced with the fate of an entire race..." before she could think twice about it, and before Barricade could have half a thought of stopping her, Aurian snapped open his door and scrambled out.

Barricade transformed quickly, intending to capture the woman as she scampered away from him, but was promptly stopped by the sound of engines roaring behind him.

Aurian looked over the cliff sloping before her. She had run to get here, hoping that her suddenness would stall Barricade just enough for her to do what she had to do. This was it. One more step and she would have committed to this path with no option of going back. She knew she had to move quickly, or Barricade was likely to stop her. The thought was a little endearing to her, but she still couldn't have it, this was what she had to do. "For them..." she spoke softly as she stepped forward.

"Stop!" The call made her stumble, shuffling away from the edge. "What in the Pit are you doing?"

"Sunstreaker!" Aurian's heart hammered in her chest. He wasn't supposed to be here; if he was here, her carefully laid plans would be ruined for sure. How had he even gotten here? Hadn't Sideswipe said that he was still on the base? No, he said he _thought_ Sunstreaker was still on base... "I have to do this. I have to go, Sunny."

"Ah don't see how suicide will solve anything." Jazz seemed to appear out of nowhere, leaning against a large rock not twenty feet from where Aurian stood.

Aurian turned her eyes to the ground, shame and defeat clear in her posture. "It's not suicide," her voice dropped to an inglorious whisper, "it's a trap."

Jazz was instantly on alert. His previous scans had detected nothing in the area other than Aurian, and Barricade, of whom he didn't think they needed to be concerned about right now.

Sunstreaker likewise went on alert, though his focus was solely on the woman before them. "How?"

"You weren't supposed to follow me!" Aurian's mind was spinning with panic; how could she get them to leave? Was it too late?

"You're not supposed ta go anywhere alone. How'd it look if our own ambassador got slagged 'cause we weren't there ta protect her?"

"Almost as bad," a new, growling, scratchy voice chimed in, "as you getting slagged with her!"

Before another word could be spoken, Starscream landed hard on top of Sunstreaker, pinning the mech beneath him, null ray centered on his spark. Two more Seekers also dropped from the sky to reinforce their current leader, one aiming for Jazz, the other at the human.

"What will it be fleshling? Keep your word, or shall I dispose of these two?"

"No!" The sheer amount of fear she felt that moment washed like a title wave through her voice, drawing everyone's attention. "Don't kill them, I'll go with you! Just like I said..."

"And what of them?" The sneer in the Decepticon leader's voice was clear that he knew the answer but wanted to hear it from the human.

"Please let them go..."

Starscream snarled angrily. "That was not the deal!"

"They didn't know! They _don't_ know!" Aurian begged with every bit of herself she could. Damn it if the 'Con hadn't known they would follow her.

"I don't recall that being a condition for revocation of our arrangement." Starscream shifted slightly so that his aim would be more direct, assuring that he would not miss the Autobot's spark.

Aurian felt Sunstreaker's rage, he was preparing to move and when he did, Starscream would fire and that would be the end of him. What could she do? If she did nothing, Sunstreaker and Jazz would both be killed more than likely.

The answer came to her even as she moved to act on it.

"No!" Sunstreaker screamed, _screamed_, as his lethal gaze snapped away from Starscream and his deadly weapon to the horror he knew he was about to witness.

Aurian pushed off as hard as she could, launching herself out over the cliff a good distance. Her mind froze as she looked over the vast open ocean below her. This was it.

Everything happened so fast, no one could quite say they saw everything. Jazz sprang after the human, scooping her out of the air and holding her close to his chest as an anchor no one had seen him stake pulled tight. Sure, they were dangling over the side of the cliff, completely open to attack, but for the moment, they were both alive and that had been his intention.

The other two Seekers were instantly at the ledge, aiming their charged weapons, just a breath away from firing on the two prone bodies suspended below them.

Sunstreaker shoved Starscream aside, the surprise of the situation giving him a moment of upper hand. However, his actions were not to remove the Decepticon leader from the battle. Instead, he moved to tackle the two mechs preparing to fire on the helpless beings.

Starscream seemed to regain his focus before any shots could be fired by his fellow Decepticons. "Do not fire!" He ordered as he let loose the charge that had been originally aimed for the golden mech's spark. It wasn't going to kill him now, but it would stop him from reaching his goal. He smiled a wicked smile when the warrior mech fell to the ground, gouging a trench as he slid toward the cliff edge. "Get the human." Starscream instructed his companions as he sauntered over to the downed mech.

Sunstreaker wasn't mortally damaged, but half his systems had been knocked offline and he couldn't feel his legs at all. The null ray had struck him near his spinal struts, dangerous, but not deadly. "Do it," he growled through the pain he felt, "and I will rip you apart one sensor at a time."

"If you could move," Starscream stood proudly over the fallen Autobot, "I might actually be a little intimidated." He aimed again, this time assured of his target.

"Starscream, the human..." One of the Seekers called out urgently. Starscream looked to see what they were talking about to see the small creature struggling with her would-be savior. The saboteur was arguing with the human, but it seemed nothing he said would calm her actions. The other Seeker was hovering nearby, trying to figure out how he could get close enough to grab the human before she escaped the safety of the mech holding her, and to keep himself out of range of the cord suspending them. It may not have seemed like much to an onlooker, but that cord could have meant certain doom for the Seeker. If it tangled around one of his wings, he would be victim to the forces of gravity.

"Quit gawking and pull them up!" The order came from a voice yet to be heard since the Autobots had arrived on the scene.

Barricade was already latched onto the cord close to where the stake was thrust deep in the ground. He glared at the other Decepticons before fixing his gaze on the Decepticon leader. He was challenging the mech to order them to shoot him, to take him down, while at the same time he was hauling on the cable.

Starscream looked tempted to follow through on Barricade's challenge, when something else changed his mind.

"Barricade, you traitor! I knew you'd betray us! Optimus should have let me destroy your sorry spark the second you emerged from that damn base!" Sunstreaker couldn't struggle, but he could yell, and we was going to make sure _everyone _knew how fragged off he was. He had known the Decepticon would do this to them, that he would earn what trust he could and then throw it all in their face the second he had the opportunity to gain something from it. "I'll offline you with my bare hands! I'll rip your spark from its casing!" If Sunstreaker could reach his battle programming, he would act on his promises, half-functional or not. Unfortunately, that was part of the programming that had been affected by the null ray. "FRAG YOU TO THE PIT!"

Starscream was stunned by this display. This was no act on the Autobot's behalf; he could practically feel the rage boiling up through the golden mech's chassis. "State your alignment," he challenged coolly.

Barricade struggled with the cord, pausing to share a rather hate-filled glare with the Autobot front-liner. Without even knowing it, the mech had put him in a position to do something more than just stand by while Aurian submitted to whatever fate she had chosen. "I am Barricade, Decepticon Hunter. At your service...Lord Starscream." He spoke Starscream's designation with no hidden amount of animosity. One thing that he did know about Starscream was that the mech would more readily accept open contempt then he would obviously false adoration.

Starscream had to consider this situation carefully. Barricade would make a very beneficial subordinate, but only if he was truly willing to submit. His previous actions had spoken very loudly of the mech's desire to separate from the Decepticons. However, between the front-liner's outrage, the open distaste that Barricade showed for Starscream himself, and the fact that the mech hadn't come in weapons ready, did make the Decepticon lord believe that the wayward mech had seen his alternatives and truly wished to rejoin the ranks he belonged in. "Very well, Barricade," he purred, his processor already choosing what he would do with the hunter, "welcome back." He spun to glare at the other seeker, still standing dumbly by waiting for something to happen. "What are you doing? Pull them up!"

He pointed angrily to where Barricade still fought with the cord, trying to drag an unbalanced Jazz back over the cliff edge. Starscream was tempted to strike his fellow seeker, but that was one thing he was determined he would stand apart from Megatron by. The Seekers were not just his subordinates; they were as close to his equal as he would ever consider anyone. Megatron ruled by bullying; he chose to rule by intellect.

"What if the Autobot drops it?" The Seeker asked as he grabbed the cord just in front of where Barricade already held it.

It was a very real concern, especially going by how the human was fighting against his hold. She seemed determined to be released. "I thought this might come in handy." Starscream pulled out a second, smaller weapon, aimed, and fired.

Sunstreaker could only stare in disbelief; had that Decepticon just offlined Aurian? Desperately he sought out the bond to the woman. 'Aurian!' The bond felt so empty, so cold...but not gone.

With sharp attention to the saboteur as he was hauled back over the cliff edge, Sunstreaker could feel his spark sink at the limp form held in the smaller mech's arms, even more at the crimson that smeared his bright armor.

Jazz wouldn't release the form within his grasp even as he was roughly hauled to his feet. He wasn't able to access his weapons without jostling her, and he was already pretty sure that she was in trouble. Whatever the Decepticon leader had shot her with, it had ripped through her soft flesh far too easily, lodging somewhere deep in her abdomen. She had instantly gone limp and it had been all he could do to keep her from slipping between his fingers.

He looked for Sunstreaker; he had heard the younger mech's voice but hadn't known his status. Sunstreaker had been too preoccupied to answer his com.

Seeing the golden twin sprawled in a trench obviously of his own making, Jazz's scenarios for this stand off ending in their favor dropped through the ground. They fell even further at the rough treatment he soon found himself under by no other than the Decepticon he had thought had become his friend. ::Sunny, she's alive; ya gotta get yerself pulled together.::

::Can't move,:: was the instant reply. Jazz almost thought it sounded pleading.

Starscream knew there was a conversation going on between the Autobots; he allowed it. After all, one was incapacitated and the other was short of options due to the Autobot morals for life. He knew the saboteur wouldn't abandon the human, or chance harming her if he wasn't absolutely sure he could escape with her and his companion intact. "Put the flesh-bag down, Autobot, and maybe I'll let you tend to your comrade."

"No." Jazz didn't hesitate to answer. There was no way he would abandon Aurian to the cruel intentions of the Decepticons, and besides that; Sunstreaker and Sideswipe would both offline him if he did. Not to mention what Ironhide would do__...or Ratchet...probably even Optimus...and the femmes...yeah, his existence would have become complete Pit if he even considered it, not that he did. Not even for a second.

"Fine, have it your way." Starscream's smirk was not something Jazz ever wanted to see, especially not when he knew that the mech was smiling because he knew he was going to get what he wanted.

The sound of weapons fire came only an instant before Jazz felt the impact. He remained online long enough to be sure he didn't fall on top of the human he was trying so hard to protect.

"Very good, Barricade. It seems you've not lost your intuition," Starscream praised as he shoved the wounded mech aside, his prize lay just beneath. "Take him," he ordered as he scooped up the human. 'Perhaps the caliber of that tranquilizerpistol was a little too high.'

One of the Seekers took a rough hold on Jazz's limp form and took off, easily hauling the smaller mech along with him.

"What to do with you..." The Decepticon leader turned to the one remaining Autobot. The mech wasn't damaged enough to offline before help could reach him, and if he left him that way than the Autobots would know what had become of their human and companion.

Sunstreaker glared, he wanted to challenge the Decepticon before him. He wanted to call him every insult he could think of. He wanted to destroy him...but... 'Aurian...' "Take me." He couldn't believe his own words. Had he really just said that? By the look on Starscream's face, he had.

"What was that?" Starscream really thought there had to be a glitch in his audio sensors. Sunstreaker, one of the notorious, unstoppable duo had just told him to...

"Take me, too."

The Decepticon leader was as amused as he was shocked by the unthinkable demand. "Why should I?"

"You want her to live?" Sunstreaker could feel Aurian clinging to him, to the nearness of his spark. She needed him.

"What concern is that of yours?"

"If you want her to live," the warrior snarled viciously, "you'll have to take me with her. She's depending on my spark to keep her alive."

Would there be no end to the shock? Starscream scanned the woman, curiosity getting the better of him, and found that what the mech spoke – though would be considered absurd by most - could very well be true: especially after what he had discovered about the human and the other front-liner twin previously. Her life signature was weak, but holding. He decided he would test the theory. Keeping his scanners on the human, the mech took to the air, flying a circuit around the Autobot below. Oddly enough, the further away he traveled, the weaker the human's life signature got, and when he flew close again, it would level out somewhat. It seemed that it was true that both of the front-liner twins had developed some kind of bond with the human.

Sunstreaker watched with intense apprehension as the Seeker flew around him. 'Testing...' he told himself, though he couldn't stop the way his spark lurched every time the mech flew too far and Aurian's presence faded.

Finally, Starscream returned, landing just beside the golden mech. He set the human down far enough that Sunstreaker could have almost reached her if he threw himself, close enough to torture him with the fact that he couldn't. "Don't move." The Decepticon quickly disarmed Sunstreaker's weapons, removing any he could easily reach and locking down the rest. "This is worth exploring further. I had thought perhaps your twin was the only one, but it seems that it's true; what one twin gains, the other does as well. You're lucky, Autobot. I was thinking of just offlining you and being done with it."

Sunstreaker snarled; it was all he could do. He was disgusted with himself for giving into the Decepticon so easily, frustrated by the fact that he couldn't do anything to help himself, Jazz, or Aurian, enraged that Barricade had done exactly what he had known the 'Con would do, angry that Aurian had gotten them into this situation – what _had_ she been doing anyway?

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; the right thing_

_ It's so hard to know you're doing the right thing when it hurts so much. Physically as much as emotionally and mentally._

_ I missed a good portion of everything that happened after Starscream hit me with that overpowered tranquilizer, but I knew enough. Jazz and Sunstreaker had been captured. Starscream had known someone would follow me. I thought I had a perfect plan to keep them from doing just that...Gods, I'm a fool, and now they would suffer too._

_ I'm so sorry, guys._

_ Sides...he was alone now._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review.  
_**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	91. Journal Entry 91

_Journal entry; new frontiers_

_ Ever been to space? No? Guess what? It's cold..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Barricade found himself staring up at the Seeker-turned-Decepticon-leader, unsure of how he was going to succeed at what he needed to do. He had convinced Starscream to take him this far, but that didn't mean that the Seeker trusted him – well, trust may not have been the goal so much as it was the Decepticon equivalent.

The room Starscream had escorted them to was one Barricade had known well. He had seen it several times on their trip to Cybertron – it was Starscream's over-glorified throne room aboard their ship Nemesis; although, he had no idea how the ship had come to be wrecked as it was now.

"So, Barricade," Starscream practically purred as he took his seat, "tell me, in detail, what you have been doing hiding out with the Autobots all this time?"

"I hardly call forced lock-down and the brig 'hiding out'," he growled the words with as much anger as he had felt when he had first found himself immobilized in the Autobot med bay.

"You helped the human escape when my mechs attacked their base to recover it and the Allspark shard." There was a hint to Starscream's voice; he was digging for something.

"Your _mechs_ tried to offline it," Barricade was going to use the fact that Starscream had a special interest in the human to his full advantage. After all, the truth could always be twisted to fit his needs. "It was far too valuable to let that happen, but obviously your _mechs_ didn't understand that."

Starscream nodded, he wasn't surprised by the notion that the mechs he had sent to acquire the human had little appreciation for what he was trying to do and wouldn't have thought twice about offlining the seemingly insignificant human femme. "Explain then, why you did not hand the human over once at our base?" There was pure suspicion on Starscream's face; Barricade's story just seemed too convenient.

"I didn't trust them." It was entirely true. Barricade had been sure they would have destroyed Aurian the second they had their hands on her, but he didn't have to admit to why he didn't want that to happen. "And, before you ask; I got the Pit out because they were trying to offline me. I didn't have much choice when the Autobots showed up considering I was in stasis lock at the time, and I stayed because they trusted me...to a degree, and I thought it would be best to exploit that. It offered me a unique opportunity to gain information while letting those overbearing Autobots assure the human recovered. I planned to bring her directly to you once everything settled down...Lord Starscream."

"Hmm..." Starscream thought over Barricade's words carefully. All things considered, Barricade's story seemed to be believable – even the Autobot Sunstreaker had accused Barricade of betraying them, which was something Barricade had always been good at – but still, something told him that not everything was being revealed. "You will prove your loyalty to me."

"Of course." The hunter had expected as much. It wasn't in Starscream's nature to trust anyone – it really wasn't in any Decepticon's nature, but even less for the undermining Seeker.

"You will deliver the prisoners to their fates, which will be intensely painful and miserable for each of them. You will make sure they do not escape. If it appears that you have any reservations, you will share their fate. After that, I will decide your next assignment." Starscream felt rather triumphant; if Barricade had loyalties to the Autobots, it would soon be discovered and dealt with; if not, he had just gained a rather powerful subordinate with valuable information he could exploit.

"Yes, sir." Barricade thought that he should hate himself, at least a little, for what he was about to do. Being delivered to punishment designed by Starscream was never pleasant, even as a fellow Decepticon; and he had seen what the overly curious Seeker had done to previous Autobot prisoners. He certainly wasn't happy about the situation, but vorns as a Decepticon had taught him to do what had to be done, and not to feel guilt for it. Guilt was for 'bots not destined for the darkest places in the Pit, not for mechs like him.

The grin on Starscream's face said it all; this was not going to be pleasant.

* * *

"Autobot Sunstreaker; notorious front-liner twin – same-spark twin of front-liner Autobot Sideswipe who has seemingly developed a connection to a human femme; and if that wasn't interesting enough, we also have Autobot Jazz; a mech reported as 'offlined' by the hands of none other than our former Lord Megatron. Interesting." Starscream paced in front of the two restrained mechs, Barricade and Skywarp standing behind him. "I am pretty sure I saw you torn apart with my own optics, Autobot. How did you survive?"

Jazz shrugged, looking far more comfortable in his current situation then should have been natural. "Ah didn't."

Sunstreaker glanced at Jazz from the corner of his optic; surely he wouldn't condemn Aurian by telling this Decepticon piece of slag the truth, would he?

"Then how are you online now?" The Seeker studied the small silver mech intently. The scarring from the mech's fateful damage was still visible this close to him. It was nothing more than slightly paler marks across his abdomen, dangerously close to his where his sparkchamber rested. There really shouldn't have been a chance for the saboteur, yet here he stood.

"Miracles happen. Maybe Ah'm just too good ta stay dead."

"Considering it's _you_," Starscream snarled, "I would almost believe it." He paced a few more times, as though he could not decide what it was he wanted to do with his two prisoners. "Take him to the lab," he finally instructed, his gaze locking with Barricade. "Make sure he makes it there."

Barricade didn't even hesitate as he grabbed Jazz beneath one of his shoulder plates and shoved him bodily in the correct direction. "Move it, Autobot."

No one expected that Sunstreaker would lash out in his current condition, as far as they could tell all of his battle programming was locked down, but apparently that hadn't taken the fight from him. Barricade slid face down across the floor, a well-placed kick to his back having thrown his balance. Jazz easily slid out of the way, laughing at the scene.

Barricade got back to his feet quickly and turned on the half bound front-liner. "You're dumber than I thought!" He snarled as he reached back and slammed his fist into the golden mech's face.

Sunstreaker fell back against the wall, using it and his momentum as leverage to lift both feet into Barricade's chest, delivering a vent-stalling blow to the mech.

Barricade stumbled, the world reeling around him while his stunned systems tried to recover from the hit, but Sunstreaker was not willing to oblige him the time. The front-liner was at him in kliks, his feet dealing out damage that his fists could not.

Several blows hit home before Barricade could get his processor set on the fact that he was being attacked, and no matter the damage he might still be recovering from, or the number of supposed allies in the same room, he was on his own. If he did not fight back like he meant it, he was going to suffer dearly for it. He'd had enough suffering to last several lifetimes as far as he was concerned.

It had been quite some time since he'd had a proper fight – it had been before Megatron fell that he had really been able to let loose on an opponent. His systems felt a little slow getting started, but once the programming was clear, it took over.

Sunstreaker was mostly defenseless against the aggression Barricade laid upon him. With only his feet and head to protect him, he found blocking Barricade's up and close attacks difficult. Blow after blow landed in rather sensitive spots, leaving him scrabbling for programming that would not respond, though his anger was enough to push him forward despite that. His battle-rage was only mostly locked into his battle programming; it still stirred and was beginning to drive him.

Energon splashed from blunt trauma wounds, but neither mech paid much attention as they continued to lash out at one another. Barricade took a klik to admire how well the front-liner held up with his hands rendered useless, but it wasn't good enough to stop him from overpowering him. "I've waited a long time for this, Autobot," he snarled as he pulled a small blaster from its housing – a weapon he had managed to recover during his stay at Diego Garcia. He shoved the nose of the blaster under Sunstreaker's chest plating and smiled as he started to pull the trigger.

"Enough!" Starscream hauled Barricade from his fallen foe, not exactly tossing him but assuring that he understood that any further actions would not be tolerated. "I believe you've made your point. I need this piece of slag alive for study."

"Whatever you say, Lord Starscream," Barricade snarled, taking a moment to examine his damages. Nothing severe, all of it was blunt fractures in his armor, minor energon leaks. He was pretty sure his point had indeed been made clear.

Without another word, he turned to where Skywarp held Jazz to keep him from joining in on the skirmish. "Let's go." He grabbed Jazz's shoulder and shoved him again, this time a little harder than necessary.

"Come back here once you deliver him. You'll take this one to his cell as well." Starscream instructed as he followed the others out of the holding cell.

"Gladly."

* * *

Aurian sat shivering where she had been tossed. Her stomach hurt badly, but the cold was quickly numbing that pain. Wherever she was, at least it was pressurized and there was air...at least she really hoped so because she was able to breathe and she didn't want to think there was something else about her that was insanely wrong.

Looking around she only saw coldness. She couldn't think of anything but cold. She was pretty sure that it wouldn't take long for it to kill her, and as far as she could see, there was nothing to help keep her warm.

"What have you done with them?"

Aurian registered the voice as something familiar, and without thinking started to move toward it so that she could see who it was – she couldn't come up with a name for anything and she figured that probably wasn't a good sign. As she gained her feet, she found that her frozen muscles were not willing to follow through with the motion and she was quickly returned to the floor, sprawled out ungracefully without the sense to be able to get back up.

"Aurian?" Sunstreaker almost pulled loose from the drones he had been fighting against. With him finally going in the direction they had been trying to take him, they released his restraints and allowed him to go.

He rushed to where Aurian had collapsed and with a gentleness even he hadn't known he possessed, he picked her up. Her body was so cold, and she trembled almost violently. "Aurian, I'm here..." as he tried to comfort her, strong hands wrapped around his arms and yanked him back, forcing him to drop the human in the process.

"Now, isn't that sweet?" The guard that had accompanied them teased. "Notorious Sunstreaker has a soft spot for human femmes." The mech elbowed Barricade as he continued. "No wonder you could deceive them so easily! Get the human on your side, the others just followed along, huh? Brilliant!"

Sunstreaker roared his fury and pulled against the drones, they were just too strong for him in his weakened state. "I'll kill you, 'Con!" His glare shifted from one mech to the other, but his words were meant for Barricade. He had almost trusted that bastard, only to be left to this betrayal. "A thousand times over, I will kill you!"

Barricade just watched and listened for a long time. His companion laughed and teased Sunstreaker, the front-liner had dissolved into senseless sounds of anger and rage. However, what he was seeing was Aurian. The human hadn't moved from the place she had fallen, she hadn't said a word since they had arrived, and her color seemed odd. "The human is dying," he finally said, picking her up nonchalantly. "It's cold. Keep it warm," he ordered, pushing the human into the other Decepticon's hands.

The other mech dropped her immediately, as though she carried some horrible disease. "I'm not doing it!"

"Then you can be the one to inform Scalpel his project has offlined prematurely." Barricade turned to leave the mech to his fate.

"He'll use me as his next experiment!" the mech screeched in terror.

"Then I suggest you come up with a solution, and quickly. By the looks of it, you have very little time." And with that, Barricade left.

The mech looked around, desperate for a quick answer to his dilemma when his optics landed on Sunstreaker. The mech obviously cared for the woman; he would take care of her. "You!" he pointed at the Autobot accusingly. "Keep the human alive."

"Or what?" Sunstreaker snarled, purely of defiant habit. Of course, he would try to keep Aurian alive, but he didn't have to let that be known.

"Or what?" The mech laughed incredulously. "She dies." It was simple enough. The Decepticon had seen Sunstreaker's concern already, he didn't need anything else. "But," he continued, "if that's not good enough, I suppose I can give you a little more incentive." He looked as though he were thinking it out, as if he truly had to ponder the idea. "How about; keep her alive, _or_ we use your buddy in the other room for combiner experimentation."

Again, Sunstreaker roared his rage. Maybe allowing Aurian to deactivate would be the greater kindness to her, but Jazz had already died once, he couldn't allow it to happen again by such horrible means.

"Good!" The Decepticon laughed as he turned to leave as well. "I'm glad we could come to a mutual understanding."

Sunstreaker was so furious that he barely heard the Decepticon's parting orders to the drones to release him and return to duty. The second he had some freedom, he turned on the drones, tearing them apart as violently as he was able, enjoying the sensation as they came apart in his hands. He wanted them to be nothing but scrap, even less than that. He wanted to make them feel his pain, but they were merely drones and could not, and that only served to anger him further. If only he had been able to get his hands on those Decepticons – on _Barricade_, then he would be satisfied.

A trembling thrum through his spark drew him back from his battle rage; Aurian was reaching out to him. She was afraid. "I'm still here," he assured her as he scooped her up once more. He was slightly annoyed with himself for giving into his desire to tear something apart instead of going back to Aurian right away. She was cold as ice and her breathing had become so shallow, he almost couldn't tell if she was still breathing at all. "I'm sorry."

Pressing the cold human close to his chest, he concentrated on warming her. He kept his processor focused on her bond with him and nothing else. Sideswipe was bombarding him with fear and anger – what had happened? Why wasn't Aurian answering him? Why wasn't _he_ answering him? Sunstreaker didn't want to tell his twin the truth, so he simply sent him the vague notion that things were bad, and he wasn't sure what he was going to do about it, along with the fact that there was nothing anyone else _could_ do about it. The only verbal reply to his brother was to tell him that they were both still alive: for now.

Joors passed, and Aurian grew warm in his hands, so Sunstreaker's processor began to wander back to the Decepticon that had betrayed them. 'I knew we should never have trusted him,' he thought angrily. When had he begun trusting the mech? Hadn't he been the one all along to say that Barricade had ulterior motives? Hadn't he been the one to demand his spark be put out? That he be locked away permanently? Yet, still he had somehow found a measure of trust to be had in the seemingly reformed Decepticon. It was enough to hurt him when the betrayal became reality and that was frustrating. When had that happened? Maybe it was the fact that Aurian had believed so completely in the mech. She had been so sure that he would serve better as a neutral than as an enemy that she never questioned for a second where his loyalties lay – only for her to be so completely deceived that she would willingly let the mech drive her to her own doom. "I swear I will tear him limb from limb," he growled dangerously. "I'll rip his spark from its chamber while he still functions and crush it right in front of his optics so he can see it..."

"No." Aurian's voice was soft, but not weak. "He's not a bad mech."

"How can you possibly say that?"

"Because," Aurian pushed away from the heat Sunstreaker was providing her, but not by much; she just wanted to see his optics. "I asked him to do this."

"To turn on us all?" Sunstreaker was outraged by the thought, not that he would ever believe it.

"Well, no..."

"Then you didn't ask him for this!"

"I asked 'Cade to take me to Starscream. I asked him to try and keep you guys from following. I asked him to make sure no one stopped me."

Sunstreaker vented, wrapping his other hand around the human, who was starting to shiver again. "You are delusional. He's a 'Con, he played you...played us all. This is what he wanted all along. Once a 'Con, always a 'Con."

"No,"

"Yes!" Sunstreaker refused to hear her shifting blame. Barricade had betrayed them and that was all there ever would be to it for him. "Even if you asked him to bring you here he has still betrayed whatever faith Optimus had in him. He will never live that down – not so long as I still function."

"Sunstreaker, please...don't hate him for what I've asked him to do. He was the only one who would have ever helped me in this."

"That's proof enough!"

"I can save your race, Sunny!" Aurian was tired of trying to be gentle. She had an important point to make, and Sunstreaker's attitude was getting in the way. "I have the key, or code, or whatever it is, inside me that can save your race. That is worth everything to me, and it should be to you too! Even Optimus would have to agree..."

"You told them?"

Aurian's words caught in her throat, a small sound of exasperation escaping her. "Not fully. I didn't say anything about the others." Aurian figured someone was probably listening and she didn't want to persuade Starscream to seek any answers beyond her. "Just that I knew why I could do it when other humans couldn't."

"And why is that?" Sunstreaker had no doubts in his whole being that Aurian believed what she said was true, and given the strange things that always happened around her, he was inclined to believe there might even be some pretty convincing evidence, but he was sure that it could not be true.

The words of the not-mother came hauntingly back into Aurian's mind. That she had been 'prepared' for it, that the Allspark had deemed it so. "Listen, Sunstreaker, there is no way I can possibly say it that will sound sane, but you have to believe me. Everything is the way it is supposed to be."

"The way it's supposed to be? As in fate? Or whatever that slag is you humans believe leads you to whatever horrible things you let happen to you? There is no way that some non-existent force determines your life for you! You choose what you do with your life!"

"And I have chosen this."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I believe Starscream is the means to an end. He has the mind...I have the blueprints." She shrugged a little. "Essentially, anyway. There are pieces missing, but I'm sure they'll figure it out."

Sunstreaker couldn't believe what he was hearing. She was willingly submitting herself to be a science project for the Decepticons? After everything that had happened to her? "You can't do that..."

"There's no going back now, Sunny. I'm here, and there's no way to get out, even if I wanted to."

"I'll find a way."

"I know you will try," Aurian leaned back into Sunstreaker's warmth, "and that is more than what I would ever ask of you."

Sunstreaker didn't know what to think of this situation. Aurian's words were truer than he'd like to admit. They were trapped on a Decepticon ship, far from any help they might have been able to call for. If it had just been him, he had a hope – but with Aurian...humans couldn't survive in space without protection. They were trapped by her limitations more than they were the bars that blocked them into their cell.

"Sunny?" Aurian asked as she settled more comfortably against his warm chest plates.

"What?"

"Thank you for being here," she sighed heavily, "and I'm sorry for getting you and Jazz into this..."

Sunstreaker grunted noncommittally, though through their bond he assured her that he would always be there, no matter what.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; don't know what to say_

_ So my plans had blown up in my face in some of the __grandest__ ways ever. Not the first time, but this time it seemed a little more personal. Maybe not as personal as Roger being killed because I sent him back to the bunker...damn how I still regret that, but it was still personal. Did the fates really have it out for me so badly?_

_ Sunstreaker told me that Jazz had been taken to the lab, and that terrified me. What would they do to him? By the Gods, I would have given anything to save him from that fate. I could only think to try and sway Starscream to spare Jazz by cooperating with him as much as I was able. Not that I could say how that was going to go, I had already willingly handed myself over and there was little I could do to challenge that._

_ It never gets easier. Never._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

_**SO! Under the persuasion of **_Litahatchee _**- I have chosen to pursue the opportunity to publish my own works officially. It will be some time yet before I have one of my own original works prepared enough to actually publish, but I have started a blog to record my steps along the way. If you are interested, I invite you to follow me - **_http:/jessiegearblogofprogress (dot) blogspot (dot) com/

**This should prove to be an interesting adventure to say the very least. ^_~**

**Please do note that this blog is solely for my writing pursuit and not meant as a life journal. It will be used to keep interested readers updated on my (hopefully) many upcoming publishings and whatever events may come of them. Thank you!  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	92. Journal Entry 92

"Move back, Autobot."

"I won't let you take her," Sunstreaker growled, holding Aurian tight against him. He was at a great disadvantage, but he was determined nonetheless.

"Sunstreaker, don't..." Aurian begged both in voice and through their bond.

"I won't just hand you over to them!"

Deadend laughed at the sad attempt by the all ready damaged front-liner. "Your efforts are pointless, Autobot. Give the human to me and avoid further humiliation, or don't and my drones will beat you into submission. It really doesn't matter to me either way."

* * *

_Journal entry; martyr_

_ The first time they came for me was horrible. The fight was bad, and left Sunny writhing in pain on the floor of our cell. I had begged so much for him not to fight them, but he would have none of it. I guess that's just part of that whole bull-headed loyalty thing. Maybe the fact that I was insanely terrified of what they were going to do with me might have provoked him a little. He suffered so much for it, though! Did he really have to go so far?_

_ What I didn't know was that attacking Sunstreaker was just another experiment. But then, that was only one of many things I didn't know at the time..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian sat uneasily on the rather human-sized table where she had been placed. More than a little bit of her screamed to run, even knowing full well there was no point to it – at least she wouldn't be going down without a fight.

'This is what I chose to do, there is no backing down now,' she reasoned with herself. 'Remember why you're doing this, it's an entire race; what is one life compared to that? That's what matters, nothing else.'

Her resolve grew weak though, as Scalpel made his entrance. Somehow, she had convinced herself the little field medic would not be the one she had to submit to, but it only made sense. Of course it would be him; he was the one that made the breakthrough with her the first time, so he would be the one to do it again. However, the second 'bot to accompany him seemed to calm her nerves quite a bit.

He was small, maybe a little bigger than Bumblebee, but not by much, if at all. He walked slowly, a look of defeat and deep regret on his face. Aurian wondered why, but at this time could not manage the words to ask him. His armor was white, mostly, though it showed some heavy damage to it: nothing painful, only surface damage. A small voice in her head told her she knew who this downcast mech was, but a name was not forthcoming.

"Ah! Hello again, my pet. I have been vaiting a long time to get my claws back in you. You do not know how happy ve are zhat you actually survived!" The little mech cackled as he climbed the table to examine his old project returned to him.

"No thanks to you," Aurian snapped, though her voice wavered heavily.

"An unfortunate turn in events, I admit, but all has turned out vell enough." He poked at the wound on her stomach. "Ve vill have to take care of zhis little flaw before ve proceed."

"W-what are you going to do?" Aurian was sure she had a pretty good idea, but she still wanted to know for sure. It was easier to face a fate you knew, then one you knew would happen but had no idea of what it was.

"First Aid!" The second mech that had entered the room with Scalpel cringed at the name called. "Come here."

"First Aid?" Aurian looked up at the 'bot and knew instantly that the name fit. "What are you doing here? You...you're an Autobot, aren't you?"

The mech only glanced at Aurian, his blue optics seemingly holding a tsunami of emotions within, though few actually reached his face.

"Is my helper, now!" Scalpel cackled happily. He was enjoying the forced servitude far too much. "Hold ze human."

First Aid reached for Aurian. Her heart began racing again – she wasn't ready for all this to begin again, but what could she do? She whimpered slightly as the white mech touched her, and he flinched.

"I...am sorry," he spoke softly as he continued with his motion, wrapping his hand around her upper body and pinning her down to the table.

Aurian choked back her fear. This wasn't going to be pleasant, by any means, but panicking wasn't going to help her at all. "I don't blame you," she looked directly into First Aid's optics as she spoke, pure confidence in her words – though her voice squeaked and trembled. She did not blame the small 'bot, and never would, no matter what happened. She promised herself that as much as she promised him.

Scalpel hardly waited for his victim to be restrained before he was digging into her flesh, seeking out the remains of the tranquilizer Starscream had shot her with. He knew that if the shell had penetrated too deeply, that the human's very existence was in grave danger, but that only provided him with more of a challenge – more of a chance. Even if his mission was all-important according to Starscream, it was nothing more than a game to him, and the more he could make his research projects scream, the more fun it was.

Aurian bit her lip to try to keep from screaming, it only lasted for a few brief seconds. She felt her lip split beneath her teeth, but that pain was hardly anything in comparison to the sensation in her stomach. It was so much like when Scalpel had torn her chest open to retrieve the anomaly – the newspark – that she could not stop from reaching out in pure desperation to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. She screamed in voice, and through their bonds. What she got in return was almost as painful as Scalpel's touch.

Sunstreaker tried to pull her from the pain, to drag her into a sort of limbo between their bonds where she could be enveloped in his anger, his confidence, and his pure golden light of loyalty. He promised her that he would make them all pay for what they did to her now, for what they had done to her previously, and that he would find a way to get her out of this place. Though his grip on her, and hers on him, seemed slick; like a gel that refused to be held, and so his offerings were little more than whispers in her mind.

Sideswipe; however, had no idea what was happening to her. He was terrified and enraged at the same time. He wanted to know what was going on, and how it had come to be, but more than that, he wanted to know how he could save her. He wanted to save her...but he couldn't, and Aurian knew that. Her mind could only focus on that thought – that he could not save her, that she was trapped with no hope of rescue and that was what Sideswipe got in return to his probing. His spark was in sheer panic and sought answers anywhere it could find them.

Reaching out to his twin that had been infuriatingly elusive, he took hold of their bond in a way he had rarely done – a way that would not allow the other to throw his twin off or lock him out. He demanded to know what had happened, and when Sunstreaker told him the truth, Sideswipe's bond with Aurian flared with a fire so hot, Aurian was finally granted a moment's peace from her current pain.

'Tell me it's not true!' He begged.

Aurian tried to speak, but her voice was already raw from screaming so she did the best she could and took hold of that fire, wrapped herself in it, and wept into their bond. It was true, and she hated to have to tell him that it was, but it was what had to be.

'No!' Sideswipe refused. 'There could have been something else...this is not the answer!'

'It's too late, Sides,' Sunstreaker's voice trembled through their bonds; his own frustration beginning to undermine the reprieve Sideswipe's anger had given Aurian. 'She's already committed to it...' he sounded angered and disgusted by the mere thought of it, but there was a measure of defeat there as well. 'I will get her out of here,' he promised. 'If I have to destroy this whole place, I will get her out.'

Aurian begged silently for Sideswipe to forgive her, for them both to forgive her. 'Things are the way they have to be,' she thought over and over, her voice sobbing even in her own mind. What was worse was that she knew this was not the worst of it. This was not the greatest pain she would suffer before it was over. She was terrified, so afraid of it all, but she could not convince her heart that she had chosen the wrong thing. 'To save our creations...' The not-mother had told her something along those lines, and she thought she understood now.

If there was life, there was hope of a future. The doppelganger wanted there to be a future for the Cybertronians and it had sought out a like-minded being to help that want become reality. Aurian vaguely thought that if she could gather enough wits, she would laugh at the irony of it all; she had to give up all hope for herself to give hope to the Cybertronians. How was it, she wondered, that hope for their entire species lay in the hands of the faction that had tried to destroy it, and inside the body of an organic from a planet far from their own? Somehow, none of it seemed right, but it was the way it was.

When things had settled down long enough for her mind to come back to her, she noted that she was still where she had been put, but Scalpel was nowhere to be seen. First Aid; however, was busy looking over some datapad with a very distant interest. "What's goin' on?" She asked, her words feeling thick and heavy in her mouth.

"You're awake?" The mech sounded honestly surprised. "Lucky you..."

"Yeah," she started to move, then instantly realized that it was a bad idea as fire tore through her spine. "I can feel the luck now," she whimpered.

"You should probably not move."

"What did he do to me?" She couldn't begin to imagine how so much pain could emanate from one spot in her body.

"Deep exploratory surgery."

"What for?"

"Do you really want to know?" First Aid hadn't looked at the small organic yet. He didn't want to look at her; he had seen far too much in the past joors, he didn't feel like he could handle seeing the aftermath too.

Aurian was more than just a little sure she knew the general idea of why Scalpel had done whatever he had done, but she found herself a little curious about the details. "First Aid, right?" She decided now might not be the time to focus on what was being done with her innards.

The mech only grunted in answer.

"How did you end up here?"

"Bad timing, I guess."

"You were on the science ship, weren't you?" She gave up on any thoughts of trying to move her body as a whole, but she found she could roll her head with relatively little pain. Looking at First Aid she knew she was right. "Who else was on the ship?"

"How do you even know about it?"

"Teletran."

First Aid had heard some whispers about this strange organic creature that the Decepticon Lord had obsessed about, but he hadn't put much stock in any of it. It all sounded too mythical to be true. "Teletran?"

"Yeah."

"There hasn't been a Teletran in vorns; where did you come across one?" He felt somewhat hopeful that if there was a Teletran somewhere nearby then there was surely a stronghold there too.

"I...uh..." Somehow, Aurian didn't think announcing that she had built Teletran Unknown while under the influence of some mental impression of the Allspark probably wasn't such a good idea during her imprisonment by the Decepticons. "It's complicated, but it's safe. I can promise that."

"Who has it?" The white bot leaned in eagerly, his datapad fully forgotten now. "Do they know where we are? Are they sending someone?"

First Aid's hope made Aurian want to scream. She didn't want to take that small glimmer away from him after seeing how defeated he had been, but the truth was the only thing she could give him. She couldn't make herself feed him false hope in this situation – there was little point of it. "I...don't think they're sending anyone, no." She went straight to the point. "The Teletran came online just in time to see your ship get captured – they don't know where this place is." It was then that a jolt of hope tore through her. "They _didn't_ know where it was!" She breathed heavily for a few moments. "They might know now! Sunstreaker can tell them where we are!"

"S-sunny's here too?" First Aid hadn't been told who had been captured, only that the 'project' had been recovered along with some other interesting subjects. He was barely allowed beyond this med bay, let alone to know who resided in the brig or in other areas of the ship. The only reason he was spared becoming one of the experiments himself was his ability to learn quickly and his willingness to stand down. It wasn't so much that he had willingly switched sides or anything; it was very clear that he was a prisoner here as much as any mech in the brig – he just held out hope that being useful would give him the opportunity to help his comrades escape.

"And Jazz." The crestfallen look on First Aid's face went straight to Aurian's heart. The poor mech was obviously very hurt to know more of his comrades were being held captive, but at least she thought she had something to offer. "Sunstreaker can reach out to Sideswipe and tell him where we are. Sides can tell Optimus and maybe then they can do something to help..." she had intended to say 'us', but she was certain that there was no help for her. Not now. So, she just let her words stop there. Maybe they could help. Wasn't that enough?

"Optimus Prime? He's here? In this system?"

"Yeah, he's on Earth."

"Does he have the Ark?"

The Ark. Aurian had never even once thought about asking of the legendary Autobot ship. "I don't know."

"Oh," there was a little disappointment in the white mech's voice, but the small glimmer of hope remained in his optics. "Well, who else is there with him? He had a strong team, surely they're all still with him, right?"

"I can't say I honestly know who all was with him before, but the ones that are there now are Ironhide, Ratchet, Bumblebee, Jolt, Arcee and her...um...Chromia, and Flareup, Skids and Mudflap, and Sideswipe. We were trying to reach others, but there hadn't been any answers as far as I know. Then again, I don't understand a lick of Cybertronian, so for all I know someone might be on their way." She sighed heavily. All the time she spent with Ruby trying to reach out to someone, _anyone_, yet as far as she could tell the only thing she'd ever gotten back were some rather rude sounding blow offs. "Anyway, who was on the ship with you?"

"Grapple, Seaspray, Beachcomber, Mirage, Preceptor, Bluestreak, and Wheeljack...though I can't say I know who made it and who...who didn't." The gloom was settling back in quickly. "I haven't seen anyone since they brought me here. I should have at least tried, right? Made sure that they were still functional."

"Why didn't you?" She was curious, but Aurian knew that First Aid had never been a confrontational mech – or at least according to all of the fandom she was so fond of, he was more of a pacifist than anything else.

"They said if I did anything questionable then it would be parts of my teammates that I'd be wiring into the next medi-drone. I couldn't take that chance."

"Then you did the right thing." Weariness nagged at the back of her mind. Aurian was more exhausted than she could ever remember being, but she was terrified to fall asleep. "Hey...First Aid?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you stay here? With me?" She half smiled, "I mean, it's not like you can go anywhere else, it's just that I'm kinda scared that if I fall asleep...maybe I won't wake up."

"Yeah, I'll be here." The young mech scooted closer to the small organic. Something inside him felt as though it had been repaired by her need for him to just be there for her. It was the same feeling that made him want to be a medic in the first place – that feeling of giving confidence where there was doubt, of being able to have the answers when no one else did. Of course, he didn't always have all the answers, but still; being able to offer some hope in pretty dark situations was enough for him. "You'll wake up." Most of the time.

"Lucky me." She tried to sound positive, to smile, but she couldn't stop the tears that leaped to her eyes as soon as she thought about what waking up meant.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; divided_

_ Sleep was supposed to be my reprieve. I was supposed to fall into the endless oblivion of unconsciousness – the absolute void of hard decisions, but I didn't. What I got instead was some psychotic mix of what was, what might be, and what had already been._

_ The weirdest thing of it all was that I dreamed that Optimus and I were sitting at a table, eating a large meal, talking about something that was completely absorbing, but I didn't understand a word of it. I remember I was sad though. Really sad. And I wanted to tell him that, but I couldn't because he was too busy trying to make me understand what he was saying. It had to have been very important...but I just wasn't getting the message._

_ You'd think I'd be used to disturbing Cybertronian-related dreams that made no sense to me at all by now._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	93. Journal Entry 93

_Journal entry; eyes open_

_ I can't honestly say I know how much time passed. I will tell you it felt like years, by the Gods, it felt like forever! I don't know if I was awake more or unconscious more, or even if I had simply blinked instead of passed out. There was nothing for me to tell the difference between any of it until it stopped. Once it did though, I wished I was unconscious at the very least._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I don't want to do this anymore," Aurian whimpered, not sure, or really caring if anyone heard her. "Please, just make it stop." She was crying, hot tears streaming down her face.

"This will ease your pain," First Aid whispered in her ear. He glanced around quickly before administering a mild analgesic. If Scalpel caught on to him, he would be deactivated faster than he could process, but he couldn't stand the organic's cries of pain.

The procedures Scalpel had conducted in the past few joors had been scientifically, and medically astounding. If he had not been there to see them, he would never have believed what the devious little field medic had achieved by using this one organic body. The process had failed with all of the others; so horribly he still woke from recharge with the images burned into his optics. This success spoke of hope for their future as a race, but was it worth the price? Was it worth all this pain, all of her suffering? He was so torn between hope for a future, and the complete wrongness of how it was being achieved.

"I'm sorry," Aurian could finally think past the pain and she felt badly for First Aid. He wanted to help her, she could see that, but he was not the one who made the choice to be here. She did. "I'm sorry," she whispered again, "I didn't mean it."

"Of course you did. Nobody wants to suffer."

"Yeah, I guess you're right..." she tried to put some humor into her voice, but failed miserably. "So, what's next? If what I felt was any indication, I would assume my insides are no longer inside me."

First Aid spared her a sympathetic smile. "You're insides are exactly where they belong. Or, at least they are where they were."

"Where's the little demon incarnate?"

"The...oh, Scalpel? He was called away. Something about his unique skill being needed. I don't really know what's going on."

"Let hope its something good for a change." Aurian took a deep breath and slowly let it out. The pain was greatly subdued but she could still feel the pressure of the ache in her whole body. Beyond that, she could feel Sunstreaker – he was in pain too, and when she reached tentatively for Sideswipe, she found he was also suffering. "For everyone's sake."

* * *

Jazz waited patiently, not that he had much of a choice considering he was affixed to the examination table he had been on since he had arrived. He had wondered for a while if anyone was even coming for him at all; he had seen no one since Barricade had escorted him here. Which had brought up another rather interesting thought.

In the time Barricade had spent on their base, Jazz had invested as much time as he could with the once-Decepticon in attempts to discern for himself whether or not the mech had ill intentions, and had found the hunter to be rather straightforward with his actions. Jazz had even gone as far as to consider the mech a friend of sorts, which is why he knew that Barricade was up to something. He wasn't sure if all of this was an act, or if there was something else lurking on the backside of the mech's processor, but whatever it was, he was sure things were not as they seemed.

His processor also wandered to the others; Sunstreaker and Aurian.

Sunstreaker had come to him once he sensed Aurian was up to something, he'd asked for help trying to stop her from doing something he was sure was going to be bad – he had no clue what she had actually been up to, only that the small laptop-turned cat-'bot, Ruby, had come to him in distress. She wouldn't reveal what her human counterpart was up to: only that she was very displeased with it. They had discovered that Aurian had commandeered a carrier not long after her departure. Fortunately, Optimus had sent an all respond order about the time they were trying to commandeer a plane of their own, and soon found themselves following in Aurian's wake. It had only taken a bit of redirection on Jazz's part to put them in a close proximity to where the woman had landed. After that, it was just a matter of following the bond in Sunstreaker's spark to find her.

Neither of them has suspected that _this _was what she had run headlong into.

'Why turn herself over to the Decepticons?' He wondered. What was it she was trying to do? Did she wish to destroy herself to be rid of her grief, or was there something else? Jazz couldn't imagine that Barricade would help Aurian go through such complex means of self-destruction as this. Not when it put him back in the hands of the faction he had turned his back on.

Jazz was a problem-solver, it was one of the things Optimus found so valuable about him, but this was one he couldn't put together. There were too many pieces missing.

"So," the familiar voice penetrated Jazz's internal thoughts, "you have found a way to come back online from deactivation." Starscream walked easily around the table containing the small saboteur. "You Autobots have a surprising amount of interesting secrets as of late; I think it is time you share them."

"Ah already told ya, Ah don't know how it happened." Jazz managed to sound bored with it all.

"I didn't ask you to talk, did I?" Starscream, sneered as he came to stand beside Jazz, holding a tool the saboteur did not recognize casually by his side. "I intend to find out, whether you know or not; there will surely be some clue inside you."

"What're ya doin'?" A new, very familiar voice shouted from across the lab.

"Get back to your project or become a part of mine, Autobot!" Starscream all but screeched as the new 'bot came closer.

"Ya can't..."

"I can, and I will! Do not forget, inventor, you are still my prisoner – the moment I decide you are no longer of use to me, I will have you destroyed. Now get back to your project now, or suffer the consequences."

Jazz caught a glimpse of the mech that dared stand up to Starscream: a captive Autobot inventor that spoke with an unmistakable Cybertronian accent. There was only one mech he could think of that fit everything he had. "'Jack?"

"Get back to work!" Starscream punctuated his order with a quick stab at Jazz's chest plates.

The first thing Jazz thought was that his chest plates had caved in beneath the pressure, but then he realized that they had moved without his consent or without proper medical persuasion. The second thing that he came to realize was that his spark was twisting in sheer panic, pulling away from its proper casing. The last thing he saw was the half-klik warning that his systems were going into emergency stasis.

* * *

Sunstreaker groaned as his optics came back online. It wasn't so much that he'd passed out as much as it was he was trying to deny reality.

A quick scan told him that the drones recording all of his reactions were still there – another reason he had willingly let himself go offline. It was easier to pretend he wasn't suffering along with Aurian when he wasn't conscious.

Starscream had brought the drones sometime during the initial waves of pain through his bond with Aurian. Sunstreaker had been doing well to cope with it at the time, only faint echoes reaching the surface in small twitches, or catching vents, but it hadn't taken long for it to become a struggle to deal with the increasing effects. _'Just act naturally,'_ Starscream had said, almost with more honest curiosity than with snarky sarcasm. Sunstreaker had tried to shut down his bond reactions, but he couldn't without shutting Aurian out completely – which he wouldn't do, and he wasn't even sure if that would work anyway – so he had ended up taking it out on the walls of his cell until he reached a point he simply couldn't take it any longer and his systems overheated.

'Aurian?' He could feel her, which was comforting. He had a momentary thought that maybe she wouldn't be there.

'Are you okay?'

He laughed out loud. After all that, her first question was if _he_ was okay? 'Aside from some severely damaged pride, I'm fine. How are you? What did they do to you?'

'Rearranged my innards as far as I'm aware...' there was a sense of queasy uncertainty with her voice that made him wonder if she even knew what had been done to her. 'Hey, I can't remember seeing anyone in the brig when I was there...is there anyone there?'

Sunstreaker scanned as far as his aching systems would allow, but the only returns he got back were the drones. 'Only a couple piles of useless parts, why?'

There was a sense of unsure hesitation before Aurian answered. 'First Aid is here. He was on that science ship Ratchet spotted a while back. There were some others on the ship but he doesn't know what happened to them. Guess I was kinda hoping at least one of them might be there.'

'Who?'

'Uh, he said Perceptor, Mirage...um...Seaspray...Beachcomber, Bluestreak, Wheeljack...and I'm forgetting one...who else? Oh, right! Grapple.'

'Great. Best bet there is Wheeljack will get near something he can make blow up.'

'Hey, I'm sure the others could be helpful, we just have to find them.' There was a small amount of amusement in Aurian's voice at Sunstreaker's statement. Oddly enough to Sunstreaker, even just that little bit of positive feeling was enough to make him start to think that there might be a chance. 'First Aid says he hasn't left this...facility...since he was brought here from the ship. They threatened to use the others as drone parts if he did.'

'So, of course he didn't do anything.'

'Be fair, he didn't want to take the chance, Sunny. You can't blame him for that.'

'I can...' Sunstreaker knew First Aid well enough to know the mech would try every alternative to fighting he could, especially if there were lives at stake. He had thought that maybe it was part of the medical programming – even Ratchet would _try_ to avoid fighting, though the CMO had long since realized that he didn't have a choice sometimes.

'Sunny...'

'I won't hold it against him, it's in his programming. That doesn't mean I have to appreciate it.' They had to move on; if they were going to hold any hopes of escape, they had to plan when they could. After all, neither of them knew when Scalpel would be back. 'What are the chances of you making it out of there?'

There was a long pause while Aurian tried to get a better grip of her location and what surrounded it. 'Slim to none,' she answered back with more than a little defeat in her voice. 'The areas outside the med bay here aren't temperature controlled. On my own, I'll never make it, and First Aid isn't very confident that he could get far without being noticed.' She was quiet for a little longer. Sunstreaker could feel the swirling thoughts as they rushed around and through their bond. She was trying to come up with a plan, but with her limited knowledge of the ship they were on, she was coming up short. 'First Aid said he can try and get out, see if he can get to you or find one of the others. That would increase our chances of getting...somewhere. The question is where? How would we get away even if we could escape?'

'The science ship is probably docked somewhere close by. The 'Con's may be dumb sometimes, but they're also greedy and have an annoying knack of using their processors at the most inconvenient times – I'm sure they have some underhanded plans for an Autobot science transport.'

'Okay, so we need to find where they stored the ship, figure out who is where, and how we're going to get out. No big deal...'

No big deal. Sunstreaker felt like it was a big deal, like it was practically impossible. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't have thought twice about busting out the first chance he got, and planning later – if at all, but with Aurian's life in the balance he was feeling a little beyond his means. Not only did they have to find the ship, but they had to find a way to get to it that was pressurized or the human would be deactivated quickly. They also had to consider temperature; she would live far longer in the cold than the vacuum of space, but it still wouldn't be very long. True, as long as Sunstreaker had been able to keep her close to his spark, and concentrate on producing warmth, he had been able to keep her from freezing – but what if they had to fight? That would either leave her freezing, or leave one of any available 'bots they found practically defenseless, and that was assuming the best conditions. 'If First Aid can get out of there, have him try to find what they did with Jazz...he's far better at this kind of slag than I am.'

A sense of panic laced guilt rushed through their bond. Aurian was worried about what they had done, or would do to Jazz. She was sure Starscream hadn't overlooked the fact that the small Saboteur had been dead a little over two years ago.

'Don't worry. Jazz is good at surviving. Mech's probably doing better than either of us.' Sunstreaker readjusted himself so he was sitting where he could see the drones recording his every move. 'I can't do much of anything until we have a plan in motion – I'm being watched.'

* * *

What felt like hours passed with Aurian discussing possible options with First Aid, though she felt a little bad for being deceptive with him. In all the plans they thought out she never once indicated to him that she had no intentions of leaving with them; she had come here for a reason and she wasn't going to change her mind. Sure, the idea of running away was nice, and it was very tempting, but she hadn't gone through all the trouble to just turn her back on the chance of helping the Cybertronian race save its self from extinction. She fully blamed the 'impression' for her way of thinking, though she couldn't say that left with the truth and her own free will that she wouldn't have chosen the same. 'One for the many' had always made moral sense to her, and it was a moral she was willing to let take her to the grave.

"My best guess would be they took him to the science lab. If he's not here, and there was something they wanted to...look into about him, that would be the only other place I could think of." First Aid paced a few steps at a time around the small table the organic still laid on. He worried about her lack of movement, but she insisted that she was just tender and not moving was far better than the alternative at the moment.

"Do you know where that is?" Aurian was lying on her side, half curled with one arm under her head for a pillow, the other hand tracing imaginary lines over the cold metal she was laying on.

She kept feeling waves of anger and worry from Sideswipe, but she refused to actually answer him. She knew what he would say and she didn't want to hear it. Instead, she did her best to dampen what he got from her, even her positive emotions. She figured that the less he got, the less he would hurt in the end. She had even made Sunstreaker promise not to relay her thoughts and feelings through him to his twin. The golden mech had agreed, mostly because he didn't want Sideswipe to suffer this agony alone. Let him suffer from dampening, from not knowing – that was far easier.

"Yeah...well, no. Not really. I have a base knowledge of this ship, so I can use that along with a process of elimination to figure it out."

"Are you comfortable with that? I don't want to make you do anything you don't feel confident in."

"I can't just stay here anymore." He looked down at the small organic, the human, with regret. If he had just been a little less cautious before he might be more help to her now. He might know where the others were, and how to get off this ship. He might know better how many Decepticons were actually on the ship, and how many drones they had. "I will do my best."

"What if they catch you?" She couldn't ignore the fact that First Aid would pay dearly for defying Starscream's demands.

"Then they'll either scrap me, or throw me in a prison cell. I'm willing to take the chance."

Aurian rolled her torso so that she could look up at the white 'bot. "You don't have to."

"I do. I realize now that just waiting here is doing no one any good." He smiled down at the woman. "I will go in the off cycle. Drones are easier to avoid than 'bots."

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; go forth_

_ Scalpel came back three more times before the end of the 'day'. It was horrible; I'll just leave it at that and spare the gory details._

_ First Aid kept true to his word, though I have to wonder if he snuck away to avoid having to see what Scalpel had done to me – what he had helped Scalpel do to me – or if it was only to keep his word to find Jazz. I'm sure he truly did want to locate Jazz, and maybe find some of the others that were on his ship._

_ To tell you the truth, I can't say I was thinking clearly when he left – he gave me a sedative on his way out. Bless that mech._

_ I just hope all goes well for him._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_News I forgot to share with the last post!_**

~April is Wheeljack appreciation month! Throughout the month of April I encourage everyone who has ever loved the *enter your prefix here* Autobot Inventor to create something in honor of his mere awesomeness. A sketch, a oneshot, a songfic, WHATEVER! Or, if those are not your slice of pie - just share the news with the rest of our TF fandom family. ^_~ I hope to have a oneshot up and posted before the end of the month as tribute. If you do something, feel free to share it with me in a PM and I will put it in the ending notes of the chapters posted for the next few weeks.

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	94. Journal Entry 94

**Okay, ladies and gentlemen. I have mentioned a time or two that this fic was going to turn dark - I do believe it is beyond doubt that we have reached that point now, and I feel it is only fair that I let you know a few things going into the next several chapters:**

**1) Yes, there is still more angst to be had here, I'm sorry for that. It is what I have had planned from the beginning, but I do promise that I will end it on a positive note. I hope that can ease your conscious for now. ^_~**

**2) Character death: I have no intentions of killing any of the cannon characters beyond what happens in ROTF.**

**3) Yes, this fic is following through ROTF and I do not intend to change the story that lays within the Bay created TF verse - only to give it some more substance; to explain a few things we may not have felt made sense.**

**4) I don't know how many of you have noticed my timeline - I have taken a few creative licenses with the amount of time that passes in ROTF as I thought was reasonable. For example; Sam's trip to collage didn't take one afternoon - I counted it as more like a few days. Why? Well, I had always assumed Tranquility was in California. Kind of hard to drive that in just an afternoon, eh? Also, another example that has not yet arrived, but will, is that Sam arrives on day one, then goes to see Optimus, and then has the party, and then goes to class. I have taken the liberty to say that he arrived a few days before classes began.**

**Anyway! Any further questions about my timeline; feel free to ask and I will address them as best as I can.**

**Mostly, I just wanted to warn any concerned readers about the darkness, and if more readers feel that I should raise the rating, please feel free to let me know. Thank you.  
**

* * *

_Journal entry; something is amiss..._

_ You know how sometimes you can just feel it in the air when__ things aren't right? Well, given my situation, I suppose not much _was_ right at all, but I still had this sudden sensation that something just wasn't right._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How are you feeling, Autobot?" Starscream studied the golden mech in his cell. He was intensely fascinated by the prospect of same-spark twins, but even more so in the fact that these twins had developed a third sibling bond with a non-sibling. The fact that it was with an alien was so beyond probability no one had ever considered it.

However, Sunstreaker was frustratingly defiant. Somehow, through all of Scalpel's administrations, the mech had remained silent and stoic. Not even a cooling fan running too high. Starscream ran random scans just to make sure the mech hadn't fallen into stasis. Despite earlier evidence, Starscream was beginning to doubt that the bond extended to the second twin.

"Talk to me, front-liner."

"I have nothing to say to you, Screamer. Go away."

A small smile crept over Starscream's face. He took Sunstreaker's words as a success on his part. They showed his mounting frustrations, his tone edging on deeper distractions. Maybe there was something there after all. "Oh, but you have plenty to say, Autobot. You've already spoken volumes in your reactions alone. However, you can make all of this easier on everyone if you would simply speak to me. Tell me how this...connection with the human is affecting you."

Sunstreaker only glared. Inside, he was screaming with agony. It had taken a huge effort to block the sensations he received from Aurian from affecting him visibly. He could only imagine the damage it was doing to him internally though. He could have dampened his connection with the woman so that he only felt a faint echo of her suffering, but he couldn't bear the thought of leaving her to such agony alone. He wanted her to know that he was here, even if there was nothing he could do for her, he was still here.

"I could do this the hard way. Tap your systems, hardwire you to an external recording device and just get my information that way – but it just wouldn't be as informative as what you can tell me. For science..."

"Frag you to the Pit, you glitched piece of slag. I won't help you with anything."

"Fool, that's where you're wrong." The Decepticon Lord withdrew his null ray and pointed it at the Autobot. "If it is the hard way you wish, that is the way it will be done, but I _will_ get the information I seek."

::Lord Starscream!:: The transmission was sudden, and full of tense urgency.

::What is it, Thundercracker? I'm busy.::

::I know, but there is something of grave importance you need to see. Immediately.::

::What could be more important than...::

::The Fallen is here.::

Starscream stopped everything: moving, cycling air, pumping energon, processing, everything. ::Who?::

::Exactly who you thought I didn't say; The Fallen. He is here and he's demanding to see Megatron.::

* * *

First Aid crept through the halls as quietly as he could, doing his best to act like he knew where he was going, like he was supposed to be there. There was a reason he wasn't a spy: hiding was never his strong suit. Well, that and the fact that he had more interest in healing than harming.

At first, he had been nervous that he would be caught, but as each breem passed and the only things he saw were preoccupied drones, his confidence grew. 'They don't seem to care,' he thought to himself as yet another cluster of drones passed by him.

Turning down another corridor that looked just like all the others he had passed through, the medic stopped himself from venting in frustration. 'Lost. Great.' He continued down the hall without hesitation. If the drones thought he didn't know where he was, or what he was doing, they would likely register that he wasn't supposed to be here.

What he couldn't help but to wonder was why the drones looked so preoccupied.

A door to his left hissed open, more drones pouring out – though these were different from the normal maintenance drones – and very different from the warrior drones – that normally paced the hallways. They were small, simplistic, and had a rather pleasant hum around them. "Caregivers?" He couldn't believe that he was seeing caregiver drones here. Why would Decepticons have caregivers when they had been the ones to destroy all the sparklings, what use for the peaceful, simple, drones?

His curiosity piqued; First Aid followed the drones as they made their way unobtrusively down the hall to another door. Instantly upon entering, he knew where he was: the science lab. Every thought he had came screeching to a halt as his curiosity and confusion over the caregiver drones was replaced by what he had been looking for.

"Jazz?" He called out softly, not wanting to alert anyone to his presence, but wanting to let his fellow Autobot know he was there. It seemed pointless, even to himself, to try to achieve both goals at the same time, so he took a moment to look over the room, scanning as much as he was able. There was no one here but the drones, and that worried him.

"Jazz?" He called a little louder, but still there was no answer. The lack of response actually concerned him far less than the enormous lack of spark resonance. 'Maybe Sunstreaker was wrong...maybe they mislead him intentionally...' First Aid raced to any hopeful thought that was better than what he feared he would find here.

"W-wheeljack?" If they had taken him to the medical facility, wouldn't they take the scientist to the science lab? It made sense, but still – there was no spark resonance here. "Just look around, look for anything, then get back," he coached himself, taking quick steps around the edge of the lab. There were things here that he knew what horrors could be done with, had seen the end result of such devices. He did his best to ignore them. Instead he focused on looking for anything helpful, any sign that maybe Wheeljack or Jazz had once been here, something to tell him he was on the right path.

Deeper into the lab, he found small forms scattered here and there. At first, he couldn't make any sense of them, but as he studied them, he realized he recognized parts of them. These were Scalpel's projects. "Deactivated..." every last one was deactivated. Some were cut open, splayed out so that every part could be seen. First Aid's spark ached to see it. They may not have been sentient, but they had been alive, even if only briefly. They did not deserve to be treated this way – though even he could not help but to find what he saw...interesting.

The experiments had been wretched failures, none had reached any kind of fruition that could be considered successful, but he had never seen the failed projects. They looked Cybertronian, mostly, but there were telltale signs of their host's biology to them.

A faint sound brought First Aid's attention back to his surroundings. Standing before him was a small 'bot, not a mini-bot – it was smaller than that – and not a drone, but still unusual non-the-less. Even more striking, he realized, was that it was a femme.

"Who are you?"

The femme tipped her head as though she did not understand what First Aid was saying, then made the same soft sound she had before. It was a sound that spoke directly to the deepest ingrained programming in First Aid's processor and spark.

"You're a sparkling?"

Again came the sound. It was like some mix of a purr and a chirp, and yet like no sound at all.

Looking at the sparkling femme, dawning realization began to leak into First Aid's processor. All the previous experiments with human femmes, Starscream's obsession, what they were doing with Aurian...

"You're the first one, the one they're trying to reproduce!" Forgetting all the failed projects laying around him, First Aid approached the femme. She was already about Aurian's height. "They must have upgraded your protoform already. I can only imagine what kind of havoc that caused to your systems." Medical programming overriding everything else, First Aid started scanning the small 'bot, only to find that he couldn't quite understand everything he was getting back. Nothing seemed life threatening though, so he had to be satisfied with that. "What are they doing with you? Why are you here, in the science lab?"

The caregiver drones came to surround the strange sparkling femme. "Come now," they all spoke together in the human language Aurian spoke – one of the languages First Aid had been forced to download so that he could attempt to communicate with the previous projects. Scalpel liked First Aid knowing what the organics said – he said that way whatever data could be recovered from their screams would be more likely to be heard. "It is time for your recharge and energon," they spoke softly, sweetly – it was almost like a real creator would coo to their sparklings – but it was all programmed into them. None of it was real.

"Wait!" First Aid reached for the sparkling, capturing a hand before the caretakers could sweep her away from him. "What will this sparkling be programmed for?"

The drones just stared at the white mech. Their programming did not identify him as anyone of any concern to them, and they saw him as no threat to their charge, so they dislodged his hand from hers and continued to escort the sparkling to her programmed schedule.

First Aid hurried to follow. He wanted answers, but more than that, he wanted to stay near the sparkling. It was the first he had seen in so long; his spark ached with the thought of her being gone from his sight. That is until his optics strayed for a klik to a corner of the lab he had yet to investigate.

"Oh, Primus...no."

* * *

'Tell me what's going on,' Sideswipe demanded again of his bond. He had been able to force Sunstreaker to heed him once, but since then he had not been able to gain that same control over their bond again. 'Tell me what's going on.'

Sunstreaker was dampening their bond, almost completely closing it off with the strength of his denial. Sideswipe had gone through dang near every stage of rage he had ever known: not to mention fear and despair. Now he was simply resigned to pestering his twin until he responded. Any attempt to reach Aurian was blocked by Sunstreaker as well – which was frustrating, but even more terrifying than having the human herself dampen their bond.

'Sunny, tell me what is going on!' Sideswipe's engine revved with his mounting annoyance, drawing the attention of several of the humans around him.

He was currently tucked away in one of the stateside N.E.S.T. base's hangers, under strict orders to remain in his alt mode and to make no attempt to communicate with the humans there. Something about new recruits or some slag of that type. Sideswipe couldn't honestly say he had been listening.

"Hey," one of the humans whispered as he came to lean against Sideswipe's hood. "Keep it down."

As much as Sideswipe wanted to tell the man where he could shove it, he knew that would only make the situation worse. Obviously, the 'new recruits' here were not yet cleared to actually meet with any of their Cybertronian allies, but the 'bots responding to Optimus's call had little options of places to go. They were currently on stand by; awaiting further orders.

Of course, that meant the others had ample time to study Sideswipe and his unusual behaviors.

::What is getting you so geared up?:: Ironhide finally broached the communication silence they had subconsciously been holding.

::Nothing,:: Sideswipe snapped, stunting the rev that was building in his engine again.

::If that is nothing, I would hate to see when something actually was getting under your armor...:: Arcee said with a hint of a tease to her voice. ::Come on, Sides. We can all see something's got your circuits heated – just tell us what's going on.::

Sideswipe tried to ignore the questioning pings he was now getting from every 'bot in the hangar, each one promising that it couldn't be as bad as he was making it seem. 'Sunstreaker, what is happening? Why are you blocking me?'

::Sideswipe, are you feeling all right?:: Jolt prodded softly over a private line. He knew there was something about the stiffness in the front-liner, something just not quite right in his friend's behavior. Sideswipe wasn't usually the one to overreact; that was Sunstreaker's prerogative. ::Do you need to go back to base?::

::No!:: This time Sideswipe's entire frame shuddered. ::I'm going to find whatever Decepticons there are on this slag pit of a planet and I'm going to _destroy_ them if they don't...::

Jolt waited almost two whole breems before he pressed again. ::If they don't what, Sides?::

'Talk to me, _please_.' Sideswipe turned his focus back to his bonds; Aurian's was still frustratingly silent and blocked, almost viciously, by Sunstreaker. 'Just tell me she's still alive, Sunny. Can you at least do that?'

::Sideswipe, I'm not going to leave you alone. You're suffering...has something happened to Sunstreaker?::

::No...:: Sideswipe hesitated; they knew Sunstreaker, Jazz, and Barricade had vanished off the base now. The humans had confirmed no sightings of any of the 'bots, and none could be reached by comm. That left Sideswipe's bond with Sunstreaker as their only means of contact. They didn't know where the missing 'bots had gone, they didn't know that Aurian had gone with them – that she had lead the other's into their current situation. ::Yes,:: he finally admitted.

::Does he need assistance?::

::More than we can give...:: The realization of the whole situation was beginning to settle somewhere deep in his inner workings, chilling him to the very core of his being. There wasn't anything he could do, anything _they_ could do. Sunstreaker had made that perfectly clear. ::I don't even know where they are, he won't talk to me.::

::What do you mean?:: Jolt sent a burst to the others, informing them he was speaking with Sideswipe and that he would find the answers to all of their questions, but that there might be a serious situation at hand.

::I'm not sure...not on everything, but Starscream has Aurian and the others.::

Jolt's frame rocked from his shock. ::What? How?::

::I don't know!:: The frustrated front-liner roared. ::Neither of them will answer me!:: He pushed the bonds again, demanding and begging all at the same time. 'Sunstreaker!'

'Sides, please stop...I can't take both of you screaming.'

Hearing his twin's worn out, stressed response, Sideswipe decided that he would have been happier not hearing anything at all. 'What's going on? You haven't said a word in joors, and why are you blocking me from Aurian?'

'Because I told her I would. Just let me handle this, Sides.'

'Yeah, because it's going _so_ well so far!'

'Sides! Now is _not_ the time!' There was pain in Sunstreaker's voice. Not physical pain – that was something he knew his twin could handle – but emotional pain. It was rare that something got to Sunstreaker enough to cause him emotional discomfort, his twin had simply blocked out everything that could hurt him. 'Please, just focus on...whatever it is you're doing and let me deal with this.'

::Sideswipe?:: Ironhide couldn't ignore the obvious distress of the younger mech any longer.

::Leave me alone!:: Sideswipe couldn't take it anymore, he had to get away from everyone. His engine roared to life and he did just that, speeding from the hanger, past the handful of humans, tossing the one that had leaned against him off in the process.

::Sideswipe! Get back here now!:: It took all of Ironhide's restraint not to chase after the defiant warrior mech.

::Jolt, tell us what he said,:: Ratchet demanded, even as he sent a second message to Ironhide to allow the front-liner to run out his frustrations.

::Starscream has captured Sunstreaker, Jazz, Aurian, and Barricade...::

::Captured?:: Arcee growled with alarm. ::Or did Barricade hand them over?::

::I don't think right now is the time for speculation,:: Ratchet said before further accusations could be made. ::How did he get them?::

::I don't know,:: Jolt was still trying to get Sideswipe to respond to him, but the mech was outright ignoring him now. ::I don't think Sides does either.::

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; sometimes you just don't want to know_

_ While I slept, and while First Aid prowled around the Decepticon base, I searched for answers by whatever means I could get them. This meant scouring the 'Parking Lot', my soul, my subconscious, and all of that inner perspective kind of stuff. It's funny the things you can accomplish when you're aware of your unconsciousness._

_ What I found was the doppelganger lurking in the darkness of my mind like a remorseful wisp of a ghost. Something about that alone was disturbing, but the words she spoke were the epitome of disconcerting._

_ "This is not the way it was suppose to be."_

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**Remember:**

~April is Wheeljack appreciation month! Throughout the month of April I encourage everyone who has ever loved the *enter your prefix here* Autobot Inventor to create something in honor of his mere awesomeness. A sketch, a oneshot, a songfic, WHATEVER! Or, if those are not your slice of pie - just share the news with the rest of our TF fandom family. ^_~ I hope to have a oneshot up and posted before the end of the month as tribute. If you do something, feel free to share it with me in a PM and I will put it in the ending notes of the chapters posted for the next few weeks.

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	95. Journal Entry 95

_ "__What do you mean this isn't the way it's supposed to be? I've done everything you wanted me to do!"_

_ "As we have said before; we do not control everything. We did not intend for this to happen."_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Aurian started awake suddenly, a wave of despair settling around her. The med-bay was silent, almost dark.

"Hello?" She looked around, being mindful of the dull throbbing in her abdomen. The pain had subsided, and as long as she was careful, she hoped she could keep it from coming back full force. "First Aid?" Her mind was foggy, but she remembered where she was, and she remembered that First Aid had snuck away to try and find the others. Had he been caught? "First Aid?" She called again, her voice raising a few pitches with her fear.

Then the door opened slightly, just enough for the white mech to slip back into the room.

"Gods, First Aid, I was afraid they had caught you!" Her tone had dropped, but the residual fear still lingered.

"No...nobody saw me." He sounded like he had when Aurian had first heard the captured medic speak; defeated.

"What did you find?"

First Aid stayed near the door, facing it with his hands still resting on it. He almost wished he had never dared leave the med-bay-turned-prison. Sometimes, not knowing was better than the truth. "I...didn't find the others, but I found out where some of them are being kept. I found a log in the lab of prisoners brought in; it listed their cell locations. I'll have to try to reach them some other way; it's too close to the officers' quarters for me to be able to sneak by."

"Wheeljack wasn't in the lab?" There was something else; Aurian could just feel that First Aid wasn't telling her about _something_. Of course, she doubted that she really wanted to know if the gentle mech wasn't willing to tell her; it was probably very bad.

A slight tremble of fear struck her, and she reached out for Sunstreaker. Had they deactivated him while she slept? Wouldn't she have known?

'I'm still here,' the mech assured her groggily. 'How are you holding up?'

"I'm alive, need I say more?"

There was a brush, almost like sympathy, through their bond before Sunstreaker let the attentive connection lapse to the less energy-consuming emotional state it normally settled into. He was exhausted; Aurian could feel that as clearly as she could feel her own weariness. She sent him her sorrow for his pain, and her appreciation for his help, which was responded to by a sense of loyalty and strong will to endure.

"What?" First Aid turned to see what the human was doing. Her statement seemed so random and out of place.

"Sunstreaker," she explained. It had been difficult to try and explain the bond between the twins and herself, but First Aid had seemed receptive – even if he didn't fully believe her.

"Oh. How is he?"

"Holding up." Aurian sighed. The guilt she felt for his suffering was pretty deep, but even that couldn't overwhelm her fear of being alone enough to make her try and dampen her connection to him too. It was hard enough to do it to Sideswipe – she was sure she couldn't dampen both bonds through everything. Especially since she needed Sunstreaker to help her keep Sideswipe's bond closed off. "Anyway," she tried to refocus away from that spiral of thoughts, "back to Wheeljack..."

"He wasn't there, but I think they have him working there. I saw some stuff that looks like his handiwork. I can only imagine what they've got him building."

"Did you find Jazz?"

First Aid had known it was coming, but that didn't mean he had come up with a suitable answer. "I..."

Before he could say anything more, the door slammed open leaving First Aid stumbling to get away from the rather large 'bot that was entering.

"Where _is_ it?" The booming voice demanded.

Aurian could only stare at the large, gray mass of a mech as he entered, red eyes burning with scarcely restrained violence. He stormed into the med bay, kicking First Aid out of his way as he did. Fear tore through Aurian, along with deep, painful dread. There was no mistaking who this mech was, despite the modifications made to his frame, and his presence here was pure testament to her failure to stop his resurrection.

"Megatron..."

Scalpel came scuttling in around Megatron's oddly shaped feet, cackling something in their native dialect that seemed to amuse him to no end. Behind them came Starscream, and lingering at the door was Barricade.

Megatron glared down at where Aurian was warring with the seeming paralysis that had come over her. "Is this the flesh-bag you spoke of?"

"Yes," Scalpel cooed as he scrambled up the table, his pointed claws caressing her as he came to stand on her stomach. "Zis is ze only one that vas successful, all ze ozers deactivated before reaching realization. Such a shame."

"And what," Megatron's burning gaze slid to where the seeker stood, "inspired you to attempt something so...inane?"

"With all due respect, Lord Megatron, the number of available soldiers is rather lacking. Not to mention..."

Megatron cut Starscream off with a snarling string of Cybertronian that made the seeker flinch. "Useless waste of energon," he finished as he turned his focus back on the human that was the cause of his current foul mood. "Lucky for you, Starscream, I think I know how to turn this blunder into something beneficial. Tell me, fleshling; you have been close with the Autobot faction, you must know of that other Autobot pet – Samuel James Witwicky."

* * *

Wheeljack continued his work with almost obsessive attention to the minutest details; after all, one tiny imperfection and the whole thing would be useless. He was so engrossed that he hadn't heard the mortified cries of an organic that had been dragged into the lab by some of the less sensitive Decepticon soldier drones, but he did notice as the one functional sparkling was trotted right past his workstation by the encouraging caregiver drones.

"Hey, what're ya doin' with..." as he tracked the progress of the sparkling and the caregivers, he realized that there was another organic present. "I thought ya found th' organic ya' wanted; why ya bringin' in another one?"

The drones completely ignored Wheeljack, continuing along with their orders as they were told. The sparkling approached the organic – a femme, if Wheeljack remembered correctly – with long, messy, golden hair, and bright blue eyes, wrapped in a simple blue cloth. She was a slender thing, and she was completely terrified.

With a little prodding, the sparkling approached the organic femme. Wheeljack listened in rapt horror as the drones instructed the sparkling how to scan the organic form. The sparkling was too young to transform, let alone the thought of her being able to duplicate a complex organic form in the way they were describing. The process was difficult, near impossible, which was why there were so few organic mimicking transformers. He was about to tell them this when, before his very optics, the sparkling duplicated the organic's form near perfectly – right down to the simple blue wrappings the organic femme had worn.

"Now, go with the soldier drones," one of the caregivers instructed with its kind voice, specifically programmed to cater to the attention span of a young 'bot, "and complete your purpose."

"Purpose? What purpose can a half-developed sparklin' have?" None of the drones paid Wheeljack any mind as they continued about their business. "What purpose?" He demanded one more time as the drones left him alone in the lab. They had even taken the human femme - probably to her deactivation.

With a frustrated shunt of air, the displaced inventor turned back to his workstation. He looked over the small sacs he had been constructing and filling with an energon concoction specially designed to support the tiny realized newsparks Scalpel was developing. It bothered him at that moment that he had never asked where the strange little sparks had come from – they were something between a freshly realized spark and a half-developed organic embryo. They were beautiful in their own right, strange and strong. Stronger than any newspark he had ever seen before, but they still required support from an energon source.

He had come up with the design based on the information provided him by Scalpel; the sacs supported the physical state of the sparklings – even growing with them as they developed – and a separate, pillar like station that would supply the sacs with fresh energon and a living spark substitute. Of course, there had been need for a more personal touch – that was where the caregiver drones had been brought in. Wheeljack had built them as well, though he had only been allowed to give them the most basic of programming – someone else added the fine details to allow them to care for the youths through each stage of their development, from the moment they were placed in their development sacs until they were able to function on their own. The only problem was the newsparks had not been reaching that final stage of development.

Somewhere, between realization and reaching sparklinghood, the sparks weakened and then faded. Whatever research Scalpel had gained recently might have changed that issue, they could only wait and see.

At first Wheeljack had been absolutely steadfast in his refusal to help the Decepticons in whatever their foolish plans were, he would let them destroy him, he had thought he preferred that option to whatever consequences would have come of helping Starscream. That is until he realized the possibilities of what the Decepticons had discovered. It had been enough to lure his inventor programming to override his common sense.

"Ah knew this was gonna happen." Even though he had known better, he had fallen too deeply into the thoughts of what he could do and forgot about the repercussions. It wasn't the first time he had done something like that, and he hated to think that this probably wouldn't be the last. It was the inventor's curse, the want to know – to make something better than it was, or to make something new out of something old. It didn't always turn out well, but in his processor that didn't matter while he was doing it. The only things that ever mattered in those moments were the possibilities.

Guilt wracked Wheeljack as he looked around the lab he had spent so much time in, cooperating with the Decepticons simply because he was too curiosity driven to realize his mistake. It was almost like he was seeing it all for the first time. Like he hadn't actually been there, doing what he had done. It just wasn't real.

His gaze finally settled on the ultimate blow to his sensibilities. How long had he let Jazz lay there in stasis lock; abandoned because of his distraction? He had looked at his comrade's motionless frame several times, the thought of trying to help him had even crossed his processor several times, but he had always been drawn away by the newsparks.

"Ah can fix this..." Wheeljack coached himself. He wasn't a medic, but he knew the basics. Hopefully, that would be enough to get the saboteur functional again. Jazz was in emergency stasis lock, only a pulse away from deactivation, but it was repairable, and with everything the inventor had at his current disposal, it was theoretically possible. "Ah hope."

* * *

Sideswipe could feel pressure. It was like everything was pushing outwards, trying to escape, and at the same time pulling inwards, trying to consume him. There was no emotion and no words, just that _pressure_. He didn't know if he wanted to hit something, or to shut down, to yell and scream until he finally felt something else, or to just completely close himself off so he didn't feel it at all. It was driving him insane, but after Sunstreaker's last words, he was reluctant to press his twin for anything more. Still...waiting had never been something he was good at, so inside his spark was nothing short of chaos.

It had been about a joor since he had run out of the hangar, the front-liner was honestly surprised Ironhide wasn't already on his aft about defying direct orders; however, he suspected that they were all keeping close tabs on him. They had all been a little too attentive to his every move since they had discovered Jazz and Sunstreaker's plane had landed somewhere other than their designated zone. When both 'bots had seemingly vanished, everyone had turned to Sideswipe for answers. _'Where did Sunstreaker go? What trouble is he up to? Are they hurt?...'_ and hundreds more, but Sideswipe had not had any answers.

Aurian had gone silent, and then Sunstreaker refused to answer him...everything had been so confusing for a long while and then when he finally _did_ get some answers...

'Sides,' Sunstreaker's voice startled him as it burst through their bond. His twin was angry, confused, and most of all, worried. 'They brought back Megatron.'

'What? How?' He was almost too relieved to hear from his twin to fully register what Sunstreaker had actually said. Megatron was back? Hadn't Aurian said something about that once before? 'The shard...' Aurian had been afraid that the Decepticons would use the shard to bring back Megatron. Apparently, her fears had been more than just her traumatized mind creating more nightmares.

'Yeah, and it looks like he's after Sam again. You gotta get to him. Tell Optimus.' There was a wave of deep, aggressive, frustration that completely overwhelmed Sideswipe for a moment. 'Aurian is convinced that Megatron is going to deactivate Optimus.'

'Not if I have anything to say about it,' Sideswipe snarled viciously. ::Ironhide, I just heard from Sunstreaker. Megatron is back and he's after Sam.::

::Get back here. I will contact Optimus.::

'Sunny...'

'You focus on Sam; I'll take care of Aurian.'

The conviction in Sunstreaker's voice was enough at the moment for Sideswipe. His twin would do his best to protect their human sister, and Sunstreaker's best usually sent several sparks that dared to get in his way to the matrix. He turned his focus to his new mission; save Sam.

* * *

Barricade had been standing in front of these doors for several breems. He had come to these same doors every cycle since he had discovered what had been contained behind them, but he had never gone beyond the barrier. It wasn't really that he was afraid; it was more that he felt he did not deserve to cross that boundary. However, with Megatron back, the proverbial moral high ground was quickly sinking to his level.

Drones pushed past him, hardly acknowledging his presence as they proceeded about their tasks. It was the drones that had provided him glimpses of what lay beyond the doors so he didn't so much mind their blatant disregard of him. This time; however, he followed them through. He simply couldn't waste time taking glimpses every now and again, not if he was going to do anything to prevent what he knew would surely come.

Once through the doors, the hunter froze. In his glimpses through the doors, he had seen only a few pillars containing various levels of developing sparks. Never had he imagined _this _was what was actually contained here. The entire storage bay had been converted into a massive sparkling incubating unit. There were too many to count, and at all levels of development. It was overwhelming to say the very least. He had hacked into the research files, and he had read what they had been doing, but how had they made so _many_?

He was jostled from his awestruck dysfunction by a drone pushing a cart filled with lifeless forms. Looking closer, he realized that they were some of the more developed sparklings – not yet fully formed, but so very close. They looked as though they had faded from some kind of deprivation, but he couldn't understand why. From everything he could see here, there was no reason for the sparks to be deprived. Not unless they were being deprived for some reason.

This drove him to inspect each of the pillars and their contents. What he found was that the sparklings that had been there the longest; by all that he had learned they were the ones most likely created using the other human femmes; were expiring faster than the caregiver drones could tend to their shells. It was a hard sight to watch. One klik they were seemingly healthy, twitching, little sparks, and in the next, their sparks were gone and their shells were still. Their sacs were still connected to the pillars that were feeding them the energon they needed, yet they looked starved. It made no sense. Of course, he was no medic, and no scientist, so if there was no obvious reason for it, he wasn't likely to see it.

Barricade was about to abandon this place for the atrocity it was when he saw that a large concentration of caregivers were focused around a few of the pillars. Every bit of their skills going to these fresh newsparks. He was drawn to them; something about them was different than all the rest. Even the ones that looked only a few cycles older than them. They were brighter, somehow, exuding a sense of life.

He watched as one caregiver gently removed one of the sacs containing a bright sparkling and transferred it to a pillar with several of the more dull sparklings. The reaction was unbelievable as the sparklings closest to the bright spark started to perk, their sparks growing brighter until they matched that of the bright spark. Then the caregiver repeated the process, taking one of the newly brightened sparks and placing it next to more dull sparks with similar results.

"How is that possible?" He hadn't realized he had spoken until one of the caregivers looked up at him. "What is happening?"

The caregiver smiled sweetly, the way it was programmed to do, and held up one of the newly brightened sparks. "When there is desire to live, life will grow strong."

Barricade thought the caregiver's words were nothing more than a preprogrammed motivation for encouraging young sparks, but as it placed the newly brightened spark next to a spark that was almost completely dark, he caught on. The bright sparks were strong in will. They had life within them and their strength gave the dull sparks the same desire. It was contagious amongst such vulnerable newsparks, and as he watched, it went from only a few bright pillars to several.

It gave him hope, and it also filled him with a sickening dread. Megatron would not be happy with this at all, of that he had been sure of long before he had witnessed the sheer mass of this project. The only thing stopping the resurrected Decepticon Lord from destroying it all was the distraction of The Fallen currently residing within the ship. Barricade was sure that it wouldn't be long before things would turn poorly for these sparks...but what was he going to do about it?

* * *

_Journal entry _continued_; out of control_

_ It was happening. I could see it all clear as day now; everything I had witnessed on my seemingly normal television in the 'Parking Lot' was happening and I had done nothing to deter any of it! Megatron was back and he was going to kill Optimus...and Sam. By the Gods, I had to do something!_

_ I had warned Sunstreaker, and begged him to convince the others – to make Sideswipe make them believe. He told me that they were on their way to get Sam to safety..._

_ The impression in my head kept telling me that this wasn't the way it was supposed to be...but that this was the way it was going to happen now. 'I'm sorry', she said, 'but there was an alteration to the intended program.'_

_ 'Intended program?' What the Hell was that supposed to mean?_

_ Once I realized that Scalpel wasn't coming back for a while, I dedicated myself to hunting down that mother-impersonating-THING and getting some straight answers._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**Remember:**

~April is Wheeljack appreciation month! Throughout the month of April I encourage everyone who has ever loved the *enter your prefix here* Autobot Inventor to create something in honor of his mere awesomeness. A sketch, a oneshot, a songfic, WHATEVER! Or, if those are not your slice of pie - just share the news with the rest of our TF fandom family. ^_~ I hope to have a oneshot up and posted before the end of the month as tribute. If you do something, feel free to share it with me in a PM and I will put it in the ending notes of the chapters posted for the next few weeks.

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	96. Journal Entry 96

**_Ladies and gentlemen and anyone else that may be reading this at this time: Here is chapter 96, completely unedited and unbeta'ed because of my deepest guilt for leaving you all with no updates for 2 whole weeks. What happened? My 2 year old decided my laptop needed a bath. It didn't end well. Luckily I lost no information and only had to replace the keyboard. I just got my sweet lap warmer back this evening, so I finished up this chapter and pushed it out for you._**

**_I am not entirely happy with this chapter - there are a lot of things I don't like about it, but it gets my points out none the less. I hope you can enjoy it and forgive me the lack of past update._**

* * *

****_Journal entry; well...crap_

_ I didn't really want answers..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Why can't I stop this!"

"Darling...dear one," the doppelganger brushed stray hairs from Aurian's face. She sat on the table beside the woman who was still unable to convince her body to overcome the pain. "Listen to us, carefully. You have done everything you are capable of doing."

"No! I can do more! I can...just tell me what to do to stop it!"

"Sweetheart, you cannot. We know...we know you have the desire, but you no longer have the means."

"Why? I have done _everything_ you drove me to do! I'm _here_, by the Gods, what more could I have done?"

"No more, child. Things did not play out as they were supposed to."

"The 'intended program'," Aurian snapped. "What 'intended program' is _this_!" She was so angry, and so desperate to have answers.

"Let us tell you a story. We haven't got a lot of time, but we think that this may help."

"Help what?"

"Help you to understand what we have done." The not-mother shifted around so that Aurian's head lay in her lap and she continued to run her fingers through her hair gently. "Long ago, our children were peaceful. They coexisted without conflict. The times were good.

"Then, danger came and our children were not prepared to defend themselves. It was a terrifying time of uncertainty when we had to consider what would come of our children if they did not learn to fight back, so we taught them. We gave them programming to want to defend themselves...but things did not go as planned. Some were far more receptive than others. At first it seemed as nothing more than civil disputes – the more accepting children of the programming trying to protect those with less aggression in their programming, though not all appreciated their efforts. It was all to protect each other, the intentions were good.

"However, the programming went wrong. We did not anticipate that it would mutate through the generations so deeply it could divide our children so completely. We tried to remove the programming, but that failed and war broke out." The doppelganger sighed as though the thought of what had happened troubled her deeply. "We tried again and again, but each time more problems evolved of the previous ones."

Aurian was putting together the history of Cybertron as the not-mother spoke. She had to admit, that from what she knew of Cybertonian history – both from her not entirely dependable fandom knowledge, and from what she had learned from Sideswipe – it made some things more understandable. "What does that have to do with this? With _now_?"

"We misjudged again, in a similar way as before. We are reluctant to try and repair the damage for fear of making it all worse."

"You're giving up?"

"We will never give up on our children. There are still...options."

"But not what you had planned..."

"Not exactly what we had planned, no."

"Why?" Aurian was frustrated. She felt cheated; everything that she had given up, everything that she had been through, was it all for nothing?

"Sweetheart, if we knew that, we could have stopped it before it occurred." The not-mother smiled sadly at Aurian. "The Fallen was never to be reactivated from his stasis. He must be dealt with, and that is why we will have to separate from you."

"Separate? Like last time?"

"Yes."

"For how long?" Aurian realized that she didn't want this impression to leave her, not now. She had grown so accustomed to it being there that she wasn't sure how she was going to deal with it being gone. The last time it had left her, she had felt empty, like something was missing.

"We are not sure. Perhaps only a few days, or it could be permanent."

"Permanent..." there was a slight tremor to her voice, "I...don't want you to go."

"I know, dearest."

Aurian wasn't sure how long she lay there, letting the not-mother treat her as her mother would have; comforting her and assuring her that she had done everything she could have. Aurian didn't feel that way. She felt cheated; like she had done all the work, studied all she could, went the extra mile, and still failed the test somehow. She didn't know what to do, so, she reached out to the beings at the ends of her bonds. She needed more than this false mother to soothe her aching soul.

"Sunny, can you stop blocking Sides for now? They haven't been back for a while and I...think that maybe we should all..."

'Don't make this sound like a goodbye, Aurian,' Sunstreaker warned, though the treat in his tone remained only in his tone; the emotions connected to them were more on the fearful side. 'We're getting out of here.'

She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I know," she lied. How could she not with vulnerable Sunstreaker had sounded? "I just think that maybe, in case something were to happen..."

'Nothing is going to happen!'

"All right Sunny, nothing will happen...but I still would like to talk to you both for a while. I'm feeling a little lonely."

'Where's First Aid?'

"He's trying to get back to the lab again, he's sure he'll find Wheeljack there. He's hoping that between the two of them, they'll figure out how to get the others out of the other cell block. It seems Starscream decided to keep you far away from them."

'That doesn't surprise me. Between the two of them? No wonder you want to say your goodbyes now...'

"Sunstreaker!" She would have been upset with him, but Aurian could clearly feel a wavering hope in Sunstreaker's bond. He didn't want to believe in that tiny little hope too much, though, for fear of being hurt worse if the inventor and medic failed. "You're such a pessimist sometimes."

'It's called 'experience'. Someday, you'll understand.' As Sunstreaker spoke, Aurian could feel the block he was holding in place lift. It felt like a relieve three times around – on her end, to be reconnected with the mech she had first experienced the strange bond with; for Sunstreaker because he no longer had to expend the energy to keep the block in place; and of course for Sideswipe, who had been left in the dark for too long as far as he was concerned.

'Aurian!' She could almost feel him physically jumping on their bond as she timidly sought him out. 'Primus...you're okay, right? Are you okay? What did they do to you? Where are you?'

"Sides, please...hush."

She felt his relief and vortex of questions slam into the proverbial brick wall at her words. 'No.' He reached out to her through their bond, embracing every part of her she would allow him to touch. 'Don't you dare even think about it!'

"Sides, I"m not..."

'You _are_, I can feel it!'

Aurian took a deep breath. She thought briefly about how, once, what seemed like long ago, there wasn't someone who could feel her feelings and know what those feelings probably meant. "Sideswipe, I can't help how I'm feeling."

They were all quiet for a while, simply feeling each other and assessing what their individual situations were. Sideswipe was currently heading to meet with Optimus and the others, but had fallen back when Aurian and reached for him. Sunstreaker was drifting between pure exhaustion and sheer determination. Aurian was...well, she was trying to just focus on the feeling of the twins and their drive to protect her, their want to save her, and their love of her. They did love her, and she loved them and there was nothing that could change that.

"I wish that I could go to the Matrix," Aurian finally spoke, breaking the silence between them. "At least then I would I would get to see you guys again, someday."

Grief that had been barely held back flooded the bonds from all three beings. Aurian couldn't help the despair she felt, and speaking those words aloud seemed to have breached that final barrier she had held within her. The twins could not deny that they would miss her if she were to die; there was no promise of the final reunion expressed by all Cybertrionians - 'when all are one' - for them. When she was gone, that would be the end of it as far as they knew. Sure, they could cling to the hope that maybe the idea of the Matrix, and the human's varied beliefs in the afterlife could coincide, but none of them believed it.

'You'll have plenty of time to see us when we get the Pit out of here,' Sunstreaker growled, dismissing his own aching spark. It was hard for him to overlook the way Aurian was just giving in. From the moment he had met the frustrating human femme, she had fought, and struggled, and defied every reasonable thing that came at her. Why, _why _was she rolling over now?

Aurian felt Sunstreaker's frustration, and Sideswipe's too. They were frustrated that they couldn't do anything right that moment to convince her that things were going to be okay. She decided that, should this be the end for her, this was not the way she wanted them to remember her. So, she started flooding their bonds with every good memory she could recall. Anything from simple conversations they had to nights she had spent near one of them; how they had always been there for her and how much she had depended on that very thing. It was because of them that she had been able to hold on in some of the worst moments. The thoughts, and emotions attached to them, were doing wonders for bolstering their spirits.

Or, they were, until one of the most shocking sensations Aurian had ever felt came tearing through Sideswipe's end of their bond; Optimus had just been offlined...

* * *

"Any luck?" First Aid leaned over the console that Wheeljack had dismantled and was now trying to piece back together.

"If by luck, you mean I haven't set anythin' on fire yet – yeah, tons o' luck." The inventor kept finding more and more safeguards and firewalls every time he cycled air – whatever Decepticon had put this system together was more paranoid than Red Alert himself. "How's it goin' with Jazz?"

"He's stable. I can't say much – there's little I can do for him without...well...a proper med bay, not some torture room excuse for one."

"Right," Wheeljack had to agree that, while they were given what they needed to accomplish the tasks demanded of them – this ship was far from fully equipped. It actually seemed more on the bare minimum side of things. "How's tha' organic holdin' up?"

"Considering she's still alive? As good as can be expected, I suppose. The sooner we can get out of here, the better is all I can really say." First Aid vented and leaned against the console Wheeljack was working on. "How did it really come to this?"

"What? Us tryin' to save our afts by usin' too little anythin' for anythin'?"

"No, though that's a pretty good question too. How did it come to Decepticons trying to produce sparklings by using what they would easily call a substandard species? And how is it that it _worked_? And how did we get tangled in all of this?"

"Oh, that." The inventor concentrated on the bits and pieces currently in his hands. "Ah can't say Ah know how th' 'Con's came ta be th' ones ta do wha' we all dreamed of doin' someday – creatin' sparklin's again – but if th' process is anythin' to go by ya have ta admit tha' we'd never have done it. Goes against everythin' we calim ta stand fer."

"But, you and I have been a part of it..."

"Can't speak fer ya, Aid, but my part in all this...Ah got wrapped up in th' idea of it all, an' Ah regret it. Ah'll be happy if some good can come outta it, but Ah'll regret it forever."

"Yeah, I regret my roll in it all too..." The two shared a moment of silence to contemplate their individual regrets.

"Anyway – th' why it worked thing? Ah ain't got that quite figured out yet." He pushed some more wiring into place, typed in another code, and found himself still denied. "Slag it. Ah ain't gettin' nowhere with this! Ah could really use Jazz right about now."

First Aid hung his head for a moment. "Maybe he'll come online soon, but I can't make any promises about that. I don't know what Starscream did to him..."

"Ya don't wanna know." Wheeljack still had the image of Starscream pulling Jazz's spark from its chamber with that strange tool he had. "Ya should get back, Aid. If they figure out yer gone, all o' this will go ta waste."

"You're right," the young medic agreed. "Not to mention poor Aurian's there alone."

"Aurian?"

"The organic."

"Ah."

"I'll come back as soon as I can. Just keep an optic on him. If he does come out of it, he'll probably be very disoriented."

"Right." The inventor craned his neck to the side so that he could see where Jazz was tucked away. He knew that the mech was still in a sorry state; if he came online at all he most likely wouldn't be of much help. "Ah'll keep tryin' ta get through..."

With an understanding nod, First Aid headed for the door. Before he opened it though, he thought of something that had bothered him. "Hey, Wheeljack?"

"Huh?"

"You notice the drones don't seem to care that we're walking the halls?"

"Ah can't say Ah have...Ah've only been here an' to th' sparkling incubating unit."

"I've been through these halls twice now – while it seems like the Decepticons are no where to be found, there are plenty of drones about – and none of them seem concerned that I'm not where I'm supposed to be." A look Wheeljack wasn't familiar with on the young medic came over him.

"Aid, what'er you thinkin'?"

"Time isn't really on our side here, is it?"

"Seems like it never is, but what do ya plan ta do about it?"

"We've got to get the others..."

Wheeljack didn't seem to understand. "Aid, yer not usually one ta take risks."

"Sometimes you have to. Keep an eye on Jazz, I'll be back." With that First Aid slipped out of the lab and was out of Wheeljack's sights. Still, the inventor stared after him with disbelief.

"Be careful."

First Aid stood in the hall for a minute trying to steady his resolve. 'It's okay,' he told himself, 'how many times have the drones simply overlooked you? And all the Decepticons seem to be preoccupied with someone else. The other would do it if they could.'

With that thought held firm in his processor, the white mech made his way through the halls. His first destination was simple enough – as far as this half-developed plan went anyway – the half destroyed brig where Sunstreaker was being held. After all, if he was going to go headlong into danger, he wanted a mech much more experienced with such situations beside him.

"What are you doing?"

First Aid froze at the voice. "I-I-I, um..."

"Got lost? Wondered too far from home? Temporary Amnesia? Spit it out, Autobot." Barricade crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall as though he had been there waiting for the medic to wander this way.

"It's just that I was...looking for..." First Aid stammered trying to think of some viable excuse for him being out side of the med-bay-turned-prison he has been so reluctant to leave only a short time before.

"The back door?" Barricade vented heavily and offlined his optics. "Idiot. I don't really care what you say, the end result will still be the same." The hunter mech took a few quick steps to close the gap between himself and the white mech. "Move."

"Slag."

The two walked in silence as they turned away from the brig. First Aid had the faint flutter of a hope that the Decepticon hunter would take him back to the med bay and he might get some form of severe reprimand, but that hope was quickly dismissed for a deep fear as they turned towards the ships heavily protected interior. Here they found cells that were painfully small and dark. He hated to think of his friends and comrades holed up in those tiny rooms.

"Why..." he had started to ask, but quickly stopped himself. It would do him no good to push his luck with as much trouble as he was in at the moment.

"Because Decepticons like to see how far they can push a 'bot before they break. That's why." Barricade knew these cells well enough. They were traditionally used for interrogation, but when a soldier stepped out of line (or one of his superiors felt the need to enforce their superiority) a Decepticon could easily find himself sequestered in one of those tiny cells for orns.

They finally stopped in front of a cell. "Here," Barricade instructed, punching in a code to open the door and shoving the smaller mech in. "Don't go anywhere."

First Aid watched with growing dread as the door shut, locking him in; except that the locks did not engage.

Barricade's red optics glared through the small opening in the door for a good breem before finally vanishing.

This made no sense to the medic. Why would the mech bring him all the way here only to not lock the door behind him? Why not take him back to the med bay for all the effect this had on him? Most of all he couldn't understand why Barricade seemed to be the only Decepticon still on the ship. "Add that to the list of things that don't make sense," he told himself with a soft cycle of air.

Just as he was contemplating pushing his strange luck, First Aid felt a tremor run through the ship. Something big was happening. Something he was sure was going to change everything – but most of all, it was providing him the opportunity to follow through with his slightly altered plan. After all, he couldn't ignore what Barricade had done; even if he didn't understand it.

* * *

_Journal entry_ continued_; fallen hopes_

_ Optimus was gone. There was no doubts about it – Sideswipe had seen him laying lifeless in the remains of a rough battle that the powerful mech could not win. I can't believe it. I mean, I had been there for the first death of Optimus; well, I had been in the movie theaters when they had depicted the great Autobot leader being killed the first time, but it was nothing like this. Back then I had looked up to the character as a pseudo father figure. I respected him, loved him with child like adoration. I had been devastated when he had fallen. Now...now, I _knew_ him personally. There was a companionship between us. He was a friend._

_ I can't say it was worse or better than when Roger had been killed. In a way this was worse because I had known it was coming but had completely failed at stopping – but I had tried to keep Roger safe too, and had almost held his hand and walked him right into his own demise...that was pretty hard to take._

_ Sideswipe had been pretty torn up about it too. He could have been there if he had been focused on his duty. Didn't it figure, the one time he takes his time getting to a fight, and the leader of the Autobots falls._

_ The only thing that let me hold it all together was this tiny little voice in the back of my head – nothing like the not-mother, or like what I heard from Sideswipe or Sunstreaker, but a voice none the less – kept telling me that this wasn't the end. There was more to this story than that..._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

* * *

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

Written in honor of Wheeljack appreciation month: .net/s/6918950/1/3_weeks_and_counting Very nicely done. I enjoyed it immensely and recommend you check it out. It's a little oneshot featuring our favorite inventor and an interesting OC by Evil Bunnies Inc. Check it out.

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	97. Journal Entry 97

**_WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!_**

This chapter contains character death.

You have been warned.

Also, this chapter has not been edited or Beta'ed either - I'm just trying to get caught back up after my 2 week forced leave of this story. Everything should be returning to normal with the next chapter.

Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic.

* * *

_Journal entry; coming to terms_

_ I don't know when the impersonator left, but she was gone. Just like before – the presence was completely gone from my mind and there was an emptiness there. Though that emptiness was pale in comparison to the fact I knew Optimus was gone too. Even though I couldn't feel the vacancy he left behind in my mind like I did with the not-mother, I felt it in my heart. I felt it through Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. I felt it in my soul. That loss was on such a different level...maybe that's why I hadn't sensed the doppelganger's departure..._

_ I also started to become alarmingly aware of the fact that First Aid had been gone a long time. Far too long really. I could only imagine the very worst at this point – he had been spotted and something horrible had happened to him. Poor guy, he had only wanted to help and what had he gotten for his efforts?_

_ You know what bothered me the most about all of this? That song that always seemed to get into my head, especially at the worst moments._

_ 'You would not believe your eyes, if ten million fireflies, lit up the world as I fell asleep...'_

_ It gave me chills._

_ ~Aurian Fae_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sideswipe had watched as Optimus's body was hauled away by the large human machines and he felt the guilt building inside him. If he had only been more on top of things, paid more attention...listened to Aurian when she had told Sunstreaker and him that this was going to happen. She had known, had tried to warn them, had done everything she thought she could do to stop it, and it had still happened. 'Then why is that fraggin' Allspark thing even telling her this slag? Why let her think she could do anything about it? What was the point?' He couldn't help but to wonder, even as he followed the others to the base where they would load back into the carriers that would take them back to Diego Garcia.

Sadly he realized he couldn't decide why he didn't want to go back to the base that had become like home for him; because Aurian and Sunstreaker wouldn't be there, or because he would be forced to come to terms with the fact that Optimus was really gone. Either way, he just didn't want to have to face that. He kept hoping, as each mile passed, that something would come up and he wouldn't have to go.

Sometimes, he realized, the human term 'be careful what you wish for' was far too applicable.

He had a hard time containing his anger when he watched Optimus's body being dropped so carelessly – it wasn't that any further harm could be caused to the already dead mech, it was entirely a matter of respect. Didn't they, as Autobots, take extra care not to jostle, step on, or otherwise further damage deactivated humans? Shouldn't they be shown the same respect?

::Keep calm,:: Ironhide instructed. The older mech could see the tension in Sideswipe building to an unbearable high. He knew it would take very little to trigger the front-liner right now, but to lash out in his usual manner here would do little good. Of course, he wasn't doing much better himself, but focusing on keeping Sideswipe under control was keeping himself in check too. All of that, however, flew right out the door the moment armed vehicles started swarming them.

::Calm?:: Sideswipe practically roared through the open comm system. ::They are pointing guns at us, Ironhide! After...everything, and they're pointing guns at us!::

Ironhide had shared his own anger for the situation out loud for the humans to hear. What was going on? What had they done to warrant this?

Then he saw Galloway, and he new instantly that if he didn't find a way to take control of the situation, there was going to be a very dead human representative on their hands – though if it would be Sideswipe or himself to reach him first was highly debatable.

::Jolt, get Sideswipe out of here right now.::

::Uh...:: Jolt wasn't far from the front-liner, but the sheer amount of rage rolling off of him was enough to give the young medic pause.

::Sideswipe,:: Ratchet interjected, ::we need to monitor your spark resonance. Remember that Sunstreaker and Aurian are both feeling what you're feeling right now.::

That was enough to get through to Sideswipe. Maybe more than any of them could have known. Aurian was suffering, she was scared, and grieving again, and his twin...Sunstreaker was in a state Sideswipe had seldom known his twin to be in. He didn't need to add more to that. So, when Jolt laid a hand on his shoulder, indicating that he should go to one of the cargo planes, Sideswipe went without any argument. It left everyone a little stunned, but he didn't care. Let them think whatever they would, he just wanted to shut down for a few joors anyway. Maybe while he recharged he could thing of some way to reach Aurian and Sunstreaker – wherever they were – and save them.

Ironhide, for his part was thankful for the younger mech's cooperation. This situation was bad enough as it was, he didn't need to add Sideswipe's volatile temper to it. He was also thankful for the N.E.S.T. team humans that stood between them and the humans there to enforce Galloway's orders. If not for them, then he was sure he would have kicked every last one of their vehicles as far as he could, and stepped on more than one of the humans. It really took everything he had not to just agree with Ratchet's suggestion that they leave.

"No," he had said out loud, "Optimus wouldn't have wanted that." It was true, but that wasn't entirely the reason he didn't just agree with the medic. Something told him that they needed to stay – that things as they were, were not they way they would stay. ::Bumblebee, report.:: He called out to the young scout that had run with the younger humans.

::This is bad, Ironhide...::

::Is everyone alive?::

::For now, but Sam...he's not taking this well.::

::I imagine none of us are.:: He vented as he helped Ratchet get Optimus's lifeless body into one of the carriers. It would be a few human hours before they were able to take off, especially with the way Galloway was running things at the moment. He glanced to where Sideswipe sat in his alt mode, already tucked beneath one of the transportation nets that the humans liked to used to help secure the Autobots in their vehicle modes. His behavior was bothersome, and the older warrior couldn't stop the shiver that ran through him at the thought of what Sideswipe's subdued demeanor meant. Nothing good, he knew that much.

Sideswipe blocked out the world around him, focusing only on his bonds. Sunstreaker was thankful for his twin's presence – like he needed him to help support the weight he was currently burdened with. Aurian had thrown herself completely into their bonds like lifelines.

'It isn't your fault, Aurian,' Sideswipe assured her with such absolute confidence she couldn't help but to believe him. 'You warned us...you did everything you could. I know that you guys are working on some plan of escape, just promise me that you will go with them.'

'I...' her hesitation hurt Sideswipe more than the physical pain that leaked through their bonds from both her, and from Sunstreaker combined.

'Aurian, please?'

'I will bring her home, Sideswipe,' Sunstreaker answered for her. 'No matter what.'

Sideswipe was thankful for his brother's assurances, but he would have felt better hearing it from Aurian. He knew that the woman had some notion of staying behind – after all, if she had gone in the first place for whatever reason it was, it wasn't very likely she had gone planning on being rescued – but it would have still been nice to have a little of her determination focused on coming home. With heavy venting he accepted that if Sunstreaker said he would bring her home, that she would come home.

Aurian managed to get herself on her feet. She was tired of laying around, and despite the pain she was in, she was really starting to worry about First Aid. Had he located the other? Was that what was taking him so long? Or had he been caught while roaming the halls and locked up, or worse?

She had asked Sunstreaker if he had seen the white medic; not only had Sunstreaker not seen First Aid, but he hadn't seen anyone for quite some time compared to the usual rounds Starscream had liked to make.

Reaching the doors, she looked up at the release mechanism – far too high up for her to reach. 'Great,' she sighed to herself. There would be no escaping on her own. 'Not that I could anyway,' she reminded herself. Even if she managed to get passed the barrier of the door, beyond it was not temperature controlled, and some places weren't pressurized and had too little, if any, oxygen. She could kill herself by accidentally turning down the wrong hallway.

As she walked back the other way, the doors slid open and she felt a rush of cold air – the hall on the other side was definitely not temperature controlled – her breath caught in her throat with fear. She turned to see who was coming in, daring to hope it was First Aid, and dreading that it was one of the Decepticons.

She was relieved to see who stood there, glaring down at her with some concealed emotion. "'Cade! I was worried about you!"

The mech made a sound of disbelief before moving a little closer to the human femme. He had to admit that she looked horrible. How she was even standing was beyond him. "I only came to tell you that the foolish Autobot medic got himself caught."

"Oh no!" Aurian practically collapsed with her despair. "W-what did they do to him?"

"He was lucky that I was the one that came across him. He is fine, but I put him in solitary confinement."

The look on Barricade's face told Aurian that there was something important about that, but he wasn't about to say something that could be overheard and cost him whatever trust he may have garnered in the time he had spent here. "That's where the other science team members are being held, isn't it?"

Barricade gave a short, curt, nod.

Aurian felt a little bit of hope. Maybe that meant First Aid could talk to them, tell them their plan and they could all get away. "Can I ask you what happened to Jazz?"

"No," he said with almost hostile closure.

Unsure if it was just because Barricade couldn't look too friendly with her, or if it was because he didn't want to tell her the truth. Either way, she was a little put off by his tone.

Barricade himself was just turning to leave when the doors opened yet again and he found himself face to face with Megatron. "My lord," he spoke without any hesitation, and gave a respectful bow of his head.

"What are you doing here, Barricade? I thought I told you to patrol the ship." Megatron remained in the door, effectively blocking any attempt to get past him Barricade might have had.

"You did, my lord. I found the Autobot medic wondering the halls. I simply came here to ensure that the project had not been compromised."

Megatron didn't look like he believed Barricade, but fortunately for the hunter, vorns of previous loyal service weighted Megatron's opinion in his favor. "And?"

"It does not appear so."

"Good." The large mech stepped into the med bay, allowing the door to close behind him. He did not dismiss the hunter, wanting to inspect the situation himself. "So, human," Megatron spat the word like a disgusting curse, "you may like to know that your Autobot master has been dispatched."

Aurian felt the pain rise again, along with violent anger. Megatron had killed Optimus – after everything she had done to ensure that the mech wouldn't have that opportunity, it had still happened.

"The rest of your precious Autobots won't be far behind, I assure you of that."

"You won't beat them, Megatron!" Aurian snapped, her anger taking complete control of her. "You'll be defeated just like before!"

Megatron laughed. "You sound so sure of that. How do you believe that your pathetic Autobots will be able to defeat me, when I have the entire force of the Decepticons, and they only have their fading belief in their dead Prime to follow?"

"The Fallen controls the Decepticons," she practically crowed, "you're nothing but his puppet, and any victory will go to him, not you!" Aurian felt proud of herself for thinking of that, and the simmering hate in Megatron's optics only further fueled that pride. "Not only that, but you will be taken out again. If you survive the day, I'd be surprised!" She was feeling so confident right now, and the sense of near giddy enforcement she was getting from both Sideswipe and Sunstreaker – feeling her confidence as a good sign, they were doing everything they could to fuel that fire.

"You do not know anything, fleshling."

"Don't I?" A small voice screamed in Aurian's head for her to shut up. She was feeling far too bold to be talking to Megatron. "I know that you lost Sam again, and that you won't get him back. I know that he knows something that you want to know. I know that Optimus will come back, and you will be defeated again." Aurian wasn't sure why she had said that last part, or why she had so much confidence in it, but she knew it to be true. Maybe it was the Allspark...or maybe it was her relying on her fangirl logic – the hero couldn't stay dead, and the bad guy had to be defeated. "You hate that The Fallen is going to get all the credit for Optimus's death. You're just second-fiddle. Just like Starscream is to you."

"Silence!"

Apparently, Aurian had pushed just a little too much, and she only started to realize that as Megatron stomped across what little distance separated them.

"I will not be defeated again!" The large mech roared as one massive foot came swinging forward.

Aurian only had a moment to think 'oh, crap!' and to send one more desperate thought to Sideswipe; 'Save Sam!' Then there was nothing.

Barricade watched with a very stoic face, though inside he felt nothing but hate and loathing for the Decepticon lord. The small human's body flew across the med bay, smashing into machinery against the wall. He wanted to shoot Megatron, to take out every bit of his pent up anger out on the mech that he blamed for most of his agony, but that would only serve to get him offlined, and he had something important to accomplish yet.

Once Megatron had a moment to revel in his actions and calm himself down a bit, he turned to Barricade with a rather satisfied and determined grin. "Clean that up, it had reached the end of its usefulness anyway."

"Yes, my lord," Barricade said smoothly, not revealing any of his inner turmoils.

After Megatron was gone he moved to where Aurian had fallen, running the few scans he knew to determine her condition. There was no life signs at all. She looked like she was still alive...just laying there, but he knew that she had not survived. When he picked up her limp body, any doubts where completely removed. She was broken in ways that were disturbing even to him.

His spark hurt to see her like this. This human had gone so out of her way for him, even risking her own life to help him, had stood up for him when no one else would have – or probably even should have – and what had he done for her? He had carried her to her demise. The fact that it had been at her request meant little to him at this moment. He had promised himself he would help her, no matter what fool plan she had come up with, but he had done nothing.

"I can still help them," he told himself quietly. That was what she would have wanted most anyway, he knew. Help the Autobots escape, and to keep the sparklings out of Megatron's cruel hands. "I promise..."

Sideswipe's entire form shuttered loudly with the sudden shock of pain that tore through him. For a brief moment he couldn't make a single sound, the agony was too intense to allow it, but then the full force of it, and everything it meant came down on him like the Pit rising up to swallow him whole, and he screamed. He transformed clumsily his hands digging at where his spark was housed as though he wanted to tear the thing from his chest.

"Sideswipe!" Jolt was there, already trying to help the stumbling, struggling mech, but found himself only getting knocked around as Sideswipe flailed. Ratchet was by his side in a half-klik, helping Jolt to get out of the way of the wild front-liner.

"What's going on?" He demanded.

"I don't know!" Jolt got back to his feet and tried to go back to Sideswipe again. The mech was obviously in terrible pain, but why?

"Primus," Ratchet had seen it far too often not to know this was the real thing. "Sparkshock."

As he spoke the word, Sideswipe fell to his knees, both hands pulling at his chest plating, but all the strength had gone from him. 'Sunny!' He called out desperately. 'Aurian! Sunny!' He could feel more pain, pain that wasn't his, but he couldn't tell who's it was and he was terrified. Either way, he knew he had just lost someone important to him, and it hurt so much he couldn't stand it. 'Aurian!' He called one last time before succumbing completely to the overwhelming agony and fell to the floor, curled in a tight ball of pain.

Ratchet wanted to help the mech, but he knew there was little he could do for him. Sparkshock wasn't easy. It was painful, and could kill a 'bot if they let the despair take them. He could only find it in him to thank Primus that it was not a sparkmate, so the chances of Sideswipe pulling through were much higher. "Sideswipe, can you tell us who..." he couldn't even say it out loud.

Sideswipe couldn't even think clearly enough to try and comprehend what Ratchet had asked him, but even if he had, he couldn't answer the question. He didn't know yet, the pain was just too much. There was one message that pushed through everything. "Save...Sam..." he grunted between waves of agony.

First Aid sat nervously in the corner of the small cell. He had been just about to push through the door, to explore the area and see if he could find the others here when the floors had started shaking and then that huge Decepticon had come down the hall in all his imposing glory. First Aid wasn't sure who the mech was, but he knew he was old, and terrifying.

Several breems had passed since that looming mech's shadow had passed his cell, and he was just starting to build his courage up again.

'What was I thinking?' He wondered to himself. 'I'm not a battle grade mech, I shouldn't be here...I should have just stayed in the med bay...with...' he vented heavily. He knew why he was here. He had been idle too long, allowed too much to happen. He had to do something, and this was the only thing he could think of.

Pushing open the door, he looked long and hard down both directions of the halls. There was no movement, no sound at all.

'Okay, I can do this,' he coached himself. His legs felt weak and his hands shook as he walked to the next cell, only a few steps away. Glancing through the small viewing window, First Aid stopped his venting cycles, afraid of what he was going to find.

The form inside was crumpled and motionless, but the medic could pick up a steady spark signature. The mech might be in recharge, but he was still functional and in no current danger. He tried the door, only to find it locked. 'Of course it's locked,' he told himself, 'it's a cell...how do I _un_lock it?'

Quickly scanning the surface he found an access pad. 'Okay, think...how do I get past this. If only Jazz was functional.' Deeply cycling he tried to process any way of breaking the code. There were several 'bots that he knew could do it, he just wasn't one of them.

Just out of frustration, he placed his hand to the scanner. He knew the access pad wouldn't recognize his signature as one that could open the lock, but he didn't know what else to do. He almost didn't understand the sound the reader made until the mech inside jumped to his feet.

The door released and started to open, but First Aid just stood where he was, watching with a blank expression.

Inside, the mech approached the door cautiously, unsure if this was a trick, or a malfunction. He stepped through once the door was open and found himself face to face with a familiar medic.

"Aid? Wh...how...whats going on? How are you here? Where are the others? How did you get out? Where is the ship? Are you okay? Is everyone else okay?"

"Blue! Enough!" First Aid was relieved to hear the young mech rambling on like he was want to do, but at the same time, he was afraid that the more he talked, the greater their chances of being captured were. "Are you okay?"

"I'm functional." There was obvious reservations in his tone, but First Aid didn't feel they had the time to worry too much over the damages done, so long as the mech could move and wasn't going to fall over deactivated at any klik.

"Okay," First Aid did a quick scan, logging all the malfunctions and damages for later repairs. There was nothing that couldn't wait a few breems. "We have to get the others out, we don't have a lot of time...and I can't say that this is really planned out well."

"Who else have you found? Are they online?"

"Well, we have Wheeljack, but he's still in the lab trying to hack the systems. Sunstreaker is here, he's in the brig but I'm not sure on his condition. Last I was told he's doing okay, but I don't know if he's damaged. Starscream had some scientific interest in him."

"Oh," Bluestreak groaned, "that can't be good. Who told you?"

"Ah, well, that's a little complicated, and I'm not sure I entirely believe the whole thing. There will be time to talk about that later. We also have an organic we have to get out of here, which his complicated because of the lack of temperature control and pressurization."

"Why is there an organic on a Decepticon ship? I thought they hated organics."

"They do, but...well, that's complicated too."

"Okay...well, who else? We can't take on the Decepticons with just the four of us, even if we were all in prime functioning order – we have no weapons."

"I'm not sure, you're the first one I've found down here...but I believe the others are here too." First Aid lead the way to the next room and found that his signature released the door as well. "He must have entered my signature into the system somehow..."

"Who?"

"Barricade."

Sunstreaker's systems groaned, circuits screamed, and frame twisted. He had heard of sparkshock, but he had never really seen it. He had always made sure not to be around any of the sparkshock victims, turned his optics away, his audios off. He didn't want to see it or acknowledge it – that would have made it real. Yet now, here he was suffering from it himself with no one there to help him.

He screamed, forgoing everything he had done to keep his external reactions from reflecting the ones inside. This agony was too deep to keep hidden away. He thrashed against the cell walls, cracking the metal of his hands as they slammed against the less forgiving surface.

Sideswipe was in pain too, he could feel it just as clearly as his own which only made things worse. They were both suffering and there was nothing they could do to stop it. Sunstreaker reached out to his brother desperately. He needed something to hold onto, and Sideswipe returned the need just as urgently.

Barricade watched the golden mech with such disbelief that he couldn't even process that there was something he had come here for.

Sunstreaker was wild with pain. It was terrifying. It was baffling. It was the one bit of proof he needed to finally concede without doubt that this human had been connected to the Autobot front-liner twins.

Once the twin had run himself out and he lay venting harshly on the floor, Barricade dared to enter the cell.

Sunstreaker's optics were still online, but he didn't seem to be seeing anything. "I'm truly sorry," Barricade said coolly as he laid the body he had carried here beside the mech's limp hand.

He considered 'forgetting' to lock the cell as he left, but with the front-liner in the condition he was in currently, he was sure that wasn't a good idea. "You're comrades will come soon." He only looked back once before leaving the broken down brig, and leaving the golden twin to suffer in peace.

* * *

**Before everyone freaks out on me, I tell you 1) this is not the end 2) I'm sorry! 3) I do have plans to make all of this okay, I promise. **

Thank you very much for reading, and for those I have made angry with this chapter, I apologize and hope you can forgive me enough to finish reading this story. There are still a few chapters to go.

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Readers, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

FORD B. and anasazidarkmoon

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	98. Journal Entry 98

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

* * *

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Just keep that steady, and everything will be fine." First Aid sounded far more confident than he felt. He had found Beachcomber and Grapple before stumbling – almost literally – over Perceptor. The little mech had obviously found the worst punishment of those captured from the science ship; at least this far.

"I'm not exactly built for this, you know?" Grapple held one of Perceptor's arms in just the right position so that First Aid could complete an emergency patch.

"It's not building_**s**_, but it's still construction. Well, sort of...I mean if you look at it from the right point of view we're just mobile constructions, right?"

Beachcomber laid one arm across Bluestreak's shoulders. "That's a very equivalent way to think of it, Bluestreak. We are all so similar to everything around us."

They were all worn down, stressed, injured, and just hoping that their current luck would hold out. First Aid kept promising that as long as they lay low, they would be okay. However, the fact that Barricade had been the one to allow all of this to happen left all of them unnerved.

"Okay, that's the best I can do here. We'll have to carry him until he comes fully online." Fist Aid stood, helping Beachcomber lift the much smaller mech so that his fresh patches wouldn't be torn again. "Let's keep moving; we're still missing some 'bots."

"What about the ship?" Grapple asked as he checked the halls before everyone filed out.

"Hopefully Wheeljack has some more information on that."

Bluestreak quickly took point as the small group proceeded to the next cell, where First Aid repeated the same simple gesture that had granted him access to his other comrades. 'Thank you Barricade...' he almost felt traitorous as that thought crossed his processor, but then again, he could hardly overlook the odd kindness from the Decepticon.

What he never expected was for the door he had released to slam open with such force it knocked him, and Grapple beside him, off their feet.

"I warned you not to open that door, Decepticon. Now I'm..." the mech that burst through roared, pausing only after his optics landed on Beachcomber supporting the very slack Perceptor. "What's going on here?"

"Well, it's commonly called a 'rescue'," Bluestreak answered. "Though I can see how you might be a little confused, this is hardly how a good rescue mission goes, but when you have to create and execute the mission using the very 'bots you have to rescue – including rescuing yourself – it gets a little less 'how it should be' and a lot more 'it's happening so go with it'."

Seaspray stared blankly for a klik at Bluestreak's long explanation, but then a small smile crept over his face. "We're on our own, huh?"

"Something like that," Grapple agreed.

"There are a few others. I'm hoping that sense all of us has made it, that Mirage is around here somewhere." First Aid started for the next cell, the others falling into their places around him.

Seaspray skimmed the crew currently gathered and counted one more missing. "What about 'Jack?"

"In the lab," First Aid answered quickly as he opened the next door.

"And nothing has blown up yet?" There was a quiet round of various sounds indicating the different 'bot's amusements at Seaspray's observation.

"No," the medic answered as he looked into another empty cell. He didn't know if he was more thankful or frustrated that more cells they crossed were empty than contained one of their missing comrades.

* * *

Sunstreaker's optics picked up something just near him. He couldn't quite make out what it was; his optical systems were sluggish and didn't seem to want to work.

The pain running through him had dulled somewhat, more like a severed limb than a shattered sparkcase. Maybe multiple severed limbs, and possibly some mangled internal structured he wasn't entirely sure. What he did know was that he was angry, and that his spark hurt, and that Sideswipe was angry and hurting too. They had taken Aurian from them. He would make sure they paid for it in full – though he doubted there was enough pain to be dealt to the Decepticons to pay this injustice back.

It was then that his optics finally focused on that thing, and everything stopped cold.

"Aurian?" He moved his fingers, which were already so close to the woman before him. They lightly grazed the still form, and they sensed right away the coldness of the body that lay there. "No," he told her. "You can't be deactivated...you can't be..." but he knew it to be true. It was there in his spark if not right before his very optics.

'Sunny?' Sideswipe's weak plea reached him in that moment of final realization. Likely, the shock through his spark at having such undeniable evidence was enough to alert his twin.

'Hey, Sides.'

'Find her, Sunny, please...'

'Sides, she's gone.'

'No! She's not, she can't be! Go find her, help her!' Sideswipe was in a state of panic, refusing to believe what he felt in his spark. He didn't have the body of their third bond lying at the tips of his fingers to prove beyond doubt that it was true, that the pain was exactly what it felt like and that it wasn't going to be fixed.

'Sideswipe, there is nothing I can do.'

His twin's voice was so full of grief and self-hate that Sideswipe's anger vanished from him instantly.

'She had no chance, Sides...I'm sorry. She's just so broken and I don't know how I would fix it even if it were possible!' Sunstreaker practically cried.

If Sideswipe thought about it for a few kliks, he would have thought Sunstreaker was mourning. It was the closest thing Sideswipe had heard from his twin since they had been younglings. Sunstreaker _did not_ mourn. Not for anything.

'No, you have to!' Sideswipe couldn't accept it. Aurian had lived through so much, there was no way this could be real. He refused to accept the truth throbbing in his spark, or the complete lack of doubt in Sunstreaker's bond. Aurian wasn't gone – he couldn't handle losing her, and Optimus. Not like this, not so close together.

'Sides...' Sunstreaker didn't even attempt to soothe his twin's pain. There would be no soothing it, ever. They would both feel this ache for the rest of their lives, but the sooner they accepted that, the sooner they could move on. 'Aurian is gone.' He gently took the broken body into his hand and pulled her closer to his chest. He didn't quite have the energy to get up and let the Decepticons know that they had sealed their miserable fates just yet, but there was something else he was concerned with at that moment anyway. 'I'll...I'll bring her home, Sides. That's the best I can do.'

* * *

Starscream came slamming into the lab. His demeanor was far worse than Wheeljack had seen the mech be since his arrival here – not that the seeker had ever been exactly pleasant.

The mech destroyed several things before fully entering the lab. It was enough time that Wheeljack smartly, and quickly, slipped away from where Jazz lay to the other side of the lab. He silently cringed as the seeker continued to take his frustrations out on whatever ended up being in his way.

"You! Autobot!" Starscream snapped as he stormed up to the inventor. "Get to work!"

"Doin' what, exactly? Ah've made all th' developmental sacs Scalpel wanted."

Starscream grabbed a tub of spare parts and threw it at Wheeljack, not caring that the contents spilled everywhere in the process. "We need more drones. I want fifty more caregiver drones before Megatron gets back..." there was an underlying defiance to Starscream's tone that told Wheeljack the seeker and the resurrected Decepticon Lord were not seeing eye to eye on this project. Then again, the two had hardly seen eye to eye on anything as far as he could remember. "I have to go help Lord One-Track-Processor capture the flesh-bag that deactivated him, but I expect results upon my return, or I'll make you a drone!"

"There ain't enough parts fer that in here."

"Then _find_ them. I don't care!

* * *

Sideswipe sat, his alt mode tethered down by the human netting once more, in silence. Complete silence. Neither he, nor Sunstreaker were saying anything over their bond, and he was ignoring the continued pings he was getting from the others. They wanted to know who had gone offline; was it Sunstreaker, or Aurian? He knew they were concerned for both of them, but he hated them for not knowing. It was entirely irrational of him – how were they supposed to know? Still, he wanted them to feel it in their sparks the same way he did, to know that Aurian was gone forever and there was nothing they could do about it.

'No,' he stubbornly told himself, 'she's not really gone, she can't be.' He reached out to the woman again, ignoring the burning chill of the seemingly broken bond – because he knew it couldn't really be broken – and the sharp sparks of pain shooting through him for even trying. It was like the coldest cold in the form of a burning fire that laced right through his very core and spread through all of his lines and systems, choking vents and stuttering gears. 'She's not gone,' he insisted again.

Sideswipe wasn't sure why such a large part of him refused to believe what Sunstreaker told him, refusing to give into what he could feel across his bonds with both his twin, and with the woman – after all, he had seen so many lost in this war and some of them had been very close to him and Sunstreaker, they were no strangers to deactivation – but whatever it was that kept saying it wasn't real kept him going. He had a job to do, and if he gave completely into this pain, he wouldn't stand a chance at it.

Maybe that was it? Aurian's last plea for them to protect Sam was the core of his drive, his reason for believing she was still there – she had given him a task, a mission, and so long as he was following it, she had to still be there...right?

'I will protect Sam,' he swore even as another shudder ran through his frame from yet another failed attempt to reach out to Aurian. 'If I get deactivated trying, I will save Sam, Aurian. Anything you ask, just...don't be gone...'

He noted, completely as a secondary thought, that the plane, which was supposed to be shipping them back to Diego Garcia for whatever fate they would face at the hands of Galloway, had shifted directions. They were going the wrong way.

::Autobots,:: Ironhide's voice announced through their general communications lines, ::Major Lennox has received a message he believes will lead us to Sam...and it seems the boy has a plan to bring Optimus back to us.::

Sideswipe couldn't explain why he knew, almost instantly, that whatever Sam's plan was would be successful. So long as he didn't get destroyed in the process. Maybe it was from being around Aurian for so long. The woman had shown them time and again how humans could do great things. Why should Sam be any different?

'She knew,' Sideswipe realized. He was both extremely pleased, and deeply saddened. Aurian had known the whole time that Megatron was going to come back, and that he would deactivate Optimus. She had known that the Decepticons were going after the Allspark somehow – even though it seems even she had not known how. 'Did she know he would come back too?' He hoped she did. He wanted her to have that one bit of peace in her mind: to know that Optimus would be revived. 'As long as Sam is protected,' he noted, and realized that she had to of known. That was why she had begged them to protect the human boy.

::Sideswipe,:: Ironhide had been barking out orders all through Sideswipe's personal musings, and had finally reached him. ::You will hang back.::

::Like Pit I will!:: He roared into the com with all the ferocity of his anger and sorrow for what he refused to believe was true. It was easier to just focus all of that energy on something else, on a mission, on Sam. ::I have a score to settle...and a promise to keep.::

There was a stunned silence from all of the 'bots listening. Finally, Arcee broached the seeming fine line of speech.

::Sides,:: she spoke softly, as if to a wounded sparkling, ::you can't fight when you're in sparkshock like this...::

::Watch me,:: he challenged.

* * *

Joors had passed since Starscream had left the inventor with his unrealistic orders. Wheeljack had made progress, but not enough.

"Fifty," he looked over the newest frame doubtfully. It looked nice, very feminine and with appealing structure, but it was made from unfamiliar materials and he wasn't sure how well it was going to hold up in long-term operations. One of the downsides of having to use 'whatever was available'. Each drone he created was just as lacking as the ones before and the ones after would be. He had tried his best to give each drone at least one good part for every bad part he had to install.

Roaming the hallways, he had been able to find leftover bits from other malfunctioning drones or from some other catastrophe that had befallen them – like an angry Decepticon that happened to pass – but they just weren't adding up to enough. He barely dared to even call these drones caregivers. He'd actually reverted to simply calling them 'proxy' drones – they were basic enough to be given any simple set of programs to function, but would never withstand any amount of hard labor or long term use. He did have to admit that this one had ended up with far more 'good' parts than the previous drones. Maybe subconsciously he had done it on purpose – wanting to create one good drone. Not that it would matter much.

"Oh, well," he vented as he began the, now familiar, process of activating the drone with its new protocols. It would take a few joors for the process to complete so he sat back to wait. He knew he should be getting to work on another drone, or checking on Jazz, but he was simply too weary for it. His joints ached, his lines felt like they were full of sludge, and his processor wasn't running quite to standards. His long stay with his not-quite-so-hospitable-hosts was starting to show.

He did spare a glance to where Jazz still lay motionless. The mech hadn't come online yet, and it was worrisome. It was like Jazz was in some form of deprivation – but from what Wheeljack could tell the mech had at least enough energon to function. So what was holding him in this stasis-like state of recharge?

"'Aid will know what to do when he gets back," he assured himself aloud. "If he gets back." The inventor couldn't deny the possibility that the young medic's sudden case of sporadic action had gotten him caught – or worse.

The base had grown quiet since the all-to-arms call earlier, and he couldn't say that he disapproved of the peace. It was just him and the drones for the time being. Not that they made good company, but he found them to be far more pleasing than the Decepticons that liked to lord over him. Maybe that same peace he had been granted had allowed First Aid to accomplish whatever plan had wormed its way into his processor.

'At least Ah didn't come across any of his parts in the halls,' he noted silently. He chose to take it as a good sign that First Aid had gotten away with it – whatever it was. "Good luck, buddy."

* * *

Sunstreaker stared at the ceiling of his cell. He wasn't sure why he hadn't completely lost it, why he wasn't smashing everything that could – and couldn't be – destroyed from sheer battle rage brought on by the pain in his spark. Maybe it was that lock the Decepticons had put on his programming, though he doubted it. The anger was there, and it was boiling just as fiercely and violently as he would have expected, he simply wasn't motivated to let it out.

'Not yet,' a small voice in his processor whispered. 'Save it all for them.' Images of what he would do to the Decepticons, their drones, and their ship streamed through his processor, pushing that rage all the more, but still, he made no move to act on it.

He shifted around until he was sitting up. He didn't look at his hand, but he could still feel the weight there. The icy chill had left the body because of his own heat warming it, but it was still motionless and had become stiff. It disgusted him, but nothing – not the Pit, nor Primus himself, would make him let it go. 'I will take you home,' he had promised, and he intended to keep it.

* * *

-J·O·U·R·N·A·L· ·E·N·T·R·Y-

[ -F·I·N·A·L·I·Z·A·T·I·O·N- ]

· ·I·t· ·s·e·e·m·s· ·o·n·l·y· ·r·i·g·h·t· ·t·h·a·t· ·t·h·i·s· ·j·o·u·r·n·a·l· ·b·e· ·c·o·m·p·l·e·t·e·d· ·a·f·t·e·r· ·s·o· ·m·u·c·h· ·h·a·s· ·b·e·e·n· ·r·e·c·o·r·d·e·d·.·

· ·A·u·r·i·a·n· ·w·a·s· ·t·r·u·e· ·a·n·d· ·h·o·n·e·s·t· ·i·n· ·e·v·e·r·y·t·h·i·n·g· ·s·h·e· ·s·p·o·k·e· ·o·f· ·s·o·,· ·t·o ·f·i·n·i·s·h· ·o·u·t· ·h·e·r· ·j·o·u·r·n·a·l· ·–· ·h·e·r· ·l·i·f·e· ·–· ·I· ·w·i·l·l· ·e·n·d· ·i·t· ·i·n· ·t·h·e· ·s·a·m·e· ·m·a·n·n·e·r·.·

· ·I·n· ·t·h·a·t· ·b·r·i·e·f· ·i·n·s·t·a·n·t· ·b·e·f·o·r·e· ·s·h·e· ·f·a·d·e·d·,· ·s·o·m·e·w·h·e·r·e· ·b·e·t·w·e·e·n· ·h·e·r· ·p·l·e·a· ·t·o· ·s·a·v·e· ·S·a·m·,· ·a·n·d· ·t·h·e· ·m·o·m·e·n·t· ·s·h·e· ·a·c·t·u·a·l·l·y· ·c·e·a·s·e·d· ·t·o· ·f·u·n·c·t·i·o·n·,· ·t·h·e·r·e· ·w·a·s· ·o·n·e· ·m·o·r·e· ·s·e·n·s·a·t·i·o·n· ·t·h·a·t· ·h·a·d· ·c·o·m·e· ·t·o· ·m·e· ·t·h·r·o·u·g·h· ·o·u·r· ·s·t·r·a·n·g·e· ·b·o·n·d· · ·S·h·e· ·h·a·d· ·f·e·l·t· ·f·r·e·e·.· · ·S·a·d·,· ·b·u·t· ·f·r·e·e·.· · ·I· ·e·n·v·i·e·d· ·h·e·r· ·t·h·a·t·.· · ·I·t· ·w·a·s· ·l·i·k·e· ·s·h·e· ·k·n·e·w· ·e·v·e·r·y·t·h·i·n·g· ·w·a·s· ·g·o·i·n·g· ·t·o· ·w·o·r·k· ·o·u·t·.·

·I· ·h·o·p·e· ·i·t· ·d·o·e·s·.· · ·I·f· ·f·o·r· ·n·o· ·o·t·h·e·r· ·r·e·a·s·o·n· ·t·h·a·n· ·b·e·c·a·u·s·e· ·s·h·e ·t·h·o·u·g·h·t· ·i·t· ·w·o·u·l·d·.·

-S·U·N·S·T·R·E·A·K·E·R-

[ -A·C·T·I·N·G· ·P·R·O·X·Y· ·F·O·R· ·D·E·A·C·T·I·V·A·T·E·D· ·C·Y·B·E·R·T·R·O·N·I·A·N·-·H·U·M·A·N· ·L·I·A·I·S·O·N·

·A·U·R·I·A·N· ·F·A·E· ·T·O·W·N·S- ]

* * *

**_I REPEAT:_**

**Before everyone freaks out on me, I tell you 1) this is not the end 2) I'm sorry! 3) I do have plans to make all of this okay, I promise. **

Thank you very much for reading, and for those I have made angry with this chapter, I apologize and hope you can forgive me enough to finish reading this story. There are still a few chapters to go.

**_T__he 2000th review contest is on! Same rules as the 1000th review was: I'll take the first logged in review that either is the 2000th, or the closest to the 2000th review._**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

anasazidarkmoon

~To FORD B. I hope you are well again soon!

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	99. Journal Entry 99

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*9*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The darkness surrounded her completely. Darkness and nothingness. It didn't bother her though. Instead, it was warm and comforting. She felt welcomed, like there were others there waiting for her.

"Aurian?" The familiar voice sounded both relieved and sorrowful.

"Optimus...I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I did my best, tried everything I could think of." She didn't feel guilty, only that she knew that she should say she was sorry.

"It was meant to be."

"I know."

"You are not meant to be here, though." There was no accusation in his voice, only fact.

"I know," she agreed, "but there was one thing I had wanted in my death, so here I am."

"What was that?"

"That I could see the Matrix before I moved on. I admit, though this is rather nice, it isn't what I was expecting."

"Aurian," for the first time between them, there was emotion in the voice that spoke, "this is not the Matrix..."

As Optimus's words echoed through the darkness, solidity came into being below Aurian's feet. She felt a rush of air as though a seal had been broken, and then, before her stood a silvery form. It was eye to eye with her, and looked at her with all-too-knowing, impossibly blue, glowing optics.

Looking upon this strange being, she had the notion she knew him – she knew this form was male beyond any doubt – but she could not draw the memory that contained a name for him.

"This is a...a state of holding, you might say." As the mech spoke, Aurian knew that he was Optimus, and with that, knowledge brought the things she knew of him – his red and blue armor, the etchings on his metal skin, his scars; however, he stayed at eye level height to her.

"But, Optimus, I'm dead. Where else would I be?"

The mech smiled, though there was too little warmth to the gesture, and far too much pain. "You are not dead yet; at least, not completely. I cannot say how you have come to be here; the same as I do not know why I am here, only that we have been preserved here for a reason."

"You're here because you have to go back. No one else can stop The Fallen." Aurian tried to think of some reason she should be here, in this purgatory with Optimus, instead of wherever else she was supposed to go when she died.

"Yer not done yet," another voice announced. This one was also familiar – light and amused by some untold secret.

This time there was a ripple in the air as yet another silvery from appeared. Like Optimus, this one stood the same height as she did, and it was also male. Unlike Optimus; however, this one came in a form Aurian knew right away.

"Jazz...I was afraid of what they had done to you." She was a little sad to see Jazz here, yet she didn't feel the strong sense of mourning she thought she should have.

"Don't ya worry 'bout me, lil'lady, Ah'll be just fine. Ya gotta worry 'bout yerself right now." The mech moved beside Aurian before she realized he wasn't standing in front of her anymore, one arm slung over her shoulders as easily as if he had done it a million times. "Ya see, Ah had meh uh good one-on-one with that Allspark being, an' Ah got meh some good info on what's goin' on here." He winked at Optimus, who looked reasonably intrigued by Jazz's words.

"Do you care to share your insight?" The once-Autobot leader questioned.

"Some," Jazz agreed with a slight nod of his head. "Unfortunately Ah can't share too much at this point, it'll interfere with what's gotta happen ta make all this worth the effort." He gave Aurian a quick squeeze before he came back in front of her, his optics practically dancing with his untold secrets looking deep into her own. "First, ya gotta listen ta meh; none of this is gonna be easy for ya, an' if ya choose ta stop it, no one – not even th' Allspark – can stop ya, okay?"

"Okay...?" Aurian was confused by this, mostly because she had no idea what 'this' could possibly be. Not only that, but how much harder could things really get anyway? She was already dead, 'well, mostly dead. Why does that sound like a movie I saw once?' She shook the thought from her mind as Jazz continued to stare deeply into her eyes. It was almost chilling, like he was truly evaluating her soul. 'I'm nothing _but_ soul now, what is he looking for?'

"Ya can't be uh part of th' Matrix, Auri. Ya don't have uh spark." The way he said it was so cold and matter-of-fact that Aurian actually flinched.

"Then why am I here?"

"That's somethin' ya gotta figure out fer yerself." Seeming satisfied that she was thinking properly in her current status, Jazz released his hold on her shoulders and turned to Optimus. He didn't speak a single word that Aurian could hear, but she knew they were discussing something gravely important. The funny thing, or at least she thought it was, was that for once that high-pitched buzzing sound she had grown so used to when the bots talked silently to one another was gone, yet she still knew.

After a time Aurian couldn't really judge, Optimus approached her, a soft, sad, but confident look on his face. He put one hand on his chest and his other hovered over where her heart would have been, 'if I was still alive.'

There was a faint pulse, followed by warmth in her chest. She couldn't help but to gasp a little at the feeling. It wasn't like anything she had ever felt before. She liked it. When Optimus removed his hand, the feeling did not go away – it didn't even fade slightly – and for that, she was thankful.

"You have a long and arduous journey ahead of you, young one. May Primus watch over you, and guide you to your journey's end."

"That sounds..." she had to think a moment because how it sounded and how it felt were so very different, "morbid," she decided.

Optimus laughed – and she felt it. She felt it like she had felt Sideswipe and Sunstreaker; she missed them so much in that moment.

"Do not be afraid, Aurian. This is only the beginning."

"That's not exactly encouraging, you know?"

Jazz's arm wrapped around her shoulders again as the mech pulled her into a gentle but firm hug. "Ya have no idea how much Ah wanted ta do this before."

"I guess being dead has its benefits." She returned the hug; it was rather nice to not feel so minuscule in the arms of one of her mechanical friends.

"Except yer not dead."

The warmth in Aurian's chest grew a little more as Jazz continued to hold her, and with another gasp, she realized what was happening.

"Yeah," Jazz confirmed. "Ya can stop if ya don't want ta do this, at any point."

"Is it going to work?"

"Ah don't really know, I can't say I've ever seen it happen."

"W...what happens next?" Aurian finally felt nervous. She didn't know what was really happening; only that she was being given another chance. There was no way that she would turn that down – not when that meant she might see Sideswipe again, and get to tell Sunstreaker she did not regret what she did and that he shouldn't feel guilty that he couldn't stop her, that she did not blame him, that her death was not his fault.

"Now ya have ta go on alone, no one else can go where ya gotta go." As if he was unwilling to let her change her mind at that moment, Jazz walked away. He only offered a slight wave over his shoulder as a parting.

"Alone?" She hadn't been truly alone for two years, she didn't know if she could handle it now.

"You have great inner strength," Optimus said as he, too, started to walk away. "We all believe in you, remember that."

"Yeah..." She took a deep breath and looked around. Everything was still dark and silent, but she knew where she had to go. It was almost like there was a map in her mind and each destination was marked in a way she could sense inside. However, what waited for her there was still unknown. "Here we go." She started moving, hoping that Optimus's confidence in her was not misplaced.

* * *

A strange static-pop sound drew Wheeljack's attention back to the drone he was attempting to activate. The frame was not moving, and there was nothing on the surface to indicate anything was going wrong, but the sound came again, and then again.

Checking the download and activation status, he was unsure as to what was happening. The progress had come to a standstill yet the drone continued to show signs of activation. When its optics onlined he knew something was amiss.

"Proxy Drone, report your status." He looked over this frozen programming, not even half-complete. "Slag." He was going to have to offline this drone too. It wasn't even activated for a klik and it was already malfunctioning.

"Maybe Ah can still fix it." Wheeljack put all functions on hold, stopping the system from trying to restart the frozen programming for the time being. If he could figure out where the malfunction was, there was still a chance that everything could pick up from where it had stopped, and he wouldn't have to start over completely. "Here's hopin'."

Digging around the drone's processor for a few moments led him to believe there was a glitch in some of the fine routing systems. Not something he could repair, but he thought he might be able to replace it. 'If I have another base laying around here somewhere...'

He started searching the lab for what he needed; completely oblivious to anything else that was going on around him.

* * *

She felt like she had been walking for days, and yet not at all. She stopped, her chest hurt and it felt too hot. She was so tired and on top of that, she was starting to get confused.

"Where am I?" Aurian asked, her voice drifting out into the nothingness and not going anywhere at the same time. "Where am I going?" She looked around, trying to figure it out. Hadn't she just been somewhere bright? Somewhere with so much light it had hurt her eyes?

'No,' she thought, 'it was dark...it's always been dark...' Or had it? She couldn't remember.

She felt herself beginning to sink down, like the nothingness was just pulling her in. A large part of her wanted to give into it, to collapse where she was and let her whole world become nothing.

_Keep going._ A soft sound urged. It was less of a voice and more of a thought – something that seemed very familiar to her. _You must keep going._

"No, he said I could stop if I wanted to." Who had told her that? Someone she had known wasn't it?

_You're losing yourself; you have to keep going or be lost forever._

Forever didn't seem like that bad of a thing. After all, if losing herself meant that this heavy pain in her chest would go away, then it wasn't such a bad thing, was it?

_ Remember there are others waiting for you. They need you._

"Why?"

The pain in her chest grew to something unbearable, burning and heavy beyond anything she thought she had ever felt. It was suffocating, and crushing her.

_You can stop their pain._

"Okay!" She cried desperately. "Okay, just stop! I'll go!"

The pain subsided; it didn't go away completely, but it was far more bearable compared to what it had just been. She stood up and took a deep breath.

"Which way do I go?"

A light flared to life, drawing her towards it. It was bright, and shifted colors slowly, but constantly. That was where she needed to go.

* * *

Wheeljack turned to the drone with the bits he hoped would substitute for the repairs that needed to be done, only to find that it had sat up and was looking at him with, if he didn't know better, he would suspect to be curiosity. "Report your status," he repeated his previous command, hoping that maybe it would respond and he would have fewer repairs to do than he thought.

Disappointment filled Wheeljack as the drone tipped its head to one side and made some soft sounds. Its speech protocol obviously failed to load.

"That's okay, we can fix that." He put down the parts he had acquired and went back to the programming station. Trying to complete the downloads, he quickly discovered something a little more confusing than the previous problem he had faced with this drone – it had a firewall he couldn't breach. "What th' slag is goin' on here?" There was no way that the drone could have downloaded a firewall – that programming wasn't even in the system he was using – and it certainly couldn't have created its own, it didn't have the function to be able to. Yet there it was, staring right back at him and preventing him from completing the downloads. Further baffling him was the fact that he _could not_ get past it. "Proxy, lower firewall," he commanded, hoping that despite this oddity the drone was still able to respond.

It only continued to make those same strange sounds.

With a spark-sinking vent, he prepared to offline the drone so he could tear it apart and hopefully build a functional one from the parts.

However, as he gathered his tools to do so, Wheeljack heard the strangest sound from the small drone. It was almost a fearful whimper, and when he turned with his tools in hand the sound erupted into an all-out scream.

"What th' frag?"

The drone scrambled from the table it had been sitting on, almost throwing itself in an obvious desire to get away from him. In the process, it seemed to take notice of its own appendages and became even more alarmed. There was no doubt in Wheeljack's processor at this point that this drone was displaying emotional output, 'but how?'

He had not been given, or been allowed to create, emotional cores for the drones. Just the same as they were not supposed to have firewalls. They were simply to be programmed to take care of the developing sparklings in the most efficient way possible; there was no desire for compassion or comfort from the drones – that wasn't one of Starscream's priorities.

Moving closer he attempted to listen to the strange sounds the drone was emitting. It sounded familiar, something he had heard before. Recently.

"Proxy, reset vocalizers to base Cybertronex." He tried again to access the drone's voice commands. He could only watch in a stunned awe as the drone focused on him once more, and shook its head slowly from side to side.

It spoke more of these strangely familiar sounds – words, he realized – and suddenly it clicked. It was the same language that organic femme had been screaming before – the one that the sparkling had mimicked. "Alrighty then, stay put, will ya'?" From the way the drone shivered, he was pretty sure that it wasn't far from triggering a safety stasis anyway. "Jazz? Ya wouldn't happen' ta conveniently of come online, have ya?"

The silence that answered him was expected, though still disappointing. "Of course not. Okay, Proxy...lets see if I can find someone that speaks yer language, huh? Figure all this out, an' get ya workin' right."

Running from the lab, he only took long enough to verify that all available hands had indeed been called away before rushing to the med bay.

"'Aid?" He called out as he entered, eager to share the drone's strange behavior with someone. When he found the med bay empty, dread filled him. "'Aid? Where ya' at?"

The med bay remained silent. He was really growing sick of all the silence. It tended to indicate something horrible had happened.

What else could he do? He didn't even know where to begin looking for the missing mech, and he still had the proxy drone to deal with.

"Slag, ain't nothin' easy anymore?" He grumbled as he tried to think of some plan of action. Jazz was out of commission still, but First Aid had mentioned that Sunstreaker had been picked up with the saboteur and the organic that Starscream had been obsessing over.

He laughed at the thought. 'An' he said Megatron was one track processed.'

Still, he had thought of another 'bot that might be able to help him with his proxy drone, and that was enough to get him moving. Sunstreaker was supposed to be in the prison block. If anyone else stood a chance at understanding what this drone was trying to say, it was Sunstreaker. 'If only he'll help.'

He knew the golden twin was prone to a bad temper, and being a Decepticon captive rarely did anything to help that. Put on top of that the fact that he had been one of Starscream's personal experiments – according to what First Aid had told him – and likely, the mech was going to be the prime example of pure stubbornness.

The cellblock was dark, using only the basest of lighting needed to prevent an accidental release of the prisoners. It was also in severe disrepair and looked more like a wasteland than a brig. Wheeljack walked slowly down the rows, he had not been allowed to come here for any reason at all, so he had to guess at where he might find the young warrior.

"Come to gloat, traitor?" The tone of the younger mech's voice was full of hate and anger.

"Sun?" Wheeljack peeked into one of the dark cells and could just make out the golden-hued mech sitting against a far wall. "Hey, Ah...uh...ya' okay?"

Sunstreaker looked the very image of suffering. Whatever had happened to him, he hadn't taken it well and it was showing. Wheeljack added yet another thing to the list of reasons he hated Starscream.

"What do you care?"

"'Course Ah care, Sun! What's wrong with ya'?" He looked around for the release mechanism, and so was startled when suddenly Sunstreaker was practically bending his chest plating with one tightly clinched fist.

"What's wrong with me? How dare you. You betrayed us and you're asking what's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?" Sunstreaker yanked on the inventor's chest plating as hard as he could, slamming him against the bars separating them. "Let me out of here and I'll destroy you."

"Sun..." Wheeljack pulled away from the fierce grip, only managing to escape because he wasn't using both hands. "I know it looks bad from yer point'a view..."

"'Looks bad'? It doesn't _look_ bad, Wheeljack, it is bad. You've been working for the 'Con's all this time? How is that _anything but_ bad?" The gold mech retreated to the far side of the cell, his back turned to Wheeljack.

"Listen, everybody's gone. They all went ta fight...I'm not sure where. I'm gonna let ya' out, get ya' outta here...but I need yer help fer somethin' first."

"Of course you do. How very 'Con of you 'Jack. Give and take...only, I have no guarantee that you'll actually 'give' after you 'take', now do I?" Sunstreaker refused to look at the mech behind him. Wheeljack had always been one of Sideswipe's favorite victims, had been one of the most sporting in their games and almost never lost it when he ended up the butt of yet another prank by Sideswipe and himself. He had even returned as good as he got from time to time. The mech had been a friend, but now? Now he was an enemy. Sunstreaker held the very evidence of that in his hands.

"Sun..."

"Stop calling me that."

"A drone Ah activated just'a few breems ago started speaking in that language those organics speak. Don't ya speak it? Ya talk with that one they brought here with ya, right?"

"Used to."

Wheeljack felt his spark turn cold. "What?"

"Used to. I used to talk to Aurian in English. But, I'm sure you already know that's not possible anymore."

"I don't get it Sun, what happened?"

Sunstreaker turned slowly, glaring over his shoulder at the mech that he was sure was feigning innocence just beyond the bars of his cell. "Megatron happened." He decided to show Wheeljack just what the resurrected Decepticon leader was capable of and revealed the broken body within his hands.

"Primus..." Wheeljack could feel his own spark braking at the sight of the little organic, broken and horrid in the young warrior mech's hand. "Primus, Sun...I didn't know. If I'd even thought fer a second..."

"But you didn't think, did you?" Sunstreaker closed his hands around the broken body once more blocking her from the inventor's view and leaned against the wall.

"Sun, I never wanted anythin' like this ta happen! I swear, I was just tryin' ta..."

"What? Get ahead? Join the winning team? Destroy everything we've fought so slaggin' long for? Cause it sure looks like that's what you got here Wheeljack!"

"I was tryin' ta protect th' hatchlin's." Wheeljack couldn't blame Sunstreaker for his anger, he was rather angry with himself for letting it come this far. He had never intended for anyone to get offlined, he always had good intentions.

"Hatchlings?" Sunstreaker had no idea what Wheeljack was talking about, but something told him that word was important.

"'Screamer and Scalpel figured out a way ta reproduce Sparklin's without the Allspark, or a bonded pair...they used...we...we used th' organic's reproductive biology ta simulate our own, creatin' sparks that could be raised in a sac-like aperture. An 'egg', so ta speak. They dubbed them 'Hatchlin's'.

"Ah created th' sacs. Ah saw th' sparklin's inside an' Ah knew Ah had ta protect 'em. Ah convinced 'Screamer ta let me make some care drones fer them..." Wheeljack felt like pure slag. He had been so focused on protecting the things Starscream and Scalpel had created at the cost of this organic's life, of neglecting Jazz, of taking the opportunity to at least come check on Sunstreaker. He couldn't blame Sunstreaker for being angry with him. "Will ya please help me, Sun?"

Sunstreaker was quiet for a long breem, Wheeljack pleaded to him through his optics with all his spark. He just knew there was something about this drone that was important; he just needed someone who could translate.

"No." Sunstreaker slid down the wall, back to the position he had been in when the inventor had arrived.

"Sun!"

"I said 'no' 'Jack. I don't want to have anything to do with you, or anything the lot of you have created." He made a snorting sound, "Why don't you ask Jazz? Or, did your little scientist buddies offline him too?" Sunstreaker was no less angered by the fact that he had no clue as to what had happened to Jazz after they'd been captured. He had honestly expected to see the little saboteur a few joors after imprisonment, with Aurian in hand, busting them out, but he hadn't come. He had never come.

Wheeljack watched the stubborn mech for breem. It was clear that Sunstreaker was hurt by all this, that he was mourning over the loss of the Organic and that he was feeling rather hopeless. He couldn't blame him for any of it and only wished that he could somehow show the younger mech that he was honest in his words, that he was just as much a prisoner as he was, that he was trapped between his own morals. On the one hand, he should make his escape and return to the Autobots, to Optimus and his friends, yet on the other hand, there were hundreds of undeveloped sparks here that needed protection. A protection he was hoping to provide through the drones... "All right, Sun...Ah don't blame ya one bit." He located the release mechanism and triggered it even as he started walking away. "I'll take ya ta Jazz." It was a double-edged blade – he would still get what he wanted from the front-liner by getting him to where Jazz was, but he knew it could very well backfire on him all the same. Sunstreaker never did respond well to being mislead.

Sunstreaker fought the urge to completely destroy the inventor daring to turn his back toward him. He wanted so badly to take out all his anger and frustration on that mech, yet, at the same time, a small part of him believed what he had said. Wheeljack, of all the mechs he had ever known, was one of the most soft-sparked. He had always had a weak spot for the younglings. Also, Aurian had seemed to believe that the inventor was in a similar situation as First Aid – a prisoner held by his morals and abilities, forced to do as the Decepticons demanded or risk losing their comrades for not complying.

That, and in order to efficiently beat the mech, he'd have to put down Aurian's body...and he wasn't going to let go of her until she was home.

He followed the, quite honestly, depressed looking mech through the halls of the Decepticon ship back to the 'lab' he'd been allowed to use. Wheeljack opened the door and was immediately on the floor, a rather large scrap of some yet-to-be-assembled drone crashing down beside him.

"Holy frag!" Wheeljack groaned as he attempted to roll away from another flying scrap. "That drone's glitched!"

Sunstreaker couldn't help but laugh. He had been so upset with the inventor that seeing him get a few blows delivered from one of his own inventions was very satisfying.

Then a soft voice drifted from beyond the doors of the lab and all of Sunstreaker's mirth was gone.

"Sunny?" It was definitely English, but he didn't recognize the voice.

"Who the frag are you?" He didn't dare peek around the door, just in case the being beyond held just as much animosity toward him as it did toward Wheeljack.

"Gods, Sunny, please tell me that's you..."

"Is it speaking in English?" Wheeljack had escaped the danger zone and was looking hopefully at Sunstreaker. He found it fascinating that it seemed the younger mech understood the drone.

A silver-blue head peeked around the corner, searching, though it saw Wheeljack first and the drone instantly pulled back inside with a yelp.

"Where did you say you got that drone?" Sunstreaker inched forward, still leery of any flying objects.

"Can't say. Ah just get the parts from wherever Ah can get 'em, an' Ah build th' drones from them." Wheeljack also inched toward the open door, his own curiosity winning over his caution. "Ya don't suppose it's sentient, do ya'?"

Sunstreaker could not stop the incredulous look he fixed upon the inventor. "No...I think that it's screaming in fear because it was programmed to do so." He rolled his optics and leaned slightly around the opening, prepared to duck back if another piece of scrap came flying. "Who are you?" He asked again in English.

"I..." the drone was huddled in a corner under a table holding what looked to be a particularly sharp piece of scrap. "I'm not entirely sure."

Seeing that the drone was not prepared to hurl objects anymore, Sunstreaker made his entrance. It was interesting that a drone could speak anything but the most basic of their own language, but that it thought of itself in the first person was rather disturbing. That was also not to mention that drones weren't known for their conversation skills. They were usually programmed with basic responses for orders they were designed to respond to.

The drone looked up at him from its place under the table and a look of relief and hope consumed its features. "Sunny!" It leaped from its hiding spot and latched its thin arms around his neck.

"What do you think you're doing?" He didn't return the embrace, but he couldn't honestly say that he was offended by this odd drone's presence. It almost felt familiar.

"Sorry, Sunny." It released him and stepped back, "I was just so relieved to see you. I...I don't understand what's going on. What happened to me?"

Sunstreaker stared at the silver-blue drone for a long, long moment. It was small, hardly standing to his chest height, feminine in features, with optics that seemed to refuse to settle on any one color. They slowly shifted through the full range of colors from white to so dark they seemed black. He was sure he had never seen this drone before in his life – especially given the fact that Wheeljack admitted to having just built the thing – yet his spark was telling him differently.

The drone shifted nervously from one foot to the other, looking everywhere but at Sunstreaker's intense stare. Then its optics caught sight of what he held in his hand. "Oh...Gods...that's..." It looked up at Sunstreaker, meeting his optics, and he suddenly knew that 'it' was not an 'it' but a 'she' and that 'she' was terrified. "That's me."

* * *

**This is still not the end!**

**2000th review winners:**

1: Primesbaby007

2: roudyredd

3: Autobotally45

Also, there was one more surprise win for the 1986th reviewer (anyone know why I like that number?)

SeekerWing

CONGRATULATIONS everyone! All prizes have been claimed and are in the process of being delivered. The first ficlit to be completed will be Primesbaby007's prize fic. It is titled 'Can't say 'Yes'' and is a Optimus/Ironhide friendship oneshot. Keep an eye out for it!

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	100. Journal Entry 100

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Where is he?" Seaspray grunted as they opened the last of the doors.

"Your guess is as good as mine at this point," First Aid vented. Wherever Mirage was, it wasn't here. "Maybe he got away already?"

"Sure, and he left us all behind. Typical."

"You don't know that, Seaspray." Beachcomber shifted Perceptor around again. The mech was small enough – carrying him wouldn't normally be a problem – but like his comrades; Beachcomber hadn't escaped his imprisonment unscathed, and he was low on energon. "Maybe he went ahead first, you know? Trying to plan an escape route?"

"Mirage always did function better alone," Seaspray continued.

"Wherever he is," First Aid said softly, "I hope that he is okay."

"Me too," Bluestreak added from his place not too far away. He was keeping lead of the group, hoping that he might spot any Decepticons coming their way. So far, he had seen nothing, and it was disturbing. "You suppose Barricade rerouted the drones too?"

First Aid shrugged as they all reached the gray mech. "It's possible. I can't say I know what he's up to. He's acting strange, that's for sure."

"It's probably a trap," Seaspray growled as he looked around. "I can't believe we're trusting that Decepticon. Where are we supposed to go from here?"

"Med bay, then the lab. I've got to get Aurian, then we'll meet up with Wheeljack in the lab, then go after Sunstreaker in the brig, and try to get to the ship from there, wherever it is." First Aid indicated the direction they should go. Maybe, if they were lucky, Jazz had come around too. The more hands they had available, the better.

* * *

"Aurian?" Sunstreaker stared at the strange drone – no, femme – before him. Her optics were fixed on the body he still held in his hand, so he opened it just enough for the femme to be able to see.

"W-who?" She asked, as if broken from some daze.

"Her name was Aurian," he instantly looked away from the femme, fighting the urge to look at the body in his hand. The image was already burned into his processor; he didn't have to look to see her broken form there, but he didn't _want_ to see it.

"What...um...n-never mind, I don't think I want to know." The small femme cringed as if she were being struck. She reached out to touch the body, stopping before she actually made contact. "Poor thing."

"What's it sayin'," Wheeljack asked as he came up behind Sunstreaker.

"No!" The femme screamed. "Stay away from me!" She bolted for the other side of the table she had been hiding under previously, wanting to put distance between herself and the inventor, looking for anything she could throw at him to convince him to leave her alone.

"Well," Sunstreaker winced a little at the sheer volume of the femme's voice, "right now she's telling you to stay away from her."

"Why?"

"I don't know, but if you'd back the frag off, maybe she'll cool it long enough for me to ask." Sunstreaker glared at the inventor until he backed off a bit. "Stop screaming," he demanded of the small femme. "What is your designation?"

She seemed to calm down as Wheeljack backed off. "My what?"

"Designation. Name. What am I supposed to call you?"

"I...don't know." She looked nervously between the two mechs before her. "I can't remember! I knew, I did, I knew just a moment ago..." The femme's expression grew distant again as she tried to recall. There was a soft static-pop sound, and her optics grew dim for a klik before brightening back up. She looked at the golden mech and shrugged as if it made no difference. "I don't know. Whatever you want to call me I suppose."

Sunstreaker's optics offlined with frustration. "She's glitched," he told Wheeljack. "She doesn't know her designation."

"Course not," Wheeljack agreed, "Ah just built it, it's not even s'posed ta have self awareness." It then struck the inventor that Sunstreaker had been saying 'she'. "It's ah femme?"

"Look at her," Sunstreaker pointed annoyed with it all. His spark was feeding him feelings of familiarity, but he didn't know this femme at all. He didn't know her, her spark resonance, nothing of her...yet he seemed to know her on a deeper level, and she seemed to know him for some reason he couldn't even begin to comprehend - especially if what Wheeljack claimed was true.

_'That's me,'_ she had said when she first saw Aurian's body. Sunstreaker didn't dare hope, yet still, his processor had to flirt with the idea that this, in some way, might be that same woman sparked into the empty shell of a drone. Was that even possible?

"What are you talking about?" The femme asked nervously. "Don't let him come near me!"

"Why are you so afraid of him?" Sunstreaker asked the femme.

"He was coming at me with all those..." she pointed to where Wheeljack had abandoned the tools he had intended to use to offline the drone. "He was going to hurt me!"

"How do you know that?"

"I...I don't know, I just...I knew. What else would he have been doing?"

"'Jack," Sunstreaker vented – he really hated being a translator, "what were you doing when she glitched out?"

"Well, Ah was gonna deactivate it – uh, her. Ah thought she was just ah malfunctionin' drone." He moved forward again, caught up in curiosity. "Maybe...the processor Ah used was recycled from another drone, but maybe it came from a femme somewhere an' th' drone reactivated parts of th' dormant programming."

"Yeah, okay, whatever. Are you still going to deactivate her?" A small part of Sunstreaker wanted the inventor to say yes – not because he wanted the femme destroyed, but because another part of him felt the need to defend this femme – probably the same part that defiantly hoped that this drone was Aurian resparked somehow - and that would give him a reason to, at the very least, punch Wheeljack. Admittedly, having thought on it for a few breems Sunstreaker wasn't really mad at the inventor, just the situation, but still – an outlet was an outlet and he'd take what he could get.

"No! O'course not."

"You can quit acting like a youngling," Sunstreaker told the femme. "Wheeljack isn't going to do anything to you."

"Wheeljack?" The femme stood straight, squinting her optics as she studied the mech standing beside Sunstreaker. "That's Wheeljack? The inventor?" Her head tipped one way in a motion Sunstreaker recognized as curiosity.

"Yeah..."

"Wow! I can't believe it!" The femme seemed to have forgotten her previous fear and abandoned the table she had used as a shield.

Wheeljack stood where he was, impressed that the drone-turned-femme's demeanor had changed so quickly. "What'd ya tell her?" Whatever it was, he supposed it had to of been amazing for the terrified femme to be approaching him now.

"Your designation," Sunstreaker added with a rude snort. "Apparently, she knows of you."

"How?"

"I don't know! And I'm tired of playing middle mech. Give me a tap so you can download Earth English. Then the two of you can chat it up all you like, and leave me the Pit out of it." In all honesty, Sunstreaker didn't like that the femme seemed suddenly so interested in Wheeljack. The mech had tried to offline her after all, wasn't that grounds for permanent distrust? 'Aurian trusted a lot of mechs that tried to offline her...like me.' The thought was more than he wanted to deal with at the moment, so instead he started shoving through whatever he could trying to find a hardline he could use since his systems had been locked down and he couldn't just transfer the information through a wireless link like he normally would have.

"Sun, ya look ah little off...what's goin on?" Wheeljack picked up the items needed, not bothering to tell Sunstreaker he had them just yet. The young mech obviously had pent up rage he needed to deal with.

"Just mind your own business!" Sunstreaker snapped. His tone was so sharp, he even startled himself, so he was not surprised when the femme yipped and shrank behind Wheeljack. She was so timid. Aurian wasn't timid. That was not Aurian.

The pain that filled him with that thought was nearly unbearable. The front-liner stumbled a bit but did not fall. His spark still ached horribly for the loss of the human femme, his sister, but the pain wasn't as bad as it had been before. Only _nearly_ unbearable instead of the completely circuit-slagging, spark-shattering, processor-stalling pain it had been.

"Sunny!" The femme moved faster than either mech would have even considered, positioning her small frame under Sunstreaker's arm, pressed against his side to give him some stability. Her hand instantly went to his chest over where his spark pulsed.

To Sunstreaker's amazement – and later, to his dismay – the pain subsided considerably.

"What happened, buddy?" Wheeljack asked softly as he approached the two. Sunstreaker looked steady again, and he didn't want to startle the femme by moving too quickly, but his concerns were strong. Sunstreaker had been of considerable interest to Starscream for some reason, and likely that had left a mark on the golden mech. The question was - how bad, and how deep did the harm go?

"Nothing," Sunstreaker snapped, pulling his arm away from the femme, though he did not move away from her. Instead, he glared down at her, anger and disbelief in his optics. "Just give me the fraggin' tap."

Wheeljack offered one end of the specially designed cable to the front-liner; it was the same one used to plug the drones into the machine that downloaded their programming. "First Aid can unlock yer systems once we find him..." he assured the mech. 'If we find him.' He had to admit to himself that the fact he had not seen the mech in quite some time, and that the medic hadn't been in the med bay, on top of the fact that the organic he knew was the same one First Aid had been talking about had been offlined; there didn't seem to be much hope for his comrade.

"Like it matters," Sunstreaker grumbled as he plugged the tap into one of his hardline jacks. "Sending bulk files."

Wheeljack was already prepared to receive the information, what he did not expect – and what spoke loudly of Sunstreaker's sorrowful state of function – was the emotion that filtered through the download. It was diminished, greatly, but the fact that it came through the tap at all was very telling; the mech was in horrible pain.

* * *

First Aid stared at the spot indignantly. He knew what it was. By now, he was so familiar with the dark red fluid that he didn't have to scan it anymore to know what it was.

"They killed her..." He couldn't believe it. While he had been tucked away safely in the solitary cells, Aurian had been left alone to defend herself against the Decepticons. He shouldn't have left her. "Primus...Sunstreaker..." The story Aurian had told him about being somehow connected to the front-liner drifted through his processor. It was only second thought until he remembered how eerily she had depicted his responses to whatever First Aid thought to ask of him. If it were true, then the mech would be far from reasonable. "Great. Seaspray, did you ever go hand-to-hand with Sunstreaker?"

"Alone?" The mech huffed a disbelieving grunt. "Pit no. That mech's insane."

"Think you could?"

"I repeat; that mech's insane."

"Yeah, well...we may not have a choice." First Aid looked over his comrades. They were a sorry crew for sure, and looking only to get worse as they collected the rest of their comrades.

"What's wrong with Sunstreaker?" Bluestreak's alarm was genuine; he cared about the golden mech.

"I can't say I know for sure, but I suspect he's in much fouler a mood than just being locked in a Decepticon brig might put him in. We'll face that bridge when we get there I guess. Nothing we can do from here." He shook his head, finally tearing his optics away from the dark puddle on the floor. "Put Perceptor on the berth. I'll see what I can do for him before we move on."

"Make it quick," Beachcomber advised. "I doubt we'll have a lot of time."

"Maybe I can at least get him online," First Aid cycled. 'It's my fault; I shouldn't have left her...'

"I'll go keep an eye on the door," Bluestreak offered as he walked away from the others. He wasn't looking forward to facing an angry Sunstreaker, but if the front-liner had been further agitated, he was almost afraid to see what kind of rage the mech was in.

* * *

His optics onlined slowly, his processor took several kliks to catch up with him. What had happened? He tried to sit up, but found himself restrained which brought his processor around a little faster. He was in trouble.

There was someone talking. Actually, there were several 'someones' talking...two different mechs and a femme. Were they his captors?

Trying to access his systems, he found the things he expected; his weapons were either missing or in lockdown, battle programming was also in lockdown, and there were a few minor damages along his frame. What bothered him was that his spark hurt. It was easily on par with a deep battle wound, something that had gone too close to his spark casing. This didn't feel like a 'close call' though, it felt like something had wounded his spark.

An involuntary groan escaped him as the ache pulsed through him.

The voices stopped instantly, and there was the sound of quick footsteps.

"Hey, take it easy. You're comin' outta emergency stasis."

He knew that voice well, but having Wheeljack trying to talk him down after waking from an emergency stasis lock, especially with the way his spark was feeling, wasn't exactly the most calming of things. "'Jack?"

"Yeah."

"What happened?"

The inventor appeared in his line of sight, the mech looked in a rough state himself. It only took Jazz's processor half a klik to diagnose that the cause of Wheeljack's minor injuries was not the usual accidental explosions. The mech had been attacked at least once.

"What's th' last thing ya' remember?" Wheeljack looked Jazz over carefully. First Aid's work had managed to get the mech online, but that seemed to be about it.

Jazz thought for a moment before he remembered the pain, and the shock. Starscream had done something to his chest. "It felt like muh spark was bein' ripped out."

"Yeah, that's about it." Wheeljack vented heavily. "How ya' feelin' now? Anythin' hurt? Feel outta place?"

"Nah, feels okay..." he lied. Jazz felt that his pain was more than likely just a side effect of whatever Starscream had done to him, and there wasn't anything Wheeljack could do for him right now, anyway. It hit him about that moment that he was still in the lab Barricade had escorted him to. A different area, but it was the same lab, he was sure of it. "What are ya' doin' here?"

"Good question, long story, but there really isn't time fer it now. We gotta get outta here before..."

At that moment, the lab doors slid open. Wheeljack motioned for Jazz to lie still as he slipped away. If Starscream had returned, they could be in some serious trouble. He doubted that Sunstreaker would simply hide while the seeker stood in the same room with him without bars separating them.

"Sunstreaker!" First Aid's voice carried through the whole lab, his surprise very apparent.

Wheeljack vented in relief. "Thank Primus." He went to where the medic could see him to wave him over, and was stunned as he saw the rest of the science crew filing in behind him. "Ya found everyone!" Except that a quick head count told him otherwise.

"No," Beachcomber answered sadly. "We couldn't find Mirage."

"And Aur..." First Aid stopped before he spoke the name aloud. He had almost forgotten his concerns for the front-liner with Aurian's deactivation, and looking at him now, he knew that those concerns were not as unfounded as he thought they should be.

Sunstreaker glared at First Aid. He should have been with Aurian, he should have protected her, but he hadn't. His anger flared again, and it burned in his ice blue optics. "She's deactivated," he growled dangerously, his spark pulsing painfully with the words.

The drone was suddenly there, right beside him, looking up at him with those odd optics.

"Get away from me, femme," he snapped, but he still didn't pull away from her. A part of him screamed that he was being weak, that he was letting his pain show through and letting this glitched femme's kindness get to him; but another part begged him to let her stay beside him.

"Sunny..."

"Don't call me that!" This time he did pull away and stormed to another part of the lab. He didn't want to be near anyone at the moment. What he really wanted was to destroy some Decepticons.

_Not yet_. That strange little voice said again.

The femme looked hurt by Sunstreaker's words, but she didn't follow him when he walked away. However, as soon as she realized she was with a bunch of mechs she had yet to meet, she grew instantly nervous.

"Not ta break up th' reunion an all, but could one o'ya cut meh loose?" Jazz's voice carried from where Wheeljack had left him tucked in the corner.

"He's online?" First Aid was quick to move, and Wheeljack followed a little embarrassed that he had not remembered the saboteur sooner.

"Who are you?" Bluestreak felt bad for the femme. Her discomfort was obvious and he was compelled to make sure she knew they would cause her no harm. "What's your designation?"

The femme looked to where Sunstreaker had stormed off, and then to where Wheeljack and First Aid had gone to tend to Jazz. She took a few nervous steps backwards as Bluestreak came closer.

"Hey, we're not going to hurt you," he put his hands out so that she could see there was nothing there. "Don't be afraid, we're the good guys. I'm sure that the Decepticons treated you poorly, but we will take you away from them. You'll be safe with us, I promise."

Still the femme looked unsure and confused, and Bluestreak's continued attempts seemed to do nothing more than scare her.

Seaspray pulled Bluestreak back. "Maybe you should stop talking now."

"But..."

"She doesn't understand you," Sunstreaker grumbled, as he came near the group again. "She doesn't speak Cybertronex." The femme was beside him in an instant, using him to separate herself from the others. "And she doesn't know her designation anyway."

The three standing mechs all looked stunned. Beachcomber almost dropped the still offline Perceptor in his surprise. "How is that even possible?"

"Ask Wheeljack, he's the mastermind behind it." Sunstreaker wasn't happy that he had come back to the femme – but her discomfort was too much for him to take right now. She had done no harm to him, and had even wanted to help him when his spark hurt. The least he could do was let her stay near him and feel safe. 'Why me,' he wondered.

"Thank you," the femme whispered behind him.

"Don't get used to it."

* * *

**This is not the end!**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	101. Journal Entry 101

Happy whatever-you-want-to-call-it. Early update. (only by about an hour, but whatever.)

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: Text in italics, such as: _"This."_ Are spoken in Earth English. I decided it was too confusing and had to define it a bit better. This is what you get. ^_~_  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

::Sideswipe, I really don't think you're up for this.:: Ratchet paced slowly to a position where he could view most of the secluded city they had invaded.

::Shut up, medic. I know what I can do." Truthfully, he felt weak from the waves of pain, anger, and grief that kept washing over him. The only thing that kept him going was Aurian's plea to save Sam. If he did nothing else with his entire life, he wanted to do that for her.

Ratchet grunted skeptically. ::It's very hard to believe that when you are having a hard time moving around.:: The medic truly pitied Sideswipe for the pain he had to be suffering, and he admired him for his drive and strength to continue despite that; but in the end – all he saw was a stubborn youngling refusing to admit that he was hurting.

::Just watch for Sam, old mech. You can worry about me after all of this slag is over.::

'It just doesn't work that way,' the medic thought to himself. He always worried about all of his comrades, but some more than others. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe always had a knack for trouble, and despite the annoyances of dealing with them in his med bay seemingly every other orn, he still worried that next time it would be the scrap heap they visited instead. This time, he was afraid, might be that time.

Sideswipe was stubbornly silent about who had been deactivated, or about even admitting that someone _had_ been deactivated. 'Denial,' Ratchet had decided. The scans and the obvious signs were far too clear to believe anything but sparkshock was trying to settle into the mech's frame. Yet, still he went on. That in its self was amazing due to the fact that more often than not, when suffering sparkshock, the victim fell into a stasis until their spark could better deal with the trauma, or at the very least found themselves nearly immobilized by the pain.

Ratchet was baffled by Sideswipe's ability to keep going. He knew the front-liner twins were tough, and he had witnessed plenty of that strength time and again – even more so after Aurian had become a part of their sibling bond. Thinking back on it, it seemed that the human's connection to them had made them stronger, despite all they had to go through because of it. Or maybe, it was _because _of all they had to go through because of it that they were stronger? Either way, it bothered him to think that it was the human that had been taken from Sideswipe. Not that he wanted Sunstreaker to be gone either...it was such a hard thing to hope either way.

Sideswipe was putting up block after block against the bond he had to the human. Whatever she was going through – because it had to be horrible to make the kind of pain he felt transfer through their bond – was far too distracting for him to focus on what he had to do. Find Sam. Keep him safe. Then, and only then, would he be able to face Aurian on her return. He had failed to protect her, the very least he could do was to protect another human at her request.

He was also blocking Sunstreaker. His twin was also compromising his focus – obviously, he had been too open to Aurian's pain and that was filtering through to Sideswipe too, so by blocking out both bonds, Sideswipe's focus was completely devoted.

When the first plasma bursts came raining down, Sideswipe moved. His rage was vast, and his anger needed outlet. He was strong, fierce, and unstoppable...or so he had felt. Unfortunately, his spark was in obstinate disagreement with him. It wasn't long before he was becoming more of a target than an opponent and he had to retreat or face deactivation himself.

Primus himself must have been looking over them at that moment, because Sideswipe's need to retreat was also what gave him the split-klik sight he had been looking for. "Sam!" He called out in astonishment. "I see Sam!"

* * *

"We're going on without him?" Beachcomber more stated than asked.

The science crew was reunited, plus two more Autobots and a strange femme, aside from one. They still had no idea where Mirage was, or what might have happened to him. They could find no records of him in the hacked systems, and they had already covered as much of the ship as they really could have with the crew members coming from the solitary cells near the officer's quarters, Wheeljack and Sunstreaker coming from the broken down brig on the other end of the ship, and the lab and med bay in between. No inklings had been spotted that Mirage had ever even been brought aboard.

Seaspray seemed to be the only one willing to answer. "We don't have a choice here. The Decepticons won't be gone forever, it's not like we have the luxury of scouring every crevice of this ship."

"There is no record of 'im," Jazz added from where he leaned on one of the consoles. He was up, but he was far from one hundred percent. "Not anywhere, like Ah said before – can't say he was ever brought in."

"None of you saw him?" Sunstreaker questioned irritably.

"It wasn't exactly a peaceful exchange when the Decepticons disabled our ship and took us prisoner, Sunstreaker," Bluestreak snapped. He understood that Sunstreaker was naturally rather short-tempered, and could be hard to deal with – he'd known the mech for longer than he could really remember – but he was growing tired of his currently extra-foul mood. "They overthrew the ship, took us all down, and dragged us into those fraggin' cells and tortured us. Look at Perceptor, for Primus's sake!" He waved a hand to where the small mech had been set for the time being. He was in a sorry state, and even though First Aid assured them all that he would pull through, it seemed questionable by appearance. "I don't think any of us knew for sure who was, and who wasn't there when all was said and done."

Beachcomber placed one hand on Bluestreak's shoulder, offering the mech some support.

Bluestreak had been in charge of their security, and was taking their capture rather personally. On top of that, the notion that perhaps one of their comrades had been deactivated amidst it all was really starting to weigh on him.

"Blue," Beachcomber said, silently assuring him that it wasn't his fault.

_"Why are they so upset?"_ The femme beside Sunstreaker whispered softly.

_"Because we're stuck on a Decepticon ship,"_ Sunstreaker answered without thinking, _"they should be."_

The femme shivered slightly and pulled a little closer to the front-liner. She looked nervously around as if some horrible thing would leap from the walls to harm them. It had only taken a short amount of time to get her to stop cringing every time one of the other mechs moved, but she still seemed timid to be exposed to them.

"We should get movin'," Wheeljack finally spoke up. They were doing nothing but wasting time standing here. "Jazz, ya gonna be all right?"

"Yeah, Ah'm just fine," the mech pulled himself upright as if to prove he was indeed fine. He didn't mention that his spark felt like a swollen fire in its casing. His own optics shifted to the front-liner, though he didn't say anything. He had seen the body held in the mech's hand almost immediately, and he had known Aurian was gone from it. However, he had also seen that Sunstreaker was not suffering full-blown sparkshock – or at least so it seemed – though he did show obvious signs of it, if you knew what you were looking for. He was undeniably sparkbroken to know that Aurian was gone, but something nagging kept telling him not to be sorrowful about it.

Then there was the femme.

She had stayed so close to Sunstreaker that Jazz had not gotten a clear look of her, but he was sure that he had never seen her before. Yet there was something, a whisper on the back of his processor, that was growing louder with each pulse of his spark. He knew something about her...something important.

Taking the initiative, Jazz slid up on the other side of the femme as everyone filed out of the lab. _"Hey there, lil'lady. Ah'm Jazz,"_ he spoke to her in the only language he had heard her use: English. He thought it was a little odd, but strange things did happen and he had learned long ago to just roll with them. _"What's yer designation?"_

_"I-um..." _she stuttered, shifting a little closer to Sunstreaker. She didn't seem to be quite as nervous with Jazz's straightforward approach as she had with Bluestreak's attempt to reach out to her, but she still didn't appear comfortable with the new presence. _"I-I don't know."_

_"Huh," _Jazz didn't move closer, but he didn't move away either. _"Well, what'cha want us ta call ya then?"_

_"Um..." _she looked up at Jazz, and in that moment he knew why he knew the spark that pulsed inside her. _"Wheeljack said I'm a 'proxy drone'. Whatever that's supposed to mean."_

_ "Yer uh far cry from uh drone, lil'lady, but...Proxy doesn't sound so bad on ya."_

_"Proxy? I like it,"_ she agreed with a small nod. _"My name will be Proxy."_ She smiled at Jazz, all of her previous trepidation seeming to melt away in his presence.

Sunstreaker listened to the conversation, refusing to add to it, but also not willing to completely ignore it. 'Proxy,' he thought. The designation wasn't bad, but he just didn't feel like it was the right one for her. Not that he was going to say anything about it. He was honestly relieved that the femme seemed comfortable talking to Jazz; it removed some of the pressure weighing down on him. He didn't have to be as focused on her if Jazz was paying attention to her. It was then that he felt the block Sideswipe had placed on their bond.

Thinking back, he remembered feeling his twin put up the block, but he had been so caught up with the pain in his spark, and his anger, and everything else that had been going on over the past several breems that he hadn't paid the block any attention. 'Sideswipe is with Ratchet, and Jolt,' he assured himself, 'they'll make sure he's taken care of...and he'll do what Aurian asked.'

The group traveled down the hallways unhindered by the few drones they passed completing their programming. Wheeljack led the way, hardly paying much attention to anything around him; he was too busy considering everything that had happened since the science ship's initial capture. He feigned being focused on their route – it was one he had traveled down a few times while searching for parts for drones, and going to service the nurturing pillars he had created. He realized how absurd it was that he had been this way so many times and never once thought to divert his path just enough to even look for his comrades. He didn't question Sunstreaker's anger toward him one bit; as a matter of fact, he was rather impressed the front-liner had remained so calm – considering.

It was simple, he decided. War was no place for a scientist like himself, but he had to deal with what had to be done. The twisted fortunes that brought him here may have been unkind, and his actions may not have been the best, but he had done what he was programmed to do, what he knew he had to do. He simply had to live with the fact that the science of life overrode his loyalties for a time – and had to respect any animosity his comrades may hold to him for it.

Jazz stayed on one side of the recently designated 'Proxy', his keen optics taking in everything about the ship they were currently crossing, seeking the exit that would lead them to where the science ship had been stowed, and also on the femme beside him – though he did try to keep that a little less obvious. He knew he should find a way to destroy the Decepticon ship, blow it clean from existence...it wouldn't be too difficult, but the femme beside him, and the ache of his spark inside him stunted any thoughts of actually acting on that notion.

Sunstreaker kept to the other side of the femme, watching as Jazz interacted with her. He could see the small mech's processor at work even as he kept flawless dialog with Proxy, he knew what Jazz was thinking – mostly – and he couldn't say he disagreed one bit, but they had no idea how much time they had and they needed to be gone long before the 'Con's came back. If nothing more than so that they could return later when they were better equipped and more functional to blow the ship, and all the Decepticons on board to bits. His fingers unconsciously tightened around the cold body in his hand. They all deserved to die.

Glancing at the femme beside him, he noted how she still seemed uncomfortable despite the fact she seemed at ease talking quietly with Jazz. Sunstreaker felt something for the femme – guilt, or sympathy, or...he wasn't sure what but he knew it wasn't a _good_ feeling.

Even though he knew it couldn't be true, and that there were far too many variables to prove otherwise; a part of him still hoped that perhaps this was what it had seemed to be in that brief moment the femme had laid optics on the body in his hand; that Aurian's spark, or soul, or whatever human's called it, had somehow been transferred into this new body and she would still be with them. If for nothing else than for Sideswipe's sake. Still, the pain in his spark and the lack of connection through their bond was really all the evidence he needed to know that – though this femme was some form of miracle – this was not, _could not be_, Aurian.

Just as he turned his optics forward again, he heard a small sound of alarm from the femme. Everyone stopped to see what had startled Proxy.

She had stopped suddenly near one of the junctions that lead to the main cargo hold. Before anyone could say anything to her, she rushed to one of the doors and opened it as quickly as she could, though she did not cross the threshold. Optics wide, one hand at her mouth the other limp against the release mechanism, she stared at the contents of the room.

_"What is it?"_ Sunstreaker felt mildly annoyed by the delay but something in his spark told him that whatever she had seen, he wasn't going to like.

Looking back, it took no time at all for Wheeljack to realize what the femme had found. Her drone programming would only allow her access to a few rooms after all, and he knew right where they were. "Oh, no..." He rushed back toward the femme, cursing himself for not having paid attention to where they were traveling. Of course, she _would_ react, even if the drone protocol had not been loaded into her memory core, she was a femme – that much he couldn't deny now – it was ingrained in their entire creation to care... "Th' hatchlin's, Ah fergot."

"Hatchlin's?" Jazz was drawn from his plans of destruction and followed the femme's gaze; Sunstreaker had already moved to stand behind her. Looking down the long corridor, lined in blue-glowing 'eggs', Jazz suddenly understood. "Sparklin's..."

_"I...can feel them,"_ Proxy whispered softly. She stepped forward, hesitantly, and reached for the nearest spark in its egg-like sac. _"I can feel them all..."_

Touching the sac, she became entirely entranced by the small light within. It flared, and seemed to dance under her touch. She made soft, sweet sounds for the little light, as everything else around her seemed to fade away. She only cared about that little light, and the others that were like it.

_"Proxy,"_ Sunstreaker spoke the new designation a bit awkwardly, attempting to draw the femme's attention, to no avail. He looked to the others for help, but they were all taken by the sight before them. All but Wheeljack that was.

_"Come on, femme, there ain't nothin' ya can do fer'em right now. We gotta get outta here."_ Wheeljack tried to break her line of view by standing in front of her, but it seemed she could see right through him.

_"I can't just leave them,"_ she finally said, almost absently, trying to move around the inventor to get to more of the sparks that called to her.

Wheeljack stared in disbelief at the femme, and then to the sparks that brightened and wiggled as she came close to them. How would they even think of moving so many? Or even a few? They had nothing they would need to transport one, let alone all of the undeveloped sparks.

_"You can't stay here,"_ Sunstreaker stated. There was no room for argument in his tone, and the hand that he grabbed the femme's arm with was unwilling to let her go either.

Proxy finally looked away from the sparks; her constantly color-shifting optics looked up at him with fear. _"They won't be safe!"_

_"What do you think you can do about it, femme?"_ Sunstreaker growled. _"You've got no weapons, no armor, no battle-programming, and your frame is nowhere near battle quality. How do you think _you_ will save _them_?"_

The femme looked terrified by Sunstreaker's words – or perhaps by him, he couldn't really tell – but his message was clear.

"Sun," Wheeljack tried to pull the larger mech away from the small femme, "yer scarin' her."

"He's right, though," Jazz said hesitantly as he fingered one of the small sacs. It brightened with his attention, but nowhere near to how they reacted to Proxy's presence. "There ain't much we can do right now. We'll have ta plan on comin' back."

"Hey, uh...what is all of this?" Bluestreak asked from where he and the others were standing. "What's the hold up?"

"It's..." First Aid could see the eggs, and he knew exactly what they were even without hearing the conversation taking place in the Earth language only part of them understood. "They're sparklings," he admitted. He too was struggling with trying to find some solution to this predicament. He had never thought that so many of the strange sparks created in the med bay and then sent to the lab would have survived. A large part of him was wishing none of them had survived because then they wouldn't have to be trying to figure the impossible by trying to save them.

"Sparklings?" Beachcomber and Bluestreak intoned at the same time. Both stunned by the revelation.

"Please," First Aid begged, "don't ask. We can explain it all later...just not right now." The medic was torn because he clearly saw there was no solution to this problem.

Wheeljack too was quickly coming to that conclusion. If he had more time, maybe he could make some form of incubator that would sustain at least a few of the sparks until they found another source of energon to create the nutrition pillars with...assuming they found more energon at all. "It would take orns..." he muttered to himself.

_"Kill them."_

All the mechs that understood the softly spoken words grew stiff with shock. Proxy had not spoken with the coolness of a murderer, or with the morning of one who just requested the annihilation of what could easily be thousands of innocent lives, but in a tone that spoke of defeat.

_"What're ya sayin'?" _ Jazz looked deep into the odd optics of the small femme. She only met his gaze for a split second before turning to Sunstreaker.

_"We have to kill them, Sunny!"_ She begged desperately.

_"You're insane...right?" _ Sunstreaker didn't believe his own words. He could see it in the femme's optics that she had thought this through very carefully, even if she had come to this decision in what seemed to be an unreasonably short time. It was almost as if she had already been given the outcomes, and knew which one she would rather choose for the innocent sparks surrounding them.

Seeming to think that Sunstreaker would not heed her request, Proxy turned to the inventor. _"Please, we can't just leave them to die at Megatron's hands! If we..."_ she choked for a moment before she continued, _"If we can't save them, we have to kill them quickly, with kindness, before he does so with hatred! They will suffer if we abandon them!"_

_"How do you even know Megatron will be coming here?" _ Sunstreaker glared at the femme. She didn't even know her own designation, yet she was so certain that Megatron – the mech that had been deactivated for the past two Earth years – would return here. He looked to Wheeljack for an instant, wondering if maybe some of the drone programming the femme might have downloaded could have given her that notion.

Wheeljack simply shook his head slowly, indicating that was not the case. Starscream had been the one to check and approve the programming, if there was any Decepticon name the femme would have gotten from that, it would have been his.

Looking down at her, he could see that she was honest in her prediction – and to be truthful, none of them could argue that it would end otherwise; after all, Megatron had been the one to order the destruction of the femmes, sparklings, and younglings in the first place. Why would he tolerate new sparks developing right here, in his own ship?

_"Ah...Ah can't, femme..."_ Even the notion of destroying so many sparks sickened Wheeljack. There was no way he could accomplish the task and still live with himself.

He looked to the others, seeking anyone who had a better answer, or might possess the spark to do the task asked of them.

"Why do I get the feeling I don't like what this femme is saying?" Seaspray finally spoke up after none of the 'drone language' speaking mechs appeared as though they were going to relate the strange femme's obviously desperate demands.

"Because," a new voice broke in, "she wants to destroy them." A familiar black and white mech approached from the direction the group had been traveling, before this fiasco had fallen upon them.

"Barricade," Sunstreaker snarled viciously, "too much of a coward to join in the battle on Earth?"

Before anyone could stop her, the small femme weaved through the others and wrapped her arms around the disapproving mech. _"'Cade! You're okay!"_

_"Get off me, femme!"_ He pushed the silver-blue frame away from him. Even though his expression was one of disapproval, his optics were questioning. He studied the small, nervous creature before him; she looked entirely uncomfortable in her frame and she seemed far _too_ comfortable with him. _"You do not wish to take them with you?"_

Her slightly hopeful expression turned to one of pure anguish, _"How? There is no way we can carry them all, and even if we could, we have no way to support them," _the femme spoke as though she had read all of Wheeljack, and First Aid's thoughts, _"...what else can we do?"_ A pained whimper escaped her as she looked from one mech to the next, all of them looking at her as though she were something completely unbelievable. _"I don't want them to die...Gods, I don't...but I _can't_ leave them to suffer whatever Megatron will do to them! He won't let them live and I doubt he'll take the time to ensure they go peacefully! I can't live knowing..."_ This time, her vocalizer momentarily gave out with a pathetic screech of parts ceasing, leaving her with only silent pleas.

"What she saying?" Bluestreak was quickly concluding that he was going to have to learn this new language – soon. All of this back and forth without knowing half of it was frustrating.

"That Megatron will kill them." Sunstreaker stated bluntly.

"Like he did b'fore." Jazz agreed.

"Primus..." Beachcomber turned to the corridor, his optics taking in the thousands of eggs at different levels of development and not a one of them at a stage where it would likely survive outside of their protective sac. There was no hope for these 'hatchlings' outside of this carefully crafted set up. "I...I'll do it." He offered, much to the surprise of his comrades.

"You don't have time." Barricade glared down at the small femme in front of him. His processor and his spark where in agreement and he decided there was only one thing to do. _"I will do it...femme. Get your Autobots out of here."_

_ "Come with us..."_

_ "No,"_ Barricade cut off whatever reason, or promise, or plea the femme was about to spout at him, he had no desire to hear it. _"If you want these things taken care of properly, it will take time. Time that you and these...mechs...do not have to spare if you want to be far enough away to escape capture before the others return. I have been receiving reports on the battle – as it is, things are going to be over soon."_

"You're helping us get away," Sunstreaker stated flatly, he didn't believe that Barricade had _their_ lives in mind with whatever he was doing.

"I'm helping _her_ get away," Barricade nodded toward the femme between them, a full glare directed at the warrior challenging him. "You just happen to be lucky enough that she cares to keep you with her. That and it is a fulfillment of a promise I made to a deactivated human femme."

The statement hung heavy between Sunstreaker and Barricade. On one hand, Sunstreaker could easily blame Barricade for all of this – too easily actually – but the fact that he admitted that he was carrying out Aurian's wishes hindered his accusations. He still had no love, or forgiveness, to be given for the mech that he was sure had betrayed them; however, he simply could not deny any, _any_, of Aurian's last wishes from being carried out.

"I will get even with you someday," Sunstreaker promised. To any who didn't know the history leading up to this very moment – they may have thought that it was a promise of good will, not of destruction. Jazz; however, knew the difference.

_"'Cade..."_ the femme looked from the Autobots behind her, to the Decepticon in front of her. _"Don't...don't die, okay?"_

_ "Get out of here, before I change my mind."_ His words were harsh, but spoken with familiarity. Almost like an inside joke between friends.

With a soft smile, the femme hugged him again – which caused Barricade to stiffen uncomfortably – then looked back down the corridor of hatchlings with longing, a pained expression fixing into all her features. _"Goodbye...children."_ She whispered as she ran down the hallway they had been traveling, not truly caring if she was headed in the right direction or if anyone was following. She just had to be away from them before she broke down and couldn't move at all.

_"Wait!" _Sunstreaker ran after the femme. He couldn't blame her for running, this had to be the hardest moment for any one of them, but for a young femme it would be near impossible. Even he knew that.

"Why do I get the feeling I know that femme?" Barricade questioned as the other Autobots started following at a slightly slower pace.

"'Cause ya probably do, 'Cade." Jazz answered as he passed the mech. He paused for a moment, allowing the other Autobots to move some distance away before turning to look at him. "Ya know ya don't belong here any more, right?"

"I don't _belong_ anywhere, Autobot," the black and white mech growled, though his head did dip slightly in acknowledgment of what the saboteur was actually implying. "Perhaps I will see you around."

"Just don't aim fer muh face," Jazz joked as he trotted to catch up with his comrades.

"Ya think he's gunna do it?" Wheeljack asked as the smaller mech approached. "Or is this just another trick by another 'Con?"

Jazz didn't even have to think it over. "He'll do it, an' he'll do it right."

.~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~.*.~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~.

**This is not the end!**

Okay, I know that parts of this seem really...well, rough, but I swear I worked it out as best I could to fit the plotline I wish to follow with this. Please forgive the more uncomfortable, or WTF, sections in favor of later developments. Kthanxbye!

Interesting reccomendation for anyone interested in reading what humans might be like as 'pets' for Movie-verse (mostly) Transformers. Very good. And the more reviews this author gets, the more likely I'll get to read an update sooner than later. ^_~ (okay, so, not only is it good but yes, I'm pushing for quick updates too with review bribery.)

It is called 'Property Of' by hydraling110. Here is the summery: During a Cybertronian 'peace,' ex-Cons decide to hide the sentience of and sell humans as pets to secure Earth. Sam and Mikaela might just be the first to grasp the reality of the situation alongside their new mech owner.

If you go, I'd appreciate you let hydraling110 know that I sent ya that way. ^_~

**On another note!** I'm looking for songs to do one shots with. Any thoughts? It's very helpful to have words in the songs - even though some non-worded songs can inspire writing, I'm looking for things that have spoken meanings that I can manipulate. If you have a thought, feel free to drop it my way! (I'm looking for any and all genres, so feel free to drop anything, and your thoughts on who/what you think the song might represent.)

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	102. Journal Entry 102

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: Text in italics, such as: _"This."_ Are spoken in Earth English. I decided it was too confusing and had to define it a bit better. This is what you get. ^_~_  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The small group traveled in silence for the rest of the distance to the hatch they were looking for. No one wanted to disturb the surrealism of what was going on.

They were escaping, unhindered, from a Decepticon ship – aided by one of their worst enemies; a Decepticon well-known for not taking prisoners, or allowing his foes to escape him – with a strange femme that none of them could even begin to explain, and allowing thousands of innocent – albeit scientifically engineered by means of several organic lives – sparks to be destroyed. What kind of Autobots were they?

Each of them had to come to terms with all of this on their own. Needless to say, none of them felt quite like they deserved to carry their faction insignia at the moment. Even Sunstreaker, who claimed to care little, if at all, about the lives of others, still felt rather poorly about allowing it to happen, but he couldn't argue with the odd femme's logic. Megatron would have no pity for the undeveloped things – they could not carry weapons and therefore were of no use to him. He would not care to take the time needed for the sparks to fully develop and to become anything more than simple beings unable to carry more than just the basic functions.

Sooner than they could really process, they were at the hatch, with Jazz hacking the codes to remove the last barrier between them and their ship. That was when the silence was finally broken.

Proxy screeched a horrible sound as she collapsed ungracefully to the floor, arms wrapped around her chest in pain.

"What's happening?" Sunstreaker demanded as both he and First Aid reached for the femme, kneeling beside her.

"I-I'm not sure!" First Aid was already running a second set of scans on the odd femme while he tried to keep her from thrashing too much. "If I didn't know better...I'd say she's suffering from the sparklings' deactivation."

"She shouldn' of been able ta bond so quickly!" Wheeljack stated in enamored, horrified, awe.

"Do something for her!" Sunstreaker roared, destroying any sense of quiet that may have remained after the femme's own cry of pain.

First Aid shook his head, his own frustration mounting. "I can't!" He locked optics with the enraged front-liner, only to find that it wasn't anger in his comrade's optics, it was fear. "I don't have any equipment, Sunstreaker. There's nothing I can do for her until I can get her to some place with a functional facility."

Sunstreaker only held their locked gaze for a few more kliks before he scooped up the squirming femme, holding her tight against his chest, and turned his seeming ire on the saboteur. "Jazz,"

"Already got it, Sunny, don't 'cha worry." With his words, the door released revealing their escape into openness. "Hold up a klik, lemme go make a visual."

The science vessel was supposed to be parked just outside the partially destroyed Decepticon ship; being too big for any available hangars, and with the docking equipment damaged on both ships, there was nowhere else to put it. However, as Jazz peeked out... "It ain't there!"

"Damn it! Mirage!" Seaspray growled, pushing the smaller saboteur out of his way so that he could see for himself "I told you he'd..."

Before Seaspray could finish his 'I told you so' speech, the high-pitched whirring of engines vibrated through the hull of the ship they were currently standing in.

Everyone that could see through the open doorway looked up, where their very familiar, and patchily repaired ship was sliding down to their level. Waiting for them at the docking hatch was none other than their missing comrade.

"I knew he wouldn't go without us!" Beachcomber crowed energetically.

There were a few more cheers for the missing mech's return, but there was a rush put on their reunion.

"Move it!" Sunstreaker growled even as the ship was just reaching a point that they could jump the distance.

Mirage offered a hand to each of his comrades as they came across, hesitating when Sunstreaker came carrying a writhing femme.

"Where did she come from?" He asked bluntly.

"Ask Wheeljack," was all Sunstreaker would say before glaring First Aid into action.

The medic quickly led him to where his small, but functional medical station was.

There wasn't a whole lot of room inside the science ship, mostly a large open space with stations set up for each function that needed to occur within the ship, and small, multi-mech rooms with stacked berths for recharging. Needless to say, 'personal space' wasn't a luxury allotted during travel, but they usually made up for that whenever they made landing by setting up temporary barracks on the surface.

"Put her here, I can give her something to help calm her down for a while. Hopefully, it'll get her through the worst of it." First Aid was already shuffling through his diminished supplies. The Decepticons had seen fit to remove much of what was on the ship, but thankfully, not all.

Sunstreaker started to lay the femme on the portable berth as First Aid had instructed, but Proxy latched onto him fearfully.

_"Don't let go!"_ She begged.

_"I'll stay right here,"_ he promised.

Proxy didn't seem to entirely believe him, but allowed herself to be placed on the berth. She kept one small hand tightly latched onto Sunstreaker's forearm armor, preventing him from moving away, had he any intentions to do so. The contact allowed the mech to feel the steady quivering traveling through her entire frame.

"What is her problem?" Mirage asked as he came to look over the femme, and Sunstreaker's odd behavior toward her. He had to wonder what trouble the femme had found at the hands of the Decepticons – her frame was patchy in places, and she looked to have more drone form than femme form to her. Not that she was entirely unattractive, but definitely below what he would consider proper.

Sunstreaker turned on the spy with pure fire in his lines, and defensive distaste in his optics. "Why aren't you flying the ship?"

"Jazz took over. He seemed to believe we need to take cover before any Decepticons make their return trip." Mirage paced around the berth, examining the femme sprawled there. She was obviously in pain, likely because of whatever the Decepticons had done to her. "Who is she?"

"Her designation is 'Proxy'," Wheeljack answered, seeing the chances of violence between the spy and the front-liner quickly rising. "She's..."

"None of your concern," Sunstreaker growled, glancing at Wheeljack in pure challenge to reveal any more than that.

"If you would, please," First Aid interjected, "I could really use some space to work." He moved next to the berth, opposite Sunstreaker, which forced Mirage either to move, or to stand uncomfortably close to the front-liner. The spy was quick to back away.

Sunstreaker made a slight motion to where the femme had clutched his armor as explanation for why he was not moving, and why he had no intention of trying.

First Aid nodded in acceptance; the femme must have been terrified on top of the pain she was obviously experiencing, though it seemed the further from the Decepticon ship they traveled, the less violent her reactions were. "That is odd," he commented to himself.

If this was truly some form of sparkshock she was suffering due to the deactivation of so many sparklings, 'those poor things', then it shouldn't matter the distance from the source in relevance to the reaction. However, that oddity wasn't about to be the only one the medic discovered while systematically scanning the femme.

"Where's her sparkcasing?" He asked with no small amount of alarm. He had been checking the lines feeding into, and out of the femme's spark when he discovered that the very important casing was absent. Instead, it looked as though her spark were simply trapped between rough constructions in her chest cavity.

The medic's alarm drew Wheeljack back to the berth. He had never considered that, while building the frame, he had not included a spark case because it was supposed to be nothing more than a drone. Many of the systems were the same due to the fact that drones were built off the basis of Cybertronian form – including a power source where a spark would normally be contained, but there was no need for a spark casing to contain the power source. "Uh, well..." he was stuck between admitting the truth – First Aid wouldn't likely condemn him for it, he had only built a drone after all; the fact that a spark had apparently taken residence was not his fault – and wondering just what kind or repercussions may come of the lack of proper casing. "She doesn't have one," he finally said.

First Aid's alarm didn't fade any at the admission, instead, it increased. "What happened to it? This casing...it isn't even...there's nothing holding her spark _in_!"

Sunstreaker, for all of the alarm and stress elevating around him, was thankful that Proxy didn't understand what was being said. Maybe it would have been easier beforehand if she had known and spoken Cybertronex, but now it was definitely an enormous benefit. He tried not to watch the exchange between the medic and the inventor, in hopes that containing his own personal alarm might help keep the femme from any further distress.

For her part, Proxy seemed unaware of the rising levels of alarm around her. She was in a glazed state of mind that Sunstreaker attributed to the mix of her own discomfort, and whatever First Aid had found to give her.

"Is that even possible?" Mirage asked from where he had retreated near the energon dispenser on the opposite side of the open space.

First Aid was already consumed in planning his next steps. He had to do something to secure the femme's spark, or risk separation – followed by deactivation.

Wheeljack looked to the spy with a rather helpless expression. "Apparently so...but, well, see, it shouldn' be. Ah kinda...built that frame for a drone. Ah wasn't expectin' a spark ta move in."

"Wait," Seaspray spoke up from somewhere near the front of the ship as he started moving back towards the excitement. "You _built_ her?"

"Well, salvaged mostly, but yeah. Ah was buildin' drones...this one just happened ta...Ah don't even know. She came online prematurely an' started glitchin' out. Didn't even finish downloadin' the base programmin'."

"So, you have brought us a damaged drone?" Mirage commented.

"She has a spark!" Sunstreaker snapped, finally unable to take any more of the conversation stoically. He shifted his glare to the spy over his shoulder. "She's not a drone!"

Mirage didn't seem to feel threatened by Sunstreaker's glare; something about him being restricted by this odd being's grip on his arm diminished his fear-factor. "Then, at the very least, it is a severely malfunctioning femme."

"The point is," First Aid snapped, drawing everyone's attention, "_she _is in danger of deactivation, and_ I_ have work to do. If you are going to argue, go somewhere else. Otherwise, I would really appreciate some silence." Then, without taking a moment to consider how his outburst affected the mechs around him, he turned his attentions back to the femme struggling on his medical berth. _"I don't want to alarm you," _he said softly to her, infusing his voice with as much kindness, and confidence as he was able, _"but you are in a dangerous physical condition. I am going to have to conduct some emergency repairs..."_ what he was most worried about was that, while he had enough supplies to concoct a makeshift casing – not recommended for the purpose he intend in the least bit, but it would do – he no longer had the equipment needed to induce a medical stasis.

_"Emergency?"_ The femme squirmed uncomfortably; both from her personal discomfort and from the nervousness that arose within her at the white mech's words.

_"Your spark is not secure,"_ he saw no reason not to inform the femme of the truth. This was likely something she was going to suffer some side effects from for a good long while, she had the right to know what was causing it. _"I have to encase it to prevent it from separating from your frame. However, I don't have what I need to make this easy on you. It will be painful, but you are going to have to remain as still as possible."_

Proxy laughed. It was entirely humorless and sounded more like a feeble replacement for fear. _"Sure, no problem..."_ Her optics shifted back to Sunstreaker, who was still offering vile glares for Mirage as the mech wandered away under the insistence of Bluestreak and Beachcomber.

Seaspray had only remained long enough to spare the – now even odder – femme a thorough look-over before returning to the front of the ship, but Wheeljack remained nearby to offer what help he might. He was used to acting as a stand-in aide for the medic – and others he had worked with – it was almost second nature.

Sunstreaker grew stiff as he felt an oddly familiar sensation in his spark, and then turned back to the femme, optics slitted in confusion. _"Of course I'll stay..."_ he answered verbally to the question he had felt in his spark.

_"Thank you,"_ Proxy whispered.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe stood overlooking the damage of the small desert town they had invaded.

It was over. Optimus was standing again – even now he was walking back toward them from his victory over The Fallen, looking every bit as online and powerful as ever; more-so even, if that was possible – and despite a moment where everyone had been sure Sam had been offlined, the young human was standing with Mikaela, very much online as well.

He had succeeded. Maybe not personally: the others had every bit to do with the success of this mission – and Arcee had lost at least one of her drones, if not both – but still it had been a success. He had kept to Aurian's plea.

As if that knowledge set him free to finally submit to everything his spark felt, Sideswipe collapsed, no longer having the drive to remain upright and functional.

"Ratchet!" He heard somebody call, though the voice was somewhat distant and muted by his own systems shutting down for the time being. "Sideswipe, where are you damaged?" The voice asked, but that was the last thing he heard.

Ratchet didn't need a second call. He turned his attention from where Optimus was limping back towards them, to where Sideswipe had fallen haphazardly into one of the native buildings. "Frag." He scolded himself silently for allowing his attentions to be removed fully from the front-liner; he had known something was going to happen, and he had allowed his back to be turned when it had. ::Jolt, scans?::

::I can't really tell. His systems are so stressed, I can't pinpoint the source.:: The blue medic answered from where he bent over the silver warrior. ::He's going into stasis.::

'Frag it all!' Ratchet rushed to help the younger medic.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe's optics came into focus painfully slow. At first, he didn't know where he was, or what had happened. He moved to sit up, but quickly changed his mind once he felt the ache pulsing through his frame. Despite whatever recharge he may have been in, he was exhausted and sore.

Battle, he remembered there had been a battle. It had been hot and sandy...Egypt. Yes, now he remembered. They had been fighting the Decepticons over a sun harvester, and Optimus...Optimus had returned and defeated The Fallen, driving off the remaining Decepticons. He remembered nothing beyond that point. Why had he shut down so unexpectedly?

The weight in his spark reminded him, along with the complete void of any feedback from his bonds. He remembered the blocks, and timidly began removing the one between his twin and himself.

There was hardly a klik delay before Sunstreaker realized the reopened bond. 'Sides! Are you okay?'

'I'm functional...I think...you?'

'Functional,' Sunstreaker agreed.

There was a long breem of nothing but their emotions feeding back and forth. Sunstreaker had come to terms with Aurian's deactivation, though there was still some confusion surrounding it – while Sideswipe still astutely refused to believe it.

'Did you...' the silver twin began, then realized he really didn't want to know.

Sunstreaker, however, knew what his brother had been about to ask, and felt it was important to make sure Sideswipe understood the truth before he had to face it physically. 'I am bringing her home, Sides. I...have her now.'

Sideswipe's spark fluttered with hope at first, and then it sank in. Sunstreaker _had come to terms_. There was no question now, Aurian was gone.

A soft keen escaped his vocalizer as it finally hit him with full force, shattering his thin shield of denial. It was enough to alert the only other mech in the area to his consciousness.

"Sideswipe," the CMO's voice was soft, sympathetic, everything Sideswipe did not want to hear at that moment. "Are you fully online?" Ratchet didn't really need to ask, he could tell from scanning the mech laid out on a medical berth that he was completely online, but his systems were still showing high levels of stress.

Sideswipe ignored the medic, instead choosing to focus on the ceiling he now knew he had seen before. They were back at Diego Garcia, and he was in the med bay.

'Listen, I...I'm a little busy right now,' Sunstreaker offered in the closest thing to an apology he was likely to give, 'but I needed to tell you that we're out of Decepticon hands. The science crew was recovered, and we have Jazz too. We will be returning to Earth as soon as we can, but right now, we're in hiding. The ship was pretty heavily damaged in the initial capture, so if we were to try and make the run, the 'Con's would pick us out easily. It might be an orn or two, but we're coming.'

'Okay,' Sideswipe groaned. He took the encouragement his twin was offering for as much as he could. His spark ached horribly and he just didn't want to be online at the moment, but at least he could hold to the idea that his brother _was_ coming home. 'I'll tell Optimus."

'Optimus?'

'Yeah,' the small joy - in comparison to what they both currently suffered - of the return of their mighty leader was meager, but it was something. 'Sam's plan worked. Optimus is back among the functioning and The Fallen has been sent to the Unmaker.'

'That's...great news.' Sunstreaker was truly thrilled to hear it, but somehow it felt like a slap in the face. Aurian had called it, had nearly told them every step of the events that had taken place, and yet she had been unable to protect herself from the fate that had befallen her. Why had she not seen some way for her to come through all of this as well?

"Sideswipe?" Ratchet persisted, running his initial exams despite the front-liner's continued silence. He knew the mech was online. "Do you know where you are?"

'I have to go now, Sides.'

'Sunny...' he hesitated for a moment, 'I'll see you when you get here.'

'Yeah.' Despite the simple words, their emotional bond spoke the volumes of 'I'm sorry', and 'I miss you', and 'It hurts so much', and a million other things that neither could seem to say, but felt they had to.

"Sideswipe," Ratchet pushed again, this time his hand rested on the silver mech's chest while he leaned over to look into his optics.

"The science crew escaped the Decepticons. They're hiding out, but they'll make planetfall sometime in the next couple orns."

The statement was so sudden, and so unexpected, that Ratchet could only stare dumbly for a klik before it registered what had been said. "You were in touch with one of them?"

"Yeah..." he offlined his optics, taking a moment to prepare for what he knew would be coming. "Sunstreaker said that they all made it out, Jazz included."

Ratchet's cooling system hitched at the words. He knew now who had been offlined, and it was a bittersweet feeling. Sunstreaker had made it out alive – the twins truly needed one another, and he was thankful that they had not been separated – but it meant that Aurian had not. "I am sorry for your loss," the medic offered even as he finished his examination.

"_My_ loss?" Sideswipe felt incredibly put out by the sentiment. "She was important to a lot of us!" He shoved himself into a sitting position, much to the disapproval of the CMO looking over him.

"You need to rest," Ratchet attempted to prevent Sideswipe from rising, but found that the weakened mech's ire was enough to restore quite a bit of his waning strength.

"I'll be in my quarters," he informed the medic as he began his angry trek from the med bay. He didn't make it as far as the door before he was seeking some form of support.

"You need recharge and energon, Sideswipe..."

"I'll be fine," he insisted as he stumbled the rest of the way to the door. He wasn't completely unstable, just sluggish and stumbling a bit as he made his way to his room. He didn't want to be around anyone right now, he just needed time to process...to accept.

Ratchet let the young warrior go. There was little point in forcing him to remain in the med bay when there was nothing he could do for him anyway. If Sideswipe wanted to be in his quarters, where he was more than likely more comfortable than he would be in the med bay, then so be it. The grieving period was hardly the time to enforce his personal preference on the mech.

::Optimus, I have...news.:: Ratchet felt a little awkward approaching his once-deactivated leader and friend with the news he had just acquired. Optimus had recovered in the few Earth days that it had taken them to return to Diego Garcia, at least mostly, and had done wonders about repairing a lot of the damage wrought by the Decepticons, but he had lamented quite often over not having Aurian there to help him in the negotiations with the humans. Galloway's extended unintentional vacation in Egypt had been extremely beneficial in the aspect that it had allowed Sam to step into the liaison position long enough to settle some of the more sensitive situations, but still, Sam had turned down the offer to step into the position permanently.

The young man had returned to his college classes – with open arms from the school, eager to have the boy who helped save the world back among their ranks; even if that notion was being systematically chipped down into nothing more than a rumor to provide him with some opportunity for the 'normal life' he still sought – leaving the Autobots, once again, without a human representative.

::Is it good?:: The Autobot leader wasn't eager to hear anything that wasn't a solution to one of his many current problems, but news was news and he had to be receptive.

::Partially.:: Ratchet vented harshly before continuing. ::The science team has escaped the Decepticons and they are on their way here, along with Jazz, and Sunstreaker.:: He spoke quickly, not wanting to drag out the part of this particular bit of news that he knew Optimus would catch immediately.

::I understand.:: The sorrow in Optimus's voice was no more, and no less than it would have been to hear Sunstreaker had been the one taken from them. The mech knew he was going to have to face the loss of someone that meant quite a bit to him and his crew, and had not wanted to face the truth of who any more than anyone else wanted to. ::I will inform the others.::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

The silence of his quarters was too imposing, as if it mocked him with the fact that Aurian's voice would never fill the air again, that her bond would forever hang in his spark just as silent, never to wake again.

Sideswipe could not stand it.

He hadn't even crossed the threshold into the room before he had decided that he wasn't going to stay there. He had somewhere else – anywhere else – to be. With that decision made, he only entered long enough to find the remains of his secret stash of high grade before turning to seek out some other place of solitude that didn't make him think of the woman that would never be returning to him.

The silver front-liner was so wrapped in his mission to find such a place that he hadn't noticed the large, black, mech that was watching over every move he made.

Ironhide vented softly with a mix of pity and frustration. He had seen Sideswipe leave the med bay and had followed him to be sure he reached his destination in one piece. 'Should have known the youngling would go for his high grade and a hiding place,' he noted to himself. He continued to follow, just out of easy perception of the front-liner.

When Optimus made the general announcement to all of the Autobots that Aurian Fae Towns had been lost to them, even he found the ground a little too unstable to tread flawlessly. It was only a moment, then it was gone. The weapons specialist was well used to losing comrades by now – just as the rest of them were – but even the familiarity with the sorrow was not enough to stop it from pinging in his spark like it always did. He offered up a short wish of a speedy trip to her afterlife before returning his focus to the young mech he had been following. Quietly, he promised to watch over the twin for Aurian's sake.

.~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~.*.~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~~...~.

**This is not the end!**

Okay, I know that parts of this seem really...well, rough, but I swear I worked it out as best I could to fit the plotline I wish to follow with this. Please forgive the more uncomfortable, or WTF, sections in favor of later developments. Kthanxbye!

Interesting reccomendation for anyone interested in reading what humans might be like as 'pets' for Movie-verse (mostly) Transformers. Very good. And the more reviews this author gets, the more likely I'll get to read an update sooner than later. ^_~ (okay, so, not only is it good but yes, I'm pushing for quick updates too with review bribery.)

It is called 'Property Of' by hydraling110. Here is the summery: During a Cybertronian 'peace,' ex-Cons decide to hide the sentience of and sell humans as pets to secure Earth. Sam and Mikaela might just be the first to grasp the reality of the situation alongside their new mech owner.

If you go, I'd appreciate you let hydraling110 know that I sent ya that way. ^_~

**On another note!** I'm looking for songs to do one shots with. Any thoughts? It's very helpful to have words in the songs - even though some non-worded songs can inspire writing, I'm looking for things that have spoken meanings that I can manipulate. If you have a thought, feel free to drop it my way! (I'm looking for any and all genres, so feel free to drop anything, and your thoughts on who/what you think the song might represent.)

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	103. Journal Entry 103

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: Text in italics, such as: _"This."_ Are spoken in Earth English. I decided it was too confusing and had to define it a bit better. This is what you get. ^_~_  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The ship hung like an awkward ornament behind a large, slow-moving piece of space rock. Jazz had expressed his confidence that, as long as the Decepticons didn't look too hard, they wouldn't find them. The passengers aboard were all trapped in a high-tension silence, not truly knowing what to say to one another at this point.

Jazz had found himself one of the stacked berths to recharge on for a few joors, much to First Aid's approval and insistence. Beachcomber and Seaspray had done the same, seeking the first decent recharge they would likely have since their capture.

Mirage continued to drift around the main area of the ship, examining everything there was to see – including the 'bots – as if he didn't already know it all by spark. His actions would have seemed odd, if everyone wasn't already uncomfortably tense. Any watching him assumed it was his way of dealing with the awkwardness.

First Aid split his time between the odd femme, Perceptor – who had yet to come back online, and checking on everyone else. It had taken several stressful joors to get the femme's spark secured. The stress levels only elevating during the process when the femme had gone offline, but not into stasis like the medic had been sure she would have.

As he assisted First Aid through the emergency procedure, Wheeljack had quietly offered the theory that since the femme had been built as a drone, her systems didn't have the safety protocol required to go into a stasis lock...of any level.

"Why don't ya grab a few joors o' recharge, Aid?" Wheeljack prompted as the exhausted medic paced past him. "Everyone else is about as good as they're gonna get fer the orn, an' ya look pretty beat yerself."

First Aid just shook his head as he looked over Perceptor again. The mech was recovering fine; however, he still had not come back online and that was concerning the medic. He kept assuring himself that he was just being paranoid. The small researcher had suffered some heavy damages; he just needed plenty of rest to recover. Still, a part of First Aid was having trouble believing that.

"Aid, ya need recharge."

"I can't. Not until I know these two are going to recover." First Aid's attention switched back to the femme as she started groaning. He paused for a moment at the oddity that had come to exist at the berth where Proxy lay somewhere between a semi-recharge state, and entirely online.

Sunstreaker had refused – with a far more dangerous look than if someone had told him his paint was chipped – to move even an inch from the femme's side. When she had fallen into recharge, her grip on his armor had loosened, but instead of making his escape – as most might have expected of the normally distant mech – he had taken up that hand in his own, holding it firmly as if he feared the femme might slip away from him.

Unfortunately for the front-liner, his taxed systems simply refused to let him continue on without recharge, which led to this current situation. The golden mech lay slumped, barely balancing on a stool that someone had dragged over for him, with his head resting against the femme's arm.

Wheeljack looked over the scene as well, though his processor was focused more on what the poor young mech had to have gone through to be so exhausted. Sunstreaker, like his twin, was well known for his large amounts of energy – to see the mech so out of it was a little disturbing. "How long do ya think he'll be down?"

"Can't say," First Aid vented. It seemed Proxy was not quite prepared to come fully online. "Sparkshock is a severely draining trauma. I'm actually surprised he has been as lucid as he has been."

"Sparkshock?" Bluestreak practically screeched from where he sat not too far away. The offhanded revelation had caught the attention of every conscious 'bot within the ship; however, Bluestreak was the only one who seemed to overcome the shock enough to speak. "Sideswipe..."

"Is fine," First Aid amended quickly. "It wasn't him. Don't ask me to explain it; I'm really sure I don't understand. The only thing I know is that it had something to do with that human," he vaguely gestured to where the human's body still lay clutched in Sunstreaker's hand, a wave of grief and guilt flooding his weary frame. "But, there's no doubt in my processor after the scans I have run that he is suffering some form of sparkshock."

The conversation had captured Mirage's full attention and he meandered closer to examine the currently comatose twin. "Is it a side affect from all of those," he looked lost for the word for a moment, before a look of distaste came over him, "'hatchlings' you mentioned?"

"No." Wheeljack and First Aid both answered at the same time, with the same definitive tone.

"The sparklin's had no contact with 'im," Wheeljack explained.

"He didn't even know they existed," First Aid added. "And besides that, the signs were there long before...that."

"Before they were destroyed," Mirage stated.

"Yes," First Aid agreed with an unappreciative vent for Mirage's need to expand the obvious. "How could it have anything to do with an alien organic?" The spy continued with complete disbelief. "It would have to have been connected to him through a spark bond of some form; and last I was aware, that was not possible outside of our own race."

"Like I said," First Aid grumbled, deciding to find something else he could work on for the time being. "I don't understand it."

"And why is he still holding it? That is disgusting. It should be expelled from the ship."

"Uh, yeah..." Wheeljack took a few steps away when the front-liner came around as though already in full battle mode, though the look of his optics made it clear that the mech was not fully online. "Ya do that, Mirage, an' Ah think we'll be salvaging yer innards from th' walls."

"Sunstreaker? How are you feeling?" First Aid called out, trying to at least partially diffuse the situation. Mirage did not look as if he would be backing down, so the only other option was to divert the focus of interest.

It seemed to work, because the mech turned to face the medic, though his optics came back to the femme still stirring on the berth before him. He considered her, and the limp hand he still held. "I'm fine," he grumbled. "Where are we?"

"Floating behind some space rock, waiting for the Decepticons to pass us by," Mirage informed the groggy mech. "Unfortunately, our defenses were completely fried in the initial attack and we have not been able to repair them yet. However, we are fortunate enough to have partial function of our cloaking systems. As long as we do not move any faster than a slow crawl, we stand a good chance of not being seen."

Sunstreaker looked as though he wanted to let go of the femme, like he just wanted to walk away, but he did nothing but stand there, staring. His thoughts were confused, his spark even more so. There was pain, but it wasn't so bad anymore, and there was now something familiar, something he wanted to believe was real, but worried that it was his own deep longing that had put it there. Instead of doing anything, he settled down on his stool once more, and reached out to his brother. Maybe Sideswipe would help him figure this out.

'Sunstreaker?' Just the way his brother addressed him alerted Sunstreaker.

'How are you holdin' up?' The golden front-liner looked away from the femme laying before him, his optics starting to drift to his other hand, but averted quickly.

Sideswipe didn't answer the question – at all. There was no facade of him trying to avoid it either; he simply _wasn't _going to answer.

'Ratchet taking care of you?'

An annoyed buzz filtered through their bond. 'I can't get the damn mech off of me, what about you?'

'I've got First Aid here.'

'Good.'

The twins carried on their private conversation, leaving Sunstreaker blissfully unaware of anything else going on around him. He didn't care what the others did, and he didn't want to talk to them anyway, so their goings on were of no interest to him.

Wheeljack, however, found something very interesting to talk about with Mirage, somewhere far away from the moody warrior. It wasn't so much that Sunstreaker disliked Mirage – the two actually had far more in common than one might think – it was simply that Mirage tended to be a little tactless when he didn't understand the situation; which in this case, none of them really did, so it was far better just to avoid it until someone who did know better came along.

It was Bluestreak that noticed the still color-shifting optics of the femme had come online, and were focused on the mech next to her. "Hey, you're...um," he hesitated, remembering she wouldn't understand him. "She's awake."

First Aid practically tripped over himself trying to rush to the femme's side. He wasn't sure how she would react to everything that had happened to her, let alone if she would remember it all. _"Proxy, I'm glad to see you online. How are you feeling?"_

_ "Like I was run over by a convoy...what happened?"_ The femme refocused on First Aid and for a moment, stiffened. When the mech started talking to her again, though, she began to relax.

_"Remember that your spark was unstable? I had to secure it, but due to your unusual design, I couldn't put you into stasis for the process. I am sorry for that, I know it was painful."_

_ "I think that might be the understatement of a lifetime..." _She groaned and attempted to sit up, but the medic would not allow it. Her movement, however, drew the attention of the mech still holding onto her hand.

_"Good, you're online," _he stated simply before standing again. Still, he did not release her hand immediately.

Proxy seemed to sense the mech's restlessness and reluctantly let go of him. _"Thank you, for staying,"_ she offered sheepishly.

_"Don't get used to it,"_ he all but growled as he walked away. Something about this femme just set him off. He didn't hate her, no part of him disliked her, but that's what caused his foul mood. He didn't want another helpless femme in his life. One had been too much, and now he had to suffer for it.

First Aid felt bad for Proxy, she had done nothing to deserve Sunstreaker's treatment, yet he couldn't blame the normally socially defunct mech. He was trying, in his own way. _"You'll have to forgive Sunstreaker,"_ he explained quietly,_ "he is not quite himself."_

_"Then maybe I should be thanking him more?"_ The femme's joke caught the medic by surprise. _"Can I please get up?"_ She looked pointedly to where First Aid's hand still rested on her arm.

_"Not yet. You need to give your systems time to recover from the trauma you have been through. Your spark is,"_ he hesitated in trying to explain. While he had been encasing the thing, ensuring it would not separate from her frame, he had noticed some rather alarming things about it – most notably the fact that it looked like it had been divided, and rejoined, hundreds of times. There were spots that shone brighter than others, and some that barely shone at all; it was scarred, and discolored, and it was incredibly worrisome to the medic.

Despite the fact that he had been a full, independent medic for several vorns now, there were still some things he didn't understand, and he deeply regretted that Ratchet was not readily available to him for questioning. _"Your spark is stressed,"_ he decided,"_and needs much rest. I don't want you doing anything you don't absolutely have to do until we can get a better idea of just how damaged it is."_

_ "Damaged?"_ The femme's concern was not even slightly contained. It reflected clear through her voice, optics, and entire frame. _"W-what kind of damage? How? Am I going to..."_

_ "No,"_ First Aid cut her off before she could work herself any more into a panic. _"It is currently stable; you are not at risk of offlining. I simply wish to keep it that way. I wish I could explain the damage to you better, but unfortunately, I have never seen anything quite like it." _He studied the femme very intently for a moment, watching how her worried optics faded from one color to the next through the entire spectrum, and wondered. What had this poor spark been through before this? How had it survived, and for what reason? _"Proxy, what happened to you?"_

The way the medic studied her seemed to earn some likewise retaliation. She focused solely on the white mech, optics squinting slightly as if she were determining something unknown. _"I..." _she started boldly before her optics offlined for a split klik. _"I can't remember anything before I woke up with Wheeljack attacking me."_

First Aid sighed. This whole situation was beyond him. Wheeljack had built this frame as a drone – nothing suspicious there, even if it had ended up housing a spark; in desperate times, First Aid himself had been forced to use a drone shell for a badly damaged 'bot until their frame could be repaired. However, in those situations, the drone shell was usually fitted with a proper casing for the spark it would temporarily host. Yet this spark, no one had placed within the drone. It had simply _appeared_. According to Wheeljack, he hadn't even registered the spark's resonance until after Sunstreaker had calmed the femme down long enough for him to get close to her again. At what point, then, did the spark actually come into existence there?

Not only that, but the spark was obviously not a _new_ spark – there was far too much 'life-damage' to it to be recently realized. So it had been existing somewhere outside of a frame before this? That wasn't considered medically possible, but what other explanation was there?

_"Nothing at all?"_ He knew he shouldn't push the poor thing, but at the same time, he felt it was important to get some answers, and the only way for that was for her to remember.

Proxy pondered, seeming to turn deep into herself seeking some answer that didn't seem to be forthcoming, when finally; _"I remember darkness. Endless darkness and a heavy feeling...no, pain, there was pain in my chest..."_ she lifted a hand to cover the spot she described. _"I was tired, but I had to keep going. Then, there was a golden light..."_ there was an angry electrical sound from inside the femme, and she quit talking.

First Aid grew alarmed, and immediately started scanning her for damage, but she simply refocused on him, looking as though she had no idea what he was so concerned for.

_"Can I please get up?" _She asked again in exactly the same way she had before.

_"I already explained to you why you can't,"_ First Aid was slightly thrown by the confused look the femme gave him. _"Your spark..." _he prompted, but still there was no familiarity in her optics. He vented with a little frustration, and a lot of confusion himself. Had she just glitched their entire conversation from her processor? _"You are in severe need of rest, and I want you to stay where you are. If you need anything, call on one of us to aid you."_

_ "I'm not invalid, 'Aid," _she spoke almost defiantly.

The young medic fixed her with his best 'Ratchet-stare'. _"For all intents and purposes at the moment, yes, you are."_

The sheer amount of defiance he saw wash over her in that next moment was pulse-stutteringly disturbing – definitely something he would have expected to see from Sunstreaker, _not_ a scared, confused femme.

_"As your medic, those are my orders, and I will enforce them by whatever means necessary. Please, just stay where you are and try to rest."_

With a heavy intake, followed by an equally heavy venting, the femme nodded.

_"Good,"_ despite her seeming agreement, First Aid knew that recharging wasn't going to be much of an option for him. He was going to have to keep one optic on this femme at all times.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Sideswipe," Jolt approached the quiet mech carefully. He wasn't sure what kind of mood the front-liner was in; he had said nothing to anyone since the formal announcement had been made. "Sides, you haven't had any energon, and my scans indicate you haven't recharged either. You can't keep going on like this."

The medic felt somewhat encouraged by the lack of violent reaction from the mech as he approached, but likewise discouraged by the lack of _any_ reaction at all.

"I can't begin to imagine what you're feeling right now, but you can't ignore the basics." Jolt looked over the silver twin, searching for anything that he may have missed in his scans. The mech had been sitting on this same unused beach for three Earth days now, without so much as a ping to anyone.

Everyone was concerned for the odd behavior, and had each in turn tried to coax the mech away from the sandy shore, only to return to base with no more success than the 'bot before them. Even the younger twins had failed miserably to evoke any reaction from the mech – which was very disconcerting.

Jolt was the only one to make regular visits, partially because Ratchet was far too busy keeping up on the others, but mostly because Sideswipe was his friend, and he felt bad that the mech was so torn up.

With a heavy venting of air, Jolt sat on the sand beside the stoic mech. "It's hardly any consolation, but you know that she would have faded in less than a vorn anyway, Sides. She was human. They simply don't live very long. I admit that I wish she could have lived her life fully and gone in the nature of her species, suffering from age...but, that was not her fate..."

"Fate?" Sideswipe snarled, though weakly. "If this is fate...I want nothing to do with it." The mech didn't move, but his entire demeanor grew darker. "No one deserves a fate like that."

Jolt nodded his agreement. "I won't argue that." Sideswipe refused to tell them how Aurian's death had happened, but in Decepticon hands, Jolt knew it hadn't been pleasant.

Silence settled between them again when a sudden spark of inspiration occurred to the medic.

"What would she think of your behavior?"

Sideswipe didn't respond right away, instead, the question seemed to sink into him, stiffening his frame as it reached his very core. "What?"

"Aurian, what would she think about this? You've been sitting here, ignoring Ratchet's medical advice, ignoring Prime's orders, ignoring Ironhide's threats, ignoring my requests...ignoring yourself. What would she think of that?"

"She's not here to think anything anymore," he growled, pulling himself into more of a slumped position.

"True, but just because she's gone, does that mean you'll forget her concerns for you? What she would have wanted? Forget that she ever had an impact in your life?"

"I'll never forget that." How could he? His spark would forever have that heavy weight on it from where the human had been a part of him.

"Then act like it. Come back to the base, get some energon, and some recharge, and clean all that sand from your gears. I'm sure that can't be comfortable." Jolt stood, indicating that Sideswipe should do the same. "For her, if not for yourself."

Sideswipe vented heavily enough to stir up a good amount of the sand surrounding him, and as the particles settled on his armor he groaned. "Fine," he grumbled, pushing himself to his feet. It took a little extra effort due to the sand that had crept its way into his joints, and the stiffness that had set into him from such a long period of inactivity. When he stumbled, Jolt was quick to stabilize him, but Sideswipe pushed him off with an unappreciative 'I'm fine'.

Watching the odd behavior of the usually lively front-liner, Jolt knew just how deeply the mech was grieving the loss of the human woman. "Maybe the Dirge Wave will get another use..." he pondered. The device was still there – no one having had the time to actually take it down, despite the human's request to have their equipment returned to its proper placement.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

* * *

**On another note!** I'm looking for songs to do one shots with. Any thoughts? It's very helpful to have words in the songs - even though some non-worded songs can inspire writing, I'm looking for things that have spoken meanings that I can manipulate. If you have a thought, feel free to drop it my way! (I'm looking for any and all genres, so feel free to drop anything, and your thoughts on who/what you think the song might represent.)

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	104. Journal Entry 104

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: Text in italics, such as: _"This."_ Are spoken in Earth English. I decided it was too confusing and had to define it a bit better. This is what you get. ^_~_  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The crew of the science ship quickly grew restless – all of them wanting to reach Earth for one reason or another – but Jazz seemed exceptionally so.

_"Trust meh, ya will enjoy Earth," _he smiled coyly at the strange femme who was sitting beside him, much to First Aid's dismay.

The former proxy drone had simply been unable to remain lying prone like the medic wished, she said that her legs and back hurt and she needed to walk and stretch them. First Aid had trouble with this description of her 'pain', because there was nothing to cause such distress in her lower extremities. He had only given into her pleas for a little more freedom when Jazz had expressly vowed that he would keep a close optic on her at all times.

_"Earth...the name sounds familiar..."_

_ "Ah'm sure it does." _Jazz chuckled slightly. _"Ah could download some info on th' place if ya want...supposin' we got uh jack here somewhere. Somethin' tells meh traditional data transfer ain't gonna work fer ya."_

_ "I-I don't know about that. I mean, I'm interested, definitely...but..."_

_ "Yer still uncomfortable with close contact, huh?"_

Proxy looked ashamed as she ducked her head, nodding slightly.

_"Aw, don't worry 'bout it lil'lady, Ah understand. Don't wanna push ya, ya've got 'nough ta handle as it is."_

_ "I would like to know more. About everything."_

"What is it talking about?" Mirage suddenly appeared before the femme and saboteur, startling Proxy. The femme nearly climbed the wall with her shock, shrieking a short burst of awful, staticy, scratchy noise to alert those around her of her alarm. Mirage pulled back, disturbed by the sound. "What is wrong with it?"

"'It' is uh 'she', Mirage," Jazz informed the mech yet again. It seemed the spy was a little too stuck on the fact that the femme had been a drone beforehand. "She's uh little nervous 'bout arriving on Earth. So much new stuff fer her ta take in."

"Just download the information into her processor – it would be far quicker and more efficient. And while you're at it, you might as well re-install basic speech for...her. Then perhaps we could all hold a civil conversation." The spy looked over the mismatched femme once again, seeming rather put out by her appearance. "First Aid, can you do nothing for this poor thing's external condition?"

"It's not a condition, Mirage," the medic called from where he had slumped onto his medical berth. There was no hope of recharge there, only the act of taking the pressure off his joints for a while. "She was pieced together, and that is what was available at the time. Wheeljack already explained it to you."

"It's still horrible. Imagine, a poor femme forced to wander around with those ugly patches." The mech vented with a shake of his head. "A real pity, too. She has potential for something far better than this." Mirage wasn't intending to be discriminative of the femme; he truly meant what he said. Something about her spark resonance, about her optics, and her odd personality – which he would not attempt to fool himself by saying he understood – he could easily have placed her as, at the very least, a middle-class femme. If she had existed on pre-war-destroyed Cybertron, that was.

What disturbed him, though, were the way her optics looked _into_ him. Even now, she looked up at him, her fear still radiating off her in waves that were nearly tangible to his sensitive sensors. Beyond the unease, beyond the confusion, there was a certain knowledge. It was almost as though she knew him, though he could hardly imagine how that may have come to pass.

"Leave the femme be," Sunstreaker snarled as he approached from wherever he had been sulking. "Can't you see she's stressed enough as it is? She doesn't need your over-critical assessment on her appearance too." Sunstreaker didn't really care what Mirage thought of the femme's appearance – even if she did look a little rough with the patchwork makeup of a frame – what he did care about was the way his spark pulsed when she grew nervous or scared. It was like he had no control over it, and it made no sense to him at all.

"It was not meant as criticism." Mirage tore his gaze away from the femme's color-shifting optics to study the approaching mech. Sunstreaker had been acting strangely from the first moment he had heard from the front-liner. True, First Aid claimed there was some form of sparkshock affecting him, but he didn't understand that either. "You, of all 'bots should know what I am saying is true. She could have been a very lovely femme, had she been built properly."

Sunstreaker's glare was nothing if not pure, hate-filled, fire. "She looks fine," he growled dangerously.

Mirage studied the mech, and his rising ire. Since when had Sunstreaker ever gotten so worked up over anything but himself when it came to comments on appearance? "Sunstreaker, you have been acting very strangely. I thought previously that you were simply exhausted from whatever you faced at the hands of the Decepticons, but I am starting to think there is something else." The spy pondered for a moment more before the question that had been teasing at his processor for the past several cycles came back to the forefront of his thoughts. "How did you know to contact me via my personal secure channel?"

Sunstreaker looked a little thrown by the question. "I did what?"

"Before, while you and the others were making your escape. How did you know what channel would reach me? Or that I was even there to be reached?"

"I never...how...I couldn't!" Sunstreaker was completely at a loss. His communication systems were _still_ in lockdown, due to First Aid's other, more important, tasks.

"You did," Mirage insisted. "You told me to meet you, and the others, at the ship's rear hatch, near the cargo holds."

"I did not!"

"Of course you did." Why would Sunstreaker deny such a thing? It was something that could easily be considered heroic and noble, nothing to be ashamed of. Yet, here he was denying it with seeming confusion. "How else would I have known to be there. Perhaps your processor is glitched..."

Mirage was interrupted by a firm fist striking his face. "You're glitched!" The front-liner roared as he twisted back to strike the spy again, his anger and frustration boiling to the surface at the offered opportunity to vent.

However, as he swung again he was hard pressed to redirect his frustration due to the femme cowering between his fist and the spy he intended to hit.

"What are you doing?" He snarled, momentarily forgetting that the femme wouldn't understand his words. _"What are you doing?"_ He repeated after he was sure he had missed her, and he wasn't going to lose his balance for the sudden redirection.

_"Why did you hit him?"_ She sounded scared, but remained between the two mechs, glancing back as Mirage gathered himself.

Mirage had not expected Sunstreaker to lash out so violently. He was used to bantering semi-felt insults with the mech, and to top that, he was only expressing a real concern for the state of the golden twin's processor.

Jazz and Bluestreak had leaped into action, flanking the femme to protect her from any harm – accidental or otherwise.

"Sunny, ya gotta keep it together," Jazz said softly, trying to ease the front-liner's very obvious rage before it triggered something more violent in him. "Why didn't ya tell us ya had contact with Mirage?"

"Because I didn't!" He snapped, though he made no further action against the spy. His spark was too busy twisting inside him with the thought he had almost harmed the femme. _"He's a pretentious aft, that's why,"_ he grumbled in explanation to Proxy. _"He seems to think _my_ processor is __glitched because _he_ is delusional."_

With a rather determined, and annoyed, look, Mirage decided there was only one simple way to solve this.

"Mirage, this is Sunstreaker..." Sunstreaker's voice played clearly for everyone to hear as the spy replayed the conversation he had with the front-liner.

"Sunstreaker? How are you contacting me?" Mirage's voice replied with surprise.

"It doesn't matter. The crew, Jazz, and I are all heading to the hatch near the rear cargo hold; meet us there in three breems."

"What about the Decepticons?"

"They're busy, just be there. Sunstreaker out."

Everyone stared at the front-liner with varying levels of disbelief.

"That's your voice," Wheeljack pointed out, as if no one else had heard it.

"When did you contact Mirage? Why didn't you tell us?" Bluestreak asked, entirely confused as to why the warrior would have kept something like that to himself.

"Because he didn't," First Aid stated, confusion clearly written across his face. "Sunstreaker's communications were put in lockdown by the Decepticons when he was taken prisoner...I haven't had the chance to release them yet. There is no possible way he could have contacted Mirage without some form of external device – one of us would have known."

"Unless he snuck away to do it," Seaspray offered as he tried to recall everything that had happened between the time they had come across the golden twin.

"I _didn't_ do it!" Sunstreaker roared, his frustration growing so intense his frame nearly vibrated with it.

Mirage was completely astounded by the mech's continued denial. "Everyone just heard the conversation we had, showing that clearly, you did."

"Mirage," Jazz approached the spy, feeling that it was safe enough to leave the femme. Sunstreaker wouldn't intentionally harm her, and with everyone else so focused on the current situation, he wasn't likely to attempt another swing at the mech without a perfectly clear shot. "Send meh that file...Ah've got uh suspicion Ah know what happened." The smirk on his face was enough to get every processor in the ship turning, trying to figure out the puzzle that Jazz apparently had.

Proxy, not understanding a word that was going on between all the mechs around her, was growing more and more uncomfortable with her position in the center of it all. She took a timid step away from the group, drawing more than one pair of optics as she slipped away, but none called out for her to stop, so she kept going until she felt she was a safe distance away.

"Encrypted," Jazz stated as though it were the answer to all of their questions.

"Clearly," Mirage shook his head, not quite understanding what that had to do with it. "That is the only way he could have reached me through that link."

"Yeah," Jazz's smirk grew into a full blown, devious smile, "but did ya take th' time ta decode th' sendin' protocol itself? Tells ya right were th' message came from, an' it wasn't from Sunny."

Having everyone's complete attention seemed to only feed the deviousness of the saboteur's smile. He started laughing softly and shaking his head at the mere notion of what he was about to say.

"Then where did he send it from?" Mirage demanded, not finding Jazz's method humorous at all.

Jazz returned to his spot near the wall and sat down again. "Nah, ya misunderstand. He didn't send it at all," he stated, as if that too were all the answer anyone needed.

"Exactly!" Sunstreaker snapped, waving a hand in Jazz's direction as if he were evidence.

"How is that possible? It is his voice, his coding, even his attitude. Who else would it be?" Mirage crossed his arms over his chest, doubtful of what the saboteur was saying.

"'Cade."

There was silence for a good long while, until finally it seemed Sunstreaker processed what had been said. "WHAT?"

Proxy jumped and nearly lost her entire balance at Sunstreaker's voice. As it was, she scrambled to the farthest place in the ship she could get to that was away from the mech.

"Hey!" Jazz scolded, honest annoyance finally creeping into his voice. "Ya can't go around scarin' th' poor femme!"

"Frag the glitched femme!" Sunstreaker barked angrily. "How the Pit did _Barricade_ impersonate _me_?"

Jazz gave Sunstreaker a rather withering look before slowly standing up. "Because ya two act _so_ much alike...all he had ta do was imitate yer voice codin', an' borrow yer signal signature that was probably hacked..." a moment of sympathy passed over Jazz's features, knowing Sunstreaker had suffered a great deal, making him vulnerable to such a hacking.

"I would have known!" He growled, even though in his processor he could pin down the exact moments that something like that could have happened without his knowledge – like anytime during Aurian's sessions with Scalpel. "I...I'm nothing like that bit-processed, spark of a glitch..." he was still growling, but there was far less conviction in his voice, more defeat and, if anyone present hadn't known better, they may have suspected a little regret.

Sunstreaker shook his head. It was entirely possible that it had happened, but why would Barricade imitate _him_ to save _them_? 'Because ya two act _so_ much alike...', Jazz's claim echoed through his processor.

Without another word, the front-liner stormed off to one of the small recharge rooms.

Jazz watched the mech go before turning to where the femme had wedged herself into as tight a spot as she could have found. He couldn't help the soft burst of laughter that escaped him at the sight. _"How in th' 'verse did ya fit there?"_

Proxy's optics shifted to the saboteur from where she had trailed the front-liner's retreat. _"W-why was he s-so mad?"_ She stuttered awkwardly.

The other 'bots only glanced at where the femme had gone before they became split once more, some turning to Mirage to further discuss what had just occurred and others going about trying to pretend nothing had even happened.

_"Uh,"_ Jazz offered a hand to help the femme from her seemingly uncomfortable place, but she came free of her hiding spot easily enough without his help. _"He's a bit geared up cause 'Cade impersonated him."_

_ "How?"_ She sat on a stool nearby.

Jazz joining her with his back to the wall and his optics turned toward the rest of the ship. He studied each mech carefully, assessing, processing, plotting. _"It wouldn't normally be so easy, but Sunny wasn't exactly in th' best o' condition. Guess 'Cade snuck in when no one was lookin' an' 'borrowed' Sunny's info ta contact Mirage an' let 'im know we were on our way out. Probably uh good thing too, considerin'..."_

_"He got into Sunny's mind while he was down?"_ She sounded alarmed and disturbed by the thought of it.

Jazz simply nodded; in the most basic of terms, that was essentually it.

_"What a prowler..."_ She shivered a little, as if she felt somewhat violated by the knowledge.

_"Prowler?"_ Jazz repeated. _"Ah'm gonna have ta remember that one!"_

For some reason Jazz could not figure, Proxy's gaze grew distant, as if she were turning her thoughts inward and completely forgetting about what was around her, and then there was that static-pop sound and she instantly snapped back.

_"Tell me more about...Earth,"_ she asked quietly.

_"Sure, lil'lady. Anythin' ya want."_

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Sunstreaker looked over the still form curled on the medical berth before him. He felt poorly for scaring her so badly that she would actually run from him – the one she had originally gone to for safety and a sense of security – and also for his words not long after. He was relieved that she hadn't understood him at the time, but still. She had caused him no harm, and despite whatever he thought, he cared about her for some reason he refused to try and figure out.

Proxy had been hard-pressed to find recharge – apparently, her processor was malfunctioning in ways that prevented her from manually starting the process, she had to wait for her systems to reach their limit and initiate it automatically.

Her current pose though, struck a cord in Sunstreaker's memory. Half curled with one leg tucked close to her body and the other straight out, one arm under her head and the other hanging limply over the edge of the berth. The image was near perfect match to the way Aurian used to sleep when she rested near one of them in their berths. Despite the over-sized surface available for the rather small woman – she had always hung precariously close to the edge.

He didn't want to admit the uncanny similarity had his processor once more turned to hope. Without even thinking about everyone that could possibly see him, he leaned close to the femme's audio receiver and whispered as softly as he knew how. _"Aurian?"_

There was no reason for him to hope for anything to happen; the femme was in a deep mandatory recharge, she wouldn't be able to hear him. However...

_"Hmm?"_ She moaned softly, her head turning slightly in his direction.

Sunstreaker could not stop the slamming inquiry that pushed through the bond he knew was desolate and braced himself for the pain he knew was coming...only to find that there was none.

'Sunny?'

'Aurian?' His alarm was intense, and his hope threatened to crush his very spark.

'I...no...no...'

'Aurian, is that you? Please tell me that's you!'

'No. I am not her...anymore.'

Sunstreaker's optics went as wide as they had ever gone, and his whole frame went stiff on him. He couldn't move, he couldn't process, he couldn't even vent or take in air. He was completely paralyzed with shock, his spark thrumming heavily in his chest.

"Sunstreaker?" First Aid's voice was taut, worn and weary, but his concern was genuine. He had seen the mech bend close to the femme, and then he suddenly – almost violently – grew stiff before a loud stressed sound started emanating from his inner systems. "Slag!" The medic knew that sound all too well. The mech's systems had ceased functioning for some reason, and if something didn't happen soon to stop it, he was going to overheat. "Wheeljack! I need your help please!"

Wheeljack came as quickly as he could from the helm of the ship – where he had been studying the different planetary bodies they were slowly passing – only to freeze at the sight of the medic trying to push the front-liner into a prone position.

"Shock?"

"Yeah."

"Spark?"

"Most likely." First Aid vented as the mech finally started to tip in the direction he wanted him to go, and then the lock on his joints seemed to give and he crumbled.

Wheeljack rushed over just in time to save First Aid from being pinned beneath the larger warrior, and to keep Sunstreaker's head from slamming into the floor.

All the noise roused everyone, except the deeply recharging Proxy, so First Aid found no lack in hands to help him get the mech's venting and intakes moving again. Still, he worried for what damage may have been caused, and what had caused this reaction in the first place.

He glanced at the recharging femme – mostly out of habit to check on her – only to see a rather distressed expression on her face as well. A quick scan showed him that her spark was struggling.

"Slag it all!" He growled uncharacteristically as he turned his attentions to the femme. "It can never be simple, can it..."

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

_ 'What happened?'_

_ 'I really can't remember very well, but I know that...I know that I wanted to be here for you and for Sideswipe. I wanted to tell you that I don't blame you for anything, and I don't want you to blame yourself either.'_

_ 'Aurian...'_

_ 'No, I'm not her anymore. I'm Proxy now. I...Aurian is like a dream to me. Something I can only vaguely recall.'_

_ 'But you're _here_! You...you have a spark! We're connected!'_

_ 'I have a part of your spark, and a part of Sideswipe's, and Jazz's, Optimus's, Ratchet's, Arcee's...so many...so, so many...they're all there...'_

_ 'Aur...Proxy, focus, you're drifting.'_

_ 'I can't seem to keep it all together Sunny. Sometimes I can remember, sometimes I know, but most of the time it's so hazy I just can't remember. It's like the dream is fading away.'_

_ 'No! Hold onto it...please? For Sideswipe: hold onto it for him.'_

_ 'Sides...Sunny? Don't tell him. I don't want him to expect me to be her only to be hurt again.'_

_ 'I can't do that! He is in so much pain...'_

_ 'And he'll be in just as much pain when he finds out I'm not Aurian. I don't want to hurt him, or you, any more than I already have. I'm Proxy, no one else. I am a part of you, and him, and...and...so many others...so many others...so, so, many...'_

_ 'Proxy!'_

_ 'So many Sunny...so much pain...confusion...lost...can't find home...where is everyone? Why did they leave me alone? When will they come back? Did they succeed? Fail? Are they deactivated? I will find them! We go together!'_

_ 'Proxy!'_

_ 'Come this way...come find us here...we are here...'_

_ 'Proxy? What...are you calling them?'_

_ 'Come find your comrades...your mates...your lives...come...this way...'_

_ 'Proxy, don't leave me! Not yet! I...I'm not ready to accept this!'_

_ '…'_

_ 'Proxy? Aurian? Where have you gone?'_

* * *

**I wish to apologize quickly for my week long absence. I was at the SkillsUSA National Championships and my stupid hotel didn't offer stupid internet. -_-; Oh well. I guess it was a good thing cause I got a LOT of writing done. Oh...and I guess I did well in the competition too...but that doesn't really matter, right? Made it to the finals, than did not win. I'm okay with that. Considering my actual prep time compared to those that DID win? I got exactly what I deserved, maybe even a little more than. ^_~**

**Anywho! Look for 'Can't Say 'Yes'' coming up shortly! First place prizefic for the 2000th review by Primesbaby007. Maybe not exactly what ya asked fer, but Ah think it came out good. ^_~  
**

**On another note!** I'm looking for songs to do one shots with. Any thoughts? It's very helpful to have words in the songs - even though some non-worded songs can inspire writing, I'm looking for things that have spoken meanings that I can manipulate. If you have a thought, feel free to drop it my way! (I'm looking for any and all genres, so feel free to drop anything, and your thoughts on who/what you think the song might represent.)

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	105. Journal Entry 105

_**Oh...what's this? Another update? Why, yes, yes it is!**_

_In celebration of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I will give you this update...and possibly one tomorrow as well...maybe even Tuesday too. ^_~  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: Text in italics, such as: _"This."_ Are spoken in Earth English. I decided it was too confusing and had to define it a bit better. This is what you get. ^_~_  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An orn and a half had passed before the science ship was finally making its approach to Earth. Proxy stood in the helm, as close to the windows as she could get. Her optics flitted over the scene before her, a look of amazement on her face; however, her body language was nothing but fear.

Sunstreaker left the station he had taken for the approach – offering to use his knowledge of the planet to aid in their decent – to approach the femme.

_"Proxy?"_

_"It's so beautiful..."_

Sunstreaker nodded in agreement. The blue planet was rather lovely from this perspective. _"Some parts of the planet are even more spectacular when you're on it."_

They stood in silence for some time, until Sunstreaker dared reach out through the bond that was once Aurian, but was now someone different. He couldn't deny that the bond, while so familiar, was also so very different. Proxy was a different being than Aurian, but still...a part of Aurian was still there. Enough to ease the pain of his spark, and to give him some measure of peace knowing that, even though the human was gone, she wasn't.

'I'm afraid.'

'I know you are, but there is no reason to be. You will be taken care of.'

'Not for me,' the femme turned her gaze to the mech beside her. 'This bond...it means that some part of...of my former self still remains. What will happen to those who knew me then? How will they feel knowing that I am not her? That...that I barely remember _being_ her?'

Sunstreaker vented heavily. He hadn't bothered to think of that. It was far too easy for him to accept that this was Aurian come back to them, that his bond no longer crippled him with pain; that he hadn't even bothered to think of the long-term problems that would arise. Was it fair of him to just keep thinking of her as Aurian? 'They will adapt.'

'Like you?' The look she gave him was rather unpleasant. She had been all too happy to accept his familiarity, to allow him to settle into what his former relationship with her previous self had been, but she was uncomfortable with the way he seemed to forget that she was not the same being.

Sunstreaker gave the femme a somewhat apologetic look. After his discovery of the reawakened bond, he had allowed the body he had so stubbornly held to be stored away; however, that had allowed his processor to sometimes forget that the human he had known as Aurian was deactivated. He had repeatedly called her 'Aurian' without thinking of it, and a time or two had reached out through their bond in a way he would have easily done with the human only to find the femme uncomfortable, or displeased with his 'invasion of space' as she called it. 'We will all adapt,' he amended.

The femme vented heavily and seemed to sag in on herself. 'I have...memories but they are all so strange. I...they feel like a part of me, like I was there, and there are 'bots in them that I know...but I have never met...' she vented again, hard enough to draw concerned looks from the few other mechs manning the helm of the ship currently. 'Promise you will not give them false hope by telling me I was once...her. Maybe, maybe someday I'll be comfortable being both me, and her, maybe the two will really be one, but until then, I don't want to give anyone the false hope that I am in any way the human they had known before me.'

'I...will not tell them.' He turned to go back to his station, they were almost ready to enter the atmosphere – they only had to wait for the sun to vanish behind the planet so their landing would be better conceiled. 'But Sides...'

'Especially not him,' she snapped before Sunstreaker could make yet another plea for his brother's need to know. 'Do not tell him, Sunstreaker.'

'What if he discovers it on his own? What will you do then?'

Worry passed over the femme's features as she shrugged. 'I...will figure it out if that happens.'

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Sideswipe looked over the gathering with little interest. There was hardly a reason for him to be here as far as he was concerned. The only thing that could draw him to this reunion was Sunstreaker's return. His relief to see his brother was shadowed by the ache of loss, and Sunstreaker knew it too.

The golden mech looked at his twin with the closest thing to sympathy ever expressed externally by the cantankerous 'bot. His brother was in pain and Sunstreaker knew it, but he could do nothing to ease that pain. Sideswipe had to come to his own conclusions.

A small femme ducking behind Sunstreaker caught Sideswipe's attention. She fidgeted with her hands, swayed from one foot to the other constantly, and refused to look at anyone for more than the most passing of kliks. It seemed she was using Sunstreaker as a shield to protect her from the view of others.

Something about that femme drew him toward her; he wanted a better look. As he began to move he glanced at his brother, the look on his face was suddenly very guarded.

'Who's she?' Sideswipe demanded, looking pointedly from his twin to the mysterious femme.

'Don't you know?'

'I've never seen her before.' He found it odd that the femme seemed to specifically avoid looking at him all together, and acted as though his attention made her even more uncomfortable.

Optimus interrupted the twin's discussion, stepping forward to greet the new comers. "Wheeljack, it's good to see you again."

"Maybe not as good as ya'd like it ta be, Prime." Wheeljack met his leader's optics; he had done wrong – despite how he had thought he was doing the right thing at the time – and now he was prepared to deal with the consequences.

"We will discuss your unique situation later, for now; it is good enough to see that you still function."

"If ya say so."

"Welcome back Jazz, Sunstreaker; what is your status?"

Jazz did a quick rotation of his joints, showing that he was at least able to move. "Functional."

"Yeah, functional." It was clear Sunstreaker had a few 'no thanks to's' to add to his statement, but he didn't say anything further.

Optimus gave the warrior an understanding nod before moving on to the next 'bot. "Bluestreak, it is good to see you again as well." They shared a moment's silent conversation before Bluestreak seemed to lose the tension in his frame and smile at the larger mech. "And Seaspray, Mirage, both of you look well."

"No way some Decepti-creep is gonna take me down," Seaspray snarled, though his grin showed his relief of being in the presence of his leader once more.

"Skill over numbers," Mirage agreed lightly.

"And First Aid. I've heard good things of you since you earned your full medic status. We will greatly benefit having you join our already strong medical team."

First Aid just gave a slight nod and a weak smile to the rather large compliment. He was far too exhausted to fully comprehend what the Autobot leader was saying to him.

Optimus's gaze shifted once more to the prone form of Preceptor – the mech had been going between online and offline quite suddenly and was currently returned to the status of offline. First Aid's reports assured him that the mech would recover; however, whatever was causing him distress was most likely in his processor, and until he came to terms with it, his recovery would be slow. With a vent of remorse for the suffering that had happened to his fellow Autobots, Optimus took a moment to look over them all once more. The ever-so-slight movement behind Sunstreaker reminded him that there was yet another 'bot there to be greeted.

"And who is this?" The large Autobot leader looked over Sunstreaker to the small femme hiding there.

_"H-hi, Optimus."_ She looked at him with something between joy and sorrow. _"I'm happy you're still alive."_

_"Have we met before?"_ There was a certain familiarity to her tone. Not that he minded it one bit; it was just unusual.

Her unease returned quickly. _"Uh, not per se."_

_"What is your designation?"_ It seemed as though everyone was suddenly listening as intently as they were able, waiting for the answer.

_"Proxy."_ Her head dropped, her gaze going to the floor.

Sideswipe wasn't sure why he felt disappointed that he did not recognize her name. What had he expected? He didn't know this femme; he couldn't recall ever having seen her before in his life, so why would he have known her name?

Optimus was concerned by the femme's odd behavior. _"Proxy?"_ She nodded but did not look up. Deciding that perhaps she was fearful of them due to her experiences, Optimus chose not to press her further at this time. Thinking it may calm her some, he switched to their native tongue. "I'm sure you are exhausted. I will have Arcee show you where you may rest."

It seemed as though his attempt only further unnerved the femme; she stiffened and looked to Sunstreaker pleadingly, though it was Wheeljack who stepped forward.

"She doesn't understand Cybertronian." Clearly, from his expression he found this extremely interesting. "Ah don't quite understand why, other than th' programmin' didn' download completely...but that really doesn't explain why she comprehends Earth English so clearly. It's like...it's just natural fer her. Ah'm hopin' we can repair at least some uh her glitches, maybe download basic Cybertronian information fer her." He looked to Ratchet, wanting to share the information he had carefully gathered between himself, and what First Aid gave him concerning the odd drone-turned-femme.

However, Ratchet himself had not been paying much attention to the conversations going on around him. As a medical officer, he had seen a lot, maybe not everything, but definitely more than most. This femme was unusual in more than just her mannerisms.

Seeing that everyone was looking from him to the femme he considered her a moment longer before speaking. She was still trying to hide behind Sunstreaker, but she kept giving him doubtful looks. If he didn't know better he might think they were pleading – though whether for him to stay away from her, or for him to pull her away from the prying eyes, he wasn't sure. _"I would like to see her in the med bay,"_ he watched her as he spoke, noting the way her head drooped slightly. Maybe he had chosen wrong? _"Will you come with me now?"_

Everyone else was surprised by the question, including the femme. It wasn't so much his words that had them confused, as it was the tone he used. He sounded like he would allow the femme to choose otherwise, not something Ratchet was known for.

_"O-okay..."_ she seemed reluctant to leave Sunstreaker's side, but slowly crept forward to stand near the medic.

Oddly enough, she chose to stand where the CMO's bulk would block her from the others. Ratchet noted this as possibly a sign that she either trusted him, or had an extreme aversion to multiple optics on her all at once. He hoped for the former, and feared the latter. _"You do realize we intend you no harm?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then why do you act as though we do?" _ Ratchet spoke softly, not wanting to make his words an accusation for others to overhear.

She shifted nervously again as Sideswipe moved to where he could glimpse her behind the medic. _"I...I'm not scared." _ She didn't sound too convinced, and Ratchet could only fathom how often she must have had to speak those very words to herself. He wondered if she had ever believed them. _"I'd just rather not be so...exposed."_

That was probably one of the few things Ratchet had hoped not to hear. A lone young femme would have only survived so long by being cautious and remaining hidden; however, Ratchet could not shake the notion that vorns of war was _not_ the cause of this femme's actions. _"Very well, follow me."_

As the small femme followed the medic from the room she glanced back at Sunstreaker who, much to everyone's surprise, did not sneer at her, but instead offered a short nod of encouragement. Then her gaze wandered momentarily to Sideswipe and just as quickly back to the floor as she disappeared through the door.

A ping on Ratchet's private link had the medic distracted for a brief moment, only to note that it was a bulk file from Wheeljack claiming to be the medical records on the femme he was now escorting. While he knew it would likely be useful, he felt he should give the femme his undivided attention for now. He could read medical files later.

Sideswipe glared at Sunstreaker; his brother knew this femme. 'Who is she?'

'Proxy.'

'How do you know her?'

'Why don't you ask her?' Sunstreaker returned his twin's glare. He did not like his brother's accusing looks or his assumptions. 'I've got a debriefing to get to.'

True to his word, Sideswipe realized that Optimus was leading away the party and Sunstreaker all too willingly joined them. 'Sunny...'

'Go. Ask. Her.' Sunstreaker blocked off any further argument.

"Fragger," Sideswipe snarled in a low growl. Nothing about this sat well with him, and with the ache in his spark from the loss of Aurian, he just couldn't bring himself to try and work it out. He just needed space.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Ratchet glanced at the small femme seated on an examination table. She had calmed down quite a bit as soon as they left the room with the other Autobots, though it seemed it was only to fall to depression.

_"How old are you, Proxy?"_ Ratchet tried to keep from staring at her; instead, he focused on the data pad he held.

_"Twe-um, I'm not really sure." _ She shifted slightly.

_"Is your chronometer damaged?"_

_"I...don't know."_

Now there was no attempt to look elsewhere. Ratchet's attention was fixed solely on her. _"How do you not know if you are damaged?"_

She shrugged, a look of 'how am I supposed to know' clear on her face.

Wheeljack had sent him a rather lengthy file; perhaps he should take a few breems to read it over. As soon as his initial exam was over. _"I would like to run a diagnostic on your systems."_

_"Oh...will...will it hurt?"_ The innocence of her voice took Ratchet by complete surprise.

_"Haven't you ever been examined before?"_

A sudden, very dark look consumed her features. _"Yeah, I have."_

Ratchet vented heavily, somehow this didn't add up. In one sense, she seemed completely innocent, confused, timid, yet in others, she seemed haunted and defensive. _"I will not cause you any undo harm. I only want to help you."_

Proxy's defensive posture deflated and she looked guilty. _"I know, Ratchet. I'm sorry."_

_"There is no need for you to be sorry."_ He put down the data pad so he could focus on the femme. It was obvious from her behavior that she had some bad experiences, and her unfamiliarity with things that seemed commonplace made him think there was something he wasn't seeing in all this. Some clue that would give him all the answers that he was over looking. _"Where were you created?"_

Again, the femme looked unsure.

_"Where have you been?"_

She shrugged.

Ratchet was growing frustrated with the lack of information the femme was providing. _"How __have you avoided deactivation this long?"_

Proxy's strange optics fell to some focus point on the floor, her chassis trembling slightly before seemingly sinking in on itself. _"I can't say I did,"_ she practically sobbed.

Unsure how to respond to such a reaction, Ratchet stood staring at the femme until she started shifting uncomfortably under his scrutiny. _"What do you mean by that?"_

_"This,"_ she poked a finger at her chest, almost angrily, _"wasn't my body."_

Warnings immediately started going off in Ratchet's processor. No wonder the poor femme was confused; frame transfers were dangerous and could be horribly damaging to any who were unprepared for it. _"I'll need to run a full diagnostic on you. It will take some time, but I can guarantee you will not suffer under my care."_

Proxy smiled at the medic. Though her nervousness did not dissipate, it seemed she was willing to trust him. He could not have asked for anything more.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Sideswipe sat, as he had for many orns since the battle in Egypt, on the small rise that he had often shared with Aurian. His processor refused to function so he just sat, staring out over the calm ocean.

His spark, unlike his processor, would not remain still. It kept leaping and twisting, both excited and painful. An occasional questioning probe from Sunstreaker was the only thing he had to hold onto as a reminder that he was still functional.

The sun sank long before someone invaded his solitude, though it was not who he thought would come.

Moving slowly along the shore, the femme that had been hiding behind his brother wandered toward him. Sideswipe decided the femme was unaware of his presence; her movements were far too easy, too comfortable for the nervous femme he had seen earlier.

She came to stand a few strides away and looked out over the ocean. Sideswipe was unsure if he should say something, leave, or do nothing at all. She was invading his space, why should he do anything anyway?

_"It's nice out here, isn't it?" _ She spoke softly, but clearly. _"I like the calm."_ Sighing, the femme looked over her shoulder at the unresponsive mech. _"What's go you so down?"_

_"Why do you care?"_ He really had no desire to talk to anyone, yet this femme perked his processor back into motion.

She shrugged and turned back to the ocean. _"I don't like seeing anyone in the dumps."_

Sideswipe studied the femme. Sunstreaker seemed to think he should have known her, and somehow, in his spark, he thought so too, but he could not place her. She was so unusual, he was sure he would have remembered if they had crossed paths before.

_"So? What's bothering you?"_

_"I don't really feel like talking about it."_

_ "Oh."_ She shifted a little, turning back the way she had come, _"I'll leave you alone."_

As she started away, Sideswipe could feel a sinking sensation in his spark. _"Wait!" _ He really didn't want her to go away. "_Why are you out here alone?"_

_"I just wanted to get away from everyone for a while. I'm tired of all the pointless questions."_

_ "The humans are good at those."_

_"Humans I can deal with, it's the Autobots I'm having trouble with."_ She smiled at him almost apologetically.

_"Optimus?"_

_"Ratchet."_

Sideswipe raised his head in understanding. Wanting to escape Ratchet was something he could sympathize with.

They remained in silence for a while, the femme looking out over the ocean, Sideswipe studying the femme.

_"I'm sorry, I should leave you alone."_ The femme shuddered and started away again.

_"What's your name?" _ Still his processor turned, but no answers were forthcoming.

_"Proxy." _She seemed hesitant to stay, or to speak.

_"You're afraid of me?"_

_ "If I was afraid,"_ she looked at him, her odd optics shifting slowly between several different colors, _"I wouldn't be here."_

_"Then why do you look so uncomfortable?"_

_ "Because I'm...unsure...of what you'll think about me."_ Her optics fell to the ground and she wrapped her arms around her thin frame.

Sideswipe felt a sense of familiarity, yet still he was sure he didn't know this femme. _"Why? What did you do?"_

_"Nothing," _she practically whispered, _"I gotta get back, Ratchet will be looking for me. I kind of snuck out when he wasn't looking."_ She looked at him one more time, pleadingly, before she walked away.

He wanted to call out to her again, but could think of nothing to make her stay. 'Sunny? Who is that femme?'

'Did you talk to her?'

'She doesn't seem to want to talk to me.' He felt annoyance from his brother, but it was very subdued. 'Seems I make her uncomfortable. What do you know about her?'

'Give me some time, I'll talk to her.'

'Why won't you just tell me?' Sideswipe was angered by this indirectness. This wasn't Sunstreaker's style.

Sunstreaker was quiet long enough for Sideswipe's frustration to grow to full-blown anger before he spoke.

'Aurian's funeral is three Earth days from today,' there was more said over their bond than words could ever say; vast expanses of emotions that could not be expressed, verbally or physically, 'are you ready to say good-bye?'

'No.'

'She's gone.'

Sideswipe wanted to deny his brother's words, but he knew it had to be true. He could still feel the pain, her pain, Sunstreaker's pain...then emptiness. He could still feel that ache, though he firmly denied himself any time to actually deliberate on the missing bond. That would only hurt more. It would only confirm what he knew had to be true, and he didn't want that confirmation. He wanted to naively believe that by some amazing twist of Primus's will, she was not gone from him forever.

'Aurian is gone,' Sunstreaker pushed again.

Grief filled Sideswipe again, he didn't want her to be gone, and worse was that his spark longed for the familiar connection of her. With Sunstreaker's pushing, feeding his notions and thoughts of her, Sideswipe couldn't stop the pulse that sought out the connection. He braced for the pain, for the cold, bitter bite of emptiness as the connection was made, as the call was sent out...and he felt a response.

'Sunny...'

'Gone, Sides.' The way he said it, Sideswipe got the feeling Sunstreaker was not trying to upset his brother, or that he was entirely convinced of his own words. It almost felt like more of a question. He wanted Sideswipe to deny it...

'No, she's not.'

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

_**Okay, I know things seem a little awkward right now, and will probably feel that way through the next couple of chapters. I hope that you can all bare through it for now. ^_~**  
_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

_And to my readers/reviewers! Without you guys, I probably wouldn't be writing._


	106. Journal Entry 106

_AND AGAIN!  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

Quick note: _There is no longer a need to differentiate between Cybertronian and English at this point - so everything has returned to normal txt. If the situation arises again, I will let you all know!  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To say he was blown away might have been to say that a supernova was a small 'pop' in the night sky. When Ratchet had discovered the quickly constructed casing for the femme's spark, he had been alarmed and instantly chose to review the files Wheeljack had sent him for an explanation.

What he had found left him searching for more answers, but Wheeljack himself was still in debriefing with Optimus – something about some creations he had made during his stay with the Decepticons and some possible repercussions for his actions – and First Aid was in a deep, long, recharge cycle that even Ratchet himself didn't dare disturb. After all, the young medic had long overdrawn his systems just trying to ensure the crew all arrived online.

He could only think of one other 'bot to ask, but given the occurrences of the past several orns, the CMO wasn't sure he should bother the mech.

::Sunstreaker, do you have a moment to spare?::

::You're _asking_?:: The tone of the front-liner's voice was entirely incredulous – he had been expecting a call from Ratchet at any point, but to have the medic actually ask if he had time? ::You don't need to examine me; First Aid already took care of me back on the ship.::

A grunt of disapproval escaped the medic. ::I'm sure he did a fine job, but considering the lack of equipment and supplies available to him, I would like to examine you anyway...but that is not why I have contacted you. I wish to ask you some questions regarding Proxy.::

::Why?:: The amount of suspicious caution in the front-liner's voice alerted Ratchet immediately.

::I read over Wheeljack's file on her...and I'm concerned. What do you know of her?::

::Nothing.:: The golden twin snapped.

One thing Ratchet knew about the twins that was almost entirely without doubt; instant denial meant that they were lying. ::I find that hard to believe considering Wheeljack clearly states that you were the first one to communicate with the femme after her onlining.::

::Femme was...glitched, only spoke Earth English for some reason. I don't know, Wheeljack built her, talk to him.::

::That is part of the problem. Wheeljack is currently preoccupied, but what I want to know has nothing to do with her frame construction. Wheeljack was pretty clear in his descriptions of how he accomplished that.::

::Then why the frag are you talking to me? I don't know anything about any of that kind of slag.::

::Because, both Wheeljack and First Aid made curious notes as to your reactions to her.::

Silence.

::Report to the med bay immediately.::

::No.::

::Sunstreaker, don't...::

::NO! Talk to the femme if you want information! I can't...I have nothing to say.:: The front-liner closed the communication so fast that Ratchet actually reeled a little with surprise. It wasn't the first time that Sunstreaker had ended a communication quickly with him, and it certainly wasn't the rudest way he had ever ended one of their talks, but the vehemence behind his refusal was enough to throw the medic.

He sat for another breem in the relative silence of his office as he considered the oddity of it all.

First, Sideswipe's odd sparkshock symptoms. While there was no doubt in his processor that the mech had suffered sparkshock, his ability to deny it for so long was not only impressive, it was downright unbelievable. Yet, his own scans came up very clear to the evidence.

Then, Sunstreaker returns with Aurian's body; its condition an entirely different horror story to be told; drops it off, and just walks away as if he had done nothing more than hand delivered some mundane message. Scans on the second twin showed greatly reduced sparkshock symptoms that seemed to be _fading_ of all things.

Was it the odd connection between human and Cybertronian that was allowing the mechs to respond so differently than even the most extreme of the 'normal' trauma of a broken bond?

As if that were not enough, there was Proxy. The femme seemed strangely uncomfortable in her own frame – which he now understood why, even if he didn't understand how it had come to pass. She had hidden with Sunstreaker – a mech that could easily be described as volatile on a good day – and was reported to have repeatedly turned to him for assurances, which astoundingly he seemed to have given. It was very uncharacteristic of the front-liner to take to anyone so quickly.

Maybe it was the loss of Aurian that had opened him up to the vulnerable femme?

He was finally drawn from his thoughts by the sound of the med bay doors opening, and the hurried sound of heavy footsteps. Fearing some new emergency, Ratchet rushed out of his office to see who had come, and the emergency at hand, only to find Sideswipe searching his med bay wildly.

"What is going on?" Ratchet demanded, his annoyance deeply drowned in his confusion.

"Where is she?" Sideswipe demanded, shoving a privacy panel over in his rush to look around it. "Where is she?" His voice was stressed, panicked, maybe even a little desperate.

"Who?" When Sideswipe's optics focused on Ratchet, the medic knew something was not right and a deep fear started flooding him. "Sideswipe, who are you looking for?"

"Aurian!"

Ratchet felt his internals sagging with disbelief. Hadn't Sideswipe gotten past his denial? Hadn't he been the one to confirm the loss of their human ambassador? Had he not spent the last two orns in mourning? "Sideswipe..."

"Don't you tell me she's gone, medic! I _felt_ her! She's alive, and she's here somewhere!" He turned again, optics raking the entire med bay for what he was searching for.

"Sideswipe...her body was sent away a joor ago to be processed in the human's ritual of passing. I assure you, Aurian was very much offline." He debated over sending images to the silver mech as evidence of what he said, but the way he simply kept searching made Ratchet think it wouldn't matter.

"I _feel_ her Ratchet! She's...where is she..." Sideswipe paused to consider the feeling he had. It was confusing – one klik it was clear and tangible to him, and the next it was shaky and thin.

Drawn by the sound, Proxy came from the room Ratchet had put her in after her recent wanderings. "What's the matter?" She looked very concerned with Sideswipe's disjointed appearance, but did not approach him.

"Proxy, go back to your room please," Ratchet suddenly had the image of the distraught warrior turning his hurt, anger, and frustration on the vulnerable femme, the results of which he knew would be tragic.

"S-sides?" She ignored the medic and timidly stepped closer to the front-liner.

Sideswipe turned to face the femme slowly, his face twisted in confusion. "Proxy," what was he going to say? Why did he want to say anything to her at all? She wasn't the one he was looking for...yet...

"Are you okay?" She took another tentative step forward one hand twitching at her side like she wanted to reach out to him, but was afraid.

He was tempted to reach out for her instead, to touch her as if that would clear his processor. However, he turned and walked away without a word.

Ratchet released the air he hadn't realized he had been holding in. "Well, that went far better than I feared..."

"What was wrong with him? Why did he look so...upset?" Proxy's optics were still focused on where the mech had made his hasty exit.

"Sideswipe is dealing poorly with the loss of someone important to him. I thought he had come further in his grieving than it seems he has, I will have to keep an optic on him." He vented again with defeated frustration. He felt bad for Sideswipe's misery and wished more than anything he knew how to make it just go away. "However, since you are online, I suppose I wish to talk to you about your frame."

Proxy looked at the medic, surprise clear on her face. "W-what about it?"

"Nothing for you to be worried over, not at the moment anyway. I'm concerned with the reports Wheeljack and First Aid provided me. Your current frame is not exactly prepared to house a spark," 'especially not one like yours,' he thought to himself. "I'm also a little weary of your lack of safety protocols – your inability to achieve stasis is dangerous, and we should try and find a way to correct that as soon as possible." The way the femme started shifting uncomfortably reminded Ratchet of a similar conversation he had once with another patient about a procedure that was very much needed, but she had been reluctant to allow. "Now, I know you're nervous, and I don't blame you. I don't want to force this on you – you've been through enough already as it is – but I'm afraid for your own health and possibly your very life, I must insist."

"I-I don't really un-understand what you're saying...but I-I don't think I like it..." she took a step away from the medic, as if she were prepared to run.

"Proxy, please remain calm. We are not going to do anything yet, and most definitely not until you fully understand what it is I am suggesting. Come with me for a moment, please." Indicating the direction he wanted her to go, Ratchet stood aside expectantly. He was rather astonished that she actually went as directed, but chose not to question her. He led her to a small room where, courtesy of their recent battle in Egypt, Arcee's two drone femmes lay inactive.

With a gasp, Proxy stared at the inactive forms. "Are they...they're...Gods, they are!"

"Do not worry; these were only drones…" Ratchet hesitated realizing that Proxy, too, had just been a drone. "These two did not have sparks; they were _only_ drones, nothing more." Somehow, he felt like he wasn't making things better, so he chose to just move past and approach the thought that had brought them here in the first place. "These were built to fully mimic the femmes they resemble. They were decoys, you might say, to help protect the true femmes. There are several others exactly like these, and ones that resemble Arcee and other femmes as well still out there. These two, however, cannot be reactivated. The damage to their individual frames is simply too great."

"Why did you bring me here?" Proxy still didn't sound too at ease being in the same room as the deactivated drones.

"To show you what I suggest." Ratchet reached out to the closest drone and released the chest plating. It slid aside to reveal the drone's inner workings. "These are almost perfect frames for a spark to be placed in. With a few modifications, one could be converted into a suitable frame for your spark."

Proxy's alarm was apparent – all the way from the way her entire frame stiffened to the small sound she made. "No!"

"Proxy, please allow me to explain before you make your decision."

"They're dead! I-I don't want to be...I don't want to take over one of their dead bodies! That's just wrong!"

"I gather that you do not fully understand, but this is nothing abnormal. It isn't even all that uncommon for a spark to be transferred into a frame once occupied by a different spark. I had actually thought that was the case with you, that your spark had been forced into a new frame...it seems that isn't true, but I still believe that given your circumstances, it is the best option."

"I won't be one of them! I-I want to be myself, not someone else!"

"Changing frames does not make you 'someone else'."

"But I'll look like them!"

Ratchet paused at that. He hadn't really intended to make any alterations to whichever frame Proxy might choose, simply using parts from the other to repair the damage of one, but she had a point. Whichever one she chose – she would look like another femme, and that could cause hurt and confusion on several different levels. What if she had chosen the Chromia drone? Ironhide would never forgive him for it.

"You have a point," he admitted. "Is that your biggest concern with exchanging frames?"

"No, but...it's up there."

"Then tell me what you're worried over, and I will attempt to help you come to terms with them. This is something I cannot simply allow you to turn down; you're frame – while it would have been fine for the function it was built for – is not something that will support your spark long term. You will have to change frames eventually."

Proxy nodded, but did not seem convinced. "Will I...still be me?"

Ratchet smiled. If that were the worst of her concerns, the rest of this would be nothing more than a pleasant talk. "Of course you will. Nothing will change about you aside from your appearance."

Joors were spent discussing the procedure in detail; at one point Jolt had joined in, offering what encouragement he could that it was something that every 'bot had gone through at least once and there was nothing to be afraid of, before he had gone on about his tasks.

At another point, First Aid had come by to speak with Ratchet and had joined in on the discussion as well, also encouraging the femme of the routine of such a procedure.

Even Wheeljack had come by and expressed his encouragement for the change.

"Okay," Proxy finally conceded, "but only on one condition..." She looked nervously over the three mechs waiting to hear what she would say.

Wheeljack was eager for her spark to be moved from the hastily created drone frame into one better fit to her, so was sure that no matter what condition she offered they could – and would – meet.

First Aid was worried over what the femme might want, considering she still seemed so naive of their race. Did she know _what _she would be asking for?

Ratchet simply waited, knowing that they were doing the right thing and whatever her final concern was, they would handle swiftly and be moving on just as quickly.

"I want Sunstreaker to design it...if he will."

All three of them stared at her almost not comprehending.

"Why him?" First Aid finally asked.

"H-he's an artist, isn't he?" She looked to each of the mechs as they nodded in affirmation. "He's the only one I..." she seemed to choke on her words before turning her optics away from those watching her. "I think he would do a good job."

Ratchet overcame his surprise quickly enough and nodded his head. "Very well. I'll make the request. However, until it is time for the transfer, I must insist that you remain in the med bay, preferably resting. The less stress on your spark between now and then, the better."

The three mechs watched the femme retreat, almost hastily, to her room.

::Sunstreaker, I have a...request.:: Ratchet called to the mech even as the three of them started dismantling the more basic parts of the two downed drones.

::What is that?:: Sunstreaker's caution was almost humorous to the medic.

::Proxy is in need of a new frame, and she asked that you design it for her.:: The medic considered what was available to them. ::There isn't much to work with; I doubt it will be easy...::

::I'll do it," the mech agreed with no further coercion.

'Add that to the list of things that 'just are not quite right',' the medic commented to himself.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Optimus had to admit that he was impressed with the sheer amount of dedication Sunstreaker had shown for the task set upon him. He had even gone as far as insisting on helping with the construction of the new frame for Proxy – claiming that he had to be sure his designs could be realized with their very limited resources, but many of the 'bots got the feeling there was more to it than that.

The Autobot leader was here now to witness the results of all the labor that had gone into ensuring the femme was healthy and comfortable.

Unfortunately, the procedure had been far from simple, leaving the femme trapped in temporary stasis to ease the shock of her rough transfer. However, now she was being brought online, and they would all see how she took to her new frame. Even Sideswipe had shown up for the event, which was an improvement over his currently standard avoidance of everyone and everything.

The mech looked rather haggard, and anyone was hard-pressed to say that Sunstreaker looked much better. The difference, however, was that Sunstreaker looked as though he was more concerned over his twin than himself while Sideswipe appeared almost lost in his own suffering.

"Here we go," Ratchet announced as he initiated the stasis release.

Everyone listened intently as the femme's systems started up slowly, quietly, one by one until finally the comfortable hum of life filled the entire frame. There was almost a silent unison of held intakes as they waited for the femme to respond.

"Proxy?" Ratchet leaned over the prone form, scanning with his sensors and his optics for anything that might not be quite right.

Relief rolled through the room as the femme's optics came online – that odd shifting of color seeming to have followed her spark from her old frame to this new one.

"Did it work?" She sounded shaky, but not in pain.

"Yes," Ratchet informed her, and everyone who hadn't the proper scanners to know for themselves. "You are perfectly functional. You will still have to take it easy for a while, but I believe that you will feel stronger now. You will even be able to trans-scan and choose an alternate mode soon enough."

"Congratulations," Sunstreaker announced with little enthusiasm – though his exhaustion was clear throughout his frame, "you're now a full-blown Cybertronian."

The femme laughed; it was a soft, gentle sound that brought the smallest of smiles to even the grimmest face present. "I feel whole!" She announced enthusiastically.

With only a little help from Ratchet, she sat up and was eagerly attempting to get to her feet.

"Slowly, now. Make sure everything works before you go rushing off."

The femme only smiled at Ratchet's warning before hopping to her feet and stretching as hard as she could force her frame to stretch. "It's wonderful!" She turned to look for the mech who had designed her new frame, but her optics caught another first.

Sideswipe had found a small smile for the femme. Sunstreaker had done well to design her new frame; it was small, fit for a femme, and looked rather lithe. She would likely be very flexible, hard to pin down, but that also meant her armor would be a little lacking for it. However, he strongly doubted the soft-sparked femme would be fit for battle anyway.

When her optics stopped on him, he couldn't help but to look into them. He couldn't shake the feeling of familiarity with this femme, but no part of him knew – or perhaps was willing to admit – where he had known her from. His spark seemed to call out to her, but she never responded. She did not sense him the same way he sensed her.

He was the first to look away, simply not feeling up to the confusion this femme created within him. "You look nice," he muttered as he walked away.

Sunstreaker watched his brother disappear. 'He needs to know you're there, Proxy.'

'It won't help him. I'm not the one he misses.'

'It _will_ help, he'll know that – even though you may not be her anymore – that she is still here in a way.'

'Will that really fix his spark? Will it take away all the pain and hurt?'

'Maybe not,' Sunstreaker had to admit that there were still times he missed the tiny human woman and her mannerisms. No matter how similar Proxy was to the human, she wasn't the same, just as she said. 'It will ease it though. He senses her bond, just like I did, and it's driving him insane thinking she's still here somewhere. You're torturing him.'

The way Proxy's head snapped to look at Sunstreaker had everyone wondering what could have possibly happened to cause the reaction.

'I...he will forget soon enough...won't he?'

'No. He will never forget.' Sunstreaker turned his weary gaze to the femme, the sureness there challenging her to continue believing otherwise.

"Thank you...for my frame," she offered aloud. 'I don't want to hurt him,' she pleaded quietly over their bond.

'Then stop denying him!' There was far more bite to his response than he intended, but he was beyond frustrated with all of this. On one side, he understood what Proxy was thinking, what she was trying to do – what she didn't understand was that it wasn't working, would never work – and on the other hand he was so tired of watching his twin suffer. 'Tell him the truth,' he finished pleadingly. "You're welcome," he offered aloud.

'The...the funeral is tomorrow...if that does not help him come to terms, then I will say something to him...I just don't think that it will help him.'

With a nod, Sunstreaker left to follow his brother.

Everyone had noticed _something_ was going on between Proxy and Sunstreaker, but no one could even pretend to claim they knew what it was.

"Congratulations," Optimus offered as he too, nodded and made his departure. He was happy to see her online and seeming so full of life. It was one less concern on his processor.

Ratchet continued to scan the femme as she started walking around, testing her new limbs and working out any kinks.

Everyone else present – which was not all the 'bots, but Proxy understood that they had other things to do – offered their own versions of congratulations, and compliments on how nice her new frame was before making their way out to return to duty.

One that had surprised her was Mirage. The mech had waited for all the others to state their farewells before he approached her. "It is a vast improvement over your former frame," he stated rather bluntly. "With a little paint, you could easily be a very fine femme."

"Oh! Well...thank you, Mirage," she smiled at the strange compliment – or at least she assumed that's what it was. "But I really don't think paint is all that I would need to be 'a fine femme'."

The mech nodded slightly. "True; however, mannerisms can be taught."

Proxy laughed; she liked laughing, she decided, it felt nice and made others smile too. "Is that an offer?"

"If you wish it to be."

"Maybe someday." She took no offense to Mirage's judgment of her; she just accepted it as it was given and continued about her way, testing her joints and their flexibility.

Mirage watched a moment longer before he also left.

"Ratchet," Proxy finally asked after she was thoroughly satisfied with how she was able to move, and the medic was the only other 'bot left with her.

"Hmm?"

"Is Sideswipe still suffering? From the loss, I mean."

"Yes."

"Oh. How...how long does that usually last?"

Ratchet vented softly, feeling his own concerns rise again. "Sparkshock is a complicated thing. The bond he lost was a sibling-like connection, very painful to him, but he will recover eventually."

"Eventually sounds like a long time."

"Well, it is hard to say for sure," he leaned against the berth Proxy had just been laying on and continued to watch her move around. Her new frame was impressive for what they had available to them, Sunstreaker really was a talented artist – it just seemed to _fit_ her so well. "I can't even begin to understand it myself. Sunstreaker seems to be on the mend, but Sideswipe hasn't even begun. I can't say I've seen how twins recovery ratio compares to each other considering that such a situation rarely presents its self. I would have assumed that they would have recovered at the same rate, but obviously, that logic was flawed. I can only do my best to offer him support until he finally comes to terms with the loss and starts to recover."

"Could he...is it possible that he might offline because of it?"

Ratchet stiffened slightly. "Who told you that?"

"No one," she shook her head even as she continued to wander aimlessly, looking at random things, touching others, "I just worry. He looks so worn down."

It wasn't a common occurrence, but... "If he does not come to terms with the grief, yes, it could potentially lead to offlining. I hope that we can all help him before it reaches such a state. I can't believe that, with Sunstreaker here by his side that he will allow the grief to consume him. He will come to terms eventually."

"Eventually..." she sighed at the repeated term. "Still sounds like a long time."

* * *

_**A question: Who all is going to see DotM tomorrow (today)? And are you going to the 9pm or the midnight showing? And is anyone maybe in Kansas going to the IMAX in Wichita? I want some opinions, and thoughts. ^_~ Or, are you going later in the week after the 'crowd' dies down? Where and when is the best place to go see this new addition to the fandom? Okay, so that wasn't 'A' question, but still. Share?  
**_

_**Okay, I know things seem a little awkward right now, and will probably feel that way through the next couple of chapters. I hope that you can all bare through it for now. ^_~**  
_

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	107. Journal Entry 107

**Excuse my language: Fuck you Michael Bay. That is all.**

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The turnout was impressive.

When it was announced that Human-Autobot Ambassador Aurian Fae Town's – though to the public it was only announced as 'Ambassador Aurian Fae Town's' – had been killed while acting in the name of her duties, there had been a demand for a public funeral.

People from the lab she had worked at, a large number of family members, and to the surprise of all those people, an impressive number of military personnel and foreign delegates had all gathered at the service. The confusion of those that had known Aurian the longest was only increased by the accommodations made for a variety of unusual vehicles to park, display style, around the viewing.

Will and Rob stood overlooking the gathering with respect, and great trepidation. It was Will's responsibility to tell all these people all the great and wonderful things Aurian had done in the last few months of her life, without exposing the presence of the Cybertronians. True, after The Fallen had made the worldwide announcement and the Decepticons made such a grand appearance, convincing the masses that aliens hadn't come to Earth was a pretty moot point; however, connecting the military – more specifically N.E.S.T. - to the robots that had caused mass hysteria was unacceptable.

"This is going to go well," Rob encouraged the major beside him.

"Well? Did you know she knew so many people?" Despite his concerns, Will stood confidently before the people.

Rob didn't drop his stance either, but it was easy for Will to sense his friend's guilt. Neither of them had truly realized how dynamic the woman had been in people's lives. When she had been so upset about everything she had been forced to leave behind, they had never imagined _this_ was what she had meant.

"Hindsight," was all Rob could say.

As the two men looked over the crowd, one woman stood out. For half a beat their minds both willingly grasped the thought that she was Aurian, and all this was some strange practical joke. Then the small differences started to sink in; she was heavier, older, her hair was a shade lighter, streaked with gray, and she was just a touch shorter than Aurian had been. If this woman's stern expression was anything to go by, they would have to assume this was her mother.

"She's going to eat me alive," Will nearly groaned. Of all the people he would have to deal with, Aurian's mother was not one of the ones he was looking forward to. He knew he had to, the woman deserved some explanations, but that didn't mean he wanted to be the one to have to hopscotch the truth to her. If he had it his way, he would fully disclose Aurian's entire involvement with N.E.S.T. and the Autobots, but that was not allowed.

"Yep." Rob agreed.

With a sigh, the major headed forward to confront the crowd. 'I'm really not the one who should be doing this...'

The crowd quickly fell into silence, waiting for whatever he would say to explain the death of this woman they had all known. He felt sorely inadequate.

"To all of you who have gathered here today; I offer you my most sincere condolences and deepest apology.

"Aurian Fae Towns was a woman worth knowing and the presence here is a clear sign of that. She made an impression in every life she touched, changed everyone she met for the better. She bridged gaps, opened doors, blazed paths that we will all follow long into our future. This, none of us will soon forget.

"I cannot stand here, before all of you who may have known Aurian for years, months, weeks, or even days, and tell you that she was a good person, or a great person. Aurian was a phenomenal woman whose deeds simply cannot be so easily labeled. Her _life_ cannot be so easily labeled.

"I know that many of you here today are confused, and I wish I had an answer for you, but unfortunately, I do not. Aurian came here to fill a position, a job, but she did far more than that.

"Her death is unfair..." with this statement he paused, his own anger rising. She was killed by the enemy, but he couldn't say that. She had faced Megatron and had paid for it with her life, but he couldn't say that either. She had tried to warn them... "Nothing I say can ever change that. However, what I can say is that Aurian served her country, all countries, until her last moments, and she did so amazingly well. We can only hope to live up to her example.

"Our greatest mistake was thinking that she needed our protection. All this time, she protected us...and now? Now we have to move on without her and I, for one, regret that." He turned to face the coffin containing what remained of the body of the woman they had all come to mourn. Calling out the familiar commands he could hear as every soldier, be they a part of N.E.S.T., or any other faction from around the world, complied. He could also hear the rising keen of several mourners as their grief overtook them.

What he didn't expect was to see several of the vehicles he knew to be aliens reacting in a way he could see. It was such a miniscule motion that for a moment he wasn't sure he was actually seeing it, but as it progressed, he became surer of it.

It started in Sideswipe; his chassis would shimmy as if the ground was shaking beneath him. Then it would travel to Sunstreaker, where it looked more like a strong wind was pushing him. Then Jazz's nose would dip down just a touch, and the lights on Wheeljack's new sporty alt mode would flicker slightly. Bumblebee seemed to be sinking down on his tires and Arcee crept ever closer to the yellow Camaro. Jolt sagged on his frame – almost like the air was being let out of his tires. First Aid, in his emergency response alt mode (which he had chosen to follow the more traditional white and red unit) could have been a low-rider, given the way his entire frame hugged the ground. Optimus, Ironhide and Ratchet seemed to be the only ones in control of themselves at the moment, yet Will questioned even that. Somehow, their stillness was more disturbing than the minute movements of the others.

"Is it just me," Rob whispered from near by, "or does it seem like our friends might be a little on edge?"

Will glanced around nervously. Were they simply reacting to their grief or was there something else?

"You must be Major Lennox." The woman's voice caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand on end. She had apparently come up behind him while he had been distracted, and he soon realized that the coffin had been loaded into the hearse and everyone was preparing to follow to the burial site.

Spinning to face the woman, Will knew this was going to be the most trying part of his day. "Mrs. Towns?"

"Silvia." The woman looked angry. Very angry.

"You have my deepest cond..."

"Stop. I don't want sympathy, Major. I want some truth." The way she looked at him made it perfectly clear she knew there was more going on than she had been told. "I know my daughter had a knack for finding trouble, so I have no doubts that led to this," she waved over the collection of people gathered, waiting to leave for the burial. "What I don't understand is what she was doing with the military. She hated the military."

"Ma'am, I really wish I could explain better; however, Aurian's involvement..."

"What's with the cars?" Silvia snapped, her eyes shifting from their pinning glare on Will, to the vehicles behind him.

Will's voice caught; he hadn't thought he would have to explain the reason for the vehicles. His mind raced through the many different military standards for questions that weren't allowed to be answered, none of them seemed appropriate.

Silvia was looking at him – she had that 'knowing' look, like she already knew whatever he said was going to be a cover-up. "You see, Major Lennox, I may not have approved of the things my daughter got involved in, but she never kept secrets from me.

"She went out with her friends one night and they all got these silly tattoos. Each of them was different of course, but they all had one common feature to them. Something about a homage to their 'nerdiness', though I really can't say I understand what that was supposed to mean. What I find very odd is that the strange symbol that Auri got tattooed on her leg is also painted all over those cars. What's the connection here?"

"I don't really know what the symbol means." It wasn't an all-out lie. He _didn't_ know what it meant; only that it was the symbol the Autobots used to mark their faction.

"Sure. Then why is it all over them?"

"Aurian liked it." Well, she _did_. Will was starting to hate himself. Silvia was very observant and he couldn't answer any of her questions the way he would like to have.

"Okay, so they were her cars then?"

"In a way."

Silvia made a 'ticking' sound, something like a mother that had just caught their child in a lie. "Aurian couldn't drive a Semi, you're being ridiculous."

"She didn't exactly drive them."

Silvia studied Will intently. So much so that even after all his years with the military, Will was growing very uncomfortable. "Which one was hers?" It wasn't really a question.

"I'm sorry, but Aurian didn't own any of these vehicles."

Growing tired of the game, Silvia rolled her eyes and walked past Will to the line of cars. Their 'drivers' were just preparing to get inside to take them to the burial sight. She only looked for a few seconds before she decided which one her daughter had most likely driven – or so she could assume. Walking boldly up to the man that was preparing to open the door to the silver, sleek, sporty looking Chevy she cleared her throat. "Excuse me, soldier. But I'll be taking this one."

"What?" The soldier turned on her and seemed to freeze. "Who..."

"Her mother. Do you have any arguments?"

By this time, Will had recovered from his shock that the woman had been so bold, and had come to stand beside the 'soldier'. "Sideswipe?"

"Yeah...it's fine," the young man responded, seemingly shaking himself out of a daze, "but I'm driving. You can ride."

Silvia studied the young man just as intently as she had studied Will previously. "You knew her pretty well, didn't you...Sideswipe, was it?"

"Yes and yes."

"How well?"

Again, the young soldier seemed thrown for a loop. "What?"

"How well did you know her? Friends? Dating? More?"

"Friends! Geez, lady, you don't hold back do you?"

"No. Not where my daughter is...was...involved." Seeming to accept the terms of her transportation, Silvia stepped around the car and let herself in on the passenger side.

"You know you can't tell her anything, right?" Will looked at the 'soldier' before him, Sideswipe's chosen holographic form for the occasion was a rather clean-cut, young – though experienced looking, army soldier. He had gotten the uniform painfully correct, down to the last little detail.

"Yeah, whatever you say...slag, she looks just like her..."

Will was unnerved by the dazed tone to Sideswipe's voice. He could only hope the young mech maintained his senses well enough not to dig a deeper hole than they already seemed to be in with the woman. Not to mention he doubted that this would have any benefits to Sideswipe's struggle in dealing with Aurian's death. "Keep it together, Sides."

"I'm fine," he snapped before opening his driver's side door.

The drive was quiet for almost exactly two and a half minutes.

"Were you good friends with her?" Silvia looked over the car, looked over the man, and found her interest was more for the road they were traveling down. This was probably the smoothest drive she'd ever been on. She didn't know whether to attribute that to her numbed, grief-stricken senses, or to the nice car, but either way, the ride was pleasant.

"You could say that."

"Really?"

Sideswipe got the distinct feeling he had just walked into a trap. "We were more than acquaintances."

"Lovers?"

"No." He answered far quicker than he thought he should have. No, they had not been lovers, never would have been. "She was with Roger."

"Roger? Campton?"

Sideswipe nodded. Aurian hadn't told him about their relationship until after Roger was already gone, but at least she had told him. Her mother; however, was only hearing of it after _both_ of them were gone. He couldn't imagine how that had to feel.

"He was a good man..." Silvia seemed to fall into her thoughts for a while, but Sideswipe was mistaken if he thought that would have been the end of it. "Were you there for her? When he died?"

"Yeah," somehow this felt like another trap, "she was pretty torn up about it. Can't say I entirely blame her. They didn't really get to enjoy their bond before he was killed."

"How'd he die again?"

"Accident. One of the labs was destroyed; he was inside." Sideswipe wasn't sure why it was so easy to talk to this woman; perhaps it was her striking similarity to Aurian herself – even her unwavering boldness in a time of grief. Or maybe it was that he felt that if anyone other than Sunstreaker could really understand his grief, it was this human.

Silvia laughed a little. It was a sad, ironic sound. "I always thought Auri would have been in something like that. She was always so prone to things blowing up..." She shook her head. "How was she killed?"

Straight to the point. "I...uh...well, I'm not allowed to say."

"Was it at least quick?"

Her death? Yes, her death had been quick; however, what lead up to her death was anything but. What should he say? Just tell her that she had died quickly and omit that she had suffered so much before hand? Or should he be honest? "She..."

"She didn't, did she?" Silvia could see the pain in the man's entire body while he struggled to find an answer he could give her. He had been very close to her daughter. "Figures, that's just her style. Stubborn to the end. She never could do anything the easy way." Tears streaked down her face. "You loved her." There was no question in her mind about it, and so she had not asked it as a question. She was telling this man, this Mr. Sideswipe, that he had loved her daughter and she knew it.

"I cared about her a lot."

"Cared?" She smiled, even as the tears slowed. "No, dear, you loved her. I can see it."

"She was with Roger."

"Did you ever tell her?" Silvia had never been for the 'beating around the bush' tactics. After all, if you wanted to know something, the best way to get a straightforward answer was to be straightforward.

"She knew I cared for her..."

"But did she know you loved her? No, never mind. You don't look like the type that would interfere with another relationship. So she was with Roger and you never said anything. That's too bad. I bet she'd have really gone for you. You look like her type."

"I think you're jumping to conclusions. I'm not all what I look like."

"Oh, I know that." Silvia smiled, and for a second Sideswipe thought maybe, somehow, she knew the truth. "It doesn't matter, though. Aurian had a big heart. I can see it in your eyes that you wanted her to care about you the same way you cared about her."

"You're seeing things."

"Now is not the time to deny your feelings, young man. There's no going back, no changing anything. You might as well admit them to yourself if not to anyone else."

"Why are you even talking to me like this? You don't know me."

"I don't have to. Auri did, and that's really all I need to know." The procession was turning into the graveyard and Silvia felt her grief welling. This was it. She was burying her daughter. "You know, I'm glad to have met you, Mr. Sideswipe. Knowing my daughter had friends like you..." her voice choked off for a second, denying her the seriousness she wanted to convey. "She had a way about her, always drew the best of people to her." She choked out harshly as more tears poured from her eyes. "Thank you for taking care of her." Not feeling there was anything else to be said, Silvia pushed open the door and left Sideswipe behind her as she went to look over her daughter's final resting place.

Sideswipe was at a loss. That was Aurian's mother, her femme creator. She was so like her, yet just different enough to not be the same. That woman telling him 'thank you' really felt like Aurian saying a last good-bye.

'Sunny, I've got to get out of here.' Sideswipe was already navigating the swarm of vehicles blocking his path to the exit.

'Where are you going?'

'I don't know; I just can't be here.'

'Sides...' There was sympathy, comfort, and a large helping of annoyance fed through their bond.

'Sunny, just give me some time. I can't deal with this right now.' He knew the others would have noticed by now, but they couldn't exactly go chasing after him, that would look odd.

It was his duty to keep an eye on all his soldiers, so Optimus was the first to call the younger mech as he watched him move through the cemetery. ::Sideswipe, what's going on?::

::Nothing, Prime, I just can't take the crowd.::

Optimus could sympathize with the silver twin. Grief was never easy to handle and they each had to deal with it in their own way. If he needed solitude, he would allow it, so long as it didn't interfere with his duties or cause harm to himself or anyone else. ::Take it easy, we will contact you when the service is over.::

::Fine...:: He didn't want to 'take it easy', he didn't want to meet up with the others afterward, he didn't want to go back to Diego Garcia. There was only one thing he wanted, but he couldn't have that.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Optimus had been a little more than concerned when, after the nearly two hour long ceremony, Sideswipe had been nowhere to be found. Even more when the mech had not answered any of their calls. Not even Sunstreaker had been able to get a response from his missing twin.

Thoughts instantly turned to the worst. Sideswipe had not been dealing with his grief well at all, but they had all been so sure that he would – eventually – overcome it. Had they been wrong?

It was nearly a joor before they had been able to track down the rogue mech, and at first, they had thought their worst fears had been realized. The mech was damaged, steaming – literally – and completely still in his alt mode resting against a stone wall in a very unnatural way.

'Sideswipe, you self-centered scrap of slag! What the Pit do you think you're doing?' Sunstreaker's engine roared with his fury, though it wasn't anger that his twin had taken off, it was anger that his twin had vanished and none of them had known where to find him. Sunstreaker had been afraid that he would be separated again, something he wasn't sure he could handle, or worse. Sideswipe had closed their bond, refused to answer to anything sent, and when they finally located him, they found him run down and too exhausted to drive himself anywhere.

Ratchet didn't know whether to be furious, or sympathetic. He could understand Sideswipe was feeling grief, and that he had to deal with it himself, but that was no excuse for self-neglect, or self abuse like this. ::Sideswipe, are you injured?::

There was no answer from Sideswipe, but his golden twin answered uneasily for him. ::He's fine.::

Sideswipe wasn't 'fine', but there was nothing physically wrong with him. All his external damage was nothing but that – external, and completely superficial at that.

Will and Rob were busy tethering the smaller car to Ironhide. It had been deemed the least suspicious looking arrangement, even if Ironhide had been less than pleased to have a hauling rig tied to his aft.

'Sides, would you at least answer me?'

'I want to deactivate them.' Sideswipe spoke distantly, as though from the depths of recharge.

'Who?'

'All of them.'

'Who?'

'The Decepticons!'

It was a familiar declaration between them. They both had a deep, driving need to deactivate every 'Con they ever came across. Sunstreaker couldn't say there was ever one that he had been happy he had not deactivated. This was just another thing they could add to the list of wrongs they had committed. 'Sides, we've always deactivated 'Cons, we always will.'

'Now! I want to rip out their sparks with my bare hands! Starting with Megatron! Then that piece of slag Starscream, and Scalpel! I will crush him into a nothingness that can't even be detected on the most sensitive of scanners! I will deactivate them all!'

'Sides, calm down.'

'They took her away, Sunny!' Sideswipe's engine screeched as it tried to turn. He didn't have enough energy for it, so he was only left with an ache and the sound echoing through his audios. 'They take _everything_ away!'

'Not everything.'

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	108. Journal Entry 108

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', and Litahatchee for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic._

_Lyrics: Owl City 'Fireflies'  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sideswipe onlined in the med bay. He could have expected it, should have expected it. He could still feel the strain of his outburst lingering through his body, he had gone as far, as fast as he could and then still pushed further. He couldn't remember everything that had happened but he was pretty sure that he had destroyed a few things in his path.

"_You would not believe your eyes, if ten million fireflies..._" The voice drifted quietly through the med bay. Sideswipe almost put it off to his aching processor trying to make sense of the machines running in the facility.

"_Lit up the world as I fell asleep..._" It continued, just a soft little sound that didn't really want to be heard, just created.

Turning his head, he saw that not far away sat the strange, shy femme, Proxy. She was sitting cross-legged on a berth near him, a data pad in her hands holding her entire focus.

"_'Cause they'd fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere..._"

Sideswipe found the femme pleasing to look at. She was small, with smooth features. It appeared that she hadn't yet transcanned an alternative mode, but it somehow seemed fitting to her. He noticed that her head bobbed slightly from side to side as she continued to sing. Sunstreaker had taken his task very seriously, and had lived up to it amazingly.

"_You'd think me rude, but I would just stand and stare..._"

He thought he could hear an extra note in the last word that just didn't belong. Like she hated that word, like it hurt.

"_I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep, 'Cause everything is never as it seems..._"

Hadn't he heard this song before? He knew it; he knew he did. His processor was playing it for him as the femme sang, but the voice in his head was not hers, it was...

"'_'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs, from ten thousand lightning bugs, as they tried to teach me how to dance. A foxtrot above my head, a sock hop beneath my bed, a disco ball is just hanging by a thread._"

"What are you singing?" He growled, though he hadn't intended to, and he regretted it when the femme looked up, dropping her data pad on the floor with her surprise.

"Sides! You're awake! That's good...I...um, what'd you ask?"

"What were you singing?"

"Oh, just a song. I used to have a hard time remembering the words, but I heard it on the radio not long ago. Guess it just got stuck."

"Is there something wrong with your processor?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?" She whined, sliding off the berth and recovering her data pad. "I'll tell Ratchet you're awake."

"I don't need him." Sideswipe rolled to a sitting position. His whole body felt heavy and he soon found himself struggling to maintain his position. Cool hands on his chest shocked him.

"Take it easy, Sides, okay?" Her oddly shifting optics were pleading, so soft, so caring, but that's not what Sideswipe was focused on.

Her hands on his chassis, that direct contact sent jolts of energy through his entire body. His spark leaped, danced, and cried out to be closer to that energy, begged him to call out to the femme's energies. "I know you."

"Well, that's good!" She laughed, and it was pleasing. "Then at least we know your short-term memory wasn't affected."

"No, I know you!" He grabbed one of her hands in his, the answer was right there, just at the front of his processor. Why couldn't he make that final connection?

"Sides..." she looked hopeful, and then sad, "we just met a few days ago. I'm Proxy, remember?"

"No, you're not." He was sure now that was not the femme's designation. It couldn't be; it didn't seem right.

"From not long after I was brought online...I've been designated Proxy." She pulled away from him and he felt the separation deep down inside more than he felt it in his hands. "I'll go get Ratchet, okay? I'll be right back."

He watched her go, something inside him still begging to follow, to grab her and not let go. He wanted to feel the elation that was growing in his spark. It was wonderful, lifting, something he needed badly, but he didn't know why it was there.

She continued singing softly as she set off to find the CMO. "_I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly. It__'s__ hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep..._"

"Aurian?" He was almost afraid to speak the name, but he couldn't shake the feeling.

The femme stopped. She had already crossed half the med bay, but she still heard the softly spoken name. Turning half around to look at the mech who looked as though he would give his very spark for her to just say 'yes', Proxy spared a half smile. "_Cause everything is never as it seems..._"

Sideswipe kept his optics locked on the femme until she vanished down the hall that led to Ratchet's office. His spark was going wild in its casing, the vibrations of its pulsing actually causing his frame to shake.

She hadn't said 'no'...

"Sideswipe?" Ratchet's voice was close. Closer than Sideswipe would have expected until he realized that the medic was beside him, and from his look had been there for a while.

"I'm fine," he said, though his voice had no bite to it. He was far too focused on the fact that he wanted – no, _needed_ to find that femme. "Where did Proxy go?"

"She went to go recharge..." Ratchet's scans were confusing him. The amount of energy regained from Sideswipe's long recharge should not be quite this high. It was a positive thing, considering the mech's orns of self-neglect, but it was still confusing. "She stayed with you, you know. You apparently scared her."

"I didn't do anything to her," Sideswipe really didn't think before he responded.

Ratchet moved so that he was standing in front of the young warrior. "She was worried for you. She said something about everything that was happening to you was her fault. Do you know what that is about?"

"What?" Now Ratchet owned Sideswipe's complete attention. Her fault? As she had stated, he barely knew the femme...except that now he was sure that wasn't true. "I've barely even seen her."

"Hmm," Ratchet could easily believe that. After all, he had kept Proxy pretty well in the med bay due to her odd spark – he wanted to make sure than none of the marks or discolorations would prove fatal – and Sideswipe had been all but a ghost to everyone in that same time. "I couldn't get her to expand on it any further. I wish I understood more about her; it is hard to tell if her actions are simply concern, or a sign of a deeper malfunction.

"At any rate, she seems to have taken an interest in your...your grief. A lot of us are concerned about the way you are handling it, and I believe that the subject has been avoided long enough. You are causing harm to yourself and I simply cannot allow that to continue."

Sideswipe gave a rather loud sound of annoyance. It wasn't a surprise to him that Ratchet would approach him about his behavior, it was the medic's job after all, but now just wasn't the time. "I have something else to do," he growled angrily. The front-liner did not feel like talking about his emotions – he really didn't understand them himself right now – especially not with Ratchet. Besides, he had a femme to speak with.

"You are not going anywhere," the CMO refused to move, effectively trapping the younger mech unless he used force to get by. "By Optimus, and my orders; you are to remain here until I deem you fit to be released."

"I can take care of myself, Ratchet!" Sideswipe was quickly passing the point where he respected the fact that the medic only had his best interests in mind. He wanted to confine him to the med bay for observations? The front-liner wasn't going to accept that.

"Obviously not."

The silver twin glared at the medic with all of his quickly rising anger and disbelief. There was no way, not when he was so close to confirming something that could change his entire world, that he was going to just sit here in the med bay.

"It is for your own good, Sideswipe. Please don't make me enforce it." There was an honest plea to Ratchet's voice. He wanted Sideswipe to be okay, and unfortunately, he felt that the only way to assure that was to keep the mech where someone could watch him closely until he started to heal from his sparkshock.

He was still confused as to how Sunstreaker had come so far from the damaging grief while Sideswipe had not. True, it was easy to suspect that Sideswipe had been closer to Aurian than his twin, but by so much that Sunstreaker would be seemingly only affected by the grief Sideswipe felt, and by none of his own?

"I am not staying here," it was a challenge that Sideswipe knew better than to threaten the medic with. Ratchet would follow through with his threats, but he was far too interested in reaching the femme right now.

Knowing that he only had kliks to act before the CMO did, Sideswipe kicked the medic back and shoved himself off the berth. He instantly felt the lag in his systems, his legs didn't want to carry his weight, but his spark pulsed heavily, driving him on. Without pausing to see how the medic would react, he ran as fast as he could convince his systems to allow. Honestly, he was surprised he made it to the door before Ratchet called out for him to stop.

He wouldn't stop. Not now. He was on the cusp of something important, and nobody could stop him from finding the truth.

Going completely by the tugging in his spark, Sideswipe raced down the halls, barely avoiding people and ducking Autobots as he went. He didn't know where Proxy's quarters were, but he was sure that he would find her at the end of this desperate dash.

::Sideswipe! You glitched half-bit, get back here!:: Ratchet demanded over the general link.

There were other demands, similar demands, but Sideswipe ignored them all. There was only one thing he wanted to hear, one being he would answer to at this point.

'Sides,' okay, two, 'what are you doing?' The worry in Sunstreaker's voice was enough to grab a fraction of Sideswipe's dedicated attention.

'I'm looking for Proxy.'

'Why?'

Sideswipe didn't miss the twinge of hope in his twin's question. 'Because I need answers,' he growled; the thought 'that you won't give' was clearly felt through their bond.

The fact that Sunstreaker seemed apologetic for it startled Sideswipe. Sunstreaker really did know, and wasn't telling him?

'She's in her quarters, but I don't think you will be able to reach her. She's recharging.'

'How do you know that?'

'Because I was just there,' Sunstreaker felt the flair of rage through their bond, for whatever reason, Sideswipe wasn't happy that Sunstreaker had been with the femme he was currently seeking. 'She told me you were online.'

Sideswipe slowed as he approached the door blocking him from the goal he sought. 'I think...' he started, wondering if he should tell Sunstreaker what he thought, or if his twin would tell him he was really glitched and needed to go back to Ratchet. 'Somehow, it feels like that femme is...'

'What?'

'I'll get my answers, Sunny.' With that, he denied any further communication with his brother. If he was right, and if Sunstreaker had known all this time, they were going to have a long, painful, 'discussion' over the issue of secrets between them. Until then, how was he going to get the answers he was looking for?

He tried knocking, but there was no answer. Then he tried the release, only to find the femme had apparently locked her door.

"Proxy?" He called out hopefully, but still found no answer. He slammed his fist on the door; his spark was driving him insane, and his processor wasn't helping any at all. "Proxy! I need to talk to you!" He banged again, though something told him she wasn't going to answer, even if she was online on the other side.

Ironhide's unmistakable voice rumbled down the halls. They were searching for him, and it wouldn't be long before they found him. Shorter, if he kept yelling. How was he going to reach her? Then, an idea occurred to him.

'Aurian, I know you're there,' he reached over the bond he had once thought was lost. 'You are Proxy, aren't you?' He leaned his head and forearms against the door, feeling the weakness settling back into his frame. 'Please, just...answer me? I need you...'

'I am Proxy,' the femme's voice was sad, nervous, and disappointed, 'not Aurian.'

Sideswipe stayed quiet for a while just taking in the fact that she had answered before he registered just what she had said. 'But, the bond...'

'I...was once the human you knew, but I'm not anymore. I'm not her.'

'Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you answer my calls?' He felt anger, but his desperation was overriding it easily. Did she not want to acknowledge him? Was she angry that he had not come to save her?

'Sides,' the door slid open, forcing the mech to step back, 'I didn't want to hurt you more by letting you believe that I was her, that I would _be_ her. I am Proxy, and that's all I remember being. I have...glimpses, but nothing that is firm or clear from...that life.' Her odd optics seemed to stop shifting colors, instead choosing only shades of blue and gray as she looked up at the mech before her.

Her voice was soft and sweet, Sideswipe was sure he could listen to it forever. 'I wanted to come after you,' he followed the bond, reaching out to the femme only to find that she had no feelings for her – no, Aurian's – previous imprisonment with the Decepticons other than a faint sorrow for the death of the woman.

'If...' she vented, quickly grabbing the front-liner's hand and pulling him into her room before shutting the door. "If I was her, really her, I know she would have believed you, and she would not be upset with you. I have memories of wanting to come back to you, and to Sunstreaker – you were both very important to...her."

"Proxy," it felt like a fresh intake of air to him, even if he still felt the name was a little awkward. "In my processor there is no 'if'. Your word is as good as hers to me. I..." he took a moment to really feel how this all was affecting him. His grief was still there, still strong and painful, but there was so much relief that the pressure of the grief was only a shadow in comparison. "I can accept who you are now; if you can accept that she is a part of you."

There was clear disapproval on the femme's face. "No. I am not Aurian, I will never _be_ Aurian. I don't want you to delude yourself into believing that I am her." Her look softened. "I...okay, I was her once – at least, if my fading memories have anything to say about it I was, but you thinking of me as her would be the same as me thinking of you as Sunstreaker. You are two separate beings..."

"Who are a part of each other?" He stepped forward wanting to be closer to the femme, but his body was quickly growing weak again and he could feel his legs giving beneath him. "If anyone could understand your confusion, your frustrations, and everything else that you're probably going through right now – it will be me and Sunny. Please, don't shut us out. Don't shut me out." He reached out over the bond, willing the femme to respond to him. He offered all of his longing for Aurian to be there, but also his understanding that she didn't want to be thought of as the late human.

Proxy closed her optics for a moment, venting softly a few times before she accepted and returned her own feelings through the bond, though from her end came a deep concern for the pain Sideswipe had suffered – was still suffering – and guilt for her involvement.

'It isn't your fault,' he assured her over the bond.

"You need rest," Proxy stated rather abruptly. She looked over the mech, seeing his obvious weariness. "Why don't you lay down for a while," she indicated her own berth as an offering. "I...I know you don't like being in the med bay, and someone really should be close by."

"I think 'Hide would tear down your door if he found out I was in here."

An amusingly dark look came over the femme. "Hardly." She encouraged the front-liner with a guiding tug. "You lay down; I'll take care of them."

Proxy waited until she was sure the mech was comfortable before she abandoned her quarters in favor of seeking out the weapons specialist she knew was lurking somewhere nearby.

She was supposed to be able to access the general communications line, but continued to have trouble with the actual act of opening the link. She could hear when others used it, but that was about as far as it went. Ratchet had explained that it was likely because she wasn't used to her new frame yet – though even he had looked a little doubtful.

Luckily for her, the large black mech was not being any form of silent in his search for the silver twin.

"Mech won't have to worry about sparkshock after I get my hands on him," Ironhide growled as he rounded yet another corner, though he stumbled a little, as he had to stop quite suddenly or risk crashing into the small figure in front of him. "Proxy!" He hadn't had much time to get to know this new femme, but in that short time he had found he enjoyed her presence – once she got over her shyness.

"I know where Sides is," she mumbled nervously, "he's...he's recharging now. He's safe."

"Where is he?" Ironhide tried to keep the growl from his voice, but the way the femme flinched clearly indicated his failure.

"He doesn't like the med bay," she continued, shifting from foot to foot as she talked. "I-I let him use my berth. He didn't look like he'd make it to his."

"Why was he in your quarters?"

Proxy vented with frustration. "Does it matter? He's resting, like he should be, and he's safe. Shouldn't that be enough? The poor guy's been through enough without everyone breathing down his neck about it."

Ironhide's own concern for the mech flared at the femme's words. Really, he wasn't mad that Sideswipe had run from Ratchet, he was worried about what he would do. After his last stunt, anything was possible. "You're right," he admitted, all his former growl having left him. "You intend to watch over him then?"

Proxy nodded.

"You will contact someone if anything seems out of place, correct?"

"I'm not a child," she snapped, then cringed at her own boldness.

Not a child. That was true: and not true all at the same time. The femme's spark registered as something that was both old and young. Her processing was usually within the realm of a grown 'bot, but at times it was so naive – like a youngling.

"All right," he nodded slightly. ::Ratchet, I have located Sideswipe. He is...in good hands.::

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

_ 'You could have told me.'_

_ 'She made me promise not to.'_

_ '...I don't know if I'm willing to take that as an excuse.'_

_ 'You don't really have a choice in the matter. It's the truth. You would have done the same thing.'_

_ '__…'_

_ 'Are you going to be okay?'_

_ 'Yeah...I really think I am. I mean, I miss her still. A lot. Primus, Sunny, I still can't believe she...I mean, she's not, but...'_

_ 'I know. It's really unbelievable.'_

_ 'It__'__s...a good thing.'_

_ 'Good thing? Since when do we get 'good things', Sides?'_

* * *

**Can you believe this was originally going to be the end of Science and Fiction? Rude, huh? But I decided two things: 1) I love this fic too much to just drop it here, and 2) I didn't want an angry mob on my doorstep wanting to lynch me for my cliffie-like ending. ^_~**

**For anyone wondering, no, I do not intend to take TF3 into consideration for this story - though I may borrow a few ideas for plotlines. Overall, it will not be taken as 'cannon' as far as this fiction is concerned.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input!

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use upcoming ideas. ^_~ I'll note when they appear.

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	109. Journal Entry 109

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

_Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."  
_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*0*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There wasn't a single being on Diego Garcia that did not notice the three-sixty change in Sideswipe's condition and attitude. The mech was downright pleasant, and was on the mend, much to all the medic's great relief. None of them had known how to help the front-liner cope, but it seemed he had found something on his own.

Or, perhaps it would have been better said that something – some_one – _found him instead.

"They're practically inseparable," Wheeljack noted.

Jazz smiled a small, knowing grin. "It's nice ta see. Mechs needed somethin' good in their lives. Femme needed them too."

"It was uh really weird turn o' events though, dont'cha think?"

"Not really," Jazz turned his gaze from the three 'bots the two of them had been watching relax together, seemingly just enjoying each other's presence. "Some things are just meant ta be."

"Ah guess," the scientist agreed. "Kinda makes meh think o' old times. They're all so young. Remember when we were they're age?"

The saboteur laughed. "Nah, can't say Ah do, 'Jack! Centuries 've rolled over since then."

The two mechs shared a good laugh, exchanging stories from their past – from better times – before their reminiscence was disturbed by a booming voice over the general com.

::All Autobots report to the tarmac immediately!:: The order was so sudden, so abrupt that no one had the thought of mind to respond before they acted. Every 'bot on base moved in a single, synchronous action to the ordered destination, leaving many baffled humans behind as they did so.

Optimus stood anxiously waiting for the others to arrive. The signal he had received was very disturbing, but its desperation was what drew him here. Someone was coming and they needed help. That in and of itself was not the issue, the issue was the Decepticon signal that this someone was broadcasting like a midday news cast.

Ironhide came stomping up beside him, displeased that he had been interrupted from his target practice, but was immediately on guard as he looked upon his leader and the state of tense wariness he was in. "What's this about, Prime?"

"A signal I received just a moment ago. Incoming Cybertronian."

"Autobot?"

Optimus shook his head. "Decepticon."

"So we blast it on sight. Problem solved."

"No."

"What?" Ironhide's cannons were already whirring to life, ready for an easy dismissal of yet another foe. "In Primus's, name why not?"

"Because the signal was a mayday. A plea for aid."

"It's a 'Con..."

"Who is begging for help?" Optimus glanced at his weapons specialist and friend. He knew Ironhide's feelings toward Decepticons – they were all the same, not worth the metal they were built from – however, he also knew that Ironhide would not act against him if he did not have good cause to. "The message was short; 'Precious cargo. Severely damaged. Requesting assistance, please save them.'"

"It's nothing but another tr...them?"

"Yes."

"Who?" For some reason Ironhide could not explain, he felt a hope...and fear, twisting deep in his spark.

"I don't know."

At this point the roaring of engines indicated the arrival of three more – Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and seated comfortably on top of Sideswipe's alt form; Proxy. Jazz and Wheeljack weren't far behind.

The femme leaped from her seat as soon as they were close and rushed to Optimus's side, her strange eyes full of an even stranger emotion.

"Optimus, it's Barricade." Her voice was soft, meant only for him to hear.

He looked at the small femme, his first instinct was to assure her it could be any Decepticon, but the look in her optics held no doubts. She knew. "How?"

"I-I don't really know how, just that it's him. Let him come, help him...please?"

By this time Ratchet had arrived with First Aid, Perceptor – who had finally come online after nearly another orn of recovery time – and Jolt close behind. Ratchet's optics fixed on the sky where the first signs of entry where showing, Wheeljack's optics were on the femme.

"Of course we will." Ratchet assured her.

"Because we make a habit of aiding Decepticons?" Mirage startled more than one 'bot as he seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Arcee, the younger twins, Beachcomber and Seaspray were the last to arrive, though their optics were already fixed to the sky where fire burned a bright streak. Even from just the light they could all see that the descending 'bot was in trouble.

"If we're lucky he'll hit a rock harder than his shell," Sunstreaker grumbled.

"Don't say that!" Proxy looked horrified by the very thought and her eyes tracked the blazing ball in the sky trying desperately to predict his decent.

"After everything he's done, you still..." Sunstreaker cut his words short, knowing what he wanted to say would end up telling more than he wanted to. "He's a 'Con, you saw it for yourself what he can do."

Proxy turned on Sunstreaker. "He did nothing wrong!"

"What are you talking about? You saw him! He betrayed us, he turned his back on y-us. He deactivated all those protoforms!"

"Sparklin's..." Wheeljack interjected sorrowfully. "Maybe not created in the conventional way, but they were sparklin's."

Sunstreaker scoffed at the inventor. "As if that makes any difference. He deactivated them pretty willingly."

"Because I asked him to!" Proxy wailed brokenly. "It's my fault they're gone...mine and no one else's. If you have to blame someone, blame me!"

"You what?" Arcee couldn't believe her audios. She had heard Wheeljack's tales of the Decepticon's bioengineering experimentation, of sacs containing sparklings, but never of what happened to them. Only that they were gone, deactivated to save them from Megatron's wrath. Her spark ached at the thought of so many innocent sparks lost to them yet again, but to hear it was at the hands of a mech known to have done a similar deed previously, _and_ by the _request_ of another femme? That was too much! "How could you?"

Proxy did not attempt to explain herself, to try and earn some forgiveness. She did not feel she deserved it. To this very moment, she believed that if she had only tried harder they could have come up with some solution, but she had been too scared, and too confused to try and all of those lives had been lost because of her.

"That's not what I meant." Sunstreaker spoke quietly, though still harsh. He hadn't thought that the femme might hold herself to blame for the tragedy. She hadn't been in control of any of it, merely another victim.

"It doesn't matter what you meant, Sunstreaker. If you want to blame him for his actions, than blame me for mine. I asked him to do it, and I do not regret it." Her voice quivered with her last words. "I do not regret it!" She reaffirmed, though not one 'bot watching the exchange would believe it.

Any further conversation was ended by the screeching whine of the entry comet sailing overhead, skimming the base to plow into the shore on the far side of the island. Proxy was gone in an instant, not bothering to wait and see what Optimus would say. It didn't matter to her that the truth of what she had done had been revealed, all that mattered at that moment was that Barricade had landed in water and he was injured. She feared for him, and that fear drove her all the way to the shore and into the churning, boiling water where she could just make out the form of the Decepticon slowly sinking.

Pushing her frame to move faster, she came beside the sinking mech and grabbed onto his chest plating. His size was nearly double her own, and likewise so was his mass, leaving Proxy struggling for any progress. She was thankful when she broke the surface and there were hands grabbing her, pulling her and her burden back to the safety of land. She heard several voices, all saying different things in a variety of tones from concern to disapproval, but the only one she cared about was Ratchet. "Help him!"

"Slag him! You don't even know if your protoform is watertight, what the Pit were you thinking?" Sideswipe was holding the smaller femme tightly, looking her over as best he could without letting go.

"She's fine, Side's. Well, unless ya crush 'er..." Jazz teased as he moved away from Barricade, allowing Ratchet, Jolt, and First Aid to do what they had to do.

"I don't get you, femme," Arcee came to glare over the scene as though she were looking at some grand puzzle to be solved. "Why would you do that?"

"Barricade!" Ratchet's urgent demand stole everyone's attention. He was leaning over the mech, trying to get his attention. "Barricade, listen to me. You have to open your hold."

A silent question flew through the gathered 'bots, one that they were all eager and afraid to hear the answer to.

"Barricade!" Ratchet demanded again.

"It's no use, Ratchet. He's too drained!" Jolt was struggling with Barricade's hold, trying to force it open without causing too much harm to the mech. His desperation, mixed with Ratchet's urgent words made everyone uneasy.

Proxy pushed away from Sideswipe's grip so quickly the mech didn't have a chance to stop her. She was kneeling beside the downed mech, one hand trembling near his head and the other resting on his chest. "'Cade, can you hear me? You're safe now."

The mech's optics lit for a klik, then faded again. With a groan of tortured gears and mechanisms, his hold slowly opened. All three medics were back to work without missing a beat.

"Ironhide! I need you." The way Ratchet said it made it clear that there was no choice in the matter for the weapons specialist, but like Pit he was going to willingly do anything to aid the 'Con that he had dared to trust, only to be deceived. "Ironhide, now!"

"No."

A growl that could have easily put Ironhide in his worst mood to shame shook the ground as Ratchet stood up, grabbed the stubborn mech and hauled him bodily to the Decepticon's side. "You don't have to help him," he snapped, "but you will help them!" Even as he spoke, he pulled small, faintly glowing, almost jelly-like sacs from Barricade's hold.

"S-sparklings!" Ironhide stared at the tiny forms moving inside the thin membranes. There was no doubt in his processor that they were, indeed, sparklings. They were impossibly tiny, slightly deformed – no, not yet fully formed – helpless, and in need of care. They were like nothing he had ever seen before, but he could not deny what his spark told him was true, they were sparklings. Still, the thought of holding them was offensive. "I...I can't! I won't!"

Ratchet pulled in a great amount of air to try and cool his already overheating systems. He didn't need this. "Listen to me very carefully, Ironhide. They will not survive unless they are put near a supporting spark quickly. They've been feeding off of his, and now he's too weak to keep supporting himself, let alone them. Either you help them, or they deactivate. You do not have time to think about it."

"Please!" Proxy begged, the grief in her voice enough to override whatever Ironhide was thinking for the moment. It was long enough for him to open his carrying hold and allow the medic to place several of the little orbs inside, almost immediately feeling them drawing on his spark. How they made that connection, he neither knew, nor wanted to.

It was offensive, uncomfortable, and more than anything, violating. He wanted to throw them out, get rid of them. Too many painful memories were attached to that feeling and he didn't want them...but Proxy, holding one of the small things in her delicate hands, shivering with despair, stayed his hand.

"How did he hold so many?" She asked as it became clear Ironhide could hold no more.

"He had twins." Ratchet stated coolly; it was a fact and nothing more. He couldn't spare the time to think of the ones they could not save. Barricade's already drained state could not support any of the little lives, and Ironhide held as many as he possibly could, ignoring a 'safe' capacity. There simply was nothing else they could do.

"But...they'll die..." Proxy tried holding the orb close to her chest, but she just was not equipped to support a spark beyond her own.

"There is nothing that can be done for it. We don't have a support system built for them and there is no one else with a carrying hold here."

Proxy's head immediately snapped up, looking to Optimus. "Please? Please, will you save them?"

"Just because he's a Prime doesn't mean he can work miracles, Proxy." Jolt snapped. This was harder than anything he had ever had to do before, and it was showing in everything he did. Just letting so many innocent sparks fade simply because they were not equipped? It was breaking his spark and the femme's pathetic pleas were not helping him any. His processor whirled at the composure Ratchet was able to hold, wondering what horrors his mentor had to of suffered to be able to push through this so coolly. Even First Aid, with his vorns of exposure wasn't maintaining a level composure; it was very clear that he wasn't okay with letting the little lives go so easily, but there was nothing any of them could do about it.

Optimus; however, looked stunned. More than stunned. Blown completely away wasn't even enough to describe how he felt as the femme's desperate optics locked on his own. If he hadn't known better, which by this point he was beginning to doubt that he did, he would think she knew...

"_Please_, Optimus!"

Everyone fell to a painfully uncomfortable silence as Optimus stepped forward. They all knew what was to come; wise words that spoke to each and every one of their sparks of how sometimes tragedies happened and there was nothing they could do about it. About how they needed to focus on the ones they could save, and not the ones they couldn't. About how war was a cruel master and they were all but players in the game, that they could only do as they were dealt and had to accept it. They all expected the Prime's noble, wise words of sparkache and comfort laced with a bittersweet hope. What they did not expect was for Optimus Prime, their noble leader of eons, to take the small life orb from Proxy...and place it in his own carrying hold.

The silence held until all the remaining orbs were safely tucked away in Optimus's hold, and then everything seemed to fall apart all at once.

"When did this happen?" Ironhide demanded, almost sounding betrayed by such a secret kept from him by one of his oldest and closest friends.

"How long has it been?" Wheeljack pushed in, with Arcee quickly pushing him out of the way with her own question. "Where's the youngling? It would have to be a youngling by now..."

"Why didn't ya' tell anyone?" Jazz quipped from beyond the crowd, not wanting to be mauled by the confused 'bots.

"Dis is some mess'd up..." Skids began, Mudflap more than prepared to over-speak his twin.

"Ain't right ta keep them kinda secrets...even if you is da Prime," the red twin finished.

"How did you keep it hidden?" Jolt asked, his tasks completely forgotten in the wake of such a processor-blowing revelation. How had he managed to keep something so physically altering hidden from the best CMO known to the Autobots?

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe stood silent, staring at Optimus, a glint in their eyes that told Optimus that they had pieces of the puzzle everyone was just learning about, and they had already put them in place. Had Aurian told them her suspicions before she had been destroyed?

"Help me get him back to the med bay." Ratchet demanded of anyone who would listen, though his tone demanded that everyone listen.

Optimus did not hesitate to step forward, but was instantly pushed back.

Jazz stood firmly before his leader, dwarfed by the large mech, but not looking any less imposing for the height difference. "Ya gotta save yer energy fer th' lil' one's yer carryin' now. Don' know how long it'll be 'fore 'Jack can get uh support system up 'n runnin'."

The logic was sound, but that did not mean Optimus wanted to force someone else to do the job instead. He knew not many of the Autobots now surrounding the downed Decepticon wanted to see him survive, if any of them did. However, he was put in his place when Sunstreaker and Sideswipe – of all the mechs present – stepped forward without a word spoken to them and lifted the 'Con between them. First Aid was quick to follow them; doing everything he could while moving to help the Decepticon. After all the help Barricade had given them during their escape, the medic couldn't honestly say he didn't feel like he owed him.

Jolt and Ratchet, momentarily spared the immediate concern of Barricade, turned their attentions to Ironhide and Optimus. Ratchet, with a rather cold expression, began scanning Optimus. While Jolt turned to Ironhide. "Your systems won't be able to support that many sparks for long. Wheeljack?"

"Already on it!" As if to demonstrate, the mech held up a data pad he had to have been storing somewhere on him with intricate designs already laid out on them. "I'm gonna need every spare set of hands available."

No one argued. All the remaining 'bots followed Wheeljack to begin constructing what they could only hope would be their next generation's support system.

All, that is, but Proxy. She stood looking lost halfway between where Sunstreaker and Sideswipe where carrying off Barricade, and where everyone else was moving to construct Wheeljack's newest invention.

"Proxy." Optimus called to the femme and felt some indescribable sensation rush through him as she turned those odd, tortured optics toward him. "What made you think I had a carrying hold?"

"I didn't think," she spoke as though it were nothing secret, "I knew." As the last words escaped her vocalizer, it seemed that the whole of it settled on her and her optics snapped shut, tightly. "How did I know? I couldn't know...I do...but I didn't know, not for sure...but I do!" She shook her head sharply, as though to dislodge something painful inside. "Why don't you tell him?" She finally said flatly, a stern look covering her features, her optics – now maintaining a smoky blue color – slowly opened to fix the Prime with something broaching on sick disapproval. "The poor youngling deserves to know the truth!"

"That femme's crazy." Jolt whispered softly to Ratchet. Ever sense her arrival he had felt very uncomfortable around her. She was unpredictable, confusing, and eccentric. A Cybertronian that could not speak nor understand her own language, a transformer that would not transform, a femme that held no grudge. She was not right.

"Glitched, Jolt." Ratchet whispered back, though his tone was not accusing like Jolt's. He was beginning to see the trouble for what it was. "She has memory files that aren't connecting properly."

"Who, Proxy?" Ironhide challenged, his head facing the femme, but his optics locked on the Prime at his side. "Who deserves to know the truth?"

The femme's optics snapped on Ironhide, as though damning him for speaking at all. "_You_ of all mechs should know." Then she stumbled, canted to one side as though she would fall, both hands rushing to her face, covering her optics, and then recovered her balance. All the mechs could hear the tortured scream of electricity not reaching its proper destination, of gears not quite matching up. What Optimus and Ironhide heard was a glitch, a problem that had to be corrected in the femme's structure. What Ratchet and Jolt heard was a system rejecting itself.

"You two get somewhere to rest," Ratchet ordered stiffly. "You need to conserve as much energy as possible until the support system is built."

With a nod from Optimus, and a grunt from Ironhide, the two headed off to do as they were told. They spared half-confused and half-concerned looks to the seemingly unstable femme as they left.

Ratchet strode toward the struggling femme, grabbing her arm to ensure she wouldn't actually fall over. "Proxy, can you hold it together long enough to get back to the med bay?"

"I'm fine, Ratchet." She looked up at him, her shifting optics clear, as they had been before the strange outburst. She placed a hand over his on her arm, silently thanking him for the offered support.

"Far from it, femme," Jolt added shortly. To tell the truth, he was beyond hearing 'I'm fine' from 'bots that clearly were not. How could _any _of them be fine? After everything that had happened just over the past several orns, he was pretty sure they all needed to be shut in a stasis specifically designed for the insane.

"I think I am beginning to understand your unique situation, Proxy. However, right now there are some more pressing issues."

"'Cade!"

"Yes."

"Why are you standing around? Go help him!" Proxy turned for the med bay and rushed off, the medics following closely.

Barricade was not in immediate danger anymore, but that did not mean they had excess time to stand around. The mech was Insular, had been harboring – Ratchet had forgotten to count how many – experimental sparks that fed off of him like miniature energy parasites for an extended amount of time, and likely had not been receiving the infusions of energon that he desperately needed just to sustain himself. It was going to be a miracle if they pulled him out of stasis.

They arrived at the med bay to find that Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had done all they could to help First Aid prepare the mech for what had to be done, with First Aid leaning over Barricade, already hard at work. Ratchet was stunned to find the twins still there, though he did not show it in his actions. Time was important and they had wasted enough already.

The two mechs immediately abandoned their half-reluctant watch over Barricade to stand on either side of Proxy. Their over-protectiveness of the femme had not escaped anyone's attention; however, Ratchet noted it a bit keener this time. A complicated riddle of impossibilities and improbabilities forming in his processor. Not that he had time to ponder over it now.

Several joors passed before an exhausted Jolt and First Aid trudged past the waiting 'bots and out of the med bay. Ratchet followed shortly behind, though he stopped to talk to Proxy, who had stepped away from her twin guardians to speak with him. "His processor was badly damaged by the energy drain. He will survive, but…" Ratchet kept his optics focused on the femme. At some point, he had realized that she had some rather disturbingly familiar traits, and he expected that this situation might lead to yet another.

"But what?" Proxy demanded.

"If he is to have any chance at any semblance of normal function ever again, he will have to be reformatted."

"NO! You can't do that! Not without his permission!" The femme looked almost wild, as though she were prepared to physically fight the medic over the mere notion of reformatting.

"And how do you purpose we obtain that?" Ratchet kept his voice soft, but firm. After all, she was acting on emotion – and possibly something else if his notions were correct – but not logic. "He is currently in stasis, and will remain so unless we can reroute his basic systems through reformatting."

Proxy looked torn. It was clear she thought there was something, some answer to the problem at hand, but like she could not grasp it.

A faint ticking noise started emminating from the femme, and a moment later, a small, red, feline-like bot was climbing Proxy's frame.

"What is that?" Ratchet asked alarmed and trying to grab the mechanical beast.

"Ruby!" Sunstreaker shouted, alarmed that the small cat-bot had escaped Sideswipe and his quarters. The little laptop had been perfectly happy to sulk under their berths, and had never once made any indication she wanted, or intended to do anything more, yet here she was...climbing Proxy... 'She senses Aurian too...'

Proxy; however, thwarted Ratchet's attempts, cradling the small 'bot in her hands. "Ruby?" There was an assenting trill, but the small 'bot did not rest in the hands that held her. She continued to climb up Proxy's torso, to her shoulder, and then latched onto a spot near the back of the femme's head. "What are you doing?" Proxy was alarmed, but trusting, making no move to stop the small 'bot.

Ratchet could only watch with a vague horror as the small feline 'bot transformed, though not into anything he could recognize. It seemed to mold to Proxy's head, to insert itself into the delicate plating around her cranium until the only thing left that could be seen of it was a symmetrical red stripe that ran from Proxy's audios to the crown of her head, and small protrusions standing slightly above and to the side of her audios. His scanners were going haywire trying to figure out just what was going on, but his processor was catching up – the feline 'bot was some kind of symbiote. "What is it doing?"

The femme stood still, her odd optics flashing between silver, blue, and green, until it seemed almost as though they settled and returned to their slow, continual shifting. "Connecting..."

"What?" Ratchet moved closer, his scans showed no harm being done; however, the femme's energy levels were rising.

"'Cade?" Proxy ignored Ratchet all together, moving around him to seek out the mech tucked away in a room not yet told to her. "I...yes, they're okay for now...They're working on it...Don't...no, 'Cade, stop for half a breem, would you?"

Ratchet followed the femme, she seemed to know exactly where she was going and he was fascinated by the one-sided conversation.

"Yes, I know...I know...I...how could you even think that? No, I don't blame you!" Proxy pushed open the appropriate door even as she continued the conversation, walking very easily up to the still form of the Decepticon. "'Cade, please, will you listen to me for just a minute? I need to talk about...you..." She reached out to the still frame, hands so gentle Ratchet could just imagine what kind of sensations they would create. "Yes." She looked so kindly upon the mech, like she knew him well. Like she did not know, or care perhaps, that he was a Decepticon – that his faction was responsible for the destruction of so many femmes, sparklings, younglings – she did not care that he had deceived them when they thought they could trust him.

"Proxy..." Ratchet wasn't sure what he wanted to say, only that his spark was pulsing a double-time rhythm and this femme was the cause of it.

Proxy; however, went very rigid. "But...I thought you said...'Cade! You...yes, but..." the tension left her frame and she sagged over the still mech, grief easily read in all her features. "Yes, I understand." She turned back to Ratchet, but would not meet his optics. "He wants to proceed with the reformatting. He says he does not wish to be Barricade any longer..." Her voice trembled slightly. "He said...that if he survives..." Her voice cut completely and all the femme could do was shake her head as she rushed past the medic.

"Proxy!" He followed her a few steps, until he saw that she had run to the waiting arms of Sideswipe. "I didn't intend for her to see him like this."

"It's okay, Ratch'," Sideswipe held onto the femme firmly, comforting her grief as best he could while offering the medic a somewhat guarded look. "I know what's going on, I'll take care of her, you take care of him. Okay?"

Ratchet could only nod slightly as he watched Sunstreaker join his brother and the strange femme. The three of them looked at each other, and then moved as one to leave the med bay. No words were spoken between them.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

_Journal entry; My name is Proxy_

_ When Ruby joined with me, she became a part of me. All of her data, her memories, everything, infused with my processor and it...opened something. Like a door long sealed finally opening and I knew...I knew so much._

_My name is Proxy. I was never Aurian Fae Towns, but she is me. It's odd, I know, and maybe it doesn't even make sense to anyone but me, but it does make sense to me and I think that's what really counts._

_ Before, I had a hard time coming to terms with the likelihood that the human woman that I randomly had memories of being was, in some way, me. Now, however, it seems so very clear. I am not her, but she is me – I really can't think of any better way to explain it._

_ The thing is...remembering that life as clearly as I can now; I feel a great amount of sorrow. Remembering how personal Roger's death was to her sent a new ache through my spark. Remembering the family and friends Aurian had left behind – that there was no way I would ever see again was pretty painful too...but there were good things. Wonderful things._

_ There was Sideswipe and Sunstreaker..._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	110. Journal Entry 110

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; this is the beginning of my story_

_ As you might have guessed by now, I have fully embraced my connections to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. They needed that connection with my spark to heal the damage done to theirs by Aurian's death, and I needed the connection with their sparks to keep me grounded. I guess, with all this knowledge pumped into my head – and I really don't see how it could have all been Ruby's doing, but what else could it have been – I had a bad habit of being flighty and distracted. Or that's what I was told, at least._

_ Can't honestly say that I saw it, but more than one being on base claimed it to be true – the humans more readily than the 'bots, but I think maybe they just didn't quite get how everything worked. Maybe. That's what I'm going with, anyway. Or, maybe it had something to do with the fact that I discovered Robert Epps sings from time to time when he believes himself alone...and does not appreciate it being broadcasted base-wide for everyone else to hear...but that's only speculation._

_ Ratchet kept a painfully close optic on me. He told me he was concerned about my processing connections? Something like that, I can't really say I paid him much attention. He tended to go on and on in terms I don't understand even a little bit. Did you know there were THOUSANDS of different bits of coding used for communications alone? I didn't. It's amazing...anyway, back to Ratchet. I kept telling him that ever since Ruby joined with me I was thinking more clearly than ever! That I didn't get those painful little glitches when I just wanted to tear out my own processor because I didn't understand what was going on, but apparently that wasn't good enough for him. He wanted to do more in-depth observations. Does that sound like he's going to open up my head to you? Cause that's sure what it sounds like to me. He's pretty insistent on it too, despite the fact I clearly, and loudly, protest. Not only because of the night...recharge...dreams...something, I don't know what they're called, technically, but humans call them nightmares and that seems appropriate, but also because Ruby was pretty sure that Ratchet would separate us and she passionately did not want that to happen. I'm not sure why – she can function just fine on her own, but she just seems so much happier being connected to me like this, and I can't say that I find it unpleasant in the least._

_ So, what was my solution?_

_ ...well..._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Proxy sat precariously perched in one of the taller trees of Diego Garcia. It was a perfect place to watch the base's inhabitants rush by on whatever tasks they were doing, and also a convenient place to hide away when a certain medic was hunting a certain stubborn femme.

::Proxy! I know you can hear me, come out here right now!:: The medic was furious with the femme's actions. She had blatantly ignored him for too long, and then went hiding when she knew he'd had enough. Even more frustrating to him was that he could sense her spark signature – odd as it was it was impossible to mistake as anyone else – but he couldn't pin it down to a single location, on top of the fact that the blasted femme refused to answer him. Even if she was still having problems with internal communications, he knew very well that her vocalizers worked just fine, and that she could certainly use them to answer him now.

'You know he's not going to give up, right?' Sideswipe watched from a distance he deemed 'safe' as the medic continued searching for the missing femme. Even though the silver front-liner couldn't see the small femme from his safety zone, he knew exactly where she was. Their bond was strong, and the femme made no effort to block or disguise it from him.

'Why? I told him I was fine!' Proxy leaned a little to one side so she could see the enraged CMO below her as he made another pass.

'Really? Proxy, use your processor. He's worried about you. And since when has Ratchet ever just given up on anything?'

'Why are _you_ lecturing _me_ on going to see him anyway? It's not like you always show up when he calls.' The femme huffed grouchily.

'That's not the point...'

'It's exactly the point!'

'Why are you acting like a youngling?' Sunstreaker's unappreciative voice broke into their argument. 'Go see the slagging medic so he'll shut up!'

'He wants to mess with my processor...I don't like the idea, and neither does Ruby.'

'Slag it, femme!' Sunstreaker was annoyed, not only because of Proxy's behavior – which was so very much like a youngling recently that he almost believed she _was_ a youngling – but also because Ratchet's foul mood was beginning to affect everyone.

Both of the younger medics were nearly impossible to deal with; who could blame them after dealing with Ratchet's anger on such a regular basis? Optimus was trying to push his current greatly reduced limits to help keep everything under control – which only further miffed the already rampant medics.

Mirage had no shortage of comments on her inappropriate behavior to share with the mechs he viewed as her caretakers...Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, though neither twin had any idea where the spy had come by that conclusion.

Bluestreak often mentioned that he thought the femme was up to no good, and Seaspray was usually all too happy to agree; usually with more evidence of her 'trouble-making' to fuel the fire.

Skids and Mudflap were about the only ones that could outdo Proxy on the level of unappreciated activities.

About the only mechs on the entire base who hadn't come to their wits end with the femme were Beachcomber – who could often find her and hold a decent conversation about things that had nothing to do with anything important, and would rarely do so at a convenient time for anyone else – and Jazz, who seemed to have an endless amount of patience to deal with her.

Even Sideswipe, who had shown an extensive compassion for the odd little femme, was growing weary of the constant hounding placed on him because of her.

::Proxy!:: The medic currently searching her out roared again. ::I swear when I find you I'm going to lock you in the med bay until I'm done with you!::

'And you wonder why I won't go...' she commented flatly over her bonds. 'I'm not going to spend the rest of my life in the med bay.'

'It's an idle threat and you know it,' Sideswipe assured her.

Proxy slid from her hiding place once the medic had passed by. 'I'm having a hard time believing that.' She turned to head for another place she knew the CMO wouldn't likely look for her, when she found herself caught in rather a firm grip. "Let me go!" She demanded even as she looked up to see who dared.

::Ratch', Ah got yer missin' patient,:: Jazz announced over the general com., giving Proxy a half-amused smile. "Ya can't run all orn femme, ya gotta see th' Doc. It's fer yer own good."

"NO!" She fought the hold on her, but was unable to break free. "I don't want to go!"

"Ah'm afraid ya don't have uh choice, lil'lady." Instead of trusting the femme to calm down and do as she was told – as past events had proven she was untrustworthy of doing – he turned her in the direction they needed to go and kept a firm hold on her upper arms. "Ya've really pushed too many buttons ta let ya keep runnin 'round like this."

"I didn't push any buttons," she moped childishly. "Jazz, I really don't want to go. Please don't make me." She didn't continue to fight the saboteur, partially because she knew she would never win against him, but also that for some reason she felt compelled to do what he wanted. Like, deep in her spark, she knew he was doing what was best for her, even if she didn't like it.

"Femme," the saboteur vented, turning her to look him in the optics – an easy feat considering she was only a little shorter than himself. "Ya know we all want what's best fer ya, right?"

"But..."

"An that we all worry 'bout ya cause yer odd circumstances, right?"

"I know, but..."

"An ya know that Ratch's the best medic this side o' th' mega-verse, right?"

"Still..."

"An that ya gotta be in top shape if ya wanna help care fer the sparklin's, right?"

Proxy's arguments died in her vocalizer at that point. If there was one thing that could always break through her stubbornness, it was those few precious sparks that Barricade, 'No, not 'Cade anymore...', had risked his very life to bring to them.

"Ya gotta see th' Doc." A pathetic whine escaped her at that point, causing Jazz's semi-serious expression to soften to something far more sympathetic. "Yer scared?"

She nodded and turned her optics to the ground beneath them. "I...have these dreams. Maybe they're visions, nightmares, corrupted files...I don't really know what to call them...but they happen sometimes when I go into recharge. I see...needles, knives, tubes...all this medical stuff, and the only thing I can think about is how scared I am and how much it hurts. Most of the time I can't see who it is, but sometimes I see Scalpel and he's always so happy with whatever he's doing to me...and sometimes...it's...I mean, I _know_ better...but still, he's there just as clear as ever with that angry-serious look on his face and I'm always _so_ scared! I just can't do it!"

Jazz pulled the trembling femme towards him, drawing her into a firm hug. He had suspected there would be backlash from the memories, but he had never imagined it would have quite this strong of an affect on her. "Ah'm sorry," he offered quietly. "Listen, Proxy...Ah know about everythin' that's happened ta ya. Ah know that Aurian is in there somewhere, an' ya have ta have all o' her memories. She went through some pretty bad slag, but Ratch' was always there fer her, just like he is fer ya."

Proxy tensed at the mention of Aurian, but eased as Jazz spoke. He had known, but he had not treated her like she was the human, aside from maybe his friendliness and patience, but he seemed to have that with everyone anyway. How long had he known?

"What if something goes wrong? What if...what if I forget everything again? What if...I don't want to lose anything else, Jazz!"

Ratchet had come upon the scene, a grim expression on his face and some rather volatile words prepared to be thrown in the femme's direction, but a glance at Jazz's face alerted him that there might be some trouble to be had. So, instead of the storm he wanted to raise, he approached quietly, listening to the conversation going on between the two.

"Ya won't lose anythin' else, Proxy. Ratch' won't do anythin' that could make ya lose yer memories. He's good like that, remember? Ah know ya have some good files on how good he is, don't 'cha? Ya know there's nothin' ta fear."

"There's always a chance..."

"Not with Ratch'."

Ratchet nearly recoiled at the revelation that Proxy was afraid. It had never once crossed his processor to think that the femme – who had allowed him to conduct the procedure of transferring her spark into a new shell – would have any fears concerning something as simple as a processor exam.

"Proxy," Ratchet decided it wasn't right for him to stand there listening to the femme's fears without her knowledge, "I'm sorry; I didn't realize you had any misgivings about this."

Proxy nearly knocked Jazz over with her surprise at the CMO's voice as she scrambled to get behind the saboteur. "I'm not going!" She shrieked before she could think of anything else.

Both mechs had to take a moment to clear their audios before they could respond to Proxy's actions.

Jazz laughed somewhat dazedly. "Sonic weapon?" He joked.

"Might as well be," Ratchet agreed before shifting his attention back to the reason he was out here in the first place. "Proxy, please, stop hiding and talk to me. If you were afraid, you should have told me instead of ignoring and avoiding me."

"Would it have stopped you from wanting to poke around in my head?" She asked nervously, but did come from behind Jazz to look the medic in the optics.

"I don't want to 'poke around in your head'; I simply need to look to make sure all the connections were properly made; especially since you now have a symbiote. It is as much for her good as it is for yours." While Ratchet had been overwhelmingly surprised to learn of Ruby and her history, he was even more astounded that something created completely independently of a host could become a symbiote with no aid from medical procedure, or conditioning of either host or symbiote. He worried that their programming – with such different base creations – might conflict, causing severe clashes of their combined programs, or negatively affect one or the other of the pair.

"Ruby doesn't want to go through this either. She's afraid you'll separate us."

"I have no intentions of doing any such thing. You are both obviously agreeable to this host-symbiotic relationship, and that is something no medic would ever want to come between without viable cause."

"Like what?" There was still a healthy amount of trepidation in the femme's voice, but she sounded less afraid and more curious now.

"If the connection is harmful to either of you, I would have to recommend separation until the conflicts could be resolved, but it would be temporary, I assure you. I have no reason to want the two of you to be separated permanently for any reason. Host-symbiotic relationships are rare at best, and can be very beneficial for both individuals, as well as..." the medic cut himself off at Jazz's slightly alarmed look and faint twitch of his head indicating that perhaps now was not a good time to bring up military benefits. "In your case," he resumed after only a pulse of pause, "it is apparent that Ruby's presence has helped to stabilize you. That is not something I can challenge with a clear processor."

"See," Jazz offered enthusiastically, "nothin' ta worry 'bout."

She looked at the silver mech doubtfully, but gave a slight nod of her head. "I...still don't want to...but Ruby believes you, and I know you only want the best for us...so, I guess..."

Ratchet stood to the side and waved back toward the base, indicating that Proxy should walk ahead of him. Jazz, seeing that the femme was still hesitating, slung his arm across her shoulders comfortably and pulled her along beside him.

'We're here for you,' Sideswipe whispered across their bond as he watched the trio return to the base proper. 'We'll be with you the whole time.'

'Like you're here for me now?' She griped back, though the harshness hardly passed through her words. There was far more appreciation that flowed through the bond than anything hostile, though she did silently promise to vandalize both of their frames while they were in recharge.

'We are always here for you,' Sunstreaker assured her. His tone, too, was all that carried any kind of unpleasantness; he offered a lot of confidence and support through their bond, assuring that if anything went wrong, he would personally make sure the CMO paid dearly for it.

The trio reached the med bay in silence, Sideswipe following shortly behind, and then, a few kliks behind him, came Sunstreaker.

Ratchet spared the twins a suspicious look. They did not appear damaged, and they were not complaining of anything, so why were they here? When they both captured Proxy's optics and offered some gesture of confidence, he knew something very intriguing was happening. Hadn't he seen something similar not too long ago?

"Hey," Proxy announced rather suddenly, "how's 'Cade doing?"

There was more than one heavy vent to be heard at the question. All three medics had been working very hard with the mech's reformatting, trying to accomplish it as quickly as they dared.

"It is touch and go at best, I'm afraid," First Aid answered from the other side of the med bay. He was currently studying something on one of the larger screens, and didn't look too thrilled by it, or perhaps by what it indicated. Proxy wasn't sure which since she couldn't understand what was printed all over the screen. "It will still be an orn at least before we can even begin to initiate anything serious."

"Barricade has some particular needs due to some complications in his spark," Ratchet expanded.

"The Insularity?" Proxy asked somewhat absently as she attempted to make heads or tails of the script First Aid was studying.

Ratchet, for his part, was rather proud that he didn't all out glitch with his surprise – though he supposed he had enough practice with this exact type of surprise from the human that had turned their lives upside down. "Yes," he agreed, his awe clear in his voice.

"How will all of this affect his sparkmate?"

"She will sense the change, but otherwise it should not affect her much at all," First Aid answered when Ratchet's silence carried on a little too long. "It's the sparklings that I worry about. They'll feel the shock of the reformat much more than his femme will."

"Oh," Proxy lowered her gaze from the screen to somewhere near her feet. "You don't have to worry about that, they're offline..." she didn't wait for anyone to ask anything else about the fate of Barricade's offspring. She simply turned for the door out of the med bay and made an honest effort to slip past everyone reaching out to stop her.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sunstreaker scolded softly.

"I don't want to be here," she whimpered. "There's just too much to take; I don't want to be here!"

"Proxy," Ratchet offered quietly, "come into one of the rooms, and take a few breems to calm down. There is no sense in putting this off for any longer than we already have, and it won't take too long."

She shook her head, but made no further effort to retreat.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker both came to stand on either side of the femme, bowing their heads with hers, as they seemed to hold a silent conversation – though not a 'bot in the room could pick up a decibel of sound between them.

What was really transpiring was nearly as quiet. Sunstreaker was seeking out her discomfort, and Sideswipe was assuring her that there was nothing to worry about; everything was as under control as it could be. Proxy was returning their gestures with images of Barricade's pained face when he had spoken to Aurian about his sparklings, she shared the hurt and sorrow that Aurian had felt – that she felt – for what had happened, and how much greater it was now that she knew he was being reformatted.

It was a pure chaos of emotions shared over only a few brief kliks before Proxy was bolstered enough to turn back to the medic waiting for her.

"You're right, Ratchet," she said bravely, though there were still minor tremors shivering through her frame. "C-can you just make it quick?"

"You will have no recollection of the passing of time during the exam. I will put you in a medical stasis to prevent any accidents."

"O-oh," she stammered, leaning back against Sunstreaker who was as good a blockade as any wall might have been, "that doesn't make me feel better..."

Ratchet vented with annoyed frustration, though it was not directed at the femme; more it was at himself for not thinking about how what he said may unnerve the already nervous femme. "It is just a deep recharge, that is all."

She offered a tense smile, but moved forward to allow Ratchet to do as he needed. "Not much better...just so you know," she laughed anxiously.

Deciding that attempting to explain it any better probably wasn't going to improve the situation, Ratchet simply showed Proxy to the berth he wanted her to lie on. He noted as Jazz stopped Sideswipe and Sunstreaker from following, and the dark look both mechs gave the smaller saboteur for his efforts, but that was something for another time.

He took the femme to one of the rooms he had for recovery patients, and had her lay down on a berth there hoping that the privacy might help ease her fears somewhat. "I am going to initiate your recharge sequence manually – it will happen quickly. Do you have any more questions before we start?"

"What about Ruby?"

"Her direct connection to your processor should initiate her recharge sequence as well, just the same as it should be doing during your normal recharge times."

"Oh," Proxy could feel the nervousness of the small red cat-bot fluttering in her head, but Ruby's overall confidence was far stronger than her own. "Okay."

"Anything else?"

Proxy shook her head, and before she realized that the CMO was doing anything, darkness overtook her.

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

_Journal entry _continued_; dreaming_

_ I've had some time to research human 'dreams', on top of what I already seemed to inherently know about them from Aurian's memories and Ruby's files, and I found the idea of them to be rather nice. My dreams, however, were rarely nice._

_ It seems that during periods of recharge was when my processor chose to shuffle through all of the worst memories that were stored there and they always got played back for me in a jumbled, terrifying mess of absurd images twisted out of context and made me wish that I couldn't dream at all._

_ This time though, it was different._

_ When the sequence had finished and I was fully under Ratchet's 'medical stasis', I found myself standing over a large open lot filled with glittering vehicles as far as I could see. It was such a familiar place to my processor, to my spark, that I didn't even think twice about it while I was there. I just...joined them. Each vehicle had a soft, silent voice that continually whispered to my processor, to Ruby, and when I approached it, I could hear the voice clearly. I still didn't always understand what they were saying, but Ruby was quick at translating and I quickly found many voices wanting to talk to us. They were searching for someone, responding to a call they had heard in some form or another._

_ 'We're on Earth,' I remembered informing them, 'Optimus Prime is here, waiting for you all.'_

_ There were two very distinct voices that jumped at us after that, one was overjoyed and hopeful, making promises that she was on her way as quickly as she could deem it safe to be; and another that was demanding to know who of the Prime's team had arrived with him._

_ 'Current known Earth residences are...' something stopped me at that very moment. I was talking to so many different voices, different 'bots I realized, but I had no way of knowing who was friend or foe. 'Confidential. I am sorry, but if you wish to know specifics you will have to contact through an individual private line that can be verified.'_

_ The voice that had demanded answers was instantly angry, but did not press further. It wasn't too long before Ruby alerted me to the fact that the inquiring 'bot was too far to actually acquire a private line on their end, but that there was an option to reach out to them instead...it would just take some work...hard work._

_ 'I'll do it,' I told Ruby. After all, I got the feeling that being able to contact individuals would eventually be very essential to my role as an Autobot._

_ Hmm...I'm an Autobot. I'll have to make sure everyone else knows that._

_ Ruby was already helping me construct blueprints for ideas that we would implement as soon as Ratchet released us from this stasis – which, by the way, not as scary as I thought it would be. Wonder if I could get him to do this for me every recharge cycle? Good-bye nightmares._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	111. Journal Entry 111

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; quick starts_

_ It's funny how when you have – apparently days...I'm going to have to talk to Ratchet about this not sensing passage of time thing. Did that really mean he didn't have to tell me I'd be out of it for several Earth days? It was nearly an orn! But anyway, when you have days to think plans through, it's funny how you really don't want to take advantage of the supposed 'recovery time'...it's also interesting how out of sorts a medic can get when you jump off the berth the second you have control of your limbs and start talking about the supplies you're going to need to gather. Apparently, that wasn't a normal response for coming out of medical stasis. Huh, who knew?_

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What did you do?" Sunstreaker was pissed: astonished, but pissed.

"Nothing! She should still be groggy from coming out of stasis! I don't understand!" Ratchet stood beside the golden front-liner watching his escaped patient with fear and amazement. He simply could not put his processor in gear.

"Um...more important at this point," Sideswipe added from beside his twin, "What is she doing?"

"I have no clue. She just blurted out something about finally being able to get to work before she took off. I had no reason to even suspect she might do anything...it's not like 'bots come out of stasis ready to climb an air traffic tower!"

"Obviously, they can!" Sideswipe pointed to where Proxy leaned precariously over one ledge while she worked.

"Why're we all standin' around watchin' her?" Jazz commented somewhat amused. "Shouldn't we, ya know...stop her?" He had only happened on the scene by chance, and when he looked up to see what the others were gawking at he had found Proxy making quick work of the equipment the twins had previously used to create the Dirge Wave.

"Is it just me," Mirage joined the group with a half intrigued, half-disapproving look, "or does she appear to be moving a little faster than is safe considering her height?"

"Yeah," Jazz agreed. The femme sure seemed to be confident in all of her too-fast actions, as if she already knew every little panel of the tower and exactly where everything was and where it was going. "Kinda reminds meh o' Blurr."

"Are you sure..."

"Yes!" Ratchet cut off Sunstreaker before he could make any other accusations. "The procedure went exactly to protocol! There is _no_ excuse for this that I can think of!" No matter how many times he reviewed every step of the femme's processor exam; he came up with a blank as to what may have caused this hyperactivity. Yes, he had found a strange inconsistency in the union between her processor and Ruby's, but it was nothing to be concerned about and certainly wasn't a cause for this.

'Proxy!' Sideswipe had continually called out to the femme since the moment he had seen her racing across the tarmac, but she still had yet to openly respond to him. He kept getting gentle acknowledgments, but nothing active. She wasn't ignoring him, exactly, just extremely focused on whatever it was she was doing. 'Proxy, you're going to fall!'

'You sound like an overprotective femme creator,' Sunstreaker teased, though he was already moving as if he intended to catch the femme should she lose her seemingly nonexistent grip.

True to her nature, Proxy paid them no mind and quickly finished her task and moved onto the next, which happened to have all the 'bots collecting around the scene shifting to the other side of the tower just to keep an optic on her.

It didn't take long before the humans were joining the gathering, frustrated comments about how the air traffic tower was not for the 'bots personal use – whatever they were doing with it – coming from many of them.

"What, exactly, _is_ she doing with it?" Will asked as he came to stand beside Ratchet. He was a little more accepting of this strange femme – she seemed nice enough, just a little eccentric at times – but she was definitely pushing his limits now. It had taken him forever, and the distraction of several emergencies, to get the higher-ups off his back about what Sideswipe had done to the tower in the first place.

"It kinda looks like a radio tower on crack," Rob said as he tipped his head slightly to get a better look at the quickly changing tower. "Why would she be building a radio tower? Don't you guys all have that internal communication system?"

"Yes," Ratchet confirmed.

"And you have that Teletran thing A..." he paused, remembering how out of it the twin front-liners had been over Aurian's death.

"Yeah, but long distance communication is limited with it," Jazz explained. "We can only reach out so far before th' integrity o' th' transmission is lost."

Rob had a point though, all of the 'bots realized. The more the femme worked, the more the tower looked like a communication tower.

'Femme, are you trying to call someone?' Sunstreaker remembered having asked that once before, back when Proxy had first reached out to him across their bond with more than just simple feelings. She had been calling...well, he didn't know who, but he had to think that from what she said, she was calling other parts of her spark to her – whatever that meant.

'Yes,' she responded shortly as she dropped several feet down the side of the tower before finding some purchase and hanging by the most miniscule tips of her free hand and toes while she worked quickly with the other.

"What?" Sideswipe asked aloud, shocked, "Who?"

Mirage found the randomness of Sideswipe's comment to be a little out of place, but supposed it could have been that he was holding a conversation with his twin. "Who what?"

"Nothing," they both snapped at the same time, confirming to anyone who didn't know better that there was an internal conversation going on between them.

"Catch!" Proxy called a split-moment before tossing a large cable down to the crowd below. Several 'bots moved to catch the potentially dangerous conductor before it could harm any of the humans standing around them.

"Proxy, be careful!" Ratchet scolded, and then quickly found he wanted to expand on exactly what 'be careful' meant as the femme released her hold on the tower and allowed herself to drop.

Everyone scrambled this time – mechs attempting to catch the free-falling femme, and humans to get out of the way – but shortly before she would have hit the ground Proxy reached out and was received by Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, one hand on each of their arms, and was off again before either could grab hold of her. She snatched the cable from Jazz, who had been the one to end up with the cord, and headed for the Autobot end of the base at an easy trot.

"Where is she going?" Will asked as he tried to keep pace with the mechs pursuing the femme.

Jazz, feeling it was somewhat rude to outpace the major while trying to hold a conversation, paused long enough to gather the man, and Rob as well, before resuming the chase. "If anyone but Proxy knows..." he paused to give a meaningful look to the confused twins pacing the femme, "it's those two, but Ah think they're just as lost as th' rest 'o us."

"I thought Ratchet had her in some kind of stasis," Rob questioned as he kept track of things going on around them. If he didn't know better, he would think that the femme was having all too much fun with all of this. "What is she doing up and running like a lunatic?"

"That is exactly what I would like to know," Mirage stated. He was debating about using his unique talents to stop the femme, or to allow her to continue with whatever task she was doing. It seemed the others were all too willing to let her keep up this ridiculous activity, so who was he to bother trying to rein her in? Then again, what if someone was harmed? She was obviously careless as well as reckless. Why didn't the front-liners take control of her? They were right there, and it wasn't like they couldn't overpower the smaller femme.

Faster than anyone could rightfully claim to have kept track of, Proxy tossed the remaining cable to the roof of the Autobot wing of the base – with Ruby on the end of it; when they had separated _no one_ knew – and darted inside before the cat-bot had even landed.

"Did a piece of her _head_ just come off?" Will asked in disbelief.

Jazz laughed at the image that painted in his processor. "Not exactly. Ruby's uh symbiote."

Rob's eyebrows shot up in alarm. "Like Frenzy?"

"Nah," the saboteur shook his head at the comparison. "Well, yeah, but no...it's uh lil' more complicated than that. Yeah, Frenzy was uh symbiotic partner, but it's different than how Ruby is symbiotic ta Proxy...ya'll have ta ask Ratch' ta explain it ta ya."

Both men shook their heads.

"No," Will sighed, "I think your explanation will due."

"Yeah, I can only imagine that it will sound far more confusing coming from Ratchet," Rob agreed. "Anything you guys ever say is 'complicated' always ends up making my head hurt for months trying to figure out."

Everything stopped when they found themselves in the med bay with Proxy waiting patiently for...nothing, it seemed. She just stood there waiting.

"Proxy?" Ratchet was the first one to brave passing the twins to approach the femme. "What is going on here? Are you glitching?"

"No, thank you," she stated rather sternly, though she still didn't look at the medic.

Ratchet was worried that with the two femmes being separated, Proxy may start suffering her former glitches in memory. She was certainly exhibiting some of the previous symptoms. "Will you talk to me, so we all know you are all right?"

"Talk to them," she pointed vaguely at Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, "I'm busy."

Everyone looked to the front-liners with varying looks of confusion and disbelief.

"What does she mean?" Ratchet asked, a darkness to his tone that no one wanted to challenge by adding their own questions.

The twins looked nervously from Proxy, to the medic, to each other. What did they do? Tell Ratchet that they had a bond with the femme? What would that lead to? A lecture on bonding with a femme that wasn't stable was likely to be one of the more likely endings. The other was that they would have to reveal that Proxy was essentially Aurian's reincarnation – which the femme had made them both promise not to do. Yet, she was the one to bring this situation about, so did that mean that she wanted them to tell Ratchet? Or that she was just too distracted to really think about what she was saying?

"Well?" Ratchet pushed.

"Uh..." Sideswipe stammered shifting on his feet slightly as if judging the likeliness of his escape before the CMO could act against him.

Sunstreaker just settled for glaring back at the medic; probably not the best choice, but it was one he was comfortable with.

"What did you two do?" The accusations weren't exactly spoken, but they were as clear as the sun on a cloudless day to anyone who understood what _might_ have occurred.

"We didn't do anything to her," Sideswipe defended annoyed.

"Then what do you know about all of this?"

"Nothing," Sunstreaker answered, still holding the CMO's glare.

"You're the one who should know what's going on," Sideswipe accused. "Didn't you just examine her processor?"

Ratchet was about to lecture the silver mech on how changing the subject wasn't going to help them in the least bit, when a loud scraping noise brought everyone's attention back to Proxy.

The femme had used several large items to build a rather unstable looking tower up to the ceiling, where she was moving panels aside.

By now, both Jolt and First Aid had joined in the growing crowed of onlookers, and both attempted to ask what was going on, but quickly decided better when they saw the number of dark glares being traded.

It wasn't long before Ruby dropped through the hole Proxy had created, and was reforming to the back of the femme's head once more. Proxy scrambled down the awkward tower with the end of the cable she had sent Ruby away with clutched in one hand.

"Almost done!" She happily announced for everyone.

"With what?" Jolt dared.

Proxy paused in her work for almost a full klik to spare the mech a rather bold smile. "You'll see in a minute!" She approached Teletran Unknown and started pulling panels off it.

Most of the mech's cringed, knowing that if she broke the machine it would be some time before anyone could get it repaired. Wheeljack might have been on base, and one of few mechs still functional that knew how to build a Teletran, but that didn't mean that he had the time to do it. Not to mention that the machine wasn't quite 'standard'.

Barely a breem later, the femme had finished her task – not that anyone knew what it was still – and had put the machine back together.

"Ready?" She asked generally before punching some keys.

Teletran made an alarming sound, causing the humans to cover their ears to protect them from the harsh sound, and the 'bots to dampen their audios to prevent any permanent damage. Then all was quiet.

"What was that?"

Proxy made an amused huffing sound as she continued typing on the machine. "Universal dial tone..." She stopped typing and started searching the large screen for something. "Where, oh where are you, lady?"

Ratchet came to stand beside Proxy, searching the screen with her. "Who?"

With a soft squeak of joy, Proxy pointed to a faded dot barely registering on the corner of the screen. "Her! I knew it was her," if it was at all possible, her smile grew larger. "Okay, Ruby. Let's get to work." The femme grew very still, and made no further sound.

Everyone waited expectantly to hear any further explanation of what was happening, only to find the silence continued.

"So..." Will asked, looking from one 'bot to the next, hoping one of them at least had an idea.

"Tell me all that excitement was for this?" Rob agreed, gesturing to where the femme stood motionless.

"Individual private line established," Proxy announced in a very monotone voice. "Report to be transferred – attention to; Optimus Prime. Status?"

No one said anything, and the silence resumed.

"Attention to; Optimus Prime. Status?" She repeated.

Jazz, seeing that no one else was going to, took the initiative and moved beside Proxy. "State yer designation an' personal com. code."

"Who the frag are you?" The monotone was completely gone, but the voice now transmitting through Proxy – because it couldn't _be _Proxy's voice – was almost completely unmistakable.

"This is Jazz...Chromia?"

_.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~._

Proxy spent a large amount of time in front of Teletran Unknown after that day. Constant requests to find other Autobots that had been previously unreachable kept her all but welded to the machine. She never once turned down any request, often forgetting to do other things in favor of trying to find the missing 'bots.

It didn't take longer than an orn before Ratchet set a very strict schedule for the femme, and First Aid was all too consenting to enforce the routine. None of them wanted to add another patient to their list of 'invalids'.

Optimus and Ironhide were quickly growing too weak to safely harbor the sparklings, and were forced to spend more time in recharge than out. Though Ironhide seemed far more bolstered by the fact Chromia – _his_ Chromia – had been contacted, he was still far from fully functional.

Wheeljack kept promising that progress on the support system was coming along beautifully, but unfortunately slow, due to their lack of available energon on the planet. He was sure that he could complete the needed system before Optimus and Ironhide's limits were breached, but every cycle seemed to push that line a little further.

Barricade's reformat was coming along at an agonizingly slow pace. The spare parts that had been gathered from the battle in Egypt had been brought to good use in his reformatting – replacing parts that either wouldn't function under the new programming, or that simply didn't work at all anymore, and adding much needed parts to reinforce other parts that would have to support more function under the new programming.

"He'll look like a different 'bot," Ratchet had commented at one point.

"Better different and online, than the same and deactivated," Jolt pointed out.

Still, there would be several orns before they knew for sure if the mech would pull through and be able to function properly, or if the damage was too severe to allow him a normal life at all. There was always the chance that he would end up little better than a simple drone – though everyone had to reevaluate their thoughts on 'simple drones' since Proxy came about.

The question often arose; how many other drones were more than just drones?

First Aid was thinking just that as he returned to the med bay to start his next shift. How many maybe-'bot had he passed by assuming they were nothing more than drones? What had happened to them? Had their sparks escaped due to improper casing? It horrified him to think of it.

When he entered the med bay, he first looked for Proxy, knowing that the femme would have to be dragged from Teletran Unknown for energon and recharge. What he saw was the two front-liners already in the process of dividing her very focused attention; Sunstreaker holding a cube of energon, and Sideswipe supporting her sagging frame while she futilely attempted to tell them she just wanted a few more minutes.

"No," Sunstreaker stated flatly, "you're long past time for recharge, and you need some energon. Here," he pushed the cube into her hand, but did not let go until he was sure she had a firm grip on it.

"But I'm so close..."

"You're always so close," Sideswipe interrupted, pulling her from her stool and onto her feet. "You'll be just as close when you come back. I'm sure whoever's out there won't know the difference between a few breems and a joor or two."

"_I'll_ know," she protested, though weakly.

The three fell silent; at least to the audios they did. First Aid kept watching, as it seemed a silent argument broke out between _all three_ of the 'bots. Proxy's energetic – though currently much less energetic than usual – motions clearly indicating her involvement.

It didn't take too long before she stood away from Sideswipe's support, a somewhat alarmed look on her face.

"You wouldn't!"

"Try me," Sunstreaker responded.

With a huff, the femme swallowed the energon she had been given – not the way First Aid would have liked to see the substance consumed, it was not the highly refined energon of Cybertron, and it was harsh on the systems to take it all in so quickly, but he wasn't about to say anything – and stormed out of the med bay, a dark look on her face.

After she was gone, First Aid turned to the twins; both with a look of smug success plastered across their own faces. "What was all that about?"

"Just taking our turn," Sideswipe shrugged easily as he moved to leave the med bay.

"Femme's stubborn," Sunstreaker added, following his brother.

"That's not what I was talking about. Proxy still doesn't use her internal communications, last I knew..." the medic left the accusation open, hoping that one of the twins would see fit to answer the unasked question.

They both stopped at the door, looked at each other, then to the medic, before Sunstreaker simply walked away.

Sideswipe shrugged again. "Guess you were wrong," he said in a way that left First Aid thinking that there was another answer, then followed his brother.

Jolt came to stand beside First Aid. "You noticed too, huh?"

"Noticed what?"

"Their odd attachment to that strange femme."

"She's not all that strange..." First Aid intended to defend Proxy, explaining that she was a normal femme with an unusual background, but he had to concede; the femme was strange.

"I'm beginning to think they have more than just a passing interest in her."

"Poor femme."

Jolt laughed. For the twins to take more than a passing interest in anyone was usually not a good thing. "I mean they seem to have a really close connection to her."

"Poor femme," First aid reiterated. The image of Sunstreaker slumped over the recharging femme back on the science ship came forcefully back to the forefront of his thoughts, quickly followed by the way that, after Sideswipe's breakdown, Proxy had been the one to take him in and he had completely change afterwards. "You think they've bonded?"

"I don't know about that, but maybe there's an interest in it."

"Hmm," First Aid started moving about the med bay, thinking as he did his routine tasks. "They seem to be really aware of each other. Anytime the femme acts out in any way, one or the other if not both of them tends to be around, or shows up shortly after. Wouldn't that indicate some kind of connection was already established?"

"I..." Jolt had to consider all of his experience, which he knew to be far less than what First Aid had under his plating. The white medic may at times seem quite young, but he was a well-practiced medic while Jolt was still in training. As far as Jolt knew, those kinds of connections didn't happen passively. "Could they have?"

"It is possible, though I'd want to know why they would have jumped so quickly into it. Doesn't seem to be the twin's style, and the femme is far too flighty for me to believe she would have consented to such a commitment."

"Not to mention it's near impossible to figure out which one she would have bonded with."

"Exactly," First Aid agreed. "Not that I have much experience with samespark twins and bondmates...actually, I don't think anyone really has experience with that."

Both younger medics studied each other, considering this new development.

::Ratchet,:: Jolt finally decided that they needed a more experienced medic in this conversation. ::What are the chances of samespark twins bonding with a single femme?::

There was silence for several kliks, then, ::WHAT?::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; reliable_

_ Okay, I admit that when I really got into searching for other 'bots with Teletran, I could get consumed, but I never really thought it was all that big an issue. Apparently, it was. I mean, Sunstreaker threatened to disable the thing in the most violent way he knew how, if I refused to listen and go recharge. I really didn't appreciate his method, but once I was away from the machine and storming down the halls I realized just how exhausted I was. I didn't even make it halfway down the medical wing before I was unstable on my feet and looking for something to catch my fall._

_ Sideswipe and Sunstreaker came out of nowhere, seemingly. I really did appreciate them; they were one thing I always knew I could rely on, even if they frustrated the Pit out of me sometimes._

_I guess they decided that my quarters were too far away, or something – can't really understand that theory since my room was one of the closest to the medical wing, probably Ratchet's doing – but they took me to their quarters instead._

_ It was the first time I had actually been there. I had memories of Aurian being in their room quite often, but _I_ had never ventured as far. I'm really glad though – Sunstreaker's art was one thing in memory, and an entirely different in person._

_ It was also nice to recharge lying against Sideswipe's chest plates. Aurian had memories of that too...but this was so very different._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	112. Journal Entry 112

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; regarding actions, words and the respective volumes of each..._

_ Apparently, recharging in a mech's room, with the mech also recharging in the room with you, indicates some form of deeper relationship than just friends._

_ Sunstreaker had duties that day, so after he was sure that I was fully intent on recharging, he had gone about his business, but Sideswipe was still on 'light duties' according to Ratchet, so found he had a few extra joors to spare and kept me company. I didn't think of it as anything more than a comfortable arrangement – not to mention a blessed release from the 'nightmares' that tended to plague my processor. Something about Sideswipe's presence kept them from me._

_ Anyway, I came online well before my recharge cycle was over because of a rather loud, livid, medic roaring something about time and inappropriate actions at Sideswipe; who I might mention was just as confused as I was._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ratchet, I can't even understand half of what you're saying..." Sideswipe stammered slightly as the medic's glare only intensified. The mech stood half in, half out of his quarters with no hope of escape, and whatever Ratchet was so off the wall about, he seemed to think Sideswipe should have known about it.

"You have a bond with Proxy," Ratchet finally stated in the simplest terms he could think of at the moment.

Sideswipe looked trapped. Proxy had made them promise not to tell anyone about their bond, fearing that they may connect her with Aurian, and she had rather clear and reasonable points as to why she didn't want others to know. Most of all being that she did not want them treating her like her human predecessor. She was _not_ Aurian, and though she had nothing against the human, she wanted to be herself and not have to live in someone else's shadow.

'What do you want me to do?' he asked desperately of the groggy femme behind him. Proxy's recharge had been disturbed, and he could feel her systems sluggishly trying to come around to the situation at hand. He was definitely going to have to work with her on her response time...

"I don't know," she responded before she realized that Sideswipe had addressed her over their bond.

"You're awake now, right?" Sideswipe asked, hoping that might throw Ratchet off the scent. It was a feeble and ultimately futile attempt, but he tried anyway.

"No," she groaned flopping back onto the berth she had nearly been tossed from in Sideswipe's hurry to get up. "What's he griping about now?"

Ratchet decided he was tired of glaring the immobile front-liner into submission and pushed past him to reach the small femme. "Proxy, you have a bond with Sideswipe, don't you." It was no question, because there was no question in Ratchet's processor that it was indeed the case. "Why didn't you tell someone?"

"Why are you going haywire over it?" She asked, not bothering to look at the medic.

"You are in no condition to be bonding to anyone," the CMO felt his temper rising, but fought to keep it under control. For all he knew, Proxy had no idea what she had actually done – she did tend to be so very naive in some things.

"I didn't 'bond' with anyone, Ratchet." She vented heavily before sitting up so she could see the mech's optics. "I onlined with them already there."

Several questions leaped to the medic's processor, practically stalling any progress at all. Fortunately, his vorns of practice under alarming situations allowed him to ask some very basic questions. "Them? You're bonded to both?"

"I have a bond with each of them, yes."

"And you don't remember developing these bonds?"

That was a tricky one for Proxy. She had Aurian's memories, and the human had developed a sense of time around when the bonds had become active, but she did not _specifically_ remember when the bonds had been created. Technically, Proxy had the memories... "No."

"When did you become aware of them?"

Somehow, she didn't think the explanation of 'before I was alive' would work – and she hadn't really been immediately conscious of them when she had become aware anyway. "After First Aid secured my spark, before we got to Earth." She did her best to ignore the dark look on Sideswipe's face. She hadn't told him just how long she had known his bond was there; only that she had known but had been unsure about acknowledging it. 'I told you why I was afraid to tell you, Sides...don't be mad with me.'

'I'm not mad at you,' he snarled.

'Don't be mad at Sunstreaker, either. I begged him not to tell you.'

Sideswipe's anger simmered for a little while before he stamped it down and left the room.

Ratchet noted the mech's departure, but chose to question him later. Proxy was his main focus at the moment. "Both bonds were active at that time?"

"Well, I acknowledged Sunstreaker...but only because I was scared and looking for something to hold onto. I didn't acknowledge Sideswipe until after he confronted me."

"His breakdown?"

"Yeah, he was..." Proxy bit back her words, realizing what she was going to say, but it was too late.

"He was looking for Aurian. He had insisted that she was still on the base..." realization was encompassing Ratchet like a too hot downdraft. "He followed her bond to you. You're Aurian?"

"No! I'm Proxy!" By the look in the medic's optics, Proxy knew that the damage had been done. He now associated her with being Aurian. "I was never Aurian...but she is me...in a way. My bond with the twins is there because _she_ had a bond with them. But I'm not her!" She insisted one last time before letting her own gaze drop to the floor. "I never will _be_ her, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't act like I will."

"Why didn't you tell us?" So many connections were being made now as Ratchet thought back on Proxy's relatively short stay on the base. Why hadn't he realized that his observations of similarities were in fact connections? 'Because it does not happen, that's why,' he told himself silently. He had never heard of such an incarnation as something without a spark coming back as a Cybertronian – let alone one that wasn't just resparked as a sparkling and having to grow normally as any other 'bot would have to. Sure, it was believed that each new Prime was nothing more than an old Prime resparked – but even they had to grow into their roles.

Proxy raised her optics to study the medic once more. "What would you have done? Welcomed your lost human back with open arms?"

Ratchet didn't answer, but he didn't have to. The answer was clear on his face.

"Exactly. You all miss her so much, you would have been all too eager to just ignore the fact that I am my own 'bot, and not her. I would have forever been 'Aurian's reincarnation' and not Proxy. Even now, you're thinking that, I can see it on your face!" She hopped from the berth and tried to push past the CMO, not wanting to deal with any of his questions of 'how' or 'why' or anything else she knew was coming.

However, Ratchet's firm grip on her arm stopped her. "I know you are not her, Proxy," he assured her. "And, I know that it has to be difficult to live with her presence all around you..."

"No," Proxy shook her head slightly, "it's not. I enjoy all of her memories, all the things she loved about this place, I love too. Everything she loved about all of you...I love too. I just don't want you to all believe I am her, because I am not her, and thinking that will only recreate her loss when you realize it. There's enough pain around here without me being the cause of more." She was able to pull her arm free from the stunned medic's grip and slipped through the door before he could try to grab her again. "If you'll excuse me, my recharge was interrupted and I think I'm still in need of another joor. I'll see you later."

::Ratchet to Jolt and First Aid,:: the CMO called over their private medical line. When he received confirming pings from both of the younger medics, he continued. ::Do not broach the subject of the bond between Proxy and the twins with anyone for the time being. There is nothing to be concerned about, but I will have to look into it a little deeper. Until further notice, disregard that it even exists.::

Both medics sent a confirmation, both heavily laden with confusion, but neither was willing to press.

"I don't even know how to address this," he lamented to himself.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

To say he was exhausted was to understate the severity of his entire situation, but Optimus knew that he had to remain in control of his subordinates. The addition of the science team had been greatly welcomed, and bolstered many hopes, but along with it came the problems of two different groups of soldiers trying to become comfortable in each other 's company again.

"And the way they obtain nutrients is simply amazing and insanely inefficient. Given the proper direction, these creatures could be developed in such a way that their consumption of organic material would decrease, while their nutritional benefits and energy output could be increased substantially..."

"Perceptor, please," Optimus interrupted yet another long-winded hypothesis by the scientist. Ever since the mech had come back online, it seemed his already intense curiosity had morphed into something almost consuming. The Autobot leader was hard-pressed to keep the scientist under control at times. "We do not experiment on the humans. It is not polite."

"But, it is for their benefit! I don't see how any of them would disagree..."

"Trust me, they will strongly disagree. Humans have come a long way on their own, Perceptor, I am confident that they will continue to evolve into something more than anything even we can imagine for them. Nature, as they say, must be allowed to take its course."

"Oh, very well," the small mech groused. "However, if I cannot directly aid them in their development, perhaps I could develop a more efficient food source?"

Some part of Optimus knew that, too, was a bad idea, but at this point he really did not have it in him to think through all of the downfalls of Perceptor's possible intentions. "I am sure that would be less offensive to the humans," he agreed. "Just please do not do anything to their food supply without the permission of one of their own that is in charge."

"Yes, sir!" Perceptor was gone before Optimus could reconsider anything he had said.

In truth, the Autobot leader didn't want to consider anything at all. He felt weary, and groggy, and completely unfit to manage even the most basic of things, let alone keep his troops in line.

::Optimus, do you have a moment?:: Ratchet's tone was one that Optimus knew well. The medic was at a cross roads and wasn't sure where to go.

If it had been _anybody _else... ::Yes. I am in my office currently.::

::What are you doing there? You're supposed to be...never mind.:: Ratchet would have lectured the Autobot leader on needing to take it easy, but considering he himself was in need of the mech's Prime perspectives, he really couldn't say anything. ::I am on my way.::

Optimus took the time waiting for the medic to arrive, to relax. Resting his head in one hand he focused on the tiny sparks within his hold. They were growing restless. He regretted that he could not bond with these odd little life forms; to sense what they must be feeling would make all of the physical drain on his spark seem less intense, he was sure of it.

They made him consider Proxy's words previously; _'Why don't you tell him? The poor youngling deserves to know the truth!'_

The femme was right, the youngling _did_ deserve to know the truth; the problem was that Optimus had not revealed the truth to protect said youngling. If the Decepticons ever found out that the current Autobot leader had a youngling to exploit, they would stop at nothing to do so. It was the same reason he had kept the 'bot in the dark about his origins from the beginning; was it really time to forgo that caution and let the truth be known? He had just grown so accustomed to watching from a distance, to discretely feeling out the other's spark, to gently guiding from the sidelines, that breaching that unspoken contract seemed inappropriate.

He vented, heavily burdened with his own indecision. _'The poor youngling deserves to know!'_ Again her voice roared through his processor. 'Perhaps this is the sign that I had been waiting for?' He questioned himself. The war once again looked to be lulling – but by now he was sure that things were still far from over; what if he was never given the opportunity to reveal the truth within the safety of peace amongst their race? Then it would never be known...

Except that Proxy knew...somehow that seemed to change everything.

When Ratchet entered the Autobot leader's office, he regretted that he felt he needed to speak with the mech so badly. Optimus looked near recharge sitting in his chair. "You should really be in your quarters resting."

"Then who would hear what important thing you need to speak of?" Not to mention everything else he had been needed for.

Ratchet vented softly. He may not have approved, but the needs of the many...Optimus would never abandon his duties, no matter what the cause. "I actually wish to ask you about what you remember from when you were offline."

Optimus straightened slightly. No one had questioned him about that time, only expressing their joy that he had been returned to them and their regrets that he had been offlined in the first place. "I cannot say that I retain much memory from that time." He suspected that his lack of memory during that time was not coincidence.

Settling in the chair across from Optimus, Ratchet nodded. He looked as though he were sure that the answer he was looking for was there somewhere, he just had to find the right place to look. "What about the Matrix of Leadership? How connected to it are you?"

"What is it you are looking for, my friend?"

"What is your take on resparking?" Ratchet continued, dismissing Optimus's attempt to direct the conversation.

Somewhat confused by Ratchet's unusual indirectness, the Autobot leader decided that perhaps he should just do his best to answer the medic's questions. "It is deeply rooted into our lore that great sparks can be resparked as a new life later on. You know that as well as I do."

"I do, yes. But what do _you_ believe? Do you really think your spark is just an ancient Prime resparked to this life? Or that there may be other sparks out there that have lived before and have returned? That perhaps...another type of life could be resparked even if it were not Cybertronian to begin with?"

"I...believe it is possible," Optimus suggested. "This is all very unlike you Ratchet. What is it you are thinking?"

"That," Ratchet hesitated as he chose how he wanted to phrase his statement, "that Proxy is a very strange anomaly. I just came from speaking with her...and she...I think I may be losing function in my processor, but it seems that Proxy is, or was, Aurian. She has a bond with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, she even said that she _is_ Aurian. Well, no, she says she's not Aurian, but Aurian is her..." the medic vented heavily, his face twisted in an expression of pure frustrated confusion. "I don't understand how any of this is possible!"

With the medic's revelation, Optimus vented heavily. "Ratchet, if there is one thing I have learned from my recent experience, it is that between the Allspark, and Primus himself, nothing is impossible. Sometimes it is far better to accept it as it is, and not question what has been done." He gave the medic an encouraging look. "Remember all the confusion over Jazz's reactivation? Everything happens for a reason, even when we do not fully understand."

"You knew?"

"Not at first," he considered his words for a moment. "Well, I suppose that is not entirely true. I did know, but the memories were eluding me. I believe that the Allspark intended for her to be given the opportunity to start over, in a way. She is at the same time the human we remember, and not."

"Yeah, I gathered that much," the medic vented, rubbing a hand over his face. "She seemed afraid we would all think of her as 'Aurian', and not as 'Proxy'. I suppose what I really want to know, is how should we handle this? Her situation is so unusual, I can't say that I've ever heard of anything quite like it."

"That is because there has never been anything quite like it. We handle this exactly how we have been handling it – one breem at a time. Proxy knows who, and what she is, that is all that is important, let her lead."

"You're right," Ratchet agreed, shaking his head.

When the CMO turned his attention back to his leader and friend, he noticed that the mech's optics were dim and his venting was sluggish.

"Optimus, you really need to go rest." He fixed the mech with a standard Ratchet 'no-compromise' glare. "It will still be a while before Wheeljack's sparkling support system is complete, and you'll do no one any good if you run yourself out before then."

Optimus looked as though he was going to protest, but even he knew he couldn't keep going on like this. "Very well," he agreed. He was exhausted after all, and he could still feel the little sparks within him draining him further. If he didn't go now, willingly, he'd be recharging on his desk before he knew it.

"Come on, I'll make sure you reach your quarters."

The two mechs left together; Ratchet spent the trip observing the Autobot leader. It was very disconcerting to see how worn down the mech was becoming under the stress of the sparks within him. Last he had checked, Ironhide wasn't fairing much better – and the weapons specialist had actually heeded the medic's orders to take it easy.

::Wheeljack,::

::Ratchet, Ah'm on it, Ah swear...we're goin' as fast as Ah can.::

::Optimus and Ironhide are not going to hold out much longer.::

::Well,:: the inventor sounded at a loss, ::unless ya've got another mechanical genius on base, Ah can't go any faster. Ah've already got everyone tha' can workin' double-time on it.::

::Something is going to give, Wheeljack,:: the medic warned.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; multitasking_

_ I headed to my room to get another joor of recharge, but I was kind of sidetracked on my way. Don't ask me how, considering there really wasn't much diversion between the twins' quarters an my own, but...well, I guess that whole flighty thing has a lot to do with it._

_ At any rate; I found myself wondering the backside of the medical wing where Wheeljack and his makeshift team were trying to rush through the construction of the support system, and an idea hit me..._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	113. Journal Entry 113

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; make it work_

_ At first, Wheeljack protested my help – but he was too polite to straight out send me away, and I was far too stubborn to listen anyway._

_ I had a familiar sensation driving me on; I knew how to make all of this work and I could think of nothing else._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How long has she been here?" Sunstreaker asked as he followed the inventor through the maze of wires and piping. The place was a mess; he wasn't going to argue that much, but what did Proxy have to do with it all?

"Ah'm not sure how long she's been here, Ah just noticed her in there about uh joor ago, but Ah can't get her ta come out. She says she knows what she's doin'," Wheeljack shrugged noncommittally. "Seems like she really does."

"So what's the problem?" The golden mech wasn't happy to be called upon to rein in the seemingly uncontrollable femme. Why did everyone think he was her keeper? Why hadn't they called Sideswipe instead? After all, his twin wasn't on duty right now, so why pull him from patrol to come see to Proxy?

"Well, with everythin' she's done, th' final stages o' construction were pushed forward. We wanna get th' system up an' runnin'..." the inventor hesitated somewhat.

"And?"

"She, uh...she's not exactly respondin' to anyone right now."

Alarm shot through Sunstreaker, and he reached out to the femme over their bond, only to discover; "She's recharging?"

"Guess she pushed her limits uh lil' too far." They reached the place Wheeljack had last known the femme to be. "In here."

"What do you expect me to do about it? I'm not climbing in there."

"Ah dunno...Ah guess Ah just thought, maybe she'd respond ta ya?" The inventor shrugged.

With a grunt, Sunstreaker looked at the small access tunnel that led to the support system's main feed – it was really too small for him to even think about climbing through, and there wasn't many other options he could think of. "Proxy?" He yelled for the femme, but got no response, so...

-BANG!

"Hey!" Wheeljack shouted in alarm, stepping in the way so that the front-liner couldn't kick the machine again.

However, Sunstreaker did not intend to strike out again.

There was a loud bang from inside the machine, followed by a grunt of pain and; "WHAT THE SLAG!"

'Are you awake now, femme?' Sunstreaker crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the small access hole.

'Awake? _Awake?_ I'm gonna strip your paint!' Proxy roared over their bond, pure outrage filling her end of it. More groans and some faint scrabbling sounds came from inside the machine as the femme found her way out.

The front-liner turned to the inverter. "Happy?"

"W-uh..." Wheeljack sputtered for some kind of reply to what he had just witnessed, but nothing was coming.

"...and then? And then I'm going to dismantle your face!" Proxy was a ball of pure disgruntled anger as she slipped out of the access point. "What do you think you're doing!"

Sunstreaker glared down at the furious femme coolly, "If you're going to recharge, you should do it in your quarters."

"I.." the femme huffed indignantly, "I was..."

"Hindering progress," the golden twin provided.

"What?"

"Th' machine's done, thanks ta ya," Wheeljack interrupted.

That stopped the blooming argument between the two younger 'bots.

"Done?" Proxy's odd gaze shifted back to the machine she had just been resting inside of.

"Aside from some fine tunin' an' some clean up? Yeah." Wheeljack patted the femme gently on the shoulder. "Guess Ah should'a asked fer yer help uh long time ago...why didn't ya say ya knew somethin' 'bout all this?"

"Because I didn't," the femme answered honestly. "I just...was inspired."

"Primus," Sunstreaker groaned. "You're just like _him_!"

Wheeljack was laughing, his amusement growing substantially at Sunstreaker's comment and the accompanying confused look from Proxy. "Well, anytime yer 'inspired', yer more'n welcome ta help meh out again."

"You don't even know if it works," the front-liner grumbled, though he had to admit – Aurian had pulled off some interesting mechanics before; why couldn't Proxy do the same? "What if it blows up?"

"Well, let's get it up an' runnin' so we can find out, why don't we?" The inventor was all too eager to find out if their hard work, his memories of what he had created back on the Decepticon ship, and the gaps bridged in between, would work. ::Everyone watch yer sections, we're startin' th' support system,:: he announced over the general com., alerting the rest of the rag-tag team.

With already well memorized motions, the mech keyed in the proper sequence to start the machine running, and with a loud, rumbling hum, lights all along it began to glow. There was a moment when they all held their intakes to wait out any major malfunctions, but nothing happened.

"It works?" Proxy asked hopefully.

Wheeljack nodded approvingly. "It works."

"I don't believe it," Sunstreaker added, a note of awe to his voice.

It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't top of the line, and it wasn't perfect by far; but it worked.

"Let's get those sparklin's inta their new home," Wheeljack vented happily, sending a notification out to all the appropriate 'bots.

When Optimus and Ironhide arrived – Ratchet, Jolt, and First Aid all on their heels – everyone who had been working on the support system gathered to see their efforts put to use.

Proxy stood anxiously, looking as though she was unsure of where she should be, or what she should be doing, near one of the chambers that would soon be occupied by one of the tiny sparks Barricade had saved.

'Barricade...' she thought of the mech still trapped between stages of his reformatting, laying in a deep stasis lock in the med bay. He had no idea that his efforts had not gone in vain. 'Ruby? Can we connect with Barricade? I know he's not exactly 'accessible' right now...but I really think he should know.'

A response came in both text appearing in her vision, and in the subtle bond the two femmes shared now. A 'symbiotic bond' was what Ratchet had called it. Even if he said it – like everything else about this odd femme and her unfamiliar cat-'bot symbiote – was unusual, it was still a bond and Proxy treasured it along with the small femme it was attached to.

{Establishing link...connecting...waiting for response...}

'Thank you.' She gave the small femme a mental 'petting', and the symbiote responded happily.

Optimus gave Proxy a once over, the femme still looked out of place, but at least she no longer looked uncomfortable. "Proxy?"

Startled by his address to her, Proxy jumped slightly, her strange optics locking on the Autobot leader.

"Yes?" She practically squeaked.

"Wheeljack has informed me that your skills have aided him greatly in finishing construction of this support system."

"I...uh...I didn't really do anything..." she stammered nervously. "I just...I mean, I kinda..."

Coming to the femme's side, Wheeljack offered her a light pat on the back. "Proxy here was able ta wire th' system like she'd designed it herself! She saved us orns o' work."

Proxy stared in complete astonishment at the inventor. "No, I didn't!" Glancing at each set of optics turned her way; the femme began shifting from one foot to the other and looking for a way to escape the scrutiny. "I mean, I just...I didn't really do anything...just some wires here and there..."

"Proxy," Optimus interrupted the femme's nervous rambling, "your contribution is appreciated," he finished easily, smiling at the femme warmly.

"T-thank you," she mumbled softly.

"If you are all done with the pleasantries?" Ironhide's rougher than usual voice broke in. "Can we please finish with this?"

Over the time he had acted as surrogate to the unnatural newsparks, he had grown slightly less offended by their presence, but he was still eager to be rid of them. He was exhausted, and he knew his systems wouldn't be able to support them much longer; the completion of the support system had come none too soon. Most of all, he was tired of being treated like he was fragile. He was a warrior, and just because he had a few sparks feeding off of him didn't mean that he was any less of a brutal force to be reckoned with – and just as soon as he got a decent cycle of recharge, he would show them all exactly that.

There were several sounds of agreement – some excited to see the sparklings, some eager to test the machine, some just wanting it all to be over with.

Ironhide and Optimus both allowed their holds to open, exposing the small sparks within. Everyone was captivated, staring at the bright little lights with awe.

As if guided by something unseen, Proxy approached them, her shifting optics steady on the pulsing lights within. The closer she came, the brighter the sparks glowed. Before she could think, her hand was reaching for Ironhide's hold, pausing at the very last moment. She looked up at the warrior mech, the question of her spark written clearly on her face.

Ironhide simply nodded, allowing the femme to reach into his hold and remove one of the small sparks that had been residing there. A small wave of relief overcoming him at having that small amount of drain on his own spark removed.

Proxy held the small spark reverently, her optics fixed on it. Something inside her longed for that tiny life and she felt so much happiness by simply holding it.

"Proxy," First Aid spoke softly, guiding her to one of the chambers, "here." He helped the distracted femme place the small life into the chamber, and everyone watched and waited, intakes holding as they hoped for the best and feared the worst. The young medic sealed the chamber and scanned the newspark carefully. "It appears to be working, the sparkling is stable."

There was a collective venting of relief, and several 'bots stepped forward to help relieve the Autobot leader, and weapons specialist of their burdens.

Proxy, however, was too enthralled with being able to see the small sparks glowing in their new chambers to rejoin the process. 'They're alive, 'Cade,' she thought. 'They're safe.'

{Response: Thank Primus...and thank you. Connection lost.}

She was happy to see that the mech had received her words; she only wished he could have been here to see it himself.

'Thank you, for saving them.' Even knowing he could not hear it, she felt it needed to be said.

Things began to calm down once all the sparks were in their new compartments, given a clean bill of health, and some celebrations were had. Most of the 'bots had moved on long ago, but a few remained; Proxy, Arcee, Ratchet, First Aid, Wheeljack, and Sideswipe.

"They're so small," Arcee whispered softly as she stood gazing at one of the happily pulsing newsparks. "So beautiful."

"And healthy!" First Aid practically cheered as he continued to monitor all of the newsparks' life readings. "I could never have even hoped for such success..." he paused as he thought of the price this success had come from, a wave of sorrow momentarily robbing him of his joy. He thought Aurian would have been happy to know that at least some of the lives she had helped to create had been saved and were now held safely in the loving sanctity of the Autobot's new nursery.

"It's amazing. I honestly thought I would never see another sparkling." The femme brushed her hands over the crystalline glass encasing the newspark she had been fawning over.

"It is some form of miracle," Ratchet mumbled as he adjusted the feed to the chambers a little more.

Wheeljack grunted his agreement from nearby. He had set himself to the task of cleaning and organizing so that the sparkling chamber-room looked more welcoming, and less haphazard. "It's uh shame all tha' had ta be lost fer it though." It did not even occur to him that his words might stir negative emotions in those around him. He, too, was mournful that the life of the human femme he had never had the opportunity to meet was sacrificed for this, but he also believed that Primus's ways were not always clear-cut. There had been a reason for it, even if they didn't – and may never – understand.

Ratchet's optics instantly snapped to Sideswipe, noting how the twin cringed a little at the thought of what had been lost to them, but he also drew slightly closer to the other femme occupying the room.

Proxy had said nothing since before the first sparkling had been placed in its chamber, her optics distant, their constant shifting slowed to a hardly noticeable pace. She stood with her hands pressed to two different chambers, her systems humming happily as the newsparks within pulsed happily along with her own spark's pulses.

"Maybe tha' caregiver programming downloaded after all," Wheeljack offered when he noted the femme's distraction.

Ratchet thought of the possibility, but found it to be rather slim. "I didn't detect any drone programming when I transferred her."

"Hm, well, then maybe it's natural," the inventor smiled as he watched the femme. "Can ya imagine our luck? Gettin' uh femme who's naturally uh caregiver, an' sparklin's fer her ta take care of. Primus musta' smiled on us."

"She still asked for the others to be destroyed," Arcee noted rather sharply. It was still something she couldn't forgive, no matter how dedicated the odd femme seemed to be. However, she stopped any further comment when Sideswipe's glare turned on her. There was a passionate fire there that she had rarely seen, and when she had, it had been directed at an enemy. "I just don't understand," she offered instead.

Proxy's strange, slow-shifting optics drifted to Arcee, still not coming to any type of focus. "Better to die, than to be handed into a life of pain and torture." There was a deep, unfathomable sorrow to the femme's voice as she spoke. "They would have never known anything good, and would have likely suffered greatly at the hands of Megatron," she continued. Her distant gaze cleared up for a moment and she looked deeply into Arcee's confused optics. "There isn't a moment that passes that I don't wish I had tried harder to save them."

Sideswipe had his arms around the femme in an instant, pulling her close to him and hiding her almost completely from Arcee's now pained optics. He whispered softly to her in tones that no one could make out.

It seemed that she suddenly understood better than she ever wanted to. Arcee knew now in her spark, that even though Proxy had requested something so horrible, the femme would never have willingly done so if she had any hope that there might have been another option. She had to question herself; would she have been strong enough to do the same in her stead? Would she have not walked every day feeling crushed by her words? By the thought of what she had done? "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Proxy smiled at Arcee from around Sideswipe's blocking form. "I can't say I'd feel any different than you if our positions were reversed."

With a nod of acceptance, Arcee took one last look at the newspark before her, then left the nursery.

Sideswipe waited a while longer before nudging Proxy from her resumed one-sided staring contest. "Hey, my shift is about to start, you should go get some recharge."

"I will," she promised offhandedly.

"Soon," he elaborated.

"I will."

"She will," Ratchet interjected, "I will be sure of it."

Proxy almost spared the medic some kind of withering glare, but as she turned her head, she found that she had no interest in it anymore. So her optics went back to the sparklings and her annoyance went unannounced.

Sideswipe watched the reaction with some interest. He'd felt her annoyance rise through their bond, but then it just vanished. It didn't fade, and there was no sense of her actively removing it, it was just gone. What replaced it was her overwhelming adoration of the little sparks surrounding her.

He felt a pang of concern shoot through him, and did his best to block it from the femme before it reached her. She was so wrapped up with the newsparks that he suddenly wondered if everything else would be forgotten for them. Would she abandon Teletran Unknown and her search for more Autobots? Would she stop playing her youngling-ish games that, while annoying, were charming at the same time? Would she ignore Sunstreaker and himself?

With a worried glance to the CMO, who was also studying the femme, Sideswipe realized that if there was anything to worry about, Ratchet would find it long before it became a problem, and they would deal with it. So he gave the femme a gentle squeeze and headed out to begin his shift.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; what the spark wants_

_ I don't really know what came over me when I saw all those little sparks...so few of them lived. The image of all those hundreds of sparks and these were all that survived..._

_ Okay, this is what kept going through my head; I just wanted to be with them. Forever. I wanted to protect them, to take care of them, to hold them and give them all of my love. I was _obsessed_ with them._

_ The humans claim that it's just a 'female thing'. They say all women get 'baby fever' any time they see babies. Cybertronians have something similar – femme programming pretty well dictates that a femme will protect any spark that isn't yet fully developed with everything they have – but upon further explanation from the medics; because each one apparently had to grill me on why I was so keen on these little guys; my programming was apparently in overdrive. Such blind devotion wasn't exactly normal from a femme toward a spark she had not created herself._

_ So, I'm not normal. What else is new?_

_ They were just so beautiful. So precious...and I could feel them._

_ When Ratchet finally tried to make me leave...um...well, let's just say that it didn't end well...and that I'm probably going to pay for it at some point._

_ I think it was Sideswipe that finally dragged me out of there. It was probably because of our __bond, but it seemed like the only ones that could make me think of something _other _than the newsparks, it was Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. I'd really do anything for them, too._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**So welcome to the world of 30 hours a day 9 days a week...yep, that's my life in a nut shell. School has started again, and I'm getting ready to go to the next level (2 levels actually) of training at work, so more money, more work, more everything. *sigh* But it's a labor of love I suppose, I do enjoy my job. Just wanted you all to be prewarned that chapters may be a little late from time to time (like tonight...) but that the story has not ended yet! We are going to 120 at least...beyond that I make no promises.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	114. Journal Entry 114

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; new beginnings_

_ I will simply say that there are some...and they are happening. Not all of them are pleasant.  
_

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"She's violent and uncontrollable," Ratchet studied the floor rather intently while he gave his report. "Her obsession is driving her to neglect herself, and abuse those around her." He didn't like what he was going to have to say, but there simply was no other alternative. "I believe, medically, it is the best for all if Proxy was no longer allowed to tend to the newsparks."

Optimus stared openly at his friend and CMO. "She is a good caretaker."

"Undeniably."

"And she has a strong connection with the newsparks."

Ratchet nodded, still not raising his head to look at the Autobot Leader. "I can't argue that; unfortunately, being a good caretaker and having a strong connection cannot prevent the harm she causes herself in her obsession, or the violence she exhibits towards others who approach the nursery. Wheeljack has not been able to get close enough to the machines to service them in nearly an orn. Even Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are starting to have trouble getting near her once she's with them." Finally looking up, the medic vented miserably. "I am afraid that for her own safety, I'm going to have to make it a medical order; Proxy is banned from the nursery."

Optimus was quiet for a long time. He couldn't imagine trying to keep a femme away from sparklings of any developmental level – especially newsparks – it was unheard of, but if what Ratchet said was true, then there really was no other option. He had not seen the femme's reactions himself; however, the evidence of what the medic said was there for all to see. More than one mech had retreated from the nursery missing bits of their armor, and the humans didn't even dare venture too close. "There is no other way?"

"None that I can think of, short of trying to reprogram her femme caretaker protocol – which I can't even guarantee is the problem. Not to mention that I seriously doubt she would submit to that willingly. She has enough issues with basic maintenance procedures as it is." The medic sagged in the chair he had been occupying for this meeting. "I don't quite understand why her programming allows her to be so volatile. It's like she's in permanent protection mode even though there's no apparent danger to the newsparks."

"Could it be the Decepticon programming that was initiated when she was thought to be a drone?"

"I didn't detect any of it when I transferred her into her new frame," the CMO shook his head. "It's highly unlikely that any of it could have slipped by unnoticed."

"What if it was a sleeper protocol?"

The look Ratchet gave Optimus said more than any words could ever have said.

A sleeper protocol was a program laid so deeply within a 'bot's personal programming that it was almost completely undetectable by scans alone. It would take an in depth, highly detailed, analysis of the program coding itself to even glimpse it, unless it was active.

Sleeper protocols were taboo among 'bots; the programming was seen as a violation of a 'bot's free will, which easily kept the Autobots from using something like it.

Despite the things that could be done with such a program, it was dangerous within a 'bot because keys for unlocking such a thing were too unpredictable. A 'bot's emotional core could accidentally trigger the protocol outside of the parameters it was intended for, which is why even Decepticons were hesitant to use it in their soldiers. More often than not, the protocol caused more harm than good.

However, a drone was an entirely different story.

"I would not put it past the Decepticons to install a sleeper protocol into a drone programmed largely by an Autobot," the Autobot leader continued.

"That doesn't make this any less complicated..." the medic stated grimly.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Proxy, be reasonable!" Sideswipe leaned heavily against the door to the nursery, preventing the door from being opened. The slamming sounds, and primal roars coming from the other side made it clear just how 'reasonable' Proxy was likely to be with him if he allowed her to enter. The femme may have been small, and have no weapons to speak of on her, but she was dangerous; especially like this. 'Sunny? Any luck?'

'At this point I'm thinking letting her run herself into stasis might be the best option.'

'Because facing Ratchet after that would be so much better?'

'Might be.'

With a frustrated venting, Sideswipe redoubled his efforts to keep the door closed. He hated keeping Proxy from the newsparks; she loved them so much, but Ratchet had been very clear when he said to keep her out, 'or else'.

The femme had completely closed both twins out of their bonds with her after they had tried to soothe her rage at being told she wasn't allowed in the nursery, and had gone into this almost blind rage. It reminded Sideswipe so much of when Sunstreaker went into his berserker mode, but even then, he had always been able to reach his twin. Proxy was completely unavailable to him.

Another rather loud bang brought Sideswipe's focus back to the fact that the femme was doing everything she could to overpower his hold against the door. "Proxy! You're going to hurt yourself!" He was only somewhat happy that he was on the opposite side of the door, and not having to face the femme directly.

On the other side of the door, waiting for an opportunity to strike, sat Sunstreaker holding a small dose of tranquilizer that Ratchet had assured them would be more than enough to take the femme offline. 'Do not hurt her,' had been the medic's rather strong instructions. Sunstreaker was quickly beginning to wonder if whatever harm he may cause to the femme by attacking her would be less than what she was causing herself now.

'Why,' he asked again, 'were we chosen for this?'

'Because apparently everyone else is afraid of a 'defenseless' femme!' Sideswipe snapped back. 'Sunny, just do it and get it over with! She's going to offline herself!'

'Fine, but I don't want to hear anything from you about it.' The front-liner slid from his place near the wall, where he had been all but ignored by the enraged femme, and approached cautiously. He knew the second she realized he intended to act against her, Proxy would turn on him and the fight would be on. It was simply a matter of how gentle he was with her as to how long that struggle might last. Hurting her really wasn't high on his list of things that were 'acceptable', but he had to do what he had to do.

He hadn't taken three steps before the femme's optics locked on him. Their steady shifting had settled into a red, orange, white pattern with her rage, and it almost disturbed the golden twin.

"Take it easy," he warned her. "I don't want to hurt you."

Proxy glared at him, challenging him to come any closer to her. It sent a chill running through Sunstreaker that he hadn't felt in vorns: fear. Not that he was afraid she would offline him, or even harm him too much, but that she was ready to take him on, was ready to offline herself, if she had to, for whatever reason it was that had consumed her processor. He was afraid of her willingness to come to deactivation just to reach the newsparks.

'Is that what I look like?' He wondered to himself. Was that what others saw when he went into his berserker mode? If it was, he could understand why they treated him like a monster on the battlefield.

Seeming to think that he wasn't going to come any closer, Proxy returned her attention to the door she was battering with every bit of her strength and a large scrap of metal she had found somewhere. The metal wasn't faring well against the door, but the door did show evidence of the sheer force she had put behind it.

'Sunny!' Sideswipe demanded again as the femme threw her entire frame against the door.

'I'm on it!' Moving quickly, he was able to get behind her before she realized that he was moving again, but it wasn't quite quick enough.

She turned on him, slender fingers catching under his armor and throwing him off balance. She wasn't strong, but she apparently had a knack for using balance and momentum against a 'bot. Jazz would have been proud.

Sunstreaker stumbled a little, stopping himself from falling over. His efforts were nearly lost when the femme landed on his back, fingers digging into sensitive wires as she screamed guttural nonsense at him.

Using a corner of a wall, the front-liner forced the femme from his back, and then pinned her against the wall. He could feel the familiar rush of his battle programming trying to come online, but he kept it down.

"This is for your own good!" He roared at her as he struggled to get the injection into one of her lines.

"NO!" She screamed, kicking out at his chestplates hard enough to make his vents shutter and his grip on her to slacken just enough for her to slip free. Instead of running, she grabbed at an energon line in his side and pulled as hard as she could. The line snapped, spraying energon everywhere. As the liquid splashed over Proxy, she froze, her optics going wide, holding the white color they had shifted through.

Sunstreaker grunted in discomfort; the damage was only a minor inconvenience and his systems were already rerouting the energon to prevent further loss, but he took the femme's momentary shock to administer the tranquilizer.

He felt as the block against his bond vanished and he was flooded with an abundance of fear; fear for the newsparks, and fear for him. There was no anger there at all.

Catching the femme as she slumped, Sunstreaker reached back over that bond and assured her that he was fine, and that the newsparks were in good care.

'Got her?' Sideswipe's hopeful question trembled through their bond. He had also been washed over by Proxy's fear, and it had unsettled him. It was so strong, so pure, he was sure he had never felt anything like it before.

'Yeah.'

The door to the nursery opened, and the first thing Sideswipe noticed was the spilled energon.

"It's mine," Sunstreaker said quickly, showing his twin the broken energon line in his side. "She glitched when she saw it, made it easy to knock her out."

"Let's get her to Ratchet...hopefully he can fix this." The silver twin took the femme in his arms before Sunstreaker could protest, not that his brother would have.

Sideswipe was feeling guilty for having caused her so much fear – she could be afraid of anything she wanted, as long as it wasn't him or because of him. His arms tightened around the femme's small frame; as if he could simply force the fact that he would never harm her or anything that was dear to her into her spark. Sunstreaker's supportive nudges through their bond assured him that his twin felt similarly.

"She's not going to forgive us for this," Sideswipe stated bluntly, as they turned toward the med bay.

"No," Sunstreaker agreed. "Maybe she shouldn't either..." there was a tangle of confusion from the golden twin over their brotherly bond. 'We should have stood beside her, instead of agreeing to this.'

'It's for her own good,' Sideswipe repeated the phrase as if it would feel more right with repetition. 'You felt how worn down she was; she wasn't recharging, wasn't taking any energon...she was so focused on those newsparks...'

'It's femme programming.'

'There's something more there,' Sideswipe vented. He had caught it a time or two when Proxy lingered too long with the sparklings: a deep sorrow, a painful regret. 'She's afraid that these will be taken from her, too.'

'We'll just have to prove to her they won't.'

'How?'

'We'll protect them until she's allowed to go back. It's the least we can do.' Sunstreaker gave his brother a very meaningful look as he held open the med bay door for his twin.

They may have only followed orders, they may have had Proxy's health in mind when they had done so, but that didn't mean they had to accept it all at face value.

'Sparkling sitting, huh?' Sideswipe smiled at his brother. 'Not exactly your style.'

Sunstreaker waited for the silver mech to pass him before allowing the door to shut. 'That's why you're doing it.'

'What?'

Any chance of furthering their argument was stunted as Ratchet claimed the limp form from Sideswipe's arms. The silver mech's first reaction was to hold tighter, but he hesitantly released her to the medic's care. A small part of him hated Ratchet at that moment; it was his fault Proxy was here, but that part was overshadowed by the stronger part of him that just wanted to make sure the femme was okay.

"Did she give you trouble?" The medic asked as he laid the femme out on a berth.

Sunstreaker shifted a little, turning his damaged side away from the medic. "No."

"Where is this energon from?" He had already scanned the femme's form and knew the spilled energon was not hers.

"Spilled a cube when we tried to grab her," Sunstreaker stated rather flatly.

The CMO knew better than to take the twin at his word, but he was far more interested in trying to catch the sleeper protocol before it returned to a dormant state – if it was even present at all.

"So, care to tell us why we just overpowered a femme Pit-bent on protecting newsparks?" Sideswipe asked as he dared to come stand beside the berth opposite the medic. "Or was that just for fun?"

"Her behavior around the newsparks is unacceptable; but I have come to think that perhaps it isn't her fault."

"Of course it's not!" Sideswipe snapped before he had even thought about it. "She just wants to keep them safe."

Ratchet spared the front-liner a somewhat sympathetic glance before opening a small access panel in Proxy's head. Normally he would take the time to make sure that everything was exactly right; putting the femme into medical stasis, put her into a closed room where he wouldn't have to be concerned about some accidental disaster that could damage her processor, take the time to assure that Ruby was likewise offline; but there simply wasn't time for that, not if he was going to catch the sleeper before it went dormant again.

Witnessing the invasive action, both twins reeled. Sunstreaker moved to leave the med bay, feeling he had no right to be there. Sideswipe couldn't bring himself to move away from the berth, instead found himself drawing closer.

"What are you doing?" The silver twin demanded in alarm.

"Just be silent and let me work," Ratchet didn't have time to split his focus.

The front-liner didn't want to be quiet, but seeing Ratchet's intense focus gave him pause. If the medic was messing around inside Proxy's processor, he didn't want to distract him and possibly be the cause of more harm to the femme. Instead, he took a more comfortable stance, grasping Proxy's limp hand in his own, and sought out her bond. Was she ill and he hadn't noticed?

'She's glitched,' Sunstreaker offered silently over their bond. He had taken up a rather protective posture near the door as if he would take on anyone who dared to pass the threshold.

'No she's not, and you know it,' the silver twin snapped. It was true that Proxy wasn't quite 'normal', but she wasn't glitched anymore. Ruby's bond with her had patched the holes in her processor. 'It's something else...'

'Oh, maybe it's the 'murder-offline-destroy' program that takes over every time she even thinks about those little freaks of science she loves so much? Or, is that just normal behavior?'

'She was afraid for them,' Sideswipe remembered that wash of fear that swept over him when Proxy's block on their bond had fallen. 'Terrified...'

There was a sensation like a troubled venting that crossed the bond between brothers. 'But why?' Sunstreaker asked. He couldn't understand what Proxy could be afraid of, what she could possibly fear so much that would send her into such a violent tirade.

'I don't know. We...' the silver mech's grip on the femme's hand tightened marginally, 'we lost her the moment those sparklings went into the nursery. She acts like they might slip away if she's not watching them every klik of the orn. Even when we did manage to drag her away, they're all she thinks about!'

A thought occurred to Sunstreaker at that moment. Well, more of an image; Proxy standing in the Decepticon version of a nursery, adoring the little mutated sparks, and the way they lit up at her touch. Then there was the way she had so desperately begged for someone to save the few Barricade had managed to bring to them. 'They are Aurian's sparklings...' he realized. 'They are _her_ sparklings!'

Both twins stood stiff with the bond-spoken realization, optics locking on the femme with a newfound understanding.

"Ratchet," Sideswipe spoke softly, unsure if he should disturb the medic so engrossed in his work.

Ratchet only grunted in response as he searched Proxy's active coding for anything that might lead him to the sleeper protocol. He could sense it just beyond his reach; it was there, but fading quickly back to its dormant state.

"I...think that maybe..."

The medic barely heard the front-liner as he delved deeper into the femme's programming, chasing the sleeper as it retreated. He was close, so very close.

"The sparklings might be hers," Sideswipe blurted before he could rethink it.

Just as he was sure he had the program, it slipped away. Ratchet's attention had been effectively diverted from chasing the rogue coding by the quickly spoken words. "How?"

"If you think about it," Sunstreaker spoke up with a slight waver to his voice, "it's obvious."

The medic processed the thought for a few breems, trying to connect the information that the twins had seemingly already found; and that's what led him to their same conclusion. They knew how Proxy felt toward the sparklings because of their bond that they held with her – the bond that she had inherited from her predecessor, Aurian; who the Decepticons had used in their bioengineering experiments to make the anomaly she had incubated for months previously, leading to her final capture and demise. "Aurian?"

Both twins nodded slowly, as if it hurt them to admit it.

Sagging as the full weight of this new information settled on his processor, Ratchet began to try to figure out how to proceed. The fact that he was still partially within Proxy's processor eluded him until a faint and familiar signature appeared – a sign of the mech who placed the programming within the femme. "Can nothing ever be simple?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; panic_

_ I didn't understand why they had decided I couldn't be with the newsparks anymore, and quite frankly, I hated them for it. It felt like an attack directly against me: __against them!__ And I wanted no part of it. If I had to fight them all, I would!_

_ What I understood even less was why Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had been the ones to enforce the order. How could they? They knew how much I loved those tiny sparks, how much I _needed_ to be with them, but they betrayed me and locked me out! How could they? How could they? It hurt so much I was blinded by the pain of it, by my desperation to be with those that my spark belonged to. I didn't care what I had to do to get to them, as long as I was with them...but I hurt Sunstreaker..._

_ That wasn't me, that wasn't who I was. I didn't hurt those I cared about, even when they hurt me. What was wrong with me?_

_ But the newsparks..._

_ They're all alone now, and I can't go to them. They would know I wasn't there. What would happen to them? I couldn't let it be this way!_

_ Why did they have to take them away from me? It just wasn't fair._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	115. Journal Entry 115

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; breaking walls_

_ Do you suppose when they were building the Autobot section of the base they thought about the sheer power a 'bot could put behind tearing down the walls?_

_ Well, surprise! They did._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"_This_ is better than letting her be with the sparklings?" First Aid had to shout to be heard over the ruckus within the med bay.

Ratchet simply glared at the younger medic, his patience long since worn out.

After he had found where the sleeper protocol in the femme had been stored, and found the mech that had planted it there, Ratchet had started working on a program that could eliminate the protocol – alongside the mech that had designed it.

"Ya know, Ah never thought it'd work this well," Wheeljack offered as some form of condolence. "Ah was just thinkin' tha' caretaker drones would be better if they had th' ability ta fight fer th' sparklin's if th' 'Con's decided ta get rid of 'em."

"Wouldn't it figure that it would be the only part of the drone program to actually download?" Jolt groused as he valiantly attempted to continue his work despite the unnerving wails filling the entire medical wing. "And, that it would be the one program you encrypted beyond all reasonable sense..." he continued as a particularly loud bang echoed through the med bay.

"What can Ah say? When Ah want somethin' ta stay embedded, it stays embedded."

"I still don't understand why it didn't activate until now," First Aid gave up all attempts at actually accomplishing anything. Proxy's unnatural cries were just too unnerving. "Why didn't she go all 'over-protective caregiver' back when we first found the newsparks?"

The inventor leaned away from the console he was working at while he considered the question. A dark look from Ratchet had him back to work in less than a pulse. "Ah can't say fer sure, but Ah'd venture tha' because uh th' glitches she had, th' protocol wasn't gettin' activated. Th' connection just wasn't there."

"So," Jolt ventured cautiously, "the symbiote activated the protocol?"

Wheeljack shrugged. "Ah suppose so."

The solution to their current problem seemed obvious to the young medic-in-training. "Then why not just remove the symbiote?"

"No," Ratchet spoke for the first time since they had started working on the sleeper protocol.

"Why?"

"Symbiotic relationships are complicated at best," First Aid sighed, understanding where his once-mentor was coming from, though he thought that as a temporary solution removing the symbiote sounded like a half-decent idea. Then again, that could just be the silent pleas of his audio sensors scrambling his processor. "You can never be sure that it won't just compound the problem."

"We could figure that out by trying it," Jolt pressed. He wanted to stop the harsh cries of the femme, not only because they were very distracting and bringing everyone within audio range to the end of their circuits, but because his spark couldn't take the broken sound much longer. He chose the medical profession because he wanted to _help_ 'bots, not bring them to the brink of their own limits.

"No," Ratchet reaffirmed. "Proxy was in danger of rejecting her frame before Ruby joined with her. I won't take the chance that her systems may succeed without the symbiote there to patch the missing connections in her processor."

Jolt looked reasonably alarmed at the mere notion of it, while First Aid simply looked as though it was a fact he had overlooked.

"Ah just wish she'd stop screamin'," Wheeljack lamented mournfully. "She's breakin' muh spark." Everyone else made some noise, or gesture of agreement. None of them liked the sounds the femme was making, even less that they knew those sounds to be the sounds of a tortured 'bot.

So consumed by their desire for the femme's cries to end, and for the cure to be found, not one of them noticed when a quiet system began running of its own accord. Nor did they notice the impossibly pale blue optics that lit in a stoic face. They didn't even notice when a once immobile form rose and drifted slowly down the hall towards the tortured shrieks.

Breems passed void of conversation before Jolt had finally reached his limit. He slammed the tool he had been using down and stood so quickly the stool he had been using toppled over. "I can't take it anymore!" he shouted, fists clenching. "This has to stop!"

Audio-ringing silence suddenly overtook the med bay, and everyone's optics instantly went to Jolt. For his part, the young medic looked completely stupefied by the seeming results of his outburst.

"What...what happened?" First Aid dared to ask, so quietly that every set of audios felt strained to hear him.

"Did she finally offline herself?" Jolt asked fearfully.

As one, every body in the med bay moved to the hall containing the few patient rooms designed for the 'bots use, and similarly all froze when they saw one door that had been firmly and overbearingly locked, now hung open.

Ratchet was the first to move, pushing past the two stunned younger medics, Wheeljack hot on his heels. They rushed down the hall, fearing the femme had somehow found her way out, and was now loose on the base somewhere. Checking the room had only been a secondary thought as they scanned for another way the femme might have gone; however, it seemed as though it was the right place to begin.

Inside the room, they found a scene none of them could explain. A mech with few defining qualities sat with Proxy sobbing into his chest, arms wrapped around him as though the end of the universe had found her, and he was the only thing holding her together.

It didn't take long for them to know who the mech was – except that it _wasn't_ who he used to be.

"You're online?" was Ratchet's rather intelligent reaction.

"It would appear so." The mech considered the gathered 'bots at the door. "Why is this femme malfunctioning?"

"She's not malfunctionin'," Wheeljack dared to enter the room. "She's simply havin' uh hard time with some o' her programmin'." The inventor knelt beside Proxy, sparing the mech a rather astounded look. "How'd ya get in here?"

"I opened the door." The mech held no expression on his face as he spoke, and there was no inflection of emotion in his voice either.

"Why did you open the door?" Ratchet asked, annoyance starting to creep back into his weary voice. He was scanning both the mech, and the femme he held, silently wondering how the mech was even online.

"She asked me to," he explained easily.

The mech suddenly found himself pushed away from the femme that had only a moment ago been latched to him. He only watched in absent interest as she jumped to her feet, spinning away from where Wheeljack had reached out to her. "Don't touch me!" she shouted violently.

"Proxy," Ratchet spoke in a soothing voice as he stepped forward.

"Back off, medic!" She snapped angrily. "You're the one that locked me in here! Locked me away from the newsparks!" Her voice rattled every audio that received it, making all present dim their reception or risk a glitch from there sheer pitch of her accusations. "How dare you? Any of you?" She began to pace as her yelling continued.

"Proxy, please calm down," Ratchet attempted again, only to find the femme's fiery optics locked solely on him. "This is the reason you are here; you shouldn't be reacting so violently..."

"YOU'RE KEEPING ME FROM THEM!" She roared, advancing on the medic with obvious intent to cause harm.

Despite the logical action to defend himself, Ratchet stood as he was and let the femme come. "You have a sleeper protocol," he attempted to explain as she lashed out at him. Catching her arms in a firm grip, he held her as well as he could, but Proxy's small frame and pure ire were allowing far more flexibility than he expected of her, and found a rather sharp knee crashing under his chin.

"Let me go!"

Behind the CMO, Jolt and First Aid were eagerly seeking an opening to sedate the femme again. While it was true they would only be able to catch the sleeper protocol when it was active – they were both in agreement that Proxy was currently too much of a danger to herself to allow her to remain online.

"Proxy," Ratchet began again, only to be stopped by a harsh kick to his chest plates as the femme tried to free herself.

"Femme, cease your struggling," the unremarkable mech ordered flatly, "you are doing no one any good, and getting no where by acting this way."

Proxy's struggles did stop, but her anger was still clear. "They locked me away from them," she growled.

"And acting out like this is going to change that?"

"I have to go to them!"

"Your behavior would indicate that you are not qualified to watch over newsparks."

The femme grew limp in Ratchet's hands, her head turning to look at the mech with pure horror on her face. "What?"

"It should be obvious; newsparks require stability, gentleness, and an untroubled surrounding – none of which you can currently provide."

A very stressed sound emitted from the femme, her frame trembling. Ratchet could feel heat rising in her, her cooling systems suddenly not able to keep up.

"Proxy, calm down," Ratchet tried again, his grip on the femme remaining firm. "Your systems are starting to malfunction."

The femme's optics seemed locked with the unremarkable mech's, neither giving any sign that there was anything more to be said between them. The mech's expression was that of an unforgiving truth, while hers was one of unbelieving denial, the pitch of her frozen systems rising to something painful.

Ratchet quickly concluded that talking wasn't going to get through to her anymore, and reached up to manually access her recharge cycle.

"No," Proxy whispered as she felt the medic invade her systems. "Please..."

"You're developing a dangerous glitch; I need to repair it before any permanent damage is done." Ratchet was gentle with her, but determined. He could still hear the stressful cries of her internals trying to overcome whatever had frozen her cooling system. Her whole frame was shaking, and small tendrils of smoke were starting to escape her joints – the heat growing too intense for some of the lesser materials he had to use to build her current frame.

"I have to save them..." she cried out in a hoarse whisper as she succumbed to recharge.

The very klik she was under, Ratchet initiated a medical stasis on her, deciding that holding her in that state was far preferable to allowing her to continue stressing herself until they found a cure.

::Ratchet,:: Sideswipe's unstable voice called over the general com. line, ::what are you doing?::

::I've placed Proxy in a medical stasis for the time being. Her systems froze and she was dangerously close to an all-out crash...it is for her own good.::

::You've been saying that a lot recently,:: Sunstreaker snapped rather angrily. There was a hint of a warning in the front-liner's tone, his trust in the medic was obviously wearing thin.

"How'd they even know?" Wheeljack asked as he helped Ratchet move the femme to the single berth in the room.

"It's...complicated," Ratchet vented as he considered the now still femme. The heat of her frame was causing the air around her to ripple in illusory waves; it was almost hypnotizing, capturing his optics as he tried to figure out what to do about her.

Suddenly beside the medic, looking down at the femme, the unremarkable mech looked somewhat disbelieving – the first real expression he had displayed since onlining. "What is there to not understand? The femme obviously has a bond with one, if not both, of the front-liner twins. They felt her panic and responded – one with nervousness, the other with aggression. It was rather clear in their voice patterns."

Everyone stared at the mech with open awe, one with a healthy dose of uncomfortable fear as well.

"How can you be so sure?" Ratchet asked cautiously.

"It is glaringly obvious," the mech answered bluntly. "As I explained, it was in their voice, and it is the only logical reason for such a quick response to an action no other could have been made aware of outside of this room. They are bonded, are they not?" He looked from one set of optics to the next, searching for any denial to his statement. Finding only dawning understanding, or simple shock, he concluded his statement to be true.

Ratchet finally broke the seeming silence by venting roughly. "I can't say it's true, or not, I don't really know yet; however, there is some form of connection between the twins and Proxy. That isn't important right now. What _is_ important," with this his optics turned stern and locked on Wheeljack, "is that we find a way to remove that protocol before any more damage is done." He waited until the inventor shuffled off, still trapped somewhere between proud of his coding for its obvious success, and ashamed for the way it was causing trouble for everyone.

Then, the CMO's cool optics shifted to the younger medics, giving them silent orders to resume helping Wheeljack with the solution they were in desperate need of, and they likewise left the room, leaving Ratchet with the unremarkable mech and the medically-induced-stasis femme.

His attention settled on the mech, who was still looking over the femme stoically. "How much of your memory databanks are functional currently?"

The mech seemed to stiffen as he accessed the appropriate information. "Thirty-seven point eight six percent of my memory databanks are recoverable. Twenty-three point zero four percent is corrupted, unrecoverable. Thirty-nine point one percent has been wiped of all data." The mech seemed to consider this for a long moment before looking at the medic studying him. "What has happened to me?"

Offlining his optics for a moment, Ratchet tried to decide how best to tell the mech the fate that had befallen him. "You were severely damaged; there was little chance of preserving you at all. We had to reformat you, it was the only option."

"Did I...agree to this?" There was no accusation in his voice, only a probing for missing facts.

"In a manner of speaking...Proxy was able to communicate with you, it seemed..." Ratchet paused as some recognition appeared in the mech's optics.

"Yes, I do recall a voice..." the mech could only pull parts of the initial conversation from his ragged memory, but he remembered the femme's voice – distraught and pleading – she had asked if he was sure, and he had said yes. "Not very well, but I do recall now." Something else came to him, with a similar connection, though the actual voice was missing, a message telling him that 'they're alive', and 'they're safe'. His spark warmed at the words, and a part of him was sure he knew what 'they' were, but he couldn't make that final connection between the words and the image. "I did not want to be who I was before; however, I cannot recall who I was before, so I suppose that is no longer an issue."

"I suppose not," Ratchet agreed. "The thing we should figure out now is what to call you?"

The mech seemed to ponder this for a moment, but when nothing came to him, he simply shifted his stance slightly. "I cannot find a designation in my programming," he stated matter-of-factly. "A suitable one should be assigned."

"I was afraid you'd say that," the medic vented again. "I think we'll give you some time to think it over. At any rate, you should not be up and around just yet; your reformatting is not complete and your frame is not entirely stable yet. Please, come with me back to your berth so I can assess your condition better."

"My condition is functional, I would much rather be useful rather than waste time lying on a berth."

The medic laughed. "Well, that's one thing you've got going for you. At least you want to be useful and not a pain in my aft. Still, you're not ready to be up; I will decide when you are functional."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; I hate stasis_

_ My understanding, as I've said before, was that a 'bot was supposed to be unaware of the passing of time, or really anything, during stasis; but I wasn't. Not the first time, and not this time._

_ Instead of being welcomed into the blissful void of non-function, I was dragged about the multiverse of my mind; hopping one thought-planet to the next as if the Unmaker might find me should I rest in any one place too long._

_ And then there was a voice – a non-voice, really. I heard it, but not with my audios, more like with my spark, or something like that, it was really strange._

_ 'All is not lost,' it kept saying, 'it is simply time to start again.'_

_ What was that supposed to mean? What was starting again?_

_Stars filled the darkness of my multiverse-mind: more and more until the whole of my mind was nothing but blinding light, and then they faded.__ It was slow at first, but began picking up speed until it seemed they were all sucked into the black of nothingness. It was cold, and void, and lonely, but there was a soft voice humming until a new star appeared. It shone brightly until it seemed it could not contain it__s__ own brightness any longer and it exploded into hundreds of little lights, which would twinkle and then fade away until it seemed none would remain. There were just a handful left by the time this odd cosmic rhythm had finished, and they stood in a half arch within my vision, glowing brightly, but not growing brighter. They were stable and whole._

_ 'All is not lost,' the voice repeated one more time, as if it were right next to me speaking into my audio – aside from the fact I didn't hear it with my __audio, but my spark instead, the feeling was still the same._

_ 'I will protect them,' I promised._

_'They are protected,' the voice agreed. 'It is time to start again.'_

_ I counted the stars over and over, each time being __surer__ that I knew what they were and what I was to do for them. Thirteen stars...thirteen sparks...thirteen newsparks that I would give my life to protect._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	116. Journal Entry 116

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; apologies_

_ Ratchet finally brought me back around with something like good news. 'We found the sleeper protocol,' he had told me before I was even fully back online, 'and we have trapped it in a sub-memory bank, but we haven't been able to remove it just yet. Apparently, Wheeljack's programming went viral in your systems and attached itself to important coding we can't simply remove...one thing can be said for that mech; when he wants something to stay, it stays.'_

_ I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that. There's a viral sleeper protocol in my head? What part of that says 'good thing' about it? None, that's what._

_ At any rate, I was released from my med bay prison cell, but they told me I still wasn't allowed near the nursery – that the newsparks were off-limits to me until they were positive the sleeper wouldn't resurface. I...wasn't too happy about that...and I may have overreacted slightly...which really did nothing to help my case any._

_ How could they tell me to stay away from them? I mean, really? I _have_ to protect them!_

_ Sunstreaker was the one to accompany me for the first several joors I was outside of the med bay. I didn't speak to him once, and I sure as Pit wasn't allowing any bond-related emotions slip through either. I was mad at him. Both of them really, but Sideswipe apparently didn't have the titanium bearings his brother did, and was distinctly nowhere to be found._

_It wasn't until Sunstreaker mumbled a simple word that I never thought I'd hear pass through his vocalizer, at least not in any fashion that was serious, that I thought that maybe I could think about trying to come to some kind of understanding with them for their betrayal._

_ 'Sorry...'_

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A heavy blast of air shunted from Proxy's vents as she stared longingly at the one structure she was denied entry to. Any other area of the base – even the human sections – she was free to roam, but that one; the one she wanted most of all to be in, she was not allowed. Groaning with the longing in her spark, she tried to turn her optics away, but that did little to help.

She felt a soft nudging in her processor from the only bond she would respond to.

"I don't know what to do, Ruby. It hurts so much not to be with them."

{Seek medic?}

The femme huffed dejectedly. "He's the one that banned me, remember?"

{...Seek alternate presence within nursery?}

"Alternate presence? What do you mean?"

{Another, trusted presence to tend newsparks.}

Proxy groaned again. "They're in good hands," she stated for what she was sure was the hundredth time. She knew that the Autobots would take good care of the newsparks, but still her spark ached to protect them, to keep them safe. "I can't think of anything more trusted than them, other than myself." She tried to ignore the blatant betrayal she felt toward Sideswipe and Sunstreaker for turning on her, or her anger toward Ratchet for ordering it.

{Me?}

Proxy stiffened at the suggestion. "You want to separate?"

There was distinct objection to her statement, yet a willingness to comply despite that. {If it is an acceptable alternative.}

If she couldn't be with the sparklings, wasn't Ruby the next best thing? "I don't know, Ruby...I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to...but...I think it might ease my spark some to know you were there with them." Not that tiny Ruby would be much in the way of a protector, but she would be able to watch over the newsparks, tend to them with the understanding Proxy had. The thought really did make her spark ache a little less. "You would transmit to me often?"

{Constant.}

"And you are really okay with this?"

There was a soft trill of happiness to help her host in such a way; despite the discomfort separation would put on both of them. {Separating: Now.}

Proxy felt a slight wave of dizziness as the small red femme pulled away from her head, dropping to the ground gracefully, once more the cat-'bot she once was. With another trill of assurance, the femme pressed her small head against Proxy's leg before taking off toward the nursery.

'Thank you, my friend,' Proxy called out over their bond, to which she received more joy and happiness than she could ever ask for from anyone. Ruby truly was a part of her: in spark as much as anything else.

Feeling her thoughts becoming less clear without the aid of the small symbiote to help balance them out, Proxy decided that perhaps she should seek the safety of her room where she could connect with Ruby and observe the sparklings secondhand. It wouldn't be the same as being there, but it was all she had for the time being, and she was going to take advantage of every klik of it.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Tapping softly on the crystalline glass, Sideswipe watched the tiny spark within flutter agitatedly. He was board. Board, board, board, but he had promised, so here he was.

"Least you could talk to me," he mumbled at the tiny newspark. He had been here since the day they had taken Proxy to Ratchet. He knew about the sleeper protocol, and he knew that the femme was free to roam the base once more: sans the nursery. That wasn't the reason he was here; the fact the femme couldn't find him here and tear him apart for his betrayal had nothing to do with it. He was here to watch over the newsparks until she was allowed to return. If only Sunstreaker would take a turn...

"She's locked herself in her quarters; it's safe for you to leave for a while." The golden twin passed his brother a cube of energon as he came to stand beside him. "When I said we'd protect them, I didn't mean for you to move in."

Sideswipe took the offered energon gratefully; he hadn't even realized he was in need until just that moment. "I like being here," it wasn't entirely a lie. He did enjoy the presence of the newsparks. Something about them just made him feel...happy? Contented? Relieved? He wasn't exactly sure, just that he felt like there was less weight on his own spark when he was near them.

"You're bored as Pit," Sunstreaker pointed out, feeding the feeling permeating their bond back to his brother. "I'm surprised you haven't named them."

"I did," the silver mech admitted with a heavy vent. "Then I renamed them, and then I pretended we were all having a wonderful conversation."

Sunstreaker looked shocked, not by what his brother was saying, but by the honesty behind the words. "You really _are_ bored!" The golden mech took a moment to look at the newsparks. He counted them subconsciously, as if he were afraid one of them might be gone, and vented happily when all were there. "Are you really that afraid to face her?"

"I'm not afraid."

"You are."

"Am not!"

Leveling a flat glare at his brother, Sunstreaker's voice dropped to a level that did not allow further argument. "You are, or you would have been there the breem she was released from observation."

Sideswipe cringed at that, guilt flooding him. He had told himself over and over that he was keeping a promise by staying here and guarding over the newsparks, that Proxy would forgive him for not being there when she was released because he was watching them for her...but his brother knew him better than that. "She won't respond to me," he stated as if that were cause enough for his avoidance. "Obviously she doesn't want to speak with me."

"You're an idiot, Sides." The front-liner twin settled on a stool next to his brother. "Even I know she's trying to keep us from feeling how hurt she is."

"We betrayed her."

"We did what we were ordered to do...but yeah, we did. Hiding in here isn't going to make that better."

"I'm watching over them, like I said. Not hiding."

"Well, I'm here now. Why don't you go find her and tell her you're sorry? I did." The last bit came out half as a proud declaration, and half as a shameful admission of his own desire for the femme not to dislike him.

"You..._what_?"

"I told her I was sorry." He wasn't going to tell his brother that it hadn't seemed to help one iota. The femme was still ignoring him completely. "That's not the point. Get out. If you don't have the courage to face an angry femme, at least go stretch out your legs. I don't need you getting stiff and whining at me when I beat your aft next time we spar."

Reluctantly, Sideswipe stood up, glancing over the newsparks once more. "You sure you want to watch over a bunch of newsparks?"

"What are they going to do? They don't even have awareness yet, Sides; I think I'll be fine."

Sideswipe made a sound of annoyance. "Yeah, but will they?"

With a harsh blow to his shoulder, Sideswipe found himself stumbling out of the nursery, his brother blocking the door behind him. "Get out, and don't come back until you've at least tried to talk to her."

"Sunny,"

"Go!" The golden mech slammed the door, annoyance driving into Sideswipe over their bond. He knew how to watch over a bunch of sparks that didn't need anything from him.

Glaring at the closed door, Sideswipe considered ignoring his brother's demand, but a small part of his spark fluttered desperately at the thought of seeing Proxy. With a defeated vent, he started looking for the femme. It would be so much easier if she would simply open her bond with him.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sitting contentedly on her berth, Proxy watched in her minds optic as Ruby checked on each of the newsparks, giving short reports on their posted readouts. All of them were happy and healthy, nothing to worry about.

The absence of her companion symbiote made Proxy feel strange. She wondered how she had managed without the little femme for so long; her thoughts were all over the place and sometimes just seemed to stop randomly. She couldn't focus on any one thing for more than a few breems; except for the images of the newsparks Ruby provided her, and one other thing.

Deciding she needed something to do with her hands, the femme hopped off her berth and began searching the room for something suitable to comply with her only other stable thought. Her search went on for some time before she came across a small box of what had once been Aurian's possessions. Sideswipe had thought she might like them, even if she wasn't Aurian anymore. 'They're still yours,' he had said as he left the box sitting on a shelf.

A glimmer of satisfaction came into her optics as she spotted one small item that would work perfectly for what she wanted. Snatching up the small, old, energon stained knife, the femme returned to her berth and began twisting around until her left leg lay in her lap at an awkward angle. With a single-mindedness that felt beyond her capacity at the moment, she began digging into the hard metal of her leg, just below her knee.

So focused on this new task, and the images in her mind, the tapping at her door hardly registered, her response coming automatically. "Come on in," she offered distractedly.

The door opened, admitting hesitant footsteps to cross the threshold, but still Proxy paid it no mind.

"What are you doing?" Well, that wasn't how he had intended to start this conversation. Sideswipe stood watching the femme dig at her leg with an old, human-made knife, uncomprehending of what she could possibly be doing.

"Nothing," she responded absently.

"It's not nothing!" He hurried forward to make sure she wasn't actually harming herself, only to see an image was becoming apparent as she etched away at the metal of her leg. At first, he didn't quite understand what it was, but as he studied it – even at this incomplete stage – he recognized the Autobot faction marker coming into being. "What made you decide to do that? There are easier ways." The next thing to register to him was the knife the femme was using to etch the image with. It was one Aurian had carried quite often after he had dragged her into battle oh so long ago, the same one she had used to fight back against a Decepticon so very much larger than herself. The memory made his frame sag, the loss of the human still stung his spark; even if Proxy was her incarnation, it didn't take away the fact that he had not been able to save Aurian.

"I wanted to," Proxy unwittingly interrupted his thoughts as she answered. "This seemed good enough."

The fact that she was speaking to him at all made Sideswipe feel a little more at ease. He had been so sure he would come here to be locked out and ignored completely. "So, you've decided to join us, huh?" He tried to sound aloof, but his nervousness was shining through like a ray of light piercing darkness.

"Decided that a long time ago," she mumbled as she dug at a particularly stubborn line. "Just never really got a chance to say anything."

"Oh." The mech shifted a little as he continued to watch the femme. Another oddity struck him as he looked her over. "Where's Ruby?"

"Out."

"Where?"

"Out."

"Don't you need her?"

"She won't be gone long, I'll be fine." The femme grunted as the tip of the blade snapped from the force she was putting behind it. "Slag."

"Why don't you let me help you?" He moved forward to follow through with the offer, but her odd optics glared at him darkly, warning him not to come any closer.

"Nobody knows what I want but me. I will take care of it myself."

Sideswipe was very aware of the underlying message in the femme's words; 'I don't need you.'

"Proxy...I'm sorry, okay? I know what we did wasn't right, and I'm really sorry about it, but we thought it was for your own good." He dared to move forward, within reaching distance, but wisely kept his hands to himself. "Please, please, find it in your spark to at least forgive me for wanting to protect you."

Proxy continued to glare for another breem before the tension seemed to leave her frame. "I'm still angry with both of you." She moved slightly, inviting Sideswipe to sit beside her. The mech was quick to take the offer, his spark accepting even that small amount of give from the femme. "I love them," she continued. "More than anything, I love them. It's not a program; it's not some sleeper protocol." Her voice had a very distinct growl to it, but she did not raise her tone as she spoke. "You have no right; none of you have the right to keep me from them."

"I know that," the mech bowed his head, unwilling to meet her optics. "I never wanted to keep you from them, I just wanted to make sure you were okay...I know your spark longs for them, I've felt it."

The sudden weight against him made the mech look over at the femme. She had slid up beside him, tucking her head against his arm as her frame sagged against him. With a sharp pulse of his spark, he reached out to her over their bond and found that she was willing to let him in. He shifted so that she was fully against him, letting her head come to rest against his chest plate and wrapping his arm around her protectively.

She was happy to be close to him again, even if she was still hurt by his actions; knowing that he was regretful, that he hurt knowing he had caused her strife, she found she wanted to be close to the mech.

They stayed that way for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence.

Sideswipe was beginning to think that things were going to be all right, when he felt the femme suddenly pull away from him, and then a leg was firmly planted on his lap. Looking over at her, he found Proxy had a somewhat mischievous smile plastered on her face.

"Well?" She asked expectantly.

"Well what?"

Nodding at her leg, she held up the broken blade she had been using. "Mine is kind of useless now, are you going to help me or not?"

With a soft chuckle, and a wave of pure joy shared over their bond, the mech drew one of his own small energon blades, modifying the amount of energy pulsing through it to serve his purpose better, and set to work. He knew the image Proxy was creating on her leg well enough. He had studied that same image often enough when it had graced the soft flesh of Aurian herself.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sunstreaker leaned back in his seat, rubbing one hand gently over the cranium of the small feline 'bot nesting on his knee. He missed Ruby, he realized. The cat-'bot had been a silent companion to him for a short time, but it had been long enough for him to appreciate her.

"So, you think they've kissed and made up yet?"

The femme trilled her affirmative.

"Good." He rubbed her head again, flicking one of the strange protrusions softly. "I was tired of his moping."

A quiet grinding came from the cat-'bot, expressing her own satisfaction that the tension in her host would be reduced.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; forgiveness_

_ Sideswipe's guilt and regret was thick, like sludge in our bond. I couldn't just keep ignoring him, it felt...wrong. I was still angry that they had been the ones to enforce the order – I suppose I probably would be until I was allowed to go back to my sparklings._

_ My...sparklings..._

_ Mine._

_ Gods, they were mine._

_It hit me like a two-ton weight: those sparklings were mine. Sideswipe didn't seem surprised at all when I shared the revelation with him; apparently, he and Sunstreaker had come to that same conclusion while I had been held captive in the med bay...and they were still keeping me from them?_

_ Sideswipe said it was Ratchet's orders. He said that he would change it if he could. He said that Sunstreaker was watching over the newsparks now, and between the two of them nothing would ever happen to them._

_ He also said that sometimes, orders were meant to be broken._

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	117. Journal Entry 117

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; defying orders_

_ There's always a catch..._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey! Hey you...uh...Proxy!"

The femme stopped at the call, for a moment considering whether or not to ignore it and keep on her way to the nursery – where she would do what she had to in order to get inside – or to heed the small human that was calling out to her and see what he wanted. Deciding that ignoring the human wouldn't do anything but cause more trouble, she turned to look at him.

"Yes, Major Lennox?"

The man came to stand a few feet from the femme; she was far smaller than most of the 'bots on base, but still stood a few feet taller than him. "Call me Will."

"Okay, what can I do for you, Will?"

"Well, see, I wanted to actually come and introduce myself to you. I know things haven't been exactly easy for you since you got here. Ratchet said you were having some health problems and all, but since you're up and around now, I thought maybe you'd like to meet some of the humans around here?" He looked hopefully up at the femme.

In truth, Will had a good notion of where the femme was headed. Ratchet had given him a little more of an explanation than 'health problems', but the information had been entrusted to him to help explain why the femme was so odd compared to the others. Well, other, now that Arcee was the only one left from the original trio. He was hoping to coax the femme away from trouble by entertaining her with the curious humans she had yet to be properly introduced to, due to her circumstances. Not to mention he was hoping to stave off some of the harsher notions about the femme on the human's part. Her behavior had done little to endear her to most of the soldiers on base.

Proxy grumbled something beneath her breath that sounded on the verge of promising the resident CMO painful repercussions later. "My health is my own concern."

"Of course it is!" Will looked distinctly fearful that he had stepped too far over the line. "That's not what I really wanted to focus on here..."

"I know. Introduction. It was very nice to formally meet you Will, but I have somewhere to be." The femme turned away from the human, fully intent on returning to her sparklings, but Will had other ideas.

"Proxy, you know that this is a military base, and orders are applied to all that live here, right?"

Turning back to the human, Proxy's eyes squinted to a dangerous glare. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's supposed to mean that I know you've been restricted from the nursery."

The urge to kick the human was very strong, but the icy chill that ran through her entire frame with the mere thought froze any action she may have taken: the image of a large metal foot coming at her, explosions of pain, and then nothing.

"Proxy?" The human's voice drew her back from the memory; his hand on her arm startled her. When had he come so close? "Are you okay? Do I need to call for Ratchet?"

"I'm fine," she said softly as her frame relaxed from the sudden stiffness that had taken over her.

"Was that a glitch?"

"No!" Proxy responded sharply, then, after a moment of looking at the concerned human watching her, she vented. "Yes. Ruby has been gone for a while now; I guess my glitches are starting to resurface."

"Ruby?" Will noticed the lack of red smearing the femme's head, and then remembered the small robot that had come off of Proxy's head before. "Oh, where is...Ruby?" He didn't know for sure if the 'bot was male, female, or either. All he did know about it was that it was a symbiote to Proxy, and that – oddly enough – it shared the pet name Aurian had bestowed upon her red laptop.

"She's...around."

The slight shift of the femme's optics gave Will a pretty good idea where the symbiote had gotten off to. "Are you going to be okay without her?"

"Yes, for now. As long as nothing triggers my glitch."

"What does that? Triggers your glitch, I mean."

Proxy vented, realizing she wasn't going to get rid of the human any time soon. She did have to admit, she liked the idea of talking with the man, if only he wasn't being yet another thing coming between her and her sparklings. "Memory files that are not connecting properly, as best as Ratchet can explain it to me. They trigger moments when I can't quite process, confusing many of my systems...and me, to be honest. It's like two beings in my head trying to talk at the same time, but only one can get through."

"That sounds uncomfortable."

"It is," she admitted softly.

A loud whistle in the distance indicated someone wanting Will's attention. He glanced back, and waved, motioning that he would be there in a moment. "That's Rob," he explained easily.

"I recognize Chief Master Epps."

"Ah...well, he would like to get to know you too. Come on, you can spare an hour or so to humor us, can't you?"

Proxy thought about it for a while; Aurian had plenty of memories of both men and how kind they had been toward her. They were friendly and seemed to know how to have a good time when it was needed. She longed to know them as well as Aurian had. It was a struggle to overcome her driving need to ignore them both and go to the nursery, instead. However, the small, rational part of her told her that would not go over well with anyone, and would only serve to further restrict her from them. "Okay, for a little while, I guess."

"Good!" The major lightly punched the femme's arm. He would have hit her shoulder, but the height difference made that a little awkward. "The guys will be happy to have you around!"

Perhaps 'happy' was a less than accurate description.

"What is she doing here?" one of the soldiers whispered to another as he watched the femme and the major pass by.

"She's not going to tear up more stuff, is she?" another asked.

Proxy heard the uneasy conversations as she passed by, but she ignored them in favor of holding up her own conversation with Will. The man was interesting, and after only a breem of speaking with him, they had fallen into a comfortable role with each other. It was as if they had known each other for a very long time. Proxy would be the last to tell the man that feeling was in a sense very true.

For his part, Will couldn't help but like the odd femme; she reminded him of someone, but he was having a hard time placing the familiarity. He was content in just knowing that she wasn't really as crazy as she appeared to be, and that she had nothing but good intentions in her heart...spark...whatever. It was strange that, if he didn't look at the femme, he almost forgot he was even talking to a Cybertronian at all. Even when he was talking to Ironhide – as good of friends as they had become – Will never forgot that his buddy was a giant alien robot, but Proxy was different. Every time he looked at her, he expected to see a human woman walking beside him, not a nine foot tall robot protoform.

"Why haven't you taken on an alt mode like all the others?" He finally asked. The question had plagued the humans from the moment someone had pointed out the femme was 'naked'.

Proxy shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I haven't seen anything in my size that I really like. Motorcycles are nice, but not really for me. It's not like I need something right now anyway; I won't be going anywhere any time soon."

"Still, wouldn't you be more comfortable? The others seem like they can't wait__ to have an alt mode." Will led them to a comfortably sized room where they would be given some privacy, but any that were interested could come and join them. Rob was already happily seated at a table with a few other soldiers. They all waved at the newcomers, doing their best to hide their wary expressions at the femme's presence.

"I...uh...really can't say I know. I've never had an alt mode."

All of the humans appeared stunned at this revelation.

Proxy shifted on her feet a little, feeling awkward now that she was at the center of such strange looks. "I mean, I just got this frame, as you know, because my other frame was...I mean I wasn't...it wasn't built for it..."

"What about before that?" Epps spoke up, breaking his own stare enough to jostle the others into doing the same. "That rickety old frame couldn't have been your original one, could it? I thought you guys were built better than that."

"Oh, they...we...are, but I was...different. Still am, I guess." She felt she couldn't be more different than the other Cybertronians. They even treated her differently than they did each other – though she suspected that was because none of them really knew what to do with her.

Beachcomber had been nice enough, he never tried to make her learn or do anything, but even he had an air about him that made her feel different. It was like he thought her young and fragile, so he wouldn't talk about anything that was 'too scary', or 'too depressing' with her.

Mirage and Bluestreak tended to treat her like trouble in the making.

First Aid, Jolt, and Wheeljack all treated her like some untold curiosity.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were over-protective, Ratchet was overbearing, and Optimus...well, Optimus did treat her like the others most of the time, but there was that look in his optics that said he knew something about her that she might not even know.

Jazz was a good friend to her, but even he acted different around her, never raising his voice, never making any sudden moves; he was always soft and gentle with her, no matter what she did, like she was some scared animal to be handled with great care.

Perceptor...she didn't even want to think about the nosy little scientist. She was pretty sure he thought of her more as something to study rather than someone to know.

Seaspray avoided her, generally speaking. He wasn't unkind when he was near her, but he was obviously uncomfortable with her. Arcee was much the same story, though there was still a large amount of distrust from the other femme.

Grapple was so busy trying to reconstruct the whole base that she hardly even counted the mech among those she interacted with.

Ironhide was protective, but busy – he didn't really have time to spend with the young femme and it showed in their _lack_ of relationship. He had been overly grateful when she had delivered news of Chromia's imminent arrival, and had even laid a hand on her shoulder in a small gesture of affection, but past that, the mech had really yet to acknowledge her aside from making sure she came to no harm when he was around.

The younger twins, well, they didn't treat her differently, but that was probably because they welcomed anyone who didn't try to drive them off the moment they showed their faces. They were fun to run around with, good for entertainment.

There was only one other mech she had yet to meet personally, his loyalty to his own duty kept him close to his charge – who was currently under very tight lock and key from his caretakers.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Will interrupted her thoughts, which she realized had spiraled away from her current place and time.

"Oh, yes, sorry. Just...thinking." She waved her hand in a very dismissive kind of way.

"So, what's your story?" Rob asked, leaning forward on the table.

"My story?"

"Yeah," one of the other soldiers agreed – the man looked very familiar, and had a heavy accent that she couldn't quite place. Humans had so many different ones; even Aurian's memories didn't help all the time. "All the other 'bots have a story; you know, who they were, where they came from...what's yours?"

Proxy seemed to wither under the question. "I don't have a story...not really."

"You know," Rob spoke up again, "your eyes give you away. You've got something to tell, lady. Spill it."

The femme's optics grew wide and she took a step back as if she intended to run. "I...I really..."

"It's okay," the soldier with the accent – Jack, she recalled the man's name was Jack Martin – offered softly. "We don't want to make you say anything you don't want to. We just want to get to know you, like we know the others. We're all partners here, aren't we?"

"Y-yes, I suppose so...it's just that...I really don't have anything much to tell about myself. I onlined on the Decepticon ship with Wheeljack staring down at me, and then Sunstreaker was there...and then we escaped and came here. There isn't much else to say," aside from the fact that she was the incarnation of the woman they had lost to those same Decepticons.

"So, what? You're just a few months old?" The other, still unnamed, soldier asked confusedly.

All of the other Autobots had been able to claim age beyond the beginning of the Earth its self. Even Bumblebee, the youngest amongst their ranks. It was beyond strange to consider this one femme being so incredibly young by comparison.

Proxy shrugged. "In a way. It's really more complicated than that, but I just don't think it's appropriate. I'd rather not talk about that."

"Sure," Will agreed easily, glancing at the others to ensure they wouldn't press the issue any further. "How about we move on to something else; like – what do you plan to do now that you're here?"

With another shrug, the conversation began in earnest, the humans offering helpful advice and taking note of the newly carved Autobot symbol on the femme's leg. They talked until well after the sun had vanished beyond the horizon, and the humans had to retreat for their beds.

Rob was the last to move toward the exit, he waited until the others were gone before he turned back to the femme. "Hey, just a thought; you might want to get some kind of sunglasses, or something to cover those eyes of yours; they show everything about you as clear as the dictionary." He smiled as a look of surprise came over the femme. "Oh and...Aurian's tattoo looks good on you." With that, the man left. He wasn't really sure what he thought of the mark on the femme; she was a pretty amazing creature – especially for being only a few months old...but she did remind him so much of the human he once knew, he couldn't help but to entertain a few 'out there' fantasies about how the femme had come into being right about the same time Aurian ceased to exist. Some coincidences were just too creepy to consider.

Proxy felt a jolt of fear run through her at the man's words. She hadn't realized where the image she had felt so compelled to carve into her metal surface had come from, only that she knew it was right for her. It was yet another of Aurian's memories resurfacing, and now it was there for everyone to see. "Slag," she grumbled. How was she going to fix this? Removing the image would be easy enough, but she felt a pang of regret thinking of it. She really liked the mark, just as it was. Was it worth risking people making that connection to her?

Running one hand over the fresh mark, she decided that it was there to stay, but perhaps she could find a way to make it a little less conspicuous.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe studied the sky as he leaned against the small building. Well, small to him at least. For the humans, it was pretty decent sized. It was big enough for Proxy to move about easily.

When he had come back from his shift to find the femme nowhere to be found, he had almost panicked; even Sunstreaker said she hadn't tried to get into the nursery – where they were both so sure she would have gone – but a few humans had passed by, mentioning how odd it was for the unstable 'bot to be hanging out with some of the upper ranked humans in one of their own recreational rooms. When he had questioned them about her, they had pointed him in the right direction, asking him if he thought she was safe to be around. His answer had been rather sharp, and indignant; how could they even suggest Proxy would hurt one of them? Then again, she had attacked many of the 'bots, but that was circumstantial; they didn't have the whole story.

"Hey," Sideswipe was startled by the voice beside him, "you looking for Proxy?" Rob had come to stand beside the silver twin.

"No."

"Really? Huh, cause it sure looks that way."

Sideswipe glanced over at the human, trying to gauge anything off of his presence about how the interaction between the humans and the femme had gone. "She cause any trouble?"

"No, not at all. Actually, I think we probably caused her more discomfort than anything."

"What?"

"Don't worry, big guy, she's fine. We had a nice chat is all." Rob thought for a moment over the things they had talked about, and about the odd familiarity he felt toward the young alien. "She's a real sweetheart, you know? A lot of the guys thought she was some messed up psychopath, but she's really just a little mixed up."

Sideswipe nodded. "Yeah, she's something special, that's for sure."

"Yeah," Rob agreed. "You know, some humans believe in reincarnation. If I dared to say so, I'd think she was Aurian reincarnated to keep watch over those little newsparks you guys have."

The front-liner twin felt frozen at the wistfully stated thought. It had taken him, and Sunstreaker both, to feel Proxy's bond to bring them to realization. The humans had no such thing, just observation and something they called a 'gut feeling' to go on, and yet Rob had so easily come to the truth of Proxy's existence.

"Maybe that's just wishful thinking," the man shrugged. "Either way, I think she could do a lot of good around here...if she can keep herself together long enough to do it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Rob held his hands up in a placating gesture. "Those glitches of hers. She had a few while we were talking, they're creepy. It's like she's suddenly not there anymore."

"Oh," tension left the mech with the explanation. "Yeah, Ruby normally helps her with that."

"Where is that little 'bot anyway?"

"Hanging out with Sunstreaker in the nursery."

"Why?"

"Because Proxy can't, so Ruby is standing in."

"Oh."

The two stood for a while; Rob contemplating the strangeness of all of it, Sideswipe trying to come to grips with the fact that the humans were seeing Aurian in Proxy also, until the femme appeared.

She seemed to be walking in a daze as she emerged from the building, looking all around before drifting in a direction opposite of Sideswipe and Rob.

"What is she doing?" Rob asked. He had seen the femme glitch out a few times, but it had never looked quite like that. She almost looked to be following something that they couldn't see.

"I don't know," Sideswipe reached out to the femme over their bond, trying to get some answer from her, but found the bond open, but empty. There was nothing there for him to perceive. 'Sunny, we need Ruby.'

'Proxy's glitching again, isn't she?'

'Yeah, how...'

'Ruby just went offline, and I can't get her to come around.'

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_"Who are you?"_

_ ~Oh, you know us child. We are one.~_

_"One? Is that what I should call you?"_

_ ~Call us One, call us All, call us anything you like; we are you.~_

_"Me?"_

_ ~Yes.~_

_"...I feel like I've had this conversation before..."_

_ ~In another life, perhaps.~_

_"Hmmm. Well, what is it you want, then?"_

_ ~Nothing much. We have simply come to...check...on you, child, and our children.~_

_"_My_ children."_

_ ~We are you, you are us, they are ours.~_

_ "They are _mine_!"_

_ ~Your aggression is misplaced, little one.~_

_ "What are your intentions?"_

_ ~We have no current intentions other than to see our children survive. To ensure that you have survived...we promised to keep you safe.~_

_"I don't need you to keep me safe!"_

_ ~This is true, for now. You do have your guardians, and they do take their duties seriously. However, that may not always be the case, little one, we intend to be sure that you survive.~_

_"I get the feeling you've promised that before...and you failed."_

_ ~We have not failed; you were not destroyed, simply...transformed.~_

_"And you consider that 'keeping me safe'? No wonder Cybertron died."_

_ ~We could not save the planet, but our children __we can save.__ All is not lost, it is simply time to start over.~_

_"Start over how? You won't do anything to my sparklings, One! I will destroy you first!"_

_ ~You cannot destroy us, we are you and we are them. We are everything and nothing. We are eternal.~_

_ "We'll see about that!"_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	118. Journal Entry 118

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; arguing with yourself_

_ Turns out that when you argue with yourself people think you're crazy. Maybe they're right?_

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Proxy, what's wrong with you?" Sideswipe held the trembling femme close to him. He had followed her from the human building, curious to see what had her so fully distracted, only to be taken by surprise when she started screaming and tearing at her own plating. Her end of their bond was full of hatred and violence, something had set her off but she was far too consumed by it to tell him what it was. Now she just keened softly and trembled in his arms. "Proxy, please, talk to me."

It seemed as though his begging fell on deaf audios. Nothing he said, nothing he did, nothing he pushed through their bond drew any reaction from the femme. It terrified him.

"What happened?" Ratchet finally reached them, pulling Proxy away from Sideswipe's frantic grip.

"I don't know! She just..." he waved his hand at her as if that would explain everything. "She won't answer me!"

It took Ratchet only one look and half a scan before he realized what was missing. "Where's Ruby?"

"With Sunstreaker, he's bringing her." Sideswipe paced nervously around the medic and the trembling femme in his care. In his spark, he knew something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what. The boiling rage that still filled him from her spark was unreal. Even when she had been furious about being banned from the nursery, he hadn't imagined her anger to be this violent. The fact that she wasn't lashing out was even more fearsome. She was so far entrenched in the blinding anger that she couldn't even function.

Ratchet couldn't fathom the reason for the femme and her symbiote to have separated, but he could clearly see the severity of the current situation, which was only magnified when Sunstreaker arrived with the limp cat 'bot in his hand. The front-liner tipped the small symbiote into Ratchet's waiting hands, a rare look of pure worry on his face.

"She just...laid down..." the mech sounded traumatized by the event: like he couldn't believe it had happened right in front of him. "She won't come back online."

This was definitely a problem. As far as the CMO could tell, it looked like his worst fears were coming to pass; without Ruby to balance her functions, Proxy was rejecting her frame; and without Proxy's support, the symbiote was falling victim to the dependency developed when they had joined. What was he going to do? "If she doesn't calm down soon, this is not going to end well," he muttered aloud. It was partially for his own audios; a voice to get him moving, and partially for the twins' sake so they at least had a glimmer of what was happening before their optics.

"How do we calm her down?" Sideswipe stopped his nervous pacing and stood over the femme, looking for something, anything, to do that would help.

"I don't know!" Ratchet vented harshly. "Without Ruby, I don't know how to stop this cycle. If she were a normal 'bot, I'd just put her in stasis, but she still processes even then!"

"What happens if she doesn't calm down?" Sunstreaker's voice was far calmer than his twin's, but still colored with deep worry.

The medic scrubbed at his face, seeking some solution to this current situation. The others were on their way out, all manners of emergency equipment being hauled with them, but he wasn't entirely sure _what _could be done. "Most likely?" He felt his spark bottom out as he prepared to give his most logical diagnosis. "She will deactivate."

"No!" Sideswipe was on the ground, Proxy once more in his arms. "You can't let that happen! Not again!" The fear and desperation punctuating his voice felt like hot, energon-infused daggers to Ratchet. He knew what would happen to Sideswipe if he lost Proxy, it wouldn't be pretty.

As the others began clamoring around, attaching every sort of monitoring and stabilizing device they could to the still trembling femme, hopes began to waver deeper into the darkness of despair. The more they tried to help her, the worse Proxy got.

A low rumble was the only warning anyone got before Sunstreaker started attacking. The mech was thrust into a berserker rage by the violent anger from Proxy, mixed with the desperation and fear from his twin. He had to protect his siblings and these 'bots were in the way: hurting them. He would not, _could_ not stand for it.

"Sunstreaker, no!" Jolt attempted to stop the berserk mech as he tossed Perceptor a great distance away, the smaller mech landing in a tangle of his own limbs. "We're just trying to help!"

The blue medic only received a vicious snarl of pure anger as the golden twin pinned him to the ground, a fist smashing his face. A few more blows were delivered before the berserker was gone to attack another.

"Back off!" Ratchet was attempting to save his comrades from the over-stimulated front-liner, but found little luck as the mech turned on him next.

Sideswipe was oblivious to the sudden war that had exploded around him. The only thing he knew, the only thing he saw was Proxy, quivering in his arms as he urgently reached out to her through their bond only to be lashed at by the fervent fire of her anger.

"Proxy," he whispered in her audios, hoping beyond hope she would hear him. "Proxy, please, don't leave me. Not again. I won't survive losing you again. I need you..." A shiver passed through him as hopelessness sank into his frame.

He felt Sunstreaker's blind fury, his overwhelming protection, but that was in the distance. Thousands upon thousands of miles away from where he sat in an oblivious silence with the only thing that existed to him. How was he going to make this all right? How was he supposed to save her from herself? Without their bond, he was just as useless as any other 'bot around them.

As if light itself had ceased to exist, Sideswipe felt the darkness of despair closing in around him. There was nothing he could see past the femme in his arms; and that was when he knew what he had to do to save her.

Ironhide and Seaspray had joined in the fray, tag-teaming Sunstreaker to give the medics a chance to do what they had to do, or get away: whichever was more important to them at the time. Still, the golden mech managed to defeat any attempts to get near his twin, and subsequently, Proxy.

It took several breems, with Jazz and Optimus joining in, and the momentary lapse in Sunstreaker's offensive defense, before anyone got close enough to see what Sideswipe had done.

"Primus," Wheeljack vented in surprise, "he's..."

First Aid was the next to spot the discrepancy. "He's interfacing with her!"

"Oh, this is so not good..." Jolt could practically feel the wave of horrible side effects of interfacing with a glitching femme hit him straight in the chest; of course, that could have also just been the feeling returning to him after Sunstreaker's last pummeling. He couldn't really be sure which.

It was Ratchet that was finally able to get close to the pair: Sunstreaker being held at bay between Ironhide's mass and Jazz's skills. What he found on his scans was baffling. "They're stable..."

Proxy's frame had stopped quaking, her systems seemed to be cooling, and her spark was coming back to a normal pulse again; whereas Sideswipe seemed to be in a semi-recharge state, there was nothing alarming coming back on his scans either. Looking back, Ratchet could see that Sunstreaker's rage was likewise diminishing. "Lets get these two back to the med bay; and get Sunstreaker somewhere he can come to his senses."

"Already on it," Ironhide had a good grip on the less violent front-liner, there was no way he was going to let go; however, he couldn't help but to look at the other twin and that strange femme. His spark twisted in funny ways seeing them as they were, like something was painfully amiss, but no one could see it. "Come on, youngling." The older mech bodily shoved the younger warrior in the direction he wanted him to go. Sunstreaker didn't put up much of a fight, but there were still remnants of his feral berserker lingering in his processor, making itself known through growls and half-sparked punches directed at the weapons specialist.

Ratchet took a moment to take stock of the battered mechs around him. All of the medical 'bots were there, looking worse for wear; including Wheeljack. Jazz had a few rough dents and scuffs, but appeared otherwise unaffected by the whole debacle, and Ironhide looked much the same, even as he moved away. Seaspray looked more angry than harmed and was more than willing to leave the scene to the medics.

It was Optimus who caught the CMO's attention the most.

The Autobot leader was unharmed, hardly a dent to be seen, but his expression – his entire frame – screamed of something untold and depressing. The mech seemed to be seeing through them all, and what he saw was condemnable.

"Optimus?"

Snapping out of his sightless vision, Optimus stood tall, shaking the apprehension from his frame. "Will they be all right?"

"I...can't say just yet, but they don't seem to be in danger of offlining right now. Are you okay?" The medic, and every other medical 'bot in the area, scanned their leader for any diagnosable ailments, but found nothing that would cause this sudden onset in the mech.

With a sharp nod, Optimus turned from the group, his eyes fixing determinedly on the nursery. "Contact me should either of them become aware." He didn't wait for an answer; his spark demanded that his frame follow through with his processor's thoughts, and with so much of him in agreement, there was no arguing.

"Do we separate them?" Jolt interrupted Ratchet's thoughts.

"No!" The CMO's focus was returned to the slumped front-liner and the femme held tightly in his arms. "Whatever he has done has probably saved her life. Let's not risk undoing that until we know for sure what needs to be done."

"Moving them like this won't be easy," First Aid pointed out, pushing slightly on Sideswipe's shoulder to show just how unmovable the mech was. "Maybe we should just treat them here; we can make a temporary shelter."

Ratchet nodded. "That sounds like a good idea."

"I'm on it!" Wheeljack offered, trotting away before any further instruction could be given.

Despite his reputation, those that knew Wheeljack knew that he was far more often successful in his endeavors than what he was given credit for. It just so happened that his failures were so spectacular that they demanded widespread attention. They trusted the mech to find them a suitable solution for their current need.

Jolt inspected the area of Proxy's head where Ruby had been joined with her; there was no damage to the area, and there were no obvious openings – if a 'bot didn't know the femmes were so connected, they would never guess by looking at them separately. "What do you think triggered this?"

"I don't think we'll find an easy answer to that," Ratchet vented as he joined the younger medic in his investigation of the femme. "My best guess would be that without Ruby to help her, that glitch we had seen previously resurfaced, only far worse this time."

"You don't think she'll actually reject her frame, do you?"

"Let's just do our best to avoid that."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Where are you?" Sideswipe looked around, confused by what he was seeing. "Proxy?" There were all forms of 'bots in their various alt modes as far as his optics could see, aside from where a strange human structure obscured his view. Everything seemed to be in motion; a constant, tumultuous, shifting – yet nothing moved at all. His processor couldn't handle it. It made his tanks churn and his sensors scream that he was constantly being bombarded by other bodies, while he was standing free and untouched. He couldn't tell what was up or down, or if he was standing or falling.

His internal communication lines buzzed with a constant roar of conversation he couldn't hear, that he had no part in but felt like some form of buffer between others. "Proxy!" He called out for the femme again as he seemed to lose his arguable grasp of gravity in this world and tipped over, though he still wasn't sure he was actually falling; maybe he was floating?

"I am here," her voice floated on the air; heard and not heard all at once. "Try to focus on me, Sideswipe. I am right beside you."

"Where?" He looked, needing something he knew he could trust in this strange realm of unreal realities. He could actually _see_ the lack of anything, as if nothingness itself had become observable; like a void, yet not so definable. It was as if his optics were seeing something while his processor was deleting the image.

"Here." He felt a soft touch, like a ghost on his leg. "Focus on only me. I am here, and I'm not going anywhere."

Struggling against the silent sounds of roaring conversations he couldn't hear, the upside-down gravity, and the constant motion of non-moving bodies, Sideswipe was finally able to spot the femme kneeling over him.

"See?"

"How can I see anything in all this mess?" The mech couldn't hide the relief in his voice, nor did he truly want to. "Primus, femme; I thought I'd lost you."

"Nah," the femme took the mech's hand in both of hers, giving him even more stability. "I'm here for the long haul, I promise. I'm just having some...issues with an unwanted tenant."

Using Proxy's hands as an anchor to reality, Sideswipe weighed heavily on the sensation to determine the reality of gravity and the orientation of up and down in this strange world. With great effort, he was able to sit up. "What with who?"

"Oh, just One. It won't leave me alone, claims it's part of me or something. I don't believe it." The femme's optics drew to the slits of a rather vicious glare as she looked around for One. "Funny thing is, I have memories of it, but it doesn't fit those memories very well at all."

"One?"

"Some...I don't even know what to call it. It's a thing...everything, and nothing all at once. It's annoying is what it is."

"Is that what you were so angry about? Before you glitched out?" Sideswipe started looking around for this 'One' being, and regretted it immediately as the distortion of the world around him came rushing back at him.

"I glitched out? Really?" Proxy vented heavily. "I guess I was just so bent on getting One out of here that I didn't even notice. Ruby would have stopped me, but I sent her to be with the newsparks..." Sideswipe watched the rush of panic and fear flood over every one of the femme's features. "Gods! Are they okay? Nothing has happened to them has it? Who's watching them? I'm not getting anything from Ruby anymore! Was there an attack?"

"Whoa, calm down! Nothing's wrong with the newsparks. Ruby went offline when you glitched is all. I'm sure she's fine, Sunny is taking care of her."

In an instant, Sideswipe got the very strong sensation of standing beside his brother, and when he looked, he saw Sunstreaker's alt mode sitting in all its shining glory right beside them. "What?"

"Sunstreaker? Is Ruby all right? What about the sparklings? Are they okay? What's wrong with you?" The femme rattled on one question after another, not waiting for any answer to come before she moved onto the next.

'Sideswipe? What is going on?'

The silver twin felt the words as clearly as he heard them through their bond. It was as if the two were closer than they had ever been for as long as they had been aware of themselves – almost like they were the same spark again. Sunstreaker was confused, alarmed, angry and afraid. There were no barriers, no buffers, _nothing_ between them to filter any of it as it poured right into Sideswipe's spark. For the first time in his entire life, Sideswipe felt Sunstreaker's berserker rage as if it were his own and not as a secondhand backwash through their bond.

"Sunny, you gotta calm down," he spoke harshly as he struggled with his own growing desire to destroy everything around him.

'You're offline! She's offline!'

"We're fine!" His fingers clinched into tight fists, his frame beginning to shake with the effort of stemming the flow of pure need for demolition roaring through his systems. "You heard her, didn't you? And me. We're fine!"

"Sunstreaker, please, tell me what's happened to Ruby!" Proxy was kneeling beside the golden Ferrari, one hand started to brush over his hood softly. "Please, just tell me she's alright? Please?"

The effect was instant. The rage simply stopped and went away, as if a switch had been flipped at the femme's touch. Sideswipe collapsed with relief.

"Sunny?"

'Ruby is...she is with Ratchet. She just laid down...' The sorrow in the mech's voice was piercing, penetrating deeply into both of their sparks.

"It's okay," Sideswipe leaned heavily on his brother's image. It felt so real, and yet not at the same time. It was like he was touching his twin, but deeper than simple physical presence, even deeper than their samespark twin bond, yet like he was touching nothing at all. This was unlike anything he had ever known, and yet felt so real he couldn't even fathom it. "Listen, Sunny; I don't really know where I am, but I'm with Proxy and I'm going to help her out. You have to hold up our promise and keep watch over those newsparks, okay?"

The silence that hung around them was far from uncomfortable; it was more like adjustment, acceptance, and reunion. They were all getting reacquainted with each other on this deeper level, and taking the time to enjoy that connection to one another. It was nothing less than pure relief, like long kept pressure finally being let go.

'Nothing will happen to them,' Sunstreaker finally replied, the words ringing far more like a dangerous challenge to any who would try and cause the newsparks harm than of any kind of acceptance of a simple task.

"Thank you," Proxy breathed the words softly, laying her head against Sunstreaker's hood. "They mean everything to me."

'I know.'

"They mean everything to us too."

Both 'bots currently within the strange world spun at the sound of another voice joining in on their conversation.

A feral snarl ripped from Proxy's vocalizes as she spotted the figure now standing with them. "I told you to get _out_!" She leaped for the creature, determined to smash it out of existence, or non-existence depending on how you looked at it.

Sideswipe, however, made no move at all. He couldn't. Everything inside him was in complete denial of what he was looking at. A human woman. One he knew, though he had only ever seen once. "Sylvia?"

The human avoided Proxy's attempt on her life easily enough, as if she were doing nothing more than avoiding the flailing fists of an upset youngling. "Only in appearance, guardian. This was the image we chose."

"That's the perversion of something that was dear to _me_!" The way Proxy spoke was so strong, so powerfully infused with wrath toward the human; Sideswipe found himself pulling away from her. "You have _no right_! _NONE_! Just as you have no right to be here!"

"We can be nowhere else, little one, we are you."

"You are NOT ME! I am NOT YOU!"

"We are; you are."

_"NO!" _Proxy threw everything she had into her attack, but the human, though much smaller in size; was beyond harm. The femme could not touch her. "Get out! Get out and leave us alone!"

Sideswipe didn't know who to help; the human seemed to be able to protect herself, and Proxy was quickly wearing down from her overly violent attacks, but he felt _wrong_ just standing there.

"Proxy, please stop. You're only hurting yourself." He could hear Ratchet's warning echo through his processor.

_ 'If she doesn't calm down soon, this isn't going to end well.'_

"Do your function, guardian. Your charge will bring herself to the brink of deactivation if you do nothing."

Sideswipe shivered at the warning the human gave him. It was like some dark promise, as if she didn't really care one way or the other.

"You're not even the fake mother you were before! You defile that image with your existence!" Proxy slammed into one of the parked vehicles in her effort to crush the human eluding her. "You're an abomination!"

"We are their last chance at survival," the human countered easily.

"You don't care!"

"We do care, we wish for our children to live."

"You touch them and I will find a way to destroy you! I will! The Pit will not even take you in once I have finished with you!"

Sideswipe couldn't take it any longer. Proxy's rage was like a fire against his plating and his spark. Ratchet's words ringing in his processor pushed him that final step to act. Reaching out quickly as the femme missed the human in yet another overpowered strike, he caught her up and pinned her against him. Her presence was that of molten metal, burning him anywhere she made contact with him, but he accepted the pain as nothing more than mild discomfort. "You have to calm down," he whispered softly to her. "You're hurting yourself."

"That doesn't matter!" She snapped as she fought against his tight hold.

"It does!" He wouldn't allow her to pull away, afraid that if he did, she would sizzle into non-existence forever. "When you hurt, I hurt. Sunstreaker hurts. Ruby hurts. The sparklings hurt." He felt her resistance wane and held her even closer to him. If he could pull her into him, he would have. "We all need you, Proxy. If you keep this up, we'll lose you."

"Don't let her hurt my sparklings, Sides," she whispered softly, her face pressing into the crook of his arm as she gave into the exhaustion consuming her. "They aren't hers!"

Sideswipe looked up at the human that still lingered not too far from them, a very contemplative look on her face. "What is she talking about? What do you intend to do with the newsparks?"

"Nothing, guardian. We simply wish to ensure their safety, to guarantee they will survive to return life."

"Return life to what?"

"All."

"All of what?"

With a shady smile, the woman turned and walked away from them. "One cannot survive without life, life cannot survive without creation, creation cannot exist without all. All are one." Once the human's last word was spoken, she vanished as though she had stepped through some veil of mist and light.

Realization began to dawn on the mech. "That was One?"

Proxy nodded. "It wants my sparklings," she stated weakly. "It wants to use them to 'start over'. She has no right!" She shivered as the heat slowly began to fade away from her frame. "I...I can't get rid of it. It's inside me and I can't get it out."

"Ratchet can fix this," Sideswipe attempted to sooth the femme as a heavy sorrow began to descend on him from Proxy's side of their bond.

"Ratchet couldn't fix it before; I doubt he can fix it now."

"You..." Sideswipe paused as he thought over his words. Proxy had been more than clear that she didn't want to be associated with Aurian, but the truth was as it always would be; she _was_ Aurian. "You were human then, now that you are a 'bot, Ratchet can help you better than he could before. He can figure this out."

"Like the sleeper protocol that keeps me from my sparklings? Like he's figured out why Ruby and I were able to form a symbiotic bond? Like he was able to figure out _our_ bond? Like he figured out that damned anomaly?" Proxy groaned. She wasn't angry with the medic for his failures; she knew it wasn't that simple, but she also held little hope for a solution to her current problem. "He can't help me this time, Sides. I'm going to have to figure something else out."

"How?"

"I don't know."

Something deep inside Sideswipe knew that whatever Proxy was going to do, he wasn't going to like it. "I will help you. We'll all help you. We'll find a way."

Proxy vented softly, sinking into the front-liner's embrace. She felt so safe in his arms. "It's time to wake up now," she whispered.

Sideswipe jerked as he came fully online without warning, his first reaction was to pull the femme in his arms closer, only to find she wasn't there. "Proxy!"

"Sideswipe!"

The blur of bright yellow blocking his vision did nothing to make things less alarming. The constant bombardment of things that made no sense was gone, but its wake left him scrabbling for the sense that was given to him. He knew he was lying on his back, he didn't have non-voices in his head screaming silence at him, he could see – not that he fully understood what he was seeing – and his arms were distinctly empty. "Proxy!"

"Sideswipe, calm down. She's right here, you're still connected." Ratchet scanned the mech, looking for any virus, corrupted data, anything that might suddenly show up now that all of the front-liner's systems were coming back online. "You interfaced with her to help her calm down, remember?"

He reached out, seeking the reality of her metal frame. He needed to touch her, to _know_ she was there. When his hand did finally brush past hers, he felt electricity tingle through his entire arm, causing it to go dead. "Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. Where's Sunny?"

"Ironhide took him somewhere to get his senses back together." There was nothing wrong with the mech, or the femme beside him, that the CMO hadn't already discovered through his scans. "Were you able to communicate with her? Do you know what's troubling her?"

"Yeah, I did, and it's One."

"It's one what?"

"No, _One_ is the thing troubling her."

"What is one?" The itching, icy sensation that crept under Ratchet's plating at the way Sideswipe said such a simple word was very uncomfortable. It was almost like someone talking about the Unmaker in a very casual sense: wrong and terrifying.

"I'm not sure, but I don't really like the way it talked." Sideswipe reached for the femme again once his arm gained some sense back. This time he was able to take up her hand, but he still felt the electricity pulsing through him at the contact. "She's fighting it. You have to help her." Sideswipe dragged himself into a setting position.

Looking at Proxy, he saw a small frown on her face, her optics shuttered slightly too tightly for peaceful recharge, she was tense in every sense. His spark reached out to her, wanting to soothe her, and connected as they were he was drawn past the emptiness of their bond, giving him something in return for his efforts.

"I can't help her if I don't know what it is," Ratchet stated matter-of-factually. "You have to give me more information. What did this..._One_ say, what did it do?"

"It was just suddenly there, saying that the sparklings were important to it. Proxy went haywire on it, but she couldn't _do_ _anything_ to it. It said..." he paused, drawing on his baffling memories trying to remember what the strange human had said. "It said;_ 'One cannot survive without life, life cannot survive without creation, creation cannot exist without all. All are one.'_ Then it just vanished and I came back online." Unable to resist any longer, Sideswipe gathered up the femme beside him and held her as tightly as he could, hoping that his physical presence would serve her as well as his ethereal one had in that strange world. "What does it mean?"

Ratchet's processor felt like it was racing through a million universes all at once trying to make some connection. "All are one?"

"All of it."

"I think..." the CMO couldn't shake the icy chill still trembling beneath his plating, "this one is out of my hands."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; making connections_

_ Okay, let's compile for a minute, shall we?_

_ One was the same creature that had bombarded Aurian with thoughts and notions that ultimately led to her demise; but at that time she was a 'not-mother', a 'doppelganger', something familiar that acted similar to the memories of the image she was hijacking; however, now she was appearing the same, but acting completely different. There was something wrong._

_ I can't get the feeling out of my processor that she's going to do something horrible to my sparklings, and for that alone I will destroy her. Still, there is more to consider._

_ The not-mother didn't make an appearance until after Aurian had touched the Allspark fragment, which made me come to an alarmingly simple conclusion; that pretender – One – _was_ the Allspark. Or, at least, what was left of it anyway. Okay, Aurian had come to that same conclusion, so I guess that's really nothing new._

_ What was bothering me was that the Allspark had been the device that allowed Cybertronians to pull newsparks from...wherever they came from, which explained the whole 'children' thing; all Cybertronians – technically – were One's children. You have no idea how hard that is for me to say right now. At any rate; if they were all One's children, One should – in theory – truly mean she wanted to protect them, to ensure their survival; but I kept having that notion that she had other ideas._

_ The whole thing about 'starting over' gave me nothing but the worst foreboding sensation I can recall ever having. What did One mean by that? Were we simply to start the Cybertronian race anew with the creation of these newsparks? And if that was the case, did One really intend for Earth to be the place we began this new existence? Would that really be fair to the humans that already lived here? I mean, yeah, they had so far accepted the Cybertronian invasion of their planet – though I can't help but to feel that they were really forced into that decision. The Autobots came to help them, but if the humans rejected them from their planet, then they were at the mercy of the Decepticons. What option did they really have? But that's a whole different thing to think about._

_ The fact that One was claiming to be me was a little unnerving, which brought me to my next uncomfortable conclusion; __if__ I was overprotective of the newsparks, it was because One wanted me to be. If I wanted to defeat One, I had to defy it...but I could never hurt them. Never! I loved them too much, and I refuse to believe that is because of One too. So, how was I going to prevent One from __harming them? Or, did One really wish harm upon them? I'm so confused! I don't know what to do!_

_ Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	119. Journal Entry 119

_**Has it been too long? Yes. Does this chapter make up for that? I hope so. Snuggle in and prepare for an epically long; and confusing; chapter! This is the beginning of the end folks! You have questions? Ask now because I intend to wrap up in the next 2 chapters. Yeah, the plan for 120 is overshot a little, but it's okay. I think this story is well worth it. Look forward to another epically long chapter next time, and probably a similarly late update.**_

**ALSO: I was so eager to get this chapter out that it has not been beta-read yet, so...sorry.**

_At any rate, enjoy!  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

"One, where are you? I...want to talk to you."

"Have you finally come to your senses, little one?"

Proxy shifted until she could see the small human standing some distance from her among the many vehicles. The woman seemed to stand in her own personal void; the vehicles around her just moved away, like water parting, like touching this human, One, would somehow corrupt or damage them.

"I never lost my senses, One. I just need to figure out what you're about."

"About?"

"You're the Allspark."

"Yes, and also, no. The item known as the Allspark no longer exists."

The femme was taken aback by such a simple statement. True, she knew that the shards of the Allspark were now gone, meaning that nothing of the original 'Cube' existed anymore, but she hadn't thought of it to just be an item and that One was separate from it.

"'Allspark' is simply a title given to a machine designed for the specific purposes of allowing us to create. We were a part of the machine, but the machine no longer exists, so we are no longer a part of it."

"The...wait...what _are_ you then?"

"We are all, and we are none. We are everything, and we are nothing." The woman smiled softly, but the smile was far from kind. There was something dark, and sinister about it, corrupt.

"What are you talking about? Are you...are you supposed to be Primus?"

"No, we are not the Maker, we are another creation designed to see to the continuation and management of our children. We have watched over our children from the time the first spark pulsed. We have helped them grow, helped them become what they are now."

"You led them to war, I remember you told me that."

"When you were less ours, and more another's, we did inform you of such a misfortune of our guidance. It was not our intention to lead them to war, but it is our intention to ensure they survive beyond this miscalculation."

"Miscal...you...made a mistake that almost destroyed their entire race!"

"As we have said before, that had not been our intention. We failed to consider the true depth of our children's great passions, their beliefs in what was right and wrong."

Proxy could feel her anger rising again, but worked to press it down. Getting angry wasn't going to get her anywhere. "Whatever. Just...tell me what you're plans are. How are we...how are we going to start over?"

The woman smiled wider, though this time it was far more kind. "We are glad you are prepared to listen."

"I'm not making any promises...I just want to know."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry; answers you don't want_

_ I had them now._

_ Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*1*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sideswipe felt drained. Completely, totally, without even the hope of scraping the bottom of the tanks, exhausted. Still he couldn't find recharge. Every time he thought he would find a breem of recharge, he would hear Ratchet warning him that Proxy was in trouble of rejecting her frame, or he would hear One's creepy little speech, or he would hear Proxy's plea to save the sparklings, and he would be back to full awareness again.

"Sides," Jolt wasn't surprised to find the mech still there when he returned to the med bay. The front-liner had been stoically watching over the femme for two orns. No one had made any honest effort to force him to leave; not when there was so much for him to lose. "Here," he handed him a cube of energon, in which the mech took unenthusiastically. "Have you recharged at all?"

"Can't."

"You want something to help?"

"No."

"You need rest."

"Can't, what if she needs me?"

"She's been stable for two orns, Sides. I'm sure she'd be just fine for you to catch a couple joors of recharge." The blue medic scanned the femme only to find her just as she had been. Her processor was active, but all of her other systems were not.

"No."

"Be reasonable."

"I can't." Sideswipe leaned back, his joints creaking as he moved. He was so tired. "I don't want to lose her again, Jolt."

"Again?"

The front-liner groaned miserably, his slip not even registering to his worried and exhausted processor. "I can't function without her, not anymore. I need her."

"Sideswipe, you're exhausted. You won't do her any good running yourself into the ground. Let me give you something to help you recharge; I'll be here, nothing will happen." The young medic was already preparing an appropriate sedative for the front-liner. At this point he was pretty sure that even if Sideswipe said no again, there wasn't much the worn mech could do to stop him.

"I just want her to online, just for a breem and tell me she's okay."

As Jolt had suspected, Sideswipe didn't fight him. Strangely enough for a mech that was uncomfortable around needles, he didn't even twitch when the medic injected the drug. "She'll come online when she's ready. Lay down on the berth," he indicated a berth not far from where Sideswipe currently sat. "You'll feel better when you online."

Sideswipe stood, but instead of going to the berth Jolt had pointed him toward, he crawled onto the berth beside Proxy. The femme was small, and the berth was more than large enough to accommodate them both. He simply couldn't stand the idea of putting distance between them. He wanted to be as close as possible, closer than that even.

Jolt was only slightly surprised by such a bold move by the front-liner, but after the mech's apparent dedication to this femme, he found it made sense. "Recharge well, my friend."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sunstreaker collapsed wearily to the ground, venting hard, trembling with exhaustion, but he felt better. In the two orns Proxy had laid in the med bay, unresponsive, and Sideswipe had stood very strict watch over her, the golden twin was left to himself and his own concerns.

"You're really taking all of this hard." Ironhide had been sparring with the golden twin at every opportunity he was given. It was as much for his own pleasure as it was for the violent front-liner's sake. Sunstreaker apparently had more to burn off than just the initial aggression of his battle rage two orns ago, but whatever kept driving him on seemed to be just as aggressive. "What's got your gears so hot?"

"Nothing." He didn't want to talk, he wanted to fight. He wanted to fight until he _couldn't_ fight anymore, and then he wanted to do it some more. Fighting felt good because it was something he knew, he understood it – maybe a little too well now.

Since the moment he had looked upon the femme in the depths of her rage trying to get to her sparklings, he realized just what others found so fearsome about his own berserker mode. It was terrifying. Sure, there were differences; he was a trained warrior with the power to offline some of the largest 'bots to ever live and she was just a small unarmed, untrained femme that had not offlined a single 'bot she had gone after, but that didn't change the fact that he knew she would have if it had really come down to it. Either that, or would have been destroyed in the process, there was no middle ground for her in that moment. It was either destroy or be destroyed. Wasn't that how he thought too? Wasn't that how he went into every battle? Always knowing that one time he wasn't going to come back, but that never changed how he went in.

Having been on the other side of that rage, he now felt like he had more insight into the way others reacted around him, how they must feel when they were close to him in battle...what they feared would happen. He was just as much the monster they treated him as, he understood that better now then he had ever wanted to.

"That's a bunch of slag," the older mech stood beside his smaller sparring partner, casting a shadow over the golden mech. "Is it Sideswipe?"

"No."

"Proxy?"

"No."

"Then what?" Ironhide usually wasn't one for prying into another's emotional baggage; especially not the front-liner twins – that was more than he ever wanted to deal with – but something about Sunstreaker at that moment made him feel he needed to.

"Nothing. I don't want to talk," the younger mech snapped, climbing to his feet.

The weapons specialist refused to be dismissed so easily. "Is it the sparklings?"

Sunstreaker grew stiff at the mention of them. He was always thinking about the way Proxy fought for them; about his promise to keep them safe, but it wasn't them specifically that he thought about. "No."

Ironhide grabbed the smaller mech by the shoulder, forcing him to turn and look at him; not usually a move someone would make toward the volatile mech and expect to walk away unharmed, but Ironhide was more frustrated than he was cautious. "You need to talk to someone."

"Since when have you gotten to be the 'talking' type?" The golden twin punctuated his statement with a firm brush off of Ironhide's hand. "I said I don't want to talk!" He could feel the need to fight swelling up again, washing away his weariness.

"Obviously you need to, and your brother isn't here to listen," Ironhide growled, sensing the rising tension.

"Sideswipe is _always_ there!" Sunstreaker lashed out at the larger mech, venting his frustrations yet again through physical violence. "_Always!_"

Ironhide responded to the attack in kind, sidestepping, blocking and swinging when appropriate. They were quickly overcome by yet another vigorous match of dodge and blows; every swing growing less friendly and more intent on harming the other. The weapons specialist was doing his best to keep himself reined in, but Sunstreaker pushed him, challenged him, brought him to the limit of his willingness to take a hit rather than harm the younger mech.

Neither one of them was sure at what point it turned serious, but cracks began to show in their armor, energon began to flow and they kept on. It wasn't until Ironhide pulled his cannons in a reflexive response to the attack laid upon him that he realized it had gone too far. What bothered him was the sheer lack of fear from the mech he pointed his weapon at; instead Sunstreaker looked hungry – like he wanted the oblivion the blast would have provided him. Instead of firing, he used the massive weapon as a bludgeon, knocking the front-liner back hard enough to send him sprawling to the ground. Knowing that Sunstreaker would continue if he were to get up again, the larger mech rushed to pin him to the ground.

Sunstreaker growled viciously – though somehow not losing himself to his berserker mode; even he wasn't sure how he was keeping such control over himself, but he didn't like it. He wanted to keep fighting, not to succumb to the weight of his much larger sparring partner, or the exhaustion, or the loss of energon – granted it wasn't much, but when paired up with everything else, it was devastating to his abilities to continue beating on the weapons specialist.

"Get off me!" He snarled, struggling in vain to free himself. He was far too weak now to overcome Ironhide.

"Talk!"

"It's none of your business!"

"It is when you'd rather let me offline you than say what's bothering you!"

Sunstreaker glared, stubbornly silent.

"Fine, keep it to yourself." The large mech hauled the smaller front-liner up to his feet, though he kept a firm grip on him. "You're going to see Ratchet."

"I'm fine," he didn't feel fine, but like Pit he wanted to see Ratchet. He didn't want to see the medic, and he didn't want to see Proxy still laying in some strange stasis arguing with some unknown part of herself, and he didn't want to see Sideswipe hovering over her desperate to help her and knowing he couldn't.

"You're leaking, I won't take no for an answer."

"I don't need a medic, Ironhide!" He struggled again, but Ironhide's grip was far too strong on his weakened frame for him to actually brake free.

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!" Sunstreaker was reaching his breaking point. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? He had thought Ironhide of all mechs would have been happy enough to just beat the slag out of him with no questions asked, but apparently even the war hardened weapons specialist was nosier than he needed to be.

Not willing to argue any further, knowing that would only rise to yet _another_ fist fight with the younger mech, Ironhide simply started dragging the front-liner in the direction he wanted him to go. Sunstreaker struggled against him the whole way, but he seemed to lose his steam the closer to the med bay they got.

"Stop! Stop!" Sunstreaker quit fighting against the mech and instead attempted to simply slow his progress. "Please, Ironhide, stop!"

"Please?" Ironhide could not recall the mech calling out the word in anything that wasn't a condescending tone. "Okay, now I know there is something wrong with you." Fully uncertain now, Ironhide did stop, but he held the younger mech where they stood.

The front-liner turned his face away from the larger warrior, not wanting him to see the shame he had for himself in that moment. Please? Had he really just said that? To Ironhide of all mechs? Yes. "Slag," he growled dejectedly. "I just don't want to see them, okay? I can't...I can't _do_ anything for either one of them and they're both suffering so much. I'm _useless_ and I don't want to see what I can't fix, okay?"

It took a few kliks for everything to start sinking into the older mech's processor. He could easily make the jump to Sideswipe – the silver twin was so distraught over Proxy, and there wasn't a thing that anyone could do; even the medics were at a loss to help the femme – he could only assume the other one must have been Proxy herself. Sunstreaker had been protective of the femme since he had brought her from the science ship some Earth month's ago, so of course he must be affected by her current state too. However, the bit of information that kept going around in his processor without recognition was Sunstreaker's claim that they were both suffering. How would he know if the femme was suffering at all? None of them could know without some direct connection. Sideswipe had made a direct connection... "Is Sideswipe still sensing her? I though Ratchet made sure they were fully disconnected."

"He did," Sunstreaker snarled, finally succeeding in pulling his arm from the larger mech.

"Then how do you know she's suffering?"

"I can just tell! You could too if you looked at her."

Ironhide's suspicions were quickly growing deep. "When did you go see her?"

"I've seen her."

"When?"

"Why does it matter?"

Crossing his large arms over his broad chest, the weapons specialist fixed the smaller defiant mech with a dangerous look. "Did Sideswipe bond with her?"

"No!" Realizing too late that his answer was not only too quick, but too forceful the younger mech tried to make it sound like he was just frustrated; it wasn't too far from the truth, Ironhide would believe it, wouldn't he? _Technically_ neither one of them had bonded with the femme, but his eagerness to discredit any suspicions was going to do nothing but raise more.

No stranger to the twins' deceptions, Ironhide knew right away that he was onto something. "Did you?"

"No!" Again Sunstreaker snarled his answer with a snap, though this time it sounded much more believable. Not that he didn't care for the femme, he did, but that kind of bonding really wasn't something he had ever considered with her – she was far too...much...for him.

"Then tell me, _truthfully_, how you know she's suffering." Ironhide could see the younger mech was not about to forfeit his secrets; not without some form of motivation. "Or, I will drag you the rest of the way to the med bay and tell Ratchet that you're malfunctioning. I'll even give you a nice hole in your armor to keep the medic on you so you can't slip away."

A savage rumble quivered through the front-liner's frame at the threat of more violence. He craved the violence, and the warning was so very tempting; however, the consequence of loosing that battle was more than what he really cared to pay. In his current shape – when even his berserker mode was refusing to kick in – he knew he would fail. "I can feel her," he mumbled through a growl.

Ironhide had suspected as much, but after the fierce denials, he was a little shocked. If neither twin had bonded with the femme, then they shouldn't be able to sense her; of course, they should have never been able to sense a strange little alien femme either, yet they both had – with no doubt of any who had witnessed it. "Feel her? Like you could feel Aurian?"

'No' was the first thing that popped into the younger mech's processor, but the word never made it past his vocalizor. He gave one short nod of his head in answer. 'I'm not _saying_ anything,' he coached himself as Proxy's pleas to keep her secret came rolling through his processor with no humble amount of guilt lashing at his spark in it's wake.

"How?"

Sunstreaker shrugged. He didn't know how it had happened, not really. Only that Proxy had inherited Aurian's bond somehow.

"And Sideswipe?"

Again he nodded, feeling some sort of betrayal for giving into the questions, yet at the same time feeling so much relief for finally telling someone else the burden of his spark.

"Does Ratchet know?"

"I don't know." Sideswipe had made some reference to the medic and their bond, but honestly he couldn't remember if he had said the CMO had learned the truth of it, or if he had just been suspicious. His brother had not been very forthcoming at the time. "Can I go now? Or do you want to stare at me like a freak for a little longer?"

Ironhide hadn't realized that his expression had turned from stern to disbelieving awe until that moment. There were things coming together, making sense that had refused to be made before. He also hadn't really realized just how exhausted his sparring partner had become. Sunstreaker had never been one to show his weariness, or his pain, or anything else for that matter that wasn't pure anger, or violence, or mischief, or contempt. The golden mech looked deactivated on his feet, even his paint seemed duller than it should have been, and his optics held nothing but confusion. "Go get some recharge. Don't bother with your shift tonight, I'll take care of it."

"What? Why?" Sunstreaker was instantly cautious of the offer; was he in trouble? Was Ironhide about to send him to the brig for something he may have (probably had) done?

"You're drained. You need recharge. If you don't get some soon, you'll be in the med bay whether you like it or not, and it won't be because I dragged your sorry aft there."

The younger mech was taken aback by the almost kind tone to Ironhide's lecture. He decided not to push his luck; at the mere mention of recharge all of his systems had started screaming and pleading for him to oblige. So, turning his back on the weapons specialist, Sunstreaker strode off for his quarters – only just managing to keep his feet from dragging for appearances sake.

::Ratchet,:: Ironhide called over a private link to the medic, ::please tell me you know whats going on with the front-liner's, because I think my processor is about to go into meltdown.::

::What happened?:: The CMO's voice was full of concern, possibly even fear.

::Well, let's just start with the most impossible part of it all; Sunstreaker said 'please', and he meant it.::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

He had been wandering the medical wing for two orns, familiarizing himself with the area that he was contained to. He knew every hall, every room, every turn, every imperfection in the walls, floors, and ceiling. He knew exactly how many light sources there were and of what variety. He knew exactly how many panels had been used to create the walls, and how many tiles were in the floor. He knew _everything_ there was to know about this wing down to the finest details, yet he still walked the halls searching.

What was he searching for? He didn't know, or he couldn't remember, whichever it was, it frustrated him to no end. Ratchet said it was a side effect of his reformatting, and that it would eventually go away once his memory files had made the appropriate connections. The medic's assurances, however, did nothing for the 'right now' of his situation.

There was only one way to deal with the frustration that didn't make his processor trip over itself trying to find answers that just weren't there. Logically he knew that he really wasn't looking for anything at all, simply physically working out the process of making the connections in his own processor. It seemed to help as he walked the familiar halls, knowing exactly what he would see and when. So long as he could keep himself in check by rationalizing everything around him, he didn't feel the effects of the reformatting quite so intensely.

"Hey there!" A friendly voice chimed from the hallway that led directly to the central hub between the human side of the base, and the Cybertronian side of the base.

"Hello, Jazz. It is good to see you; however, are you not supposed to be monitoring the security of the base?"

The smaller mech pulled up short at the odd greeting. "How'd ya know that?"

"I accessed the scheduling manifest while trying to determine who would, and would not, be traveling these halls over the next several joors. You were appointed security duty along with Sunstreaker – who has been excused by Second in Command Ironhide due to a concern over functionality."

Jazz made an odd sound of surprise and disbelief. "You really are uh prowler, ain't ya?" The saboteur shook his head, a clear smirk of pure amusement on his face. "Ah was actually just comin' ta check on Proxy before Ah started muh shift."

"The femme's condition has not varied any; she still remains offline with an active process that the medical personnel have not been able to determine the cause or source of. Chief Medical Officer Ratchet is currently attempting to block the process, but last I was informed, it is not proving very successful."

Again Jazz found himself a little offset by the thoroughness of the mech's report. "Yer keepin' pretty close tabs on her, aren't ya?"

The mech nodded. "The femme is the only thing that my processor does not find troubling or confusing. I know and understand her well enough to understand that she is important to me. I can recall memory files of her with no trouble, and can even recall her from before my reformatting...and during..." A look of confusion came over the mech's face as he related the last bit. It didn't make sense that he could recall anything from during his reformatting; his systems had all been in the middle of transition, his processor had been in emergency medical stasis, stopping any opportunity for communication with anyone, yet he could clearly remember the femme speaking to him – and knowing that he was in the middle of his reformatting at the time.

"Hey! Hey!" Jazz was trying very hard to gain the mech's attention. He had just become completely stiff and a soft whine had started emanating from his processor – a sure sign of something not quite right going on. "Prowler! Can ya here meh?"

The mech was able to focus on the voice shouting at him and drag himself from the faulty loop of his processor. The world spun a little, and he lost his balance, stumbling into a wall before his legs gave out.

Jazz was quick to grab the mech, stopping him from collapsing. "Hey, ya alright?"

"Yes," the mech pulled himself together, albeit a little shakily. "My processor is simply having trouble making sense of the communication I had with Proxy during my reformatting – it is illogical."

"Eh," Jazz shrugged, still holding onto the mech to be sure he was steady on his feet. "Logic ain't everythin', Prowler. Ya figure it out."

"Prowler?"

"Yeah. Proxy called ya that once, back before ya got reformatted and decided to abandon yer designation. Ah thought it was kinda fittin' of ya."

The mech pondered the word for a moment, briefly cross referencing it to common human terms and came to a quick conclusion. "Prowler – someone who prowls: to rove over or through in search of what may be found. It does seem fitting of my current state of affairs. However, I believe 'Prowl' is more favorable to 'Prowler'."

"Prowl, huh?"

The mech nodded.

"Alright! Ah like it. Ah'll make sure it get's logged as yer new designation."

"I will have to remember to thank Proxy once she is online for providing me with a suitable designation."

"Ah'm sure she'd love ta know, Prowl." Jazz reiterated the name for the mech to hear, to get used to as a connection to himself. Still, the saboteur did prefer the way 'Prowler' ran through his vocalizor. 'Later,' he thought to himself, 'after he's use ta himself again.' After all, it was only fair that he call Prowl by his own personal nickname, he had one for everyone else and he wouldn't want the reformatted mech to feel left out.

The two mechs turned for the med bay, content to walk in each other's company.

Upon entering they found Ratchet looking as if he were fully engrossed in a rather debated silent conversation while Jolt hovered around completing his tasks with focus. First Aid was watching over Teletran Unknown; several new calls had come in and someone was required to watch the thing every breem of the orn to be sure they didn't miss any one of them.

Jazz felt a moment of walking in on a private moment when his optics finally settled on the femme he had come to see.

Sideswipe was still wrapped around her, deep in his own recharge but with arms holding onto her as if he feared she would vanish.

He quietly approached the berth, Prowl following not far behind. "Hey there lil'lady," he greeted softly, brushing one hand over her shoulder, being careful not to disturb Sideswipe – though he was pretty sure a direct attack from a plasma cannon wouldn't wake the front-liner right now.

"It is highly unlikely that in her current state of stasis she can hear you," Prowl stated as he looked over the smaller mech to the pair curled on the single berth.

"Unlikely, maybe," Jazz kept his voice soft and soothing, "but not impossible. Ya heard her while ya were reformattin', an' that's far less likely."

"That...is a very logical explanation for two very un-logical events." The newly named mech could feel his processor catching again trying to make sense of the comparison.

"Hurts ya head, don't it?"

"Yes."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

'One, two, three, four, five...' Optimus counted to himself for the fifth time this visit. He hadn't taken note of the number of sparklings that had been brought to his base; he – and everyone else at the time – had been far more concerned with preserving them than counting.

'Six, seven, eight, nine...' Something about the whole situation screamed at him; demanded he take action...but what? What was he supposed to do?

'Ten, eleven, twelve...' There was a burning inside of him – an instability he couldn't figure out – that hurt and felt good all at the same time. It was like waking up from a long recharge. He had to work out all the stiffness and grit through the burn of getting everything moving again, but he wasn't quite sure _what_ had awakened, or what he was supposed to do with it.

"Thirteen," he breathed with disbelief. It didn't matter how many times he had counted them over the past two orns, there were thirteen newsparks

The sparks pulsed with a strange rhythm – they would pulse slow and strong for several breems, then they would pause, then they would pick up and beat hard, heavy pulses that thumped loudly in the silence of the nursery for a few kliks, and then return to the slow steady pace once more. There was a haunting rhythm and tempo to it. It was like music, but to a tune he had never heard before.

For two orns now he had come here every opportunity he had to make an attempt to figure out what all of this meant – because he _knew_ it meant something – but he always left knowing nothing more than he had come with.

More than once he had found himself pulling on the strength of the Matrix of Leadership that now rested safely within him, and it had easily and happily obliged him with the willingness to face the daunting questions in his processor, but never did it have any answers for him.

Venting with frustration, he rested his head against one of the crystalline containers. A flash of something in his processor seemed to fling him away from the incubator with shock and alarm. "What was that?" He asked the air around him, not that there was anyone here to answer.

Curious, he came back and repeated the action, receiving yet another shock as an image came into his mind's optic as clear as if he were standing there at that very moment. What he saw confused and terrified him.

Before him stood a planet broken to its core, bleeding hot melted rock over its barren surface while creatures roamed through the destruction oblivious. The creatures were much smaller than him, the largest might have been nine feet tall; it was difficult to judge because not one of the creatures stood straight. Every one of them slouched and shuffled about as if programmed with simple instructions and nothing else. The Prime knew in his spark he didn't want a closer look at these awkward, blank creatures, but the driving force in his mind's optic did not seem satisfied with simple impressions; it wanted undeniable truth.

The Autobot leader was moved forward without lifting a foot, until he stood amongst the shuffling creatures – too dumb, or too...something...to know to walk around him, they bumped into his legs repeatedly. Optimus was concerned for the little creatures, but they seemed unaware of that too.

One creature stopped before him and looked up – the only one to do so since Optimus had started watching these strange things – and Optimus saw something he couldn't define.

The creature had optics, like any Cybertronian; though they were a sickly pale green instead of any of the standard colors; however, its face was soft like organic flesh despite the very metallic hue to it. The thing made him think of a human, though it looked nothing like the soft organic creatures. Of course, it didn't look like a Cybertronian either, but it might have been a closer comparison if he thought about it long enough.

"All or one," the creature groaned with an unused voice.

Optimus wasn't sure what the creature meant by the phrase, or was it a question? "I am sorry?"

"All or one, All or One, All or One," the creature repeated gesturing vaguely with its disproportionate hands; one had three stubby fingers, while the other had eight long thin fingers.

"I do not understand, I am sorry." He didn't know what else to say.

"Are you _All_, or are you _One_?" The creature finally clarified with a surprisingly intelligent voice.

Optimus shook his head, still not fully understanding. "I am neither. I am Optimus Prime. Who are you?"

The odd creature squinted its sickly green optics up at him, a scowl consuming its features. "You have to be one or the other. You can't be 'neither', there is no such thing."

"Then perhaps you should explain what 'All' and 'One' are."

As if slapped, the creature stumbled away from the Prime, pure shock on its face. "You don't know? How can you not know? Everything knows! Everything! All or One, All or One!"

"Please, I do not mean to upset or offend you, but I believe I am unfamiliar with what you speak of. Perhaps you could tell me what you are?"

"I am All," it held up its hands as if that should be sign enough of which he was.

"Then, what does One look like?"

The creature gaped in complete disbelief. A very slow awareness crept into its optics as it took the time to actually look over the mech before it, as if it really hadn't seen what stood before him until just that moment. "You are Neither..." it whispered fearfully. "You can't be, Neither is a myth! All or One, everyone is All or One! Neither is only in stories!"

"There are times when stories are more true than what we believe to be real," Optimus stated in an attempt to help the strange creature come to terms with its own confusion.

Again the creature's unnatural optics squinted up at him. "If you are Neither, and you are real, then...is Other real too?"

"Other?"

"You don't know Other? How can you be Neither and not know Other?"

"It seems that, if I can be unaware of All and One, and am unaware that I am Neither, that I can also be unaware of Other."

A small, very shaky and obviously unpracticed smile appeared on All's face. "You really _are_ Neither – the stories always said you would be the most confusing thing ever to be seen."

"What else do these stories say?"

All laughed, a sound Optimus truly hoped he would never hear again. "Come on Neither, lets go someplace and I will tell you your story." The creature waved the much larger mech to follow him. "All's will be thrilled to know you're here. If you're here, that means Other will be coming too, then things will get really strange."

"Yes..._then_ things will become strange..." Optimus couldn't help the sarcasm he felt, but he followed the strange All creature through the torn and broken land.

He started noticing that there truly were two variances of the creatures here, though there were very few like All. He assumed the other creatures – much more balanced than All and its likenesses in appearance, they could be called perfectly symmetrical if someone were to go so far, with optics that had no light behind them, but that came in more variety than the Alls – had to be the Ones. The Ones never looked up, never acknowledge anything as they trudged about their business. Contrasty, the Alls were far more aware and friendly.

By the time they reached the place the first All had been leading Optimus – a place that looked no different than any other place on this broken world – there were a group of others following them, whispering about 'the stories' and 'Neither' and 'Other'. The mech was completely enthralled by these strange creatures and their confusing existence.

"Sit," the first All waved at a spot of ground that wasn't as torn as the surrounding space.

Optimus complied, being careful not to accidentally hit one of the other creatures quickly coming to sit around him.

"You will have to forgive us, we never really expected the stories to be true, so we hadn't exactly planned for the coming of Neither and Other."

"That is quite all right, I cannot claim that I had expected to be here."

"Of course not!" Another one of the All creatures shouted happily. "You're Neither! You're not supposed to know!"

"That is...comforting." Optimus vented softly. "This brings my curiosity of who 'Other' is to a peak. Would you mind enlightening me?"

"Tell Neither the story!" Yet another All creature shouted, squirming as if it were nothing more than an eager youngling waiting to hear its favorite story.

"Yeah! And don't forget that good part!" Another shouted just as eagerly.

It was then that Optimus noticed that the All creature that had approached him seemed to be the one the others looked up to; the 'elder' so to speak, and it was really starting to show as the others became even more excited around him.

"Yes, yes, yes, the story," the first All said soothingly to those gathered to hear.

"And the good part!" The same eager youth shouted.

"And the good part," the elder agreed. The All settled and prepared to tell the story the others were so eager for. He met Optimus's optics as if evaluating just how he should present the tale before he began in a grand manner. "Before there were All or One, there were Many. The Many were great and powerful, but they were foolish and stubborn, set to their ideals with such ferocity that they warred over them.

"The Many produced many more, then they destroyed them with their warring. They kept making and destroying, making and destroying, making and destroying, until there wasn't anything left to make with, but they kept destroying."

Optimus could feel something in his spark twist and grow cold as he listened.

"In all of the destroying, a maker was found. It was not like the Many, it was completely different than them in every way so that the Many wouldn't realize that it was a maker and destroy it too. The Maker found the Creator, and the world began to be made as the Creator helped the Maker make, but the Creator didn't know the Maker's kind very well, and the Maker was destroyed."

At this, the group of Alls gasped dramatically as if they had not heard this part of the story before, but the eagerness they showed for the elder All to continue was evidence against such a notion.

"The Creator could do nothing to save the Maker, but the Many's other creators could, and they did!"

The Alls cheered with gusto for the saving of the Maker.

"But," the elder All paused for effect, "when the Many's other creators saved the Maker, they changed it, making it like the Many, so that the Many would know that the Maker was one of them."

Boo's and jeers were heard all around as the Alls protested this change.

"Still," the elder continued, "the Maker was not like them. The maker was something else; it was not what it was, not what the Creator wanted the Maker to be, but not what the Many's other creators wanted it to be either. It became,"

"Other!" Several voices all cheered at the same time. "Other! Other! Other!" They chanted for a few breems before the elder All brought them back under control.

"The Other did not trust the Creator, because the Creator had hurt it. The Other even destroyed like the Many did, but it destroyed what it had made when it was the Maker ruining everything the Creator had worked to build up. It was a very sad moment in the beginning of the world."

There were several groans and moans of agreement, as if they had all been there for that dreadful moment. Optimus was beginning to think that maybe they were; all of this was stirring dreadful memories that he didn't want to connect to this retelling.

"The Creator had a secret though. The Creator wasn't separate from the Many; it was the one that had helped to Create the Many, so it could talk to them in a way they couldn't quite hear. The Creator reached out to One of the Many and saved some of the ones the Maker had made, and that was the beginning of the Great Separation.

"Other started trying to destroy what was left of the Creator, but the Creator was untouchable by Other. Other would never succeed alone, and the Creator knew that so the Creator continued to push Other to be a maker like before. What the Creator didn't know was that Other was the best maker there would ever be, even though it destroyed what it had made before. It was such a great maker it was an _un-_maker! It unmade in the name of what it had made and what it wanted to protect more than anything else in the beginning of the world. Other could think of nothing else.

"It was because of the Great Separation that the Ones were created; mindless and obedient following everything the Creator dictated, but the Alls had always existed and we have always been free to choose our paths, the Other; our Unmaker and protector's spark pulses within every All ever created and that will ever be created...

"Unless the Creator destroys Other."

Optimus realized that the gathering had grown eerily quiet and all of their optics had fixed on him. "What is it that I am to do?"

"Neither," the elder said in a tone that indicated the All thought that Optimus already knew what he was supposed to do, but was being ignorant, "Other cannot defeat the Creator, because Other is _not_ a Creator, it is a maker."

The mech shook his head, still not grasping whatever concept the All was trying to impart to him.

Sighing heavily, the elder all came to stand as close to Optimus as it could and still look up at him. "You, Neither, have to help Other not be destroyed by the Creator."

"How? If...if I am to understand your telling correctly, than I am one of the Many; a destroyer."

"No, Neither. That is the part of the story I didn't tell."

"That's the good part!" One of the other Alls shouted happily now that the apparent best part of the story was to be told.

"Even the Many's other creators knew that the Many needed something not quite like them, but a creator couldn't go be with the Many because they were long separated from them. They had to find a way to pass their knowledge, wisdom, and power from themselves to the Many, but in a way that would help the Many, not help destroy them. The Many's other creators made some that were not like the Many, but not unlike them, like the creators, but not like them either; they made Neithers. They made you."

"Primes," it hit Optimus all too clearly. His growing suspicions were suddenly validated and he knew what he had to do now.

Proxy was facing something Sideswipe claimed was called 'One'; creator of the Ones; the Creator. Proxy was Other – the being that had not been their kind, but had been made into their kind by the Many's other creators; the Original Primes. His roll as the All's story's 'Neither' was the same as it had been in the telling of the Primes; to be the go between for the Cybertronians and the Matrix. That left the Alls.

Slowly, carefully, and meticulously, Optimus counted the number of Alls crowding around him now; thirteen.

"Primus help us."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; brewing_

_ It was war. It was going to be the greatest war anyone had never seen and it was all going to happen in my head._

_ One fully intended to integrate the human and Cybertronian races by force; she wasn't going to let the two different creatures exist peacefully and let what may come of it come. No. She wanted to force a mass transformation on the entire planet, forcing everything and everyone to conform to one singular creature that she deemed fit and ideal...and she intended to use my sparklings to do it._

_ That was never going to happen. If I had to destroy everything, that was never going to happen!_

_ The only thing is...I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough for this..._

_Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	120. Journal Entry 120

_**Where has Faecat been? Glaring at these chapters because they won't write themselves. -_-; I am very, very sorry about the delay and hope that the extra length of this chapter might make up for it a bit.**_

_**Also; the next chapter is still giving me some trouble as well, so I don't promise any quick updates on it either. So this fic is going to go a little past my goal but not by a whole lot. There are only a very few chapters left before I am finished with this one and move on to the next fic. ^_~**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

"Little one, you cannot stand against me forever."

"You can't do this!" Proxy could feel One's will growing, pressing down on her like an unseen weight slowly crushing her. "I won't let you destroy them for your own visions of perfection!"

"We do not wish to destroy; only to create. It is the only way, little one. To save them all from annihilation, they must all become one." The being smiled sweetly as a mother to a child that simply could not understand. "It is for the best of all."

"Your will is not for all!"

"Our will is all and one."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry; reinforcements_

_ As my mind set to facing off with One, I came to a very devastating realization; as strong-willed as I was, as stubborn as I could be, I could not beat her alone._

_ How was I supposed to do this? Here in the Parking Lot I had only ever conversed with a few 'bots; and actually interacted with less. There was one, though, that had been here; that had seen what I see..._

_ Sideswipe; I need you._

_Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Recharge had rarely been what most 'bots would call 'peaceful' for Sideswipe, but he had come to expect the horrors he would see in his processor's review of his life when he rested. However, this time he knew something just wasn't right.

First off, he knew he wasn't online. That rarely happened during recharge cycles where images deemed it fit to invade his rest. Second, he could hear someone calling for him; that in and of itself wasn't abnormal – his dreams consisted of someone shouting for or at him quite often – but the way the voice called to him was different. Not that he could exactly process _how_ it was different, just that it was. It was familiar, calling directly to his spark drawing him away from himself and towards it.

The fog of his recharge was thick, not allowing him to see anything beyond himself, but he could hear. There was a deep, rumbling groan of something huge coming, carrying a heavy sense of impending doom with it.

"What's going on?" He walked forward, hoping that moving might clear things up but the fog remained clinging to everything around him like a shroud. As he moved, he could sense the ground beneath him but at the same time, couldn't feel it. It was a familiar sensation, one he had felt not too long ago. "Proxy?"

The veil thinned with the femme's spoken name and the front-liner glimpsed shadows.

"Proxy?" He called again, a similar result following; the shadows gained color and shape and the voices of before crept back into his processor. "What's going on? Why am I here?"

_'Watch,'_ something – a voice that wasn't a voice, something far closer to the sound of his brother, or Proxy, over their bond – whispered to him.

"Watch what?" Even as he asked, the fog lifted and he could clearly see the Parking Lot for what it was. The cars that had been scattered about before were pressed as far to the edges as they could go and in the center of the emptied space stood Proxy and the Silvia-mimic One facing off with each other. Proxy looked to be on the edge of sanity and violent madness. One was the picture of patience and steadfast insistence.

The deep rumble of impending doom was drawing close behind One, a black wall of perfect nothingness that consumed all it passed. "Dearest, why do you continue to resist us?"

"Because you're wrong, One!" Proxy's voice thundered through the openness like lightning strike. "All were not made to be the same! You can't just make them fit your perfect ideals!" Matching her voice, vibrant, colorful lights sparked from her frame, streaking out to strike anything within range.

"It is for the good of all, we want nothing but to help our children."

"THEY'RE NOT YOURS!" Proxy's roar was accompanied by a blinding flash of light that drove back the darkness of One's wall of steady power.

"They are all ours, child, just as you are."

"I BELONG TO NO ONE!" The lightning stretched out further with her mounting rage.

Sideswipe watched with growing dread as the forces of Proxy and One came closer to one another. The dark imposing wall of One's ancient power was already overwhelming the strange chaotic light of Proxy's rage.

"Seems hopeless, doesn't it?" The small voice beside him seemed so familiar, painfully so. His spark twisted in a way he didn't like, feeling like it was tearing apart, burning up inside him. He knew that voice better than he knew his own. "I'm not really sure how we're going to make it out of this one."

He wanted to look, wanted to see that being he knew to be beside him more than anything, but he couldn't. He was frozen, torn between hope, fear and guilt.

"This isn't the way it was supposed to be, you know? She didn't used to be like this. I mean, she wanted to save Cybertronians, but she had been concerned for humans too. Something went wrong. I'm not sure where, why, or how, but even she had seen it. Of course that wasn't until it was too late." The speaker sighed dejectedly.

That small breath of air was like a key releasing a lock. Sideswipe was finally able to look at the creature beside him. "Aurian..."

The woman looked up at him, her haunted eyes seeing more than him – seeing into him, through him, over him, around him. He both existed and didn't in those organic blue spheres. "Yes, Sides, I'm here. Just the way I have always been here."

"But..." he looked nervously to the femme in the distance, taking in her fierce stubbornness, her fearlessness to face down something so obviously stronger than herself. He admired her strength of will, adored her stubbornness. Just looking at her he knew he needed to be with her to help her, support her, but he hesitated.

"She is not me," Aurian repeated the familiar phrase. "She is," she pushed urgently with her words, forcing Sideswipe's optics to come back to her, "what I have become."

The human beside him was everything he had remembered, yet, so very much a stranger. It occurred to him that she was a little larger than he remembered – actually, a lot larger, roughly the same height as Proxy – but somehow that didn't seem out of place. Not here. She looked pale and drawn, the scars across her skin still looked ragged and not quite healed, the spider-webbed marks of energon poisoning still discoloring her arms. She had been so completely ruined by everything that had happened to her, yet; still she was there to look for a way to move on. Sideswipe still couldn't believe her determination.

"I am so sorry, Aurian," it hurt him to see the pain she had suffered. Knowing that he had not been able to help her when she had needed him the most, made it that much worse. "I promised to protect you, but I couldn't."

The human smiled sweetly for him – there was no blame, no hurt to be seen on her face. "Sideswipe, I never blamed you. There was nothing you, or Sunstreaker, or Ironhide, or Jazz, or Ratchet, or even Optimus could have done to change what happened. Hell, even the Allspark couldn't stop it when she realized everything had gone wrong. It was out of all of our hands. Greater powers than us got involved." Aurian leaned against the mech.

Her apparent size made no difference to her weight, she still barely registered to his sensors, but he didn't care; she was there. Sideswipe wrapped his arms around her, loving that he could hold her like this. A small pang of guilt washed through him that he was so happy to hold Aurian. A part of him was screaming that his affections were for Proxy, while the other still ached to be closer to the human that had changed his life. "I love you," he whispered mournfully.

"No, Sides," Aurian pulled away from the mech far enough to look into his optics. "Your spark belongs to her," she nodded to where her other self still faced off with the approaching darkness. "I can feel it."

He couldn't deny it; he even found he didn't want to. His strong feelings for Proxy grew more solid as he though about it. "I do love you," he insisted. It was true, confusing, but true.

Aurian studied the mech for a while. "As a sister?"

"I..." Sideswipe vented. "Listen, Aurian, I don't know how it happened but I loved you more than a sister. I hated when you were speaking of bonding with Roger. I wanted to take you away from him but..."

"But we were two different species, it would never have worked." A half amused, half-regretful smile brushed her lips as she looked at Sideswipe. "I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have feelings for you then, but I never considered them past friends...maybe family, but that was it. Sideswipe, as a human I would have only lived for less than another vorn of your life. Less than that after all this," she looked down at herself. Then with that same smile, she looked pointedly to where Proxy stood. "But now..."

Sideswipe followed her gaze to the femme.

"Your spark belongs to her, as it should, and she needs you now."

"Is that why you're here? To bring me?"

"Well...not exactly..." Again, the light blinded them as Proxy defied the oppression of One's darkness. "There's a war about to happen."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

He came online already in battle mode, blades drawn and sensors flared as far as they would go seeking the invader. The darkness was no deterrent; he didn't need to use his optics to locate the would-be attacker.

Silence.

All scans were clear.

There was nothing in the room with him.

Sunstreaker vented, feeling the rush in his lines still pounding in preparation for a fight, he checked his chronometer. Barely half a joor had passed since he had come crashing down on his berth; there was no reason for him to be coming online at all. His systems were still aching for recharge, his limbs felt heavy and his processor was lagging, yet something had brought him online.

'Sideswipe, did something happen?' He could feel some anxiety, some confusion, guilt, and a rampant of other emotions flitting over their bond, but it wasn't anything he hadn't sensed before.

'No, nothing has happened...yet, but I'm pretty sure it's about to.'

There was a tenseness to his brother's voice that had all the sluggishness of Sunstreaker's systems burning away as he rushed out of his quarters. 'What, where?'

'That's the complicated part...'

'You're still in the med bay with Proxy?' It was more of a statement than a question.

'Physically, yeah.'

Sunstreaker slowed a little in his rush to reach his twin. 'What's that supposed to mean.'

'Well, when you get there I'm sure you'll get it.' There was mild amusement wrapped in the awkward inflection in his twin's voice, but it wasn't for any of his usual mischief. Whatever had happened wasn't his doing and, even though he found it somewhat amusing, he was also concerned and confused about it, perhaps even a little afraid.

On his way, the golden front-liner noticed that there was another figure making a similar path to the med bay; one that not even a joor ago had been beating the slag out of him. "Ironhide? What's going on?"

The weapons specialist gave the smaller mech a barely acknowledging glance. "I told you to go recharge."

"I did. Something jerked me out."

"Sideswipe?"

"I'm...I think so, but I don't know for sure."

"How can you not know?" The two mechs pushed through small groups of other 'bots standing in their way, receiving a few curt comments about their rude behavior but paying no attention.

"Because he doesn't know either. What are you doing?"

"Going to see what the slag is going on around here. You?"

"Same."

They entered the med bay as one and likewise stopped as one.

The inside of the med bay was in a state of complete calm. No one was rushing about, no one was barking orders, no machines were screaming of horrible things, there was nothing wrong at all.

"Sideswipe?" Sunstreaker looked for his twin in his usual place, only to find the stool empty.

Jazz and the newly reformatted mech stood near Proxy's still form, seeming to have been in the middle of a conversation about something or another, but Sunstreaker did not see Sideswipe anywhere.

"Hey, Sunny," Jazz greeted with a wave. "What's up?"

Looking a little closer he noticed that the femme was almost completely wrapped in silver armor – belonging to his brother. Confused, the front-liner joined the others near the femme's berth. He found it very strange to see his brother in recharge in such an openly intimate way and briefly wondered if he shouldn't be offended for him that others were watching.

"Don't worry, he's just rechargin'," Jazz offered, though if it was meant as an explanation for why they weren't observing basic privacy, or for why his brother was unresponsive, Sunstreaker wasn't sure.

"What are you doing here?"

"We came ta check on Proxy." Jazz patted the femme's shoulder as he explained. "Figured she might like ta hear from someone other than just yer brother."

"It is unlikely that she is processing any sound at all..." the other mech stated.

"Prowler, we already been over this; just 'cause it don't make 'logical' sense, don't mean it ain't true."

For a moment, Sunstreaker didn't even register what Jazz had said. "Prowler?"

"Prowl," the mech introduced himself formally. "It is the designation I have chosen for myself based on a comment made by Proxy."

"How...interesting." What else was he supposed to say? It wasn't as though he truly cared enough to go any further with it anyway.

Prowl fixed the golden mech with a challenging glare. "You have a problem with it?"

"No more than I have a problem with you." Sunstreaker may have considered Proxy's feelings when judging the character of the now ex-Barricade, but that didn't mean that he liked, or trusted the mech. He didn't like knowing that he was here with Proxy at all, let alone that his brother lay in recharge completely unaware of his presence.

Behind him, Sunstreaker could hear the deep voices of Ironhide and Ratchet discussing something that had to be very serious, if their tones were anything to go by. He only hoped that it had nothing to do with either of the 'bots currently lying before him.

'Sideswipe, what is going on?'

'Frag, I was really hoping you could tell me. Last I knew I was recharging.'

'Yeah, you still are...apparently...with an audience.' Sunstreaker deemed it more productive to completely ignore 'Prowl' for the time being to see to his brother.

'Who?'

'Jazz and...Prowl...'

'Who the frag is Prowl?'

'I'll give you one clue; if I ever get him alone in a dark place, I'm going to blast his spark right out of his spark chamber and not think twice about it.'

'Barricade finally picked a designation, huh? Why Prowl?'

'Says it had something to do with Proxy. Why are we talking about him anyway? What are you doing?'

'Oh, watching the beginnings of an epic showdown that is almost entirely one-sided at this point.'

'What?' Staring down at his twin, Sunstreaker could almost believe the mech was in the most peaceful recharge he had ever had. His frame was completely relaxed, his spark pulsing at a slow and steady pace. There was no physical clue to his current state.

'It's One.'

'What about her?'

'Proxy's going one on one with her...but she's not strong enough for it. Sunny, you should see this; it's...awesome and freaky all at the same time.'

'What can we do to help her?'

There was a very long pause. Long enough that for a moment Sunstreaker believed his twin might have given fully into the perceptive recharge he was currently in. Then, a soft, curious and undeniably worried pulse came through their bond.

'I'm not sure...'

Sunstreaker felt his spark pulling, as if someone was tugging at him, very similar to the sensation he got when he was being drawn toward the other side of his bond. 'What are you doing?'

'It's not me, but its okay. Relax.'

'Who is it?' The draw was gentile but insistent, pulling and pushing all at the same time, wanting him to follow but not in body, just through the bond.

'You know who it is.'

It was true, he recognized the pull, but it felt strange; somehow askew, out of order and backwards. 'Proxy?'

'Yeah...well, sort of...kind of...you know, it's just easier if you come see for yourself.'

Despite the small part of him that screamed to resist, Sunstreaker gave into the familiar pull and felt his frame drain of all its strength. He heard a faint exclamation of alarm as everything faded away and firm hands grabed him. Then he was standing beside his brother trying to tell up from down, hearing voices that weren't heard, feeling nothing and everything all at the same time. Instantly his processor snapped to his battle mode in his confusion; he could always fight and ask questions later.

"Sunny!"

"Sunny."

Two voices, both familiar, both dear to him called out, one in panic, the other with calm assurance.

"Just calm down, I know it's weird, but you're all right."

"Focus on us, Sunny, it'll help."

The first voice was Sideswipe, he knew that, and as he focused on his brother's voice, the clearer the world around him became. He could see his brother's silver frame beside him, hands firmly gripping his arms, but over his shoulder, Sunstreaker saw another being that was just as familiar to him as his twin.

"Aurian?"

"Hey, Sunny. How've you been?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"What was that?" Ironhide turned in the direction the commotion had come from, his previous conversation forgotten.

Ratchet's alarm was growing; first Jazz shouting, then the loud sounds...not a good combination. "I don't think I want to know."

Both mechs moved toward the room Proxy had been placed in and saw a small collection of 'bots moving about inside.

Jazz and the recently reformatted mech were struggling with a very limp golden front-liner.

"What is going on?" The CMO asked as he rushed to see what had happened.

"Dunno! Mech just collapsed!" Jazz growled as the front-liner's weight shifted in his arms. He'd never known the mech to be so limp, even when in high-grade induced recharge. "Prowl, grab his arm."

"Prowl?" Ironhide questioned as he watched the pair get Sunstreaker's limp frame under control.

"My chosen designation," Prowl grunted, taking on the weight of the front-liner as Jazz shifted so they could lay him on the spare berth.

Ratchet pushed his way between the two mechs to get at the downed front-liner. "What was he doing?"

"He was standing and then he collapsed," Prowl explained easily.

"Ah think he was talkin' ta Sides," Jazz added, waving his hand at the still recharging silver mech. "He'd come lookin' fer him."

"Did he say anything?" Scanning the younger 'bot gave the CMO no clue as to what had happened. Everything pointed to the mech being in a deep, peaceful recharge cycle.

"Nothin' outta' th' ordinary."

"He seemed to have an issue with my presence," Prowl pointed out. "Though I do not see how that could cause this current state."

"It wouldn't," Ratchet assured. "He's just recharging."

Ironhide nodded looking over the mech. "He was pretty worn out. He was supposed to be in recharge. He said something about Sideswipe."

Ratchet scanned the other mech with similar results. The only other thing he could think of was Proxy's unexplainable state.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Something seems off about today."

Rob and Will walked through the common hub where Autobots and humans worked together monitoring the large volumes of information streamed through the base.

"Like it's too quiet?" Will asked. He also had an odd feeling about the day.

"That just might be because Ironhide and Sunstreaker finally quit beating the crap out of each other. No, there's something else. Like..." the man pondered for a while, trying to come up with some reasonable comparison. "Remember back in Qatar before all this stuff went down?"

"Barely. That was a lifetime ago."

"Well, it feels like that. The day before all Hell broke out."

"That's not comforting."

The two continued for several steps before another comment was made. "Don't you feel it?" Rob asked, shaking his arms as if to dislodge something clinging to him.

"It's probably just post-battle jitters is all. We just faced down the end of the world, after all."

"A few months ago," Rob protested.

"You remember how long it took everyone to settle down after Mission City; it takes time." Despite his confidence in counseling his friend, Will didn't completely dismiss the oddness of the day. There was something in the air. "But maybe we should be a little extra aware about what's going on around us. I'll go check with Optimus."

"I'll contact our off base operatives."

With a nod, the two parted ways to see to their private missions.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Optimus! Optimus! What happened?"

The awe still consuming his processor didn't allow the alarm from the small mech leaning over him to sink in. Everything around him seemed distant and unreal.

"Sir? Can you hear me?" First Aid wasn't entirely sure what to do. There was nothing physically wrong with the Autobot leader according to his scans, yet the mech was unresponsive. ::Ratchet, I just found Optimus in the nursery. He is completely unresponsive but there is no apparent damage found.::

::On my way,:: the medic sounded frustrated, worn, yet resigned.

Searching the area for anything that might have caused the large mech's current condition, First Aid found himself drawn to the newspark chambers.

Every time he had come to check on the little sparks, he had noticed slight changed in them; color, size, mutations in their shape – all growing a little more apparent each time, but they had never been very conclusive. No one was sure what was happening with them, or how it would affect their development. However, right at that moment, First Aid knew beyond doubt what was happening to them.

Instead of a pulsing spark within the crystalline case, there was a tiny form curled against the glass.

"Primus," the medic slowly stood, optics locked with the miniature form.

In the small case the small creature pulled itself into a tight ball before relaxing again. It made soft sounds that, at first, First Aid couldn't place. They were some mix of vocal coos and systems humming.

Scanning the being came back with several anomalies he didn't understand, but he comprehended the overall. It was Cybertronian and it was growing its own frame.

"How is this possible?"

"There are many things we are not meant to understand," Optimus's deep, rumbling voice startled First Aid. "Though I am sure this is no accident."

"They were just supposed to be sparks..."

"They are sparks, but they are more than just that."

First Aid thought of the human the sparks had been created from. Could these new lives have picked up the organic's ability to generate their own frames? 'They must have,' he thought to himself as he looked over the rest. Most had not yet reached this stage of development yet, but now he could see the mutations within the sparks for what they truly were. Their strange protective sacs were containing their developing bodies like an organic embryo held within a mother's womb. The one that appeared furthest along no longer had that protective sac; the remains of it lay shredded on the bottom of the case as a dark, dead smear.

"They're half organic..."

"The doors to the nursery slammed open admitting a rather stressed looking CMO into the room. Ironhide was close behind.

Ratchet looked at Optimus, standing beside First Aid as though nothing were wrong and then pointedly at the young medic.

"Oh...he's seemed to recover..." First Aid tried to explain, but his processor was still stuck on the tiny life form behind him.

"So I see." Ratchet scanned the Autobot leader and looked him over at the same time. "What happened?"

First Aid sputtered for a moment, trying to gather enough sense to explain anything.

"A miracle," Optimus supplied easily, saving the young medic from a processor overload. The large mech waved to the case containing the newspark frame, smiling happily; yet still a deep lingering concern remained pressing on his demeanor.

Like First Aid, Ratchet stared in disbelief of what he saw; however, the elder medic was able to gather himself much quicker. He claimed the small creature from the case, turning it over gently in his hands to see it better. The sparkling grunted unhappily and squirmed in its protest to the treatment. It was so small; the medic could cup the creature in one palm and dwarf it with the sheer mass of a single digit as he poked at it. One optic cracked open to peer at the assaulter, its sickly green color surprising almost all that were looking at it.

"This sparkling is..." Ratchet seemed unsure of what to say.

"Tiny," Ironhide provided, speaking for the first time.

The sparkling grunted again, then made a very pathetic whining sound.

"Hungry," Optimus stated. His voice drew the sparkling's attention instantly to him, both sickly green optics wide with interest.

Ratchet placed the creature back in its case, the small being happily settling back into the warmth and comfort of the familiar space. "I will have to adjust the energon feed to accommodate this new form." He scooped out the ragged remains of the sac before closing the case once more. ::Wheeljack, I need your help.::

"I will leave you to it." Optimus turned for the door, only to find a hand on his arm holding him back.

Ratchet studied his friend and leader for a long moment. "What happened?"

A wave of the weight placed on him gave the Prime a moment of uncertainty. "I have been shown what we face. The world as we know it now is in grave danger."

"From what?" Ironhide growled, cannons humming in eagerness for another fight.

"Not what," Optimus stated darkly, "whom."

First Aid could feel dread rising inside him. "From whom, then?"

Optimus studied his subordinates, happy to know they were ready to face whatever they had to do to protect their new home. "One," he answered.

Ratchet's grip on Optimus's arm tightened. "One?"

The Autobot leader nodded, answering the unasked part of the medic's question; the same 'One' Proxy was complaining about previously. The same 'One' Sideswipe claimed she was struggling with now.

"Who is One?" Ironhide's deep voice broke the uncomfortable silence that had claimed the nursery.

"Something that has been corrupted. Something that was once the most treasured thing to our race and our future," Optimus answered gravely. "The power that was once the Allspark."

First Aid felt unexplainably edgy, as if there was something looking over his shoulder, waiting for an opening. "What does it want?"

"To survive." The truth of it was that One wanted what was an ideal perfection. It wanted survival of itself and of that which it thought itself responsible for.

"At what cost?" Ratchet spoke the question in all of their sparks.

"Any and all," Optimus stated flatly.

Ironhide growled at the invisible threat. "How do we fight back?" There was no way he was going to lay down and take this – no matter what 'this' really was. As best he could see it, there was plenty to live for. He hadn't spent all this time fighting just to be wiped clean from existence because some 'one' thought it had a better idea.

"Proxy," Ratchet said, something between annoyance and disbelief in his voice.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Proxy could see the darkness coming toward her, but she refused to acknowledge it. The only thing she dared to focus on was the human form of One. "I can't let you win, One...I won't!"

"Darling," the human doppelganger spoke softly, seeming completely unbothered by the exertion of power all around her, "you have no choice. We were made to ensure our children survived and that is what we must do. Why would you wish to stop that? Do you not want our sparklings to grow? To live?"

"Yes," Proxy half growled, half sobbed, "I want them to _live_! I want them to have a life of their own, not one that you have dictated for them! They deserve to choose their lives for themselves, not become some mindless creatures that you program to fit what you think is the better reality!"

"They certainly wouldn't be mindless, child. We simply wish them to be easier to guide so that we do not repeat our previous mistakes."

"By making more?"

"This is not a mistake. We have spent many eons calculating the proper course of action. It is why we came here, why we drew our children here, why you were called here..." as One spoke, she turned to focus on something behind Proxy. The 'you' she was speaking of was not the femme in front of her. "Why you suffered so much. We could not allow you to have gone through so much for just another mistake."

"We're not about to buy that now."

Proxy glanced to her side, where this new voice had come from. It was new, but familiar, strange, yet unsurprising. She knew that voice and was not alarmed to hear it one bit. To see the human form beside her brought back the pain in her processor, the struggle to remember things she couldn't remember. "Aurian?"

"Proxy," the human greeted kindly.

"How are you here?"

"The same way you are. I am a part of you; you are a part of me."

"Now you sound like...like..." she pointed angrily at One, "that!"

"You know I'm not, though. I'm only a part of you, nothing else. Not anything more."

"You...you...don't exist..." Proxy's head hurt, she could feel her systems struggling with something.

Aurian reached out, taking Proxy's hands in her own. The electric sparks leaping from the femme instantly lashed out at the soft human flesh, but Aurian did not pull away. "Proxy," she called to the femme.

Proxy felt the human's call more than she heard it. It was deeper than deep: woven inside of her very spark.

"I am only a part of you, I am not _you_," Aurian coached softly. "I am a part of your strength, a part of your will, a part of your knowledge."

"A part..." Proxy chanted in wary acceptance. Still, she felt the ache growing in her head. If she weren't already offline, she was sure she would be very shortly. "It hurts!" She felt the world spinning around her, the only thing solid was the human hands in her own. Her frame began to tremble with the effort.

Just as she was sure she could no longer stand, strong arms wrapped around her, holding her up. "I'm here," a familiar and comforting voice whispered in her audio. Her spark instantly cried out in joy at the voice.

"Sides?"

"We're both here," another, much more surprising voice spoke out.

Proxy tried to focus enough to see the other twin, but her optics were finding it hard to lock onto any one thing until two gray-blue organic eyes filled her vision.

"They are here to help you, just like I am. They are all here for you, if you just reach out to them."

Her vision cleared for a klik, and then she was seeing as if through two sets of optics at the same time: one pair looking toward the human Aurian, and one pair looking to the femme Proxy. She saw herself, and knew then and there who she was and who she had been.

With a renewed strength, she found her feet and faced One again. With Sideswipe on her right, Sunstreaker on her left and Aurian within her, she knew where her chances to defeat the imposing will of One lay. "So long as the sparks of the Many stand opposed to you, All will continue to live free of your rule."

A soft, ever-changing light grew around the three 'bots, pressing back against One's dark wall of power. As the light seemed to reach its limit with no change to the situation, Proxy began calling. Not with her voice, but with her spark and memories and everything within her. She called to the vehicles of the Parking Lot around her and they came to her. She called to the sparks that she had touched when between life and creation and they supported her. She called to the friends and family of her human self and they answered her.

"What are you doing, child?" For the first time Proxy could recall through all of her memories and all of Aurian's memories passed on to her, One sounded nervous.

"We are the Many, defending All," Proxy stated in a firm, strong voice. "We will not be destroyed."

"Destruction is not our will..."

"Your will _will _destroy us!"

"Energy cannot be destroyed,"

"Only remade."

"We wish to remake all into one."

"You wish to remove what makes us who we are! You cannot remake us into one single concept without losing the diversity that lets us grow as beings!"

"It will keep you safe."

"It will destroy us." Proxy rushed forward, her anger no longer satisfied by their verbal debate. She struck out at the human and, much to her surprise, One did not simply move aside.

The human-mimic floundered, seeming completely taken off guard by the femme's sudden movement. She stumbled and rolled away from the aggressive 'bot, but did not go far. It seemed as though Proxy's anger had grown contagious, and One had finally reached her limit.

"Child!" She scolded angrily. "We will not allow you to undo all we have done!" With the statement, the human voice became not-human, but did not become exactly Cybertronian. It was something different, something new, but terrifying none-the-less. The mass of One grew larger than Proxy, larger than the two mechs flanking her, ready to help her attack the creature before her. It grew into something neither metal nor organic – a mix without mixing, something wonderful and horrible all at the same time. "All will be one!"

With a guttural roar and a complete lack of fear for her much larger opponent, Proxy leaped on the creature One had become.

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe moved as a single being to support the femme. However, they were met by a sudden formation of drone-like half-creations, completely separating them from Proxy as effectively as any wall might.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	121. Journal Entry 121

_**Here's the deal ladies and gents; I have given up on trying to wrap up the ending in just a few chapters. It is going on until it ends its self, okay? I have struggled far too much with the past few chapters for this to go on like it has, so I give into my muse and I will write as it comes; when it ends, it ends and I will say no more. ~_^**_

_**Also: we're getting awfully close to the next thousand review mark. I'm going to offer another prize SHOULD we reach that mark before this fic is over. Same rules as last time. Enjoy!**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

Things had been far from easy ever since his car had stood up almost three years ago. At first, Sam had thought that it was all unbelievably awesome. Okay, maybe the whole Mission City thing hadn't been so great, but other than that; an awesome car that happened to be an alien who quickly became one of the best friends he had ever known; the whole robots in disguise bit; being trusted by the Cybertronians to represent them as their human liaison for a time...even the recognition by the government, though very much under the table, had been pretty awesome. However, things turned only a few short months later.

His parents were constantly on his back about school, about getting good grades and living a good, normal life; and he wanted that, but what did 'normal' mean? Mikaela supported him in everything that he did right up until her father was looking at coming home again, and then everything seemed to go down hill from there. She had seemed so sure that he would go off to college without her, find another girl, and that would be the end of them, that she kept trying to push him off before he left. Simple little things turned into enormous battles between them. It was exhausting, but he had been determined to prove her wrong and make his parents happy at the same time.

That's why he turned Optimus down when the Autobot leader had called upon him to help when Aurian had been removed from the position as the human-Cybertronian liaison. He couldn't handle it. He was trying so hard to meet everyone's expectations, or to assure them that everything would turn out fine; he didn't have anything left to give to his alien friends in their time of need. How horrible was that?

Of course, that hadn't been the end of it.

The Allspark had infected his brain with all of that information, leading him to the whole Egypt fiasco...which, looking back he couldn't honestly say he regretted at all, but...now that he was home again and trying to act like just another normal kid entering the world at large, he found something wasn't right.

Several days had gone by with him locked in his room under the careful scrutiny of his parents and his guardian, Bumblebee, while he recovered from his injuries and he took that time to think. He thought about how he had tried to cast what he was given aside and made the effort to just be a normal human and found he couldn't figure out exactly why he had done it. Sure, at the time it had felt right, but now it just wasn't. He thought about 'normal' a lot: trying to figure out exactly what it was and what it meant to him. Was he really 'normal' to start with? Did he really _want_ to be just 'normal'?

When he was allowed to return to college, those thoughts grew even deeper. Every time he looked at the people around him, the people that just didn't know what was here, what they had faced, the war that lay surrounding them but completely unspoken of, he had a sense of needing to do something more. More than just press through college, more than to be a good boyfriend, more than to be a good son. He needed to be more.

"Bee," he approached his guardian hidden behind the apartment he was given by the government along with his school grant for 'rising above and beyond', "I think I might want to go, um..."

_"Who says you can't go home?"_ The scout projected the song just loud enough for his friend and charge to hear, opening his door to invite the young man in.

"No, not home." Sam sagged into the driver's seat willingly. "I kinda...well...see now that Aurian is gone I've been thinking...bad time to be thinking..." he sighed heavily. "I mean, I should have considered it long before it all came down to this but I really think that there is a reason that I was given all that knowledge from the Allspark shard before. More than just to stop the Decepticons from finding the Sun Harvester. I think...I mean I know...if what I think is true, then..."

_"Cut to the chase!"_ An actor's voice demanded with no small amount of frustration.

"I want to go to Diego Garcia. No. I _need_ to go there."

_"__Sometimes there's something about my being on the sidelines doesn't jibe"_

"Yeah, it's something like that. I think that maybe I missed my part when I told Optimus I wouldn't take that position when...Aurian..."

_"There are moments you remember all your life. There are moments you wait for and dream of all your life..."_

"I know, Bee, but it just feels like I should have known. I did know. I did. But I was just so..." Sam practically growled his frustration of the situation. He felt like he failed because he didn't do what he was supposed to do; not that he really knew what that was, but it was an opportunity that was past him now and he'd never know what it was he was supposed to have done. "Dumb," he finished lamely. "Let's go back there. Maybe...maybe I can still do something."

_"This is the new year, let's start again from here, and I'll follow the prints left by your feet..."_ The Camaro's engine rumbled to life as the scout made for the first place they could make a connection to get to the base. _"Don't you miss the girl?"_

"I think that maybe I need to get my life figured out before she's really going to believe we're meant to be. I'll call her..."

_"...think twice, boy...wise men say, only fools...only a phone call away..." _The mech pieced together his warning as best he could, but he did not slow down or divert from his course. He was sure Sam knew what he was doing right now, he could feel it in his spark that this was right, but he couldn't help but to think that Mikaela would be upset to find out he left school for Diego Garcia, and even less to hear it over the phone.

"Yeah...but I just...you know...time...and... Look, she's going to be mad at me one way or the other. At least this way we can make some time getting there while she yells at me, okay?"

_"True love can withstand..."_

"Don't do that to me, Bee. I know, all right? I just think that this might be more important right now, okay?"

_"Fair 'nough,"_ the mech drawled in a deeply southern accent.

Sam stared at his cell phone for several minutes before he sought out Mikaela's number and pressed the button he was sure was the next thing to a bomb detonator.

"Sam?"

"Hey, beautiful."

"What did you do?"

"Why do you automatically assume I did something? Can't I just call you because I miss you? Maybe I just wanted to hear your sweet, melodic voice."  
"Sam," the girl on the other side sounded distinctly annoyed and impatient. "You always start our conversations with a compliment when you've done something I'm going to get mad about...or you're about to do something. Just tell me what it is."

Rolling his head back so the only thing he could see was the ceiling of Bumblebee's interior, Sam braced for what he knew was coming. "I'm going to Diego Garcia."

There was silence; the silence just before the super nova Sam was sure.

"Good," Mikaela answered with a tired sigh.

"Good? Good?" Suddenly Sam felt his guts wrenching around. "What do you mean, 'good'? Like 'good, because that's what you should do', good? Or 'good, get as far from me as you can before I rip your head off', good? Because if it's the second one I have a really good reason for going this time. I'm not running away, and I really don't even see this as something that could be looked at that way considering..."

"SAM!" The girl interrupted loudly. "I mean 'good' as in 'you're doing the right thing,' good."

"You're not mad?"

"No."

"Is this a trick?"

"Sam! No, it's not a trick," she laughed easily. It was as if tons of pressure had been removed from her and she was giddy with relief. "I'm proud of you. It's the right thing to do."

"Really?"

"Listen, I know I haven't been the most supportive girlfriend; and I know we're probably going to have more fights in the future, but this isn't going to be one of them. They need you...and even if I think that sometimes life would have been way easier if they never came along, I know that just isn't the way things are going to be. You need to be with them, they need you, and I'm happy you're going. I'll come visit when I can, okay?"

"That's...that's it?"

"It's not like things are changing all that much. Just, instead of being at school, you'll be on a beautiful island base out in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of awesome alien machines to watch over you. After everything that happened? I think this might be one of your smartest ideas ever."

"Wow, that...I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult."

Again, Mikaela laughed. "It might be a little of both. When are you leaving?"

"I'm already on my way. Bee's taking me."

"Be safe, Sam," there seemed to be a warning in her tone and a large amount of concern. "You have a knack for trouble when you're around those guys."

"You're telling me?" Relief flooded the young man with Mikaela's acceptance. Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all. "But come on? What kind of trouble can I possibly get into on a military base? It's not like anyone is gonna..."

"Don't say it! Just don't say it."

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Call me when you get there, okay? I'll probably be at the shop, but I'll take lunch or something so we can talk."

"Okay, I'll do that."

"Okay. I gotta go, so I'll talk to you later. Bee," she called out, knowing that the Autobot was listening in, "you take good care of him or I'll slash all of your tires."

The scout trilled with some alarm. _"They're comin' at you from all sides, but they gotta get through me..."_

"Good, I knew I could trust you," her voice softened to a soothing praise. "Good luck guys, I'll catch you later."

"Bye," Sam offered before he ended the call. "That went amazingly well." He stared at the phone for a little too long. "Something bad is going to happen, Bee."

_"You're bein' paranoid."_

"No, really. Something is going on. I can feel it in my stomach."

_"Continue?"_

"Yeah, I still think I need to go to Diego Garcia...but...keep your sensors on high, okay? Something's just not right and I don't know if this is the beginning of another Earth threatening...thing, or if I'm just being on edge. I mean, after everything that's happened, it wouldn't surprise me if I had some weird kind of sixth sense for trouble or something." Tucking his phone away, Sam settled in for a long drive. His fingers twitched on the steering wheel as he let his mind drift. If he didn't focus, he was sure he could hear someone talking. Maybe a couple someones: and maybe not so much talking as yelling, but he couldn't understand the words.

Bumblebee was excited to be going back to the base; not that he didn't enjoy his time with Sam, but after everything that had happened in Egypt, and hearing about Aurian afterwards, he really felt a need to visit Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.

For all their pranks and poor attitudes, the twins had always been good to him. They had always watched his back and made sure that he was prepared for anything. They even came to the med bay to chat with him when he was injured, despite the fact he knew neither of them really enjoyed being there. He could only imagine what they had gone through when they had lost Aurian; she had been very dear to them, and he understood that all too well.

Not to mention he wanted to see the familiar faces of the science team that had come to Earth. Most of them were good friends and he hadn't seen them in vorns. It was good to know that more of his comrades had arrived, it gave him hope that even more of them would be coming soon enough.

There was also the new, unusual and unexplainable femme: Proxy. He had heard a bit about her since her arrival on the base, but nothing much more than she was causing trouble here and there, and that she had some interesting quirks. The 'bots on base didn't always keep him the most up to date on things that weren't directly related to him, his mission, or something that could affect him or his mission. Especially so after it was deemed that Sam needed time to recover from recent events.

::Bumblebee to Optimus; I am currently on my way to rendezvous with transportation to Diego Garcia with Sam.::

::Has something happened?::

The young scout did not miss how distracted, and stressed the Autobot leader sounded. ::No, Sir. Sam just said he needed to be there.::

_::Needed_ to be here? Now?::

::He didn't even go to see Mikaela first...:: something inside Bumblebee was screaming that there was a glaring sign in front of him he just wasn't seeing. ::Is something going on there, Sir?::

::Indeed there is; however, if Sam believes he needs to be here, I do not think it a wise decision to discourage him. I am currently speaking with Major Lennox; we will arrange proper transportation. Be careful and stay alert.::

::Are the Decepticons up to something?::

::I wish it were so simple.::

Bumblebee felt like his frame had just lost all structure, like the world had shifted and left him falling. He had never heard Optimus describe a Decepticon plot as 'simple', meaning whatever was going on was beyond him. What could be worse? Did he really _want_ to know? _"Are you sure that this is where you want to be? You could stay around...find a better place."_

Sam was taken aback by his friend's strange message. "You don't want to go?"

"Sam," the young mech spoke with an unstable voice, but he felt that this was a moment that needed real spoken words, not clips from songs, movies, and news reports, "something is going on..."

"W-what do you mean, s-something, Bee? I mean, you know you can't just say something and not expect me to kind of lose it, right? Is this, some kind of...like, some kind of end of the world, the Decepticons are back something, or is it something like the base is getting remodeled something? I knew something bad was going to happen! What is it? Did someone die? Geez, I don't know if I wanna know..."

"Sam!" The mech strained himself to be heard over the boy's frantic ramblings. He played back what Optimus had told him, though he didn't really feel like it was a good answer for his charge's frazzled nerves.

"Man..." Sam sighed and scrubbed at his hair. "I knew something was going on, but that just seems a little over my head, you know?"

_"You could stay around..."_

"N-no. No. I need to go. I've ignored fate before and look what she did to me...to us...to everything. No. I'm going in head first this time and I'm going to do something before everything blows up in my face."

Bumblebee's engine went silent as he took in the weight of Sam's words. Optimus had called upon his charge once before, and Sam had turned away. Now he was going to answer another call, one without a face to blame for everything, one that reached out to him in a way no one else would ever be able to. He was proud of Sam in that moment; not that he hadn't been proud of his charge before, but now he knew Sam was so much more than even he thought he was. _"Things go wrong sometimes, things go right sometimes. We'll move on, won't get left behind. Life seems dark sometimes, then so light it blinds, but I want you to see; if there was a better place that I could be...that my better place is __when you're with me."_

"Thanks, Bee. That means a lot to me."

* * *

**_Most of Bumblebee's lines came from "A Better Place", by __Caught in the Act_****. Other songs belong to their rightful owners, but I cannot promise I remember where they came from. Just know that they all came from some song/movie clip/radio show/tv show that I have seen/heard somewhere. Ok? None of them are mine.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	122. Journal Entry 122

_**Where the slag have I been? Geeze, I've been looking for me everywhere and found nothing! Nothing! And here I am, showing up out of the blue with another chapter like nothing ever happened? It's like I have no consideration for myself. Pfft!**_

_Okay, now that my little rant is done:_

_Still going for the 3000th review. Sorry for the extreme time between updates lately, life and all that...mostly a lack of inspiration for SciFi lately. It's kinda killing me knowing that its sitting here, waiting for its ending and the best I can do is let it sit for weeks on end. -_-; I'm sorry, faithful readers, I know many of you have greatly enjoyed my steady pace of posting once a week only to be dragged into this endless holding pattern why I try to shovel up some muses to put on this. I hope that things will be picking up soon. That's the best I can say. I hope you enjoy._

_Again, all of Bumblebee's 'speaking' parts belong to their proper songs and other various sources. I used far too many to keep track of, but I claim no ownership of any of it, just the order in which they are strung together.  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

Sam and Bumblebee had thought that the flight to Diego Garcia would be quiet and relaxing; and for the most part, it was. However, as they came closer to their destination, Bumblebee started to get the feeling something just wasn't right. Everything just seemed so quiet.

::Bumblebee to Optimus.:: Maybe he was just being paranoid; watching after Sam had made him a little more edgy if the truth were told. ::Optimus?:: He asked again when there was no answer.

"Bee, I was thinking," Sam broke the silence with some distraction. He was doodling unintelligible signs on the floor where he sat next to his guardian. "Aurian did a lot for you guys and for us. Humans, I mean. She gave up everything for it...even her life."

_"__She had so much to give so she gave it away."_ The mech was deeply concerned with his charge's train of thought, completely forgetting about his attempt to contact the Autobot leader. He knew how it felt to think along those lines, all those that had given up everything for what they believed in. Especially those that had been close. It could be inspirational, but on the other hand, it could lead a being to do things that could never be corrected. He'd seen more than one 'bot charge head first into deactivation because of thoughts like these. _"It's time to think this through, and start to forget regretting."_

"No, that's not what I'm getting at. I was thinking about it. Aurian died...but so did I. The Primes brought me back, why didn't they bring her back too?" The boy looked thoroughly confused by the thought, like there was something missing from the equation.

"_See we can study history and philosophy and Plato's ideology, oh, oh, oh; but tomorrows still a mystery. No one knows tomorrow, oh, oh, ha."_

"Why was I different? Or..._was _I different? The more I think about it the more impossible it all seems. I mean, it just doesn't make any sense. I was running from my duties to the Autobots, to the Allspark I guess, but she didn't. She was _there_ and she was doing it all; why wouldn't they choose her over me if they could only choose one?"

_"The future's not ours to see..."_

"It just seems like a step backwards if you ask me."

"Sirs!" One of the pilots came rushing into the cargo hold. "There's a problem; nobody's answering our hails."

"What?" Sam jumped to his feet, instantly looking to Bumblebee for confirmation.

It was then the mech realized that Optimus had never answered his calls, very unlike him; even when he was extremely busy, he found a klik to at least let the scout know that he had received his message. ::Optimus? Ironhide? Ratchet? Someone respond!:: Still there came no answer. The young 'bot looked to the humans that were looking to him for some answer. _"Got still no answer no reply..."_

"What does that mean?" Sam asked of both the pilot and his friend; neither had an answer for him.

"I'm not sure," the pilot looked nervous. He was a soldier, prepared for battle, but not knowing what he might be coming upon didn't sit well with him at all. "We could turn back."

This time, everyone looked at Sam. It was his determination to go to Diego Garcia that had brought them this far. True, there had been very little to 'get through' to get to this point, but the young man had already made it pretty clear he felt he had a duty to fill, some responsibility to meet that he refused to ignore and their orders had been to comply with him.

"N-no...no, we can't just go back. No more running away." With a very resolute look in his eye, he nodded to the pilot who returned to the cockpit to share the message. "Bee, I don't know what we're about to get into...and I'm really, really scared, but I want to do it. Okay? I want to help."

"Sam..." the mech shook his head slightly, _"If I could run from this I swear, I'd take you with me, but this place has got the best of us again, and it won't just go away. We're driving in, with our hearts half-mast and there's nothing left to say..."_

"Exactly. I knew you'd understand."

As the plane landed, everyone on board prepared for the worst. The base was so quiet when the four disembarked that, for a moment, Sam thought that maybe they had arrived in the wrong place.

The sun had set, but no one had turned on the lights leaving only the few automatic lights to illuminate the whole of the base. It left much to be desired.

Among the deep shadows and looming dark shapes of the buildings, an awkward lump caught everyone's attention.

"What is that?" One of the pilots asked; a tall dark skinned man with a deep, island accented voice.

"Do we really want to know?" The other asked. He was the same man that had delivered the disturbing news back in the plane: shorter than the other man, but still touching at six feet with tanned skin and dark hair.

Not sure he wanted to know either, but knowing that not looking wasn't going to be an option, Sam took a few tentative steps forward. "Bee...can you shine a light?"

Making sure he could easily protect the humans from whatever danger the shadow posed, Bumblebee switched on the powerful lights lining his chest plates. What was revealed beneath the illumination was far more terrifying than what any of them had expected.

"That's one of the 'bots!" Sam shouted as he ran toward the blue and gray mech lying prone on the ground before him. Reaching the mech, the boy came to a few disturbing realizations; one was that he didn't know this mech by name – meaning he was one of the new arrivals – and that the mech appeared to still be online, but unmoving. "Bee, what's going on?"

Bumblebee was just as confused as his charge. Maybe even more so, as he looked down at the mech's motionless frame. ::Mirage? It's Bumblebee, are you functional?:: He crouched beside the master spy, ingrained programming taking him through the basics of first aid. There was nothing immediately apparent wrong with the mech. ::Mirage?::

"What's the verdict?" The tan pilot asked as he cautiously came to join the two.

"I don't know, he's just not moving. Bee?"

_"The lights are on, but nobody's home..."_ The mech replied, the worry on his face clearly making up for the joking sound of the movie clip. _"Spread out and search!"_ He finished with a rather demanding military man's voice.

"Air Marshal Dixion and I will sweep west, you two go east," the tan pilot stated, pointing out the directions as he spoke. "Meet up on the far north side."

"Okay," Sam agreed nervously.

Bumblebee resumed his vehicle mode and practically swept the younger man into his driver's seat as he started off. _"Watch your six!"_ He demanded of the other two as he began rolling toward the east.

"You too!" Both men answered back even as they slipped into the shadows to begin their search.

Sam kept quiet for a while, eyes wide searching for anything else amiss as they passed mile after mile of darkness. "Who was that?" He finally asked, unable to take the silence.

_"...a mirage..."_

"Mirage?"

_"Affirmative, Captain."_

"What do you think happened to him?"

_"Something ellusive as a dream...untouchable, look at how you found me...do the impossible..."_

It took Sam a moment to translate the message his friend was streaming at him. "So...you don't know?"

_"Precisely."_

"Wouldn't that have been easier to say?"

The scout twittered agitatedly.

"Sorry, I know," he patted the steering wheel in his hands softly. "So, something took out someone you think should be pretty much untouchable. But...it didn't kill him, right?"

_"I choose death before dishonor, I'd rather die than live down on my knees, bury me like a soldier, with my dignity!"_

"You don't think he actually fought anything?"

_"Not likely...options are few, results are clear..."_

"Okay, so he was taken out by something that didn't give him the chance to fight back...great. How are _we_ supposed to fight something like that?"

_"One step at a time, my friend. One step at a time."_

"Right. Find the others first. Maybe one of them will know what's going on."  
Soon they came upon the east shore and just as Bumblebee was preparing to turn away, they saw another collapsed mech half on the beach, half in the water. Sam didn't even think twice as he flung the door open and climbed out, allowing the scout to take his bipedal mode.

The young mech ran to the downed 'bot and struggled to haul him out of the water. He was thankful that Seaspray's design catered to the harshness of the ocean waters; otherwise, the mech might have been in serious trouble depending on how long he had been submerged.

"Another one down, huh?" Sam asked as he came up beside his guardian. He noted that this mech was yet another he was unfamiliar with: largely white in color with dark blue and gold markings.

_"Another one bites the dust...the lights are on, but nobody's home."_

"This is getting a little freaky, Bee. If all the 'bots are down and out, where are the humans?"

_"That, my friend, is an _excellent_ question!"_

Again, the two resumed their search.

It was less than an hour later that they reached their meeting point with the head count of four downed 'bots: Mirage, Seaspray, Skids and Mudflap all in the same condition. They were all apparently online, but unresponsive. Not one human had been counted among them.

"I don't know about you, but this is really creeping me out," Sam stated nervously as he pressed himself deeper into his seat. He felt like something was watching him, looming overhead just waiting for him to be vulnerable again. "Where are all the people?"

_"Some answers you have to search for..." _the mech responded, though the 'creepiness' of it all was not lost to him. He had never seen anything like this. The mechs were all downed, but not in a stasis lock, or any kind of shutdown mode, just...down. There were no signs of battle or anything. _"I'm feelin' a little edgy, if ya know what I mean..."_

"At least I'm not alone there."

About thirty minutes later, the two pilots arrived, looking rather confused and nervous. "You guys find anything?" Air Marshal Dixion asked as the two men huddled close to the mech in disguise.

"Four 'bots, no people," Sam answered quickly. "You?"

"Two 'bots, no people," the other man agreed. "They were just like that first guy. Any ideas?"

"No," Sam looked forlornly over the base. "Maybe they all took cover somewhere?"

"That's as good an idea as any," Dixion agreed, nodding his head toward the central building. "Hub's probably the best place to look."

"If they were in the hub," the second pilot argued, "they would have answered our calls earlier."

"Well, then where would everyone go, Sarvis?" Dixion demanded agitatedly. Obviously, the situation was getting to him.

_"Take shelter...heavy metal! Duck and cover...in case of emergency, seek appropriate shelter..."_

Bumblebee's tattered message gained everyone's attention. However, Dixion didn't seem in the mood for decrypting pieced together speeches.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"He means everyone went to the place that would offer the most protection. What building in this whole place is the best reinforced? The best protected?"

"The medical wing; mostly the surgical areas..." Sarvis said, starting to get an idea. "They all went there in case of some kind of unseen attack!"

"Everyone?" Dixion challenged. "Why would they abandon all posts? That's not protocol."

"Well, look around you, Air Marshal!" Sam exploded. "What of this screams protocol to you? The 'bots are down for some unknown reason and all the people are _missing_! Something about all of this just says 'not right' to me!" The boy almost slammed his fist down on the steering wheel before him, but paused at the last moment remembering that it was a part of one of his good friends and not the object of his frustration.

"Maybe the 'bots turned on them," the Air Marshal suggested with a suspicious look to the car in front of him.

"Don't start that crap, Dixion," Sarvis warned, "they've protected us against things we can't even imagine, why would they turn on us?"

"I don't know!" The dark-skinned man threw his hands up in frustration.

"Let's just go to the med bay..." Sam grumbled, attempting to diffuse the tension a little. "Worst case scenario, they're not there and we keep looking."

"Yeah," Sarvis agreed, "that sounds like our best option at this point. They have to be on base here somewhere; all the planes are still in the hanger, and the ships all looked docked when we came in."

Dixion took a deep breath, gathering himself as best he could. "Right, right, that makes sense." He patted the hood of the Camaro before him apologetically. "Sorry, friend. I'm just a little out of my element here."

There was no immediate response from the mech, causing all three humans to study the yellow car rather intently.

"Bee?" Deep concern filled Sam as he rubbed his hands over the steering wheel. "You forgive him right? I mean, people have said worse, at least he's saying 'sorry', right?" Silence. "Hey! Bee? What's goin' on?" Still there was nothing. "Bumblebee!"

The boy's escalating screams filled the dead air of the quieted base, desperate for an answer, yet receiving none. The two men with him could only look on in dumbfounded confusion. The mech had been attacked while they stood right there...and they hadn't even known.

"Come on, kid," Sarvis coaxed the boy. "We can't do anything for him if we don't figure out what's going on."

"I can't leave him! Not like this! What if something happens?"

"Something did happen," Dixion reminded him. "Come on, we are the only ones we know of that are still moving around here – we need to find out what's going on before something happens to us too."

Sarvis tugged at the door of the car, finding the door tight – resisting his efforts – but that he was able to pull it open with some effort to get to the panicked boy within. "Sam!" He demanded shortly. "What did you come here for?"

Confused by the question and not wanting to be distracted from his attempts to revive his friend, Sam brushed off the man. "Bumblebee, please don't leave me like this, I need you!"

"Sam!" The man demanded again, this time pulling the boy from the car. "Listen to me; what did you come here for?"

Dixion came around to shut the door, finding just as much resistance but accomplishing his task nonetheless.

As the door clicked shut, Sam seemed to realize that there was something more important here.

'Come, please, child. We need you...' A soft voice called just on the edge of his hearing. There, but not: half memory and half imagination.

"What?"

'Please, come to us, we need you...'

"I said," Sarvis said slowly, clearly, "what did you come here for?"

"T-to...I came here because..." Looking between the two men and his now silent friend, Sam struggled with the sense pulling at him.

'We need you're help, Samuel.'

"I came here to help...Aurian's gone and they need, um, they need someone so I came here. I knew something was going to happen! Why? Why did I have to know? Why Bee? Bee!" He tried again to rouse his friend. "Please, Bumblebee..."

"Then let's go help everyone, okay? We need to find the others." Sarvis tugged at the boy's arm.

'Samuel...'

"ALL RIGHT! All right. I know, okay? I'm here to help, let's help!"

'Thank you, Samuel...we knew we could count on you, child.'

With that, the three humans headed for the medical wing. The two pilots were on edge the whole way; however, Sam felt more drawn the closer they got. Before he knew what was happening, he was running with the two airmen chasing after him, calling for him to slow down and wait for them.

Crashing through the human-sized doors, the boy found himself in the 'bot's med bay looking for...what?

"Hello? Anyone here?"

Movement exploded within the room at his voice. People came from almost everywhere, all wielding some weapon in their hands as they did; even the ones that were clearly not trained in any weapon uses.

"Sam?" A familiar voice called out as things began to settle, the people gathered around Sam in a defensive circle.

"Will!" Sam couldn't believe the relief that flooded him at seeing the familiar army man. "What is going on here? What's happened to all the 'bots? Why is everyone in here?"

The major came forward, dragging the younger man into a firm hug. "It's good to see you kid, but I think you might have the worst sense of timing in the universe." Will pulled away, looking over the twice over world savior with a critical eye. "Where's Bumblebee?"

The crestfallen look that took over Sam was all the answer Will needed. It was much the same look he had when he had seen Ironhide fall to this strange attack.

"Sorry," he offered softly.

"What's going on," Sam demanded again trying to avoid the deep sense of panic over Bumblebee's current condition.

Will shook his head slowly. "We're not sure. The 'bots just started going down one by one. At first no one really realized it; we think Proxy was the first, but that femme isn't exactly the most stable thing on this base, then it was Sideswipe but he had been up for days so that really wasn't a surprise. I think Jolt actually put him under. Then Sunstreaker, but he had been going all out with Ironhide and with everything else, we didn't think much of that either. Then Prime went down, but he came back around, apparently, so not much was really put to that at the time. I guess it wasn't until Wheeljack and Arcee went down at the same time that everyone started to realize there was something wrong. Ratchet thought that he could figure out what was going on before it spread much further after, only to find Prowl and Jazz had fallen to it already and he quickly followed. It's been all downhill after that."

"What about you guys? You all look okay..."

"Yeah, none of us have had any problems..." Will didn't seem very sure about that but he shrugged. "If you exclude the mob-personality and the unspoken migration. Seems like everyone just came here, whether they wanted to or not."

Sam looked around at all the people. The moment he was no longer deemed any kind of threat they had started milling around rather pointlessly. "What are you _doing_ here?"

That made the man consider what had happened since every human on base had converged here. "Nothing..." he admitted somewhat guiltily. "It's like...we're all waiting for something."

"What?" Everyone's attention was grabbed yet again, as the two pilots finally caught up with Sam.

"That's just it," Will said, waving the others away again, "we don't know. It's like no one can hold a straight thought for more than a few minutes."

'Come to us Samuel...time is running short.'

When Will turned back to Sam, he was surprised to find the young man had wandered away. "Just like that."

Dixion spotted Sam a few seconds later, approaching the large – and largely mysterious – device known as Teletran Unknown. "He's doing something," the air Marshal pointed out.

"Sam?" The three men moved toward the younger man cautiously.

Sam was climbing the machine rather quickly, as if he knew exactly where he was going and what he was doing. Before any of them could have even thought of getting to him, he started pressing buttons.

"Sam, what are you doing?" Will and Epps - who had come to see what was going on when he had seen Sam making a bee-line for the machine - were both making attempts to climb Teletran Unknown to stop Sam when the machine erupted in blue electric light.

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	123. Journal Entry 123

_Still going for the 3000th review. Sorry for the extreme time between updates lately, life and all that...mostly a lack of inspiration for SciFi lately. It's kinda killing me knowing that its sitting here, waiting for its ending and the best I can do is let it sit for weeks on end. -_-; I'm sorry, faithful readers, I know many of you have greatly enjoyed my steady pace of posting once a week only to be dragged into this endless holding pattern why I try to shovel up some muses to put on this. I hope that things will be picking up soon. That's the best I can say. I hope you enjoy._

_Again, all of Bumblebee's 'speaking' parts belong to their proper songs and other various sources. I used far too many to keep track of, but I claim no ownership of any of it, just the order in which they are strung together.  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'Samuel...'

He felt light, heavy, drenched, and dried out all at once. Everything he could feel, he felt in some dizzying whirlpool of chaos, but it didn't scare him. It hadn't scared him the first time, either. He'd been confused, yes, but not scared.

"I did what you wanted!" He shouted and whispered to the winds that consumed his breath, looking up at the distorted images above the desert that was as full of life as a graveyard. "I did what you asked of me!"

"You did," the voices of the towering shadows agreed as they loomed over the boy's small body, "and more. We knew you were the one, Samuel."

"Why am I here again?" Last time...last time he had been dead. He had known it when he had been there and he had known it when he came back to life with the oh-so-mournfully sweet words of his heart's greatest desire. This time was different, though.

"We need your help, Samuel. All of us."

Sam looked around; the desert was just as barren as it had been before, only the great shadows looming above him to mark that he was not alone. "You?"

"It has become so much more than us, child," as the being spoke, the sky twisted and turned, rendering visions of unimaginable scenes.

Sam watched with a distant horror; deep inside he knew he was upset, but on the surface, he couldn't find the emotion to fully care. He saw Cybertronians he had become familiar with and ones he had never seen before, all trapped in some gruesome struggle against things he couldn't even name but to call them nightmares from the worst imaginations ever created. His breath caught when he saw the familiar frames of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker clashing together in some gracefully improbable move that launched them both into the fray with such violence that dozens of the monstrous bodies were turned to nothing more than smears across the seeming dreamscape war zone. The two mechs were beyond feral – they had become monsters themselves – and it showed in the way they completely ignored how their frames were falling apart, in the wild white shine of their optics, in the energon blue foam that frothed from their vents.

In another moment, he saw Ironhide, cannons white with heat but still unleashing unholy amounts of firepower as the mech plowed through the monsters as if they were nothing more than brick walls to knock down.

The scene went on forever, it seemed, with more mechs that he knew making momentary appearances as they fought against the hordes of monsters that seemed never-ending.

What grabbed his attention with no small amount of gut-wrenching disbelief – even in his currently emotionally numbed state – was seeing Ratchet looking wild and violent, tearing apart monsters with his hands. The mech was shouting something but Sam had only been granted vision, not sound. He had no idea what the medic was screaming, or if he was even saying anything that would have been considered intelligible.

"What is that?" Not that he knew what 'that' he was talking about, the scene? The way the mechs he knew so well were acting? The monsters? All of it?

"That..." the voice sounded mournful and hesitant as the scene migrated from the mass battle to one larger creature looming over the whole engagement. It was some mix between something organic and Cybertronian, yet neither. A small bit of silver kept blinking in and out of existence on the not-'bot's surface. "Is a part of us all that has turned dark in the hands of one that was corrupt by his own images of greatness."

"What?"

"When the Allspark that was known to the world of the mortal beings shattered – it was released from its confines...mostly. Parts of it were trapped in the shards that did not fully degrade."

"The shard that Optimus found in Megatron's frame...and the shard that I had."

"Correct."

"What does that have to do with...all of that?" He waved his hand across the entirety of the image he was still being shown.

"The Allspark itself was not truly an object; it was bound to an object. Now that it has been released, mostly, it has set itself to accomplish its original program."

"Why do I get the feeling I don't really want to know what that is?"

"It simply wishes to ensure that its creations survive; however, its original parameters have become askew. The being once known as the Allspark has chosen to circumvent the primary rule to allow sentience to dictate their own path in the universe – it believes it knows better and will go to extremes to protect what it deems is its to protect."

Sam felt confused, twisted, trying to follow the thought process that went with what the Original Primes – because he knew now without doubt that was who he was speaking with – were attempting to describe to him. "So...it's trying to do the right thing but it's doing the wrong thing instead?"

"In the most basic sense, yes."

"What am I suppose to do to stop it?"

"Not just you, Samuel. Your kind; your race." The horrendous scene of endless battle faded back to the barren desert of before, only this time shadows that mimicked that of humans began to rise and walk toward him. "You must bring them to the battle."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"Open the door, lead them through."

Sam thought. His mind was almost entirely accepting of this task, but his heart screamed at him that it wasn't right. There was something off, something out of place. "We can't fight that..." he realized aloud. "The Cybertronians are being torn to pieces by that thing – that horde – how the Hell are us tiny little specks of flesh supposed to stand any chance against them?"

The constant motion of the desert came to a standstill. The winds ceased howling, the shadows stopped moving and suddenly Sam felt that he was staring at a painting, no longer a part of the scene.

"They must become one..."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Proxy hit the ground hard. Harder than any time she could ever remember hitting the ground – how many times was that anyway – and her intakes were frozen for several kliks as they desperately tried to reset and bring in much needed cool air. There really was no cool air to be had; the entire place felt filled with nothing but scorched fire, the atmosphere hot enough to melt wiring too close to the surface. She couldn't focus, couldn't cycle air, couldn't _move_.

'Move,' she demanded of herself from somewhere deep inside. 'Move or die.'

'I don't want to die!'

'Then move! Now, Proxy, now!'

Arguing with herself may have sounded crazy, but it was all she had at this point. Rolling under the near panicked demands of herself screaming in her own audios, Proxy managed to miss being hit by another attempt to swat her by the monster she had been facing off against.

"Child, stop fighting us!"

"No!" She tried to shout, but her voice came out as nothing more than a staticky growl.

The monster One growled angrily, swiping at the writhing silver protoform beneath her again. How the damaged and worn femme kept slipping her grip, One would never understand, but she was determined to capture this all-so-important component to its solution. "Child," it cooed sympathetically as she coddled the struggling frame in her hand, lifting her up to view the scene she had created. "Look upon our children."

Proxy knew better than to look, but couldn't help herself. She had been so focused on staying out of One's grip and trying to strike back at the monster that she hadn't spared a moment to see what was happening around her. She knew there were others around, she could feel them, hear them, but she had not seen them until now. Her already struggling vents stopped completely at what she saw. "You're destroying them!" She practically screamed at the sight. Cybertronians of every size and shape were laying into the smaller monsters surrounding them, their weapons burning with overuse and energon spilling from them from so many impossible wounds that there was no way they should still be standing.

"We are unmaking them," One corrected. "All will become one, and one will become all. Your attempts at fighting us have simply accelerated our progress. All you are doing is wearing yourself out, child. We cannot tolerate that, we need you to be safe."

"No," her protest was a broken plea now. Seeing all of the lives that were being torn apart right before her was breaking her spark. "Please, stop!"

"Darling," the monster drew Proxy close to her body in a mock hug, "we cannot stop what has already begun, but we can stop the suffering. Give in, stop fighting us and we will stop the pain."

How could she say no? How could she let them keep fighting when they were so obviously losing? "I..." Then again, how could she simply give in and let One force all these lives that were fighting so valiantly for what she believed in to become nothing more than mindless drones? Her spark was torn, her processor screaming as she tried to think. There was just too much and it was taking over her.

Just as she was sure she could take no more, a horrible sound tore through the battlefield, bringing everything to a standstill. The sound was that of shattering glass, of tortured metal being rent to pieces, of everything being unmade all at once and forced into something new. It brought all of the Cybertronians to their knees and sent the monsters thrashing about as if it were their very bodies being torn.

"What is going on?" One demanded of the world around them. She searched for the source of the sound, but could not pin it to any one thing.

Proxy, unable to take the sound, struggled to make some kind of escape. She only managed to free herself from One's grip, falling to the ground once more. This time, she was sure she wasn't going to get up again. Her processor was too fuzzy, her body too worn down. "I give..." she started to say, but a hand touching her face stopped her.

Looking up she looked upon an unfamiliar face – a soft face with soft wet eyes, fleshy lips and hair. It was a young man looking down on her, a mix of worry, anger and confidence in his expression.

"Aurian...Proxy...don't give in just yet. This fight isn't over yet."

"Who..." no, she knew this young man. It had been a long time since she had seen him; it had been Aurian to see him last, actually. "Sam? How did you get here?"

"What? You think you're the only one with funky Allspark powers? No way!" He smiled. It was strange and goofy and oh-so-out-of-place in their current surroundings, but it was enough to bring a spark of hope back to Proxy. "Come on, get up. The cavalry's here and we need to rally!" He offered her a hand to which the femme took note was matched to her own. Just as Aurian had been unusually matched to her size before, Sam stood as though there weren't feet of difference in their height.

Looking back over the battle, Proxy could see the monsters still writhing in pain at the horrible sound echoing through the world, but it didn't bother her so much now. To her great surprise, she noticed that Sam wasn't the only human within this off world either. Standing beside every Cybertronian was a human, each with similar looks of out-of-place jubilance.

"What is going on here?"

"Well, see, when One went all AWOL, the Primes decided that maybe you could use a hand. I mean, in this war for sentience don't you think all endangered persons should be allowed to defend themselves?"

"The Primes brought humans into the Parking Lot?" For some reason, Proxy felt violated by the idea; and a little scared for the humans coming to surround her.

"No, they brought the Parking Lot to the humans," the smirk on Sam's face was pure mischief.

"I...don't understand."

"Trust me, neither do I." Sam looked over the weird world; it was some strange mix of an apartment complex, an oversized parking lot, and Diego Garcia.

The Primes had said that they would make the two one; but they never really explained how, or what that would mean, but here they stood in the middle of two worlds that looked like they had been thrown into a centrifuge together and had somehow come out looking almost right.

"It's temporary," he went on to explain as everyone looked to Proxy and himself for answers. "As long as we win, things will go back the way they're supposed to be..."

"No," the cool, flat statement rumbled through the air as One loomed overhead. It took all she had to bring her monsters around, but little by little, she was regaining control over them. "You cannot defeat us, child. You are one of us, one of all."

"Not exactly," Sam challenged as he looked nervously up at the monster One. "Oh my god, that thing is huge..." his voice quivered as he continued to look up, and up, and up until he could just feel his neck aching at the angle he held his head just to see the monster's face.

"It's not the size that counts," a heavy voice rumbled from his left as a familiar black form stepped forward. Ironhide hefted his cannons up, still glowing white-hot from overuse.

"It's how you use it!" Another familiar voice, that of Will Lennox, agreed as he came to stand beside his partner.

It was weird, Sam thought, to see how similar Will and Ironhide looked when they were brought so close in size. Yes, Ironhide still towered over the man, but now it was only by a few feet, instead of several.

Proxy nearly jumped from her frame as two strong presences came up behind her. She knew them without looking at them, she could feel them. The two mechs were worn to the deepest part of their frames but still ready to fight. She marveled at their strength.

"Enough talking," Sideswipe growled in a deeply feral voice. Proxy could only imagine that Sunstreaker was so far beyond talking at the moment that the silver twin spoke for both of them.

On some silently spoken cue, several 'bots and humans rushed forward to take on One, while others turned and rushed back into the horde of One's monsters.

This time the numbers were far more balanced; the teams of Cybertronians and humans working almost seamlessly with one another to render the horde powerless.

Proxy and Sam moved as if one mind; allowing the others to distract One as they scaled the monster, they knew where they needed to be and what they needed to do now, as if the Primes were speaking to them, guiding them - and perhaps they were. Each had one piece of the solution and together they knew, _knew_ they had One defeated – so long as they could reach their goal.

One roared and screamed as she was assaulted by blades and guns: by humans and Cybertronians. These, her children – as she viewed them – were striking as if intending to destroy her, but they could not. Why didn't they understand they could never destroy her? "We are all!" She screamed at them. "You will all become one!"

Just as she swung at yet another infuriating group of offending beings, One became aware of what was about to happen to her, but it was too late.

Proxy dug deep into the non-flesh/non-metal of One's back, pushing herself past the barrier of the image of One's body.

Sam clung to Proxy's other hand with everything he had, the femme's metal was burning him, but that didn't matter. His whole body could ignite in flame and it wouldn't matter, so long as they did what they were here to do. "Hurry!" He encouraged the femme.

Proxy could feel herself being crushed by One's body as she tried to reject the femme, but it was too late now. She was inches from her goal and nothing One could do now would stop her...well, that's what she thought, anyway.

"NO!" One screeched, forgetting about the beings attacking from all around. She thrashed and spun trying to reach the invader on her back, but quickly found that she would not be able to grasp the femme and her human cohort in time, so in one last desperate effort, One plunged her own hand into her chest to save the thing the invader was after. "YOU CANNOT HAVE US!" She grasped her core being and wrenched it out of Proxy's reach right as the femme's fingers touched it, then stared at the small spark of her very life essence as it pulsed in her own hand. "No..."

"Proxy! Hurry!" Sam pulled at the femme to help her dislodge herself from the now liquefying body of the monster. "We have to get it!"

"I know, I know!" The femme struggled to scale the monster, trying to reach the hand holding the spark of life, but the non-flesh/non-metal body was falling apart, becoming a sludge that sucked anything that touched it in. "Sam!"

"I'm stuck! I can't!"

Pure desperation filled the femme as she watched the spark of life fluttering, losing form and falling apart. "No, no, no!"

As the hand fell, no longer a part of the body that was itself ceasing to exist, one form stood beneath it with arms outstretched as if to catch it. The slimy non-flesh/non-metal/non-solid substance sloshed over the mech's frame in a horribly heavy, liquid sound, leaving nothing but an awkward lump behind.

"OPTIMUS!" Both Proxy and Sam screamed as they watched the Autobot leader be crushed beneath the dismembered limb.

All around the monsters faded into nothingness, the humans and Cybertronians fighting them turning their attention to the mass that was once One. Several of them were struggling to get free of the liquid pooling around them, but others rushed in trying to reach Optimus.

Proxy and Sam worked together to pull each other forward, every step becoming a new battle to keep moving, but neither would stop until they reached the lump they had seen Optimus become buried beneath.

"Gods, please don't let this be the end," Proxy dug into the slime as she begged aloud for some hope that everything had not just been lost to them because she had not been fast enough.

"He's fine, he has to be," Sam added his own, panicked but positive mantra to Proxy's own.

Others reached them, joining in the effort to dig the Prime out of his disturbing prison.

As hands touched solid metal, hopes rose. It took several bodies to pull the large mech from the slime only to have all hopes plummet at his too-still form.

They dragged him as far as they could before Ratchet, Jolt, First Aid and Wheeljack were on top of them. The medics set to work immediately, unclogging vents and searching for any place the slimy liquid could have seeped into that could cause damage.

Bumblebee, torn by the sight, still knew where he was needed. The little yellow 'bot went to his human friend and charge and pulled the boy-turning-man away from the scene. It was almost relieving to him to be able to put his arm around Sam's shoulders, to be able to hug him properly as he tried to reassure him that everything was going to be okay.

Sam, for his part, couldn't spare a moment in his panicked mind to notice the oddness of it all; he was all too willing to accept the strangeness and the comfort provided by it.

"Proxy?" Sideswipe came to stand in front of the femme, blocking her view of what was going on.

"Optimus," she whispered, refusing to believe she had just seen the mech destroyed.

"He's a strong mech," Sunstreaker assured her as he came to stand behind her.

Both of the front-liner twins were exhausted, their battle rage having consumed everything they had to offer. They struggled just to stand, but as long as Proxy needed him, Sideswipe would stay for her and Sunstreaker would stay for Sideswipe. Or that is what he would tell anyone who asked.

Proxy couldn't help herself as she moved forward, burying her face into Sideswipe's chest and wrapping her arms around him desperately. She just wanted all of this to be over and for everything to be okay. She was tired of fighting, of being confused and out of place.

Sideswipe didn't even hesitate to accept the femme and wrap his arms protectively around her. "It's going to be okay, Proxy. Just have a little faith."

Feeling safe for the first time in a long time, Proxy let herself believe that Sideswipe's words were true, that everything would be okay. Then he was gone.

Alarm swept through her as she lurched forward, no longer having the mech to support her. "Sides?" She looked around to see that the others were vanishing as well. Some of them quickly, there one klik and gone the next, and some slowly as if they were walking away and out of sight. Humans and Cybertronians alike were leaving the strange two-world collage of a battleground, leaving Proxy alone in the wrecked world.

Once all were gone and she was alone, the femme found herself at a loss for what to do. She collapsed to the ground looking over the empty Parking Lot with something between fear and sorrow. What had happened to everyone? Had they truly failed and this was the end of everything? Was she to be left here to live in the world of her failure?

A soft trill and the sense of something pressing against her hand drew Proxy's attention. There, as if nothing at all were wrong, was Ruby rubbing her strange little head against her hand and making soft sounds of happiness.

"Ruby? What are you doing here?"

The little cat'bot leaped up on the femme's arm and quickly made her way to Proxy's head. In less than one cycle of air, the symbiote was back where she so happily believed she belonged, and Proxy knew that everything really was okay.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

* * *

**Quick note: Yes. I am aware this is VERY weird. I like it that way and I apologize. Yes, I also understand there are more questions raised in this than answers given and I hope to have answers for them over the next few chapters.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	124. Journal Entry 124

_Still going for the 3000th review. Sorry for the extreme time between updates lately, life and all that...mostly a lack of inspiration for SciFi lately. It's kinda killing me knowing that its sitting here, waiting for its ending and the best I can do is let it sit for weeks on end. -_-; I'm sorry, faithful readers, I know many of you have greatly enjoyed my steady pace of posting once a week only to be dragged into this endless holding pattern why I try to shovel up some muses to put on this. I hope that things will be picking up soon. That's the best I can say. I hope you enjoy._

_Again, all of Bumblebee's 'speaking' parts belong to their proper songs and other various sources. I used far too many to keep track of, but I claim no ownership of any of it, just the order in which they are strung together.  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Are you sure, Ratchet?"

"For the last time, Sideswipe," Ratchet growled at the overbearing front-liner, "I don't know. It's the only thing I can think of."

"But..."

"Sideswipe, one more word out of you and I'm kicking you out."

"Over my deactivated frame you are!"

"That can be arranged."

The two arguing mechs were hardly willing to follow through on any threats of violence. In truth, it was a semblance of normalcy that both were all too happy to enjoy. Now, if only they could bring about the femme that still lay in some kind of stasis, everyone could cycle air easier.

Sunstreaker, standing near Proxy's head where the medic had managed to reattach Ruby, could feel his twin's growing anxiety with every klik that passed without the femme waking.

It had really been a last ditch effort. Nothing else seemed to be working and the medics had no other ideas. A forced merging between symbiote and host really wasn't the best of thoughts, but as their only other option, no one was willing to argue the sense of it.

"Hey guys, how's it goin'?" Sam called out as he entered; Bumblebee close on his heels.

"Sam, Bumblebee! When did you two get here?" Ratchet quickly scanned the boy and the young mech behind him almost instinctively.

"Last night..." there was a deep hesitance to the boy's voice that the medic noted as suspicious. "Bee told Optimus we were coming...surprised he didn't tell anyone else."

"I see..." Was Sam lying? There was a distinct lack of his usual rambling when he was trying to cover his own lies, leading Ratchet to believe there was something else awry.

Sam rubbed the back of his head as he was studied by the CMO. "So, how's Proxy?" He attempted to diffuse the situation somewhat.

"Still offline," the medic vented. He had really hoped that joining Proxy and Ruby would bring at least one of them out of this stasis, but it seemed as though his hopes were for nothing.

"Oh," the boy looked over the still femme with something like confusion and worry. "What's keeping her out?"

"I don't know," Ratchet admitted.

"Mind if I...um...I mean...can I see her?" He fidgeted as he spoke; like he wasn't sure exactly what he was asking, or who it might set off.

"What do you think _you_ can do," Sunstreaker snarled. He might have learned some tolerance for humans but as a rule, he still thought they were rather disgusting.

Bumblebee chirped angrily at the golden front-liner, sweeping the human into his hands to bring him closer to the offline femme.

"Cool your engines, Sunstreaker," Ratchet scolded, motioning Bumblebee to go ahead and bring the boy closer. "He's not going to hurt her."

"He's not going to help her, either," the front-liner grumbled, but made no move to stop the scout from setting the human on the berth beside Proxy.

Sideswipe kept his thoughts to himself, but watched Sam very closely as he moved closer to the femme. Aurian had charged him once with protecting Sam – surely Proxy would feel similarly for the boy – but what did he think he was going to do? If none of the medics knew how to help her, there was no way a human would know, was there? Then again, Sam had possessed the knowledge of the Allspark...

Under the watchful eye of all the mechs around him, Sam reached out and touched the femme's cheek. Her metal was warm, almost uncomfortably so but not enough to burn. He felt a soft tingle run through his hand and up his arm. "Hey there," he whispered quietly. "Don't you think it's time to come back to the world you saved?"

There was silence for a while, yet the awkward smile on Sam's face never faltered. The mechs watching didn't quite understand what Sam thought he saw, but whatever it was, he seemed to think was a good thing.

"Come on, Proxy, open your eyes...er...optics...whatever."

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker both reached to the femme over their bond, seeking whatever glimmer Sam seemed to have found. To their surprise, the femme returned their probing with groggy, confused, nudges of her own.

'Proxy?' Sideswipe called desperately. 'Please, come back to us.'

"I never went anywhere," the femme answered aloud, her voice weak and gravelly from lack of use.

Before anyone could say or do anything, Sideswipe had the femme in his arms nearly crushing her with his relief. 'I thought I had lost you again,' he practically wept through their bond, not caring that there were others around to see him tremble as he held her. 'You scared the Pit out of me!'

Ratchet made some sound as if to discourage the mech, but when he saw that she was returning the embrace with almost as much urgency, decided that maybe he could let them have a moment before he let his medical programming pull them apart.

'Oh, Gods! Sideswipe, you're okay!' Her relief flooded over their bond like a tidal wave, drowning the twins within. "Sunstreaker? Where's Sunny?" Proxy only released her grip around Sideswipe's neck enough to look for the golden mech.

"I'm here," Sunstreaker assured the femme, but made no move to get any closer. "I'm fine." In truth, he was astonished and...happy? Relieved? Absurdly envious? No, he was going to go with happy, for his brother.

He had known that his twin had cared for Aurian more than he should have – the example of how he fell apart at her deactivation was evidence enough of that (not that he was going to note his own reaction) – and he had likewise known he had transferred much of that too-much care over to Proxy once he discovered her connection to the human, but he hadn't really realized just how deeply that caring went. Or that it was returned so completely. He did not belong in that equation. Not at the moment anyway. She needed Sideswipe, Sideswipe needed her, and that was enough. He was happy just knowing that they were safe for the moment, both in body and in spark.

"And everyone else?" She swung around to see Ratchet, a fearful look on her face. "Is everyone else okay?"

"...Of course," the medic assured, confused as to what had her so worried. "Why would anyone not be alright?"

"One..." she uttered the name with great distaste and fear. It was at that moment she spotted Sam, still with a confident look and an awkward smile on his face. "Where's Optimus?"

"In his office," the human stated rather matter-of-factually. "I just left there myself. He's good. He even said he wanted to see you whenever you were up for it."

Proxy looked from Sam, to Bumblebee behind him, to Ratchet, to Sunstreaker and then to Sideswipe. All of the mechs were looking at her as though she had fried her processor, but Sam...Sam seemed to understand.

"And the..."

"Safe," the boy promised. "Right were it's supposed to be."

Ratchet scowled at the two trying to understand what they were talking about. Sam and Proxy had never crossed paths, so there was no common 'thing' for them to be speaking of. Then again, _Aurian_ and Sam had crossed paths a time or two, but still there was no common 'thing' he could think of that the two humans had shared in common other than being approached for liaison; but a job hardly consisted of a 'thing' that could be 'safe' or 'right where it was supposed to be'.

Proxy vented a deep cycle of relief and turned her face back into Sideswipe's chest. "Thank goodness."

"What are you two talking about?" Sunstreaker didn't like feeling left out of the loop, he was already excluded from something deeper than siblings between his brother and Proxy, this certainly was as out of the loop as he could imagine being. A human and his sister speaking about something that no one else knew about? Unacceptable.

"One," Proxy mumbled.

"And the spark of life," Sam finished.

"What the slag is all of that supposed to mean?" The golden front-liner demanded, still not understanding.

"It's...complicated," Sam shrugged. "I don't really know how to explain it."

"Over," Proxy grumbled. "Just...it's over and that's all that matters."

Ratchet could see tension draining from the femme's frame. Whatever the two were speaking of had taken away all of the fear and anxiety she had come online with; and maybe even a little she had been carrying with her all this time. "All right, well if whatever it is, or was, is over; then we should move on with our business, don't you think? Sideswipe, put her down so I can make sure everything is working."

Sideswipe was hard pressed to follow the order; he honestly wasn't done assuring himself that the femme was actually there and online in his arms. He hadn't realized how sure he had become that this was never going to happen again; that Proxy was lost to him forever. His spark was still twisting and tumbling in painful ways from before.

Proxy wasn't helping the issue any by pulling herself closer to the mech. She felt the safest she had ever felt in his arms and she really didn't want to leave that comfort zone just yet.

"Now," Ratchet demanded.

It was Sideswipe who responded to the growing irritation of the medic first. He set the femme down, but refused to let her go completely. His hand quickly sought out hers and held it as tightly as he dared without hurting her and she returned the grip nearly as ferociously.

"Thank you." The CMO wouldn't admit it, but to see the two acting like this warmed his spark. He was still against the idea of them bonding, simply because Proxy was so newly sparked and because of the circumstance of her spark that he couldn't be sure what would happen to them – to Sunstreaker even – if they did. Still, it was a refreshing sight in the darkness of the war that seemed to refuse to let them go.

"We're gonna go ahead and go, okay?" Sam announced as Bumblebee retrieved him from the berth. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay, Proxy. Good to see you."

"You too," the femme nodded slightly to the human, an appreciative smile on her face.

"See ya," he waved as his guardian carried him out of the med bay.

It was then that Proxy realized someone else had gone. "Where's Sunny?"

"He left," Sideswipe vented. "He wanted to go blow off some steam, or something like that. He doesn't deal well with the med bay."

"If I recall, neither do you..." the femme looked almost accusingly at the mech still clinging to her hand.

"As long as you are here, I can deal with anything."

"Cheesy."

"Still true," he laughed. He felt good; like some horrible weight had been lifted from his spark. Yet, he was worried about Sunstreaker; his twin had blocked their bond for the first time since he had forgiven him for caring about a human. There was something bothering the golden front-liner and Sideswipe didn't like it one bit that he had no idea what it was.

Proxy felt the block as well and Sideswipe's concern on top of that. "Are you sure you don't want to go check on him? I'll be fine here with Ratchet looking over me."

"I'm sure he's just being an aft about something unimportant. Maybe he was offended Sam touched you or something..."

"Okay, how about I rephrase that," the femme sat up a little straighter, looking directly into the mech's optics as she spoke. "Go check on your brother. I hate it when you two are at odds."

"I agree," Ratchet interjected even as he continued on about his evaluation. "I will have Proxy busy for a few joors, you might as well go bother your brother instead of me."

Sideswipe scowled at the medic. "Nice, Ratch." He vented heavily. Despite his overwhelming need to stay here with Proxy, touching her, feeling her physically there with him; something was bothering Sunstreaker and he honestly had no clue as to what. That bothered him just a little more than the thought of leaving the femme.

'Please?' Proxy nudged over their bond. 'He won't talk to me at all...I don't know what I did to upset him, but I'm sorry.'

'It wasn't you,' Sideswipe reassured her, although he wasn't entirely sure of that himself. "All right," he agreed after a few more moments of glares from Ratchet and pleading from Proxy. "But you let me know the klik you're done."

"Deal!" The femme held out her hand and when Sideswipe didn't immediately respond to the gesture, she took his hand in hers and shook it up and down firmly three times. "Now go."

Reluctantly, the silver twin left the med bay to seek out his brother.

"Now," Ratchet said as he put his tools aside. "Tell me what all of that was about with you and Sam."

"Oh...that...um...so how much do you recall from the last several joors?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

It took a little bit of time to find his brother with their bond blocked as it was. Sunstreaker was definitely seeking solitude.

He found the mech hiding on the other side of the island, as far from any sentient life as he could get.

Approaching his brother, he spared no sentiment of greeting. He simply sat beside him and looked out over the same landscape as the golden front-liner. "Sunny, what's bothering you?" There never was much tact between them; the twins had always known the ins and outs of each other. There simply was no sense in beating around the bush.

"Nothing."

Sideswipe would have argued – in fact, he almost did – but the tone of Sunstreaker's voice made him think twice. His twin didn't sound angry, or upset, or troubled at all: just as if he weren't quite all there. "Then why are you keeping me out?"

"I thought I'd give you two some private time." He shrugged as if it were something that had happened a thousand times before. "You really like Proxy," he noted as though it were an interesting change in weather. "I hadn't really noticed until now."

"Well, yeah. Of course I do, you do too."

"Not like you do."

"Yes, you do! You put your neck out for her just as much as I have."

"That's not what I'm talking about, Sides!" There was a slight growl to Sunstreaker's voice at this point. "Look, I love that femme more than I ever thought I could love anyone but you. She's special and I would give my spark to save her if it came down to it..."

"So would I..."

"I know that!" The golden twin vented heavily a few times before he continued. "I know that, Sides, but you would go so much further than that. Proxy is my sister; I will not argue that and I treat her like it. _You...you_ love her. You need her."

"Sunny,"

"Sides, just shut up and listen to me for once. That femme needs you as much as you need her. I saw it as clear as an open spark just now in the med bay. You two are...you...were made for each other." The golden front-liner struggled with his thoughts. He wanted to give his brother his blessings to seek a deeper relationship with Proxy, but he was no good at expressing such things. Not only that, but there was still a part of him that wanted to keep Sideswipe to himself - that thought they should stick to each other and only each other because that was the way it had always been - but that part was small and diminishing.

"Sunny, you're not jealous are you?"

"No! Slag it, Sideswipe! Aren't you listening to anything I'm saying?"

"Open your bond so I can hear you better," the silver twin prodded. He thought he knew what Sunstreaker was saying, but he wanted to know what his brother was feeling. That was far more important to him than any words.

Rolling his optics, Sunstreaker allowed his bond to open, both to Sideswipe and to Proxy. He was curious to check up on the femme anyway.

Over their bond, Sideswipe poked and prodded, seeking out the most hidden feelings his twin had and tried to put them all together with what he was saying. "You want me to bond with her?"

"If that's what you two want, yeah."

"I couldn't do that to you! It doesn't matter..." he froze in his words realizing what he was about to say.

"It doesn't matter how much you want to? Because you _do_ want to. I know you do, Sides, there's no point in trying to hide that from me. You love her, you want her and it's pretty clear that she feels the same for you. There's no reason why you shouldn't."

"But Sunny, I can't. We're same-spark twins; we can't just bond like any normal mech out there..."

"Have you even talked to Ratchet?"

"Well...no...but you remember the lectures we used to get when we were just younglings."

"They had no clue then."

"You think they do now?"

Both twins sat in silence as they remembered their past and thought about their current state of being. When had things become so complicated? They used to just fight, be repaired, play pranks, fight some more, get thrown in the brig and cause general havoc for all of those around them. Their life was as easy as one life dedicated to a war could be. Yet now...now there was more to it.

"Talk to Ratchet," Sunstreaker encouraged.

"He'd slag me before I got two words out."

"Then talk to one of the others, it doesn't matter."

"It does, Sunny."

"Why?"

Sideswipe glared at his twin incredulously. "What if I hurt you? I can live with almost anything, Sunstreaker, but if I hurt you...really hurt you...I couldn't live with myself. Proxy wouldn't want that either and you know it."

"You're an idiot."

"And you're an egotistical aft, what's your point?"

Again, silence fell over them, but this time neither was willing to return to the topic at hand. There was just too much confusion and emotion tied up in it all and neither was really interested in trying to decipher any of it just yet. They understood the basics and for now that was good enough.

"So," Sunstreaker started after several breems had gone by, "did you have a really weird memory cycles last orn?"

"Yeah...they were...I've never seen anything like that. I don't think they were files. You had it too?"

"Yeah. Pit, I felt it when I woke up. Felt like I'd been slagged fifty times over."

"Yeah, me too."

"What do you think all that was about?"

Sideswipe pondered over the memories that were too vivid for anything but real life, yet far too strange to be anything real at all. "Proxy? She has some pretty glitched memory files, maybe somehow her files and our files mixed and that's what we got from it?"

"I don't know, Sides. It felt really real..."

"I know..."

The twins shuttered almost in unison as they remembered the rage, the anger and the pain that had wracked their bodies while they fought off strange monsters they couldn't even name.

"Think...the humans might know?"

"No, there's no way. It was just a corrupt mix of data." Sideswipe didn't want to believe any of that had been real. He had seen far too savage a look on far too many familiar faces to be comfortable with the thought of it having been real. It was like they had all given themselves over to the same battle programming that drove Sunstreaker into his berserker rage, and it terrified him to think that might have been the fact of it. Not only that, but there were the implications behind it all. "It was just a...dream," he decided, choosing the word from a human definition that fit the situation. "Just a dream." Aurian used to have dreams...

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ resumed_; picking up_

_ It made absolutely no sense what so ever. None. Not even an inkling of sense in an upside down universe that rotated backwards._

_ Nobody remembered the battle with One._

_ No._

_ Body._

_ At least as far as Ratchet, the twins, Bumblebee and Ironhide went. And I KNOW they were all there. I remember – Gods how I remember – seeing them all. They fought like beasts, surpassing their limits and pushing on until their very frames were falling apart..._

_ Maybe...maybe it's better they don't remember? Maybe that was the final kindness of One; or of the Primes; or of whomever it was looking out over the 'bots that time. I should be happy for them...right? That they don't remember fighting like more than their lives depended on it (only because it did, I guess)? I should be happy for that...but I'm not._

_ This one great battle was the most any of them could ever give; it was EVERYTHING they could give and more, but they will never know what they've done for themselves, for the world around them and for their fellow sentient creatures. Somehow, I just don't think that's fair. No one should be able to take that away from them..._

_ One shouldn't be able to take that away from them._

_ Pit, that beast is still causing me strife._

_Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	125. Journal Entry 125

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; not always what you think_

_ Once Ratchet cleared me to be able to walk again, not anything else – _just_ walk – and he preferred that to be with supervision... I went to see Optimus. It wasn't that I didn't believe Sam; I mean, if Optimus had died or been seriously injured, all the 'bots on base would be up in arms about it, so obviously, the mech was functional, but I still wanted to see him with my own optics. I _needed_ to see him for the sake of my spark and my processor._

_ When I arrived, he smiled as though he had been waiting for me._

_ Damn...it's a trap._

_Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How are you feeling?"

Proxy looked nervously up at the large Autobot leader. Despite everything that she knew of him, everything that had happened, the mech still unnerved her. "I...I..." she stuttered unintelligibly a few times before biting down on the words. She pulled in a few deep cycles of air before trying again. "How are you even alive?" She demanded, her processor far too full of the images from the Parking Lot. "I saw...I wasn't the only one, _everyone _saw you..."

"Proxy, please, calm yourself." Optimus stood and came to stand before the apprehensive femme. "I understand you have questions and that is why I expected to see you. Please, have a seat." He waved to a chair opposite his desk. "I have already spoken with Samuel; he will join us shortly so that the three of us may discuss this together, but for now I will attempt to answer some of your questions."

The femme sat, uncomfortable in the Prime's presence. "You..." she vented in frustration, trying to get her thoughts together. "The spark of life...can we start with that?"

"A very large topic to start with, but I can understand your want to know." Optimus made his way back to his own chair, settling himself before continuing to speak. "Samuel and I have discussed this while you were still in stasis. As I understand it, the Original Primes imparted knowledge upon the two of you of the true condition of the thing we once knew as the Allspark."

"One," Proxy spoke before she even thought of it, but silenced herself quickly.

"Yes, the being that came to you as One was a part of the whole being we speak of as the Allspark. It is a little disorienting to process, I understand."

"No, I think I get it. One was the Allspark before it shattered; she told me that. She didn't mention she was only a part of it."

"An aspect, really," the Prime attempted to clarify. "The Spark of Life was the generating factor within the Allspark. It was the part that allowed us to pull forth sparks, to create life on our world. It was contained within the Allspark – and the program surrounding it – to keep it from getting out of hand. Unfortunately, when the Allspark was destroyed, the Spark of Life was consumed by the program; it became aware and wanted to create – as it was designed to do – but it had been corrupted by the touch of other sparks."

"Megatron," again Proxy hadn't intended to speak, but the name slipped before she could stop herself.

"Yes..." The Autobot leader vented heavily at the reminder of his brother's corrupted spark. "Among others."

"I guess I can see it," the femme continued, this time trying to take away some of the sadness she saw crawling over the mech before her. Despite the fact he was the great and mighty Prime of the Autobots, Optimus was a 'bot with a spark and pain and suffering of his own and she wanted to ease that a little if she could. "One...One wanted to save everyone. She wanted to protect everyone and make them perfect. She thought the best way to save her children...us...all of us...was to make us understand that she was doing the best thing for us. Megatron wanted much the same thing, didn't he?"

"He had good intentions in the beginning."

"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions..." the femme stated the human term without having to think twice. "One wanted to make us all empty and obedient...to save us all. Megatron wanted everyone to obey him so he could protect his planet and his people."

"They were very much the same in their actions," Optimus agreed.

"So," Proxy vented, leaning forward and resting her arms on her legs. "Where is it? I mean...when I saw One rip that spark from her, I knew that the end was right there in front of me. I knew we had to save that spark or everything was lost. You knew too, didn't you? That's why you went after it like we did. Sam said it was safe, that it was where it belonged?"

"Yes." Optimus pushed away from his desk as his chest plating started to move and rearrange to access a secret place within.

Images flashed in Proxy's mind of something she could only vaguely place. They were pictures of Optimus, only not as she saw him now – they were drawings, paintings, less than realistic photos – with his chest plates open and a familiar device held within.

The sense of deja vu only increased as the mech before her reached into that concealed compartment and pulled forth a silver frame encasing a bright blue, glowing, pulsing, swirling light that was even more familiar than anything else was.

"The Spark of Life!" Proxy exclaimed, leaping from her seat to get a better look at the thing now held between Optimus's hands. "No...It's the Creation Matrix."

"When the...worlds..." honestly Optimus didn't know what to call it when so many different things had come together to create such an unreal reality, "pulled apart I came online in the nursery with this held in my hands. I knew precisely what it was the instant I laid optics on it and I had Wheeljack construct a frame to contain it."

The relief flowing through Proxy at that moment was enough to take all the strength from her legs. She collapsed back into the chair, though her eyes would not leave the Creation Matrix until Optimus had it tucked away once more.

Rubbing her face with both hands to try and bring herself back around, Proxy let her processor wrap around the fact that the tiny little bit of hope that had been implanted in her mind through the voices of beings she had never seen – or at least she was pretty sure she had never seen – as whispers to guide her, was now safely held within the chassis of the most powerful and trustworthy mech she knew to live at this time. It was a lot to take in. The worst part was that there was more to come and she knew it wasn't far in coming.

"Okay, at least it's safe." She leaned back in the chair and tried to ignore the resuming discomfort of being in a small room with such an important mech. Then she remembered her first question and her processor spun some more. "How are you...I mean, I saw you get crushed; you were offline..."

"That is a wonderful question that I cannot hope to answer. Once I had captured the Spark of Life, I found myself returned to the nursery.

"Questioning the others I have come to find that the most any of them recall of the event are glitches in their memory files."

"No one remembers," the femme repeated as if reassuring herself. "I didn't get to talk to too many of the others but I was starting to think that was the case." She vented, her frame shuddering slightly with the weight of yet another spark-aching secret. "Why?" She asked, her voice reflecting that weight. "Why does it have to be like this?"

"Proxy," Optimus's voice was nothing but understanding and sympathy. "Some things are just too much for a spark to hold."

"Yeah," she agreed.

"Yet, some must hold those things and guide the others in memory of that weight; it is the responsibility of leaders."

"I'm not a leader!"

"You are a strong femme. Special in ways not one of us can name in complete detail and the Original Primes, Primus and whomever else also sees that in you. You were left with the weight of your memories because they believe you can carry them and so do I."

"Optimus," she felt odd saying his name like this; so personally, confiding, begging. "I can't do this. I can't keep dealing with all of this stuff and keep going on. I'm not that strong..."

"You are not alone, young one. You do not have to carry the weight alone."

"And what am I supposed to do with it?" She growled, almost daring to glare at the mech before her. "I'm...I just barely even know who I am, what am I supposed to do with all this supposed...wisdom?"

"Let it help you, let it guide you, and have faith that you will know what to do when the time comes."

Proxy groaned miserably. "No," she mumbled. "I don't want to. I just don't want to deal with it anymore."

Optimus laughed quietly at the femme's youngling-ish proclamation. "Give it time."

She groaned again, but did not protest further. "What's next?" She asked with resignation.

A chime indicated that there was someone wishing to interrupt the current conversation and Optimus rose to answer. "Samuel," he greeted the human as he entered.

"Hey, Optimus. Proxy, how are you doing?" The boy – no, man, Proxy realized – entered the Autobot leader's office as if he had intimate familiarity with it. He even went directly to a small set of stairs the femme had not noticed before now that allowed the man to stand on top of the mech's desk without any hesitation.

"I'm...struggling," she admitted with a heavy vent. "How are you dealing with all this so easy?"

"I'm not," Sam shrugged. "I've just had more time to adjust to it. You stayed in stasis for, what? Like a week after everything went down?"

"Almost a full orn, yes," Optimus agreed as he reclaimed his seat. "As I recall, Samuel was a little distraught when he first approached me as well.

"Like out of my mind crazy is more like it, but yeah." Sam made himself comfortable in a chair that had been set on the desktop; another feature Proxy had not noticed. "It's still making my head feel like it's being crushed under a bolder, but I'm getting used to it."

"I guess that's reassuring," Proxy noted flatly. "At least I'm not alone."

"Nah," the man waved his hand dismissively, "you'll never be alone."

Proxy couldn't help the smile that crept over her face at Sam's words. It made her feel better to know that she wasn't alone, even better than that was to know that others were right there with her at the moment. "Thanks."

Sam smiled back at her, nothing but understanding in his eyes. "So, you think you can handle some more?"

"No, but...I think if I walk away now I won't ever want to come back."

"Fair enough." Sam leaned forward in his seat, eying the femme carefully. She looked stressed; it was obvious in every inch of her frame. "Let's start with the easy stuff."

"Please," the femme huffed beseechingly.

"How about the whole Cybertronian-Human Liaison thing." Sam could see the femme grow even tenser at the words. "I'm going to take up the human end of it," he stated with confidence. "But Optimus and I talked about how we could expand the relations if we added a Cybertronian that was wholly dedicated to the task." He looked to Optimus to see him studying Proxy as well. "All of the 'bots on base are pretty tied up – or just wouldn't make good candidates; I'm sure you know."

"Yeah," Proxy laughed, "I could just see Mirage trying to talk politics with humans. It'd probably start World War III." It took her a minute to realize what the man was getting at. Her laughter vanished and her expression dropped immediately. "You want me to take up the Cybertronian side of that, don't you?" There was no question in her voice.

"Only if you feel comfortable doing so," Optimus assured her. "I would not force such an issue on anyone if I do not have to."

"And if I say 'no', who's going to be the next in line?" She challenged.

"We have not yet considered another option."

Proxy glared at them both. They had just assumed that she would take up the mantle in the name of the Cybertronians? How could they? It wasn't fair, especially so soon after everything else she had gone through...then it occurred to her. Aurian had once been the human liaison; of course they assumed she would do it from the Cybertronian side as Proxy. "I should have known this was going to happen," she growled. "I am _not_ Aurian!" With that she stood, knocking her chair over as she did, and stormed from Optimus's office.

"Well," Sam scratched the back of his head nervously. "That went well..."

"It is as I had feared," Optimus agreed.

"And to think...that was the easy stuff."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe had spent the better part of the Earth-day pondering what Sunstreaker had said to him. It both excited him that his brother wanted him to be with Proxy and made him fearful.

As younglings, they had been lectured to be wary of what they did because it would always be more than just themselves they affected; it was the other, too. Anything that harmed one would harm the other; however, sometimes what was good for one wasn't good for the other. They were to treat their sparks as if it _were_ the other because they could cause such great harm without even meaning to that the utmost care was required.

Of course, both twins had essentially thrown all of that to the Pits when they joined the Autobots and dove into war headfirst; but the thought still lingered. They still tried to protect one another.

If he bonded – mate-bonded – with Proxy, what would happen to Sunstreaker? Was it even possible? They were two halves of one spark. What would that mean for Proxy? If they did bond, it would hardly be like any normal mated pair bonding out there; she would be giving half her spark and only getting a quarter of a spark in return.

No. He couldn't do it to either of them. It wasn't fair. Besides, it wasn't like Proxy was seeking out a bond anyway. She seemed perfectly content to have things the way they were and so was he.

'Sides, where are you?' The femme called to him over their bond, her voice shaky: both anger and gloominess flooding to him from her.

'What happened?' He reached out, pulling her toward him and moving toward her at the same time. 'Are you all right?' Primus, if something else had happened to that poor femme, he was going to find the preternatural being that had it out for her and beat it clear to the Pit with his bare hands.

'I'm fine...I just...need someone,' she said as she came around one of the larger buildings to head toward the mech.

Sideswipe opened his arms as the femme rushed him. He hated the way his spark pounded thinking she was hurting, but he loved the way she felt against his frame. Wrapping his arms around her, he tried to soothe away her troubles. "I'm always here for you."

Proxy practically melted into the silver front-liner's embrace. Here, the slight against her being – the thought that she was just Aurian reborn – didn't feel so harsh. She could almost believe that she had overreacted to what Sam and Optimus had thought of her. Still, it bothered her enough that she didn't want to let it go. "I'm not Aurian," she mumbled into his chest.

"I know that." Had he treated her as if she were? Sideswipe carefully thought back over his recent actions and could think of no point where he had thought of Proxy just as another form of Aurian. There was a lingering image in his processor of that...dream...where Aurian had stood beside Proxy, embraced her and then melted into her like some spirit invading her frame; but that was a dream, nothing more.

"Why doesn't Optimus know that?"

"What?" Of all the 'bots on this planet to make such a mistake, Optimus? "What did he do?"

"Him and Sam, both of them!" She pulled away, taking a few steps from the mech and turning her back on him. She wasn't angry with him, she was just angry. "They think that just because Aurian acted as the Human-Cybertronian Liaison that _I_ would too! Like I don't have plans of my own! Goals! Things that _I_ want to do that have nothing to do with who _she_ was!"

"Proxy," he dared to pull her back to him, tucking her head under his chin and holding her back against his front. "Did they ask you?"

"Well...yeah..."

"They gave you a choice, didn't they?"

"But they assumed that I would do it!"

"And you don't want to?"

The femme grew stiff in his arms at his words. "I don't know!" She growled. "Maybe...maybe not! I don't even really know who I am right now, Sides, how can I even think to manage the relations between us and them?"

"Because you care?" He suggested softly. "Proxy, if there is one thing I know about humans it's that they can sense the difference between someone that cares and someone that doesn't give a flying glitch mouse's aft. Who could you see going into a mess of humans and caring enough about trying to make things work to not just end up trying to squish more than half of them?"

Proxy couldn't stop the smirk creeping up on her. She imagined Ironhide trying to deal with the humans, then Mirage, then Sunstreaker – every new mech she imagined only made the situation worse and a thousand times more hilarious to her. She snickered softly.

"See? Even you can't help but laugh at our shortcomings when it comes to humans." He squeezed his arms around her, noting the way her frame relaxed. "So?" He asked after a few moments of silence.

"I hate that you're being the rational one here."

"Somebody has to be; and let's face it – I've had way more practice dealing with Sunny."

Proxy rolled her head to rest against his shoulder. "What would I do without you, Sides?"

"Oh, probably blow a relay or something."

The femme groaned. "Can't you just say something nice?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know...something that doesn't make me feel like a glitched 'bot?"

Sideswipe took a deep intake and let it out slowly. "How about; you are smart, brave and dealing with everything better than anyone else would? That you are...sweet and kind and maybe a little bit glitched but that just makes you so much better?"

"Well, you started out good..."

"Okay, then, how about; I don't know what I'd do without you?"

Proxy laughed. "You don't have to mock me, Sides."

"Hey," the mech sounded a little indignant. "I'm not mocking you." To prove himself he reached out over their bond and fed to her all of the feelings running through his spark at that moment, including the sensation he had felt when he had thought something had happened to her. "I really don't know what I'd do without you, but I _do_ know...I couldn't keep functioning if something were to happen to you."

The femme took in the feelings and reveled in them. She needed them, was starving for them and simply couldn't get enough. Even Ruby was enjoying the feedback she was getting through the bond between the femmes. For a time, Proxy could imagine that everything was fine, that nothing could go wrong. "I love you." She wasn't sure if she had spoken aloud, over their bond, or if she had simply thought the words, but however it happened she felt a spike over their bond and could feel Sideswipe's spark pick up pace against her back.

"I love you, too," he whispered softly.

"That's the kind of thing I wanted to hear."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; new view_

_ I went back to Optimus's office only to find Sam and Optimus were still there waiting on me. How'd they know I'd come back? I don't know...sometimes I think __that maybe someone knows more about me than I do...which I guess wouldn't be too hard at this point._

_Anyway, I didn't agree to do anything, but I suggested that maybe I might be willing to think about doing it.__ I just needed some time first._

_ We moved on to the less than 'easy stuff'._

_ Apparently, there were others that remembered what happened in the Parking Lot...and they were all human. Not all of the humans, but all the others that had been found to really remember were human._

_ The ones that did remember had been gathered and a report had been compiled as best as it could have been from their point of view. Apparently, they all came following Sam – they all said they weren't entirely sure why, but they knew that they had to – and they all came with the knowledge that hope was the only chance any of us stood to survive. The humans brought hope to our darkest hour...dang, that gave me some serious memory glitches!_

_ Once everything had been recorded, those humans had been told to keep the event to themselves for the time being; that it was a highly classified thing that needed to be kept from the masses until they were sure exactly what had happened and what may happen because of it._

_ Then we spent forever trying to figure out just exactly what _had_ happened and what may happen because of it...that was fun._

_ And these were just a few things we covered...there was still so much more to go._

_ We were at it long past Sam's ability to remain conscious. Once the human fell into a deep sleep, Optimus decided to call the meeting to an end. I took the man back to his personal room – my much smaller size allowing me to actually deliver him to his bed instead of leaving him on the floor._

_ Bumblebee had been waiting for his charge's return and expressed – through an interesting compilation of movies, TV broadcasts, and song clips – his thanks for my care in returning him to his bed. Cute 'bot, that one._

_ Then I headed back to my room for some much-__needed__ recharge and time to process._

_ I never made it there._

_Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	126. Journal Entry 126

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_J__ournal entry; good mornings_

_ Good mornings are so few and far between that each one should be treated as something far more precious than the rarest gem in the universe._

_ Waking curled next to a warm chassis with a strongly pulsing spark contained within constituted as a good morning and I was going to take in every klik of it that I could. That mech could hijack me on my way to my quarters any time he wanted to, that I swore to myself and anyone who was listening the very moment my optics came online._

_Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey, you're awake," Sideswipe had been online for a while, just watching the femme recharge. There was something about her in that state, when it wasn't because of some glitch or other dangerous thing that just fascinated him. She was beautiful in her protoform; it didn't even seem odd or out of place on her. The way her spark pulsed in an off-kilter rhythm was music to him; he could listen to it forever.

"Nnnn," she groaned, scooting closer to the warmth beside her.

"We should really discuss this slow onlining problem of yours." Despite the fact that he loved hearing each torpid system booting and even her semi-intelligible foul temper, he couldn't help but to think of all the disadvantages and dangers of onlining slow and sluggishly.

"Frag off," she grumbled, her vocalizer not quite online giving her voice a sleepy, roughened sound. "It's called enjoying the moment."

"Ah, I see. Well, I guess there's no real rush." The front-liner watched as the femme settled against him, sure that she was going to fall back into recharge. "Proxy?"

"Unn?"

"Did you...dream...when you were in stasis?"

"Cybertronians don' dream," she grumbled, a note of curiosity creeping into her voice. "Why?"

"Just some really weird corrupt memory files Sunny and I got while recharging. Thought maybe you had them too."

Proxy lay still for a while longer before jerking up onto her elbows. "What?" She was suddenly awake and processing fully.

"Nothing really, just some corrupt files." He looked at her, noting the way her optics shifted through the spectrum of colors. It was such an odd thing, he had never heard of such a condition and there was no physical reason for it, but here he was staring into optics that refused to settle on any one color. "You have the most beautiful optics."

"Tell me about the files. What did you see?"

An indignant smirk crossed his face as his expression changed from one of admiration to one of confusion. "Really? I give you a compliment and you want to hear about my corrupted memory files?"

"Yes, it's..." she offlined her optics and shook her head. "Were you fighting?"

"I'm always fighting, Proxy. Been in war too long to process much else." Still, he had the creeping sensation that she knew exactly what the memory files had been about.

"Against monsters you've never seen before?"

The smirk completely vanished from his face. "Did you have them too?"

"I...um..." indecision flooded Proxy. Should she say something and hope that the truth didn't cause some irreparable harm, or should she keep her mouth shut and let him believe it to be a weird set of corrupt files – a dream, so to speak?

Sideswipe watched the emotions play over her face, felt her uncertainty over their bond, felt the tension in her body. "You did, didn't you? Why didn't you tell anyone?" By 'anyone' he of course meant himself, Proxy had confided her file corruptions to him before; this shouldn't have been any different.

Proxy rolled off the berth, deciding that she would leave it at that and go on about her business. However, a firm hand on her arm stopped her from retreating. "I didn't want to bother anyone," she grumbled.

Pulling the femme back to him, Sideswipe turned her to face him. When he sat on the edge of the berth like this, he could look directly into her optics; not that she was looking back. "You know it doesn't bother me...what else is going on here?"

"What if..." she wanted so badly to tell him, but she didn't want to burden him with the truth either. Maybe she should trust that he could handle it; after all, the mech had seen far more destruction and horrible battles than she had. "What if it wasn't corrupt files...not a dream?"

"Of course it was; what else would it have been?"

"You remember the Parking Lot? Before? When I glitched and you...um...I pulled you in?"

"Yeah."

"And at the beginning of that...dream...you were there again, weren't you?"

"That was just part of the corruption..."

"Sideswipe," she finally looked him in the optics and she could see the dawning dread within them. "It wasn't a file corruption. It really happened. One...One tried to drag the worlds together – she wanted to merge the organic benefits of human biology with the technological advances of Cybertronian biology to create an 'ultimate' race that wouldn't have to fear disease or war or...or anything else for that matter. She was going to make them empty shells, obedient drones to follow what she saw as the best path." She hadn't really wanted to spill everything all at once, but Proxy found that starting was like opening the damn to a raging river; there was no letting it out slow. "She was going to destroy _everything_ for this image of perfection she had and I couldn't let it happen.

"I called to everyone I could reach – I pulled you all in...I could only reach Cybertronians like that because of...what I am...but Sam; he heard me too on some level and he came to see what was going on only to have the Primes bring him like they did before back in Egypt; but he wasn't dead this time. He was the one that brought the humans. Without them, we would have been doomed. Cybertronians don't carry much hope anymore, you know? But humans! Their hope is endless..."

Sideswipe could feel the memories becoming clear as Proxy spoke. He remembered standing beside Aurian; he remembered talking to her and her reply. He remembered rushing to help Proxy only to be blocked by monsters. He remembered how Sunstreaker had _lost it_ and had taken him right along with him. In that 'world' – for lack of a better word – there was nothing to stem the flow of Sunstreaker's battle rage; there were no walls between them at all. They were one mech in two bodies at that point, functioning as such; but that hadn't been all. When others had started appearing, he could feel them too. There were no frames to separate any spark from another; they were all one angry, fighting, terrified, confused 'bot facing down a hoard of creatures none of them knew what to call, but knew they wanted to destroy. "Primus..." he breathed the word. It was all so much and the more he remembered the more intense it felt, like he was reliving it in every physical way he could.

Then the humans had come and things had changed. He knew who he was again; he and Sunstreaker were individuals again – though their sparks still felt like one, they knew who they were as separate mechs – and the complete insanity had gone from a raging volcano to a simmering river of lava; still burning but controllable. Their new comrades in arms stood beside them without fear, as if they knew that between human and Cybertronians the battle was already won. Hope had been brought to the field and the suicidal battle-lust had abated.

"Sides?"

Proxy's nervous voice tugged at his awareness, bringing him back to the here and now. "I remember," he said in awe. "How could I have forgotten that? It was..."

"Horrific," Proxy filled in, a measure of shame to her words. "It should have never come to that."

"But it's over now," he pulled the femme the last few feet between them and wrapped his arms around her as comfortingly as he knew how. "One is gone. It's all over."

"I hope so," she vented, giving into the comfort the front-liner was offering. "So...Sunny remembers too?"

"I think he does," Sideswipe prodded his twin, seeing what he was up to and if he could gain his attention for a few breems. "He brought it up the first time."

"Right...well," she pulled away from the warmth and comfort of the front-liner's embrace, "I guess I should go talk to Optimus about this and see who else remembers."

"Right now?"

"When else?"

"Later."

Proxy laughed, honestly tempted to oblige the mech. "And what is it that you think I should do instead?"

"I don't know," he rubbed her arms gently; "maybe just relax? Take some time to just cycle and enjoy the lack of current insanity around here?"

"Huh, yeah, cause that can't last long can it?"

"Knowing you? Not likely."

The femme laughed again, rolling her optics at Sideswipe's antics. "Actually...there is one thing I would rather do than to go talk to Optimus about more things that will just make my general existence more complicated..."

A devilish smile swept the mech's face. "Oh really? And what would that be?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe leaned against the door as he watched the femme sit on the floor coddling one of the newly formed sparklings. This had _not_ been what he had in mind at all, but now that they were here? He could think of nothing better.

It had taken a little convincing to get Ratchet to allow the femme inside the nursery; however, he relented once the mewling cries of the most developed sparkling grew to audio bursting levels when he tried to make her leave. Still, Ratchet kept a close eye on the femme, wary that she would start acting out again.

There were three little sparklings with developed frames that Ratchet allowed out and about for short times. The sparklings were still very new and didn't have much energy for causing trouble yet, though the suspicious little formations on their backs bred doubt of that lasting long in the medic.

"Think they'll fly?" Sideswipe asked as he picked up one of the sparklings that had become taken with his foot.

"Primus, let's hope not," Ratchet grumbled as he continued checking on the other sparklings that hadn't fully developed yet. "That's all we need – young Seekers."

"I don't care if they fly or not," Proxy cooed, sweeping up the third sparkling to join the other in her arms. "They're beautiful and they can do anything they want to because they're perfect, no matter what."

Ratchet vented irritatly, mumbling about the blindness of femme's when it came to sparklings and the trouble they could cause, though the slight smirk on his face belied all his grumblings. The mech was actually rather enjoying the fact that Proxy was so taken with the sparklings and that her sleeper programming didn't seem to be resurfacing. It was a good day in his books and with those so few and far in between these days, he was hardly going to spoil it by not enjoying the sense of family developing before him.

He was surprised by Sideswipe's willing participation in all of this. He had assumed the mech was only there to be with Proxy – since he seemed determined to spend every moment he could near the femme – but once he picked up one of the sparklings, it became clear that the silver front-liner was enjoying the sparklings as well. It seemed such an odd concept, yet so very right in some way.

Sideswipe hoisted the sparkling he was playing with above his head, sweeping it around as though it were flying. "What are you gonna call them?" He really liked this one's coloring; an impossibly bright indigo which matched deep purple optics that dragged a 'bot's very spark into them.

Two of the three sparklings had odd-colored optics, but Sideswipe didn't think it was all that important to note. He was far more interested in the fact that these amazing little creations were here at all. After everything that had happened, the odds of them surviving were so insanely against them, yet here they were. Even if the being largely responsible for their creation wasn't...at least, not in the same way she would have like to have been.

"I'm not sure," Proxy said thoughtfully. "I hadn't really thought about, names to tell you the truth." She studied the two sparklings in her arms; one boasted a fine, white frame and was studying her with soft ethereal green optics, looking like it knew what she was thinking and was waiting patiently for her to make a decision, while the other – purple framed with intent blue optics – was far too busy watching the third sparkling being treated to a flying lesson by way of the silver mech. "How do you even name a Cybertronian sparkling?"

Both Sideswipe and Ratchet looked at the femme as though she had asked them why the planet spun or how fish knew to swim.

"What?" She asked innocently, only sparing them a single glance before returning to her observation of the sparklings she held. "It's not like I've ever seen anyone named but myself and Wheeljack and Jazz helped with that. It's not like it was hard considering...what I was."

"Oh," Sideswipe looked slightly ashamed of himself. Of course, Proxy wouldn't know how they chose names. Aurian probably hadn't known either.

Ratchet shared a quick glance with him, the medic chalking this up to another one of those things the poor femme just didn't know or understand. There was a growing list of things and he was sure many of them would need addressing before long, but for now he would let Sideswipe handle this one.

Bringing the indego sparkling down into his arms, much to the sparklings dismay, Sideswipe came to sit beside Proxy. "Well, it depends on the one naming them, actually." The sparkling in his hands started squirming and making loud sounds of displeasure. "Sometimes they wait for a sparkling to show some kind of notable trait or talent or something like that, sometimes it's just a name they like that they've thought about for a while. It's really up to you."

Proxy thought for a while longer before shaking her head. "What would you name them?"

"Me?" The mech laughed as his time with the sparklings came flooding back to him. "I'm no good at names, Proxy...I was calling them things like...light bulb and glow bug."

"Try."

He looked doubtfully at the femme who only returned his look expectantly. "I..." he was going to protest again, but decided that maybe, just maybe, he could do this. "Well..." he lifted the sparkling in his hands, its angry squeaking pausing as he moved it. "Mech or femme?" He asked thoughtfully.

"Femme," Ratchet answered from where he was staying 'busy', doing his best to stay out of the conversation.

"Loud little thing, aren't you?" He half grinned as the little femme started to make sounds again once she realized he wasn't going to resume 'flying' her around. "And pretty demanding too...what do you think of Sirensong?"

"Too typical," Proxy noted softly.

"Rein?" The mech suggested after another moment. "Sirenrein?"

The little femme stopped her squirming and angry sounds for a moment and studied the mech holding her. Most likely, it was to take a moment to decide exactly what he was going to do with her, or how to get him to do what she really wanted, but the coincidence was good enough for the 'bots watching her.

"Seems she approves," Proxy smiled. "See, I knew you could do it."

"Now it's your turn."

"I think the others should have a chance..."

"No, Proxy. These are your sparklings, naming them is your right." He nudged her a little with an elbow, proceeding to bounce the newly named femme on one of his feet, succeeding in amusing her while he focused on Proxy. "At least name these two. Then you can decide about the rest as they reach full development."

"Okay..." the femme vented while she studied the two sparklings in her arms, though the purple one was making a rather decent effort at escaping to join its sister. "Ratchet?"

"The white one is a mech, the purple one is a femme," he answered, still 'not listening'.

She looked back and forth between the two a few times before focusing on the white-framed mech. "Well, since you're the only mech right now and you're the oldest, you need a strong name so you can grow up strong to protect your siblings. Strong like a wall, like an unmovable force..."

"Sorry, but 'Ironhide' is already taken," Sideswipe laughed.

"Maybe, but...it wouldn't hurt to tribute the mech that helped save these little ones, would it?"

That sobered the mech a bit, reminding him that if Ironhide hadn't stepped up – no matter how unwillingly it had been – they wouldn't be here now trying to decide on names for them. "I think that'd be the right thing to do."

"I'd like to name one for Optimus too, but I can't really call one of them 'Optimus', or 'Prime'...that would just be awkward. Maybe 'Orion'?"

"Iron-Orion? Orion-hide? That just sounds weird."

Proxy snorted at the names. "Yeah, you're right. What about Pax? Ironpax? Paxiron...something like that?"

"I think you're getting closer."

"Ferrous is the elemental name for Iron. Ferro," she stated finally. "Ferropax."

"Ferropax? That's...unique."

"You don't like it?"

Sideswipe tilted his head as he tried the name a few more times. "I think it's fitting. If he's supposed to protect all the rest of them, he'll need the wisdom of Optimus and to be as strong as iron...er, ferrous, just like Ironhide himself. I like it."

"Ferropax," she tested the name on the mech. He gave no real response – only offlining his optics and onlining them again before resettling himself in her arm. "Okay."

"And the other one?" Sideswipe asked as the second femme tried to join the first on his foot.

"Stardust," she said without hesitation.

The purple femme spun around to look at Proxy, toppling over in the process.

"I'll take that as a definite yes," the femme laughed, helping the sparkling back up.

"Seems so," Sideswipe agreed. "Sirenrein, Ferropax and Stardust. It's start."

"Yeah, three down ten to go." The femme vented softly, looking to the partially developed sparks still waiting to be named. "What would you name them, Ratchet?"

"Oh, no" the medic laughed, finishing his 'work' and turning to observe the three mobile sparklings. "Don't drag me into this."

Proxy pouted. "Come on, Ratchet! You've done so much to keep them online; you should name one at least."

"That is more responsibility than I want," the mech protested.

Standing with Ferropax still cradled in her arm, Proxy did her best to glare at the CMO. "If you don't name one, I'm naming the next one after you; whether it is a mech or femme."

Rolling his optics, Ratchet looked over the underdeveloped sparks. "You'd curse the poor newspark before it even had a chance."

"Well, then you better do something about it."

Ratchet vented. What could it hurt to offer a suggestion? It's not like it was set in stone or anything. "Cascade," he stated simply with a slight shrug.

A wide smile stretched across Proxy's face. "Simple and beautiful. The next sparkling will be named 'Cascade'."

Ratchet tapped one of the cases, indicating which one would be the next to join its siblings. "Let's hope she at least gets an even temperament; but if she ends up being nothing but trouble you can't say I didn't warn you. You made me do it."

"I'm sure she'll be just as perfect as can be, Ratchet."

"You just keep telling yourself that." The mech shook his head as he looked over the whole nursery again. Wheeljack was still in the process of creating larger chambers for the growing sparklings. They didn't require the constant feed of energy once they reached the development level of the triplets currently moving about, and the original chambers were quickly becoming too small for them, but for now, they would suffice. "Not much longer, you two. They're still young and need much rest."

"Okay," Proxy agreed.

Sideswipe simply nodded, enjoying balancing the two femmes on his feet and bouncing them. Something about their happy little chirps just made him want to do this for the rest of his life.

Proxy settled down beside the mech, watching the two femmes enjoy their game. "Thank you."

Confused by her sudden statement, Sideswipe looked at the femme beside him. He couldn't imagine what he could have done to deserve thanks. "For what?"

"For coming here with me. For just being here."

"Ah, that's no big deal. They're cute. I don't mind being here one bit."

"Still, thanks."

"Sure," he smiled at her, wondering yet again just what things might be like if they were more than this. Maybe he wanted more than this. "What are you going to do with thirteen sparklings?"

"Gods," she vented, "hope to every divinity in existence that I won't have to be alone with them."

"No," he assured her with a wistful smile. "You won't ever be alone, I promise."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; thoughts of family_

_ As I sat there with Sideswipe, I couldn't help but to think about family. Aurian had plenty of memories about her family – mostly of her mother of whom she missed greatly, and so did __I__, as a side effect – and all of them were rather fond. I couldn't help but to think that 'family' was something I wanted._

_Sure, I had the sparklings – MY sparklings – and I had Sideswipe and Sunstreaker as brothers in all sense but birth and genetics...or whatever the Cybertronian equivalent was.__ Not to mention there were other 'bots on the base that treated me kindly, which in the kind of situation we all found ourselves to be in, that was as close to family as some of us had, but I wanted more. What more, I couldn't say. There was no putting my mental finger on it at this point, only that I thought that there should be more to it than that. That the sparklings deserved more than that._

_ Maybe I should talk to Ratchet about it...then again..._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	127. Journal Entry 127

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; children_

_ Maybe I'm crazy...okay, no 'maybe' about it._

_ Thirteen sparklings – every one of them mine, and I was happy about it._

_ As each sparkling came into full development, I was there to welcome them into the world. I held them all, loved them all, and never wanted to leave any of them. It wasn't the same as before, though I could still feel the telltale senses of the programming in there; it was a pale shadow to what I really felt for these sparklings. They were mine, no one argued that – not even Arcee – and I loved them. The only one that could make decisions regarding them that I felt truly comfortable with was Ratchet. I didn't even like First Aid or Jolt handling them when I wasn't around...Will said it was a 'mother thing'. He claimed his wife Sarah went through a similar stage after their child was born, and that it would fade with time. Maybe it would or maybe it wouldn't; either way, most everyone respected my feelings._

_ Well, I suppose Ratchet wasn't the _only_ one...Sideswipe spent plenty of time with them even when I wasn't around (rare as that may have been). He had dragged Sunstreaker __along__ a few times too, but Sunny just didn't seem to know what to do with such tiny little creatures. He said they were 'cute', but there was no way he was going to hold them or play with them. I think he was afraid he might hurt one of them; a fair fear considering the threats I leveled on him when I found out he was going and I couldn't be there. Or maybe it was because I insisted he name one of them too, and he was avoiding the task with every fiber of his being. Who knew?_

_ I guess I even let Optimus be with the sparklings on occasion – when the mech had time – but I think that's just a given. Optimus Prime would never harm my sparklings and everyone, including the sparklings, knew that._

_ Ironhide? Well, I told him he had a right to visit them; he carried them for a time after all; but I suppose it was just too painful a memory for him. He came once or twice, but overall he stayed away claiming he didn't want to deal with them until they were old enough to hold a gun. Typical..._

_ Both the carrying mechs took well to Ferropax being named in their honor, or at least I assume. Optimus seemed to think the young mech exhibited the signs of a strong leader – doesn't get much better than that, huh? - and Ironhide had simply stated that he would have to learn to carry a big gun if he was going to keep everyone else__'__s aft__s__ out of trouble. I count that as a compliment._

_ Aside from essentially living in the nursery, I did make some attempt to help deal with the whole 'dreaming Cybertronians' issue. Well, I'm still dealing with it, but let__'__s say that I got most of the major issues dealt with. I talked to Optimus about it and he was stunned, to say the very least. I told him what Sideswipe had told me and I had even confronted Sunstreaker on the issue. Sunny was far less open about the whole deal, verbally, but I'm starting to think it's because he really doesn't remember it the same way Sideswipe does. Over our bond, I could _feel_ it the way that he had. It was...is...hard to put into words, so I don't blame him one bit. Still, the mech really seemed relieved to let it out, like it was some kind of building pressure inside him threatening his sanity._

_There were others that had 'memories' of it, and I quickly found that everyone remembered it a little differently, but the base idea was the same.__ There was chaos, __fighting,__ and an almost singular consciousness until the humans came and gave them some kind of boundaries between one another._

_ Then I started asking if the 'bots remembered what humans had been there; finding that each 'bot had been paired up with one human. I don't know why I thought that might have been important, but I decided it was and went about the process with a little logic._

_ Barricade...er..._Prowl_...had been all too happy to help me with all the coordination of it; something about the 'paperwork' soothed the gaps in his memories or something like that. Gods, was I thankful for it, too – the mech had a talent for order when my processors were nothing but chaos._

_ We started with what we knew; I had been paired with Sam – though I thought it was strange he hadn't been with Bumblebee, but I guess our common connection through the __Allspark/Primes/whatever had made us a team. Prowl had been paired with Evans – a name that stirred some of Aurian's memories. Bumblebee had been paired with Mikaela...well; there was another person to drag to base. Ironhide had been with Will, big surprise. Even if I hadn't seen them together, I'd have known that was the way it was. Jazz had been teamed with Rob, Sunstreaker with Jack and Sideswipe with S__y__lvia..._

_ Sylvia?_

_ I knew that name from somewhere..._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Sylvia?" Optimus knew that name very well; he had noted it as one never to forget after Aurian's memorial service, but that Proxy was bringing the name to him now – in this context – was alarming.

"Yeah, _S__y__lvia_!" The femme paced nervously in front of the Autobot leader's desk. "As in Aurian's mother, Sylvia! What was _she_ doing there? She doesn't even have anything to do with the whole thing! At least, not as far as I was aware..." Proxy stopped to think on that for a few kliks before a look of horror came to her face. "How many other humans that we don't even know about were there? If these guys remember things so clearly...don't you think they would, too? What are we going to do about _that_? We'll have to put out some kind of search to find the ones that remember and...do...something about them...I don't even know what!"

"Proxy, calm yourself, please. It will do no good to get ahead of ourselves. We will take this just as we have done with those here on base. First, we will need to determine the exposure; have you or Prowl checked the human databases for any logged recordings of the event?"

"Well...no, not yet."

"Start there. I will speak with Major Lennox about the possible need to find and address any humans outside of N.E.S.T. that may have been involved with the event."

"But if Sylvia was involved..."

"She will be dealt with if needed."

The femme stiffened at the mech's words; something about how Optimus said 'she would be dealt with' made her feel threatened, though she couldn't say why. "I want to take care of her if it's needed."

"We will see about that...if the need arises."

Defiance filled Proxy at the large mech's words. Somehow, it felt as though he was denying her, even though he hadn't said anything directly about it, or even that anything had to be done at all. "You don't trust me, do you?"

Shocked, Optimus studied the femme for a moment before speaking. "What would make you believe that?"

"You're not going to let me go."

"I never said that."

"No, but you're sure implying it. Is it because I'm not technically one of your Autobots? Or is it because I'm glitched? Or is it just me?"

"Proxy, I fear you are jumping to conclusions. If I did not trust you, I would not have put you in charge of handling the information from the event."

The femme didn't feel placated at all. "You tricked Aurian into doing what you wanted like this...what is it you want me to do then? Say that I'll take up the Cybertronian cause in the matters of human politics? Let Ratchet dig around in my processor again? What? I don't like this game, Prime!"

"Proxy!" Anything else Proxy might have been thinking died right that moment. It shriveled and turned into dust under the weight of Optimus's raised voice, and even worse than that was the hard stare he had fixed her with. "That is quite enough."

Her frame trembled, completely defying any courage she might have had left. She had let herself get worked up and had been ready to lay all of her doubts and fears and angers into the Prime – one 'bot that probably didn't deserve any of it – and had left herself completely open to him. Her spark pulsed so hard in its casing, it hurt and all of her intakes froze.

"I feel there is something more to this than you are telling me. You are frustrated? Angered?" The Autobot leader saw the sudden change in the femme; he almost feared she would collapse right before his optics. He let go of the stare he held on her – one he used regularly with some of his more unruly subordinates; one he knew was far too harsh for the femme that stood before him – and tried instead to convey his willingness to understand. "Confused? Please, Proxy. I understand that you are feeling the weight of all of this on you right now and it is not easy to endure; however, you are not alone."

"I-I know that," she stammered weakly, the trembling of her frame echoing loudly in her voice.

Sympathizing with the small femme's internal struggle, Optimus came around his desk and guided her to the chair on the other side. "Then please, sit before you fall and speak with me." He leaned against his desk, feeling that formality needed to be brought down several notches; something he wasn't very used to doing. "I am not Ratchet, nor am I Sideswipe or Sunstreaker, but I would like it very much if you felt you could speak with me openly, Proxy."

"What? That wasn't open enough for you?" Still her voice trembled and she cursed herself softly for it.

"That was...an outburst." Crossing his arms over his chest and focusing his optics somewhere else, Optimus vented quietly. "Tell me what has upset you so much."

"Sylvia! How can she be involved in all this?"

"The same as any of the humans can be involved in all of this, I am afraid to say. That is not what is really bothering you, though, is it?"

Proxy prepared to lash out again, to tell him there was no other reason why she would be upset about it...but there was. "She's...Aurian's mother..."

Optimus waited a moment for the femme to expand on that, but when she didn't he was sure he had finally caught onto the proverbial string to unravel the knot. "Your mother."

"No! She's not..."

"Physically, she is not your mother because you are Proxy – a drone turned femme that has no mother and the closest approximation of a creator would be Wheeljack. However, those standards do not hold in the same way our culture deems who is and who is not a singular 'bot's creator or creators. He simply built the frame in which your spark came to inhabit."

"I have no family..." Proxy seemed to realize even as she spoke it, and was deeply saddened by it.

"That is not entirely true, either." The Prime shifted so that he was kneeling in front of the still-trembling femme. "You may not have creators, so to speak, but you were brought forth by the Primes. You are their heir, their family and as such, you are _my_ family. We are of different circumstances, but of the same source. You also have the sibling-class bond with Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. They are your family. You have the sparklings, all of them are yours and they are your family." When his words did not seem to settle the femme, Optimus tried another point of view. "Proxy, with all of the destruction the war has caused, there is very little for any of us to hold onto that follows the old ways of lineage. We have made our own families; those closest to us – our teammates and closest friends – and they are just as real as any genetic heritage that can be spoken of. You are one of us, and as such, a part of our family."

"So much has been destroyed," Proxy's voice was soft but finally steady, "we should embrace what we have. Is that what you are telling me?"

"Yes," Optimus vented happily, finally reaching the femme...or so he thought.

Proxy stood, nearly knocking the Prime back with surprise of the sudden movement. "I am going to go be with my sparklings, you should do the same." She turned and left the Autobot leader still crouched and stunned. A part of her felt sick for the way she had just spoken to the mech – all he ever wanted to do was help – still, she couldn't help the way her processor kept throwing things at her, confusing her, making her feel like she was being attacked by things that didn't even exist anymore.

Besides that, if Optimus wanted to speak to her of 'family', he would have to reconcile his own first. It was only right.

"Proxy?" The familiar voice stopped the femme mid-stride.

"Yes, Prowl?" It seemed that no matter how annoyed, confused, or aggravated she became, she always had a level of calm to offer the recently reformatted mech.

"You have spoken with Optimus?"

She had to fight off the small growl that wanted to rise within her. "Yes."

"What does he suggest?"

"To start with the human databases, find out what's out there."

Prowl waited a moment longer before nodding. "You seem distressed."

"I...am," she vented softly. "I might have just completely lost my processor at Optimus..."

"Might have?"

"Okay, I _did_. I just started thinking about everything all at once and memories came rushing in and..." she pressed her hands to her head as if that could rid her of some of the irritation. "I just lost it."

"Doesn't Ruby usually help you to sort and store files so you do not glitch from ill processed information?"

"Well...yes and no. I mean, she helps with the corrupted or damaged files, yes, but she doesn't control how my processor functions. She can't help the actual crazy in my head – just the legitimately broken processes." Proxy vented, looking back the way she came. "I should go apologize."

"Perhaps you should take a little more time to sort your thoughts before going back?" Prowl suggested. "Were you going to see the sparklings?"

"Yeah, he was talking about family..." the last words she had spoken to the large mech came back to her in a rush and so did her anger. "What right does he have to talk to anyone about family? Hypocrite."

Prowl, growing quite used to not following Proxy's train of thoughts looked over the femme and how the renewed anger affected her frame. "How does that apply?" He knew Proxy knew things that others didn't. It was part of the data she had inherited from the late human, Aurian. Still, this seemed like more than just unshared information.

"He..." she grunted with annoyance. "It's not my place to say." Turning back to her original destination, Proxy spared Prowl one last look. "Do you want to come with me?"

"I will come by later," he promised. "I would like to start searching the databases for any further information on the event, so that we may come up with a strategy before the end of the orn."

Shaking her head in exasperation, but with an amused smile on her face, Proxy waved off the mech. "You're just like you're supposed to be," she mumbled as she continued on her way.

"What is that supposed to mean?" The mech watched the femme walk away knowing he would receive no answer. She often said things that made no sense to him, but seemed to make perfect sense to her. Perhaps some day he would learn what all of those things meant, but today was not that day. With a heavy vent of his own, the mech turned back for the place he had resumed as his office; a place that had been a temporary set up for Barricade and now had been turned into a permanent situation for Prowl. Overseeing the brig suited him quite well.

Proxy sat with her sparklings, several of them playing amongst themselves with a few sitting near her. The youngest – a blue-green mech with the strangest shade of blue, almost gray, optics – lay beside her playing with his fingers. Proxy worried about the mech's seemingly anti-social tenancies and his lack of interest in things around him, but Ratchet said that he was too young to really be active yet anyway. Proxy pretended not to notice the way Ratchet paid the little mech extra attention during their checkups, or to see how many times the medic tested the sparklings ability to focus on objects. She was sure, deep in her spark, that the medic knew there was something wrong, but wasn't ready to diagnose it just yet.

The spark Ratchet had named Cascade – a green femme with the softest blue optics – lay sprawled across Proxy's lap having played her fill and was now completely spent and happily deep in recharge. Her ever-constant companion, though, was Ferropax. The young mech was always the first to come to her in greeting, and always seemed to know when Proxy needed a little more companionship than just to be in the presence of her sparklings. Today was one of those days, and he refused to go play with his sisters – who never ceased to torment him – instead choosing to sit on Proxy's lap and watch the others as she did.

"What am I supposed to do, 'Ro?" She asked using her pet name for her eldest. "My processor and my spark are torn. Optimus will do what has to be done, I know he will, but I just can't convince myself that it's the _right_ thing to do."

The white sparkling turned his ethereal green optics up to her. The sparklings were far too young to speak yet; Ratchet assured her that they probably didn't even understand most of what she said to them; still, Ferropax seemed to convey some unspoken message as he looked at her.

He loved her, adored her, just as all the sparklings did, but he had a special sense about him. It was a confidence that few of the others exhibited – most of the others that were confident where more 'ballsy' than anything. Ferropax had a sense of calm, collected confidence that spoke of something deeper than bravery.

"I don't want to leave you guys, not even for a klik," the femme continued, "but it's Sylvia. I can't help but to feel loyalty to her, even if she won't understand why."

With a soft chirr, the white sparkling crawled off Proxy's lap and turned to face her. The blue-green mech was up and beside his elder brother in an instant, and Stardust and Sirenrein came to stand behind him shortly after.

"What is it my darlings?" They were all looking at her with the same expression Ferropax had: confident, understanding, encouraging. "I can't go; I would hate to be away from you all for so long."

More of the sparklings came to stand behind the eldest, Cascade being the last as the femme woke with a start and scrambled to stand beside her blue-green brother, one tiny hand instantly seeking out his.

This kind of behavior was unusual for the sparklings – they rarely did anything all together – but it didn't seem out of place to Proxy. Her spark turned in funny ways inside its casing, but there was an overall sense of support and understanding. They were telling her to go in the only way they knew how, through their sparks to hers. Love and longing was strong between them, but there was also the need to have their creator happy.

With love and tenderness, the femme hugged all of her sparklings, lavishing them in all that she had to offer before turning for the door. "I won't be long," she promised, then looked back over them. Most of the sparklings had returned to their games happily enough, but Ferropax remained watching her with the blue-green mech and Cascade standing beside him. "Take care of your siblings," she begged of the oldest.

Ferropax chirred again, raising his hand in the tiny wave she had taught them all to mean 'good-bye for now'.

Proxy's spark twisted painfully, but the need to go make sure that Sylvia was all right was just too strong to ignore. Her sparklings would be all right for a little while; she could trust Ratchet to care for them and Sideswipe to protect them while she was gone.

'Proxy, what are you doing?' Sideswipe had caught onto the wild ride of emotions going through the femme, then the sudden determination that filled her. He knew something was up and was rightly concerned about what she was about to do.

'I have to go make sure she's okay,' Proxy stated through their bond as she rushed over the base. How was she going to get to the mainland in the first place? It wasn't like Optimus would let her book a ride on one of the cargo planes and all the ships were currently docked for resupply and evaluation. Nothing was scheduled to go out today, so there was no way she could sneak aboard one of the crafts in hopes of not being spotted until it was too late. There was only one other option.

'What? Who? Proxy where are you? I'm coming after you.'

'No, Sides...I won't be here.'

'Proxy, no! What are you saying?'

Proxy did her best to assure him that she was okay, that she loved him and that she would be back as soon as she could before blocking her bond to both twins. She needed time to find her way out and if they were following their bond to her, she would suffer for time.

Scouring the base, the femme found the hangar that was concealing a recently arrived prototype that was to be tested in the relative seclusion of Diego Garcia's guarded skies.

The pilot-less plane was small in comparison to all the other planes on base – even some of the smaller fighter jets – but it was still large to Proxy. She wasn't sure if she could hold such a design with her small frame despite assurances from others that her frame would either stretch or condense within reason to accommodate many different alt forms.

The plane was flat like a blade over most of its surface, only swelling where the sensors were mounted and a small area that was supposed to be available for limited cargo or a passenger. The full specs hadn't been completed just yet and the prototype was already being modified to fit better parameters, but for what she needed, it was workable. At least she hoped it was.

"Ruby, can we do this?"

Scanning vehicle for analysis: please hold...

Proxy slipped into the hangar, shutting the door behind her. She knew there were alarms all over this building and she had to be careful not to set any of them off. The biggest bonus of being on such a secluded, high security military base was that the high security military equipment on the base wasn't guarded as closely as it might have been anywhere else. When everything on the base was high security, one more thing hardly seemed to seem more special than the rest.

Scan complete. Vehicle within acceptable margins – mass limit reached.

"All right, so...how do I do this? Guess I always figured Ratchet would show me when I was ready, but I don't think now's the time to ask him."

Relaying transformation protocols. Activate programming.

Proxy was careful to follow every step Ruby fed to her until there were two of the special TACAIR prototypes sitting in the secluded hangar. 'I did it!' she cheered to herself.

"Who in their right mind would be messing around in here?" A rather annoyed, but familiar voice asked as the sound of two sets of human boots approached.

'Slag,' the femme considered her options; transform and try to sneak out with the humans walking right up to the hangar, or attempt to hide until they had gone on about their way.

The decision was made for her when the hangar door slammed open. Rob stormed in, obviously upset at having been disturbed from whatever he had been doing.

"I don't know, sir..." the second man, Evans, answered the question despite the fact they both knew it had been rhetorical. Both men stopped, however, the moment they saw two prototype planes sitting in the hangar.

It took a few minutes before either of them gathered themselves enough to figure out what was going on. "Okay, who is it?" Rob asked as he approached the second plane. "And what made you think this was a good idea? I thought you guys didn't do planes..."

Proxy transformed quickly enough, her cover was already blown there was no sense in pretending she was going to get away with it.

"Wow," Evens stepped forward, eyes fixed on the 'bot before him. He didn't recognize it at all. "You new?" His hand was already moving for his gun, despite being impressed by the new 'bot in front of him, he couldn't take the chance that it was an enemy and they were going to be caught completely off guard.

Rob studied the form carefully. He didn't recognize it right away either, but there was one telltale sign about this 'bot that told him exactly who it was. She was slightly taller now; though he was pretty sure it had to do with the way her alt mode altered her protoform to fit it. Thin, almost fragile looking with two long sets of blade thin wings lying against her back. She still sported the two red streaks on either side of her head that sprouted into strange feline-like 'ears', but the feature that told Rob exactly who this 'bot was were her eyes, slowly shifting through every color as she looked fearfully down at the two humans. "Proxy? What are you doing?"

"I...needed an alt mode..." the femme stammered slightly shifting her weight from one foot to the other. The new distribution of her frame was odd, not uncomfortable, but it was going to take a bit to get used to. She flicked her wings experimentally and that was the oddest sensation of all.

"So you picked a pilot-less plane prototype? That's not really going to blend in, you know..." the man might not have known Proxy as well as some of the other 'bots, but there was definitely something up with her. "What's really going on here?"

Again, the femme's wings flicked as she looked between the humans and the exit.

"Proxy?"

"Sorry, Rob, I have to go!" In a few quick strides, she was past the humans and through the exit. The femme was in the air before the humans could say or do anything. The rush of wind all around her, whipping over her alt form, lifting her up higher from the ground felt so amazing she never wanted to come down again. She rolled and twisted, enjoying the ultimate freedom of it all, before pouring on all the speed she could muster from this form and headed toward her goal.

"Rob!" Will's voice crackled over the radio. "Why the hell did I just see the new TACAIR prototype hall balls across the ocean?"

"Oh," the master chief's voice was a little unsteady, "that wasn't the prototype."

Silence held over the radio while chaos erupted across the base. "What do you mean; 'that wasn't the prototype'?"

"Um...well...apparently Proxy had somewhere to go..."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; freedom_

_ By the Gods, there has never been anything that felt so amazing as flying under my own power._

_ I was drunk on the feeling as I rushed through the clouds, felt the sun on my back and the spray of cool waters on my underside. It was bliss, it was heaven, it was everything that made me feel like all the things that weren't right suddenly were. I never, ever wanted to come down._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	128. Journal Entry 128

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; thinking things through_

_ Obviously not my strong suit._

_ So I got all the way to the town Sylvia lived in without much trouble – thanks to the design of the TACAIR prototype I had borrowed – however, now that I was here, what was I going to do? It's not like I could just park on the street and walk on in, now could I?_

_ Some days it really doesn't pay to be spontaneous._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ruby, I don't think this is going to work." Proxy sat inside a destroyed building – one she thought maybe she knew once upon a time, but the exact memory wasn't coming to her at the moment – her wings spread carefully so that she could sit without damaging them. Before her, the small cat'bot stretched out as if waking from a long sleep.

Other options not available. Remain in hiding, I will retrieve the human.

"Do you really think she's going to respond better to you than to me?"

The smaller femme just looked up at Proxy with an almost sarcastic expression.

"Okay, point taken. You're little and cute and I scream alien robot. Got it." The femme vented. "Please, just be careful and keep in constant contact?"

With a soft trill, the little femme was gone, leaving Proxy to consider her actions and figure out what she was going to do now.

"Optimus is going to kill me. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are going to kill me. Ratchet is going to kill me. Slag...this was such a great idea, wasn't it?" She stood and started to pace inside the vast, gutted shell of a building. "What were you thinking, Proxy?" She scolded herself. "I wasn't thinking..."

Groaning, the femme flopped down on one of the scorched tables amongst the rubble. "Stupid."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"It just isn't possible!" Ratchet felt just moments away from bashing his head into the nearest, hardest object he could find. "It is impossible! There is no functional way it could happen!"

"Ratchet, I hate to break it to you, buddy, but I saw it with my own eyes," Rob tried to offer the apparently glitching medic something sound to base the truth of it all on. "It was Proxy, there's no questioning that – and she flew away."

"She _can't_!" The CMO continued. "She doesn't have the programming to be a flier! Of any kind! It isn't possible!"

"Tell that ta Sides an' Sunny then," Jazz jerked a thumb over his shoulder to indicate the two front-liners who were distinctly missing from this emergency meeting. "They know she's gone, what other explanation is there?"

Optimus watched the proceedings with a calm air about him, though inside he felt decidedly anything but. The fact that Proxy had reacted so strongly to the discovery of Sylvia's connection to anything Cybertronian, or the event, should have been a clue to him. He should have known she would have acted out in some way, should have been prepared for it – but as was evident from the front-liner twins; no one had.

"What did you expect?" Or, apparently, _almost _no one. Sam stood proudly with his arms crossed over his chest as he watched the gathered humans and Cybertronians attempt to make sense of what had just happened, as well as try to come up with some plan on how to deal with it. He had learned several levels of confidence in a very short time. Or at the very least how to fake it really well.

It might have been a combination of saving the world _three times_ now, after effects of the Allspark having been inside his brain, and whatever the Original Primes had done to him, but he felt more at ease in his current position. Or maybe it was simply that he had used up all the 'scared teenage boy' inside him and there was nothing left to be nervous anymore. Either way, he wasn't going to question it right now. "This is _Proxy_ you're talking about. Why should any of this be a surprise?"

"Because, Sam," Ratchet attempted to cool his temper as he turned on the young human, "it isn't simply a matter of processor over frame to _be_ a flight-type transformer. There are zettabytes of coding that go into the programming for any flight mode and that femme didn't possess a single byte of it! Her programming shouldn't have even allowed her to scan the thing!"

"Well, it did and she did, now what?"

Everyone stared at Sam. While they were all stuck on the 'this really happened' part of the issue, he had just jumped to the 'what are we going to do about it' section without even so much as gazing over the cliff notes of the 'this just can't be happening' everyone else was shuffling through.

"What? Standing here trying to figure out how she did what she did isn't going to do anything about the fact that Proxy left the base for some reason that no one knows. Do we even know where she went?"

"Right," Will jumped back on board with the need to lead and command his unit. "We should start with local radar; she was off our screens fast, but that doesn't mean nobody else caught a blip of her wherever she went. Prowl?" He turned to the mech that had remained quiet and silent through the discussion – he himself was having severe issues in dealing with the fact that Proxy had somehow triggered function outside of her coding and hadn't had a major meltdown the instant she attempted it. "You with us?"

"Yes, I am functional," he stated plainly. Despite the ache in his processor, he was ready to focus on taking action.

"Good! Get on all frequencies, check for unusual sightings – anything that might lead us in the right direction."

"None of that is necessary," Optimus finally spoke up as everyone was coming together. "I know where she has gone."

"To find the human Sylvia," Prowl said rather simply, nodding in agreement with Optimus as if he expected that everyone had known the femme's motives.

Again, the room came to a standstill, for several different reasons. One being that Optimus had known where the femme was going, but had not said anything until just now. Two being that Prowl had also known when it was almost painfully apparent no one other than the two of them knew. Three on behalf of all of those who knew of Proxy's origins and the connection made to the human she was currently after. The final reason being that everyone in that room – whether they knew Proxy's origins or not – knew who Sylvia was.

"Why?" Finally, someone dared to ask, though it wasn't entirely certain if Evans had intended to speak out loud or not. He was here mostly as witness to the femme's actions; even though he was a member of N.E.S.T., Evans wasn't usually a part of the 'planning' stages of things.

There were two very distinct looks on the varying faces within the room: mutual curiosity – those that also had no idea why the femme would suddenly choose to pursue the mother of their late liaison – and uncertainty on the faces of those who did know.

"That isn't important right now," Ratchet finally made the decision to move the grand revelation to another time. "Optimus, we need to get her back as soon as possible. I don't know how she managed a flight alt, but I don't want to take any chances."

"Agreed," Optimus nodded, turning once more to Will. "Major? I am afraid this will be a largely human operation if we wish to keep it from public view."

Will didn't like not knowing the driving force behind the current situation, but he had come to accept that there were certain things with his alien comrades that he just didn't need to know. If it became a problem, then he would demand answers, but until then he would allow them the semi-privacy of trust. "Okay, well, that's not a big issue. We'll send a team to Sylvia's home; see if Proxy has made contact yet. If not, we'll wait until she does." The man paused as he considered the other alternative. "If she has, we'll have to determine the level of exposure and go from there."

Optimus nodded. "That is agreeable. A small contingent of Autobots should accompany you in case there is any trouble. However, I believe that there should be little need of force."

"Sir," Prowl spoke up again, stepping forward as he did. "I am aware that I am not technically on your mission roster, all the same I would like to be considered for this mission."

Ratchet was already half way to stating a rather long-winded protest to the mech's request but Prowl cut him off before he could start.

"I understand that this is not the optimal situation for me, yet it seems to me the most logical solution to the problem at hand. Proxy is in an emotionally unstable state currently; she will likely not listen to orders or reason."

"Agreed," Jazz practically laughed.

"It stands to reason she will likely only respond to someone who can get through that instability and speak to her directly."

"And Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are obviously out of the listing," Arcee pointed out from her post near the door. She hadn't really intended to put anything into this meeting – it really didn't seem like her area – however, she understood that Proxy had a strong effect on the twins and they were practically out of their processors between worry and anger. "They won't exactly handle themselves with tact," she finished.

"Agreed," Jazz added again.

"That leaves very few that Proxy regularly turns to in confidence," Prowl glanced to Ratchet – the only other mech that Proxy would go to on occasion for assurance. "I am regretful to point out that with the current situation; I strongly doubt that you are one she will be feeling confident in. Your concern for her health and function is sound, but I am sure that it will set off her own paranoia the moment you attempt to scan her."

"Agreed," the medic admitted rather regretfully. As far as he had come with the scared little femme that had shown up as an extra with the escapees of the Decepticon's decimated ship-turned base, she still became nervous around him when he wanted to examine her for any reason; even routine maintenance.

The reformatted mech returned his regard back to the Autobot leader. "I do not think I need mention why it would not be wise for you to go, sir?"

"No," the larger mech agreed, sorrow rumbling heavily in his voice.

"That leaves myself as the next best candidate for this mission."

"Not true," Jazz stated matter-of-factually. "Femme kinda likes meh too, ya know."

Optimus weighed his decision carefully. He knew Proxy to have a strong companionship with Prowl – no doubt due to the loyalty Aurian had to the mech's original personality, Barricade, and the sacrifice he made to save the sparklings she now loved so deeply – but he was still unsure of the mech in an uncontrolled situation. Prowl had yet to be tested fully. Yes, he was essentially healthy and functional, but his processes tended to glitch when he couldn't make sense of things in a logical manner and the human world was chockfull of illogical things that dumbfounded even the most accepting of their kind currently residing on Earth.

Jazz, on the other hand, was one of his most trusted mechs. He had even been his second in command until his unfortunate demise and miraculous resurrection; technically, he still held the title, but Ironhide had stepped up into the position in Jazz's absence and both mechs seemed perfectly comfortable to let it remain that way for the time being. Especially since Ratchet still expressed heavy concerns over Jazz – it was just easier to wait until things settled before attempting another reorganization of the chain of command.

Proxy had shown a great attachment to Jazz; the pair had some sort of understanding that Optimus had yet to figure out. There was no bond between them like there was between the femme and the front-liner twins, but there was undeniably _something_ there. Still, the smaller silver mech tended to cater to some of Proxy's more sparkling-like tenancies. He could be worse than Sideswipe sometimes.

It was not a simple decision. Every choice had its ups and downs.

"You will both go. Ironhide will go with you in case of unexpected Decepticon activities," he glanced at the weapons specialist standing mutely near the wall, "and Bumblebee for his experience in human culture – as well as the human contingent," he finally decided.

"I would like to volunteer too!" Sam raised his hand, a habit of his years in school. "She likes me and I think the two of us have enough in common that if Prowl and Jazz can't talk her down, I could probably help."

For this, Optimus turned to Will. Sam might have been more under the Cybertronian jurisdiction since becoming their new human liaison, but the human interest side of things until fell to the major.

"Makes sense to me. Since this isn't a battle scenario mission, we should take the ones she'll respond best to. Besides, kid's still young enough he might get some sympathy from Sylvia if we end up having to do damage control." He looked over the gathered humans quickly, pointing out five other members to join the team – including Rob and himself – before dismissing the rest of the gathered humans to get back to work. "We'll leave in one hour," he announced to those that were there to hear.

"Very well," Optimus agreed, transmitting the mission statement to Bumblebee who agreed without much hesitance and promised to meet the humans on the tarmac. The younger mech had not been ordered to the meeting, his visit to the base being counted as down time for him.

Optimus disliked shortening the youngling's time on base, but he knew Bumblebee would not mind one bit. As much as he loved and missed his comrades, the scout preferred to be useful and any chance to do so was eagerly taken. Not to mention his charge was going so there was little that anyone could do to stop him from going as well.

The Prime likewise dismissed his soldiers to return to their duties as need be, then started back toward his office but paused before he had committed to that path. Instead, he headed to the nursery. He felt a slight pang of guilt for the sparklings Proxy had left behind for this venture, even though he knew she would return to them.

The femme's words still boiled in his processor, demanding action upon them, yet still he was unsure. Was it fair, after all of this time? Was it the _right_ time? When _would_ be the right time?

As he stepped into the nursery, he found the sparklings in various stages of activity. Some were playing, some were seemingly holding an intent conversation in the strange little clicks and chirrs of sparkling-speak, while still others had given into early mid-day recharge. The two femmes with the suspiciously seeker-like wings were playing rather aggressively with each other while their third sibling sat silently watching from the cubby that had once been his incubator.

"Ferropax," Optimus greeted as the young mech's optics shifted to him in recognition before returning to the activities of his sisters. He bent to greet a few of the other sparklings, some yet to be named and others that had earned their designations by one means or another. The ones that ran to him were more than happy to accept his greeting before addressing his large frame as the largest jungle gym ever created, leaving the mech laughing and attempting to find a comfortable position without interrupting any of them.

Finally settling on the ground in a way that gave the sparklings plenty to climb, slide, and jump on while still lending him a measure of comfort; he turned to study those that were either uninterested or sleeping. All these little lives brought a measure of hope back to his spark that he had thought long dead – and the Creation Matrix stirred inside him with that hope.

"The time will come when it comes," he assured himself aloud.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

The two stood like statues, optics fixed over the waters while they searched; not for anything they could see, but for something they could feel, however faint it may have been. Their sparks called out, demanding an answer and growing more unsettled the longer they went without one. The one they searched for was there, they could sense her, but they couldn't pin her – couldn't get through to her – and that was driving them both to new levels of frustration.

"Why won't she answer us!" Sideswipe had finally reached his limit. He couldn't stand it anymore and he needed some form of outlet. He knew Sunstreaker wasn't far behind him, but his brother's annoyances were likely to come out in a more physical form soon enough.

The golden twin only growled his shared vexation.

"What was she thinking anyway?" The silver mech started pacing. "Running off like that? Without anyone to look out for her? She doesn't have any weapons, no battle training, her armor isn't exactly meant for one on one...what will she do if the 'Cons find her out there?" A strong wave of fear and panic ran between the twins as Sideswipe voiced the worst of their fears. "There wouldn't be anything she could do!" He reached out for the femme again, this time with much more force. 'Proxy, slagit! Answer me!'

The kliks ticked by as the two waited to see if the femme would respond to the forceful demand on their bond, and just as they became certain she wouldn't, there came the faint sense of regret. Not exactly what they had been hoping for, but it was something and both of them latched onto the sense with determination, pulling and dragging at the bond until Proxy couldn't deny them any longer.

'Guys, please, I'm fine...'

'What the Pit did you think you were doing?' Sideswipe demanded before she could finish whatever else she had intended to say. 'You can't be out there by yourself!'

'Really...' Proxy was obviously not impressed with the mech's view of her ability to care for herself. 'I think I can do just fine on my own.'

The twins could feel the femme struggling to close off the bond again and acted immediately to stop her.

'That's not what I meant,' the silver twin tried to mend the damage he had unwittingly caused. 'I just meant that you shouldn't be alone. Not when we don't know what the Decepticons are up to.' He dumped all of his fear, his panic, and worry into his end of the bond, practically drowning Proxy's anger in it all. 'What if you were attacked right now? We can't get to you and you have no weapons. It just isn't safe!'

'I...am safe. Ruby helped me find a place that has enough slag to obscure me and my signature that no one will find me. Don't worry about me, please? I promise I will be careful, and I will be home soon. I just had to do this.'

'And what is 'this' that you couldn't trust _anyone_ to help you with it?' Sunstreaker finally added his thoughts to the conversation. He was annoyed, there was no fooling anyone about that, and he was concerned as well, but more than either of those was how much he hated seeing his brother so out of sorts. Ever sinse Aurian's death – since his breakdown at her funeral – Sideswipe hadn't quite been himself. He had returned to normal in almost every aspect except for when it came to things he cared deeply for; Proxy especially. Anytime anything happened that posed any kind of possible threat, or raised any question of the femme's safety, Sideswipe practically lost all control of his processor and became a jumbled mess of panic and over-protectiveness. It was annoying.

'I needed to...I have to...I want to see Sylvia. I have to make sure she's safe.'

The admission gave Sideswipe a moment of pause. He had been the one to tell Proxy of the human's involvement in what Proxy told him had been refereed to as 'The Event'. 'Why didn't Optimus send someone to check on her?'

Again, there was regret in their bond, but there was also anger and frustration from the femme. 'He wasn't going to let me go,' she growled. 'He has no right! She's my...' the sudden alarm filling Proxy's part of the bond had both mechs reaching for weapons, despite the fact that she was too far away for them to do anything for her. 'She was Aurian's mother. I deserve to be the one to check on her,' she finished quietly.

'You should have taken us with you...' Sideswipe moped miserably. 'I don't like you being so far away.'

Sunstreaker shared the sentiment, but not quite to the extent his brother did. While Sunstreaker was uncomfortable with the femme beyond his reach, it was really a mild annoyance and concern for what would happen if the Decepticons caught wind of her out there by herself. Sideswipe, on the other hand, was completely distraught by the distance between himself and the femme. They had hardly been more than across the main compound from each other from the time the femme had revealed herself to the silver twin. The front-liner physically ached thinking that something could happen and he was helpless to do anything about it.

Venting restlessly, the golden twin decided that he was going to have to be the responsible one amongst his siblings. 'When do you intend to return?'

'As soon as I see Sylvia, I guess.'

'What are you going to do when you see her?' Sunstreaker's voice had a great deal more bite to it than he intended. 'The woman is _human_! She doesn't know you, or anything about you.'

Both mech's felt the burn that flared in their bond from Proxy. No matter how much the femme denied that she was Aurian, the things that would affect Aurian still affected her. She wanted Aurian's mother to know who she was and how she had come to be here.

'You know you can't tell her. Pit, femme! Showing yourself to her is grounds to have her hauled to base just like Aurian was. Only difference is that woman won't know anything about any of this but her life will be taken away from her just the same. Do you really want to do that to her?'

"Sunny..."

"Shut up, Sides. Someone has to make her think about the slag she's doing."

"She's just scared for her."

"That doesn't make it any different."

'Sunny has a point,' Proxy relented dejectedly. 'I didn't think about any of that...but I still want to make sure she's okay. She might remember everything that happened...'

'And she might not,' Sunstreaker pushed. 'What if she doesn't remember any of it, then what?'

'Then Ruby probably won't be able to get her to come to where I am and I'll be home sooner.'

'Ruby isn't with you?' Now a whole new concern danced through Sideswipe's already whirling thoughts. 'Don't you remember what happened last time?'

'That was different. One was still an issue then.'

Sunstreaker finally turned away from the waters he and his brother had been staring over for what felt like orns now. If Proxy was stubborn enough not to listen to reason, and foolish enough to let Ruby separate from her while she was half a world away from anyone who could help her if she glitched, he was going to make sure someone was doing something about it. 'I am going to come get you, and then we'll talk about all of this in person.'

Sideswipe was quick to follow his brother, in full agreement that the femme needed some serious lecturing over her more than ill-conceived actions.

What none of them knew was that the team preparing to go after the femme was already loading up and preparing to head out.

Will watched from his perch near the base of the cargo plane as the silver and gold twins marched toward the Cybertronian section of the base – no doubt headed for Optimus's office to demand action. He thanked whatever beings were watching out for him – or maybe for them – that they probably wouldn't notice the carrier until it was too late.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; a sense of_

_ Impending doom._

_ Okay. What Sunstreaker said...well it made me angry at him, but more than that, it made me think about what I was doing. What right did I have, really, to throw Sylvia into all of this without any warning? Maybe...maybe she didn't remember anything; or if she did, maybe she had convinced herself it wasn't anything but a dream? It was possible. Likely even. Slag, I was really starting to think I had made a horrible mistake and was trying to decide if I should call Ruby back or not, but then I remembered something._

_ It was one of Aurian's memories of her mother. A really fond moment when my predecessor was young and had been scared of changing schools after their first move since she had been born._

_"Change is a good thing, Aurian. Without change, we can never know what we are capable of handling."_

_"But mom, what if everyone hates me?"_

_"I don't hate you, and I'll always be here. It doesn't matter what happens, I will always be your mother and I will always love you – so the rest of them, they can just jump off a cliff if they don't like you."_

_"You wouldn't love me so much if I was someone else, would you? If I was different...I wouldn't be your daughter and you wouldn't have to love me."_

_"It doesn't matter what happens, Auri. You could turn into a puppy and I would love you just the same."_

_"Even if I chewed up your favorite shoes?"_

_"Even if you chewed up my favorite shoes."_

_ Maybe it wasn't fair _not_ to tell her who I was and what had _really_ happened to her daughter._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!**

**Also the 3000th review contest IS STILL GOING! Rules same as before.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	129. Journal Entry 129

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; meetings_

_ As I waited for Ruby to return I spent a lot of time thinking over what I would say to Sylvia or what I would do if she didn't come._

_Either way, I was really nervous._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*2*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Ten minutes until touchdown, everyone get your gear and be ready to go the second tires hit tarmac!" Will marched from the cockpit where he was double-checking their orders with the pilots to the cargo hold where the others waited. "Our destination is thirty-five minutes away at top speed if the traffic's good; I don't want to waste one second."

There was a smattering of 'yes, sir's and an appreciated amount of scrambling to be ready for landing in response to the major's orders.

Turning his attention to the Cybertronian components of his current team, Will plowed on with the last minute preparations. "Prowl, what do you got for me?"

"Home address; six-two-five North Park Avenue. Home number; area code six-nine-zero, five-four-four, six-nine-eight-nine. Work address; one-zero-two-four West Wabaunsee Road. Work number: six-nine-zero, eight-six-zero, nine-zero-zero-zero. Work schedule; Monday, Wednesday, and Friday seven ante meridiem to four post meridiem with a one-hour lunch between the hours of eleven and twelve. Tuesdays and Thursdays from eight ante meridiem to five post meridiem with a one hour lunch between the hours of twelve and one. Gym membership at the local Women's Club; visited on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday from six post meridiem to seven-thirty. Volunteer schedule with an agricultural group known as Four H once a month over the extent of one weekend. Grief support meeting that meets every other Thursday at seven-forty-five at the Church of Latter-day Saints; fifteen members and one group counselor."

For a moment, everyone stared at the reporting mech with a bit of awe. Will had hoped for the home and work information at best, a phone number at worst; but Prowl had very well given them access to the woman's day-to-day life. The 'bots on board were likewise stunned – not necessarily at the quantity of information, but in the time it was gathered.

"Wow, Prowler, you been spyin' on th' femme 'er somethin'?" Jazz asked skeptically.

"No," the mech appeared confused by the looks he was receiving. "Social networking provides adequate access to base things such as home and place of employment; blogs and status updates inform the community as to an individual's actions. Connecting with onsite databases provided the rest."

Sam couldn't contain a burst of laughter as he let what the reformatted mech said sink in. "You Facebooked her?"

The mech turned to the younger man, not seeing the humor in the situation. "It seemed like the best option. Your species has an obsession of telling everyone what they are doing almost every moment."

"Scary," Rob chimed from where he was strapping himself down for the landing.

_"Every move you make, every step you take, every vow you break, I'll be watching you..."_

There was a slew of nervous laughter at Bumblebee's chosen lyrics to voice his opinion on the situation. Not one of the humans could argue what Prowl so factually laid out for them about their species; and none of the 'bots would argue. Humans did like to share everything. Absolutely _everything_.

"Any chance Mrs. Towns _blogged_ about an alien robot?" Will asked, thinking it was the next logical question.

Prowl shook his head. "There are several thousand entries containing key words 'alien robot' on a large number of social networks within the last several days. However, Mrs. Towns was not one of them."

All conversation halted as the plane bumped against the tarmac. Then a few seconds later all the 'bots on board were taking their alt modes; except for Prowl who had yet acquire an appropriate one since his reformatting, but was already scanning nearby vehicles for an alt that would suit him. When he finally did transform, there was an unabashed snickering from one silver Pontiac Solstice.

"Ah cop car, eh Prowler? Some things never change."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"It was in the best interest of everyone involved," Optimus did his best to maintain his temper. Normally, that wasn't a very difficult thing to do, but between his two current visitors and the stress of everything leading up to this encounter, it was becoming a challenge.

Sideswipe was quiet and that was almost terrifying to the Autobot leader. He honestly could not recall a time when the mech had become quiet because of something that angered, or scared him. No, Sideswipe liked noise. He liked things to be loud and explosive, not quiet and most definitely not calm.

"'Everyone involved'? You never even spoke to us!" Sunstreaker, however, was yelling enough for the both of them. It was usually Sideswipe raising the Pit and Sunstreaker glaring things into a smoldering pile of slag – not the other way around.

"We all understood the predicament you and Sideswipe are currently in, Sunstreaker. We did not discount you or your brother's involvement at all. As a matter of fact it was decided that you would not go _because_ of your involvement."

"And whose glitched idea was that?"

"Prowl's." Normally, Optimus would have found a more tactful way to deliver the information, or perhaps avoided the question all together, but he figured with how worked up Sunstreaker was already that perhaps a direct approach might at least shock him into some kind of calmer frame of processor.

"Prowl? As in former Decepticon Barricade, Prowl?"

"Yes, _Prowl_." The Prime put extra emphasis on the designation the reformatted mech had chosen. He was no longer Decepticon Barricade. Currently, he was listed as Neutral Prowl and that was the way he would be addressed. "He pointed out that at this current time, both of you are too emotionally involved to tactfully handle this situation. The assembled team will find Proxy and return her, do not worry."

Sunstreaker growled with frustration while Sideswipe simply sank further into his silent seething in the background. "And where is Prowl. I'd like to show him how emotionally involved we are."

"First; you will not go around base threatening anyone that resides here, for any reason. Second, he is with the team retrieving Proxy."

That garnered the result from Sunstreaker that Optimus had been hoping for. The mech was finally silenced; however, it didn't seem to bring the mech to anything like calmness. Instead, Optimus was pretty sure he could see the energon boiling in the golden twin's lines.

"You let Prowl go..." Sideswipe spoke for the first time since the pair had tracked down Optimus.

"Yes."

"Prowl doesn't even have an alt mode!"

Optimus vented. He had put a lot of thought into his decision; it was not the most optimal situation but the mech had a point at the time that was viable. "Considering the state of processor Proxy had been in when she fled the base it seemed wise to send someone that she had confidence in; someone she trusted." He held up a hand before either twin could tear into him about his choice in 'bots the femme trusted. "She has worked very closely with Prowl over the past several orns and they have developed a strong friendship. I believe that she will listen to him.

"I do understand that the two of you have a closer connection to the femme; however, neither of you are well known for keeping your tempers under control." He gave them a very meaningful look. "Had there been danger of an attack, I would not have thought twice about allowing you two to go to her aid, but this situation does not call for force or violence. We are attempting to keep everything as below the notice of human media as we can."

"What if there _is_ an attack? Prowl has no weapons!" Sideswipe pointed out.

"That is why Ironhide accompanied them."

"She hasn't been listening to us, what makes you think she'll listen to Prowl?" Sunstreaker challenged.

"I also sent Jazz with them," Optimus didn't feel he needed to point out the times that Jazz had been able to bring the femme in even when neither twin could talk sense to her, "and Bumblebee."

"Sure, send the youngling," Sideswipe groused.

As the Autobot leader studied the twins standing before him, he could see the stress in their frames. They were worried and angry, that was clear, and he understood why they were upset with him. It was always hard for them to depend on anyone but each other and that was exactly what he was asking them to do. "I know this is troubling for both of you. I ask that you trust in me enough to take care of this."

Sunstreaker growled something unintelligible while Sideswipe glared at the floor. Neither wanted to tell their leader exactly what they thought of him and his decision about this particular situation.

'We should go after her,' Sideswipe suggested to his brother over their bond.

'How? We don't have a flight mode and there's no way to get out of here without someone noticing, in case you've forgotten.'

'I don't know, but she's _our_ sister...we should be with her. What if the Decepticons attack? What if she glitches?'

"When you were speaking with Proxy, previously – did she mention if she had made contact with Sylvia?"

"No, she sent Ruby to find her..." Sideswipe sighed at the reminder of Proxy's reason for running off in the first place. She wanted to see Sylvia, wanted to know her...she wanted the mother Aurian once had. "She said Ruby hadn't made contact yet."

"That is good news. Perhaps we will be able to intervene before she does."

Sideswipe knew Optimus was thinking of what would be best for the human in the long run; however, despite that the larger mech's words struck him in an odd way. "Why are you so sure it would be a bad thing?" There was a bite to his tone that he hadn't fully intended, but he certainly felt.

"Sides, we already went over that..." Sunstreaker felt the burn in Sideswipe; as if his very spark had been lashed with an electric whip, the spike of anger that was far more defense than offense. He didn't understand it at all, but he did know that Sideswipe wasn't going to let it go either. "If they meet it could ruin what life Sylvia has left."

"What if she wants to know where her daughter _really_ went?" The silver twin snapped angrily. "What if Proxy _needs_ her to be there? Why do we get to be the ones who decide what's right or wrong for them?" He glared at his brother, then at Optimus. "How fair is that?"

"Is it fair to take Sylvia from her home and the rest of her family either?" Optimus pointed out sadly. He agreed with Sideswipe – it wasn't fair for them to choose for the femme and the human that was in a way her mother – but there was still the issue of Sylvia's rights as a human that had nothing to do with the N.E.S.T. team. It was not fair either way they looked at it. All Optimus could do was try to contain those under his command, which included Proxy as a Cybertronian.

Sunstreaker felt Sideswipe's frustration at the whole dilemma. It was what the humans called a 'catch twenty-two'; it didn't matter what they did, either way they were doing something wrong. It didn't make it any better that Sunstreaker agreed with Optimus's point of view – they shouldn't uproot the human from her life as it is just because Proxy felt she needed to be closer to the woman – and that Sideswipe was leaning more towards Proxy's stand on it all.

The tension in the room grew to an almost tangible state, no one sure who was going to snap first – Sideswipe or Sunstreaker – until finally a new distraction came.

::Sideswipe, I need you in the nursery. Now.:: Ratchet's voice held all the urgency of the world, but not the danger of life or death. It was enough to jog the silver front-liner from his current brewing thoughts and focus on something entirely different.

::What's wrong? Did something happen to one of the sparklings?:: Panic consumed Sideswipe, though he did not hesitate for even a klik before racing toward the nursery. If something had happened to the sparklings...well, he wasn't sure what he would do but he was sure he would feel it in his spark for the rest of his life. Not to mention what he would feel physically if Proxy thought he had anything to do with it.

::Just get here. I'll talk to you then.::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Proxy felt the rollercoaster battleground that was the bond between herself and the front-liner twins. They were both upset with her, she understood that, but it seemed they were growing rather unsettled with each other as well. Not to mention that they were both pretty miffed about something else that she had yet to catch wind of. She did her best to dampen the sensations washing through her, causing her to feel nauseous and disoriented as they flipped back and forth and clashed with her own. If Ruby had been there, she would have been able to handle them just fine, but without the little symbiote to help her sort the data flowing in her processor and pick her own from the rest; the femme was at an extreme disadvantage.

Groaning with discomfort, Proxy attempted to find a position where she could lay on the ground and not damage her – as she had recently discovered – oh-so-sensitive wings. It was a difficult chore for someone that had become accustomed to lying however she wanted without worrying over it, to suddenly have something to so painfully inform her that she couldn't. For a while, she considered finding another alt mode that didn't have wings...but the memories of her flight here were enough to shove those thoughts far to the darkest depths of her dysfunctional processor.

'Ruby? How's it going?'

Destination reached. Seeking objective. Status?

'I'm holding up...but if you could hurry I would really appreciate it.' Proxy felt Ruby's gentle probing – far different from how Sideswipe or Sunstreaker felt when they were searching for something over their bond – trying to assess her host's state of being. 'It's the twins, they're riled up over me taking off. I didn't even think about it...should have known. They're mad and upset.'

Return?

'Not yet, no. Keep looking...I'll contact you if it gets any worse.'

Adequate.

'How about you, kitten? You doing all right?'

Separation strain still minimal. Discomfort, not critical.

'Good.' Proxy felt a sharp spike in the bond to the twins, but she was so disoriented that she couldn't begin to comprehend what it was or what it was connected to. She shifted around some more until she was laying on her front with crossed arms pillowing her head. Her tanks churned with the dizzy feeling in her processor. 'I'm going to recharge for a bit, okay? Will you...alert me in a few breems? Just check in?'

Affirmative.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; strange feelings_

_ I tried to recharge. I tried really hard, __but the harder I tried, the worse the feelings in my head and tanks got.__ I felt so sick and so confused. I wanted Ruby to come back and help me, I wanted to feel better, but I wanted her to find Sylvia too. It was such a hard choice to make, but I chose to let my little femme symbiote keep looking for my...for Sylvia._

_ My tanks grew tired of the churning energon in them and decided to be rid of the foul substance. I purged several times leaving a foaming blue liquid seeping into the dirty cracked floors. I was so miserable. If I could just recharge, I could get through it..._

_ Still, through it all, I kept getting this...feeling...this half sense of something I knew I wanted to focus on but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get my processor under control enough to figure out what Sideswipe...or Sunstreaker was trying to tell me. It was even getting to the point that I couldn't really understand Ruby's periodic messages checking in with me._

_ I was finally granted some peace after what felt like an eternity of suffering. Recharge was bliss...for all of a few kliks before the 'dreams' kicked in._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**Again; all Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: What Time We Have Left. A VERY moving and well written fic, and for Jazz's accent.

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;


	130. Journal Entry 130

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; bits and pieces_

_ My processor was...I don't even know what it was. I don't know how to describe what I thought of my own processor and the dreams that it gave me._

_ In the current state I was in, I was sure I heard things, but my audios rang with the silence between spoken words. I was sure I saw things, but my eyes were blinded with the afterglow of whatever they had gazed upon. It was some frustrating mix of sensory bombardment and complete deprivation but at the same time, I knew there was something important going on._

_ As I continued through the whirlwind of busy-nothingness, I perceived a soft non-voice whispering something urgent in my audio. I needed to do something, apparently, but I wasn't sure what. If only I could clear up my processor, then I would understand all of this._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Several months had gone by.

Months.

She still couldn't believe it, but she could never forget it.

Every time she came home and her answering machine sat full of messages begging her to 'go out', to 'feel better', or whatever else it was they pleaded of her, but it still remained void of the one voice she wanted to hear, she was reminded that he daughter was dead.

It wasn't like Sylvia sat at home moping. No, that wasn't her way and Aurian would have been very upset with her if she even thought her mother opted to waste away in solitude without her there. Instead, Sylvia was a very active woman. She kept herself busy so that she wouldn't think about her daughter not being there. It rarely worked, but it did keep her from breaking down too much. That's what the support group was for.

Those people – other parents who had lost children – were so integral in Sylvia's ability to cope that they had become something more than just group supporters. They were good friends and they would often get together outside of meetings and just be normal people.

Still, Sylvia couldn't help how she felt today as she pushed into her home and dropped her keys and purse on the table beside the door. Today had just been one thing after the next and the only thing she wanted to do was to sit with her daughter and have a nice talk; but that would never happen because Aurian had been dead for several months.

"Oh, Auri..." she bemoaned to the empty house, "why did you have to go and get wrapped up in all that stuff?" The soldiers that had been at Aurian's funeral had been so eager to tell Sylvia that her daughter had been a kind soul, that they didn't know how they were going to move on without her, but she hadn't needed them to say anything to know that. Aurian had always had a big heart. That and being as stubborn as a wild ass did little to keep the girl out of trouble. Whatever her daughter had gotten herself wrapped up in, Sylvia was sure that she had done it out of the kindness of her heart and had pursued it so far because of her stubbornness. "I wish you were here, sweetheart. I miss you so much."

Talking to nothing was supposed to be a sign of deeper trouble, but Sylvia knew it was just her venting her pent-up emotions. She wasn't going crazy.

Continuing down the hall, the older woman completely ignored the flashing light on her home phone; she didn't want to know what other people had to say right now. She just wanted a warm drink and to sit and talk to her daughter that wasn't there.

"You know, it's Thursday, right? You're supposed to be here for dinner tonight. You and Roger. Shame what happened to him too..." She sighed heavily as she yanked open one stubborn cupboard to retrieve a cup. "You two...always got your heads so wrapped up in what you were doing you couldn't see what was going on right beside you. Bet you two would have been a great couple; many kids much too smart for their own good.

"I know, I know; 'shut up, mom', right? Guess that's not something we'll ever have to worry about now."

Filling the cup with water, Sylvia stared out of the kitchen window into the neighbor's back yard. She watched their small black dog – some mutty mix of Corgi and Chihuahua as best as she could tell – raced up and down the chain link fence barking its ill-proportioned head off.

Curious to know what had the normally complacent dog so riled, Silvia set her now full cup to the side and went to the back door. "Kipper! What are you barking at?" She stepped outside to look over her own yard for whatever had triggered the dog, but she saw nothing. "Why don't you calm down before you give yourself a heart attack?"

Shaking her head and smiling as Kipper settled, plopping his oversized rump on the ground as he panted heavily, Silvia headed back inside. "Silly mutt."

When she turned to resume making her hot drink, Silvia found a small surprise sitting on the counter top beside her cup. An eerily familiar red Dell laptop. She froze where she stood, one hand still resting on the frame of the back door she had just shut, the other hanging limply at her side.

"I'm imagining things," she stated flatly, determinedly striding over to the laptop and firmly placing both hands on it to prove that it was simply an illusion that would disappear once she attempted to touch it...but it didn't. Instead, her hands were met with a softly humming, fairly warm machine.

"No, no, no...this isn't real," she argued with her senses. "It can't be."

Still, the laptop refused to vanish into the mists of her mind like she thought it should. No, it simply refused to cease to exist and instead, pinged softly at her.

Lifting the top before she could convince herself not to, Silvia looked for the reason for the sound, her heart beating a double-beat rhythm inside her chest as she did. What did she hope to find? Some message saying; 'ha-ha, it was all a joke'? Unlikely.

On the screen of the little Dell XPS project (RED) laptop whose particular make had been out of production for almost four years sat a simple white screen with a sketch of some sort of happy hybrid of cat and machine colored in red sprawled across it; and a simple message. I am real.

She stared at it, her hands refusing to move and her lungs refusing to pull in, or expel air.

Designation; Ruby.

"That's what my daughter used to call her laptop." The words were whispered before she even realized she was speaking.

Affirmative.

The response to her words was enough to spur Sylvia into some form of movement. Gently, she closed the laptop, picked it up and carried it into her living room. There, she set it on the coffee table, just as gently as she could, and returned to the kitchen without so much as one uttered sound of alarm. Her eyes were wide, she was sure, and her heart was beating a hole right through her chest and back, but she continued to act calmly.

She finished preparing her drink and took a long swig of it before even considering anything more. Then returned to the living room and sat carefully on the edge of her couch across from the innocent seeming device.

"Ruby, huh?" Maybe she really _was_ insane. Here she was seriously considering holding a conversation with a laptop – a closed laptop mind you – that had appeared out of nowhere.

Still, the machine pinged at her again as if responding to her spoken question, so Sylvia felt compelled to be polite and lift the top of the machine to see what it had said.

Affirmative. Your designation is Sylvia, correct?

Taking another long drink, Sylvia considered what she wanted to say. "If you are what I think you are, you already know the answer to that; and even if you aren't what I think you are, you should still know because then you're just some way too real creation of my own mind."

I am real, the machine pinged, and I do know you to be who you are, I simply wished to be polite.

"Right, well," she set her cup down and leaned forward, "pleasantries aside, why are you here?"

My host wished to seek you out. She had concerns for your safety after a rather unsettling revelation to herself. I came to see if you were safe on her behalf.

"Why didn't she some herself then? And who is she?"

Designation; Proxy. She is unable to present herself due to complications between government contracts, and her desire to spare any unnecessary discontent on your part.

Sylvia was quiet for a long time as she thought over the words printed on the screen before her. She thought back over the past several months; how out of sorts her life had seemed despite her busy schedule and her strict adherence to it. She was about as discontent as a person could be, what would one more thing do to make that any worse?

"So, this Proxy...she was worried about me?"

Affirmative.

"Why?"

An event that occurred over an orn ago that you might have become involved in by the recounting of another participant.

"An orn?" The woman thought back as far as she could to come up with anything that might have been odd or 'eventful' that she could label as likely for this visit. "I had...a dream...about a week ago," she sighed heavily remembering how _real_ it had all felt. "Robots and terrible monsters and people all running around, yelling and fighting...it was atrocious..." she remembered seeing things falling, dying – she had thought – painful and gruesome deaths. However, there was one thing that she remembered above all else.

When she had told her group about it, they had all given her those sympathetic looks that said she had come so far only to fall so fast. She had hated them for those looks at the time. Even now, she felt resentful of them.

"I had seen Aurian there. She looked so..." her voice broke as she remembered the thin, pale image of her daughter standing so tall, so proudly beside the robots. She had been smiling and talking easily with them as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "She suffered _so much_!" Sylvia couldn't stop the tears from falling. That vision had been too much for her then, and the memory was still too much now. Her daughter had been strong-willed, determined and loyal to the very end, she knew that, but Sylvia hated that she knew her daughter had gone through so much and had ended up paying the ultimate price for what her child had thought was the _right_ _thing to do_. It was so hard to remember. It was unfair and she wanted to force whatever powers that be to make it right again...to give her back her daughter.

The little laptop pinged again and again, trying to draw the woman's attention back to its screen. When Sylvia looked up, she felt a sharp bite of sympathy in her chest.

Aurian loved you very much.

She loved everyone very much.

Everything she did was for those she loved.

Even in the end, her last moments were for those she loved, and no one can ever take that from her.

"I know that's supposed to make me feel better," she sobbed, "but it really doesn't make the fact that my little girl is gone hurt any less."

Was not intended for that purpose. Reporting facts as they were relayed to me.

It took Sylvia a lot longer, and another warm drink, before she was calmed enough to continue the conversation.

"So," she sighed as she plopped back down on her couch, "this, Proxy...sent you after me because of my dream?"

Partial truth.

"What's the rest of it?"

Proxy sent me to assure you were safe because of your involvement with the event; not a dream.

"Wait...what?" Not a dream? How could that not have been a dream? She had woken up in her bed, covered in sweat...and she had been completely covered in filth, but she had put that out of her mind as just stress induced hallucinations.

The event was not a dream. It was a phenomenon that occurred not on this plane of actuality, but not completely separated from it either. A yet undetermined number of individuals were involved in the event; however, your name was presented as one that was.

"So, you're checking up on everyone?"

Negative. Just you.

This stunned the woman to silence again. She tried to ask 'why me' a few times, but the only thing that escaped her was a soft squeak of confusion.

My host- the screen twitched, blinked, then flashed before a soft 'popping' sound could be heard inside the mechanism then the screen went black.

"Ruby?" Sylvia wasn't sure why she was suddenly concerned for the laptop, but her heart skipped a few beats when the machine didn't turn back on. "Ruby, what happened?"

Still there was no answer.

Sylvia put her hands on the computer, looking for any signs of response on Ruby's part. What she felt was an odd, clicking, twitching, grinding sensation from inside it. Then as if drawn by the touch of her hand, the machine began to warp. It pulled up and in, parts sliding this way and that until the whole laptop was nothing of its former self. Instead, beneath her hand sat some odd little machine that looked feline in nature.

Her first instinct was to pull her hand away in alarm, but didn't. The little cat robot was trembling horribly, its bright blue eyes looking wild and unfocused. It looked scared, and Sylvia couldn't help but to grab up the small creature and cuddle it close to her chest, whispering soft shushes and telling it that everything was okay.

Ruby allowed herself to be held, her tiny spark fluttering at the contact and the desire on the human's behalf to want to help her. Unfortunately, the little cat'bot knew that Sylvia couldn't stop what was happening to her. She had been away from Proxy too long, and the femme was starting to suffer backlash. She had to get back to her before they both crashed.

Pushing gently away from the human woman, Ruby tried to assure her that she appreciated her attempts, pressing her odd head against the human's chin as she slid from her arms and trotted somewhat unstably over the floor.

"Wait, Ruby," Sylvia leaped from her seat, rushing to where her keys and purse lay. "I'll take you where you're going. You're going back to Proxy, right? I'd like to meet this 'host' that was so concerned for me out of so many."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Major William Lennox stood before the house like a statue set in the ground. He had gotten this far with no problems, just thinking about what needed to be done and not who he was about to face.

His job had led him down a similar path all too many times, but this time seemed so very different. He had already told this woman her daughter had died in the line of duty, that was hard enough, and then there had been the funeral – which had been far from easy – and now here he was yet again.

_ 'What was that femme thinking,' _he growled to himself as he felt a firm hand land on his shoulder. _'This woman has suffered enough.'_

"Don't be too tough on Proxy, Will," Rob coached quietly. "You know that femme means well."

"You know what they say about good intentions."

"Well, we're all pretty full of good intentions."

Will sighed. He got what Rob was getting at; in the line of duty, they had done some pretty horrible things – all in the name of good intentions – and they were _still_ doing horrible things in the name of good intentions. It was rather hypocritical of him to blame the femme for wanting to do what she thought was right no matter what the outcome might be.

"Right...well, let's get this over with and hope for the best."

"Exactly! The best," Sam agreed whole-heartedly as he trotted past the two solders and up to the two story suburban home.

It was rather simple as far as houses went: a small open porch with a simple white door, basic aluminum siding painted a soft tan with dark brown trim. What made the home stand out from the others in the block that looked just like it was the odd arrangement of flowers, uncommon bushes, and small trees that crowded the yard in front of it. By the sheer numbers of plants the yard should have appeared cluttered and unorganized, but somehow, here, it just seemed right.

Will and Rob came at a slightly slower pace behind the younger man, but they were there by the time Sam finished pounding an odd rhythm against the door. All three men waited for the woman they knew to be inside according to her schedule and the compact car parked in the garage according to Bumblebee's scans. They waited, and waited, and waited until Sam was about to knock again before there was a sound behind the door.

At first, the door only cracked open, one gray-blue eye peeked around the barrier to consider the people on the other side.

"Yes?"

"Mrs. Towns?" Sam asked curiously.

"Yes...what do you want?"

At this, Will stepped forward. "Mrs. Towns, you remember me don't you?"

The eye widened slightly, and then narrowed as the door was yanked fully open to reveal the very displeased woman behind it. "Major Lennox. Yes, I remember you. What are you doing here?"

"Please accept my apology for bothering you again, but I have come to ask you a few questions..."

"Pardon my frankness, sir, but I have no interest in speaking with you." Sylvia noticed the assortment of vehicles parked in front of her home and the other men still lingering near them. "Have I done something wrong?"

"Not at all, ma'am," Will assured her. "We just have some concern about some odd happenings, and wanted to make sure you were alright."

"So...you're checking up on me..." the tone to her voice seemed off, like there was some hidden amusement or confusion there.

Will picked up on this off tone and immediately suspected the worst. "Have you seen anything unusual in the area?"

Silvia glared at the men before her for several moments before standing up as straight as she could, squaring her shoulders defiantly. "No," she stated confidently before turning away and slamming the door shut.

The three men stood in shock of the woman's response for a few minutes before any of them spoke.

"So," Rob started.

"She's made contact," Sam stated with confidence.

"Fantastic..." Will lamented. Now the hard part began.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

On the other side of the door, Sylvia leaned heavily against the wood for support, her chest heaving with sudden panic.

She could take computers that turned into adorable cat robots – or adorable cat robots that turned into computers, whichever way it went – but now there were a lot of military men standing on her front lawn and that was a bit beyond her. Especially given the poor state of the wobbly robot cat standing before her.

"Problem," she whispered softly.

Ruby trilled, recognizing the Autobots beyond the currently barricaded door. While she knew the 'bots were looking for Proxy, and would likely stop Sylvia from going to her femme host, she also knew the 'bots would be more concerned for her health than they would be about a little exposure.

"My car is in the garage...maybe I can outrun them?" Without much further thought on the matter, Sylvia scooped up the robot cat and dashed for the door leading to her garage. "If I haven't done anything wrong, they can't shoot me," she stated confidently.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

::'Hide...you catch that?::

::The sound of a car engine? Yes.::

::Ya don't think she's gonna run, do ya?::

::That would seem to be the least likely action given that there isn't any route that is likely to allow escape.::

::That's the thing about humans, Prowl,:: Bumblebee still had a hard time believing that this mech was once Barricade. ::They don't always consider all the facts before they act...and sometimes they still succeed.::

::Ya, an' don't ferget that this particular human is related ta Aurian...:: Jazz helpfully pointed out.

::Which means,:: Ironhide started even as the garage door started to lift, ::the femme is going to run...::

With the loud screech of small tires bearing a light frame of an eco-friendly compact car, the little gray vehicle tore from the garage and into the street, nearly slamming into Bumblebee in the process.

It all happened so quickly the humans had barely a chance to react, though many of them laid hands on the car and called out for the woman to stop, it had all been futile as the car retreated down the street. The men didn't take long to scramble into their respective seats so that the Autobots could give chase, but were surprised when the Cybertronians only followed at a sedate pace rather than trying to corner the woman.

"What's going on?" Will asked cautiously of his friend and guardian. "We can catch her no problem, what are you doing?"

Jazz's voice over the radio was the first to respond. _"Well, did ya happen ta catch uh glimpse o' Sylvia's fancy new accessory?"_

_ "Can't say any of us were looking,"_ Rob's voice answered back through the same speakers.

Dread filled Will at Jazz's casual tone. The mech did enjoy delivering bad news with an upbeat tone. "Why, what did she have?"

_"Ruby."_ Prowl had not only seen the little cat'bot, but had received a short message from the symbiote shortly before Sylvia had made her rather rushed escape. _"The human has been exposed and is taking Ruby back to Proxy."_

_ "So we're just going to follow?"_ Rob found himself confused and at a loss. However, things became slightly clearer as Prowl's lights came on and he sped past the rushing compact car.

"Wait," Will finally made a few important connections in his own head. "Ruby and Proxy are separated again..."

_"Time is short, Major,"_ Prowl agreed.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; never, ever easy_

_ The first thing that came to me was that I was being stared at by several different beings. I knew them all; well, I knew them all except for the one I recognized but did not personally know – Sylvia. I was happy to see her there, and eager to talk to her – though the fact that so many N.E.S.T. members were there made me a little nervous._

_ What came next had my internals turning to pure ice and my tanks churning violently with what was left in them._

_ Sideswipe had been trying to get a hold of me repeatedly and the messages were scrolling through my vision as Ruby unscrambled them from everything else in my processor._

_ ~Something's wrong with the youngest one...~_

_ Then his anxiety hit me and everything turned upside down._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	131. Journal Entry 131

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; things you never want to hear_

_ The world; Pit, the _multiverse_ is full of them. The worst of them, I think – and I'm sure any creator of any variety that cares for their offspring will agree with me – is to hear that something has happened to your progeny._

_ By the time I was back to a cognitive functionality, Sideswipe had regained his senses and was calmly trying to explain to me what was going on. I can't imagine that was easy for him considering my floored, panicked state of processor and spark. I had left and something had happened to my sparkling!_

_ How could I?_

_ This was my fault...if I had been there..._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sylvia stared at the tall robot in front of her with pure awe and disbelief. The thing was huge: nearly ten feet tall and so beautiful. The long thin 'wings' – because she didn't know what else to call them – that sat so gracefully against its back were breathtaking. The fine curve of every line forming the robot's body, right down to the details of its face. Sylvia instinctively wanted to call 'it' a 'she' simply because of the soft curves and delicate look of the thing.

When Sylvia had entered the wrecked laboratory, the same one her daughter used to work at when she had been alive, she didn't know what she expected to find. Once they were inside the little cat robot had made a rather disturbing sound and leaped to the floor, leading Sylvia to a room – one of the labs – where a silver mass lay limp in the destruction with a faintly glowing blue liquid spilled around its head. The woman's heart had pounded double time at the image, wondering what exactly she was seeing as Ruby climbed over the limp form and then...melted...into its head.

Several minutes later, the men from her house came in. Two of them, obviously the lower ranking of the men, came to stand on either side of Sylvia, instructing her to remain calm – they had no intentions of harming her – and promising that everything would be explained in a few minutes.

Major Lennox, the dark-skinned man that had been near by every time Sylvia had seen the major, and the young boy that had been the first to knock on her door today all rushed over to the robot, strictly avoiding the blue liquid, and speaking softly to the thing as if they expected their voices to rouse it.

'Then again,' Sylvia thought to herself, 'I was just holding a verbal conversation with a laptop that turned into a robot cat...what do I know?'

It had taken some time for the robot to get up and on her – because Sylvia was pretty set in her mind that this thing was a 'she', even if it was a robot – feet. The machine had looked over the crowd, her strange eyes stopping on Sylvia herself before she looked off into the distance as if someone had called out to her.

"Proxy," Major Lennox called out urgently. "Proxy? Are you glitching again? Ruby?"

"Hey!" The young man shouted as he tapped on the robot's leg with his open hand. "Come on, Proxy; join us here on planet Earth, would you?"

When there still came no response, the third man that had approached the robot turned back toward where they had come in. "I'm getting one of the guys."

Epps...his name was Epps. Was he a major too? No, he was something else. Sylvia was having a hard time making her brain work the way she wanted it to. The large robot in front of her was just too mind-boggling for her to think straight. A part of her, a very large part of her, wanted to call out to the machine too. She wanted to know that she was all right. She wanted to tell her that her little cat robot had found her and brought her here, but her voice was lost in the same place proper thinking was.

A few minutes later the soft rumbling of a highly tuned sport engine echoed through the building as a small silver Pontiac Solstice rolled into the room. Sylvia only found enough sense of mind to wonder briefly how the thing had gotten in, and how in the world it was driving itself with Mr. Epps, 'or whatever his title is', was walking behind it.

"Ya sure 'bout this?" A voice drifted from the silver car, to which Major Lennox nodded.

"We're going to have to explain all of this anyway, what's one more?"

"Gotcha," the voice agreed even as a strange sound filled the room and the car fell apart, and then stood up.

"Gods!" Sylvia nearly lost her footing as yet another robot stood in front of her. Lucky for her, the two men flanking her were quick to steady her. "That _car_ is a _robot_!"

The robot turned its visor like excuse for eyes on the woman with a quirky smile on its face. "Somethin' like that," he agreed – because that voice was definitely, without any argument to be had, male.

Then the second robot turned to the first and Sylvia realized that the first robot wasn't quite so huge. This one was a good three feet taller than the first one. When he spoke, his voice changed from that amused-catty way he had spoken to Sylvia, to a much more calm tone.

"Hey, lil'lady, what's goin' on in there?" Jazz touched his hands to Proxy's shoulders in seeming attempt to draw her attention from whatever plane of existence she had gone to.

"I've got to get back!" Finally, the first robot spoke in a voice that left goosebumps running up Sylvia's spine. It wasn't familiar, so to speak, but it just seemed so...well, like she _should_ know it.

Proxy was already moving, but Jazz held her still. "Hold on one second an' talk ta meh first."

"My _sparkling_ needs me!" She demanded with great ferocity and desperation. "I shouldn't have left them!"

Still the larger robot held the smaller one firmly in place. "What happened?"

Sylvia's heart went out to Proxy immediately at the tone in her voice, at the very stance in the robot's body. Whatever a 'sparkling' was, the woman knew that look better than even her own heart. "Let her go!" She demanded firmly, stalking forward despite the men beside her that tried to stop her.

Proxy finally seemed to come back to where she was and who all was there. She looked at the small human currently stomping her way over to her with a look on her face that demanded obedience. "Sylvia?"

"Yes, Ruby brought me here. It's nice to meet you, Proxy, but I think it's pretty clear you have something more important to get to."

The robots both seemed surprised by Sylvia's bold way of speaking to them, but Proxy was quick to recover, kneeling before the woman.

"I wanted to be sure you were okay...after everything that happened..." Proxy's spark was tearing in pieces. Parts of it tumbling with the need to go back to her sparklings and to defend them from everything – even the things she couldn't – while others pounded for her to stay with Sylvia; to tell her the truth and to make everything okay for her.

"Your 'sparkling'?" The woman asked, reaching one hand out to touch Proxy's arm. "You need to be with your child."

The robot keened painfully even as her wings twitched with the need to go. "Come with me?"

"Yes." Sylvia hadn't even thought about it. She _needed_ to be with this robot, whatever it was and for whatever reason she wasn't sure, but her heart knew where she needed to be. Sylvia had learned long ago to listen to her heart first and think about it later.

Before anyone could protest, or do anything to stop it, the robot Sylvia knew to be Proxy shattered and melted down into a small plane that the woman had never before seen, an opening in the side waiting. It was small, and dark, but it was enough for Sylvia to dive in and hope for the best.

She felt the sensation of movement, but couldn't tell if they were moving up, down, forward or backwards, just that they were moving. Sylvia was thankful that the space was small enough that she could brace herself with her arms and legs.

"Sorry for the turbulence," the robot's voice drifted from somewhere. "This form isn't exactly designed for passengers."

"That's okay, it's...exciting." By 'exciting' she meant that her stomach felt like it was about to crawl out of her throat and she was pretty sure her heart had relocated to her feet somewhere. Still, Sylvia wasn't about to argue. She was where she needed to be and that much she knew for fact.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Really?" Will demanded as he stared at the impossible slit in the ceiling that Proxy had _somehow_ managed to slip through. "_Really?_" He was so frustrated at this point, he was pretty sure he could rip his hair out and bash his face into the wall and still not feel better.

"Uh, guess so..." Jazz responded intelligently. ::Ratch'? What happened with th' sparklin's?::

::Nothing has happened,:: the medic assured him. ::I have just diagnosed the condition of the youngest. Why? Who told you?::

::Who do ya think?::

::Sideswipe told Proxy, didn't he?::

::Yep.::

::She glitched, didn't she?::

::Sorta...::

There was a disturbed pause over the line as that sank in and set off all kinds of alarms in Ratchet's processor. ::What happened?::

::Well, Ah'd say expect Proxy back in no time...with uh visitor.::

A heavy venting filtered through the link as Ratchet made the connections. ::I'll let Optimus know. Did she at least seem healthy, other than the glitch?::

::Ah can't say fer sure, Ratch. She purged some, but she didn't look weak or hurt or nothin'. Probably just from separation.::

::Lets hope she makes it back in one piece.::

::Ah'm sure she will. If fer no other reason than fer her sparklin's.:: Jazz mused about the femme's ability to rise above and beyond all expectations when her processor was set to something. ::By th' way, what was th' diagnosis?::

::He's blind,:: Ratchet vented again, ::and there is nothing I can do about it.::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe stood with two sparklings in his arms: the youngest one and the one that absolutely refused to be more than a few feet from him – Cascade. The two were happily chattering with each other, not seeming to even notice the dour mood of the mech holding them. They were excited to be outside of the nursery, even if they weren't being allowed to get down and play.

The silver front-liner knew Proxy was on her way home, she had told him she was coming – not to mention the fact that he could feel her getting closer by the second – and he also knew the first thing she was going to want would be to see her recently declared blind sparkling. It had taken a little convincing to get Ratchet to agree, but they both knew Proxy was going to be in no sensible state of processor, and it would be better if not all of the sparklings were forced to see the femme's inevitable breakdown.

Ratchet had been pretty upset with himself when he had concluded that the small mech was indeed blind. He said he should have known sooner – though Sideswipe pointed out that the medic had known _something_ was up with the sparkling long ago – still that wasn't as hard to handle as the fact he knew he could not repair the damaged optics. The strange mixing between organic biology and Cybertronian biology made it impossible to just replace the damaged parts. Not without a lot more research, at least.

"Your creator is going to be crazy when she gets here," Sideswipe warned the sparklings softly. "Just try not to get upset, okay?"

Cascade looked up at Sideswipe with curious optics, obviously not having any idea what he was talking about, but happy to know he was talking to them nonetheless. She chirped at him happily before attempting to crawl up his arm.

"Yeah, stay positive..." the mech vented heavily as he turned his optics back to the sparkling of all the current excitement.

He understood why Ratchet hadn't wanted to say the young mech was blind at first; he didn't act like a blind sparkling. Even now, he was tracing lines over Sideswipe's plating as if drawing little pictures, though if he looked close enough even Sideswipe could see that the little mech's optics were distant. It was just hard to believe. How could anything be wrong with anything so small, so young? It wasn't fair. Hadn't these guys all suffered enough already? They'd beat the odds just to come into existence...why did there have to be more?

Turning his optics back to the sky, the front-liner could see the glimmer of Proxy's alt mode flash in the distance. He was sure that if he had not been looking for her, even he with his superior optics wouldn't have seen her. The humans had no clue the femme was close until she was hitting the ground already more than halfway transformed to her bipedal mode and with a woozy looking human femme clutched in one hand.

The mech was surprised to have the human shoved into his hand even as the sparkling was taken from him. Probably not as surprised as the human was, but still...it wasn't what he had expected.

Proxy took the little blue-green mech and held him close to her chest plates, all the while whispering apologies to him for letting this happen to him.

Cascade squeaked unhappily from her place on Sideswipe's shoulder; whether it was from her creator's distress or from being separated from her brother, no one was entirely sure. It was all the front-liner could do to catch the tiny femme before she leaped from his shoulder in attempt to get to her brother. He carefully handed her over to Proxy, who all-too-willingly accepted the second sparkling into her embrace.

"Proxy, there's nothing you could have done. He was...created this way." He wrapped his free arm around the femme, being careful with the human in his other hand. "It's not your fault."

"I should have _been here_," the femme lamented miserably.

"You can't always be there," the human spoke up for the first time.

Sylvia had been completely disoriented at first. She had gone from almost complete sensory deprivation to being tossed about like a doll between robots, but the scene explained itself enough to her that she didn't blame any of her treatment on the robot.

Sideswipe finally looked at the human he was holding, alarm and surprise finally settling on him once he realized just who she was. "Sylvia?"

"It seems that every one of you guys knows me...I don't know whether I should be thrilled or afraid."

"You're...were...Aurian's mother, we all know you," the mech explained with a twinge of sorrow.

"Your voice sounds very familiar..." Sylvia stood, her legs offering some sort of stability as she tried to get a better look at this even larger robot. "I've met you before."

"We...uh..." Sideswipe wasn't sure what to say to that.

Sylvia felt chills running through her as she remembered the voice speaking to her at a time in her life she would never forget. "You're Sideswipe!" She declared with amazement and alarm. "You...but I...what was..._who_ was that man that I talked to?"

Sideswipe looked between the human and the femme at his side nervously. "It was my holoform," he admitted.

"But...he was so _real_!" The woman declared as she studied the mech even closer. "You were that pretty little sport car."

"Ha!" Proxy seemed pulled from her overbearing-caretaker mode to laugh at Sideswipe. "She called you pretty."

Sylvia's attention was switched back to the smaller silver robot and the two small ones tucked in her arms. They really did look like babies compared to the larger robots, though they were hardly infant sized by any means. "They're yours?" The woman asked, motherly instinct taking over where her brain was struggling to make connections. Babies she understood.

"Yes, these are two of my sparklings," the femme stated proudly, holding up the little ones for Sylvia to see.

Cascade was trying to climb from her caretaker's hand to Sideswipe's so she could get a better look at the human while the youngest one simply sat playing with his feet.

Sylvia was all too pleased to reach out to the little green robot and help her across the gap, just as interested in the little machine as she was in her. "How many do you have?" She asked, settling into a sitting position to be more on level with the smaller robot.

"Thirteen," Proxy said, though with a great amount of mourning. "They are all that survived."

Sylvia was stunned. "Survived? What...happened to the others?"

"That's for another time," Sideswipe intervened quickly. "Optimus and Ratchet are waiting for you, Proxy."

"I don't want to see either of them," the femme groused miserably, pulling her youngest sparkling back to her chassis to dote on him better.

"You should have thought about that before taking off like you did."

"Yeah, because _you're_ one to speak."

"That's beside the point," Sideswipe vented softly, happy to see the femme acting at least somewhat normal. "And don't forget her," he hoisted Sylvia and Cascade before the femme as reminder. "You've gotta explain yourself and she has to be debriefed."

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" Sylvia demanded angrily.

"Unfortunately, no..." Sideswipe tried to apologize. "Proxy bringing you here pretty much took away any chance of that you had...I'm sorry."

"That's not fair!" Proxy protested loudly.

"No, it's not. None of it is fair," he gave the femme a rather long stare and expressed loudly across their bond that he understood why she had done what she had done, but that she was going to have to deal with the way things were going to be handled whether she liked it or not.

Proxy's gaze shifted to Sylvia, pure regret written across her face. "I am so sorry, Sylvia. I wasn't thinking...you will probably hate me after all of this."

"Proxy, I came with you. You asked and I came. It is just as much my own fault I'm here; I'm ready to deal with this Optimus and Ratchet."

"You say that now..."

"And I will say it again later," the woman said sternly. "Now, if they're waiting, let's get going."

"Now I know where she got it from..." Sideswipe said in half amusement, half-nostalgic lamenting.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Optimus wasn't entirely sure what he was expecting, but a very confident human femme being carried in by Sideswipe with a timid looking Proxy carrying sparklings coming behind him was not exactly it.

Ratchet was practically on the femme the second she walked through the door, knowing that if he gave her a second she would resist him. He scanned her quickly, noting the low energon levels and the stress of recent transformation, but otherwise she seemed healthy. "After this, you will come with me to the med bay so I can make sure you haven't damaged yourself by taking a flight mode..." the medic paused at the nervous look the femme gave him. "Please," he added softly. "I am only concerned for your health."

"I don't need..."

"Don't argue with the doctor," Sylvia spoke up reflexively – it was an argument she had held with Aurian far too often for it not to come naturally to her – catching even herself off guard at the order. She was only assuming the bright-colored robot was a doctor of sorts by the way he was talking, but from the expressions everyone else was giving her, she was pretty sure she had gotten it right. "He only wants what's best for you," she finished, though a little less confidently.

"Sylvia Towns," Optimus greeted in a friendly tone. "I am pleased to finally get to meet you."

When the human turned to the larger – much, much larger – robot, she felt a bout of vertigo trying to look up at his face. "Wow, you are big!"

"That's what everyone says," Proxy mused as she glanced over at the Autobot leader, though her optics were more concerned with the CMO still standing beside her. She couldn't quite tell what Ratchet was thinking by the expression on his face, but she could tell that whatever it was, she was sure she already disapproved.

"My name is Optimus Prime; I am the leader of the Autobots."

"Autobots?" Sylvia couldn't help but to be enraptured by the voice of this new – very large – robot. It was soothing and inspiring all at once.

"Sentient autonomous robots," the mech explained easily. "You have already met Proxy and Sideswipe..."

"Yes, I have met them," Sylvia gave both 'bots a sideways glance before returning her focus back tot he largest moving mechanism she had ever seen in her life.

"This," he held his hand out to where Ratchet still stood watching Proxy, that strange expression still on his face, "is our Chief Medical Officer Ratchet."

"Nice to meet you, Ratchet. You too, Optimus Prime. I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed right now," the woman shifted from one foot to the other trying to ease some of the tension in her body. "Can we please get to the point of all this?"

Optimus found himself taken back by the woman's boldness – by her bluntness – and had to take a moment to gather his thoughts. "I understand there must be a lot for you to take in; however, I also need to be sure you understand the situation you are currently in."

"What is there to understand? I'm on what I can only assume to be some military base with a bunch of talking robots. I can also assume that I can't go home, which...I think I'm okay with at this point. The only thing I really had going on there was a slow mental breakdown in progress."

"...Yes," Optimus was impressed, to say the least, with the woman's ability to comprehend and willingness to accept the situation. "We will do our best to make this transition as comfortable as possible."

"Sure." Sylvia sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair. "So...you..." she paused, looking at all the robots standing around her, the eerie symbol plastered across all of them, and decided she had to know. "Aurian was working with you guys, wasn't she?" She watched carefully to see the reactions of each of the robots – the large one before her sagged a little, the one holding her shivered almost violently, the small one made a sound that was reminiscent of a surprised gasp and the doctor robot grunted something unintelligible.

"Yes. Aurian was..." it still bothered Optimus to use the past tense with the human's name, "our human liaison."

"Liaison?" She almost growled. Why did that sound so...cold? Indifferent? 'Because it sounds like a tool,' she told herself. "Just your liaison? How did she get _killed_ being _just_ your liaison? I thought _liaisons_ were supposed to be protected! _Why didn't you protect her?_" By now, Sylvia was trembling and tears were pouring from her eyes. She couldn't keep the rage in anymore. She was done accepting and now she wanted answers. Real answers.

Optimus nodded. This was more what he had expected from the human that had been Aurian's femme creator. It was what he wanted, on some level, to hear from someone who had known and loved Aurian before they had shown up and absorbed her entire life into their world. "Aurian was dear to us..."

"I'm sure," Sylvia didn't want to hear the usual 'sorry for your loss' stuff she had gotten from the military, she wanted some honest answers. "So very dear that you let her die," she growled.

Proxy was so stunned by the outburst she couldn't bring herself to say or do anything against the accusations Sylvia was laying out. She wanted to tell her that it wasn't true, that Aurian had willingly sacrificed herself for them because she loved them, but she couldn't.

Guilt consumed Ratchet in such a deep pit of medical programming that he couldn't muster the guts to retort to the woman's accusations. He agreed with every word of it. They hadn't protected Aurian like they should have. They didn't do everything they could have. It was their fault the woman was gone and he couldn't make any excuse for it.

It was Sideswipe who finally spoke against the woman's words. His whole frame shook with rage and grief as he listened to her, and when he responded it was with a pained, grating voice. "We loved Aurian," he growled through the twisting of his spark. "She was more important to some of us than our own lives. We can never, _never_, forgive ourselves for not saving her when she went through so much to save us." He brought the woman up to his optic level, wanting to show her his sorrow, the pain inside him as he thought of his failure to protect his human sister. "We..._I_ am so sorry, Sylvia. Nothing we say or do will ever make it better, but..."

"Stop," the tears pouring down the woman's face were drenching her shirt. She hadn't cried like this for her daughter since the night she had been told she was dead. "Please, stop...I'm sorry." It wasn't easy, but she could see it in the three larger robots – what Sideswipe said was true. They really had loved her daughter and her death had hurt them. It didn't make it better, no, but she felt more comfortable with the pain inside her because she shared it with these...robots. 'How sad is this?'

"Sylvia, we understand that you are upset. You have every right to be."

"I..." with another heavy sigh, Sylvia turned her bloodshot and over-washed eyes to the large robot once more. "I'm just exhausted. This has all been...a lot."

"I will have someone show you to your temporary quarters. There is still much to be discussed; you should rest." Optimus prepared to call someone from the human sector to escort Sylvia to a room safe away from all the chaos of the day-to-day functions of the base.

"May I make one request?"

"You may." He might have been setting himself up to for denying the woman yet another thing, but he had to make the attempt for the sake of his spark.

"I want to stay with Proxy. She cared enough about me to come seek me out, and I came here with her, I'd like to stay with her."

Proxy perked up at the request, hope and fear filling her as she turned to Optimus for his answer.

"If this is acceptable to her?"

"Yes!" The femme answered almost before the Autobot leader could finish his question.

"Then I do not see any reason accommodations cannot be made." Optimus smiled, though deep in the back of his processor he sensed trouble was brewing.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; overload_

_ To say that I was surprised Optimus allowed Sylvia to remain with me would be to say the ocean was nothing more than a puddle. Maybe it was because of how I yelled at him before? I really can't say, but I am relieved that he did. I really wanted to get to know her better._

_ Unfortunately, I wasn't off the hook so easily; Ratchet still had me on his list and there was no getting out of it and I know Optimus had some words for me too, but one thing at a time._

_ Sideswipe was sweet enough to offer to see to Sylvia until I was done. He even made sure she had a bed and food. He really is a good mech... Wonder what Sunstreaker would say? I hadn't heard much from him since our little 'discussion' about my actions._

_ I was allowed a long enough reprieve to return Cascade and my youngest back to the nursery. I visited with the others for as long as I could before Optimus 'requested' my return to his office. Funny thing about requests from those who are used to being listened to – it's not really a 'request'. I considered being stubborn; I really wanted more time with my sparklings, but I'm sure I was pushing my limits as it was. Not that I know what Optimus would have done if I pushed him too far, however, I am sure I don't really want to find out._

_ My lecture from Optimus was curbed by Ratchet's insistence that I needed an all systems checkup. I would have much preferred to just let Optimus keep reprimanding me for my half-thought actions than let Ratchet poke around my systems again. Not that I didn't trust Ratchet, but I still felt horribly uncomfortable when he was being my medic instead of my friend._

_ When he told me I shouldn't have been able to take on a flight mode things got interesting._

_ Of course, I asked why and he told me, so the next question was how. His answer of 'I don't know' made me feel a little nervous. When Ratchet didn't know something, he tended to want to find out. That meant 'research'. That meant I was going to be poked and prodded. Like Pit I was going to go for that._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	132. Journal Entry 132

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; give it time_

_ I'm sure you can imagine things didn't go smoothly. Things rarely go smoothly._

_ When the others got back from their attempt of retrieving me, they weren't happy. I got the lecture of my life from Prowl who pointed out every ill-thought move I had made (including transporting an organic __life form in a space that wasn't intended for that purpose.__ Apparently, she could have suffocated because I hadn't considered proper ventilation.) And I thought Optimus had it out for me as far as overloading my audios..._

_ Everyone else was just annoyed, really. I'd apparently made them go out of their way for me and then just ran off again...I really should start thinking things through. I mean, I guess if I had just told them I was going back to the base and left Sylvia in their care, things could have gone a lot better..._

_ Will Lennox...poor Will. That man is going to an early grave, I'm sure of it._

_ He had the pleasure of debriefing Sylvia once he arrived. Granted, the woman had gotten to spend a few hours with me between Ratchet and Optimus herding me into their respective offices for 'talking', but that didn't begin to cover the vastness of what she had just been thrown into. By my hands. I really hated myself for that._

_ Anyway, Will had to deal with Sylvia – who apparently was a handful all her own – and had to deal with the paperwork on the government side of things. Especially the fact that I wasn't officially an Autobot (another thing I need to get taken care of) and wasn't officially under the contract that kept the others in order which made me a 'wild card' and apparently very dangerous. The government wasn't pleased, to say the least. Something along the lines of 'get it under control or get it off our planet' was said through the arguments._

_ Well, when I mess things up...I mess things up._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Proxy lay flat on her back, wings spread out wide on either side of her to keep them from being bent or damaged, with a tiny little blue-green mech curled on her chestplates. She ran one thin finger up and down the side of his frame, assuring herself that he was just fine. Yes, he was blind, but blind wasn't the end of the world. The little guy had managed pretty well so far, what said that being blind would keep him from doing great things? After all, all of the sparklings showed rather fascinating traits – there was no reason any of them would be anything less than amazing.

Ferropax sat against her side with Cascade, the two of them playing some game that only they understood. They were good together; Ferropax was quiet and observant and Cascade was soft spoken and caring. It seemed between the two of them they could keep all of their siblings under a sparkling sense of 'control'. It was rather amazing to watch – many of the other 'bots had noticed and pointed out the oddity of it and how impressed they were.

Stardust and Sirenrein were making their best attempts at learning to fly as they leaped from Proxy's slightly raised knee, much to the amusement of a pair of femmes that had been determined to be twins; a yellow-green colored femme with pale yellow optics that had a tendency to be a little more rough with her playmates than most of the others – including the flier femmes – that had been named Openrange, and a red-orange femme with yellow optics that liked to tempt the will of fate every chance she had, earning her designation Freefall without question.

The twin femmes were not the worst of the lot when it came to finding trouble, however. No, there had been another pair that likewise had been determined as twins that were the very epitome of trouble. Twin mechs; Ricochet and Rebound.

Ricochet simply did not stop. He loved to play games that led others into trouble. It seemed even the most innocent of actions on his part would come back and create unimaginable trouble for others. Rebound was just as bad, though his trouble usually came rolling in on the tail end of his twin's.

The only sparkling that seemed to be spared from the activity of his more troublesome siblings was a rather cunning yellow-orange colored mech with striking green optics that had been designated Jounce for his tendencies to test everything – it was Wheeljack's idea. Still, the little mech's caution spared him from the pranks and plots of his brothers and sisters.

Now, while many of the other sparklings took the games of their siblings in stride; there were two that simply refused to lay down and take it – a lovely pink femme with white optics dubbed Liquid for her fascination with fluid things – Ratchet even swore a few times that she had learned to mimic the substance – and a blue-toned mech with unbelievable purple optics named Nightshine. The pair were not a team to be tangled with to say the very least of them. While they couldn't always avoid the antics of their kin, they knew how to dole out as good as they got – sometimes even better, but never to anyone that did not incur their wrath.

The most recent sparkling to earn her name was a very buoyant little femme that had an almost obsessive fascination with music. Proxy firmly blamed Jazz for it; the mech had catered the little femme's interest and tended it like a sapling until it became a strong-rooted obsession. The mech had even bestowed the femme with her designation after a session that had nearly drowned out the base with the beats of music flooding the air. Splitbeat loved music. Every kind of music and she even found that she could make music with certain objects if allowed to play with them. If nothing else, the femme was sweet, though the time she spent with Jazz seemed to be wearing on her personality. Proxy wasn't entirely opposed to it; though she worried what kind of trouble the femme would be when she got older.

"That just leaves you, little one," Proxy vented softly, stroking the blue-green mech's side once more.

When the nursery doors slid open, Proxy didn't bother to look who was coming in. She knew who it was the instant the mech was close enough for her to sense clearly.

"Sunstreaker, what a coincidence."

The golden front-liner paused at the femme's voice, a pulse of caution drifting through their bond. "How's that?"

"Little one here hasn't been named, and he is the last one."

"So?"

"I told you, you have to name one of them. Sides did, so do you. It's only right."

Sunstreaker stood motionless for a while, almost as if he thought she would forget if he didn't move, then vented in defeat. "You're not going to give up on this, are you?"

"Nope."

Grumbling something quietly to himself, Sunstreaker came to kneel beside Proxy then grabbed up the little sparkling resting so complacently on her chest. He squeaked in alarm before swiveling his head to face the mech that dared disturb him and clicking angrily at him.

"What are you going to do?" Sunstreaker challenged, poking his finger in the little mech's face. "It's not like you know who you're scolding anyway..."

"Sunstreaker!" Proxy scolded.

"What? I'm just stating fac...OW!" The golden mech was hard pressed not to drop the little 'bot in his hand when he felt a sharp pain between his finger joints. "Little bugger, how'd you do that?" Sunstreaker examined his finger, finding a tiny little mark where the mech had wedged his tiny hand between his joints and pinched a sensitive wire.

"That's what you get for underestimating him," the femme admonished as she reclaimed her sparkling. "Just because he can't see with his optics doesn't mean he's blind."

"Yes it does," Sunstreaker laughed, forgetting the minor pain in his finger. "That's _exactly_ what it means, femme!" A glimmer struck the mech's optics as a thought came to him. "And that's what I'll call him."

"What? No! You can't just call him Blind! That's cruel."

"Not Blind; Blindside."

"Blindside?"

"Yeah, think about it; little guy's blind – but he's not completely helpless. Don't know how he does it, maybe it's just blind luck – no pun – but he doesn't act like a blind mech should act."

Proxy cuddled the little mech against her, who was still doing a rather good rendition of a disapproving glare directed at the golden front-liner. "Blindside?" She asked softly. "I...like that."

"Good, then I'm off the hook."

"Off the hook? Ha! Right." The femme vented and struggled to sit up.

Sunstreaker offered her a hand, helping her to get up without twisting her wings. "Why a flier?"

"Why not?"

"That's hardly a battle-fit mode."

"You want me to go into battle?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying..."

"Then why not an alt mode that ensures that I can get away quickly and quietly?"

The mech was stunned by the logic. "Good point."

"Anyway, I'm sure you didn't hunt me out just to chit-chat. What is it you want?"

"Maybe I just wanted to see you. Haven't really seen you since before you took off."

"Uh huh," the femme said disbelievingly. "And maybe Wheeljack doesn't blow things up anymore."

"Well, he hasn't for a while anyway."

"Sunny..."

"I..." the mech vented heavily. "Okay, fine. I just needed to talk to someone and I'm pretty sure you're the only one that stands a chance at understanding."

Suddenly any annoyance Proxy had felt vanished. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he grimaced, not liking the sudden panic he felt over their bond. Sideswipe was going to sense that for sure and come asking questions. "Okay, well, not 'nothing'..."

"Sunny, you're scaring me."

"No, it's nothing for you to glitch over...I probably shouldn't have even said anything. It's not a big deal."

"You came to me to talk...I'd say that's probably indication enough that this is a big deal." Proxy set Blindside down between Ferropax and Cascade so she could focus completely on the grown mech in front of her. She prodded their bond, searching for what had brought him here. "What's bothering you?"

"Sides," he said bluntly, a wave of frustration and – of all things – embarrassment flushing their bond. "When you took off...well, we both kind of freaked out but..." He vented, sagging back on his aft and making himself more comfortable. "He was afraid that you wouldn't come back."

"What? Why? Of course I'd come back, my sparklings are here..." though even as she spoke, Proxy sensed what Sunstreaker meant. Sideswipe had been terrified something would happen to her while he wasn't there to protect her, like what had happened to Aurian. "Sunny..."

"It doesn't matter what I say, he still blames himself for all of it. He..." the golden mech shook his head, deciding not to say what he was going to. "We fought, you know? About you."

"Why?"

"Because he thought you had every right to go after Sylvia."

"And you didn't."

"It's _her_ life..."

"Yeah..." Proxy vented with frustration. She kept telling herself the same thing; not that she could do anything about it now.

"But he said that she deserves the right to know you...that you deserve the right to have her in your life..." he shrugged. "Not that I think that's entirely wrong, but with the way things are it's really not the best situation. There's no backing out once she's in – it's all or nothing with us, you know that – but Sideswipe was set in his thoughts." Sunstreaker's voice faded off in something between a grumble and a groan.

"I don't get it. You guys fight all the time."

"No, not like that. We have disagreements, but we've never been so divided on anything."

Proxy wasn't sure what to say. She was both upset that Sunstreaker had been so opposed to her actions – not that so many others weren't, but Sunstreaker was her _brother_ – and sad for Sunstreaker's obvious distress.

"It's dumb, I know. He's my twin, it's not like we can ever just separate and go away."

"You're afraid he's going to...leave you?"

"No, I just said he can't."

"But you still think he wants to."

"No."

"Then what?"

"Nothing, never mind."

"No, Sunny, don't do this. Tell me, I'm here for you. You're _my_ brother too. Maybe we're not born of the same creators, but the powers that be saw to it that we were family. Don't just walk away; I'm not going anywhere, just like Sides won't."

"He loves you more than he does me," Sunstreaker snapped. "He loves you, Proxy, and if it ever came down to you or me...it's you."

"Sunny..."

"I don't know why it bothers me so much, but that's why I never came to see you when you got back. I didn't know if I could look at the femme that owned more of my brother's spark than I do." Sunstreaker got to his feet in a single smooth motion that Proxy was sure no living creature had the right to be able to do, and then started pacing.

The sparklings stayed clear of the large mech, sensing that something was amiss. They retreated to safer regions of the nursery, herded by their eldest brother and led by Cascade who was tugging Blindside behind her.

Sunstreaker paused when there was no response from Proxy. "Did you even know?"

"Sides...is my brother, like you, Sunny."

"No," the mech smiled, though it wasn't with any teasing or amusement. It was sad and envious. "No, not like me. You don't feel it? The difference between you and me? Between me and him? He _loves_ you."

"He loves you too!"

"Not like he loves you! You're my sister, I never question that anymore, but he does."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that he doesn't want you as a sister, Proxy." He glared down at the thunderstruck femme, daring her to continue arguing. "He wants more than that. Did you know that?"

"I..."

Sunstreaker laughed. "You didn't know. How is that even _possible_? How can you not know?"

"He never said anything..."

"Oh, he's _said_ plenty; you're just not listening." The mech turned away from Proxy, not wanting to see that look on her face any more. The femme was surprised, shocked, stunned – anything but what she should have been. She should have looked...happy, but she wasn't.

"Is this why you came here? To tell me this?"

"No," the front-liner vented. "I hadn't planned on saying anything about that. I just...wanted to talk to someone who might care that Sides and I had some bad energon between us."

"Of course I care, Sunny." Proxy decided to chance her luck and approached the semi-hostile mech and wrapped her arms around him. "I will always care, brother."

At first, Sunstreaker stiffened at the femme's touch, but that quickly melted away and he turned to reciprocate. They stayed that way for a while, the mech trying to let his spark settle while the femme formed a proper train of thought.

"Maybe," she whispered, "maybe I did know...but not how much," she admitted. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, just...treat him good, okay?"

"Ha!" She pulled away so she could glare up at the mech. "I'd live in fear every day of my life if I even thought about treating him badly."

"Damn right you would."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe came online with the distinct feeling he should have spent the time recharging in better places. Like keeping track of his brother.

There was an odd 'feeling' in their bond, and it reflected in Proxy's bond too. It was like bitter high-grade; it could have been nice, but it just might turn his tanks inside out, depending on how things went in the next few breems.

'Sunny, what have you done?'

'What you should have done a long time ago.'

There was a very long list Sideswipe could attribute to 'should have done a long time ago', but he suspected it wasn't something _on_ his list as much as it was something Sunstreaker thought _should _have been on his list. 'More specific please.'

'I gave the last sparkling his designation.'

'Oh!' The silver twin allowed himself to believe that was what his brother was talking about for the time being. 'What did the poor guy get tagged with?'

'Blindside.'

'Funny.'

'Hey, Proxy liked it.'

'You're serious?'

'Joking is your thing, not mine. Besides, it makes sense.' Sunstreaker shared the moment of discomfort from the little sparkling pinching sensitive wires in his finger. 'Oh, and I told Proxy how you really felt about her.'

Sideswipe jolted from the slight discomfort, but practically toppled over from the last bit of information his brother shared with him. 'You didn't.'

'What do you think?'

'I'm gonna slag you...'

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; what to say_

_ I really don't know. After what Sunstreaker told me, I just didn't know what to say to Sides, __though that really wasn't much of a problem, considering I seemed to never cross paths with the mech._

_ Still, I thought about it long and hard, and the thought of being mates rather than Primus-imposed siblings was very nice. That he would have me as more than just an adopted kid sister, that he would love me deeper and more completely than family? Yeah, it was nice._

_ Then again..._

_ I went to Ratchet about it – he was my medic after all, and if anyone would give me an honest answer, it would be him – and suddenly it didn't seem so nice anymore._

_ My first clue really should have been that painful look of pity on the blasted medic's face, but silly me, I asked 'what's wrong with that?' Oh, he told me. In great detail he told me._

_ Apparently, the ability of spark-split twins to even bond with anyone was highly questionable, and to add to that there were dangers of offlining one of the split-sparks which could possibly offline the other spark and the bonding spark all in one fell swoop. AND! If that wasn't scary enough, he had to point out to me that my spark wasn't exactly a whole spark either – just fragments all put together to make a spark – which infinitely increased the percentage of danger to an infinite number of other 'bots that I didn't even know about; IF bonding was even a possibility. Oh. Primus. Save me! I'm sorry the thought ever crossed my processor!_

_ Ratchet went on and on and on...I tuned him out after the part about lots of 'bots going offline, so I can't really say what else he pointed out, but I was pretty certain I now knew why Sideswipe was avoiding me. Poor mech didn't want all that slag on his hands. I don't blame him._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	133. Journal Entry 133

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; moving on with life_

_ I left Sideswipe to his general avoidance, though recharge cycles got a little rough with nightmares and whatnot, but it was what it was. I couldn't burden him with my problems; __it just didn't seem fair.__ I didn't actively avoid him, and I did try to be civil with him when he was near, but every time I saw him I couldn't help but to hear Ratchet's voice rambling off the numbers of possible deactivations because of one wishful attempt of spark-bonding. I had to occupy myself with something more productive and less depressing._

_ So I took the Cybertronian Liaison position alongside Sam. I was officially put on the books as an Autobot representative and fully under Optimus's command (poor mech...now he was officially responsible for my glitches), and began working with the different Earth governments to repair the damage the Decepticons had created with the whole Egypt fiasco. It also put Sam and I in a prime position to seek out and contain any other humans that remembered what was being labeled as the 'Event' and either recruit or contain them, however it needed to be done. Thankfully, a lot of people were easily convinced that it was so unbelievable that it had to be just a dream. Those that weren't convinced fell into two very distinct groups; 'Oh my God there really are aliens and they're robots and hell yes I want to be a part of this whole amazing movement where do I sign', and 'they're going to kill us all, aren't they?'. Group two tended to be a little more difficult to persuade __not to start a war between humans and Cybertronians for the simple fact that they thought that's why we were here.__ Apparently, the phrase 'we come in peace' doesn't sit well with paranoid people. Go figure._

_ Sylvia, bless that woman, took up a civilian role__ on the base creating some kind of 'good Samaritan' program between the humans and the Cybertronians that even Sam and I couldn't seem to manage working through the governments. It was like...P.T.A. for N.E.S.T. Freaky._

_ Anyway, she was a sweetheart and we spent a lot of off cycles talking. We talked about the sparklings: __the differences between human children and Cybertronian offspring.__ The uniqueness of these sparklings – though I refrained from telling her the specifics of their creation, just that they weren't traditionally __created__ sparklings – and how interesting it was that all this came together here on Earth. She liked to talk about Aurian...a lot. Things were getting a little awkward._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Prowl sat patiently at his desk, sorting through a mixed media of file work while being stared down by a rather persistent femme. He wasn't entirely sure what she wanted; she hadn't said a thing to him when she came into his office/quarters aside from a vague greeting and an assurance that she was 'just looking for a place to hang out'. The chances that she had done something and that someone was searching for her to reprimand her were high, so Prowl astutely decided he was better left out. Still, she wasn't leaving and she wasn't saying anything.

"Is there something you wanted to talk about?"

"No."

"Then why are you staring at me?"

"Because I'm trying to figure out how you came from Barricade. He would have kicked me out at least an hour ago, but you just keep ignoring me."

"I've become accustomed to ignoring you."

"Hey!" Proxy rocked back in her chair, a look of mock hurt on her face. "That's harsh."

"The truth often is." The mech knew well that Proxy's banter had nothing to do with the real reason she was here. The femme was probably his closest friend on the base, the only one who openly referred to his pre-reformatting designation without cowering for fear of hurting his feelings or bringing up bad memories. He knew there was something bothering her she didn't want to talk about, but needed to.

Setting down the datapad he had been attempting to convert all the mixed media to, Prowl focused on the femme sitting across from him. "You're not recharging well."

"Too much on my processor."

Prowl nodded. "I've been following your progress through the worldwide negotiations. Mr. Witwicky and yourself make a rather formidable team, though I can imagine the stress of those proceedings can be heavy."

"It's not those. Well, I mean...I guess they might be part of it, but it's really not that."

"Is it the sparklings then? You have been taking on most of the caretaker responsibilities with them; perhaps you're taxing yourself too much?"

"No," the femme growled. Others had also suggested that she let someone else take on some of the caretaker responsibilities of the sparklings, but she simply refused. They were hers and she was going to be sure they were cared for properly. "It's not them either. I'd quit my job before I'd let someone else care for them for me."

"It isn't _for _you, Proxy. Caring for one sparkling by oneself isn't easy..."  
"Just keep on moving with your processing, buddy. It's not the sparklings."

"Then maybe you should tell me?"

Proxy vented, sagging forward to rest her elbows on Prowl's desk and slung her head between them. "It's those fragging...dreams."

"Aurian's memory files?"

"Yeah, those. They're...terrifying. I onlined this morning screaming because I thought Ratchet was cutting my spark out – only it wasn't my spark, it was a heart – and there was blood and energon everywhere...it took me almost three breems to realize none of it was real. Or, I guess that it wasn't happening now."

"You've dealt with them before."

"Yeah, but...they're getting worse. I'm having a hard time telling the difference between online and recharge; even Ruby hasn't been able to help me. She was just as deluded as I was this morning; it was all just so real!" The femme rolled her head one way and then the other, seeking some kind of relief from the strain building behind her optics. "I feel like I'll never recharge again."

"Have you talked to Ratchet?"

"No! And I'm never talking to that scary fragger again!" Proxy shuddered, hearing the numbers in her processor again.

"Is...that what's triggering the memories? Did you and Ratchet have a fight?"

"No, we didn't fight. I just asked him about something I wish I hadn't ever brought up ever in my entire life." She shook her head slightly. "Don't ask; I don't want to share."

"Well, then what is? If it isn't your duties, and it isn't your sparklings, and it isn't Ratchet, what do you think is the problem?"

"Promise not to laugh at me?"

"When was the last time I laughed at you?"

Proxy thought for a while. "Do you even know how to laugh anymore?" She teased playfully, but was brought back on track by the mech's serious expression. "It's...the twins."

"Your bond with them?"

"Not exactly." Sitting up all the way again, Proxy switched her focus back to her hands. "See, I used to recharge with one or the other of them. It was almost always Sides, and when I recharged with him the nightmares stayed away. When Sunny was with me, they came, but they went away easily when he reassured me through our bond...but lately..." she vented, deciding that if she couldn't talk to Prowl then she couldn't talk to anyone. "Sideswipe has been...busy and Sunstreaker's been a little standoffish..."

Prowl knew better. He knew how close the twins were to Proxy and knew very well that if she was struggling with recharge, they would be there in a sparkbeat, unless there was some tension between the three of them. Deciding that something would have to be done, Prowl accepted the challenge to research this new problem and filed it to the back of his processor for later review. For now, there was something slightly more pressing to attend to. "You need someone to recharge with?"

"I know that sounds so dumb, like I'm some immature little sparkling..."

"Proxy," the mech stood, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "All you have to do is ask." He pulled her to her feet and directed her to where his small berth sat tucked away behind a moderate excuse for a privacy wall. "Lie down, recharge. I will be right here if you need me."

"Prowl..."

"I don't have anywhere to go for several joors, it's not any inconvenience."

"I still can't believe you recharge in your office," the femme teased as she made herself comfortable. The berth was small – one moved from one of the cells and not meant for more than one frame to occupy – but it was enough for Proxy to sprawl out on.

"It's efficient and keeps me 'out of everyone's hair' as some have described it."

"It's weird," she mumbled even as recharge grabbed hold of her.

Prowl stood for a few breems watching over the femme; he could see the exhaustion in her frame even as she rested, and for a brief moment wondered if he shouldn't contact Ratchet to come check on her. 'She would dismantle me,' he thought to himself as he returned to his work. 'As long as she recharges, everything will be fine.'

For a time, it seemed that the femme would recharge just fine, but several breems later Prowl heard something he though might have been a whimper. That had been his only warning.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe felt the familiar panic of Proxy going into yet another nightmare. She had been having them a lot lately, but she also seemed to be pulling out of them on her own. She didn't need him, did she? Still, his spark ached. Why was he avoiding her anyway? Just because Ratchet read him the riot act over possibly spark-bonding? Was that fair?

"What are you doing?" Sunstreaker asked as he came up beside his brother.

"What do you mean? I'm getting ready to go out on patrol."

Sunstreaker glared at his brother, a little dumbfounded at his response. "I know you feel her, Sides."

"She's having a nightmare."

"And you're going out on patrol?"

"Yes."

"Why don't you go to her? You know she recharges better when you're around."

"Why don't you go?" Sideswipe started walking away, fully intent on going on his patrol. "You can help her too."

Again, Sunstreaker was thrown by his brother's reaction. "And they call me the selfish one..." He really didn't understand what had happened. Sure, Sideswipe hadn't been all that pleased when he shared what he had talked to Proxy about, but he hadn't been this...standoffish either. He'd been nervous, hopeful even, but now he was acting like he couldn't stand to be in her presence. "She needs you and you're just going to walk away? Just like that?"

"She doesn't need me, she can handle it."

Sunstreaker growled, grabbing his twin and all but throwing him to the ground. "You're full of slag if you think I'm going to buy that scrap! What the Pit is wrong with you?"

"Nothing is _wrong_ with me!" Sideswipe snarled back, slamming a fist into his brother's chest, pent up frustrations finding an outlet. "Nothing is _wrong_ with me!" He yelled again, his other fist following the first.

Normally, Sunstreaker would have lost it. His twin was attacking him and it wasn't for fun – normally a situation that would dredge up his battle programming faster than a plasma cannon pointed in his direction – but this time was different. He felt Sideswipe's frustration, his pain. There was definitely something wrong.

"Don't walk away from her," Sunstreaker pushed.

Sideswipe let go, completely throwing himself into his frustrations, unleashing them on his twin. Sunstreaker allowed a few more hits before he returned the strikes blow for blow until the two were scrambling in the dirt trying to beat the other into complete submission.

Neither knew just how long this went on, or that others had shown up until they were being yanked apart. Ironhide had a firm grip on Sunstreaker, while Optimus did his best to contain Sideswipe. Both twins were venting hard, energon leaking from small cracks in their armor, but neither was ready to let the fight end there.

"You're such a slagging _idiot_!" Sideswipe yelled. "You just don't _get_ it!"

Sunstreaker struggled against Ironhide's grip, finding that Bluestreak had joined the weapons specialist to keep the golden front-liner contained. "_I_ don't get it because _you_ won't tell me! _Glitching piece of slag!_"

"What is all of this about?" Optimus tried to keep his voice calm, but it was difficult when Sideswipe didn't seem to care that it was his superior reining him in. The mech kicked and struggled as if his life might well depend on it.

The twins went on, completely ignoring the others around them.

"We're _split-sparks_, what the Pit do you think would happen?" Sideswipe raged, slamming his elbow into the 'wall' behind him. "What have they always _told us_ would happen, you bit-processor? Did you _ever _listen?"

"Primus, Sides! It's not like being there for her is going to kill me!"

Everyone else froze at the words, their processors putting together what this argument was about pretty quickly now. Most of them had heard that Proxy had gone to Ratchet asking about spark-bonding, but none of them realized that there might have been any serious side effects to the lecture she had gotten from it.

Sideswipe finally pulled away from Optimus, but he did not charge his brother as he would have only a few kliks before. "I can't..." he choked on his words, but Sunstreaker got it anyway; 'I can't stand to be that close to her and know I can never be with her.' "I'm going on patrol," he growled, stomping away from the crowd, still not quite registering the number of 'bots their little brawl had roused.

"Sure," Sunstreaker grumbled, pulling himself free from Ironhide's firm grasp. "Run. That's the answer." The other twin vented heavily and turned toward the brig. Proxy was still struggling with her nightmare and_ somebody_ had to help her. "Selfish slagger," he continued to mumble the entire distance.

The gathered 'bots stood in silence for a breem before anyone broke the sunned state of being they had fallen into.

"Did Sunstreaker just call Sideswipe...selfish?" Bluestreak asked with awe.

"The Pit must have a new ice feature," Seaspray added, mildly amused. "Stranger things could happen."

"I am more concerned for the topic of their disagreement," Optimus pointed out, studying the two mechs as they continued away from them.

Ironhide scoffed, his optics fixed on the retreating golden twin. Something about the way Sunstreaker had responded to his twin's obvious strife bothered the older mech. "The fact that Sideswipe is avoiding Proxy, or that the idea of a spark-bond is causing so much trouble?"

"Both," Optimus vented. "I believe I will go speak with Ratchet myself on this matter."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sunstreaker entered the brig already knowing things weren't quite right. First off, why was Proxy recharging here? Second, the dead silence was a little unnerving.

"Prowl?" He growled. He didn't care what Proxy said, he still didn't like the mech. Still, the silence was unnerving. "Prowl?" He called again as he stormed down the hall.

His pace slowed when no answer came. Approaching the office that had been dual purposed for the mech living there, Sunstreaker noted that a data pad lay just outside the open door.

With great caution he slid up against the wall and peaked around the entrance, not entirely sure what to expect, but still feeling that Proxy was here and she was in turmoil. "Proxy?" He called out hopefully. "It's me, Sunstreaker...you're safe."

There was a soft whimper from within, driving the front-liner to respond instantly. Fully expecting to find Proxy huddled in some corner, cowering from her nightmares, he instead found Prowl laid out with several cables torn from non-vital areas. He was somewhere between conscious and stasis and was whimpering softly as his mouth attempted to form words that his vocalizer simply could not produce.

"Slag," Sunstreaker griped as he rushed to the downed mech. "Prowl, how bad is it?"

The mech's optics sluggishly shifted to focus on Sunstreaker, but it was clear that they were struggling. He raised one hand, pointing shakily toward another door – the one designed to give the mechs recharging area some privacy – before a last burst of static escaped him and his systems went into stasis to prevent further damage.

::Ratchet, get to Prowl's quarters. Looks like Proxy glitched and Prowl paid for it.::

::How bad is it?:: The medic responded urgently.

::Looks like he's in temporary stasis. Not much energon spilled though, think it's all minor damage.::

::And Proxy?::

::Haven't found her yet, but she's here somewhere. I don't think she's hurt, I don't feel anything but the nightmares.::

::I'm on my way.::

Knowing that the CMO would arrive soon enough, Sunstreaker turned his attention to locating the wild femme. He could sense her spark, her fear and something else – anger, betrayal, hurt, and distrust – all rolled into one as it pulsed frantically over their bond. She was begging for someone to save her, to help her, but she was afraid at the same time. Whatever nightmares were plaguing her this time were holding her processor tight. Sunstreaker couldn't even reach her through their bond like he usually could.

'Proxy,' he pleaded over the bond, 'I'm here, I'll keep you safe. Where are you? What's happening?'

'DON'T TOUCH ME!' The response was so loud over the bond; Sunstreaker thought his processor might explode from the thundering ring of its aftershock. He stumbled slightly under the weight of the fear and aggression unleashed across the bond.

Flashes of what she was seeing – what she was reliving – were assaulting the mech over their bond and it quickly became clear to Sunstreaker that this nightmare was more than just an overactive memory file. She was reliving Aurian's torture on the Decepticon ship. The pain of Scalpel poking around inside her, harvesting the engineered sparklings from inside her body, ripping parts of her away without care.

He felt his tanks churn violently at the gore; at the feeling of having innards torn out and the pure violence he felt rising within him wasn't helping to settle the need to purge. Still he pushed himself past it, past the door separating office from berth room, and inside he saw the femme clutching at her abdomen desperately as if she thought she could hold herself together. Energon lay spilled around her, obviously she had purged several times.

"Proxy," he ground out around all the emotions assaulting him.

"Stop!" She begged. "Please, stop!" There was a grinding noise as her tanks made the effort of purging again, but there was nothing left to push out.

"Proxy, it's me, Sunstreaker. It's all a dream, just a dream." He crept closer to her, waiting to see if she would lash out at him like she had Prowl.

There was a moment of familiarity over their bond as her unfocused, slowly shifting optics rose to meet his. "Where were you?" She asked in a ragged voice. "Where was he? Why...why was I alone?"

"You weren't alone," Sunstreaker crossed the remaining distance quickly, taking the femme into his arms. "You were never alone," his own voice came out in a harsh growl, though inside he was nothing but shame and regret. 'Sideswipe, get your aft here _now_.' He felt his twin respond without hesitation. Sideswipe might have been a little hardheaded at times, and stubborn as the Pit on certain topics, but when Sunstreaker called him like that – with so much need and desperation – he could never refuse.

It wasn't long after Sunstreaker had lulled the femme into some state of semi-aware recharge that Ratchet arrived. The golden twin could hear the medic curse under his voice at the savagery wrought upon Prowl but didn't say anything until he called out to him.

"I'm here," he responded as quietly as he could and still be heard. "I have Proxy. She's still a little glitchy."

Ratchet peeked through the door to see the condition of the femme, alarm crossing his faceplates at the amount of energon spilled around her.

"She purged a few times," Sunstreaker explained, never once loosening his grip around the femme. "She's still trapped somewhere between awake and nightmares."

"Bad?"

"Very," Sunstreaker swallowed hard against his own continued desire to purge at the images he received without warning over their bond. "Experiments," was the only detail he offered, not really wanting to go any further into it. All he wanted at this moment was to find the cursed little scientist that was to blame for all of this damage and stomp him into complete oblivion, and then blast the ground he had crushed the little beast into until there was nothing but dust, and then set the dust on fire...and there was more but at that point he thought it might be a little overkill.

Ratchet returned to Prowl, doing minor repairs to get the mech back online so he could be moved to the med bay. "Take her to the med bay as soon as you think she's stable."

"I really don't think that's a good idea, Ratchet. She's not going to respond well to that place."

The medic paused to consider this. On a good day, Proxy didn't respond well to the med bay, of course she would be a little more edgy now fresh from nightmares about the torture she had suffered through as Aurian. "Take her somewhere safe and secluded. I'll come to her when she's a little more aware."

Sunstreaker started to scoop the femme up, but the second he started moving she started screaming. The sound was painful to all audios within range, causing Sunstreaker to release her to protect his from the sharp piercing dissonance. Once released, the femme scrambled for a corner, optics wide and wild.

"Don't touch me!" She sobbed painfully. "I can't take any more!"

"Proxy," Sunstreaker coached softly, "it's just me. I'm taking you somewhere safe."

"Nowhere is safe," she groaned miserably. "Let me be...let me die..."

Alarm shot through Sunstreaker at her plea. "No," he growled firmly, rushing back to take the femme in his arms. "Not again."

Ratchet listened, a pain striking his spark at the femme's words. He knew she was just reliving Aurian's misery, but to hear it – to actually know what Aurian had been thinking and feeling the last moments of her life – it was too much.

When Sideswipe finally arrived, it was in a flurry of pure, unthinking panic. He passed through the office with little concern for the mech sprawled across the floor, or the medic trying to put him back together again. He didn't even register his brother, only that there was something blocking him from Proxy and that it had to move.

Sunstreaker almost struck out at his brother when he was shoved aside, but once he focused on the silver mech with the pale femme held tightly in his arms, his anger toward him dissipated. His vengeance for the slight could wait until later.

As he watched, Sunstreaker could almost see the relief flood the femme as she latched onto his twin, and a measure of tension melted from Sideswipe as well.

"I'm here," he assured her. "I'm here, I'm sorry."

"Don't leave me!" Proxy begged, pulling her arms tighter around the mech's neck.

"Never. Never again, I swear." He lifted her from the floor, cradling her tight to his chest as he moved.

Ratchet only glanced up as the mech passed by, guilt lashing at his spark even deeper than the pain before. If there was something he could do, if they could be together, then maybe Proxy could find some peace with all of this. Maybe he could give _someone_ some peace after all of this.

Sunstreaker followed his brother back to the office, but chose not to go any further. After all the time his siblings spent avoiding each other, he decided that this was one time he would not intrude upon. If they needed him, he would know.

Venting heavily, he turned his focus to where Ratchet was still putting wires back together on Prowl. "What can I do to help you?"

Ratchet paused at the request, having never expected to hear such words from the mech that had spoken them, he was sure he had heard wrong. "You want to help?"

"I might as well do something. I don't have to like him to help, do I?"

"No," Ratchet shook off his momentary stun. "Help me get him on his feet. He should be coming back around here shortly and I need to get him to the med bay to check his systems and make final repairs. Lucky for him, whatever she did wasn't serious."

"I'm sure she didn't intend to offline him," Sunstreaker pointed out. "She was just scared."

"Yeah, Pit of a defense mechanism. We are going to have to do something about her recharging if this is going to happen every time."

"Not every time," Sunstreaker assured him as he hefted part of Prowl's dead weight to drag the mech back to his feet. "Only when Sides isn't there to stop it."

Ratchet vented, supporting the rest of Prowl's weight on his own shoulders. "Somehow that's not very comforting."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Joors had passed since the incident in Prowl's office. Ratchet had reported that the mech was back up and functioning just fine and asked about the femme that had caused the problem. Sideswipe had assured him that she was fine and just needed some time to recover; promising to escort her to the med bay once she was functional again.

Proxy still lay curled on his berth, pressed against his side, and Sideswipe wondered how he could have ever thought he was able to do without her presence beside him. His spark felt eased from so much, his frame even felt less tense – though he didn't recall when it had become like one locked up mechanism – and he loved to look at her while she recharged. So what if they couldn't be bond-mates. They could still be together as much as they were able to be. After all, Proxy would likely never want to entertain loving anyone else with the weight of so many sparks laying in danger of her bonding, and he most certainly didn't want to be with anyone else, so they could be alone together. That was okay, wasn't it? It was better than not having her around at all, wasn't it?

The femme vented softly against his chest and his engines revved quietly with pleasure. He loved having her close like this and felt foolish for trying to avoid her to keep his own selfish spark's desires at bay. She had suffered for it, and so had he. Sunstreaker had been right to call him out on it.

"Sides?" Proxy's groggy voice wavered slightly as she called out to him.

"I'm here," he promised, pulling her just a little closer.

"I don't like it when you're gone," she mumbled, still only half-online.

"I don't like it either."

"Don't do it again."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

She vented again and returned to recharge easily. Sideswipe could feel the orns of exhaustion claiming her – she hadn't had a single off cycle of decent recharge in far too long – and settled in for a long orn of just lying with her. Nothing sounded better to him at that moment, and he doubted anything ever would.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; making do_

_ When I finally came back online, it had apparently been a full orn since I had laid down on Prowl's berth, I didn't really remember everything that happened. When they told me I had attacked Prowl while in the thralls of another nightmare, I felt fully ashamed of myself. Prowl was only trying to help and I hurt him._

_ Prowl, however, continued on as if nothing had happened. He told me that he did not hold me accountable for my actions and so therefore whatever had happened was to be put aside as 'experience to learn from'. I still felt pretty crappy about it, but he refused to let me avoid him. We worked pretty closely together a lot and he deemed that work was as good a reason as any to hunt me down when I felt like sulking wherever I could find to hide. How did he always know where I was? That mech really was a Prowler! __J__eez!_

_ Things between me and Sides were shaky. We spent recharge cycles together, and we tried to spend time together other places, but it turned out that outside of recharge, the only place we really felt comfortable together was when we were with the sparklings. When we were with them, spark-bonding never crossed our processors – or the dangers that could result of it – and everything just felt right._

_ The sparklings grew quickly and their need for space did, too. Soon, the nursery was just too small for all of them, and everyone was trying to come up with a new plan to house the quickly growing little ones._

_ I had an answer to that._

_ Build a house._

_ What? If there were going to be that many little 'bots running around base, they might as well be housed in a proper building, right? Besides, if there was an actual _house_ to live in with the sparklings...maybe Sides and I could pretend things were normal a little more often than just during short visits._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	134. Journal Entry 134

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; construction_

_ Okay, so the house idea went over like fresh tar in the desert sun; but eventually I got my wish. It was a massive construction, but surprisingly enough, every 'bot on base helped with it. Most of them said it was to ensure that the sparklings stay out of their circuits (Ironhide) but overall, it was a sense of normalcy for the new generation that everyone wanted to provide them. Just because they were born of some science experiment; grew unlike any other Cybertronian ever had; were being raised on an alien planet – on the tail end of a war, no less – didn't mean that the little ones had to grow up in a barracks like the rest of the 'bots lived in. Not when there was space and enough calm to provide them the luxury of a home._

_ The house itself consisted of two underground floors – the bottom most one being the 'play area' and the uppermost one being the one with most of the sparklings' rooms – and two upper floors – the ground level mostly serving as a reception area for visitors, with a well-equipped office, a conference area, a few guest quarters, a decent-sized wash rack, and dispensary. The upper level had Sideswipe's and my room (we opted to share instead of building two separate rooms since we always recharged together __now,__ anyway), Sunstreaker's room – because it just didn't seem right not to have the grouchy mech close by – though he usually opted to utilize their old room instead, and the fliers__'__ rooms. Turns out even as sparklings, fliers didn't handle being underground very well. It was beautiful by all standards; containing both Cybertronian and human architecture that blended together in ways that made it all look like it had been made to go together. It was home._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sylvia looked over the main floor with a little awe; no matter how many times she saw it, she would never cease to be amazed by the _art_ that had gone into constructing this building.

She was currently waiting for Proxy, they had some 'good Samaritan' things to discuss and she wanted to catch the femme before she headed out on her most recent liaison mission.

"Sylvia!" The femme greeted as she came trotting down the stairs, a much less chipper looking Sideswipe trailing her. "Good to see you. What brings you by so early?"

"Those projects I mentioned to you last week."

"Oh, right! It's been that long already? Wow, how time flies."

"It sure does. You have a few minutes?"

Proxy looked over her shoulder to the mech trudging behind her. "Yes, I'll take care of the kids, you take care of that," he waved a hand towards Sylvia.

"That?" The woman scoffed somewhat indignantly. "Since when did _I_ become a _that_?"

"Oh, don't take it personally. He didn't recharge well last night."

"Oh really? Why not?"

Proxy grimaced at the question. "I guess Stardust and Sirenrein tried to go for a late night flight while I was out. He was up most of the night chasing them down."

"Oh no!" The woman laughed, though she felt for the mech's suffering. "It's a pain with spirited young girls."

"Yeah," the mech grouched as he started down the stairs to rouse the rest of the sparklings.

The previously mentioned femmes came leaping down the stairs, their elder brother in tow.

"Let me get these three their energon and then we can talk."

"Sure, no problem." Sylvia turned to the conference area to wait for the femme. She marveled at how amazingly the construction of even such a simple thing had been done. It suited both Cybertronian and human needs perfectly without making either party feel out of place while talking with the any other. It was both comfortable and functional and provided a rather astonishing view of the base, if there was one to be had anyway.

It was a while before Proxy came to join her, but Sylvia didn't feel put out by the wait. She actually found it comforting to know that the Cybertronians would put their children before business; it made them feel more human to her.

"Okay, so these projects?"

"Yeah, I thought since we've been doing reconstruction all over the place, we might as well do some neighborhood improvements as well." Sylvia dug in her bag to produce some papers and drafts of things she had in mind. "Parks and libraries and the like in needy neighborhoods."

"That sounds pretty harmless," the femme agreed, shuffling through the plans as she listened.

Sylvia carried on, giving some names and particular thoughts about certain areas she felt were in the direst need at the moment, but Proxy found herself not listening anymore.

The femme had come across one set of plans that had her full and undivided attention; a memorial park to be constructed in the area of a lab that had been destroyed near where Sylvia had lived that was to be called Aurian-Fae Memorial.

"Why this?" Proxy asked, fingering the paper across the table to Sylvia.

"Well, I think it should be obvious," the woman protested automatically. "She gave her life for what we're working towards, it only seems right."

"Of course. I don't mean any offense," Proxy apologized quickly. "I was just wondering, why here? That area is more of an industrial zone, isn't it a little awkward for a park?"

"It's an industrial park, not really a playground or anything. I thought maybe it could host some memorial walls to all the fallen soldiers...and...others."

"Oh." Proxy looked over the plans again, her spark twisting slightly inside her to see the want and faded grief on the woman's face. "That sounds like a fantastic idea."

"Maybe we could even erect a structure in honor of all the fallen Cybertronians? I mean, it's not like people are the only ones that died in all this."

"Very true. I will discuss it with Optimus at our next meeting."

Sylvia nodded, tracing her finger across the title of the park once before moving on determinedly. "These others are pretty much on a priority 'as needed' basis. Parks, educational centers, youth sectors to keep kids off the streets and out of trouble, things like that."

"Yes, it all looks great!" Proxy agreed, scooping the papers back into a single pile. "I will present them to Optimus and the human board."

"Thank you, Proxy. You're really a sweetheart, you know that?"

Proxy smiled at the compliment, though she still felt guilt in her spark. "I do try to live up to my predecessor."

Sylvia nodded, knowing Proxy was referring to her late daughter. "You do her proud, I can promise you that."

With that, the woman switched topics, and the two spent a few hours chatting about nothing important at all and just enjoying each other's company for a while.

When Sideswipe slumped against the doorframe, Proxy realized that it was quickly coming time to depart and said her good-byes to the human femme before trying to convince the mech to go back and recharge some more.

"You're leaving," the silver twin protested.

"Not for a while yet. You could use the recharge."

"No," he shook his head stubbornly. "You're leaving. I'm not wasting any time recharging when I could be spending it with you."

"How sweet," the femme snarked. "You're practically offline on your feet, Sides. Go recharge. I've got a little work to do before I go anyway."

"Then come do it in our room, at least I can be near you."

"Sides, the sparklings..."

"Sunny will watch them."

"Sunny's on patrol."

"Then get Jazz."

"He's on a mission with Ironhide and Arcee."

"Bluestreak."

"Communications."

"Prowl."

"Wow, you're desperate."

Sideswipe shrugged. "You're always goin' out on these slaggin' missions, or I'm busy with patrols or missions, you can't blame me for wanting a few extra breems if I can get them."

The femme practically beamed. "Well, when you put it that way...how can I say no?" She pinged Prowl with the request, to which he responded an affirmative and an estimated arrival time. "Come on, let's go."

As they passed through the sparklings, Proxy glanced at Ferropax – who likewise looked back at her – and nodded slightly. The sparkling nodded back and returned to his important discussion with Splitbeat who was so engrossed in her own brand of entertainment she hardly noticed her brother's seeming scolding.

Proxy had every intention of working until she had to leave, but once they reached their berthroom, Sideswipe dragged her in before she could have a chance to gather anything to work on.

"Sides!" She complained insincerely.

The mech ignored the complaint and lifted the femme onto their berth where he settled himself happily using her as his pillow. "Just for a bit," he promised even as he cycled air through his tired system.

"Sides, I really have to do some work before I leave..."

"Mmhmm," the mech agreed, though made no effort of moving.

"Sides."

No response.

"Sideswipe."

Still no response.

The femme vented, resigning herself to staying where she was and accomplishing absolutely nothing until she absolutely had to depart. She registered Prowl pinging his arrival, and sent him a quick thanks for watching after the sparklings before settling into her current situation. It wasn't often that Sideswipe recharged while she was online, so the opportunity to look over the mech in such a vulnerable state of being was all too alluring.

When Sideswipe recharged, he almost looked peaceful. If it weren't for the slight tension in his optic ridge, or the pensive way his fingers curled around her frame, or the stiffness in his shoulders as he lay over her, Proxy might have forgotten that he was a warrior.

She ran her fingers gently over his face, soothing away the stress there before allowing her hands to roam to his shoulders to ease away the tension there. She reveled in the feel of his armor – almost perfect to the optic, but under her sensitive fingers, she could feel the scars of eons of battle – it was warm and soothing to her to touch despite the flaws.

For a while, she thought she could be happy just like this for the rest of her life. Still, time ticked by and all too soon came the moment she had to go. Not wanting to disturb the mech so soundly recharging, Proxy pressed her head gently to his before wriggling free of his protective, needy, embrace.

Trooping back downstairs, the femme couldn't help but lament that she had to leave. It seemed that Sideswipe and herself had finally found an area of comfort where they could be happy without considering further developments in their relationship, and she liked it. Well, she liked it enough that remembering all the horrible things that could happen if they tried to bond any deeper than they were was enough to make her happy with their current level of comfort.

"Off for your meeting?" Prowl asked as he spotted the pale femme.

"Yes. Thank you for coming over; Sideswipe really needed more recharge and he was being stubborn."

"It was of no inconvenience to me. I assumed I would be here most of the orn anyway; last reported Sideswipe was due for another mission on the mainland."

"Yeah," Proxy vented. They were still searching for missing Decepticons across the world – and hoping to find some missing Autobots while they were at it – but so far had proven rather fruitless in the search. "You know where the office is."

"Of course."

"Also, Stardust and Sirenrein are attempting to take unsupervised flights," she glared at the two femmes, who only beamed back at their femme caretaker with pride. "Keep an extra close optic on those two."

"You should disable their flight programming until they can be properly supervised," Prowl stated rather factually.

The result was two small femmes screeching horribly at him and running for the safety of their rooms upstairs.

"You know I could never do that to them, Prowl. Besides, Ratchet doesn't even know if it's possible."

"Only one way to find out."

"No, Prowl. My sparklings won't be mutilated for your convenience."

"Its not mutilation," the mech grumbled, but did not push any further. "You better get going or you will be late. I will see you when you return."

"Thanks again Prowler." The nickname roused a long frustrated venting from the mech – much to Proxy's amusement – and the femme waved as she left her home.

Sam and Bumblebee were already waiting for her on the plane when she arrived, neither looking too perturbed by how close she had cut the time.

"Hi, Proxy!" Sam greeted brightly, waving from his seat where he started to strap himself in for take off. "Ready for this?"

"As ready as I ever am, I guess. I'll bet you a night of sparkling-sitting that it'll end in another standstill."

"Too rich for my blood, femme," the human shook his head, laughing. "I don't think these guys will ever come to terms; but it's our job to try and get them to."

"Maybe if they met a 'Con up close, it might sway them to be a little more cooperative, you think?"

At this, Bumblebee chirped with alarm, shaking his head and waving his hands dramatically in front of him.

"You're right, 'Bee," Sam laughed, "they'd probably blame that on us too."

Proxy vented and plopped into a sitting position. "Sometimes, I really wonder why we do this at all."

"Because someday someone has to give and we might as well be there to witness it."

Bumblebee twittered in agreement.

"When is Ratchet going to get your vocalizer working again, youngling?" She leaned closer to the young 'bot as if she could see the progress the CMO had been making with his torn throat. "I'd have thought by now he would have it pretty well working."

"To some degree," Bumblebee spoke, though it was scratchy and seemed painful, "but it will take some time." He made a grinding sound that was something close to coughing.

"Okay, okay! Don't overdo it, baby-bot."

Bumblebee's door wings raised and he twittered loudly at the nickname.

"Sorry," the femme apologized, though she wasn't really sorry. She enjoyed teasing the youngling – even though by all technicalities, he was older than she was.

Sam simply laughed at the exchange, accustomed to the minor teasing between the femme and his guardian.

The three settled into easy conversation as the plane rumbled to life and took off. They were so used to this trip by now that they hardly noticed the time it took to fly from Diego Garcia to the designated meeting place: still offshore to comply with all the different representatives that would be attending. These particular people had been rather adamant about no one being on their 'home ground' for the negotiations – and also required that every travel near the same distance; which put them pretty well in the middle of the ocean on some unknown island that happened to have a usable structure for the meetings.

Truth be told, both Sam and Proxy would much rather have told these particular people to go jump off a cliff and never work with them again; but for 'the good of all' – as Optimus had put it – they continued to hear the ridiculous babble of these people that refused to relent on anything.

They were so accustomed to this flight that neither of the 'bots bothered to routinely scan the skies around them for any trouble – after all, there had never been any before – and so none of them realized anything was off until the plane jerked hard to one side; one engine screaming its last efforts to keep the beast aloft before exploding into shrapnel sending the plane into a spiraling decent.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Prowl knew something was wrong from the second Sideswipe's feet hit the floor above him. Even more to the point, from the second every sparkling in the room ceased moving and all stared off in a single direction like drones responding to a call. Soft questioning chirps echoing from all of them.

When Sideswipe flew down the stairs, hardly touching a one of them, Prowl found it easy to conclude that something had happened to Proxy. "Any communication?" He asked, though the question fell on deaf audios. Sideswipe was out of the house and pelting across the base before he ever registered he was even out of his berth.

Prowl was left to watch after the mech in mild astonishment, though it only lasted a few kliks before he was bombarded by sparklings seeking comfort. Whatever had happened had them all feeling rather unsettled and Prowl was the only elder 'bot around to turn to.

At first, Sideswipe hadn't been entirely sure where he was going, but as he ran, a short plan scrounged up within his processor. He had to find Optimus and get off the island. That was first thing. What happened next...well, he wasn't sure, but that wasn't his concern. Someone else could think of the details.

When he burst into the central hub, he found the entire room bursting with motion; everyone on hand was rushing about, orders were being shouted, numbers flew from one end to the other. Something had happened, but Sideswipe didn't care, he had priorities and whatever had these guys so riled could wait.

"Where's Optimus?" He shouted, a dangerous growl to his voice.

Ironhide was the one to register the silver twin and moved immediately to stop him from causing any harm. "Sideswipe, come with me."

"No! I have to find Optimus!"

"He already knows," the larger mech assured. "The liaison plane went down a few minutes ago. We're trying to get communications out now. Can you reach Proxy?"

The mech had been reaching out to the femme from the second he sensed her alarm, but at the moment, he was getting nothing in return. It wasn't like she was gone, just that she wasn't active. There were no thoughts, no feelings, just emptiness.

"No," he growled back at the weapons specialist. "What happened?"

"Not sure yet," though the look the large mech gave to those that were listening in around him suggested otherwise. "Let us know if you can get a hold of her, until then stay in your quarters. There's nothing you can do right now."

"Slag I can't! Get one of those fraggin' planes going and I'll _find_ them!"

"Sides," Jazz stepped in, seeing that the situation was going to degrade into a war of words and possibly worse if someone didn't get the younger mech under control soon. Ironhide was already rather put out that Bumblebee had been on the plane and wasn't responding to comms – all he needed was another charged up mech to push him a little further and the guns wouldn't be far behind. "We don't know what took down th' first plane, we can't exactly send another one out not knowin' what's out there."

"That's not good enough, Jazz! My life doesn't matter, let me go after her!"

"Maybe yours doesn't," Ironhide growled, "but those that have to fly your aft out there do! Use your fragging bit-sized processor, would you?"

Sideswipe trembled with the rage that was quickly building inside him. He didn't like not knowing where Proxy was _again_, but what was worse was this time it wasn't of her own doing. Something had actually happened and the femme was likely in trouble, real trouble, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Desperately, he reached out to her over their bond, but got the same sense back. Just...emptiness. He felt Sunstreaker reaching out to him, seeking answers, but he had nothing to give his brother other than 'something happened'.

'When's the last time you piloted something?' Sunstreaker asked darkly.

'What are you thinking?'

'Plenty of planes just sitting around...'

Sideswipe didn't even have to think twice about it. With a dismissive snarl, he turned from the central hub and stormed off.

"This...isn't going to end well..." Bluestreak pointed out from where he stood near the communication center.

"What's the worst he can do?" Ironhide grumbled, turning his attention back to the currently slacking 'bot. "Get back to work! Get a hold of one of them!"

"Careful what ya' say 'Hide," Jazz warned as he tracked the silver front-liner's progress away from them. "Those two have surprised us before. They'll do it again."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; the moment after_

_ I remember the plane jerking to the side. I remember a loud sound that rocked my entire processor. I remember clinging to anything I could grab hold of because the world felt like it had completely vanished around me. I remember Sam...he was quiet. Terrifyingly quiet. I remember Bumblebee trying to grab hold of the silent human. Then there was movement, and sound, and panic, and a rush of ice-__cold__ water soaking my systems, and then nothingness._

_ What the Pit just happened?_

_ Rebooting was difficult. Some things simply _did not_ want to respond and it kept throwing off the sequence. Just as I would think I had a grasp on reality, it slipped away again and the sequence would start all over again. What was going on?_

_ I inquired to Ruby as __I__ dredged through another reboot sequence that was quickly failing._

_ Core functions locked in induced stasis._

_ Well...that didn't sound good, now did it?_

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	135. Journal Entry 135

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; core functions_

_ Okay, so, to cover most bases; core functions were my ability to transform, my ability to speak, motor functions, anything that basically let me _function_ rationally._

_ Oddly enough, the things that weren't included in the 'core functions' were audio and visual. I could hear and see...Primus, how I wished I couldn't._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I don't care what you say, the spark reading isn't right – there's no way this thing is a 'bot." The mech currently leaning over the small TACAIR plane they had recovered from the crash argued. "It's probably some human technology fluke."

"Well, then why are you just standing there?" Another, much more familiar and dreadful voice commanded. "Cut it open and get to the cargo inside." The order was given so offhandedly, Proxy was pretty sure that the mech that had given it really didn't care if she was alive or not. It didn't bother him either way.

"NO!" Proxy's spark nearly halted at the young scout's voice. He must have been outside of her visual rage because she hadn't known he was there until he spoke.

"Why not?" The familiar voice asked in a rather amused tone. "Tell me, little scout, what is so precious about this scrap of human technology that you care?"

Bumblebee twittered nervously, obviously not wanting to reveal Proxy for who she was and possibly submit her to further torture; but he also didn't want to see the femme mangled carelessly.

Silence came over the holding area as the familiar mech waited for a proper response from the yellow Autobot in his presence. When none was forthcoming, he simply reissued his command and turned to leave.

"Vait!" Proxy's spark felt as though it dropped into her tanks at that voice, and her circuits crawled at the rhythmic tapping on the floor that brought a small 'bot she would never forget – even if she attempted to erase him from her memories – closer to her.

'Ruby,' she pleaded, 'do something! Please, do something!'

Core functions still locked in stasis; restoration will take time.

'Oh, but we don't have time...'

The little scientist crawled up one of Proxy's wings; her support struts had not been deployed and so she lay prone on the floor with her wing tips touching the cool surface.

"Zis is not just _human_ technology...it is _Cybertronian_..."

"But the spark signature isn't viable," the first mech pointed out again.

"It is not _normal_, but it _is_ a spark!" Scalpel did a little dance on top of the prone plane, digging his little clawed feet into the metal for a better purchase. "It is alive! I vant it for testing!"

Proxy wanted so badly to scream, to run, to do anything, but she was trapped silent and motionless to listen and feel. 'Please, Ruby, please!'

"You can't!" Bumblebee shouted, his vocalizer cracking at the effort, but he didn't care. Healing mechanism be slagged. He wasn't going to just stand here and not protest; he couldn't.

Proxy could hear the young mech struggling against whoever was holding him back, but was obviously losing the battle if the sound of crunching metal and the squeal of pain was anything to go by.

Core functions rebooting, Ruby informed her host urgently.

Desperate for anything, Proxy reached for everything at once; what she ended up with was a sloppy transformation and a scream that left everyone in the holding area reeling. She scrabbled to her feet and turned to find Bumblebee; what she hadn't noticed was the fleshy form that dropped from her small cargo hold when she transformed.

"Sam!" Bumblebee called unsteadily as he pulled free from the mech holding him, only to have one heavy foot slammed into his back and pinning him before he could regain his feet.

Proxy turned back for the human, pure alarm burning through her systems at the sight of the young man lying at an awkward angle on the floor. Scalpel, and the familiar mech – Starscream – were both rushing for the human. The femme leaped over him, blocking Starscream's attempts at snatching up the man, but left her open to his frustrated strikes, and slapped at Scalpel, trying to crush the little scientist – or at the very least knock him away from the prone human.

"Sam," she called fearfully.

The man beneath her coughed raggedly and rolled to his hands and knees. "What he Hell..." he was greeted by the odd optics of Scalpel, and the screaming began as he lashed out at the little 'bot with his hands, then rolled onto his back to kick more effectively at the scientist. "Get away you creepy little crab!" He shouted at the 'bot as he scrambled beneath Proxy.

Bumblebee thrashed to be released from the weight on his back, managing to roll enough to unbalance the much larger mech slightly. It was all he needed to slip free and go after Starscream. If he could get him off Proxy, she could keep Scalpel away from Sam and hopefully escape.

With complete abandon, the scout leaped on the seeker, grabbing the mech's wings savagely and doing the worst he could to them; rendering the mech near paralyzed with pain.

"Get Sam and go!" He commanded in a voice that was far stronger than he thought it should have been. "Get out of here!"

"No!" Proxy returned with fire. "I won't leave you here!"

"Proxy! Sam is my priority! Get him out of here, please!"

"No!" The femme protested again as she gained her feet, finally able to kick at the little scientist still scrambling beneath her.

"Should'a listened, femme," a deep rumbling voice laughed as she felt herself grabbed between two large hands. The mech was large; not quite as tall as Optimus, but definitely as wide – if not double that – and had strength on his side. He lifted Proxy from the floor and slowly put more pressure between his hands until she was screaming with the crushing pain. "Surrender, Autobot, or I crush your femme."

Bumblebee growled in anger and frustration but released his grip on Starscream, only to find himself once more restrained, this time by the mech that had first inspected Proxy. "Now you'll just offline tired."

"No," Starscream snarled. "That one has to pay..." He stormed over to where Sam stood.

Unsure of what to do with both the 'bots captured and not knowing where he was, the man was left mostly helpless and disoriented. His head was pounding and his body ached everywhere; his legs trembled just trying to support his own weight.

"And you, boy..." Starscream leered, snatching up his long sought target. "You have a reunion to get to. Won't _Lord_ Megatron be pleased to see you?" The way the seeker spoke the Decepticon leader's name spoke every bit of his bitterness to the mech's continued survival.

"What do you want me to do with this one?" The large mech asked, jerking the femme around slightly as indication of who he was talking about.

"I don't care! Let Scalpel have her, she's of no significance to me." Starscream paused after he spoke and turned to take better stock of the femme. Her soft features, the lightweight armor, her strangely shifting optics. "You're not a warrior, are you? What are you doing with this human if you can't fight, femme?"

"That's none of your business, Screamer," she choked out around the panic and pain.

Scalpel, not caring what else went on around him, made his way up the frame of the large mech until he reached the femme in his hands. He scrabbled around to her front, hanging from her shoulder like a bad shawl and tapped at her chest plates experimentally. "Mine," he demanded as he dug his claws into the seams of the soft armor.

Proxy struggled, but couldn't free herself from the grip of the larger mech to stop Scalpel from pulling back her armor to expose her sparkcase.

Unable to stay idle while her host was being damaged, Ruby released from her housing and leaped on the little crab-'bot. She slapped at him with razor claws, but she had no other weapons to speak of. Still, Scalpel's only defense was his own blade-like legs so the two were pretty on par so long as no others got involved.

Unfortunately for Ruby, Starscream wasn't about to let his best scientist be offlined by a symbiote. The seeker grabbed the little cat-'bot by one of the protrusions from her head and lifted her off the now battered scientist. "What are you? A non-warrior class femme with a symbiote? This is getting more interesting by the moment." Looking over his current captives, Starscream weighed his options. "Get this one offline and take it and the femme to the labs." He tossed the little cat-'bot to the mech currently restraining Proxy.

His grip got tighter and shifted from two hands to one so that he could catch the flailing symbiote. He all but crushed them both as he did so.

"The scout goes to the brig, and the human," he lifted Sam with mild fascination and a healthy amount of disgust, "goes to Megatron."

Everyone departed to deliver their charges as ordered; Bumblebee making one last attempt at freeing himself as Starscream passed with Sam, but the mech holding him had been prepared and struck the yellow scout hard enough to take him to his knees.

Proxy's anxiety shot through any form of sense as she was carted like luggage down the dark halls toward the labs. She screamed and struggled as much as she could, but the mech carrying her had long sense shut down his audios and barely even noticed her struggling. Had he been a less sturdy built 'bot, or had his grip been a little less firm, the wild femme would have set herself free and likely attempted to tear into the mech treating her this way; but as it was, there was nothing she could do to help herself or anyone else.

The mech slammed her down onto one of the tables and activated the restraints; magnets strong enough to make parts of the femme's insides shift closer to her spine. "You just stay put while I take care of this," he shook his hand that still held Ruby within and laughed at the tortured look the femme gave him.

Proxy pleaded with the mech not to hurt the little cat-'bot, but her words went unheard.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"Please, please, please tell me you're making this up." Will begged with deep exasperation.

"I wish I were," Optimus almost grumbled.

If Will had to say, he would claim that something had gotten under the large mech's normally calm front and had all but set everything on fire inside him. The mech was impatient and snappish – well, as snappish as the Autobot leader could ever be, which was still put to shame by Ironhide on a good day – and it seemed that every new thing just stoked that irritable fire slowly building it into a devastating inferno.

"At what point did this happen that _nobody_ saw them taking a cargo plane?"

Optimus vented heavily. "That is a very good question," the Autobot leader agreed. "I am afraid that everyone was a little preoccupied with the crash."

Scrubbing at his face and then running his hands through his hair several times, Will struggled to bring his own raising temper under control. "Right," he sighed. Everyone, human and Cybertronian alike, had been so wrapped up in trying to get some kind of contact with the missing personnel that had been on the plane, that two mechs hijacking a cargo plane went practically unnoticed until it was too late to stop them. "I don't suppose they said anything about where they were headed?"

"No, however all of the N.E.S.T. planes are traced, just in case they go down."

"We are tracking them?"

"Perceptor is working on their trajectory currently and attempting to predict their likely destination."

"So they know where they're going?"

"Likely they are following their bond with Proxy."

"Wait...what?"

Optimus shuttered his optics and vented once more. "I believe that there is more about Proxy that you should be enlightened on. Previously, it was kept silent on the femme's request since it was causing no harm to anyone; however now is as good a time as any for you to know.

"She shares a sibling bond with the pair, much the same way Aurian had."

"I'm going to assume that's not an everyday thing, even for you guys."

"No, it is not. To share a sibling bond, a 'bot has to be created by the same creators."

"And they weren't."

"No."

"Proxy did say she wasn't like the rest of you."

"That is very much true – Proxy's creation is...unheard of in our species. Humans have the best term to describe it; reincarnation."

Will studied the mech before him as he let that set into his mind. Proxy was reincarnated? While that sounded odd, he guessed that anything was possible when your life force was a ball of light kept inside a mechanical body. "Okay, so...if I understand right, you think she was someone who lived before."

"That is correct, except that it is not an assumption, Proxy had existed previously."

"Right. Then who was she?" Will almost felt bad for his teasing tone. It wasn't that he didn't believe in reincarnation – he couldn't disprove it anyway – but it just seemed so incredible that Optimus would be talking to him about it in reference to the femme that was so very odd compared to the bulk of the Cybertronian population that he knew of that he couldn't help but laugh a little inside at the thought.

Optimus vented, partially from the tone the man before him was using, partially from the fact that he wasn't completely sure that it was his right to share the information he was sharing. "Aurian," he said simply.

Will sat, ungracefully, into the chair he had previously been pacing in front of. He stared at the mech before him with complete disbelief, blinked, and resumed the stare.

"No one fully understands how this occurred; however, the being that had once been Aurian has been given new life within Proxy," Optimus began to explain. "My best guess is to say that it was some mix of the will of the Primes and the remaining power of the Allspark that had somehow come to reside within Aurian."

The major held up his hand to stop the Autobot leader. "No," he shook his head as if to clear away the impossibility. "How do you know that's Aurian?"

"She _was_ Aurian," Optimus emphasized the past tense. "She is now Proxy, I implore of you to keep that much clear, for her sake if not for any other reason. Proxy sustains the same bond between Sideswipe and Sunstreaker as Aurian had. When it appeared that Sideswipe had malfunctioned and insisted that Aurian was on the base; he sought out that connection and found it was Proxy that he was bonded to."

"That explains why those guys are always on the femme's tail when she's causing trouble. But it still doesn't prove that she was Aurian."

"She harbors all of Aurian's memories."

This set Will back a bit. His mind spun through all of the things that Aurian had shared with him – from her own family life to the things she knew about the Cybertronians that no human had any right to know – and he laughed. At first, it was with complete disbelief, but as he thought about it, he felt himself coming to terms; believing it. "Everything?"

"Yes; though at times she has trouble processing the memories. We still do not know the mechanics of it, but Ruby has been assisting her in sorting through them and preventing her processor from overloading and destroying itself from within."

"That's why she get's all glitchy when they're separated for too long?"

"That is a contributing factor, yes. The symbiote also helps other systems within Proxy's frame to keep her spark and frame connected at all times. Due to her unusual creation, her spark does not always maintain connection as it should and her spark sometimes attempts to reject the disconnected systems. It is the most prominent cause of her glitches and the greatest concern during their separation."

Parts of Will felt so overwhelmed by what he was trying to comprehend, yet others felt completely comfortable with it – like it was just _right._ "So...she remembers everything Aurian went through?"

"Yes."

That hurt Will, right through the heart. "No wonder she's so weird." The man sighed again, wondering just how one handled memories like that and still managed to continue through the day. Sure, the femme had been odd – troublesome at times – but now it seemed to al make sense. "That's why she went for Sylvia."

"Yes, I am afraid so."

"Why didn't she just tell us?" He felt a little put out that something like this had gone so long kept under wraps. Why wouldn't Aurian want everyone to know that she wasn't really dead? That she had somehow, miraculously, been given a second life?

"She was afraid that everyone would treat her as Aurian instead of Proxy. Her concern was for those that grieved Aurian's passing – that once they started to realize she was no longer the Aurian we all knew, they would grieve again – so attempted to keep that truth to herself. Few Autobots know of this truth either. It was her wish and we have respected it."

"Until now."

"Until now," the mech agreed, somewhat shamefully.

"I...I'm glad to know." In truth, he wasn't sure if he _was_ glad to know that Aurian had been granted a second life in the form of Proxy, or if he pitied the poor femme for having so much baggage laid upon her. "Wait; that means that Proxy isn't any more than a few months old."

"This is true in physical presence only."

"Okay," Will rubbed at the back of his neck, trying to ease some of the tension, "I'm not even going to try and pretend to understand what that's supposed to mean. I guess the next thing is; what are we going to do to find her, Sam, and Bee? They're out there, somewhere."

"Sideswipe is likely to follow their bond directly to Proxy's location. If we are lucky, he and his brother will find everyone together and intact."

"Why is it I think you don't think that will be the case?"

For the first time since the beginning of this meeting, Will saw something other than a struggling attempt to keep a calm facade and a fire smoldering beneath. He saw fear, panic, _pain_.

"Call it...a gut feeling."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe sat stiffly against the wall separating the cargo area from the cockpit. It had been a hasty job of wiring and substandard patchwork, but between his twin and himself, they had managed to hardwire himself to the plane's autopilot mechanisms. The systems were rudimentary at best, but as long as they were staying within the atmosphere and he didn't have to do anything complicated, controlling the machine was rather simple.

"How are you holding up?" Sunstreaker asked. It wasn't that he couldn't feel the tension in his brother at having to work through such limited systems, or the panic that was welling inside his spark, but he knew he had to keep his twin focused or they were likely to crash before ever reaching Proxy or the others.

They had both felt the femme's panic; no, it was worse than panic, it had been complete and total terror. They had heard unintelligible screams that sounded like pleas. Wherever Proxy was, whatever was happening to her, they knew they had to stop it. Even now, they felt sickening waves of dizzying fear and grief. Reaching out to her had proven next to useless; it only stirred the femme's emotions and waylaid them with them with icy walls of incoherence.

"How do you _think_ I'm holding up?" Sideswipe growled viciously. "We're getting closer...get ready to jump."

"Jump? Seriously?"

"System can't land. Your choices are jump or take the chance that I crash this fragging piece of slag right into the ground."

Sunstreaker tipped his head back as if he could hold his frustration in with the simple motion. "Of course," he vented.

"Setting the Autopilot. We're close enough to the ground we won't break a strut landing. Going as slow as we can without this thing just falling out of the sky."

Setting his frame firmly with his resolve, Sunstreaker nodded. "Right. Let's go get our sister."

Sideswipe smiled, nothing even approaching amusement bringing the smirk to his face. No, it was a dark expression, one that dared anyone to get in his way, dared fate itself to try and stop them. "Let's go get her," he agreed, a hunger for battle in his voice.

In unison, both front-liners turned for the back hatch, which was already slowly opening to allow them access to the world beyond. Without another word, the twins leaped from the plane and landed with a grace that could only be acquired from vorns of practice and experience.

'Proxy,' Sideswipe called out, 'we're coming.'

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; blinded by sound_

_ Noise. Everywhere there was noise! It was in my head, in my audios, in my spark, I could _feel_ it in my frame. It came from everywhere and I couldn't take it!_

_ 'Please!' I begged, I demanded, I whimpered. 'Please make it stop!'_

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: All thirteen sparklings have names. Some of them may be less than stellar; forgive? Again I thank anasazidarkmoon for helping me out!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	136. Journal Entry 136

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; drugs_

_ Drugs are wonderful. Especially when you feel like your spark is about to shatter into a million pieces and they make you just not care. Funny that I don't ever remember Scalpel using drugs before, but right now I'm not too concerned with what he did before or really with what he was doing now. Well, okay, that's not entirely true; I was concerned, but I just didn't care._

_ Maybe I should have cared._

_ I probably should have cared._

_ But with my processor running on slow motion? Nah, didn't care one glitching scrap of slag._

_ At least...I really hope it's drugs. What else could make me feel so...disconnected like this?_

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bumblebee paced frantically in his cell. He had expected someone to come, either to demand information or just to torture him, but no one had. He was alone; the brig was silent aside from his nervous footsteps. Apparently, none of the Decepticons had pushed the limits of their superiors recently; or their superiors simply didn't want to waste the labor power by tossing them in the brig. At any rate, he was the only living being within the long hall of the brig, which left him to his thoughts as a personal torture. Maybe that was their goal: let him torture himself.

Sam. How could he just let them take Sam like that? Why didn't he try harder? 'Because they were going to offline Proxy,' he told himself mournfully. He really had no choice. Still...now, he didn't know what was happening to either the femme or his charge. They could both be offline now and he would have no clue. 'I should have tried harder,' he grumbled silently. He was always falling short when it really mattered, it seemed.

He could change that, he was sure, if he could just get out of this place and find both the femme and his human charge.

Inspecting his cell again, the scout searched for any flaw that might fall in his favor; unfortunately, it was very obvious that this entire base had been newly constructed and structural flaws were highly unlikely.

At least he now knew why the 'Con's had been scarce; they'd gone underground and built a base while they were at it. Though he did have to wonder how a faction with so many flight-oriented warriors was handling being underground.

Twittering with his frustration, he began pacing again. What was he going to do? He had to get to Sam, and quick; assuming the human wasn't already dead. As the thought crossed his processor again, Bumblebee groaned in despair. The Decepticons had it out for Sam from the second they had known the boy existed; and he hadn't made things better by offlining Megatron, or by bringing Optimus back from the Well of Allsparks and leading to the destruction of the Sun Harvester. Pit, at every turn Sam had marked himself a bigger target for the vengeful faction.

"What's the matter, little bug?" A rather annoyingly pitched voice asked, disturbing the silence.

Bumblebee spun around to see that he was no longer alone. Starscream had come for him finally and was smiling pompously from the other side of the energy field that kept him in.

"Are you worried for your friends?" The seeker mocked. "Well, you don't have to be. They're in _good hands_." The look on his face assured that Bumblebee most definitely _should_ be worried for the others.

"What did you do to them?" He demanded angrily, vocalizer full of angry static.

Starscream just laughed at his captive's reaction. "You should be more worried about what I am going to do to you, Autobot."

"I don't care; just tell me what happened to them!"

The Decepticon second in command studied the yellow 'bot for a moment, as if he were actually considering his request. "Well," he drawled, "I suppose it couldn't hurt." Starscream locked his arms behind his back and started pacing. "That creature that poses as a Cybertronian femme is being taken apart as we speak. Scalpel was very interested in its spark, a very unusual thing indeed. As for your little human pet, well...I wouldn't expect to see him functioning again."

Rage filled the scout and he lashed out at the electrical barrier between the seeker and himself. Energy snapped across his plating, but he didn't care, he wanted revenge for his comrades, for his friends.

Starscream only laughed at the young mech's pointless efforts. "If you didn't want to know," he teased, "you shouldn't have asked."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Several people and 'bots stood in the central hub staring at the screen as though it might just be telling the worst joke imaginable. The words 'CONTACT LOST' blinking brightly across it.

"It..." Rob started, breaking the horrible silence that had held the central hub for the past minute.

"Yeah," Will agreed, his voice sounding worn and broken.

"That makes two planes," Rob continued.

Will just nodded this time.

"Four pilots, two liaisons, and three Autobots are missing," Prowl added. "Perceptor, did you figure their most probable destination before the plane went down."

"Well, I did run many different variations through the systems, and I came out with several possible answers. However, taking into account that it was the twins that were flying, the range of variables increases astronomically."

"Perceptor," Ironhide growled, "get to the point!"

The smaller mech vented with annoyance at being interrupted. "My _point_ is; Sunstreaker and Sideswipe likely abandoned the plane before it crashed. The most probable destination is in a small set of islands, here." He brought up an image of a cluster of small, uninhabited islands. "I have narrowed it down to one of two islands, depending on at which point they ejected. The craft dropped to an acceptable altitude for an experienced mech to make the jump at this point," he highlighted the path of the cargo plane at a point that was well over one of the two islands. "However, if they took any prep time after the plane reached that altitude, then they would not have abandoned the plane until this point," he highlighted another point over the second island shortly before the plane had crashed.

"So," Will tried to make sense of what the scientist was saying, "either they jumped without preparing to, or they jumped as the plane was crashing?"

Perceptor nodded, pleased that at least one being in the room was listening. "Precisely."

Ironhide shook his head at the conversation. Perceptor never was easy to follow, but if somebody got it than it was fine by him. "Any contact with them?"

"Not yet." Bluestreak answered. "They're not rejecting calls, they're just not answering."

"Keep trying." The weapons specialist looked over the communications hub; it wasn't like the old days – in the beginning of the war – when they had a full team of 'bots manning every station, but he had to admit that with the humans filling in the gaping holes in their ranks, it felt like they were strong again. "Perceptor, keep trying to get a lock on them."

"Of course, Sir." The mech made a show of going through the motions. "However, I must point out that if they are attempting to keep us from finding them, they won't be found."

"Perceptor!" Ironhide roared. "Find them!"

The scientist grumbled something about under-appreciation before squeaking a soft, 'oh', as his screens lit up with activity. "There they are."

"I got contact!" Bluestreak announced.

"Let's hear it!" Jazz ordered, finally pulling away from the console he had been practically attached to since the twins had hijacked the second cargo plane.

"...located, get your afts in gear!" Came the tail end of Sideswipe's transmission. "It's underground, isolated, we're goin' in."

"Sideswipe, wait! We've got your coordinates and can get there shortly."

"Can't wait, 'Hide. No time." The urgency in the front-liner's tone made it perfectly clear what he meant. "You know where to send the clean-up crew. I'm out; Sunny's already knockin' on their front door."

The clear sound of the link being dropped echoed through the central hub like an awkward silence.

"Bit-processed scraps of slag," Ironhide rumbled, a few more unflattering curses following under his breath.

Will felt his heart beat a little harder as he thought about what those two were going through at this moment – what Proxy was going through. The femme was in Decepticon hands again. He could only imagine what thoughts were going through the front-liners' heads. After seeing how Sideswipe had lost it with Aurian's death, the man was honestly surprised the mech had sounded so...normal. Will felt a rush of fear that the femme might be killed; that Aurian could die again at the hands of the Decepticons.

"Let's move!" He shouted, deciding that standing around wasn't going to get anything done. "Get everyone moving; we've got a base to uproot and some 'Cons to kick out!"

The base exploded in a flurry they hadn't seen since they had come to Diego Garcia. Every 'bot on base was making ready to ship out, every soldier preparing to take on whatever army the Decepticons had gathered. No one wanted to be left out of this run; however, they were down two planes.

When all was said and done the remaining two aircrafts were loaded with three Autobots each; Ironhide, Ratchet, and Mirage on one; Optimus, Bluestreak, and Jazz on the other; and a total of sixty soldiers.

The sparklings' care was placed in the hands of Prowl and First Aid. Everyone else manned the base and prepared for the return of the outgoing teams. Various other airborne vehicles were prepped as back up to be called in if things got out of hand, their pilots waiting tensely for any orders to be issued.

Most of the Autobots traveled in their alt mode to save space on the crafts, though even in this form, Jazz could see something was off with their leader. The mech appeared distracted in a way Jazz couldn't really recall seeing, not when they were headed into a fight anyway.

::Hey, Boss, what's goin' on?:: He asked over a private line, hoping that the mech might open up to him a little. Optimus tended to talk to him on occasion about things that bothered him and Jazz had never turned down the opportunity to be on the receiving end of their leader's need for an understanding audio.

::Now is not the time for discussion.:: The larger mech responded stiffly, though it didn't feel like he was pushing Jazz away, just that now really was not the time.

::Right, but yer lookin' pretty out of it. Ya gonna be okay?::

::I promise to keep my processor on what is important, Jazz.:: He was truly appreciative of his currently displaced second in command, and it showed in his tone. ::Thank you for your concern.::

::Sure.::

All was quiet for a bit, but Jazz simply couldn't let this one go. Not when they were headed into battle. ::Yer worried.::

::I think that should be obvious.::

::Yeah, but, yer not worried like th' others. Ah mean, we're all thinkin' th' worst fer everyone, but ya seem uh little beyond that. Ya afraid fer someone.::

Optimus vented, his spark simply needing some outlet and Jazz's pressing wasn't making it any easier to ignore. ::You are correct. I am afraid, but it is not simply for one of our captured comrades; all of them are in grave danger and will likely draw special attention from our enemies. Sam for obvious reasons, Proxy due to her unusual spark – I fear what they have done to her – and for Bumblebee. He has already crossed Megatron and come out barely functioning...::

::Yer right,:: the saboteur agreed dispiritedly. ::Ah can see why ya look more concerned than some of us...ya've thought it all out. We could be too late already.::

::We will simply have to count on Megatron's wish to prolong his vengeance...::

Both mechs thought on that for a good long while. Would it be a kinder fate to wish that the ex-Lord Protector would be quick about doling out his vicious anger; or to hope that he take his time so that they might rescue their comrades? What would they find when they did? They could only wait and see.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Fighting.

They knew fighting.

Sunstreaker lead the way into the Decepticon base, guns blazing and energon blade ready to go, Sideswipe hot on his heels with both blades working fast and efficiently. The brothers were a wall of death as they poured through the halls of the freshly built base, trusting their sparks to take them where they needed to go. Their processors had long sense stopped feeding them anything but battle information – energy levels, weapon integrity, munitions availability – but even that went to the wayside in favor of the fight.

The battle would have been far less fair had the Decepticons anticipated the Autobots finding their base so quickly – though when the majority of the crew on base found out that it was the notorious twins that had found them, it was difficult to get them to face their attackers in such an enclosed space. Still, there were enough takers to slow the front-liners' progress through the base. Enough to draw on their energy. Enough to cause damages.

Sunstreaker was completely lost to his berserker mode; he did not register his wounds or depleting energy levels. He would continue until he fell, or until there was no one else to slaughter.

Sideswipe fed on his brother's single-mindedness, using his sheer lust for the battle to drive him past the point of knowing pain, or fear, or anything that wasn't hunt and destroy. The only thing that kept him on task was the pulse in his spark that told him he was losing time.

He pushed, and drove his brother in the right direction; the pair knowing at their very core that separation meant deactivation. Their progress was marked by the energon spilled and their gory tracks pointing out their path deeper into the base.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sam trembled despite his facade of courage. He had thought he had been scared completely empty of the ability to be scared, but now, looking at Megatron – even in his damaged state; or perhaps because of it – he was undeniably scared.

"What do you want?" He challenged the large Decepticon with far more bravery than he felt.

"Oh, you _know_ what I want, boy." Megatron leered at the young man before him, standing tall to dwarf the insignificant pest.

Sam was pretty sure he knew what the large mech wanted, but what he couldn't figure out was why he was taking so long to get to it. Why talk? "Vengeance."

"While that is something I crave; I want you to pay for what you've done even more than my own personal vendetta. You have done my species great harm, human, and that is unforgivable. You will live long enough to regret what you've done."

Sam felt his heart hammering inside him and was sure that it was about to pound right out of his chest, but his brain still rushed to find some explanation to Megatron's accusation. "What are you talking about? I haven't done anything!"

"On the contrary; you've doomed my kind to extinction. You've destroyed the Allspark, and with it, any hope of revitalizing our planet or our populace."

It wasn't the first time Sam had considered this very thought. When Optimus had told him the history of the Allspark, the man couldn't believe that they had just stood by and allowed him to destroy it, even if it was to save the world. "S-since when do you care? You're the one who laid waste to your own women and children!"

"A kindness to all, I assure you," the large mech rumbled. "Just as I couldn't allow those weak little half-organic sparks to survive; they would have just suffered and died. Barricade understood that, he was a good soldier. Shame he wasted his own spark."

A wave of doubt washed through Sam. According to the stories, the science team had told them all upon their arrival; Barricade had destroyed the sparklings to keep them from Megatron's cruelty. Later, even Proxy had claimed that it was at her own request that he do so. Could it have been he was operating under Megatron's command that whole time? What did that mean about Prowl? Then again, Megatron didn't seem to know that Barricade had reformatted, or he was being clever in making Sam believe that he thought the mech to be dead.

He shook the uncomfortable thought from his mind; there were far more important things to focus on right now – like trying to stay alive. "That doesn't make any sense! You killed them all to be _kind_?"

"Think of it, if you can human; the planet was dying, resources becoming scarce. They would have perished eventually. Instead of allowing them to slowly rot to deactivation from lack of sustenance and safe quarters in which to live, I spared them a quick destruction."

"T-that's..." Sam couldn't silence the tiny part of his brain that was laughing hysterically at the seeming impossibility of what he had heard. Nor could he stop the large part of him that screamed at that part of his brain that he was a horrible person for finding any amusement in it at all. "That shouldn't have been your choice to make!"

"Any more than it was your choice to doom my species to extinction by destroying the Allspark?"

"I did that to save Earth! To stop you!"

"And that is different...how?" The large mech sneered, amusement and disgust on his face as he glared at the human attempting to stand tall and proud despite knowing his encroaching fate. "You destroyed hope to save your planet...to save your people...your friends – Autobot friends – because you thought that was the best option, am I wrong?"

"It's not the same thing!"

"Isn't it?"

"NO!"

"Then explain to me how it was different, boy. If you can."

Sam felt his knees growing weak. He had done it to save Earth, wasn't that the right thing to do? He had done the only thing he could think of to save everyone he had cared about. "I had no choice!"

"Oh, but you _did_. You could have handed over the Allspark and ended this war right there. I would have brought my kind back to the glory they had once known."

"And you would have destroyed Earth doing it!"

"So you destroyed Cybertron's last chance to stop me."

Sam felt the comment like a bucket of ice and a punch to the stomach at the same time. "N-no! No! I-it's different!"

"Even you don't believe that," Megatron pointed out, smiling at this small victory. "One planet for another, another species for your own. You are no different than I, boy."

"I _care_ about others! _We are not the same!_"

"Oh, I see," a dark amusement crossed the large mech's faceplates. "Do you care about the sparks that are even now being extinguished? Do you care that soldiers you do not even know, who are simply following orders, are being terminated by your comrades only on the notion that they believe themselves to be right and I am wrong? Or did you feel a little bit happy to know that my army is being cut into by yours?"

Sam couldn't deny that he felt a wave of hope to know that the Autobots were coming; but when it was presented to him like that, he had to wonder if he was any better than the mech standing before him. "You kidnapped us, you started this!"

"I seek justice."

"Your _soldiers_ are torturing 'Bee and doing who knows what to Proxy! That's not justice!"

"The odd femme is only being examined, and your precious guardian being probed for information. No different than your Autobots would do to any of my mechs."

"I don't believe you."

"That is on you."

::Megatron, sir! More incoming! It's Prime!::

::Understood. We will meet them on the battlefield.:: Megatron's grin turned to something closer to a snarl. "We will see who stands and who falls by the end of this; either way, in the end, a monster will continue to function." With that, he left the human in his specialized cell to think over what he had said, to stew in his own guilt and self-doubt. What better torture was there?

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

* * *

**REMEMBER: THE 3,000TH REVIEW CONTEST IS STILL IN EFFECT! We're getting close. Whomever catches the 3000th review (plus the one before and the one after) will get a prize of their choosing. You name it, within reason, and you shall receive it. Good luck. **

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	137. Journal Entry 137

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*7*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The battle turned to pure insanity as Decepticons poured from the base to meet the new arrivals. Human teams took on several of the mechs, proving that their years working alongside the Autobots had trained them well to face off against the much larger opponents.

Mirage used his talents to vanish from battle altogether; his mission clear enough – while the others fought on the front line – he and Jazz were to infiltrate the base, locate the captives – hopefully finding the twins in the process – and extract them to a designated safe zone to be returned to base. He had no doubts that Jazz would likewise use his own talents to enter the base; or that he already had.

Inside the base, the spy found himself somewhat at a loss. He had seen war, battlefields, and senseless destruction before, even at the hands of the twin front-liners, but this was a savagery he was unfamiliar with.

Still, he had a mission to accomplish, and gore or no, he had no choice but to move forward.

Being careful to avoid leaving tracks that could be easily followed, the spy slipped through the halls seeking his targets. He chose to look for the captives first, sure that if he were able to free them, the front-liners would be easy enough to lure away.

By orders of the Prime, Mirage's priority was the human Sam, then Proxy, then Bumblebee, and the front-liners last. Seeking a human signature in a largely abandoned base was simple enough; however _reaching_ the human was another complication all together.

The room had been specially designed for the human to prevent the much smaller creature from being able to escape through some gap just his size, but it was also designed with several fail-safes to keep anyone from 'breaking in'. The room was set inside another set of walls, the space filled with some kind of chemical mix that would be largely harmful to both organic and 'bot alike, and would quickly drown the human if the fluid were allowed to enter the room he was contained in. Allowing the fluid to fill the halls would prevent drowning, but would damage the 'bot attempting the rescue and likely trigger several other fail-safes in the area. The only safe entry place was the door; which was heavily coded; set to deliver similar results should the code be improperly handled.

With a soft venting to steady himself, the spy set to the task at hand, he had to hack carefully or risk setting off alarms and further fail-safes he may not yet be aware of.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Elsewhere in the base walked a rather confident-looking Jazz. He sauntered through the gore as though it did not exist, as if he belonged in the base just as it was, and not like a mech sneaking around searching for captives. His orders had been much the same; priorities stated in similar terms, but Jazz knew Mirage to be a mech to follow orders to a T, so set himself on a secondary set of terms. Find the one most likely to be offlined first.

Luckily, with the distraction above, most of the higher-ranking Decepticons had already left the base to partake in the battle, buying the saboteur some time to locate his current target.

The base was set up as most Decepticon installments were, making it easy enough to find the brig and the subsequent interrogation/torture rooms. The complete lack of devastation in the area was testament that the raging front-liners had not made an appearance in brig; both a good and bad thing as Jazz saw it. Good, because that meant that Proxy was most likely not being held in the rooms that would probably indicate she was being tortured; bad because it meant that Proxy wasn't being held in the brig. He didn't want to think of where else the Decepticons would be holding the femme.

Looking through the rooms as he passed, the mech finally found what he was searching for.

As he tapped into the locking system, he noted another presence amongst the coding of the Decepticon cells and knew that Mirage had already started working on priority one. The two hackers acknowledged each other by avoiding each other, as was polite among their skill class.

Jazz's task was by far simpler than Mirage's and the saboteur was quickly done and out of the system, leaving the spy to complete his unobserved.

The door snapped open, revealing the prisoner within; the scout showing clear evidence of the hospitality he had received during his stay.

"Hey, 'Bee," Jazz spoke softly, hoping to ease the young mech's processor, "Ah'm here fer ya, younglin'."

Bumblebee's armor was heavily dented, some parts missing all together, his doorwings twisted painfully but not removed; it was obvious that the one who had tortured him had wanted him to suffer. He was still online, aware, but not fully conscious. Twittering at the familiar voice, the mech tried to sit up only for a part of his under-structure to crack painfully.

"Easy 'Bee, Ah got ya." The silver 'bot levered himself beneath the yellow scout's shoulders and helped him to his feet.

"S-am," the mech managed to verbalize before his vocalizer cut out with a staticky burst.

"'Raj is gettin' him, don't worry. We gotta get ya outta here."

The scout made another sound as he tried to protest again.

"Don't worry, 'Bee. We'll find her too. Twins are already in th' base somewhere, lookin' fer her." The pair steadied and Jazz guided Bumblebee toward the exit.

That's when they heard it, a broken, rage filled roar that seemed to shake the very foundation of the underground base.

"Slag..." Despite the sheer feral sound of the scream, Jazz knew who that had been and he could only suspect what it meant.

Bumblebee struggled to turn back, his clicks and warbles clearly showing that he also knew who and what that was.

"No, 'Bee, yer hurt, ya gotta get outta here."

The scout found strength somewhere in his tormented frame to shove Jazz away and stumbled back the way they had come.

"'Bee!" Just as the silver mech was sure he was going to have to cause more harm to the youngling to get him out; another figure appeared out of nothingness, pushing something against the yellow scout with a very expectant look on his face.

"Your charge needs you," Mirage stated matter-of-factually. "Get him to safety, it is your duty."

"Bumblebee!" Sam practically shrieked at the sight of his guardian. "What did they do to you!"

The young mech instantly focused on his charge, his will to seek out the still missing femme fading to a dull ache in his spark. Sam was here, in his hands, mostly unharmed. He couldn't imagine how he had gotten so lucky, but he didn't care. Sam was there and not dead and that was all that really mattered.

"Get him outta here, got it?" Jazz encouraged, pushing Bumblebee back towards the exit.

With a groan and a short burst of chatter, the scout did as he was told.

"Wait!" Sam demanded, leaning around Bumblebee to look at the other two mechs. "Where's Proxy?"

"That is where we are heading next. You two be safe," Mirage instructed even as he vanished from sight again.

Jazz simply waved the pair on before turning and slipping into the shadows, just as effectively vanishing as the spy.

Sam had a dazed look on his face as he watched the two mechs go back to search for Proxy. He looked up at Bumblebee once more, seeing all the damage done to his best friend and feeling deep sorrow for his suffering, but something even deeper inside him was screaming that Proxy was worse off; that the femme's time was very short and if someone didn't do something quick, she would be gone. "We have to go after her, 'Bee...I need to help her."

Bumblebee whined with apprehension for a moment before turning his weary frame back the way the others had gone.

"I know 'Bee, I'm sorry. But she doesn't have much time and I know I can help her if we get there before it's too late."

With a determined nod of his head, Bumblebee started walking; somehow managing not to stumble too much as he went. Somewhere in his young spark, the scout knew Sam was right, and he simply couldn't go without at least trying to help the femme.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sunstreaker had been completely wrenched from his berserker rage and thrown directly into a paralyzing cold dread as he looked over the lab. Sideswipe's cry had torn apart his spark, his audios, and his processor all at once, and seeing what lay here, he knew why.

He had spotted the armor first, recognizing it as one of his designs. Then he had seen the limbs, all mixed together and thrown off to the side with no interest in them – the detail of their mechanics completely ignored; Ratchet would have his gears in such a snag if he saw what they had done to those bits of his own creation – and last, but most definitely not the least of all of it, he saw the empty shell of a sparkcase.

His brother stood trembling with grief, rage, and complete despair, hands already torn to an oozing mess of energon and broken bits of what used to be functional mechanisms from his initial rage against anything that existed within the lab. Sunstreaker had just watched while his brother tore the place into shambles – no one would ever use this place for anything again – completely immobilized by the pain wracking him from his brother's side of their bond.

"She's..." Sideswipe's voice sounded so young, so lost; the warrior was gone in that moment and the only thing left was the youngling that he'd hardly had the chance to be. "She's gone..."

Sunstreaker could make no intelligent sound in response to his brother's statement. He was trapped in that world of complete disbelief and refusal _to_ believe. This wasn't real. Nobody just tore apart a femme like this...it was...unthinkable. Especially one that wasn't a battle class 'bot. That was just beyond unthinkable...even for him...yet, there she was; in bits and pieces all over the lab...the only thing that remained recognizable after Sideswipe's rampage.

Then the door opened and the mournful stillness that had befallen the twins was gone like water vapors under a desert sun. Sunstreaker lashed out before he looked, Sideswipe not far behind.

"Whoa!" Jazz just managed to duck the strike before a blade was punched through his face, and then had to keep moving as another set of blades set in to tear him apart. "Guys! It's meh!"

The pair were beyond words, beyond recognition; they wanted violence, they wanted to fight away the pain inside them and anything that moved was fair game.

Lucky for Jazz, he wasn't alone.

Mirage was able to undermine Sunstreaker as the mech lunged for Jazz again, taking his feet from beneath him and wedging a structural bar that had been liberated from its previous duties under his arms and behind his back, greatly restricting the mech's movement. It still took all his effort to keep the front-liner down. "Jazz?"

"Still movin'!" The mech called out as he slipped beneath another deadly blow. "These guy's've lost it!" As Jazz dodged another strike, his hand planted firmly on an empty frame; one with a familiar faceplate, and he no longer had it in him to move.

"Jazz!" Mirage's warning was futile as the blow came down on the saboteur's back, luckily – to some degree – the mech had been thrown by the fact Jazz hadn't kept moving and the strike was mostly blunt.

The blow was enough to jar the smaller mech out of his daze and he slipped beneath the examination table to escape a better-planned strike. This one nearly landed on the lifeless shell that was once Proxy and stopped the mech cold in his attack. His optics locked on the empty frame and there was no more fight.

Mirage continued to struggle with the other twin, but it seemed some level of sense was coming back to the golden front-liner.

"Get off me!" He demanded dangerously.

"Only if you cease this foolishness and behave."

"I'm not a youngling! Get off me!"

Venting dramatically, the blue mech released Sunstreaker but kept hold of the bar he had used; if things turned bad again, it might serve once more. "Can we go now?"

"I'm not going anywhere," Sideswipe mumbled, his energon coated hands hovering over the femme's once frame – what remained of it.

"Sides, think about what yer sayin'," Jazz eased from beneath the table as he heard the defeat in the younger mech's voice. "Yer in th' middle o' uh Decepticon base; ya can't just stay here."

"It doesn't matter. I'm done. I don't care what they do."

Sunstreaker wanted to protest, had the words right on the edge of his processor, but they simply wouldn't come out.

Mirage, on the other hand, had plenty to say. "Of course you do, because you cannot function without the crazy femme any more." He huffed an indignant sound. "Because the deactivation of one femme is so grand in the scheme of your life that has lost and taken so many other sparks. I'm sure she would be _proud_ of you for that." Uninterested in continuing any futile attempts at getting the mech to respond, Mirage turned to leave him to whatever fate it was he chose. However, as he turned, he was greeted by yet another form. "Bumblebee? What are you doing here?"

"Over there!" Sam was pointing urgently to a corner of the lab that had been rendered little more than total scrap. "Hurry, 'Bee, there's not much time!" The man was already working on scrambling off the scout's hand as Bumblebee pushed past the surprised spy in front of him and headed to where Sam was pointing.

Dropping to the ground before Bumblebee could fully lower his hand, Sam rushed into the pile of mish-mash with a single-mindedness that the scout hadn't seen in his charge since the Allspark had occupied a part of his brain.

"What th' Pit, 'Bee?" Jazz couldn't believe his optics as he saw both Sam and Bumblebee there before him; all three of their target rescues in the same room; one offline, one almost there and the third acting like a madman.

"No time, no time!" Sam kept repeating himself as he dug, demanding Bumblebee help him here and there. His efforts garnered Sunstreaker's attention as well as Mirage and Jazz, all staring at the little human searching for something.

"What are you doing?" Mirage asked. "We don't have forever, the battle will end shortly and those Decepticons will be returning here."

Bumblebee just shrugged in answer. He didn't know what was driving Sam on like this, but he trusted his charge; something important was here and he was going to help him find it.

A few kliks that felt like vorns passed as almost all optics watched the young man dig. Then something grabbed Sideswipe's attention; a light brush against his spark – a familiar sensation that he was sure he would never feel again – and by Sunstreaker's reaction, his twin had felt it too. There was something there.

Both mechs leaped on the pile with Sam, digging with a fever that could not be cooled.

Between the lot of them, a small case was uncovered; it looked like a cast iron cube; however, scans showed the metal to be of a stronger content, mostly Cybertronian with some Earth base metals mixed in to make the resource stretch further. The metal was bloated, as though whatever was within was pushing the material to its limits just to contain it, and in spots, it was bubbled as though it had been brought to a semi liquid state then cooled again. There were several access slots that had been welded closed, cracks that had been patched; the box obviously was not prepared to contain what it held; and even as Bumblebee reached for the object it started to crumble, swelling out under the pressure from within.

Sam leaped at the box, its size close to that of his entire torso, but he didn't seem to care. He wrapped his arms around the metal as though holding onto something very dear and near lost to him. "Get something!" He shouted, his voice echoing through the silenced lab. The only other sound was the tortured screams of the metal box as it lost the war against what it held. "Hurry! Get something we can put her in!"

It was at that moment that it hit Jazz what they had found. Proxy's spark was no longer in her frame; but it wasn't gone. He rushed for the empty spark chamber, intending to rip it from the dead frame as a temporary solution to the rising problem, but even as he grabbed it, he realized that it would not work. The case had been mutilated to get at the spark within. Proxy had fought them as hard as she could until she could no longer fight.

"No good!" Jazz shouted as he turned to look for anything else.

Mirage was still confused, but seeing the tension in his comrades – and since two of his three targets were here – the mech started searching for anything that might have been useful to contain...something. He suspected enough to know that whatever containment he found would have to be strong, which really left no options as far as he could see.

Sam held tight to the box, willing the presence within to just stay calm and stay put until they could help her, but even in his heart, he knew that wasn't enough. They were going to lose her if something didn't happen in the next few seconds.

As that thought crossed his mind, the box finally gave to the pressure and exploded outward. Sam felt a warm tingling sensation wrap around him, like a thousand butterfly wings brushing his skin and a warm summer breeze wrapped together. It made his mind go fuzzy and nothing but bliss was known to him as the aesthesis consumed him. He held onto that feeling, cupping his hands as though the source were held within them, and turned with a peaceful smile on his face to search for something significant. He didn't know what, but knew that when he saw it, he would know.

There were voices, some close, some far, all talking at once but none of them saying anything he cared to understand. There were images of beings, some bright, some dark, some clear, some fuzzy around the edges, but none of them mattered to him at the moment. There was only one thing that he held any interest in, and that was the single, bright, clear form standing before him right now; a voice that was clear as it whispered from within the being though not by means of any voice ever spoken.

'Me,' it whispered and demanded, pleaded and stated.

"You," Sam agreed holding his hands up to the bright being.

The being came closer, then reached out to take what Sam was offering it, the voice singing with joy and relief and a thousand other things that could not be named.

As the feeling seeped out of him, Sam lost that sense of pure bliss – that altered reality – and found himself standing face to face with Sideswipe. The mech looked dazed, trapped somewhere between grief and bliss as he stared back at Sam with wide optics.

"What just happened?" Sunstreaker asked unsteadily, his legs feeling weak beneath him. He felt a pressure building inside him, inside his spark, and it was disrupting his ability to control his frame.

"Oh...this...this is bad..." Jazz gawked at the whole scene as his processor raced to try to think of some way out of the base before things got horrible. "'Bee, take Sam! Raj, get Sunny! I'll get Sides! We need ta get outta here fast!" The saboteur all but bullied Sideswipe to his feet, pushing and dragging the mech where he wanted him to go. He found it almost relieving that the front-liner offered absolutely no resistance and seemed perfectly happy to do as he was instructed, if a bit distantly.

Sunstreaker, on the other hand, struggled every step of the way: never violently, but persistently. He kept running into walls, and clinging to support posts as they passed. It was almost as if he couldn't decide if he was standing or falling, walking or running. Mirage had his work cut out for him trying to wrangle the golden mech, but he did so with some measure of patience he wouldn't normally spare. Something about the whole thing – he was sure that had been a spark the human had captured from the box – just unsettled him.

Bumblebee was struggling with his damages, but was otherwise able to make the distance on his own; with Sunstreaker being as much trouble as he was, the scout found it easy to keep up with the group.

The sounds of the battle grew louder as they reached their exit, though it was being pushed further and further from the base. The Autobots and their N.E.S.T. teammates were not a match for the number of Decepticons and drones that had been at the base. Though they were putting up a magnificent fight, they would lose this battle soon.

::Boss! We're out!:: Jazz called over the Autobot com link. At this point, it mattered little if the Decepticons hacked their comms. or not.

::Is everyone accounted for?:: The Prime's voice was weary, battle worn, and full of concern.

::Uh...in uh matter o' speakin'...yeah.:: Jazz vented into the com. ::Meet ya at th' rendezvous.::

::Understood; we will be there shortly.:: The tone of Optimus's voice told Jazz he gathered he wasn't going to like what they found when he met up with the infiltration team, but that he accepted that there was nothing more they could do.

Guiding Sunstreaker became increasingly difficult as they trudged over sand and through densely wooded land. The mech was a wreck to say the very least and Mirage was unable to assist the front-liner on his own any longer.

When the golden twin collapsed, Jazz felt his spark sink. "'Bee, keep an optic on Sides, would ya?"

The young scout buzzed in acknowledgment as he grabbed the silver front-liner's wrist and continued to guide him toward the destination Jazz had given him.

"What's wrong with them?" Sam asked finally as he watched Mirage and Jazz lift Sunstreaker between them. He remembered what had happened, but he didn't understand. Sideswipe seemed to be little more than a drone – there didn't even seem to be any life in his optics, which were pale and dim – while Sunstreaker looked like he was just shy of literally falling apart.

_"...T__his is what it's like when worlds collide..."_

Sam wasn't sure he understood exactly what his guardian was saying, but he got the gist of it; things were changing between the front-liner twins, changing in them, right before their eyes...and no one knew if it was going to be alright in the end. "Is there anything we can do to help them?"

"Yeah," Jazz grunted under Sunstreaker's dead weight, "we can get th' Pit outta here an' get them ta Ratch'."

A loud shuffling in the trees to their left had everyone falling silent and reaching for weapons: well, everyone that was within capacity to do so at least.

None of them expected to see the small 'bot that pushed through the underbrush; red plating scratched and dented heavily, one optic missing and parts of her frame bent or gone.

Sam scrambled from Bumblebee's hand to retrieve the damaged cat'bot. "Oh, man...how'd you get out, Ruby?"

The cat'bot gave a very sickly sounding trill as the young man scooped her up and held her close. She was so relieved to have found _someone_ that she really didn't care who it was – though she did recognize Sam for who he was – instead, she just lay limp against him and made the best effort at expressing her relief and pain through weary trills and soft purring like sounds.

It was clear to everyone that looked at the little creature that she had been poorly handled, possibly 'played' with, and then tossed aside as nothing more than meaningless junk. Likely, she had been roaming the island this entire time just trying to find someone to help her.

Bumblebee once more retrieved his charge, cat'bot and all, and resumed the trek to the rendezvous, his spark aching just that much more. Yet another innocent being he hadn't been able to protect.

They hadn't even paused a klik to think of the little symbiote after finding Proxy so completely broken. Maybe they had just assumed the little femme had been offlined along with her host, or that she had somehow just not been there. None of them could claim that they had thought of her. Ruby had been such a part of Proxy that it seemed to be the end all of it – until now.

Reaching the meeting point, the group made quick work of finding suitable cover to wait for their comrades to arrive. The plane was quickly approaching and they would only have less than half a breem to board and take off – if the Decepticons even gave them that long. Jazz just hoped that the few breems of a detour through the underground base that he had taken would serve their needs well enough and give them a short window for escape.

Even as that thought crossed his processor, he felt the gentle rumble in the ground indicating that the 'distraction' had been triggered; a large part of the Decepticon's base would now be engulfed in flames, and hopefully, their comrades were hightailing it out of there.

The cargo plane came in like a beast, roaring just over the treetops as it found purchase on a large patch of hardened lava flow from the islands most recent eruption a few Earth years back. It may have been far from ideal, but it was a reasonably covered area that provided a stable ground for the plane to land and take off from.

The hiding 'bots all rushed for the plane even as the ramp dropped and the second craft came hauling in for its own landing not far from the first. Not long after the first wave came the second round of retreating Autobots bursting through the trees to load up, each carrying as many humans as they could to hurry the retreat. All in all, it took less than the half a breem they generously gave themselves to make this escape happen.

A heavy burden felt raised from the shoulders of most of the occupants within both aircrafts as they lifted from the island and sped as quickly as the engines could carry them back home, though many solders were lamenting the deaths of a few of their own, everyone felt they could breathe easier with their rescue mission complete. It had been a difficult battle to say the very least, but they were satisfied in knowing that their mission had been a success...mostly.

None of them knew the details of it, but the word had spread that Proxy had not been among the 'bots that had boarded the plane; the fact that Sunstreaker had been carried and Sideswipe was little more than a drone spoke little of their hopes the femme had simply gone unnoticed.

Will sat stonily in his seat, studying the 'bots in the craft with him; Ironhide was sulking, looking like the worn down warrior he was. Optimus looked pensive, as if there were something that simply had not made sense, some little piece to the whole that was missing. Then there was Bluestreak.

Bluestreak had been a mech that everyone had quickly gotten to know. The young 'bot – because it had become painfully obvious he was one of the younger mechs within the ranks – was chatty. As in once he started, he simply did not stop talking. He tended to be a rather kind mech, always something nice to say and very curious about everything, though he took his duties very seriously and without any type of joke to them. When something went wrong, he took it very personally. His current silence indicated something had gone wrong.

The major couldn't help but to wonder what was going on in the second plane. Most of the human troops had been forced to take the second airship, due to the number of 'bots in the first; Jazz and Mirage, Bumblebee, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, and Ratchet had slipped on just before the plane took off. They were easily taxing the plane's weight limits, but there was little choice in the grand scheme of it all; they only had two planes and a second trip was completely out of the question. Still, there had been no word yet between the 'bots and humans to either confirm or deny that Proxy was still missing. There had barely been enough communication between the species to assure the humans that Sam had indeed been found and was still alive.

Whatever was going on; it affected all the mechs he was currently in the company of.

Silence was maintained until the pilots of the planes announced their eminent arrival back on Diego Garcia.

The soldiers trooped out before the mechs, making it easier for the larger beings to maneuver in the smaller space. Will, being sure to be one of the first ones to disembark, caught the tail end of the show as Ratchet herded Bumblebee and the front-liner twins off, Sam held firmly in one of his hands and what looked like Ruby held in the young man's arms. Still no Proxy. His heart sank to his stomach and he felt sick. All of that – everything that Aurian had lived through – only to be snuffed out at the hands of the Decepticons for a second time.

"This ain't right," Rob said from his position next to his friend and comrade.

"That's war..." the major tried to keep his voice level, but it cracked as he spoke despite his efforts. He was angry and broken at the same time. Had he known that was Aurian, he could have said so much to her; apologized for how she died, for having ripped her from her safe world into this one full of chaos and death. It was horrible knowing she had been spared once, only to be placed right back into the hands that destroyed her in the first place. "Let's just hope the others pull through this," he stated in a much firmer voice.

"Hope in one hand," Rob stated grimly, "shit in the other..." he left the comparison hanging. They both knew the end result, and knew how true it could be. Hope was a powerful moving force, but when it came down to it, there was a lot more less pleasant things to get through before hope was ever given light.

"They have to pull through," the major corrected. "We can't afford to lose any more right now." With a heartfelt look, Will left Rob where he stood. He wanted to see what had become of the front-liners and of Sam...and just didn't want to see the mixed expressions on the faces around him.

The man was moved by the very aware and cautious way his fellow humans moved about the base. They all understood things weren't right, though they weren't sure to what extent. Most of them had put two and two together and realized that Proxy had not been recovered from the Decepticon base, but there had been no confirmation of the femme's deactivation. Not a single one of the soldiers dared to approach any of the 'bots about it just yet, their Cybertronian friends were obviously in some state of distress and they had learned long ago to spare their alien friends a measure of space to come to terms with their grief before trying to offer their compassion. For such an ancient race – especially one that had been so long in war – Cybertronians had difficulties dealing with death.

Entering the medical wing was like entering the very vortex of chaos. All human medical personnel were scrambling as fast as they could to provide support to their Cybertronian teammates. They were hauling wires and sheets of metal from any place they could find them, stacking them just inside the Cybertronian med bay for inspection, and processing by Wheeljack and Jolt while First Aid and Ratchet were intensely focused on Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Orders were shouted back and forth in both English and Cybertronian.

Grabbing one of the medical personnel as he rushed passed, Will pointed to the piles of things quickly gathering. "What is going on here?"

"Emergency, sir! Not really sure the details but they're building another frame!" The man offered a rather concerned look as he continued on his way.

Will felt his already sunken heart sink even further. The only thing he could think of was the way Sunstreaker had looked as they hauled him to the med bay; the mech was obviously in serious trouble and the complete lack of any reaction from Sideswipe had hardly been reassuring.

Another round of orders were barked out by Ratchet, making everyone cringe whether they understood what was being said or not.

"Ah'm movin' Ratch', Ah swear Ah'm movin'!" Wheeljack lurched from where he was examining a slab of metal as critically as the rush put on him was allowing.

"We're out of time, Wheeljack!" Ratchet roared as he worked inside Sideswipe's chest. "We need that chamber five breems ago!"

"Few more kliks, sir!" Jolt called from where he was hastily throwing something together.

Wheeljack quickly joined the smaller blue 'bot with the slab he had been inspecting, cutting it to shape even as he moved.

"We don't have that kind of time!" Ratchet sounded nervous: actually a little more than nervous. "Tell me you're done right now or she's lost!"

She.

Ratchet had said 'she'.

Even as the realization slammed through Will's brain, wreaking havoc on any thoughts he might have had before, he watched Ratchet pull an erratically pulsing ball of multicolored light from Sideswipe's chest. He struggled to keep hold of the light; it seemed to push and slide between his fingers, and the medic attempted to keep it restrained without crushing it.

"Gah!" Wheeljack jerked back dramatically as he tried to get out of Ratchet's way. "Good enough!"

All four 'bots descended upon the thing that Jolt and Wheeljack had been working on, the light vanishing within its depths, and the med bay fell into a very tense silence.

Finally, First Aid vented, stepping back, followed by Jolt. "She's secure," the older of the two medics proclaimed.

"There's still a lot of work to do," Ratchet grumbled, though there was palpable relief in his voice. "Get back to the twins. Once you're sure they're stable, see to Bumblebee."

"On it," Jolt agreed. First Aid simply nodded and retreated.

Letting loose the breath Will hadn't even realized he was holding, he moved a little closer to the action wanting a better look at what was going on.

"Hey, Will," a worn out, but familiar voice called.

Turning to the young man who was still clinging to a rather sad looking red and silver 'bot, Will noted the stressed look on his face. "Sam, how are you feeling?"

"I could be worse," he simply stated. "I got off easy compared to the others." He lifted the limp form in his arms as example.

"That's..."

"Yeah, she's still alive; just...well, if Ratchet and them all pull this together, she'll be fine. They'll all be fine."

"How do you know that, kid?"

Sam looked up at Will, looking him in the eyes for the first time in a long time, and the major saw something there that he hadn't noticed before. It had been there, he was sure of it, but now he knew what it was. Wisdom. Unfathomable wisdom that shouldn't have ever been dumped on a boy as young as Sam, but there it was.

"I know," Sam assured him with a weary, crooked smile.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; timelessness_

_ I've heard the word, and I thought I knew what it meant, but I didn't. Not then. I do now though. It's not a passing – or lack of passing – of time at all. It's a place. No...no, it's not even a place. It's a state of being. Sort of. You know? Unless you've been there, it's really hard to describe._

_ Anyway, I knew I was safe there in that timelessness. I was safe and I was happy and comfortable, but there was a little nagging something that kept poking at me somehow. I mean, I wasn't really worried, I knew this state of being – this place, this feeling, whatever it was – was temporary, so I wasn't afraid, but there was still something about it._

_ Then there was a voice, one I knew well and adored._

_ 'Proxy?'_

_ 'Sides?'_

_ 'Hold on, everything's going to be okay...'_

_ 'I know.'_

_ 'Hold on.'_

_ 'I'm not going anywhere.'_

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: The 3000th review contest is still on...getting ever closer!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	138. Journal Entry 138

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; unprepared_

_ There are just some things in life that you will never, ever, ever be prepared for..._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*8*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Bright lights. Cold air. A hard surface. She could feel again, however Proxy wasn't so sure that was a good thing. Last she could recall, Scalpel was tearing apart her chest to get at her spark. One thing she did note was the complete lack of pain. It was nice to not feel pain, but what did that mean for her?

Panic started welling up inside her as possibilities swirled around in her processor. What had Scalpel done to her? What was he _going_ to do? Why was it so quiet? Why couldn't she move?

'Hey,' a soft voice that exuded calm and safety poured into her spark, 'you're safe.'

She followed that presence in her spark, through the bond that had always been there, to the spark of the mech that was reaching out to her. Sideswipe's presence helped her to get a hold of herself, but she still felt disoriented. Why was he here? Where was she?

Trying her best to calm her hammering spark and accept the feelings Sideswipe was feeding her – feelings of love, confidence, and calm – Proxy sorted through her thoughts. 'Why can't I move? Where am I?'

"Ratchet!" Sideswipe's voice was loud, very close to her. If she could have, Proxy would have flinched from the suddenness of the sound. "Ratchet! She's coming online!"

As her senses started to orient, Proxy realized that Sideswipe was holding her hand tightly. It might have been painful if she had any senses other than pressure and temperature, but in this current state, she could feel little more than how he trembled. Even through all of the exuding calm and confidence, she could sense his anxiety. He was nervous: afraid, even. It made her attempts to control her own fear more difficult.

She tried to focus on him but her optics perceived little more than shades of gray in very generalized shapes. The only reason she realized that the dark shadow to her right was Sideswipe was because her spark told her so.

'Sides? Why can't I move?' She asked again, fear tainting her voice and crawling through their bond like a slow river of ice. 'What's going on?'

'It's okay, I promise. Ratchet's coming.'

Ratchet. Just the medic's designation did wonders to ease her spark. If Ratchet was there, that meant she wasn't in Scalpel's lab anymore.

'Proxy, listen...I need to tell you something...'

The femme's spark nearly stopped at his words, new fear jumping right back to replace what had been eased away. 'What happened? Are the sparklings okay? Oh, Primus...is it Sam?'

'No, no...nothing like that. The sparklings are fine and so is Sam. Well, I guess 'okay' might be a loose term, kid seems a little off lately, but he's physically fine. No, I have to talk to you about what happened.'

'I...don't want to,' she stated softly though without room for refute. 'I don't want to remember any of it.'

"Proxy," his voice was so sweet to her audios the femme nearly gave into his wish.

Still, she had no desire to recall any of what Scalpel had done to her beyond what was already playing around in her processor like demented little goblins bent on having fun at her expense. 'No.'

"How is she taking it?" Ratchet's voice announced his presence long before Proxy caught a glimpse of another dark shadow, which she could only assume to be the medic.

"Uh..."

"I see."

'What is he talking about?'

"Well, let's get on with it," the CMO announced even as Proxy felt his hands touch on her frame. "I am releasing the low level stasis. You will regain more of your senses, but you still will not be able to move."

Color was the first thing to come to the femme as Ratchet spoke. She could see his bright coloring, and the shining silver of Sideswipe beside her.

"It is a safety protocol," Ratchet explained as he continued his work. "Your spark doesn't know this frame yet, we didn't want to fully activate it until we knew you were alright since your spark was not properly prepared for any of this."

"...what?" Her voice was a little unsteady as functionality came back to the mechanism.

The medic studied the femme for a moment, though what he was thinking was entirely hidden behind a mask of neutrality. "What's the last thing you remember?"

Proxy groaned miserably. "Scalpel was..." her voice quivered and broke off as she recalled the little scientist tearing into her chest plates like a human child opening a much sought-after gift. She just knew there was going to be a whole new level of nightmares for her to live with. Even the memory was painful. "What happened to me?"

"Your frame was destroyed," Ratchet informed her bluntly. "Somehow, your spark survived outside of proper containment. Lucky for you, much of your processor was salvaged, though there may be a few holes."

More memories stirred in her processor, creating a complete storm of emotions, images, and sensations; not a one of them one she wanted to recall. One spark-wrenching image had the femme nearly returning to full panic. "Where's Ruby?"

"In stasis, waiting for you to come online so you can re-establish your symbiotic connection."

"Is she..."

"She will be fine," the medic assured her. "You need to focus on your own recovery. I am going to initiate full connection between your spark and frame now; tell me if there is any discomfort at all."

Ratchet worked around Sideswipe, not even seeming annoyed by the mech's unwillingness to move. Proxy thought it was odd, but was more than a little relieved that he was there. His presence had always had a calming effect on her, like somehow everything would be okay just because he was there. Still, something about him seemed different. Something in the way he looked at her, or maybe it was the way he felt...she couldn't pin it down, but she liked it.

"There," the CMO announced, even as Proxy felt her limbs gain strength. "Take it easy, but I want you to test your frame."

"Great," she sat up, slowly, with Sideswipe's help.

Looking over her 'new' frame, the femme found more questions than answers. "Where'd you get all this from? It's..."

"Substandard, I know, but it is all we could get in the rush we were in. It will function until we can find appropriate materials to build you a more efficient one."

Proxy laughed. "Substandard? It looks like my old frame!"

"Yes," Ratchet agreed with obvious disapproval. "Mostly. It was what we had available at the time and considering the rush we were in..." he vented as though he didn't find the reasoning acceptable. "Wheeljack and First Aid have been working on creating an acceptable mixture of Earth based materials and what remaining resources we have available to build you a better frame. Until then, this will just have to do."

"Its okay, Ratchet. I'm...I'm really just happy to be alive." Her frame shivered at the thoughts of what had nearly become of her. Her _frame_ had been destroyed...how _did_ she survive that?

'Hey, don't think about it, okay?' Sideswipe wrapped an arm around her, offering her support both physically and emotionally. Strongly, Proxy noted. His emotional presence just felt so...THERE. More there than she could ever remember it being, even when he or Sunstreaker had pulled her from her nightmares and smothered her in their reassuring confidence and protection, they had never felt so close.

"Well, at any rate, you're on base until a new frame is constructed. Take it easy; no strenuous activities," the medic glared at Sideswipe as he stated that part, but continued without missing a beat, "and if you have any glitches, troubles, complaints, pain – anything at all – you contact me immediately."

"Okay, Ratchet, I promise. Can I go see my sparklings now?"

Ratchet smiled, a small half grin, with something akin to affection. "Of course. Go see your sparklings. I'm sure Prowl would appreciate being relieved."

"Oh, poor Prowl. He's been with them all this time? I hope they didn't drive him to malfunction."

"I hope they did," Sideswipe chuckled.

Ratchet just huffed something between amusement and disapproval. "Prowl will remain on hand to help you with them as needed."

"That's not..."

"He insisted," Ratchet interrupted, "and I have seconded his request. If need be, it will be enforced if you seem to be pushing yourself too hard. Your condition is serious and you need to understand that."

"Ratchet..." she looked at the medic with weary optics. "I have lived through worse than troublesome sparklings. I will be fine."

Ratchet looked a little stunned by the femme's statement. He had no compelling argument to go against it. "Still, be cautious."

"I will take care of her," Sideswipe promised as he helped Proxy to her feet.

Again, that half grin crept onto the medic's face. "I'm sure you will."

With that, he dismissed the pair, though their trip to their home just outside of the active boundaries of the base proper was anything but quick.

"Proxy!" The first person to spot them was Sam. The man was stationed outside of the med bay's exterior doors as if he had known the femme would be coming that way. Proxy couldn't help but to wonder how long he had spent waiting to be sure he had the chance to catch her.

"Sam, good to see you!" The femme was rather happy to see the man whole and seemingly healthy. She knelt down to inspect him with a little more scrutiny. "How are you?"

Sam laughed at the question. "Me? How are you?" He was likewise inspecting the femme, though he was less able to detect anything that would be out of place with her current patchwork frame.

"I'm functional," she was hesitant to say she was 'okay' due to the simple fact that she knew there would likely be lingering effects, but she currently felt fine.

"Functional is good. Very good in fact. It's way better than the alternative." Sam fidgeted a little where he stood before fixing his gaze on Proxy's slowly shifting optics. "I'm really sorry for what happened."

Proxy was instantly confused. "What do you mean?"

"If I hadn't been there, you could have gotten away."

"Sam, no. It wasn't your fault."

"I know, I know...I mean, everyone keeps telling me that but I can't help but to think about it, you know? You were protecting me..."

"Of course I was, but that has nothing to do with it. Everything was...it was..." Proxy felt her tanks churn at the thought of what had happened. "It wasn't your fault," she finished. "Even if I had run, I didn't know where I was, or how to get out. They would have caught me anyway." Her voice trembled but she smiled nonetheless. "Besides, I would much rather have died saying I tried to save you rather than live knowing I hadn't."

Sam smiled, but his expression was rather haunted. "Yeah, I guess so...but..."

"No 'buts' Sam. It was what it was. We're all here..." she paused for a moment, realizing she hadn't seen Bumblebee, "aren't we?"

"Yeah," Sam agreed quickly enough to discount the momentary fear, "but..."

"I said no 'buts'. I would do it again without a second thought. Even if it meant worse than what happened before. You're my friend and friends protect each other."

The young man sighed, rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair. "Right. You're right. Still..." Sam shifted around a little before refocusing on the femme before him. "I still feel responsible."

"That's just part of who you are, Sam. Just know that I don't blame you, and neither does anyone else."

"Okay, thanks."

Proxy was pretty sure that he didn't entirely believe her as Sam turned to walk away. There was just something in the way his shoulders slumped, in the tightness of his back muscles, in his every step. Something was weighing him down.

"He'll be okay," Sideswipe promised from behind her.

"Sure he will," she agreed, though with a heavy layer of doubt.

Before Proxy was even fully on her feet again another voice called out her designation. When she turned to see who was calling now, she saw Will, Rob, and a small flock of other soldiers flocking toward her.

"Good to see you up and moving again!" Will called out as he approached.

"It's good to be up and moving again," she assured them. "How are you all this fine afternoon?"

"Better now!" One soldier called out as he smiled and waved to her. "We were all sure you were gone; it's good to see you're made of tougher stuff!"

"Of course she is," Sideswipe challenged.

"Yeah," another soldier agreed eagerly.

Proxy felt flattered by the attention, but at the same time, her spark skipped radically at their words. They were happy to see her and had thought she was...gone? "I don't plan on going anywhere for a very long time," she promised confidently.

"Good to hear," Rob spoke as he gave the femme a rather strict salute. "Place would be far too quiet without you."

There was a general laughter of agreement to the man's statement.

"Ha ha. You lot would be overrun with my sparklings if I were gone. I don't think 'quiet' is the right word for it.

"Ooh, good call," Will commended. "But anyway, we were just doing some P.T. when we saw you, thought we'd swing by and say 'hi'."

"Okay, I will see you all later, I'm sure."

"Damned straight!" Rob cheered as he turned to run the troupe back to their previous activity.

"Everyone was pretty worried about you," Sideswipe stated as they started to walk again.

"Guess they all know what happened?"

"No, not really. None of us really knew what had happened. And we won't until you tell us."

The femme vented, just thinking about talking about it made her uncomfortable. "I don't want to talk about it, Sides."

Nodding in understanding, Sideswipe guided Proxy toward their home once more.

They made it several steps before they were stopped again, this time by Beachcomber and Bluestreak. The pair looked a little nervous as they approached, but Proxy wasn't sure if it was because they were concerned or if something was wrong.

"Hey, Proxy!" Bluestreak greeted softly, as if he were afraid his voice might be too much for the recovering femme. "How are you feeling? I mean, obvious things aside. Well, not that it's so obvious, I just mean that you're probably not all that happy to be back in your old frame...not that there's anything wrong with it, just that it's not exactly meant for a spark. Your spark is okay, right? You're not in any danger are you?"

"Blue," Sideswipe interrupted warningly.

"Right, sorry, I didn't mean to go on like that. I'm just happy to see you're okay..."

"We're all happy to see you're okay," Beachcomber added, taking some of the focus off his current companion. "Missed having you around. Not as many 'bots to talk to."

Proxy laughed. "I'm fine, thank you both."

"Fine?" A third voice asked as the rumbling steps of another 'bot marked his approach. "Femme, I don't think you understand what 'fine' means." Ironhide had a rather stern look on his face, but his optics seemed to soften as he looked over Proxy. "You shouldn't be lingering around out here."

"I am fine, thank you. This frame did its job before; it will function just fine for now, too."

The large black mech snorted dismissively. "Ratchet said you're to take it easy."

"Ironhide, you worry too much."

"You don't worry enough," Sideswipe added, earning himself looks of surprise from everyone present.

"You're agreeing with Ironhide?" The femme asked with amused astonishment. "Wow, something major must have happened while I was out."

"I'm not agreeing! I'm just saying that maybe you should take it easy."

Proxy couldn't help but to give him an incredulous look. They had barely gone thirty feet from the med bay and she had done nothing but walk and talk. "Take it easy? Right."

"Well, we just wanted to say hi," Bluestreak said with a slight wave as he tugged on Beachcomber's arm.

Ironhide watched them go before turning back to the femme and her hovering guardian. "I'll walk with you; make sure nobody else gets in the way."

"How kind of you, 'Hide." Proxy smiled. She was flattered by the large mech's concern, but also annoyed by the implication. "You do know I'm not going to just fall apart, right? Ratchet wouldn't have let me out of the med bay if he was worried about that."

The larger mech just huffed and waved his hand indicating they should get moving.

With a venting to clearly indicate her irritation, Proxy started back toward their home again. She might have been more spiteful had her sparklings not been waiting for her.

There were further greetings as they made their way across the base; several soldiers and the other 'bots on base wanting to wish the femme well, but Proxy noticed that most of the 'bots gave Sideswipe some sort of questioning look. She put it off to them wanting to make sure he intended to watch over her every move, but with the level of anxiety she felt from him over their bond every time one of them looked at him like that, she had to wonder.

All of that fell to the wayside once her optics set upon her home and the several eager saparklings lined in the windows. Without a word, she took off at a trot for the door, needing to be close to them more than anything. Her spark was already calling out to them, and she could feel them calling back, both by spark and in shrill, excited verbal sounds. Even before she reached the house, she found herself bombarded by two little bodies as Stardust and Sirenrein appeared as if from nowhere and clung to the femme's arms. Proxy drew them in tightly, but didn't stop her rushed gait to greet the others.

The door came open before she reached it, Prowl looking more than just a little annoyed being pushed past by several more sparklings that were too eager to greet their caretaker than they were willing to listen to instructions. Still, the mech looked a little relieved to see Proxy outside the door.

"Welcome home."

Unable to move forward any further with the mass of small bodies clinging to her, Proxy laughed. "It's good to be home." Her laughter dissolved into words of love and devotion, to sounds that were not words but every bit as clear to the little ones vying for their caretaker's attention, to something on the verge of sobs as she slowly collapsed, trying to claim every small frame in her arms to keep them as close as she could.

'I almost never saw them again,' Proxy realized and her spark twisted painfully. Even with her processor producing the patchy memories that she was desperately trying to ignore as it was, she knew that she had come so close to leaving these precious little lives behind and it was excruciating to consider.

'Proxy,' Sideswipe urged over their bond. 'Almost means it didn't happen so don't let it bother you so much.'

'What would have happened to them? If I wasn't here, what would have happened? Who would be their caretaker? Who would take the time to be with them, to teach them, to love them?'

'They're on a base full of 'bots that would make sure they were taken care of,' he assured her.

'Taken care of, not loved...'

'Proxy, you know better than that. Everyone loves them.' The silver front-liner knelt beside the femme, the sparklings willingly moving enough to allow him some closeness, but still refusing to move away from their caretaker. 'I know, it wouldn't be the same. You're devoted to them in a way few others could dare to claim, but you don't have to be afraid of what would happen to them – not that you're going anywhere – but they would be safe, and healthy, and loved.'

Several happy chirps seemed to reinforce Sideswipe's claim as a few of the sparklings finally made an effort to move away, giving the femme a chance to move.

"You're right," Proxy finally agreed as she climbed to her feet. "Still, I think that maybe we should set something up...just in case. I would feel better knowing what would happen to them."

"Sure. Just as soon as you're..."

"As soon as it can be arranged. I don't want to waste any time."

Prowl, having observed the ordeal in complete silence, nodded his head once. "I will see to the corroboration of a custody and care will...should the worst come to pass." His tone was as level as always, but there was a note of veneration lying just beneath the surface. Logically it only made sense to prepare for the chance that something could happen to Proxy – it nearly _had_ after all – but emotionally accepting that such a fate could come to pass was a little more difficult.

"Thank you, Prowl. For everything. I owe you."

The mech acknowledged Proxy's appreciation with another nod. "Think nothing of it. I am available if you have need of me." With that, he departed, waving to several of the sparklings that flailed their small arms in their own version of a 'good-bye'.

"He really turned out pretty good," Sideswipe almost mumbled. Prowl had been an annoyance to him and his brother – knowing who he had been and the things he had done made it difficult for the twins to trust, or respect the mech – however, he had proven himself very useful around base and rather loyal to Proxy. In Sideswipe's book, that made him a 'decent' mech. Mostly. He would always suspect a bit of Barricade still lurked under the surface, but as long as it was only the good parts of the once mech, he was okay with it.

"He was always good," Proxy corrected confidently. "Come on, little ones! Let's get inside. It's close to meal time anyway."

Several excited chirps and trills filled the air as most of the sparklings turned to rush back indoors. The few that remained were of no surprise to Proxy or Sideswipe; Ferropax, remaining close to Proxy with a keen optic locked on his closest sisters as they made some rather daring almost-flight moves as they tried to beat the other sparklings inside; Blindside, who was far more interested in physically assuring himself that Proxy was there – even though her frame felt different to him, he knew it was her; and of course Cascade who stayed close to her brother's side.

Proxy scooped up the trio and headed inside to care for her sparklings. It was the only thing she wanted to do, and as far as she was concerned she could do it for eternity and be the happiest femme in existence.

Sideswipe simply watched as the femme followed the flock of young sparks into their home. He couldn't stop the smile that crept onto his face at the sight. He imagined that maybe the war never existed and this was his life – a real home, a femme, and sparklings. It was perfection...almost.

'You coming?' The femme nudged over their bond.

That was all it took to get him moving again. 'Right behind you.'

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; domestic life_

_ We were left alone for quite some time. I can't say I really counted; I was far too interested in the fact that I was here and not among the no longer living. I had my sparklings, who were getting so BIG_ _by the way! I had Sideswipe at my side, probably Ratchet's way of ensuring that I didn't do anything he thought I shouldn't, __though Sideswipe was an interesting choice of enforcers if you ask me.__ Prowl stopped by from time to time to check up on us, but otherwise we were undisturbed._

_ I began to wonder about a few things after what I'm sure had to of been a couple orns._

_ One: Sunstreaker. Where was he? I hadn't seen, or heard from him since I had come back online._

_ Two: Sideswipe. The mech had some secret just begging to come out. Any time I asked about it, he would get flustered and try to say something but it always ended up with me being distracted by one of the sparklings._

_ Three: My spark felt...off. I can't put a finger on how. It didn't feel bad, there was no pain or discomfort, but it definitely felt different in a way I couldn't explain. Like it was reaching out for something that I wasn't fully aware of._

_And last but not least...four: NOBODY bothered us.__ Even Prowl's little checks were as unobtrusive as physically possible. Mostly he asked if I wanted him to care for the sparklings for any length of time or not, and then went about his business with no further trouble. I thought that was really odd._

_ I started to think I needed to get this all figured out...but I was really enjoying the time with my sparklings a lot._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: The 3000th review contest is still on...getting ever closer!  
**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	139. Journal Entry 139

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; the other shoes_

_ From time to time, I wondered what the others must be doing._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*3*9*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Twins were something special; and younglings were something special too. Skids and Mudflap were both and Arcee had grown protective of them long ago – nearer to the beginning of their affiliation with the Autobots – because of these things. Sure, they could be frustrating, sparklingish, and entirely irresponsible at times, but – as the femme would say – every youngling should be allowed to be a little dumb now and again. So what if they used up a little more than their fair share of it? Even Bumblebee acted older than his vorns because of the war. It was endearing to see that not everyone was so hardened by it.

Unlike Bumblebee, the younger twins – who were still older than the young scout – had not been raised as warriors. They had been created with a function set outside of war as delivery 'bots. They had been mere messengers for the faction at first, not warriors. Young mechs that had been useful to share information between outposts due to their unique connection. It was a job they still performed phenomenally when the need arose.

Like Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, they were split-sparks and could communicate with each other without needing the convenience of com links. Unlike the front-liner twins, Skids and Mudflap didn't possess the innate sense for violence making them less valuable actually on the battlefield as they had been as go-between for the different outposts. The tactic had been highly useful and widely used – despite the stress separation put on their sparks and emotional states – until twins started being sought out and destroyed on sight to prevent the information sharing.

The 'twin-hunt' was a horrible massacre that had been gruesome to witness from any angle. More often than not, only one twin was found and destroyed, leaving the other to suffer the sparkshock and high odds of eventual deactivation. Most 'bots chose to deactivate the sparkshocked twin, as opposed to letting them suffer since chances of survival were so minimal; it was deemed not worth the effort and by far the kinder action to take. Any split-spark twin would agree.

Well, most of them at any rate.

There were few split-spark twins in existence to begin with, but now they were so rare that the fact two pairs of them had been residing in the same solar system was pretty extraordinary.

Still, despite their age, Arcee couldn't help but to see Skids and Mudflap as the innocent younglings they had been when she had first met them and she enjoyed what time she could spend with them when duties weren't occupying her processor.

"I'm just saying it's...strange," Arcee shrugged as she settled against the tree that she had come to use as her personal relaxation spot. "I would have never seen it coming in a million vorns. Not to one of those two."

Not many of the humans came out this way very far, it was just inconvenient for them and it was a rather long walk anyway. However, Arcee and the younger twin 'bots found the place to be appealing – largely because the lack of population that actually did come out this way.

"Not gonna argue dat!" Skids agreed as he pretended to practice self-defense moves that Ironhide had been beating into them for the past several vorns. "But ya can't argue dat it's uh good thing."

"Good?" Mudflap protested as he kicked sand at his brother's false attempts at practice. "'Member wha Ratch' said ta us? Wha everyone says ta us all da time? Wha if dey offline 'cause o' it?" He shook his body dramatically as he continued. "Wha if uh whole lotta 'bots get offlined 'cause o' it?"

"You're being paranoid, Mudflap," Arcee reprimanded. "If nothing has happened by now, I'm sure nothing is going to."

"Wha 'bout Sunny?"

"That's different," she affirmed softly. Sure, what happened to the mech was unfortunate, but it wasn't going to be the deactivation of them all.

"How?" The red mech stomped around in the sand a little dramatically.

"'Bro! Stop worryin' so much!" Skids gave up his pretend practicing; he was pretty sure Arcee really didn't care anyway. "Why ya so geared up 'bout it anyway?"

"'Cause...maybe I heard somethin' dat maybe got me thinkin' is all..."

Arcee vented softly. Mudflap had always had a knack for getting his audios where they didn't belong. Sometimes, it was beneficial, but more often than not, whatever the small mech overheard got twisted way out of context in his processor. "What did you hear?"

Skids studied his twin critically. They didn't often separate from each other, even on base. He was trying to think of when Mudflap could have overheard something that he hadn't. "When?"

Mudflap shuffled a little, not entirely sure if he should share what he had overheard: it had been personal information after all and even he shouldn't have heard it. "'Member back when we was takin' turns helpin' Proxy take care o' da lil'ones durn' playtime? When she said she had ta go see Ratch'? An' I went ta get some energon fer dem cause dey was hungry, right?"

"You eavesdropped on Proxy's meeting with Ratchet?" Arcee wasn't sure if she was more interested in what Mudflap heard, or disappointed that the femme's privacy had been violated. She may not have had any real love for the strange femme, but that didn't mean she thought she deserved less than the respect given to any of them.

"I didn' mean ta! I just...kinda...heard it."

"Wha'd ya hear?" Skids couldn't help his curiosity. He didn't have much care for personal space or secrets really, so he didn't care that whatever his twin had overheard was technically under confidentiality clauses.

"Proxy asked 'bout maybe bondin' wif Sides..." he kicked at the sand again, obviously feeling guilty for what he had heard.

"That's no big surprise, Mud, I'm pretty sure everyone on base knew those two were out for each other."

"Yeah...well...but..." Mudflap stammered agitatedly.

"'Bots don think split-spark twins can bond," Skids added helpfully, feeling a bit disappointed at his brother's less than interesting news. "Ya knew dat, why ya actin' like uh glitch-head 'bout it?"

"'Cause, Skids! Dat ain't all I heard!" Now the red mech had the full attention of both his twin – who could feel the deep regret and pity running through his brother's spark – and Arcee who had heard notions regarding split-spark twins and bonding, but never anything that would stop them from being able to do so. "Proxy ain't normal. She ain't even like us, wit uh split-spark! Her spark is...somethin' dat ain't real. It's just pieces...lil' bits an' pieces all crammed together ta make uh spark!" The mech shook his head. "We thought we had it bad...nah...femme risks hurtin' uh lotta 'bots if she tries ta bond wif someone."

"Mudflap," Arcee spoke in a tone that screamed she didn't believe the younger mech. It was the tone of an elder speaking to a fibbing youth, "you know as well as anyone that isn't possible. You probably heard something that made you think that, but Proxy's spark is just like anyone else's. Maybe she's a little different, but she can't have a spark made up of bits and pieces. She couldn't live."

"I heard Ratch' say it, Arcee! Ratch' does lotsa mean things, but mech don' lie!"

"I'm sure that's not what he said..."

"Your spark is unstable," the red mech mocked the CMO's tone rather closely, "you can't take risks like that when we don't even know how many different pieces your spark is created from..." repetition was a skill of messengers. They may not always understand the information they were delivering, but they certainly had a knack for repeating. "He said she could cause mass deactivation if dere was any trouble."

"T-that can't be true..."

"Doc 'bot was prolly just bein' over da top..."

They hadn't been there, Mudflap lamented to himself. They hadn't heard the no-nonsense in Ratchet's voice. They hadn't heard the way Proxy's systems stuttered, the way her intakes all vented at once, the almost perceptible sound of her spark shattering. It hadn't been anything less than what he was telling them it was. "I hope it ain't true..."

"Boss-bot would tell us if dere was anythin' ta worry 'bout," Skids stated confidently. "Wouldn't he?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Optimus had spent several joors hiding away in his office. He would be lying if he tried to say it was anything _but_ hiding. No one would say as much to him, though he suspected that they were beginning to believe the same themselves.

He had gone to greet Proxy when Ratchet contacted him to alert him that she had come online successfully and that everything was as well as it could be for the time being, but what he had seen was the way the femme and her sparklings had been so excited to see each other. The way they reveled in each others' presences was moving, and deeply wounding to the Autobot leader. It was something he had almost entirely missed out on with his own creation, but he had done so to protect him. It had been what he thought was best. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Either way it was too late to change the past, but he could do something to change the future.

With a determined venting, the large mech steeled himself in preparation to face the proverbial fire and make things right. He had almost lost his chance entirely; he wouldn't waste the opportunity now. Making the connection, he called to the only other 'bot that shared a part of his spark other than his dear femme, Elita-One.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Things had been...difficult since their return from being captured. Starting with the obvious; the damages he had suffered from Starscream. The Seeker had taken severe offense to the damage he had caused to his wings and had taken extra time to ensure that even after his own door-wings were repaired, there would still be lingering pain. It wasn't horrible anymore, Ratchet had done a lot to repair the sensitive appendages but certain sensors were still too tender.

If spare parts weren't so difficult to come across, the damage would have been entirely replaced and there would be no lingering pain; but like so many other things, spare parts were in high demand and low production. The fact the medics had been able to compile enough for Proxy had been nothing short of a miracle.

Perhaps, if they hadn't needed to scramble together so much to save Proxy, there would have been enough resources to finish his repairs, but he didn't resent the femme for a klik for it. Bumblebee was far too relieved that she was still functional to care what he might have gotten; he could wait for his internal systems to repair what remained, even if it took longer than anyone really would care for.

Still, the lingering pains made his duties difficult at times. Extended time in his alt mode made his door-wings ache, but too long in his bipedal mode made the joints ache for trying to support the appendages. There really was no win for him, but he kept it to himself...or at least he tried to.

Sam always seemed to know when he was uncomfortable. It didn't matter if he didn't move a twitch, or made no sound at all, Sam always knew and he always apologized for keeping him busy when he was supposed to be recovering. It was Bumblebee's choice to keep up with his duties; Ratchet had released him to work as long as he 'took it easy'. After all, how difficult was it to escort his human liaison around? It was simple and he enjoyed doing it, but still Sam acted as if he were forcing the mech to go above and beyond just for him, which was the second of his difficulties.

Sam.

The human had been unharmed; aside from some bruises from mishandling, but there was something seriously off with his charge. Bumblebee had tried his best to get the young man to talk to him about what happened while they had been separated. He tried everything he could think of from honest interest to joking. It seemed the only thing he succeeded in doing was pushing Sam away.

'Why don't you take some time off,' Sam had said after one of Bumblebee's less subtle attempts at getting some answers. 'You really should relax and rest.'

How was he supposed to relax if he was constantly worried about Sam?

Bumblebee was at a loss as to what he should do. Currently, Sam was holed up in the human barracks in his personal quarters. As nice as the room had been made for the (technically) third human-Cybertronian liaison, the scout knew for a fact that Sam wasn't hiding there because it was luxurious – it was still a military room after all – but because the man was trying to avoid others.

The mech shifted his door-wings again as he readjusted himself against the building he was leaning on, trying to get comfortable as he sat waiting for Sam to make an appearance. Maybe he was just being paranoid. He still felt guilty for letting Sam be captured – even if everyone told him it wasn't his fault – and was a little uncomfortable when the man wasn't in his optical range.

Normally, Bumblebee would have gone to someone for a second opinion; someone that might share his point of view that could offer him some advice, but the 'bots he would normally go to were all similarly out of his reach.

His first choice would have been Sideswipe since the 'bot had been so close with his human charge...though on second thought maybe bringing up Aurian with the front-liner wasn't the best of ideas. He had been rather devastated by her death, but then again, that's what made him Bumblebee's first choice. Sideswipe knew what it was like to be so emotionally attached to a human so he would understand Bumblebee's worry.

Sunstreaker would have been the logical second...but...well; sometimes it was just easier not to think about the other front-liner.

Optimus was next on the young 'bot's list; only placed third because the Autobot leader had so much already piled on him that Bumblebee hated to bother him with his seemingly trivial problems. It wasn't like Sam was in danger or anything, just...troubled. It wasn't enough to run to Optimus for. Not yet anyway.

'Maybe I should talk to Ironhide,' Bumblebee thought as he adjusted again. It really seemed as if Sam intended to spend the rest of the day inside anyway. It probably wouldn't hurt if he slipped away for a few breems... 'He'd probably tell me I'm overreacting.' The Scout vented forlornly. Nobody else had seemed to think there was anything wrong with Sam, but then, nobody else knew him as well as Bumblebee did.

::Bumblebee?::

The scout was surprised by the private com, but more by the tone of the Autobot leader than by the com itself. Optimus sounded...nervous? Unsure?

::What's wrong, Optimus?:: Whatever it was, Bumblebee would do everything in his power to help.

::I need to speak with you...privately, if you have a moment?::

::Of course!:: The young mech leaped to his feet, only wincing slightly at the jarring pain the quick movement had caused. He had taken a few steps towards Optimus's office before hesitating. 'What about Sam?' He considered the situation for a few kliks before deciding he didn't need to be waiting in ambush for the man; when Sam needed him, he would call for him. ::On my way.::

Trotting across the base, mindful of the humans trying to move about their own business, Bumblebee couldn't help but to wonder what it was the Autobot leader wanted with him. Was it a mission? He rarely sent him out on missions anymore due to his post as Sam's guardian, which he was just fine with for the most part. After all, watching over Sam was almost like getting the chance to live the life of a youngling instead of the life of a highly trained warrior.

Maybe something had happened...oh, how he hoped that wasn't the reason. Things 'happening' generally turned out to be bad and he wasn't prepared for more bad news. Not right now.

Taking a deep intake of cool air, the scout tapped a short rhythm against Optimus's office door and waited for his reply.

The door opened almost immediately and inside stood Optimus with a half smile and a worried look on his face.

_"What's goin' on?"_

"I have something very important to tell you. Something...I should have told you many, many vorns ago." The large mech paused, uncertainty quickly coming back to him as he looked upon the eager face of the youngling before him.

_"__I'm listening now..."_

Again, Optimus smiled. Something about the way Bumblebee was always willing to just _be _there was amazing. It warmed his spark to see the kindness in the young mech, despite everything he had been through. "I have kept a secret that was meant to protect you; however, I fear that perhaps I may have done more harm by keeping it to myself." He stepped forward, placing his hands on the scout's strong yellow armored shoulders. "Your creator...has been with you all this time, and I am ashamed I did not act the part."

Bumblebee stared at the mech before him blankly for quite some time. He felt...motionless, emotionless, completely void of any sensation at all. Had Optimus really just said what he thought he had just said? "What?" He asked in a staticky voice, his processor far too labored to find a useful sound clip.

"Sit," Optimus commanded as he guided the stunned mech to a chair. "We should talk. I am sure you have many questions of me. I hope that you can forgive me my distance; at the time, it seemed the most appropriate action to take."

It seemed the act of sitting kick started Bumblebee's processor back into motion, a thousand questions swarmed him all at once and his vocalizer struggled to bring the thoughts to sound, but was failing miserably.

"Bumblebee, calm yourself," deciding to take a chance, Optimus did the only thing he could think of to help his youngling – _his_ youngling...it still felt odd to him to finally admit it – as he struggled with his long healing injury. He reached out to him through his spark, through a bond that had laid mostly dormant through almost all of Bumblebee's life.

He was only slightly stunned when the young mech didn't even hesitate to accept the nudge and opened his end of their creator-creation bond; however, he was thoroughly blindsided by the draw and push of information and emotion coming from the youngling. Questions roared loudly, overlapping, and needing answers drawing at his spark; emotions flowed like endless rivers craving return from vorns of absence.

Optimus felt both elated and ashamed; how could he have waited so long for something so wonderful? 'We have time,' he assured the youngling, 'no need to rush.'

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Ironhide looked up at the sky. He both hated and loved that clear blue atmosphere that obscured the stars beyond through half of this planets solar cycle.

Somewhere beyond that border was his femme, and he knew she was on her way to him, but he couldn't see her. The daylight hours blocked the stars away, keeping him from searching for some sign that she was there, but it also stopped him from seeing the stars he knew she was among right now. His spark wanted nothing more than to feel her close again, to know she was more with him than away from him, but he didn't want to feel the pain of their separation, so kept his spark from calling out to his bonded. She would be here eventually...he could wait. They had waited so long already, what was a little longer?

He tried to think of other things; mostly of his weapons-in-development, the approved upgrades to their human comrades' weapons, and how to keep Optimus's promise to share information without sharing the information that would most likely lead the natives of this planet into a power war. It was a very careful game of checks and balance; one he really wasn't prepared to play but had little choice in the matter.

He had become accustomed to Aurian running interference for him; easily taking the high road for her species and eliminating the need for him to try and explain why he could help upgrade the weapons for N.E.S.T. – a group specifically designed to help defend the planet against ill-meaning Cybertronians, and whatever else may show up – but couldn't simply hand over information to country governments to do with as they pleased.

Her demise had been harmful in so many ways and a lot of negotiations had turned to near wars; but then Sam had stepped up, and the boy had talent. Things didn't always go quite as smoothly, he wasn't quite prepared to think on the level of politicians yet, but he had still managed to bring the boiling down to a steady simmer. Then Proxy had joined him and everything had been near perfect from his perspective. He never had to deal with irate humans demanding his knowledge of weapons; between the human boy and the unusual femme, the power-hungry politicians found themselves running in circles so tight they couldn't tell what they were really chasing after anymore.

Ironhide couldn't even begin to imagine what kind of team the humans would have made had Sam taken up the mantle sooner – but there was nothing to be done about the past. No matter how much he missed the spunky human femme, she was never coming back and that was all there was to it.

Still, Proxy had some wonderful traits – if he excluded all the infuriating quirks she had – the femme was a good stand-in for Aurian. He even found himself enjoying the young femme's presence when he spent time with her, though he made it as little as possible. It wasn't that he didn't _want_ to spend time with her, really. It was just that there were so many similar traits she shared with Aurian, he could easily see the femme putting herself in a similar situation someday, and right now, he simply didn't want to become close to another being he might have to face the destruction of. Pit, it had nearly come to pass only a few orns ago.

Honestly, he had been more afraid for the twins than he had for the others, a fact he wasn't entirely proud of considering those that had been taken captive. They had latched onto Proxy so completely that he was more than a little positive that her deactivation would mean theirs as well. It was far too soon after Aurian's destruction for them to be able to handle yet another strike at their sparks...

The thought gave him a moment of pause.

He had just accepted when the pair started treating the femme as if she were connected to them that he hadn't even given it much thought. They treated Proxy as if she were a part of their sparks. They had treated her much the same as they had treated Aurian, right down to responding when the femme went through some glitch even if they weren't there to witness it. They had known when she fled the base. They had _known _when the liaisons' plane had been struck down. They had _KNOWN_ where to find Proxy...

"Those slaggers..." he griped even as he continued to recall little hints here and there. They had known because they really had some form of connection with the femme. But...how?

The most recent events echoed in his processor like a plasma pellet burning through a ten-ton shield.

Sideswipe.

His meltdown had led him directly to the femme, and then he had been fine. He was the one who always seemed affected the worst when anything concerning Proxy happened. He had been the one able to carry the femme's spark home to safety...

Were they bonded? Why hadn't they told anyone? Why hadn't _Ratchet_ told anyone? Did that explain Sunstreaker? But if they had bonded before, then why did it only affect the second twin now?

Then his spark pulsed painfully, reminding him of the cost of being bonded in the middle of a war stretched across the multiverse. He groaned as all other thoughts fled his processor and he focused on trying to quell the pain again, reining in his spark from seeking its bonded counterpart.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Bluestreak sat uncomfortably in the hub – a very quiet hub after the recent Decepticon rout – beside a mech he still had some uncertainty about.

Prowl had been no trouble to anyone since the moment he had come back online from his reformatting. As a matter of fact, the mech was very helpful in ways that had been missing from the largely decimated ranks of the Autobots. He wasn't very emotional, he saw things most 'bots just looked over, and he was quick at putting facts together in a very compelling way.

There was really no reason for the younger mech to feel uncomfortable with his current company, but he did.

Presently they were scanning the constant transmissions from Teletran Unknown – which had recently been relocated to a more convenient place within the hub – and waiting for any response from incoming 'bots. While several had made contact and reported that they were on their way, none were within range to begin planning their landings just yet.

Prowl had volunteered for the duty and Optimus himself had approved it. Since the mech had been working with Proxy so closely, hardly anyone had any remaining reservations about his ability to work alongside the N.E.S.T. team. The only real issue had arrived with the return of the captured liaison team; Sam hadn't said anything outright, but the man had displayed clear distrust in Prowl's presence.

"So..." Bluestreak offered to the silence of the room. Prowl didn't make any physical indication that he had heard the mech, but that didn't deter the younger 'bot from continuing as if he had responded. "What do you plan to do? I mean, with your life? Well, maybe not your whole life, but right now? Are you going to stay Neutral? It's not a bad thing if you do, there's plenty of good Neutrals out there...not that I've met any recently, but that doesn't mean they're not still out there somewhere. I hope they're out there anyway. It would be really terrible if they were really all gone and all that was left were you and Proxy...though I'm not entirely sure Proxy's considered a Neutral anymore. Is she? Do you know? Not that you should know or anything I just figured since you two work together so much you might know. Unless she hasn't told you or something. She has plenty of secrets, you know? Everyone does I guess but I can't help but think that she's got a few more than the rest of us. Then again, that might just be me being paranoid. I get accused of that from time to time; some 'bots say I worry about too much all at once and it makes me a little jumpy. I don't think I'm jumpy. Well, no more than anyone else anyway. It's kind of a side effect of where we are. And it's my job to worry about things anyway. It comes with the security post; it's in my programming. Speaking of programming...what are you programmed for? Were you programmed? I guess you had to of been programmed for something but there's really no point in reformatting a mech into a specialized function considering we all kind of have to do everything now. You don't, I guess. You're free to choose what you want to do, aren't you? What do you think you want to do?"

Prowl had paused in his work a third of the way through the younger mech's inquiry...well, inquiries...mostly anyway. He hadn't worked with Bluestreak a lot, though he had heard rumors of the mech's ability to ramble. Still, he was a bit stunned at first.

When Bluestreak paused to draw in some cool air, Prowl took the opportunity to speak. "I plan to remain doing what I can do until something more fitting crosses my path. I have not made my decision whether or not it is appropriate for me to sign in with the Autobot faction or not. Proxy is still listed as Neutral for the time being, though she has stated on occasion of wishing to officially align herself with the Autobot faction; if you would like more information on that, you should speak with her. Her secrets are hers to keep or share as she sees fit, no matter the number of them. I have not observed you to be paranoid at this point; however, I have not worked alongside you long enough to give any kind of conclusive opinion to that observation. 'Jumpy' is simply a state of stress – recharge and self-security will help eliminate that. Your job is to be observant, not to worry – as stated in your official description. My programming is much the same as it was before, as far as I am aware. I function in tactics and that is good enough for the time being. Sufficient?"

"Uh..."

Jazz had entered mid return-speech and found himself amused by the seeming bemusement of the younger mech. "Wow, Prowler, ya managed ta make Blue' speechless! Ah never thought Ah'd see th' day!"

"N-no one has ever answered me like that," Bluestreak stammered. "I mean, I don't mean to ask so many questions all at once, they just kind of fall out I guess. Most 'bots just get annoyed with me, tune it out, and never say anything. You actually listened to everything I said!"

"It appears his ability to speak is entirely intact," Prowl stated as he looked to the new arrival. "You are not scheduled to be here for another fifteen breems, Jazz. Has something happened?"

"Yeah," the mech huffed as he took a seat in front of one of the large monitors. "Ah got bored. Everyone's holed up somewhere actin' like th' world don't exist er somethin'."

Bluestreak ignored Prowl's statement easily enough; he was used to remarks on his talking, that was something he knew how to ignore. "What do you mean?"

"Just seems like everyone's got somethin' ta keep them busy today. Ya two are here; th' medics an' 'Jack an' Percy are holed up like nervous glitchmice, Optimus has been hidin' away since we got back..." he shook his head dismissively. "Ya know what Ah mean?"

"Oh, yeah. I guess I see it. I hadn't really paid all that much attention to what everyone was doing, really. Was just busy being thankful things are quiet after all that...it could have all gone so bad. We all got lucky – especially Proxy..."

"Yeah," Jazz agreed easily.

"She seems to be taking it all rather well, though," Prowl offered as he returned more of his attention to the monitors than to the current conversation.

"That's th' thing, though, Prowler. Sides' hasn't told her yet. Don't know how all that'll blow over."

Bluestreak made a somewhat perturbed sound. "How could she _not_ know?"

"Well, Blue'...see, there's some things 'bout Proxy that just aren't like th' rest o' us."

"What's that supposed to mean? She's a 'bot, right?"

"Yes," Prowl answered firmly.

"Yeah," Jazz agreed, "she's uh 'bot."

"Then what makes her so different? Other than her weird personality and randomness?"

The saboteur laughed at the comment as if it had been the punch line to the best joke he had ever heard. "Those are side effects, not th' cause."

"It really isn't anyone's place to speculate why Proxy is dissimilar from the standards of the remaining Cybertronian populace," Prowl warned.

"Yeah, yeah, yer right Prowler."

"I...don't get it," Bluestreak struggled to put Jazz's reaction and Prowl's warning together in a way that made some kind of sense.

"Well, ya see..." just as Jazz leaned forward to lure the younger mech deeper into the confusion that surrounded Proxy, a buzzing alarm started to sound.

"Incoming," Prowl pointed out easily as he switched from a passive monitoring to an aggressive search. "No clear signal yet."

"Ah'll alert Optimus," Jazz offered as he too turned to his station to begin searching out the incoming body – whether it was 'bot or trash, they needed to know before the thing approaching knew it was arriving.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Things weren't always as they seemed. Beachcomber knew that. He knew it better than anyone on this base...well, most anyone anyway. Optimus was pretty good at looking past the surface. That's why he liked his leader so much. He would do anything Optimus said because Optimus knew that there was sometimes more than just what one could see behind the story. Optimus was a good mech.

He looked at the sea; the calm waters gently pushing at the sands beneath his feet and he knew that the ocean wasn't calm. Not at all. It was in turmoil as something beneath the surface stirred to life. He wasn't sure what that was; maybe it was organic life, or planetary movement, or maybe just a shift in the tide. It didn't really matter, he knew something was about to happen and he was ready for it.

Change. That was it. Things were about to change. He smiled as he felt the winds turn from a lazy easterly breeze to a barely registered southern breath. Yes, change was coming and it was going to be a good thing.

::Seaspray, you busy?::

::What's up Beachcomber?::

::Nothing much, I was just wondering if you were busy. Are you on patrol now?::

::Yeah, south shore. Nothing's really going on though, why? You need something?::

::You're about to be busy. Keep your head up, okay?::

::What's that supposed to mean?::

Beachcomber laughed. ::Just...look up.::

::I'm looking, what am I supposed to be...what the slag is that?::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"I thought you said that no one was due in for at least another three months!" Will was doing his best to get everyone moving into position, but he couldn't help his annoyance at the rush. If they had known there was an incoming, they could have been ready already; but they had just gotten the warning half an hour ago that there was an incoming.

"Sorry," Jazz shrugged, "we're just as surprised as ya."

"But, why? I thought that big machine was supposed to get a hold of anyone coming in."

"It is...it did!" Bluestreak stammered as he struggled to help clear the area. "We just didn't get the contact until today; which I guess kind of defeats the purpose but its not the machine's fault, it did what it was designed to do..." the mech was frustrated enough with the rush of preparing for the incoming, but he was also just as frustrated at the lack of information they had been provided. The incoming hadn't had any kind of identifying marker; just a beacon to alert them – if they were listening with some highly tuned machine... – that someone was coming in. Well, more than that, really. 'Someones' was more like it. A ship, but not one they could identify. It had an amazing scan deflection rig and they were struggling to pick it up on any other device. "I mean, if it wasn't for Teletran Unknown we wouldn't even know the ship was coming and that would have been way worse than this. We wouldn't have been prepared at all and they could have crashed, or worse; they could be attacking and we wouldn't have been covered. We would all just be sitting on our afts waiting for something to show up and BAM!"

"Bluestreak," Beachcomber called softly, "I don't think you're helping the situation, buddy. Calm down, I'm sure they're friendly."

Seaspray glared at the calm mech over his shoulder, daring to take his optics off the mark in the sky that showed the incoming ship. "How can you tell?"

Shrugging, Beachcomber turned back to his task. "Just a feeling."

"Just a feeling..." Will sighed. Beachcomber was one of the oddest mechs he had met yet. Sure, Proxy was weird – though now he was sure he understood why – but Beachcomber seemed like someone who would have been far happier living far away from anything that could have been considered war, or civilization for that matter. "This is great. Well, no offense to your feelings, Beachcomber, but I think we'll just keep preparing for the worst, just in case."

"Of course!" The mech laughed. "Sometimes things aren't what they seem after all."

"Right." The man agreed as he abandoned his previous post to move to another that needed some attention.

The base had moved out to intercept the incoming ship; jets were scrambled to escort it to the landing zone – of which they were currently trying to finish clearing before the ship had to use it – and soldiers were sent to set up perimeters around the area with Ironhide's new designs to ensure that if the incoming ship contained ill-willed aliens, they were prepared to stop them.

At the very least, they were all feeling a little bit of pressure. All available 'bots had been called out; including Optimus and a rather dazed-looking Bumblebee.

Ironhide was helping with the weapons set up, grumbling the whole time about any good Autobots would have lit up by now so they would know it was comrades coming in so it had to be 'Con's and they should have just shot them down the second they were in range.

"But what if it's a civilian ship?" Gears asked. "Those things don't have any way of announcing faction anyway, they're lucky they can make it through the atmosphere. I wouldn't be surprised if the whole crew inside were deactivated and it's a completely dead ship coming in anyway."

"Whatever the case may be," Optimus intersected, "we will treat this situation with caution. We will not fire until we know for sure whether the occupants are friend or foe, and we will update our sensor net to register the scanner block this ship is equipped with so that we can hopefully avoid a similar situation in the future."

"We should put up automated stationary turrets too. It'll keep us from having to scramble like this in the future." Ironhide added.

"Further security measures should be considered," Optimus agreed. "However, for the moment we should focus on what is here now." The Autobot leader studied the falling object in the distance. They had been able to hear it for quite some time now and the closer it got the clearer it was that the ship wasn't holding up well. He was beginning to wonder if it would even make it to the landing sight. ::Prowl, any contact?::

::None so far, Optimus Prime. They are not turning away our hails though, there may be damage to their communications.::

::Thank you, keep trying.::

::Very well.::

"Ship don't look like no battle cruiser," Skids stated rather confidently as he and his brother returned to the area being prepped for landing.

Mudflap jerked his thumb over his shoulder in reference to the incoming ship. "Looks like uh sad excuse fer uh shipper, really. No nothin' on it nowhere."

"Prob'ly lucky dey got dis far anyway."

"Great," Gears threw his hands up in the air dramatically, "probably means it doesn't have any landing gear either. We might as well just get ready to shovel dirt in over them. Even if they're functional right now, they won't be for long."

"Clear out!" Bluestreak shouted as the loud rumble of the ship's struggling engines started to drown out any useful conversation.

The shipper wasn't very large, almost a private ship, about half the size of the cargo planes N.E.S.T. had acquired to ship the Autobots around. The most the craft could hope to hold was six, though no one bothered to even consider the maximum number of occupants on such a shoddy vehicle.

It keened loudly before the engines gave completely, leaving the ship to fall the last several feet to the ground with metal bending force. Parts flew in various directions, unable to hold against the stress of a hard landing. To say the very least, the ship would never fly again.

No one moved as the beast settled, metal groaning miserably, engines coughing black smoke. Then the door seal cracked and the internal pressure hissed to match that of the external pressure allowing the door to begin opening; however the first thing that anyone saw was a streak of large black mass rush the ship and rip the door from its failing hinges, and then the large mech vanished within.

::Okay...:: Rob spoke up over the human/Cybertronian com system. ::What just happened?::

::Not sure,:: Jazz answered, ::but Ah think he knew who was on board.:: There was an obvious tone of suggestion to the mech's voice.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry _continued_; long time promises_

_ Some of them have been fulfilled._

_ The ship – which to the credit of the younger twins _was_ indeed a shipping transport that a small, struggling crew of Autobots had managed to acquire at some point during their travels – was quickly dubbed nothing but scrap and torn apart for use in other things. It was Cybertronian in build, so provided a large amount of native materials for the Cybertronians to make repairs with. Highly desired materials for much needed repairs, I might add._

_ The shipper had provided the crew with a little more speed and a great deal more comfort than traveling through space in their individual shell forms; which, as desperately low on energon as the travelers were, was a good thing despite all the downfalls of the ship itself._

_ Most of them were in emergency stasis mode to conserve what energy they had left. They had put all their faith in the transmission they had received and the coordinates they had programmed into the navigational system, which happened to be the _only_ thing on the ship that had seemed to work right._

_ There had only been one that had actually been functional during the decent, though the 'bot had been far too low on energon to make any contact...she had been wrenched from stasis by something much stronger – by the same thing that had Ironhide acting like the proverbial pissed off grizzly bear until he had the femme in his arms and assured himself that she was there and mostly all right. Chromia had finally arrived._

_ The femme's drones, Elita One and Moonracer mimics, had long since been rendered inactive and what energon they carried scavenged to support the other crew members; a green (or at least I think he was green...he was so filthy it was hard to tell) mech that went by the name of Hound, a black and red mech that was called Trailbeaker, and a very sorry-looking blue colored mech registered as Blurr._

_ You know...I knew I knew all of these 'bots because of Aurian's memories of what she had so fondly called 'the Fandom', but I _felt_ like I knew them on a more personal level than that. Seeing them all in such sad condition, starving and in stasis, made my spark ache horribly._

_ Ratchet assured everyone that the crew would recover, but it would take some time. Still, it was disappointing for them to show up in such a condition._

_ Well, at the very least, it was nice to see Ironhide and Chromia together again. Bond-mates were so...special. It was amazing to see a pair in person. Funny thing though, the way a lot of the 'bots looked at them when they were together was a lot like how a lot of them looked at Sides and I when we were together...I think I'm missing something._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Note: The 3000th review contest has been won! Congratulations to 1st place (3000th reviewer) Starcee138! 2nd and 3rd place will be announced upon confirmation of acceptance. ^_^ and a special thanx to writer12354 ~ you know what you've done. Details to be listed at the end of the next chapter.**

**All Bumblebee's clips belong to their respective song/movies/tv shows and/or commercials that I raked them out of.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	140. Journal Entry 140

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; deja vu _

_So, you know those days when you wake up and everything just seems normal and then you find out that everything is definitely not normal?_

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*0*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sideswipe couldn't decide what he found so incredibly amazing about the simplicity before him, but it was beyond amazing and his processor had frozen mid thought, leaving him to gaze wistfully and thoughtlessly at the image of Proxy sitting on the floor with several of the sparklings gathered around her. She was drawing crude images on a large sheet of paper with something that was black and greasy, but the femme didn't seem to mind the unpleasantness of the substance as she continued to chant melodically.

"Circle, triangle, square; sphere, pyramid, cube."

He couldn't imagine why she was going through the efforts of teaching them such basic things when they could download the information far quicker, but there were many things he couldn't imagine and so kept his concerns to himself.

"Heart, star, diamond."

It seemed not even Blindside was exempt from these lessons as the tiny mech held a black greasy marker in one of his hands and scribbled out shapes alongside his caretaker. What was most impressive was the fact that his slightly askew forms were strikingly similar to the shapes Proxy was demonstrating.

"Bird!" Sirenrein demanded as she plopped down and began aggressively stabbing her own grease maker on the paper.

"Is that what a bird looks like?" Proxy questioned playfully.

"Bird!" The sparkling demanded again as she repeated the action.

It was at that precise moment that trouble began to stir within the tiny processor of one of the other sparklings. Sideswipe could see it clearly as the little one glanced at the grease markers and then down at his empty hands, then over to Sirenrein, and then back again. The older mech thought he _should_ do something, but what would have been the fun in that?

Ricochet scooted over to the small collection of yet unclaimed grease markers and claimed one for each empty hand, then returned to sit beside his sister and scribbled innocently at the paper with one of the makers while the other was quickly put to use coloring her indigo plating black with little designs. The femme hardly noticed the attentions of her brother as she focused on trying to recreate the image of a bird she had seen before.

This went on until Ricochet was using both markers and getting rather into his doodles on his sister and Sirenrein finally realized what he had been up to.

She looked over her marked plating with something between curiosity and pure rage and she turned on the little red mech before he could fully comprehend that the consequences for his actions might not have been worth it.

With the first shriek from Sirenrein as the little femme leaped to maul her younger brother, Stardust was moving to aid her sister in doling out the proper punishment, and Ferropax was attempting to stop her.

Rebound was moving quickly to help his brother escape, only to be caught in the young femme's rage as well.

Openrange and Freefall eagerly cheered on the squabble, throwing whatever they could grab at the trio in an apparent effort to raise the level of conflict, while Cascade tried futilely to get them to stop.

Proxy was just moving to quell the disturbance when suddenly Blindside stood up, stomped his way to the middle of everything and stood as if he were some great imposing force not to be denied. "Stop!" He demanded in an alarmingly harsh voice for a mech so young; and to the surprise of the two adults in the room, everyone did.

Ferropax and Stardust quickly went to Sirenrein and pulled her away from Ricochet, allowing Rebound to gather his twin and likewise retreat. Openrange and Freefall started picking up the things they had thrown and putting them back where they believed they had once belonged, and Cascade quickly went to her young brother's side, making soft but pleasant sounds that seemed meant to calm the small blue-green mech quickly.

"Well then..." Proxy stated in awe. She had never really heard Blindside speak aside from small sounds of displeasure or happiness. He had always seemed a little less interested in words and vocalization than she had thought he should have, but now she knew he was learning how to speak just fine. "I think maybe it is time for some recharge. Lets clean up and head to our berths shall we?"

"I think that sounds like a great idea!" Sideswipe added, unable to resist the thought of having a little bit of quiet with Proxy while the sparklings rested. They really didn't have a whole lot of time with just the two of them, and though he knew that she would never forgo time with the sparklings, he sometimes wished they could ask someone else to watch them for a day. 'Maybe once she's settled...' he kept telling himself as each day passed.

Proxy was a caretaker right to her core and she was good at it. She seemed to get so much out of spending time with the sparklings that he had to wonder just what she would have ever done without any of them.

The task of getting the sparklings down for recharge had been surprisingly easy and the two older 'bots soon found themselves sprawled out on the furniture in the receiving room enjoying the momentary reprieve.

"Sides," Proxy finally asked, though she didn't move from her comfortable position on the couch, "where's Sunny?"

The silver front-liner visibly tensed at the question, a soft sound escaping him that clearly said he had been dreading this moment.

Proxy lifted her head, concern quickly taking over her. "What happened? Is he okay?"

"He's...functional." Sideswipe leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs and studying the floor. "I don't know about okay though."

"What happened?" She reached for the link to the golden twin that had always been there only to find that – while it was still there – it was different. Changed somehow. "Primus, Sideswipe! What happened to him?"

"It's complicated..."

"Sideswipe!"

"Our bond was...altered."

Silence hung over the room like a storm waiting to break. Proxy just stared openly at Sideswipe with a mix of disbelief and fear. Sideswipe simply sat, still turning over the fact himself. He was pretty sure he would never get used to it, but saying it out loud still made his insides grind in ways that weren't natural.

"A-altered? How?"

Sideswipe looked up from the spot on the floor he had been contemplating to the femme sitting across from him. She looked so afraid, so confused, so...so much like he was sure he had looked when he had discovered the lack of his brother's spark so close to his own. A small smile found it's way to his face as he remembered that he could accept what had happened, because of what it had given him. "You."

Had she been human, Proxy would have paled to near ghost white. Her heart would have stopped beating and she would have forgotten how to breathe. As it was, her inner mechanisms came to a halt and she could feel her spark turn cold.

Feeling the distress in the femme growing, Sideswipe quickly moved to be beside her. "It's okay, Proxy. We'll be okay, it's just taking some time to get used to is all."

"It can't be true!" She couldn't even gather her thoughts in a way that would allow her to accept what Sideswipe had said. "It can't be! What did I do? How do I undo it?"

"Proxy..."

"I'll do anything! Just tell me what to do!"

"Proxy!" He grabbed her hands and forced her to turn towards him. "It's okay. I...don't want to undo this," he reached to her through their bond – a bond that was stronger than Proxy had remembered it being – and opened himself to her. He wanted this, had wanted this for a very long time. He was sad that he couldn't reach his brother the same way they had always had, but he knew they would survive. Well, sad wasn't exactly the right word for it. He mourned the loss deeply, like a wound that would never heal, but he accepted it because of what it meant. "When I thought you were gone, I had been ready to give up. I didn't want to keep functioning anymore.

"It's funny because, at that moment, I quit hearing Sunstreaker at all. I didn't feel him, I didn't see him...it was like I was all alone. I'd never felt like that before, but I didn't care because I thought you were gone.

"Then there was this...whisper...I guess. Something inside me that told me that you were still there and that was when I knew that I didn't care what else happened, I needed you to be with me forever. When Sam gave me your spark, I didn't think twice. I didn't think at all...I just acted."

Proxy tried to see what Sideswipe was getting to, what point was coming from his retelling of her rescue, but she wasn't understanding. "I don't know what you're trying to tell me. What does this have to do with Sunstreaker?"

"Proxy, the only way to keep your spark safe was to keep it inside a spark chamber. Yours was destroyed. There was nowhere else to keep it but inside someone elses..."

"Yours?"

"Yeah..."

Thoughts finally started turning in her processor again. "So you put my spark with yours, in your spark chamber?"

"Yeah."

It finally struck her what Sideswipe had been avoiding all this time; his secret that he wanted to share so badly but hadn't found the courage to do so. "We're spark-bonded?"

"I'm sorry, Proxy. There was no other way I could think of at the time and I was afraid of loosing you again. I couldn't take it..." He found himself cut off as the femme pulled her hands away from him and stood.

"We're sparkmates?"

"Please, don't be angry." Sideswipe was reaching for her through their bond, and while he found that she wasn't pushing him away, she wasn't opening up to him either.

"We're _sparkmates_ and you didn't tell me?"

"I know I should have said something...I tried to tell you so many times..."

Proxy turned away from him and took a few steps, turned back towards him with a look of anger, then turned away again. "I have never been so...so fraggin' angry...and _happy_ at the same time ever in all of my memories!" When she turned back to face him, the conflict was clear in her every feature. "How did he take it?"

"Sunny...said he was happy for us." Sideswipe would never forget that moment. The moment when he looked at his twin and could see the pain and anguish on his face, but couldn't _feel_ any of it. He couldn't comfort him the only way he knew how and that had been the worst feeling he had ever known...no, it was the second worst. Still, seeing his brother without feeling him in his spark had been difficult. He didn't _know_ how Sunstreaker was taking it, he could only go off of what he said. "He says it will be okay..."

"But you don't think so?"

"I don't know what to think. I have you, but what does he have?" Once again the front-liner found that the floor held more gravity than it had right to, and he was staring at a void spot, trying not to think about the missing bond between his brother and himself.

"He still has us," the femme promised as she sat beside her mech. _Her mech_; a thought which gave her a strange fluttering sensation all over.

"It's not the same though...we've never been alone like that. Never. Even when we've been separated we still weren't _alone_."

"Sides," Proxy reached deep into her spark, into the bond that still lingered with the golden twin, and demanded some sort of response from him. His response was dull, distant, but there. Then she opened her bond to Sideswipe fully, and brought the brothers together within her. "He is not alone."

The connection was like liquid fire with so many emotions pouring through that they became jumbled and mixed, no one of them was sure which came from who or where. It wasn't the same, it was far more separate, far less open, but it was a connection and both brothers latched onto it like a coveted treasure. Proxy was nearly overwhelmed as the two very different bonds collided and emotions seeped through her from one to the other.

She wasn't sure how long the exchange had gone on, but was a little surprised when Sunstreaker seemed to call an end to the 'meeting' and retreated from the bond. He didn't close himself off from her completely, but enough that he was no longer a clear and present consciousness within her.

Sideswipe sat holding Proxy in his lap close to his chest with his head resting on top of hers. The femme wasn't entirely sure when they had gotten like this, but she wasn't going to complain.

"You'll always have him, and he'll always have you," she promised softly, though in her spark she couldn't find strength to believe her own words.

The silver mech didn't respond verbally, but thanked her with all of his spark through their bond. He had Proxy, and through her, he still had some connection to his brother. It was a life change – a pretty painful one at that – but it was one he was pretty sure he could handle; and one that Sunstreaker promised he was alright with even if it scared him a little...or a lot.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

All in all, by human records, the small team had been gone for two months. Apparently tracking down their target had been a little more difficult than any of them had expected, but their return was surrounded by an air of victory.

Mirage lead the team proudly, a clear sign that he was pleased with their results, followed closely by a muttering Grapple, and with Sunstreaker trailing behind.

Everyone saw that something was off with the golden front-liner, but nobody – not even the 'bots that knew what had happened – truly understood what was different with the mech. He seemed almost blank on the outside, like all of his focus was turned inward. It was almost creepy.

Optimus came to greet the team as they disembarked from the ship that had carried them home, and was pleased to see that they were all there. "I trust you found everything?"

"Yes, sir," Mirage assured his leader. "All tactical information was located and downloaded or destroyed as ordered."

"Good." The large mech's optics shifted ever so slightly to the quiet front-liner, then back to the slight, blue mech before him.

Mirage noted the movement, and just as subtlety nodded his head confirming that the secondary part of the mission had been achieved.

"Very good. Mirage, report for debriefing, Grapple and Sunstreaker, you are now off duty for the next orn. Welcome home."

"One orn for all our trouble...yeah, thanks," Grapple grumbled as he stomped away.

"Is that guy ever thankful for anything?" Will asked from his position on a raised platform near the dock the ship had come in on. He had no need to be there, but he had come anyway eager to see soldiers returning from a successful mission. It always made him feel better when a team returned intact – it didn't matter if they were human or 'bot, so long as they were alive.

"Rarely," Mirage stated with a heavy amount of disapproval before he too headed off.

Optimus looked to the last mech of the team with concern. "Sunstreaker?" The front-liner had not moved any, and looked to have no intention of doing so any time soon. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he snapped and turned away, though he didn't seem to have any planned destination as he went.

Will was surprised by the quick shift in apparent temper, but knew not to say anything to the golden twin. While he wasn't completely up to speed on what had happened, he understood that something _had_ happened and Sunstreaker was in need of time to come to terms. "Things are certainly never boring with you guys around, that's for sure."

Optimus only chuckled slightly before turning to head for his meeting with Mirage. "Will you be joining the debriefing?"

"No, I think I'll pass this time. 'Hide and I are going to take Chromia home for the weekend, promised him some 'away time' with his mate and the farm is pretty secluded. I'm sure you'll tell me anything I need to know."

"Of course."

"Good! Then I'll see you on Monday. Don't work too hard, big guy!"

"Enjoy your time with your family, Will."

With a wave the man was gone leaving Optimus to his task at hand. He only paused for a moment longer to watch Sunstreaker's retreating form, wondering just how the young mech was really handling everything.

Everyone had been so sure when Ratchet announced the separation, that one, if not both of the twins would suffer severe breakdowns and possibly offline. Both of them had been watched very closely for a good while after they had come back online; and at first, they had reacted very negatively thinking the other had been deactivated. After some serious counseling the twins had come to some form of terms with the separation and had spent several orns just being as close to each other as they could, to reassure themselves that they were both still there, still functioning. It had been a painful process to watch.

Then, when Proxy had finally been deemed stable, Sideswipe had been nearly thrown out by his brother. Sunstreaker demanded Sideswipe go to her and be with her, that he didn't need him to hold his hand; they were both grown mechs and could handle this on their own...but that had been the thing of it. Sideswipe clearly wasn't going to have to deal with it alone, while Sunstreaker was.

The mech had stormed into Optimus's office demanding off-base duty. He said he needed to get away, to figure himself out without having to deal with everyone always looking over him like he was an injured sparkling.

At first Optimus had refused. Sunstreaker was still injured, he needed time to recover; however, the desperation he could sense coming off the front-liner had been near stifling. He couldn't deny the mech the distance he requested, but he also couldn't allow him complete solitude so he had decided recon might be the perfect solution.

The Autobots had allowed themselves to become far too lax on the search for the Decepticons after the event in Egypt. Somehow, after the Fallen had been destroyed and Megatron driven off, they had felt some level of confidence that the Decepticons might have actually retreated from the planet. They knew better now and needed to recover as much information as they could on their enemies whereabouts and future plans, so he sent a small team to recover what they could from the routed Decepticon base and destroy anything else.

Optimus had also given Mirage a secondary mission to allow the golden front-liner to do as he wanted and to simply watch. He wanted the spy to determine if the mech was still able to function within a given tolerance; whether or not they could allow him to continue going on missions or if he had been completely compromised. The Autobot leader almost dreaded hearing what Mirage had to say, but it was important. If Sunstreaker was going to continue functioning as a soldier, he had to know that the mech wasn't going to get himself offlined.

When he stepped into his office, where Mirage had been waiting, Optimus felt unsure. The spy had a rather dour look about him, but then again, he had just spent several orns with Grapple and Sunstreaker as his only company; he truly couldn't have expected anything pleasant.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued;_ change in the balance_

_Of life. I can't help but to feel horrible for what happened to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. It was all my fault. What was I supposed to do about it? Surely there was something I could do to fix this, right? Then again...did I want to fix it? It's a horrible question to ask, but a valid one. I finally had Sideswipe. He was my mate; my other half; everything to me that wasn't my sparklings...but could I live with him being torn from Sunstreaker because of it? I don't know...I really don't know. I don't want them to be apart like this, it's not right! I have to find a way to undo it all, even if that means Sideswipe and I can't be together as sparkmates.  
_

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Okay, so maybe you were wondering where I have been, or why I hadn't posted, or any number of things; or maybe you assumed that I - like so many other authors around here - simply dropped the fic and ran into eternal hiding never to surface again. Either way, I'm sorry it took so long! I've been struggling with these last chapters; and finally came to the realization that I had a chapter complete and ready to go...last night. I also realized that the chapter I'm working on is over 15 pages long and needs to be turned into more than one...so look for some updates on schedule hopefully here soon.  
**

**As for my excuse; well...it's not really a good one, but it's the truth and that has to count for something. I started out being late for the sacrifice of time preparing for a trip to Canada (which was amazing BTW). Then I was gone for two weeks there and when I got home I sat and stared blankly at what I had written before. I realized that everything I had written for the next update was pure trash and could not be used, so deleted and started over again. Then there was work, and work, and volunteering, and the kid, and work, and a husband in there somewhere...*sigh* Like I said. Not a good excuse.  
**

**Anyway! I'm sorry for the late update; I'm posting unedited (sorry Sazi, I just couldn't wait to post!) so please forgive the mistakes. I did my best to find them all, but they're ninja little buggers and I am not quite to their level. Hope you enjoyed and I'll see you next week for an update. Promise.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	141. Journal Entry 141

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; say one thing..._

_I told Sideswipe that Sunstreaker wasn't alone...but...I don't know that I believe it. Sure, I can still reach out to him, but does that really count? I'm not the support he has had all of his life; I'm not the one that knows every little detail about his every little existence...I'm just...me. I mean, I'll always be here for him, I'll do whatever I can to help him out any time, but does that count?_

_I just...I'm so...it's not fair and that's it. It's not fair and there's nothing I can do about it, is there? Is there some way to bring their sparks back together like they once were?_

_I've got to get this figured out, for their sake._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*1*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Proxy onlined to the sense of someone watching her. She wasn't entirely sure when she had slipped into recharge, but was very aware now that she had and someone had come into their home while she was unaware.

Before she could react though, she felt a familiar brush on her spark and knew who had invaded. She was very relieved that he was there.

'Sunny,' she greeted happily through their now different but still familiar bond, spotting the mech leaning against the door frame to the the receiving room where she lay still wrapped in Sideswipe's arms.

'Proxy, it's good to see you online again.'

Guilt flooded through her as she realized that he wasn't just watching her, but he was watching his brother who still lay in recharge blissfully unaware that his twin was practically in the same room as him. 'Sunny, I am so sorry...'

'Don't be. I've never seen him so happy in my life. I'd never change that.'

The femme tried to let that ease her aching spark, but it simply wouldn't do. She hated that they were now separated from each other in a way that even great distance could never accomplish. 'He misses you a lot. It's been hard on him...on you both, I know. I wish I could undo it so badly.'

'I wouldn't let you if you could, femme. He deserves to be happy and so do you.' The golden mech pushed away from the door and took a few near silent steps into the room. 'I'm happy for you both, really.'

'Why am I having a hard time believing you?'

'Probably because you worry too much.'

'You don't worry enough,' the femme found some amusement that not too long ago, Sideswipe had been telling her the very same thing. 'Sunny, you know that you always have us, right? It doesn't matter what...happened...we're still the same.'

'No, you're different now. You're a family. A whole, proper family. You know...that's something he always wanted, right? To have a femme and sparklings, but we were always told it couldn't happen; that we'd probably offline just attempting it and probably offline the spark we tried to bond with while we were at it. It really hurt him to know he couldn't have what everyone else could. Kinda funny that it ended up this way, huh?'

'I don't find it amusing. I'm worried about you. You've been distant...'

'Just giving you two the space new sparkmates deserve...and figuring some things out for myself.' He came a little closer and held out something he had been holding in his hand that Proxy hadn't noticed until now. 'I also got you something. Hope it helps you recharge better.'

Moving carefully so she didn't disturb Sideswipe, the femme looked at what was contained within Sunstreaker's outstretched hand. When she finally saw what it was, she pulled away fearfully.

Sideswipe woke to the sheer panic coming in waves over his bond with Proxy, and likewise to the feeling of the femme trying to climb inside his armor. "What's going on?" He demanded as he instinctively moved to put the femme behind him and reached to pull one of his swords. "Sunny?"

The whole room was wrapped in varying levels of confusion. Sideswipe had no idea what was going on; why was Sunstreaker there and why was Proxy acting like he was there to do harm?

Sunstreaker seemed completely baffled by Proxy's reaction to his gift, and even more so that his brother was wielding a sword at him.

Proxy was fighting her processor to get her thoughts straight and to keep horrid memories from drowning her in complete panic-created insanity.

"Sunny, where have you been?" Sideswipe was somehow leery of putting down his sword, Proxy was still quivering behind him and her fear had a direct affect on his ability to bring down his defense.

"I was on a mission. Figured Optimus would have told you."

"No...we've kinda been out of the loop, I guess."

"Right, that whole space thing. I forgot..." Sunstreaker pulled his hand back and reexamined the thing he held. "I brought this for her, but I guess maybe I shouldn't have. Didn't really think it through. Sorry, Proxy." Again he held out the thing so that Sideswipe could see it, this time holding it by one mangled, silver, claw-like leg so that the full damage upon the lifeless frame could be observed. "I squished him. Thought maybe you might like to see his deactivated frame for yourself. He'll never hurt you again."

Sideswipe slipped his sword away, now fully understanding why Proxy had been afraid, but he was also beginning to understand what Sunstreaker had done. There had only been one 'bot that tortured both Aurian and Proxy to a point of mental breakdown; one 'bot that had caused so much pain, that had brought both beings such anguish that Proxy still woke from dreams so real she screamed with pain.

Sunstreaker had killed the nightmare in the most physical way he could – he had destroyed Scalpel.

Sideswipe took the mangled frame from his brother, looking over the twisted legs and completely destroyed cranium with a mix of rage and pure joy. This tiny little scientist had caused _so much_ pain, his death should have lasted vorns...but he couldn't find it in himself to be sorry the mech had come to such a deactivation as he had at the hands of his twin. He knew Sunstreaker had been neither kind, nor swift, but the job had been done and he was thankful.

"I...appreciate...the idea, Sunny," Proxy whispered from behind Sideswipe, "but I don't think I'm ready yet..."

"That's okay. He's not going anywhere. I'll give him to Ratchet." The golden mech reached for the frame again, yet he hesitated when Sideswipe did not immediately hand it back to him. "Sides?"

"He's gone," Sideswipe growled viciously. He couldn't even believe the amount of delight he felt at those words and as he always did, he tried to share it with his brother only to be hit by the reminder that he couldn't. The delight turned to grief for a split moment, then to acceptance. "He's gone," he repeated, only this time the words were not nearly so pleasant, and not directed to the dead thing in his hand.

"Please, get rid of...it," Proxy begged from her safe place behind Sideswipe.

"Yeah," Sideswipe dropped the mangled frame back into his brother's hand. "So...you were on a mission and didn't say anything?"

Sunstreaker tucked the small thing away into a hidden compartment before pacing over to one of the chairs and making himself comfortable. "Recon, nothing special. Like I said, I figured Optimus would have told you, but I guess even he thought you guys needed your space."

"But you didn't tell us," Sideswipe repeated. "Why'd you run off?"

"I didn't run off," the golden mech snarled defensively. "I just...I had to get away."

Inside, Proxy could feel her spark breaking at the conversation; a conversation that would have normally taken place over their twin bond, full of emotion and need and answers that simply couldn't be spoken, but because of her they were having an awkward verbal conversation and she simply couldn't stand it.

"I'm going to go check on the sparklings," she announced as she scrambled from her place behind Sideswipe. She couldn't watch this any longer.

'Proxy?' Two simultaneous voices called to her through separate bonds, one confused and concerned, the other slightly annoyed but comforting.

'I'm fine!' She shouted at them, definitively shutting both out, refusing to acknowledge them any longer as she rushed away.

Let them talk. Let them be brothers and talk to each other and keep her out of it so she didn't have to see how much she had changed them. She didn't want to see them struggle through a normal conversation like there had never been a greater bond between them. It hurt so much to see how Sideswipe struggled to share his happiness with his brother or to see how Sunstreaker seemed so detached from everything...everyone.

It was horrible. She didn't care how much Sunstreaker told her it was okay, or how much Sideswipe assured her that they were struggling but they would make it, it was horrible and she didn't like it. Primus she would do anything to take it back, anything at all if only they could be like they used to be.

When she reached the sparklings' rooms, she found Blindside sitting outside the door to his shared room waiting for her. He turned his head in her direction then held up his hands indicating he wished to be picked up.

Proxy easily swooped the sparkling into her arms cradling him close to her spark, more than happy to focus on something other than the discomfort she felt right now. "Sweetie, what are you doing up?"

The little mech patted his hands against her chest before touching one hand to his head. "Ow," he moaned softly.

"Ow? Does your head hurt?" Her concern instantly focused solely on Blindside as she looked for any visible damage to him. "Where? Show me. Did you fall? Did someone hit you?"

Blindside only groaned and leaned his head against her chest.

::Ratchet, I'm on my way to see you. Blindside says his head hurts.::

::I'll meet you there. Is there any external damage?::

::None that I can see, but he looks like it's really bothering him.:: Without much thought beyond that, the femme turned for the door, only pausing at the receiving room as she passed. "Keep an audio out for the sparklings, please? I'm taking Blindside to see Ratchet."

Sideswipe was to his feet in a flash, prepared to follow after the femme. "What's wrong?"

"Just...stay here and watch the others. I'll be back in a little bit..." She wanted the brothers to stay together, to talk and get through what they had to get through together. "It's probably nothing."

"Proxy..."

"I don't need you," she growled angrily, though the pain that struck her spark at the words was near devastating. "Just stay here, please."

Blindside cried out sharply, pressing one fist against his head in a futile attempt to ease some of the pain.

"I'm sorry," Proxy whispered to the sparkling as she turned away from the stunned mechs and rushed for the medical wing.

Blindside was the only thing on her processor as she hurried across the distance from her home to the base proper. What could have happened to him? What could possibly be wrong? She couldn't fathom anything that could have happened in the short time he had been in recharge; or that he was supposed to of been in recharge anyway.

Humans and 'bots alike moved out of the femme's way, concern on their faces as she rushed past without so much as a greeting. Those that spotted the sparkling tucked in her arms grew even more worried, but none stopped her.

When she reached the medical wing, Ratchet was already there waiting to receive the little mech, scanners already prepped to seek invisible damage.

"Tell me what happened."

"I don't know," she felt on the verge of panic as she tried to think of immediate events. "I just went to go check on them while they were recharging. He was sitting in the hall and said his head hurt. I asked him what had happened, but he just groaned, then he cried out just as we were getting ready to leave the house."

Ratchet was looking over the little mech, all his scans showed everything was within acceptable tolerance for the blind sparkling, but that did not satisfy him. "What were you doing before that?"

"Just practicing shapes on paper. He was doing fine with it."

"He was drawing shapes on paper?"

"Yeah. I mean, they weren't perfect but he had the ideas down. We've practiced them before."

"Proxy," Ratchet turned to look at the femme skeptically, though his scanners were still keenly focused on Blindside. "He has no optical perception, how can he reproduce the image of a shape?"

Honestly, she had never considered _how_ he did it, only that Blindside refused to be left out of any of their little lessons and seemed to do just fine despite his disability. "I don't know, he just does."

"Did you move his hand for him?"

"No, he just sat there while I drew and then a few kliks later, he did it too. He gets it better than some of the others do..." she was a little thrown by the thought, but her processor ran right back to the issue at hand. "But what does that have to do with his head hurting?"

The medic looked back to the sparkling, who was laying as he had been placed on the examination table with his fist clinched and pushing at his head. "I don't know. Maybe nothing." His last scans came up with nothing to give him any clues as to why the little mech seemed to be suffering, which didn't sit well at all. "I'm not finding anything out of place with him. I'll have to do a systems check."

"Is that really necessary?" Proxy was very familiar with the invasive checks; they weren't painful at all, and really not all that difficult, but they were uncomfortable and she wished to keep her little ones from having to experiencing them as often as possible.

"Considering he seems to be in great pain and I can't find anything immediately wrong with him? I think so." Ratchet picked up the suffering sparkling carefully and headed toward the back of the med bay. "I will sedate him for the process, why don't you go home. I will call you when I'm finished."

"No...I'd rather stay here." There were more than a few reasons to keep her from returning home; she didn't want to leave her sparkling while he was hurting and she didn't want to go back and see Sideswipe and Sunstreaker continue to struggle through awkward conversation.

"There is nothing you can do right now..." the medic paused as he thought of the reasons the femme would choose to stay near the med bay she despised so greatly as opposed to returning to her other sparklings. "Isn't Sunstreaker home?"  
"Yes," she admitted shamefully. "He and Sides are...catching up..."

"I see." He thought for another moment until another stricken cry arose from the sparkling in his arms. "Stay put, I'll be right back. We need to talk."

Proxy paced nervously as she waited. It eased her worries just a little knowing that Blindside would not feel anything while Ratchet searched for what was causing his pain, but the fact that Ratchet wanted to speak with her did little to keep her emotions in control. She heard Blindside cry out one more time before Ratchet returned and she couldn't help but to think she should have been right beside him through all of this, yet the thought of watching the medic put her little mech into forced stasis for a full systems check was less pleasant then the feeling of guilt for not being right beside him. In all likely hood, she wouldn't have allowed Ratchet to continue and that would have been less than progressive.

"Come to my office," the medic ordered as he walked past the uneasy femme.

She followed apprehensively, not entirely sure that the conversation they were about to have was one she was prepared to face. "Blindside will be okay by himself?"

"Of course. You know I would not put any of my patience in danger if I can help it, especially not one so young. He will not remember any of this and it will be over in a few breems."

"Good...good." Proxy fidgeted with her hands a little as they walked into the CMO's office and Ratchet closed the door behind them. "Why are we in here? Is something wrong?"

Ratchet didn't reply as he pushed the femme toward one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Sit, you might as well make yourself comfortable."

"But, Blindside..."

"Is fine. The machines will alert me when they are done and he will not come back online for a few breems after that." He waved toward the chair again as he took his own seat. "I want to talk to you about whats going on."

"Where?"

"Right now, between you and the twins."

"Oh...I, um, I don't want to talk about that." She turned for the door, but the soft click of locks engaging stopped her. "Don't do this to me, Ratchet."

"You have a knack for avoiding the things that are most damaging to you, femme. I'm not going to let you just walk away when you're clearly in need of something." He shut the panel that gave him remote access to his office door and brought his hands together before him on his desk. "Sit."

Proxy considered trying her luck at just beating the door into submission, but reminded herself that her current frame was hardly worthy of standing up to the likes of a security grade door. With a heavy vent she turned and plopped into the chair. "I don't need an intervention."

"I feel otherwise." The mech shifted so he could get a better look at the femme slouched across from him. "Sideswipe finally told you what happened?"

"Yeah."

"And you're upset."

"Of course I am!" She bolted up in the chair, pure anger raging through her. "How could he not tell me? And worse than that...how can he be...how can he be _okay_ with what it's done to them? I'm not okay with it! It's not fair!"

"They've had some time to come to terms with it. Neither of them handled it particularly well when they first discovered their altered bonds."

"There should be no coming to terms with it, Ratchet! I've taken them away from each other and I didn't even have a choice about it! Undo it! Fix this and make them right again!"

"Proxy, you know that I can't."

"No I don't! You...you can do anything! _You're_ _Ratchet,_ _for_ _Primus's_ _sake!_ I don't want to have this if it means they can't be who they're supposed to be! They're _the_ twins! Front-liners that can't be beat because they work so well together because of their bond! What will happen to them now?" Thoughts were spiraling out of control through Proxy's processor, fear and anger warring for priority while horrible images of botched missions layered her every thought until she felt sick inside. "You have to fix this..." she begged with a small, fear filled voice.

Ratchet vented heavily; frustration and sympathy laying thick over his frame and processor. "Proxy...I am not Primus. I am not the Primes, I am not even a Prime – not that I believe any of them could do what you ask – there is nothing I can do to change what has been done. Look at this from another point of view, would you?

"You and Sideswipe have done something that, in all fairness, is impossible. Both scientifically and medically. With your spark so fractured, and his split as it was between Sunstreaker and himself..."

"Yeah, I know...mass offlining. You told me. Why didn't that happen?" It was a small plus in the grand scheme of things to the femme, but curiosity couldn't help but to poke its nose in, wanting to know what had changed the numbers in their favor.

"I can't explain that. I don't know. By all rights...by all rights any spark that yours has a part of, and Sunstreaker, should have at the very least suffered some sort of shock because of the bonding of your two sparks; however, there has been no report of any repercussions."

Proxy laughed and sobbed at the same time with complete disbelief. "No repercussions? No repercussions? Sunstreaker and Sideswipe's bond is _gone_! I'd call that a repercussion!"

"It isn't gone, just altered. They are adjusting well to the change and with time I'm sure you will as well," he assured her patiently. "However, that wasn't the point I wished to make. Consider what you have now. You are now a spark-bonded pair with sparklings. You are a full family unit. So few family units exist now..."

"So what? You want us to be some shining example of what may be? Of hope?" She couldn't believe that they could be any of that given what had been sacrificed to make them a 'family unit'.

"Whether or not you choose to be so, you have already become something like that to many of the 'bots in your lives." Ratchet readjusted himself. "Optimus told me something just the other day that really shocked me, though I guess I should have suspected all along...and he says you're the one that pushed him to admit to it."

The femme looked to the medic with pure confusion. How had the discussion of her and Sideswipe's bonding turned to Optimus?

"He said that you had somehow known and that you had pushed him to do the right thing. He said the final push was seeing how you and your sparklings interacted. How happy Sideswipe had been to have his family together and whole..."

Realization slowly came to Proxy and despite her current distress, she couldn't help the crooked half smirk that came to her face. "He told Bumblebee the truth?"

Ratchet nodded. "He isn't the only one that has seen hope because of your family either, but I thought that you might be happy to know.

"I know you're feeling guilty for what has happened to Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, but what you have to understand is that you had nothing to do with the decision. It was Sideswipe's choice, not yours...and even then it seems that it was powers beyond our control that made the decision..."

"You don't sound so sure," Proxy tried to take comfort in Ratchet's words, but it didn't ease anything for her. "You don't think something might have had its unworldly power involved in the manipulation of our lives for this particular event? Because, quite frankly, Ratchet? I can't believe that anything else can possibly be true given my entire existence up to this point." She felt on the brink of a breaking point. She was happy to have what she wanted before; she was bonded with Sideswipe – something she thought was impossible – she had her sparklings, all alive and mostly well; she had a home built to her desires...but Sunstreaker...powers manipulating their lives...she was tired of something else controlling her life and she wanted so badly to just throw something back at them. "And what about Sunstreaker? I don't care what anyone tells me, he's _not_ okay! He's alone for the first time in his entire life and _nobody_ can understand that! I just want everything to be like it was; Sides and I were fine the way we were...we would have been just fine. We were making it work! What made it so important to change..."

"Proxy, it was your _life._ It had nothing to do with bonding or separation, it was survival." Ratchet struggled with himself trying to find a way to make Proxy understand, to help her come to terms and start looking forward instead of dwelling on the past. "You can share his memories now, look for yourself and see how devastated he was when Aurian died, how defeated he was when he though you were deactivated. That mech was prepared to deactivate of pure grief; if anything else had happened and you had not been found, in all likelihood he would have deactivated and Sunstreaker would be more alone than having his twin bond altered."

Pure, unadulterated shock lanced through Proxy like lightning. Sideswipe would have rather deactivated than to continue functioning without her – he had said so himself – but she hadn't taken it quite so seriously until just this moment. Ratchet believed the front-liner would have really deactivated without her... "But..." was the only thing she could say. Her processor and spark were at war with each other, both denying and confirming Ratchet's claim with what Sideswipe had told her.

"Proxy, at least you are all alive and functional. Be happy for that if not for anything else."

The femme sat back in her seat as her thoughts consumed her. "Yeah..." she agreed finally. The guilt was not gone, it still ate at her spark, but now there was something like a buffer; they were alive.

"The diagnostic is done, I'll be right back."

Proxy acknowledged the medic's passing, but did not fully register it. 'Sides?'

'Is Blindside okay?'

She couldn't help but to smile at his instant concern flooding through her. He loved the sparklings just as much as she did. There could have been no better mech to care for them with her. 'I'm not sure yet, Ratchet is just finishing up a diagnostic on him, but he hadn't found anything so far.'

'Do you need me there?'

'No, I just needed to say...I'm sorry. I over-reacted and I shouldn't have.'

'It's okay,'

'No it isn't, Sides. You have enough to deal with without me going off the deep at you. I'm just...scared. I don't know what to think or what to do.'

'We're all learning together. Sunny was telling me about his mission; seems he's doing pretty good on his own. He's actually taking time to think...'

'...that can't be true,' the femme teased. 'Sunny's all frame no processor, remember?'

'No, no, no...seriously! Turns out he _does_ have a processor and he apparently knows how to use it.'

It was good to hear the laughter in Sideswipe's voice. Even though there was still sorrow in him, he was able to be happy and that meant everything to Proxy. 'How is he, really?'

'Oh, confused, but I think he's really going to be okay.'

'Yeah? Well, I guess that makes two of us. And Ratchet. Ratchet seems to think so too.'

'So, wouldn't that mean four of us in all?'

'Ha! Why don't we just say 'all of us'? Everything's really going to be okay?'

'Of course it is.'

Proxy wasn't sure how Sideswipe managed to sound so confident, but she was thankful for it. 'I'll hold you to it,' she warned as she stood to find Ratchet and her sparkling. 'I'm going to go check on Blindside.'

'Right. If you need me...'

'I know where you live,' she finished.

When she entered the med bay proper Ratchet was just setting Blindside back on the examination table. The sparkling was groggy and it showed in all his movements, but he didn't seem to be in pain any longer and for that Proxy was willing to accept a little sluggishness.

"What's the verdict?" She asked as she came up to the table.

Ratchet just shook his head. "I can't find anything that should cause his head to hurt, really. The only thing that is showing is a little more activity than there should be in the optical data area of his processor – even if his optics were functional. Its functioning almost as if he were receiving optical information from more than one source. Maybe there is a malfunction there that's causing his discomfort, but with the partial organic nature of his biology I'm having trouble diagnosing the reason it is happening. I would like to do more tests..."

"Ratchet..."

"I promise I will not turn him into some sort of lab experiment, just as I always promise. I only want to find what is troubling him, and unfortunately because I am not familiar with your sparklings' construction, it is very difficult to do anything without tests."

"Hey, Ratchet...oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were busy." Sylvia held the small tablet she had been studying close to her chest as she looked over the two 'bots. "Proxy!" She called out as she recognized who the other one was. "What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," the femme assured the human woman. "Blindside was having some pain so I brought him in."

"Oh, that's no good." Sylvia trotted over to the 'bots and quickly found a place where she could see the sparkling setting on the examination table. "What kind of pain? Is he hurt?"

"No, not that we have found," Ratchet stated. "I am going to do some more tests."

"Maybe just growing pains," the human suggested as she waved at the little mech; who flopped one sluggish arm in her general direction.

Proxy just busied herself with her sparkling, while Ratchet took the seemingly innocent motion as something rather amazing.

"He just waved at you," he stated almost dumbly.

"Well, you're the one that said Cybertronian kids develop faster than humans," Sylvia pointed out. "Why shouldn't he wave?"

"Because he can't see you," the CMO continued, his scanners jumping to maximum levels searching for an answer.

"Well, that's just not true." Sylvia moved around until she was on the table with the sparkling, in a completely different place than where she had been but still within 'visual' range where she waved again, and again the mech mimicked the motion. "See, he sees just fine."

"He sure seems like it, doesn't he?" Proxy poked at the little mech's face with one finger. She was proud of him and his amazing accomplishment.

"He doesn't have optical receptors," Ratchet explained, still in awe. "There's no connection between his optics and his processor, he cannot see."

"Then how does he respond to me?" Sylvia walked right up to the still sluggish sparkling to be greeted eagerly with a careful hug, as she was any time she could find a moment to play with the smaller 'bots. Though 'smaller' was really figurative when compared to her own human height. Ferropax, the tallest of the group, was nearly as tall as she was. Blindside was a good head shorter than his older brother, but that still made him sizable when compared to herself. She had been unaware of the youngest mech's handicap until now, but found it hard to believe what Ratchet was trying to tell her.

"That is what I'm trying to figure out. It shouldn't be possible..."

"With the number of 'impossible' things that have been presented lately, you would think you'd just accept it, Ratchet." Proxy shook her head as she scooped her sparkling up, to try and stimulate him into a more steady state of online-ness. "I mean, I'm standing here aren't I?"

"You're case is entirely dissimilar from Blindside. This has nothing to do with bonding, spark, the complications of human existence or the impossibility of reincarnation." The medic grumbled with frustration as he tried to make some kind of connection, but found his information and evidence were completely incongruent. "I will need to do more tests."

Sylvia spun on the large mech so quickly she found herself slightly unsteady. "Reincarnation?"

"Oh, um...yeah, something like that. It's just a theory," Proxy stumbled through her quick explanation.

"And what does that have to do with human existence?"

"Just another theory is all," the femme looked nervously to Ratchet for help, but the medic was too into his study of the sparkling's results to pay much attention to what his unthoughtful statement had done.

"Uh huh..." the human knew there was something to this and her guts screamed that it was important to her. "Tell me this theory, I think I'd really like to hear it."

"What? Right now? I...um...there's really got to be a better time and place."

"You know what's funny?" Sylvia crossed her arms over her chest as she stared down the nervous femme. "I'd noticed that engraving you had on your other frame and thought it was really familiar.

"O-oh? Did it?"

"What made you decide to do that? I mean, it was such a unique design..."

"Uh..."

Ratchet finally seemed to pick up on the conversation around him and did his best to put on a neutral face. "I'm sorry Sylvia. What was it you came for?"

The woman gave the medic a rather doubtful look. "I was going over that volunteer vaccination series you suggested for third-world areas; most of them were pretty receptive to the idea, but a few want some examples before they consent to the treatment. I had a list of requests for you to go over. I don't think any of them should be too out of the question to comply with; but right now I'm more interested in this connection between human existence and reincarnation that involves Proxy standing here right now. Care to explain?" She looked between the two 'bots curiously, noting the look of near panicked fear Proxy was desperately trying to hide, and the distinctly blank look on the medic. "Why are you so afraid?"

"I'm not afraid!" Proxy stated firmly. She really wasn't 'afraid' she was uncomfortable, alarmed, concerned...but not afraid. "It's just some silly thing someone picked up after researching the human ideals on reincarnation. That's all."

"Uh huh. You know that is kinda interesting. I've never really thought about it. Do you guys believe in reincarnation?"

At this point, even Ratchet found it difficult to hold his neutral expression. Sylvia was putting pieces together as they watched and he had been the one to stir that puzzle into motion. "There is some belief of a type of reincarnation amongst our kind. Our sparks are pure energy after all."

"Energy cannot be destroyed, only changed," Sylvia supplied with an understanding nod. "So you think that a 'bot could, in theory, be reincarnated?"

"I cannot claim to know a 'bot that has been reincarnated," the medic stated firmly. It was truth after all, he had never met a reincarnated 'bot; Proxy was a human that had been given new life as a 'bot. Totally different.

"Right...right. I suppose that would be common knowledge if it had happened, wouldn't it?"

"P-pretty much," Proxy agreed timidly. It was becoming common knowledge fast enough, somehow she felt it wouldn't be much longer until everyone knew. "It would be something worth...looking into...or something."

"Huh," Sylvia nodded her head again. "You know, they say in a lot of beliefs that reincarnation is saved for those that haven't finished what they were set out to do in their life. Sometimes they just pushed off their duties; whatever those were, and died before they accomplished them so are sent back to try again. Others have their lives cut short and are wrongly kept from completing their tasks. Reincarnation is a fascinating theory. Why do you think you were reincarnated, Proxy?"

The femme stiffened uncomfortably. How was she going to avoid the truth? Did she want to avoid the truth? "For the sparklings," she said honestly. After all, as Aurian she was able to give them life, but as Proxy, she was able to love and raise them.

Sylvia nodded again as she looked over the sparkling in the femme's arms as he slowly slipped back into recharge. "That's a good reason to be brought back. So, do you think you were a procrastinator, or was your previous life ended abruptly?"

"I...don't know..." she lied. She clearly remembered the movement, the sudden pain and the moment of weightless flight before there was nothing. "I-its just a theory..."

"You know war ends a lot of lives early. I wish I had known my daughter had gotten involved in a war. At least then, maybe I would have been a little less shocked when she suddenly died.

"She had a lot of life left, you know? A lot of things to do still. She always wanted kids, but never got the chance...and well, when Roger died, I'm sure it would have taken her a long time to get over that. Still, she should have been allowed to have children. She would have been such a good mother...

"You're a pretty good mother, aren't you Proxy?"

"I l-like to think s-so." She pulled Blindside a little tighter to her, somehow hoping that all this wasn't leading Sylvia to the conclusion she was sure it was going to lead to.

"Sylvia, not to be rude, but Proxy needs to take Blindside home to rest." It was a wide open door for Proxy to escape the coming confrontation and the femme knew it. "I will contact you with results later this evening. I will have to run more tests though, I want to stop whatever this is before it has a chance to turn into something more serious."

"Of course," the femme agreed. "Sylvia, it was very nice talking to you, I will see you later."

"Yes, I will stop by to bring you up to date on some of the projects later."

"Okay, that should be fun." Proxy turned and headed for the exit, doing her best not to run no matter how badly she wanted to.

"I told my daughter once," Sylvia piped up just as Proxy reached to push open the door, "that I would love her no matter what."

Proxy paused at the door. She couldn't help the way her spark pulsed a little faster, a mixture of hope and dread within her. "Is that so?" She mumbled.

"Even if she was a puppy..."

The femme stood silent for a moment, wondering if she should speak at all. "What if she chewed up your favorite shoes?"

"Even if she chewed up my favorite shoes." There was relief and excitement in Sylvia's tone.

Proxy knew there was no going back now. She glanced over her shoulder to see the woman beaming with barely contained emotions. The truth was out; all she could do was smile and push through the door. Maybe this would be all right. Maybe...maybe it was the right thing and no one would be hurt by the revelation of this truth. "I suppose I'm a puppy..." the femme commented to herself as she headed home to face her sparkmate and his brother.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; acceptance_

_Sideswipe accepted the altered bond with his brother. Sunstreaker accepted his altered bond with his brother. Why couldn't I? Maybe it was because of the guilt of being the responsible one? But even then, Sideswipe was the one that made that split second decision to save my life and chance the lives of...Primus knows how many others, not me. Why did I cling so hard to the guilt? Why was it so hard for me to just accept it the way they had? Ratchet had given me a pretty clear picture of how things laid out in all of this. There was no changing it, no going back; and both brothers had told me that themselves. They didn't want to make things go back the way they were; Sideswipe wanted to be with me, Sunstreaker wanted Sideswipe to be happy...but what about Sunstreaker?_

_He had gone off to figure things out for himself, and I guess maybe he had. One of the few things that I had never bothered to think about was the fact that Sunstreaker had said it bothered Sideswipe that he couldn't have what everyone else had. He said that Sideswipe wanted a femme and a family but they had been denied because they were spark-split twins. What had Sunstreaker wanted all that time? Had it bothered him just as much that they weren't allowed the simplest of things like a family of their own? Maybe...just maybe what he had gone to figure out was to decide that for himself. After all, if Sideswipe had been able to bond with me, didn't that mean that Sunstreaker was now free to find a femme of his own and start a family?_

_Of course...there is the whole issue about there not being terribly many femmes out there anymore; but then again, there aren't all that many Cybertronians out there anymore and the femmes had been overly protected for vorns because of the mass slaughter of them so long ago. Perhaps the numbers were a little more fair now? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just being overly hopeful...I just want him to be happy too!_

_Then...then there's Sylvia. She knows who I once was now. Now what? What will she say? What will she do? Will she be angry that I didn't tell her? Will she hate me for not being Aurian anymore? I'm so afraid and so...excited...I want her to be to me what she was to Aurian, but maybe that's wanting too much from her. The poor woman lost her daughter, she cannot be replaced, yet that's exactly what I'm hoping for isn't it?_

_I think I'll just forget about all of this and focus on what's in my arms right now; Blindside. My poor little guy. What's causing his pain, and how do I fix that?_

_There's so much that I can't seem to fix these days..._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	142. Journal Entry 142

_**Please forgive the late update; and for the lack of editing. I was in a rush to get this up because of my lag in updates. If you can ignore those mistakes, than enjoy. If you cannot; I apologize.**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; uncomfortable moments_

_I know I've had a few in my life...lives...but none were quite so awkward..._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*2*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sylvia had come to terms with the fact her daughter had died. She had settled it with herself and accepted that Aurian was gone. It hadn't been easy by any means and it had been horribly painful to do, but she had done it and she had 'moved on' in a way. Sure, she talked to her dead daughter when she was alone with some wishful hope that maybe Aurian could hear her in her afterlife somewhere, but she had still moved on for whatever that was worth.

Then things had become a little crazy when a strange little laptop showed up on her kitchen counter. Her heart had told her that it was important and she had listened. Her mind told her she was going insane but she ignored it. Now look where she was; on a secluded island in the tropical oceans surrounded by amazing people and alien robots. _Alien_ robots. Something her daughter simply would have died for...and turns out she had died for...but that was old news. Somehow the fact that Aurian had died for these beings and for what she believed in eased the pain of her passing. It was easier to accept that Aurian had given her life for the sake of something so great as what Sylvia was now experiencing.

Yet, things still grew more strange. She found out that the sweet young man at Aurian's funeral, the soldier with the lovely sport car marked with the same strange symbol Aurian had tattooed on her leg, the one she had just _known_ had strong feelings for her daughter, was actually one of these giant alien robots and there had been more to the story of him and his daughter than she could have ever imagined.

Ratchet had done his best to try and explain how Aurian had become somehow attached to the twin soldier mechs and how that connection had given them a lot that they could never have hoped for. Though Sylvia didn't really understand that, or really what all the jargon Ratchet had spouted at her meant; only that Aurian had done good and had been able to do a lot of it because of this 'bond' between herself and the warrior twins and something about an All-Cube-shard-thingy. She also got that the connection had hurt the two mechs when her daughter had died. It had caused them physical pain and suffering that went so far beyond emotional; something about their very sparks – which she understood to mean their life essence, or souls – and Sideswipe had nearly gone insane because of it.

Sideswipe had truly loved her daughter. For that, Sylvia adored him, maybe loved him like she might have loved a son-in-law, and treasured the femme that he now loved for being there for him. Proxy was a sweetheart anyway, how could she not? Every time Sylvia talked with the femme she liked her more and more and had found her to have a lot in common with her deceased daughter. The sparklings she was raising did nothing to dampen the adoration either. They were unique and so very fascinating and absolutely everything children should be.

However, she hadn't once, not even for a second, considered the possibility that Proxy _was_ her daughter.

When Ratchet had mentioned reincarnation, the idea had hit Sylvia in a near physical way. Everything seemed to make sense, all the little things that were strangely in common between the odd femme (though Sylvia wasn't entirely sure why everyone said the femme was odd...) and her daughter were suddenly just too coincidental to ignore. Then, Proxy herself had confirmed the desperate thought with one little sentence: _'What if she chewed up your favorite shoes?'_

Proxy was Aurian.

"I am not your daughter," the femme tried again. It was so hard to try and make the human woman understand that Aurian was a part of her, but she was no longer Aurian. She was Proxy, a life not extended from the first, but a legacy that followed after. She was a new individual living a new life not a life that had been moved from one body to the next.

"But you were."

"No, not really. I was never her..."

"I understand the basics of reincarnation, Proxy. I'm just excited that Aurian is still..."

"Dead," the femme interjected softly. "I have all of her memories, and I have many of her feelings as well, but I'm not Aurian. She is a part of me, but not who I am. I...I am me and nothing else."

"Of course," Sylvia tried to sound understanding, but her heart pounded too happily inside her. Her daughter was given a new life and here she was sitting right in front of her. How many people every got this experience? Who could claim to truly have spoken with the reincarnated being of someone they loved? "I don't mean to imply you aren't yourself, I'm sorry. It's just the knowledge that she – even if it is just some part of her – still exists. It makes me happy knowing that she's still around."

Proxy vented softly, willing to give a little for the woman's sake. Sylvia had the general idea right and that was close enough. Besides, it didn't bother her too much for Sylvia to think of her as her daughter; it gave her a sense of ancestry.

"Can you tell me...how it all happened?" The woman looked equally interested and afraid to know. "I mean...I know something horrible happened to Aurian, but how did all that lead to this?"

"I'm not entirely sure myself, to be honest. I can only vaguely recall the end of her existence and the beginning of mine. It was a rather disorienting time."

"I can't even imagine. Did you know, when you...um...came online? Did you know you had been her before and were you now?"

Proxy paused to consider the question. It was a little confusing to think of. "I think maybe on some level I might have. I knew Sunstreaker when I saw him, and he says that I recognized Aurian's body, but I don't really recall that part so well. I remember when I saw the sparklings, I knew them and..." the femme shuddered thinking of what she had asked Barricade to do. Her spark ached thinking of all those little precious lives that had not been saved and she mourned. "I wish I could have saved them all."

"Oh, honey." Sylvia could see the pain as clear as the sun throughout the femme's whole frame. She hadn't had the whole story of the sparklings, but she knew that they had been entirely unexpected and that there was something not quite 'normal' about them. "Tell me about it," she encouraged gently, not only willing, but wanting to hear what caused the femme to hurt so deeply inside.

"I don't know..." the femme hesitated, her optics shifting to the next room where several of the sparklings were playing happily. It occurred to her that there was one fact that Sylvia did not yet know that she fully deserved to know. "They are your grandchildren; did you know?"

Sylvia was stunned. Her first thought was that of acceptance. She was more than happy to have grandchildren – no matter their alien-robot nature. The second was much more practical. "How?"

"Aurian gave them life. It was her greatest gift...and my greatest shame. These are only a fraction of the sparks she was able to generate; though I admit it was entirely against her will to do so. I couldn't save them. There were so many and I condemned them to death...all of them. If it weren't for Barricade's act of selflessness, there would be none of them left." Proxy turned her focus from her sparklings to the floor at her feet. She couldn't bare to speak of her unforgivable actions while looking at what she had so hurriedly dismissed as unsaveable. "I asked him to destroy them because I knew we couldn't save them. I didn't try to think of a way, I just wanted to be sure they wouldn't suffer at the hands of Megatron, not even for a klik. He promised he would take care of it. He deactivated them...all of them except what he could manage to salvage in his own carrying hold. It almost killed him to save them; they drained his spark so badly that he had to be entirely reformatted or face deactivation himself. He did what I could not."

"You did what you thought was right..." Sylvia found herself struggling with wanting to know why the femme wouldn't have even tried to save the sparklings – especially seeing how she doted on the ones she had – and wanting to believe that Proxy had done the only thing that had been available to her at the time. "Now that you've had time to think it over, as I'm sure you must have every night since then, was there a way you could have saved them?"

Proxy was quiet for a long time while she replayed every option that had ever come to her since then. "Not without a carrying hold or some kind of support system...Barricade was the only one with a hold and we didn't have time to build a support system..."

"Proxy, you are a good person – a good 'bot – and I know in my heart that if you thought even for a second at that time that there was a way, you would have found it. What you did was the right choice. I don't know who Megatron is, not really, but I know enough to know that had you left them in his care, you would regret that action more than you regret what you did choose." She readjusted herself so that she could glance at the sparklings happily playing. "Your decision was rewarded with having these sparklings in your life."

After all the encouragements and assurances the femme had heard, she had never felt reassured about her decision until at that moment. Somehow, the way Sylvia put it made her feel like she had done the best she could have done and her spark felt a little less pained by the event. "Thank you. I never really thought about it that way."

The pair sat for a while; Proxy coming to terms with her new acceptance of her past choices, and Sylvia taking in everything that had just transpired.

"Where is he? Barricade, was it? The one that brought these guys to you."

"Oh! He was reformatted. Prowl is his designation now."

"What is reformatting for you guys? I know what it means for a computer, but somehow I get the feeling that the terms are only vaguely similar."

Proxy vented softly. "In that you are correct."

Several hours passed in conversation between the two; both letting out more of their inner turmoils than they had to anyone before, and both equally supporting the other. It left them both feeling much better about the lives they were living now and perhaps like maybe things were really the way they were meant to be.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sam sat looking out the window, though his mind was far from perceiving anything his eyes were seeing. It seemed to be his favorite pastime anymore. He couldn't stop thinking about what Megatron had said; he hadn't told anyone about the conversation between himself and the Decepticon lord leaving him to his own speculations on what it all meant to him.

He kept telling himself it was dumb; he hadn't had a choice when he had destroyed the Allspark. He was only seventeen at the time and it was unfair to expect him to know what to do in that kind of a situation. The fact that he hadn't just soiled himself and cried for mercy was pretty amazing as far as he was concerned. He wasn't anything like Megatron. Yet, here he was, doubting himself.

Bumblebee often tried to get him to talk. His friend and guardian had known something was wrong since their return to base, but Sam just couldn't find it in himself to tell the mech that he was starting to think he might have more in common with Megatron than he did with the Autobots. How would he take that?

'I'm probably just overreacting,' he thought for the hundredth time today alone. He'd had way too much time to think recently.

All liaison missions had been canceled until the recent event could be fully analyzed and the flaws corrected. Everyone was a little on edge about the fact that they had lost both liaisons in one fell swoop without so much as a struggle on their behalf. Optimus wouldn't stand for it to happen a second time.

That and everyone agreed that Proxy should be allowed time to recover and come to terms with her new lot in life. She would have to have a new frame before they even thought about heading out on a new mission; her current – or old – frame simply wasn't the best option. If they were attacked again she had absolutely no natural defenses and was far too fragile. He didn't mind, really. The time off was mostly welcomed. He had visited his family, he and Mikaela had had some really good conversations and he had the opportunity to use some of his saved salary to purchase a bit of land for himself. A little acreage near the ocean where he could make a home – when he had time – and maybe even someday raise a family of his own.

Honestly, after holding a spark in his hands, Sam had some very different views on life itself. Proxy's very life had literally been in his hands and it had been the most amazing thing he could ever remember. He'd always thought he'd like to settle down and have kids someday, but now he had doubts.

The war wasn't over yet. As far as he could tell, despite their current lull and seeming progress towards an end in their favor, things were far from over. Megatron was still out there somewhere and so long as the Decepticon lord existed he knew the war would not be allowed to come to an end. He was too invested in what he believed to be the right thing to change his mind now. There in laid the kicker for Sam. Megatron believed he was doing what was right.

With a heavy sigh the man shoved himself out of his seat and headed for the door. He was tired of thinking in circles. Maybe it was time he talked to someone about it...but who would understand? Optimus would listen like he always did, but he would also point out all the things that made Sam different than the Decepticon lord. Not that he didn't want to hear it, but he was used to hearing it. It felt like a recited script anymore; 'Sam, you are brave', 'You did what you believed to be the right thing', 'You risked your life for your world, and for us'...it was all the same and while it was all true he had already found flaws in those words.

He hadn't been brave, he had been desperate. He hadn't felt brave, he'd been terrified of what would happen to him if Megatron caught him with the Allspark. Second came everything else, the fear of his own death had been number one the whole time.

Whether or not he _believed_ he was doing the right thing, had it really been the right thing? He had, after all, destroyed the primary source of the entire race's offspring. He had gone against what Optimus had demanded of him...though the end result might have been very similar...or worse.

He hadn't willingly risked his life. He had been thrown into the middle of it and hadn't had a choice. Even if he had walked away once he discovered his car was actually a transforming robot – the Deceptions would have come for him anyway. His life had become forfeit the moment he inherited his great grandfather's glasses. If somebody had asked him to risk his life by running around like a lunatic with a bunch of alien robots, would he have said 'yes'? Probably not. He wasn't really into the 'risking his life' activities. At least, he hadn't been. He was a different man now because of it all; but was he a better man? Good intentions where usually what lead to horrible deeds.

No, Optimus was out. He didn't need the typical speeches.

Bumblebee should have been the next one on his list, but he simply didn't want to see the look of concern on his friends face when he revealed his self-doubt.

Ratchet would tell him to rest and relax and let time do what it would.

Proxy...she would understand, but he felt guilty for even thinking about dumping his own troubles on the poor femme. She had enough to deal with.

Ironhide's answer was always to shoot things until he felt better. While that worked in many situations, Sam really didn't think this was going to be one of them. Besides, the mech was rather absorbed with his femme – Chromia, he thought he recalled – and they really deserved to have their space.

"You appear as though something is troubling you."

The voice was familiar, almost painfully so. It was the voice of the only 'bot Sam didn't want to see at all until he had his thoughts figured out. "Hey, Prowl. I just...have some things on my mind."

"You've been thinking about your abduction."

"Yeah."

"Something happened while you were imprisoned."

"It's not like I was a guest or anything." Sam tried to walk away. Prowl might or might not be deceiving them all and he wasn't really sure he trusted him to not be playing a really good game of lies.

"You have been avoiding me since your return; I suspect this has something to do with what is troubling you lately?"

"No..." he lied. "I just...I'm confused about a few things is all."

"Then you should seek answers, not seclude yourself."  
"Yeah, I know that. I was just looking for someone to talk to, but there's really no one who'd understand that's available."

"You cannot speak with your guardian of these troubling matters?"

"I don't think he'd understand. He's too biased."

"Then you need someone who is outside of the persuasion of your concerns."

"Someone who wont just tell me what I want to hear, or try to make me feel better."

"Then I believe you have found a suitable conversationalist."

Sam shook his head, willing to dismiss the 'bot's offer without any further thought of it until an inkling of an idea struck him. Prowl was about as blunt as they came, and if he really was working as a sleeper cell – or whatever they were called – for Megatron, then he would somehow try and convince Sam that Megatron was right. "You'd be honest with me? About whatever, right?"

"It's not in anyone's best interest to be false."

"Right...right. You know I destroyed the Allspark, right?"

"Of course. The records are rather clear on that fact."

"So...I ruined whatever chance there was for you guys to rebuild your race; to revive your planet, didn't I?"

"No."

Sam was already half way to his rebuttal when he realized that Prowl had not said 'yes' as he had expected. "What?"

"No, you have not ruined the chances of our race rebuilding. The thirteen sparklings under Proxy's care are testament to that; and there are still bonded pairs out there that can produce offspring of their own. Our race still stands a chance of recovering, though I admit it is greatly diminished without the Allspark and the continued war as it is.

"As for the planet, while currently considered 'dead' is not entirely without hope. There are minimal chances that while being perceived as dead, there is some activity that still exists within it. With the majority of our race departed from the home world, there is a chance that it may recover on its own over time. Though, even if it is truly dead, that does not condemn our kind to extinction; there are plenty of colonies on other planets that are acceptably suitable to support us. We were not exclusive to Cybertron, it was simply our originating planet.

"The chances of our race being replenished had Megatron recovered the Allspark first are hardly better than they are currently. His plans would have created drones at best. Onlined for the sole purpose to destroy." Prowl studied the human man before him. "Is this really what you have been concerned over for the past few orns? Whether or not your actions have condemned us to extinction?"

"Well...kind of..." Honestly, Sam was stunned and, he had to admit, a bit encouraged. "Megatron said some stuff that really got me thinking. He..." he felt a little foolish for doubting Prowl. After all, Ratchet had conducted the reformatting. The Autobot medic would have known if Barricade had been playing them. "He got me to thinking that maybe you were a traitor." Sam laughed. "It seems dumb now that I really think about it. He took your actions back on the Nemesis as a sign of your loyalty to him."

The mech held a rather blank expression; though Prowl rarely showed any emotion on his face as far as Sam had ever seen. "My actions on the Nemesis?"

"Yeah, you know...before you came here and got reformatted. Don't you remember? The sparklings?"

"That must have been contained in my memory files that were corrupted. I do not recall such an event."

Sam suddenly felt as though everything had gone from one extreme to the next. He went from doubting Prowl to feeling pity for the mech. "Hasn't anyone told you?"

"I know that I carried the sparklings until Proxy could take over their care, but I do not recall the circumstances surrounding that time. It did not seem important."

"Oh...uh...yeah...I guess not..." Not important? The mech had nearly gave his life to bring all the sparklings he could to safety. "No! No, it _is_ important. You nearly died, you should know. You deserve to know."

"My near deactivation is of little consequence to what information is or is not important. I understand that past events do not put me in a particularly positive light; are you concerned that perhaps I still have negative intentions?"

"No, not now..." Sam sighed. "I guess it's just too easy to make me doubt right now. I'm sorry, Prowl, you deserve better than that. If...if you're willing...I'd think I'd really like to talk to you."

"I am available, it would be my pleasure."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; unusual conversations_

_I had caught wind of Sam's final emergence from his self imposed sequestering and had gone to Prowl of all 'bots for advice. Quite frankly, though I was a little surprised, I was happy to hear it. Prowl had offered me quite a few bits of helpful advice, and the mech was nothing if not painfully blunt and honest. Surely after all the tender-footing everyone else likes to do around here a little brutal truth was what he needed._

_I kind of wished he had come to me though, there are a few things we needed to discuss together at any rate, but I'm sure he was under the same persuasion as most everyone else where I was concerned. I suppose that would come in time._

_Getting to a more personal level with Sylvia was...wonderful. I felt more whole knowing that she was aware of my past and creation; of who I was and who I am. Its a relief. The fact that she didn't just break down and turn into an emotional mess on me probably helped. I am so glad she is in my life._

_Things were coming together at last and it felt like progress, like maybe everything really was okay and that we could all look forward to what was to come._

_Then again...Megatron is still out there somewhere._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	143. Journal Entry 143

_**Please forgive the late update - again- ; and for the lack of editing. I was in a rush to get this up because of my lag in updates. If you can ignore those mistakes, than enjoy. If you cannot; I apologize.**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; surprises_

_Sometimes you expect things, but they still catch you a little. Like...like knowing 'something' is going to happen but not quite knowing what it is until it does._

_Then sometimes, you never ever expected it ever and BAM! There it is._

_Either way can be nice, or terrifying, depending on what the surprise is._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*3*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The base was once again in a flurry as soldiers scrambled to their designated stations. The Decepticons had appeared again, attacking a small village just off the coast of Japan. N.E.S.T. had been caught mostly off guard by the attack despite their raised level of awareness after the event with the liaison transport some months earlier.

Anyone that wasn't already on a mission was being dispatched to the area. They were determined to find where the Decepticons had come from and what they were looking for in the area.

Three groups of five 'bots and a platoon of human soldiers had been formed; those that would go in fighting – Optimus, Ironhide, Chromia, Sideswipe, and Sunstreaker, with the human soldiers being lead by Will; those that would try to provide aid to those that were injured or trapped – Ratchet, First Aid, Jolt, Perceptor and Wheeljack, with the human soldiers lead by Rob; and those that would assist in evacuation of the surrounding areas – Bluestreak, Bumblebee, Arcee, Hound, and Trailbreaker with the human solders lead by the quickly rising in ranks; Jack.

Proxy fidgeted nervously as she watched everyone scramble to get on their designated aircrafts. This was the first time Sideswipe had left her since they had become a bonded pair and she was decidedly uncomfortable with it.

"Ya worried?" Jazz had slipped up beside the femme silently, likewise watching the organized chaos going on.

"No. I'm sure everything will be just fine."

"'Course it will. Everyone's been gettin' ready fer th' 'Con's next move."

"Yeah, that's right."

"An' this island is well protected."

"I know, Ironhide and Wheeljack have worked very diligently at that."

"Then why do ya look like ya've just been givin' th' worst news o' yer life?"

Proxy shook her head, vented, and tried to turn away from all the activity to face the silver mech beside her, but she found she couldn't tear her optics off of the sight. "Sides and Sunny are going. It's their first mission together since...since then and I'm worried about them."

"Really?" Jazz looked from the femme to where he could just see the last of the teams loading up. The cargo planes would be lifting off in a matter of kliks, there was no going back now. "Ya don't think they're ready?"

"I don't know what to think, Jazz. They're soldiers, I'm sure that hasn't left them just because of...what happened, but I can't help but to feel like it's a totally different battleground they're fighting on now."

"That's probably 'cause it is."

"Thanks, that's helpful."

"It's th' truth. Ah don't think there's anythin' Ah could say that would make ya feel better, so might as well stick with th' truth." Jazz shrugged. "But ya gotta keep in mind they've fought on their own before. They weren't always on missions with each other, they've been separated fer extended periods, they know how ta fight separately. Stop worrin'." He waited a few more minutes as they watched the planes take off and fade away in the distance before wrapping his arm over the femme's shoulders and turning her away from the tarmac. "Come on, lets go get some energon an' chill fer uh while."

"I should really get back home. I kind of left the sparklings under Ferropax's rule when I ran out." Proxy vented leaning her head against the mech's shoulder. "Thank you for being here for me, Jazz. You're a great friend."

"Ah know," the mech chuckled. "Ya go home, Ah'll come by in uh bit."

"Sure, see you later."

The pair parted ways, Proxy still pondering over what might happen while Jazz meandered off seeming as though some plot just might be forming in his processor.

Approaching her home gave Proxy a sense of security, of comfort and relief, yet at the same time reminded her that the two 'bots most dear to her aside from her sparklings were going out to face the Decepticons with their brand new handicap – courtesy of herself – and doubt crept back into her spark. What would she do if either of them got hurt? Or worse?

Jazz had been right; they had fought on their own many times, but even then if something had happened to one of them the other would have known. Now, in her mind the worst of the worst played out and she could clearly see one of them returning happily from the battle only to discover the other had been fatally wounded. How would they face such a thing? How would she face it?

Upon entering, the femme heard a soft, pleasant voice drifting from the main room while the rest of the house sat suspiciously silent.

"'If human beings are not drowned,' asked the little mermaid, 'can they live forever? do they never die as we do here in the sea?'"

Proxy felt her spark sputter at the words, and quickly but quietly found her way to the source of the familiar voice.

"'Yes,' replied the old lady, 'they must also die, and their term of life is even shorter than ours. We sometimes live to three hundred years, but when we cease to exist here we only become the foam on the surface of the water, and we have not even a grave down here of those we love. We have not immortal souls, we shall never live again; but, like the green sea-weed, when once it has been cut off, we can never flourish more. Human beings, on the contrary, have a soul which lives forever, lives after the body has been turned to dust. It rises up through the clear, pure air beyond the glittering stars. As we rise out of the water, and behold all the land of the earth, so do they rise to unknown and glorious regions which we shall never see.'"

Seeing all of the sparklings gathered eagerly around a table that had been adorned with a chair upon which sat Silvia, Proxy understood what was happening here. Apparently in her sudden rush to see Sideswipe and Sunstreaker off, Proxy had completely forgotten about Silvia's promised visit and the woman had taken it upon herself to entertain the little ones until she returned.

Sylvia seemed just as enraptured with the telling of her story as the sparklings were in hearing it. Not a one of the little 'bots moved, or may so much as a chirp while the woman spoke. "'Why have not we an immortal soul?' asked the little mermaid mournfully; 'I would give gladly all the hundreds of years that I have to live, to be a human being only for one day, and to have the hope of knowing the happiness of that glorious world above the stars.'

"'You must not think of that," said the old woman; "we feel ourselves to be much happier and much better off than human beings.'

"'So I shall die,' said the little mermaid, 'and as the foam of the sea I shall be driven about never again to hear the music of the waves, or to see the pretty flowers nor the red sun. Is there anything I can do to win an immortal soul?'

"'No,' said the old woman, 'unless a man were to love you so much that you were more to him than his father or mother; and if all his thoughts and all his love were fixed upon you, and the priest placed his right hand in yours, and he promised to be true to you here and hereafter, then his soul would glide into your body and you would obtain a share in the future happiness of mankind. He would give a soul to you and retain his own as well; but this can never happen. Your fish's tail, which amongst us is considered so beautiful, is thought on earth to be quite ugly; they do not know any better, and they think it necessary to have two stout props, which they call legs, in order to be handsome.'

"Then the little mermaid sighed, and looked sorrowfully at her fish's tail.

"'Let us be happy,' said the old lady, 'and dart and spring about during the three hundred years that we have to live, which is really quite long enough; after that we can rest ourselves all the better. This evening we are going to have a court ball.'"

"How long do humans live for?" A timid voice spoke up from the silent crowd of sparklings. Proxy knew immediately who had spoken, there was only one among the bunch that allowed her curiosity to disrupt even the most enchanting of moments; and only one that had taken such great care to learn how to structure full sentences: Liquid.

"Oh, dear," Sylvia moaned softly, realizing what she had just introduced to the little beings before her. "That isn't something you should worry about, sweetie. We live long enough."

"But, you said in your story...that their...their...team of life was shorter. How much shorter? Shorter than ours?" The little pink femme grew more bold as she spoke, a glimmer of need-to-know shining in her white optics. "Is yours shorter?"

"Liquid, darling...your interrupting the story," Proxy announced as she entered and swooped up the curious femme into her arms. "I'm sure you're questions will be answered soon, but why don't we let Sylvia finish her story first, okay?"

"Oh, sorry," the femme apologized shyly. "But...I don't want the humans to die so soon. I like them."

Proxy's felt a pang of deep remorse at her little femme's words. "I know honey, I like them too."

"Proxy, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it." Sylvia held her hands out helplessly. It was such an unusual thing to her to have to think about; these little beings would out live her and every other human on this base, but they didn't know that yet.

"It's okay. Would you like to finish the story? I know a few sparklings that simply will not recharge not knowing the end to a tale they're interested in." There were a few chirps of agreement from Ricochet, Rebound, and Splitbeat. The femme sat, Liquid still in her arms, and nodded for the woman to continue her retelling.

Sylvia went on, recalling the story very clearly from memory. It had always been one of her favorites; told to her by her mother and she had told it to Aurian when she was young. It didn't take any effort to recall the tale.

The sparklings seemed to ride on every word; laughing and rejoicing at the happy bits, and becoming quite gloomy through the sad parts. Proxy found it very impressive to watch as the little ones empathized with the little mermaid, and how they seemed to understand the unusual desire of the little sea creature.

"'Among the daughters of the air,' answered one of them. 'A mermaid has not an immortal soul, nor can she obtain one unless she wins the love of a human being. On the power of another hangs her eternal destiny. But the daughters of the air, although they do not possess an immortal soul, can, by their good deeds, procure one for themselves. We fly to warm countries, and cool the sultry air that destroys mankind with the pestilence. We carry the perfume of the flowers to spread health and restoration. After we have striven for three hundred years to do all the good in our power, we receive an immortal soul and take part in the happiness of mankind. You, poor little mermaid, have tried with your whole heart to do as we are doing; you have suffered and endured and raised yourself to the spirit-world by your good deeds; and now, by striving for three hundred years in the same way, you may obtain an immortal soul.'

"The little mermaid lifted her glorified eyes towards the sun, and felt them, for the first time, filling with tears. On the ship, in which she had left the prince, there were life and noise; she saw him and his beautiful bride searching for her; sorrowfully they gazed at the pearly foam, as if they knew she had thrown herself into the waves. Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.

"'After three hundred years, thus shall we float into the kingdom of heaven,' said she.

"'And we may even get there sooner,' whispered one of her companions. 'Unseen we can enter the houses of men, where there are children, and for every day on which we find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, our time of probation is shortened. The child does not know, when we fly through the room, that we smile with joy at his good conduct, for we can count one year less of our three hundred years. But when we see a naughty or a wicked child, we shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to our time of trial!'

"The little mermaid – now a daughter of the air – spent her time doing good deeds and smiling upon many young children until her time came to float into the kingdom of heaven; and that is the end of the story!"

There were several complaints about the story being over, but Sylvia would have none of it. "It's far past time for you lot to go play. I've kept you still for long enough!" The woman shooed the little beings as they attempted to convince her to tell another story until finally they gave in and went about their ways to find games to fill the remainder of their day.

Even Liquid squirmed down from her caretaker's arms and ran off to create some mischief of her own.

"You know," Sylvia started once the little ones were gone. "All my life I used to think how fantastic it would have been to be like the little mermaid and have so much time to live...I'd never once thought of it from the other side of the story until today."

"It's not something anyone usually thinks about," Proxy admitted. "Honestly, I hadn't really considered it myself. They won't even be full fledglings when the humans they know now are gone..." another pang of grief struck at the femme as she thought about watching all of her human friends reach the end of their lifespans. 'Why am I only thinking of the worst of things?' She griped at herself. 'There's many years of good times to be had! Everything will be fine!' Yet, she didn't feel that way.

"Proxy? What's wrong? Did the story really bother you that bad?"

"No," the femme's voice wavered as she tried to sound confident.

"Aurian never was any good at lying..." she stated firmly. "Talk to me, what's bothering you?"

"Nothing," Proxy stated firmly, her voice steady this time. "I'm just worrying too much over things I can't do anything for. Anyway! You came to visit, lets talk about something happier."

Sylvia pondered over the femme for a few minutes, seeming to choose her next action before she set it in motion. "I've decided I'm getting a dog."

This did as Sylvia thought it would, and fully gained the femme's attention and distraction in one fell swoop.

"What? Why a dog?"

"Because, I always wanted one, but never really had time for one. Well, no, that's not entirely true. I had a little Dachshund when I was a kid, but that was a family dog."

"And just how do you plan to get a dog? We're on an island."

"Oh, it's not as if people don't come and go! I'll just look around and pick one up when I go on my next visit somewhere. What kind of dog do you think I should get?"

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Proxy sat in her silent home, listening to the outside world continue on. She could hear the machinery at the base whirring to life and settle once it's job was done. She could hear voices as soldiers shouted back and forth, the unmistakeable sound of 'bots transforming and walking around as they shouted out their own orders just keeping the base going as normal.

As normal.

As if nearly a third of the base wasn't missing out on some mission several thousand miles away.

The femme vented heavily, thinking yet again that she should be trying to recharge. She was exhausted, but the thought of trudging up to her berth – alone – was simply too much. Sylvia had left going on a joor ago, their talk had gone long into the night and the poor woman was all but a walking-dead when she decided she needed to return to her little room back on base with an assurance that she would return in the morning to check up on the femme.

As her mind once more turned to the thought of needing recharge and the denial upon the effort it took to find her berth, there came a soft knocking at her door.

It startled her because hardly anyone knocked when coming in – if they were looking for permission they usually comed her, or they had called ahead of time, nobody knocked – and to top that, the hour of day was completely uncalled for. No one came while the sparklings were down for the night unless it was preplanned.

With a great amount of caution, she went to the door to see who dared disturb the silence of her home at this hour.

Cracking the door open, she saw a blazing blue visor waiting for her. "Jazz?"

"Ah told ya Ah'd come by."

"It's late!"

"Were ya rechargin'?" The way he said it stated that he knew she hadn't. "Come on, thought ya could use some company. Night's long an' if yer not gonna recharge..." he held up a conspicuous bottle that glowed an unhealthy purple-green color.

"High-grade?"

"Loosen yer gears uh bit, might help ya recharge."

The femme chuckled as she opened the door allowing the wayward mech inside. "Just keep it down, will you?"

"Ah, come on! Like Ah don't know how ta keep quiet."

"When there's high-grade involved?"

The saboteur simply chuckled as he showed himself to the 'kitchen' and fetched two clean empty containers Proxy insisted on keeping as dining ware. "Ah'll bet," the mech stated firmly as he set the containers down and began to pour the high-grade, "that Ah'm not th' one yer gonna have ta worry 'bout gettin' loud."  
"You think I can't handle my high-grade?"

The mech laughed, a knowing smile creeping across his face. "Oh, Ah don't think, femme. Ah know."

Proxy stared stunned at the silver mech before her for several kliks. Then a glare took control and with a firm nod and one hand stretched out for one of the containers. "Challenge accepted, my friend."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; challenge...lost_

_Turns out Jazz apparently knew me better than I knew myself. I suspect there's a reason for that, but I can't process enough right now to figure it out._

_I woke the next morning to several sparklings jumping on me where I lay sprawled on the floor – apparently I had decided that was my berth for the night – and they were making more noise than I'm sure was even possible. Primus I was sure my head was cracking open right then and there and my processor and all of its little bitty parts that managed to survive the vile high-grade Jazz fed me was leaking out slowly._

_My only saving grace was the same damnable mech that put me in this situation. Jazz called the sparklings off of me, ordering them to the play room to give their creator some time to come online. Then – _THEN_ – the jerk dared to come smile knowingly at me._

"_Ah win, femme."_

_Ohhhh...that jerk was going to get it...just as soon as I could figure out how my legs worked...or arms...or, really anything at all. What a jerk!_

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	144. Journal Entry 144

_**Please forgive the late update - again- ; and for the lack of editing.**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; time_

_Time passes, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes both at the same moment._

_That first mission had been difficult for me – I'm sure it wasn't any easier for either Sideswipe or Sunstreaker, but they both came back in decent moods, and more importantly in one piece. However, I'm pretty sure that something hadn't sat well between the brothers._

_Sideswipe was eager to be home, completely forgoing Ratchet's orders for a full scan before he did anything else – though I'm sure he would have tried to avoid that anyway – to come home. The sparklings were so excited to see him they nearly knocked the mech down to the ground with their greetings, and he had willingly accepted their attentions. He looked so happy to be with them, it was as though there could never be anything wrong in the world when he was with them, but we all know that's not the case._

_We spent several joors talking about what had happened while he was gone; mostly what we had gone through on an individual level being separated for the first time since the sudden bonding. He seemed to have done just fine, but then again he'd had some practice before hand. He also seemed rather disappointed in my inability to simply deal with it, though he didn't say anything about my getting over charged and passing out over the option of simply not recharging. I guess as long as no harm came to me or the sparklings, he was okay with whatever might have happened._

_Now...Sunstreaker, on the other hand..._

_He came to visit a few times, though when he did it was short and he usually gave me some kind of look that made me think he was trying to figure something out that didn't quite reach his expectations. I...don't really know what that was about and any time I asked he just said that it didn't matter right now._

_Didn't matter right now? What was that supposed to mean? Was he mad at me? I know I was probably thinking too much into it, but I felt so sure he was layering some deep levels of blame on me and quite honestly, I didn't feel he was wrong for doing so._

_Anyway. The mech started disappearing for orns and I know I saw him discussing something rather in depth with Wheeljack, and I'm pretty sure I even saw him with Ironhide a time or two (when the mech could be separated from his femme that is). He even spent some long joors in the medical wing! Tell me that doesn't scream that something is up. Yet when I asked him, he just said he was working things out._

_I should probably just give him his space like Sideswipe says to...I really, really should..._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*4*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey, 'Jack. What are you up to?"

The inventor startled a little at the voice; he hadn't expected anyone to come by for several joors still. "Proxy? What'ya doin' here?" He glanced at what he had been working on before carefully setting aside his tools and standing up to face the femme.

"Nothing. I just thought I'd swing by, see what you were up to. You haven't visited in a while, Jounce has been asking about you."

"Ah! Yeah, suppose its been uh while, huh? Ah'll come by soon. It's just been real busy an' all, ya know? With all th' new 'bots comin' in, an' more on th' way. We gotta get things in order, get ready fer them all."

"Yeah, I know," the femme nodded as she stepped deeper into the building that had once been the sparklings' nursery; now having been converted into a rather functional make-shift lab. "So..." She said lightly as she picked up a small scrapped piece of machinery.

"So?"

"You've seen Sunstreaker?"

"'Course."

"Have any idea what he's up to?"

Wheeljack paused at the question. It never once occurred to him that maybe Proxy didn't know what one of the twins was up to. Then again, he hadn't really taken into account the fact that their bond was altered and she didn't have quite as strong of a connection with him any longer. "What do ya mean?"

"Oh," the femme put the part back down and started nervously drawing images on the table surface with her finger. "I know he's been talking to you about something, I was just curious."

"So why'd ya come ta me? Why not ask him?"

"Because," she said with a soft voice, "he's not really talking to me lately. Or to Sides. We're...I'm worried. About him."

Confusion wracked the inventor's processor. "Why? Ya think he's gettin' inta some trouble somewhere?"

"That's the thing, I don't know." She vented heavily and turned to face Wheeljack. "He's been distant since...for a while, but when they got back from that last mission it's like he was a whole different mech. He's acting weird and I'm afraid he's planning to do something stupid. Do you have _any_ idea? I mean...it's like he...he went from being my brother to being someone I hardly know at all now. I don't know what to do, 'Jack. I was hoping that maybe you could tell me something about what he's doing."

The inventor stood still for a moment, thoughts processing quickly as he took in what the femme said and her obvious distress along with what he knew and couldn't stop a soft chuckle from escaping him. "Oh, femme...ya got nothin' ta worry 'bout. Mech's just keepin' himself busy. He's been workin' on some kinda' project, he's just been askin' meh fer some advice."

"Project?"

"Yeah."

"So...like...he's painting again?"

"Somethin' like that. Yeah."

Proxy smiled, relief finding a small place inside her. If he was going back to painting – to doing something he loved so much – maybe things weren't as bad as she was making them out to be. Still, there was one more thing. "Does he...is he...do you know..."

"Is he mad at ya?"

"Yeah."

"No, femme. Not at all. What would make ya think that?"

She tipped her head in a very indicative way.

"Cause what ya said? He's just busy, relax. Yer supposed to be on leave, relaxin', recoverin', ya know, gettin' yer bearin's back. Not worrin' 'bout what Sun's up ta. Ya know he loves ya, yer still his sister an' now yer his brother's bond-mate."

"I'm also the one that took Sideswipe away from him," she stated in a rather cold tone.

Words completely fled the inventor at the femme's statement.

"Thanks, 'Jack. I feel a little better now."

"Proxy, wait!" He tried to stop her, but she was already through the door and making her way back across the base. For a moment he chased after her, intending to grab her and make her see that the way she was taking all of this was wrong; but that wasn't for him to do. ::Sun, ya might wanna get uh move on things.::

::What's going on?::

::Proxy was just here askin' meh 'bout ya...::

::What did you say?::

::Ah told her ya were workin' on uh project; she guessed ya were paintin'.::

::And?::

::And? An' she thinks you're mad at her.::

There was silence for a moment. ::Why?::

::Why do ya think?::

::Primus, she'll never let that go...:: The front-liner vented audibly through the link. ::I'll talk to her later.::

::So...how's it comin' anyway?::

::Almost done.::

::When ya gonna let meh see it?::

::Same time as everyone else.::

::Aw, yer no fun, Sun.:: Wheeljack teased as he picked up his tools and resumed his work once more. He trusted Sunstreaker to set Proxy straight.

::Fun is Sideswipe's department. I'm just here to get slag done.::

The conversation ended with a clear severance of the link by the front-liner, leaving Wheeljack with a rather uncomfortable feeling. Since their augmentation, Sunstreaker had been slowly becoming harsher, less...younglingish. The inventor wasn't sure if it was a good thing that the mech seemed to finally be reaching adulthood, or if it was a sign of something much darker to come in the front-liner's future.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Proxy had been heading home to mope a little, but decided against it. Prowl had come to watch the sparklings for the day and she suspected that the mech rather enjoyed his time with them. There was no need to interrupt that just yet, so she turned away from her home, and away from the base. She wanted solitude; a rare commodity in her life these orns.

Not entirely sure where she was going, but sure that she was fine no matter where she went on the island, Proxy allowed her feet to lead the way and let her processor dump itself into contemplation over what Wheeljack had said.

She was honestly comforted by the thought of Sunstreaker resuming his artistic pastime, but she couldn't let go that he had acted oddly around her for several orns now. It got worse with every mission he and Sideswipe went on together and she could only imagine that it must be the lack of their normal ability to work so well together wearing on him. However, Sideswipe didn't seem to be showing any of the same aggravations. Why was that?

There was only one thing she could think of and it bothered her more than anything she could imagine right now because there was nothing she could do about it. Even more frustrating was that she seemed to be the only one really concerned with it. Everyone else simply said that it couldn't be undone and she should just accept it. If it wasn't causing so much trouble for the other twin, she would happily accept it; she would fully embrace it with her whole spark, but with Sunstreaker so obviously struggling she couldn't just let it go. There had to be something she could do to help him.

Looking around, Proxy realized she had been standing for several breems on a small rise overlooking the ocean. It seemed almost painfully familiar...like she had not only been here before but that something had happened here. That there were good feelings, and bad, connected with this place and they were all squirming to reach the forefront of her processor all at once. She pressed one hand to her head as the rush turned to confusion and disrupted her balance.

"Woah!" Someone called out; it was a deep voice that she couldn't quite place other than she knew it belonged to a mech. "Hey, you all right?"

"Yeah," the femme tried to look at the mech that had spoken, only to find that he was holding her up. "Oh! I'm sorry!" She scrambled to get her feet beneath her and pull away. "I just...I don't know what just happened."

"S'okay, I don't mind. You sure you're okay?" The mech didn't release his hold on her shoulder until he was sure she was stable again.

"Yeah, I'm fine, thank you...uh...oh, I'm sorry," she apologized, "I don't think we've met. You're..." she looked over the dirty green armor of the mech and knew who he was instantly, "Hound, right?"

The dirty mech smiled happily at having been recognized. "Sure am. And you're Proxy, aren't you?"

"Yeah. What are you doing all the way out here?"

Hound laughed, it was a wonderfully pleasant sound. "I could ask you the same. I like the quiet and the ocean and all the sounds of this planet. What brings you all the way out here?"

"Can't say I'm sure, really. I was just looking to think..."

"Oh, I see. Want me to leave you alone? I can go, it's no big deal."

"No, no, you don't have to leave. I'm just wandering, really." For some reason, the femme felt comfortable with the green mech nearby. It was almost like she had found an old friend. "Sorry I interrupted you."

"Nothing to interrupt, really. Want some company while you wander?"

"I...you know? I think I would."

Another big smile crept over the mech's face as he motioned for her to take the lead. "So what were you lookin to think about? If you don't mind my askin." Hound fell in step beside the femme as she slowly paced along the shoreline.

Proxy vented as her processor returned to the problems at hand. "Sunny."

"Ah, well, guess that explains why you lost your balance," the mech teased. "Mech can knock any 'bot from their feet."

"Wouldn't he just love to hear that," the femme laughed. "How well do you know Sunstreaker?"

"Oh, I don't know. I've worked with him a time or two. I know his reputation better than I know him I think."

"I see."

"You're worried about him, aren't you? I heard what happened."

"He's just been acting odd and I don't know what to think. I thought he might be up to something but I just talked to Wheeljack and he doesn't seem to think anything's in the works...I just don't know that I believe that."

"Sounds to me like maybe you're thinkin too much about it."

The femme vented again and kicked some sand into the water. "Probably." She sat in the sand facing the ocean, her processor still spinning with possibilities.

Hound crouched down next to her. "Maybe you should think about somethin else?"

"Like what?"

"Hmm...well, let me see. I don't know you too well, but I've heard a lot about you. Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"Not much to say really. What you've heard is probably what there is. Haven't been around all that long."

Hound nodded, having heard the stories. "Yeah, Mirage is pretty thorough when he wants to be. Guess I've probably heard about everything that you've done since you got here."

"Mirage? I'm sure you did...right down to every little screw up."

"Yeah, he did point out a lot of things he thought were out of line, but that's Mirage for you. He did tell me a lot of good things too, though. Like, how you care for your sparklings. The way you've represented our kind alongside Sam to try and bring our two races together in peace. He may say you're trouble, but he respects your ability to get things done."

"That's...surprising."

"You just don't know Mirage that well. The more he nit-picks, the more he likes you. If he didn't like you, you'd be 'beneath his notice', as he likes to say it."

Proxy laughed at the way Hound mocked the master spy's tone and pomp. "You sound just like him!"

"I've had some practice." He settled in the sand beside the femme, deciding that he should make himself comfortable. "You know what else he says about you?"

"That I'm a pain in his processor and shouldn't be allowed to roam free?"

"Besides that."

Proxy rolled her optics at the thought of all the bad things the mech had probably said concerning her.

"He said that he'd never seen anyone but Prime bring out such loyalty in others like you do."

"Well, Sides and Sunny have good reason to be loyal to me."

"Not just them. You know, I see it too and it's kind of amazing. Jazz, Ironhide, Bee, Prime, Mudflap and Skids, Sam, Will and Rob, that new officer Jack, Pit – nearly every living being on this island...they all jump to when they hear your name."

"That's because they've seen the kind of trouble I can get into."

"Yet, they're always ready to get you out of it. I think that's a pretty good sign that you're a good 'bot." He studied the femme and saw the slight smile that came to her thinking of all those that cared about her. "I'll tell you, but you didn't hear it from me; Mirage respects you quite a bit."

"Hound, I would have never pegged you as a liar!" Proxy teased. "You don't have to cover for him, I know he doesn't like me."

"I'm not covering, its true. Like I said..."

"Sure, I get it. I'm a good 'bot."

Hound was pretty good at spotting the things most people overlooked, the small, simple things that were more important than anything else. It was clear to him that his attempt to boost her mood had done nothing but sour it. "But?"

She shook her head, denying that there was anything further to be said.

"You're still worried about Sunstreaker," he stated, shoulders slumping slightly with disappointment that he couldn't distract her from her worries. "What can I do to help?"

"No, no one can help, really. Not unless you know how to undo...never mind. That never comes out right."

"Undo what?"

"Nothing. I'm just back at square one is all." Proxy stood, brushing the sand from her. "Thank you for keeping me company, Hound, but I should get back home now. Prowl can only handle the sparklings for so long – especially since Rebound and Ricochet discovered his minor glitch."

"Glitch?"

"Oh, some foul up from his emergency reformatting. He tends to lock up when to many nonsense things happen at once..." she vented heavily, though a rather wistful smile took its rightful place on her face. "Those two have nonsense in spades."

"Huh," Hound didn't know a lot about Prowl. He had heard that the mech had been reformatted and was currently holding a Neutral alliance, though he did lend a hand whenever he could. He was a nice enough mech, really, if a little stuck in the logical end of the spectrum. "Suppose that fits him pretty well."

With a wave, Proxy headed back towards her home for the second time since setting out that morning.

Hound simply watched her go, a gnawing sense in his spark that he hadn't done everything he could have for the femme; but what else was there to do? He didn't know how to reassure her that Sunstreaker would be alright. He didn't even know Sunstreaker all that well.

'That is something I can change,' he thought to himself as he opened a link to the golden front-liner. ::Hey, Sunstreaker. This is Hound. Wondered if you had a breem to spare.::

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Looking at her home a short distance away, Proxy could feel her processor turning. It was painful and aggravating all at once. Things just weren't right and she didn't like it. Everyone kept telling her it was okay, that Sunstreaker was fine...but she just didn't believe it. Something was amiss and it went beyond his avoidance of her, she was sure of it.

"Sorry, Prowl. You'll just have to hang on a few more breems, I have to get this sorted out." For the second time, she turned away from her house and headed off to seek more answers.

She only hesitated a moment before approaching the designated 'shooting range' for the 'bots. It was a strip of very barren land pock marked with charred holes from the rather large weapons most of them toted around. It was a very intimidating place to her, where power was rule and she had none. If anything went wrong and she were too close, that would be the end of it for her.

As she had expected, she saw Ironhide dominating the range, though she was mildly surprised to find that he was not shooting at imaginary enemies. Instead, he was standing, enjoying a heated conversation with his sparkmate, Chromia.

The femme gave a second thought to disturbing the pair and turned to retreat.

"Where you going?" A stern femme voice demanded, halting Proxy mid step.

"Oh, uh, I didn't want to bother you."

Chromia fixed the femme with a rather stringent stare. "You came here for a reason, what is it?"

"Nothing important," Proxy assured as she took a few steps away. She hadn't had the opportunity to really meet Chromia, but if her interactions with Arcee were anything to go by, Proxy was rather certain that she didn't want to upset the weapons specialist's sparkmate.

Ironhide was in front of her after only a few short steps. "If you came all the way out here it must be somewhat important. Get on with it."

Feeling rather trapped by the two, Proxy nearly pranced on the tips of her feet trying to decide if she could – or should – run before they had her any more pinned than they did. "I-I was just wondering...w-why Sunny was seeing you...i-if something was wrong w-with his weapons or something like that. It's really not important and I should probably just have asked him but he's not really been around much and when he is he isn't talking to me and I'm just worried that he's up to something but everyone keeps telling me he's not but I don't believe them! Somethings wrong and he's not telling me and I can't take it anymore! Why won't he tell us?!"

The two stood looking largely stunned by the change from nervous jittering to near hysterical demanding.

"Is that all?" Ironhide asked rather bluntly. "You think he's hiding something from you?"

"Yes!"

"Well, he is."

Proxy was already halfway to spouting her arguments to prove otherwise when she realized what Ironhide had said. "What?"

Chromia gave her mate a withering glare before turning back to the dumbfounded femme between them. "He is, but you don't need to worry about it."

"Don't need to worry? Of course I'm going to worry! All this time I spent trying to find out what was going on and now I find out he's _hiding_ something from us? Is he hurt? Some sort of backlash or something? I knew something was wrong!" The femme was pacing frantically, her arms flailing to express the amount of irritation she was feeling at the moment.

"There is nothing wrong with him," Ironhide promised. "Stop treating him like one of your sparklings, femme. He's a mech that can take care of himself just fine, he doesn't need you doting over his every action."

Proxy's spark was pounding inside her, her processor felt just a breath away from melting down, and Ironhide was telling her she was overreacting? She spun around to give him a verbal lashing he would never forget, but the action was the last thing she could recall aside from a faint voice calling out her name.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; overdoing it_

_So, as it turns out, my old frame is slightly less durable than it used to be. I had gotten myself so worked up that I had pushed myself into an emergency stasis to keep me from overheating too badly. Ratchet wasn't at all pleased by this...though I doubt my attitude upon waking helped his temper at all. I was still upset, and probably a little on the side of unreasonable, and worked myself right back into stasis._

_When I came online again, Sideswipe was there looking rather concerned and probably a bit annoyed himself, though through our bond I knew it wasn't because of me. He did his best to keep me calm; he managed to keep me from returning to stasis, but 'calm' really is a speculative word._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	145. Journal Entry 145

_**Oh, my...guess what has snuck up on me? Could it be? Might it be? Oh it is! The ending is in sight my friends. Really and truly in sight. Only one chapter after this one. I think I might cry.**  
_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; distractions_

_I don't know why I just couldn't let it go, but I couldn't. Sideswipe even made Sunstreaker come talk to me – because its so much better when someone forces someone else to talk to you... – and I still couldn't let it go. He told me that we would 'talk about it later', that I should 'just cool down and trust him'...I should trust him. I really should, I mean, he's never done me harm before; and he's not really prone to lying or anything._

_Still, I couldn't drop the fact that he was hiding something._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*5*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The night was as dark as nights could be on Diego Garcia. The moon was new and thick heavy clouds drooped around the horizon promising a sizable storm in the near future. As was normal on the base when there was nothing happening, most of the lights were off, or in certain areas, turned low to not disturb those that were attempting to sleep. There were areas that remained as bright as daylight, but for the most part, the base was dark.

The state of the night was most likely what allowed the small blue-green form to scamper across the base unnoticed.

Sunstreaker stood in the room he and this brother once shared looking over his project with some disdain; it just wasn't right. Sure, it was lovely to look at, everything he made was lovely to look at, but it just didn't fit what he was striving for. With a frustrated grunt he started scrubbing away the paint he had just laid down with a heavily stained rag. He was so invested in what he was doing, he didn't notice his door crack open a bare foot and then slide closed again.

He wasn't even aware when a tiny form climbed upon the table he was using and sat silently just beyond where his hands scrubbed.

No, Sunstreaker just kept scrubbing the paint away as his processor turned over everything that had happened, everything that was about to take place and his decision. It had been a difficult one to make, but one he was comfortable with...even if no one else would be. He knew it was the right thing to do; someone had to after all, why not him? Optimus had understood at least. That's all that really mattered at this point. Now it was just a matter of final details and waiting.

His processor ran through his plans and preparations, until finally he had scrubbed all the paint away and turned to find a new color; and that was when he saw the small creature that had been sitting there so patiently.

"Blindside? How in the Pit did you get here?" He reached for the sparkling but paused when he realized that the little mech was trembling. "What's wrong?" Snatching up the blue-green 'bot, he brought him close to his optics so he could see if the sparkling was damaged at all. "Blindside?"

"Don't," the little mech mumbled. "Please?"

Sunstreaker was a little stupefied by the pathetic plea. "Don't what?"

"Please?" Blindside begged again as he latched onto one of Sunstreaker's fingers, like he could stop whatever was about to happen by just holding on. "Please don't."

"Blindside, what are you talking about? I'm not going to do anything to you. How did you even get here? Where are the others?"

Stubbornly silent, Blindside just continued to hold onto Sunstreaker's finger and tremble slightly.

"Come on, lets go see Ratchet."

"No!" His grip grew firmer on Sunstreaker's finger and his gray-blue optics looked up at him pleadingly. "I can't want to."

A smile came to Sunstreaker at the sparkling's declaration. "Can't want to?"

Blindside shook his head back and forth a few times. "No, I can't want to see Ratchet."

"Why?"

"I can't like it."

"I think your caretakers are wearing off on you." Still Sunstreaker hesitated to turn to the medic. He knew Blindside spent a lot of time in the med bay while Ratchet tried to figure out where the small mech's mysterious head pains were coming from – which they still had no answers for – and despite Ratchet's attempts to keep their sessions as painless as possible, he suspected it was no fun for such a young 'bot to be trapped in the med bay for such long periods of time. "All right, fine. What do you want to do?"

"Stay here. You stay here too."

Sunstreaker looked over his project and the mess that the room had become in his efforts to reach perfection in his art. He knew he really shouldn't allow the sparkling to stay here with him, but he also really didn't want to disturb Proxy and Sideswipe when he knew they would be recharging. Especially not after all the stress Proxy had been creating for herself. The femme needed recharge. Besides, how much trouble would one sparkling be?

With a shrug he put the little mech back on the table and went back to retrieving the paints he wanted. "Just stay out of trouble, okay?" As a secondary thought he sent a passive message that would alert the femme upon waking that her sparkling was with him.

"Okay," the small mech agreed with a firm head nod then settled himself comfortably and proceeded to play an imaginary game with his hands just out of Sunstreaker's way.

Time passed in silence as Sunstreaker worked and Blindside sat quietly nearby. Finally, the front-liner looked down at his project and declared himself pleased with it. He could not find any one part that he disliked and the smile that fixed itself to his face affirmed that he was satisfied. It was finally done.

::Sunny?:: The slightly groggy voice alerted Sunstreaker that more than just a few Joors had passed.

His chronometer told him that it was well into the next Earth day and he had gone yet again without recharge while working on his project. 'It was worth it,' he assured himself even as he replied to the femme. ::Yeah?::

::Blindside's with you?::

Looking to where the little mech had fallen into recharge, Sunstreaker nodded. ::Yeah, he's here.::

::How'd he get there?::

::I don't know, just showed up. Said he wanted to stay, figured it wouldn't hurt anything. I'll bring him home.::

::Thanks,:: there was an obvious question to the femme's tone, but she didn't say anything else.

::He wasn't any trouble,:: Sunstreaker promised as he finished cleaning excess paint from his frame and scooped up the still recharging sparkling.

As he walked across the base from the Autobot bunk to the house on the edge of the base, Sunstreaker thought about the sparkling's odd request. _'Please don't.' _Please don't what?

The only thing Sunstreaker could think of was that the sparkling was afraid Sunstreaker would be mad with him for sneaking into his quarters when he should have been home recharging, but he just couldn't seem to believe that was the answer. It was like the little mech knew something he couldn't know...

He looked down at Blindside still recharging in his hand. For a blind mech he was sure observant, that much Sunstreaker couldn't deny; and he was clever too. How had the little mech made it all the way across the base into Sunstreaker's quarters all by himself? There hadn't been a time that he'd known the mech to be on his own. Someone always went with him, usually his intuitive sister Cascade, but it appeared that this time the mech had truly done something beyond amazing.

Proxy was already outside waiting for them when Sunstreaker reached the house. She looked trapped somewhere between comforted to see Sunstreaker really did have her missing sparkling, and completely distraught.

"Is everyone else here?" Sunstreaker asked immediately, suddenly thinking that maybe Blindside hadn't traversed the base all on his own after all.

"Yeah, everyone's here. Cascade is rather upset that her brother was missing when she came online. Any idea how he got there?"

"No. Any idea how he got out?"

"None..." the femme vented and took her sparkling. "What were you thinking, Blindside?" She asked softly as she hugged him close to her. "Thank you for watching over him."

"Don't worry about it." Sunstreaker watched the femme with her sparkling for a moment before turning away.

"Sunny, wait..."

"Now's not really the time, Proxy. I haven't recharged...I'll get a hold of you later, okay?"

"Stay here. You're room's still there, it'll always be yours...no matter what."

Sunstreaker waved the femme off. "Don't do that to yourself. I'll see you later." He went on, though he could feel Proxy staring at him as he walked away.

Proxy watched Sunstreaker go until she couldn't see him anymore, and even then she still watched after him until there was a soft patting on her leg. Cascade stood looking up at her arms where she could just see her brother still recharging.

"He's just recharging, sweetie," Proxy promised as she turned to go inside, only sparing one more look toward where she imagined Sunstreaker had gone. "Lets go put him to his berth."

The femme ushered her sparklings inside and set herself to her daily routine, hoping that Sunstreaker would keep to his word and she would get some answers soon.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

Sideswipe entered the house with a rather broad grin plastered to his face. "Hey, Proxy!"

"What has you so happy?" The femme asked, having sensed his overjoyed feelings for several breems.

"Come with me, we're going to meet up with Sunny."

"Uh-huh," she glanced around, "and who's watching the sparklings?"

"Chromia."

"Oh...uh..." Proxy shifted from one foot to the other quickly with some discomfort. "Do...do you think that's a good idea?"

"Don't let my cannon toting mate give you the wrong impression of me," Chromia chimed from the entryway. "I am rather fond of sparklings."

"Oh! I didn't mean any offense at all, it's just that...um...I mean..." Proxy sputtered for several kliks trying to find the best way to put her concerns to voice. "Are you sure? I don't want to cause any problems for you is all."

Chromia looked at the femme suspiciously. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Blindside came into the room, whimpering slightly, and Proxy didn't hesitate for a klik to swoop the little mech up. "What's wrong sweetheart?"

"It's not fair!" The small sparkling proclaimed in a loud whine. "It's not fair!"

"What, honey? Did someone do something to you?"

He shook his head vigorously then pointed to Chromia. "It's not fair!"

Chromia looked rather astounded at the interaction. "Have I done something to offend him?" She looked over herself as though she might have left one of her weapons exposed.

"No, no...I don't think so," Proxy looked between the blue femme and her sparkling still whimpering in her arms. "Blindside," she whispered softly to the sparkling. "Please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

The sparkling touched Proxy's chest plates over her spark chamber, then chirped like a newspark before digging his little claws into her armor with a cry of pain.

Proxy cringed at the sound and at the slight sting against her chest, but worse than that was the thoughts coming to her processor; pushing forward without her consent to remind her of what she knew. "Oh, Primus!" She cried out in her own discomfort at the forceful rearrangement of her own memories until finally something was clearly playing in her minds eye and suddenly it all made sense. "Sunshadow..." the femme muttered before she could stop herself.

She snapped to attention the second she realized what she had said and almost immediately turned to leave before anything worse happened; the memory of how Ironhide had reacted when Aurian had spoken the same name dancing in the front of her processor.

"Proxy!" Sideswipe called one hand glancing over his mate's arm as she fled.

"I'm sorry!" She cried as she continued her retreat.

With a huff of irritation, Sideswipe turned to apologize to Chromia, but found his annoyance had evaporated instantly upon seeing the mix of emotions on the weapons specialist mate's face. She looked somewhere between ready to commit homicide and wanting to completely break down. "Chromia?"

"What's wrong with that sparkling?" She demanded harshly.

"Blindside?" Sideswipe looked after where Proxy had run off to, where through his bond with the femme he could feel her trying to soothe the still distraught sparkling. "He's...blind," he offered helplessly. "I don't know what all that was about. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she growled, then took a deep intake and let it out slowly. When she finished she looked like her calm, cool self once more. "I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. I'm fine."

"I..." he let his words go with a slight venting. "I don't get what just happened."

"I don't know that I do either, but I'm beginning to believe that perhaps your mate does. I'll wait in the receiving room; go speak with her."

"Right. Thanks, Chromia. I'm pretty sure I owe you double now."

"Keep count. I am."

With a little half amused laugh, Sideswipe ventured to find his sparkmate, and the sparkling that had set off this whole minor explosion.

He found her hiding out in the sparkling's shared room, trying to sooth Blindside with his doting sister Cascade close at her side and Ferropax flanked by his sister fliers standing not far off watching over their caretaker and youngest sibling with an unusual air of gloom.

"Hey," he offered as he entered the room. "What just happened?"

"Oh...um...I..." the femme vented gratingly as she shook her head. "Um, I think I know what's going on with Blindside now." She looked up at Sideswipe and the mech's intakes hitched for a moment. One optic was bright white while the other remained dark; though somehow still held light. "He's telepathic."

"Tel...uh...oh..." the mech found himself hard pressed to look away from how bright and dark her optics had become, like they were pulling him in.

"He's upset for Chromia...for what they lost. He didn't mean to hurt her, neither did I. I'm sure she's probably very upset."

"Oh, she looked pretty miffed, yeah...but – setting aside the impossibility of Blindside being telepathic – what is it they lost that makes her so mad?"

"Sunshadow...I really shouldn't talk about him, it's their story and they don't want it shared." She shrugged.

Sideswipe didn't really understand what Proxy was saying, but he understood that she was unhappy and that was something he didn't much care for. "Well, what can we do about it?" He asked as he came to sit beside her, looking over the youngest mech still in her arms. Blindside looked honestly miserable.

"Nothing. Nothing we can do will fix what happened. Only they can heal the pain they've been through."

"Well, if there's nothing we can do about it, then how is running off and hiding going to help?"

Proxy laughed a little, though it was a sad sound. "I don't know. Keeps Chromia from blowing a hole out of my armor?"

"Nah, she'd never hurt you. Well, unless you deserved it. Then she'd probably hurt you, but you didn't do anything." He hugged her gently. "Come on, she's still waiting. You know, she was the one who volunteered to look after the little ones. She wanted to see them all, and be all...femme-type with them and everything." He shivered slightly. "Sorry, somehow Chromia being all caretaker-like is just...weird."

"Not so weird," Proxy promised.

The family sat as they were, the other sparklings coming to sit with the rest as they waited to see what would happen next. It was Blindside who finally broke the seeming still life that had befallen them by struggling from his caretaker's grasp to drop to the floor beside her. He tipped his head up to her with confidence, then turned toward the door and marched out, followed in suit by Cascade, and most of the other sparklings. The only ones that remained behind were Ferropax and his sisters.

"What are they up to?"

"Blindside wants to apologize, and the others went to go meet their new sitter." She smiled at the last three, her optics resuming the slow shifting of color that they had known all their lives. "We should probably all go, huh?"'

"You'll be okay, right?" Stardust asked of her caretaker quite loudly.

"Yes, Stardust, my sweet. I'm just fine." She stood up, pulling Sideswipe by the hand. "Come on, we've got to make up for our bad impression. Let's go."

"Our bad impression?" The mech asked as he followed behind his mate and the three cheering sparklings leading the way. "How did I get involved?"

"Oh, you should be used to it by now. Guilty by association. Or, maybe Sunny was the one that got used to that. Huh?"

"Glad you're in a better mood!" The mech joked as they approached the receiving room to find Chromia completely covered in over-eager sparklings. "Uh, what was it you said about good impressions?"

"Little ones!" Proxy laughed and shouted at the same time.

"Oh, they're fine," Chromia promised, even as she scraped one of the more rambunctious sparklings off of her arm. She spared Proxy a half smile. "You two should get going. Sunstreaker's waiting for you."

"Yes, right. Let's go, Proxy." Sideswipe tried to sweep his mate out the door, but Proxy would not so easily be lead away.

"Chromia," she started, a sliver of grief in her voice as she started, intending to apologize.

Chromia held up her hand to stop the other femme. "No, don't. It's fine, really. Besides, Blindside here already said he was sorry, I don't need anything else."

"Okay...if...for any reason, if you need to get a hold of me..."

"I'll contact Prowl. You have plans. Now get out of here before I teach your little one's about forceful motivation."

Proxy looked as though an over-protective femme caretaker speech was about to take place, but Sideswipe was quick to stop it in it's early stages. "Yep, Sunny doesn't like to be kept waiting." He all but picked up the femme and dashed for the door. "Thanks again, Chromia! I owe you!"

"That's three," the femme counted out as she waved to the departing pair.

"Okay, okay," Proxy finally shoved off Sideswipe's pushing hands. "What is the rush? What's Sunstreaker up to? This isn't another prank you two have cooked up, is it?"

"No. We couldn't cook up a prank this good."

"That's not very comforting," the femme stated as they continued across the base towards the med bay. "You know that, right?"

"Don't worry, this is a good thing, I promise. Sunstreaker's pretty excited about this."

"What _is_ this," she questioned, her steps growing slower the closer they got to the medical wing. "Did something happen?"

"No. Sunstreaker just wants to show off his newest piece of artistic perfection. He said it was his finest creation ever."

Proxy all out stopped, her doubts growing a little too strong for her to follow blindly any further. "Huh...how good is it that we're going to the med bay to see it?"

Sideswipe turned back to her, a pleading look on his face. "Trust me?"

Whatever resistance the femme had melted instantly. "Of course I trust you."

"Then come on, I promise you won't regret it."

Proxy followed willingly, though with some reservation. Her unease only grew when they entered the med bay to find not only Sunstreaker waiting, but Jolt, First Aid, Perceptor, Wheeljack, and Ratchet.

"What is this?" The femme asked nervously, looking ready to bolt before anyone could grab hold of her.

Sideswipe came to stand behind her, both to encourage her, and to prevent her from running before they had a chance go explain. The action did little to comfort the femme.

"You didn't tell her," Ratchet stated rather than asked, a look of pure annoyance yet completely lacking in surprise overcame him. The medic waved for the other non family unit members to follow him out of the immediate vicinity to allow the three at least some semblance of privacy to talk.

A soft familiar trill instantly diverted Proxy's attention from her rising panic to a small cat'bot tapping across the floor to her. "Ruby!"

Ruby's stride was long, her frame somewhat larger, but still thin and limber. Her color was a fresh red, maybe a few shades darker than before but it was a deep color instead of the laptop mimic color she had held before.

Proxy knelt for the smaller femme that all too happily leaped into her hands to be properly crushed in the larger femme's arms. "I've missed you so much!"

"I take it you like it?" Sunstreaker asked somewhat smugly.

"This is what you were bringing me here for?" She asked of both of the twins. "Why didn't you just tell me? I would have more than happily come to see Ruby back on her feet again!" Proxy took a moment to study the new design of the femme's frame and noted all the fine detail that had been paid to her. "You did this, Sunny?"

"Yeah," he stated as though it should have been very obvious.

"I see why you were so proud..."

Ruby pushed her head against Proxy's with an amused trill.

"Yeah, I'm proud of that, but she's only part of the perfection I've created..." he let the words linger, waiting for Proxy's inevitable curiosity to make the next move.

"Part?"

"What? You didn't think I could let my sister run around in a shabby old frame like that, did you?" As he spoke he stood from the table he had been leaning against, grabbing the cover laying innocently over it as he did so.

Proxy looked over the inert frame laid out on the medical berth before her with absolute astonishment.

The frame Sunstreaker had designed before had been pretty, it had been nice to look at and comfortable to move in, but this new design put that one to shame. It was still white, but it was such a shade as to never fully be 'white' but some other color lingering behind the illusion of being white. The same red that had been the highlights of Ruby's frame was used to highlight parts of this frame as well; the delicate tips of the hands and feet, the gentle curves where one plate tucked into another, and outlining eye catching features.

The whole of the frame was beautiful to Proxy. All of the carefully laid details spoke of joors of thought and the touch of an expert hand to place just right, but one feature grabbed her attention and would not let it go: a lovely, unobtrusive spiral of color that ranged from pink to purple, including all thirteen colors of her sparklings. It traveled like a ribbon of the Arctic lights along the divide in the chest piece for access to the spark chamber that lay tucked safely away under what Proxy was quickly coming to realize was a rather high quality armor.

"Sunny..." she was near speechless.

"Do you like it?" There was a tone of almost need for approval in Sunstreaker's voice as he watched the femme look over the frame, her fingers lightly tracing over the spiral of color.

"I...don't even know what to say. It's beautiful."

Sunstreaker shrugged, though the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth belied his indifference. "I thought it was only right. The frame had to match the spark."

"You did a great job," Sideswipe assured his brother as he looked over the frame for the first time. He could feel the waves of love and astonishment rolling through Proxy, she truly was lost for words to convey how much she appreciated the gift.

"I used some of the metals from the shipper and reinforced it with some Earth metals. Wheeljack helped me with manufacturing the structure. Turns out that even though Earth metals are pretty subpar overall, they make perfect additives. It's the best you'll find anywhere, I promise."

"You didn't have to," the femme whispered. "Others..."

"Others have battle armor," Sunstreaker stated. "They're suited for their duties. You deserve the same." He turned to look at the frame himself and couldn't feel anything but pride and comfort knowing that Proxy would be better protected. "Will you take it?"

If Proxy could have cried, she would have. "Of course I will," she said in a happy, but stressed voice. "I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for this, Sunny!" Before anyone knew what was happening, Proxy had dropped Ruby on the table beside the frame that was soon to be hers, and latched her arms around Sunstreaker's neck. "Thank you so much."

"Hey, don't thank me yet. You've still got to go through the transfer and all..." there was a lingering _and_ to the end of his statement, but he didn't elaborate, instead indicating that the other mechs could join them again.

"Are you ready?" Ratchet asked.

"I guess Chromia was planning on staying for longer than just a few breems, wasn't she?"

Sideswipe shrugged. "Prowl was planning on going by later to help her out."

"Okay," Proxy vented, not looking forward to the process of changing frames yet again, but knowing it had to be accomplished before she could resume her duties. Part of her wanted to delay, but the part of her committed to doing her job demanded she submitted to the transfer immediately. "I guess the longer I wait, the more time I have to get nervous about it.

"Then if you will come with me, we'll get you prepped." Ratchet held his arm out in the direction he wanted the femme to go.

Proxy stiffened for a moment, but Sideswipe's encouragement over their bond, and the silent but firm confidence from Sunstreaker helped her move forward on her own.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; transfers_

_I will never. Never. NEVER, get used to them. Lets hope this is the last I'll ever have to suffer through._

_Every time I had been a little disoriented, but this time it was almost on the brink of insanity! Ratchet even said he minimized the number of systems that were operating when I came online just to keep the shock as easy as was possible to handle._

_Maybe Sunstreaker went a little overboard..._

_~Proxy_

* * *

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


	146. Journal Entry 146 The Final Entry

_**This is it my friends. Really and truly it. 3 years ago, on this day, I published the first chapter of Science and Fiction; and today, today I finish it.**  
_

_**It must be some kind of illogical, unreal fate that today is also the day my Grandfather passed away.**  
_

_**I love you Grandpa, may you rest in peace.  
**_

_Credits: Lady Tecuma for the term 'Sparkshock', _

_Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator, and _

___Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! The background story for  
why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire." Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that  
fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire."_

* * *

_Journal entry; grand reveal_

_Guess I wasn't the only one who had been a little 'overly curious' about what Sunstreaker had been up to._

_After several joors – and joors – and joors – of calibrating and training and such from Ratchet and Wheeljack, I was finally released from the med bay with orders to report to several more training sessions to learn how to use the new functions of this frame that none of my other frames had been equipped with; like (most terrifyingly) weapons._

_I tried pointing out that I was just a liaison and didn't need to have weapons, but it seemed no one was willing to back me up on the argument. Not even my co-liaison Sam! What was the world coming to?_

_At any rate, when I left the med bay there was a rather sizable gathering of humans waiting to see this masterpiece of Sunstreaker's for themselves._

_If I judged by the sounds of their reactions to their first look at me alone; I'd say that everyone was in agreement that this was indeed Sunstreaker's finest work. I was seriously humbled._

_~Proxy_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*1*4*6*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Proxy stood stunned by the out turn, unable to move forward or retreat. She was completely trapped by the calls and applause from the vast ocean – as far as she was concerned – of people and 'bots that had shown up to see her take her first 'real steps' in her new frame.

The twins stood flanking her a few steps behind; silver and gold framing the pearl that had become so much to them.

Sunstreaker was there to show support for the femme and to see how his masterpiece would be received. A small part of him still wanted to see that others appreciated his talents beyond the battlefield. It was almost as though they could see him to be more than just the war machine he had allowed himself to become. More than that though, was to see that so many cared to see Proxy whole and beautiful; and also to see that all was as it should be just once more.

Sideswipe simply didn't register those that had come to see his femme. She was always beautiful to him, her spark was the most magnificent thing to have ever existed, but to see her like this...knowing that his brother had taken so much time, had put his all into this design and execution...it was surreal. He had known Sunstreaker had been planning something like this, but not...not _like this_. His spark ached with love for both his sparkmate, and for his brother. He really had everything any mech could ever want, and he considered himself entirely unworthy but completely willing to accept the gifts given to him. Still, there was something lingering somewhere on the fringe of all of this that gave him a sense of impending. What, exactly, he didn't know, but it was there.

Across the way, past the humans and between groupings of collected 'bots, stood Prowl and Jazz with all thirteen of the sparklings. Behind them stood Ironhide and Chromia, close together with an aura of mixed feelings clinging about them, but something resembling hope seeming to win over all the darkness.

Hope.

Proxy looked over all that had gathered, the entire base it seemed, and she realized that this wasn't about her at all. This was about hope. The humans were seeing that from the ashes of a life nearly torn from them came something greater; stronger and willing to continue to take on the world that kept turning on them. Something that was there to remind them that as long as they kept trying, they would eventually succeed.

What the 'bots saw...well, it was more than hope. She could almost feel the breath of relief taking over those around them. As Ratchet had so clearly pointed out to her; whether she had wanted to or not, she had become the embodiment of what they all wanted, what they all hoped for, and here she was showing them that it wasn't just possible, but it was _happening_.

As she looked over them all, she realized all of the things she had been told, all of the things that she had seen, everything that she had been through had been leading up to something. They weren't quite there yet, but they were on their way and she could see it now. Inside she felt something warm, and strong sink in. Like she had been holding her breath and had just finally let it go.

"You look great, sweetie," the first voice to break from the loud cheering and applaud that was still thundering across the base was Sylvia as she came closer to the femme. "This look fits you so well."

"Oh!" The femme quickly knelt to speak with the woman, a sense of humility rushing through her. "Sunstreaker is the one to compliment..."

"No way!" Sam declared as he came to stand beside the older woman. "He designed the frame, but you make it beautiful."

Sunstreaker's shadow loomed over the smaller humans, his optics a bright mark high above their heads.

"No offense..." Sam all but stammered to clear himself of any ill feelings the mech might have for his comment.

"None taken. You're right. No matter what I did, even with Ratchet and Wheeljack helping me...I could have never made this frame so...complete without you giving it life, Proxy."

Proxy looked up at her brother and it seemed that along with all of her new understanding, she understood him. She smiled and tugged at that so quiet part of her spark where Sunstreaker's bond lay, wanting him to feel how happy she was, how thankful she was, that she loved him, and something more.

'Don't say anything,' the mech pleaded with her.

'Sunstreaker...I won't. I just...need to let you know that I will never, ever, for one second regret you having been in my life.'

'I know. I feel the same way about you.'

Her smile faded as a wave of deep grief washed through her, but she quickly pushed it away to indulge in the much more pleasant feelings of understanding and hope.

Sideswipe was at her side in a pulse of her spark, wrapping her in a partial hug and equally offering her a little bit of support in the moment.

They both knew what was about to happen. They also knew that there was nothing they could do to stop it, no matter how badly they wished to.

Will was the next to approach, Rob at his side and Jack following shortly behind. Then more came, everyone wanting to look and to talk to the now reinstated Cybertronian half of their Cybertronian-Human relations team. They offered praise for the new frame, for her return to duty, for her ability to have pulled through and push on, for everything that they could think of to offer praise for. They congratulated her, and Sunstreaker for such a fine piece of work – like a metal that had been bestowed upon a well deserving soldier, and for the hand that had crafted it – until there were no more words to be said.

The Cybertronians all complimented Sunstreaker for his finest work, and many added to the compliment that he could not have made it for a more perfect femme; to which the front-liner openly agreed.

Celebrations were had, and many celebrated a little too liberally, but no one could blame anyone for it. It had been far too long since they'd had a real reason to celebrate.

Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, and Proxy were inseparable throughout the celebrations, a duel sense about their act of completely ignoring what all of it meant and just letting go to have fun. Much trouble was had, some scoldings were given, but no punishments ever made any appearance as the party roared on.

The day passed into night, then into early morning once more, and finally most of the humans either returned to their duties or settled in to recover from the long celebration and liberal indulgences.

As the humans settled, their alien comrades gathered for one more thing before all was considered done.

"Is everyone here?" Ironhide asked as he looked over the sizable gathering of Cybertronians. They had all been called to a meeting of utmost importance and no one was spared attendance. Not even the sparklings that were doing their best to stay mostly quiet in the back corner as they played with items that had been given to them by many other 'bots for their specific entertainment.

"Looks tha' way," Jazz noted as he scanned the crowd. Their numbers were far from substantial – but this was still more 'bots than most of them had seen in one place at one time that wasn't a battle field in many vorns.

"Then lets call this meeting to order!" Ironhide's voice was loud enough to be heard over the low rumble of voices, but not so loud as to be oppressive.

The room instantly grew silent and the weapons specialist nodded his approval before taking his seat alongside the other officers.

Optimus was the first to step forward to address the crowd. "I am pleased to look out and see how many have come to my call, that have come to protect Earth and to help make a new home for our kind.

"As you have all been made aware; what we have accomplished has not come easily, nor at a low cost to our allies and ourselves. We still have a long way to go; however we have made large strides in the appropriate direction. There is light within the darkness.

"We have gathered to cover many, many important things today. First and foremost to recognize those that have given their lives for what we currently have; to those that have fallen in our war – comrades, friends, family. Their designations are too great to call them all, but for a moment, we can all process them, and remember that they gave their all for what they believed in, and thank them for that.

"There are so many," the Autobot leader repeated firmly, sorrowfully, "yet one that I will call out in this meeting is Aurian Fae Towns.

"It is because of her great sacrifice that so many of you have come to be here. Though it cannot be explained, let it be known that Aurian shared some part of the Allspark within her and through its guidance – unclear though it may have been at times – we have been given more hope than we have had in vorns."

Voices called out their support of this claim, not a 'bot that had met the human woman keeping silent.

"She is greatly missed," Optimus stated, his optics locking onto Proxy as he spoke, "but her presence lives on." He paused, waiting to see if Proxy would object, but the femme simply tipped her head in acknowledgment. "The sparklings that we have been gifted with are her progeny." There were a few intakes of surprise, and a voice or two that denied the claim. "We will not dwell on the how, for now, but I want to make it clear that these sparklings are our hope. They were created to survive our war, to carry our race beyond our own short comings. They are our greatest treasure," there were no lack of resounding calls of accord to this proclamation, "and so is their caretaker, Proxy." He motioned for the femme to come join him in front of the gathering.

Proxy vented. Only joors before, she would have denied such a call to stand before these 'bots and accept the truth as it was about to be laid out before them, but that opening of her processor – that moment of knowing – had given her some semblance of insight and understanding. This was something that had to pass, as were so many other things that would take place this day.

"Proxy is Aurian's legacy," Optimus stated with no small amount of awe in his own voice. It was something to be proud of, and to stand in wonder of.

There was a moment of tension within the gathering as those that knew Proxy's story, and those that did not, reached the same level of realization, and then there was a sudden outbreak of questions and demands.

"Please," Optimus demanded, "there are many questions to be answered if you will simply wait. Any further questions can be addressed at a later date." He waited for the crowd to quiet before continuing. "Today, we recognize yet another gift our race has been given.

"Aurian was given new life upon her deactivation at Megatron's hand, and that life is the 'bot we have all come to know as Proxy."

Proxy looked over the crowd, searching for disapproval, denial, anything that she feared might indicate that she would become an outcast because of this secret she had held so close for so long, but all she saw was different levels of confusion and acceptance. She even saw a dawning upon several faces as they finally made connections.

With another deep intake, she stepped forward as Optimus stepped aside for her to address the crowd. "I am more than honored to be here. After so much that has happened, that could have happened, and even what may yet happen...I have never felt more at home than I have in my time spent with the N.E.S.T. teams.

"I have been, always, listed as a Neutral. Aurian was also listed as a Neutral, even in her service as a human-Cybertronian liaison. However, today I wish to change that. In the deepest parts of my being, the parts that have survived through everything and carried on, I have always been an Autobot. I am announcing my official alliance from this day forward to be Autobot."

There was cheering, and clapping in acceptance of her announcement; even a few calls of 'it's about time!' were shouted. Proxy felt her smile, more true than any she thought she would have felt at this moment, spread across her face until she could hardly contain herself.

In a short, very to the point ceremony the femme was marked with the Autobot symbol – in the same place she had carried it as Aurian, and the same place she had carved it into her metal skin in her previous frame. The symbol was dark, painted to match the red highlights of her frame, and as the femme inspected the new marking she realized, precisely where Sunstreaker had designed for it to go.

She looked to her brother and saw pride. He was proud of her and her decision. She already knew Sideswipe was beside himself with joy and a touch of apprehension about it, but he supported her decision without question.

Once the femme stepped back, she turned to move back to her seat, only to be surprised as someone blocked her path.

The black and white mech before her stood firm, not allowing her to go past until he had said what he intended to say. "If I may?" He asked of the Autobot leader who still stood aside.

"Of course, Prowl." Optimus had expected as much might happen, so had intentionally waited as the only other Neutral 'bot that worked with N.E.S.T. came to the front.

Prowl gave the femme a single look, but one that clearly stated what he asked of her; simply to wait until he had spoken his peace before returning to the crowd.

With a nod, Proxy allowed Prowl past her and stood to watch as her friend spoke.

"My designation is Prowl," he stated clearly, not that any within the room didn't know who he was, though some did not know who he had been. "I am a reformatted mech, my previous designation was Barricade." At this there was some stir, but between Proxy, Optimus, and the other officers, the gathering was quickly subdued. "I do not recall much of my function before my reformat due to severe damage upon myself; however I do recall one being that had been beside me, who believed in me and trusted in me and it is to her that my loyalties lay.

"Since Proxy has chosen to align herself with the Autobots, I as well officially declare my own alliance to be with the Autobots."

More cheering went up for the announcement, and a similar short ceremony was held for the black and white mech.

"We are lucky to have both of you," Optimus announced as he resumed his place at the front.

Proxy offered Prowl a brief hug wanting to convey some of her adoration that the mech was so willing to follow her. Then they both returned to their respective seats to hear the rest of what was to be said.

Once everything had settled, Optimus continued. "We are very lucky to have so many among us today. Some of you have come great distances seeking a message sent out blindly into the darkness; even more are still on their way. This is a good time for all, though the dangers, and the war, have not yet passed.

"Megatron is still out there, somewhere, and it is unlikely that he will remain silent for long. It is time we stopped chasing after him, attempting to salvage what he has wrecked and fighting only when we have caught up to him weary and depleted. We have gained a great advantage here on Earth, both in our counts of victories and in our allies. While it is true that all relations here may not be the most hospitable, this planet has sparked something we had begun to forget – hope.

"It is time we take advantage of our good fortune and cut Megatron off before he has a chance to recoup; however, this endeavor will take more than what we have here.

"I have decided to send out a team to the old colonies, and to Cybertron itself, to spread word amongst those still clinging to what we once had. I will only ask for volunteers to go on this mission. It will not be easy, but it is necessary. Just as we sought after the Allspark before, we must now seek our comrades so that we may rise together and finally bring an end to this war."

There was a roar so loud, the ground shook as the gathered 'bots gave up their voice of approval for their leader's plan of action. There were no lack of 'bots wishing to take a position on the team, though it was quickly apparent who would, and who would not be going.

The team was kept small, the only available vessel to carry anyone was the science ship – repaired and ready for flight – and was set to carry eight.

Mirage had stood, quickly accepting a place on the team, followed in short by Grapple – who claimed that he might as well go see what the damage was – and Trailbreaker. Jolt more than happily took the position as the team's medic, and Bluestreak as security. Perceptor went to fill the need for energon substitution and conversion, and Blur stated that they would need somebody quick enough to get into the colonies before someone shot them down; and he was handy with communications besides that.

The last position was filled by someone few had expected to ever willingly accept such a mission.

Proxy tried not to let the torment she was feeling show as Sunstreaker stood with the team. She had known Sunstreaker was planning on going away, but she hadn't realized he planned to leave the planet all together. Not only that, but he planned on going so very far away.

Sideswipe was in little better of a position as he tried to support his twin's decision while inside he was screaming for the mech to change his mind.

The noise in the room drowned out the sound of Blindside crying out, but his siblings were quick to try and soothe him. Splitbeat quickly sought her caretaker, the small femme finding her way through the crowd easily enough until she was climbing Proxy's leg, chirping with her distress.

Proxy didn't need to hear what was causing the problem before she was making her way back through the crowd to be with her sparklings. They were all upset, not fully understanding what was going on, but knowing that Sunstreaker was going away and that none of them liked it. Blindside's recently discovered skill likely fueling the fire of his siblings' distress.

The femme sat amongst her sparklings, allowing them all to climb on her but quickly scooped Blindside into her arms and tried to reassure the young mech, promising that it wasn't forever, that Sunstreaker would come back and they had nothing to worry about.

Sideswipe followed his mate, but his optics kept turning to where his twin stood waiting for some semblance of control to settle back over the gathering. Sunstreaker seemed to be avoiding looking at his brother and sister, instead focusing his optics somewhere up and over everyone and Sideswipe knew that in that moment, Sunstreaker had already left. His processor was fixed on this decision and nothing he said or did, no matter how much he might bed or plead, his twin was willingly taking a mission that would separate them by galaxies, or more. 'Why?' He asked over and over again, but their altered bond didn't allow the question to carry through.

Eventually the meeting carried on; several other things came to be addressed such as more 'homes' being constructed on the outskirts of the base for Cybertronians wishing to have something more than the quarters that most of them had grown accustomed to. It was deemed that several more buildings would be built to accommodate the 'bots; some would be private homes, some shared homes, but in the end everything would be a little more comfortable than what any of them had had for as long as they cared to remember.

Other things were decided, such as wider patrols, focused searches for Decepticons – no one wanted to allow the other faction to set up again like they had before – and planned 'meet and greets' between Cybertronians and humans.

At some point, key humans were brought into the meeting to add their parts where needed; Sam came when they outlined the plans for the liaison missions, Sylvia for the 'humanitarian' missions, Will, Rob, Jack and all of the other lead humans to discuss militant actions – both in damage reconstruction and in the search for Decepticon activity; and eventually all came to discuss what would have to happen to make everything more favorable for other arriving Autobots.

By the time the meeting was called to an end, everyone was about as worn out as possible. Emotionally as well as physically.

Proxy had excused herself shortly after the liaison portion of the meeting to take the sparklings home, but she continued to 'listen in' as it were, through Sideswipe who remained throughout. However, when everything was over and Sideswipe went to find his brother, Proxy closed herself off. She didn't want to eavesdrop on their conversation; not at a time like this. They needed to talk...to say goodbye.

She busied herself with the sparklings, keeping Blindside close to her since he seemed more upset by the events taking place than any of the others; or maybe it was her way of distracting herself. Either way, the little mech more than happily stayed attached to his creator while she dealt with everyone else until they were all fast in recharge.

Still, the femme kept the youngest mech cradled in her arms while she sat waiting for Sideswipe to come home, keeping his presence as a focus for her processor so she didn't simply break down with grief.

When Sideswipe finally did return home, he came to the room Proxy was sitting in, but he didn't look at her.

They stayed silent for a while, Proxy finally allowing her end of their bond to open to let her mate share what he felt. Instead of overwhelming grief and sorrow, she found almost absence of anything at all. He was numb, stunned, in complete shock.

"Sideswipe?" She dared to ask aloud, hoping to get some response from her sparkmate.

Sideswipe stiffened slightly, then slumped. "He's gone," he said with disbelief. "He...he's really gone."

"Sideswipe," the femme called softly, tugging at him through their bond, wanting him close to her.

The mech responded easily enough; in truth he felt lost and unsure of what he should do, or what he should feel.

"He'll come back," she assured him.

"Yeah," Sideswipe agreed, "that's what he said. 'It's not forever, I'll be back.'" The mech vented, confusion filling his end of their bond. "But I don't get why he left! Why can't he find himself here?! Where we can get to him if he needs help? Why'd he have to go out there alone?"

"He's not alone, Sides. He's with a whole team of Autobots." She did her best to encourage her mate, but her own spark was hardly in it. Sunstreaker had left them, and he hadn't even said goodbye. Her intake hitched a little as she rubbed her hand across Sideswipe's plating in a soothing manner. "He'll be fine."

"Yeah...it's Sunny after all, right? Nothing can get to him..." Sideswipe just couldn't believe in his own words.

"You look exhausted. Why don't you head to the berth. I'll go put Blindside to his and join you shortly. Okay?"

With a hardly perceptible nod, Sideswipe shoved himself off the couch and headed for their shared room.

Proxy watched him go, an ache growing in her spark. She hated to see him so lost. 'Why did you do this, Sunstreaker?' She barked angrily in her mind, already knowing the answer but could not stop herself from wanting to lay blame.

'Proxy,' the mech answered, and for a moment Proxy was afraid she had contacted him with her angered question. 'I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't want you do dwell on it.'

'You should have warned us, Sunstreaker.' There was a snap to her tone, but the emotions attached were so full of sorrow, Sunstreaker didn't for a second mistake it of anger.

'You're right, but that's just not me. Listen, I don't know how long I'll be able to reach you like this, but I didn't want to leave the system without telling you goodbye.'

'You'd better come back in one piece or I'm going to offline you myself,' she growled in place of returning a 'goodbye'.

'I will. You keep him in one piece too, okay?'

'Sunstreaker...'

'Because I want to find out who I really am without my brother, that's why,' he answered her question before she could find words to ask it. 'I don't want to be away from him, or you, but I want to see who I am; what I really want. I'll come back when I know.'

'Sunny, you're our brother. No matter who you are.'

'Thanks, Proxy.'

'We'll be here, waiting for you.' Proxy could feel him growing further and further away. He was going so fast, she could almost feel his bond pulling thin from her, like a cord unraveling only to hold by the barest of fibers. 'No matter what!' She demanded again, and though she felt a response, she could not hear it any longer. Their bond simply wasn't strong enough to span the distance.

In her arms, Blindside cried out in his recharge, not waking but obviously suffering.

"Oh, love...we'll have to find some way to help you control that." She cradled him close, focusing her mind on pleasant things; mostly on the ocean washing up on the island beaches and the soothing sounds it made. Once Blindside was still, and seemed deep in recharge once more, Proxy laid him on his berth beside his sister and retreated to her own room.

She wasn't sure what to expect upon entering, but felt relieved when she saw Sideswipe already in recharge. Sunstreaker would come back. He had to.

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

_Journal entry_ continued_; …_

_It was so hard. The first vorn was the worst. As the humans aged and passed on, Sideswipe seemed to grow more and more distant from everyone. Sure, he was friendly, and he did his duties well, but as each human passed on it seemed he vowed to keep another from getting close. He simply didn't handle loss well at all. I really can't say I was any better. Will...Sarah...Rob...Jack...Sylvia, Primus it never gets easier._

_Sides never pushed me away though. I felt all of his pain, all of his doubts, the hope he held that Sunstreaker would come back soon and everything could be like normal again. But I guess some things just aren't to be._

_The initial team returned, but Sunstreaker wasn't with them. Sideswipe had been devastated. I had been devastated, but the team passed on a message that nothing had happened to him, he had simply chosen to keep on. He had sent his apologies, but said that he hadn't decided who he was yet and just needed more time._

_Sideswipe spent the next vorn waiting while I continued my duties as liaison. Sam...oh, Sam. That man lived a long, long life, but even the power of the Allspark that lived within him and the watchful guidance of the Primes couldn't keep him alive forever. His grandson took his place and was so much like Sam I was more than once caught talking to him like he was the man I had worked with for so long._

_Another vorn passed, and then another. Megatron kept rearing his ugly head, but it seemed that the war was well on its way to ending, it was just a matter of time until the leader of the Decepticons was caught or dispatched. Earth as a whole was accepting of the Cybertronians, even if there were groups that didn't approve of aliens on their planet._

_Plans were made to construct a colony within the solar system, just outside of, but matched to, Earth's orbit. It would be a planet of its own accord, but small in comparison. Of course human governments latched to the idea, already making offers that would allow them rights to the colony. Discussions are ongoing. Still, with as many 'bots that are showing up every few orns, something has to happen. Earth might be able to support many Cybertronians, but at some point we will exceed what the planet can handle._

_Still another vorn passed before any word was heard of Sunstreaker. Some new arrivals said they had been sent this direction by him, but that's all they really had to offer._

_I guess...at least we knew he was still functioning out there. Somewhere. We just wanted him to come home._

_~Proxy_

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

**Epilog**

The impending arrival of a new 'bot always had the Autobots in a uproarious mood, but for some reason, this particular one had Proxy all but dancing on top of the communications tower. Not that they saw it as odd as far as Proxy was concerned, it was just that she was so very obnoxious about it.

When clarification came, and everyone knew that it was Sunstreaker returning from his roaming, Proxy's strange over-the-top enthusiasm made sense. However, many wondered over Sideswipe's less than expected reaction to the news. All of the Cybertronian Development Corps knew about Sunstreaker, and they knew Sideswipe had been waiting for his brother's return for longer than a lot of them had been alive. It just didn't make sense to them that the mellow 'bot didn't show more enthusiasm.

Sunstreaker's planet-fall had gone well, and he was climbing to his feet before the dirt he had disrupted started to settle. However, he was rather surprised to find himself almost thrown back into the crater by a rather small, but brawny force slamming into him.

"If you ever leave again, I swear I will hunt you down and nail you to the walls!" Proxy's voice rumbled joyfully through the dusty cloud, clarifying the presence latched to him.

"I missed you too," Sunstreaker wrapped his arms hesitantly around the femme. This most definitely wasn't the reaction he was expecting. "How's Sides?"

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" The femme was already dragging Sunstreaker in the right direction.

Sunstreaker noted that she had become somewhat stronger in the time he had been gone. Still far from equal to the strength of the other 'bots, but there was something more lithe and dangerous to her now. He decided it would be far better to oblige the femme rather than protest being dragged around like a youngling. He did note, with great approval, that she had kept up on her frame's maintenance without exception. Sure, it showed some wear and tear, but it was so minor that one might not notice it if they didn't know what they were looking for.

He was greeted warmly by everyone – 'bot and human alike – all claiming that his presence had been greatly missed; which he thought odd considering he didn't recognize any of the humans. Still the one 'bot he wanted to see didn't seem to be anywhere.

"Where is he?" Sunstreaker finally asked Proxy as she continued to lead him on.

"With the younglings," she informed him as though it should have been expected. "Their schedule changes for no one, I'm afraid."

They pushed past the base, on to a cluster of buildings Sunstreaker definitely did not recall. They were large and very Cybertronian in construction. If he didn't know better he would think it was; "A city?"

"Yeah, sort of" Proxy shrugged. "Turns out more 'bots wanted a home than didn't. Space is getting tight though. Plans for the colony are in motion, but it will be a while before the first stages of construction can begin."

They approached a building Sunstreaker vaguely recognized as the house Proxy and his brother had lived in. It was different, yet still the same.

Tapping a simple access code into the panel near the door, Proxy lead the way inside and released her grip on Sunstreaker. "This way," she called after giving him a few moments to take in the changes that had been made to this section of their home.

She lead him through the house to a room that was centralized to the building as a whole. "There," she pointed to the open door, but didn't go any further herself.

Looking inside, Sunstreaker finally understood.

Sideswipe lay sprawled on the floor with several younglings laying on him in some way, pinning the larger mech to the floor as they all recharged contentedly.

Sunstreaker could only stare at the scene, a part of him wanting to laugh at the sight, and the other part longing to be a part of it all. He had missed his brother, his sister, and all of the sparklings a lot more than he had even realized.

"He wanted to come greet you himself," Proxy explained from beside the golden twin, "but the younglings wouldn't recharge without him. He's such a softie when it comes to them."

"So they've learned to rule, have they?"

"Oh, you have no idea," the femme laughed. "They'll recharge for some time yet. You look pretty exhausted yourself, why don't you recharge for a bit?"

"Should probably check in," Sunstreaker nodded. "I'll let you know where I'm staying as soon as..."

"Oh, no you don't. You're room's still right were you left it and I expect you to use it. Optimus already knows where you will be and I told him he can wait to meet with you until after you've been properly reintegrated with your family and not a moment before."

"You did, huh?"

The femme fixed him with a glare that clearly stated she had, and would not hesitate to institute some form of authority over hi too, if it became necessary.

"I see you've worked that stubbornness right up into a full superiority complex."

"Just as much of an aft as ever," she chided with a smile. "Seriously. Recharge. There's a wash rack down the hall, I've even got some extra energon for you. You don't have to go anywhere until you're ready."

Sunstreaker looked to think it over for a few minutes before nodding. "Guess that'll work. If you went to all the trouble of telling off Prime for me, least I can do is take you up on your hospitality."

Proxy laughed, a sense of relief she hadn't felt in a long time washing over her. "Welcome home, Sunny."

"Thanks."

.~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.

"So, you're back." Sideswipe and Sunstreaker sat awkwardly across from each other at a simple table just outside of the house.

"Yeah, figured I should check in." Sunstreaker studied his hands as though he had never noticed them before.

Silence claimed the air for a few breems before Sideswipe vented heavily. "Don't leave again, Sunny. Please?"

"I don't know, Sides. I can't really promise anything..."

"I _need_ you!" Sideswipe blurted desperately. "I can't stand the thought of you leaving again! You're a part of me, and I'm a part of you."

Sunstreaker looked at his twin, really looked at him, for the first time sense he had returned.

Sideswipe looked as he always had; maybe a few more marks on his armor than before, but overall, he seemed unchanged. However, Sunstreaker could feel the change in his spark, even through their altered bond. The mech had a family, and they were a large part of who he was now.

"Sideswipe, we'll always be a part of each other; nothing can change that."

"You don't understand," Sideswipe sounded on the verge of a breakdown. "I love Proxy and the younglings with all of my spark, but I can't live without you here with me."

Sunstreaker huffed and leaned back in his seat, not wanting to see the torment on his brother's face anymore. "You're being dramatic, Sides."

"No, I'm not. Sunny, there's a lot of things we have here now that we thought we'd never have again. It's great, and a lot of 'bots are finally looking like they believe things are actually getting better for us, but the only thing I've been able to think of outside of Proxy and the younglings is you. If you have to go roaming around, that's fine, I understand, but don't go so far away. Come home every few orns. We need you in our lives."

Sunstreaker stayed as he was, looking up at the sky filling with stars as the sun sank beyond the horizon. He really couldn't say that roaming the universe had been fun. Sure, he'd seen a lot of things and he got to experience a lot of things like he'd never felt them before...but had he really enjoyed it?

"Sunny, please..."

"Proxy said something about a colony?"

Hope sparked inside Sideswipe. "Yeah, still working on details before construction can begin...that'll be a while down the road though."

"So, guess I'll have to stay here until then." Sunstreaker shrugged. "I think I've seen enough of the universe to know I like it best when I'm around my family."

Sideswipe all but shouted with victory at his brother's words. "Good," the mech stated firmly, "'cause it's a big one, and we could really use some reinforcements."

* * *

**Oh, my...that was really it. This is the end...I think I might cry.  
**

**Well, there you go my friends, my fans, my readers. 3 years in the making and several false endings later and we have reached the end of Science and Fiction. Could it go on? Absolutely, forever, but this is the end of my plots. Was everything answered, no, I'm sure it wasn't. That's just the way life is; sometimes you don't get all the answers. I hope that I have at least answered a majority of your questions through this fic; and if there is something bugging you that isn't answered, PM me and I'll happily do my best to answer them.  
**

**I do have a few ideas planned for follow ups for this story, but they will have to wait a bit as I am setting off on an endeavor to publish an original work. Wish me luck. I appreciate you all for your reviews and kind words. I'll miss you; but I won't be gone forever. Until then, I hope you find something else to read and enjoy.  
**

**Thank Yous:**

~To authors who have inspired me to write and to those who have allowed me the use of their ideas: _**~DO NOT USE ANOTHER AUTHORS IDEAS AS YOUR OWN. ASK PERMISSION!~**_

Litahatchee: For your fic 'Night Fire' and for the use of the ideas referring to 'Carrying' and 'Carrying Holds' and for the definition of 'Sparkshock' used in this fic. Also I give her partial credit for the creation of 'Insularity'. She helped me develop the idea and I can never thank her enough for her input! As per request of Litahatchee_,_ I would like to clarify: The background story for why both Ironhide and Optimus have a carrying hold came from "Night Fire."  
Ironhide's lost sparkling, Sunshadow, and the story behind that came from that fic as well. All the ideas in "Science and Fiction" that refer to or revolve  
around 'Carrying' and 'Carrying holds' came from "Night Fire." I would also like to add that the surrogacy ideas that appear in both 'Night Fire', and in 'Science and Fiction', are similar, but were developed apart from one another. However, it is due to Letohatchee's Carrying Holds idea that I developed my own thoughts on the surrogacy, so she is partially to credit for it.

Lady Tecuma: Sparks and Plasma; a wonderful fic! And for the term 'Sparkshock'.

Hearts of Eternity: Her WAR ETERNAL series. All are VERY moving and well written. Also she is the one to blame for Jazz's accent. ^_~

Karategal: Her fic Youngling is just everything you could ever want involving baby Bumblebee. Also for her permission to use her take on Optimus being a creator. (If you haven't figured out of who yet, it will come up soon...er or later. ^_~ )

~To my Beta Reader, anasazidarkmoon. Your efforts help make my work so much better. I appreciate your time and effort greatly! A simple 'thank you' really isn't enough but it's all I can do from here! ^_^;

**AND TO ALL OF MY READERS AND REVIEWERS! I would never have come this far if it weren't for you guys. You are very important to me.**


End file.
